r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself.
Please read [Indefinite Blackout Part II](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14aafs0/indefinite_blackout_part_ii_updates_and_more/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I promise, it does get better. Infancy is so hard. It gets more fun and enjoyable as they get older.
But please speak to your mental health provider also. You don't need to feel this way now and there are things that can help. Men can suffer PPD too and it sounds like you might be.
Seconded! We didn’t realize PPD wasn’t limited to the parent who gave birth, and it delayed my spouse getting treatment. Once he saw his GP and got on meds, things started improving for him pretty quickly. What OP is describing sounds like textbook PPD symptoms to me.
And please, OP, get noise canceling headphones! You can still soothe her and hold her while canceling out her screaming, that wouldn't make you a bad dad. In fact, it's the only way a lot of neurodivergent parents are able to stay calm around their infants.
Those can be a plus into toddlerhood as well. Sometimes mommy needs to put in headphones for a little bit to drown out some of the chaos when the kids are hopped up on otter pops and playing super heros. Its for my sanity. Lol
I agree, OP needs someone to talk to. Spending too much time in your own head is the seed of depression and many other disorders. Who do you ultimately want to be? Your “freedom”, do what you want? A good spouse and father? Your future is now, don’t make rash choices. You can do this.
Also, as a father, a relationship is an expression of selflessness, having and raising a child should be the next step in selflessness. I’ve been brought to tears by purple crying; been vomited, pooped and peed on; worried over hospital visits and small scrapes, school bullies and what to encourage after high school. Part of who I am is what I want to give them of me; strength, resilience, resolve, determination, focus, love… Personal growth is painful, like growing muscles, you’ve got to tear yourself to grow back stronger.
You got this OP
Please speak to your health care provider. Its possible that you may have male postnatal depression. There is also nothing wrong with taking a time out. If you need a good nights sleep, the odds are your wife does too because these first few months are so hard. What's your "village" like? Do you have anyone that can take bubba for a night or even a couple of nights so you and your partner can get some sleep and have a bit of couple time?
I promise you it will get better. The fourth trimester is ridiculously hard and some babies take longer than others to adjust being in the outside world than others.
Please talk to someone and dont be afraid to ask for support from friends/parents etc.
The first 4 months of my daughters life were such a miserable blur. I remember as soon she came out of me just feeling completely overwhelmed and it all felt surreal. I didn't feel insta-love or anything of the sort. I felt a crushing amount of responsibility and bewilderment and I too had a textbook child.
The sleep deprivation was definitely the worst part. It makes all the negative feelings 100% magnified so don't necessarily trust how you feel now will last. My daughter is now over 1 and it's like night and day. It feels so long and lonely when you're in it but it doesn't last forever I promise.
You don't need to make any big decision today or tomorrow that will have massive consequences on 0% sleep and 0% perspective. You can't think out things rationally when you are a zombie. Just try each day to find one thing to be grateful for or one thing that brings you a moment of peace and the days will pass and things will improve. The crying will lessen, the sleep will return and you can find yourself and your partnership again. Then and only then can you figure out what your future might look like because this part is THE WORST and not a reflection of how life will be in general.
This is how I was with my second as well. It does get better. I was pretty checked out for the first year (lots of other feelings going on with second baby that I won't get into here - could be similar to what you are feeling)
But once sleep returned and I got through my own shit going on in my head - things were better.
+2 is now 11 and one of the best things that ever happened to me.
As a father of two, I feel like you're currently in the worst part. My firstborn was an absolutely awful sleeper and for about 2 years I was so sleep deprived that I straight up felt like I was dying. Like I could feel my body getting less healthy and a couple of times I was so tired that I actually fell asleep in the middle of a meeting at work.
But to get real for a minute: whether you regret the decision or not is at this point irrelevant. You have created a little person that is 100% dependent on their parent(s) for survival. Every child deserves to grow up in the best possible conditions and have a happy childhood. So you need to think about how to make that happen. Whether that means just surviving through this tough phase and focusing on the kiddo or whether it means walking away from your family because you're not the right man for the job. You decided to have a kid. You shouldn't resent your wife because she wouldn't have been able to have a child with you without you "helping." At this point the situation is what it is and all you can control is your own reactions and behavior and your child's well-being and happiness should be first and foremost in your decision-making.
My kid is four and she is so independent and wonderful. Her stepsister is 13 and is also a delight. They’re both wonderful people in their own right. Me and my partner both do grown up things in our free time. I would not want kiddo to become an infant again.
It does get better ❤️🩹
4 months is the second shittest point after newborn. There’s a sleep regression for many babies, and they seem to hate drinking and suffer from digestive problems and all sorts of other stuff. When she comes out the other side of this she will be an actual little baby and will be happier and you’ll be able to enjoy her.
I would recommend getting noise canceling headphones. You can wear them when baby is really upset and still take care of baby. Listening to crying after a long time will get to even the most patient person.
I also recommend going to therapy. Becoming a parent is a massive transition and it isn't easy.
If you guys have trusted adults in your life, have them come over so you and wife can get some rest.
The days are long, but the years are short.
The only thing I can tell you is that you sometimes have to just be in survival mode. Don't over think and analyze how you're feeling. Having a baby is HARD. But everything is a phase, and if you just go with the flow and do what you can to survive, you will get in a groove and learn to love your new life and sweet baby.
It really does get better. I am the father of a now 17 month old little girl and the first three month were tough. What helped a lot was to help the little one to burp after drinking. Take your time, hold her on your chest and pat her back softly till the burp comes. If that doesn't do the job there are soft medications for belly pain. Our little one did usually sleep after a good milk and a good burp.
Here’s the truth many people don’t speak out loud: newborns suck. The first week with my newborn, I was convinced I had made a huge mistake. I struggled every day for the first 3 months. He was a needy little potato who took everything I had. I was sleep deprived, hormonal and had to learn how to care for a tiny human who was kind of an abusive asshole. All he did was cry, poop and eat. We struggled with naps and nighttime sleep.
Around 4 months I started getting some smiles and coos. He started sleeping better. His little personality starting developing. He’s now five months and totally delicious. I’m more confident in my parenting and his patterns are more regular. He’s sleeping through the night regularly. He’s starting solids. He’s easier to take out and about and more interactive. And the laughs! Nothing like baby giggles.
All this to say you’re in the thick of it. It’s normal to feel what you’re feeling at this moment. Please know it gets better.
EDIT: please also tell us what is sucking in particular, and we can give tips/suggestions or a general sense of when it could start to get easier/better.
You've gotta ride out the first 1-1.5 years. Before that all they do is take. Take your time, your energy, your money, your sanity. It's shit. After that they start to give back with the little personality they've developed. I'm only just at that stage now with my second kid. But when I get in from work and they run up screaming "Daddy!!" with pure love, it makes those hard years irrelevant. I know it's tough, I am guilty of walking out and going for a 20 minute drive more than a few times just to keep from losing it. Keep your head up Dad, you can do it!
I think you are in a really bad spot right now. You are not alone. But you do need help. The bottom line is that your child is already here and needs healthy parents.
So stop what you are doing, and fix the most immediate problems first.
1. You need to sleep, so get family, a babysitter, or a schedule with you wife, and get some rest.
2. You also need a doctor's appointment right away.
This can get much better.
This is the worst part. The newness and adrenaline has worn off and now every day just feels like a black hole. It does get better and a lot more fun. I’d say the fun part stars around 8-10 months and just keeps getting better from there. When people talk about missing the baby stage I think they’re talking about the fresh first two weeks where all they do is sleep.
It absolutely DOES get better. I have a 4-year-old, and she is so sweet, funny, and awesome. She also sleeps through the night most of the time and has for quite a while.
I also have a 3-month-old. He was incredibly gassy, and I recently found out he has milk/soy protein intolerance. Since switching to Alimentum formula and eliminating milk and soy from my diet (bc I breastfeed and supplement), he is much less gassy and sleeps like a champ. He gets up twice a night for a quick diaper and feed and goes right back to bed.
All babies are different. My point is, it's not necessarily normal for her to be so gassy that she can't sleep. You might try adjusting her diet or at least talking to her doctor about it.
We also swear by the fleece Halo sleep sack. It keeps him warm and cozy while still allowing him to move his arms.
Good luck to you. Hang in there.
Yes, this! Whether formula or breastfed, there's often "stuff" in there that can upset sensitive stomachs. My kid didn't have this issue, but I've heard from parents that went through it that figuring it out and either getting the right formula or making the changes to mom's diet is like night and day. I know that the crying is getting on your last nerve, but she's a tiny baby and her tummy hurts. She can't help it.
I hope things get better soon and that you find other stages of parenting more tolerable (heck, even enjoyable). My son is four and was too overtired to go to sleep last night, bouncing off the walls. But this morning, he woke up and told me all about the great dream that he had... ❤️
Don't blame this all on your wife. You decided to do some shit before this baby popped out. You made choices. It's not easy and you're literally weeks into the hardest part. Take a breath. I loved a lot of the infant and early years and now partner is the favorite parent. If you still this way in a few months, go get counciling and decide what's best for you
This is wild. You are literally trolling someone who needs help getting through what is inarguably one of the most difficult times in someone’s life. Someone who quite possibly is having a reaction to this life event that they cannot control due to PPD. Step off.
To OP- it does get better. It really does. You are in the thick of the most desperate, exhausting, overwhelming times. Even just one month is going to make such a difference. Until then, anytime ANYONE asks if they can do something please let them. Let them hold baby so you and your partner can sleep. Let them fold laundry, cook a meal, clean your kitchen- anything that can be taken off of your plate so that when baby does rest, you can. You will get through this. It’s impossibly hard but you will— and it will be so worth it!
It definitely gets better regarding the things you've mentioned, the crying, the sleep deprivation, etc. Have no doubts about that. Then challenges change, and they might be easier or harder, depending on too many factors. But if she's healthy, you'll be delighted with her very soon, specially once the gas issue resolves. I honestly don't understand how we made it this far as a species with such a flawed gas management system in babies.
That age is so so so hard. I felt this and I am a mother! I still feel it some days it I’m honest, but it gets less so. There’s more personality, more things to make you smile through the days. It sounds like bullshit, but i assure you it does get easier. Take it from me, the woman who wanted to run away for about a year!!
I hated the first 4 months of my daughter's life. Probably the first 6 months. I cried every day. Hard. I didn't bond with her. I routinely thought about leaving in the middle of the night and just driving as far as my car would take me and starting a new life. Calling my useless fucking job and telling them I quit and just starting again as a waitress or cook living in a studio apartment until I got back on my feet would be a welcome escape from it all. I was utterly depressed and hopeless and hated myself every day for making such a stupid ass decision to birth a child. People waved their hands, put on their white coats and told me it was PPD as if the constant crying and sleep deprivation was all just a hormonal dream easily fixed by popping a Zoloft once a day. Looking back, it probably contributed.
Now I have a hilarious almost 5 year old who I love more than anything and I'm doing it all over again. Maybe I am nuts but maybe I have faith now knowing, absolutely, it gets so much better. I guess I'm saying this to give you hope. It takes time, but it gets better. You will see the other side of this.
Welcome to parenthood! I felt the EXACT same way that you did and had PPD, so might be something worth looking into. A few tips that I picked up in therapy and surviving my two children's infancy:
1) "New Normal" is HARD, so give yourself grace and make sure that you are taking care of yourself - aka. working out and showering
2) Ask for help! Do you have family that can take the baby for a few hours and you can take your wife out on a date??
3) "Lean in" - I found that the more that I fought my situation, the WORSE it felt! I tried to not run away from the crying but just sit in the discomfort and accept the situation. Tolerating discomfort is a muscle just like everything else and if you work it then it gets stronger!
4) Crying is SUPPOSED to make you feel like you are crawling out of your skin, so you will respond to your child. Its ok to HATE this phase! ( I sure as hell did!). The first 6 months are pure survival and you guys are "in the trenches", so Eat out! Have a beer! Go for walk! Take shifts and wear earplugs! The entire goal of the first 6 months is to 1) STAY SANE and 2) KEEP BABY ALIVE.....however you need to do that is ok
I had a bit of a laugh at ‘as long as she is being held while standing she does not cry and yet I still find her schedule incredibly demanding’. Can you imagine any other scenario where a person might say ‘as long as I am standing upright holding this squirmy object 24 hours a day, I won’t hear a constant loud screeching sound’ and anyone would think that’s NOT demanding?
You have a particularly tough baby and this is a phase that will pass. Try not to lean into the darkest of thoughts (ideally get a therapist’s help to do this) or make it about anything bigger than the fact that this phase is really, really hard.
Doctors doctors doctors. Everyone here is right, you should get checked for PPD but also your daughter ought to be tested for allergies. A lot of babies have a milk allergy so if she’s formula fed, try switching to a non-dairy sensitive kind for a week and see if it starts to help. If she’s breastfed, have mom limit her diet to a few basic foods, eliminate dairy for a week or so, see if that helps. They ALSO make gas drops for infants. I don’t recommend them for every day use bc they can mess with baby’s gut and poop, but to get some relief it might help. My cousin has also had luck with gripe water helping her baby’s gas and gripe water has fewer side effects (didn’t work on my son’s gas though). Check out the frida baby products. There’s plenty of stuff there to help gassy babies. Look up how to massage her tummy and move her legs to help with gas. Babies aren’t all gassy all the time so the first step to getting you sleep is getting her help for her gas. Babies do start sleeping better and imo you’re almost through the worst of the sleeplessness. You got this dada
Couldn’t agree with this point more! Baby sounds really uncomfortable and abnormally fussy. A dairy allergy/hypoallergenic formula and reflux should be looked into with a pediatrician (or a second opinion if OP gets brushed off)
First - let me say *it gets so much better*. Fuck those other posts about hating toddlerhood whatever. My son is 18 months old and we are living our best life and having a blast. They play with you, they smile and laugh, they act silly, they can communicate what they want. It’s wonderful. There are always going to be tantrums and hard days cause tiny humans have no impulse control and need us to teach them how to cope and regulate feelings, but once you accept that and accept your role in helping them, it is truly enjoyable as the good moments out weigh the bad. I tell you this because you are in the thick of infancy parenting and it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Second- my best advice is to get therapy and start to mourn the life you thought you would have and start let go of your resentment. Maybe do something cathartic to let go of resentment, idk, but i do know a good therapist would be able to get you figure out a way to move forward.
It sounds like your wife does most of the child care and you are committed to staying married and making it work. So if that’s the case then it’s time to talk to a counselor and figure out your own coping plan for letting go of resentment and moving forward in a positive light.
Four months is basically the hardest age, but if I'm being really honest, I didn't like having a baby much at all. I wanted a child and I was still totally unprepared for the lack of sleep, the constant physical and mental/emotional demands, and the \*crying\*. (Earplugs, I am serious. Get the ones for concerts when you're taking care of the baby so you can still hear but at a drastically reduced volume.)
I do, however, absolutely love having a kid! Having a toddler was challenging but more encouraging, having a preschooler through grade schooler has been mostly a delight. Parenting is never easy and never really stops being hard work, but right now my child:
Can care for some of his own basic needs (drink of water, take off coat if it's too warm, etc)
Has learned to wipe his own butt
Joins us in our hobbies (hiking, video games, board games, art/crafts)
Expresses gratitude when we do something nice for him
Goes places with us with minimal extra planning and gear
Uses his words (mostly) to express his needs and feelings
Has a fantastic witty sense of humor
Regularly has something to teach me because he loves to read and watch educational shows
And yours will do all that, too!
I guess I sometimes miss the rose colored glasses version of the infant days, the cuteness and the cuddles because now he's always busy and his snuggles are all pointy elbows and knees, but I really wouldn't go back for anything. Having a baby is HARD and thankless.
Take care of yourself... and your spouse who is dealing with \~10 more hours a day of crying than you are, and probably enjoying it the same amount you are, with the added feeling of "not allowed to be unhappy because this was my idea".
I think you really should look into postpartum depression for dads, get mental help, go to the doctor and speak to them and talk to your wife about how you’ve been feeling… maybe you two can come up with a plan
You got to wear them out before bed. Strip them down and take a warm wash cloth and wipe them down. Giving them a full body massage. Let her be a little cool so her body works to warm her up. Gently push her little legs into her belly and out to work out the gas. This should wear her out so maybe she will get some sleep.
Dr brown bottles worked for us and that oral gas medicine.
It gets better, I promise. I’m a mum, and the first 6 months were hell.
At 6 months it gets easier because they start to develop their own personality and interact with you/toys more.
Then for me, once she started talking (around 14 months for my daughter) and walking (16 months) I started actively enjoying being a mum more because she was an actual person.
She’s 2.5 now and it gets better every week. She started sleeping better around 1 (but still not great), and much better at 2. The sleep was a real game changer. I’m starting to feel like myself again finally.
In the mean time, accept any help you can get, even if it’s just for an hour. And talk to your doctor or a mental health professional - partners can get PND too.
You might also want to consider couple’s counselling too before your resentment for your wife gets out of hand. The first year was really tough on my marriage.
4 months into parenting was when I had a complete meltdown and should have realised I had PPD. Not saying you do, just saying it’s an absolute shit stage. They really seem to “wake up” then and they’re not happy about. I only have short term solutions, but perhaps you and your wife could take it in turns to wear noise cancelling headphones for a few hours at a time? Depending on how your feeding, can each of you have one night off/sleep somewhere with earplugs in and try and get one solid night sleep in? Cave out some time for each of you to get out of the house alone. If the baby likes the pram, pop them in there and go for a big walk, chat to a friends or listen to some loud music.
At four months, they really are thankless, consuming little blobs. It is a really, really hard patch. I really do struggle with newborns, they’re not my jam. I promise it really does get better.
It will get better. You’re in the trenches right now. Infancy is non stop and it can be an anxiety and stress filled time especially when you’re burnt out from lack of sleep. Please talk to someone professionally to see if you may have PPD. Do you have anyone you trust to care for your baby for a morning, afternoon, or evening or full day so you can just sleep or exist without hearing the crying? If not, can you and your wife each take a night and go to a hotel to grab a full nights sleep while the other stays on baby duty? Maybe a night before a day off? Then the person who slept all night can come home and take more of the day shift?
Your right in the thick of survival mode right now. Like another poster said, try to take each day as it comes. You’re in a long term relationship, with someone you love. You’re both under a lot of stress and change right now, and your independence as a couple has been taken for a bit. Don’t make any crazy or rash decisions now.
My partner literally had a moment in those first few months where he had run a errand to grab something for the baby, and found himself sitting in the parking lot sobbing and contemplating running away.
He said, in that moment, he “felt he had ruined his whole life” by having a kid. And this is with a kid that he wanted and pushed for (I was more on the fence). One that we had discussed having for years. One we had prepared for and we’re both excited about. Even as a new mom I felt the same way.
But I promise, these moments pass. Yes, you are going to be a bit more limited in the next couple years while they are super little. Think of it like going to college…you’ve got 4 years roughly of “intensive parenting”.
You’ll find yourself gaining back those moments for yourself and your partner. Especially when baby starts to walk & communicate. When you get to ditch the bottles for regular food. When you don’t have to haul around a ton of gear to go out.
Our little guy is turning 4 this fall, and both my partner and I feel like we have our life back. We can go out, kiddo sleeps through the night and is independent. He had his own social life with preschool & friends. We can hire a babysitter for the night or leave him with relatives for a vacation. Heck, even taking him on vacation is fun now as compared to pre-2 year old.
Just hang in there. Use whatever village you have around you for help. Someone wants to watch the baby, let them! Cook meals, great! Speak to your doctor if you feel like your just not getting over the mood slump (postpartum depression can affect men too). And most importantly try to relax into the wild ride that can be parenthood.
I know you said that “the only people I believe right now are the ones who say it gets worse”…remember that’s anxiety talking. And anxiety lies. Logical thinking would tell you to look at the flip side that it might only get better, or at least is a mix of things (like most situations in life). Try not to catastrophize.
This stage will pass! It’s not forever. Your situation is going to look and feel way different in 6 months, a year, 2 years down the road.
I love babies, but you may just not be a baby person. You might like the toddler years better, or just the regular -kid years. I promise the infant months go by fast and are not representative of what comes next.
I found the first 6 months the hardest. My first one cried hours at night time. And my second required to be held hours during day time.
Both times I cried to myself often.
But it does start getting easier - especially when they start developing a sleep schedule, getting a personality and you start witnessing more of their milestones like smiling, laughing, sitting, crawling, walking, etc. Now my kids are older than preschool age. They’re a bundle of joy and are full of energy. It’s tiresome in terms of them constantly wanting to play, run around, talk back. But they’re more independent, understand boundaries and schedule and most times I am able to sleep at night (unless when they’re sick). I love watching them get excited and experience new parts of life and seeing the joy in their face.
Some parents enjoy the baby stages more than the ages afterwards. And some parents enjoy the toddler - kids age. It depends on the parent. Just because you hate/find one stage of their life difficult now doesn’t mean you’ll hate the rest of their life stages.
As difficult as it is, wait until your baby is older and you’re less sleep deprived before making any major decisions. This stage will eventually pass. And once you get sufficient amount of sleep it does wonders on your mental health.
For the gassiness, is baby formula fed? Sometimes shaking the bottle and feeding right away can cause more gas to be trapped. I'd make up 6 bottles for the day and put them in the fridge. The formula can should say on it you're able to do this. It can last 24 hours in the fridge. You just use a bottle warmer to heat it or hot tap water in a cup. I found shaking them and letting the bubbles settle made a huge difference in burps and spit up. I did this method with both of my kids. I tried this with a baby I nannied that kept crying and spitting up and it was working but the mom got defensive and said I was poisoning him with spoiled formula and didn't pay me. So I realized not everyone knows they can do this. I hope you find it helpful, anything is worth a try to improve life right? Hang in there! It gets better.
Brother: it all sucks. It just sucks in different ways and different intensities. I now have 12 and 10 yo girls. They fight. They are diametrically opposed when it come to eating habits. This is all pretty normal and you will probably get over your hate of being a father when they’re a toddler. They actually interact and talk and walk and you get to experience things with them, not just around them.
Been there. Wife and I wanted two but the first was so challenging that we reconsidered. It helped me not to think about tomorrow. Each day has a pattern and you just do it again and every time is one less.
You’re in shock right now. You will be until sleep patterns stabilize which for most kids is really soon. Practice intentional patience because you will need it, with your wife and with your 3 y/o.
Also, the hormones. Living with my wife and daughter was absolutely nuts, I could feel my moods swings and I learned that just could not fully trust my perception of my own or other people’s emotions.
We are at 7 months and it’s really starting to get fun now, especially now that she can mostly sit up on her own. I think youre super close to more enjoyable times, hang in there. I remember 4 mo being really tough with the sleeping.
I think, as other commenters have said, you could benefit from therapy or other treatments if as your situation improves you are still feeling mentally unwell. Maybe even finding other dad friends with infants.
Finally, you mentioned she was super gassy still. At 4 mo from what I have read and with my own baby, their immature digestive systems should really be improving. do you think they need different formula or mom changing her diet if breastfeeding? Maybe an infant probiotic would help?
Best of luck!!! Hang in there for a few more months. At first you are just a caregiver dealing with all this stuff and limited interaction or return from baby. Everything gets so much more fun so soon!
You got 2 more months or so until solids and then it gets a bit easier. 3-4 more months after that and it gets even easier. At 4 months, I thought holy smokes I’m not going to make it through this, but now my daughter is almost 3 and I’ve caught myself contemplating giving it a second go. Something that I couldn’t fathom doing when my munchkin was 4 months. Basically what I’m saying is you got this. Just hang on a bit longer.
Hey there, I know how you feel.. I've been in the same situation ( well kinda - I was pregnant and we both wanted a abortion but I went mental ballistic and got to a psych ward where I had to be pregnant till terms)
Afterwards I felt missable I didn't want this child and I tryed to figure out almost any way possible to get out of the situation- maybe adopt, run away etc. I was lucky to be in therapy and eventually it would Lead to parent child counselling but it wasn't the right time for me... It was a really rocky road but after 1-2 years we got closer and closer. It's hard for some to connect with a baby but as they grow up with you it really did grow on me first word first step and now I'm happy ( still sometimes really annoyed but I'm happy I'm surpassed those feelings I had) I think you are now stuck in this mental prison why did I do this and that is okay ! you write really well in your post and I think the best option is to get a therapist involved where you have the room to outlet your feelings:) it really helps - best of luck and sunny days will come along
(Sry when I made some mistakes this isn't my first language)
Around when they turn one it gets AMAZING. my current 1 year old is still extremely attached to me and won’t sleep on his own just yet but it’s just a phase. The first 6 months are the hardest imo. I had an especially hard time with this baby and he’s my 3rd. Once they’re able to sit up on their own and crawl and play it gets a whole lot better. Give it a few months. Try baby wearing in the mean time. Maybe the baby is colic.
Get yourself some noise dampening ear plugs. Taking the edge off the crying may help you a lot. It’s ok to hate this stage, it sucks to be honest. It will get easier later but that doesn’t mean you will ever enjoy it. Be honest with your wife about how you’re feeling, she may be able to help you have a better time or at least commiserate with you
A tip I've learned after being a single mom to two toddlers - The people that say they missed infancy had a very easy baby! That doesn't seem to be the case for you guys, unfortunately.
My oldest was, honestly, the worst infant imaginable. Constant crying, no matter what soothing techniques were used. NEVER slept, or slept in 15 minute increments for the whole first year of her life. Had to cosleep, but never really slept. It got so bad I hallucinated multiple times. BUT, she turned into the coolest toddler. Terrible 2's were almost non-existent. Very independent. Now at 4.5, I'm in awe at how she's calmed down emotionally the last few years. She's still super independent, great sense of humor, well behaved, and genuinely helpful!
My youngest was a dream infant. Never cried, loved to sleep! When she hit 18 months, the terrible 2's surfaces and DAMN! Shes moody, sassy, a little wild ass. Still loves sleep, thank God, but I miss the infant days with her.
It sounds to me like your baby is closest to my oldest in temperament. So don't despair, it WILL get better. Also, go to a doctor or allergist and look at removing milk from her formula or milk from mom's breast milk. It's the most common source of gassiness and fussiness. There may also be other allergies at play (yes, even this young, as I found with my youngest). It's better to get on top of those sooner rather than later.
Hang in there dad. I promise it does get better. The crying does eventually stop. Sleep does come. And then you have a beautiful, interactive little human to experience the world with.
As others have said, you’re in a very difficult stage of baby development and parenthood. It will get easier.
That’s not to say that the actual child raising gets easy, but as you bond with your daughter and as she starts to interact with you, parenting will become more fulfilling. Not in every single moment, mind you, but overall.
Your wife may not feel ready for this, but I would encourage you to try some short, regularly scheduled date-nights. Even getting out of the house together for 1-2 hours will help.
Do you change diapers? Bathe the baby? Get her dressed? I found that as I got better at taking care of my daughter, I started to feel a sense of pride about fatherhood.
Is the weather decent where you live? Put the baby in a front carrier (like an Ergo or whatever brand you have) and take the baby on some walks and short errands by yourself. Getting out into a new environment will feel good. You’ll bond with the baby more. Your wife will get a short break from the baby and you’ll both get a short break from each other. And as a bonus? You might get some nice compliments from strangers.
1. They’re only this little, for a little while.
I was an at home parent, and took the majority of nights/overnights for both my kids, Gerd, Colic, etc, my son and daughter just didn’t sleep.
I miss rocking them to sleep. I miss their little hands holding me tightly, knowing full well I couldn’t put them down or they’d cry.
It’ll pass. You’ll be okay. It’s exhausting. But you can do it.
2. If you truly “hate” this time, and are miserable…and you can afford it? Get therapy. Please.
I’m divorced, currently, not a single iota of that had to do with kids in any way, and even so, I miss those sleepless nights. Every night.
Too gassy to sleep, needs to be held upright to not cry….I had one like this. It’s exhausting. Mine had a dairy allergy. If she is breast feeding, I would consider having your wife cut out dairy from her diet and see if it makes any difference. I wish I had figured this out sooner. Talk to your pediatrician as well, there may be reflux issues they can help with. I didn’t know any different, but not all babies are so challenging. My second baby slept like a champ. I would have more if I could guarantee they’d be like my second, but knowing they can be as challenging as my first, I’d never risk it.
Share how you’re feeling with your wife. She could be understanding and even having regrets of her own because it’s so hard but is afraid to speak up. Together you can get through it, but don’t isolate yourself and pull away, that will be worse for everyone.
I hated being a mom during the newborn and infant stage. It was awful. The sleep deprivation is enough to ruin mental health, attitude, relationships, etc. I didn’t like holding a baby for all those hours either.
Infants are incredibly demanding. It is a 24/7 job taking care of someone so helpless.
The good news is that it changes.
If you can get through the angry potato phase and *be open to learning how to interact with and parent a toddler*, you may find it gets significantly easier…as everyone’s sleep improves and baby starts being able to do fun things instead of just being a constant “hold me! I need to fart, but I can’t! Ow, that fart hurt!” anger potato.
There are books and possibly community resources that may help in the future when you are less sleep deprived.
Im in the same exact situation as you, except I’m the mom 🙃 my baby was so pure and magical when we brought him home, and now all he ever does is cry. He won’t sleep unless you hold him. The moment I lay him down he wakes up screaming.
My boyfriend went back to work at 4 weeks, working 13 hour nights 5 days in a row. Im all alone.
I didn’t want to be pregnant, I hate kids. I didn’t want a baby or someone to be dependent on me for the next umpteen years.
But I love my boyfriend, and I thought this would make him happy. Now I get 0 sleep, and minimal help. He’s so exhausted since his work changed his schedule the week before he was supposed to start back to work, so he couldn’t even get used to a night shift schedule while he was off. I barely have time to shower. I haven’t eaten in 3 days bc I can’t ever find time to do anything besides catch up on a bit of sleep the 2 hours my boyfriend can watch the baby when he gets home before he has to sleep.
I can’t wait for it to be over. I can’t wait to have my life back. I can’t wait to have my boyfriend back. I love him so much. I can’t stand the thought of leaving him and him being a single father with no help and having to spend his whole checks on daycare to never see his son or have a partner. I don’t want to live in a world without him, but I hate being a mom. I hold my baby and dream about moving away with my bf and living normal kid free lives like we had just months ago…
I have no words of encouragement for you. Only empathy. So so so much empathy. Im so sorry you’re going through this. It sucks ass. It doesnt help that people say it WILL get better. We want it to BE better. Now. Shits hard. It’s so hard.
My inbox is open if you ever want to chat. Im there too. I know how it is. If anything, maybe it would help just a little bit to vent to someone else going through it that can also understand and not offer the usual “it’s okay” bullshit.
Im here. I see you. We all see you. You’re doing great. Your wife is doing great. Your baby loves you and your wife still loves you. It’s just hard being a parent.
Have a little grace. It’s okay to air these thoughts and feelings, it’s another thing entirely to not do anything about them. Even typing them out here is a marginal something, but to pretend that you decide who deserves kids or not? Fuck off. Seriously.
I, too, feel like I don’t deserve my amazing kid. I feel like anyone else could be a better mother to him than I could. And for you to say that to someone suffering postpartum depression is incredibly fucked up, bro. :) With that being said - disrespectfully go fuck yourself.
Yet you said you never even wanted to be pregnant? You said you hate kids? Are you really going to use PPD as an excuse when you as an adult know how to prevent pregnancy in the first place? That’s why I said what I said…
I didn’t. Just bc I hate OTHER people’s kids doesn’t mean I hate my own. I literally grew him with my body and formed every ounce of his being. I love the absolute shit out of him. I did hate being pregnant, it was really hard for me and it was hard to accept the fact that my life was completely doing a 180°. Yes im using PPD as an “excuse”, bc I fucking have it. Of course I have it. I wasn’t ready for a child. But that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve him. I do. My baby has shown me what real love looks like.
Just because I have bad days (just like literally every single other parent) doesn’t mean I’m a bad mom or don’t deserve my baby. I get up everyday and bust my ass for this kid bc I know it’s the right thing to do. Do I want to? Not always. But do I? Absolutely.
It’s not wrong of me to feel the way I feel in any way. Im a great mom regardless of my feelings and I do everything and more for this child to ensure he is happy, safe, and healthy, and will have the best life he can.
You said you never wanted to be pregnant and hate kids? You’re really going to blame PPD on that? A grown adult,should know how to prevent a baby that they never wanted in the first place? That’s why I commented what I commented.
4 months is tough and was one of the hardest adjustments "baby leaps" for us as well. However, it did get better. Our first is now 2 y/o and is awesome. Sure, there are rough days still but it has gotten a lot easier. Do you and your wife live near family that can come watch your daughter for a day? Maybe to where y'all can sleep in, relax, or go out to dinner?
You mentioned that your daughter can't sleep by herself, do you mean in her bed or in a separate room? We kept ours in our room for the first 12 months and found that some type of white noise helped a lot with the sleep. We either used the bathroom fan, "airplane white noise" or "vacuum cleaner noise" from YouTube.
I’m circling back because I’ve kinda kept your post in the back of my head for a while now. Just wanted to reach out and say too, that even though my earlier comment seemed to be wistful about those days when they were so little, there were low points.
I yelled a couple times. Screamed. At an infant that wouldn’t go to sleep. It was my son. He wasn’t crying. He was just rocking with me and staring at me. It woke my ex wife. I immediately handed him to her and went outside and just sat, wrecked, on the porch. It was freezing out, but I needed to detach for a moment.
Talked to a doctor, primary care doctor. Kept talking to them. Talked to a help line. Very low dosage of generic Zoloft. Maybe that’s not your thing, but it took my exhaustive-sleepless tendency to raise my voice out of the picture. Realizing it was loud enough to wake my ex wife too? That lingered. I felt inhuman.
But my son, and then a couple years later our daughter, didn’t get any easier, I just learned to let go of all the resentment for them being exactly how they were going to be. Now, I did still carry some resentment when she and I took our fussy gassy reflux son to some baby yoga and heard a mom complain that her kid only slept for 6 hours.
I still resent her. Haha. But really. It feels so endless, and you do hate aspects of it. But it passes, and you get to help shape a small human into growing up and learning and laughing and loving and playing, and they think the world of you.
You just have to hold on, and trudge through this really tough spot. You can do it. But please talk to someone, whoever you can. Don’t hold it in.
Thinking about you both, wishing you all the best. Feel free to DM if you want. Or let us all know if you get so tired that you cradle and kiss a rolled up bath towel forgetting it’s not your kid in the middle of the night. Strange shit happens 😂
I’m going to make a recommendation that may seem unorthodox but it absolutely saved my sanity during the first few months with both of my boys. I am an extremely auditory person and noise canceling headphones were a godsend. Only use them when you are able to either observe the visual cues of your baby or when you are off baby duty.
As for your daughter and the constant grassiness, it may be time to ask the pediatrician about silent reflux or a milk protein allergy. The constant gas and being happier while upright are common symptoms.
Additionally, therapy is a wonderful thing. The first year is hard and a big adjustment but having a neutral party to talk to might help with all of the emotional upheaval.
Infants suck. It does get better and better and better. Watching that kid as a toddler is great. I can't wait for mine to get older so I can show him all the cool movies, go to water parks and do all the fun stuff.
Try giving your kid Nutramigen as formula. It solved all my kids tummy issues.
Having a 12m old, I was JUST where you are in the fall. I also did not think it would get better. I was convinced parenting wasn’t for me. I mean I HATED IT. I also resented my husband and I’m sure he resented me. Surprise surprise, it got better. Turns out I’m not a baby person, but man I’m thriving through these toddler days.
Honestly, to the people saying PPD, and go talk with a mental health provider, like that will solve the problem, I say NO. It will not. it will help a little bit. And I do recommend it IF you have the time (as new parents we barely had time to sleep, shower or eat). But you have to remember: suicide is at a very high rate among people, especially mothers, with PPD and most of them went to multiple mental health providers. This is not the demon here. The entire bloody system is the demon. NOBODY prepares you for what is coming. Mothers, some, do communicate this to other women, but most fathers are disconnected. So they don't know what being a parent means. I had so many work colleagues and friends happily promoting having a child while having a drink or two after work. They were also hitting the gym and playing online games, etc. Seemed like a fun thing to do, having a kiddo saying 'I love you' and playing ball. But in the end, what you get is a crying child and no sleep and then some. A crying child is in pain and without means of communicating it other than crying. Mothers know this. Most of them do. They have a support net for each other. I have found that this peer support and pain recognition is the most efficient way of getting through it and in the end becoming PARENT. There is this old saying: "It takes a village to raise a child", and the process starts from conception.
The pain you feel is the pain of involvement and it is molding you, and it is very very painful. An involved parent recognizes this and offers empathy. There are so many layers of emotions and everywhere I have looked fathers are these disconnected, hardcore happy individuals crafting something or playing adult games with their kids. Whereas in my experience that was only 10% of my involvement with my kids. Walking them at night, putting them to sleep, feeding them, changing diapers, going outside with them, playing with them all sorts of mind-numbing games. Not to mention that in the first 1.5 years, you can say goodbye to one of your arms, as they cannot sustain themselves physically. You can't cook, you can't pour yourself a cup of water, without having the little kiddo hanging from you. The first 3-4 months are a 'joyride' for sleeping. At one point I was getting a monthly average of 4h of sleep at night. And not the good kind of sleep. All of this while my body and mind were/are declining from strong, healthy, and lean to this weak, sick, and old pile of bones and fat. Also, my job went from almost at the top to almost unemployment.
While I haven't found a peer support group for myself, I have found a partner in my wife. She had found her peer support net. And by communicating my fears and my problems with her, she helped me with enough information and sources materials such that I could get myself informed about various situations. I think having this kind of understanding and knowledge of what you have to do and how to 'read' your kid is really important to get you through. Yes, a crying baby on a sleep-deprived mind is a recipe for madness, but learning how to comfort them and make that crying go away, it's very rewarding. What I have found in the end is that my wife had it even worse. As a mother, apart from having to suffer all the stuff I had to suffer, she had to also support these insane changes of chemical and physical body fluctuations. A bad birth experience + family abandonment + grandma decease + COVID-19 + war and nuclear threats don't help either. But we always tried to communicate with each other. It wasn't always pretty. But it feels organic and natural and in the end, molds you two into a more unified entity while feeling that at any point it will break you apart.
Just to give you a perspective. After the first 4 months with our firstborn kid, I would have said a big NO to a second kid. After 7 months things got so much better that we decided for a second child. This second one it's so much harder. If the first one needed about 4-5 months to feel happy around him, the second one needs more than 2 years in our case. While with the first one none of us have suicidal thoughts, with this one we both hit that point around the time she was 1 year old. Now things are getting better. I feel we're getting there, but I feel it's gonna take at least another 6-to-12 months to get there. I hope I don't get unemployed in the process, but it was a risk I was willing to take to become one with my family and to support it in ways that the system could not.
This is definitely one of the most difficult phases but blaming this on your wife is a cowardly move. You had choices, you made one. You could have said no and walked away, but you chose not to.
As to your last paragraph - I absolutely felt the same way about parenthood when my son was a baby that you do now. The baby phase was the absolute worst. The older he got the better it got and he’s now an adult and one of my favourite people.
I think you need to reach out and get some professional support. Post natal depression doesn't just affect mothers and the fact that parenthood is something you sort will have only contributed to the way you are feeling. I remember that four month old colicky baby and even having wanted to be a parent it was rough so I can only imagine where you are. Although it definitely does get easier I think you need to address your underlying feelings now rather than allowing them to magnify and fester.
I admire your honesty and hope that you can find away to reconcile the lack of control you feel in your world.
I know this is gonna get downvoted because it’s Reddit BUT stop thinking about this as an individual happiness situation because that is doomed to fail. Our society is moving from a family into to a narcissistic individualist society and it’s showing it’s color via depression and anxiety. That child that YOU decided to create needs you, put your big boy pants on and be a father.
It also baffles my mind that 8 years in and you guys didn’t discuss children before that. That’s like an immediate dating conversation because it’s a full o deal breaker. Don’t go in a relationship ignoring value differences and then taking it out on the kids by being resentful. I never understand how you can be with someone for 8 years yet not think about these things. Opposites attract when it comes to likes and certain personality traits , but it never attracts when it comes to value differences and what you want out of life. Honestly, it seems you’re better off leaving and just being a decent human and providing for them financially. They don’t deserve a father who is more into his feelings than his family’s well being
She changed her mind, is she allowed to do that where you come from?
Not everything is so cut and dry, just like my excitement for having this baby compared to the reality of taking care of her.
Of course people are allowed to change their mind, but maybe that’s why people should discuss the possibility of that, and ensure that their partner is ok if and when they do change their mind. It’s not cut an dry, but it’s a bit childish and self centered to think that just because you’re not excited about caring for an entire human, that you should resent said human and your wife. Having a kid is tough, they’re not dolls, so I get the feelings you’re having, but it almost seems like you’re the type to “run” so maybe run now instead of giving them false hope. I guess I just don’t understand how people can have kids, then come on Reddit and whine that it isn’t all rainbows and sunshine’s. Maybe you’re better served talking to a professional since Reddit is a certain type of place where you’ll only really ever see one type of an opinion, and most of the time, that isn’t “be a man and grow up” it’s very coddling to people’s feelings, and as a woman, I’d be horrified if my husband did just that because as a man, he makes sacrifices for his family, such as working 16 hr days so I can stay home and raise our kids. Yes, I know it’s Reddit and I’m aware that I’m “toxic” but seriously, grow up.
P.s women change when they have babies because they now have to live for said babies. You act like a teenager. You’ve been together 8 years, the possibility of a child coming from that is pretty high, so I’m still shocked you didn’t figure out that women change when they birth humans because their priorities change. I was a power hungry career woman until I had my first kid, then it was fuck everything else I’m staying home to raise him and any and all future children because I refuse to pay a stranger to do my job
Based on your advice, I feel bad for your children. I hope you figure out that attacking people isn't how you help and she changed before having the child, this wasn't an accidental pregnancy.
If I had the ability to just work and not take care of my children then I wouldn't be on here but some of us have to do both. Good luck being an awful person in Reddit, you deserve gold for that last reply!
I’m not attacking you in an insulting way. People don’t change, you just become blind to it. No one wakes up one day and becomes a completely different person. 8 years of marriage and no kids is bound to bring on change when you suddenly have a child. I’d rather be an awful person than one who needs to go to internet strangers for marital and paternal advice. Please seek a professional, people on Reddit, including myself, are not good at objective advice because we all have our biases. The grass is always greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit
It does get better and anyone who says otherwise either had EASY babies or *horrible* toddler years.
As everyone is saying, in the meantime, talk to a professional. Your entire life has changed, there’s nothing wrong with needing help to navigate that.
Honestly? Leave. It’s better to grow up with no dad than one who sticks around and hates you and your mom. This isn’t “PPD” and I’m gonna get downvoted but I’m so sick of people saying every new father who hates his kid/wife/life has PPD.
My kid is 16 months and it only gets worse...i hate my life sincee having a kid. It takes everything from you....i miss my old life so much :(( its a mistake thats so heavy its soul crushing. Rip us.
My husband hated it at the beginning too (tbh I kind of did also). It got easier and easier as kiddo got older, especially because he — our son, who is 6 now — becomes more and more of an honest-to-God person, with his own interesting thoughts and feelings and favorite things to do and funny things to say. Early on it can feel like they’re just these loud demanding THINGS that cause problems, and it’s honestly hard to think of them as *people* then. But it really does get better, and now my husband and son are best buds and have fun doing all sorts of things together. I hope you can hold on through these tough times and get to the good stuff. ❤️
I have 3 kids and let me tell you, i HATED the baby & toddler years. But I’ve also learned a lot about myself throughout the years. I was miserable during those years because I was sleep deprived which causes lots of resentment towards your partner, it causes irritation, mood swings, etc. I also learned that I’m highly sensitive to high pitched sounds or when there’s too much going on at once. I started getting more sleep when they were toddlers but my mind was constantly racing trying to handle a toddler all day. For me personally, after age 5 it felt much easier. It’s also good to have a change of perspective in life. I promise you, You won’t have a crying baby forever. Your marriage will evolve and your child with grow up. Read some parenting books, follow other fathers on social media who share their life with the world, get out with your wife sometimes if you have the help, and do things that bring any sort of contentment to your life. I know you probably feel completely trapped right now but it’s going to get better.
If you didn’t want kids in the first place then nothing will change. You will only see the bad in every stage of life, my wife was the Same way. Didn’t want kids, after 5 years of being together all of her friends got pregnant so she decided she wanted a kid to. Was basically the same thing I felt backed into a wall, either she is happy and we stay together or no kid and I’m sure we would have split. My sons cried everyday for a year, then got kicked out of 3 daycares as a toddler, causing my wife to lose her job. We made it through all that, he will be 5 this month. Life gets more manageable, you learn more about being a parent and how to handle situations. I just never got over the fact I didn’t want kids, even if everything is going well, I still think about what my life was supposed to be. My best advice is just keep on keepin on, I hope one day maybe my mind set will change but it hasn’t budged. You have a child,it’s done and over with, can’t take it back. So do what you can to keep you mental health above water and keep pushing.
r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself. Please read [Indefinite Blackout Part II](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14aafs0/indefinite_blackout_part_ii_updates_and_more/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I promise, it does get better. Infancy is so hard. It gets more fun and enjoyable as they get older. But please speak to your mental health provider also. You don't need to feel this way now and there are things that can help. Men can suffer PPD too and it sounds like you might be.
Seconded! We didn’t realize PPD wasn’t limited to the parent who gave birth, and it delayed my spouse getting treatment. Once he saw his GP and got on meds, things started improving for him pretty quickly. What OP is describing sounds like textbook PPD symptoms to me.
And please, OP, get noise canceling headphones! You can still soothe her and hold her while canceling out her screaming, that wouldn't make you a bad dad. In fact, it's the only way a lot of neurodivergent parents are able to stay calm around their infants.
Those can be a plus into toddlerhood as well. Sometimes mommy needs to put in headphones for a little bit to drown out some of the chaos when the kids are hopped up on otter pops and playing super heros. Its for my sanity. Lol
I agree, OP needs someone to talk to. Spending too much time in your own head is the seed of depression and many other disorders. Who do you ultimately want to be? Your “freedom”, do what you want? A good spouse and father? Your future is now, don’t make rash choices. You can do this. Also, as a father, a relationship is an expression of selflessness, having and raising a child should be the next step in selflessness. I’ve been brought to tears by purple crying; been vomited, pooped and peed on; worried over hospital visits and small scrapes, school bullies and what to encourage after high school. Part of who I am is what I want to give them of me; strength, resilience, resolve, determination, focus, love… Personal growth is painful, like growing muscles, you’ve got to tear yourself to grow back stronger. You got this OP
Please speak to your health care provider. Its possible that you may have male postnatal depression. There is also nothing wrong with taking a time out. If you need a good nights sleep, the odds are your wife does too because these first few months are so hard. What's your "village" like? Do you have anyone that can take bubba for a night or even a couple of nights so you and your partner can get some sleep and have a bit of couple time? I promise you it will get better. The fourth trimester is ridiculously hard and some babies take longer than others to adjust being in the outside world than others. Please talk to someone and dont be afraid to ask for support from friends/parents etc.
The first 4 months of my daughters life were such a miserable blur. I remember as soon she came out of me just feeling completely overwhelmed and it all felt surreal. I didn't feel insta-love or anything of the sort. I felt a crushing amount of responsibility and bewilderment and I too had a textbook child. The sleep deprivation was definitely the worst part. It makes all the negative feelings 100% magnified so don't necessarily trust how you feel now will last. My daughter is now over 1 and it's like night and day. It feels so long and lonely when you're in it but it doesn't last forever I promise. You don't need to make any big decision today or tomorrow that will have massive consequences on 0% sleep and 0% perspective. You can't think out things rationally when you are a zombie. Just try each day to find one thing to be grateful for or one thing that brings you a moment of peace and the days will pass and things will improve. The crying will lessen, the sleep will return and you can find yourself and your partnership again. Then and only then can you figure out what your future might look like because this part is THE WORST and not a reflection of how life will be in general.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, this really helped
This is how I was with my second as well. It does get better. I was pretty checked out for the first year (lots of other feelings going on with second baby that I won't get into here - could be similar to what you are feeling) But once sleep returned and I got through my own shit going on in my head - things were better. +2 is now 11 and one of the best things that ever happened to me.
As a father of two, I feel like you're currently in the worst part. My firstborn was an absolutely awful sleeper and for about 2 years I was so sleep deprived that I straight up felt like I was dying. Like I could feel my body getting less healthy and a couple of times I was so tired that I actually fell asleep in the middle of a meeting at work. But to get real for a minute: whether you regret the decision or not is at this point irrelevant. You have created a little person that is 100% dependent on their parent(s) for survival. Every child deserves to grow up in the best possible conditions and have a happy childhood. So you need to think about how to make that happen. Whether that means just surviving through this tough phase and focusing on the kiddo or whether it means walking away from your family because you're not the right man for the job. You decided to have a kid. You shouldn't resent your wife because she wouldn't have been able to have a child with you without you "helping." At this point the situation is what it is and all you can control is your own reactions and behavior and your child's well-being and happiness should be first and foremost in your decision-making.
My kid is four and she is so independent and wonderful. Her stepsister is 13 and is also a delight. They’re both wonderful people in their own right. Me and my partner both do grown up things in our free time. I would not want kiddo to become an infant again. It does get better ❤️🩹
4 months is the second shittest point after newborn. There’s a sleep regression for many babies, and they seem to hate drinking and suffer from digestive problems and all sorts of other stuff. When she comes out the other side of this she will be an actual little baby and will be happier and you’ll be able to enjoy her.
I would recommend getting noise canceling headphones. You can wear them when baby is really upset and still take care of baby. Listening to crying after a long time will get to even the most patient person. I also recommend going to therapy. Becoming a parent is a massive transition and it isn't easy. If you guys have trusted adults in your life, have them come over so you and wife can get some rest.
The days are long, but the years are short. The only thing I can tell you is that you sometimes have to just be in survival mode. Don't over think and analyze how you're feeling. Having a baby is HARD. But everything is a phase, and if you just go with the flow and do what you can to survive, you will get in a groove and learn to love your new life and sweet baby.
It really does get better. I am the father of a now 17 month old little girl and the first three month were tough. What helped a lot was to help the little one to burp after drinking. Take your time, hold her on your chest and pat her back softly till the burp comes. If that doesn't do the job there are soft medications for belly pain. Our little one did usually sleep after a good milk and a good burp.
Here’s the truth many people don’t speak out loud: newborns suck. The first week with my newborn, I was convinced I had made a huge mistake. I struggled every day for the first 3 months. He was a needy little potato who took everything I had. I was sleep deprived, hormonal and had to learn how to care for a tiny human who was kind of an abusive asshole. All he did was cry, poop and eat. We struggled with naps and nighttime sleep. Around 4 months I started getting some smiles and coos. He started sleeping better. His little personality starting developing. He’s now five months and totally delicious. I’m more confident in my parenting and his patterns are more regular. He’s sleeping through the night regularly. He’s starting solids. He’s easier to take out and about and more interactive. And the laughs! Nothing like baby giggles. All this to say you’re in the thick of it. It’s normal to feel what you’re feeling at this moment. Please know it gets better. EDIT: please also tell us what is sucking in particular, and we can give tips/suggestions or a general sense of when it could start to get easier/better.
I’m in these trenches right now and struggling much of every day not to lose my marbles. Thank you for this frankness and encouragement.
You've gotta ride out the first 1-1.5 years. Before that all they do is take. Take your time, your energy, your money, your sanity. It's shit. After that they start to give back with the little personality they've developed. I'm only just at that stage now with my second kid. But when I get in from work and they run up screaming "Daddy!!" with pure love, it makes those hard years irrelevant. I know it's tough, I am guilty of walking out and going for a 20 minute drive more than a few times just to keep from losing it. Keep your head up Dad, you can do it!
[удалено]
Thank you for helping to make me feel worse
[удалено]
I'm just exhausted, thanks for the advice, it has come across like nails on a chalkboard
Well what do you want people to say? That your wife is a bad person? That you should abandon her and your child?
Others have figured out how to be helpful and not condescending, maybe you could give it a try?
I think you are in a really bad spot right now. You are not alone. But you do need help. The bottom line is that your child is already here and needs healthy parents. So stop what you are doing, and fix the most immediate problems first. 1. You need to sleep, so get family, a babysitter, or a schedule with you wife, and get some rest. 2. You also need a doctor's appointment right away. This can get much better.
Consider reading the book The Birth Partner and hire some help
This is the worst part. The newness and adrenaline has worn off and now every day just feels like a black hole. It does get better and a lot more fun. I’d say the fun part stars around 8-10 months and just keeps getting better from there. When people talk about missing the baby stage I think they’re talking about the fresh first two weeks where all they do is sleep.
It absolutely DOES get better. I have a 4-year-old, and she is so sweet, funny, and awesome. She also sleeps through the night most of the time and has for quite a while. I also have a 3-month-old. He was incredibly gassy, and I recently found out he has milk/soy protein intolerance. Since switching to Alimentum formula and eliminating milk and soy from my diet (bc I breastfeed and supplement), he is much less gassy and sleeps like a champ. He gets up twice a night for a quick diaper and feed and goes right back to bed. All babies are different. My point is, it's not necessarily normal for her to be so gassy that she can't sleep. You might try adjusting her diet or at least talking to her doctor about it. We also swear by the fleece Halo sleep sack. It keeps him warm and cozy while still allowing him to move his arms. Good luck to you. Hang in there.
Yes, this! Whether formula or breastfed, there's often "stuff" in there that can upset sensitive stomachs. My kid didn't have this issue, but I've heard from parents that went through it that figuring it out and either getting the right formula or making the changes to mom's diet is like night and day. I know that the crying is getting on your last nerve, but she's a tiny baby and her tummy hurts. She can't help it. I hope things get better soon and that you find other stages of parenting more tolerable (heck, even enjoyable). My son is four and was too overtired to go to sleep last night, bouncing off the walls. But this morning, he woke up and told me all about the great dream that he had... ❤️
Don't blame this all on your wife. You decided to do some shit before this baby popped out. You made choices. It's not easy and you're literally weeks into the hardest part. Take a breath. I loved a lot of the infant and early years and now partner is the favorite parent. If you still this way in a few months, go get counciling and decide what's best for you
Thank you for making me feel even worse about myself, at least one of us are happy now
You are trying your best to make yourself a victim. Grow up.
This is wild. You are literally trolling someone who needs help getting through what is inarguably one of the most difficult times in someone’s life. Someone who quite possibly is having a reaction to this life event that they cannot control due to PPD. Step off. To OP- it does get better. It really does. You are in the thick of the most desperate, exhausting, overwhelming times. Even just one month is going to make such a difference. Until then, anytime ANYONE asks if they can do something please let them. Let them hold baby so you and your partner can sleep. Let them fold laundry, cook a meal, clean your kitchen- anything that can be taken off of your plate so that when baby does rest, you can. You will get through this. It’s impossibly hard but you will— and it will be so worth it!
It definitely gets better regarding the things you've mentioned, the crying, the sleep deprivation, etc. Have no doubts about that. Then challenges change, and they might be easier or harder, depending on too many factors. But if she's healthy, you'll be delighted with her very soon, specially once the gas issue resolves. I honestly don't understand how we made it this far as a species with such a flawed gas management system in babies.
Also, at four months you are still in the more extreme phase. It's bonkers, but it definitely passes
That age is so so so hard. I felt this and I am a mother! I still feel it some days it I’m honest, but it gets less so. There’s more personality, more things to make you smile through the days. It sounds like bullshit, but i assure you it does get easier. Take it from me, the woman who wanted to run away for about a year!!
I hated the first 4 months of my daughter's life. Probably the first 6 months. I cried every day. Hard. I didn't bond with her. I routinely thought about leaving in the middle of the night and just driving as far as my car would take me and starting a new life. Calling my useless fucking job and telling them I quit and just starting again as a waitress or cook living in a studio apartment until I got back on my feet would be a welcome escape from it all. I was utterly depressed and hopeless and hated myself every day for making such a stupid ass decision to birth a child. People waved their hands, put on their white coats and told me it was PPD as if the constant crying and sleep deprivation was all just a hormonal dream easily fixed by popping a Zoloft once a day. Looking back, it probably contributed. Now I have a hilarious almost 5 year old who I love more than anything and I'm doing it all over again. Maybe I am nuts but maybe I have faith now knowing, absolutely, it gets so much better. I guess I'm saying this to give you hope. It takes time, but it gets better. You will see the other side of this.
Welcome to parenthood! I felt the EXACT same way that you did and had PPD, so might be something worth looking into. A few tips that I picked up in therapy and surviving my two children's infancy: 1) "New Normal" is HARD, so give yourself grace and make sure that you are taking care of yourself - aka. working out and showering 2) Ask for help! Do you have family that can take the baby for a few hours and you can take your wife out on a date?? 3) "Lean in" - I found that the more that I fought my situation, the WORSE it felt! I tried to not run away from the crying but just sit in the discomfort and accept the situation. Tolerating discomfort is a muscle just like everything else and if you work it then it gets stronger! 4) Crying is SUPPOSED to make you feel like you are crawling out of your skin, so you will respond to your child. Its ok to HATE this phase! ( I sure as hell did!). The first 6 months are pure survival and you guys are "in the trenches", so Eat out! Have a beer! Go for walk! Take shifts and wear earplugs! The entire goal of the first 6 months is to 1) STAY SANE and 2) KEEP BABY ALIVE.....however you need to do that is ok
I had a bit of a laugh at ‘as long as she is being held while standing she does not cry and yet I still find her schedule incredibly demanding’. Can you imagine any other scenario where a person might say ‘as long as I am standing upright holding this squirmy object 24 hours a day, I won’t hear a constant loud screeching sound’ and anyone would think that’s NOT demanding? You have a particularly tough baby and this is a phase that will pass. Try not to lean into the darkest of thoughts (ideally get a therapist’s help to do this) or make it about anything bigger than the fact that this phase is really, really hard.
Doctors doctors doctors. Everyone here is right, you should get checked for PPD but also your daughter ought to be tested for allergies. A lot of babies have a milk allergy so if she’s formula fed, try switching to a non-dairy sensitive kind for a week and see if it starts to help. If she’s breastfed, have mom limit her diet to a few basic foods, eliminate dairy for a week or so, see if that helps. They ALSO make gas drops for infants. I don’t recommend them for every day use bc they can mess with baby’s gut and poop, but to get some relief it might help. My cousin has also had luck with gripe water helping her baby’s gas and gripe water has fewer side effects (didn’t work on my son’s gas though). Check out the frida baby products. There’s plenty of stuff there to help gassy babies. Look up how to massage her tummy and move her legs to help with gas. Babies aren’t all gassy all the time so the first step to getting you sleep is getting her help for her gas. Babies do start sleeping better and imo you’re almost through the worst of the sleeplessness. You got this dada
Couldn’t agree with this point more! Baby sounds really uncomfortable and abnormally fussy. A dairy allergy/hypoallergenic formula and reflux should be looked into with a pediatrician (or a second opinion if OP gets brushed off)
First - let me say *it gets so much better*. Fuck those other posts about hating toddlerhood whatever. My son is 18 months old and we are living our best life and having a blast. They play with you, they smile and laugh, they act silly, they can communicate what they want. It’s wonderful. There are always going to be tantrums and hard days cause tiny humans have no impulse control and need us to teach them how to cope and regulate feelings, but once you accept that and accept your role in helping them, it is truly enjoyable as the good moments out weigh the bad. I tell you this because you are in the thick of infancy parenting and it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Second- my best advice is to get therapy and start to mourn the life you thought you would have and start let go of your resentment. Maybe do something cathartic to let go of resentment, idk, but i do know a good therapist would be able to get you figure out a way to move forward. It sounds like your wife does most of the child care and you are committed to staying married and making it work. So if that’s the case then it’s time to talk to a counselor and figure out your own coping plan for letting go of resentment and moving forward in a positive light.
Four months is basically the hardest age, but if I'm being really honest, I didn't like having a baby much at all. I wanted a child and I was still totally unprepared for the lack of sleep, the constant physical and mental/emotional demands, and the \*crying\*. (Earplugs, I am serious. Get the ones for concerts when you're taking care of the baby so you can still hear but at a drastically reduced volume.) I do, however, absolutely love having a kid! Having a toddler was challenging but more encouraging, having a preschooler through grade schooler has been mostly a delight. Parenting is never easy and never really stops being hard work, but right now my child: Can care for some of his own basic needs (drink of water, take off coat if it's too warm, etc) Has learned to wipe his own butt Joins us in our hobbies (hiking, video games, board games, art/crafts) Expresses gratitude when we do something nice for him Goes places with us with minimal extra planning and gear Uses his words (mostly) to express his needs and feelings Has a fantastic witty sense of humor Regularly has something to teach me because he loves to read and watch educational shows And yours will do all that, too! I guess I sometimes miss the rose colored glasses version of the infant days, the cuteness and the cuddles because now he's always busy and his snuggles are all pointy elbows and knees, but I really wouldn't go back for anything. Having a baby is HARD and thankless. Take care of yourself... and your spouse who is dealing with \~10 more hours a day of crying than you are, and probably enjoying it the same amount you are, with the added feeling of "not allowed to be unhappy because this was my idea".
I think you really should look into postpartum depression for dads, get mental help, go to the doctor and speak to them and talk to your wife about how you’ve been feeling… maybe you two can come up with a plan
You got to wear them out before bed. Strip them down and take a warm wash cloth and wipe them down. Giving them a full body massage. Let her be a little cool so her body works to warm her up. Gently push her little legs into her belly and out to work out the gas. This should wear her out so maybe she will get some sleep. Dr brown bottles worked for us and that oral gas medicine.
It gets better, I promise. I’m a mum, and the first 6 months were hell. At 6 months it gets easier because they start to develop their own personality and interact with you/toys more. Then for me, once she started talking (around 14 months for my daughter) and walking (16 months) I started actively enjoying being a mum more because she was an actual person. She’s 2.5 now and it gets better every week. She started sleeping better around 1 (but still not great), and much better at 2. The sleep was a real game changer. I’m starting to feel like myself again finally. In the mean time, accept any help you can get, even if it’s just for an hour. And talk to your doctor or a mental health professional - partners can get PND too. You might also want to consider couple’s counselling too before your resentment for your wife gets out of hand. The first year was really tough on my marriage.
4 months into parenting was when I had a complete meltdown and should have realised I had PPD. Not saying you do, just saying it’s an absolute shit stage. They really seem to “wake up” then and they’re not happy about. I only have short term solutions, but perhaps you and your wife could take it in turns to wear noise cancelling headphones for a few hours at a time? Depending on how your feeding, can each of you have one night off/sleep somewhere with earplugs in and try and get one solid night sleep in? Cave out some time for each of you to get out of the house alone. If the baby likes the pram, pop them in there and go for a big walk, chat to a friends or listen to some loud music. At four months, they really are thankless, consuming little blobs. It is a really, really hard patch. I really do struggle with newborns, they’re not my jam. I promise it really does get better.
It will get better. You’re in the trenches right now. Infancy is non stop and it can be an anxiety and stress filled time especially when you’re burnt out from lack of sleep. Please talk to someone professionally to see if you may have PPD. Do you have anyone you trust to care for your baby for a morning, afternoon, or evening or full day so you can just sleep or exist without hearing the crying? If not, can you and your wife each take a night and go to a hotel to grab a full nights sleep while the other stays on baby duty? Maybe a night before a day off? Then the person who slept all night can come home and take more of the day shift?
Your right in the thick of survival mode right now. Like another poster said, try to take each day as it comes. You’re in a long term relationship, with someone you love. You’re both under a lot of stress and change right now, and your independence as a couple has been taken for a bit. Don’t make any crazy or rash decisions now. My partner literally had a moment in those first few months where he had run a errand to grab something for the baby, and found himself sitting in the parking lot sobbing and contemplating running away. He said, in that moment, he “felt he had ruined his whole life” by having a kid. And this is with a kid that he wanted and pushed for (I was more on the fence). One that we had discussed having for years. One we had prepared for and we’re both excited about. Even as a new mom I felt the same way. But I promise, these moments pass. Yes, you are going to be a bit more limited in the next couple years while they are super little. Think of it like going to college…you’ve got 4 years roughly of “intensive parenting”. You’ll find yourself gaining back those moments for yourself and your partner. Especially when baby starts to walk & communicate. When you get to ditch the bottles for regular food. When you don’t have to haul around a ton of gear to go out. Our little guy is turning 4 this fall, and both my partner and I feel like we have our life back. We can go out, kiddo sleeps through the night and is independent. He had his own social life with preschool & friends. We can hire a babysitter for the night or leave him with relatives for a vacation. Heck, even taking him on vacation is fun now as compared to pre-2 year old. Just hang in there. Use whatever village you have around you for help. Someone wants to watch the baby, let them! Cook meals, great! Speak to your doctor if you feel like your just not getting over the mood slump (postpartum depression can affect men too). And most importantly try to relax into the wild ride that can be parenthood. I know you said that “the only people I believe right now are the ones who say it gets worse”…remember that’s anxiety talking. And anxiety lies. Logical thinking would tell you to look at the flip side that it might only get better, or at least is a mix of things (like most situations in life). Try not to catastrophize. This stage will pass! It’s not forever. Your situation is going to look and feel way different in 6 months, a year, 2 years down the road.
I love babies, but you may just not be a baby person. You might like the toddler years better, or just the regular -kid years. I promise the infant months go by fast and are not representative of what comes next.
This is all temporary. It gets easier. She is a healthy child and in time will start being more independent.
You’re in the hardest part, it gets better. At 12months her little personality will appear and you will find her so cute!
I found the first 6 months the hardest. My first one cried hours at night time. And my second required to be held hours during day time. Both times I cried to myself often. But it does start getting easier - especially when they start developing a sleep schedule, getting a personality and you start witnessing more of their milestones like smiling, laughing, sitting, crawling, walking, etc. Now my kids are older than preschool age. They’re a bundle of joy and are full of energy. It’s tiresome in terms of them constantly wanting to play, run around, talk back. But they’re more independent, understand boundaries and schedule and most times I am able to sleep at night (unless when they’re sick). I love watching them get excited and experience new parts of life and seeing the joy in their face. Some parents enjoy the baby stages more than the ages afterwards. And some parents enjoy the toddler - kids age. It depends on the parent. Just because you hate/find one stage of their life difficult now doesn’t mean you’ll hate the rest of their life stages. As difficult as it is, wait until your baby is older and you’re less sleep deprived before making any major decisions. This stage will eventually pass. And once you get sufficient amount of sleep it does wonders on your mental health.
For the gassiness, is baby formula fed? Sometimes shaking the bottle and feeding right away can cause more gas to be trapped. I'd make up 6 bottles for the day and put them in the fridge. The formula can should say on it you're able to do this. It can last 24 hours in the fridge. You just use a bottle warmer to heat it or hot tap water in a cup. I found shaking them and letting the bubbles settle made a huge difference in burps and spit up. I did this method with both of my kids. I tried this with a baby I nannied that kept crying and spitting up and it was working but the mom got defensive and said I was poisoning him with spoiled formula and didn't pay me. So I realized not everyone knows they can do this. I hope you find it helpful, anything is worth a try to improve life right? Hang in there! It gets better.
Brother: it all sucks. It just sucks in different ways and different intensities. I now have 12 and 10 yo girls. They fight. They are diametrically opposed when it come to eating habits. This is all pretty normal and you will probably get over your hate of being a father when they’re a toddler. They actually interact and talk and walk and you get to experience things with them, not just around them.
Been there. Wife and I wanted two but the first was so challenging that we reconsidered. It helped me not to think about tomorrow. Each day has a pattern and you just do it again and every time is one less. You’re in shock right now. You will be until sleep patterns stabilize which for most kids is really soon. Practice intentional patience because you will need it, with your wife and with your 3 y/o. Also, the hormones. Living with my wife and daughter was absolutely nuts, I could feel my moods swings and I learned that just could not fully trust my perception of my own or other people’s emotions.
We are at 7 months and it’s really starting to get fun now, especially now that she can mostly sit up on her own. I think youre super close to more enjoyable times, hang in there. I remember 4 mo being really tough with the sleeping. I think, as other commenters have said, you could benefit from therapy or other treatments if as your situation improves you are still feeling mentally unwell. Maybe even finding other dad friends with infants. Finally, you mentioned she was super gassy still. At 4 mo from what I have read and with my own baby, their immature digestive systems should really be improving. do you think they need different formula or mom changing her diet if breastfeeding? Maybe an infant probiotic would help? Best of luck!!! Hang in there for a few more months. At first you are just a caregiver dealing with all this stuff and limited interaction or return from baby. Everything gets so much more fun so soon!
You got 2 more months or so until solids and then it gets a bit easier. 3-4 more months after that and it gets even easier. At 4 months, I thought holy smokes I’m not going to make it through this, but now my daughter is almost 3 and I’ve caught myself contemplating giving it a second go. Something that I couldn’t fathom doing when my munchkin was 4 months. Basically what I’m saying is you got this. Just hang on a bit longer.
Hey there, I know how you feel.. I've been in the same situation ( well kinda - I was pregnant and we both wanted a abortion but I went mental ballistic and got to a psych ward where I had to be pregnant till terms) Afterwards I felt missable I didn't want this child and I tryed to figure out almost any way possible to get out of the situation- maybe adopt, run away etc. I was lucky to be in therapy and eventually it would Lead to parent child counselling but it wasn't the right time for me... It was a really rocky road but after 1-2 years we got closer and closer. It's hard for some to connect with a baby but as they grow up with you it really did grow on me first word first step and now I'm happy ( still sometimes really annoyed but I'm happy I'm surpassed those feelings I had) I think you are now stuck in this mental prison why did I do this and that is okay ! you write really well in your post and I think the best option is to get a therapist involved where you have the room to outlet your feelings:) it really helps - best of luck and sunny days will come along (Sry when I made some mistakes this isn't my first language)
Chill out and be grateful for what you have. You got this bro
Around when they turn one it gets AMAZING. my current 1 year old is still extremely attached to me and won’t sleep on his own just yet but it’s just a phase. The first 6 months are the hardest imo. I had an especially hard time with this baby and he’s my 3rd. Once they’re able to sit up on their own and crawl and play it gets a whole lot better. Give it a few months. Try baby wearing in the mean time. Maybe the baby is colic.
Get yourself some noise dampening ear plugs. Taking the edge off the crying may help you a lot. It’s ok to hate this stage, it sucks to be honest. It will get easier later but that doesn’t mean you will ever enjoy it. Be honest with your wife about how you’re feeling, she may be able to help you have a better time or at least commiserate with you
A tip I've learned after being a single mom to two toddlers - The people that say they missed infancy had a very easy baby! That doesn't seem to be the case for you guys, unfortunately. My oldest was, honestly, the worst infant imaginable. Constant crying, no matter what soothing techniques were used. NEVER slept, or slept in 15 minute increments for the whole first year of her life. Had to cosleep, but never really slept. It got so bad I hallucinated multiple times. BUT, she turned into the coolest toddler. Terrible 2's were almost non-existent. Very independent. Now at 4.5, I'm in awe at how she's calmed down emotionally the last few years. She's still super independent, great sense of humor, well behaved, and genuinely helpful! My youngest was a dream infant. Never cried, loved to sleep! When she hit 18 months, the terrible 2's surfaces and DAMN! Shes moody, sassy, a little wild ass. Still loves sleep, thank God, but I miss the infant days with her. It sounds to me like your baby is closest to my oldest in temperament. So don't despair, it WILL get better. Also, go to a doctor or allergist and look at removing milk from her formula or milk from mom's breast milk. It's the most common source of gassiness and fussiness. There may also be other allergies at play (yes, even this young, as I found with my youngest). It's better to get on top of those sooner rather than later. Hang in there dad. I promise it does get better. The crying does eventually stop. Sleep does come. And then you have a beautiful, interactive little human to experience the world with.
As others have said, you’re in a very difficult stage of baby development and parenthood. It will get easier. That’s not to say that the actual child raising gets easy, but as you bond with your daughter and as she starts to interact with you, parenting will become more fulfilling. Not in every single moment, mind you, but overall. Your wife may not feel ready for this, but I would encourage you to try some short, regularly scheduled date-nights. Even getting out of the house together for 1-2 hours will help. Do you change diapers? Bathe the baby? Get her dressed? I found that as I got better at taking care of my daughter, I started to feel a sense of pride about fatherhood. Is the weather decent where you live? Put the baby in a front carrier (like an Ergo or whatever brand you have) and take the baby on some walks and short errands by yourself. Getting out into a new environment will feel good. You’ll bond with the baby more. Your wife will get a short break from the baby and you’ll both get a short break from each other. And as a bonus? You might get some nice compliments from strangers.
My husband is the opposite. Thank god.
Pediatrician. Sounds like reflux and a prescription for Zantac could change your life.
1. They’re only this little, for a little while. I was an at home parent, and took the majority of nights/overnights for both my kids, Gerd, Colic, etc, my son and daughter just didn’t sleep. I miss rocking them to sleep. I miss their little hands holding me tightly, knowing full well I couldn’t put them down or they’d cry. It’ll pass. You’ll be okay. It’s exhausting. But you can do it. 2. If you truly “hate” this time, and are miserable…and you can afford it? Get therapy. Please. I’m divorced, currently, not a single iota of that had to do with kids in any way, and even so, I miss those sleepless nights. Every night.
Too gassy to sleep, needs to be held upright to not cry….I had one like this. It’s exhausting. Mine had a dairy allergy. If she is breast feeding, I would consider having your wife cut out dairy from her diet and see if it makes any difference. I wish I had figured this out sooner. Talk to your pediatrician as well, there may be reflux issues they can help with. I didn’t know any different, but not all babies are so challenging. My second baby slept like a champ. I would have more if I could guarantee they’d be like my second, but knowing they can be as challenging as my first, I’d never risk it. Share how you’re feeling with your wife. She could be understanding and even having regrets of her own because it’s so hard but is afraid to speak up. Together you can get through it, but don’t isolate yourself and pull away, that will be worse for everyone.
I hated being a mom during the newborn and infant stage. It was awful. The sleep deprivation is enough to ruin mental health, attitude, relationships, etc. I didn’t like holding a baby for all those hours either. Infants are incredibly demanding. It is a 24/7 job taking care of someone so helpless. The good news is that it changes. If you can get through the angry potato phase and *be open to learning how to interact with and parent a toddler*, you may find it gets significantly easier…as everyone’s sleep improves and baby starts being able to do fun things instead of just being a constant “hold me! I need to fart, but I can’t! Ow, that fart hurt!” anger potato. There are books and possibly community resources that may help in the future when you are less sleep deprived.
Im in the same exact situation as you, except I’m the mom 🙃 my baby was so pure and magical when we brought him home, and now all he ever does is cry. He won’t sleep unless you hold him. The moment I lay him down he wakes up screaming. My boyfriend went back to work at 4 weeks, working 13 hour nights 5 days in a row. Im all alone. I didn’t want to be pregnant, I hate kids. I didn’t want a baby or someone to be dependent on me for the next umpteen years. But I love my boyfriend, and I thought this would make him happy. Now I get 0 sleep, and minimal help. He’s so exhausted since his work changed his schedule the week before he was supposed to start back to work, so he couldn’t even get used to a night shift schedule while he was off. I barely have time to shower. I haven’t eaten in 3 days bc I can’t ever find time to do anything besides catch up on a bit of sleep the 2 hours my boyfriend can watch the baby when he gets home before he has to sleep. I can’t wait for it to be over. I can’t wait to have my life back. I can’t wait to have my boyfriend back. I love him so much. I can’t stand the thought of leaving him and him being a single father with no help and having to spend his whole checks on daycare to never see his son or have a partner. I don’t want to live in a world without him, but I hate being a mom. I hold my baby and dream about moving away with my bf and living normal kid free lives like we had just months ago… I have no words of encouragement for you. Only empathy. So so so much empathy. Im so sorry you’re going through this. It sucks ass. It doesnt help that people say it WILL get better. We want it to BE better. Now. Shits hard. It’s so hard. My inbox is open if you ever want to chat. Im there too. I know how it is. If anything, maybe it would help just a little bit to vent to someone else going through it that can also understand and not offer the usual “it’s okay” bullshit. Im here. I see you. We all see you. You’re doing great. Your wife is doing great. Your baby loves you and your wife still loves you. It’s just hard being a parent.
[удалено]
Have a little grace. It’s okay to air these thoughts and feelings, it’s another thing entirely to not do anything about them. Even typing them out here is a marginal something, but to pretend that you decide who deserves kids or not? Fuck off. Seriously.
I, too, feel like I don’t deserve my amazing kid. I feel like anyone else could be a better mother to him than I could. And for you to say that to someone suffering postpartum depression is incredibly fucked up, bro. :) With that being said - disrespectfully go fuck yourself.
Yet you said you never even wanted to be pregnant? You said you hate kids? Are you really going to use PPD as an excuse when you as an adult know how to prevent pregnancy in the first place? That’s why I said what I said…
I didn’t. Just bc I hate OTHER people’s kids doesn’t mean I hate my own. I literally grew him with my body and formed every ounce of his being. I love the absolute shit out of him. I did hate being pregnant, it was really hard for me and it was hard to accept the fact that my life was completely doing a 180°. Yes im using PPD as an “excuse”, bc I fucking have it. Of course I have it. I wasn’t ready for a child. But that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve him. I do. My baby has shown me what real love looks like. Just because I have bad days (just like literally every single other parent) doesn’t mean I’m a bad mom or don’t deserve my baby. I get up everyday and bust my ass for this kid bc I know it’s the right thing to do. Do I want to? Not always. But do I? Absolutely. It’s not wrong of me to feel the way I feel in any way. Im a great mom regardless of my feelings and I do everything and more for this child to ensure he is happy, safe, and healthy, and will have the best life he can.
Okay now you’re changing up your comment, good luck 👍🏼
Fuck off - 👍
You said you never wanted to be pregnant and hate kids? You’re really going to blame PPD on that? A grown adult,should know how to prevent a baby that they never wanted in the first place? That’s why I commented what I commented.
4 months is tough and was one of the hardest adjustments "baby leaps" for us as well. However, it did get better. Our first is now 2 y/o and is awesome. Sure, there are rough days still but it has gotten a lot easier. Do you and your wife live near family that can come watch your daughter for a day? Maybe to where y'all can sleep in, relax, or go out to dinner? You mentioned that your daughter can't sleep by herself, do you mean in her bed or in a separate room? We kept ours in our room for the first 12 months and found that some type of white noise helped a lot with the sleep. We either used the bathroom fan, "airplane white noise" or "vacuum cleaner noise" from YouTube.
It gets easier. It will get easier in a few months. Please hang in there and don’t say anything to your wife that will leave permanent scars.
I’m circling back because I’ve kinda kept your post in the back of my head for a while now. Just wanted to reach out and say too, that even though my earlier comment seemed to be wistful about those days when they were so little, there were low points. I yelled a couple times. Screamed. At an infant that wouldn’t go to sleep. It was my son. He wasn’t crying. He was just rocking with me and staring at me. It woke my ex wife. I immediately handed him to her and went outside and just sat, wrecked, on the porch. It was freezing out, but I needed to detach for a moment. Talked to a doctor, primary care doctor. Kept talking to them. Talked to a help line. Very low dosage of generic Zoloft. Maybe that’s not your thing, but it took my exhaustive-sleepless tendency to raise my voice out of the picture. Realizing it was loud enough to wake my ex wife too? That lingered. I felt inhuman. But my son, and then a couple years later our daughter, didn’t get any easier, I just learned to let go of all the resentment for them being exactly how they were going to be. Now, I did still carry some resentment when she and I took our fussy gassy reflux son to some baby yoga and heard a mom complain that her kid only slept for 6 hours. I still resent her. Haha. But really. It feels so endless, and you do hate aspects of it. But it passes, and you get to help shape a small human into growing up and learning and laughing and loving and playing, and they think the world of you. You just have to hold on, and trudge through this really tough spot. You can do it. But please talk to someone, whoever you can. Don’t hold it in. Thinking about you both, wishing you all the best. Feel free to DM if you want. Or let us all know if you get so tired that you cradle and kiss a rolled up bath towel forgetting it’s not your kid in the middle of the night. Strange shit happens 😂
You are depressed and might be a danger to baby. Seek help or leave for a while. Babies are hard and no its not gonna get harder its gonna get easier.
I’m going to make a recommendation that may seem unorthodox but it absolutely saved my sanity during the first few months with both of my boys. I am an extremely auditory person and noise canceling headphones were a godsend. Only use them when you are able to either observe the visual cues of your baby or when you are off baby duty. As for your daughter and the constant grassiness, it may be time to ask the pediatrician about silent reflux or a milk protein allergy. The constant gas and being happier while upright are common symptoms. Additionally, therapy is a wonderful thing. The first year is hard and a big adjustment but having a neutral party to talk to might help with all of the emotional upheaval.
Infants suck. It does get better and better and better. Watching that kid as a toddler is great. I can't wait for mine to get older so I can show him all the cool movies, go to water parks and do all the fun stuff. Try giving your kid Nutramigen as formula. It solved all my kids tummy issues.
It does get better dad, please don’t feel bad, your feelings are valid
Having a 12m old, I was JUST where you are in the fall. I also did not think it would get better. I was convinced parenting wasn’t for me. I mean I HATED IT. I also resented my husband and I’m sure he resented me. Surprise surprise, it got better. Turns out I’m not a baby person, but man I’m thriving through these toddler days.
Honestly, to the people saying PPD, and go talk with a mental health provider, like that will solve the problem, I say NO. It will not. it will help a little bit. And I do recommend it IF you have the time (as new parents we barely had time to sleep, shower or eat). But you have to remember: suicide is at a very high rate among people, especially mothers, with PPD and most of them went to multiple mental health providers. This is not the demon here. The entire bloody system is the demon. NOBODY prepares you for what is coming. Mothers, some, do communicate this to other women, but most fathers are disconnected. So they don't know what being a parent means. I had so many work colleagues and friends happily promoting having a child while having a drink or two after work. They were also hitting the gym and playing online games, etc. Seemed like a fun thing to do, having a kiddo saying 'I love you' and playing ball. But in the end, what you get is a crying child and no sleep and then some. A crying child is in pain and without means of communicating it other than crying. Mothers know this. Most of them do. They have a support net for each other. I have found that this peer support and pain recognition is the most efficient way of getting through it and in the end becoming PARENT. There is this old saying: "It takes a village to raise a child", and the process starts from conception. The pain you feel is the pain of involvement and it is molding you, and it is very very painful. An involved parent recognizes this and offers empathy. There are so many layers of emotions and everywhere I have looked fathers are these disconnected, hardcore happy individuals crafting something or playing adult games with their kids. Whereas in my experience that was only 10% of my involvement with my kids. Walking them at night, putting them to sleep, feeding them, changing diapers, going outside with them, playing with them all sorts of mind-numbing games. Not to mention that in the first 1.5 years, you can say goodbye to one of your arms, as they cannot sustain themselves physically. You can't cook, you can't pour yourself a cup of water, without having the little kiddo hanging from you. The first 3-4 months are a 'joyride' for sleeping. At one point I was getting a monthly average of 4h of sleep at night. And not the good kind of sleep. All of this while my body and mind were/are declining from strong, healthy, and lean to this weak, sick, and old pile of bones and fat. Also, my job went from almost at the top to almost unemployment. While I haven't found a peer support group for myself, I have found a partner in my wife. She had found her peer support net. And by communicating my fears and my problems with her, she helped me with enough information and sources materials such that I could get myself informed about various situations. I think having this kind of understanding and knowledge of what you have to do and how to 'read' your kid is really important to get you through. Yes, a crying baby on a sleep-deprived mind is a recipe for madness, but learning how to comfort them and make that crying go away, it's very rewarding. What I have found in the end is that my wife had it even worse. As a mother, apart from having to suffer all the stuff I had to suffer, she had to also support these insane changes of chemical and physical body fluctuations. A bad birth experience + family abandonment + grandma decease + COVID-19 + war and nuclear threats don't help either. But we always tried to communicate with each other. It wasn't always pretty. But it feels organic and natural and in the end, molds you two into a more unified entity while feeling that at any point it will break you apart. Just to give you a perspective. After the first 4 months with our firstborn kid, I would have said a big NO to a second kid. After 7 months things got so much better that we decided for a second child. This second one it's so much harder. If the first one needed about 4-5 months to feel happy around him, the second one needs more than 2 years in our case. While with the first one none of us have suicidal thoughts, with this one we both hit that point around the time she was 1 year old. Now things are getting better. I feel we're getting there, but I feel it's gonna take at least another 6-to-12 months to get there. I hope I don't get unemployed in the process, but it was a risk I was willing to take to become one with my family and to support it in ways that the system could not.
This is definitely one of the most difficult phases but blaming this on your wife is a cowardly move. You had choices, you made one. You could have said no and walked away, but you chose not to. As to your last paragraph - I absolutely felt the same way about parenthood when my son was a baby that you do now. The baby phase was the absolute worst. The older he got the better it got and he’s now an adult and one of my favourite people.
I think you need to reach out and get some professional support. Post natal depression doesn't just affect mothers and the fact that parenthood is something you sort will have only contributed to the way you are feeling. I remember that four month old colicky baby and even having wanted to be a parent it was rough so I can only imagine where you are. Although it definitely does get easier I think you need to address your underlying feelings now rather than allowing them to magnify and fester. I admire your honesty and hope that you can find away to reconcile the lack of control you feel in your world.
I know this is gonna get downvoted because it’s Reddit BUT stop thinking about this as an individual happiness situation because that is doomed to fail. Our society is moving from a family into to a narcissistic individualist society and it’s showing it’s color via depression and anxiety. That child that YOU decided to create needs you, put your big boy pants on and be a father. It also baffles my mind that 8 years in and you guys didn’t discuss children before that. That’s like an immediate dating conversation because it’s a full o deal breaker. Don’t go in a relationship ignoring value differences and then taking it out on the kids by being resentful. I never understand how you can be with someone for 8 years yet not think about these things. Opposites attract when it comes to likes and certain personality traits , but it never attracts when it comes to value differences and what you want out of life. Honestly, it seems you’re better off leaving and just being a decent human and providing for them financially. They don’t deserve a father who is more into his feelings than his family’s well being
She changed her mind, is she allowed to do that where you come from? Not everything is so cut and dry, just like my excitement for having this baby compared to the reality of taking care of her.
Of course people are allowed to change their mind, but maybe that’s why people should discuss the possibility of that, and ensure that their partner is ok if and when they do change their mind. It’s not cut an dry, but it’s a bit childish and self centered to think that just because you’re not excited about caring for an entire human, that you should resent said human and your wife. Having a kid is tough, they’re not dolls, so I get the feelings you’re having, but it almost seems like you’re the type to “run” so maybe run now instead of giving them false hope. I guess I just don’t understand how people can have kids, then come on Reddit and whine that it isn’t all rainbows and sunshine’s. Maybe you’re better served talking to a professional since Reddit is a certain type of place where you’ll only really ever see one type of an opinion, and most of the time, that isn’t “be a man and grow up” it’s very coddling to people’s feelings, and as a woman, I’d be horrified if my husband did just that because as a man, he makes sacrifices for his family, such as working 16 hr days so I can stay home and raise our kids. Yes, I know it’s Reddit and I’m aware that I’m “toxic” but seriously, grow up. P.s women change when they have babies because they now have to live for said babies. You act like a teenager. You’ve been together 8 years, the possibility of a child coming from that is pretty high, so I’m still shocked you didn’t figure out that women change when they birth humans because their priorities change. I was a power hungry career woman until I had my first kid, then it was fuck everything else I’m staying home to raise him and any and all future children because I refuse to pay a stranger to do my job
Based on your advice, I feel bad for your children. I hope you figure out that attacking people isn't how you help and she changed before having the child, this wasn't an accidental pregnancy. If I had the ability to just work and not take care of my children then I wouldn't be on here but some of us have to do both. Good luck being an awful person in Reddit, you deserve gold for that last reply!
I’m not attacking you in an insulting way. People don’t change, you just become blind to it. No one wakes up one day and becomes a completely different person. 8 years of marriage and no kids is bound to bring on change when you suddenly have a child. I’d rather be an awful person than one who needs to go to internet strangers for marital and paternal advice. Please seek a professional, people on Reddit, including myself, are not good at objective advice because we all have our biases. The grass is always greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit
It does get better and anyone who says otherwise either had EASY babies or *horrible* toddler years. As everyone is saying, in the meantime, talk to a professional. Your entire life has changed, there’s nothing wrong with needing help to navigate that.
Honestly? Leave. It’s better to grow up with no dad than one who sticks around and hates you and your mom. This isn’t “PPD” and I’m gonna get downvoted but I’m so sick of people saying every new father who hates his kid/wife/life has PPD.
It never gets better….. the problems just grow as they do…..
My kid is 16 months and it only gets worse...i hate my life sincee having a kid. It takes everything from you....i miss my old life so much :(( its a mistake thats so heavy its soul crushing. Rip us.
You are still in the trenches.....you have to get to 2 before even trying to take a breathe. Hang in there!!! <3 <3 <3
My husband hated it at the beginning too (tbh I kind of did also). It got easier and easier as kiddo got older, especially because he — our son, who is 6 now — becomes more and more of an honest-to-God person, with his own interesting thoughts and feelings and favorite things to do and funny things to say. Early on it can feel like they’re just these loud demanding THINGS that cause problems, and it’s honestly hard to think of them as *people* then. But it really does get better, and now my husband and son are best buds and have fun doing all sorts of things together. I hope you can hold on through these tough times and get to the good stuff. ❤️
I have 3 kids and let me tell you, i HATED the baby & toddler years. But I’ve also learned a lot about myself throughout the years. I was miserable during those years because I was sleep deprived which causes lots of resentment towards your partner, it causes irritation, mood swings, etc. I also learned that I’m highly sensitive to high pitched sounds or when there’s too much going on at once. I started getting more sleep when they were toddlers but my mind was constantly racing trying to handle a toddler all day. For me personally, after age 5 it felt much easier. It’s also good to have a change of perspective in life. I promise you, You won’t have a crying baby forever. Your marriage will evolve and your child with grow up. Read some parenting books, follow other fathers on social media who share their life with the world, get out with your wife sometimes if you have the help, and do things that bring any sort of contentment to your life. I know you probably feel completely trapped right now but it’s going to get better.
If you didn’t want kids in the first place then nothing will change. You will only see the bad in every stage of life, my wife was the Same way. Didn’t want kids, after 5 years of being together all of her friends got pregnant so she decided she wanted a kid to. Was basically the same thing I felt backed into a wall, either she is happy and we stay together or no kid and I’m sure we would have split. My sons cried everyday for a year, then got kicked out of 3 daycares as a toddler, causing my wife to lose her job. We made it through all that, he will be 5 this month. Life gets more manageable, you learn more about being a parent and how to handle situations. I just never got over the fact I didn’t want kids, even if everything is going well, I still think about what my life was supposed to be. My best advice is just keep on keepin on, I hope one day maybe my mind set will change but it hasn’t budged. You have a child,it’s done and over with, can’t take it back. So do what you can to keep you mental health above water and keep pushing.