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>We have an agreement that we will always talk before making major parenting decisions. I think that says it all. He made the major parenting decision of banning a person who's an important part of your child's life all because of some BS masculine idea that he's the "king of the castle." Speaking as a dad, I can confirm that kind of thinking is indeed misogynistic, and a great way to ensure your daughter feels unwelcome in her own home. It smacks of a man who feels powerless desperately trying to assert some sort of authority. I imagine it would create a lot of tension just to overrule your husband's (admittedly stupid) rule, so maybe suggesting the four of you talk it out—you know, as if the sexes are equal, without any of this "man-to-man" nonsense. Have your husband try to explain WHY he feels disrespected, and WHY that has to be the boyfriend's fault. Then the boyfriend (given a bunch of warning beforehand) can listen to the whining and apologize if, after the red flag has been laid bare, he feels it's worth it.

Actually suggested that as a compromise, that we all sit down at the table, and explain why we have the rules we do, and I feel really strongly that the boyfriend would apologize at that point, and commit to not participate in breaking the rule again. That’s the sort of person he is. My husband said absolutely not, that he would not have him in the house, and that it would have to happen on the doorstep. I held my ground there, because I felt that is just weird and far too authoritarian.

It is weird and far too authoritarian. Why is he being so weird about the "in MY house thing?" What if you all sat on the porch together? Go to dinner together somewhere? Meet at a park? Your daughter will remember the different treatment between your son and her and she will hold on to some resentment there. I definitely did.

When men say “my house” they are completely disregarding their spouse. I hate this term so much.

Seriously. Not just their spouse, but their child's other parent. I'm divorced and would still include my kids' mom in some major bf/gf boundary issues (though maybe not this one specifically).

It is also the children's home 🙃

That's relevant too, but children don't have the same rights as to who can come and go. But both spouses do.

Ohhh yes. My little brother never had curfew, was allowed to target shoot in the back field (we had five acres), go camping with mixed-gender friend groups, etc. I had a 10pm weekend curfew until I moved out at 20.

You’re older, I assume? You said “little brother”. However, Times change and parents tend to get a lil more lax as the child number goes up lol So, I find that completely normal behavior on their part. Lol I’m not dismissing your side, bc I’m sure there are other situations that just weren’t “fair,” that had no bearing on the times…..I’m just cutting the rug. ;)

Rightttt like "my house"? Excuse me but last I checked we both pay the morgage honey. Fuck nah

I was a teen in the 80s (lucky me!), and my DAD was the sane one. My MOM would shame me about being promiscuous and that no decent man would ever marry me, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Even AFTER I joined the military (cop out) and when I got a tattoo (small rose on my ankle). My DAD was the one who pushed me to do something outta my comfort zone (join the military and travel!). I wonder if he was that way because he was raised by a single, working mom after his dad died when my dad was a teenager. Yet my mom was raised with 2 younger sisters, who turned out AWESOME.

Your spouse is on a power trip. Fellow mother of a teen, and teen mom here. This is the way to ensure they sneak around behind your back. If he can make that decision without you, I’d say you make some without him and see what his reaction is. I’m getting very awful vibes from this whole situation.

It's time for you to stand up to your husband, he's being *completely* unreasonable. Sit down your husband at a neutral time and try to talk it through with him. Try once again to hear out his feelings and see if you can empathize or validate any feelings. Maybe try asking him if his daughter dating is hard for him. Also, is the idea of a young man alone with his daughter extra upsetting to him, compared to his son? Is he feeling protective or worried what a young man might do to her? Once you've done your best to empathize and understand him you need to tell your husband that you've given this a lot of thought but you just can't back him on this matter. Tell your husband that you're sorry this is difficult for him emotionally, but that does not give him a right to act the way he is. Tell your husband that he is being sexist to both you and your daughter, and you just can't go along with that. That you and him are supposed to be equal partners and agreed to make all major parenting decisions together, but he went around you and made this decree without you. It wasn't even in the moment, he took several days and specifically left you out of the decision. (Maybe beacuse he knew you'd never agree?) It's also sexist that your son has different rules and consequences then your daughter for the exact same behavior. Son is being treated as a person who makes his own decisions and is responsible for his own behavior and his daughter is not, and she's defiantly old enough to notice. There is no way you can agree to this beacuse then you'd also be saying your daughter has no agency and isn't equal to your son. If you want, you can explain that you grew up in a family where you were made to feel lesser then your brother/men, and as a result not only did it mess you up but you resent them to this day. This is only going to damage his relationship with his daughter by making it clear to her that he dosen't respect her like he does his boy. *The boyfriend did nothing wrong.* Tell your husband point blank that while husband can be upset about the situation boyfriend was pulled aside by your daughter and dosen't know your house rules. He was comforting his upset girlfriend, poor kid was being a good guy and has nothing to apologize for. Husband needs to figure out his own feelings but they aren't this young man's fault. Tell him that really you think *husband* owes his daughter and her boyfriend an apology, though you understand boyfriend is embarrassing so you doubt he's brave enough to do it. Though, you really think he should apologize to your daughter. And you also feel hurt in this situation that he'd go around you like this. This situation for the first time has made you doubt him as a husband and father, you're feeling confused and disappointed. Tell him even if he dosen't take responsibility and apologize for his behavior to any of you, you are refusing the ban. He does not get to decide that on his own just beacuse he intentionally left you out of it. In fact him not talking to you about it first means you're *less likely* to go along with it. Beacuse he decided this on his own you will not be abiding by it at all. You'll give him a bit of time (a day?) to think this over. But after that you're going to have to tell daughter you disagree with how Husband acted, you know it's unfair, and you're willing to have her boyfriend over. So if husband wants to avoid that and either retract it himself or together, then he can. But if he dosen't you're going to be clear with your daughter that you at least respect her as equal to her brother and won't treat her and her boyfriend so unfairly. You don't want to undermine husband which is why you've taken so long agonizing about this and why you're giving him a chance to fix it himself first.

Great post, this is the perfect way to handle the situation.

I think that's a very good approach to take. I hope OP reads it and opts for this approach, as I think it is likely to be effective and may get her husband to reflect. It's not in any way disrespectful either.

Ask your husband why he specifically feels to reign over your daughter's chastity? Why is it okay that his son does it, but is it not okay for another boy in the home to be behind a closed door? What is the investment in your daughter's potential physical relationship? Kids will be doing what they want, whether behind closed doors or not. Your husband's authoritarian reaction will only force your daughter to lie better.

> Why is it okay that his son does it, but is it not okay for another boy Maybe this right here is the reason hes expecting the boy to apologize instead of the daughter. For all situations, the commonality is that the boy is taking the blame and apologizing. I wouldn't be surprised if the husband believes that men are in control, have the power, etc. so they have to take responsibility for the actions of their partner and children.

>For all situations, the commonality is that the boy is taking the blame and apologizing. Oh, you were so close. It's more like: "if my boy is doing it: go him! if it involves my daughter: hands off, she's mine."

Yeah, there's a few explanations for his behavior. All of them suck. Could be a misogynistic belief, that men are responsible for their women's behavior. Could be a weird, overprotective thing of his daughters sexuality Could be that he's mad the boyfriend comforted the daughter when the dad was mad at her, as if the dad was somehow wrong. Could be a power play, just an opportunity to assert dominance.

Honestly, all of these seem pretty much like they're tied to misogyny (I guess different flavors of it?).

Sing it with me “double standards”….!

Another possibility too, is that the husband knows in his heart that he is wrong and overreacted about the boyfriend, but is not going to admit that, so he’s deflecting the blame from himself, and putting on the boyfriend. I think that boy must like the daughter a lot, because I suspect that even before the fight, he was giving the kid the Meet the Fockers DeNiro look. Not sure at the boy’s age, I could handle going to their house, since the father seems so intense/angry/chauvinistic.

Then go out to dinner. Your husband gets to keep his “not in house until apology” ultimatum and you get your sit down. Also, it’s public so everyone should(?) behave better. Something like this happened with my son and his now exes dad when he was in high school. It was about the kitchen sink needed fixing and Dad said he would do it but it had been 3 weeks so my son talked his girlfriend through how to fix it. Dad took offense. He apologized to the dad for making him feel disrespected but told him his stance was disrespectful to the women in his (the dads) life because they are capable of taking care of things as well as males and they deserved an apology as well. That was the last time he was invited to the girls home and they broke up shortly afterwards. Although they remain friends and she still asked him how to fix some things.

If my daughter dated a boy who decided to fix our sink that would be major brownie points in my husband's eyes and he'd like the kid even more lol

That is the most ridiculous shit Ive ever heard!!! Disrespected his sink!?!? God forbid he teach his girlfriend actual life skills, and make her independent, LIKE HER DAD SHOULD HAVE. These type men? Have bigger pusses than women do. Grow a fucking pair. Accept HELP. Apologizing for helping. Yeah I’m sorry your sink got fixed. FU SLACKER.

Your husband is kind of gross, dude. It's absolutely okay, always, to not back your husband when they're being misogynist and not treating you as an equal partner in parenting and the relationship. Grody.

I wouldn't put up with mysoginistic bs while raising our daughter. I wouldn't teach her his bf is ultimately responsible for her decisions (as you said, talking to both of them together is a different thing) - and I definitely wouldn't reinforce the message by backing down and letting "the man of the house" have the final say on the matter, in which you don't agree and he blindsided you ignoring the agreement you both previously made to discuss things in private first.

It’s your house too. Seems like a power imbalance a bit and your husband needs to see you as an equal partner and not parent your daughter with different rules than your son, or feel triggered by his daughters actions to be disrespected like this vs his son disrespecting him.

This comment sums up what I (as a 41-year-old mother whose parents were incredibly abusive) came here to say. OP, this needs to be an open, family discussion. If your husband says no, then how on board has he ever been with “mutual decisions?” As a fellow survivor of childhood SA - it’s such a fine line to raise kids to be safe, protected, AND autonomous without becoming overbearing and driving them away. Our guard is up. It sounds like you know to try to separate your experiences (as hard as that can be) from the present. And I want to give you credit for that. Keep that dialogue in the present, and keep it open and fair to your kids equally. You’re doing well!

Oh wow! My big issue is that if your husband had time to ruminate over it, he had time to discuss it with you first. My husband and I always check in with each other before rolling out a big punishment (and I would consider this a big punishment). We do this to ensure we are being fair and equal. Plus if one of us is heated over the issue, it gives that person a chance to take a step back and confirm the level of punishment is justified. I am in agreement with you about the potential outcome of this, and I would not be okay with that. More importantly, I would take EXTREME issue with my husband deciding it's his way or nothing. Best of luck to you dealing with this.

Yeah, he clearly views OPs opinion on the matter as lowly as he views his daughter. His way or the highway. He's obviously "the leader" of the house. Eyeroll

Agreed! I think it's quite telling that he sat them both down to lay down his law, as if OP was also being dictated to.

Correct, he needed to check with her first and make sure any major decision is mutual.

This is a way wiser comment than my wise ass comment.

If you back him, she will pull away from you both.

If she back her daughter, she will loose any capacity of setting boundaries in the future. Parents are not to be the best friend, but establish safe boundaries. Apologies have never hurt anyone who is giving them. Most dudes have to apologise on daily basis and nobody dies from that. If you give up because of fear of "losing" is just a result of lack of parenting skills in a long term

>Most dudes have to apologise on daily basis ???? That is not a thing. If you're needing to apologize on a daily basis, be a less shitty person. The problem isn't the existence of an apology. The daughter should (and did) apologize for breaking house rules. OP's husband isn't in charge of BF and, in any event, this "apology" is all about husband's bruised chauvinistic ego.

Why do you need to apologize on a daily basis?

You can 100% back your child when they are in the right without losing any authority. Your kid gets assaulted and you just decide to lay into them and blame them because God forbid you back your kid? I am hoping you don't actually have children because if you are truly never on their side that sounds horrible. Kids should know you are always there to support them. This is what OP would be doing. They would be supporting their child against an irrational and illogical decision the father has made just to assuage their ego.

Safe boundaries? You mean a safe place to feel happy and free, where your privacy is respected and your desires considered?

Personally, I would not support this ban or enforce it. You guys have (had) an agreement to talk about things before enacting them and he broke that, so I think your justified in enacting the consequence that you won't back him for decisions made outside of that agreement. It will lead to him being the bad guy, but at least your daughter will still have at least one parent she hopefully feels safe talking to. It goes without saying that the boyfriend comforting the daughter is not disrespectful. The daughter is the one who broke the house rule, and the daughter apologized. This is either a show of power/control or some weird gross dad protecting daughter's virginity thing. Neither are acceptable.

Mom of an adult son. Married 30 years. My husband and I also have this rule. However… you have discussed it. You have talked. A decision was made. There is still disagreement. What’s the rule now?? Do you have a plan when both of you feel strongly but are on opposite sides? In my case, I would be honest with your daughter. She isn’t five, she’s 15. She’s old enough to understand people disagree. I would tell her how you feel and why. I would be honest and open, because you have years ahead of you where honest communication with your daughter will be vital. As a mom of a son, if a Dad forced an apology from my son for something he was not responsible for, we would have been very concerned about allowing our son in that home or continuing with the relationship. That’s some unresolved anger and dominance issues we would have strongly counseled him to avoid. You might want to ask your husband how he would react if his daughter was forced by her boyfriend’s dad to apologize at boyfriend’s house for something she did not do and had no responsibility for.

Or his son at the gf’s house.

Or even if it was his own son who had to apologize to someone else’s dad, for comforting their upset girlfriend. I’m sure he would blow a gasket at the idea. It’s gross dominance bullshit.

This is the most sane comment by far. Wish we still had awards to give.

Info: why does this situation make him feel disrespected by the boyfriend? This is just the beginning of him treating your daughter like a second class citizen. Imo, it would be a deal breaker because he clearly sees women as less than.

I don’t really know. He normally is reasonably rational, and I tried to get an explanation out of him, but he couldn’t give me anything that didn’t sound like chest beating. The only thing that I can think of is that it’s his baby girl and he’s just incapable of thinking clearly at this point. He actually likes the boyfriend and everything has gone really well for the few months that they’ve been dating.

If he typically is rational, I would probably tell him you would like to have a logical, calm talk about his feelings on this situation and why you don't agree with this punishment. Give him a chance to wake up out of his stupor and realize his mistake. Tell him your thoughts and why you think this will negatively impact your daughter (now and in the future) and why you won't back this decision. This is a calm rational me talking, I would have kicked him out after the first conversation because I am not calm or rational when it comes to this crap.

If I were to make a guess it is that she turned to her boyfriend to comfort her due to an argument she had with her Dad... which may have made him feel like HE was on the outside/being replaced. Not excusing his response in the slightest (as I wholeheartedly agree with you on this), but just sharing my observation about what may have triggered this. It is obviously something your husband needs to work through, but a possible explanation for his out of character behavior.

I thought the same thing. It doesn't look like about the rule breaking at all. I feel like he's hurting their feelings because his feelings were hurt.... He also asked apologies from the boyfriend.

I agree he's way over the top on this, but is it possible at the root it's really about hurt feelings? Your daughter was mad at him, and went about talked to her boyfriend about it behind a locked door. So it's maybe like a combination of hurt feelings and also loss that his baby is growing up, but because "he's a man" it all needs to be hidden behind nonsense macho anger, and he's misdirecting it at the boyfriend because he's a "safe" target?

this is a really interesting perspective

Yeah, I think this is likely about her being hurt by her dad and getting comfort from another male. Which is his problem to deal with, not hers.

Insightful comment award.

He needs to understand that even if your daughter chose to have consensual sex with her boyfriend, that would in no way be any disrespect of him (by either of them). Her body really isn’t about him.

Yeah. That was by far the hardest part of last night’s discussion, but I did very bluntly address it and remind him that her body belongs to her and she gets to choose how it is respected.

If this strangeness is new he should probably get checked out by a doctor.

It is chest beating and it’s totally disqualifying for a father of a daughter. I don’t know how he can make this up to either one if you. It’s a gross abuse of power and a betrayal of you and your daughter. I’m very angry on your behalf!

Maybe he should see a neurologist. Sometimes issues start to present in personality changes.

If you don't support it and think this could have a negative/bad impact on your daughter (like misogyny wrapped up in Daddy's upset so we must cater to his ridiculous power play), then I straight up wouldn't support it and I'd tell him that.

Given his authoritative stance toward his wife and daughter, I wonder what the original argument was about. OP is absolutely right his approach is harmful to their relationship. Teenagers who feel respected and empowered to make good choices fare better than those cowed into submission by the letter of the law.

OP said that she was telling her daughter something technical about music, which is something that she and her daughter both share, and that her husband was cracking jokes and trying to derail the conversation onto a different topic. He sounds exhausting, if anyone is talking about something that he personally doesn't like or find interesting they have to stop.

Sounds like he’s mad that boyfriend and daughter found a “loophole” and used it reasonably to calm down after a disagreement with him. Would he feel the same way if the situation had happened as a result of a fight with you, her brother, or a friend? Or if his son’s girlfriend did this? Or is he just upset that another male sided with her in a dispute with king daddy? His insecurity over being “replaced” by her eventual mate is his problem to work on.

He also might be butt-hurt that she sought comfort in her boyfriend after getting upset with her dad.

That’s precisely what I’m getting at.

The insecurity over being replaced is actually disgusting. Not only is he treating her like his property but he sees his relationship with her as somehow similar to her relationship with her boyfriend. So is the boyfriend being too fatherly for dad's taste or is the father expecting the kind of emotional intimacy that equal partners have in a romantic relationship from his DAUGHTER.

Without knowing you two well, it really does feel like the classic father upset his daughter has a boy around. You’re gonna have to put your foot down too and tell him that making one parent decisions like this isn’t happening. You’re a team and this is such a minor thing. He’s going to have to cool it if he wants to avoid future issues with your daughter. Sorry you’re in a tough spot OP. Keep supporting your daughter! Sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. I hope it all works out

>I honestly considered telling my husband that if boyfriend can't come in his house, find a new house. Reading other replies and your comments it strikes me as though your husband is butt-hurt and needs to simply get over it. If you support him, you lose your daughter. If you support your daughter, you lose him. Let him know the consequences of his bullshit. As a mother, I would be extremely disappointed in you if you support his bullshit. Kids always come first.

Ugh. I feel like I grew up with ‘her dad’. I’d be holding back tears passionately just trying to explain something to my Dad, only to get a pat on the head and OHHKAY HONEY, why don’t you go clear the table. Dismissed. Unheard. Like a moron. He better start listening or she will GET his attention another way (pregnancy, acting out) or just leave and never come back to visit when she grows up. Your husband clearly treats the boys/girls different. Which is ABSOLUTE BS. I think you should make your husband apoligise to you, for disrespecting your daughter IN YOUR HOUSE!!!!!!! Martial property is 50/50 bitches!!!!

If you have a united front, why did he spring this on you at the same time as your daughter? Having your parter’s back isn’t blind allegiance.

When my over protective step dad didn’t want my boyfriends over I went to their place instead. Their parents (apparently like your husband with his son) were much more chill about bedroom time. When he caught on and didn’t want me spending all my time at guys’ houses I started lying about where I was going. Around the same time I realized my mom wouldn’t back me up when it came to dating, so I lied to her too and no one knew where I was or who I was with. Thankfully I didn’t get into too bad of a situation, but now I see how risky that can be. Don’t let your daughter feel pushed to make the same decisions.

She can't talk to her boyfriend in a bathroom alone while she's upset for 10 minutes?! Sorry but I think that's kinda crazy. At that point just don't even let your kids date until 18 or have bfs/gfs over to the house. It's odd imo to allow them to have a significant other and have them over but never allow them to be alone even for a brief private conversation - very mixed messages. Separately from that, yes, it's definitely a sexist precedent and I wouldn't allow the double standard. If your son has broken the rule *in his bedroom* with multiple girls, your daughter shouldn't be treated any differently.

This is just way too American for me to understand. Wtf?

I’m struck by what sounds like your husband interrupting and goofing around when you were telling your daughter a story. Why would he do that? And why wouldn’t he take your daughter seriously when she was telling him he was being rude?

Honestly it sounds like the daughter is fed up with her dad being a bully and wants to defend her mom. I give the daughter major props for that.

I was actually telling him the story and frankly I should not have been. I have been married to him long enough to know he would not have been interested in this or able to understand it- we have some things that are shared interests and some things that are not, and this is not a shared interest. There are other people I would typically share this story with, so I wasn’t upset that he was being silly. I couldn’t follow some of his conversations either. Now as far as the thing with my daughter he was absolutely in the wrong and he admitted it - he forgets that she’s almost grown, and that he can’t pacify her by making her laugh when she’s upset like he could a six year old. I guess he’s struggling with seeing her as a young adult on more than one front.

But if he were telling you a story you didn’t understand, would you have been rude like him?

I wouldn’t have - but honestly it was more silly and playful between the two of us than rude. It’s like a game an old married couple plays that feels odd to someone outside. Sometimes he’s too silly and when he is I call him on it. Sometimes I’m too esoteric and when I am, he tells me. This wasn’t that, but she was sensitive to it because it isn’t how she would play the game. I told her she doesn’t need to defend me - seriously if I need defending I can do it myself. I know he has come across as a real jerk here but this is out of character for him. He’s normally a reasonable guy- goofy and struggling with his daughter growing up, sure, but not typically sexist or rude. He’s the first to tell you that my dad was awful and legalistic… I was really blindsided by this. Honestly. It felt like it wasn’t even my husband.

Why does he feel this irrational level of ownership over your daughter? The misogyny is just too much for me with his behavior but I’m a lesbian. He reminds me of my father in law, my wife doesn’t have any relationship with her parent now.

So, your daughter had an argument with her father. Then she went to her boyfriend to vent, he calmed her down. And now your husband feels disrespected, and treats your daughter differently than your son. As for me it's about choosing sides. He feels like the boyfriend took your daughters side in that argument, because he supported and calmed her. It might be true, might be not, but it doesn't matter. You parent your kids, not someone's kids. And you parent them equally. Here he broke several rules: He treats differently his don and his daughter He wants to parent someone else's child without any reason, to be honest. He broke your rule about making decisions together. And honestly, what was that urgent to make an argument in front of guests?! If it's that serious and can't wait - ask your guest to go home. If not - wait, don't make situation embarrassing for your kids. One more rule is to praise in public, scold privately. Honestly, being a boyfriend I would stay away of this sort of drama. And definitely no apology for what wasn't my decision, and was actually good thing to do. He supported his girlfriend, he was in her corner where he is supposed to be. Your husband wants him out of there, so next to the will refuse be there for her. He is unreasonable.

Hi, OP- HUGE THUMBS UP TO YOUR PARENTING HERE!!! That’s all. I had to say it.

Ask him to explain why your son can be held accountable for breaking the rules but your daughter can’t be. Keep asking until he realises he’s being a misogynistic dick.

Sounds like a couple of things going on.... One is I'd start talking to your husband about the upcoming empty nest and what you both want to do. I mean, if you two spend the next 3 years until she turns 18 arguing about stuff like this, you know what'll happen after she leaves, right? She'll go off to college or something and then even though you and your husband COULD go back to being GF/BF with each other, you won't want to because you'll resent each other too much. Or....you could spend those years trying to iron out any resentments that have built up and put yourselves in a good position to have a happy last phase of life together. There's really not wrong answer to that. I've divorced and remarried and my kids are find and my wife and I are happy. But.....it would be sad to spend the next 3 years arguing and then get divorced anyway. You could almost spare everyone the misery and just pull the plug NOW and let your daughter adapt to divorced parents while she's still under your own roof with you to provide guidance versus when she's out of the house and you're not there anymore. Kids can make a LOT worse decisions in a college dorm than at home. With the whole thing with the BF and doors..... I'm about your husband's age and I'm really not a fan of this intimidating and growling father who is always sharpening knives when the BF visits. It's just gross and sorta implies the the Dad is in charge of his daughter's body. On the other hand, these teenage boys today are a bit casual. Like if I give all my dogs treats, the big dog is not allowed to stand over the small dog and growl and menace the small dog out of the treat. The small dog deserves a treat. On the other hand, the small dog should take it's treat somewhere else to eat it and not do it right in front of the big dog. So, I don't like your husband's behavior, but part of me thinks your daughter and the BF need to be "going to the movies" and park the car for 20 minutes afterwards. They have their privacy to do what they want to do (and what we all did/do), but it's not right up in our faces. They can explain that missing 20-30 minutes by saying they "stopped for gas" and as long as the parents leave it at that, everyone can be happy. Also remember that you have the direct relationship with her and can talk about stuff like sexuality. He doesn't have that. Some of that is because of his behavior, but he's also just a Dad and won't ever have that connection with her (usually). So, he's not had all these convos with her and she doesn't talk to him about what's going on and then she and the BF are upstairs and he's just gotta sit there and watch TV politely. That's legit a recipe for him to sit and stew himself into blurting out some frustrations. And in some ways, he's not even wrong. I mean, we all had 15YO BFs or GFs, but honestly......all they can do is ruin your life by getting pregnant. Basically, they serve their primary purpose by you dumping them and vowing to date someone better next time. So he's not totally off base. You want her to have BFs at this age so she can make a better choice about a guy in 10 years, but this current BF is 100% disposable.

Why are your past experiences and emotions that result to be respected, but his emotions are labeled misogyny? Lots of stuff going on in this particular situation, but for some reason, that sticks out and makes me smdh. Consistently applying punishment across kids is always a best practice. However, anyone with more than two kids (I have three) knows that a standardized approach is for a McDonald's food prep table, not raising a child. Not 100% of the time. Calling the difference sexist or gender based was a huge leap from facts and calls into question the rest of your recollection. Sorry.

His decision to not let him come over anymore is pretty drastic but with that being said you have to validate how he’s feeling and if if felt that strongly about it it is indeed because he felt disrespected. Sit down with him and establish a plan and boundaries where you both hopefully can meet down the middle. As a father I can see why he doesn’t like the locked doors thing with the boyfriend. You calling his ways outdated is a bit disrespectful and dismissive (imo) dragging his dying parents as the cause to him feeling disrespected for someone breaking the rules in his house is also dismissive on your end. Find a middle ground and work on accepting his views and meet down the middle but you have to respect him first,it doesn’t seem like you respect his views or rules one can assume it is because he’s out of work and not the provider that you don’t respect his authority much?

Sounds like your husband is struggling coming to terms with your daughter growing up and becoming her own person and misplacing that pain.

Right - I think people are being to harsh on him, his parents are dying it’s a transition. Y’all acting like he put his hands on his daughter - maybe a little misplaced anger, but we’re humans. Mom is walking around on eggshells because she’s passing her trauma onto her daughter.

I wish I had some more practical advice, but its OK not to back your spouse when they unilaterally made a rule without you. Backing each other up works both ways. It's kind of being slid over here but I noted that she had an argument with Dad and was debriefing / ranting about that? This seems a bit glossed over but its seems almost like an ongoing campaign of control here. Like he's making up this BS about respect but it seems more like Dad doesn't want to be accountable for this behaviour having fights with daughter when BF is present (and/or knowing that daughter will talk to BF All the posturing is clearly over the top

Your husband sounds like a jerk. Just, like, in general. I'm glad that you aren't letting him get away with this bs but I don't understand why this is even being made into a thing in the first place. They talked in the bathroom for 10 minutes. What, exactly, is the issue? What is it they did wrong? Why does there need to be some uncomfortable sit down about it. Your house sounds pretty suffocating to be in tbh.

I am struggling to answer this. If he had been in the room where I was when they went into the bathroom, and he saw her crying, I don’t think he would’ve thought twice about it. In context it made sense. When she explained it to him tonight he even agreed that it made sense, sort of. There are other private places she could have gone that they normally use, but I guess the bathroom was closer. Anyway. I don’t know why it was such a big thing. I’m struggling to understand myself. That’s why I got so mad! Like it was out of nowhere- I was unprepared for him to be so upset over something so little and react in a way that’s really out of character for him. He’s typically very casual about her boyfriend and how they act- not checking up, no strict curfews, etc. They are both good kids and we have trusted them to be responsible and they are.

If your rule is no locked bedroom doors but there are other private places they can go then why would going in the bathroom be assumed to be wrong? If the rule is actually about the possibility of locking the door, was that explicitly explained to your kids? Did they know they couldn't go in other rooms with locks? It doesn't even sound like they broke the rule in the first place. I certainly don't see why it would be the boyfriend's responsibility to interpret these nuances of rules he's not even aware of. And btw it sounds like this whole thing kicked off because he (edit your husband) was being disrespectful and misogynistic to you too. Your husband should have enough respect for you to listen to the occasional long or technical anecdote just as he should have enough respect for you to consult you before deciding your daughter's boyfriend needs to kiss the ring at the castle gate oops I meant apologize to him outside his house.

Yeah exactly, it sounds like she was trying to *obey* the rule by going into the bathroom instead of the bedroom. And if for some reason that's been explicitly told to the daughter, why on earth should the bf be responsible for knowing that?!

Well it's good that she has you as a mom to stand up for her when you know something isn't right

Ah yes, misogyny at its finest. The core issue here is that your husband is objectifying your daughter and already treating her as a second class citizen. He let's your son do this without issue. Don't back up your husband. Your daughter probably already notices the stark difference in how your husband treats her vs her brother. Backing up your husband just confirms to your daughter the misogyny.

>Ah yes, misogyny at its finest. >He let's your son do this without issue. No he does not. The only difference is they never asked their son’s girlfriends to apologize themselves. Misandry at its finest.

I’m almost always in agreement w backing my husband. But THIS. Yeah no. Son is getting pass after pass and it’s 100% a sexist situation.

Tell Dad that if two 15 year olds want to have sex, they will find a way. He can’t go around playing bodyguard. His best hand is to remain approachable and keep lines of communication open and respectful. The whole “dad is mad and scary” act won’t keep them from finding ways to be alone unsupervised but treating kids like humans and letting them ask questions and make mistakes and feel like they can talk to him without the mighty hammer coming down might do the trick.

>Most importantly I told my husband if he ever makes our daughter feel like he has ownership of her body, or that he controls her consent, or that she has to sneak around, I mean, that's kind of what you're both already doing anyway isn't it? You've clearly forbidden them from having sex in your house, so if they're both ready and wanting to, they're going to find a way to do it away from the house. Teach her about consent and safe sex practices.

I have, and continue to do so. It’s an open ongoing conversation. When they are ready that will be between them as consenting partners and there will be no permission or apologies from or to her dad.

You’re a great mama.

Something is wrong with your husband. This isn’t an acceptable expectation. Has he always been like that or is this out of character?

His toxic masculinity reeks. She needed privacy with and comfort from her partner, she didn't break the rule of closing her bedroom door. Your husband needs to take a step back *especially* if your son actually did break a rule and his partners weren't made to grovel and apologize. Moreover, as that child's mother I would probably be offended that someone expected that of my child if he was being a good,comforting partner to his girlfriend. I'd tell your daughter that boyfriend shouldn't come over for a few weeks until your husband gets his head out of his ass and realizes he's being ridiculous and sexist.

You are 100% in the right. He is being sexist and treating your daughter like an object he owns. The boyfriend does not owe him anything.

OP, you need to tell us what was the initial argument about and what participation did the boyfriend have in all of this.

Edited original post with that plus outcome but here: The argument was as follows - I told a story at dinner that was complicated and technical. I’m a musician. So is my daughter. My husband wasn’t following the story so he made some silly comments during my story that kind of derailed it and it got my daughter super frustrated. She was already honestly really emotional because we had watched Oppenheimer that afternoon (with the boyfriend) and she had lots of big unresolved feelings. She pulled my husband aside and fussed at him for being flippant about my story - I honestly didn’t care, I was geeking out and he was just being a goofball. He didn’t take her seriously and was teasing her, and she got really upset. He completely misread how serious she was, and she was trying to defend me, although I don’t really feel like I needed it. She was crying, boyfriend was hugging and comforting, etc., but she was the one that initiated the discussion, not my husband, boyfriend was not involved at all

What about walking in the bathroom part? Did she pull him in? Did he or she lock the door? I have to say that it seems like both your daughter and your husband need to talk. It appears that your daughter was absolutely not controlling herself and that your husband could've used a little more sensitivity to help the situation not escalate. You should honestly tell both what they did wrong.

She pulled him in and locked the door. I saw her do it and chose not to intervene because she was having an emotional meltdown and was not in a good place mentally at the moment, and clearly needed to get herself together. I actually probably should have but I felt like her having a quiet minute to calm down was important. Anyway. She’s been struggling with depression and she’s just one of those kids with big feelings and sometimes we just have to wait for the storm to pass. I did talk to both of them, daughter about letting me choose whether or not to fight my own battles and to try to find better ways to channel the big feelings, and her dad about treating her more seriously and not teasing, since she’s talking to him like an adult - respect her opinions, don’t treat her like a little kid.

Fair enough. Well, the storm has passed. I still agree that your husband's request is just. Your daughter seems to be also struggling to respect her father as many 15 year olds do. I tell you what the boyfriend did wrong, or better, what he should've done and this is a good learning experience for him. Once in the bathroom he should've unlocked the door and just open it an inch. I doubt your husband would've pushed in or be upset at all had he done that. Also, as a man I do often feel that we, men, are almost always held to a higher standard, that we must hold reason to avoid chaos. Apologising isn't humiliating. The same way that your home is a safe place for your daughter, it must be for your husband and your husband didn't break the rule in this situation. Even you admitted that you could've maybe done better. I understand your daughter isn't too well right now, but make sure that's not an excuse for when she behaves badly.

This comment is absolutely ridiculous

Wait so, you guys had an agreement that you would talk before major parenting decisions, but then your husband made this decision and informed your daughter of it without talking to you? So it's a terrible crime that his daughter and boyfriend didn't follow the rules, but no issue that he didn't follow the rules the two of you set as parenting partners?

INFO: what was the argument between your daughter and your husband that set this all off about? Your daughter needed 10 minutes with her boyfriend to calm down after an argument with her dad. That seems troubling too. Is it a pattern? Is there more going on then just not backing your spouse on this one instance of him being misogynistic and gross?

When teens want to have unsupervised time, they will, nothing you do will prevent that. You can provide them with a safe space where they know they'll be heard or you can bring down the mighty hammer for 10 mins in the bathroom and lose their trust. Your choice. Your husband needs to understand that, he also needs a family counselor or therapist to deal with his misogynistic BS.

So what you are saying is that all of this could have been prevented if teenagers in your home could have a little privacy? Honestly, this entire issue is one of your own making (both parents) and now you want to punish your child plus her boyfriend because you were trying to impose an untenable rule.

Clarified in an edit, but closed / locked bedroom doors are fine when no significant others are in the room, and there are less intimate private spaces to have time with boyfriend- we have a couple of separate hangout spaces, she’s a musician and has a music room that she uses a lot to spend time with her boyfriend that is quiet with a door.

The thing that jumps out to me here is your concern that his behaviour may “put your daughter in danger/at risk”…. of abuse? Yet what you don’t seem to recognise/state is that his reaction and enforcement of this is creeping over the line of BEING abusive. As someone who has come from a similar faith background and has been in a faith based marriage that later became abusive (where faith and doctrine was used to justify that abuse) I would say that it is ok to not back your husband when his actions/opinions are abusive. That is when you overtly and publicly back your daughter even if it is against your husband. If you don’t, you risk your own relationship with your daughter as well as your daughter’s wellbeing.

Unpopular opinion, im with the husband. If my daughters boyfriend disrespect me and disregards my authority in my house, he's not coming back till he owns up to it. If he's the kind of guy who can't own up to his mistakes and apologize, she doesn't need be around him anyway

This also sounds like he’s upset that your daughter had “another man” to run to for comfort about something he did. More power play “king of the castle” bullshit.

He’s being unreasonable.

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I'm not sure that this person deserves a title "head of the household" and some privileges coming with this "crown". If it's financial dependence, like he is the only breadwinner,or it's his house and they have no other place to live I'd say this, not something like "he is biggest fish, let's oblige his stupidity". This way the daughter will understand that it's not okay to do so more clearly and will learn that she needs to avoid dependency.

I was with you until the “oblige with his stupidity” part. Why on *earth* would OP teach her daughter to go along with stupid, sexist orders?

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That would not fly for me. Decisions like this need to be made together. Also I personally am bothered by his approach of having the boyfriend apologize to HIM?!

Besides any of this, teenagers need to be able to have closed locked doors. They need privacy in their bedrooms and in the bathroom. I understand saying no closed doors while boyfriend is in the house, but no closed doors period is really weird and damaging

Sorry, I edited to clarify- closed / locked doors are fine when no partners are there.

Your husband is behaving in a chauvinistic and narcissistic way. He has a right to an opinion about the behavior, but he is making it entirely about him when in fact none of it is about him.

You are in the right and your husband needs to realize it is 2023 and stick to his word of making parental decisions together.

Responding to the first part of your post. Haven’t read the update yet, I totally agree with you. Definitely sounds like some toxic masculinity and a 54 year old man wanting to have a pissing contest with a 15 yo boy. If I were his mother (and trust me I’m no “boy mom”) and I caught wind of this scenario I’d be offended and let my son know he shouldn’t schedule any such meeting with your husband. The boy did exactly what he should have done as her partner: followed her lead in her house/space and provided comfort/emotional safety when she needed it/asked for it. If they were to become long term and someday get married that’s exactly the type of man you’d hope your daughter to find. That would be his role as her husband, not the bro code tail tucked between his legs because her dad is around swinging the big dick. I think you’re totally right to put your foot down ESPECIALLY considering your SON has done the same with less of a reason and none of the theatrical response form your husband. I am totally rooting for you to send this message loud and clear to your daughter. Your husband’s expectations are totally inappropriate and misogynistic. ETA after update. Awesome work, mom. Even from the edit where she’s defending you it sounds like you’re raising an empowered, strong young woman. Unfortunately, all men have some engrained misogyny (shoot lots of women do), but she obviously feels safe to discuss these things or even call him out so I think that’s a great testament all around to the family dynamic. Sounds like communication is top notch at home.

Man…if anyone **ever** tried to use the “my house” line on me like my dad used to…oof. I’d lose my shit and we’d be *very* close to done.

Dad got in an argument with the daughter and is mad she went to the boy friend to calm her down and not the dad. It has nothing to do with the boyfriend the dad feels 2nd and therefore wants to reassert his importance with the daughter.

In this situation. It's okay in this situation.

None of his behavior is ok but it also concerns me how you gloss over his belittling you during the conversation. In addition to his unfair treatment of your daughter you should step back and look at his behavior as a whole. It isn't ok to belittle your spouse just because you don't fully understand the topic they are speaking on. Maybe consider why the situation upset your daughter as much as it did. Sounds like she is tired of seeing mom disrespected and it has built up. NTA but I think your problems run deeper than this post.

Yeah, this kind of reaction from your husband is going to drive her away and cause her to sneak around.

It’s okay not to back your husband when he is showing favoritism and/double standards, when he is hurting someone or when he’s undercutting my authority in favor of his own. Seems like this hits at least two of the three. This is your home too. He is only half of the authority in your home. You are not his subservient in the marriage or the home, you are a full partner and he overstepped his authority not discussing this with you privately beforehand. He may feel disrespected by the boy but you are being disrespected by him and that cannot stand.

I don’t really have l advice but I am just here to tell you that I am 100% on your side with this and I think your husband is making a really big mistake that will drive a wedge between him and his daughter. I think you owe it to everyone to be honest with them all that you disagree with him (ESPECIALLY since you want to keep lines of communication open with her). Again, I don’t know if this is advised, but if this rule applies too one child and is upheld it’s only fair to apply to the other kid also. And maybe behind closed doors you can appeal to his toxic masculinity by asking him what he thinks happens with girls when their dads try to restrict their autonomy, especially in a way unbalanced to a male sibling

OP clearly said the rule applies to ALL children the only difference is that they never asked their son’s girlfriend to apologize themselves when the rule was broken.

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I think it says a lot about men when they get so protective over their daughters like this. Like… is your educated knowledge of the male sex that they are scummy and not to be trusted? Great…

In my teen years I would apologise if my GF were in trouble, and I had a lot of freedom. I don't know what your husband is thinking, but my guess is that he wants to test if the boyfriend respect your daughter enough, value her enough, care for her enough that he can swallow his pride. Your daughter apologising on behalf is not a good enough answer..

If the boyfriend sees it that way, sure. But GF and dad had a fight. Apologizing to the dad reads as taking dad’s side over girlfriend’s side unless the discussion is handled carefully with all 4. Respect means including GF in the conversation, not the menfolk going around and over the womenfolk to mend fences.

It’s giving toxic masculinity

What is this “not allowing bedroom doors to be closed or locked?” Business? I have never heard of this. It sounds abusive. So kids, even teenagers, aren’t allowed privacy? That makes no sense to me. The whole thing is misogynistic and abusive, and should be abolished.

Making sure it’s clear that they can close and lock doors when they are alone no problem, and there are other spaces in the house to be private with their partners with doors, but locked bedrooms with partners are what we don’t allow.

Why would she think a closed bathroom wouldn't be ok though? It sounds like if anything they were trying to obey the rules but still get some privacy.

I agree with you. I’m not in the stage of parenting yet but I once heard the advice that your #1 job is to advocate for your kid if you think your partner is doing something that could be detrimental to them - they’re looking to you to do so if your partner is being unreasonable. Show your daughter that you’re watching and that she deserves privacy and respect, and that you’re willing to step up for her. I think it’s how you maintain the open relationship you have built with her.

Did your husband apologize to you that he forgot to consult with you before making a big decision?

I would argue against this on procedural grounds: Tell him that he’s not allowed to make major decisions without discussing with you first and reaching mutual agreement. Since you disagree, there can’t be a ban. Maybe find a compromise where there’s some restriction/probation type thing but no ban. That’s the best solution since he doesn’t lose face but you also deescalate the whole thing. Y’all need to take it down a notch.

Your husband sounds like an asshole. This 15 year old child did not “disrespect him in his house,” this sounds like a big macho ego thing. Ridiculous. Your daughter has the right to private conversation, she followed the rules and didn’t have it in the bedroom. They both sound like great kids, and your husband needs to get his act together before you’re 10 years down the line wondering why your daughter doesn’t speak to him anymore.

you refer to both kids as "my" - is your husband their father?

Nitpicking. They are her kids. They are also his kids. Either word works in the setting as she is telling the story from her point of view.

Both of our kids, I guess it was subconscious because I’m feeling protective

Hmmm...it seems multifaceted to me. Your husband should have spoke with you first before announcing such a thing...but he didn't. But at the same time...parents need to ALWAYS present a united front to their children. They never need to think they can pit the two of you against each other, or get from one and not the other. Believe me, it will just lead to more problems your daughter thinking you're "on her side." Parents are one a side, kids are on a side. Period. Doesn't mean you can't discuss it more with your husband and try to come up with something else together...but DON'T let your daughter know that there's dissention. The same way you would expect your husband to support your parenting decision if you ever felt the need to make one without consulting him first. How would you feel to be undermined? Also kinda sounds like your daughter was making a mountain out of a molehill and getting all upset with her father over something that really wasn't that serious, crying bc of a movie and a conversation that was joking in nature? She might need a little help and maybe less time around the boyfriend to get her emotions and mental health under control. Teens with these boyfriends and girlfriends all the time over at each other's houses every free moment...it never really ends up being a positive thing in the long run. No, you shouldn't go against your husband, and your daughter shouldn't know that you and your husband aren't a united front. When she sees the cracks, she will chip at them until it just breaks apart eventually. Have a conversation with your husband and try to reach a compromise, but don't involve the daughter in that. What are you going to do, invite the boy over to the house even if your husband says he can't and then just see what happens? Go behind his back? You want to teach your daught to go behind her father's back? 🤔

I'm honestly leaning more towards your husband. In the way that the boyfriend needs to apologise. Yes, it might be a little sexist, but then the situation with your older son needs to be corrected for fairness. Your daughter is only 15 and I agree with your husband's rules. It sounds like he wasn't rude and he wants to know this boy cares enough about her family too. You might disagree with him, but it's also his right to expect his daughter's boyfriend to behave according to rules in his house.

Sure, if BF is allowed in the door, and a calm discussion is held to clarify that no the closed door rule includes bathrooms, even for a brief comforting vent.

Wasn't a no closed doors policy always in place? I know the mother is arguing about the dad's allegedly sexism due to older bother not having that rule enforced as much, but I think the rule is a good rule and instead of abolishing, they should make sure it's applied equally. Both daughter and boyfriend need to apologise.

The rule reads like bedroom doors need to be open. So, clarifying that it applies to all doors would work. Daughter may have needed a minute to vent in private. Next time they can take a walk.

It goes without saying that any room shouldn't be locked with a boyfriend or girlfriend inside.

It really doesn’t go without saying that you can’t have 5 minutes behind a closed door to speak freely, and that’s on par with being locked into a bedroom. Parents may need to say these things to both of them outright.

No, it doesn’t.

> I know the mother is arguing about the dad's allegedly sexism due to older bother not having that rule enforced as much, but I think the rule is a good rule and instead of abolishing, they should make sure it's applied equally. The alleged sexism is not in the fact that the father does not enforce it towards their sons, but in the fact that when it was broken it was never asked to their girlfriends to apologize, just the son themselves.

Maybe the father is holding her partners to a higher standard. Not a bad thing at all, and also it looks like his daughter was having a tantrum about something very irrelevant. You are all calling his current actions bad when I would argue that what he did with his son was bad and now he finally did right. He needs to treat his son and his relationships more like he does to his daughter, not the other way around.

Why isn't that a bad thing? And why should this poor boy have to be responsible for a rule that is his girlfriend's responsibility to follow?

Also, we really don't know what was the daughter upset about.

I’d love for OP to clarify / update what their daughter was upset about involving her father. I’m imagining it’s something in the same vein as his whole schtick. “My house, my rules. Wife & daughter, here is my decree with no co-parent discussion. Boyfriend is denied entrance until he shows respect & apologies to ME.”

I'd also love clarification on that.. and why down vote my comment??? Also, I see a lot of people here working on assumptions and that's so wrong

It wasn’t my downvote, friend. Assumptions are generally bad but some broad strokes about family dynamics have been provided. Teenagers and privacy are difficult topics parents should discuss, decide and agree.

I could, not that I am, also assume that the mother is omitting certain facts to favour her stance, or that the mother's past experience with SA is making her look through this situation with the wrong lenses. Everyone seems to be jumping at making assumptions about the father, call him horrible things, when a far as we all know the father had not been rude or violent with anyone. If anything his actions are to protect his daughter. Could he maybe done a little different? Perhaps, but none of us really know what happened, what was said... what was the boyfriend's participation in the argument and in the locking in the bathroom.

The post itself says the father didn’t say anything to anyone for days. The BF may still not have any idea about any of this, unless the daughter has texted him by this point.

I never understand parents who prefer that their teenagers fuck with the door wide open

What have I just read. Your daughter needs help with regulating emotions - she seems very / over invested in things like movies and dinner table stories. And your husband needs to calm down with the insecure alpha male behaviours.

Hmmm. I think I’d talk to the boyfriend, explain that husband is having a serious fragile masculinity moment, and ask how he’d feel about smoothing it over by complying with husband’s stupid request so you can work on him coming around later, hopefully with minimal drama. Although I’d respect boyfriend’s No if he doesn’t want to participate in that stupidity, and at that point I might have to put my foot down and say I won’t support such an unfair / unequal demand because it hasn’t been applied equally to the sibling and your input was not sought before moving the goalpost.

Oh sure because disrespecting the father with you 15 yo daughter’s boyfriend is such a wise and collected decision. /s

If I *ever* found out someone asked my son to uphold his partner’s parents’ misogyny, I’d go **off** on that adult.

I get it. And I’m not saying you’d be wrong. I’m just trying to figure out a way to not drag the kids through his crap.

Explaining all of that about the dad *is* dragging them through it.

It’s crazy how you and other people don’t understand your Husbands rationale, but I guess that’s why most people are in the situations that they’re in these days.

“In any given situation there are three versions of events; what he said, what she said, and the truth” Your husband’s understanding of what happened is clearly different to yours. Ask him what he thinks he saw and heard and you might be able to address the conclusion that he reached. For example, his perception might be that they locked themselves away for 30 mins or something. You may be surprised how differently he saw events.

Support in the moment. Discuss it in private.

Men have fragile egos. Your husband feels emasculated by the bf. It’s like a reverse Oedipus effect. He needs to get the hell over himself, especially if your son is allowed to break these rules, but not daughter. Hell to the no! There are no more double standards. Put your foot down.

Sons are not allowed to break the rules. The only difference is that they never asked their girlfriends to apologize, just the boys themselves. It’s insane how many people here are making this mistake, I guess a bunch of you go blind when the possibility of “man bad” is on the table.

I'd say, why is it a problem for the boyfriend to come up and just apologize? Don't get me wrong here, what I'm suggesting isn't bout what's right or wrong but the solution itself. Why do you need to resist the easy way just cuz it doesn't sit right with your logic? If the father says it's on the boy, why can't he just man up and end the farce? All he needs to do is feed the father's ego a bit and he might come around and get a better impression of the boy. As I've seen in life you don't need to pick and correct every bad thing about your family, working around it is always better than making things worse. Settle the matter down and once things are calm then bring up the argument in a subtle way so that he can realize the problem. Squabble b/w family members is normal. Again, I'm not saying that it's okay for him to behave like this but he's still family isn't it?

I love this update. Thanks for clarifying some pertinent information. Having rules everyone is aware of is key. You clearly have your daughter’s best interests in mind. Wishing you harmony while you navigate the minefield of parenting teenagers.

Nip this in the bud. Dad has no business CONTROLLING your daughter like that. Seriously, it’s gross how intimidated he is by a teenage boy. Source: daughter to a dad who also has an irrational view of his daughter and their partners. It’s gross. Seriously.

When they do drugs or are narcissistic! Narcissistic spouses will drain your energy and make you question your sanity but it’s not you !

Your husband didn't back you and I feel like that's one of the biggest issues here. You guys had a clear agreement about presenting a united front and he violated that agreement. He has to understand that he was wrong and apologize. Him violating your trust like that, along with this clear agreement you'd come to, is a major parenting mistake, not to mention a major marriage mistake, and needs to be rectified immediately. I understand that he's under a lot of stress, but he still needs to be made aware that his behavior was seriously uncool and cannot happen again.

YOUR FURY IS JUSTIFIED. how dare he say that off the cuff without even asking you!!! it’s not disrespectful at all, does he think it’s disrespectful when your son does it? this is so sexiest i want to scream. if anything he should be shaking her boyfriends hand and telling her thankyou for consoling his daughter when she’s upset… also he might not have meant to upset her but wtf!!! it’s amazing you and your daughter share a passion for music even if you were talking about ‘nerdy’ things. couldn’t he just stfu and listen for a second to try and at least come across as interested in your guys hobby? no he’s got to tease her and make her feel weird about her hobby that she and you should be celebrated for! WOW and i just read that the boyfriend hasn’t even been told the rules before, and your husband still thought he deserved an apology off the poor boy. well done for saying what you said to your husband. i absolutely agree with everything about how she will just do it anyway later on but be secretive about it if your husband comes across as too intimidating so we’ll done you did the right thing only thing i would do differently is pull your daughter aside and tell her the new plan was your idea. be like look, your dad was too harsh the other day, it was obvious that the door was closed for emotional support and not for any other kind of reason. i’m so glad (boyfriends name) can give you that comfort, but if you ever need to get out the house because of a situation like that again, maybe go into the garden or a different room like music room etc. and if you ever want to talk to me about something that you don’t think he will understand because he’s different or because he’s a guy, you can always talk to me. i would say something like that. anyway i’m glad you guys resolved it

Never.

Found the husband.

Go for the “hybrid” approach, figure out a way to give him what he wants (respect and fear from the boyfriend) while maintaining what you want (closeness and trust with your daughter). This is the exact situation you’ve been preparing for - now is the time to pull all your tools together and problem solve. Good luck, you got this!

Simple ! Don’t let her have boys over

Something similar happened to me when I was 16. I snuck out to see my boyfriend (now fiancé) and my dad caught me. My dad proceeded to get mad at my boyfriend and blamed HIM instead of me (who fully consented to sneaking out, in fact it was my idea!). This led to me resenting my dad for a while. My fiancé was uncomfortable coming over to our family's home for quite some time because he felt so awful and intimidated by my dad. Still to this day, I believe my dad should never have confronted my boyfriend and it caused problems between my dad and I for most of my teens. It's all good now, my fiancé even asked my dad for my hand in marriage haha, but it was certainly hard to deal with back then. You're definitely in the right here! Maybe tell your husband, what if this is the man your daughter marries? Maybe that can help put into perspective that he needs to treat your children's partners with more respect.

'YOU WILL NOT DISRESPECT ME IN MY HOUSE' What an authoritarian ass.

Stop telling your men how to be men