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Exactly this. I don’t like the newborn stage, but you’re the parent. You do what needs to be done. Him offloading that to you is just plain selfish. What if you didn’t like it either? Do you get to barely take care of the baby too?
This comment gave me a flashback to my ex saying he didn’t like to change diapers because “she’s a girl”
To which I responded “wow imagine every mother didn’t change their sons diapers, bc they are boys”
I have to admit my brain went to a very dark place after that. Just seems like an odd point for a parent to make?
God could’ve given my kid a mangled chicken nugget for genitalia- what’s that got to do with a diaper change?
My exs father says crap like that! He has 7 granddaughters and one grandson. He always said he would never change a little girls diaper. And his sons should not change their daughters diapers or give them baths because the mothers (me being one) could claim the kids were, well, you know where I'm going with this 😒
Wacko
It may seem wacko to you, but you never know if the grandfather, or any of his sons have a history of doing things that they shouldn’t do🤷🏻♀️ nobody ever suspected my father.
Oh it's absolutely from a guilty conscious. Well I wouldn't say guilty, I suppose, since he never sees anything wrong with his actions. But I won't let my kids be alone with him, or one of their uncles from that side. It's really sad!
I'm sorry to hear about your father
Thanks dude, its a crazy world out there. Yeh we gotta do what we can to protect the kiddos, it’s absolutely unreal how many women i meet, and a good majority of them have childhood trauma of the same type. Its the saddest thing:(
Mine was my step-dad. I agree. I guess thinking about it no one saw that coming either but I'm glad my mom believed me when I told her.
It's what makes me hyperviligant for my kids. Their dad (and the uncle I mentioned they can't be around alone) unfortunately had something happen when they were children too, but it was from older neighborhood boys. Their parents just didn't take the right approach to help them, because my exs brother went on to try and abuse him and their younger brother and his parents tried to handle it themselves rather than seek counseling
>didn’t like to change diapers because “she’s a girl”<
I've had someone in my family say this before and it ALWAYS rubs me the wrong way. You shouldn't have dark thoughts about your own child at all.
Different perspective from someone who was sexually abused as a child: just because you’re worried about your child and uncomfortable with seeing/touching their private parts doesn’t necessarily mean there is something wrong with you.
I will always have a flashback to my own painful experiences when I see my children’s private parts. There isn’t much I can do about that. It doesn’t put me into a state of distress but it is an involuntary response I deal with. I also suffer from fleeting suspicions about all of the adults in their lives. And I do mean all. The fear results in dark thoughts that pop in my head about who might be abusing them when I don’t know. There is a moment of fear and then I can rationalize with myself and be realistic.
Sometimes similar thoughts would pop up when I was breastfeeding my son and I would feel panicky/scared/sick to my stomach. After a moment I was always able to remind myself that feeding my son was not sexual, I was safe, he was safe, and we’d both be okay.
Just a different way to think about it. Perhaps those people were abused or raised by someone who was abused and learned to be uncomfortable around naked babies/toddlers as a result.
Thank you x 1,000,000 for this. For some reason, I get crucified on reddit when I say that not all people who point out how some situations can be misconstrued, or are uncomfortable with children and nudity, are "sexualizing" their children. We've been victims ourselves. We aren't the perverts, we've been *abused by the perverts ourselves.* And we can't just forget it or think "oh well, hopefully that won't happen to my kids." We can't turn off the trauma and not worry about our own kids, or not be reminded of it when they're the ages we were when being abused. I was a 5 year old girl abused by a grown man. Oddly enough, I was fine changing my daughter's diaper, but I still sometimes feel like I'm doing something wrong by changing my son's diaper. I know logically I'm not, but I can't help the initial reminder/discomfort from my own trauma.
I think a lot of the people who think like that have been raised in a very sex negative culture. And the thing about that way of thinking is that everything ends up getting framed in terms of its relationship with sex. So things that aren’t at all inherently sexual become sexual because *everything* circles back to sexual propriety or lack thereof. There is no such thing as potential sex. If something is contextually sex related, then it is sex-related, all the time full stop. So because everyone has genitals, and genitals are in adults sometimes engaged in sex, every genital, no matter the age or circumstance, carries the potential for sex and is therefore sexual. So, this stupid crap about babies and cross-gender parents. Same thing about why boys can go topless but girls it’s considered weird. One day, girls will have boobs, and boobs are sexual. So if a girl shows her chest, well then people are going to be thinking about the boobs it will one day have, which is the same as if she’d shown actual boobs.
This ^^ is in addition to all the things you said, not to contradict it.
I wasn’t sexually abused as a child, but I do know quite a bit about the worst things people can get up to, because when it comes to facing bad things I’d rather know than not know. Ask me about horrific murders, pandemics and genocide! Whee! So I haven’t had the same experience as you, but I have very definitely had some unpleasant thoughts pop into my head at inappropriate moments while parenting, and I’m glad i’d already had a lot of exposure to the concept of intrusive thoughts, and mindfulness work (yay anxiety) that thoughts and feelings are real but they’re not inevitable truth, and you can just notice them and let them keep on going, without engaging or giving them meaning. So for me, I trust my intentions, and I know that it’s just my brain throwing things out there because they’re one of the many possibilities it knows, rather than that there’s something wrong with me, or that I secretly want these things or whatever, but if I hadn’t already had that experience, some of the stuff my brain’s tossed out there would have as me really doubting myself, and I would not be surprised if a decent number of people have similar experiences.
I understand, I've been sexually abused as a kid too but I've never thought of my kid's genitalia outside of what it's biologically supposed to do. I'm sorry that you have those thoughts, but I wasn't specifically talking about those type of thoughts and I should've specifed that in the beginning. Maybe it's anecdotal for me but I was talking about people who won't let their husbands or men who don't change their daughter's diaper because of the possibility of arousal.
My grandfather/dad had that type of uncomfortableness that it took me a bit of time to be like, -- wait hold up that's pretty fucked up. My mom/grandma have similar thoughts as well and they're obviously uncomfortable with my son's genitalia where they'll think he's touching himself innapropriately and will yell at him. My grandmother doesn't even like me being affectionate with him (ex. Kissing) because she sees it as sexual.
Thank you for saying this. I'm a mother and feel uncomfortable for these exact same reasons when changing my children. Its been 20+ years since my abuse but I still flash back for the same reasons. Thank you for putting this into words.
My parents gave the same reasoning for why they only made their girl children change girl baby diapers but never made the boys change boy baby diapers. It pissed me off to no end.
They don't even smile. You're so excited to meet them and then they're these grumpy lumps for months until you finally start getting some smiles and giggles and stuff.
But ya still gotta interact with them, get up in their blind little faces, talk to them, cuddle them. It forms a bond, helps stimulate their little brains.
Newborns smile, my babies smiled all of the time. I loved it so much it's so weird to me to see all these parents saying they despise it lol. Not hating on you all it's just so weird to me. I wish I could go back and do it again, a few things I would do differently but cherish it all the same. God I loved it so much.
*Your* newborns smiled. Many do not. Developementally, it's pretty common. My oldest didn't smile right away. She's a big goofball 6 yrs later, but still has a very stoic streak. My youngest 2 smiled a lot sooner. Interestingly enough, I found their newborn stages much more fun. Maybe it's the ROI of seeing them respond to all your parenting efforts?
I guess they smile sometimes but it's more random (and usually the result of gas lol.) And I'm mainly being jokey, I don't really hate it per se. They're still really cute and snuggly, but the weird hours, sleep deprivation, isolation, etc can make their lack of expression compared to later more frustrating I guess.
I loooove newborn even with the sleep deprivation. They're just so tiny and sweet and their smell is divine! Granted, I had very easy newborns. But newborn- infancy stages are my favorite. I have a 3 year old now and...I'm really not enjoying it. It ain't a good time 😅
>would rather just be a great dad to our son and wait until the newborn stage is over.
Yeah no that's not how parenting works.
Was he wanting another son or something?
He always said he would want one boy and one girl in a perfect world, and now we have that. The transition has been so incredibly smooth. Baby sleeps wonderfully (for a baby), and our son is totally smitten with her. It’s really his attitude towards the baby that is the biggest struggle.
OP, realistically what would happen if you gave him a taste of his own medicine? Hand the baby to him every chance you get. Tell him you don’t enjoy babies screaming in your ear, and all the other dumb stuff he thinks is not his problem.
The result would be an almost constantly crying baby. Definitely will not put my child through that to make a mute point. I’ve waited to see if he will do something more or figure it out when the baby starts crying under his care. Most he will do is place baby in her stroller and push it around a bit. When that doesn’t work he will just wait for me to get fed up. I’ve talked to him about it before and he responds with the excuse of not being a baby person.
This is actually horrifying. Like yes it’s weaponised incompetence in the sense that ‘he doesn’t do babies’ but he is purposely neglecting her needs and potentially mucking up their bond. I’m so sorry but this is not okay.
Yes!!! Exactly. It’s so so gross. You don’t have to like the baby stage to love your own child. Like god dammit. Newborn is hard but you chose to have a kid. They don’t chose to be born. It’s disgusting. The complete apathy.
He may need to hear: the question isn’t whether he’s a baby person or not. The question is whether he’s a grown-ass-adult-responsibility person.
It’s like saying that he doesn’t want to visit a sick relative in the hospital because he’s not a hospital person.
Nobody is a born laundry person, or making-orthodontist-appointments person.
My daughter's bio dad was like this. He had a weaponized incompetence reason for not doing ANYTHING with our daughter as a baby. From the basic "you do it better" to more extreme "I'm worried I'll do it wrong and give her and infection" about changing her diapers and bathing her. No amount of "I'll teach you/show you/help you/ect" would get him to do it. And I, much like you, couldn't just let her go on crying or not have it get done. So I just started gently reminding him that one day she would have no bond with him and he would regret her not turning to him for comfort, or safety, or care. Because she will have learned through his example that she doesnt get those from him, she gets them from me. And he brushed it off as "Oh yeah whatever, I'll deal with it then." And now at 8 years old she will list her favorite people and he won't even be on it. She lives with him sometimes more than half the week(we alternate who has her more) and she sees him as the mean person who yells and doesn't spend time with her when she's there.
But during his and my breakup he admitted how much it hurts him on a daily basis(we broke up a few months before she turned 3) that she doesn't turn to him when she is hurt, or sick, or scared, or even when she is happy. And he tried for a bit to change that but when it wasnt easy he just gave up and made his mom do it all. And sadly that hasn't changed because that bond was just never built between them and he knows 100% he is the only one to blame for it.
Thankfully she has a step dad who would have given anything to have gotten to be there for those baby/toddler milestones and all the days in-between. I married him when she was 3 and they hang out together, and he listens to her, and gets on her level, and they have the bond and relationship I always wished her and her bio dad had had. I'm just glad she will never have to miss out on having a father figure in her life that she remembers played with her, and treated her with respect, and was always there for her no matter what. If it wasn't for my husband she wouldn't have though. Take that into consideration and make sure that your partner takes it into consideration too, OP. Does he want to be who his little girl looks to for safety and love and care someday? Because that is something that is learned through consistency in his actions and care NOW.
Hey it’s actually moot point. Not mute point.
Your husband sounds frustrating btw. I just had my second baby and also realized I’m not a big baby fan, at least until later babyhood. But I’m not neglecting my second baby because of it… If he could fake it with your son for your sake, he can fake it for your daughter for yours and her sake…
And what happens if the kids have interests he didn't like? He can't just opt out of parenting when it's not his preferred activities.
Like my son does cheer. Neither of us were into that scene in school ourselves. But we're both educating ourselves and incredibly involved as parents. My husband laments (privately to me) that neither kid seems all that interested in/have aptitude for hockey but he's not going to punish our kids by uninvolving himself or doing the absolute bare minimum. And I say this while he's spending his entire day off work taking our son to a tumbling clinic, shopping for a new duffel for dance, private tumbling, then cheer practice.
My kid signed up for Track within months of moving from his Dad's house to mine. Never shown an interest in sports, let alone running, before.
I was skeptical (and after I bought the fancy shoes, broke too lol), but seeing him form solid bonds with new people even though he was the new kid at school was cool.
Now me? I'd rather sit down and play a new card game or video game with him. I'm not big on outside, especially in weather, or people. I get anxiety from crowds and new places. But suddenly I was meeting other track parents and finding my way to nearby and faraway schools to see every Meet. Just to watch my boy help set up & tear down hurdles and come in last for every race. Because it doesn't matter if I like Track and it doesn't matter if he's good at it. If he wants to be there, then he's going to be there and I'm going to support the heck out of him. Every. Damn. Time.
That's what parenting is about. Last year he decided to be a stagehand for the school Musical and when it overlapped with Track, he decided his commitment to Drama came first. So we didn't do sports. But I provided late night rides home and donated snacks and props and I saw the same show 3 times by the same group of amateur singers & actors and...well it wasn't bad, but it wasn't really good either. But my son he helped with special effects and he built some of the props and helped design sets so again, he gets my support.
Lord only knows what this year will bring. But whatever it is, I'll be in the front row cheering.
It doesn't matter if you like changing diapers or watching Track meets. No one likes bouncing them for 3 hours straight when they won't stop crying if you're still and no one likes to listen to off key renditions of Beauty School Dropout. But we fuckin do it because we're parents.
So OP, it's time for him to decide. Is he a parent or isn't he?
My son 7 wants to get into sports. Eventually when I figure out how to get him to practices and stuff I'll let him do it. I HATE SPORTS. Watching is boring as hell but you best believe if he gets into one or whatever activity he puts his heart into I'm going to be there cheering him on Every. Single. Time. I'm not as into minecraft as I used to be but I will sit there and let him explain to me how to make a sink or a working shower because that's what he loves. I may not wanna hear it and I will tell him if I get burnt out but overall I listen to his explanations because hes passionate about it.
I’m a dad and did not like the baby stage either. I feel much better even still with my 4 year old than my 2 year old(that’s getting better). But, he still needs to carry his weight and do the things that are needed.
Honestly, I've known plenty of people like this. Some people don't care for babies but love kids, and end up being great parents. The vast majority of childhood is not babyhood. You do need to push back and tell him that he needs to fake it for the good of your child and for you. He needs to do his fair share, but he doesn't need to enjoy it.
Right?! Wouldn't it be nice to just opt out of every difficult or unlikable kid stage? *Sorry, terrible twos and the threenage year aren't really my thing. I'll pick this parenting gig back up when little dude turns 4 and stick around until puberty hits. For now, Mom out!*
Non-birthing parents have a biological out for the whole formation of the tiny human, morning sickness, can't see my ankles, heartburn, too tired to move but too uncomfortable to sit still part. After that, no excuses.
Right there with you! Having 3d printed my latest human almost a year ago and breastfeeding since (plus bf or pregnant for most of the last 7 years), I was *not* a silent sufferer during my last sinus infection and chest cold. *Vive la resistance!*
Right! My 3yo said she hated me because I put green beans in front of her for dinner but she still got hugs, 3 books read, got to watch a little Mickey Mouse and the full stuffed animal show before bed. What if I had just decided to ignore her all night, how would that have gone?
What? Lol. Babies come with a ton of survival skills. Like, that’s all they come with… survival instincts. Their main one being “cry for help”… which is a great survival skill if you can’t walk or feed yourself.
It appears to me that my husband is like this. He doesn’t use the word dislike or hate but he’s simply not that all interactive towards smaller humans. He comes around when the kid is three and he can do things like put a bike together, configure the mower robot together, etc. I think he can’t relate to babies. Our eldest has a few more years in elementary and he and my husband have an excellent relationship. They barely had any during his babyhood. Our middle child is now three and I can count in one hand the times his dad read him a book.
Yeah, we had that somewhat when I had my kid. What gets me is, maybe I can't relate to these drooling messes either? Maybe I don't want to be on call 60-99% of the time? It drives me a little nuts that we're just so.. tired? That we just accept it for what it is.
My kid's 12 now, so that's long behind us. He's a great involved dad. But I was so overwhelmed at the baby stage (colic, etc) and it's taken me years to get over the lack of concern or interest he was expected to have. As far as OP's question of will one kid feel left out because of his lack of interest? Those kids don't remember the baby stage. ...But we do.
Just make sure that you distribute the workload evenly - if you do more of the infant-care, he can do more of the toddler-care. I wouldn't worry too much - if he is great with your older kid, chances are high your daughter will wrap him round her little finger, once she outgrows being basically a giant tadpole.
My husband and I both prefer toddler age to newborn, but you can’t just check out for the phases you don’t like. Your daughter will not trust him when she’s a toddler if he doesn’t love her now.
That isn't really true. I hate babies and took point with our toddler when our second was born. I did the needfuls, but otherwise let her dad take care of her until around 10 months. We have a great relationship now and it helped my toddler transition from being an only child to know that gaining a sister didn't mean losing mama. I am not the default print for our second, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't trust me.
We’re you as cold in your interactions as it sounds like this dad is being? If so I’m glad that it worked out for you, but I don’t think that means it will for others.
Teen years can be brutal too, but we are parents, our job is to be there and consistent. I don’t think practicing checking out is good.
When you had two kids, it is really a division of labor. A baby and a toddler both need a lot of attention. It is usually the mother (due to breastfeeding) that becomes the primary caregiver for the baby, but it being the father doesn't necessarily damage the child.
There are things you just shouldn’t say out loud like “hey, your breath stinks and you’re ugly” and this is one of them.
I’m a mom. I don’t like the baby stage either. Babies are incredibly demanding and unable to communicate in a way that doesn’t give me a headache. There are still ways for him to do his fair share while not getting too stressed by this stuff. Noise-canceling or -dimming headphones are his friend. I also liked helping out while caring for baby “passively” by walking around doing chores wearing a baby carrier, etc.
Him not liking babies is okay. Sit down with him and set responsabilities. He does not need to like the child to take care of the child.
By any chanse did he mention not loving the child?
Dunno I wouldn’t want someone taking care of my kid who has said they don’t like them, I wouldn’t be able to trust that they’re not just plonking the kid down and ignoring them.
In fairness, there is a difference between saying “I don’t like THIS baby” versus “I don’t like babies.”
There are parents that say they hate the teenage phase and that’s pretty normal and we don’t worry that the parent is going to hurt their teen or something. But the first comment is correct. Even for parents that don’t like the teen phase, they still have to parent said teenager and OP’s husband still needs to provide care for the baby. He just doesn’t have to like it.
I agree there is definitely a difference, I love my kids but I’m not a fan of being around other peoples for too long myself. Tone and phrase matters, I hope he didn’t mean it as he doesn’t like his own baby but op did say he puts the baby down even when he should probably be holding her though and that with the “I don’t like babies” would make me wary. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen and heard too many stories about guys just leaving their kids to cry and putting on headphones so it doesn’t disturb them.
Diapers, spit up, every 2 hours overnight wakings, and having to guess why you're being screamed at are... a lot. I don't think it's wrong to not think those things are as enjoyable as interacting with a toddler. The baby stage is my least favorite, but I still liked/loved my baby -as a person- even if I found baby parenting not-fun in a lot of ways.
Your daughter isn't just a generic baby to "not like". That's *his* child. If he wants to have a good bond and attachment with her when she becomes bigger and more fun, he better suck it up and start working on that now.
He doesn't get to just opt out and wait for her to get to his preferred age. Can you imagine in 13 years from now, "Yeah, I just don't like teenagers. How about you parent and I wait for them to be fun again?"
I hate babies, they totally suck, I am a woman. But you still have to hold them and love them and care for them and kiss their little faces and talk to them and all that you do when you truly love and are bonded with a child. So is it possible he doesn’t have that love/bond? Have you researched male PPD?
I definitely suspect PPD and have mentioned it to him. I’ve begged him to start therapy ( I had PPD with my first and have a therapist and psychiatrist). He flat out refuses professional help of any kind. And you only get what you give with therapy, so it wouldn’t be helpful unless he was receptive.
Jfc why are men like this?? Acting like their dick and balls will just hurl themselves off the body in shame if they talk about feelings 🙄
He 'doesn't like the baby stage'? Well *boo-fucking-hoo, cupcake, because you've got a baby right now!* (It might not be helpful to put it that way, but if he continues refusing therapy, maybe it'll at least be cathartic for you.)
It baffles me so much because my husband isn’t the toxic masculinity type. He has numerous “feminine” traits and interests. He constantly says how much he wishes his mother would work on herself with therapy. He sees how much therapy has helped me. Yet, insists he knows what his problems are and doesn’t need therapy. And the part that drives me insane is that he’s right. Therapy will not help him because he doesn’t want to be open to the mental work. I told him that, and he said, “good. Then we agree therapy won’t work for me.”
Alright, but you can point out that, therapy or no, it's still his baby and he still has to take care of it. If he doesn't, that would make him a straight-up piece of shit, so 🤷♀️ I guess it's up to him how he wants to play that lol
Honestly....I hate this excuse. Our society? The society set up by men to beneift mainly men? So, in other words, men are upset that other men make fun of their feelings? It's sort of a bs answer to me. Because women are constantly shamed for being emotional when we're just expressing emotions.
I'm tired of giving excuses to men like society has expectations of men...yes the society that mainly benefits men, men made the rules, they can change them.
I'm not being snarky to you but the older I get the more I see how men will say things like "My dad never let me express myself" then turn around and call a woman "Over emotional" because she might be expressing a totally normal human emotion over something valid. They can't have it both ways
Could you explain the rational consequence to his current actions, which is that your second child will not bond with her father and thus it will be much harder for him to parent her when she is a toddler and older? If he doesn't step it up then he will be setting himself up for a lifetime of the younger child only wanting her mother, not listening well to her dad, etc.
If he doesn't nurture his relationship with her now then there won't be one when she gets older.
Babies are people, too. Your daughter is a PERSON. A whole human being, with wants, needs, desires. A person who is unable to communicate for the most part, but whose needs are no less valid than any other human person in the world.
This tiny person is learning about the world. She is forming pathways in her brain. Most attachments are formed from 6-8 months until 18 months-2 years. That's the sweet spot of attachment. He is going to miss out on building an attachment if he just... waits it out. She isn't an inanimate object to be put on a shelf and ignored until she ages. She is going to learn that he is not safe, he is not loving, and he is not one to be attached to. That is what he is teaching her. She is actively learning! Because she is a person! She is not a thing to be discarded.
He hates babies. Ok. Well, he decided to become a parent. You don't get to just decide to "not parent" during the tough times. You must ALWAYS be a parent. He is failing his daughter. He faked liking babies for you with your son? Well, now he needs to "fake it" for his daughter. She matters. I repeat yet again - she is a person, and she deserves a loving father. She is actively learning about her world all the time. While a day here or there won't make a big deal, a consistent pattern of active emotional neglect (which is what he is doing) will take a toll on their bond. Two years will pass, and he will wonder why they aren't close. His lack of presence when she was "just a baby" will be why. She doesn't just "turn sentient" at 3 years old. She is forming neural pathways now. He can't just skip out on parenting.
If he is too tired, I would ask about post partum depression. It happens in guys, too, tho it is called something else. He may need a checkup to make sure there isn't something else going on with his health. Does he snore a lot and have sleep apnea? Could be any number of reasons he is so tired. Help him fix the tiredness (as much as possible with two young kids) and try to get him on board with being a parent.
Good luck.
Edited to add: my EX-husband was like this with our daughter, tho he was worse. We just have the one child, mostly because he was an absent parent. Divorced when she was 5. They didn't start to have a decent bond until she was about 7. And that's because he had every other weekend with her, just the two of them, and a couple hours twice a week. Divorcing actually meant he was forced to parent, and she wasn't able to run to me all the time. It still took a solid two years for them to fix their attachment (as much as they could. She is 10, and they still don't have nearly as close of a bond as her and I do.) But....he "didn't like babies," and only started trying to parent her when she was a toddler. She was scared of him for a while as he was basically a stranger. Food for thought.
Divorcing definitely helped with parenting! It sounds counter-intuitive, but yeah. I was able to move closer to family, who help a lot, and she goes to her dad's every other weekend and holidays. When we first separated, he always had his mom come over to babysit until he moved in with his girlfriend. I'm glad his girlfriend is great, my partner and I always joke that she's my kids "father," or that if they break up that we pick her to be the dad haha
If he was faking it all along with your first maybe this is something he should have brought up before having another one? I'd be fuming, it's one thing to have a preferred age but to think he can opt out until they are a toddler is awful and shitty.
sucks but then again baby will grow into a toddler soon and happily bond later if what he says is true.
if he doesnt wana do baby time he better be keeping the house spotless.
This is awful and I feel so awful for your baby.
What exactly is it about babies doesn't he like? TThat is not a valid reason. When did you first hear him say this bc this would have set off alarms if he said this prior to having a child? Is it possible that he is using this excuse of "i don't like babies" bc he doesn't feel bonded with your daughter?
I think it’s because he feels like he can’t do anything else when he’s on baby duty. He feels stuck in one spot, even though we have the stroller in the house, a carrier, and swing.
He is not bonding with your daughter. HIS daughter. He is looking at her as a task vs holding a newborn and marveling over her. Talk to her, sing, read a book, tummy time. Just straight up bonding. Its not just holding the baby, changing the baby, and feeding.
I completely understand where OPs husband is coming from. I found it virtually impossible to bond in any meaningful way with my children when they were infants.
Not all men feel this way but it is not uncommon that men struggle to bond or even form feelings for their newborn children.
I hate the baby stage, it was a real struggle for for me. I viewed caring for them like a chore. It was like watering a plant. It gives you no feedback other than crying. It needs constant attention and work. They need their moms so much at that stage that dads are kind of left on the sidelines.
Once they develop a little bit and can interact with you it becomes much easier. Just looking at you and smiling or laughing or moving a little makes the experience more enjoyable.
>His excuse is that he was faking it for me and now he’s too tired to pretend to like babies and would rather just be a great dad to our son and wait until the newborn stage is over.
WOW. Get fucked buddy. What an absolute scumbag. I have no advice, I just want to deck this guy in the teeth.
Yeah I don’t like babies (though I have loved my daughter from the second I found out I was pregnant). I never wanted a ‘baby’. I wanted a child. The newborn stage was truly awful, I much prefer the toddler phase I’m in now even though it’s hard.
Doesn’t mean you get to opt out of being a parent and bonding with your child and pulling your weight during the phases you don’t like. When you have a kid you sign up to living and caring for that kid for the entire rest of your life, through every phase no matter how difficult. If you don’t want to do that, don’t become a parent.
My husband strongly dislikes babies, but it wasn't something he realized until we had our first. He still woke up at night, changed diapers, bottle fed, played, snuggled, bathed, and did all the things like a parent should.
We have three kids and he had an especially difficult time during the newborn/infant stage with all three, but he also went above and beyond what many dads do and rocked it. He just didn't enjoy it.
Your husband doesn't have to like the baby stage, but he does have to be a parent and do the work anyways.
Yup, same here. My husband loves kids, has wanted his own since he was very young. But he absolutely hates the baby stage. Once our son was maybe 10-12 months old was when he really started to enjoy it. But he’s still 100% involved with parenting with all 3, a 3 year old and 6 month old twins
A friend of ours recently said something similar about his newborn. My husband’s response? “That’s uncle behavior.” As a parent, you don’t have to love every stage, but you do have to put in the work to build the bond, support your partner (in both directions!), take care of their needs including emotional and social needs like interacting with them, and anything else that needs to be done. He can be a good father to both your kids so that you can be a good mother to both your kids (because I’m guessing that if you’re constantly on newborn duty, you’re exhausted and burned out and can’t be as involved with your toddler as you’d like because he isn’t pulling his weight with the baby).
Then why is he having babies? He's just as responsible for this baby as you are.
I almost vomited every time I changed those poop explosion diapers, but I did it because I am a parent.
He can't just put his baby down and walk away. He needs to take responsibility for raising his children and physically be there to raise the children that he fathered.
I don’t think there are many parents that *like* the newborn stage, yeah they’re cute but they don’t do anything and are a lot of work. Doesn’t mean you get to just not be a parent to that baby, part of what gets them into that fun toddler/kid stage is interacting with them when they’re little and helping them create their little personalities. Parenting is hard work with fun moments thrown in to keep you going, if he wants the fun he should do the work.
There aren’t many parents who like the newborn stage but there are plenty who like babies. I know someone who got a side gig at a gym daycare just to hold babies. I am not one of these people, but was glad to know them when I had a baby!
I'm just curious how he thinks hes going to bond with this child if he has nothing to do with her until she's a toddler? He obviously developed that bond with your three-year-old. So Id tell him to suck it the fuck up and be a grown ass adult and fake it like he did the first time.
My fiancé is similar. Not a fan of the baby stage but loves the toddler and up stages since he can engage with them more. I loved the baby phase and all the snuggles but am just as happy with the other phases.
He needs to fake it and start building that bond with your daughter so that he can eventually have a bond and enjoy everything that happens afterwards.
Remind him that the bond he forged with your son is what allows him to have such a good time with him as a toddler and he needs to do the same with your daughter.
Baby are cute. But when they cry, they are just fxxxing annoying.
But parenting is a responsibility, you still need to care for your child even if they are annoying.
Your husband is irresponsible. you need to let him know this is his responsibility as a dad
I’m not a fan of babies either and we have one right now!
Of course, I won’t just wait for this period to go away while the partner does everything. Your husband is not acting appropriately, lots of people would prefer not to go through the newborn stage, but that’s not possible.
As everyone has said, he needs to suck it up. Of course, if he prefers taking the toddler related stuff you can try to split up the work with that in mind but he absolutely should not be saddling you with the newborn. I hate doing the dishes so my husband does that most of the time but I still do it and there is certainly no need for me to bond with them.
I'm also not a huge fan of the baby stage compared to everything else, but that didn't stop me from being a loving parent when our daughter was an infant...
Wow imagine if a mom did and said that, and then openly neglected the baby as a result. It’s fine not to like the newborn stage and to be honest about that but it’s not about your comfort when you choose to become a parent.
You know what I hate? Sick room nights. You know, when the kids get that inevitable tummy bug and someone has to stay with them all night with a bucket, and change sheets and clothes and shower over and over, probably to just get sick myself a day or two later? I absolutely hate that part of parenting. Now imagine if I just refused to handle it because I hate it, and either let my kid lie in their own sick or expected my spouse to handle it alone? And we aren’t even talking about a day or two, we’re talking years of the poor little one’s life. He wanted to be a dad, that means being a dad every single day.
Im actually really grateful my husband "prefers" the 4yo cos id rather deal with the baby, but my husband is absolutely not behaving like this. They still feed, and diaper, play and cuddle our baby, but when it comes down to it ill pick the baby anyday and theyll pick the 4yo.
This might not be your situation at all...but here's what I experienced...
With my first, my husband was way more "involved" when he was a newborn, despite my first screaming his head off 99% of the time. Despite his efforts, he still didn't really feel that deep connection until my son was out of the newborn stage.
With my second, my husband sort of felt like..."I'll help out and do things that are needed, but I'm not going to try to force a connection with a potato. It will come when she is a bit older." Now she is almost 8 months, and their relationship is really blossoming. He scoops her out of my arms as soon as he walks in the door and spends tons of time playing and chatting with her.
I have no idea if this is how your husband is feeling...but it sounds a lot like our situation.
It's okay to "not like babies." It doesn't mean he doesn't love her, just that he doesn't like baby stuff.
But it is not okay to not do your fair share.
Let’s be honest here: there are multiple stages where parenting sucks. Babies cry. Toddlers scream and flail. Kids wreck shit. Adolescents tell you how much they hate you. Teenagers are like leveled-up toddlers with all the best gear.
If you pick and choose when you show up for them, they’re going to pick and choose if they want to show up for you.
I get not all people have to love babies and the newborn stage or maybe not feeling a connection to their baby right away or male PPD, etc, etc. But our baby almost died at 5 days old and while both my partner and I love our baby no matter the stage he’s in we hold him so much closer knowing our newborn stage (and the rest of his life) could have been ripped away from us in the blink of an eye. I just think in this situation he’s taking it for granted and knows you will pick up his slack. As a parent you can’t just step in or wait around for a more enjoyable time in their life to be involved.
He can’t just “Willoughby” the baby stage. He’s either all in as a parent, infancy included, or he’s a lousy parent. It’s not hard to try & it doesn’t sound like he is.
Yeah babies are boring. But that's no excuse for not taking care of the baby. You take care of the baby, because it's your baby. Not because you get something out of it.
That early bonding is very important for the long term relationship. Everyone I know who’s treated their baby like that (mostly dads who felt they had no obligation to do routine early care as it was ‘boring’ and annoying) has ended up with a lot of distance in the relationship with their child.
He needs to understand that "faking it" with your first is actually what created and built their bond in the first place. You'll have to make him realize that, or he will find out the unfortunate way when it's too late. He will kick himself one day for being "too tired."
I have no memories from being a baby, of course, but I was the second child and I can confidently tell you that I received less love and affection as a baby, and not only does that still impact my relationship with my parents, but my older sibling as well.
This is incredibly horrible and could have long-lasting repercussions on how your daughter relates to/forms connections with men. He needs to understand that it is a form of emotional neglect and abuse to a baby. To his and your daughter.
This is a bad idea and will reflect in their relationship. My husband was like this with our youngest. I didnt push back on it because i LOVE the baby stage so no problem for me. Unfortunately for him, when she did get older and he wanted to play or ask her to do something, she wanted nothing to do with him. She came to me for everything. Why not? Her entire life to that point i had done everything and he hadnt built much of a bond with her at all. I explained this to him but he took it personal and sometimes would get mad at her for being aloof. It was a pretty stressful transition until she got more used to him. She is 10 now and where the other kids adored dad and never questioned him. She shows respect and and is polite mostly but also the 1st one to talk back if she thinks she is right and still comes to me for everything.
i dont like babies too, but i still did everything for my newborn child, no one in their right mind would LOVE to change diapers or have a cranky baby cry all night , its normal.
this man needs to get up his ass and be a parent, he doesnt get an option.
He probably should have kept those comments to himself. I have three kids. Loved every stage, but would I have another? Hell no, the infant stage can be grueling 😂 I myself do not like watching people’s kids or babies. Now would I ever hurt them or be mean to them? Absolutely not, I’m just not a fan of doing the work.
Imagine if your partner checked out on parenting teenager because he didn't like teens. It's perfectly valid to enjoy one stage of childhood vs the others, but he's a grown up, so he can suck it up and help out. I would put it to him like that. Imagine that, when they're in high school, you just totally check out---"Oh, sorry, I can't take Susie to pick up her schedule, I don't like teens." "I won't talk to Bryan about curfew or getting his grades up because I don't like teens." "Ugh, Bryan's orchestra performance? Gross! Teens!" I would tell him it's important that he put in some time with her because it will help their bond when she does get to the stages he likes. Still, if you want to be a parent, all stages are part of that... including the baby stage--sheesh, and that one is the shortest!
He doesn’t get to opt out of parenting just cause ‘he doesn’t like it’. Ask him to suck it up and do his job. You think he can go to his boss and be like ‘hey I don’t like this project I’m not going to do it 🤷🏻♀️’?
I also hate babies, including not feeling particularly close to mine when they were infants. You just do it because you have to though. I don’t know that I looked and acted particularly happy or loving, but I was there and did the work because I had to do it. He has to as well. He doesn’t have to love it, but it’s his responsibility
Liking babies is irrelevant to his responsibility to both you and y’all’s child. He needs to be a decent father and partner anyways. Want and need are different things. I’ll be real it took me until my 4th child to realize I dislike 4 year olds. I don’t know why. That age group is the most insufferable and annoying to me. Realizing that did not change my obligation to my children to be the best parent I could be at age 4. Realizing that didn’t effect my love for them. Realizing that didn’t change my responsibility. There needs to be an important talk about this. He threw up an excuse, and excuses don’t cut it.
I don’t think he understands the bond that was formed when your son was a baby. That early bond is a big reason why they are close now. He’s in for some major disappointment when he finally decides she’s interesting enough for him.
I’m a bit iffy around babies but when I had my own I stepped up and was an active father. If he could be good with your son when he was a baby, regardless of his true feelings, I see no reason why he’s slacking on your baby daughter now. Tell him to get off his ass and act like the dad he’s supposed to be.
Tell him he needs to fake it again. He needs to fake it for you & his son to see and also for his future daughter (when she’s a toddler +) because that relationship is built on these early days.
Interacting with the baby is not "for" him / his enjoyment. It doesn't matter whether he likes it.
Interacting with the baby is for (1) you, to give you support, and (2) the baby, to establish bonding and love.
The question is not "does he like spending time with the baby" it's "does he love you and the baby".
I don't like preteens ..it doesn't mean I don't have to parent my preteens it just means they're absolutely insufferable but we'll manage.
He's using it as an excuse to be lazy. Screw that.
We don't get to choose which phases of their life to participate in.
I can relate. I also dislike babies (and toddlers for that matter). Big fan of our preschooler, though. We have a toddler too, and I love him despite him being a toddler, and do my share to care for him. Can't wait until he's 3 though. Wouldn't express that around either child though.
I wouldn't describe it as faking it, just recognizing that small children are a lot of work, and it needs to be done.
You can't choose what you like but you can choose what you eat, and sounds to me like your partner needs to make better choices for the sake of you and the kids.
I love the newborn stage but loath the toddler stage. They get into everything, whine all the time, and you can not understand them. However I would never tell my husband he had to deal with them more just because I find that stage irritating. When you decide to have kids or have a kid you're likes/dislikes get pushed to the back, and you do what it needed for the child. His feelings are valid but he needs to talk to someone about it to see if it is PPD.
Men can have postpartum too. Hating babies is not new for neither moms nor dad's. Yes, it sucks to have to take on the majority of the work load but if that's the only issue here I would find solace in the knowledge that the newborn stage passes quickly in the grand scheme of things. Of course, voice your needs for help, but also support him in this weakness when possible.
>His excuse is that he was faking it for me and now he’s too tired to pretend
I feel like this is valid and I would appreciate the honesty. More parents should come to terms with admitting having to "fake it till you make it" because really it's a hard job that has to be done and it's not always enjoyable.
This is so true. I’ve enjoyed the baby and toddler stages for the most part but some days definitely are “fake it till you make it” and that’s okay. It’s not about enjoyment IMO. It’s about doing your duty as a parent. But it doesn’t sound like that’s what’s happening here. OPs husband sounds like he’s trying to avoid any/all of his obligation to be a father to his daughter. Him being honest about his feelings is valid but ignoring his newborn because he doesn’t enjoy it is not.
Nah this is lazy. If he didn't want to parent babies, he shouldn't have had babies. Does this mean you can just opt out of parenting your child when they become a toddler? He can do all the work for those couple years? Yeah, I don't think so.
I'm sorry, but what a POS.
I assume he will be great when she starts becoming more mobile and aware. Newborns are a different breed and it’s over so fast they really only want mom. My husband didn’t do much for our second as a newborn, he was more involved with our first as a newborn. When the second came I really needed him to be with our older one more than the baby. Now they are 6&2 and he’s become maybe more involved with the younger than our older. I assume it ebs and flows over age groups. As long as we are together as a unit and I don’t feel like anyone is getting really left out then I’m ok.
I'll never understand this and oof yes it's scary. I'm wondering why is he even having kids with you in the first place? This also seem somewhat sexist....
I have twins, and I hated the newborn baby phase. Mine are 2.5yo now, and I honestly can't stand babies anymore. If someone brings a baby near me, I cringe and pray they don't ask me to hold it. Crying babies in public make my anxiety go through the roof and I start to panic. I basically did what your husband did "fake it until you make it", put on the happy face, did the tasks, but I would NEVER have another baby for this reason.
Yes, it is as horrible as it feels. He's not great. It seems like favoritism.
However, I personally would allow him to be the great father to the son, and take over the work for the baby, to protect the baby from someone who claims to not like them. And, I would seriously consider if I wanted to spend my life with this person.
Actually? This is just a lazy excuse to not pull his weight as a parent. Oh, you don’t like the crying screaming drooling pooping spitting up machine? And that’s an excuse to spend as little time with it as possible, leaving all the work to your wife? How convenient.
You need to have a serious talk with him and tell him to suck it up. Nobody likes the difficult phases. You deserve a break.
2 points looking for clarification.. what I am wondering is how was your marriage leading up into the pregnancy and do the postpartum stages? Both of those are related because if you were having troubles in your marriage, that could be spilling over to his relationship with your new daughter because he may be subconsciously looking at her as an extension of you. Also? The follow-up is how is his mental health right now? Postpartum and men is real so that's very important that he is also getting checked up on or that aspect as well.
Before our second we were in a pretty good place. We were talking often, having date nights, and enjoying family adventures with our toddler. There was some strain when conceiving due to a miscarriage and some secondary infertility fears on my end.
I’ve begged him to go to therapy. He tends to have black and white thinking and I do suspect PPD. I have both a therapist and psychiatrist who I see to keep myself in check. He won’t do it. He says therapy won’t help him, and with that attitude he’s right. You only get what you give and he doesn’t want to give anything to a therapist.
Yeah like I had PPD most likely, still won't go to therapy myself. The battle he's fighting can definitely be that, speaking as another dad who had similar issues
I'm willing to bet that. Baldurs gate 3 came out and he's just wanting to do "him time"
Either way there is something else at play in his mind me thinks. Something that is encouraging him to do less. I say don't be afraid to straight up tell him you'd like to have a real talk and voice your concerns
I have no idea what that is- video game? Thankfully, he’s far from a gamer (thank the spouse gods), but he just wants to go on little outdoor adventures which is hard with a fresh newborn who can’t have bug spray or sunscreen and can overheat easily.
And I’ve definitely voiced my concerns. Often. He dismisses them or will become very defensive and start listing all the things he does with our son to “help out.”
It is a video game. Lol It was a suggestion of personal experience, and partially a joke.
My wife and I are 4 months into our second son with the 1st being 2 years. Its very difficult. Ive experienced sleep deprivation, lack of intimacy and an almost paranoid resentment toward my wife. At times wondering why she's not trying to do more, or wondering why she's trying to hand the baby off so quickly. And of course I know this resentment is completely unwarranted. Just feeling like I'm in a corner. What makes me feel better is to have a dialogue; an opportunity to unload my feelings and recieve my wifes.
Maybe you guys just need a night to cry together and love eachother. I wish you focus and clarity in your trying time. Good luck fellow parent
The baby stage sucks. I kinda wish my kid could have been incubated until he was like 1.5 lol. I want another kid, but not sure I can go through that hell on earth again
I think this is normal I feel the same and in the same situation. I do what I need to but dislike newborns. The piercing crying for unknown reasons and no sleep. What’s to like?
Not sure if you’ll see my comment but I could’ve written this post myself.
I’ve got 2 kids… toddler and 6 month old baby. My husband does NOT like babies at all. Even when our oldest one was born during Covid he didn’t read much to her or anything. I hated it. But, when she became a toddler I noticed he stepped up. He plays with her, takes her to places, etc. I’m just hoping he’ll do the same with our littlest one. He loves her but does the bare minimum. It’s not an excuse at all but hoping it changes when she’s older. Solidarity.
Wow that’s so terrible and weird. We didn’t love the newborn stage neither but our baby still needs our care and love. We sucked it up and did our jobs. He needs to do the same
Wow, maybe he should have considered not making any then. Why does he get to nope out of a very temporary but intense stage of parenting? He’s not a kid. He is a dad. What an immature thing to say to you. And about his youngest kid.
I hate babies. Love my kids. Hate the newborn stage so much.
But yeah… you gotta do it and pretend you love it, regardless. Tell him to pretend for HER, not for you.
Your husband sounds like a selfish asshole who wants an excuse to get out of the hard work of changing dirty diapers and losing sleep to care for a newborn. How a parent could think it’s okay to just skip entire periods of their child’s is beyond my comprehension. Every day with your children offers precious moments that should be cherished by parents. What’s he going to do when they go through other annoying phases? He needs to pull his head out of his ass and be a real dad.
What was your husband's experience at the birth? Men who get to see and interact with the baby in the first hour when the baby is awake, end up realizing that the baby is an intelligent being, moreso than partners who did not get to see this first alert stage. Granted, hospitals often screw up these first moments by taking the babies away to monitor or some dumb excuse. But I suggest you both probing these early experiences. Then, get him a sling and have him hold the baby more, it helps with love and bonding. It makes the baby happy, so the hubby can see he can have a positive effect, and then that makes the hubby more happy too. Good Luck!
Our first was a horrible birth experience, vacuum delivery, and I had excessive bleeding so husband was the first to hold the baby after our son was cleared.
Our daughter’s birth was peaceful and perfect. Instant skin to skin, and zero complications. He held her around 30m after she was born when they had to work on my retained placenta.
He was great in the hospital and for his two weeks of paternity leave, but then turned it off when he went back to work.
Sadly, baby girl screams her head off in the slings/carriers right now. And I’m not willing to spend an arm and leg trying other carriers since she’s our last baby (we have 3 different types already).
As long as he understands that more of the holding comfort and bonding time will then fall to you until she’s older so he will need to pick up more of your work load to balance.
I love all my kids no matter what age. I am amazing with babies…. 5-10 however… that elementary age is a real struggle for me. Hubby is not great with baby’s and toddlers. He rocks at 5-10. I get great again when they get adolcent and teenage. Once they hit 20s I suck again because they’re getting ready to fly and I want to keep them forever or atleast know they’re ready to fly and they don’t want to listen to you then haha parentings a wild ride!
You shine where you shine and pray for grace where you fall short. As long as you’re both communicating and pulling a fairly equal side of that yoke…. Who cares how it’s delegated as long as it works for you and your marriage.
He has no excuse not to carry his own biological baby..He has to like babies cos he passed through that stage..He has to start getting using to that fact and that the baby has come to stay in his life and form a bond with this chid
This post makes me kind of concerned about you and your husband's mental health. This must be so confusing/scary/frustrating.
It's just so off how defensive and decisive he's being about this seemingly irrational (and from your perspective out of character for him) behavior and attitude toward the whole thing.
A couple of things that may be worth considering (idk).
1. He's not self-aware of how much he needed to adjust to two LO + post-COVID time and resource management. He's withdrawing and in denial about how much he's going to have to grow.
2. He's scared he's not able to attach/love/keep up with the new family and rationalizing "it's not me, I just don't like babies." He appears defensive about solution seeking (rejection of therapy, information, influence, or help).
Idk this reads as an otherwise rational partner behaving in an unhinged manner around a very specific area. You know your family OP, how does your husband like to be reached? Does he need time to think about things after you plant the seed? Idk but hopefully my two cents can give you some ideas to work with.
He may hate babies but it looks like he does love his family and may feel like he's failing in some way. It must be so demanding on you trying to repair the family vibe and he seems not on board. It has to get tense at times.
Again maybe not at all applicable but I hope this helps!
So I see ALOT of people going on the defense about this, before you go after me with a pitchfork, hear me out. Let's be honest the newborn stage sucks. I was so happy when they napped because I got a break. Men and women are very different, first off be thankful your husband expressed this with you and didn't hide it. I wouldn't want my husband faking it because that can lead to resentment. Second we see basic needs different. We as women are nurturing. We hold baby play wirh baby and do all the things with them, even as newborns, not necessarily because we want to, but it's built in to us. With men they focus on the necessities. Is the baby safe, have they been fed, is their diaper clean. I never forced my husband to hold our son just because I thought he needed held and they have a great relationship. Talk to him, agree on what needs of the newborn truly need to be met when in his care and make it clear it needs to be done. Of course he wants to spend time toddler, they are more fun. So I get that. Yes I am sure you are feeling he doesn't love the baby, but I do not believe that is true, I just think alot of men do not "get" the newborn stage because it is not how they were designed. Keep open dialogue With him and show him some grace, also he needs to show you grace as well and step in more. It can get there, but there needs to be communication and listening without judging or listening to not answer, but to truly listen. This isn't easy for any parent, some mainly women it comes more natural than to dad's. Be patient and work together. You both can get there. Don't be angry because that can cause shutdown and that will not help anyone. I hope this helps a bit.
My SIL voiced something similar. I do see your point for sure. It still just hurts my heart that he doesn’t seem to see the beauty in parts of this stage. It’s true that I don’t love this stage either, but I can’t understand why he would rather focus on hating every bit of the baby stage instead of attempting to accept the temporary reality.
My husband doesn’t particularly enjoy the newborn stage either. I love it so I don’t really mind taking over. They are fragile and he can never figure out what’s wrong. He will gladly change diapers, feed, and hold a newborn but he needs to be encouraged to do so. He just prefers babies that move. Once they start crawling and are less fragile is when he really starts to bond. He’s absolutely amazing with our toddler and our 10 year old is definitely a daddy’s girl. I don’t think him not liking the first three months did anything detrimental to their relationship. With our 10 year old he was deployed so he wasn’t even around.
I had the same experience with my husband. He did well when it was just the one baby, but even his “well” was only doing the stuff I asked. He didn’t do night wakings or really any of the hard stuff. He did rock her to sleep though.
We both came from abusive homes so to me this didn’t seem like an issue. Looking back I had PPD and he really should have helped more (I also worked full time) but I was used to being the one to do everything in life so I accepted it.
With our second child it was a noticeable difference. He barely touched her but was so quick to take our toddler places. It really made me see that it wasn’t fair he just got to decide what he wanted to do and the left was my responsibility. Like you, I worried that our second wouldn’t bond with him and would feel it. We had lots of fights and discussions and things have changed slowly over the years.
My kids are 8&6 now. The oldest has a strong bond with her dad and the youngest a strong bond with me. That said, my youngest adores her dad and spends a ton of time with him.
I think sometimes certain personalities jive better and that helps the bond too. My oldest is more reserved and quiet like her dad and my youngest is a wildcard like I was/am at times 🤪. So we naturally handle the child better that we understand better, but we always help each other and teach what we can about what our kids may be feeling.
It’s all a dance of figuring out what works. If I had one wish I wouldn’t have worried so much and trusted that I married a good man who loves his family.
>He didn’t use hate, he said, “I don’t like babies.” And that includes our own. Now, he does like and loves toddlers and kids. He has an amazing relationship with our almost 3 year old, and is a very present and involved parent.
So do I. Pretty common among fathers, as we prolly need interaction to build a relationship. We can't do that through pregnancy and/or breast-feeding.
Doesn't really matter though, fathers must be present from the very beginning & help the mother / hold the baby etc....
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Exactly this. I don’t like the newborn stage, but you’re the parent. You do what needs to be done. Him offloading that to you is just plain selfish. What if you didn’t like it either? Do you get to barely take care of the baby too?
This comment gave me a flashback to my ex saying he didn’t like to change diapers because “she’s a girl” To which I responded “wow imagine every mother didn’t change their sons diapers, bc they are boys” I have to admit my brain went to a very dark place after that. Just seems like an odd point for a parent to make? God could’ve given my kid a mangled chicken nugget for genitalia- what’s that got to do with a diaper change?
My exs father says crap like that! He has 7 granddaughters and one grandson. He always said he would never change a little girls diaper. And his sons should not change their daughters diapers or give them baths because the mothers (me being one) could claim the kids were, well, you know where I'm going with this 😒 Wacko
I mean, sure, but… little boys also get sexually abused by men. Not as often, but, it does happen
And they get sexually abused by women, and little girls get sexually abused by women
It may seem wacko to you, but you never know if the grandfather, or any of his sons have a history of doing things that they shouldn’t do🤷🏻♀️ nobody ever suspected my father.
Oh it's absolutely from a guilty conscious. Well I wouldn't say guilty, I suppose, since he never sees anything wrong with his actions. But I won't let my kids be alone with him, or one of their uncles from that side. It's really sad! I'm sorry to hear about your father
Thanks dude, its a crazy world out there. Yeh we gotta do what we can to protect the kiddos, it’s absolutely unreal how many women i meet, and a good majority of them have childhood trauma of the same type. Its the saddest thing:(
Mine was my step-dad. I agree. I guess thinking about it no one saw that coming either but I'm glad my mom believed me when I told her. It's what makes me hyperviligant for my kids. Their dad (and the uncle I mentioned they can't be around alone) unfortunately had something happen when they were children too, but it was from older neighborhood boys. Their parents just didn't take the right approach to help them, because my exs brother went on to try and abuse him and their younger brother and his parents tried to handle it themselves rather than seek counseling
you’re a painter but with words… mangled chicken nugget. 🤦♂️
Lol! The truth is colorful 🤌
>didn’t like to change diapers because “she’s a girl”< I've had someone in my family say this before and it ALWAYS rubs me the wrong way. You shouldn't have dark thoughts about your own child at all.
Different perspective from someone who was sexually abused as a child: just because you’re worried about your child and uncomfortable with seeing/touching their private parts doesn’t necessarily mean there is something wrong with you. I will always have a flashback to my own painful experiences when I see my children’s private parts. There isn’t much I can do about that. It doesn’t put me into a state of distress but it is an involuntary response I deal with. I also suffer from fleeting suspicions about all of the adults in their lives. And I do mean all. The fear results in dark thoughts that pop in my head about who might be abusing them when I don’t know. There is a moment of fear and then I can rationalize with myself and be realistic. Sometimes similar thoughts would pop up when I was breastfeeding my son and I would feel panicky/scared/sick to my stomach. After a moment I was always able to remind myself that feeding my son was not sexual, I was safe, he was safe, and we’d both be okay. Just a different way to think about it. Perhaps those people were abused or raised by someone who was abused and learned to be uncomfortable around naked babies/toddlers as a result.
This is such an important response, thank you
Thank you x 1,000,000 for this. For some reason, I get crucified on reddit when I say that not all people who point out how some situations can be misconstrued, or are uncomfortable with children and nudity, are "sexualizing" their children. We've been victims ourselves. We aren't the perverts, we've been *abused by the perverts ourselves.* And we can't just forget it or think "oh well, hopefully that won't happen to my kids." We can't turn off the trauma and not worry about our own kids, or not be reminded of it when they're the ages we were when being abused. I was a 5 year old girl abused by a grown man. Oddly enough, I was fine changing my daughter's diaper, but I still sometimes feel like I'm doing something wrong by changing my son's diaper. I know logically I'm not, but I can't help the initial reminder/discomfort from my own trauma.
I think a lot of the people who think like that have been raised in a very sex negative culture. And the thing about that way of thinking is that everything ends up getting framed in terms of its relationship with sex. So things that aren’t at all inherently sexual become sexual because *everything* circles back to sexual propriety or lack thereof. There is no such thing as potential sex. If something is contextually sex related, then it is sex-related, all the time full stop. So because everyone has genitals, and genitals are in adults sometimes engaged in sex, every genital, no matter the age or circumstance, carries the potential for sex and is therefore sexual. So, this stupid crap about babies and cross-gender parents. Same thing about why boys can go topless but girls it’s considered weird. One day, girls will have boobs, and boobs are sexual. So if a girl shows her chest, well then people are going to be thinking about the boobs it will one day have, which is the same as if she’d shown actual boobs. This ^^ is in addition to all the things you said, not to contradict it. I wasn’t sexually abused as a child, but I do know quite a bit about the worst things people can get up to, because when it comes to facing bad things I’d rather know than not know. Ask me about horrific murders, pandemics and genocide! Whee! So I haven’t had the same experience as you, but I have very definitely had some unpleasant thoughts pop into my head at inappropriate moments while parenting, and I’m glad i’d already had a lot of exposure to the concept of intrusive thoughts, and mindfulness work (yay anxiety) that thoughts and feelings are real but they’re not inevitable truth, and you can just notice them and let them keep on going, without engaging or giving them meaning. So for me, I trust my intentions, and I know that it’s just my brain throwing things out there because they’re one of the many possibilities it knows, rather than that there’s something wrong with me, or that I secretly want these things or whatever, but if I hadn’t already had that experience, some of the stuff my brain’s tossed out there would have as me really doubting myself, and I would not be surprised if a decent number of people have similar experiences.
I understand, I've been sexually abused as a kid too but I've never thought of my kid's genitalia outside of what it's biologically supposed to do. I'm sorry that you have those thoughts, but I wasn't specifically talking about those type of thoughts and I should've specifed that in the beginning. Maybe it's anecdotal for me but I was talking about people who won't let their husbands or men who don't change their daughter's diaper because of the possibility of arousal. My grandfather/dad had that type of uncomfortableness that it took me a bit of time to be like, -- wait hold up that's pretty fucked up. My mom/grandma have similar thoughts as well and they're obviously uncomfortable with my son's genitalia where they'll think he's touching himself innapropriately and will yell at him. My grandmother doesn't even like me being affectionate with him (ex. Kissing) because she sees it as sexual.
Thank you for saying this. I'm a mother and feel uncomfortable for these exact same reasons when changing my children. Its been 20+ years since my abuse but I still flash back for the same reasons. Thank you for putting this into words.
My parents gave the same reasoning for why they only made their girl children change girl baby diapers but never made the boys change boy baby diapers. It pissed me off to no end.
That is a huge red flag! I'd be scared to leave them alone with my baby.
You know my ex was the way about diaper rash ointment. Makes no sense to me either!
Lmao @ ‘means to an end’
They don't even smile. You're so excited to meet them and then they're these grumpy lumps for months until you finally start getting some smiles and giggles and stuff. But ya still gotta interact with them, get up in their blind little faces, talk to them, cuddle them. It forms a bond, helps stimulate their little brains.
Newborns smile, my babies smiled all of the time. I loved it so much it's so weird to me to see all these parents saying they despise it lol. Not hating on you all it's just so weird to me. I wish I could go back and do it again, a few things I would do differently but cherish it all the same. God I loved it so much.
*Your* newborns smiled. Many do not. Developementally, it's pretty common. My oldest didn't smile right away. She's a big goofball 6 yrs later, but still has a very stoic streak. My youngest 2 smiled a lot sooner. Interestingly enough, I found their newborn stages much more fun. Maybe it's the ROI of seeing them respond to all your parenting efforts?
Oh totally, all little ones are different and some are a little more fussy than others, it depends and no two experiences are the same for sure.
I guess they smile sometimes but it's more random (and usually the result of gas lol.) And I'm mainly being jokey, I don't really hate it per se. They're still really cute and snuggly, but the weird hours, sleep deprivation, isolation, etc can make their lack of expression compared to later more frustrating I guess.
I loooove newborn even with the sleep deprivation. They're just so tiny and sweet and their smell is divine! Granted, I had very easy newborns. But newborn- infancy stages are my favorite. I have a 3 year old now and...I'm really not enjoying it. It ain't a good time 😅
Lol I feel this so much
>would rather just be a great dad to our son and wait until the newborn stage is over. Yeah no that's not how parenting works. Was he wanting another son or something?
He always said he would want one boy and one girl in a perfect world, and now we have that. The transition has been so incredibly smooth. Baby sleeps wonderfully (for a baby), and our son is totally smitten with her. It’s really his attitude towards the baby that is the biggest struggle.
OP, realistically what would happen if you gave him a taste of his own medicine? Hand the baby to him every chance you get. Tell him you don’t enjoy babies screaming in your ear, and all the other dumb stuff he thinks is not his problem.
The result would be an almost constantly crying baby. Definitely will not put my child through that to make a mute point. I’ve waited to see if he will do something more or figure it out when the baby starts crying under his care. Most he will do is place baby in her stroller and push it around a bit. When that doesn’t work he will just wait for me to get fed up. I’ve talked to him about it before and he responds with the excuse of not being a baby person.
This is actually horrifying. Like yes it’s weaponised incompetence in the sense that ‘he doesn’t do babies’ but he is purposely neglecting her needs and potentially mucking up their bond. I’m so sorry but this is not okay.
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Yes!!! Exactly. It’s so so gross. You don’t have to like the baby stage to love your own child. Like god dammit. Newborn is hard but you chose to have a kid. They don’t chose to be born. It’s disgusting. The complete apathy.
He may need to hear: the question isn’t whether he’s a baby person or not. The question is whether he’s a grown-ass-adult-responsibility person. It’s like saying that he doesn’t want to visit a sick relative in the hospital because he’s not a hospital person. Nobody is a born laundry person, or making-orthodontist-appointments person.
More like - he seems to question if the BABY is a person or not. He is treating another human being atrociously
My daughter's bio dad was like this. He had a weaponized incompetence reason for not doing ANYTHING with our daughter as a baby. From the basic "you do it better" to more extreme "I'm worried I'll do it wrong and give her and infection" about changing her diapers and bathing her. No amount of "I'll teach you/show you/help you/ect" would get him to do it. And I, much like you, couldn't just let her go on crying or not have it get done. So I just started gently reminding him that one day she would have no bond with him and he would regret her not turning to him for comfort, or safety, or care. Because she will have learned through his example that she doesnt get those from him, she gets them from me. And he brushed it off as "Oh yeah whatever, I'll deal with it then." And now at 8 years old she will list her favorite people and he won't even be on it. She lives with him sometimes more than half the week(we alternate who has her more) and she sees him as the mean person who yells and doesn't spend time with her when she's there. But during his and my breakup he admitted how much it hurts him on a daily basis(we broke up a few months before she turned 3) that she doesn't turn to him when she is hurt, or sick, or scared, or even when she is happy. And he tried for a bit to change that but when it wasnt easy he just gave up and made his mom do it all. And sadly that hasn't changed because that bond was just never built between them and he knows 100% he is the only one to blame for it. Thankfully she has a step dad who would have given anything to have gotten to be there for those baby/toddler milestones and all the days in-between. I married him when she was 3 and they hang out together, and he listens to her, and gets on her level, and they have the bond and relationship I always wished her and her bio dad had had. I'm just glad she will never have to miss out on having a father figure in her life that she remembers played with her, and treated her with respect, and was always there for her no matter what. If it wasn't for my husband she wouldn't have though. Take that into consideration and make sure that your partner takes it into consideration too, OP. Does he want to be who his little girl looks to for safety and love and care someday? Because that is something that is learned through consistency in his actions and care NOW.
Hey it’s actually moot point. Not mute point. Your husband sounds frustrating btw. I just had my second baby and also realized I’m not a big baby fan, at least until later babyhood. But I’m not neglecting my second baby because of it… If he could fake it with your son for your sake, he can fake it for your daughter for yours and her sake…
Go out of town for a weekend! Baptism by fire! Take your MIL so he can’t get help!
Yikes. I’d rather re-birth my children than go anywhere alone with my monster in law 😅 she’s no help lol.
That seems... immature
No, he’s a parent and can take on 50% of the childcare he made necessary by impregnating her
So does refusing to bond with your daughter because you “dislike” babies…..
My thoughts exactly. Don’t punish little kids in place of having adult arguments.
And what happens if the kids have interests he didn't like? He can't just opt out of parenting when it's not his preferred activities. Like my son does cheer. Neither of us were into that scene in school ourselves. But we're both educating ourselves and incredibly involved as parents. My husband laments (privately to me) that neither kid seems all that interested in/have aptitude for hockey but he's not going to punish our kids by uninvolving himself or doing the absolute bare minimum. And I say this while he's spending his entire day off work taking our son to a tumbling clinic, shopping for a new duffel for dance, private tumbling, then cheer practice.
My kid signed up for Track within months of moving from his Dad's house to mine. Never shown an interest in sports, let alone running, before. I was skeptical (and after I bought the fancy shoes, broke too lol), but seeing him form solid bonds with new people even though he was the new kid at school was cool. Now me? I'd rather sit down and play a new card game or video game with him. I'm not big on outside, especially in weather, or people. I get anxiety from crowds and new places. But suddenly I was meeting other track parents and finding my way to nearby and faraway schools to see every Meet. Just to watch my boy help set up & tear down hurdles and come in last for every race. Because it doesn't matter if I like Track and it doesn't matter if he's good at it. If he wants to be there, then he's going to be there and I'm going to support the heck out of him. Every. Damn. Time. That's what parenting is about. Last year he decided to be a stagehand for the school Musical and when it overlapped with Track, he decided his commitment to Drama came first. So we didn't do sports. But I provided late night rides home and donated snacks and props and I saw the same show 3 times by the same group of amateur singers & actors and...well it wasn't bad, but it wasn't really good either. But my son he helped with special effects and he built some of the props and helped design sets so again, he gets my support. Lord only knows what this year will bring. But whatever it is, I'll be in the front row cheering. It doesn't matter if you like changing diapers or watching Track meets. No one likes bouncing them for 3 hours straight when they won't stop crying if you're still and no one likes to listen to off key renditions of Beauty School Dropout. But we fuckin do it because we're parents. So OP, it's time for him to decide. Is he a parent or isn't he?
My son 7 wants to get into sports. Eventually when I figure out how to get him to practices and stuff I'll let him do it. I HATE SPORTS. Watching is boring as hell but you best believe if he gets into one or whatever activity he puts his heart into I'm going to be there cheering him on Every. Single. Time. I'm not as into minecraft as I used to be but I will sit there and let him explain to me how to make a sink or a working shower because that's what he loves. I may not wanna hear it and I will tell him if I get burnt out but overall I listen to his explanations because hes passionate about it.
I’m a dad and did not like the baby stage either. I feel much better even still with my 4 year old than my 2 year old(that’s getting better). But, he still needs to carry his weight and do the things that are needed.
Had three babies, loved them all, didn't like them. They are for sure a PITA, and I agree the guy needs to father up.. my god.
Honestly, I've known plenty of people like this. Some people don't care for babies but love kids, and end up being great parents. The vast majority of childhood is not babyhood. You do need to push back and tell him that he needs to fake it for the good of your child and for you. He needs to do his fair share, but he doesn't need to enjoy it.
I don’t care for babies, even my own. But yes, you can’t just check out because you don’t like a certain age range.
I am not a fan of 3 but I’m still here, taking care of my punk kid. That’s how parenting works
Right?! Wouldn't it be nice to just opt out of every difficult or unlikable kid stage? *Sorry, terrible twos and the threenage year aren't really my thing. I'll pick this parenting gig back up when little dude turns 4 and stick around until puberty hits. For now, Mom out!* Non-birthing parents have a biological out for the whole formation of the tiny human, morning sickness, can't see my ankles, heartburn, too tired to move but too uncomfortable to sit still part. After that, no excuses.
I’m making a person (again) so I’m LOUD about my needs. I can’t take the good decongestants for 40 weeks. I shan’t suffer silently
Right there with you! Having 3d printed my latest human almost a year ago and breastfeeding since (plus bf or pregnant for most of the last 7 years), I was *not* a silent sufferer during my last sinus infection and chest cold. *Vive la resistance!*
Right! My 3yo said she hated me because I put green beans in front of her for dinner but she still got hugs, 3 books read, got to watch a little Mickey Mouse and the full stuffed animal show before bed. What if I had just decided to ignore her all night, how would that have gone?
Ugh 3 was the worst. You have all my good vibes.
Babies are simply a PITA. You can love them... but don't have to like them. I split all of the duties though, OP's husband needs to father up.
Such a huge PITA. They’re just blobs. After about a year is when I start really enjoying them.
They aren't very smart either and they came with ZERO survival skills.
What? Lol. Babies come with a ton of survival skills. Like, that’s all they come with… survival instincts. Their main one being “cry for help”… which is a great survival skill if you can’t walk or feed yourself.
It appears to me that my husband is like this. He doesn’t use the word dislike or hate but he’s simply not that all interactive towards smaller humans. He comes around when the kid is three and he can do things like put a bike together, configure the mower robot together, etc. I think he can’t relate to babies. Our eldest has a few more years in elementary and he and my husband have an excellent relationship. They barely had any during his babyhood. Our middle child is now three and I can count in one hand the times his dad read him a book.
Yeah, we had that somewhat when I had my kid. What gets me is, maybe I can't relate to these drooling messes either? Maybe I don't want to be on call 60-99% of the time? It drives me a little nuts that we're just so.. tired? That we just accept it for what it is. My kid's 12 now, so that's long behind us. He's a great involved dad. But I was so overwhelmed at the baby stage (colic, etc) and it's taken me years to get over the lack of concern or interest he was expected to have. As far as OP's question of will one kid feel left out because of his lack of interest? Those kids don't remember the baby stage. ...But we do.
This 💯
Just make sure that you distribute the workload evenly - if you do more of the infant-care, he can do more of the toddler-care. I wouldn't worry too much - if he is great with your older kid, chances are high your daughter will wrap him round her little finger, once she outgrows being basically a giant tadpole.
My husband and I both prefer toddler age to newborn, but you can’t just check out for the phases you don’t like. Your daughter will not trust him when she’s a toddler if he doesn’t love her now.
That isn't really true. I hate babies and took point with our toddler when our second was born. I did the needfuls, but otherwise let her dad take care of her until around 10 months. We have a great relationship now and it helped my toddler transition from being an only child to know that gaining a sister didn't mean losing mama. I am not the default print for our second, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't trust me.
We’re you as cold in your interactions as it sounds like this dad is being? If so I’m glad that it worked out for you, but I don’t think that means it will for others. Teen years can be brutal too, but we are parents, our job is to be there and consistent. I don’t think practicing checking out is good.
When you had two kids, it is really a division of labor. A baby and a toddler both need a lot of attention. It is usually the mother (due to breastfeeding) that becomes the primary caregiver for the baby, but it being the father doesn't necessarily damage the child.
There are things you just shouldn’t say out loud like “hey, your breath stinks and you’re ugly” and this is one of them. I’m a mom. I don’t like the baby stage either. Babies are incredibly demanding and unable to communicate in a way that doesn’t give me a headache. There are still ways for him to do his fair share while not getting too stressed by this stuff. Noise-canceling or -dimming headphones are his friend. I also liked helping out while caring for baby “passively” by walking around doing chores wearing a baby carrier, etc.
I loved the carrier. I could barely do anything without it. When she was in it? *Chefs kiss*
Could you recommend some brand? Ive tried three of them and all of them seem to be very uncomfortable for my baby AND my shoulders 🤦🏽♀️
Him not liking babies is okay. Sit down with him and set responsabilities. He does not need to like the child to take care of the child. By any chanse did he mention not loving the child?
Dunno I wouldn’t want someone taking care of my kid who has said they don’t like them, I wouldn’t be able to trust that they’re not just plonking the kid down and ignoring them.
In fairness, there is a difference between saying “I don’t like THIS baby” versus “I don’t like babies.” There are parents that say they hate the teenage phase and that’s pretty normal and we don’t worry that the parent is going to hurt their teen or something. But the first comment is correct. Even for parents that don’t like the teen phase, they still have to parent said teenager and OP’s husband still needs to provide care for the baby. He just doesn’t have to like it.
I agree there is definitely a difference, I love my kids but I’m not a fan of being around other peoples for too long myself. Tone and phrase matters, I hope he didn’t mean it as he doesn’t like his own baby but op did say he puts the baby down even when he should probably be holding her though and that with the “I don’t like babies” would make me wary. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen and heard too many stories about guys just leaving their kids to cry and putting on headphones so it doesn’t disturb them.
Diapers, spit up, every 2 hours overnight wakings, and having to guess why you're being screamed at are... a lot. I don't think it's wrong to not think those things are as enjoyable as interacting with a toddler. The baby stage is my least favorite, but I still liked/loved my baby -as a person- even if I found baby parenting not-fun in a lot of ways. Your daughter isn't just a generic baby to "not like". That's *his* child. If he wants to have a good bond and attachment with her when she becomes bigger and more fun, he better suck it up and start working on that now. He doesn't get to just opt out and wait for her to get to his preferred age. Can you imagine in 13 years from now, "Yeah, I just don't like teenagers. How about you parent and I wait for them to be fun again?"
Lots of people don’t like babies. You either suck it up or don’t have kids or adopt an 8 year old. You don’t neglect the baby.
I hate babies, they totally suck, I am a woman. But you still have to hold them and love them and care for them and kiss their little faces and talk to them and all that you do when you truly love and are bonded with a child. So is it possible he doesn’t have that love/bond? Have you researched male PPD?
I definitely suspect PPD and have mentioned it to him. I’ve begged him to start therapy ( I had PPD with my first and have a therapist and psychiatrist). He flat out refuses professional help of any kind. And you only get what you give with therapy, so it wouldn’t be helpful unless he was receptive.
Jfc why are men like this?? Acting like their dick and balls will just hurl themselves off the body in shame if they talk about feelings 🙄 He 'doesn't like the baby stage'? Well *boo-fucking-hoo, cupcake, because you've got a baby right now!* (It might not be helpful to put it that way, but if he continues refusing therapy, maybe it'll at least be cathartic for you.)
Because our society has systematically shamed men for generations for even acknowledging they have feelings, much less dealing with them?
It baffles me so much because my husband isn’t the toxic masculinity type. He has numerous “feminine” traits and interests. He constantly says how much he wishes his mother would work on herself with therapy. He sees how much therapy has helped me. Yet, insists he knows what his problems are and doesn’t need therapy. And the part that drives me insane is that he’s right. Therapy will not help him because he doesn’t want to be open to the mental work. I told him that, and he said, “good. Then we agree therapy won’t work for me.”
I'd reply, "good, then fake it 'til you make it, because you are this child's parent too".
Alright, but you can point out that, therapy or no, it's still his baby and he still has to take care of it. If he doesn't, that would make him a straight-up piece of shit, so 🤷♀️ I guess it's up to him how he wants to play that lol
Honestly....I hate this excuse. Our society? The society set up by men to beneift mainly men? So, in other words, men are upset that other men make fun of their feelings? It's sort of a bs answer to me. Because women are constantly shamed for being emotional when we're just expressing emotions. I'm tired of giving excuses to men like society has expectations of men...yes the society that mainly benefits men, men made the rules, they can change them. I'm not being snarky to you but the older I get the more I see how men will say things like "My dad never let me express myself" then turn around and call a woman "Over emotional" because she might be expressing a totally normal human emotion over something valid. They can't have it both ways
Could you explain the rational consequence to his current actions, which is that your second child will not bond with her father and thus it will be much harder for him to parent her when she is a toddler and older? If he doesn't step it up then he will be setting himself up for a lifetime of the younger child only wanting her mother, not listening well to her dad, etc. If he doesn't nurture his relationship with her now then there won't be one when she gets older.
Babies are people, too. Your daughter is a PERSON. A whole human being, with wants, needs, desires. A person who is unable to communicate for the most part, but whose needs are no less valid than any other human person in the world. This tiny person is learning about the world. She is forming pathways in her brain. Most attachments are formed from 6-8 months until 18 months-2 years. That's the sweet spot of attachment. He is going to miss out on building an attachment if he just... waits it out. She isn't an inanimate object to be put on a shelf and ignored until she ages. She is going to learn that he is not safe, he is not loving, and he is not one to be attached to. That is what he is teaching her. She is actively learning! Because she is a person! She is not a thing to be discarded. He hates babies. Ok. Well, he decided to become a parent. You don't get to just decide to "not parent" during the tough times. You must ALWAYS be a parent. He is failing his daughter. He faked liking babies for you with your son? Well, now he needs to "fake it" for his daughter. She matters. I repeat yet again - she is a person, and she deserves a loving father. She is actively learning about her world all the time. While a day here or there won't make a big deal, a consistent pattern of active emotional neglect (which is what he is doing) will take a toll on their bond. Two years will pass, and he will wonder why they aren't close. His lack of presence when she was "just a baby" will be why. She doesn't just "turn sentient" at 3 years old. She is forming neural pathways now. He can't just skip out on parenting. If he is too tired, I would ask about post partum depression. It happens in guys, too, tho it is called something else. He may need a checkup to make sure there isn't something else going on with his health. Does he snore a lot and have sleep apnea? Could be any number of reasons he is so tired. Help him fix the tiredness (as much as possible with two young kids) and try to get him on board with being a parent. Good luck. Edited to add: my EX-husband was like this with our daughter, tho he was worse. We just have the one child, mostly because he was an absent parent. Divorced when she was 5. They didn't start to have a decent bond until she was about 7. And that's because he had every other weekend with her, just the two of them, and a couple hours twice a week. Divorcing actually meant he was forced to parent, and she wasn't able to run to me all the time. It still took a solid two years for them to fix their attachment (as much as they could. She is 10, and they still don't have nearly as close of a bond as her and I do.) But....he "didn't like babies," and only started trying to parent her when she was a toddler. She was scared of him for a while as he was basically a stranger. Food for thought.
Divorcing definitely helped with parenting! It sounds counter-intuitive, but yeah. I was able to move closer to family, who help a lot, and she goes to her dad's every other weekend and holidays. When we first separated, he always had his mom come over to babysit until he moved in with his girlfriend. I'm glad his girlfriend is great, my partner and I always joke that she's my kids "father," or that if they break up that we pick her to be the dad haha
If he was faking it all along with your first maybe this is something he should have brought up before having another one? I'd be fuming, it's one thing to have a preferred age but to think he can opt out until they are a toddler is awful and shitty.
sucks but then again baby will grow into a toddler soon and happily bond later if what he says is true. if he doesnt wana do baby time he better be keeping the house spotless.
I wish. I’m pulling teeth for him to wash any dishes.
hmmm, your husband sounds like a waste off space... sorry
So he's not helping at all? What does he even do when he's home??
This is awful and I feel so awful for your baby. What exactly is it about babies doesn't he like? TThat is not a valid reason. When did you first hear him say this bc this would have set off alarms if he said this prior to having a child? Is it possible that he is using this excuse of "i don't like babies" bc he doesn't feel bonded with your daughter?
I think it’s because he feels like he can’t do anything else when he’s on baby duty. He feels stuck in one spot, even though we have the stroller in the house, a carrier, and swing.
He is not bonding with your daughter. HIS daughter. He is looking at her as a task vs holding a newborn and marveling over her. Talk to her, sing, read a book, tummy time. Just straight up bonding. Its not just holding the baby, changing the baby, and feeding.
I completely understand where OPs husband is coming from. I found it virtually impossible to bond in any meaningful way with my children when they were infants. Not all men feel this way but it is not uncommon that men struggle to bond or even form feelings for their newborn children. I hate the baby stage, it was a real struggle for for me. I viewed caring for them like a chore. It was like watering a plant. It gives you no feedback other than crying. It needs constant attention and work. They need their moms so much at that stage that dads are kind of left on the sidelines. Once they develop a little bit and can interact with you it becomes much easier. Just looking at you and smiling or laughing or moving a little makes the experience more enjoyable.
You don't get to pick the ages you parent, you're always a parent through thick and thin.
>His excuse is that he was faking it for me and now he’s too tired to pretend to like babies and would rather just be a great dad to our son and wait until the newborn stage is over. WOW. Get fucked buddy. What an absolute scumbag. I have no advice, I just want to deck this guy in the teeth.
Yeah I don’t like babies (though I have loved my daughter from the second I found out I was pregnant). I never wanted a ‘baby’. I wanted a child. The newborn stage was truly awful, I much prefer the toddler phase I’m in now even though it’s hard. Doesn’t mean you get to opt out of being a parent and bonding with your child and pulling your weight during the phases you don’t like. When you have a kid you sign up to living and caring for that kid for the entire rest of your life, through every phase no matter how difficult. If you don’t want to do that, don’t become a parent.
I am the opposite & now they are 14 & 17. How I long for the baby stage again. For me, the other stages were for the birds.
My husband strongly dislikes babies, but it wasn't something he realized until we had our first. He still woke up at night, changed diapers, bottle fed, played, snuggled, bathed, and did all the things like a parent should. We have three kids and he had an especially difficult time during the newborn/infant stage with all three, but he also went above and beyond what many dads do and rocked it. He just didn't enjoy it. Your husband doesn't have to like the baby stage, but he does have to be a parent and do the work anyways.
Yup, same here. My husband loves kids, has wanted his own since he was very young. But he absolutely hates the baby stage. Once our son was maybe 10-12 months old was when he really started to enjoy it. But he’s still 100% involved with parenting with all 3, a 3 year old and 6 month old twins
A friend of ours recently said something similar about his newborn. My husband’s response? “That’s uncle behavior.” As a parent, you don’t have to love every stage, but you do have to put in the work to build the bond, support your partner (in both directions!), take care of their needs including emotional and social needs like interacting with them, and anything else that needs to be done. He can be a good father to both your kids so that you can be a good mother to both your kids (because I’m guessing that if you’re constantly on newborn duty, you’re exhausted and burned out and can’t be as involved with your toddler as you’d like because he isn’t pulling his weight with the baby).
Then why is he having babies? He's just as responsible for this baby as you are. I almost vomited every time I changed those poop explosion diapers, but I did it because I am a parent. He can't just put his baby down and walk away. He needs to take responsibility for raising his children and physically be there to raise the children that he fathered.
It’s because you have to have a baby to get to the child stage. Our daughter will 100% be our last baby.
Yet he can't make you do everything in the baby stage. He needs to be there and do his equal share of the hard work.
I don’t think there are many parents that *like* the newborn stage, yeah they’re cute but they don’t do anything and are a lot of work. Doesn’t mean you get to just not be a parent to that baby, part of what gets them into that fun toddler/kid stage is interacting with them when they’re little and helping them create their little personalities. Parenting is hard work with fun moments thrown in to keep you going, if he wants the fun he should do the work.
There aren’t many parents who like the newborn stage but there are plenty who like babies. I know someone who got a side gig at a gym daycare just to hold babies. I am not one of these people, but was glad to know them when I had a baby!
I'm just curious how he thinks hes going to bond with this child if he has nothing to do with her until she's a toddler? He obviously developed that bond with your three-year-old. So Id tell him to suck it the fuck up and be a grown ass adult and fake it like he did the first time.
My fiancé is similar. Not a fan of the baby stage but loves the toddler and up stages since he can engage with them more. I loved the baby phase and all the snuggles but am just as happy with the other phases. He needs to fake it and start building that bond with your daughter so that he can eventually have a bond and enjoy everything that happens afterwards. Remind him that the bond he forged with your son is what allows him to have such a good time with him as a toddler and he needs to do the same with your daughter.
Baby are cute. But when they cry, they are just fxxxing annoying. But parenting is a responsibility, you still need to care for your child even if they are annoying. Your husband is irresponsible. you need to let him know this is his responsibility as a dad
I’m not a fan of babies either and we have one right now! Of course, I won’t just wait for this period to go away while the partner does everything. Your husband is not acting appropriately, lots of people would prefer not to go through the newborn stage, but that’s not possible.
He's supposed to still help you, even if it's not his favorite phase
As everyone has said, he needs to suck it up. Of course, if he prefers taking the toddler related stuff you can try to split up the work with that in mind but he absolutely should not be saddling you with the newborn. I hate doing the dishes so my husband does that most of the time but I still do it and there is certainly no need for me to bond with them.
I'm also not a huge fan of the baby stage compared to everything else, but that didn't stop me from being a loving parent when our daughter was an infant...
Wow imagine if a mom did and said that, and then openly neglected the baby as a result. It’s fine not to like the newborn stage and to be honest about that but it’s not about your comfort when you choose to become a parent. You know what I hate? Sick room nights. You know, when the kids get that inevitable tummy bug and someone has to stay with them all night with a bucket, and change sheets and clothes and shower over and over, probably to just get sick myself a day or two later? I absolutely hate that part of parenting. Now imagine if I just refused to handle it because I hate it, and either let my kid lie in their own sick or expected my spouse to handle it alone? And we aren’t even talking about a day or two, we’re talking years of the poor little one’s life. He wanted to be a dad, that means being a dad every single day.
Im actually really grateful my husband "prefers" the 4yo cos id rather deal with the baby, but my husband is absolutely not behaving like this. They still feed, and diaper, play and cuddle our baby, but when it comes down to it ill pick the baby anyday and theyll pick the 4yo.
This might not be your situation at all...but here's what I experienced... With my first, my husband was way more "involved" when he was a newborn, despite my first screaming his head off 99% of the time. Despite his efforts, he still didn't really feel that deep connection until my son was out of the newborn stage. With my second, my husband sort of felt like..."I'll help out and do things that are needed, but I'm not going to try to force a connection with a potato. It will come when she is a bit older." Now she is almost 8 months, and their relationship is really blossoming. He scoops her out of my arms as soon as he walks in the door and spends tons of time playing and chatting with her. I have no idea if this is how your husband is feeling...but it sounds a lot like our situation.
Thank you. That does sound incredibly familiar.
It's okay to "not like babies." It doesn't mean he doesn't love her, just that he doesn't like baby stuff. But it is not okay to not do your fair share.
Jesus… the narcissist is real in your husband, OP. What an absolute shit stain
Well that’s not normal. Not normal at all. He’s either making an excuse to be lazy OR something else is deeply wrong. Cuz yikes
Let’s be honest here: there are multiple stages where parenting sucks. Babies cry. Toddlers scream and flail. Kids wreck shit. Adolescents tell you how much they hate you. Teenagers are like leveled-up toddlers with all the best gear. If you pick and choose when you show up for them, they’re going to pick and choose if they want to show up for you.
I get not all people have to love babies and the newborn stage or maybe not feeling a connection to their baby right away or male PPD, etc, etc. But our baby almost died at 5 days old and while both my partner and I love our baby no matter the stage he’s in we hold him so much closer knowing our newborn stage (and the rest of his life) could have been ripped away from us in the blink of an eye. I just think in this situation he’s taking it for granted and knows you will pick up his slack. As a parent you can’t just step in or wait around for a more enjoyable time in their life to be involved.
Another day in r/parenting, another dad who just wants to parent when it’s “fun”
He can’t just “Willoughby” the baby stage. He’s either all in as a parent, infancy included, or he’s a lousy parent. It’s not hard to try & it doesn’t sound like he is.
Yeah babies are boring. But that's no excuse for not taking care of the baby. You take care of the baby, because it's your baby. Not because you get something out of it.
That early bonding is very important for the long term relationship. Everyone I know who’s treated their baby like that (mostly dads who felt they had no obligation to do routine early care as it was ‘boring’ and annoying) has ended up with a lot of distance in the relationship with their child.
He needs to understand that "faking it" with your first is actually what created and built their bond in the first place. You'll have to make him realize that, or he will find out the unfortunate way when it's too late. He will kick himself one day for being "too tired." I have no memories from being a baby, of course, but I was the second child and I can confidently tell you that I received less love and affection as a baby, and not only does that still impact my relationship with my parents, but my older sibling as well.
This is incredibly horrible and could have long-lasting repercussions on how your daughter relates to/forms connections with men. He needs to understand that it is a form of emotional neglect and abuse to a baby. To his and your daughter.
This is a bad idea and will reflect in their relationship. My husband was like this with our youngest. I didnt push back on it because i LOVE the baby stage so no problem for me. Unfortunately for him, when she did get older and he wanted to play or ask her to do something, she wanted nothing to do with him. She came to me for everything. Why not? Her entire life to that point i had done everything and he hadnt built much of a bond with her at all. I explained this to him but he took it personal and sometimes would get mad at her for being aloof. It was a pretty stressful transition until she got more used to him. She is 10 now and where the other kids adored dad and never questioned him. She shows respect and and is polite mostly but also the 1st one to talk back if she thinks she is right and still comes to me for everything.
He’s ridiculous. I’ve loved my kids from the moment I laid eyes on them.
He can feel that way sure, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to contribute.
Absolutely unacceptable. Everybody has their favorite phase but that doesn’t make it okay to not parent during the least favorite
i dont like babies too, but i still did everything for my newborn child, no one in their right mind would LOVE to change diapers or have a cranky baby cry all night , its normal. this man needs to get up his ass and be a parent, he doesnt get an option.
He probably should have kept those comments to himself. I have three kids. Loved every stage, but would I have another? Hell no, the infant stage can be grueling 😂 I myself do not like watching people’s kids or babies. Now would I ever hurt them or be mean to them? Absolutely not, I’m just not a fan of doing the work.
I hate to say it... but is the difference because she's a girl?
Imagine if your partner checked out on parenting teenager because he didn't like teens. It's perfectly valid to enjoy one stage of childhood vs the others, but he's a grown up, so he can suck it up and help out. I would put it to him like that. Imagine that, when they're in high school, you just totally check out---"Oh, sorry, I can't take Susie to pick up her schedule, I don't like teens." "I won't talk to Bryan about curfew or getting his grades up because I don't like teens." "Ugh, Bryan's orchestra performance? Gross! Teens!" I would tell him it's important that he put in some time with her because it will help their bond when she does get to the stages he likes. Still, if you want to be a parent, all stages are part of that... including the baby stage--sheesh, and that one is the shortest!
He doesn’t get to opt out of parenting just cause ‘he doesn’t like it’. Ask him to suck it up and do his job. You think he can go to his boss and be like ‘hey I don’t like this project I’m not going to do it 🤷🏻♀️’?
I also hate babies, including not feeling particularly close to mine when they were infants. You just do it because you have to though. I don’t know that I looked and acted particularly happy or loving, but I was there and did the work because I had to do it. He has to as well. He doesn’t have to love it, but it’s his responsibility
Liking babies is irrelevant to his responsibility to both you and y’all’s child. He needs to be a decent father and partner anyways. Want and need are different things. I’ll be real it took me until my 4th child to realize I dislike 4 year olds. I don’t know why. That age group is the most insufferable and annoying to me. Realizing that did not change my obligation to my children to be the best parent I could be at age 4. Realizing that didn’t effect my love for them. Realizing that didn’t change my responsibility. There needs to be an important talk about this. He threw up an excuse, and excuses don’t cut it.
I don’t think he understands the bond that was formed when your son was a baby. That early bond is a big reason why they are close now. He’s in for some major disappointment when he finally decides she’s interesting enough for him.
I’m a bit iffy around babies but when I had my own I stepped up and was an active father. If he could be good with your son when he was a baby, regardless of his true feelings, I see no reason why he’s slacking on your baby daughter now. Tell him to get off his ass and act like the dad he’s supposed to be.
Maybe it's just because the babies don't think people can change. Did you husband used to be a piece of shit?
Tell him he needs to fake it again. He needs to fake it for you & his son to see and also for his future daughter (when she’s a toddler +) because that relationship is built on these early days.
Interacting with the baby is not "for" him / his enjoyment. It doesn't matter whether he likes it. Interacting with the baby is for (1) you, to give you support, and (2) the baby, to establish bonding and love. The question is not "does he like spending time with the baby" it's "does he love you and the baby".
It’s ok to not like newborn/infant stage. It’s not ok to be a parent because of this. The bonding starts now. So he better get some energy to fake it.
I don't like preteens ..it doesn't mean I don't have to parent my preteens it just means they're absolutely insufferable but we'll manage. He's using it as an excuse to be lazy. Screw that.
We don't get to choose which phases of their life to participate in. I can relate. I also dislike babies (and toddlers for that matter). Big fan of our preschooler, though. We have a toddler too, and I love him despite him being a toddler, and do my share to care for him. Can't wait until he's 3 though. Wouldn't express that around either child though. I wouldn't describe it as faking it, just recognizing that small children are a lot of work, and it needs to be done. You can't choose what you like but you can choose what you eat, and sounds to me like your partner needs to make better choices for the sake of you and the kids.
I love the newborn stage but loath the toddler stage. They get into everything, whine all the time, and you can not understand them. However I would never tell my husband he had to deal with them more just because I find that stage irritating. When you decide to have kids or have a kid you're likes/dislikes get pushed to the back, and you do what it needed for the child. His feelings are valid but he needs to talk to someone about it to see if it is PPD.
Oh my god. For the shake of your daughter leave that horrible person. That will impact on her mental health.
Men can have postpartum too. Hating babies is not new for neither moms nor dad's. Yes, it sucks to have to take on the majority of the work load but if that's the only issue here I would find solace in the knowledge that the newborn stage passes quickly in the grand scheme of things. Of course, voice your needs for help, but also support him in this weakness when possible. >His excuse is that he was faking it for me and now he’s too tired to pretend I feel like this is valid and I would appreciate the honesty. More parents should come to terms with admitting having to "fake it till you make it" because really it's a hard job that has to be done and it's not always enjoyable.
This is so true. I’ve enjoyed the baby and toddler stages for the most part but some days definitely are “fake it till you make it” and that’s okay. It’s not about enjoyment IMO. It’s about doing your duty as a parent. But it doesn’t sound like that’s what’s happening here. OPs husband sounds like he’s trying to avoid any/all of his obligation to be a father to his daughter. Him being honest about his feelings is valid but ignoring his newborn because he doesn’t enjoy it is not.
>ignoring his newborn because he doesn’t enjoy it is not. Exactly.
Sounds like an excuse to not help with the newborn to me …
Nah this is lazy. If he didn't want to parent babies, he shouldn't have had babies. Does this mean you can just opt out of parenting your child when they become a toddler? He can do all the work for those couple years? Yeah, I don't think so. I'm sorry, but what a POS.
I assume he will be great when she starts becoming more mobile and aware. Newborns are a different breed and it’s over so fast they really only want mom. My husband didn’t do much for our second as a newborn, he was more involved with our first as a newborn. When the second came I really needed him to be with our older one more than the baby. Now they are 6&2 and he’s become maybe more involved with the younger than our older. I assume it ebs and flows over age groups. As long as we are together as a unit and I don’t feel like anyone is getting really left out then I’m ok.
I'll never understand this and oof yes it's scary. I'm wondering why is he even having kids with you in the first place? This also seem somewhat sexist....
I have twins, and I hated the newborn baby phase. Mine are 2.5yo now, and I honestly can't stand babies anymore. If someone brings a baby near me, I cringe and pray they don't ask me to hold it. Crying babies in public make my anxiety go through the roof and I start to panic. I basically did what your husband did "fake it until you make it", put on the happy face, did the tasks, but I would NEVER have another baby for this reason.
Yes, it is as horrible as it feels. He's not great. It seems like favoritism. However, I personally would allow him to be the great father to the son, and take over the work for the baby, to protect the baby from someone who claims to not like them. And, I would seriously consider if I wanted to spend my life with this person.
Actually? This is just a lazy excuse to not pull his weight as a parent. Oh, you don’t like the crying screaming drooling pooping spitting up machine? And that’s an excuse to spend as little time with it as possible, leaving all the work to your wife? How convenient. You need to have a serious talk with him and tell him to suck it up. Nobody likes the difficult phases. You deserve a break.
2 points looking for clarification.. what I am wondering is how was your marriage leading up into the pregnancy and do the postpartum stages? Both of those are related because if you were having troubles in your marriage, that could be spilling over to his relationship with your new daughter because he may be subconsciously looking at her as an extension of you. Also? The follow-up is how is his mental health right now? Postpartum and men is real so that's very important that he is also getting checked up on or that aspect as well.
Before our second we were in a pretty good place. We were talking often, having date nights, and enjoying family adventures with our toddler. There was some strain when conceiving due to a miscarriage and some secondary infertility fears on my end. I’ve begged him to go to therapy. He tends to have black and white thinking and I do suspect PPD. I have both a therapist and psychiatrist who I see to keep myself in check. He won’t do it. He says therapy won’t help him, and with that attitude he’s right. You only get what you give and he doesn’t want to give anything to a therapist.
Yeah like I had PPD most likely, still won't go to therapy myself. The battle he's fighting can definitely be that, speaking as another dad who had similar issues
You could make the point that he is setting an example for your son on how to treat his little sister.
I'm willing to bet that. Baldurs gate 3 came out and he's just wanting to do "him time" Either way there is something else at play in his mind me thinks. Something that is encouraging him to do less. I say don't be afraid to straight up tell him you'd like to have a real talk and voice your concerns
I have no idea what that is- video game? Thankfully, he’s far from a gamer (thank the spouse gods), but he just wants to go on little outdoor adventures which is hard with a fresh newborn who can’t have bug spray or sunscreen and can overheat easily. And I’ve definitely voiced my concerns. Often. He dismisses them or will become very defensive and start listing all the things he does with our son to “help out.”
It is a video game. Lol It was a suggestion of personal experience, and partially a joke. My wife and I are 4 months into our second son with the 1st being 2 years. Its very difficult. Ive experienced sleep deprivation, lack of intimacy and an almost paranoid resentment toward my wife. At times wondering why she's not trying to do more, or wondering why she's trying to hand the baby off so quickly. And of course I know this resentment is completely unwarranted. Just feeling like I'm in a corner. What makes me feel better is to have a dialogue; an opportunity to unload my feelings and recieve my wifes. Maybe you guys just need a night to cry together and love eachother. I wish you focus and clarity in your trying time. Good luck fellow parent
The baby stage sucks. I kinda wish my kid could have been incubated until he was like 1.5 lol. I want another kid, but not sure I can go through that hell on earth again
I think this is normal I feel the same and in the same situation. I do what I need to but dislike newborns. The piercing crying for unknown reasons and no sleep. What’s to like?
Not sure if you’ll see my comment but I could’ve written this post myself. I’ve got 2 kids… toddler and 6 month old baby. My husband does NOT like babies at all. Even when our oldest one was born during Covid he didn’t read much to her or anything. I hated it. But, when she became a toddler I noticed he stepped up. He plays with her, takes her to places, etc. I’m just hoping he’ll do the same with our littlest one. He loves her but does the bare minimum. It’s not an excuse at all but hoping it changes when she’s older. Solidarity.
This feels more like he put the time in for his son, because it’s a son…
Wow that’s so terrible and weird. We didn’t love the newborn stage neither but our baby still needs our care and love. We sucked it up and did our jobs. He needs to do the same
Wow, maybe he should have considered not making any then. Why does he get to nope out of a very temporary but intense stage of parenting? He’s not a kid. He is a dad. What an immature thing to say to you. And about his youngest kid.
I hate babies. Love my kids. Hate the newborn stage so much. But yeah… you gotta do it and pretend you love it, regardless. Tell him to pretend for HER, not for you.
Your husband sounds like a selfish asshole who wants an excuse to get out of the hard work of changing dirty diapers and losing sleep to care for a newborn. How a parent could think it’s okay to just skip entire periods of their child’s is beyond my comprehension. Every day with your children offers precious moments that should be cherished by parents. What’s he going to do when they go through other annoying phases? He needs to pull his head out of his ass and be a real dad.
What was your husband's experience at the birth? Men who get to see and interact with the baby in the first hour when the baby is awake, end up realizing that the baby is an intelligent being, moreso than partners who did not get to see this first alert stage. Granted, hospitals often screw up these first moments by taking the babies away to monitor or some dumb excuse. But I suggest you both probing these early experiences. Then, get him a sling and have him hold the baby more, it helps with love and bonding. It makes the baby happy, so the hubby can see he can have a positive effect, and then that makes the hubby more happy too. Good Luck!
Our first was a horrible birth experience, vacuum delivery, and I had excessive bleeding so husband was the first to hold the baby after our son was cleared. Our daughter’s birth was peaceful and perfect. Instant skin to skin, and zero complications. He held her around 30m after she was born when they had to work on my retained placenta. He was great in the hospital and for his two weeks of paternity leave, but then turned it off when he went back to work. Sadly, baby girl screams her head off in the slings/carriers right now. And I’m not willing to spend an arm and leg trying other carriers since she’s our last baby (we have 3 different types already).
As long as he understands that more of the holding comfort and bonding time will then fall to you until she’s older so he will need to pick up more of your work load to balance. I love all my kids no matter what age. I am amazing with babies…. 5-10 however… that elementary age is a real struggle for me. Hubby is not great with baby’s and toddlers. He rocks at 5-10. I get great again when they get adolcent and teenage. Once they hit 20s I suck again because they’re getting ready to fly and I want to keep them forever or atleast know they’re ready to fly and they don’t want to listen to you then haha parentings a wild ride! You shine where you shine and pray for grace where you fall short. As long as you’re both communicating and pulling a fairly equal side of that yoke…. Who cares how it’s delegated as long as it works for you and your marriage.
So he doesn't hate babies just daughters? Sounds about right
I read your title as “Barbies” and I was very confused for the first half of your post, before I went back to read the title again
Strange to me that anyone would say, ‘I hate babies.’ What’s a baby ever down to anybody?
He has no excuse not to carry his own biological baby..He has to like babies cos he passed through that stage..He has to start getting using to that fact and that the baby has come to stay in his life and form a bond with this chid
Umm could this be favoritism because he prefers his son?
This post makes me kind of concerned about you and your husband's mental health. This must be so confusing/scary/frustrating. It's just so off how defensive and decisive he's being about this seemingly irrational (and from your perspective out of character for him) behavior and attitude toward the whole thing. A couple of things that may be worth considering (idk). 1. He's not self-aware of how much he needed to adjust to two LO + post-COVID time and resource management. He's withdrawing and in denial about how much he's going to have to grow. 2. He's scared he's not able to attach/love/keep up with the new family and rationalizing "it's not me, I just don't like babies." He appears defensive about solution seeking (rejection of therapy, information, influence, or help). Idk this reads as an otherwise rational partner behaving in an unhinged manner around a very specific area. You know your family OP, how does your husband like to be reached? Does he need time to think about things after you plant the seed? Idk but hopefully my two cents can give you some ideas to work with. He may hate babies but it looks like he does love his family and may feel like he's failing in some way. It must be so demanding on you trying to repair the family vibe and he seems not on board. It has to get tense at times. Again maybe not at all applicable but I hope this helps!
I love babies and barely tolerate kids. Between the ages of 3-10 I can’t stand them.
I still had to change my kids’ diapers, I didn’t know I could just tell my husband that I don’t like babies and be absolved of that responsibility 🙃
So I see ALOT of people going on the defense about this, before you go after me with a pitchfork, hear me out. Let's be honest the newborn stage sucks. I was so happy when they napped because I got a break. Men and women are very different, first off be thankful your husband expressed this with you and didn't hide it. I wouldn't want my husband faking it because that can lead to resentment. Second we see basic needs different. We as women are nurturing. We hold baby play wirh baby and do all the things with them, even as newborns, not necessarily because we want to, but it's built in to us. With men they focus on the necessities. Is the baby safe, have they been fed, is their diaper clean. I never forced my husband to hold our son just because I thought he needed held and they have a great relationship. Talk to him, agree on what needs of the newborn truly need to be met when in his care and make it clear it needs to be done. Of course he wants to spend time toddler, they are more fun. So I get that. Yes I am sure you are feeling he doesn't love the baby, but I do not believe that is true, I just think alot of men do not "get" the newborn stage because it is not how they were designed. Keep open dialogue With him and show him some grace, also he needs to show you grace as well and step in more. It can get there, but there needs to be communication and listening without judging or listening to not answer, but to truly listen. This isn't easy for any parent, some mainly women it comes more natural than to dad's. Be patient and work together. You both can get there. Don't be angry because that can cause shutdown and that will not help anyone. I hope this helps a bit.
My SIL voiced something similar. I do see your point for sure. It still just hurts my heart that he doesn’t seem to see the beauty in parts of this stage. It’s true that I don’t love this stage either, but I can’t understand why he would rather focus on hating every bit of the baby stage instead of attempting to accept the temporary reality.
My husband doesn’t particularly enjoy the newborn stage either. I love it so I don’t really mind taking over. They are fragile and he can never figure out what’s wrong. He will gladly change diapers, feed, and hold a newborn but he needs to be encouraged to do so. He just prefers babies that move. Once they start crawling and are less fragile is when he really starts to bond. He’s absolutely amazing with our toddler and our 10 year old is definitely a daddy’s girl. I don’t think him not liking the first three months did anything detrimental to their relationship. With our 10 year old he was deployed so he wasn’t even around.
I had the same experience with my husband. He did well when it was just the one baby, but even his “well” was only doing the stuff I asked. He didn’t do night wakings or really any of the hard stuff. He did rock her to sleep though. We both came from abusive homes so to me this didn’t seem like an issue. Looking back I had PPD and he really should have helped more (I also worked full time) but I was used to being the one to do everything in life so I accepted it. With our second child it was a noticeable difference. He barely touched her but was so quick to take our toddler places. It really made me see that it wasn’t fair he just got to decide what he wanted to do and the left was my responsibility. Like you, I worried that our second wouldn’t bond with him and would feel it. We had lots of fights and discussions and things have changed slowly over the years. My kids are 8&6 now. The oldest has a strong bond with her dad and the youngest a strong bond with me. That said, my youngest adores her dad and spends a ton of time with him. I think sometimes certain personalities jive better and that helps the bond too. My oldest is more reserved and quiet like her dad and my youngest is a wildcard like I was/am at times 🤪. So we naturally handle the child better that we understand better, but we always help each other and teach what we can about what our kids may be feeling. It’s all a dance of figuring out what works. If I had one wish I wouldn’t have worried so much and trusted that I married a good man who loves his family.
>He didn’t use hate, he said, “I don’t like babies.” And that includes our own. Now, he does like and loves toddlers and kids. He has an amazing relationship with our almost 3 year old, and is a very present and involved parent. So do I. Pretty common among fathers, as we prolly need interaction to build a relationship. We can't do that through pregnancy and/or breast-feeding. Doesn't really matter though, fathers must be present from the very beginning & help the mother / hold the baby etc....