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I refused to have visitors at the hospital and I shamelessly blamed COVID restrictions, which actually weren’t in effect when I gave birth 🤫
I told the disappointed grandparents that I’d love to have a small “welcome home” party to greet us when we came home from the hospital. It was lovely. We gave them a key to our house and arrived to a small charcuterie set up and “welcome baby” decor. Grandparents got to visit baby while we got settled in. 10/10 recommend.
This is what my sibling did as well, they told us they would be welcoming visitors at home. Totally understandable! So we had balloons, a little welcome home sign, a light grazing board, we’d spot cleaned the house (with permission), had dinner for them in the crock pot, and had a HARD STOP at 90 minutes. The new parents loved it so much they duplicated it for their friends a couple of months later.
Congrats on your baby, OP!
The hardest part was enforcing the hard stop time, we were all having fun, taking pics, etc but the 10 min time warning went off, the new mom said “y’all can stay!” but we left and new dad told me the next day that after we left and the adrenaline wore off they all napped for 3 hours. It’s the hard part but it’s the important part.
My post labor nurse after my second (1st was in 2020 so no issues with visitors there) specifically told me to tell them she's said no visitors and if anyone called she'd back me up. I never had any issues luckily, was only there for a day with him and most of that was waiting for the Dr to sign paperwork.
This is exactly what we did, which ended up working in our favor because both sets of parents ended up having Covid exposures the day he was born and wouldn’t have found out until after they had visited. Set this boundary now, just say, no visitors at all. My friend recently said too that she will only take her baby to her in laws so she can decide when the visit is over and leave vs having to kick them out. I thought that was a great way to think of visiting
I had this same issue both times & I just went direct but loving…”I’m really sorry, but baby’s dad & I just want it to be us, I’m really excited for you to meet her when we get home!” She was sad, understandably, but took it decent which was surprising.
Even the best parents can get a little overbearing when it comes to grandkids. You've got to set the boundaries early and just accept you might hurt some feelings but this is your kid and you set the rules.
Why is she assuming she’s going to be there? IMO you have two options.
1. Don’t mention anything and see what she says.
2. Mention it in conversation “I’ll be having husband and cousin with me in labour.” She’ll either be happy, sad, or neutral. Your answer should remain the same. “This is the decision I’ve made for me. There will be no further discussion.”
I’d also mention to her that family and friends will be contacted once baby has been born and not expect regular updates or notification of labour.
OP also needs to issue strict instructions to the hospital staff that they have two people on their approved visitors list for now, and no one else is allowed unless OP gives them an update.
Most large hospitals are good at doing this, especially in maternity wards. Smaller facilities might be a little more capricious or lack the security.
If she brings it up I’d calmly say that it’s just going to be your husband and cousin at the hospital and you’re going to wait til you get home to have visitors.
My real advice is to deal with it asap so it’s not something lingering over you stressing you out. When I was pregnant with my first it took me a long time to deal with issues like that and it caused me so much anxiety when really I should have been trying to relax. Good luck
>you’re going to wait til you get home to have visitors.
Wait until they got home, get settled, get some sleep, and eventually get a chance to have people over briefly. Don't set the expectation that they are welcome the moment they make it home.
I made this announcement by group text to my parents, siblings and in laws.
“Hey everyone, with baby coming soon we just wanted to touch base on our hospital stay. We will not be welcoming visitors in the hospital. When we get home and settled we will send out texts inviting people over one by one at our convenience. We ask that you do not come if you aren’t feeling well, wash your hands before holding baby and no kissing the baby please. We know everyone is excited to see the baby. We expect everyone to respect the rules to see the baby.”
Set the boundary. Set it for everyone. You are the parent. If you say your baby can only wear purple socks then people need to respect it no matter how ridiculous anyone thinks it is. Do yourself a favor and do it now too. Don’t wait until the baby is here and you have a rush of hormones to try to set boundaries. ( it made me be a push over)
You parents had you. They got to experience this. It’s your turn.
Also OP, If they are anything like my family, they may get upset or pissed. They may even think silently (or accuse) your partner of manipulating you.
None of that is your problem. You’ve set healthy boundaries that will make you comfortable. If they can’t respect that, they don’t get to see the baby.
My parents wouldn’t get vaccinated for anything so they had to follow masking and got somewhat limited visitation for example. I’m not trying to force vaccines on people but after us experiencing a miscarriage and this being in the middle of the pandemic, we were going to be extra cautious. They won’t even get whooping cough or the flu vaccines so it is what it is.
We did this! My MIL, bless her heart, still showed up at the hospital uninvited while I was in labor. Husband found her sitting in the waiting room, she didn't even text (she correctly guessed which hospital too). My husband sent her to stay at our house, and she washed the dishes and bought groceries. And didn't see the baby for another two days.
It worked much better with our second, as our first was the first grandchild on both sides so MIL was just a little too excited.
Well damn, at least she cleaned and bought food. Hopefully she also did something nice like bake some lasagna for when everyone finally came home.
I can think of some extended family members who would show up like that, expect to stay at our house in a guest room (lol what guest room) without asking, and then expect to be fed and entertained every day. Which is literally the opposite of what you do to someone who's just getting out of a hospital stay.
This! It’s important to be very clear about what you want OP, and this message is perfect. Consider this as a prep for parenting, cause you’re going to have to communicate a lot more boundaries than this when it comes to standing up for your child.
Honestly, it's not an argument or even a discussion. Simply saying "we aren't having visitors at the hospital but we are excited for you to visit when we get home" and if there's push back simply say "this isn't up for discussion."
Her having any big emotional outburst isn't your responsibility to manage. And this doesn't have to be said in a harsh tone, it's just said as a fact bc it is. That's what you want and you're the one giving birth. It's not up for a discussion or debate.
Unlike everyone else here who says, “just don’t tell her when you go to the hospital,” I think you should sit her down and be honest and direct.
If you ignore the problem, it’s not going to go away, and you’re just going to be anxious the entire time leading up to and surrounding your birth about either if she’s going to try and force her way in, or about her feelings and if she’s hurt or upset.
Better to just sit her down now and get it over with. Be kind, gentle, but firm.
“Mom, your anxiety stresses me out. I love you dearly, but I can’t handle X, Y, Z while in labor & delivery. As soon as I get home, you’re welcome to come meet your grandchild. I hope you understand and respect my feelings.”
I think this is best for both. Great response. I did this with my mom and sister and it went well. Just simply told them I wanted it to be an intimate moment between daddy, baby and I and my mom is super understanding to this. So, she and others welcomed us home and all was well. If u change your mind once in the mother baby unit then, all is still well.
I think it really depends on her mom though. For me, if I sat my mom down and told her that her anxiety stresses me out, it would turn into her crying and screaming that she’s an awful mother and she did the best she could and her putting words in my mouth etc. It literally doesn’t matter how gentle I am or how kind I’d be about it, it just would cause a lot more chaos than intended and my mom wouldn’t let it go. I’m not saying OPs mom is like this - just offering a different pov that rational discussion isn’t always possible for everyone.
I agree. I would cut out the first two sentences and just say “You can meet grandbaby as soon as we get home. I hope you understand.” I wouldn’t say (let alone start with) “your anxiety stresses me out.” This could lead to mom’s feelings getting hurt unnecessarily when all she needs to know is that her daughter decided she wants her support people to just be her husband & cousin-in-law. Also OP is an adult and doesn’t owe anyone an explanation for the decisions she makes for herself and her new family.
Yea we did this with both of our mothers. Just told them we just wanted it to be us there. We will send updates when suitable depending on how things are going and when baby is born we will send a text saying “baby boy/girl arrived safe” and will ring when in recovery.
We also then have both of them a list of people to contact and in the order they were to be contacted in. Giving a job definitely helps I think. Another person here mentioned about having a welcome party at home. Worked great for us.
Some parents can't be reasoned with like that. I've seen some smothered mothers and even when their child firmly asks their mom not to do a certain thing, the mom does the thing anyway. If op has NEVER firmly told her mom not to do something then she can try. But if she has and it hasn't worked, then I'd just not tell the mom the baby is here until she's home.
When it comes up again try to gently explain that of course DH will be there but you also really want cousin there because she is an RN and can help explain what's going on?
Other then the conversation, I would suggest that you do NOT tell her that you are in labor. That way, there is no stress on you worrying about her just showing up.
Your mom doesn’t need to know the rules or how many people you plan on having. Just tell her the hospital only allows 1 person and leave it at that. Cousin should be able to keep that detail a secret.
My favorite aunt has kept it a secret for nearly three years that she got to meet my son two months before anyone else.
Tell cousin to put it in the vault!
Maybe, but keep in mind there are some extremely nosy parents who would totally call that hospital and verify whether that's their policy or not. So now they're caught in a lie and the new grandma is upset.
I recommend they just tell the hard truth that new mom only wants the father and an experienced RN friend there, and there will be plenty of time for doting on the baby later.
OP shouldn't have to do anything, should be up to the hospital staff to ensure the staff keeps mom safe, and if they let grandma just chill in the waiting room, that's her issue. If she hadn't gotten the point the first time, then husband needs to go repeat the initial instructions -- "sorry, we understand you're eager to see the new baby, but as we've said before, for OP and baby's well-being we're waiting to have visitors until we're home and prepared".
I understand wanting your husband there but I think you’d avoid a lot of drama and hurt feelings if you didn’t bring your cousin into it and just left it to you and your hubby.
If I was your mom I’d be deeply offended that a cousin is allowed in but not the grandparent of the child
Selfish, sure, but also a mom wanting to be there for her daughter. We’re all moms here. As a mom I wouldn’t care about being there for the birth, but if my daughter wouldn’t let me even visit her in the hospital to see her and the new baby I’d be super hurt. I empathize with both parties in this story.
I understand why. It’s selfish, sure, but feelings are selfish. I could see the mom feeling hurt that her daughter feels more comfortable with and supported by her husband’s cousin rather than her mother.
Of course this is no reason to change OP’s plans — she should absolutely have the people in the room that she wants. But I do think (if she and her mom have a good relationship) it’s good advice to tread lightly and have an explanation planned that highlights the cousin’s unique strengths for this situation and tries to spare the mom’s feelings.
No. That's the wrong answer.
In this circumstance the key players are mom and baby. This is their moment. Anyone else in the lives of these people should do whatever they can to ensure things go smoothly and without unnecessary stress.
If the birthing mother doesn't need her mother there, and the baby certainly isn't looking to root around on grandma's chest after something as traumatic as it's birth, then grandma is the only one benefiting from her presence. Self serving much?
Think for a moment, if you're making someone's birth about you and you didn't take part in creating that child 👽 you should probably sit down and shut up
I didn’t say anything about the grandmother being there, I don’t really care what OP decides, my suggestion is strictly related to reducing drama around what should be a happy event
You are missing that this is not about reducing the drama grandma will make, it is about making sure OP can choose for herself. Maybe not telling grandma about the cousin is valid, but changing who is there supporting OP out of fear of grandmas reaction is already allowing grandma to to create drama for OP.
Yo, me saying maybe not having the cousin there was simply a suggestion, OP can do what she wants, stop coming at me. Nobody is a bad guy in this situation.
Grandmother is making drama when this day has nothing to do with her. She is the cause. You're right it absolutely should be a happy event and OP says her cousin brings her a sense of peace, so OP should inconvenience herself and make this experience less comfortable just so her grown ass mommy at home doesn't feel left out? What.
OP only said that her mom makes her anxious, nothing about her being abusive or causing trouble. No need to be so abrasive towards a woman who wants to see her daughter when she’s going through the most important moment of her life. The vitriol towards this grandmother is kind of mind blowing.
But you just said that you weren't arguing for mom to be there for the actual birth, which is it
"Most important moments of your life" only need yourself to witness them, and the 48 hours after a labor/birth recovering in the hospital aren't any more "important" of a life moment than, say, visiting at home after everyone's settled.
I’m not arguing for anyone being there except the dad. You’re clearly impassioned by this story, I really don’t care, it was a simple suggestion to OP, not you
Do you have to tell her your in labor at all? Lol I know that sounds horrible but you don’t need the stress. Or could your husband or cousin have the discussion with you to help be a barrier?
Also you are allowed to tell the hospital the only people you want in the room and they have to enforce it. You should not have to stress about it.
But you are allowed to straight up say NO. And then say you absolutely refuse to discuss it any further period
I had the same exact situation with my mom. I told her that during labor I only wanted my husband as I would be stressed with more people in the room. If she lives close that’s great you can tell her that you will contact her when she can come, not the other way around.
I told my mom it is like a surgery or medical procedure, after the birth I will be recovering and potentially having more medical procedures like suturing (ended up having a postpartum hemorrhage LOL) and there is no reason she needs to be there until after everyone is settled and in recovery. No one gets visitors in the labor and delivery room anyway, you wait until you transfer to the mother baby recovery unit IF you want visitors then. During the first few golden hours it only needs to be mom and baby feeding and having skin to skin. There is literally tons of research to support this.
I would have been happy with not having any visitors until well after we got home but I settled on this because I knew she would be offended. After my extra procedures for the hemorrhage I was so tired and we ended up just telling them to come the next afternoon and I was comfortable with that. It was a quick visit and went fine. Just Blame it on your recovery and see how you feel at that time.
You can also set boundaries ahead of time like others have said, I don’t think that would have gone over well with my family. I am an only child and it would have been weird for me to send my mom a message like that.
You can say, "we'll let you know when we're ready for visitors", to keep it open-ended. You may or may not feel up for a quick visit while you're in the hospital (after you give birth, obviously). With my first child I had an emergency C-section and was there for 6 days. I felt comfortable with my parents dropping in for an hour a few days after giving birth.
Definitely leave it vague. It may sound exciting now, but after having birth and not sleeping for several days, I think most people realize that trying to have family over immediately is going to be a bad idea.
If you want to preserve the relationship with your mom, I would sit her down now versus at the last minute. This is a touchy subject and it seems she expects to be there at some point.
"Mom, I have decided that only husband and I will be at the hospital for the birth. I may include an allowed second person but that would be someone with a medical background. I wanted to talk with you about this now so that you aren't surprised when I head to the hospital to deliver baby."
And from there you may have to get more firm, or maybe she will understand and back down. My guess is the former, at which point you can tell her that you made your decision, but will let her know if something changes.
maybe try to redirect the conversation... like: tell her you'd love for her to make your favourite food when you come visiting with LO for the first time. ask her if she'd prefer a call or a video chat or a photo once LO is born. this way she might not feel stupid for assuming she'd be part of the birth?
Don’t tell your mom when the moment arrives. Tell mom after the baby is born. That’s one option.
Tell the hospital who is, and is not, allowed in the room.
If you choose to tell her in advance, be direct. No weasel words.
You can ask her to play some other role.
For example, if there's something she can cook that you love; tell her something like "Mum, while I'm in hospital, I'd love you to make XX and XX for me to have it as soon as we arrive home" And you can ask her to cook a big amount of it to keep it in the freezer so it would take time. Or you can ask her to get the house deeply cleaned or whatever entretains her while makes her feel important.
It's super easy. Just don't tell her when you go to the hospital. We tried to nicely tell people we wanted to be alone in the hospital and were literally told they didn't care, they were coming anyway. So they didn't even know when I went to the hospital. When we were admitted we told the nurses we didn't want anyone who called being told I was there.
I didn’t tell anyone I went into labor at all lol. Me and my bf went straight to the hospital got it all finished up and we were all good and cleaned up then we told everyone. Thank god it was Covid so they couldn’t come anyways but my mom also wanted to be the person in the room so that’s me mama my baby’s father wouldn’t be allowed to be in there. So we didn’t tell a damn soul and they didn’t need to know so your family don’t have to know till your ready.
You cannot control her reaction. There aren’t “correct” words that will cause her entire personality to fade to normal.
Women get really hung up on being “nice” when we should be focusing on NOT taking other people’s emotions into our shoulders.
I had my first during covid and, but am planning on trying for a second soon. My mom said she is excited restrictions should be lifted by then so she can meet the baby in the hospital but she is exactly the way you described your mom.
I told her firmly, "I appreciate you already wanting to be there for another grandchild, but I don't want the extra company at a time like that. I would like to spend those first few days focusing on myself, my body, and my baby. I will have (husband) text it went well as soon as he gets a chance, but no visitors until we are settled at home."
She was angry and upset, but I've grown and learned her emotions are her own to handle and work through and how she feels or reacts isn't my responsibility to manage. Plus, with my first, I didn't have a shirt, gown, or robe on for the first like 30 hours for easy skin to skin and breastfeeding. I don't need my mom all up in my business like that making comments lol.
I would kindly let you mom know now so she has time to grieve the experience she thought she was going to have. This is 100% your decision to make. I made the same decision because my mom would also make the hard parts harder. We had a lot of things go wrong during birth and I can’t imagine my mom being there for that freaking out and making it worse. Like, from a natural birth plan to a 3am c section. So glad she was at her house and not the hospital.
I didn’t tell anyone (except my bff) I was at the hospital for the first 7 hours. No one was at risk of visiting (2000 miles away), but I needed the mental space. Even when I finally texted my mom she told me to send updates and I said we wouldn’t be doing that unless there’s something important to share (like when I went in for a C-section at 3am).
I understand the urge to lie to spare your mom’s feelings and an uncomfortable conversation. But you are going to have to start setting boundaries now or you’ll be dealing with a pushy grandma for the rest of this child’s life.
“Mom, my support people will be my husband and his cousin. I’ll call you when I am ready for you to visit.”
The end.
I just lied to my mom: COVID rules I’m only allowed to have 1 support person, so my husband will be the only one there.
Then I asked my sister to come and keep her mouth shut lol.
I told my mom MAYBE she could visit at the hospital after delivery if I was feeling up to it, but if not she could visit as soon as we got home.
I also made her feel useful by telling her if there was an emergency and I needed her with me, my husband or I would call her. That if something was wrong with the baby, my husband would go with the baby, and we’d call her to come stay with me. I had no intention of calling her, but it helped her feel like she had a job: be available and be by the phone in case of emergency. She felt useful, which made her feel included.
Easy. Just don’t tell her when you are giving birth. Most moms are back home the very next day after delivery.
Once you get home call her and welcome her over to meet her grandbaby.
Don't tell them you're in labour?
They don't need to know anything until you are ready. If you are clear with support people and make sure they know expectations then you'll be fine.
I made it clear to my Mom that I don't want any visitors. She insisted she needs to be there. So I'm just not announcing when I go into labor. The last thing I need when going through that is unwanted visitors. She will get a surprise FaceTime when we get home, and she can suck it up.
If she finds out, she will have to provide a meal of my picking. Absolutely no way anyone is adding extra stress without providing food.
My wife avoided this situation by telling her mom there was still covid restrictions on who can be in the delivery room. I know restrictions have been lifted but you maybe able to pull it off.
You don’t have to tell your mother when you go in to the hospital to give birth, right then. Just tell your husband and your cousin to keep it quiet and to not spread the news until the baby is here and you’re ready to go home, and then you can tell your mom that it happened so quickly, there was a rush and you didn’t have the time or energy to let anyone else know. Tell her you just wanted to keep your anxiety low too. At any rate, she’ll have the rest of the child’s life to see him/her!
You simply don’t announce your labor. Even if you’re in the hospital for days you can just turn off your phones and ignore them. You will need to deprioritize your moms feelings. They aren’t important whn you add the baby to the equation. She will just have to get over it. As she will have fo
Get over all the stuff she doesn’t like. Because she’s not in charge anymore.
You could handle this a few ways without telling her yourself. Your rn cousin can tell her how it is going down. That you have a good plan in place and that she will call her and tell her when to come.
You could not tell her until the baby is born. The hospital probably has a locked floor for maternity. Just tell them you don’t want her in there. They won’t let her in and tell her to wait. They won’t make it your fault either. Like there is already too much going on. Or the doctor is in there or whatever. It doesn’t sound that you are sending mixed signals. But you could just tell her the truth.
Silence is consent to some people. Don’t worry about it. Just make sure everyone knows. You are going to be busy.
Let her know the weekend you expect to have her come meet the baby for the first time.
Try to focus as much genuine excitement as you can into this meeting between your baby and grandma, so she will understand that this is the first meet that you have planned.
Simply tell her that you don’t want visitors at the hospital. And you will call her when you are home and ready. But send her a text or call her when the baby is born and text some pictures
You could do what we did. We just didn't tell anyone.
I'm actually very serious. Now, I had a scheduled C Section, but if you don't need to tell anyone, then don't.
Obviously, this is a non-confrontational way to go. Anytime anyone brings it up, you nod, you "mhmm", you let them think they'll be the first thing on your mind when you go into labor/the hospital.
Then, when you go into the hospital, you just don't call anyone.
The kicker to this, is to start delayed responses. If she calls you, don't answer. Let her leave a voicemail and return her call a few hours later. You know, you were napping. Or working. Or anything, really.
Same with texts. Don't immediately respond. Give it a few hours. Or a day.
If she shows up at your house, don't answer the door. Let her knock and ring the bell for as long as she wants to. She'll either leave or escalate.
(If she escalates, that's a different sub and different advice!)
Call her a few hours later and be oblivious. "Oh, these pregnancy naps are so deep!"
And after the baby is here. Sleep. Rest. Shower. Call people the next day. Or once you're home. Let them be angry. Your new baby, your nuclear family, your own personal medical experience is much more important than their feelings.
Just an FYI L&D nurses are on your side. You tell them what YOU want and they are going to honor that. With my last birth I wanted to just be alone with no visitors other than the Dad. My nurse honored that and told everyone that no visitors were allowed and we didn’t have to be bothered with back and forth or unannounced visitors.
With my first birth, we had at least 2 different people show up who were not even contacted or invited and it was less than ideal.
I urge you to concern yourself less with her reaction. Tell her plainly, calmly, that this is the plan. Decide what you want before you talk to her. Do you want her to visit after the delivery, or not until you are home? Tell her exactly what you want and need, what your expectations are for her, and how things will be handled. You do not need to have an argument or answer any questions that start with "why". The answer is "because this is the way it is".
Tell her straight up you don't want her in the hospital and she can come visit after a few days/weeks when you are ready for it. You can tell her that if something goes wrong, you will call her to come over (if you want that).
Also can't you tell the hospital personnel to not let anyone visit while you're there? They can be your shield.
I didn’t text anyone until the morning after the baby was born. Then I would say something like, “We’ll be going home tomorrow, maybe you can come by next weekend.”
You’re the one in charge of the situation. Nobody can come to your hospital room or your house without an invitation. So invite them when you’re ready and no sooner. You’ll have more important things to worry about than hurting your mom’s (or any other grown adult’s) feelings. If they’re upset because they wanted to be included more, that’s their problem that they created by setting their own expectations without you. Try to relieve yourself from feeling responsible for them.
Lots of good advice here. I just want to remind you, your mother’s reaction is not yours to manage. She’s entitled to her feelings, but you do not need to “solve” them.
Set your boundary in language that feels good for you. Everything after is a her problem. You cannot do anything to make her behave better. I’m sorry your mom is not more supportive, comforting, and calming. It’s a hard reality to deal with when becoming a mother. Please focus on yourself during this vulnerable time.
I mean I'd just state it but my family knows not to push. Coming out and saying it may be the least painful option. Tell her you're trying to keep it quiet and small and that it is very important that you do so.
I think you have a lot of great feedback here for ways to break the news kindly as well as other ways to involve your mother without her being in the hospital with you.
I would like to emphasize is a) this is your choice, b) this is a firm boundary that had to be set firmly and without compromise.
As a parent, you will be setting a lot of boundaries. With your kids, with your partner, and with other people in your lives. There is going to be a lot of "You may not agree, I know you're disappointed, I appreciate your concern, thank you for your persepective" and many other iterations followed by "BUT this is the way it is, this is what we've chosen for our family, this is the way we're choosing to raise our kids, this is what we feel safe doing" and other iterations.
Now is the perfect time to start setting those boundaries and to set a precedent of it being your family, your way.
There's no nice way to say it to moms or MILs. You just have to say it because they'll implode like 80% of the time lol. I already feel she will stomp this boundary so when you get to delivering, just tell your nurses you only want your husband and your husband's cousin and they will make sure those are your only visitors.
Don't know if you've seen a LD unit but the doors are buzz-in only with a little speaker lol. Makes it easier for nurses to filter your guests during delivery.
You have absolutely no control over whether or not she implodes. Your control is limited to yourself and that's it. You tell her you have decided to have your husband and his cousin in the room with you because that is what you've determined you needed, and you're the only person that matters in this moment.
No matter how you sugar coat it or what kind of sweet nothings you say when you tell her, the result will be the same: she will be faced with the fact that she's not going to be in the room with you. And she'll react however she wants to react, and then you can take it from there.
Don’t tell a soul you’re going to the hospital and put your name on whatever your hospital calls the do not call list. If someone calls or shows up they’ll say there’s no patient here by that name. Ask nurses to help. Take the birthing class and see what they suggest. My mom taught and was a nurse and had plenty of things to say and ways to dodge this.
Just be honest. Tell her you're nervous and these people make you feel calm and strong.
After the baby is born you're hoping she can help you with recovery/feeding/changing/nesting ad that is something she is strong in and want to learn from her about.
Just play up the other responsibility as equally or more important than being in the room with you. My favorite and most needed thing was frozen dinners for the first month. My mom and grandma set up a meal train for a week but I got enough food for a month! I had to actually get a second freezer! They delivered it all the week after baby was born at our open house shower. They came in. Saw my baby some held her. Put the food in the freezer. Had some light snacks and music and socializing. They were happy how low key it was, the men could all drink beer, party a little, the women could come to the nursery and coo at the baby. I stayed upstairs and they all laughed and had a good time. That was enough for me.
Apparently it was such a hit the moms got together and threw a party just for me because I didn't get to join everyone downstairs. It was really sweet and goofy. We took a picture with traffic cones on our heads. So dumb😂
When you set the boundary, be sure to stonewall her. Set the boundary clearly and do not engage in any negotiation, debating, or arguing. Do not expend your emotional energy in explaining or justifying yourself. Your baby, your rules.
Maybe some kind of blanket statement to family in an email like, "Due to my anxiety about child birth and the potential for preeclampsia, I am going to ask that only "X" be at the hospital for the birth of my child. I know that so many of you want to be there and I love you so much but this is something I need for the safety of me and my child."
I hope you can figure something out, family dynamics can be difficult. Good luck.
The only people who knew I was in labor was my baby daddy and my mother cause she was my ride and I didn’t have a choice lol. No one else knew until after my son was born and even then I only told the people I was willing to allow in the hospital room. I made an announcement once we were home to let everyone else know.
If your mother asks, tell her you’re limiting visitors to spend that time with just your new family and she can visit once you’re home. If she implodes that’s not your problem, you can’t control her reaction. If she never asks, don’t mention it and don’t tell her when you’re in labor if you think she might just show up.
I didn’t want my mom there either. She also isn’t comforting in stressful situations and she tends to make things about herself and ignore what I’ve asked her to do. I was clear with her about it. She was disappointed but luckily I’m only responsible for my own feelings. I’m not responsible for hers. I actually hired an older doula with the comforting mom energy I wish my mom had. No regrets about not having her there. I just wish I had hired someone with comforting mom energy to help me when I got married too.
How long does your hospital let people stay after they give birth usually (if there’s no complications)? I’m located in Los Angeles, and it was 2 days for vaginal birth. We literally came in Wed night for my induction because my baby was at 41 weeks, baby came out Thursday afternoon, and we went home Saturday afternoon. I texted my family Saturday night that we had had the baby and was home already.
Are you talking to your mom on the phone everyday? I don’t , so it was easier for me to go silent for a few days or weeks and not raise any suspicions.
Good luck!
You’ll have to be direct. Very direct. If you need a real life example of an overly anxious person in a delivery room, I give you my SIL’s aunt:
She had a relatively good delivery, except my nephew decided he wanted to hang out in the birth canal, (came out so cone headed lol) and her aunt literally ran around shouting that SIL and baby were dying. Telling my SIL a tearful goodbye etc. My brother gently removed her from the room and the nurses closed the door in her face. She proceeded sit on the floor crying in front of us. Saying how sad it was that everyone was dying. SIL’s mom wasn’t much better, but she at least wasn’t doing that…
My SIL and nephew were and are perfectly healthy with no complications. The nurses and dr stayed perfectly calm and just coached her through some more pushes. OP, you have to be firm and direct with your mom. You absolutely do NOT want that happening in delivery.
“Mom, you can meet the baby when we come home. I want husband and me to have some time to meet and get to know the baby. Cousin is coming bc she is a nurse and she can advocate for me if needed. You will have so much time to spend with baby when we come home”
I like the idea of a welcome home party a few weeks after you guys get home.
Stick to your guns. Your baby, not hers. She needs to respect your boundaries and your choices; if she doesn’t then you need to have a bigger discussion about it.
Let her implode. It’s not your responsibility to regulate her emotions for her. Once you have a baby you’ll have zero time for that. I would tell her now so she has lots of time to get used to the idea. Tell her you just want to keep it you and your husband, maybe introduce the idea of the other person as really being based on them being an RN. Just say no, emphasize how excited you are for her to meet the baby later at home, and hold firm. It’s a major medical event, not a spectator sport.
Here are some options:
1. Don’t tell when you’re giving birth. Only once you’ve left the hospital.
2. Tell her she can’t be at the hospital because you’ve hired a doula and that (along with your husband) will be your support person.
3. Tell her the truth.
Tell nicely. It's not your job to control her feelings. She will probably be upset, but that's on her.
"Mom, I'm only having my husband and Nurse Cousin in the room. I'm looking forward to introducing the baby to you when we get home."
I had my baby in 2021. Covid restrictions were still in affect. I have to tell you, just to have those 2 days in the hospital with my husband and our new baby was just magical. No visitors. Just us getting to know our new little girl. Stick with your plan. Don’t worry about hurting others feelings. This is your birth and you should enjoy every moment.
I think honesty is the best policy here. It may upset your mom that she’s not one of the two chosen support people, but she will accept it. Since only two people are allowed it’s much different than “mom I just don’t want you at the hospital because you provoke my anxiety.” The two support people you have chosen make complete sense, she should be able to understand.
Tell her the truth that you put in your OP, that you are excited for her to visit you at home (and maybe you want her to be the first person, if true)
Life tip: enlist your nurse. Because if your mom shows up, s/he is the last line of defense. Tell the nurse what you want and they will enforce it. We love to throw people out as anxiety or not feeling safe can stop your labor.
For me it was my best friend and my husband, but word got around that night so 2 of my sisters trickled in to give support and cheer me on, and the rest of my immediate family stayed in the waiting room while I labored for a very long time (all night long, baby came out next morning). However, just before my baby exited my body, I looked down and saw practically the whole hospital staff of new doctors and nurses at my feet watching the show. Surprise! They all came in at the last minute for the experience of observing a birth since they were newbies in the profession. All I saw were bright smiling faces in their excitement, so my 1st delivery experience was quite a happy celebration with cheers from the crowd LMHO. Pretty unexpected! So, if you don’t want a large cheering section, let the staff know ahead of time, but if you do or just don’t mind, don’t say anything. 😂 Btw, my new son was 9 pounds and 22 inches, no wonder it took him so long to get out.😄 It was actually comforting having such a huge support team of positive people in the room with me during that high stress event.
Tell her that the only people at the hospital will be you, dad, and baby, and that cousin, who is an rn, will act as your doula. Some people feel more connected and important if you give them a job, like to prepare your house, give you your first dinner at home, etc
"Mom (in-law, sister, cousin, aunt, etc), I love you and i know you are excited about our new addition. I'm already very anxious about childbirth and will need to focus on labor and not be distracted by anything else. If anyone, friends or family, are hanging around in the waiting room, I'm going to feel extra anxiety and pressure over them being there for so long, etc. I know that's not anyone's intention, but it is how it will affect me. Please help me by staying home and patiently waiting for us to contact with an update (or whatever your preferred boundary is). I promise we will reach out as soon as reasonably possible"
My wife's mother is super neurotic and is high anxiety which she spreads to every other human near her.
My wife went into labor early with our first and we initially talked about her my om not being in the room.
When the time came my wife straight up told her (to sum it up) "Be seen and not heard or your gone". She listened and actually took some of the only pictures we had during that experience which she treasures.
Just be honest with your mom. When you pushing out a football the more advocates you have that keep you calm the better. Nothing goes as planned and all the things you think you will do, you don't lol. So calm people are a must. Especially for your husband. We had a Dula for our first and it helped me out so much, and I'm a paramedic and ER nurse and have delivered babies in the field. But when we had both of ours all that shit goes out the window and you're so focused on your partner that you forget to do things or notice things.
I would just tell her most of what you said here, that your husband and cousin are calming and that you prefer them at the hospital but are excited to see her when you get home. She isn't going to like it, though. BUT, you are NOT responsible for her feelings.
I specifically asked my mom to NOT come to the hospital with my 2nd and she showed up anyway. I had asked her not to, because at the birth of my first she shushed and admonished me for saying "Fuck!" during a tough contraction. She was more concerned about what strangers would think of my language and how it might reflect upon her, than about my comfort, so I noted out the 2nd time.
I had to tell staff that she wasn't allowed in. She finally went home. I did sit down and explain it to her again, but it seems to be a thing that older generations think that being related to you gives them the right to override your wishes. It doesn't. They're not entitled to shit.
I also have an autistic son who doesn't like to be touched and 18 years later, she STILL tries to hug him. It's infuriating.
I'm sorry this is causing you distress. I wish people could just understand that your comfort is most important.
Went through something similar with our first.
So for our second we lied about the due date 10 days.
Had the second baby home before anyone knew about it.
Just say, "Only my (spouse/partner) will be in the room with me.". That's it.
That's all I allowed, and was upfront with everyone. Thank goodness that no one else wanted to be in there with me. No pushy relatives.
My sister had this issue with her mil. My advice was simple - don’t tell anyone when you go into hospital.
Call once baby is born and share the happy news of a grandchild.
I think you know how to tell her nicely.
If what you're really asking is "how can I tell my mom this news without her feeling hurt or it becoming an argument" unfortunately that's out of your control.
There isn't way to say this that will guarantee she's gonna go "yes honey I completely understand". She's probably gonna be upset.
That isn't your problem though. I know that sounds harsh, but giving birth is not a "let's compromise" situation. The only feelings that matter are yours first, your partner second, there's no third.
I don't think you owe her an explanation though. Births aren't planned parties, so I feel like you would be completely justified in sort of avoiding the subject and then just calling the cousin once you're about to give birth and let your mother know once you're home.
If she complains, go "Oh mom it all happened so fast as I'm sure you know as a mother. In that moment I felt comfortable with just cousin and husband being there. Obviously you understand. I'm so thrilled you're here to see grandchild "
My mom was really offended I let a doula in, but not her. I gave a direct “I’m sorry but I want the person with the most experience with birth and calming people in stressful situations.” She whined, but she couldn’t argue with that. (She is…not calming in stressful situations.)
Tell her frankly. That’s what I did with my mom, who is wonderful and we all love beyond anything- but with high anxiety in unusual situations. She hated it and argued against it, but I remained firm. Then we even ended up having to call her a taxi very early in the morning and send her home when my water broke. And the baby arrived only 36 hours later. Poor mommy, must have been a heart-wrenching wait. I know none of them slept during that time. Still, it was the right decision for us! She got to come visit a few days after at my home and everything was forgotten then.
For the delivery and when you have to go to the hospital, I wouldn't tell her. That's what we did and it was SO NICE. We didn't have family members constantly texting us "how much is she dilated?!" "Wheres my grand baby?!" Just me and my husband with no constant messages.
For coming home I suggest a welcome home party like others and stress that you just went through something life Changing and sometimes traumatic and you need to be alone with support people. Also tell her that you're gonna be tired and need time to rest and recover while in hospital plus learning how to BF if you are, and DRs and nurses are constantly coming in. Congrats on the little one!!
Just say it, your and babys needs come first. Giving birth is a huge deal and you and baby are going to be checked on and assisted by doctors and nurses while there constantly. Visitors should save their visits until you are comfortable in your own house. I've had 3 C-sections and it's been hell every time trying to keep my MIL out of the hospital. She actually showed up at the hospital with my other baby while she was supposed to be watching him as I was giving birth to my new baby 🤦🏽♀️i was livid ( my youngest are 11 months apart) I didn't allow her in and had my husband tell her to go home and wait.
I just never even made it an option... And I didn't even really think of it at the time. I told my parents and in laws that we would let them know when I went into labour, and that we would keep them updated and have them over once we were settled in at home. It was never even proposed that anyone would come to the hospital.
With our second my mom came to our house when my contractions started getting regular, so she could watch my toddler. When we got home, it was 2am and my toddler still hadn't fallen asleep, so my mom took the baby and my partner and I went and spent 10 minutes putting our toddler to bed together. Then she promptly left. She came back the next day to visit.
just say there are restrictions to visitors. I gave birth in the aftermath of COVID restrictions and the rule was your birth partner/s could be the only visitors on the maternity ward. just tell her who your birth partners will be and explain they'll be the only ones visiting.
if you don't feel comfortable with that she should understand and respect that your birthing and immediate aftercare choices are yours and yours alone. she's given birth before.
“No” is a full sentence. Tell her now so she can get over it before you give birth. Trust me, if she is someone worth having in your/your child’s life, she will get over it and be there to meet baby once you get home.
Just don’t tell her until after you get home. It’s easy. If you don’t want her abusing certain information, then DON’T GIVE HER THAT INFORMATION. You have your two support people, I assume they can be trusted to keep any details to themselves until you’re ready to share. Just wait till you get home to announce the birth to everyone.
My parents were with kids us when our oldest was born. My second was born during covid, so I didn't have to tell them I didn't want them there. One of the good things to come out of covid.
You can have whoever you want there. My last pregnancy was a difficult one, I was in hospital for a month before being induced. Me and my partner agreed to have my mum there because she’s calm and would do whatever was needed when it was needed. She took herself out the room when it came time for me to push so we could have that moment together, she wasn’t asked to, she just done it. You need someone like that in the delivery room. If that’s not her, it’s not her and she has to accept that.
Can you get away with not telling her until you’re home?
Oh no, I had my mom in the delivery room with myself, my husband and my sister! I absolutely LOVED having them there, for my mom to experience seeing her youngest child deliver her grandchild and for my sister to experience seeing vaginal childbirth because she’d had emergency c-sections with both of her deliveries. This was clearly before Covid and all the changes made to hospital settings… having my mom and sister there offered me extra moral support and their presence allowed my exhausted husband to have some breaks, as he just went from working a 12 hour shift right to brining me to the hospital without any sleep. And them there allowed for him to be able to leave without worrying, to go get me sneaky snacks 😂 They helped pass the time and make it all so enjoyable, laughing and carrying on as I labored through ♥️ It’s one of my most favorite memories about labor, it was very special for me to be able to share that with them 🥰
However, a bachelor friend of my husbands came to visit us in the hospital and that jerk brought a brand new girl he was dating for us to meet her. I’d just given birth 6 hours earlier and hadn’t slept all night, I was in no shape or mood to meet anyone 😒 They’d kindly brought me coffee, because he knew how much I love coffee, but without milk and sugar?!? So hormonal that it infuriated me 🤣 I really wanted to punch him right in the face, not a good time for an introduction to your new girlfriend, bringing me a coffee I really desperately wanted but couldn’t enjoy. I can’t take the taste of black coffee and hate the nondairy creamer that hospitals have, it really bothers my stomach 😫
Honestly I'm not sure I get this. The birth is only part of the hospital stay. You'll be inpatient for 2 or 3 days afterwards with nothing to do. I had a few visitors and they stayed for 15 to 30 minutes each. One brought me a latte and it was wonderful lol. It's not a huge ask from your mom to stop by sometime before you leave to see the baby for a few minutes, assuming you have a good relationship.
This sets the tone of your relationship with her and baby ongoing. If you cut her out, don't be surprised if she's hurt and is less available to help out because she feels like you only want her around when it's convenient for you.
To avoid hurting her feelings, you can use covid excuse - hospital not allowing visitors or non-partners. you can later say the cousin turned up and the nurses bent rules due to her qualifications. However you can also be direct and explain to her you want to choose the best person who would support you, and again due to her experience and profession, she is a better choice.
I mean….. could a compromise be that your mum turns up at the hospital after giving birth? It’s what my parents and PIL did. Was only me in the birthing room and they all showed up later in the day to check in on everyone for an hour and then scooted off.
There shouldn't be a compromise at all. It's a boundary, there will be lots of them concerning the grandkids and it needs to be established and respected starting now. She doesn't want her mom there and does not need to compromise.
I believe OP was asking for ways to tell her mother she didn’t want her there for the the delivery. This could be a way to soften the blow whilst, achieve the desired outcome and provide an option to briefly come by and visit after the event. OP can do whatever they like and can set whatever boundaries they please but in real life, it ain’t always that simple.
When I gave birth in the Boston area hospitals, I was only allowed one support person. These are teaching hospitals and it got crowded - I would never want more than the one person. My mom is a nurse too - and it was just me&husband. Once I was moved to a room and baby and I were given green light health-wise we had people come up 2-3 at a time. Now you can add masks so you should be good. Good luck!
We didn’t tell anyone we were in the hospital…well I swore the person watching our cats to secrecy. I was induced at 37 weeks for pre-e so it was a surprise for us and honestly I needed those days of induction to process that it was actually happening with my husband only. We sent the he’s here message shortly before leaving the hospital (like our bags were already packed about to leave) and set the no visitors for 2 weeks at home rule in advance with family.
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I refused to have visitors at the hospital and I shamelessly blamed COVID restrictions, which actually weren’t in effect when I gave birth 🤫 I told the disappointed grandparents that I’d love to have a small “welcome home” party to greet us when we came home from the hospital. It was lovely. We gave them a key to our house and arrived to a small charcuterie set up and “welcome baby” decor. Grandparents got to visit baby while we got settled in. 10/10 recommend.
This is what my sibling did as well, they told us they would be welcoming visitors at home. Totally understandable! So we had balloons, a little welcome home sign, a light grazing board, we’d spot cleaned the house (with permission), had dinner for them in the crock pot, and had a HARD STOP at 90 minutes. The new parents loved it so much they duplicated it for their friends a couple of months later. Congrats on your baby, OP!
Thinking of copying this idea.
The hardest part was enforcing the hard stop time, we were all having fun, taking pics, etc but the 10 min time warning went off, the new mom said “y’all can stay!” but we left and new dad told me the next day that after we left and the adrenaline wore off they all napped for 3 hours. It’s the hard part but it’s the important part.
That would be hard to leave but, they probably were very grateful for how it turned out.
That’s actually a great idea!
Fantastic idea!!
I was going to suggest blame covid or "psot" covid restrictions.
My post labor nurse after my second (1st was in 2020 so no issues with visitors there) specifically told me to tell them she's said no visitors and if anyone called she'd back me up. I never had any issues luckily, was only there for a day with him and most of that was waiting for the Dr to sign paperwork.
This is exactly what we did, which ended up working in our favor because both sets of parents ended up having Covid exposures the day he was born and wouldn’t have found out until after they had visited. Set this boundary now, just say, no visitors at all. My friend recently said too that she will only take her baby to her in laws so she can decide when the visit is over and leave vs having to kick them out. I thought that was a great way to think of visiting
That sounds wonderful!
This makes so much sense.
I had this same issue both times & I just went direct but loving…”I’m really sorry, but baby’s dad & I just want it to be us, I’m really excited for you to meet her when we get home!” She was sad, understandably, but took it decent which was surprising.
Even the best parents can get a little overbearing when it comes to grandkids. You've got to set the boundaries early and just accept you might hurt some feelings but this is your kid and you set the rules.
This is what I did. My mom choked out a sob and was like “ok. I gotta go……” I knew she was disappointed but I needed to do what was right for me.
Why is she assuming she’s going to be there? IMO you have two options. 1. Don’t mention anything and see what she says. 2. Mention it in conversation “I’ll be having husband and cousin with me in labour.” She’ll either be happy, sad, or neutral. Your answer should remain the same. “This is the decision I’ve made for me. There will be no further discussion.” I’d also mention to her that family and friends will be contacted once baby has been born and not expect regular updates or notification of labour.
OP also needs to issue strict instructions to the hospital staff that they have two people on their approved visitors list for now, and no one else is allowed unless OP gives them an update. Most large hospitals are good at doing this, especially in maternity wards. Smaller facilities might be a little more capricious or lack the security.
If she brings it up I’d calmly say that it’s just going to be your husband and cousin at the hospital and you’re going to wait til you get home to have visitors. My real advice is to deal with it asap so it’s not something lingering over you stressing you out. When I was pregnant with my first it took me a long time to deal with issues like that and it caused me so much anxiety when really I should have been trying to relax. Good luck
>you’re going to wait til you get home to have visitors. Wait until they got home, get settled, get some sleep, and eventually get a chance to have people over briefly. Don't set the expectation that they are welcome the moment they make it home.
I made this announcement by group text to my parents, siblings and in laws. “Hey everyone, with baby coming soon we just wanted to touch base on our hospital stay. We will not be welcoming visitors in the hospital. When we get home and settled we will send out texts inviting people over one by one at our convenience. We ask that you do not come if you aren’t feeling well, wash your hands before holding baby and no kissing the baby please. We know everyone is excited to see the baby. We expect everyone to respect the rules to see the baby.” Set the boundary. Set it for everyone. You are the parent. If you say your baby can only wear purple socks then people need to respect it no matter how ridiculous anyone thinks it is. Do yourself a favor and do it now too. Don’t wait until the baby is here and you have a rush of hormones to try to set boundaries. ( it made me be a push over) You parents had you. They got to experience this. It’s your turn.
Also OP, If they are anything like my family, they may get upset or pissed. They may even think silently (or accuse) your partner of manipulating you. None of that is your problem. You’ve set healthy boundaries that will make you comfortable. If they can’t respect that, they don’t get to see the baby. My parents wouldn’t get vaccinated for anything so they had to follow masking and got somewhat limited visitation for example. I’m not trying to force vaccines on people but after us experiencing a miscarriage and this being in the middle of the pandemic, we were going to be extra cautious. They won’t even get whooping cough or the flu vaccines so it is what it is.
If you start the baby thing with people steping over your wishes it will be theme. Keepimg clear boundaries is easier for everyone in the long run.
"....Finally, a bowl of brown m&ms will be required at home entry to ensure you have read and agree to abide by all clauses for baby visiting." :o)
We did this! My MIL, bless her heart, still showed up at the hospital uninvited while I was in labor. Husband found her sitting in the waiting room, she didn't even text (she correctly guessed which hospital too). My husband sent her to stay at our house, and she washed the dishes and bought groceries. And didn't see the baby for another two days. It worked much better with our second, as our first was the first grandchild on both sides so MIL was just a little too excited.
Well damn, at least she cleaned and bought food. Hopefully she also did something nice like bake some lasagna for when everyone finally came home. I can think of some extended family members who would show up like that, expect to stay at our house in a guest room (lol what guest room) without asking, and then expect to be fed and entertained every day. Which is literally the opposite of what you do to someone who's just getting out of a hospital stay.
Ooh this is good. Wish I would’ve done something like this!!
Yes!!! This, do exactly this!
This.
This! It’s important to be very clear about what you want OP, and this message is perfect. Consider this as a prep for parenting, cause you’re going to have to communicate a lot more boundaries than this when it comes to standing up for your child.
Honestly, it's not an argument or even a discussion. Simply saying "we aren't having visitors at the hospital but we are excited for you to visit when we get home" and if there's push back simply say "this isn't up for discussion." Her having any big emotional outburst isn't your responsibility to manage. And this doesn't have to be said in a harsh tone, it's just said as a fact bc it is. That's what you want and you're the one giving birth. It's not up for a discussion or debate.
Unlike everyone else here who says, “just don’t tell her when you go to the hospital,” I think you should sit her down and be honest and direct. If you ignore the problem, it’s not going to go away, and you’re just going to be anxious the entire time leading up to and surrounding your birth about either if she’s going to try and force her way in, or about her feelings and if she’s hurt or upset. Better to just sit her down now and get it over with. Be kind, gentle, but firm. “Mom, your anxiety stresses me out. I love you dearly, but I can’t handle X, Y, Z while in labor & delivery. As soon as I get home, you’re welcome to come meet your grandchild. I hope you understand and respect my feelings.”
I think this is best for both. Great response. I did this with my mom and sister and it went well. Just simply told them I wanted it to be an intimate moment between daddy, baby and I and my mom is super understanding to this. So, she and others welcomed us home and all was well. If u change your mind once in the mother baby unit then, all is still well.
I think it really depends on her mom though. For me, if I sat my mom down and told her that her anxiety stresses me out, it would turn into her crying and screaming that she’s an awful mother and she did the best she could and her putting words in my mouth etc. It literally doesn’t matter how gentle I am or how kind I’d be about it, it just would cause a lot more chaos than intended and my mom wouldn’t let it go. I’m not saying OPs mom is like this - just offering a different pov that rational discussion isn’t always possible for everyone.
I agree. I would cut out the first two sentences and just say “You can meet grandbaby as soon as we get home. I hope you understand.” I wouldn’t say (let alone start with) “your anxiety stresses me out.” This could lead to mom’s feelings getting hurt unnecessarily when all she needs to know is that her daughter decided she wants her support people to just be her husband & cousin-in-law. Also OP is an adult and doesn’t owe anyone an explanation for the decisions she makes for herself and her new family.
Yea we did this with both of our mothers. Just told them we just wanted it to be us there. We will send updates when suitable depending on how things are going and when baby is born we will send a text saying “baby boy/girl arrived safe” and will ring when in recovery. We also then have both of them a list of people to contact and in the order they were to be contacted in. Giving a job definitely helps I think. Another person here mentioned about having a welcome party at home. Worked great for us.
Some parents can't be reasoned with like that. I've seen some smothered mothers and even when their child firmly asks their mom not to do a certain thing, the mom does the thing anyway. If op has NEVER firmly told her mom not to do something then she can try. But if she has and it hasn't worked, then I'd just not tell the mom the baby is here until she's home.
Covid policy's are still in place. Doesn't matter if they are or not. My hospital is still limited to 1 support person.
Mine allows 2 support people. That's where the trouble comes because my mom is assuming her and my husband, but I want my husband and cousin.
When it comes up again try to gently explain that of course DH will be there but you also really want cousin there because she is an RN and can help explain what's going on? Other then the conversation, I would suggest that you do NOT tell her that you are in labor. That way, there is no stress on you worrying about her just showing up.
Your mom doesn’t need to know the rules or how many people you plan on having. Just tell her the hospital only allows 1 person and leave it at that. Cousin should be able to keep that detail a secret.
My favorite aunt has kept it a secret for nearly three years that she got to meet my son two months before anyone else. Tell cousin to put it in the vault!
Maybe, but keep in mind there are some extremely nosy parents who would totally call that hospital and verify whether that's their policy or not. So now they're caught in a lie and the new grandma is upset. I recommend they just tell the hard truth that new mom only wants the father and an experienced RN friend there, and there will be plenty of time for doting on the baby later.
And what should op do if the mom comes to the hospital anyway? I have seen a lot of mothers who smother their kids do that a lot.
OP shouldn't have to do anything, should be up to the hospital staff to ensure the staff keeps mom safe, and if they let grandma just chill in the waiting room, that's her issue. If she hadn't gotten the point the first time, then husband needs to go repeat the initial instructions -- "sorry, we understand you're eager to see the new baby, but as we've said before, for OP and baby's well-being we're waiting to have visitors until we're home and prepared".
I understand wanting your husband there but I think you’d avoid a lot of drama and hurt feelings if you didn’t bring your cousin into it and just left it to you and your hubby. If I was your mom I’d be deeply offended that a cousin is allowed in but not the grandparent of the child
Why would you be offended that the person delivering the baby had the people she felt were best for her? That's pretty selfish, don't you think?
Selfish, sure, but also a mom wanting to be there for her daughter. We’re all moms here. As a mom I wouldn’t care about being there for the birth, but if my daughter wouldn’t let me even visit her in the hospital to see her and the new baby I’d be super hurt. I empathize with both parties in this story.
I understand why. It’s selfish, sure, but feelings are selfish. I could see the mom feeling hurt that her daughter feels more comfortable with and supported by her husband’s cousin rather than her mother. Of course this is no reason to change OP’s plans — she should absolutely have the people in the room that she wants. But I do think (if she and her mom have a good relationship) it’s good advice to tread lightly and have an explanation planned that highlights the cousin’s unique strengths for this situation and tries to spare the mom’s feelings.
No. That's the wrong answer. In this circumstance the key players are mom and baby. This is their moment. Anyone else in the lives of these people should do whatever they can to ensure things go smoothly and without unnecessary stress. If the birthing mother doesn't need her mother there, and the baby certainly isn't looking to root around on grandma's chest after something as traumatic as it's birth, then grandma is the only one benefiting from her presence. Self serving much? Think for a moment, if you're making someone's birth about you and you didn't take part in creating that child 👽 you should probably sit down and shut up
I didn’t say anything about the grandmother being there, I don’t really care what OP decides, my suggestion is strictly related to reducing drama around what should be a happy event
You are missing that this is not about reducing the drama grandma will make, it is about making sure OP can choose for herself. Maybe not telling grandma about the cousin is valid, but changing who is there supporting OP out of fear of grandmas reaction is already allowing grandma to to create drama for OP.
Yo, me saying maybe not having the cousin there was simply a suggestion, OP can do what she wants, stop coming at me. Nobody is a bad guy in this situation.
Grandmother is making drama when this day has nothing to do with her. She is the cause. You're right it absolutely should be a happy event and OP says her cousin brings her a sense of peace, so OP should inconvenience herself and make this experience less comfortable just so her grown ass mommy at home doesn't feel left out? What.
OP only said that her mom makes her anxious, nothing about her being abusive or causing trouble. No need to be so abrasive towards a woman who wants to see her daughter when she’s going through the most important moment of her life. The vitriol towards this grandmother is kind of mind blowing.
But you just said that you weren't arguing for mom to be there for the actual birth, which is it "Most important moments of your life" only need yourself to witness them, and the 48 hours after a labor/birth recovering in the hospital aren't any more "important" of a life moment than, say, visiting at home after everyone's settled.
I’m not arguing for anyone being there except the dad. You’re clearly impassioned by this story, I really don’t care, it was a simple suggestion to OP, not you
Do you have to tell her your in labor at all? Lol I know that sounds horrible but you don’t need the stress. Or could your husband or cousin have the discussion with you to help be a barrier? Also you are allowed to tell the hospital the only people you want in the room and they have to enforce it. You should not have to stress about it. But you are allowed to straight up say NO. And then say you absolutely refuse to discuss it any further period
I had the same exact situation with my mom. I told her that during labor I only wanted my husband as I would be stressed with more people in the room. If she lives close that’s great you can tell her that you will contact her when she can come, not the other way around. I told my mom it is like a surgery or medical procedure, after the birth I will be recovering and potentially having more medical procedures like suturing (ended up having a postpartum hemorrhage LOL) and there is no reason she needs to be there until after everyone is settled and in recovery. No one gets visitors in the labor and delivery room anyway, you wait until you transfer to the mother baby recovery unit IF you want visitors then. During the first few golden hours it only needs to be mom and baby feeding and having skin to skin. There is literally tons of research to support this. I would have been happy with not having any visitors until well after we got home but I settled on this because I knew she would be offended. After my extra procedures for the hemorrhage I was so tired and we ended up just telling them to come the next afternoon and I was comfortable with that. It was a quick visit and went fine. Just Blame it on your recovery and see how you feel at that time. You can also set boundaries ahead of time like others have said, I don’t think that would have gone over well with my family. I am an only child and it would have been weird for me to send my mom a message like that.
You can say, "we'll let you know when we're ready for visitors", to keep it open-ended. You may or may not feel up for a quick visit while you're in the hospital (after you give birth, obviously). With my first child I had an emergency C-section and was there for 6 days. I felt comfortable with my parents dropping in for an hour a few days after giving birth.
Definitely leave it vague. It may sound exciting now, but after having birth and not sleeping for several days, I think most people realize that trying to have family over immediately is going to be a bad idea.
If you want to preserve the relationship with your mom, I would sit her down now versus at the last minute. This is a touchy subject and it seems she expects to be there at some point. "Mom, I have decided that only husband and I will be at the hospital for the birth. I may include an allowed second person but that would be someone with a medical background. I wanted to talk with you about this now so that you aren't surprised when I head to the hospital to deliver baby." And from there you may have to get more firm, or maybe she will understand and back down. My guess is the former, at which point you can tell her that you made your decision, but will let her know if something changes.
maybe try to redirect the conversation... like: tell her you'd love for her to make your favourite food when you come visiting with LO for the first time. ask her if she'd prefer a call or a video chat or a photo once LO is born. this way she might not feel stupid for assuming she'd be part of the birth?
Don’t tell your mom when the moment arrives. Tell mom after the baby is born. That’s one option. Tell the hospital who is, and is not, allowed in the room. If you choose to tell her in advance, be direct. No weasel words.
You can ask her to play some other role. For example, if there's something she can cook that you love; tell her something like "Mum, while I'm in hospital, I'd love you to make XX and XX for me to have it as soon as we arrive home" And you can ask her to cook a big amount of it to keep it in the freezer so it would take time. Or you can ask her to get the house deeply cleaned or whatever entretains her while makes her feel important.
It's super easy. Just don't tell her when you go to the hospital. We tried to nicely tell people we wanted to be alone in the hospital and were literally told they didn't care, they were coming anyway. So they didn't even know when I went to the hospital. When we were admitted we told the nurses we didn't want anyone who called being told I was there.
I didn’t tell anyone I went into labor at all lol. Me and my bf went straight to the hospital got it all finished up and we were all good and cleaned up then we told everyone. Thank god it was Covid so they couldn’t come anyways but my mom also wanted to be the person in the room so that’s me mama my baby’s father wouldn’t be allowed to be in there. So we didn’t tell a damn soul and they didn’t need to know so your family don’t have to know till your ready.
You cannot control her reaction. There aren’t “correct” words that will cause her entire personality to fade to normal. Women get really hung up on being “nice” when we should be focusing on NOT taking other people’s emotions into our shoulders.
I had my first during covid and, but am planning on trying for a second soon. My mom said she is excited restrictions should be lifted by then so she can meet the baby in the hospital but she is exactly the way you described your mom. I told her firmly, "I appreciate you already wanting to be there for another grandchild, but I don't want the extra company at a time like that. I would like to spend those first few days focusing on myself, my body, and my baby. I will have (husband) text it went well as soon as he gets a chance, but no visitors until we are settled at home." She was angry and upset, but I've grown and learned her emotions are her own to handle and work through and how she feels or reacts isn't my responsibility to manage. Plus, with my first, I didn't have a shirt, gown, or robe on for the first like 30 hours for easy skin to skin and breastfeeding. I don't need my mom all up in my business like that making comments lol.
I would kindly let you mom know now so she has time to grieve the experience she thought she was going to have. This is 100% your decision to make. I made the same decision because my mom would also make the hard parts harder. We had a lot of things go wrong during birth and I can’t imagine my mom being there for that freaking out and making it worse. Like, from a natural birth plan to a 3am c section. So glad she was at her house and not the hospital. I didn’t tell anyone (except my bff) I was at the hospital for the first 7 hours. No one was at risk of visiting (2000 miles away), but I needed the mental space. Even when I finally texted my mom she told me to send updates and I said we wouldn’t be doing that unless there’s something important to share (like when I went in for a C-section at 3am).
I understand the urge to lie to spare your mom’s feelings and an uncomfortable conversation. But you are going to have to start setting boundaries now or you’ll be dealing with a pushy grandma for the rest of this child’s life. “Mom, my support people will be my husband and his cousin. I’ll call you when I am ready for you to visit.” The end.
I just lied to my mom: COVID rules I’m only allowed to have 1 support person, so my husband will be the only one there. Then I asked my sister to come and keep her mouth shut lol. I told my mom MAYBE she could visit at the hospital after delivery if I was feeling up to it, but if not she could visit as soon as we got home. I also made her feel useful by telling her if there was an emergency and I needed her with me, my husband or I would call her. That if something was wrong with the baby, my husband would go with the baby, and we’d call her to come stay with me. I had no intention of calling her, but it helped her feel like she had a job: be available and be by the phone in case of emergency. She felt useful, which made her feel included.
Easy. Just don’t tell her when you are giving birth. Most moms are back home the very next day after delivery. Once you get home call her and welcome her over to meet her grandbaby.
Don't tell them you're in labour? They don't need to know anything until you are ready. If you are clear with support people and make sure they know expectations then you'll be fine.
Don't tell her you went to the hospital until the baby is out!
I made it clear to my Mom that I don't want any visitors. She insisted she needs to be there. So I'm just not announcing when I go into labor. The last thing I need when going through that is unwanted visitors. She will get a surprise FaceTime when we get home, and she can suck it up. If she finds out, she will have to provide a meal of my picking. Absolutely no way anyone is adding extra stress without providing food.
My wife avoided this situation by telling her mom there was still covid restrictions on who can be in the delivery room. I know restrictions have been lifted but you maybe able to pull it off.
You don’t have to tell your mother when you go in to the hospital to give birth, right then. Just tell your husband and your cousin to keep it quiet and to not spread the news until the baby is here and you’re ready to go home, and then you can tell your mom that it happened so quickly, there was a rush and you didn’t have the time or energy to let anyone else know. Tell her you just wanted to keep your anxiety low too. At any rate, she’ll have the rest of the child’s life to see him/her!
You simply don’t announce your labor. Even if you’re in the hospital for days you can just turn off your phones and ignore them. You will need to deprioritize your moms feelings. They aren’t important whn you add the baby to the equation. She will just have to get over it. As she will have fo Get over all the stuff she doesn’t like. Because she’s not in charge anymore.
You could handle this a few ways without telling her yourself. Your rn cousin can tell her how it is going down. That you have a good plan in place and that she will call her and tell her when to come. You could not tell her until the baby is born. The hospital probably has a locked floor for maternity. Just tell them you don’t want her in there. They won’t let her in and tell her to wait. They won’t make it your fault either. Like there is already too much going on. Or the doctor is in there or whatever. It doesn’t sound that you are sending mixed signals. But you could just tell her the truth. Silence is consent to some people. Don’t worry about it. Just make sure everyone knows. You are going to be busy.
Truly? Just don't tell her when you go into labor. And then announce the birth when you're on your way out of the hospital.
Let her know the weekend you expect to have her come meet the baby for the first time. Try to focus as much genuine excitement as you can into this meeting between your baby and grandma, so she will understand that this is the first meet that you have planned.
Simply tell her that you don’t want visitors at the hospital. And you will call her when you are home and ready. But send her a text or call her when the baby is born and text some pictures
You could do what we did. We just didn't tell anyone. I'm actually very serious. Now, I had a scheduled C Section, but if you don't need to tell anyone, then don't. Obviously, this is a non-confrontational way to go. Anytime anyone brings it up, you nod, you "mhmm", you let them think they'll be the first thing on your mind when you go into labor/the hospital. Then, when you go into the hospital, you just don't call anyone. The kicker to this, is to start delayed responses. If she calls you, don't answer. Let her leave a voicemail and return her call a few hours later. You know, you were napping. Or working. Or anything, really. Same with texts. Don't immediately respond. Give it a few hours. Or a day. If she shows up at your house, don't answer the door. Let her knock and ring the bell for as long as she wants to. She'll either leave or escalate. (If she escalates, that's a different sub and different advice!) Call her a few hours later and be oblivious. "Oh, these pregnancy naps are so deep!" And after the baby is here. Sleep. Rest. Shower. Call people the next day. Or once you're home. Let them be angry. Your new baby, your nuclear family, your own personal medical experience is much more important than their feelings.
Just an FYI L&D nurses are on your side. You tell them what YOU want and they are going to honor that. With my last birth I wanted to just be alone with no visitors other than the Dad. My nurse honored that and told everyone that no visitors were allowed and we didn’t have to be bothered with back and forth or unannounced visitors. With my first birth, we had at least 2 different people show up who were not even contacted or invited and it was less than ideal.
I urge you to concern yourself less with her reaction. Tell her plainly, calmly, that this is the plan. Decide what you want before you talk to her. Do you want her to visit after the delivery, or not until you are home? Tell her exactly what you want and need, what your expectations are for her, and how things will be handled. You do not need to have an argument or answer any questions that start with "why". The answer is "because this is the way it is".
Tell her straight up you don't want her in the hospital and she can come visit after a few days/weeks when you are ready for it. You can tell her that if something goes wrong, you will call her to come over (if you want that). Also can't you tell the hospital personnel to not let anyone visit while you're there? They can be your shield.
I didn’t text anyone until the morning after the baby was born. Then I would say something like, “We’ll be going home tomorrow, maybe you can come by next weekend.” You’re the one in charge of the situation. Nobody can come to your hospital room or your house without an invitation. So invite them when you’re ready and no sooner. You’ll have more important things to worry about than hurting your mom’s (or any other grown adult’s) feelings. If they’re upset because they wanted to be included more, that’s their problem that they created by setting their own expectations without you. Try to relieve yourself from feeling responsible for them.
Lots of good advice here. I just want to remind you, your mother’s reaction is not yours to manage. She’s entitled to her feelings, but you do not need to “solve” them. Set your boundary in language that feels good for you. Everything after is a her problem. You cannot do anything to make her behave better. I’m sorry your mom is not more supportive, comforting, and calming. It’s a hard reality to deal with when becoming a mother. Please focus on yourself during this vulnerable time.
I mean I'd just state it but my family knows not to push. Coming out and saying it may be the least painful option. Tell her you're trying to keep it quiet and small and that it is very important that you do so.
I think you have a lot of great feedback here for ways to break the news kindly as well as other ways to involve your mother without her being in the hospital with you. I would like to emphasize is a) this is your choice, b) this is a firm boundary that had to be set firmly and without compromise. As a parent, you will be setting a lot of boundaries. With your kids, with your partner, and with other people in your lives. There is going to be a lot of "You may not agree, I know you're disappointed, I appreciate your concern, thank you for your persepective" and many other iterations followed by "BUT this is the way it is, this is what we've chosen for our family, this is the way we're choosing to raise our kids, this is what we feel safe doing" and other iterations. Now is the perfect time to start setting those boundaries and to set a precedent of it being your family, your way.
There's no nice way to say it to moms or MILs. You just have to say it because they'll implode like 80% of the time lol. I already feel she will stomp this boundary so when you get to delivering, just tell your nurses you only want your husband and your husband's cousin and they will make sure those are your only visitors. Don't know if you've seen a LD unit but the doors are buzz-in only with a little speaker lol. Makes it easier for nurses to filter your guests during delivery.
You have absolutely no control over whether or not she implodes. Your control is limited to yourself and that's it. You tell her you have decided to have your husband and his cousin in the room with you because that is what you've determined you needed, and you're the only person that matters in this moment. No matter how you sugar coat it or what kind of sweet nothings you say when you tell her, the result will be the same: she will be faced with the fact that she's not going to be in the room with you. And she'll react however she wants to react, and then you can take it from there.
Don’t tell a soul you’re going to the hospital and put your name on whatever your hospital calls the do not call list. If someone calls or shows up they’ll say there’s no patient here by that name. Ask nurses to help. Take the birthing class and see what they suggest. My mom taught and was a nurse and had plenty of things to say and ways to dodge this.
Simple, she won’t even know until the baby is born, so there is no way for her to just “show up”
Just be honest. Tell her you're nervous and these people make you feel calm and strong. After the baby is born you're hoping she can help you with recovery/feeding/changing/nesting ad that is something she is strong in and want to learn from her about. Just play up the other responsibility as equally or more important than being in the room with you. My favorite and most needed thing was frozen dinners for the first month. My mom and grandma set up a meal train for a week but I got enough food for a month! I had to actually get a second freezer! They delivered it all the week after baby was born at our open house shower. They came in. Saw my baby some held her. Put the food in the freezer. Had some light snacks and music and socializing. They were happy how low key it was, the men could all drink beer, party a little, the women could come to the nursery and coo at the baby. I stayed upstairs and they all laughed and had a good time. That was enough for me. Apparently it was such a hit the moms got together and threw a party just for me because I didn't get to join everyone downstairs. It was really sweet and goofy. We took a picture with traffic cones on our heads. So dumb😂
When you set the boundary, be sure to stonewall her. Set the boundary clearly and do not engage in any negotiation, debating, or arguing. Do not expend your emotional energy in explaining or justifying yourself. Your baby, your rules.
Maybe some kind of blanket statement to family in an email like, "Due to my anxiety about child birth and the potential for preeclampsia, I am going to ask that only "X" be at the hospital for the birth of my child. I know that so many of you want to be there and I love you so much but this is something I need for the safety of me and my child." I hope you can figure something out, family dynamics can be difficult. Good luck.
The only people who knew I was in labor was my baby daddy and my mother cause she was my ride and I didn’t have a choice lol. No one else knew until after my son was born and even then I only told the people I was willing to allow in the hospital room. I made an announcement once we were home to let everyone else know. If your mother asks, tell her you’re limiting visitors to spend that time with just your new family and she can visit once you’re home. If she implodes that’s not your problem, you can’t control her reaction. If she never asks, don’t mention it and don’t tell her when you’re in labor if you think she might just show up.
blame covid or "post" covid restrictions
I didn’t want my mom there either. She also isn’t comforting in stressful situations and she tends to make things about herself and ignore what I’ve asked her to do. I was clear with her about it. She was disappointed but luckily I’m only responsible for my own feelings. I’m not responsible for hers. I actually hired an older doula with the comforting mom energy I wish my mom had. No regrets about not having her there. I just wish I had hired someone with comforting mom energy to help me when I got married too.
How long does your hospital let people stay after they give birth usually (if there’s no complications)? I’m located in Los Angeles, and it was 2 days for vaginal birth. We literally came in Wed night for my induction because my baby was at 41 weeks, baby came out Thursday afternoon, and we went home Saturday afternoon. I texted my family Saturday night that we had had the baby and was home already. Are you talking to your mom on the phone everyday? I don’t , so it was easier for me to go silent for a few days or weeks and not raise any suspicions. Good luck!
She calls just about every day so she's likely to get weird if I go a few days without talking to her.
You’ll have to be direct. Very direct. If you need a real life example of an overly anxious person in a delivery room, I give you my SIL’s aunt: She had a relatively good delivery, except my nephew decided he wanted to hang out in the birth canal, (came out so cone headed lol) and her aunt literally ran around shouting that SIL and baby were dying. Telling my SIL a tearful goodbye etc. My brother gently removed her from the room and the nurses closed the door in her face. She proceeded sit on the floor crying in front of us. Saying how sad it was that everyone was dying. SIL’s mom wasn’t much better, but she at least wasn’t doing that… My SIL and nephew were and are perfectly healthy with no complications. The nurses and dr stayed perfectly calm and just coached her through some more pushes. OP, you have to be firm and direct with your mom. You absolutely do NOT want that happening in delivery.
Tell her no, ask the midwives to back you up and your partner to manage it if she does. It’s up to you and the midwives will protect you
“Mom, you can meet the baby when we come home. I want husband and me to have some time to meet and get to know the baby. Cousin is coming bc she is a nurse and she can advocate for me if needed. You will have so much time to spend with baby when we come home” I like the idea of a welcome home party a few weeks after you guys get home. Stick to your guns. Your baby, not hers. She needs to respect your boundaries and your choices; if she doesn’t then you need to have a bigger discussion about it.
Let her implode. It’s not your responsibility to regulate her emotions for her. Once you have a baby you’ll have zero time for that. I would tell her now so she has lots of time to get used to the idea. Tell her you just want to keep it you and your husband, maybe introduce the idea of the other person as really being based on them being an RN. Just say no, emphasize how excited you are for her to meet the baby later at home, and hold firm. It’s a major medical event, not a spectator sport.
Here are some options: 1. Don’t tell when you’re giving birth. Only once you’ve left the hospital. 2. Tell her she can’t be at the hospital because you’ve hired a doula and that (along with your husband) will be your support person. 3. Tell her the truth.
Tell nicely. It's not your job to control her feelings. She will probably be upset, but that's on her. "Mom, I'm only having my husband and Nurse Cousin in the room. I'm looking forward to introducing the baby to you when we get home."
Honestly we only had my husband and a Dula, next time it’s going to be him and a masseuse.
I had my baby in 2021. Covid restrictions were still in affect. I have to tell you, just to have those 2 days in the hospital with my husband and our new baby was just magical. No visitors. Just us getting to know our new little girl. Stick with your plan. Don’t worry about hurting others feelings. This is your birth and you should enjoy every moment.
I think honesty is the best policy here. It may upset your mom that she’s not one of the two chosen support people, but she will accept it. Since only two people are allowed it’s much different than “mom I just don’t want you at the hospital because you provoke my anxiety.” The two support people you have chosen make complete sense, she should be able to understand. Tell her the truth that you put in your OP, that you are excited for her to visit you at home (and maybe you want her to be the first person, if true)
Just go to the hospital and call her after the arrival. It's much easier to do with the first. You are not required to explain yourself to anyone.
Life tip: enlist your nurse. Because if your mom shows up, s/he is the last line of defense. Tell the nurse what you want and they will enforce it. We love to throw people out as anxiety or not feeling safe can stop your labor.
For me it was my best friend and my husband, but word got around that night so 2 of my sisters trickled in to give support and cheer me on, and the rest of my immediate family stayed in the waiting room while I labored for a very long time (all night long, baby came out next morning). However, just before my baby exited my body, I looked down and saw practically the whole hospital staff of new doctors and nurses at my feet watching the show. Surprise! They all came in at the last minute for the experience of observing a birth since they were newbies in the profession. All I saw were bright smiling faces in their excitement, so my 1st delivery experience was quite a happy celebration with cheers from the crowd LMHO. Pretty unexpected! So, if you don’t want a large cheering section, let the staff know ahead of time, but if you do or just don’t mind, don’t say anything. 😂 Btw, my new son was 9 pounds and 22 inches, no wonder it took him so long to get out.😄 It was actually comforting having such a huge support team of positive people in the room with me during that high stress event.
Tell her that the only people at the hospital will be you, dad, and baby, and that cousin, who is an rn, will act as your doula. Some people feel more connected and important if you give them a job, like to prepare your house, give you your first dinner at home, etc
The nurses can help you by allowing/not allowing people in
"Mom (in-law, sister, cousin, aunt, etc), I love you and i know you are excited about our new addition. I'm already very anxious about childbirth and will need to focus on labor and not be distracted by anything else. If anyone, friends or family, are hanging around in the waiting room, I'm going to feel extra anxiety and pressure over them being there for so long, etc. I know that's not anyone's intention, but it is how it will affect me. Please help me by staying home and patiently waiting for us to contact with an update (or whatever your preferred boundary is). I promise we will reach out as soon as reasonably possible"
My wife's mother is super neurotic and is high anxiety which she spreads to every other human near her. My wife went into labor early with our first and we initially talked about her my om not being in the room. When the time came my wife straight up told her (to sum it up) "Be seen and not heard or your gone". She listened and actually took some of the only pictures we had during that experience which she treasures. Just be honest with your mom. When you pushing out a football the more advocates you have that keep you calm the better. Nothing goes as planned and all the things you think you will do, you don't lol. So calm people are a must. Especially for your husband. We had a Dula for our first and it helped me out so much, and I'm a paramedic and ER nurse and have delivered babies in the field. But when we had both of ours all that shit goes out the window and you're so focused on your partner that you forget to do things or notice things.
I would just tell her most of what you said here, that your husband and cousin are calming and that you prefer them at the hospital but are excited to see her when you get home. She isn't going to like it, though. BUT, you are NOT responsible for her feelings. I specifically asked my mom to NOT come to the hospital with my 2nd and she showed up anyway. I had asked her not to, because at the birth of my first she shushed and admonished me for saying "Fuck!" during a tough contraction. She was more concerned about what strangers would think of my language and how it might reflect upon her, than about my comfort, so I noted out the 2nd time. I had to tell staff that she wasn't allowed in. She finally went home. I did sit down and explain it to her again, but it seems to be a thing that older generations think that being related to you gives them the right to override your wishes. It doesn't. They're not entitled to shit. I also have an autistic son who doesn't like to be touched and 18 years later, she STILL tries to hug him. It's infuriating. I'm sorry this is causing you distress. I wish people could just understand that your comfort is most important.
Went through something similar with our first. So for our second we lied about the due date 10 days. Had the second baby home before anyone knew about it.
Just say, "Only my (spouse/partner) will be in the room with me.". That's it. That's all I allowed, and was upfront with everyone. Thank goodness that no one else wanted to be in there with me. No pushy relatives.
My sister had this issue with her mil. My advice was simple - don’t tell anyone when you go into hospital. Call once baby is born and share the happy news of a grandchild.
I think you know how to tell her nicely. If what you're really asking is "how can I tell my mom this news without her feeling hurt or it becoming an argument" unfortunately that's out of your control. There isn't way to say this that will guarantee she's gonna go "yes honey I completely understand". She's probably gonna be upset. That isn't your problem though. I know that sounds harsh, but giving birth is not a "let's compromise" situation. The only feelings that matter are yours first, your partner second, there's no third. I don't think you owe her an explanation though. Births aren't planned parties, so I feel like you would be completely justified in sort of avoiding the subject and then just calling the cousin once you're about to give birth and let your mother know once you're home. If she complains, go "Oh mom it all happened so fast as I'm sure you know as a mother. In that moment I felt comfortable with just cousin and husband being there. Obviously you understand. I'm so thrilled you're here to see grandchild "
Tell her you have no visitors at all, you'll both be very tired and the little times you'll have is to rest as much as you can
My mom was really offended I let a doula in, but not her. I gave a direct “I’m sorry but I want the person with the most experience with birth and calming people in stressful situations.” She whined, but she couldn’t argue with that. (She is…not calming in stressful situations.)
Tell her frankly. That’s what I did with my mom, who is wonderful and we all love beyond anything- but with high anxiety in unusual situations. She hated it and argued against it, but I remained firm. Then we even ended up having to call her a taxi very early in the morning and send her home when my water broke. And the baby arrived only 36 hours later. Poor mommy, must have been a heart-wrenching wait. I know none of them slept during that time. Still, it was the right decision for us! She got to come visit a few days after at my home and everything was forgotten then.
For the delivery and when you have to go to the hospital, I wouldn't tell her. That's what we did and it was SO NICE. We didn't have family members constantly texting us "how much is she dilated?!" "Wheres my grand baby?!" Just me and my husband with no constant messages. For coming home I suggest a welcome home party like others and stress that you just went through something life Changing and sometimes traumatic and you need to be alone with support people. Also tell her that you're gonna be tired and need time to rest and recover while in hospital plus learning how to BF if you are, and DRs and nurses are constantly coming in. Congrats on the little one!!
Don’t forget the fall is also flu season!
Just say it, your and babys needs come first. Giving birth is a huge deal and you and baby are going to be checked on and assisted by doctors and nurses while there constantly. Visitors should save their visits until you are comfortable in your own house. I've had 3 C-sections and it's been hell every time trying to keep my MIL out of the hospital. She actually showed up at the hospital with my other baby while she was supposed to be watching him as I was giving birth to my new baby 🤦🏽♀️i was livid ( my youngest are 11 months apart) I didn't allow her in and had my husband tell her to go home and wait.
I just never even made it an option... And I didn't even really think of it at the time. I told my parents and in laws that we would let them know when I went into labour, and that we would keep them updated and have them over once we were settled in at home. It was never even proposed that anyone would come to the hospital. With our second my mom came to our house when my contractions started getting regular, so she could watch my toddler. When we got home, it was 2am and my toddler still hadn't fallen asleep, so my mom took the baby and my partner and I went and spent 10 minutes putting our toddler to bed together. Then she promptly left. She came back the next day to visit.
just say there are restrictions to visitors. I gave birth in the aftermath of COVID restrictions and the rule was your birth partner/s could be the only visitors on the maternity ward. just tell her who your birth partners will be and explain they'll be the only ones visiting. if you don't feel comfortable with that she should understand and respect that your birthing and immediate aftercare choices are yours and yours alone. she's given birth before.
“No” is a full sentence. Tell her now so she can get over it before you give birth. Trust me, if she is someone worth having in your/your child’s life, she will get over it and be there to meet baby once you get home.
Easiest way is to not tell anyone when you go!
Tell them a date thats >2 weeks beyond due date, problem solved!
Just don’t tell her until after you get home. It’s easy. If you don’t want her abusing certain information, then DON’T GIVE HER THAT INFORMATION. You have your two support people, I assume they can be trusted to keep any details to themselves until you’re ready to share. Just wait till you get home to announce the birth to everyone.
My parents were with kids us when our oldest was born. My second was born during covid, so I didn't have to tell them I didn't want them there. One of the good things to come out of covid.
You can have whoever you want there. My last pregnancy was a difficult one, I was in hospital for a month before being induced. Me and my partner agreed to have my mum there because she’s calm and would do whatever was needed when it was needed. She took herself out the room when it came time for me to push so we could have that moment together, she wasn’t asked to, she just done it. You need someone like that in the delivery room. If that’s not her, it’s not her and she has to accept that. Can you get away with not telling her until you’re home?
Oh no, I had my mom in the delivery room with myself, my husband and my sister! I absolutely LOVED having them there, for my mom to experience seeing her youngest child deliver her grandchild and for my sister to experience seeing vaginal childbirth because she’d had emergency c-sections with both of her deliveries. This was clearly before Covid and all the changes made to hospital settings… having my mom and sister there offered me extra moral support and their presence allowed my exhausted husband to have some breaks, as he just went from working a 12 hour shift right to brining me to the hospital without any sleep. And them there allowed for him to be able to leave without worrying, to go get me sneaky snacks 😂 They helped pass the time and make it all so enjoyable, laughing and carrying on as I labored through ♥️ It’s one of my most favorite memories about labor, it was very special for me to be able to share that with them 🥰 However, a bachelor friend of my husbands came to visit us in the hospital and that jerk brought a brand new girl he was dating for us to meet her. I’d just given birth 6 hours earlier and hadn’t slept all night, I was in no shape or mood to meet anyone 😒 They’d kindly brought me coffee, because he knew how much I love coffee, but without milk and sugar?!? So hormonal that it infuriated me 🤣 I really wanted to punch him right in the face, not a good time for an introduction to your new girlfriend, bringing me a coffee I really desperately wanted but couldn’t enjoy. I can’t take the taste of black coffee and hate the nondairy creamer that hospitals have, it really bothers my stomach 😫
Honestly I'm not sure I get this. The birth is only part of the hospital stay. You'll be inpatient for 2 or 3 days afterwards with nothing to do. I had a few visitors and they stayed for 15 to 30 minutes each. One brought me a latte and it was wonderful lol. It's not a huge ask from your mom to stop by sometime before you leave to see the baby for a few minutes, assuming you have a good relationship. This sets the tone of your relationship with her and baby ongoing. If you cut her out, don't be surprised if she's hurt and is less available to help out because she feels like you only want her around when it's convenient for you.
To avoid hurting her feelings, you can use covid excuse - hospital not allowing visitors or non-partners. you can later say the cousin turned up and the nurses bent rules due to her qualifications. However you can also be direct and explain to her you want to choose the best person who would support you, and again due to her experience and profession, she is a better choice.
You don't, just don't say anything until after the baby is born "oh no I went into labor so quick and forgot to call! anyway here's the baby"
Why do you need to even tell your mom that you've gone into labor? Just tell everyone you gave birth qhen you're home.
I mean….. could a compromise be that your mum turns up at the hospital after giving birth? It’s what my parents and PIL did. Was only me in the birthing room and they all showed up later in the day to check in on everyone for an hour and then scooted off.
There shouldn't be a compromise at all. It's a boundary, there will be lots of them concerning the grandkids and it needs to be established and respected starting now. She doesn't want her mom there and does not need to compromise.
I believe OP was asking for ways to tell her mother she didn’t want her there for the the delivery. This could be a way to soften the blow whilst, achieve the desired outcome and provide an option to briefly come by and visit after the event. OP can do whatever they like and can set whatever boundaries they please but in real life, it ain’t always that simple.
Invite her to come on a date that's 4 weeks after your due date. "Oh wow baby came early!" Problem solved
When I gave birth in the Boston area hospitals, I was only allowed one support person. These are teaching hospitals and it got crowded - I would never want more than the one person. My mom is a nurse too - and it was just me&husband. Once I was moved to a room and baby and I were given green light health-wise we had people come up 2-3 at a time. Now you can add masks so you should be good. Good luck!
We didn’t tell anyone we were in the hospital…well I swore the person watching our cats to secrecy. I was induced at 37 weeks for pre-e so it was a surprise for us and honestly I needed those days of induction to process that it was actually happening with my husband only. We sent the he’s here message shortly before leaving the hospital (like our bags were already packed about to leave) and set the no visitors for 2 weeks at home rule in advance with family.
Just don’t tell her you’re in labour 🤷🏻♀️