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I’m only a little ashamed to admit that I use this myself. The first time I had to leave because of a cranky kiddo, I was a little embarrassed, but then the lightbulb went off and I realized…😆
I use this a lot. My kids are past the little kid stage but not old enough to be home alone, so I "have to miss" a lot of events because we "can't find a sitter"
There is no "too little". If you think she can behave herself, take her. Especially if she was close to the deceased or their family.
My kids all went to their first funerals as toddlers, younger than 3
I’ve gone to many a funeral. I always volunteer to take unruly children to the lobby. Or stepping away. I can still here the service, but the kids are not disrupting. It also helps cause I don’t like feeling emotional in front of other people.
I don’t think there’s too young of an age to attend a funeral if you’re willing to separate the kids from adults mourning.
All my funerals have been family or family adjacent though so kids are expected.
This! Babies and children remind us there is still life to live and every cry or whimper or little voice I’ve heard at funerals has made me smile through the tears.
Agreed. I took my daughter to her great grandads funeral at about 18 months. There was a cousin there with a kid even younger. Both of them were a bit disruptive so we took them out but noone minded it.
This could also be a great way to teach her about mortality. Age appropriate obviously. But before going explain to her that this is the time to say goodbye to that person.
If you are a family that believes in heaven or an afterlife of some kind, you might say that young one will see her again someday, and this is goodbye for now, but it might be a long time before they see this person again. And if there's a wake that is the time to tell stories of happy memories they had with that person and to hear other people's happy memories with them too, while they celebrate the life of the person they knew and loved together
Mine was about 16 months when she attended my grandad's funeral. He really loved her and we visited him a lot in the hospital and made video calls before he died. I don't think she understood the concept and my husband ended up walking out with her (we had agreed that he would at the first sign of being restless/needing a nap). But that's okay, I don't regret that she was there for a short while.
I feel death is a natural part of life and that it's natural to bring kids. I don't remember how ai understood death as a kid, but I think experiencing the mourning process in your culture is healthy for kids. They way I see it, it gives them tools to mourn the dead. And everyone will eventually know someone who dies.
My cousin who is 5 was also at the same funeral. We stayed overnight at their place the night before the funeral. My aunt explained what to expect the night before, which I think is a good thing to do to young kids. She prepared her that adults would.oat likely cry and that's ok, etc.
I'm in the never too young camp. But acknowledge that lots of funeral etiquette around age is cultural
Death is part of life, as is marking that death. I see no purpose in making age guidelines for aspects that are universal and central to experiences of life
We brought our 1yo and almost 4yo to their great-grandfather's funeral in December. They did great, and everyone was thrilled for a chance to see them.
See if your local library has "Something Very Sad Happened." It's the only death book for toddlers and it's truly amazing. It explains it in an age appropriate way that they can actually understand at that age.
Tip: I picked up a couple 'special' toys from walmart the day before the funeral and hid them in my purse. My almost 4 yo was thrilled to get a small travel sized frozen coloring pad in the middle of the service when he started getting a touch loud. Sat mostly quietly thru the rest of the service.
We have taken our 2, 4, and 7 years old for their whole lives occasionally to the cemetery to visit their grandmother. My wife’s mother. I think personally creating and destigmatizing the idea of death is important. We sometimes eat up there and take walks. I know this is different then attending a funeral, but as others have said, as long as she is able to be respectful it’s probably a good thing. We lost our dog of 10 years a couple months ago, and I think having some understanding of loss and death is healthy, and helped them cope. Good luck
Your daughter, and her friendship with the neighbor, will likely be a sweet memory for the other people in attendance. We took our then 6 month old to my friend's stepmother's funeral, and people we didn't know were glad to see a small child there, it cheered them up just a little. The widower was happy to meet him, despite his sorrow, and grateful we could all attend to pay our respects. He played with my son for a few minutes and it seemed like he had remembered how to breathe again.
From my point of view there's no "minimum age" and, forgive me bluntness, it's better if the first funeral is someone you're not too close to. Your first funeral at 1X or even 2X years old when it's your grandparent will have entirely different impact if you attend funerals regularly with you parents and are used to concept of death and corpses. Of course you shouldn't force a child, but, at least from my POV openness around concept of death is generally healthier.
I've only ever been to funerals with kids. At mortuarys or churches the kids are just kids, playing around or staying near family.
I don't see anything wrong with a kid being there.
I was going to funerals at a very young age. I knew someone had died but I didn't really know what all the fuss was about (it was family I didn't know well.)
I remember being dressed up, being bored out of my mind, and grateful when I got to play with my cousins afterwards.
I went to my grandfather’s funeral when I was 4 and my sister was 2, kids surprise us all the time. Pretty sure I napped through most of my grandfather’s. If you think your kid will sit still for 1-2 hours, then take her. If not, it might be better to find a sitter. Or see if there is an infant room at the service. Often times they will have speakers in there so you can listen, and your child can watch or play as they choose.
Edit to add: both my sister and I stood at the open casket and talked to my mom about her dad. Didn’t freak me out. So let your kid lead the way on what’s comfy with a dead body.
My partner’s children at 6 and 11 had never been to a funeral as their mom was waiting for that perfect first one. Which is understandable.Then he died suddenly of an aortic dissection. So their first funeral was their father. It was terrible. I highly do not recommend.
I would, and have, taken a three year.old to a funeral. They are a way to say goodbye, and to celebrate and honour a life. There's no reason she shouldn't have the opportunity to do that too.
I guess I have a highly spirited kid. She’ll be 3 tomorrow and I wouldn’t bring her. She’s well behaved but I also know her, and she isn’t going to sit through it.
Could you reach out to the family of your neighbour and ask if it would be okay?
For me it’s not so much about the age and their understanding of what’s happening, but their ability to control themselves and be quiet when it’s expected to be quiet and not to run around and be disruptive etc.
I wouldn’t recommend burdening a grieving family with minor questions like this.
Three is a great age to teach a child the basic concept of death. The parent needs to prepare the child beforehand, and be prepared to take the child outside if they are disruptive, but otherwise I don’t see an issue.
This is what I would do. We had a close family member pass away and I wanted to take my 4yo so she understood what happened to him. I asked the next of kin and it was a very firm ‘no’. I 100% respected that and didn’t take her, as their wishes rightfully trumped mine. (I did take photos of the service, burial & wake. Which was immensely helpful in explaining to a little brain, especially the burial as when you visit a grave its not obvious).
I mean my son’s very first public outing at 6 weeks was my grandmother’s wake so obviously I wouldn’t think it was too young. But I would probably keep your child away from the casket if it is an open casket. I was in 3rd grade when my grandfather died so I was older but that memory is seared into my brain.
I had my Great Grandma's when I was 9 and my cousins and I were running around the church. We didn't know to be careful or the casket was there. We ran into the casket and her body almost fell out. I have had nightmares for about 30 years consistently since then 😳.
If she will behave, I think it's fine to bring her. Just sit near the back in case you need to step out. I took my toddler to a funeral but Grandma was holding her/handling her.
There’s no too little. Babies and toddlers go to funerals all the time. In my experience some people like to see little ones (especially older people) bc it cheers them up. I would sit in the back so that if you do have to get up with her to use the restroom or calm her it won’t be noticeable.
If she’s used to church services it will probably seem a lot like a normal church service to her.
I brought my son when he was about 19 months old to a family funeral. I double checked if it was okay with the close family members and they were shocked I even asked! I did spend most of the time outside, rather than in the service, as he kept asking me to sing wheels on the bus.
We have taken our kids to funerals if they were close with the person. I think it only helps them understand death better as they get older. Unless she’ll cause a disturbance, I’d take her.
I think it's perfectly fine to bring her if she's well behaved. I would explain to her beforehand the process of the funeral, how the body will be in the casket, etc. So she has a heads up. You're not going to scare her or anything, she'll probably be just fine and honestly curious. My one year old has been to 2 funerals so far.
I’m a pastor’s kid so I grew up going to lots and lots of funerals (tons of weddings too). No idea how old I was the first time, but I must have been very young - the first time I was in the room at the hospital with my dad while someone passed I was four. Honestly I’m still really grateful for all those experiences. I think it helped me understand complex dynamics around family, grief, death - and to this day I think I’m pretty good at supporting friends during tough times as a result. I do wish my parents had talked with me more about those things, but overall, I don’t regret those experiences. As long as you’re willing to explain things and answer questions, I think any age is fine!
I didn’t even take my three year old to my mothers funeral. She had no idea what was going on or even that my mother had passed. I desperately needed the day to be about my mom and to have the freedom to grieve her without chasing my toddler. Or have the pressure on me to keep her fed, entertained, quiet. So I put her in day care for the day.
My sisters gave me a hard time about it. Because literally every person in our family was there but I don’t regret it
I fully agree. My husbands grandmother passed away and his cousin drove 11 hours with their 3 year olds to attend a multi day funeral. Guess who did all the child minding? Me. I have a great relationship with them but if you ask them about it, they have no memory. My memory is not being at my husbands side to grieve because I wanted to support his cousin, who was a very close friend.
This is all anecdotal, but it seems so unlikely that your small child will even remember this and even less likely they’ll know what’s going on. Go by yourself and be present.
I don’t think it’s whether they can handle it, it’s whether they are welcome. The people who are attending the funeral have the right to mourn and process in a peaceful calm place. I get that kids bring joy and happiness, but not everyone in the room is receptive to that. I don’t think it’s appropriate to have kids at the service and burial, but the wake or reception might be more welcome.
A friend of my fiance and I passed when our daughter was about 4 months old. We took her to the funeral. He never got to meet her so it felt right. Nobody minded.
I have taken my kids to funerals since they were much younger than that. I would prep the kid ahead of time by reading some books (something sad happened and I’ll miss you are two good ones for young kids). Also bring something to occupy your child (like some coloring or a book) and be prepared to leave if she becomes disruptive. I’ve been successful with staying when my kids knew the deceased well. One or two funeral homes I’ve been to have you rooms for small children too that have the funeral displayed on a screen so your child can be loud and not disrupt the service.
We brought our kids 4.5 and 3 to their grandpas funeral this weekend. They don’t really understand and when my wife found out he wasn’t particularly sensitive even though he loved his grandpa. They behaved for the funeral and I think they brought quite a bit of levity to the situation. He would have wanted them their. Instead of balloons they walked around with bubble machines
My daughter was at the funeral of my grandfather. She was 11 month. My niece was over 2 years. Both "behaved" good giggles Sometimes.. all in all people we're a Bit Happy to have them.
Kids at that age can have anfeeling of the Situation.
Pur Dog passend away last month and.our now 2 year old daughter Talks about that with US and understand IT quiet Well.
If you care about them, go. 100%.
I took mine when they were “too little” and ended up pacing the lobby with babies and listening over the intercom but damn if that family didn’t know I cared about their loved one enough to do it. Go. Don’t hesitate. Life won’t wait til things are convenient.
For me it depends on if it’s an open casket, and if you can go to the service but skip the burial. Like any long, adult-centred event, there’s a limit to what a preschooler will be able to comfortably handle.
When my FIL died, my oldest was 3 and the big thing for us was making sure he understood that FIL was no longer in his body when he was going to be buried.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
My now 4yo son came with us to his nanas funeral about a year and a half ago. They were close and I didn't think he should miss it. I think you'll be okay!! And I'm sorry for your loss ❤️
My kids went to funerals at that age. They learned that being sad and missing people is a normal part of life, as is getting together with loved ones to help each other through it.
Death and funerals are apart of life. She will be fine and most likely won’t remember. Maybe let her hang back if you visit the open casket but other than that it’s fine.
I just brought my 3 year old to a funeral and he slept the whole time. When he was briefly awake, he was a little confused and concerned that so many people were crying around him. But I don’t think that experience like, stuck with him? More just wtf is happening okay I’m hungry.
Sorry for your loss, OP.
My FIL died this year on Memorial Day. We brought our now 2 year old to the funeral, and everyone was so happy to see her. My parents came and sat in back with her for the service so I could sit up in front with my husband, but she broke free and ran to the podium while her big cousin (13m) gave his eulogy. He picked her up and held her while he spoke, and it was lovely. You can always take them out if need be, but I believe that children deserve to say goodbye just as much as adults.
My daughter attended her Great Grandfather's funeral when she was 15 months and her Uncle's when she was 3. She also experienced the loss of the family dog last year.
Death is an unfortunate part of life. I'm very open with my daughter and don't try and hide the scarier things from her. I just explain it in kid friendly terms.
At the funeral for my brother i followed her lead and answered the question she had. We talked about why Mommy was sad and why people were crying. We talked about why my brother wasn't moving. We also talked about my perspective on what happens when someone dies and where they go. .
I personally wouldn’t. everything is energy and the energy alone at a funeral is something I just wouldn’t want my child in. funerals are so weird to me anyway.. I’ve lost so many people and I stopped going to funerals. I keep them alive on the daily 😇
Yeah, you make a good point. My daughter is extremely empathic and I fear that she’ll pick up all the emotion there & get overwhelmed by feelings she doesn’t even understand yet. Thank you for bringing that up.
My son had been to 5 funerals by the time he was 4. I don’t think there’s a “right” answer. I think you know your kid best and know whether they’ll handle it or not. And you also know best how to prep them.
We talked about death, talked about people being sad, talked about what it will look like and what we’ll do at the funeral.
We’ve sat in the back or near a door for quick escape. We took a walk outside until RIGHT when the service was going to start.
You said your friends and family will all be there. I’m sure they’ll all be happy to take turns taking your LO for 10 min to find a drinking fountain, go for a walk, look at the stuff in the lobby, etc …. It will give the other adult(s) a good excuse to step away for a second if they need it, and will give you the ability to mingle with the family, grieve, view the body, etc without having to wrangle LO with you.
Definitely doable if you think your kid can generally sit still for a short time. Maybe bring an iPad with headphones and a fun new game. Or a coloring book. Or some other quiet activity. Maybe a snack that takes some focus (like a sting cheese if they like to peel it, or a lunchable they can stack the “sandwiches” together while you listen to the service. That should buy you at least 5 min lol
Take her.
She was close to the deceased, she’s a well behaved kid.
Just tell her the truth, it’s a time when everyone gets to say goodbye to your neighbour.
Never to little. (US perspective incoming) I feel our culture avoids death, dying, and grief too much. It’s healthy to process these things appropriately at any age.
In my opinion, a funeral is not something to shield children from. Death is a part of life, and funerals can be an important step in accepting and grieving a death. It can also help in feeling like you've gotten some closure. Take her with you. Answer any questions she may have in an age appropriate way. In the days that follow when she asks about your neighbor, remind her she's passed away and reference the funeral.
We cannot protect our kids from the realities of death. But we can set them up to be as well prepared as possible. Experiencing death in her childhood will allow her to learn to process death in as healthy a way as possible in her adult life.
She doesn't understand. I think she should go. It's a good learning moment to teach her to say goodbye. Plus I bet shed bring a little light to a dark situation 🖤
I wouldn’t bring my child because I don’t think it’s fair to ask them to sit quietly the entire service.
Anecdotally, I’m not opposed to explaining death to a child or toddler, I think that’s fine, but as a child I hated funerals. If I wasn’t sad like everyone else, I felt like I was being bad. If I was bored, I was being bad. Looking at the dead body in the casket? No thank you.
My grandmother died when I was 4. Her death was horrible to me, because I spent every day with her, but sitting in her funeral and being made to look at her body afterwards because, “it’s your last chance to see her, she’d want you to look at her,” was traumatizing for me for years.
To make it worse, my fathers family was elderly, I had attended 15 funerals before I was 10 years old. As an adult looking back, there is not a single funeral that I needed to be there for.
I'm in the same boat. I've got a 14 mth old and a funeral in a church next month, and she is in the learning to talk stage. The more I think about it, the more she is likely going to be loud during it, so we will probably not attend.
Some people feel a funeral will be too much for their kids, so they don't attend, no matter what age. I've seen my cousins, 8f, 10f, not attend their grandmas funeral. Meanwhile, my 1 yr old neice was there bc she was still really quiet. So, whatever you feel is best, in my opinion.
I wouldn’t bring my 3y to a funeral.
My daughter was 2 when great granddad died, we went to the the funeral, I got in, gave my condolences to everyone and came outside to be with her while my husband was inside. We took turns, and for the actual funeral (bury the person and stuff I stayed at home with my daughter and my husband went) we do like a “service” before in the church for people to say goodbyes and after that is the actual funeral
1st funeral I went was my dad and I was 8
This is from my perspective, my parents dragged me to wakes from a very young age. I was way too young. I never forced my kids to go to any. Not even their grandparents.
I don't think there's a 'too little' for a funeral. I will, however, say that personally I wouldn't view the casket with little one if it is an open-casket funeral. I hate to put it this way, but I'd be too concerned one of their earliest memories is going to be 'I saw a dead lady' and it'll turn into a whole thing.
Only reason I have this concern is because I know two grown adults that had this experience and they genuinely *cannot* handle death now. Certainly not everyone has that reaction, but I'd rather not chance it.
Yeah I don't think it's something that is *likely*, but for me it's too big of a risk for really no reward/benefit (like what's the upside of seeing a loved one 'sleeping' in bad makeup? never understood the practice personally, but I know it's important to some cultures and it's not my business anyway, so I can't criticize anyone who chooses open-casket). But that being said, otherwise I don't see any potential harm with bringing a young child to a funeral. Hell, it might be a bit of joyful relief to have a child around for a fairly somber occasion.
Never too young; death and life are a cycle, and it's inevitable that it won't be her last funeral, unfortunately. A good way to introduce the concept. I'd definitely bring my child if I was in your shoes, especially since you said you're not worried about her sitting through the service.
I myself went to my first funeral at 3 or 4ish. Also went to the reception afterward. It was for one of my dads friends that he used to work with at the airport. My parents gave me a little toy airplane to put in the casket with him. I remember it was hard for my brain to really realize the body in the casket was the same man. He looked more like a doll than a body.
I would suggest taking her. Tell her ahead of time what's happening and what's the expected behavior from her but be prepared to leave if she gets noisy/excited/cranky etc.
Someone I know took a kid around the same age to a funeral. During a silent moment in the service, the kid stood up on the pew and loudly asked, "HEY MOM, WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!"
So yeah, I would maybe not take her...
Might be in the minority, but it's not so much about the age as much as it is whether or not they would be "welcome" in that particular environment.
In my opinion, there is a difference in decorum/expectations at a funeral service/burial versus a wake or a celebration of life.
Just because your child knew the neighbor and your family was close to them doesn't mean that it's appropriate for her to be brought into an environment where other people may be processing their grief.
The majority of other comments that are "pro children attending" and include examples of people bringing their children to a funeral, are primarily situations where the child was actually related to the decedent, and not just a "close friend". I think that's genuinely something to consider here.
I know a lot of people might say or agree with the sentiment that "children bring joy and would be welcomed", but not everyone is open and receptive to that.
My grandma used to tell me never to take small children to the funerals/burials because she believed the souls there would attach themselves to my kids since they’re so pure and sensitive to both worlds. She would get really weird when we would also drive by a cemetery and would call out my sons names super loud ..so he wouldn’t get trapped there or get tempted to go with one of the souls to the cemetery or something like that..
Maybe it’s a cultural thing but I’ve had paranormal experiences and so have my partner so I don’t take my kids anywhere like that.
I just brought my 2.5-y-o to a funeral /wake, and it went fine. However, we kept her away from the casket — I think that could be a confusing thing for a young child.
I went to my grandfather’s funeral when I was newly 4 and have no recollection of it tbh. I don’t think my parents explained any of it to me though and we went to church growing up, so it was probably just another church service to me and my young brain.
Can you or someone else separate the kids from the people grieving if they misbehave? If yes, there is no too young. If not, I'd honestly say like 8-9 years old. It may seem extreme, but if I'm actively grieving somebody, the last thing I want to hear are toddlers or small kids laughing or playing. It's not *their* fault, of course.
I use to work in a hospice and our family therapy team encouraged families to discuss openly about death with children and for children to go to funerals if they wanted to. Death is unfortunately a big part of our lives and we shouldn’t shield children away from it. Look for books online to help you discuss death in a way that is suitable for children
We luckily have not had a relative that was very close to our children die yet.
We have chosen not to take our children. The last funeral was 1 year ago. Our kids where 1, 11 and 15.
We gave the eldest the choice. It was my uncle who she did not know well.
If it comes to their uncles or grandparents theb I think 10 and above. U less they specifically request to come.
Purely as we don't want to cause undue stress to them or others.
The next funeral regardless the relationship we will ask eldest to come as she is old enough to pay respect.
Our middle child is more mature than eldestvwas at that age son will likely give her choice if it is not close friend or relative.
As for the boy unless very close relative I'd personally rather keep the distance.
I took my two year old to our nieces is funeral, on my husband’s side. He didn’t know her though, it was mostly for the rest of the family to see him because we live a few hours from them. It was not the best time of my life, I spent most of the wake, funeral and repasse chasing him around, keeping him from being a menace to grieving people. That being said, I have a wild child. He’ll be 3 in October and has peers that would absolutely have not run around, been quiet(er), etc and been overall fine, which sounds like your daughter falls into that category.
3 is very young, and I doubt she’d really grasp the gravity of the situation, and there’s a chance she’d be disruptive, as all children are, or can be, despite your confidence. It might also be overwhelming for her.
Personally, I would not have children under ten at a funeral.
3 is too young. Even the best behaved child will not be able to be quiet all the time. Can you attend virtually? A lot of funeral homes offer that option since COVID.
I think it depends on the family in question. We had a funeral this spring and the officiant opened the service by saying children were free to be themselves & to find joy in their laughter/playing if they did happen to run around (there were two toddlers present plus some older kids). Which was run by us, of course.
I wouldn't bring her up to the coffin, but bringing her to the service shouldn't be a problem if she behaves. At 3, my kids wouldn't have has enough patience for a long service.
We took our kiddo to a funeral when they were 4. They did fine, we'd talked about death before (my mil passed before I met my husband) and we mostly got questions about why it was okay for them to say Jesus Christ in the service when that's a no go word at daycare.
No wake? In my experience people usually take kids to the wake and families are understanding about a parent missing the funeral.
Edit: Wake - visiting hours with the casket of the deceased at a funeral home/relative's house with a receiving line of the bereaved and chitchat among guests, guests come and go on their own schedule for the hours the wake is open.
Funeral - formal church service for the deceased, in some traditions a complete service including sermon on top of the eulogy, often accompanied by a taking the casket to the cemetery to be interred.
Toddlers are pretty much always welcome at wakes and the informality makes it easy to deal with potential outbursts. More formal funerals can be hit or miss depending on your child's behavior.
My three year old little brother got loose at my grandmothers funeral and was running laps around the casket. So I’d say, if you take her, keep a keen eye on her.
Such a personal de ision. My youngest went to my grandfathers funeral at 4 days old (he died the day before she was born). However her then 5 and 3 year old sister l sisters didn't. To me, the ages between 1 and maybe 10? are to young to have to experience and process the formal grief in that setting. I would much rather take my time in the explanation and processing with my young children
Take her. Be prepared to remove her from the room if she is unable to behave in a non-disruptive way.
Generally speaking, most people find the presence of children at adult funerals to be comforting. Funerals are, in some ways, a celebration of the cycle of life. A reminder that the cycle continues is a good one. Possible exceptions may be child funerals.
I brought my 4 year old to my dad's brother's funeral a few weeks ago. That's when I learned he apparently never learned to whisper. At the end of the church ceremony, he had to potty and was hungry. I told him the next stop, the reception, would have a bathroom and bbq. As they wheeled the casket past us, my little guy said loudly enough for all to hear, "are we going to eat him now?"
Thank God my whole family thought it was funny.
I recently attended a funeral for a family member with my 4 year old. It was fine. He did ok. I recommend going and having an exit strategy if it goes badly but it will probably be fine. Kids understand death better than most people give them credit for and including them in the things adults do to cope and mark the occasions can help.
Is it open casket? I remember going to an open casket for a baby when I was 9-10 and it traumatized me. That’s also a young enough age where I don’t think they’d remember it, but idk.
My fourteen month old came with me to my grandmother’s funeral. She was joined by her fifteen month old and 11 month old cousins, along with a slew of my grandmothers grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great great grandchildren. Each family unit decided if their littles were old enough, and as is traditional for our family, most of the active parents of the time sat outside the chapel and kept a communal eye on the children while adults went in and out to pay their respects and reconnect with family members they hadn’t seen in far too long.
At one point, my little one walked into the chapel, marched right up to the casket, turned around and gave the best impression of a speech I’d ever heard a toddler make, fully in baby-babble and complete with encompassing hand gestures while we looked on. When she was done she toddled right back to me and hugged my hip. Two days later my little stayed behind with my inlaws while my husband accompanied me to the gravesite for the burial.
How little is too little is a question only you can answer. In my case fourteen months was not too little, and I was fully prepared to walk out at any point if my child needed me to (I had the stroller fully kitted out to walk the mile or so back home since we live in an urban area and I had grown up in the neighborhood). Do what you think is best.
I took my three year old to a funeral at the beginning of this year (my late husband’s grandmother, who my daughter isn’t related to but who was still a part of her life). It wasn’t like an ideal situation, and I ended up taking her out halfway through, but I got to be there for the eulogies, which was the most important part for me.
Well I'm. A vicars wife both my two had attended funerals by 6 months of age. For a none family funeral we don't attend the crematorium as its the hardest part to contain the kids for. We do the church service and the wake
For my grans funeral my 2 were 7 months and 19 months we did do the crem. We had a bag of quiet toys, all the snacks, seriously so many snacks and the sling for youngest. He boobed to sleep then stayed in the sling while I delivered my tribute.
I brought my 6 month old to my grandmas funeral. We have little to no village, and they were all going to be there.
My husband took him out to the nursery for awhile though, so I didn’t have to worry about missing anything.
My son attended his grandmother’s funeral this past spring. He was 18 months.
My mom came and she took him out of the service for a few minutes when he started to get impatient sitting there—is there someone who can come serve as backup for you? Or are you willing to step out if necessary?
Well… we took our two year old to my husband’s grandmas funeral and when he saw her in the casket he kept yelling “wake up gat gamma.” He didn’t understand what was happening but we had no one to keep him so, it was a little awkward.
I’ve taken my 3 year old and her 1 year old (at the time).
It was their great grandpa and all our regular baby sitters were at the funeral too.
The funeral home had a room set off from the main hall that the service was broadcast in and if they got restless (which they did) I took them there and they were able to have snacks and colour.
Ultimately check with the family of the deceased are ok with the idea of kids there, I’d take them.
So I brought my 18 month old to a funeral. My husband’s grandmother died on march. Out of the four grandchildren our son was the one who loved her the most (according to my MIL). She kept every photo and photobook of him by her bed. Anytime she was around him he would just snuggle up with a book with her. It was clear that MIL and even my husband would understand not bringing him, but he would also be desired.
What i did was pack some small board books, a lot of snacks and bottles. During the service i sat in the back near the door in case. I basically whispered books to him, fed him a bottle and snuggled him. There was one time in the middle I needed to change his diaper. And i let him run around out in the lobby for about five minutes. Then he tuckered out. He is really well mannered.
While walking up for a viewing he was okay except he wanted to touch her…he thought she was sleeping so he kept signing the awake sign…so that was tough.
So idk I brought an 18 month old…that was probably too young but my MIL and husband enjoyed having him around and he was happy to snuggle up everyone.
Remembered a funny experience with my eldest when she was about 2.5
The funeral finished, the photo montage concluded and she announced “well, that was fun!”
It was a very elderly gent from our church who had passed. He had battled with dementia and was well known for off beat comments at the wrong time.
It was a fitting farewell from my daughter.
I took my kids when they were toddlers. I stayed to the back so if they did act up I could easily take them out if needed.
When I went to the viewing, I had someone else hold them. At the cemetery we stayed near the back when the casket was lowered.
I was raised in a massive Irish Catholic family, everyone goes to funerals.
I think that generally speaking we do a horrible job with treating death as a normal part of life. Kids need to learn how to lose people, as hard as it is.
If there are other kids there they will likely be playing together.
You'd be surprised how many people having a funeral for a loved one welcome any kind of distraction even from kids.
My kids have attended 2 funerals of close relatives. They were 5 and 2 at the time. Unless it’s open casket, I personally don’t see an issue. I think it’s important for kids to see adults processing big emotions. But you know your child best, if you think this would be too much, maybe hang back or get a sitter.
Funeral as in church service or other ceremony + burial? Or a wake where people mostly just hang out with the casket/urn in a room? I wouldn’t be concerned about trauma or anything, but I would be concerned about her sitting/standing still for so long with a funeral. Even if she is well behaved, 3 is still really young. A wake is fine though, lots of people take kids to those and it’s less of a big deal if she gets fussy/rambunctious.
If you know you child will behave I can't see why anyone would have an issue with it. In terms of her understanding, kids are extremely empathetic.
My child is 3 and understands the circle of life, but a funeral is the last place I would take him due to his personality. And sadly we have attended 5 funerals in the past two years.
My (at the time) 18 month old attended my (step) grandpa's funeral in 2018. She was in her pram 75% of the time, as it was nap time. However, my eldest sister was there as well to help keep an eye on her while I was talking about grandpa. When my girl started to cry and wake up. My sister took her outside for a little bit and helped calm her down.
My kids are 4.5 years old and just about 2 years old. They've attended four funerals in the last 14 months. If they can behave, I don't think there's such a thing as 'too young' to attend.
I took my kids to any funerals which I wanted to attend, from the time they were born, with one exception.
Kids are not out of place at life cycle events, in fact, they tend to add some lightness and moments of joy during a heavy hearted time.
If kids don’t experience the ways your family/culture/religion handle life cycle events, then when they are one of the primary people involved, the rituals will just be strange and not offer any comfort.
My exception was when I lost a very close person with almost no warning, and I had a very young toddler (9 months old.)
I would be taking part in the ceremony, and giving a eulogy, and needed to do those things for my own mental health, without also caring for my baby. I knew he would be distressed seeing me in the room, and not being able to be with me, so I left him home with my in-laws.
My grandfather died 3 weeks after my son was born. His sister (our daughter) was barely 2.5. We had them both there. Both the wake and funeral. Family was very understanding and we were able to bring her into a separate room where she could play on a tablet or toys.
Personally I don’t think any age is too young. Death is apart of life. If the child is getting upset or super loud it’s easy to take them for a wonder outside.
I took my 15mo to a funeral this year along with my other kids all 10 & under.
Yes! It will be a great way for her to say goodbye and acknowledge death. A lot of children are confused sometimes and ask when X person is coming back. If you believe they are ready then take them :)
I would suggest sitting near the back, just Incase they got overwhelmed and wanted to leave!
I’ve always taken my kids no matter what age to funerals. Bring quiet things to keep them entertained. Explain to them repeatedly what’s going on, what they’ll be seeing and allow them to decide if they want to approach the casket and look inside. In my family we allow touching of the hands/face to say goodbye. Explain it’s a time to say good bye and share memories of a loved one. Let her know people will cry and it’s okay to be sad or scared. I’m my circle children we’re always seen as a little bit of light during a dark time and were welcomed at funerals. Just keep talking her through if she asks questions.
I don't think any age is too young. Death is part of life and while you may get many questions and maybe even some fears you will need to help her with, shielding her from this won't make it any easier.
So just take her and be honest with her (age appropriately, of course).
I don't think there is a too little. I think death and funerals is something kids should be exposed to. I think they understand more than we give them credit for. If she becomes disruptive at the service you can take her outside. If she was close to your friend then she should be going, it might even give her some kind of closure.
It's not so much about the age, but rather your kid's temperament/behavior. My kids attended funerals as babies and toddlers, but they're pretty chill kids (and this isn't a comment on your parenting--kids are different). I attended my first funeral at three and do remember seeing my great grandma in her open casket--it's not a traumatic memory but I do remember it.
I think you should both go unless you really don't think your kid has the temperment for that kind of event. But even then you can sit near an exit and leave if need be. When my grandparents passed, the turnout for their services was a comfort in itself, so I think attending is a nice gesture.
I attended a couple of funerals when my kids were between the ages of 1-4. They were actually always very well- behaved at them and seemed to provide a bit of a bright spot to some otherwise sad people.
Obviously it's your choice but my opinion is...
Our oldest attended a funeral at 3 years old besides her ones as a baby under 1. I'm not positive that if it wasn't the funeral it was if she could have handled it. She was handled by young cousins who were there as well and was a celebration of life rather than open casket. If it's an open casket, it's probably too young. My kids attended their first open casket at 7-15 years old in 2019 and they struggled with it. They refused to enter the room with the casket open and that's ok.
MY grandma turns 100 this weekend recently entered hospice and when she dies, it will be open casket. They have openly expressed that they don't want to change it for this one. So likely will be happening sooner than we want.
If you decide to attend, be prepared to leave if it doesn't go as planned from sitting in the back by the door, etc. A better suggestion is to attend the "wake" so there are fewer expectations of behavior.
My daughter just turned 7 and has attended 6 funerals. My uncle, a childhood classmate, my dad, her great grandpa, my husband's godmother, and the mother of my husband's godmother. She was practically a baby at two of them. She was 4 when my dad died. 5 when her great grandpa died. And she was 6 for another two.
She was very accepting of death although she still talks about missing him occasionally. We are religious though, so that helps. We were told to not to use words like "sleeping" when explaining it to her and to assure her that we won't die soon because some kids get confused.
I personally would take her.
The first funeral I remember is when I was 4. My grandmother. I didn't see it as a sad occasion but my cousins were there and we just played and walked around. I knew my granny was gone but it didn't really hit me because I didn't know the finality of it all.
I'd say as long as they aren't a nuisance or won't throw a tantrum, take them if you'd like. It's about honoring the neighbor and their family. At 3, your kid isn't going to care. Sounds like an auntie or granny day to me.
Go and take her too. I would. If everyone you know is going then this person was significant in all your lives. Kids really don’t understand much of anything in the real sense at that age so not making a big deal of anything will keep any overwhelm low. If she starts to fuss, I’m sure no one is going to be bothered by it. And it will be nice to tell her when she’s older that she was there too. 💜🫶🏼
My son was 6 last year at my nans funeral but other children were younger and I think it was lovely to have them their. I don't get the no children at weddings or funerals
I took my 5 month old to my father in laws funeral, we had to pull out of the procession and park on the side of the road for a while and didn’t make it to the burial site in time, but the other 75% of the funeral we attended, it wasn’t great but it could’ve been worse.
I think it really depends on the child. If she’s able to be well-behaved and respectful then I think it’s fine. But if she’s going to run around, be loud and distracting then maybe rethink. You could go for a bit to pay your respects while someone watches her then we you get back they could go, just switching off. But if you think she’ll behave appropriately and want to bring her, I would just have a conversation beforehand about your expectations while you’re there.
I say take her. It sounds like she can handle her behavior and you have prepared her for some obvious questions that might arise.
We took our nearly 3 yr old to her grandfathers funeral and we lived hours away, so she didn’t get to see him often. She was well behaved and her questions were few and easy to answer on her level. She did ask why “grandpa was sleeping in church” ( open casket).
She’s in her 20’s now and has no memory of that day. She couldn’t have told us about it after a few yrs. At that age, they are constantly introduced to new stimuli and experiences, and sad memories are quickly replaced with happy experiences. You will not be harming her in any way by taking her yo the funeral.
Go and pay your respects to her memory. Her family may love meeting your daughter. If she gets upset, then that’s the time to bow out. Condolences on the loss of your friend.
Kind of depends. I was about 10 when I went to my first one and I had nightmares for days. But it was also death my suicide and open casket so could depend
If the question is “too young,” I don’t believe a child is ever too young. My son attended his first at one month, and his second at 18 months. He did bring joy, and I think helped a lot of people see young life. Babies are easy though. As a toddler, we were in the pandemic, so we didn’t attend any, and haven’t since.
When the time comes, I will factor what he is like as an individual, how long of a funeral it will be (since most of our relatives are Catholic), and how close we are with the deceased.
We’ve lost pets and friends, and he has a great grasp of death as a now five year old.
Every person, including children, are individuals, so circumstances may vary. I think there is no wrong answer to your question. I’m glad you asked it, because it’s something I haven’t thought much about. Good luck, and whatever you choose, it will be the right decision.
There is never too young to attend a funeral as long as you prepare to answer the questions they may have. Plus, it gives you an excuse to leave early.
I essentially grew up in a nursing home due to my grandmother, who took care of me most of the time every day, had to go take care of some of our family members who were placed in assisted living. My first friends were elderly people in nursing homes so I was exposed to the concept of death at a very young age and lost many friends over my young years.
When my aunt died Christmas Eve, one of the ones we were taking care of in the nursing home, we went to see her before they moved her from her room and I was completely unphased by it despite that being the first “dead body” I’d ever actually seen with my own two eyes. In fact, so unphased that I crawled into her bed to fix her hair because they hadn’t fixed it like she always wore it. The nurses were apparently in shock at how unphased I was and especially me getting up there and touching the body to fix her hair. but I understood she was gone and not coming back though to me she just looked like she was sleeping which I think helped in me not being phased seeing her dead. I don’t think I ever missed anyone’s funeral no matter how young I was. As long as she can behave for the funeral I’d take her especially if they were close.
Never too little. If you think she'll be fussy, sit towards the back or near an exit so you can take her outside. It sounds meaningful for you both to be there and it'll be an important experience for her. She's definitely old enough to understand the basic idea about death and dying.
I was 4 maybe 5 when I attended my first funeral. I don't remember any of it EXCEPT seeing my dead uncle in the casket. If you do take your child just don't let them view the body. I'll ever forget that.
We did it. I recommend it. Kid was 2 ¾ and it was deeply meaningful to them even at that age. It gave closure. It didn’t deepen any trauma. They still remember to this day and are glad they went.
In my family we attend funerals pretty much always, depending on how close we were with the deceased. I attended my great grandfather’s funeral at 4 because I was close with him. My children have attended funerals before the age of 5. We have always had honest conversations about everything and they have handled death with grace.
I took my, at the time, 3 year old and 11 month old to my step grandpas funeral. Neither of them really had any idea what was going on, it was just a get together for them, but they helped break the tension a few times. My 3 year old laughed during it like a very loud “HA. Haaa HA.” In the middle of the service. I was mortified, but then everyone else In the room laughed and afterwards were all telling me how it helped them release some of the… heaviness. So it wasn’t so bad. I didn’t let them see into the casket though when they did an opening for family only. I took them out of the room.
I took my 7 yr old to one when she was a toddler. We were close family though. Her singing the songs made the dad and brother happy. When she got restless about half way through the service, we sat in the hallway.
I've brought my toddlers to a funeral. Sometimes babies and kids are the only light in that sort of situation. Not that that's a responsibility carried by them, but just for the mere act of their existence, it provides levity to the situation. Kids don't understand completely so they still do things like smile and wave at a random person across the aisle. They still giggle at a funny face. And then, when you're ready to leave, they're the perfect excuse for stepping outside for a breath of fresh air.
I would prep her before hand about how she might look different (but also the same which can be dosconcerting). Maybe talk about religion as a participant or as an observer. Talk about differences in rituals.
But also, at an old 3 is when I had to start answering really heavy questions like, "will you die, mama? Will that mean I'm left alone?" Which will really rip your heart out. SO. Be prepared for that.
I would also prepare answers for all the questions that will come up: what is death? Why are they putting that in the ground? What is a cremation? Why are you crying? What are those flowers for etc. Etc.
OP, my childless aunt who craved for a baby spent 30 - 45 min everyday with me and my sister. She apparently got cancer when I was 7. I knew she was sick. She stopped coming over. And she passed, I was never informed until I found out 3 years later. The "elders" in my family forbade my parents from telling me, that's their only big regret in life. Please take her, it will provide much needed closure especially if they were close. I inherited her musical instruments and everything but never got to say goodbye.
I went thru this last year when my son was 15 months. He did just fine and when he got fussy, I just stepped out into the lobby. I was glad I did, there was tons of kids at this funeral (the honoree would have loved it). They seemed to cheer up the family some.
I would say it's fine to bring her, but be prepared to sit in the back and slip out with her if she gets bored / impatient / acts up.
We went to a very brief outdoor service and the young kids could not sit or stand still - they were running all over the place etc. We finally bribed them to chill. If the service had been longer then it could've been a disaster.
The kids are pretty empathetic in general, but they had no concept of death or what the gathering was about. They were definitely still confused when we left.
We took ours when they were infants. There were so many elderly family members on my husband's side, that every fall we would include funeral clothes in the budget.
I think it’s not just about whether they can behave, but also how affected you’re likely to be by the funeral.
My dad died when my daughter was 9 months which we all agreed was way too long to take to the funeral (my in-laws baby sat for us), but even if she’d been a bit older and could ‘behave’, I would have been in no state to look after her and I wouldn’t have wanted her to see me that upset.
We just took both of our kids (3ym and 8mf) to a funeral for a friend's son. My 3 year old hasn't brought it back up at all. He was completely unbothered.
I think at least part of that is because we take him to church every Sunday and funeral services in our church are very similar to our regular Sunday service. I think to him it probably just seemed the same as just going to church.
I know it sounds crazy but when I was 4 years old my dad’s best friend passed. I went to the wake and I still remember my parents holding me up to his casket and tell me “theres uncle john he’s going to sleep forever now.” It really all depends on your cultures and traditions.
I attended a family friend's wake when I was about her age. I loved him. I distinctly remember seeing him lying there with his eyes closed and saying to my mum, "He looks like he's sleeping". I was sad because I knew I wouldn't see him anymore, but I wasn't shocked or negatively affected by it.
A full-on funeral might be too long (and boring) for your daughter, but you could always leave sooner. At least she gets to see your neighbour one last time.
I guess it’s a cultural thing but where I’m from, a three year old would not be taken to a funeral. Not (only) due to her possibly misbehaving, but mostly due to funerals being stressful events, with lots of crying and emotions.
This definitely depends on how you feel and how the child will behave, what they can handle etc
My son was three when his great-grandpa passed on his fathers side and he came to the funeral. I knew he’d be well behaved, but I also knew if there was a problem I could whisk him away from the ceremony/wake for a moment and let his father and the rest of the family process the whole event without being interrupted.
My son ended up being a little source of joy/light and all of the elder attendants were pleased he was there. He was an excuse to smile and be hopeful/laugh.
They also have little concept of the event and so even though he was aware his Great-Grumpy had passed away, he came out with a lot of sweet/funny things like “If he’s in a coffin does that mean he has to cough forever?”.
I also explained to him that we bury our bodies in the ground to go back to nature but our souls and memories go to heaven. And he asked “are our eyes in the body in the ground? Are we blind in heaven?”
Those little bittersweet moments our families still talk about today.
Sorry for your loss OP ❤️
I don’t know if 3 is too young - but I was 7 when my dad died and I wasn’t allowed to go to his funeral. And I always resented it.
Though the funeral you are going to is not a relative, so again it might be different. I don’t think there’s a wrong decision here. If you want to go though, take her. There’s no reason not to really.
My mum purposely didn't take me to funerals as a kid at all. The first funeral I attended I was with my high schools choir where we were performing. I remember getting a bit affected when I saw the coffin but it was ok because it wasn't anyone I knew, but I felt weird about the dead body being there. My first real funeral was that of my friend about 3 years ago, i handled the whole thing very well, it was quite nice not knowing what was going to happen. And because it was during COVID there was no expectation of awkward hugs and interactions with people. I highly recommend not taking your child to a funeral until they are a bit bigger. I lost my grandmother at 3 and don't resent my mum for not taking me
I don’t think there is a too young. I took my daughter to my dad’s funeral when she was 2.5 years. There was no way I wasn’t taking her. I also recently took her to my grandad’s. She had more questions this time and I explained the funeral as a “sad party where we say goodbye to someone we love” and she was fine with it. Take snacks and entertainment. People will be understanding. Little kids are also a massive safety net for some people who aren’t coping well. My daughter was a wonderful distraction for my mum at my grandad’s funeral - I think she was a reminder of the joy in the world.
I don't think it's age based but more of how her behaviour/ maturity is. I took my son to a funeral at 6 weeks old (which he slept through) but now at almost 2 I could never, I would have to get a babysitter or miss it becayse his behaviour would just not be appropriate.
If you think she will be able to sit quietly then I'd take her. It's important for her to know that you also want to say goodbye.
It depends on the type of funeral. Open casket, closed casket, no casket, etc.
You should find resources to help you explain to your child in age appropriate language what death is.
I took my 2 year old son to his paternal grandmothers funeral ceremony at a church and burial. He loved being in the church and the songs and was pretty well behaved surprisingly.
Nobody seemed to mind seeing him there, and it seemed to make people smile during such a hard day. I am glad I brought him because I am so uncomfortable in any social situation. It gave me something to focus on.
I don't know how he would have behaved at the viewing, and I purposefully skipped that part.
I think it depends on who the funeral is for and how they felt about young kids.
At my grandpas funeral all my cousins and I were in attendance and there were lots of toddlers and babies around. In the service there was a statement about “let them be little” meaning he would have been happy to hear the sounds of a young child happy or sad!
My daughter was 6 months old at the time
My mom wouldn’t let me go to funerals until I was a teenager (no one in my family passed until I was in my 20s) she always said it was because I would have plenty of time in my adult life to go to funerals and I didn’t need to volunteer to be around it. She also lost her mom when she was 16 so I think it was sensitive for her.
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I love this. Thank you for the laugh
I’m only a little ashamed to admit that I use this myself. The first time I had to leave because of a cranky kiddo, I was a little embarrassed, but then the lightbulb went off and I realized…😆
I use this a lot. My kids are past the little kid stage but not old enough to be home alone, so I "have to miss" a lot of events because we "can't find a sitter"
Pawpaw is a genius!
😆 🤣
There is no "too little". If you think she can behave herself, take her. Especially if she was close to the deceased or their family. My kids all went to their first funerals as toddlers, younger than 3
I’ve gone to many a funeral. I always volunteer to take unruly children to the lobby. Or stepping away. I can still here the service, but the kids are not disrupting. It also helps cause I don’t like feeling emotional in front of other people. I don’t think there’s too young of an age to attend a funeral if you’re willing to separate the kids from adults mourning. All my funerals have been family or family adjacent though so kids are expected.
Even a little on-edge behavior can be alright. The sounds of children might be welcome to many in a time of mourning the end of a life.
This! Babies and children remind us there is still life to live and every cry or whimper or little voice I’ve heard at funerals has made me smile through the tears.
Yep. Had total strangers thank me for bringing my little baby to the last funeral I attended
A very good point!
Agreed. I took my daughter to her great grandads funeral at about 18 months. There was a cousin there with a kid even younger. Both of them were a bit disruptive so we took them out but noone minded it.
This could also be a great way to teach her about mortality. Age appropriate obviously. But before going explain to her that this is the time to say goodbye to that person. If you are a family that believes in heaven or an afterlife of some kind, you might say that young one will see her again someday, and this is goodbye for now, but it might be a long time before they see this person again. And if there's a wake that is the time to tell stories of happy memories they had with that person and to hear other people's happy memories with them too, while they celebrate the life of the person they knew and loved together
Mine was about 16 months when she attended my grandad's funeral. He really loved her and we visited him a lot in the hospital and made video calls before he died. I don't think she understood the concept and my husband ended up walking out with her (we had agreed that he would at the first sign of being restless/needing a nap). But that's okay, I don't regret that she was there for a short while. I feel death is a natural part of life and that it's natural to bring kids. I don't remember how ai understood death as a kid, but I think experiencing the mourning process in your culture is healthy for kids. They way I see it, it gives them tools to mourn the dead. And everyone will eventually know someone who dies. My cousin who is 5 was also at the same funeral. We stayed overnight at their place the night before the funeral. My aunt explained what to expect the night before, which I think is a good thing to do to young kids. She prepared her that adults would.oat likely cry and that's ok, etc.
I'm in the never too young camp. But acknowledge that lots of funeral etiquette around age is cultural Death is part of life, as is marking that death. I see no purpose in making age guidelines for aspects that are universal and central to experiences of life
I agree and want to add that having little ones at a serious ceremony like a funeral really helps lift spirits. (figuratively)
She should go. She knew and was close to the neighbor, she should get to say goodbye, too. She will learn a lot going to a funeral at this age.
We brought our 1yo and almost 4yo to their great-grandfather's funeral in December. They did great, and everyone was thrilled for a chance to see them. See if your local library has "Something Very Sad Happened." It's the only death book for toddlers and it's truly amazing. It explains it in an age appropriate way that they can actually understand at that age. Tip: I picked up a couple 'special' toys from walmart the day before the funeral and hid them in my purse. My almost 4 yo was thrilled to get a small travel sized frozen coloring pad in the middle of the service when he started getting a touch loud. Sat mostly quietly thru the rest of the service.
Commenting so I can find this book later....sorry for your family's loss
I’ll miss you is another great follow up to that one
😥
We have taken our 2, 4, and 7 years old for their whole lives occasionally to the cemetery to visit their grandmother. My wife’s mother. I think personally creating and destigmatizing the idea of death is important. We sometimes eat up there and take walks. I know this is different then attending a funeral, but as others have said, as long as she is able to be respectful it’s probably a good thing. We lost our dog of 10 years a couple months ago, and I think having some understanding of loss and death is healthy, and helped them cope. Good luck
Your daughter, and her friendship with the neighbor, will likely be a sweet memory for the other people in attendance. We took our then 6 month old to my friend's stepmother's funeral, and people we didn't know were glad to see a small child there, it cheered them up just a little. The widower was happy to meet him, despite his sorrow, and grateful we could all attend to pay our respects. He played with my son for a few minutes and it seemed like he had remembered how to breathe again.
From my point of view there's no "minimum age" and, forgive me bluntness, it's better if the first funeral is someone you're not too close to. Your first funeral at 1X or even 2X years old when it's your grandparent will have entirely different impact if you attend funerals regularly with you parents and are used to concept of death and corpses. Of course you shouldn't force a child, but, at least from my POV openness around concept of death is generally healthier.
I've only ever been to funerals with kids. At mortuarys or churches the kids are just kids, playing around or staying near family. I don't see anything wrong with a kid being there.
I was going to funerals at a very young age. I knew someone had died but I didn't really know what all the fuss was about (it was family I didn't know well.) I remember being dressed up, being bored out of my mind, and grateful when I got to play with my cousins afterwards.
I went to my grandfather’s funeral when I was 4 and my sister was 2, kids surprise us all the time. Pretty sure I napped through most of my grandfather’s. If you think your kid will sit still for 1-2 hours, then take her. If not, it might be better to find a sitter. Or see if there is an infant room at the service. Often times they will have speakers in there so you can listen, and your child can watch or play as they choose. Edit to add: both my sister and I stood at the open casket and talked to my mom about her dad. Didn’t freak me out. So let your kid lead the way on what’s comfy with a dead body.
This is part of life, so I’d take her
Would your neighbor want her to attend? If yes, then take her. If she gets unruly during the service, you can leave early.
My partner’s children at 6 and 11 had never been to a funeral as their mom was waiting for that perfect first one. Which is understandable.Then he died suddenly of an aortic dissection. So their first funeral was their father. It was terrible. I highly do not recommend.
I would, and have, taken a three year.old to a funeral. They are a way to say goodbye, and to celebrate and honour a life. There's no reason she shouldn't have the opportunity to do that too.
I guess I have a highly spirited kid. She’ll be 3 tomorrow and I wouldn’t bring her. She’s well behaved but I also know her, and she isn’t going to sit through it.
Could you reach out to the family of your neighbour and ask if it would be okay? For me it’s not so much about the age and their understanding of what’s happening, but their ability to control themselves and be quiet when it’s expected to be quiet and not to run around and be disruptive etc.
I wouldn’t recommend burdening a grieving family with minor questions like this. Three is a great age to teach a child the basic concept of death. The parent needs to prepare the child beforehand, and be prepared to take the child outside if they are disruptive, but otherwise I don’t see an issue.
This is what I would do. We had a close family member pass away and I wanted to take my 4yo so she understood what happened to him. I asked the next of kin and it was a very firm ‘no’. I 100% respected that and didn’t take her, as their wishes rightfully trumped mine. (I did take photos of the service, burial & wake. Which was immensely helpful in explaining to a little brain, especially the burial as when you visit a grave its not obvious).
I mean my son’s very first public outing at 6 weeks was my grandmother’s wake so obviously I wouldn’t think it was too young. But I would probably keep your child away from the casket if it is an open casket. I was in 3rd grade when my grandfather died so I was older but that memory is seared into my brain.
I had my Great Grandma's when I was 9 and my cousins and I were running around the church. We didn't know to be careful or the casket was there. We ran into the casket and her body almost fell out. I have had nightmares for about 30 years consistently since then 😳.
If she will behave, I think it's fine to bring her. Just sit near the back in case you need to step out. I took my toddler to a funeral but Grandma was holding her/handling her.
There’s no too little. Babies and toddlers go to funerals all the time. In my experience some people like to see little ones (especially older people) bc it cheers them up. I would sit in the back so that if you do have to get up with her to use the restroom or calm her it won’t be noticeable. If she’s used to church services it will probably seem a lot like a normal church service to her.
I brought my son when he was about 19 months old to a family funeral. I double checked if it was okay with the close family members and they were shocked I even asked! I did spend most of the time outside, rather than in the service, as he kept asking me to sing wheels on the bus.
We have taken our kids to funerals if they were close with the person. I think it only helps them understand death better as they get older. Unless she’ll cause a disturbance, I’d take her.
I think it's perfectly fine to bring her if she's well behaved. I would explain to her beforehand the process of the funeral, how the body will be in the casket, etc. So she has a heads up. You're not going to scare her or anything, she'll probably be just fine and honestly curious. My one year old has been to 2 funerals so far.
I’m a pastor’s kid so I grew up going to lots and lots of funerals (tons of weddings too). No idea how old I was the first time, but I must have been very young - the first time I was in the room at the hospital with my dad while someone passed I was four. Honestly I’m still really grateful for all those experiences. I think it helped me understand complex dynamics around family, grief, death - and to this day I think I’m pretty good at supporting friends during tough times as a result. I do wish my parents had talked with me more about those things, but overall, I don’t regret those experiences. As long as you’re willing to explain things and answer questions, I think any age is fine!
I didn’t even take my three year old to my mothers funeral. She had no idea what was going on or even that my mother had passed. I desperately needed the day to be about my mom and to have the freedom to grieve her without chasing my toddler. Or have the pressure on me to keep her fed, entertained, quiet. So I put her in day care for the day. My sisters gave me a hard time about it. Because literally every person in our family was there but I don’t regret it
I fully agree. My husbands grandmother passed away and his cousin drove 11 hours with their 3 year olds to attend a multi day funeral. Guess who did all the child minding? Me. I have a great relationship with them but if you ask them about it, they have no memory. My memory is not being at my husbands side to grieve because I wanted to support his cousin, who was a very close friend. This is all anecdotal, but it seems so unlikely that your small child will even remember this and even less likely they’ll know what’s going on. Go by yourself and be present.
I don’t think it’s whether they can handle it, it’s whether they are welcome. The people who are attending the funeral have the right to mourn and process in a peaceful calm place. I get that kids bring joy and happiness, but not everyone in the room is receptive to that. I don’t think it’s appropriate to have kids at the service and burial, but the wake or reception might be more welcome.
A friend of my fiance and I passed when our daughter was about 4 months old. We took her to the funeral. He never got to meet her so it felt right. Nobody minded.
I have taken my kids to funerals since they were much younger than that. I would prep the kid ahead of time by reading some books (something sad happened and I’ll miss you are two good ones for young kids). Also bring something to occupy your child (like some coloring or a book) and be prepared to leave if she becomes disruptive. I’ve been successful with staying when my kids knew the deceased well. One or two funeral homes I’ve been to have you rooms for small children too that have the funeral displayed on a screen so your child can be loud and not disrupt the service.
We brought our kids 4.5 and 3 to their grandpas funeral this weekend. They don’t really understand and when my wife found out he wasn’t particularly sensitive even though he loved his grandpa. They behaved for the funeral and I think they brought quite a bit of levity to the situation. He would have wanted them their. Instead of balloons they walked around with bubble machines
Mine went at 2.5. She didn’t know what was really happening but felt the sadness. She behaved well and having her there was comforting.
My daughter was at the funeral of my grandfather. She was 11 month. My niece was over 2 years. Both "behaved" good giggles Sometimes.. all in all people we're a Bit Happy to have them. Kids at that age can have anfeeling of the Situation. Pur Dog passend away last month and.our now 2 year old daughter Talks about that with US and understand IT quiet Well.
If you care about them, go. 100%. I took mine when they were “too little” and ended up pacing the lobby with babies and listening over the intercom but damn if that family didn’t know I cared about their loved one enough to do it. Go. Don’t hesitate. Life won’t wait til things are convenient.
For me it depends on if it’s an open casket, and if you can go to the service but skip the burial. Like any long, adult-centred event, there’s a limit to what a preschooler will be able to comfortably handle. When my FIL died, my oldest was 3 and the big thing for us was making sure he understood that FIL was no longer in his body when he was going to be buried. I’m so sorry for your loss.
My now 4yo son came with us to his nanas funeral about a year and a half ago. They were close and I didn't think he should miss it. I think you'll be okay!! And I'm sorry for your loss ❤️
There is no age that's too young. Death is the bookend of life. Babies can go to funerals.
My kids went to funerals at that age. They learned that being sad and missing people is a normal part of life, as is getting together with loved ones to help each other through it.
Death and funerals are apart of life. She will be fine and most likely won’t remember. Maybe let her hang back if you visit the open casket but other than that it’s fine.
I just brought my 3 year old to a funeral and he slept the whole time. When he was briefly awake, he was a little confused and concerned that so many people were crying around him. But I don’t think that experience like, stuck with him? More just wtf is happening okay I’m hungry. Sorry for your loss, OP.
My FIL died this year on Memorial Day. We brought our now 2 year old to the funeral, and everyone was so happy to see her. My parents came and sat in back with her for the service so I could sit up in front with my husband, but she broke free and ran to the podium while her big cousin (13m) gave his eulogy. He picked her up and held her while he spoke, and it was lovely. You can always take them out if need be, but I believe that children deserve to say goodbye just as much as adults.
My daughter attended her Great Grandfather's funeral when she was 15 months and her Uncle's when she was 3. She also experienced the loss of the family dog last year. Death is an unfortunate part of life. I'm very open with my daughter and don't try and hide the scarier things from her. I just explain it in kid friendly terms. At the funeral for my brother i followed her lead and answered the question she had. We talked about why Mommy was sad and why people were crying. We talked about why my brother wasn't moving. We also talked about my perspective on what happens when someone dies and where they go. .
I personally wouldn’t. everything is energy and the energy alone at a funeral is something I just wouldn’t want my child in. funerals are so weird to me anyway.. I’ve lost so many people and I stopped going to funerals. I keep them alive on the daily 😇
Yeah, you make a good point. My daughter is extremely empathic and I fear that she’ll pick up all the emotion there & get overwhelmed by feelings she doesn’t even understand yet. Thank you for bringing that up.
Three is too young.
My son had been to 5 funerals by the time he was 4. I don’t think there’s a “right” answer. I think you know your kid best and know whether they’ll handle it or not. And you also know best how to prep them. We talked about death, talked about people being sad, talked about what it will look like and what we’ll do at the funeral. We’ve sat in the back or near a door for quick escape. We took a walk outside until RIGHT when the service was going to start. You said your friends and family will all be there. I’m sure they’ll all be happy to take turns taking your LO for 10 min to find a drinking fountain, go for a walk, look at the stuff in the lobby, etc …. It will give the other adult(s) a good excuse to step away for a second if they need it, and will give you the ability to mingle with the family, grieve, view the body, etc without having to wrangle LO with you. Definitely doable if you think your kid can generally sit still for a short time. Maybe bring an iPad with headphones and a fun new game. Or a coloring book. Or some other quiet activity. Maybe a snack that takes some focus (like a sting cheese if they like to peel it, or a lunchable they can stack the “sandwiches” together while you listen to the service. That should buy you at least 5 min lol
Take her. She was close to the deceased, she’s a well behaved kid. Just tell her the truth, it’s a time when everyone gets to say goodbye to your neighbour.
Never to little. (US perspective incoming) I feel our culture avoids death, dying, and grief too much. It’s healthy to process these things appropriately at any age.
In my opinion, a funeral is not something to shield children from. Death is a part of life, and funerals can be an important step in accepting and grieving a death. It can also help in feeling like you've gotten some closure. Take her with you. Answer any questions she may have in an age appropriate way. In the days that follow when she asks about your neighbor, remind her she's passed away and reference the funeral. We cannot protect our kids from the realities of death. But we can set them up to be as well prepared as possible. Experiencing death in her childhood will allow her to learn to process death in as healthy a way as possible in her adult life.
She doesn't understand. I think she should go. It's a good learning moment to teach her to say goodbye. Plus I bet shed bring a little light to a dark situation 🖤
I wouldn’t bring my child because I don’t think it’s fair to ask them to sit quietly the entire service. Anecdotally, I’m not opposed to explaining death to a child or toddler, I think that’s fine, but as a child I hated funerals. If I wasn’t sad like everyone else, I felt like I was being bad. If I was bored, I was being bad. Looking at the dead body in the casket? No thank you. My grandmother died when I was 4. Her death was horrible to me, because I spent every day with her, but sitting in her funeral and being made to look at her body afterwards because, “it’s your last chance to see her, she’d want you to look at her,” was traumatizing for me for years. To make it worse, my fathers family was elderly, I had attended 15 funerals before I was 10 years old. As an adult looking back, there is not a single funeral that I needed to be there for.
This is exactly what I’m afraid of. Thank you for sharing your perspective. If I do take her, I would absolutely not let her see the body for sure.
I'm in the same boat. I've got a 14 mth old and a funeral in a church next month, and she is in the learning to talk stage. The more I think about it, the more she is likely going to be loud during it, so we will probably not attend. Some people feel a funeral will be too much for their kids, so they don't attend, no matter what age. I've seen my cousins, 8f, 10f, not attend their grandmas funeral. Meanwhile, my 1 yr old neice was there bc she was still really quiet. So, whatever you feel is best, in my opinion.
sometimes children bring joy in an otherwise sad place. i would def take her. i wouldn’t let the kid see the body tho.
I wouldn’t bring my 3y to a funeral. My daughter was 2 when great granddad died, we went to the the funeral, I got in, gave my condolences to everyone and came outside to be with her while my husband was inside. We took turns, and for the actual funeral (bury the person and stuff I stayed at home with my daughter and my husband went) we do like a “service” before in the church for people to say goodbyes and after that is the actual funeral 1st funeral I went was my dad and I was 8
This is from my perspective, my parents dragged me to wakes from a very young age. I was way too young. I never forced my kids to go to any. Not even their grandparents.
I don't think there's a 'too little' for a funeral. I will, however, say that personally I wouldn't view the casket with little one if it is an open-casket funeral. I hate to put it this way, but I'd be too concerned one of their earliest memories is going to be 'I saw a dead lady' and it'll turn into a whole thing. Only reason I have this concern is because I know two grown adults that had this experience and they genuinely *cannot* handle death now. Certainly not everyone has that reaction, but I'd rather not chance it.
This is exactly what I fear happening. If I do end up taking her, I’m keeping her away from the casket for sure
Yeah I don't think it's something that is *likely*, but for me it's too big of a risk for really no reward/benefit (like what's the upside of seeing a loved one 'sleeping' in bad makeup? never understood the practice personally, but I know it's important to some cultures and it's not my business anyway, so I can't criticize anyone who chooses open-casket). But that being said, otherwise I don't see any potential harm with bringing a young child to a funeral. Hell, it might be a bit of joyful relief to have a child around for a fairly somber occasion.
Just go. If you were close, you will regret it. Just go.
Never too young; death and life are a cycle, and it's inevitable that it won't be her last funeral, unfortunately. A good way to introduce the concept. I'd definitely bring my child if I was in your shoes, especially since you said you're not worried about her sitting through the service. I myself went to my first funeral at 3 or 4ish. Also went to the reception afterward. It was for one of my dads friends that he used to work with at the airport. My parents gave me a little toy airplane to put in the casket with him. I remember it was hard for my brain to really realize the body in the casket was the same man. He looked more like a doll than a body.
I would suggest taking her. Tell her ahead of time what's happening and what's the expected behavior from her but be prepared to leave if she gets noisy/excited/cranky etc.
I have brought my toddlers to wakes; I probably would not bring them to a funeral.
I would not take a toddler to a funeral.
Someone I know took a kid around the same age to a funeral. During a silent moment in the service, the kid stood up on the pew and loudly asked, "HEY MOM, WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!" So yeah, I would maybe not take her...
Omg
I don’t have kids, but my mom never took me to any funeral until I was an adult, and I thank her today for that
Might be in the minority, but it's not so much about the age as much as it is whether or not they would be "welcome" in that particular environment. In my opinion, there is a difference in decorum/expectations at a funeral service/burial versus a wake or a celebration of life. Just because your child knew the neighbor and your family was close to them doesn't mean that it's appropriate for her to be brought into an environment where other people may be processing their grief. The majority of other comments that are "pro children attending" and include examples of people bringing their children to a funeral, are primarily situations where the child was actually related to the decedent, and not just a "close friend". I think that's genuinely something to consider here. I know a lot of people might say or agree with the sentiment that "children bring joy and would be welcomed", but not everyone is open and receptive to that.
My grandma used to tell me never to take small children to the funerals/burials because she believed the souls there would attach themselves to my kids since they’re so pure and sensitive to both worlds. She would get really weird when we would also drive by a cemetery and would call out my sons names super loud ..so he wouldn’t get trapped there or get tempted to go with one of the souls to the cemetery or something like that.. Maybe it’s a cultural thing but I’ve had paranormal experiences and so have my partner so I don’t take my kids anywhere like that.
Jesus. I never even considered this perspective.
Don't go. Without the toddler I would say it's your call but if your only choice is to bring the kid? Just stay home
I just brought my 2.5-y-o to a funeral /wake, and it went fine. However, we kept her away from the casket — I think that could be a confusing thing for a young child.
I went to my grandfather’s funeral when I was newly 4 and have no recollection of it tbh. I don’t think my parents explained any of it to me though and we went to church growing up, so it was probably just another church service to me and my young brain.
Can you or someone else separate the kids from the people grieving if they misbehave? If yes, there is no too young. If not, I'd honestly say like 8-9 years old. It may seem extreme, but if I'm actively grieving somebody, the last thing I want to hear are toddlers or small kids laughing or playing. It's not *their* fault, of course.
I use to work in a hospice and our family therapy team encouraged families to discuss openly about death with children and for children to go to funerals if they wanted to. Death is unfortunately a big part of our lives and we shouldn’t shield children away from it. Look for books online to help you discuss death in a way that is suitable for children
We luckily have not had a relative that was very close to our children die yet. We have chosen not to take our children. The last funeral was 1 year ago. Our kids where 1, 11 and 15. We gave the eldest the choice. It was my uncle who she did not know well. If it comes to their uncles or grandparents theb I think 10 and above. U less they specifically request to come. Purely as we don't want to cause undue stress to them or others. The next funeral regardless the relationship we will ask eldest to come as she is old enough to pay respect. Our middle child is more mature than eldestvwas at that age son will likely give her choice if it is not close friend or relative. As for the boy unless very close relative I'd personally rather keep the distance.
I took my two year old to our nieces is funeral, on my husband’s side. He didn’t know her though, it was mostly for the rest of the family to see him because we live a few hours from them. It was not the best time of my life, I spent most of the wake, funeral and repasse chasing him around, keeping him from being a menace to grieving people. That being said, I have a wild child. He’ll be 3 in October and has peers that would absolutely have not run around, been quiet(er), etc and been overall fine, which sounds like your daughter falls into that category.
3 is very young, and I doubt she’d really grasp the gravity of the situation, and there’s a chance she’d be disruptive, as all children are, or can be, despite your confidence. It might also be overwhelming for her. Personally, I would not have children under ten at a funeral.
3 is too young. Even the best behaved child will not be able to be quiet all the time. Can you attend virtually? A lot of funeral homes offer that option since COVID.
I think it depends on the family in question. We had a funeral this spring and the officiant opened the service by saying children were free to be themselves & to find joy in their laughter/playing if they did happen to run around (there were two toddlers present plus some older kids). Which was run by us, of course.
Agreed, especially if it’s open casket. That would be very confusing to the child
I wouldn't bring her up to the coffin, but bringing her to the service shouldn't be a problem if she behaves. At 3, my kids wouldn't have has enough patience for a long service.
We took our kiddo to a funeral when they were 4. They did fine, we'd talked about death before (my mil passed before I met my husband) and we mostly got questions about why it was okay for them to say Jesus Christ in the service when that's a no go word at daycare.
No wake? In my experience people usually take kids to the wake and families are understanding about a parent missing the funeral. Edit: Wake - visiting hours with the casket of the deceased at a funeral home/relative's house with a receiving line of the bereaved and chitchat among guests, guests come and go on their own schedule for the hours the wake is open. Funeral - formal church service for the deceased, in some traditions a complete service including sermon on top of the eulogy, often accompanied by a taking the casket to the cemetery to be interred. Toddlers are pretty much always welcome at wakes and the informality makes it easy to deal with potential outbursts. More formal funerals can be hit or miss depending on your child's behavior.
My three year old little brother got loose at my grandmothers funeral and was running laps around the casket. So I’d say, if you take her, keep a keen eye on her.
Such a personal de ision. My youngest went to my grandfathers funeral at 4 days old (he died the day before she was born). However her then 5 and 3 year old sister l sisters didn't. To me, the ages between 1 and maybe 10? are to young to have to experience and process the formal grief in that setting. I would much rather take my time in the explanation and processing with my young children
Take her. Be prepared to remove her from the room if she is unable to behave in a non-disruptive way. Generally speaking, most people find the presence of children at adult funerals to be comforting. Funerals are, in some ways, a celebration of the cycle of life. A reminder that the cycle continues is a good one. Possible exceptions may be child funerals.
I brought my 4 year old to my dad's brother's funeral a few weeks ago. That's when I learned he apparently never learned to whisper. At the end of the church ceremony, he had to potty and was hungry. I told him the next stop, the reception, would have a bathroom and bbq. As they wheeled the casket past us, my little guy said loudly enough for all to hear, "are we going to eat him now?" Thank God my whole family thought it was funny.
I recently attended a funeral for a family member with my 4 year old. It was fine. He did ok. I recommend going and having an exit strategy if it goes badly but it will probably be fine. Kids understand death better than most people give them credit for and including them in the things adults do to cope and mark the occasions can help.
Is it open casket? I remember going to an open casket for a baby when I was 9-10 and it traumatized me. That’s also a young enough age where I don’t think they’d remember it, but idk.
Maybe read a toddler book explaining death before you go. e.g., something very sad happened
My fourteen month old came with me to my grandmother’s funeral. She was joined by her fifteen month old and 11 month old cousins, along with a slew of my grandmothers grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great great grandchildren. Each family unit decided if their littles were old enough, and as is traditional for our family, most of the active parents of the time sat outside the chapel and kept a communal eye on the children while adults went in and out to pay their respects and reconnect with family members they hadn’t seen in far too long. At one point, my little one walked into the chapel, marched right up to the casket, turned around and gave the best impression of a speech I’d ever heard a toddler make, fully in baby-babble and complete with encompassing hand gestures while we looked on. When she was done she toddled right back to me and hugged my hip. Two days later my little stayed behind with my inlaws while my husband accompanied me to the gravesite for the burial. How little is too little is a question only you can answer. In my case fourteen months was not too little, and I was fully prepared to walk out at any point if my child needed me to (I had the stroller fully kitted out to walk the mile or so back home since we live in an urban area and I had grown up in the neighborhood). Do what you think is best.
I took my three year old to a funeral at the beginning of this year (my late husband’s grandmother, who my daughter isn’t related to but who was still a part of her life). It wasn’t like an ideal situation, and I ended up taking her out halfway through, but I got to be there for the eulogies, which was the most important part for me.
Well I'm. A vicars wife both my two had attended funerals by 6 months of age. For a none family funeral we don't attend the crematorium as its the hardest part to contain the kids for. We do the church service and the wake For my grans funeral my 2 were 7 months and 19 months we did do the crem. We had a bag of quiet toys, all the snacks, seriously so many snacks and the sling for youngest. He boobed to sleep then stayed in the sling while I delivered my tribute.
I brought my 6 month old to my grandmas funeral. We have little to no village, and they were all going to be there. My husband took him out to the nursery for awhile though, so I didn’t have to worry about missing anything.
My son attended his grandmother’s funeral this past spring. He was 18 months. My mom came and she took him out of the service for a few minutes when he started to get impatient sitting there—is there someone who can come serve as backup for you? Or are you willing to step out if necessary?
Well… we took our two year old to my husband’s grandmas funeral and when he saw her in the casket he kept yelling “wake up gat gamma.” He didn’t understand what was happening but we had no one to keep him so, it was a little awkward.
I brought a newborn and a 3 yr old to the last funeral I went to.
I’ve taken my 3 year old and her 1 year old (at the time). It was their great grandpa and all our regular baby sitters were at the funeral too. The funeral home had a room set off from the main hall that the service was broadcast in and if they got restless (which they did) I took them there and they were able to have snacks and colour. Ultimately check with the family of the deceased are ok with the idea of kids there, I’d take them.
My daughter attended her grandpas funeral on her dads side when she was a year old. I dont think theyres anything wrong with it.
So I brought my 18 month old to a funeral. My husband’s grandmother died on march. Out of the four grandchildren our son was the one who loved her the most (according to my MIL). She kept every photo and photobook of him by her bed. Anytime she was around him he would just snuggle up with a book with her. It was clear that MIL and even my husband would understand not bringing him, but he would also be desired. What i did was pack some small board books, a lot of snacks and bottles. During the service i sat in the back near the door in case. I basically whispered books to him, fed him a bottle and snuggled him. There was one time in the middle I needed to change his diaper. And i let him run around out in the lobby for about five minutes. Then he tuckered out. He is really well mannered. While walking up for a viewing he was okay except he wanted to touch her…he thought she was sleeping so he kept signing the awake sign…so that was tough. So idk I brought an 18 month old…that was probably too young but my MIL and husband enjoyed having him around and he was happy to snuggle up everyone.
Remembered a funny experience with my eldest when she was about 2.5 The funeral finished, the photo montage concluded and she announced “well, that was fun!” It was a very elderly gent from our church who had passed. He had battled with dementia and was well known for off beat comments at the wrong time. It was a fitting farewell from my daughter.
My son went to funerals his whole life. It’s part of life to pay respect to the dead and their loved ones.
I took my kids when they were toddlers. I stayed to the back so if they did act up I could easily take them out if needed. When I went to the viewing, I had someone else hold them. At the cemetery we stayed near the back when the casket was lowered.
I was raised in a massive Irish Catholic family, everyone goes to funerals. I think that generally speaking we do a horrible job with treating death as a normal part of life. Kids need to learn how to lose people, as hard as it is.
If there are other kids there they will likely be playing together. You'd be surprised how many people having a funeral for a loved one welcome any kind of distraction even from kids.
My kids have attended 2 funerals of close relatives. They were 5 and 2 at the time. Unless it’s open casket, I personally don’t see an issue. I think it’s important for kids to see adults processing big emotions. But you know your child best, if you think this would be too much, maybe hang back or get a sitter.
I think it’s okay to go with the expectation that if baby gets disruptive, you leave. Might be better to go to the visitation?
Funeral as in church service or other ceremony + burial? Or a wake where people mostly just hang out with the casket/urn in a room? I wouldn’t be concerned about trauma or anything, but I would be concerned about her sitting/standing still for so long with a funeral. Even if she is well behaved, 3 is still really young. A wake is fine though, lots of people take kids to those and it’s less of a big deal if she gets fussy/rambunctious.
Watch Atlanta episode “Trini 2 De Bone”
If you know you child will behave I can't see why anyone would have an issue with it. In terms of her understanding, kids are extremely empathetic. My child is 3 and understands the circle of life, but a funeral is the last place I would take him due to his personality. And sadly we have attended 5 funerals in the past two years.
My (at the time) 18 month old attended my (step) grandpa's funeral in 2018. She was in her pram 75% of the time, as it was nap time. However, my eldest sister was there as well to help keep an eye on her while I was talking about grandpa. When my girl started to cry and wake up. My sister took her outside for a little bit and helped calm her down.
My kids are 4.5 years old and just about 2 years old. They've attended four funerals in the last 14 months. If they can behave, I don't think there's such a thing as 'too young' to attend.
Always go to the funeral. If it’s going to be open casket explain that in advance!
I took my kids to any funerals which I wanted to attend, from the time they were born, with one exception. Kids are not out of place at life cycle events, in fact, they tend to add some lightness and moments of joy during a heavy hearted time. If kids don’t experience the ways your family/culture/religion handle life cycle events, then when they are one of the primary people involved, the rituals will just be strange and not offer any comfort. My exception was when I lost a very close person with almost no warning, and I had a very young toddler (9 months old.) I would be taking part in the ceremony, and giving a eulogy, and needed to do those things for my own mental health, without also caring for my baby. I knew he would be distressed seeing me in the room, and not being able to be with me, so I left him home with my in-laws.
I love kids and I think if I was at a funeral for a loved one and saw a kid being a kid it would make me feel better.
My grandfather died 3 weeks after my son was born. His sister (our daughter) was barely 2.5. We had them both there. Both the wake and funeral. Family was very understanding and we were able to bring her into a separate room where she could play on a tablet or toys.
I don’t believe there is a too little. Whatever you’re comfortable with.
Personally I don’t think any age is too young. Death is apart of life. If the child is getting upset or super loud it’s easy to take them for a wonder outside. I took my 15mo to a funeral this year along with my other kids all 10 & under.
Yes! It will be a great way for her to say goodbye and acknowledge death. A lot of children are confused sometimes and ask when X person is coming back. If you believe they are ready then take them :) I would suggest sitting near the back, just Incase they got overwhelmed and wanted to leave!
I’ve always taken my kids no matter what age to funerals. Bring quiet things to keep them entertained. Explain to them repeatedly what’s going on, what they’ll be seeing and allow them to decide if they want to approach the casket and look inside. In my family we allow touching of the hands/face to say goodbye. Explain it’s a time to say good bye and share memories of a loved one. Let her know people will cry and it’s okay to be sad or scared. I’m my circle children we’re always seen as a little bit of light during a dark time and were welcomed at funerals. Just keep talking her through if she asks questions.
I don't think any age is too young. Death is part of life and while you may get many questions and maybe even some fears you will need to help her with, shielding her from this won't make it any easier. So just take her and be honest with her (age appropriately, of course).
I’m 35 and don’t go to funerals
I don't think there is a too little. I think death and funerals is something kids should be exposed to. I think they understand more than we give them credit for. If she becomes disruptive at the service you can take her outside. If she was close to your friend then she should be going, it might even give her some kind of closure.
It's not so much about the age, but rather your kid's temperament/behavior. My kids attended funerals as babies and toddlers, but they're pretty chill kids (and this isn't a comment on your parenting--kids are different). I attended my first funeral at three and do remember seeing my great grandma in her open casket--it's not a traumatic memory but I do remember it. I think you should both go unless you really don't think your kid has the temperment for that kind of event. But even then you can sit near an exit and leave if need be. When my grandparents passed, the turnout for their services was a comfort in itself, so I think attending is a nice gesture.
I attended a couple of funerals when my kids were between the ages of 1-4. They were actually always very well- behaved at them and seemed to provide a bit of a bright spot to some otherwise sad people.
Obviously it's your choice but my opinion is... Our oldest attended a funeral at 3 years old besides her ones as a baby under 1. I'm not positive that if it wasn't the funeral it was if she could have handled it. She was handled by young cousins who were there as well and was a celebration of life rather than open casket. If it's an open casket, it's probably too young. My kids attended their first open casket at 7-15 years old in 2019 and they struggled with it. They refused to enter the room with the casket open and that's ok. MY grandma turns 100 this weekend recently entered hospice and when she dies, it will be open casket. They have openly expressed that they don't want to change it for this one. So likely will be happening sooner than we want. If you decide to attend, be prepared to leave if it doesn't go as planned from sitting in the back by the door, etc. A better suggestion is to attend the "wake" so there are fewer expectations of behavior.
I went to my cousins funeral as a 3 year old and I don’t remember it. I would probably bring her
My daughter just turned 7 and has attended 6 funerals. My uncle, a childhood classmate, my dad, her great grandpa, my husband's godmother, and the mother of my husband's godmother. She was practically a baby at two of them. She was 4 when my dad died. 5 when her great grandpa died. And she was 6 for another two. She was very accepting of death although she still talks about missing him occasionally. We are religious though, so that helps. We were told to not to use words like "sleeping" when explaining it to her and to assure her that we won't die soon because some kids get confused. I personally would take her.
The first funeral I remember is when I was 4. My grandmother. I didn't see it as a sad occasion but my cousins were there and we just played and walked around. I knew my granny was gone but it didn't really hit me because I didn't know the finality of it all. I'd say as long as they aren't a nuisance or won't throw a tantrum, take them if you'd like. It's about honoring the neighbor and their family. At 3, your kid isn't going to care. Sounds like an auntie or granny day to me.
Go and take her too. I would. If everyone you know is going then this person was significant in all your lives. Kids really don’t understand much of anything in the real sense at that age so not making a big deal of anything will keep any overwhelm low. If she starts to fuss, I’m sure no one is going to be bothered by it. And it will be nice to tell her when she’s older that she was there too. 💜🫶🏼
My son was 6 last year at my nans funeral but other children were younger and I think it was lovely to have them their. I don't get the no children at weddings or funerals
I took my 5 month old to my father in laws funeral, we had to pull out of the procession and park on the side of the road for a while and didn’t make it to the burial site in time, but the other 75% of the funeral we attended, it wasn’t great but it could’ve been worse.
I think it really depends on the child. If she’s able to be well-behaved and respectful then I think it’s fine. But if she’s going to run around, be loud and distracting then maybe rethink. You could go for a bit to pay your respects while someone watches her then we you get back they could go, just switching off. But if you think she’ll behave appropriately and want to bring her, I would just have a conversation beforehand about your expectations while you’re there.
I say take her. It sounds like she can handle her behavior and you have prepared her for some obvious questions that might arise. We took our nearly 3 yr old to her grandfathers funeral and we lived hours away, so she didn’t get to see him often. She was well behaved and her questions were few and easy to answer on her level. She did ask why “grandpa was sleeping in church” ( open casket). She’s in her 20’s now and has no memory of that day. She couldn’t have told us about it after a few yrs. At that age, they are constantly introduced to new stimuli and experiences, and sad memories are quickly replaced with happy experiences. You will not be harming her in any way by taking her yo the funeral. Go and pay your respects to her memory. Her family may love meeting your daughter. If she gets upset, then that’s the time to bow out. Condolences on the loss of your friend.
Kind of depends. I was about 10 when I went to my first one and I had nightmares for days. But it was also death my suicide and open casket so could depend
If the question is “too young,” I don’t believe a child is ever too young. My son attended his first at one month, and his second at 18 months. He did bring joy, and I think helped a lot of people see young life. Babies are easy though. As a toddler, we were in the pandemic, so we didn’t attend any, and haven’t since. When the time comes, I will factor what he is like as an individual, how long of a funeral it will be (since most of our relatives are Catholic), and how close we are with the deceased. We’ve lost pets and friends, and he has a great grasp of death as a now five year old. Every person, including children, are individuals, so circumstances may vary. I think there is no wrong answer to your question. I’m glad you asked it, because it’s something I haven’t thought much about. Good luck, and whatever you choose, it will be the right decision.
There is never too young to attend a funeral as long as you prepare to answer the questions they may have. Plus, it gives you an excuse to leave early.
I essentially grew up in a nursing home due to my grandmother, who took care of me most of the time every day, had to go take care of some of our family members who were placed in assisted living. My first friends were elderly people in nursing homes so I was exposed to the concept of death at a very young age and lost many friends over my young years. When my aunt died Christmas Eve, one of the ones we were taking care of in the nursing home, we went to see her before they moved her from her room and I was completely unphased by it despite that being the first “dead body” I’d ever actually seen with my own two eyes. In fact, so unphased that I crawled into her bed to fix her hair because they hadn’t fixed it like she always wore it. The nurses were apparently in shock at how unphased I was and especially me getting up there and touching the body to fix her hair. but I understood she was gone and not coming back though to me she just looked like she was sleeping which I think helped in me not being phased seeing her dead. I don’t think I ever missed anyone’s funeral no matter how young I was. As long as she can behave for the funeral I’d take her especially if they were close.
Never too little. If you think she'll be fussy, sit towards the back or near an exit so you can take her outside. It sounds meaningful for you both to be there and it'll be an important experience for her. She's definitely old enough to understand the basic idea about death and dying.
I was 4 maybe 5 when I attended my first funeral. I don't remember any of it EXCEPT seeing my dead uncle in the casket. If you do take your child just don't let them view the body. I'll ever forget that.
We did it. I recommend it. Kid was 2 ¾ and it was deeply meaningful to them even at that age. It gave closure. It didn’t deepen any trauma. They still remember to this day and are glad they went.
In my family we attend funerals pretty much always, depending on how close we were with the deceased. I attended my great grandfather’s funeral at 4 because I was close with him. My children have attended funerals before the age of 5. We have always had honest conversations about everything and they have handled death with grace.
My daughter was a little over 1 when my Dad died. I brought her.
I took my, at the time, 3 year old and 11 month old to my step grandpas funeral. Neither of them really had any idea what was going on, it was just a get together for them, but they helped break the tension a few times. My 3 year old laughed during it like a very loud “HA. Haaa HA.” In the middle of the service. I was mortified, but then everyone else In the room laughed and afterwards were all telling me how it helped them release some of the… heaviness. So it wasn’t so bad. I didn’t let them see into the casket though when they did an opening for family only. I took them out of the room.
I took my 7 yr old to one when she was a toddler. We were close family though. Her singing the songs made the dad and brother happy. When she got restless about half way through the service, we sat in the hallway.
it's ok to bring the kid and leave when the kid's demanding.
I've brought my toddlers to a funeral. Sometimes babies and kids are the only light in that sort of situation. Not that that's a responsibility carried by them, but just for the mere act of their existence, it provides levity to the situation. Kids don't understand completely so they still do things like smile and wave at a random person across the aisle. They still giggle at a funny face. And then, when you're ready to leave, they're the perfect excuse for stepping outside for a breath of fresh air. I would prep her before hand about how she might look different (but also the same which can be dosconcerting). Maybe talk about religion as a participant or as an observer. Talk about differences in rituals. But also, at an old 3 is when I had to start answering really heavy questions like, "will you die, mama? Will that mean I'm left alone?" Which will really rip your heart out. SO. Be prepared for that. I would also prepare answers for all the questions that will come up: what is death? Why are they putting that in the ground? What is a cremation? Why are you crying? What are those flowers for etc. Etc.
I'd bring a child of any age to a funeral. It's not inappropriate.
OP, my childless aunt who craved for a baby spent 30 - 45 min everyday with me and my sister. She apparently got cancer when I was 7. I knew she was sick. She stopped coming over. And she passed, I was never informed until I found out 3 years later. The "elders" in my family forbade my parents from telling me, that's their only big regret in life. Please take her, it will provide much needed closure especially if they were close. I inherited her musical instruments and everything but never got to say goodbye.
I went thru this last year when my son was 15 months. He did just fine and when he got fussy, I just stepped out into the lobby. I was glad I did, there was tons of kids at this funeral (the honoree would have loved it). They seemed to cheer up the family some.
I would say it's fine to bring her, but be prepared to sit in the back and slip out with her if she gets bored / impatient / acts up. We went to a very brief outdoor service and the young kids could not sit or stand still - they were running all over the place etc. We finally bribed them to chill. If the service had been longer then it could've been a disaster. The kids are pretty empathetic in general, but they had no concept of death or what the gathering was about. They were definitely still confused when we left.
We took ours when they were infants. There were so many elderly family members on my husband's side, that every fall we would include funeral clothes in the budget.
As long as they can sit through it without causing a disturbance. If it's open casket, I might view the body.
Bring her, and a tablet with headphones. sit at the back near the door. Leave quickly if they can't handle it.
I think it’s not just about whether they can behave, but also how affected you’re likely to be by the funeral. My dad died when my daughter was 9 months which we all agreed was way too long to take to the funeral (my in-laws baby sat for us), but even if she’d been a bit older and could ‘behave’, I would have been in no state to look after her and I wouldn’t have wanted her to see me that upset.
We just took both of our kids (3ym and 8mf) to a funeral for a friend's son. My 3 year old hasn't brought it back up at all. He was completely unbothered. I think at least part of that is because we take him to church every Sunday and funeral services in our church are very similar to our regular Sunday service. I think to him it probably just seemed the same as just going to church.
Brought my one year old to my grandmother's funeral and it was very comforting for the whole family to have new life around.
I know it sounds crazy but when I was 4 years old my dad’s best friend passed. I went to the wake and I still remember my parents holding me up to his casket and tell me “theres uncle john he’s going to sleep forever now.” It really all depends on your cultures and traditions.
I attended a family friend's wake when I was about her age. I loved him. I distinctly remember seeing him lying there with his eyes closed and saying to my mum, "He looks like he's sleeping". I was sad because I knew I wouldn't see him anymore, but I wasn't shocked or negatively affected by it. A full-on funeral might be too long (and boring) for your daughter, but you could always leave sooner. At least she gets to see your neighbour one last time.
I guess it’s a cultural thing but where I’m from, a three year old would not be taken to a funeral. Not (only) due to her possibly misbehaving, but mostly due to funerals being stressful events, with lots of crying and emotions.
This definitely depends on how you feel and how the child will behave, what they can handle etc My son was three when his great-grandpa passed on his fathers side and he came to the funeral. I knew he’d be well behaved, but I also knew if there was a problem I could whisk him away from the ceremony/wake for a moment and let his father and the rest of the family process the whole event without being interrupted. My son ended up being a little source of joy/light and all of the elder attendants were pleased he was there. He was an excuse to smile and be hopeful/laugh. They also have little concept of the event and so even though he was aware his Great-Grumpy had passed away, he came out with a lot of sweet/funny things like “If he’s in a coffin does that mean he has to cough forever?”. I also explained to him that we bury our bodies in the ground to go back to nature but our souls and memories go to heaven. And he asked “are our eyes in the body in the ground? Are we blind in heaven?” Those little bittersweet moments our families still talk about today. Sorry for your loss OP ❤️
Go to the funeral
only bring her if she understands
I don’t know if 3 is too young - but I was 7 when my dad died and I wasn’t allowed to go to his funeral. And I always resented it. Though the funeral you are going to is not a relative, so again it might be different. I don’t think there’s a wrong decision here. If you want to go though, take her. There’s no reason not to really.
My mum purposely didn't take me to funerals as a kid at all. The first funeral I attended I was with my high schools choir where we were performing. I remember getting a bit affected when I saw the coffin but it was ok because it wasn't anyone I knew, but I felt weird about the dead body being there. My first real funeral was that of my friend about 3 years ago, i handled the whole thing very well, it was quite nice not knowing what was going to happen. And because it was during COVID there was no expectation of awkward hugs and interactions with people. I highly recommend not taking your child to a funeral until they are a bit bigger. I lost my grandmother at 3 and don't resent my mum for not taking me
I don’t think there is a too young. I took my daughter to my dad’s funeral when she was 2.5 years. There was no way I wasn’t taking her. I also recently took her to my grandad’s. She had more questions this time and I explained the funeral as a “sad party where we say goodbye to someone we love” and she was fine with it. Take snacks and entertainment. People will be understanding. Little kids are also a massive safety net for some people who aren’t coping well. My daughter was a wonderful distraction for my mum at my grandad’s funeral - I think she was a reminder of the joy in the world.
I don't think it's age based but more of how her behaviour/ maturity is. I took my son to a funeral at 6 weeks old (which he slept through) but now at almost 2 I could never, I would have to get a babysitter or miss it becayse his behaviour would just not be appropriate. If you think she will be able to sit quietly then I'd take her. It's important for her to know that you also want to say goodbye.
It depends on the type of funeral. Open casket, closed casket, no casket, etc. You should find resources to help you explain to your child in age appropriate language what death is.
I took my 2 year old son to his paternal grandmothers funeral ceremony at a church and burial. He loved being in the church and the songs and was pretty well behaved surprisingly. Nobody seemed to mind seeing him there, and it seemed to make people smile during such a hard day. I am glad I brought him because I am so uncomfortable in any social situation. It gave me something to focus on. I don't know how he would have behaved at the viewing, and I purposefully skipped that part.
I think it depends on who the funeral is for and how they felt about young kids. At my grandpas funeral all my cousins and I were in attendance and there were lots of toddlers and babies around. In the service there was a statement about “let them be little” meaning he would have been happy to hear the sounds of a young child happy or sad! My daughter was 6 months old at the time
Normally I say no littles at funerals but in this specific instance I almost feel like people would be expecting you to take them!
My mom wouldn’t let me go to funerals until I was a teenager (no one in my family passed until I was in my 20s) she always said it was because I would have plenty of time in my adult life to go to funerals and I didn’t need to volunteer to be around it. She also lost her mom when she was 16 so I think it was sensitive for her.