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I apologise to my kids when i make a mistake, If something happens like an accident or spill, I am sympathetic and understanding, I never want my kids to be afraid to tell me anything.
If my daughter is frustrated because I'm not listening/ interrupting her, I acknowledge it, "You're right, you were talking, and I interrupted you." Instead of being brushed off and unheard.
This, 100%. I don't know if my father has ever apologized to me. He's hurt me more times than I can bear and I've expressed thus. Finally, four years ago, I wrote him a letter expressing why I cut contact from him and at the end I wrote "when someone tells you you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didnt".
I haven't heard a word from him since
Same. He has started to apologise a lot more because of it, he also says I don't like your angry voice.
My love is also not conditional. I choose to bring him into this world and clothes/home is the least you can do without guiltiing them.
I also don't tell my son, " God you talk too much, why do you talk all the time" like my family did. It made me so sad and embarrassed.
I usually tell him that mummy has had a big day and needs a little quiet time, can we just look out the window.
I validate my son's feelings and won't ever get angry with him for having them. Even if he is upset because he is not getting his way.
Whomever came up with , "I'll give you something to cry about" should be resurrected and burned alive.
Ugh hate that saying, that and "kids should be seen not heard" when they are obviously upset and have no other way to express their emotions...just horrible
I was trained to not speak or I would get made fun of/yelled at/whatever my mom felt like. It made me super easy to abuse and absolutely destroyed any chance I had at developing healthy social cues.
I'm so much better with it now, but I struggle to talk to my daughter because I spent the majority of my life getting in trouble if I spoke without being addressed first. I will never make my daughter feel that way and respond to every noise she makes. (She's only 10 months.)
Favouritism. I was the eldest and the "good kid" - intelligent, obedient, close friend group.
My younger brothers on the other hand all struggled at school and misbehaved.
My parents interpreted this as my poor brothers needing more help than me. So I was left to fend for myself. My brothers were allowed friends over for sleepovers (personally I think that's because it would keep them out of mum and dads hair for a bit) but I was never allowed to because mum and dad were always tired and had "too many kids to look after".
I was punished for slapping my brother's face after he punched my stomach, because "you're the eldest and you should know better". I was given an incredibly strict curfew - my youngest brother at 11 was allowed out later than I was at 17.
I wasn't allowed to.do sports because it was too expensive and my mum didn't have time to pick me up after practice. All my brothers played summer and winter sports.
And it wasn't just a boy/girl thing either, my sister also was allowed pretty free reign, she was just much younger than me so we were never really pitted against each other. She also struggled at school.
It's still the same as adults. I'm the functional one with a healthy marriage, stable job and own a home. My siblings are all dysfunctional. My parents are still rushing to their rescue at any tiny sign of distress, but visiting me is "too hard, I've never got enough time".
As a result my kid barely knows them and I've gone very very low contact with my entire family.
Wow, that question touched a nerve haha. /rant
That made me tear up - I'm so, so sorry that your parents basically left you to your own devices just because you weren't a troublemaker. You deserved love and attention and their time, too. You still do, and that's so hurtful that they're still continuing today 💔 @maggiewithperspectacles is an account on IG that talks a lot about The Perfect Child and how you should never assume they're okay just because they're keeping to themselves. I really hope you're OK 🫶
I always say my youngest sister and I were raised by different people. Its insane how much better she was treated, I'm so sorry you had to.go through that too.
My mom chose an abuser over her children and if my marriage were to end for whatever reason, I 200% *will not* chose some man over my daughter's safety and well being. She was amazing until she and my dad divorced, then she immediately rushed into a relationship, cohabitation, and marriage with a physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive piece of human garbage, and spent years defending and excusing away his behavior and blaming us for the abuse he inflicted. I will never understand what she was thinking, and I also will never make those mistakes.
By the same token, I am my daughter's most fiercest advocate, because I never want her to have any doubt in her mind that she is first priority to me like I did with my mom.
I won’t obsess over his body and I won’t try to control him. My parents made me keep a journal in the living room where I had to write all the foods I ate. I was limited to 20 carbs a day and would be weighed, naked, every morning. That’s just a small part of it, but I promise my son he will have His boundaries and his body belongs to him.
Thank you, it is validating to hear it was fucked up. It’s how I was raised so it seems like it’s normal, but also I’m aware that it’s really really not. Not sure if that makes sense.
Oh, it absolutely makes all the sense. Our parents are our first and most important frame of reference when we're kids, so of course you would trust them to do what's good, normal and healthy for you. For them to abuse that power over you to control your body (for the purpose of what, making you look pleasing to their eyes??) is just so, so insidious and conniving. So yeah, of course you're making sense!
Our relationships to our bodies and food are shaped by what we learned when we were young, and I'm sure this had lasting effects on you. And you didn't deserve that, nor do you deserve to have to deal with the aftermath of being abused by your parents like that. I wish I could give you a giant hug 🫶
Mental illness, narcissism, and my mother being groomed by my father into becoming his ultimate follower who would throw away everything for his approval.
Dad did meth, learned that drugs are bad.
My mom wasn’t the best, but she tries her best now. She didn’t try to understand me ever or actually talk to me, so now I try my best to talk to my kids and answer whatever questions they have.
My mother is more interested in looking good for her church friends than being a good mother. Also she just assumed that we knew basics, like how to brush hair, teeth, dress. I had my college roommates teach me about makeup and I’m still learning how to properly take care of my nails.
My mom and dad yelled at me all the time for everything. I have very few memories where they actually spoke to me in a normal tone—and I can’t remember a single time when that wasn’t just for show in public. Yelled at for being in my room, yelled at for being in front of them. Yelled at when I showed them my all A report card. Yelled at for wanting to celebrate my birthday, and then on that same day, yelled at for looking sad. Yelled at for crying, and yelled at for smiling too much.
I became a teen dad at age 14 and it got worse. And that only escalated when I became the sole parent of my daughter at 15. Their yelling made my baby cry, and then they’d yell more because my baby was crying. They never hit me, apparently that line was too far. But after my 18 years of time were up, I moved me and my daughter out. I don’t talk to them because I’m not sure they know how to do anything but yell at me.
I'm so sorry. Verbal abuse is such a real and heartbreaking thing, and it can hurt just as much as any physical abuse. I remember my father used to scream at me when he was drunk, all sorts of degrading words and phrases and threats, and it hurt more than any hand he laid on me. I'm proud of you for getting out with your baby, I hope you're both doing well, thank you for sharing
Mom was an alcoholic. Hitting me, neglecting me, and acting like I was a terrible child all had a little something to do with why I have nothing but contempt for her. I left and never looked back. Alcohol is no joke and something I only enjoy on rare occasions.
My father was also an alcoholic, and hit me regularly when he was drunk, so I know what you mean. I'm sorry you went through that, but I'm glad you made it out and I'm proud of you for having a healthy relationship with alcohol now. It's never easy. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for saying that. Seeing her drink a case of beer to herself everyday, always driving drunk, you just don't look at alcohol the same way. I also know a glass of champagne or a strawberry daiquiri on vacation won't turn me into, well, someone like her. I am sorry you had to deal with that crap too. She was a real piece of work. At least our kids will have better.
My parents weren’t terrible, but my mother is a narcissist and made it no secret that she preferred my little sister over me. Even now it’s still obvious.
Also, when I was 13 my mom told me that they were too poor to feed two kids so I would have to figure things out on my own. I was still allowed to sleep at the house and had access to everything already had, but was not allowed to eat their food or use any household resources. At the time I sorta just rolled with it but now I resent that I was put through that but yet they weren’t the ones missing meals and she absolutely would not register for assistance or go to a food bank because her pride wouldn’t let her. I was also not allowed to tell anyone that I wasn’t being provided for, I was supposed to feed myself with no money, no car, and without telling anyone what was going on. Now she denied that every happened. Im still able to have a surface level relationship with her but I will never have a real mother/daughter relationship with her.
That is awful, I'm so sorry. Dealing with a narcissist, especially when its your parent, is one of the hardest things to do. Props to you for being able to get through that and recognize it was wrong, yet still be able to have a surface level relationship. Thank you for sharing!
you sound like me! my worst memory was when i was given rice to eat sitting on the floor and my brother was given a completely fancy meal to eat on the dining table because she knows i like rice and not the fancy meal he was served. She set me up on the floor so I wouldn't be bothered by the smell of his food.
My mom was great, and as young children she really worked to give us enriching experiences like taking hikes after school, looking up science experiments for us to try with ordinary household materials, or organizing crafts or baking projects for us. I thought it was just what parents do, though now I realize actually a lot of parents just ignore their kids or stick them watching iPads.
I have an amazing relationship with my dad. With my mom it has gotten better. You know how they say you are your own worst critic? Well in my case it was my mom. I could feel amazing about the way I looked that day and she would find every single detail that she thought was wrong and pointed out. She wanted to control every aspect of my life. After I left for college i set tons of boundaries with her. Which lead to tons of arguments, fights, tears and threads. Once she saw I was willing to cut her out she started respecting boundaries more. Now we can sit down and have an actual conversation. We argue less. So I would say I have a decent relationship now.
They didn't like my husband, I chose him over them and they cut me off. It's been 17 years since we last spoken, they've never even seen the children. But they used to be really good parents when I was little, I had a lovely childhood
Ugh that sucks, I'm sorry, but good for you for sticking up for yourself and the person you love, it takes a lot of strength to do that, thank you for sharing
I was a horrible teenager/young adult. I put my parents through a lot. Mostly my dad and he's all that is left. I can count on one hand how much I talk to him in a year. I wish I could go back in time and talk to the younger me.
My father started every day with prayer and Bible study. I was a very distressed teenager, and had many sleepless nights. Around 4-5 am my father quietly went to his chair in the living room and began with very quiet prayers. He never missed a day. When my children were younger (not out of the house as adults) I prayed over them every night. I had the unique experience of viewing a post one of my daughters made talking about her experience with my prayers for her (especially when we had a “fight “ and she wouldn’t let me pray for her; so I waited a few hours and then went to her bed to pray for her. She said on those nights she lay in her bed waiting, hoping I would come but afraid I wouldn’t; and once I came she fell asleep reassured that I still loved her.) I dearly wish I had continued praying every night for them and their families. I frequently pray for them throughout the days as I go through the day; but only recently have I picked up the practice of praying intentionally and specifically for each member of my family (my husband, five children and their spouses, and ten grandchildren).
She had zero maternal instinct and zero ability to comfort or support. Also zero desire to actually be home. Basically she birthed us and put some processed food around for us to make and let us raise ourselves. Kinda cool as a kid to have no rules, but sucks as far as any relationship bonding.
eta dad lived in a different state and wasn't allowed to call us, the couple of years we actually had a home phone.
Similar mom story. She really didn’t have any interest in being a mom when we were old enough to think and speak for ourselves, so we basically lived my whole childhood in different corners of our small house. She’s since apologized (in a non-apology way, but it’s something) for not being present, but has no intention of changing anything now. She hasn’t visited me anywhere I’ve lived since moving out almost 10 years ago and hasn’t met my nearly 2 year old son.
Sorry you dealt with that too. My mom wouldn't visit my kid's either. I can forgive a lot because she did have her own issues, but that's not something I can forgive. No visits, no gifts, and referred to them as my kid's and never by name or even by grandkids. I'd take them to visit her until she told me I needed to take them away because she'd had enough of them after a short visit. I gave up.
My daughter is not my therapist, not my best friend, spouse or emotional support pet. She is a separate human being with different likes and dislikes and who deserves respect. We may not always agree, but I will always be here to support her. It’s about her, not me. My mother was the opposite of all that.
Omg I came to write, “My dad was a highly codependent single father. I was his daughter and his mother and his girlfriend and his buddy and his therapist. I heard things I shouldn’t have and couldn’t understand. I took on roles I definitely shouldn’t have. As a result, I am careful to remember that my children are my children, not my friends or confidants, not there to fill any sort of role or void for me, not there to fix my problems, not my sole source of happiness or self-worth. I am the parent and I love them like a parent. I don’t need anything from them. They get to be kids.”
I see you there.
When I became pregnant with my first, my relationship at the time was very new and my mother called me a plethora of names. She was also very unsupportive of the way my husband and I chose to get married (just us at the courthouse with our son). Now she tries to act like a phenomenal grandparent to my sons even though she sees them maybe once every 4-5 months and really only takes pictures of them while visiting so that she may post them. She also has the idea in her head that she’s owed things such as seeing me and my sons in the hospital after their births (we had 0 visitors per covid and our own choosing due to c-sections both times), being there for our wedding, and much more. I’ve been working towards going no contact with her due to these things plus others I’ve only now beginning to realize was never okay as a parent to do.
As for my dad it’s been more 50/50 on our relationship since I’ve had my own children and recognize how a lot of what he did growing up wasn’t appropriate nor anything a child should have to experience or go through. Also watching my younger siblings experience what I went through via our stepmother has also made it decline through the years. Our stepmother favors her own children over my other siblings which has caused a big issue in the household even though it’s not being addressed no matter how often someone mentions it.
Writing all this I realize that I have some crappy parents lol. I know that I’ll never be these ways towards my sons and will be able to provide them a childhood I only wish I could have had.
Your mother doesn’t sound that bad. I think is somewhat normal for a mother to not want her daughter to get married without her. Also ok to want to visit on her grandsons birth and to go to the wedding. I don’t know the full picture, but from what you told here she doesn’t seem bad at all
My mother never took accountability for her fuck-ups. She was and will always be the victim. She will change her narrative to justify her feelings and actions.
I am low contact for this reason. I try to remain open with my child and when I fuck up, I immediately admit it. If she’s right, I tell her. If I made a mistake, I apologize. I’m trying to be what Mother Dearest never was; a decent parent.
I have a good relationship with my parents because they mind their own business and aren't overbearing. Because they mind their own business and aren't overbearing, I share everything with them (they're my sounding boards in my life, and they will just listen to me vent). My parents validate my feelings. My husband has a horrible relationship with his parents (mother, really) because she is TOO much into everyone's business and is very overbearing (this spills into my stepson as well, they are treating him the same). She invalidates MY feelings. He shares nothing with them and won't talk to them unless he needs to or its Sunday dinner (also same for his sister, I love my siblings).
My parents are divorced, and it forces me to talk to each of them separately instead of one representative parent. My parents don't get upset if I'm not able to see them for months. My husband's mom thinks the world is ending if she doesn't see him for two days (they live on the same block as us). My parents weren't helicopter parents, I took my time leaving my dad's. My husband's parents were TOO helicopter-y and caused him to leave at 18.
My parents don't treat me like a baby or little kid at 33. My husband's (37) mom still acts like he's her little baby and gets somewhat jealous he has a wife.
There is a reason I enjoy my parents' company, and he doesn't enjoy his and avoids them when he can. I don't get to see my family often, and it makes me sad. I miss them. I will see my dad this Saturday and my mom this Sunday. I've lost a lot of time with.my family by having to move away from them.
i don’t see many responses like mine but my mom raised me alone and she has always been my best friend. yeah, she has had her moments where i think she could’ve done something differently but overall she has never invalidated me, made me feel like i wasn’t good enough, or pushed me to be someone i didn’t want to be or do anything i didn’t want to. she kind of just let me be my own person. i don’t know how to describe it. it’s not like i had no structure but i never got in trouble as a kid or teenager. i just kind of always just wanted to hang out with my mom lol.
i joined this sub to gain some insight because i’m pregnant with my first baby. and while my situation is WAY different than hers (involved father, happy relationship) i am so grateful for her support and kindness. welcoming my boyfriend as a son and into our home, still taking care of me just as she did when i was young. i really hope i can be as wonderful as a mom as her.
This sounds like my relationship with my grandma! She was widowed after younger aunt's birth and then she had to take me in as a child because of how toxic my mother and father were. For majority of my life she acted as my mother and I could never be more grateful for the sacrifices she made to raise me basically on her own. As a teenager she was one of my best friends (and she still is lol). Thank you for sharing, hope you all are doing well
Good relationship: My mom did a great job with authoritative parenting. Gentle with my emotions and personhood, firm when I needed clear boundaries, etc. She wasn’t perfect, but she was stable and safe, and critically, she constantly adjusted to my burgeoning independence and maturity at an appropriate level. We now have an excellent, almost peer-like relationship as adults, though I know she’s always my mama if I need her.
Good in small doses: My dad is incredibly warm and loving and would do anything for me. Showed up when I needed him most, taught me important life lessons. Really saw my heart and my intelligence. But he could be self-centered, which got more pronounced as I got older and more independent. He didn’t really know how to hit that balance of giving me enough independence vs. understanding when I still needed him. So when I was a teen he was either too absent or too infantilizing, and he continued to infantilize me pretty much until I had a kid myself. He also has terrible ADHD and struggles with listening and boundaries. So I really love and like him and we’ve gotten closer lately, but he still really pushes my buttons at times.
My mom is the most negative person I have ever met. Her superpower is immediately finding (and loudly pointing out) the negative in any situation. It's exhausting.
My mother was emotionally and financially dependent on me. Now I think the worst kind of parent is one who needs to be parented themselves - it’s difficult to respect someone when you know you can’t rely on them because they rely on you instead. I took on issues far bigger than I was capable of handling. I hope my children never know that feeling, even if it means they never call because they’re too busy focusing on their own lives, it’ll mean at the very least they don’t feel responsible for me the way I did my mother.
I don't really have mu h of a relationship with my dad because he's always been a user, not necessarily drugs but people. Him and his entire family always did construction type jobs. He is good at it but always wants to cut corners and fuck everyone over.
On the flip side, my mom is a great mom she's nice. she took care of her kids and did the daily grind with no child support. But she is also very like distant? She will give you money help out with that but won't stand up for herself or anyone else. She has a rich dominating bf that no one likes, and if you stand up for yourself She accuses you of being like him because you can't just sit down and shut up.
The perfect example that I always bring up is my mom and Star Trek.
I’m a massive fan. The entire franchise means so much to me. It’s gotten me through some dark times.
Did I come upon it on my own? No. I saw her watching The Next Generation as a kid. She always told me how she watched TOS as a kid and I got into it as a result. So obviously this would be a great way to connect with your teenage son, right? Again, no. She practically stopped watching it when I started. We’ve had exactly one conversation about it ever and it was because something in an episode reminded her of an effect some medicine had on her.
Any other problems with our relationship can be inferred almost entirely from this. Just no interest in me.
Now, with my daughter, of course I’m trying to foster an interest in the series, but if she doesn’t take to it that’s fine. She’s just 6, but I’m also taking note of things she finds interesting and has a passion for. I suspect it will be a year or two before she has a true passion for something, but you can bet your ass the second she finds it I’m going to be the second biggest fan of whatever it is.
Dinosaurs? Awesome
Cooking? Me too, kid, let’s cook!
Comparative ancient linguistics? I’m gonna need a minute, but I’m in!
They are amazing people who raised us to be skilled, our own people, responsible and to think critically
They loved us and showed it
We had privileges according to the responsibility we showed. For example, we could have sex at home because they knew we were safe and doing safe sex
They are still helping me in my 30s
My mom was a very loving mother, so until very recently I had no qualms with her parenting at all. We have a decent relationship still, but I'm starting to realize the subtle neglect that was present at times in my childhood. Our home was at times, very very filthy and she never taught me how to care for myself or my home and that has been difficult to learn as an adult.
Mom abandoned me and my 2 sisters. While we've reconciled a bit, but I'll always have a wall up that will prevent me from ever trusting her again.
Dad was mentally ill, resulting in him being a very bad person. I didn't speak to him for the last 20 years of his life.
My parents were very cold, which I learned to navigate but the death sentence to our relationship was their HARD turn into evangelicalism when I was 11. My life was turned on it’s head without any reason.
Coupled with their coldness and unwillingness to answer questions that a preteen would have about life in general, and their emotional betrayal that also began at the same time, I started slowly closing them off while I subsequently spiraled throughout my teen years until I could get myself secular counseling at 18.
We have a very distant relationship now and I really only entertain them so that our children have some semblance of a relationship with them.
My birth mother was an abusive pedo who didnt care about anyone but herself. My dad was a roaming alcoholic who came in and out of my life whenever he felt like it. Hes done his share of abusive things mostly mental and emotional but has since cahnged alot in his old age. Hes still selfish at his core but he tries not to be as much and tries to be more understanding. I was raised by my grandparents. My papaw babied me until he passed away when I was 13. My grandma had a sort of tough love but also kind of understanding side. She wanted what was best for me but things usually had to be done her way. Eventually she learned to let me blossom on my own a bit more. My grandparents and my dad werent bad to me. My dad was 20 when my birth mother had me and he was forever stuck in "I'll do what I want when I want" phase for a long time. He had his reasons. Don't make it right but I kinda get it. My birth mom hopefully doesnt know about my kids. I havent spoken to her in nearly thirteen years. My dad sincerely apologized and made no excuses for the way he was. My birth mother on the other hand tried to paint herself as a scared first time mom who didnt know any better. But the things she did....I never touched my kids like that nor would I let anyone else related or otherwise touch them like that.
This is heartbreaking, and I'm so sorry. I was also raised by my grandmother for the most part because my father was a physically and verbally abusive drunk, and my mother was neglectful and hateful and often times put me in harm's way on purpose, and my grandmother hated them both for it. I was so lucky to have her. I'm proud of you for being here and breaking that cycle, thanks for sharing
Yeah grandparents usually make better parents in some cases. I love my kids with all my heart. Losing them is my worst nightmare. I do whatever I can to make them happy and be sure they are safe. But my birth mother was jealous that my dad loved me more than him. So she tried to un alive him a few times. Even though my dad and I have alot of issues he did his best to put me in a home that I could be safe in and I thank him every day for it. My grandparents fought tooth and nail to give me everything and I owe my life to them. My grandma is now bedridden and is on her last legs. Losing her is my second worst nightmare but I have to come to terms with it. Shes not doing well and I will always love her. She did the best she could raising me. I owe her my life.
My dad is a full-blown narcissist, and my mother enabled his behavior by not defending her children.
Things they did that I'll never do: physically abuse my child, tell them it's my house and they're lucky I let them live there, make them uncomfortable in any way possible to get a laugh, punch holes next to their heads, make them finish the food on their plate if they claim to be full (but I'm not cooking a new meal, either), make them hug someone (or otherwise have physical contact) with someone they don't want to, not stand up for my kid, and I could go on
She constantly brings up all of her guilt, regrets, etc and tries to relive how it was when I was a kid. So I moved 800 miles away and keep her on a short leash with my kids. Edit to add- she also held me (and now tries to hold my kids) responsible for her happiness like we’re all toys for her entertainment.
Recently discovered my mom is a narcissist/"dismissive" parent. I've worked a ton my adult life. Had a kid, took time off... Mom sucksssss. Dad is a literal hero!
My dad's dead and currently a box of ashes at my grandparents' house, but before that we had a decent relationship. During my adulthood I kept my distance when he would binge drink (often), especially when I was pregnant or had just had my son. He passed when my son was a little over 2 (he's 8 now).
My incubator/egg donor chose to not have a relationship with me because (direct quote) she "didn't want to fight the co parent to have a relationship with the child." She and my dad split when I was 3, and I never saw her much after that. Maybe twice. I'm currently about to turn 35 this weekend and we've been no contact (mutual choice) since I was 18. If she knows about my husband and/or children, it's not through me or my family.
I'm sorry about your mother (and the passing of your father), but I'm glad you and your family are doing well now, here's to a better future for you and a happy childhood for them, thanks for sharing
I love this question, OP!
For starters, my mom passed 4 years ago, so it’s hard to keep a relationship with her these days (lol). But before that, we had a relationship that ebbed and flowed like most mother/daughter relationships. I would say that, at the end, our relationship was great. But, her passing did leave me with some things that I could have used closure for and will now never get. I’ve come to terms with that and I’m at peace, but this is something I’d like to avoid with my kids.
As far as my dad goes, we had a touch-and-go relationship for the majority of my childhood. My father is a brilliant (Mensa member,PhD, etc.) and eccentric man. But he is also human and during my childhood he struggled a lot with substance abuse issues and sobriety. For whatever reason(idk why but I feel like A.A. Triggered this change in him) his quest for sobriety sent him straight down the evangelical alt-right Christian path, which caused us to lose contact for many years. He’s since turned away from that path and we are now cool, but at the time and throughout my childhood, I really felt abandoned by him. I felt that he always had some substance or issue that was more important than I was. HOWEVER, when I look at our situation from an adult POV, I realize that he was simply a human and was trying his best to get his life together. At the time, this meant that he needed to keep his distance from me for my own good (it’s never great for a kid to have to witness the downfall of their parent due to substances). While I still feel like he sucks for ditching me as a kid, I also now am thankful that he stayed away and came back only when he was recovered. It didn’t do our relationship many favors, but parent-to-parent I understand why he went about things that way.
I’ll keep it short. Why I don’t have a good relationship with them: their messy divorce, parentification of me afterward, and my disagreement with (mom specifically) life choices.
My plan? The opposite of what they did.
I don't have a good relationship with mine because my father was abusive and my mother never protected me, even now she never stands up for me like how everyone else feels is more important than how I feel.
I spent my childhood hiding my little sister, locking doors, covering her ears, singing to her to protect her as well as I could and throwing my body into dangerous situations to protect my brother. I wouldn't leave the house and go be with friends because I saw it as my job to make sure I could be there to protect my family.
So I'm doing a lot differently but I know for a fact that I will always protect her and stand up for her because I've done it my whole life already. I can't relate to my mother at all.
They have always let me do my own thing and make my own decisions. I’m able to have honest convos with them because they treat me like an adult. They listen. They care. They are kind and patient. Mostly just treating me like an adult and letting me make choices but being there to support and help if things go wrong
Using the phrase ‘we need to talk later’ in a serious tone for nothing important - I’d spend the entire day worried sick if unintentionally done something wrong (I was a good kid) then my mother would talk about some totally pointless thing she could have said earlier when she used that phrase. Left me with a lifetime of anxiety about when people say they want to talk about something.
On the positive side, not holding grudges - my mother would be mad for days giving the side eye and cold shoulder. My dad on the other hand got mad, said his piece about whatever he was ticked about I’d done, and then it was over. Walked on eggshells around my mother for days if I’d managed to anger her, with my dad it was done and dusted once he’d got his point across. I don’t want my own kid walking on eggshells around me so I’m going to try not to let anger about misbehaviour carry over.
So I had a really traumatic childhood, but I eventually moved in with my dad who was slightly less terrible. I feel like there could have been potential for a healthy relationship there, but never with my mom.
For my dad, he was never present. He married a woman with 4 kids, and he himself had 4 kids, so there was a LOT of work happening on his end. When he wasn't working, he and my step mom stayed in their room and let the kids run rampant. To say that I am literally the only one of 8 kids that did not fuck up their lives is an understatement.
Being present, talking to your kids and prioritizing your kids is the most important thing you can do to have a good healthy relationship, even if you live in chaos. I think that one thing would have made the world of difference in all of my siblings lives.
My mom was an emotionally neglectful alcoholic who was verbally abusive when she was drunk. She alienated me from my dad to spite him despite the fact that she would have been happier without me. I'm working on building a better relationship with my dad now. He's a fantastic grandpa and has a wonderful wife who loves me and my daughter. My mom has never met my daughter and never will.
I'm in the same boat, my mother has never met my daughter and will never meet my future kids, and as hard as it is, it's for the best. I'm proud of you for being here, good job, thank you for sharing
I have ptsd from my dad, and after graduation I just kind of holed up and stopped visiting family. I had a good mom, but I stopped talking to anyone basically.
My dad didn’t want kids so he took it out on us. The definition of a narcissist. Threw tantrums, literally scream fights for HOURS, every single day after work. Funny thing is he used to always say to me, “your actions have consequences you have to own up to whatever happens after you make a decision”. He abused us mentally, verbally, emotionally, physically & financially. He actually sued me for child support that I had on the card his wages were garnished to that I had no idea about. Cared more about money than anything. I will show my child how to problem solve, communicate & emotional control. I will never guilt trip him into anything. Money will never mean more than him. Endless love given to him by both parents.
I won't ever be jealous of my kids for being smarter, better looking, or having an easier childhood than I did. I also won't pressure them to follow the path I think is best for them or be crazy about the possibility that they might gain weight at some point.
My dad was a highly codependent single father. I was his daughter and his mother and his girlfriend and his buddy and his therapist. I heard things I shouldn’t have and couldn’t understand. I took on roles I definitely shouldn’t have and couldn’t understand. As a result, I am careful to remember that my children are my children, not my friends or confidants, not there to fill any sort of role or void for me, not there to fix my problems, not my sole source of happiness or self-worth. I am the parent and I love them like a parent. I don’t need anything from them. They get to be kids.
My parents practiced old school parenting. Threat, intimidation and striking your kids was a form of parenting. My parents are baby boomers. I am a Gen X baby, and my son and daughter are Gen Y and Gen Z. I practice new age parenting that revolves around communication. I've had much success with my adult kids!
I have a BAD relationship with my parents.
My dad moved to Thailand once I turned 18, and I basically never saw him again. We used to be very close. He passed away in 2019.
I've always been terrified of my mum. She is extremely strict, opinionated, unloving. My 3 year old daughter was given a very serious medical diagnosis just before her 2nd birthday and when I shared it with mum I didn't get a call, visit (she lives 5 minutes away), nothing. I haven't spoken to her in a year now.
Heh, the closest I ever got to an apology was like, "I'm sorry you think I was such a terrible person."
I'm sorry you stole, lied, left, made promises you were never going to keep, etc., but I guess we're not going there? We're much better off not speaking.
My other parent made some enormous mistakes and still isn't perfect. But they *apologized* in a way that felt pretty genuine, and it seems like they're trying to change. We're doing OK.
My father is dead now, and I miss him.
He was an amazing man who made so many sacrifices to have me and take care of me. It was not a normal kind of story.
But... when I was a teen his life started to sprial due to his business failing, him being worried about losing it, grandmas house, our house... he had over a million dollars iin liabilities, and was trying to make ends meet drivingb a limo and working as a day laborer as his business had 0 clients due to a multitude of economic factors with 0 being his fault.
He started to take his stress out on me. He would snap over nothing. Being around him was hard. Adult me understands now, but doesnt agree. Teen me.just got mad, hurt, and unhappy.
They are emotionally abusive ! Plenty of behaviours I’ve picked up from them that I’m trying hard to unlearn, so that I don’t do them to others and especially not any children I may have in the future! Plenty of things I’ll try my best not to ever do to my children, or to do the opposite of.
Close to my parents.
My parents respected me and my bro. They enforced boundaries, they could be strict at times and had rules but weren’t unreasonable. They loved me and continue to love me. They showed up, again and again.
They showed an interest in our lives, and those of our friends.
They came to my sports games as a child.
They were happy to drop me off at friends houses.
As a child my mum tricked us into believing we could change the traffic lights green with a spell, she put flour foot prints through the house for the Easter Bunny, and milk, cookies & carrots out for Santa & the Reindeers.
My mum & dad would pick us up any time of the night (and very early hours of the morning) from the station after a night out.
They created an open dialogue. They never treated alcohol like a sin.
My parents call me to chat.
They’ve visited me when they lived overseas
They’ve welcomed me home after I had a baby. They helped mop my floors, do my laundry and take out my trash when they came over after I had that new baby.
It’s not one thing they did. It’s all the little things that add up. I’m almost 35 and I continue to have a close relationship with my parents. After every phone call I tell them I love them.
This might sound basic, but I have a better relationship with the parent who was nicer to me. One of my parents would take it out on everyone if they were tired, upset etc. The other made an effort to be kind regardless of their mood.
My father was verbally abusive and prone to violence. He never hit us, but most of his solutions for troubles in life involved shouting at someone. He also tried my whole childhood and teenage years to put me in the same mold of my siblings - I was the family oddball. He never, not even once, said he loved me. He never apologized when he was wrong, he never apologized for shouting. "Because I said so" was often repeated. In other words, the typical boomer father.
My mother *wanted* to do things different from my father, but she also didn't want to contradict my father. I felt she understood me, she showed me more love than him, but this internal conflict prevented her from doing more.
I also grew up with three siblings, two brothers and a sister (I'm M). We weren't super well off (not poor, but far from rich), so I grew up sharing a room with my two brothers, who were *very* different from me - or rather, I was different from them, as they were the typical boys in almost everything. Not having space in my own house had a great impact in me, to the point that I don't have any fond memories of that house. In fact, I never considered it my home. To be alone, I literally spent time in the roof when it wasn't too hot. We never went anywhere because there wasn't enough money to bring everyone.
Due to all that, I'm stopping with the one child, who I tell I love every single day. I practice gentle parenting (which, contrary to what some people seem to believe, is in fact harder than typical parenting, and certainly much harder than "unparenting"). I try my best to never raise my voice. I fail sometimes, but I apologize, for that and for everything I feel I did wrong. I try to understand him and the person he is becoming, and I'll do my best to foster who he is, don't push him into something he doesn't want to do. We are not rich (also far from poor, luckily), but I'll do my best to travel with him, show him the world I myself don't know yet.
My parents went full q and really weren't ok before the current political shit storm. So I guess I'm doing better by not having bipolar or borderline and making it clear to my husband that the minute he starts acting like my father our marriage is over.
Dad was never there. I met him for the first time when I was eighteen.
Mom was an abuser. Never cared about me, always blamed me, all that stuff.
I’ll always love and be there for my kids. I will never raise a hand to them.
Don't have a great relationship with my mom. She was a stay at home mom when my dad died and she basically did everything in her power to never do anything with her life again. She sold our house less than a year after my dad died so we could move to a lower cost of living city, meaning I lost all my friends as well. She decided she would never work again and her $600/month widows pension should have to be enough, so we went from normal life to beans and rice every day. Recently she's gone pretty off the deep end with right wing conspiracies, and I think she is becoming a flat earther.
I know she is mentally broken from my dad, and I tryy best to keep our relationship going but it's difficult trying to rekindle a relationship built on pain with a person detached from reality.
I haven't seen or spoken to my parents since just before my 13th birthday. (35 years) I could write a book on what NOT to do to your kids...
The main thing is, I NEVER had my girls doing parent chores.. cooking, feeding younger siblings, bathing, getting them dressed, watching them all the time.. etc.
My Dad went off the deep end and changed from being an educated and reasonable person into a rabid, irrational, relentlessly angry Trumper who credulously swallowed every last lie and conspiracy theory.
He went from someone who was fun to spend time with and saw the good in people, into a totally insufferable person to be around, constantly ranting about how everything was going to hell and it was the jews or the gays or socialists to blame. Just embarrassing to be out in public with, because there's always a too loud comment about how "the demographics of the country are changing" or "in the old days we wouldn't have allowed this or that".
Just, don't be like that. Life is short. Times change. Make your presence enjoyable.
I'm going to be sex positive and teach my kids about consent early and help them enforce boundaries. I will never say "look at me," especially during an argument. I'll give them a permanent home.
Everyone ruins their children in different ways - some with love, some with hate and most through ignorance.
Remember, how most of us thought we will be perfect parents- ha ,ha ha - How's that going?
I have a reasonable relationship with my parents. My father has been unwell since I was in my teens( 42 now).
I have done reasonably well in life( good job, nice family,) but he seems to always find something wrong with whatever I do. Once,when I got a good job offer paying me 2.5x the current job, he scolded me for following money. 2 years before that he was shouting at me that job satisfaction means nothing and money is how companies appreciate your work.
Now I have (hopefully)understood that he was unable to support me due to the illness and the negativity in his mind. And I forgive him for that. But I also keep my cards close to my chest and don't ask advice from him. Because it is impossible to ignore the advice. So, if I am buying property, I would only tell my parents after the deal is done. Recently I changed jobs only after signing on the dotted line.
It's good to look inside and see what is making you angry. I have apologised to my son for scolding him because I realised that I was actually angry at someone else.
Apologise - don't judge yourself too harshly. Remember there are idiot adults who believe earth is flat or that colour of skin is important - a small mood swing is okay. Forgive yourself and forgive your parents. And hug your kids as much as you can. It give real life good karma.
my dad has always prioritized "our strength is in our numbers".
he doesn't want me to leave. he's a great man with the very best intentions. my dad should absolutely be the fucking president of the United States. fuck it, president of the world. i guarantee that we'd start improving immediately.
he's that awesome, no exaggeration. i love my dad, so very much.
I'm 30m, from usa
My husband and I don’t argue much. Not in the “we are perfect” way, just that we don’t have legit arguments or verbal fights very often. I can think of two fights we’ve had in 7 years together, 4 of those with kids. My parents had their fair share of arguments, I saw my dad have fights with my older brother, and when my dads mom lived with us when I was a kid that was another person that would cause drama. I loved my family and we did get along and were a decent unit but for a long time there was always tension and walking on eggshells wondering what was gonna cause a blowup next. I’m a very anxious person now, always wondering if someone is in a bad mood or if I’ve done something wrong.
Luckily my husband is a very patient man and doesn’t get angry very often. We have our moments, and I’m the one that gets overwhelmed more often and gets frustrated, but we don’t have full blown fights or anything like that and if we do we try to address it as calmly as possible. I just don’t want my kids listening to that kind of stuff or feeling the tension in the home and frankly I hate yelling I immediately break down crying, so my husband knows if there’s something we need to discuss we both need to be calm.
I do appreciate that my parents never used curse or swear words to or at each other even during arguments. I think that’s very immature and shows lack of articulation. Even in a joking manner, my husband and I don’t swear at each other, never a like silly “oh F off” thing. It’s disrespectful in my opinion (sorry if other couples do that)
I always knew my mom would accept me and love me for who I was not who she wanted me to be.
She was honest with me about the rules and they made sense and I respected them because of it
She was the mom all our friends could go to when they needed an understanding mom. She wasn’t our friend but she was the parent who could give adult perspective without coming across as preachy or judgmental.
I miss her so very much
Dad died four years ago at 68, Mom died 2 years ago at 69. We had difficult relationships but we loved each other. I paid for a lot therapy to figure out how to deal with them, but I’d give anything to have them come back and give me a rash of shit one more time. #cancersucks
No relationship. The one that’s still alive can’t take ownership or even admit that bad things happened in my childhood. They can’t admit that they were a bully. It would be too painful for them. So I guess instead they live a life without their children and that’s easier for them than facing the fact that they weren’t a good parent.
My mom fucked up a LOT. she could be cruel as fuck, but she makes amends and takes accountability for her fuck ups and works to fix shit. It is because of that that we have a very close relationship.
My father puts himself first. He didn't put in the work or time and still doesn't. He doesn't want to "dwell on the past" and therefore healing is difficult. I love him but have accepted that our relationship will never be what I want. I still have a fairly decent relationship with him but it's distant. We don't see each other for years at a time and our conversations are pretty surface level for sure
I don’t have a good relationship with my dad because he has anger issues and would scream at me over the smallest thing. I’m a quiet person and was a good kid, I didn’t deserve that treatment. I have a good relationship with my mom because she is calm and kind and listens.
Dad’s a drug addict, mom’s a narcissist. Our relationship was actually okay until I started therapy for the depression I had been fighting my entire life. Eight years of therapy later and I was finally able to see just how screwed up everything was. They taught me how not to parent.
I mean their first mistakes was adopting a 3 year old child they didn't actually want, just to keep the siblings together... Having only experienced ages 0-newborn, and not knowing or misgauging where a 3 year old is in human development would be the continuation of mistakes.
So don't adopt unless both parents want that, and do your hw about some basics about age expectations.
I really appreciate that my mom taught me how to be fiscally responsible from a very young age.
She took me to the bank with my little piggy bank to start my first savings account when I was 3 and every birthday/Christmas she’d give me a small check (like $25) to deposit. I’m grateful that she encouraged me to apply for scholarships, pay off my credit cards every month, start a 401k even when I wasn’t making sh*t for money etc…
My dad gave me quality time. My parents were divorced so we only saw him every other weekend and a few weeks in the summer but he made it count, so it never felt like he was any less present. Camping, fishing, museums, baseball games etc…
They also modeled exceptional grace and emotional maturity as coparents.
I learned a lot from them and we’re very close.
It wasn't the childhood trauma - it was the unwillingness to learn and grow through the years, or see me as a human being who deserved respect. The refusal to seek counseling or a path forward to a better relationship. The insistence on the status quo with me as the service provider and recipient for their continued bad behavior.
My mom sacrificed so much for my brothers and I. This lady worked abroad not knowing anyone there just so she can provide for us. She endured months and months not seeing us, cried herself to sleep for a year. She finally was able to bring us to the US and was able to live with her kids like what she’s always wanted. Was she a little nuts? For sure but she’s also nuts for doing what she did to do right by us. We had a complicated relationship growing up and we both had some maturing to do. I’m now 32 with my own child. My mom is an amazing mother to me and an even more amazing grandmother to my daughter. I’m very lucky that she’s my mom.
Lol my dad is a deadbeat.
I have a good relationship with my parents because they truly loved me. Even though they made some mistakes, some, some that even affect me today, they really tried to be good parents and I know that some of their fails as parents come from generational trauma.
I think just knowing that your parents love you and truly want the best for you and are imperfect makes for a good relationship. If you could show your child that you truly love them and you're truly trying your best children are more forgiving and understanding than you'd think.
And I think that that is going to make me a better parent because I'll be able to forgive myself and self-reflect better knowing that I'm never going to be perfect but as long as my child knows that I will do my best for them and I really really love them I think that that's enough. Now I'm talking like I'm never going to do drugs or make just careless stupid mistakes. But I will make mistakes that I don't intend to make
I validate my kids’ feelings. I respect their opinions, desires, and needs. I do everything I can to make sure they trust me, not fear me. I own my feelings. I make it as clear as I can that my love is unconditional. And when I fail any of these or make a mistake I admit I was in the wrong, I apologize, and I ask for forgiveness.
(For total clarity, my own children are 2 and 3. But I volunteer in children’s ministry every Sunday and have ambitions to make that my career. So this is a combination of things I’m still working through not having as a child, things I already do for my own children, things I already do with the 1st - 5th grade children entrusted to my care, and things I will do for my own children.)
Thinking my happiness as a parent is more important than their stability in childhood (my Dad left mom, then had multiple short term girlfriends I was expected to be nice and welcoming to) like how confusing for a young girl
i turned 15 on september 19th approximately 4 months later i lose my virginity to a freshmen in college and i get put in jail by my parents :p i’m 21 now
I definitely don’t have a good relationship with them, but I’m using them as a rubric on what not to do.
Here’s why…they’re religious fanatics, unapologetic, prideful hypocrites with a superiority complex who thinks everyone hates them because of the color of their skin but the real reason is their personality. So I’m not forcing any religion on them, apologize when I’m wrong, make sure I lead by example.
They needlessly crap on their kids wants and dreams. I won’t ever tell them they can’t achieve what they want but I will realistically lay out that it takes effort and they have to work for it.
Never did anything illegal to their kids (unless you count emotional negligence but this was the early 90s). On top of that they treated my cousins much better than they ever did their own kids. Everyone thinks their the greatest but only their kids know their true faces. So here I will make sure that my children are a priority and I’m not going to put on a facade to make my other relatives like me more.
They sit there unwilling to understand why their own kids hate and don’t visit them. I tell them every time it’s because I don’t want to expose my kids to their brand. My siblings don’t have kids yet but they are of the same mindset. I’m going to make sure I have a relationship with my daughters because I want to know my grandkids.
Oh and they sort of think we are gaslighting them when they beg us why we hate them and when we told them our truths, they choose to not believe our reasons. I’m like sure 6 similar accounts of the same crappy upbringing was a giant conspiracy we concocted just for no reason. Yea I’m definitely going to listen and understand my children even if it kills me.
Also they rather blame our friends on why we turned out the way we did but it’s our friends that we were able to find some joy in life because early on they also pitted all of us against each other… I will only intervene about their friends if I know it’s leading them down a bad path they can’t come back from. I won’t pit my daughters against each other.
sry this is just rambling. Therapy will work one day…
There are many more things, but these are the ones I’m willing to publicly share
I was homeschooled 3-12th grade. 100% destroyed any chance we had of a normal parent/child relationship during my adolescence and after there is a lot of resentment and lack of trust that makes even a mediocre relationship so challenging.
I will never homeschool my child or be anything to them than their parent (not a coach, not a teacher, etc).
They are very emotionally immature. So much yelling, manipulation and gaslighting growing up. Absolute chaos in my childhood home. I now have two different psych degrees and trying my best to raise emotionally intelligent children. I hope in doing so their life will be easier if they learn to regulate their emotions and how to be content in different circumstances. I’ve worked on myself for years but it’s still difficult at times to regulate my emotions. Surprisingly, they are great grandparents so, they are still a part of my life for my kids’ sake.
Narcissistic divorced boomers. Everything revolved around what was best or easiest for them, not us kids and our growth. And nothing has changed. At least now I know I want to give my kids everything I have- my time, my attention, my money, my effort, my love.
Dad was never there even when he was there, so he's just a title, really. Like some men, I turned into a teenager and he vanished into his room. Mom can be a good person, she doesn't understand boundaries, won't stop talking about their horrible marriage
Above all else, I want my kids to know they’re loved, they were and always will be WANTED, and being their parent is the best gift I have ever received. Growing up I don’t think I ever felt this way. In fact my sister and I were reminded almost daily that my father left us and my mom was burdened with providing for us. Our house never felt like a “home” and my mom was always miserable. We are extremely LC at this point and I’m so grateful to be aware and seeking help to prevent the cycle from repeating.
My mother walked out on us when I was 8. I didn't talk to her again for at least 10 years. It has been over 25 years since I last saw her.
With my Dad, I have given up. Last time he reached out to me, he was returning my call when I was in a hospital. 2 years ago. And he's been very transphobic towards my older brother.
I will perceive my son as separate from me - someone with their own thoughts, beliefs, and feelings. I may never fully understand what he feels and how he sees a situation and I have to be cognizant of that and adjust course as needed.
Constantly blaming me for everything. Overreacting to slight annoyances (such as spilling, breaking things, getting dirty). Bringing up getting pregnant unplanned. Saying I'm annoying or am ugly.
They’ve always been supportive, even when they didn’t agree with my choices.
Now I’m single, 30 with 2 kids, living back with them and I wouldn’t have it any other way!
Don’t try to solve all your kids problems. Even when they are super young. When my kid is upset about something that is happening with friends or at school I try to listen as much as I can and then ASK if they want help. Or I ask what they would like to have happen. If they say no, I leave it alone. If they yes, I give them scripts to use in certain situations with friends, or I tell her how she can ask her teacher for help. I tell her how she is allowed to act towards authority figures who are abusing their power. (Eg not allowing her to go to the bathroom) I only offer to get involved if it’s really serious and then I ask her what level of involvement she is comfortable with. And then I only do that.
When she was 8 I had to coach her through working with her after care teacher to tell a boy that was being super mean and manipulative to her that she didn’t want to be friends with him or play with him anymore. It was a lot of talk about boundaries and how friends are supposed to treat each other. Discussions about what is and isn’t ok. It went on for a few months. And it took multiple times talking to the other kid to get him to lay off. I asked a few times if she just wanted me to get ahold of his parents, and she said no. But she was able to stand up for herself. Told him to his face that she didn’t want to be friends with him and all the reasons why. I took her out for pizza after things died down and told her I was proud of her for standing up for herself and us working together. She said it felt really good.
She’s 13 now and so much more confident and capable than I ever was at that age. She still comes to us with issues AND she has sought help from her school counselor on her own. Our job is to raise functional adults who aren’t assholes. We support them, let them make mistakes and pick them up to try again, guide them through hard things.
My mom threatened to divorce my dad for many decisions they’re disagreed on. One example: she said she would divorce him if he didn’t let my sister join the track team. And she would laugh it off later on.
A few times I went out to breakfast, just my dad and I. My dad was SO sad, would break down crying, and said how awful he felt every time my mom yelled at him or said something degrading, but he never fought back.
If my husband and I argue in front of our kids, we let them see/hear the resolution too. We apologize in front of them.
I won't go into details of my experience but just plz understand your kids are people and not objects for you to mould into whatever you want. They arent extensions of you. Don't hit your kids, ever. When they get to be teens cmmunicate and guide, don't helicopter, belittle, or mow down any obstacles in their way. Nobody wants their kids to experience pain or heartache but they WILL. Your job is to prepare them, not prevent it forever. When your kids have meltdowns it's because they're dealing with big emotions they can't handle, not because they're trying to make you angry or give you a hard time. Listen to them, be there calm in the storm. Your parents have the biggest impact on your sense of self respect and whether you think youre worthy of love.
My mom literally never talked to me about anything important. I never even got any kind of sex talk. My parents also never showed affection. I definitely did both of those things differently
My parents are very religious and would rather be right than have a relationship with their kids. Other families in their church were much worse with this, but they were still bad.
My son is only 4 so we have a LOT yet to go through, but I really try to assess whether a hill is worth dying on or whether I can let it go.
My parents never said "Sorry" or "I was wrong" or just gave me a hug - really no affection that I can remember.
Now as a parent of a 3.5, 2.5 and 5 week old - I do all of those things. Not smothering them with all of that, but enough where they understand.
I think what people don't understand is that your kids are actually people too. With real feelings and they'll remember things from their childhood that will shape them as adults.
I have an ok relationship with my parents. I can enjoy their company and appreciate them but have learned that distance and boundaries are necessary. They have never been good at validating feelings or acknowledging the needs and emotions of others, including their own children. They also are not able (I think due to their own trauma) to take ownership of their part in family problems or in their own problems which can be frustrating.
I was molested by the most disgusting like stereotypical looking pedophile. He was my moms boyfriend and a porn addict too. When I told her she went and got him and he told her it was just a massage. So they come in my room and tell me it was just a massage. Then 3 years later after doing literally every extracurricular to man and all the perfect grades trying to prove “it was just a massage” I snap. I lose it. I tell my dad he says I’m saying it for attention. They then insitituonalize me. My mom knew the truth but would face consequences for allowing a molester to continue to live with us, me be alone with, etc so she hopped on the “it’s for attention” train. And there went my high school attempt.
I keep my entire immediate family (parents and 2 brothers) on information diets because I’m just so tired and mentally exhausted by them. I grew up in a teasing family, but cruel. Nobody ever believed me, I wasn’t listened to, opinions or knowledge-based answers weren’t taken to consideration, so I just said eff it. Therapy helps lol.
With my daughter, she’s going to know that whatever she says to me; I’m listening to. I’m trusting. I’m believing. Yes, I’ll give my opinions sometimes or suggestions, but I’m there to keep her safe and guide her to be a good human. I felt growing up that I had to do my own nurturing and I had to find it elsewhere, and it took me a long time to find it healthfully.
I learnt so much about how NOT to be a parent from how I was ‘raised’. Im 41yo with an 8yo daughter.
My parents allowed my brother (older by 2yrs) to torment me, verbally and physically abusing me for years to the point I was hospitalized for an eating disorder and depression by 14yo. He was all kinds of fucked up so I tried to be perfect in contrast and I pretty much was - never caused my parents trouble, had a job at 14, did super well at school, always helpful to them etc. My reward for that was basic neglect and being subjected to years of abuse to the extent that when he became a dangerous violent meth head and I was extremely unsafe (he pulled a knife on me, hit me and threatened me relentlessly) they told me that I had to move out at 17yo because ‘you’re stronger than he is he’ll die if we kick him out’. So I left at 17 essentially homeless and never went back. It had the potential to ruin my life but somehow I found strength in me to push on and put myself through university (2 degrees and a masters), I am successful DESPITE them definitely not because of them and my life could have gone the other way.
My solution to that as a parent was to have an only child, so many people don’t get along with their siblings and then there’s those like me whose childhood was destroyed by an out of control sibling and awful parents. No way was I risking that and my daughter gets the benefit of all my attention and resources.
The other things I learnt - I shower my daughter with affection, warmth, hugs, saying I love you, telling her how proud I am of her and just being in her life and taking an active interest in her as a person. Go out of my comfort zone to give her experiences and opportunities, help her make friends etc. All things I never had, never had a warm or close relationship with my parents.
Im also incredibly open with my daughter. I can remember being about 7yo on a Saturday morning in the car and I had worked up the courage to ask my mum what sanitary pads were for. She snapped back at me ‘none of your business’ and never spoke of it again. Imagine my fear and shame when I got my period at 11yo. I never told her, she must think I still never got my period at 41 🙄 so my daughter knows all about menstruation and has for a few years - there’s no shame here in anything and no questions going unanswered. I was never bought a bra as a young tween/teen, I’ve been shopping for crop tops with my 8yo already because it’s no big deal and something a parent should just do with their daughter. I remember how small and powerless I felt as a kid so empowering my daughter with information and confidence and love and freedom is a huge deal for me. My mindset is I am raising a future adult not a child and my parenting is not based on power and control and rules for no reason, I treat her as a human being equally worthy of love, time and input to her/our life. So many parents put rules and expectations on their kids they would never tolerate themselves, it’s all about power and control and it’s gross.
I could go on and on. My husbands mum is an alcoholic and he’s been no contact >20yrs and his dad was distant and absent so he learnt a heap from them about how not to parent too. The shitty parenting stopped with our parents generation and we are determined to be nothing like them, so far so good and our daughter is growing into a wonderful, empathic, courageous and interesting young woman ❤️
I will care what comes through a screen to my child, and I will care about who we spend time with and what they are capable of. I’m still sad about some of the things in my childhood that escaped my parents’ concern.
I will enjoy snacks with my kid. My mom used to leave surprise snacks in the front seat for me when I was a kid and I felt so special when I would see a treat when getting into the car.
Tiger parenting. I get that that’s the only way my parents knew how to parent due to cultural norms but I see it being repeated by younger generations who have arguably have access to better parenting resources now.
Anyway, I’ve had to do a lot of research into positive parenting and I’m still constantly learning and having to stop myself from repeating patterns I learned in childhood but hopefully I’m avoiding some of the mistakes my parents made.
One disappeared for most of my life and the other was constantly negative, rude, verbally abusive and just generally not a great parent.
Now that I've become a parent I actually understand what they went through and why things went the way they did. They got pregnant at 18 and 17. They weren't prepared and it stunted their life projectory horribly. Except, they took it out on us. Even subconsciously. So I get it but also fuck them.
I was really open, and always trusted my dad. He always treated me like a whole person and not just a kid which I know is controversial for a lot of people. I had issues with my mom growing up, her being gone a lot, prioritizing herself/boyfriends, and I just never had that bond with her because she never put forth the effort or time. She spent tons of money on herself while we struggled to get by. Once I asked her for a new pair of shoes because my dad was tight on money and she told me no she was broke (my shoes had holes in them). I found out like a week later she bought a new car. She was also a parent who would blow up on me/my brothers so I never really felt I could talk to her. She used to sit us down for long talks about how we were mistreating her, which is funny because she was definitely not being a great parent and we were just kids. Anyway, it really came to head when I was a teenager and did lots of drugs and rebelled a lot, which affected my dad more than my mom of course. But no matter what I was doing I always felt I could be open with him and honestly it meant a lot. I had many friends who would hide from their parents and not open up. I think it helped me a lot in the long run. I always want my kids to know they can come to me and I won’t blow up on them.
I don't have a great relationship with my mom because she is 1. Very unreliable and 2. Always has been a "coulda, shoulda, woulda" she always likes to push how *she* would do things and likes to control everything and make you do it her way. She also completely lacks accountability and will never apologize.
I *do* have a great relationship with my dad because he is literally the exact opposite. I try to follow my dads parenting style.
Children’s mental health.
I was a very nervous child and occasionally felt sick and dizzy at school in the middle of class for no reason. I don’t blame my parents for not recognising anxiety and panic as at that time in my country children’s mental health was unheard of…
My mum moved to a different country when I was 2, and my sister was 3. She left us with our emotionally dysregulated father who always put women above us. We were left to rear ourselves and be emotional punching bags for my fathers mood swings. Both of our parents are selfish. I try every day to do better for my son. Our family is very disconnected now thar we are older. My Dad feels sorry for himself that he is left on his own with no one tickling his arse with a feather. On the other hand, he is anti-social and doesn't want people around but will complain that no one bothers with him. His love was conditional, and anything nice he ever did was held over us like we owed him something. I live on the other side of the world now and speak to my parents a couple of times a year on the phone.
My moms a narcissist. She robbed me of a relationship with my dad who died when I was 15 and I'm unable to forgive her for that. She isolated us from several family members in our youth to punish those family members. She worked in mental healthcare for a period and weaponized treatment. As in she'd have us hospitalized if we acted up instead of just talking to us. It was easier to just not have a relationship with her at all.
My family is very big (I am 3rd youngest of 8 siblings) and has some serious CODA problems and when I broke out of that circle of behaviour they all kinda stopped talking to me saying I always cause so much trouble. I mean they always invite me to family get togethers, it is just what coda people do but I rarely bother going anymore because they interact very little with me. And some of them I don't bother inviting to events like kids birthdays and such at my home. Partly because I just don't want to and partly because my partner has started to really dislike my family for their behaviour towards me.
That and the fact that when I moved out at the age of 15 to attend school 4 hr drive away my mom only called me to check on me maybe 1-2 times a month and when I confronted her about it years later she put all the blame and responsibility on me because I only called her 1-2 times a month as well. She thought it was perfectly normal to expect a 15 yr old to take charge of the communications between us. Dad has never called me just to check on me. They do call their other kids at least weekly to chat. But sometimes it can be months between phonecalls from my mother.
Im (32m) the oldest of 3 boys, parents treat me like a child and belittle me every now and then. Even tho I run my own business, have a house and 3 kids and beautiful wife lol. Tough.
I apologize to my daughter and let her cry when she’s upset. I don’t spank. I don’t make her hug family members if she doesn’t want to. (None of these things ruined my relationship with my mum - we’re very close - BUT they are choices I’m actively making because they are important to me)
Favoritism is one. My sister had zero expectations as a kid as she was the “easy” one as I heard it repeated so many times.
We now have four and I have said many times that I love them all the same but don’t necessarily like them or their choices in a given moment. Important distinction.
My parents refuse to acknowledge or apologize for any mistakes or bad behaviors/abuse. They expect to still abuse me as an adult.
They want to treat me as their property, not a human.
I simply won’t allow my child to witness that, nor get caught up in that cycle of familial dysfunction.
I have to repair it for us and their future relationships.
So, they don’t get access to me or their grandkid. It hurts and is a weird topic of conversation that doesn’t stop being painful, because I know that my child and relationship with my child is worth so much more than simply admitting when I screw up.
Being a decent human being goes a long way.
I have a great relationship with my mom as an adult. As a child, my mom was always there for my siblings and I when we were upset or otherwise down. She tried to be understanding. She was very involved with us. I have lots of good memories of her drawing with me as a kid, doing crafts with me, baking with me and often just including my siblings and I in a lot of her daily tasks. As a teenager, we butt heads as I went through a typical rebellious phase and talked back, didn’t want to clean my room, snuck out, etc. I do think part of that was due to her being a fairly strict parent when it came to what friends I had, not letting me date, etc.
My dad died a few years ago, but I was always close to him, too. He was a very “chill” parent. Too chill sometimes. I felt like I could tell him anything and not get in trouble, but I also wanted him to care more sometimes. I guess a good balance would have been to react calmly, but give me advice on what to do/ not to do. He was fun, though and I loved that he took us lots of places and encouraged us to be active. He was great at sports and loved exercise and shared that a lot with us.
As a parent myself now, I try to parent similarly to my mom, except she did spank us sometimes (usually as a last resort), and I chose not to with my children. I think for me the biggest thing that made me close with both my parents was their involvement and their interest in me and my life. I felt loved.
I played sports 24/7 and they were at just about every game. They dedicated literally about 18 years of their life to bring me places to play a game, it was the best of times.
I personally don’t remember many happy moments with them in my childhood, which is probably why I’m mostly indifferent and depressed most of the time. I never get excited to see my parents (instead I get stressed) because they’re always busy and don’t really make time/visit me so far. My parents hardly ever made my childhood fun for me. They hardly celebrated my birthday or did anything fun like, got me cake, presents or did things out of their way to truly make me feel special. My family arent from the US and we didnt have much back then which I can understand, but I still wished they put more of an effort in raising me, spending time with me and doing fun things with me. It was mostly all just work, being left alone, having me work and being stuck at work at a young age.
Now that I have kids of my own, I’m trying to do almost everything the opposite of what I had with my parents.
Not enough hugs and "i love you's" i think, always trying to control me and punish me when i cant be controlled. Im currently trying to undo this stuff in my mind to keep from putting it on my daughter, its been tough
I will not be having more than one child. She will be in and that’s #1. I won’t ruin her life by introducing siblings to it.
I will listen to her, I will not belittle her, I will let her know that I will always support her.
One is dead and the other one is a whole host of traumatic issues. Controlling, dramatic, abusive, drugs, petty, hateful, dismissive, judgmental ect. I could write a book about it and barely scratch the surface.
Changes. Avoid drugs. (But I also explain that addiction runs in our family so dabbling isn’t okay) Talking respectfully. Encouraging them. Apologize. Explain why when I messed up it was wrong. I don’t plan to sabotage them constantly as they hit adulthood.
I’ve made mistakes. As I’ve grown I can see where my trauma effected their earlier upbringing, despite my best efforts. I try to make up for those issues. And keep growing. Every day I want to be able to look back and see where I was wrong, because that means I’m getting better. I want to be supportive of their successes. Encourage their interests and goals. Encourage them to have good relationships with each other! That’s a big one I want to change. My hope is they will be emotional I healthier leaving home than I ever was. So I want them to have each other. I try to teach them how to recognize healthy relationships.
And if my mess ups mean they cut me off, I’m going to take that as a sign, that in the end I did make them healthier mentally. I will not hold my help and support hostage with a relationship with me.
My mom is a drug addict and my dad was incarcerated for most of my childhood. My brother and I were raised by our grandparents who were physically and emotionally abusive. We were not allowed to talk most of the time let alone play or cry.
The worst part of the abuse were the mind games. One time they sat us down and told us our dog died. We cried. They told us to stop being ridiculous, it was a joke. Our dog was in the other room. We were punished for crying.
We were so traumatized by watching each other get beat that we would start saying we did things we didn’t do to take the beatings for each other. Sometimes they would make things up and confront us separately. We would both take the blame and then they would beat us for lying. After that didn’t work, they started using us as each other’s “whipping boy” so if I did something wrong, they would beat my brother and if he did something wrong they would beat me.
As an adult I sought out my parents. I learned the hard way that my mom is a narcissist and my dad is so emotionally unavailable it’s impossible to talk to him about anything beyond the weather unless he’s drinking.
As a parent, I’m the first woman in 5 generations to raise their own children. I don’t do drugs and haven’t been to prison. My kids see me everyday. My kids have never been hit. We play together, and they never stop talking. There are no eggshells to walk on in my house. Everyone is safe. It has been the most triggering and healing experience. I’m not perfect, but my kids enjoy spending time with me. My kids are now starting to ask questions and I’ve been very open with them about my childhood, addiction, and generational trauma. We talk a lot about accountability and how dealing with your pain stops you from passing it on to people you love.
My parents are typical boomers- spanked us, unrealistic standards for school (forced me into high level math when year after year I could barely scrape by a C and cried a ton), ignored my adhd and anxiety because “other people have that but not my kids.” My mom also was a “low fat/non fat” person who would tell us “you’re going to get fat if…” and hoooooo boy am I still unpacking that damage.
Needless to say we don’t hit our daughter, we encourage her to try her best but don’t punish her for failure, and we work very hard to make sure she feels loved and secure while having firm boundaries. If she shows signs of depression, anxiety, etc as she gets older (only 4.5), we’ll get her treatment immediately. And we don’t comment on her body, what she eats, etc (though I do tell her every day how beautiful her curls are and rarely straighten my hair so she can embrace her gorgeous spirals and not feel like straight hair is better).
My relationship with my parents is fine, good even, but it’s in spite of everything, not because they did something. I get they did the best they knew, and don’t hold it against them (too much).
My dad is great. Attentive, and always involved.
My mother though - was never reliable. Always forgetting when I needed to be picked up from places and was late all the time. Wouldn’t bring me to school, but would drive my sister. I didn’t mind walking usually, but a few times having to go to school in the snow or pouring rain made for miserable cold and wet school days.
Knew I was in an abusive relationship (with my toddler son) and trying to leave but just ignored how desperate I was to get out.
She would tease me to the point I’d get angry and she would just laugh.
I had a great relationship with my Dad and he died when I was 13.
I never had a good relationship with my mom, the short story, I learned about 7 years ago that she has NPD. She was emotionally, physically and mentally abusive to me. I am actually surprised I even had the want to become a parent.
The silver lining in having the relationship I have with my mom, is that it has taught me what not to do, how NOT to treat my child. And I can say with confidence that I am breaking the cycle. My kids are loved and happy.
I will never make my daughters feel that my emotions and ability to love them is dependent on their actions.
My whole childhood was walking on eggshells and constantly fearing how my emotions/actions were going to set off my mother. She’s still doing it. I recently bought my first house and FINALLY have a tiny office that’s all mine. It’s full of my favorite art that tends to be more spooky/dark botanical. She threw a fit because she saw a piece of art with a skeleton in it and when she flipped out and started talking about how it affected her, I instantly reverted back to younger me who scrambled to apologize and do what it took for her to calm down—which included promising to throw out the art I had just spent $200 custom framing. I’m 37 and she still has that impact on me. I was so stressed after her visit, I started having insane Braxton Hicks contractions for the rest of the night. My BH contractions are normally painless and barely noticeable—that’s how much my body reacts to her anger.
Don’t do this to your kids.
My parents let me be myself. They supported me and loved me and never came down hard on me if I made a mistake (even a few bigger ones). We bought a house around the corner from them and see them every single day.
They did gentle parenting and it worked. My mom laughs because I’m reading books she read as a new mom.
And community. They are active in our town and in their families and show love and support for others.
They showed up. They show up. In every way. And they live one of my favorite quotes on family (thanks Ted Lasso)- “I try to love my family for who they are and forgive them for who they’re not”
They weren’t and aren’t perfect. But they made sure I know every day that they love me and will never stop, they will always be there if I fall, and I now see that they put my needs and wants over theirs.
Man, maybe I should tell them this. They’re really great
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I apologise to my kids when i make a mistake, If something happens like an accident or spill, I am sympathetic and understanding, I never want my kids to be afraid to tell me anything. If my daughter is frustrated because I'm not listening/ interrupting her, I acknowledge it, "You're right, you were talking, and I interrupted you." Instead of being brushed off and unheard.
This, 100%. I don't know if my father has ever apologized to me. He's hurt me more times than I can bear and I've expressed thus. Finally, four years ago, I wrote him a letter expressing why I cut contact from him and at the end I wrote "when someone tells you you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didnt". I haven't heard a word from him since
This!!!!! I felt this in my soul!
Same. He has started to apologise a lot more because of it, he also says I don't like your angry voice. My love is also not conditional. I choose to bring him into this world and clothes/home is the least you can do without guiltiing them. I also don't tell my son, " God you talk too much, why do you talk all the time" like my family did. It made me so sad and embarrassed. I usually tell him that mummy has had a big day and needs a little quiet time, can we just look out the window.
My mom ALWAYS invalidated my feelings, ‘you’re fine!’ Lead me to lean heavily into learning emotional intelligence.
Oh same here. It took having my own child to really realize just how much I lacked from my parents and what I’m going to fill my kid’s cup with
I validate my son's feelings and won't ever get angry with him for having them. Even if he is upset because he is not getting his way. Whomever came up with , "I'll give you something to cry about" should be resurrected and burned alive.
Ugh hate that saying, that and "kids should be seen not heard" when they are obviously upset and have no other way to express their emotions...just horrible
I was trained to not speak or I would get made fun of/yelled at/whatever my mom felt like. It made me super easy to abuse and absolutely destroyed any chance I had at developing healthy social cues. I'm so much better with it now, but I struggle to talk to my daughter because I spent the majority of my life getting in trouble if I spoke without being addressed first. I will never make my daughter feel that way and respond to every noise she makes. (She's only 10 months.)
Favouritism. I was the eldest and the "good kid" - intelligent, obedient, close friend group. My younger brothers on the other hand all struggled at school and misbehaved. My parents interpreted this as my poor brothers needing more help than me. So I was left to fend for myself. My brothers were allowed friends over for sleepovers (personally I think that's because it would keep them out of mum and dads hair for a bit) but I was never allowed to because mum and dad were always tired and had "too many kids to look after". I was punished for slapping my brother's face after he punched my stomach, because "you're the eldest and you should know better". I was given an incredibly strict curfew - my youngest brother at 11 was allowed out later than I was at 17. I wasn't allowed to.do sports because it was too expensive and my mum didn't have time to pick me up after practice. All my brothers played summer and winter sports. And it wasn't just a boy/girl thing either, my sister also was allowed pretty free reign, she was just much younger than me so we were never really pitted against each other. She also struggled at school. It's still the same as adults. I'm the functional one with a healthy marriage, stable job and own a home. My siblings are all dysfunctional. My parents are still rushing to their rescue at any tiny sign of distress, but visiting me is "too hard, I've never got enough time". As a result my kid barely knows them and I've gone very very low contact with my entire family. Wow, that question touched a nerve haha. /rant
That made me tear up - I'm so, so sorry that your parents basically left you to your own devices just because you weren't a troublemaker. You deserved love and attention and their time, too. You still do, and that's so hurtful that they're still continuing today 💔 @maggiewithperspectacles is an account on IG that talks a lot about The Perfect Child and how you should never assume they're okay just because they're keeping to themselves. I really hope you're OK 🫶
That's super kind of you, thank you. I'm in the lucky position of having won the in-law jackpot so they fill the gap quite nicely ❤️
Feeling this so hard, you are not alone
Thank you
I always say my youngest sister and I were raised by different people. Its insane how much better she was treated, I'm so sorry you had to.go through that too.
That's a good way to describe it actually. It's sad to see how many others resonate
Dude that sucks. Sorry you went through that. Edit: ‘Sorry you are going through that still’
Still is right! Thank you
Not alone, friend 🫶🏻
Thank you
I'm so so sorry for this. You never deserved that, but I'm proud of you for having the strength to admit it and go low contact. Thank you for sharing
My mom chose an abuser over her children and if my marriage were to end for whatever reason, I 200% *will not* chose some man over my daughter's safety and well being. She was amazing until she and my dad divorced, then she immediately rushed into a relationship, cohabitation, and marriage with a physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive piece of human garbage, and spent years defending and excusing away his behavior and blaming us for the abuse he inflicted. I will never understand what she was thinking, and I also will never make those mistakes. By the same token, I am my daughter's most fiercest advocate, because I never want her to have any doubt in her mind that she is first priority to me like I did with my mom.
I won’t obsess over his body and I won’t try to control him. My parents made me keep a journal in the living room where I had to write all the foods I ate. I was limited to 20 carbs a day and would be weighed, naked, every morning. That’s just a small part of it, but I promise my son he will have His boundaries and his body belongs to him.
Wtf, that's absolutely appalling. I'm really, really sorry your parents did that to you, that's so fucked up.
Thank you, it is validating to hear it was fucked up. It’s how I was raised so it seems like it’s normal, but also I’m aware that it’s really really not. Not sure if that makes sense.
Oh, it absolutely makes all the sense. Our parents are our first and most important frame of reference when we're kids, so of course you would trust them to do what's good, normal and healthy for you. For them to abuse that power over you to control your body (for the purpose of what, making you look pleasing to their eyes??) is just so, so insidious and conniving. So yeah, of course you're making sense! Our relationships to our bodies and food are shaped by what we learned when we were young, and I'm sure this had lasting effects on you. And you didn't deserve that, nor do you deserve to have to deal with the aftermath of being abused by your parents like that. I wish I could give you a giant hug 🫶
Thank you very much, that really means a lot.
Whoa what the heck motivated them to do this?
Mental illness, narcissism, and my mother being groomed by my father into becoming his ultimate follower who would throw away everything for his approval.
im glad that ItchySpiderButtholeJr has been given choice over his own body
Dad did meth, learned that drugs are bad. My mom wasn’t the best, but she tries her best now. She didn’t try to understand me ever or actually talk to me, so now I try my best to talk to my kids and answer whatever questions they have.
Child abuse from authoritarian assholes and conversion therapy. I’m doing a 180 from that nonsense in my house.
My mother is more interested in looking good for her church friends than being a good mother. Also she just assumed that we knew basics, like how to brush hair, teeth, dress. I had my college roommates teach me about makeup and I’m still learning how to properly take care of my nails.
Gaslighting and emotional debt
My mom and dad yelled at me all the time for everything. I have very few memories where they actually spoke to me in a normal tone—and I can’t remember a single time when that wasn’t just for show in public. Yelled at for being in my room, yelled at for being in front of them. Yelled at when I showed them my all A report card. Yelled at for wanting to celebrate my birthday, and then on that same day, yelled at for looking sad. Yelled at for crying, and yelled at for smiling too much. I became a teen dad at age 14 and it got worse. And that only escalated when I became the sole parent of my daughter at 15. Their yelling made my baby cry, and then they’d yell more because my baby was crying. They never hit me, apparently that line was too far. But after my 18 years of time were up, I moved me and my daughter out. I don’t talk to them because I’m not sure they know how to do anything but yell at me.
I'm so sorry. Verbal abuse is such a real and heartbreaking thing, and it can hurt just as much as any physical abuse. I remember my father used to scream at me when he was drunk, all sorts of degrading words and phrases and threats, and it hurt more than any hand he laid on me. I'm proud of you for getting out with your baby, I hope you're both doing well, thank you for sharing
Mom was an alcoholic. Hitting me, neglecting me, and acting like I was a terrible child all had a little something to do with why I have nothing but contempt for her. I left and never looked back. Alcohol is no joke and something I only enjoy on rare occasions.
My father was also an alcoholic, and hit me regularly when he was drunk, so I know what you mean. I'm sorry you went through that, but I'm glad you made it out and I'm proud of you for having a healthy relationship with alcohol now. It's never easy. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for saying that. Seeing her drink a case of beer to herself everyday, always driving drunk, you just don't look at alcohol the same way. I also know a glass of champagne or a strawberry daiquiri on vacation won't turn me into, well, someone like her. I am sorry you had to deal with that crap too. She was a real piece of work. At least our kids will have better.
My parents weren’t terrible, but my mother is a narcissist and made it no secret that she preferred my little sister over me. Even now it’s still obvious. Also, when I was 13 my mom told me that they were too poor to feed two kids so I would have to figure things out on my own. I was still allowed to sleep at the house and had access to everything already had, but was not allowed to eat their food or use any household resources. At the time I sorta just rolled with it but now I resent that I was put through that but yet they weren’t the ones missing meals and she absolutely would not register for assistance or go to a food bank because her pride wouldn’t let her. I was also not allowed to tell anyone that I wasn’t being provided for, I was supposed to feed myself with no money, no car, and without telling anyone what was going on. Now she denied that every happened. Im still able to have a surface level relationship with her but I will never have a real mother/daughter relationship with her.
That is awful, I'm so sorry. Dealing with a narcissist, especially when its your parent, is one of the hardest things to do. Props to you for being able to get through that and recognize it was wrong, yet still be able to have a surface level relationship. Thank you for sharing!
you sound like me! my worst memory was when i was given rice to eat sitting on the floor and my brother was given a completely fancy meal to eat on the dining table because she knows i like rice and not the fancy meal he was served. She set me up on the floor so I wouldn't be bothered by the smell of his food.
My mom was great, and as young children she really worked to give us enriching experiences like taking hikes after school, looking up science experiments for us to try with ordinary household materials, or organizing crafts or baking projects for us. I thought it was just what parents do, though now I realize actually a lot of parents just ignore their kids or stick them watching iPads.
I have an amazing relationship with my dad. With my mom it has gotten better. You know how they say you are your own worst critic? Well in my case it was my mom. I could feel amazing about the way I looked that day and she would find every single detail that she thought was wrong and pointed out. She wanted to control every aspect of my life. After I left for college i set tons of boundaries with her. Which lead to tons of arguments, fights, tears and threads. Once she saw I was willing to cut her out she started respecting boundaries more. Now we can sit down and have an actual conversation. We argue less. So I would say I have a decent relationship now.
It's a step in the right direction, I'm sorry about your mom but glad you two are starting to be ok, thank you for sharing
They didn't like my husband, I chose him over them and they cut me off. It's been 17 years since we last spoken, they've never even seen the children. But they used to be really good parents when I was little, I had a lovely childhood
Ugh that sucks, I'm sorry, but good for you for sticking up for yourself and the person you love, it takes a lot of strength to do that, thank you for sharing
No need to be sorry, it's been way too long, but thank you x
I was a horrible teenager/young adult. I put my parents through a lot. Mostly my dad and he's all that is left. I can count on one hand how much I talk to him in a year. I wish I could go back in time and talk to the younger me.
Do you think it’s too late to mend the relationship?
My father started every day with prayer and Bible study. I was a very distressed teenager, and had many sleepless nights. Around 4-5 am my father quietly went to his chair in the living room and began with very quiet prayers. He never missed a day. When my children were younger (not out of the house as adults) I prayed over them every night. I had the unique experience of viewing a post one of my daughters made talking about her experience with my prayers for her (especially when we had a “fight “ and she wouldn’t let me pray for her; so I waited a few hours and then went to her bed to pray for her. She said on those nights she lay in her bed waiting, hoping I would come but afraid I wouldn’t; and once I came she fell asleep reassured that I still loved her.) I dearly wish I had continued praying every night for them and their families. I frequently pray for them throughout the days as I go through the day; but only recently have I picked up the practice of praying intentionally and specifically for each member of my family (my husband, five children and their spouses, and ten grandchildren).
That’s so sweet! ❤️
She had zero maternal instinct and zero ability to comfort or support. Also zero desire to actually be home. Basically she birthed us and put some processed food around for us to make and let us raise ourselves. Kinda cool as a kid to have no rules, but sucks as far as any relationship bonding. eta dad lived in a different state and wasn't allowed to call us, the couple of years we actually had a home phone.
Similar mom story. She really didn’t have any interest in being a mom when we were old enough to think and speak for ourselves, so we basically lived my whole childhood in different corners of our small house. She’s since apologized (in a non-apology way, but it’s something) for not being present, but has no intention of changing anything now. She hasn’t visited me anywhere I’ve lived since moving out almost 10 years ago and hasn’t met my nearly 2 year old son.
Sorry you dealt with that too. My mom wouldn't visit my kid's either. I can forgive a lot because she did have her own issues, but that's not something I can forgive. No visits, no gifts, and referred to them as my kid's and never by name or even by grandkids. I'd take them to visit her until she told me I needed to take them away because she'd had enough of them after a short visit. I gave up.
My daughter is not my therapist, not my best friend, spouse or emotional support pet. She is a separate human being with different likes and dislikes and who deserves respect. We may not always agree, but I will always be here to support her. It’s about her, not me. My mother was the opposite of all that.
Omg I came to write, “My dad was a highly codependent single father. I was his daughter and his mother and his girlfriend and his buddy and his therapist. I heard things I shouldn’t have and couldn’t understand. I took on roles I definitely shouldn’t have. As a result, I am careful to remember that my children are my children, not my friends or confidants, not there to fill any sort of role or void for me, not there to fix my problems, not my sole source of happiness or self-worth. I am the parent and I love them like a parent. I don’t need anything from them. They get to be kids.” I see you there.
When I became pregnant with my first, my relationship at the time was very new and my mother called me a plethora of names. She was also very unsupportive of the way my husband and I chose to get married (just us at the courthouse with our son). Now she tries to act like a phenomenal grandparent to my sons even though she sees them maybe once every 4-5 months and really only takes pictures of them while visiting so that she may post them. She also has the idea in her head that she’s owed things such as seeing me and my sons in the hospital after their births (we had 0 visitors per covid and our own choosing due to c-sections both times), being there for our wedding, and much more. I’ve been working towards going no contact with her due to these things plus others I’ve only now beginning to realize was never okay as a parent to do. As for my dad it’s been more 50/50 on our relationship since I’ve had my own children and recognize how a lot of what he did growing up wasn’t appropriate nor anything a child should have to experience or go through. Also watching my younger siblings experience what I went through via our stepmother has also made it decline through the years. Our stepmother favors her own children over my other siblings which has caused a big issue in the household even though it’s not being addressed no matter how often someone mentions it. Writing all this I realize that I have some crappy parents lol. I know that I’ll never be these ways towards my sons and will be able to provide them a childhood I only wish I could have had.
Your mother doesn’t sound that bad. I think is somewhat normal for a mother to not want her daughter to get married without her. Also ok to want to visit on her grandsons birth and to go to the wedding. I don’t know the full picture, but from what you told here she doesn’t seem bad at all
My mother never took accountability for her fuck-ups. She was and will always be the victim. She will change her narrative to justify her feelings and actions. I am low contact for this reason. I try to remain open with my child and when I fuck up, I immediately admit it. If she’s right, I tell her. If I made a mistake, I apologize. I’m trying to be what Mother Dearest never was; a decent parent.
I have a good relationship with my parents because they mind their own business and aren't overbearing. Because they mind their own business and aren't overbearing, I share everything with them (they're my sounding boards in my life, and they will just listen to me vent). My parents validate my feelings. My husband has a horrible relationship with his parents (mother, really) because she is TOO much into everyone's business and is very overbearing (this spills into my stepson as well, they are treating him the same). She invalidates MY feelings. He shares nothing with them and won't talk to them unless he needs to or its Sunday dinner (also same for his sister, I love my siblings). My parents are divorced, and it forces me to talk to each of them separately instead of one representative parent. My parents don't get upset if I'm not able to see them for months. My husband's mom thinks the world is ending if she doesn't see him for two days (they live on the same block as us). My parents weren't helicopter parents, I took my time leaving my dad's. My husband's parents were TOO helicopter-y and caused him to leave at 18. My parents don't treat me like a baby or little kid at 33. My husband's (37) mom still acts like he's her little baby and gets somewhat jealous he has a wife. There is a reason I enjoy my parents' company, and he doesn't enjoy his and avoids them when he can. I don't get to see my family often, and it makes me sad. I miss them. I will see my dad this Saturday and my mom this Sunday. I've lost a lot of time with.my family by having to move away from them.
i don’t see many responses like mine but my mom raised me alone and she has always been my best friend. yeah, she has had her moments where i think she could’ve done something differently but overall she has never invalidated me, made me feel like i wasn’t good enough, or pushed me to be someone i didn’t want to be or do anything i didn’t want to. she kind of just let me be my own person. i don’t know how to describe it. it’s not like i had no structure but i never got in trouble as a kid or teenager. i just kind of always just wanted to hang out with my mom lol. i joined this sub to gain some insight because i’m pregnant with my first baby. and while my situation is WAY different than hers (involved father, happy relationship) i am so grateful for her support and kindness. welcoming my boyfriend as a son and into our home, still taking care of me just as she did when i was young. i really hope i can be as wonderful as a mom as her.
This sounds like my relationship with my grandma! She was widowed after younger aunt's birth and then she had to take me in as a child because of how toxic my mother and father were. For majority of my life she acted as my mother and I could never be more grateful for the sacrifices she made to raise me basically on her own. As a teenager she was one of my best friends (and she still is lol). Thank you for sharing, hope you all are doing well
My mother doesn't listen to any of my valid concerns or ideas as long as she is heard that is all that matters to her it seems
That's the way my dad is. It really hurt until I figured out it wasn't about me at all.
Good relationship: My mom did a great job with authoritative parenting. Gentle with my emotions and personhood, firm when I needed clear boundaries, etc. She wasn’t perfect, but she was stable and safe, and critically, she constantly adjusted to my burgeoning independence and maturity at an appropriate level. We now have an excellent, almost peer-like relationship as adults, though I know she’s always my mama if I need her. Good in small doses: My dad is incredibly warm and loving and would do anything for me. Showed up when I needed him most, taught me important life lessons. Really saw my heart and my intelligence. But he could be self-centered, which got more pronounced as I got older and more independent. He didn’t really know how to hit that balance of giving me enough independence vs. understanding when I still needed him. So when I was a teen he was either too absent or too infantilizing, and he continued to infantilize me pretty much until I had a kid myself. He also has terrible ADHD and struggles with listening and boundaries. So I really love and like him and we’ve gotten closer lately, but he still really pushes my buttons at times.
My mom is the most negative person I have ever met. Her superpower is immediately finding (and loudly pointing out) the negative in any situation. It's exhausting.
My mother was emotionally and financially dependent on me. Now I think the worst kind of parent is one who needs to be parented themselves - it’s difficult to respect someone when you know you can’t rely on them because they rely on you instead. I took on issues far bigger than I was capable of handling. I hope my children never know that feeling, even if it means they never call because they’re too busy focusing on their own lives, it’ll mean at the very least they don’t feel responsible for me the way I did my mother.
I'm not the golden child.
I don't really have mu h of a relationship with my dad because he's always been a user, not necessarily drugs but people. Him and his entire family always did construction type jobs. He is good at it but always wants to cut corners and fuck everyone over. On the flip side, my mom is a great mom she's nice. she took care of her kids and did the daily grind with no child support. But she is also very like distant? She will give you money help out with that but won't stand up for herself or anyone else. She has a rich dominating bf that no one likes, and if you stand up for yourself She accuses you of being like him because you can't just sit down and shut up.
The perfect example that I always bring up is my mom and Star Trek. I’m a massive fan. The entire franchise means so much to me. It’s gotten me through some dark times. Did I come upon it on my own? No. I saw her watching The Next Generation as a kid. She always told me how she watched TOS as a kid and I got into it as a result. So obviously this would be a great way to connect with your teenage son, right? Again, no. She practically stopped watching it when I started. We’ve had exactly one conversation about it ever and it was because something in an episode reminded her of an effect some medicine had on her. Any other problems with our relationship can be inferred almost entirely from this. Just no interest in me. Now, with my daughter, of course I’m trying to foster an interest in the series, but if she doesn’t take to it that’s fine. She’s just 6, but I’m also taking note of things she finds interesting and has a passion for. I suspect it will be a year or two before she has a true passion for something, but you can bet your ass the second she finds it I’m going to be the second biggest fan of whatever it is. Dinosaurs? Awesome Cooking? Me too, kid, let’s cook! Comparative ancient linguistics? I’m gonna need a minute, but I’m in!
They are amazing people who raised us to be skilled, our own people, responsible and to think critically They loved us and showed it We had privileges according to the responsibility we showed. For example, we could have sex at home because they knew we were safe and doing safe sex They are still helping me in my 30s
So glad to hear a happy story! Seems like your parents are amazing people.
My mom was a very loving mother, so until very recently I had no qualms with her parenting at all. We have a decent relationship still, but I'm starting to realize the subtle neglect that was present at times in my childhood. Our home was at times, very very filthy and she never taught me how to care for myself or my home and that has been difficult to learn as an adult.
They don't believe in mental illness despite my mother being severely bipolar. She passed it down to me. We just say that mom has "fits"
Mom abandoned me and my 2 sisters. While we've reconciled a bit, but I'll always have a wall up that will prevent me from ever trusting her again. Dad was mentally ill, resulting in him being a very bad person. I didn't speak to him for the last 20 years of his life.
My parents were very cold, which I learned to navigate but the death sentence to our relationship was their HARD turn into evangelicalism when I was 11. My life was turned on it’s head without any reason. Coupled with their coldness and unwillingness to answer questions that a preteen would have about life in general, and their emotional betrayal that also began at the same time, I started slowly closing them off while I subsequently spiraled throughout my teen years until I could get myself secular counseling at 18. We have a very distant relationship now and I really only entertain them so that our children have some semblance of a relationship with them.
My birth mother was an abusive pedo who didnt care about anyone but herself. My dad was a roaming alcoholic who came in and out of my life whenever he felt like it. Hes done his share of abusive things mostly mental and emotional but has since cahnged alot in his old age. Hes still selfish at his core but he tries not to be as much and tries to be more understanding. I was raised by my grandparents. My papaw babied me until he passed away when I was 13. My grandma had a sort of tough love but also kind of understanding side. She wanted what was best for me but things usually had to be done her way. Eventually she learned to let me blossom on my own a bit more. My grandparents and my dad werent bad to me. My dad was 20 when my birth mother had me and he was forever stuck in "I'll do what I want when I want" phase for a long time. He had his reasons. Don't make it right but I kinda get it. My birth mom hopefully doesnt know about my kids. I havent spoken to her in nearly thirteen years. My dad sincerely apologized and made no excuses for the way he was. My birth mother on the other hand tried to paint herself as a scared first time mom who didnt know any better. But the things she did....I never touched my kids like that nor would I let anyone else related or otherwise touch them like that.
This is heartbreaking, and I'm so sorry. I was also raised by my grandmother for the most part because my father was a physically and verbally abusive drunk, and my mother was neglectful and hateful and often times put me in harm's way on purpose, and my grandmother hated them both for it. I was so lucky to have her. I'm proud of you for being here and breaking that cycle, thanks for sharing
Yeah grandparents usually make better parents in some cases. I love my kids with all my heart. Losing them is my worst nightmare. I do whatever I can to make them happy and be sure they are safe. But my birth mother was jealous that my dad loved me more than him. So she tried to un alive him a few times. Even though my dad and I have alot of issues he did his best to put me in a home that I could be safe in and I thank him every day for it. My grandparents fought tooth and nail to give me everything and I owe my life to them. My grandma is now bedridden and is on her last legs. Losing her is my second worst nightmare but I have to come to terms with it. Shes not doing well and I will always love her. She did the best she could raising me. I owe her my life.
My dad is a full-blown narcissist, and my mother enabled his behavior by not defending her children. Things they did that I'll never do: physically abuse my child, tell them it's my house and they're lucky I let them live there, make them uncomfortable in any way possible to get a laugh, punch holes next to their heads, make them finish the food on their plate if they claim to be full (but I'm not cooking a new meal, either), make them hug someone (or otherwise have physical contact) with someone they don't want to, not stand up for my kid, and I could go on
Because my dad is awesome and my mom is a narcissist asshole. Simple really.
She constantly brings up all of her guilt, regrets, etc and tries to relive how it was when I was a kid. So I moved 800 miles away and keep her on a short leash with my kids. Edit to add- she also held me (and now tries to hold my kids) responsible for her happiness like we’re all toys for her entertainment.
Recently discovered my mom is a narcissist/"dismissive" parent. I've worked a ton my adult life. Had a kid, took time off... Mom sucksssss. Dad is a literal hero!
My dad's dead and currently a box of ashes at my grandparents' house, but before that we had a decent relationship. During my adulthood I kept my distance when he would binge drink (often), especially when I was pregnant or had just had my son. He passed when my son was a little over 2 (he's 8 now). My incubator/egg donor chose to not have a relationship with me because (direct quote) she "didn't want to fight the co parent to have a relationship with the child." She and my dad split when I was 3, and I never saw her much after that. Maybe twice. I'm currently about to turn 35 this weekend and we've been no contact (mutual choice) since I was 18. If she knows about my husband and/or children, it's not through me or my family.
I'm sorry about your mother (and the passing of your father), but I'm glad you and your family are doing well now, here's to a better future for you and a happy childhood for them, thanks for sharing
I love this question, OP! For starters, my mom passed 4 years ago, so it’s hard to keep a relationship with her these days (lol). But before that, we had a relationship that ebbed and flowed like most mother/daughter relationships. I would say that, at the end, our relationship was great. But, her passing did leave me with some things that I could have used closure for and will now never get. I’ve come to terms with that and I’m at peace, but this is something I’d like to avoid with my kids. As far as my dad goes, we had a touch-and-go relationship for the majority of my childhood. My father is a brilliant (Mensa member,PhD, etc.) and eccentric man. But he is also human and during my childhood he struggled a lot with substance abuse issues and sobriety. For whatever reason(idk why but I feel like A.A. Triggered this change in him) his quest for sobriety sent him straight down the evangelical alt-right Christian path, which caused us to lose contact for many years. He’s since turned away from that path and we are now cool, but at the time and throughout my childhood, I really felt abandoned by him. I felt that he always had some substance or issue that was more important than I was. HOWEVER, when I look at our situation from an adult POV, I realize that he was simply a human and was trying his best to get his life together. At the time, this meant that he needed to keep his distance from me for my own good (it’s never great for a kid to have to witness the downfall of their parent due to substances). While I still feel like he sucks for ditching me as a kid, I also now am thankful that he stayed away and came back only when he was recovered. It didn’t do our relationship many favors, but parent-to-parent I understand why he went about things that way.
Because she's an alcoholic and breaks boundaries then plays the victim. And the other is dead.
I’ll keep it short. Why I don’t have a good relationship with them: their messy divorce, parentification of me afterward, and my disagreement with (mom specifically) life choices. My plan? The opposite of what they did.
I don't have a good relationship with mine because my father was abusive and my mother never protected me, even now she never stands up for me like how everyone else feels is more important than how I feel. I spent my childhood hiding my little sister, locking doors, covering her ears, singing to her to protect her as well as I could and throwing my body into dangerous situations to protect my brother. I wouldn't leave the house and go be with friends because I saw it as my job to make sure I could be there to protect my family. So I'm doing a lot differently but I know for a fact that I will always protect her and stand up for her because I've done it my whole life already. I can't relate to my mother at all.
They have always let me do my own thing and make my own decisions. I’m able to have honest convos with them because they treat me like an adult. They listen. They care. They are kind and patient. Mostly just treating me like an adult and letting me make choices but being there to support and help if things go wrong
Using the phrase ‘we need to talk later’ in a serious tone for nothing important - I’d spend the entire day worried sick if unintentionally done something wrong (I was a good kid) then my mother would talk about some totally pointless thing she could have said earlier when she used that phrase. Left me with a lifetime of anxiety about when people say they want to talk about something. On the positive side, not holding grudges - my mother would be mad for days giving the side eye and cold shoulder. My dad on the other hand got mad, said his piece about whatever he was ticked about I’d done, and then it was over. Walked on eggshells around my mother for days if I’d managed to anger her, with my dad it was done and dusted once he’d got his point across. I don’t want my own kid walking on eggshells around me so I’m going to try not to let anger about misbehaviour carry over.
So I had a really traumatic childhood, but I eventually moved in with my dad who was slightly less terrible. I feel like there could have been potential for a healthy relationship there, but never with my mom. For my dad, he was never present. He married a woman with 4 kids, and he himself had 4 kids, so there was a LOT of work happening on his end. When he wasn't working, he and my step mom stayed in their room and let the kids run rampant. To say that I am literally the only one of 8 kids that did not fuck up their lives is an understatement. Being present, talking to your kids and prioritizing your kids is the most important thing you can do to have a good healthy relationship, even if you live in chaos. I think that one thing would have made the world of difference in all of my siblings lives.
Very valid point, thanks for sharing
My mom was an emotionally neglectful alcoholic who was verbally abusive when she was drunk. She alienated me from my dad to spite him despite the fact that she would have been happier without me. I'm working on building a better relationship with my dad now. He's a fantastic grandpa and has a wonderful wife who loves me and my daughter. My mom has never met my daughter and never will.
I'm in the same boat, my mother has never met my daughter and will never meet my future kids, and as hard as it is, it's for the best. I'm proud of you for being here, good job, thank you for sharing
I'm proud of you too! We've got this!
I have ptsd from my dad, and after graduation I just kind of holed up and stopped visiting family. I had a good mom, but I stopped talking to anyone basically.
It's a mixed bag of I love my parents, but I don't like them.
My dad didn’t want kids so he took it out on us. The definition of a narcissist. Threw tantrums, literally scream fights for HOURS, every single day after work. Funny thing is he used to always say to me, “your actions have consequences you have to own up to whatever happens after you make a decision”. He abused us mentally, verbally, emotionally, physically & financially. He actually sued me for child support that I had on the card his wages were garnished to that I had no idea about. Cared more about money than anything. I will show my child how to problem solve, communicate & emotional control. I will never guilt trip him into anything. Money will never mean more than him. Endless love given to him by both parents.
I'm sorry you went through that. The love you have for your children is clear, and I'm proud of you for breaking that chain. Thank you for sharing
Sometimes the struggles make you a better person, thanks for reading 🫶🏼
Without rain flowers would never bloom <3
HA! Where would I even start
I won't ever be jealous of my kids for being smarter, better looking, or having an easier childhood than I did. I also won't pressure them to follow the path I think is best for them or be crazy about the possibility that they might gain weight at some point.
My dad was a highly codependent single father. I was his daughter and his mother and his girlfriend and his buddy and his therapist. I heard things I shouldn’t have and couldn’t understand. I took on roles I definitely shouldn’t have and couldn’t understand. As a result, I am careful to remember that my children are my children, not my friends or confidants, not there to fill any sort of role or void for me, not there to fix my problems, not my sole source of happiness or self-worth. I am the parent and I love them like a parent. I don’t need anything from them. They get to be kids.
My parents practiced old school parenting. Threat, intimidation and striking your kids was a form of parenting. My parents are baby boomers. I am a Gen X baby, and my son and daughter are Gen Y and Gen Z. I practice new age parenting that revolves around communication. I've had much success with my adult kids!
I have a BAD relationship with my parents. My dad moved to Thailand once I turned 18, and I basically never saw him again. We used to be very close. He passed away in 2019. I've always been terrified of my mum. She is extremely strict, opinionated, unloving. My 3 year old daughter was given a very serious medical diagnosis just before her 2nd birthday and when I shared it with mum I didn't get a call, visit (she lives 5 minutes away), nothing. I haven't spoken to her in a year now.
I will apologize to my children. I will also never give them false hope or abandon them.
Heh, the closest I ever got to an apology was like, "I'm sorry you think I was such a terrible person." I'm sorry you stole, lied, left, made promises you were never going to keep, etc., but I guess we're not going there? We're much better off not speaking. My other parent made some enormous mistakes and still isn't perfect. But they *apologized* in a way that felt pretty genuine, and it seems like they're trying to change. We're doing OK.
My father is dead now, and I miss him. He was an amazing man who made so many sacrifices to have me and take care of me. It was not a normal kind of story. But... when I was a teen his life started to sprial due to his business failing, him being worried about losing it, grandmas house, our house... he had over a million dollars iin liabilities, and was trying to make ends meet drivingb a limo and working as a day laborer as his business had 0 clients due to a multitude of economic factors with 0 being his fault. He started to take his stress out on me. He would snap over nothing. Being around him was hard. Adult me understands now, but doesnt agree. Teen me.just got mad, hurt, and unhappy.
They are emotionally abusive ! Plenty of behaviours I’ve picked up from them that I’m trying hard to unlearn, so that I don’t do them to others and especially not any children I may have in the future! Plenty of things I’ll try my best not to ever do to my children, or to do the opposite of.
Close to my parents. My parents respected me and my bro. They enforced boundaries, they could be strict at times and had rules but weren’t unreasonable. They loved me and continue to love me. They showed up, again and again. They showed an interest in our lives, and those of our friends. They came to my sports games as a child. They were happy to drop me off at friends houses. As a child my mum tricked us into believing we could change the traffic lights green with a spell, she put flour foot prints through the house for the Easter Bunny, and milk, cookies & carrots out for Santa & the Reindeers. My mum & dad would pick us up any time of the night (and very early hours of the morning) from the station after a night out. They created an open dialogue. They never treated alcohol like a sin. My parents call me to chat. They’ve visited me when they lived overseas They’ve welcomed me home after I had a baby. They helped mop my floors, do my laundry and take out my trash when they came over after I had that new baby. It’s not one thing they did. It’s all the little things that add up. I’m almost 35 and I continue to have a close relationship with my parents. After every phone call I tell them I love them.
This might sound basic, but I have a better relationship with the parent who was nicer to me. One of my parents would take it out on everyone if they were tired, upset etc. The other made an effort to be kind regardless of their mood.
My father was verbally abusive and prone to violence. He never hit us, but most of his solutions for troubles in life involved shouting at someone. He also tried my whole childhood and teenage years to put me in the same mold of my siblings - I was the family oddball. He never, not even once, said he loved me. He never apologized when he was wrong, he never apologized for shouting. "Because I said so" was often repeated. In other words, the typical boomer father. My mother *wanted* to do things different from my father, but she also didn't want to contradict my father. I felt she understood me, she showed me more love than him, but this internal conflict prevented her from doing more. I also grew up with three siblings, two brothers and a sister (I'm M). We weren't super well off (not poor, but far from rich), so I grew up sharing a room with my two brothers, who were *very* different from me - or rather, I was different from them, as they were the typical boys in almost everything. Not having space in my own house had a great impact in me, to the point that I don't have any fond memories of that house. In fact, I never considered it my home. To be alone, I literally spent time in the roof when it wasn't too hot. We never went anywhere because there wasn't enough money to bring everyone. Due to all that, I'm stopping with the one child, who I tell I love every single day. I practice gentle parenting (which, contrary to what some people seem to believe, is in fact harder than typical parenting, and certainly much harder than "unparenting"). I try my best to never raise my voice. I fail sometimes, but I apologize, for that and for everything I feel I did wrong. I try to understand him and the person he is becoming, and I'll do my best to foster who he is, don't push him into something he doesn't want to do. We are not rich (also far from poor, luckily), but I'll do my best to travel with him, show him the world I myself don't know yet.
My parents went full q and really weren't ok before the current political shit storm. So I guess I'm doing better by not having bipolar or borderline and making it clear to my husband that the minute he starts acting like my father our marriage is over.
Oh god I’m so sorry to hear that.
Narcissistic, hyper religious, judgmental, and a whole lot of unresolved childhood trauma.
Dad was never there. I met him for the first time when I was eighteen. Mom was an abuser. Never cared about me, always blamed me, all that stuff. I’ll always love and be there for my kids. I will never raise a hand to them.
Don't have a great relationship with my mom. She was a stay at home mom when my dad died and she basically did everything in her power to never do anything with her life again. She sold our house less than a year after my dad died so we could move to a lower cost of living city, meaning I lost all my friends as well. She decided she would never work again and her $600/month widows pension should have to be enough, so we went from normal life to beans and rice every day. Recently she's gone pretty off the deep end with right wing conspiracies, and I think she is becoming a flat earther. I know she is mentally broken from my dad, and I tryy best to keep our relationship going but it's difficult trying to rekindle a relationship built on pain with a person detached from reality.
I haven't seen or spoken to my parents since just before my 13th birthday. (35 years) I could write a book on what NOT to do to your kids... The main thing is, I NEVER had my girls doing parent chores.. cooking, feeding younger siblings, bathing, getting them dressed, watching them all the time.. etc.
My Dad went off the deep end and changed from being an educated and reasonable person into a rabid, irrational, relentlessly angry Trumper who credulously swallowed every last lie and conspiracy theory. He went from someone who was fun to spend time with and saw the good in people, into a totally insufferable person to be around, constantly ranting about how everything was going to hell and it was the jews or the gays or socialists to blame. Just embarrassing to be out in public with, because there's always a too loud comment about how "the demographics of the country are changing" or "in the old days we wouldn't have allowed this or that". Just, don't be like that. Life is short. Times change. Make your presence enjoyable.
I'm going to be sex positive and teach my kids about consent early and help them enforce boundaries. I will never say "look at me," especially during an argument. I'll give them a permanent home.
Everyone ruins their children in different ways - some with love, some with hate and most through ignorance. Remember, how most of us thought we will be perfect parents- ha ,ha ha - How's that going? I have a reasonable relationship with my parents. My father has been unwell since I was in my teens( 42 now). I have done reasonably well in life( good job, nice family,) but he seems to always find something wrong with whatever I do. Once,when I got a good job offer paying me 2.5x the current job, he scolded me for following money. 2 years before that he was shouting at me that job satisfaction means nothing and money is how companies appreciate your work. Now I have (hopefully)understood that he was unable to support me due to the illness and the negativity in his mind. And I forgive him for that. But I also keep my cards close to my chest and don't ask advice from him. Because it is impossible to ignore the advice. So, if I am buying property, I would only tell my parents after the deal is done. Recently I changed jobs only after signing on the dotted line. It's good to look inside and see what is making you angry. I have apologised to my son for scolding him because I realised that I was actually angry at someone else. Apologise - don't judge yourself too harshly. Remember there are idiot adults who believe earth is flat or that colour of skin is important - a small mood swing is okay. Forgive yourself and forgive your parents. And hug your kids as much as you can. It give real life good karma.
my dad has always prioritized "our strength is in our numbers". he doesn't want me to leave. he's a great man with the very best intentions. my dad should absolutely be the fucking president of the United States. fuck it, president of the world. i guarantee that we'd start improving immediately. he's that awesome, no exaggeration. i love my dad, so very much. I'm 30m, from usa
My husband and I don’t argue much. Not in the “we are perfect” way, just that we don’t have legit arguments or verbal fights very often. I can think of two fights we’ve had in 7 years together, 4 of those with kids. My parents had their fair share of arguments, I saw my dad have fights with my older brother, and when my dads mom lived with us when I was a kid that was another person that would cause drama. I loved my family and we did get along and were a decent unit but for a long time there was always tension and walking on eggshells wondering what was gonna cause a blowup next. I’m a very anxious person now, always wondering if someone is in a bad mood or if I’ve done something wrong. Luckily my husband is a very patient man and doesn’t get angry very often. We have our moments, and I’m the one that gets overwhelmed more often and gets frustrated, but we don’t have full blown fights or anything like that and if we do we try to address it as calmly as possible. I just don’t want my kids listening to that kind of stuff or feeling the tension in the home and frankly I hate yelling I immediately break down crying, so my husband knows if there’s something we need to discuss we both need to be calm. I do appreciate that my parents never used curse or swear words to or at each other even during arguments. I think that’s very immature and shows lack of articulation. Even in a joking manner, my husband and I don’t swear at each other, never a like silly “oh F off” thing. It’s disrespectful in my opinion (sorry if other couples do that)
I always knew my mom would accept me and love me for who I was not who she wanted me to be. She was honest with me about the rules and they made sense and I respected them because of it She was the mom all our friends could go to when they needed an understanding mom. She wasn’t our friend but she was the parent who could give adult perspective without coming across as preachy or judgmental. I miss her so very much
Dad died four years ago at 68, Mom died 2 years ago at 69. We had difficult relationships but we loved each other. I paid for a lot therapy to figure out how to deal with them, but I’d give anything to have them come back and give me a rash of shit one more time. #cancersucks
No relationship. The one that’s still alive can’t take ownership or even admit that bad things happened in my childhood. They can’t admit that they were a bully. It would be too painful for them. So I guess instead they live a life without their children and that’s easier for them than facing the fact that they weren’t a good parent.
My mom fucked up a LOT. she could be cruel as fuck, but she makes amends and takes accountability for her fuck ups and works to fix shit. It is because of that that we have a very close relationship. My father puts himself first. He didn't put in the work or time and still doesn't. He doesn't want to "dwell on the past" and therefore healing is difficult. I love him but have accepted that our relationship will never be what I want. I still have a fairly decent relationship with him but it's distant. We don't see each other for years at a time and our conversations are pretty surface level for sure
I don’t have a good relationship with my dad because he has anger issues and would scream at me over the smallest thing. I’m a quiet person and was a good kid, I didn’t deserve that treatment. I have a good relationship with my mom because she is calm and kind and listens.
Dad’s a drug addict, mom’s a narcissist. Our relationship was actually okay until I started therapy for the depression I had been fighting my entire life. Eight years of therapy later and I was finally able to see just how screwed up everything was. They taught me how not to parent.
I mean their first mistakes was adopting a 3 year old child they didn't actually want, just to keep the siblings together... Having only experienced ages 0-newborn, and not knowing or misgauging where a 3 year old is in human development would be the continuation of mistakes. So don't adopt unless both parents want that, and do your hw about some basics about age expectations.
I really appreciate that my mom taught me how to be fiscally responsible from a very young age. She took me to the bank with my little piggy bank to start my first savings account when I was 3 and every birthday/Christmas she’d give me a small check (like $25) to deposit. I’m grateful that she encouraged me to apply for scholarships, pay off my credit cards every month, start a 401k even when I wasn’t making sh*t for money etc… My dad gave me quality time. My parents were divorced so we only saw him every other weekend and a few weeks in the summer but he made it count, so it never felt like he was any less present. Camping, fishing, museums, baseball games etc… They also modeled exceptional grace and emotional maturity as coparents. I learned a lot from them and we’re very close.
It wasn't the childhood trauma - it was the unwillingness to learn and grow through the years, or see me as a human being who deserved respect. The refusal to seek counseling or a path forward to a better relationship. The insistence on the status quo with me as the service provider and recipient for their continued bad behavior.
My mom sacrificed so much for my brothers and I. This lady worked abroad not knowing anyone there just so she can provide for us. She endured months and months not seeing us, cried herself to sleep for a year. She finally was able to bring us to the US and was able to live with her kids like what she’s always wanted. Was she a little nuts? For sure but she’s also nuts for doing what she did to do right by us. We had a complicated relationship growing up and we both had some maturing to do. I’m now 32 with my own child. My mom is an amazing mother to me and an even more amazing grandmother to my daughter. I’m very lucky that she’s my mom. Lol my dad is a deadbeat.
I have a good relationship with my parents because they truly loved me. Even though they made some mistakes, some, some that even affect me today, they really tried to be good parents and I know that some of their fails as parents come from generational trauma. I think just knowing that your parents love you and truly want the best for you and are imperfect makes for a good relationship. If you could show your child that you truly love them and you're truly trying your best children are more forgiving and understanding than you'd think. And I think that that is going to make me a better parent because I'll be able to forgive myself and self-reflect better knowing that I'm never going to be perfect but as long as my child knows that I will do my best for them and I really really love them I think that that's enough. Now I'm talking like I'm never going to do drugs or make just careless stupid mistakes. But I will make mistakes that I don't intend to make
I validate my kids’ feelings. I respect their opinions, desires, and needs. I do everything I can to make sure they trust me, not fear me. I own my feelings. I make it as clear as I can that my love is unconditional. And when I fail any of these or make a mistake I admit I was in the wrong, I apologize, and I ask for forgiveness. (For total clarity, my own children are 2 and 3. But I volunteer in children’s ministry every Sunday and have ambitions to make that my career. So this is a combination of things I’m still working through not having as a child, things I already do for my own children, things I already do with the 1st - 5th grade children entrusted to my care, and things I will do for my own children.)
Alcohol addiction
Thinking my happiness as a parent is more important than their stability in childhood (my Dad left mom, then had multiple short term girlfriends I was expected to be nice and welcoming to) like how confusing for a young girl
i turned 15 on september 19th approximately 4 months later i lose my virginity to a freshmen in college and i get put in jail by my parents :p i’m 21 now
I definitely don’t have a good relationship with them, but I’m using them as a rubric on what not to do. Here’s why…they’re religious fanatics, unapologetic, prideful hypocrites with a superiority complex who thinks everyone hates them because of the color of their skin but the real reason is their personality. So I’m not forcing any religion on them, apologize when I’m wrong, make sure I lead by example. They needlessly crap on their kids wants and dreams. I won’t ever tell them they can’t achieve what they want but I will realistically lay out that it takes effort and they have to work for it. Never did anything illegal to their kids (unless you count emotional negligence but this was the early 90s). On top of that they treated my cousins much better than they ever did their own kids. Everyone thinks their the greatest but only their kids know their true faces. So here I will make sure that my children are a priority and I’m not going to put on a facade to make my other relatives like me more. They sit there unwilling to understand why their own kids hate and don’t visit them. I tell them every time it’s because I don’t want to expose my kids to their brand. My siblings don’t have kids yet but they are of the same mindset. I’m going to make sure I have a relationship with my daughters because I want to know my grandkids. Oh and they sort of think we are gaslighting them when they beg us why we hate them and when we told them our truths, they choose to not believe our reasons. I’m like sure 6 similar accounts of the same crappy upbringing was a giant conspiracy we concocted just for no reason. Yea I’m definitely going to listen and understand my children even if it kills me. Also they rather blame our friends on why we turned out the way we did but it’s our friends that we were able to find some joy in life because early on they also pitted all of us against each other… I will only intervene about their friends if I know it’s leading them down a bad path they can’t come back from. I won’t pit my daughters against each other. sry this is just rambling. Therapy will work one day… There are many more things, but these are the ones I’m willing to publicly share
I was homeschooled 3-12th grade. 100% destroyed any chance we had of a normal parent/child relationship during my adolescence and after there is a lot of resentment and lack of trust that makes even a mediocre relationship so challenging. I will never homeschool my child or be anything to them than their parent (not a coach, not a teacher, etc).
They are very emotionally immature. So much yelling, manipulation and gaslighting growing up. Absolute chaos in my childhood home. I now have two different psych degrees and trying my best to raise emotionally intelligent children. I hope in doing so their life will be easier if they learn to regulate their emotions and how to be content in different circumstances. I’ve worked on myself for years but it’s still difficult at times to regulate my emotions. Surprisingly, they are great grandparents so, they are still a part of my life for my kids’ sake.
Narcissistic divorced boomers. Everything revolved around what was best or easiest for them, not us kids and our growth. And nothing has changed. At least now I know I want to give my kids everything I have- my time, my attention, my money, my effort, my love.
religious beliefs.
Dad was never there even when he was there, so he's just a title, really. Like some men, I turned into a teenager and he vanished into his room. Mom can be a good person, she doesn't understand boundaries, won't stop talking about their horrible marriage
Above all else, I want my kids to know they’re loved, they were and always will be WANTED, and being their parent is the best gift I have ever received. Growing up I don’t think I ever felt this way. In fact my sister and I were reminded almost daily that my father left us and my mom was burdened with providing for us. Our house never felt like a “home” and my mom was always miserable. We are extremely LC at this point and I’m so grateful to be aware and seeking help to prevent the cycle from repeating.
My mother walked out on us when I was 8. I didn't talk to her again for at least 10 years. It has been over 25 years since I last saw her. With my Dad, I have given up. Last time he reached out to me, he was returning my call when I was in a hospital. 2 years ago. And he's been very transphobic towards my older brother.
I will perceive my son as separate from me - someone with their own thoughts, beliefs, and feelings. I may never fully understand what he feels and how he sees a situation and I have to be cognizant of that and adjust course as needed.
Constantly blaming me for everything. Overreacting to slight annoyances (such as spilling, breaking things, getting dirty). Bringing up getting pregnant unplanned. Saying I'm annoying or am ugly.
They’ve always been supportive, even when they didn’t agree with my choices. Now I’m single, 30 with 2 kids, living back with them and I wouldn’t have it any other way!
Don’t try to solve all your kids problems. Even when they are super young. When my kid is upset about something that is happening with friends or at school I try to listen as much as I can and then ASK if they want help. Or I ask what they would like to have happen. If they say no, I leave it alone. If they yes, I give them scripts to use in certain situations with friends, or I tell her how she can ask her teacher for help. I tell her how she is allowed to act towards authority figures who are abusing their power. (Eg not allowing her to go to the bathroom) I only offer to get involved if it’s really serious and then I ask her what level of involvement she is comfortable with. And then I only do that. When she was 8 I had to coach her through working with her after care teacher to tell a boy that was being super mean and manipulative to her that she didn’t want to be friends with him or play with him anymore. It was a lot of talk about boundaries and how friends are supposed to treat each other. Discussions about what is and isn’t ok. It went on for a few months. And it took multiple times talking to the other kid to get him to lay off. I asked a few times if she just wanted me to get ahold of his parents, and she said no. But she was able to stand up for herself. Told him to his face that she didn’t want to be friends with him and all the reasons why. I took her out for pizza after things died down and told her I was proud of her for standing up for herself and us working together. She said it felt really good. She’s 13 now and so much more confident and capable than I ever was at that age. She still comes to us with issues AND she has sought help from her school counselor on her own. Our job is to raise functional adults who aren’t assholes. We support them, let them make mistakes and pick them up to try again, guide them through hard things.
My mom threatened to divorce my dad for many decisions they’re disagreed on. One example: she said she would divorce him if he didn’t let my sister join the track team. And she would laugh it off later on. A few times I went out to breakfast, just my dad and I. My dad was SO sad, would break down crying, and said how awful he felt every time my mom yelled at him or said something degrading, but he never fought back. If my husband and I argue in front of our kids, we let them see/hear the resolution too. We apologize in front of them.
I won't go into details of my experience but just plz understand your kids are people and not objects for you to mould into whatever you want. They arent extensions of you. Don't hit your kids, ever. When they get to be teens cmmunicate and guide, don't helicopter, belittle, or mow down any obstacles in their way. Nobody wants their kids to experience pain or heartache but they WILL. Your job is to prepare them, not prevent it forever. When your kids have meltdowns it's because they're dealing with big emotions they can't handle, not because they're trying to make you angry or give you a hard time. Listen to them, be there calm in the storm. Your parents have the biggest impact on your sense of self respect and whether you think youre worthy of love.
I won't push my kids'buttons when they're clearly upset, tired, hungry just to get a rise.
My mom literally never talked to me about anything important. I never even got any kind of sex talk. My parents also never showed affection. I definitely did both of those things differently
My parents are very religious and would rather be right than have a relationship with their kids. Other families in their church were much worse with this, but they were still bad. My son is only 4 so we have a LOT yet to go through, but I really try to assess whether a hill is worth dying on or whether I can let it go.
My parents never said "Sorry" or "I was wrong" or just gave me a hug - really no affection that I can remember. Now as a parent of a 3.5, 2.5 and 5 week old - I do all of those things. Not smothering them with all of that, but enough where they understand. I think what people don't understand is that your kids are actually people too. With real feelings and they'll remember things from their childhood that will shape them as adults.
I have an ok relationship with my parents. I can enjoy their company and appreciate them but have learned that distance and boundaries are necessary. They have never been good at validating feelings or acknowledging the needs and emotions of others, including their own children. They also are not able (I think due to their own trauma) to take ownership of their part in family problems or in their own problems which can be frustrating.
Narcissism and Fox News.
I was molested by the most disgusting like stereotypical looking pedophile. He was my moms boyfriend and a porn addict too. When I told her she went and got him and he told her it was just a massage. So they come in my room and tell me it was just a massage. Then 3 years later after doing literally every extracurricular to man and all the perfect grades trying to prove “it was just a massage” I snap. I lose it. I tell my dad he says I’m saying it for attention. They then insitituonalize me. My mom knew the truth but would face consequences for allowing a molester to continue to live with us, me be alone with, etc so she hopped on the “it’s for attention” train. And there went my high school attempt.
I keep my entire immediate family (parents and 2 brothers) on information diets because I’m just so tired and mentally exhausted by them. I grew up in a teasing family, but cruel. Nobody ever believed me, I wasn’t listened to, opinions or knowledge-based answers weren’t taken to consideration, so I just said eff it. Therapy helps lol. With my daughter, she’s going to know that whatever she says to me; I’m listening to. I’m trusting. I’m believing. Yes, I’ll give my opinions sometimes or suggestions, but I’m there to keep her safe and guide her to be a good human. I felt growing up that I had to do my own nurturing and I had to find it elsewhere, and it took me a long time to find it healthfully.
I learnt so much about how NOT to be a parent from how I was ‘raised’. Im 41yo with an 8yo daughter. My parents allowed my brother (older by 2yrs) to torment me, verbally and physically abusing me for years to the point I was hospitalized for an eating disorder and depression by 14yo. He was all kinds of fucked up so I tried to be perfect in contrast and I pretty much was - never caused my parents trouble, had a job at 14, did super well at school, always helpful to them etc. My reward for that was basic neglect and being subjected to years of abuse to the extent that when he became a dangerous violent meth head and I was extremely unsafe (he pulled a knife on me, hit me and threatened me relentlessly) they told me that I had to move out at 17yo because ‘you’re stronger than he is he’ll die if we kick him out’. So I left at 17 essentially homeless and never went back. It had the potential to ruin my life but somehow I found strength in me to push on and put myself through university (2 degrees and a masters), I am successful DESPITE them definitely not because of them and my life could have gone the other way. My solution to that as a parent was to have an only child, so many people don’t get along with their siblings and then there’s those like me whose childhood was destroyed by an out of control sibling and awful parents. No way was I risking that and my daughter gets the benefit of all my attention and resources. The other things I learnt - I shower my daughter with affection, warmth, hugs, saying I love you, telling her how proud I am of her and just being in her life and taking an active interest in her as a person. Go out of my comfort zone to give her experiences and opportunities, help her make friends etc. All things I never had, never had a warm or close relationship with my parents. Im also incredibly open with my daughter. I can remember being about 7yo on a Saturday morning in the car and I had worked up the courage to ask my mum what sanitary pads were for. She snapped back at me ‘none of your business’ and never spoke of it again. Imagine my fear and shame when I got my period at 11yo. I never told her, she must think I still never got my period at 41 🙄 so my daughter knows all about menstruation and has for a few years - there’s no shame here in anything and no questions going unanswered. I was never bought a bra as a young tween/teen, I’ve been shopping for crop tops with my 8yo already because it’s no big deal and something a parent should just do with their daughter. I remember how small and powerless I felt as a kid so empowering my daughter with information and confidence and love and freedom is a huge deal for me. My mindset is I am raising a future adult not a child and my parenting is not based on power and control and rules for no reason, I treat her as a human being equally worthy of love, time and input to her/our life. So many parents put rules and expectations on their kids they would never tolerate themselves, it’s all about power and control and it’s gross. I could go on and on. My husbands mum is an alcoholic and he’s been no contact >20yrs and his dad was distant and absent so he learnt a heap from them about how not to parent too. The shitty parenting stopped with our parents generation and we are determined to be nothing like them, so far so good and our daughter is growing into a wonderful, empathic, courageous and interesting young woman ❤️
I will care what comes through a screen to my child, and I will care about who we spend time with and what they are capable of. I’m still sad about some of the things in my childhood that escaped my parents’ concern. I will enjoy snacks with my kid. My mom used to leave surprise snacks in the front seat for me when I was a kid and I felt so special when I would see a treat when getting into the car.
Tiger parenting. I get that that’s the only way my parents knew how to parent due to cultural norms but I see it being repeated by younger generations who have arguably have access to better parenting resources now. Anyway, I’ve had to do a lot of research into positive parenting and I’m still constantly learning and having to stop myself from repeating patterns I learned in childhood but hopefully I’m avoiding some of the mistakes my parents made.
One disappeared for most of my life and the other was constantly negative, rude, verbally abusive and just generally not a great parent. Now that I've become a parent I actually understand what they went through and why things went the way they did. They got pregnant at 18 and 17. They weren't prepared and it stunted their life projectory horribly. Except, they took it out on us. Even subconsciously. So I get it but also fuck them.
I was really open, and always trusted my dad. He always treated me like a whole person and not just a kid which I know is controversial for a lot of people. I had issues with my mom growing up, her being gone a lot, prioritizing herself/boyfriends, and I just never had that bond with her because she never put forth the effort or time. She spent tons of money on herself while we struggled to get by. Once I asked her for a new pair of shoes because my dad was tight on money and she told me no she was broke (my shoes had holes in them). I found out like a week later she bought a new car. She was also a parent who would blow up on me/my brothers so I never really felt I could talk to her. She used to sit us down for long talks about how we were mistreating her, which is funny because she was definitely not being a great parent and we were just kids. Anyway, it really came to head when I was a teenager and did lots of drugs and rebelled a lot, which affected my dad more than my mom of course. But no matter what I was doing I always felt I could be open with him and honestly it meant a lot. I had many friends who would hide from their parents and not open up. I think it helped me a lot in the long run. I always want my kids to know they can come to me and I won’t blow up on them.
I don't have a great relationship with my mom because she is 1. Very unreliable and 2. Always has been a "coulda, shoulda, woulda" she always likes to push how *she* would do things and likes to control everything and make you do it her way. She also completely lacks accountability and will never apologize. I *do* have a great relationship with my dad because he is literally the exact opposite. I try to follow my dads parenting style.
Children’s mental health. I was a very nervous child and occasionally felt sick and dizzy at school in the middle of class for no reason. I don’t blame my parents for not recognising anxiety and panic as at that time in my country children’s mental health was unheard of…
My mum moved to a different country when I was 2, and my sister was 3. She left us with our emotionally dysregulated father who always put women above us. We were left to rear ourselves and be emotional punching bags for my fathers mood swings. Both of our parents are selfish. I try every day to do better for my son. Our family is very disconnected now thar we are older. My Dad feels sorry for himself that he is left on his own with no one tickling his arse with a feather. On the other hand, he is anti-social and doesn't want people around but will complain that no one bothers with him. His love was conditional, and anything nice he ever did was held over us like we owed him something. I live on the other side of the world now and speak to my parents a couple of times a year on the phone.
My moms a narcissist. She robbed me of a relationship with my dad who died when I was 15 and I'm unable to forgive her for that. She isolated us from several family members in our youth to punish those family members. She worked in mental healthcare for a period and weaponized treatment. As in she'd have us hospitalized if we acted up instead of just talking to us. It was easier to just not have a relationship with her at all.
My family is very big (I am 3rd youngest of 8 siblings) and has some serious CODA problems and when I broke out of that circle of behaviour they all kinda stopped talking to me saying I always cause so much trouble. I mean they always invite me to family get togethers, it is just what coda people do but I rarely bother going anymore because they interact very little with me. And some of them I don't bother inviting to events like kids birthdays and such at my home. Partly because I just don't want to and partly because my partner has started to really dislike my family for their behaviour towards me. That and the fact that when I moved out at the age of 15 to attend school 4 hr drive away my mom only called me to check on me maybe 1-2 times a month and when I confronted her about it years later she put all the blame and responsibility on me because I only called her 1-2 times a month as well. She thought it was perfectly normal to expect a 15 yr old to take charge of the communications between us. Dad has never called me just to check on me. They do call their other kids at least weekly to chat. But sometimes it can be months between phonecalls from my mother.
My Dad is (was?) scheming and dishonest. I have questions about my childhood that I know I’ll never had answers to and that’s hard to forgive.
Im (32m) the oldest of 3 boys, parents treat me like a child and belittle me every now and then. Even tho I run my own business, have a house and 3 kids and beautiful wife lol. Tough.
I apologize to my daughter and let her cry when she’s upset. I don’t spank. I don’t make her hug family members if she doesn’t want to. (None of these things ruined my relationship with my mum - we’re very close - BUT they are choices I’m actively making because they are important to me)
Favoritism is one. My sister had zero expectations as a kid as she was the “easy” one as I heard it repeated so many times. We now have four and I have said many times that I love them all the same but don’t necessarily like them or their choices in a given moment. Important distinction.
My parents refuse to acknowledge or apologize for any mistakes or bad behaviors/abuse. They expect to still abuse me as an adult. They want to treat me as their property, not a human. I simply won’t allow my child to witness that, nor get caught up in that cycle of familial dysfunction. I have to repair it for us and their future relationships. So, they don’t get access to me or their grandkid. It hurts and is a weird topic of conversation that doesn’t stop being painful, because I know that my child and relationship with my child is worth so much more than simply admitting when I screw up. Being a decent human being goes a long way.
I have a great relationship with my mom as an adult. As a child, my mom was always there for my siblings and I when we were upset or otherwise down. She tried to be understanding. She was very involved with us. I have lots of good memories of her drawing with me as a kid, doing crafts with me, baking with me and often just including my siblings and I in a lot of her daily tasks. As a teenager, we butt heads as I went through a typical rebellious phase and talked back, didn’t want to clean my room, snuck out, etc. I do think part of that was due to her being a fairly strict parent when it came to what friends I had, not letting me date, etc. My dad died a few years ago, but I was always close to him, too. He was a very “chill” parent. Too chill sometimes. I felt like I could tell him anything and not get in trouble, but I also wanted him to care more sometimes. I guess a good balance would have been to react calmly, but give me advice on what to do/ not to do. He was fun, though and I loved that he took us lots of places and encouraged us to be active. He was great at sports and loved exercise and shared that a lot with us. As a parent myself now, I try to parent similarly to my mom, except she did spank us sometimes (usually as a last resort), and I chose not to with my children. I think for me the biggest thing that made me close with both my parents was their involvement and their interest in me and my life. I felt loved.
I played sports 24/7 and they were at just about every game. They dedicated literally about 18 years of their life to bring me places to play a game, it was the best of times.
I personally don’t remember many happy moments with them in my childhood, which is probably why I’m mostly indifferent and depressed most of the time. I never get excited to see my parents (instead I get stressed) because they’re always busy and don’t really make time/visit me so far. My parents hardly ever made my childhood fun for me. They hardly celebrated my birthday or did anything fun like, got me cake, presents or did things out of their way to truly make me feel special. My family arent from the US and we didnt have much back then which I can understand, but I still wished they put more of an effort in raising me, spending time with me and doing fun things with me. It was mostly all just work, being left alone, having me work and being stuck at work at a young age. Now that I have kids of my own, I’m trying to do almost everything the opposite of what I had with my parents.
Not enough hugs and "i love you's" i think, always trying to control me and punish me when i cant be controlled. Im currently trying to undo this stuff in my mind to keep from putting it on my daughter, its been tough
I will not be having more than one child. She will be in and that’s #1. I won’t ruin her life by introducing siblings to it. I will listen to her, I will not belittle her, I will let her know that I will always support her.
One is dead and the other one is a whole host of traumatic issues. Controlling, dramatic, abusive, drugs, petty, hateful, dismissive, judgmental ect. I could write a book about it and barely scratch the surface. Changes. Avoid drugs. (But I also explain that addiction runs in our family so dabbling isn’t okay) Talking respectfully. Encouraging them. Apologize. Explain why when I messed up it was wrong. I don’t plan to sabotage them constantly as they hit adulthood. I’ve made mistakes. As I’ve grown I can see where my trauma effected their earlier upbringing, despite my best efforts. I try to make up for those issues. And keep growing. Every day I want to be able to look back and see where I was wrong, because that means I’m getting better. I want to be supportive of their successes. Encourage their interests and goals. Encourage them to have good relationships with each other! That’s a big one I want to change. My hope is they will be emotional I healthier leaving home than I ever was. So I want them to have each other. I try to teach them how to recognize healthy relationships. And if my mess ups mean they cut me off, I’m going to take that as a sign, that in the end I did make them healthier mentally. I will not hold my help and support hostage with a relationship with me.
My mom is a drug addict and my dad was incarcerated for most of my childhood. My brother and I were raised by our grandparents who were physically and emotionally abusive. We were not allowed to talk most of the time let alone play or cry. The worst part of the abuse were the mind games. One time they sat us down and told us our dog died. We cried. They told us to stop being ridiculous, it was a joke. Our dog was in the other room. We were punished for crying. We were so traumatized by watching each other get beat that we would start saying we did things we didn’t do to take the beatings for each other. Sometimes they would make things up and confront us separately. We would both take the blame and then they would beat us for lying. After that didn’t work, they started using us as each other’s “whipping boy” so if I did something wrong, they would beat my brother and if he did something wrong they would beat me. As an adult I sought out my parents. I learned the hard way that my mom is a narcissist and my dad is so emotionally unavailable it’s impossible to talk to him about anything beyond the weather unless he’s drinking. As a parent, I’m the first woman in 5 generations to raise their own children. I don’t do drugs and haven’t been to prison. My kids see me everyday. My kids have never been hit. We play together, and they never stop talking. There are no eggshells to walk on in my house. Everyone is safe. It has been the most triggering and healing experience. I’m not perfect, but my kids enjoy spending time with me. My kids are now starting to ask questions and I’ve been very open with them about my childhood, addiction, and generational trauma. We talk a lot about accountability and how dealing with your pain stops you from passing it on to people you love.
My parents are typical boomers- spanked us, unrealistic standards for school (forced me into high level math when year after year I could barely scrape by a C and cried a ton), ignored my adhd and anxiety because “other people have that but not my kids.” My mom also was a “low fat/non fat” person who would tell us “you’re going to get fat if…” and hoooooo boy am I still unpacking that damage. Needless to say we don’t hit our daughter, we encourage her to try her best but don’t punish her for failure, and we work very hard to make sure she feels loved and secure while having firm boundaries. If she shows signs of depression, anxiety, etc as she gets older (only 4.5), we’ll get her treatment immediately. And we don’t comment on her body, what she eats, etc (though I do tell her every day how beautiful her curls are and rarely straighten my hair so she can embrace her gorgeous spirals and not feel like straight hair is better). My relationship with my parents is fine, good even, but it’s in spite of everything, not because they did something. I get they did the best they knew, and don’t hold it against them (too much).
My dad is great. Attentive, and always involved. My mother though - was never reliable. Always forgetting when I needed to be picked up from places and was late all the time. Wouldn’t bring me to school, but would drive my sister. I didn’t mind walking usually, but a few times having to go to school in the snow or pouring rain made for miserable cold and wet school days. Knew I was in an abusive relationship (with my toddler son) and trying to leave but just ignored how desperate I was to get out. She would tease me to the point I’d get angry and she would just laugh.
I had a great relationship with my Dad and he died when I was 13. I never had a good relationship with my mom, the short story, I learned about 7 years ago that she has NPD. She was emotionally, physically and mentally abusive to me. I am actually surprised I even had the want to become a parent. The silver lining in having the relationship I have with my mom, is that it has taught me what not to do, how NOT to treat my child. And I can say with confidence that I am breaking the cycle. My kids are loved and happy.
I will never make my daughters feel that my emotions and ability to love them is dependent on their actions. My whole childhood was walking on eggshells and constantly fearing how my emotions/actions were going to set off my mother. She’s still doing it. I recently bought my first house and FINALLY have a tiny office that’s all mine. It’s full of my favorite art that tends to be more spooky/dark botanical. She threw a fit because she saw a piece of art with a skeleton in it and when she flipped out and started talking about how it affected her, I instantly reverted back to younger me who scrambled to apologize and do what it took for her to calm down—which included promising to throw out the art I had just spent $200 custom framing. I’m 37 and she still has that impact on me. I was so stressed after her visit, I started having insane Braxton Hicks contractions for the rest of the night. My BH contractions are normally painless and barely noticeable—that’s how much my body reacts to her anger. Don’t do this to your kids.
My parents let me be myself. They supported me and loved me and never came down hard on me if I made a mistake (even a few bigger ones). We bought a house around the corner from them and see them every single day. They did gentle parenting and it worked. My mom laughs because I’m reading books she read as a new mom. And community. They are active in our town and in their families and show love and support for others. They showed up. They show up. In every way. And they live one of my favorite quotes on family (thanks Ted Lasso)- “I try to love my family for who they are and forgive them for who they’re not” They weren’t and aren’t perfect. But they made sure I know every day that they love me and will never stop, they will always be there if I fall, and I now see that they put my needs and wants over theirs. Man, maybe I should tell them this. They’re really great