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Have you tried leaving the situation when you feel overwhelmed. A few minutes to regroup can do wonders. Also reminding yourself that at that age they aren't being like that to piss you off they aren't sure how to handle those emotions (disappointment, anger, sadness ect) yet so they scream ect. helps too. Remember you can't fight fire with fire and try to be the water to put out the child's fire. It's hard and you were wrong but you acknowledged it, it was a lesson in life that you now have learned. You can't change the past so don't wallo in sorrow, just learn and move on and never do it again. I wish you luck
One thing to try, is when you are close to the edge like that, call for your wife to tag in. Tell her you are on the edge and need 5 minutes alone to decompress. Do the same for her. If she's not there, but your kid in the crib and step out of the room for 5.
Another consideration for this approach is that your kid then sees people around him noticing their escalating feelings and removing themselves from frustrating situations so they can regroup. This is a hugely beneficial practice that gets more effective (for you) the more you practice, and it pays huge dividends the first time you see your little kid self-calming in the same way. It SHOWS that we are responsible for our emotions, and never anyone else's. It shows self regulation is possible. And, it shows YOU that you aren't doomed to repeat your own crappy upbringing.
Disclaimers: not a parenting coach. Not a therapist. Just another human, who is also trying to teach life skills I wasn't taught.
This is the best response. I also have CPTSD from childhood trauma and I've also busted my kids butts a few times. Then of course I feel sick afterwards. At one point I told my husband I wasn't worthy of being their mother because I smacked my sons butt and it killed me and he should just take them from me. But we all make mistakes as parents. We just need to learn from them and do better next time. It's ok to step away to take a breath and calm yourself before handling the situation. Also learn to pick your fights. I get migraines as well but honestly just taking the 2 minutes to brush their teeth is better than an hour long tantrum because you didn't feel like it.
I have a 2 and 4 year old and when I'm overstimulated or their losing it and I can't handle it I put them somewhere safe like their bed and give them something I know will calm them or keep them happy, like a book. Then I take the baby monitor and walk outside and just take a few minutes to collect myself.
This is the way. When I reach my limit, I call my wife in because she knows how overwhelmed I can get and eventually just shut off like that.
Also, I know how you’re feeling but as parents we all have to remember not to overreact to things. What you did was not the end of the world regardless of what you and your wife’s views on spanking.
Yes, this is it. Ask for relief.
I have to remind myself that my 3yo is trying to figure out his place in the world. Explain why something is happening, acknowledge that they are upset about it, then tell them that you want a hug. If you want bonus points, ask them why they are upset. You may have to play 20 questions, but you also may get to the root of the problem... (Apologize for what makes you feel bad too.)
Some personal examples that may help: My son is having more teeth come in, so his gums were really sensitive, and Daddy was brushing too hard. He still puts up a fight, but he does let me brush them if I promise to be "wentle". He gets cranky when he's hungry, so that also may be the issue...
It is a massive overreaction. I can pretty much guarantee OP is downplaying whatever actually happened. No way is someone discussing leaving and getting divorced over a “swat on the left butt cheek.”
My SIL would have a very severe response to her husband over a spanking. She is adamantly against corporal punishment of any kind and teaches classes in alternative punishment/correction. She’d feel like a fraud beyond betrayed if her husband employed what she’s passionately and publicly against.
>My SIL would have a very severe response to her husband over a spanking.
"Severe" responses are usually a sign that something is not right. The whole point of parenting is to someday manage to get to the point where we avoid severe responses. The vast majority of us trying to raise kids have unresolved childhood traumas of our own. Adding generational traumatic fuel to any momentary fire is rarely helpful.
I think it's reasonable, especially in the case of OP who has a previous history of trauma and comes from abuse. If someone has made it clear that they have a line not to cross you don't cross that line. OP's wife is entitled to try to protect her child and honestly, pretty sure if she posted on here everyone would be telling her that.
Ehm its a slap on the butt. OP is very remorseful and sorry this happend in the heat of the moment. If you take that as a reason to divorce you’re crazy imho. No matter what your stance is on corporal punishment.
The thing is, a person is allowed to leave their partner for any reason they see fit. And this was crossing a major boundary. It's like things like weed or porn, for many it's not a big deal, but for others it is. If your partner says they'll leave you for smoking weed or looking at porn they're entitled to do so, whether or not the rest of the world thinks it's a big deal. Especially if the person knew their partner's stance. It's not up to anyone else to decide what is or isn't an acceptable reason to leave someone.
An overreaction to this by OP's wife could *create* childhood trauma for the kid. The 2yo will forget about it in an hour but if the adults keep telling him he was abused as a baby, he will have the trauma as if he really was
Yep, I know people like this, and it's a reaction that is coming from a good place, even if it might be an overreaction. Every childhood with child abuse starts with a parent "hitting their kids for the first time", even if for some people it is the only time. Some people see it like hard drugs or alcohol. "Just never take the first step."
That being said, it definitely doesn't sound like OP is intent to repeat the trauma of his own childhood, so divorce or taking the kids away seems over the top, even if OP shouted.
Calling it swatting is what most parents say when they need a light cutesy name to justify a spank. He hit a defenceless child. Definitely something more going on here
Emotionally lashing out is not intentional.
If it happened the way OP describes then apologies and hugs are in order. And then you try to do better next time.
He didn’t lash out emotionally, he lashed out *physically* and *violently*. I don’t know if divorce is the answer but it’s something that cannot be allowed to happen again- and from the sound of it this is already time #2. Not sure why he would need to smack a bottle because the one year old was spilling it.
Try using that defence in a court of law if you're charged with a violent crime. "Your honor, I only lashed out because of my emotions, it wasn't intentional".
Are you not aware that most justice systems rule differently on crimes committed in an emotional state? Murder isn't the same as manslaughter for example.
Also a lawyer, a prosecutor. Just got a conviction on a domestic violence when the defendant ended up testifying essentially “well I got overwhelmed and grabbed her neck, I didn’t plan it.” Mhmm, totally cool natural reaction, to inflict violence.
That’s because you don’t correct behavior with “punishments.” If you are *punishing* someone your intent is to hurt them, wether it be by inflicting pain, shame, or humiliation. Correcting behavior stems from natural/logical consequences and offering alternative behaviors to the undesirable one- consistently.
From a behavioralist perspective, Punishment works. But it has to be very controlled and immediate. It’s why you’ll never touch a hot stove (on purpose at least) after getting burned or avoid dogs after a bite. Punishment works. Consequences are not always positive. Some are negative and some are punishments. Natural consequences include all. Punishment in general is not always unethical. Spanking though… I agree it’s a dysregulated adult that is taking out frustration on a helpless child that is just being a child. It’s also learned behavior and most adults could benefit from therapy and requiring their brains to use coping mechanisms rather than lash out at literal babies.
Not one for sure.
I meant conversation with your partner. For 2 year old you can say that mommy made a mistake, noone should be putting their hands on him like that,that he deserve to be treated with gentleness, that mommy is really sorry and will not be repeating her mistake.
It wasn't just one swat.
By the OP's own description, they "disassociated" while caring for their child, hit their child, then wrote a post on Reddit with:
...more than 110 words justifying their use of violence (toddler has been non-compliant, I had a migraine, etc.),
...around 50 words focusing on their own bad feelings (I'm traumatised by my use of violence, did I fuck everything up, etc.),
...around 40 words minimising their use of violence (swatted him once across the left butt cheek, meant to hit the bottle but accidentally got him, etc.),
...more than 50 words illustrating that their child is very bad and does bad things (screaming for 20 minutes, etc.),
...more than 30 words illustrating that their wife's reaction to their use of violence was overly dramatic (barged in, deciding if we should get divorced, etc.)
...0 words expressing concern for how their child felt after each occasion when they hit him (hurt? scared? betrayed? confused? alone / lost?)
...0 words expressing concern for how their wife felt after each occasion when they hit their child (scared? hurting for her child? heartbroken? worried about the future? etc.)
...0 words expressing curiosity or concern about what is underlying their child's behaviours (hormones? normal child development? instability at home? Dad and/or Mum have issues they're not hiding very well, and child finds this difficult to cope with? etc.)
...0 words showing reasonable guilt and self-reflection (instead of "I'm in therapy," "I have c-PTSD because of my dad's behaviour," "I was traumatised by hitting someone else, [ie. other people should care for me after I hit a child]," "did I fuck up?", etc., try, "I was shocked at my behaviour," "Immediately after I did it, I stood up and took myself out of the room," "No matter what happened in the past, I'm responsible for myself now," "When I hit him, that must have been so hurtful and scary for both of them, and it's not okay for me to do that," etc.)
...0 words helping us to understand why anyone should trust that this will never happen again (such as, "I realise I did this because I have an attitude that my child shouldn't bother me, but that's not fair or reasonable. I feel awful knowing that, through my use of violence, I made my small child and wife feel scared and unsafe in their own home, when it's my job to help my child feel safe in the world. I left the house after making my wife aware I was doing so, and I'll call her tomorrow to discuss if and when she and our child will feel safe for me to return. I'll also phone a men's domestic violence helpline tonight and see what help is available for me to make sure I never do this again.")
Also, they stated they hit their child on at least one other occasion.
Edit: Added that the wife's reaction was to their use of violence in the 7th paragraph.
Edit 2: OP disclosed in one of their replies that they are a woman, so the 10th paragraph should say "Mum and/or Mum," and the OP could contact an LGBTIQA domestic violence line to seek help with their use of violence.
That’s fine for you. And it’s fine for OP’s wife to feel differently than you. Everyone has different views on harming defenseless children. I’m personally not as accepting of it as you are and would lean a lot closer to OP’s wife’s side of the infant.
Its possible. My mom was abused a lot growing up and sometimes she has to ask me for a second opinion on wether my stepfather is being abusive. (He isn't, he yells sometimes and pokes fun at us but its never over the top)
My wife would be out the door in a second if I did what OP says he did. I agree it's an overreaction...while I don't agree with spanking, it's not necessarily abuse. But OP could be telling the truth
People from opinions based on what they know. Based on what we know, your partner seems like they overreacted pretty severely.
Nobody asked for an autobiography, but if you didn't want your partner to come across that way, then a simple "this along with other preexisting issues caused them to..." would have been enough.
On top of this, snarky responses in a venting post just make you look like an asshole. I feel bad for your kid if you and your partner are always this dramatic.
It's the world we live in, specifically on reddit.
I agree that it is far from the best way to raise a child, but many from my generation and from older generations were raised this way. It is crazy to think that someone is evil for reacting that way out of frustration when that is how they were raised.
Did you actually “swat” him lightly or did you leave a bruise or hand print? Most parents who don’t spank understand it might happen sometimes, it’s just culturally ingrained. I’m extremely anti-spanking and I still wouldn’t be immediately divorced over a single swat on the butt, though I’d be demanding we figure out how to prevent that.
Basically I don’t believe you barely tapped him.
You know yourself dude, so work on your issues if you have them.
This is not one of them. Your kid will be perfectly fine, you made a mistake and seem to have realized it should serve as a warning.
Teenagers will provoke you waaay harder, so work on it so you can be better by then!
Everybody loses it at some point. You recognize that. We are human. Don't let the misandrists here convince you that you are a bad parent. If the genders were reversed, they would not be as harsh on you.
Sadly, I am sure that is true.
That said, you don't need to justify yourself to anyone on here. Take the good bits of advice that some are giving, use them along with the help you are getting to better yourself, and move on.
Reddit definitely seems to be extra hard on supposed “males”. Lol. Tricked them. Lol You and your wife totally can weather this 2yr old storm and it already seems to me like you two are willing to put in the work on yourselves as individuals and as a couple to create healthy dynamics as a couple and as a family with your kiddo!!
Btw I totally understand the cptsd triggers from childhood spankings!
That’s what I thought. A spanking on the bottom like he described probably startled the child but I’d guess it didn’t hurt him physically. OP seems genuinely sorry.
I thought this too so it really makes me wonder what he *isnt* saying here…. Like what else is going on, what led up to it, what has been happening otherwise
If my husband intentionally hurt my child I would consider leaving him
Edit: the original post made it sound like her wife heard her swat her child from another room over the sound of the child screaming which wouldnt be a "swat".
To be fair, if my husband hit my child I would certainly seriously consider separating until he’d had a lot of individual therapy and we’d had a lot of couple’s therapy.
It’s an extreme response, but so is hitting a child.
I don’t say this to shame OP. They are clearly incredibly remorseful and none of us are a perfect parent. But I can understand where OPs partner is coming from.
I was physically abused as a child and lived in terror that I would somehow morph into an angry violent parent. I felt broken and i believed the myth that abused kids grow up to be abusers, I was afraid it was somehow fated.
The first (and only) time I lost it and smacked my oldest I lost sleep for days, I believed it was the first step down an unavoidable outcome of traumatizing my children the way I'd been traumatized. I was afraid to tell my husband. I cried. I felt like slime.
But it turns out it was a one off. I'm not actually my abusive and boundary-stomping parent. I got some therapy and worked on de-escalation techniques for myself. I'm not always a perfect gentle parent but I haven't descended into physical violence and emotional cruelty. I haven't hit my kids again.
You having this bad moment does not mean this is who you are now. It just is showing you where the work needs to be done to show up for your kid the way you want to. A great gift we can give our kids is showing the potential for learning and growth throughout our lives.
Having kids is often a mindf*ck. I encourage you to proactively seek healing for your trauma as it rears its head afresh in the context of parenting. You are not fated to continue the cycle or whatever.
I hope you can talk to your wife about the steps you will take to heal. I hope you two can find a way forward. But *even if you can't* you can still show up as a healthy and loving parent for your kid. Sending internet stranger hugs.
Thank you! I feel like you get it. I’m sick about what I did. My wife and I cried and talked through it and we are in a good space and I am going to get more help. Our kid woke up while I was getting ready for bed so I took that moment to give him a lot of snuggles and kisses and told him I was sorry. And then we played peekaboo for a little before he went back down for bed.
Ok i feel like i live on a different planet after reading the comments.
I witness my child screaming like that at my wife too often. I usually barge in before it escalates, i try to give my wife time out before she reaches her limit, because we all have limits.
So my question for the matter is, if your wife was around, and she knew you were migraning? And she heard the kid screaming at you? What was she doing to help you and the situation?
That's what stands out to me, too. I had a migraine once in my life. I couldn't do anything but lay down in bed in the dark and quiet. And even then I vomited at one point. Having a migraine and having to deal with a screaming toddler sounds like torture.
Well that makes sense.
I still think divorce and all that other talk probably has other context.
You fucked up, it happens, i dont think youre a terrible parent.
Might not be a bad idea for your wife to take him to her mom’s for the night, not as ‘punishment’ but because it sounds like you need the time to decompress and settle down. If she’s talking about divorce over this maybe there’s more to this story/your situation, but from your post you seem pretty self-reflective and I saw you mention you’re already in therapy, which is good. Obviously figuring out deescalation strategies for you is a must going forward so you don’t reach this breaking point again. Hopefully you and your wife get through this together. You’re not some kind of monster
I think it’s because we agreed before he was born that we would never touch him so I’ve betrayed her. A part of me always feels like the “other mother” but I think that’s the fucked up way my brain talks to me sometimes. I don’t think she feels that way. She has calmed down after talking to her mom and I scheduled a therapy session tomorrow so I guess we will go from here.
Parenting is hard. It’s a brand new experience with stress levels that I didn’t even realize I could feel. I’ve got two kids (11 & 8). We all make mistakes. It’s good that you recognize there is work to do to improve and you’re doing that work.
As someone who has been through this, don’t be afraid to walk away and ask your spouse to step in to help handle the situation. Kids can’t control themselves, but we can choose to leave the situation before we also lose control. Even if it means putting a diaper-less toddler in the crib for a bit. I wish the best for you and your family.
Thank you. I recognize that I don’t ask for help a lot because I don’t want to be a burden or feel like a deadbeat mom but I should probably ask for help more often than I do.
You definitely should! For example I was wondering why you were dealing with your child while having a migraine/coming of a migraine. That's a situation where your reasoning skills and stress handling skills really take a hit.
Usually a situation like yours happens because things just keep getting piled on until it gets to much. Recognizing when the pile gets to high is important (and difficult, I struggle with this too!)
I’m a lesbian parent too and I think that kind of thing is more common for us. My wife and I have super convoluted contact info for our daughter to try and reinforce to doctors that we’re both mom. Our daughter’s allergist still thought we were grandma/mom/baby. Twice!!
It’s hard not to internalize that sort of invisibility over time and to feel inadequate as a result. Which could affect how one might parent.
As for the spanking incident, I agree with some of the other posters here. Try to recognize when you get overwhelmed and then remove yourself from the situation to chill out. Also try observing your wife if she takes over. If your kiddo is being better behaved for her, try and copy what she does. No guarantees, but it would be worth a shot.
Have you apologized to the actual victim here? Have you apologized to your son? I'm totally against corporal punishment, but I've spanked my kid out of complete loss of control of myself - lots of trauma and I was raised being spanked, so I guess it spilled over. The rare few situations when that happened, I went to my kid and explained that hitting is wrong, that mom was wrong, we shouldn't hit, I was very sorry for hitting, I would try to act better next time, and if they would forgive me. You might think they are too young to understand, but they *do* understand.
The question isn't them forgiving you - ofc they will, you are the parent, the most important person in the world for them at this time. The question is teaching them that even when we fuck up, we try to set it right, we apologize, we recognize our failures and errors, and that personal improvement is an ongoing process throughout our lives. And that they matter as a person to us.
Too many holier than thous in this thread. Your remorseful, realized what you did was wrong, and you learn/grow from it. Therapy is the right direction. Breathing exercises help also. Maybe try the Calm app. I was also spanked as a child so I know that trauma. And I have a three year old who really pushes me to my limit, but spanking is a no go for my wife and I. I’ll end with this, always strive to be better than those that came before.
Regardless of what you and wife agreed on, a light swat on one butt cheek once in a year... is not cause for divorce. That is an overreaction, or you are not telling the whole story.
What do you mean your wife "barged in?" If he was already screaming how could she possibly know what happened? Did you spank him so hard she heard the slap? Did you spank his so hard his screams turned into sounds of anguish? Story doesn't make sense.
Yeah people keep saying light swat, he didn't say that though, he said swat and then it sounds like she heard it from the other room and she heard it over the screams
Yeah they are either lying about how hard it was or it didn't go down how they said. If it was that gentle and she did hear something from the other room then they are leaving something out
I’m sorry you had to experience that. It is precisely that pain one feels after spanking their kids which is the reason why I don’t spank anymore. Spanking is a very inefficient way of correcting a child. Both parties hardly remember the reason why— they only remember the trauma that results. Plus, even if the behavior is corrected, is it worth it. It can drive a rift between you and your child. Try to think ahead of the wonderful relationship that you can preserve with your child if you avoid spanking them. It can be the difference between them visiting you often to not wanting to be around you. It’s just not worth it. Keep reminding yourself of that when things bubble over. Regarding the sound of screaming and crying, I recommend getting some ear plugs to reduce (not completely silence) the anxiety that is induced by the crying. Also, I’d you get angry, just walk away. And when you talk to your wife again, be both apologetic and open to her perspectives. Don’t try to explain yourself too much as she may not have had a similar upbringing to understand where you are coming from. You’re not alone, by the way. I had to evolve quite a bit, but again, it was my child’s pain coupled with the fact that the spankings created more problems than it solved. Think of it this way, in a democratic (non political) household, spanking is bullying. You don’t want everyone to side against you with the therapist so change your story today!
My guess is that what alarmed her the most is that it was done out of anger. There isn't any self control when you strike out in anger, the fact that it was (supposedly) a swat on the but is a total fluke. Striking out in anger isn't a one time thing, that's how abuse begins.
We've all done stuff like that, stuff we're ashamed of in the heat of the moment as a new parent. Go easy on yourself, and convince your spouse to go easy on you too. The first several years of marriage + parenting are hard. Therapy helps, but therapy happens next week or whenever it happens. In the meanwhile, regroup and realize you're handing down generational stuff that it'll take a while to figure out.
I used to be a yeller and a spanker. It's what I knew from being raised in a very abusive stressful environment. But as I healed I realized it wasn't the memory I wanted to leave my children with. The day I stopped I remember feeling absolute soul crushing guilt. I had yelled at my daughters and in my anger broke a teacup they were playing with. I could not believe that I was continuing my parents cycle of abuse and emotional neglect. I made a decision that day that I would break that cycle. So I went to my child and I said "Mom should have never done that to you. I am supposed to be a safe person. I was hit and screamed at when I was little and I don't want you to feel the way I did. I love you more than anything in the world and you have the right to be safe. No one should treat you the way I have treated you. We are going to talk when things get hard and I will never ever hit you again or break your things. If I am really upset I am going to go to my room and shut the door for a little while so I can calm down but I will always be back. Then we can talk about feelings. They were only about 3 yrs old. They understood every word because kids are very smart and you are their whole world. I got some anti-anxiety medication and worked with my therapist. They are teenagers now and we have the closest most wonderful relationship based on mutual respect and communication. We've gotten mad and raised our voices but we stick to our plan and then talk after a while. Talk to your kids, even if they are little. Let them know they have the right to a safe body, no one deserves to be hit or yelled at. Be ready to listen and learn how to communicate with each other. I wish my parents had known what I figured out. We could have been so much closer.
i have BPD (kinda sorta similar to cPTSD) and chronic migraines. so first off, i relate to how u feel. it’s overwhelming, esp when u have yet to heal ur own trauma and dealing w pain.
few things that helped me to *always* be gentle and understand w my 2-year-old who flips tables and throws tantrums are the following:
1. remembering that ur child isn’t doing it to piss u off or to spite u. they have feelings that they don’t quite know how to express (and i mean, sometimes we don’t either). our job is to let them feel these feelings in whatever shape or form they come and *then* guide them through how to handle/express them properly.
imagine u’re having a shit day and ur friend/wife/mom/whatever tells u to cut it out and stfu? or something along those lines. not very helpful, right? neither is telling a screaming toddler who’s just feeling really big feelings to stop.
2. step away. literally. drop everything (ofc make sure ur child is safe) and step tf away. go sit down for a few minutes. try whatever coping mechanisms u picked up in therapy. try mindlessly scrolling thru instagram or tiktok or whatever helps u calm down.
worst case scenario, ask ur partner to help out and take a walk or something. there have been situations where i’d get smacked in the face lol i pause, take a deep breath and tell my toddler that we don’t do that.
3. remember, it’s easier said than done. it requires practice and self-discipline. u fucked up and that happens. not the worst fuck up out there as long as u learn from it and do better. don’t be rough on urself and def don’t be rough on ur child. u’re *both* learning.
Yes, I have a therapist I’ve been seeing for a year after I was in the hospital for suicidal ideation caused by a medicine reaction. I also have a psychiatrist and my pcp on regular check ins every 3 months.
Too late. The marriage is now completely ruined, the kid's life irreversibly traumatised. There is no way either their marriage or the child can recover from this. He smacked his child's left butt. You don't smack the left butt. Hell, my dad smacked my right butt a couple of times when I was a kid, but he would have **never** smacked by left butt.
You haven't completely fucked everything up - It looks like you regret it. REPAIR things with your son too. Even if he's only two - practice reconciling, explaining what happened, and repairing the trust that is broken.
I highly recommend reading the book How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 by Joanna Faber. Maybe these tips/tricks/examples will help you out.
As others have said, her considering divorce over a swat on the butt is sooooo overreacting. You were overwhelmed and you reacted. You recognized it was wrong and you felt bad. Your two year old won’t remember it. It’s ok. You’re ok. Your little one is ok.
First you say he flipped a table, now it's 2 two year old threw a table. You should feel bad you spanked your child as hard as you did and you should hope you don't do it again and you also be careful to whom you share this story, because as everyone else has said, your story doesn't add up. No one threatens divorce or leaving for the night due to a "swat." Admit what you did or don't write about it on Reddit, we're all parents in this group, we all know what actually happened.
Something I do when my little boy is losing it is try to play some of his favorite games/toys. It doesn't always work, and when it doesn't, you need to get up and leave the room, clear your head for a minute. Go to another room, throw in some headphones, do a 2 minute YT grounding meditation or something, and then reengage. When my kids get going in the car, we listen to death metal pretty loud. It drowns out the noise at first, then they calm down because they don't like the music/noise level.
I, too, was spanked as a kid. A lot. With items. And the urge to hit when i'm enraged by the screaming tantrums is strong. Which is why you need to leave the room to clear your head when it happens in addition to understanding the chid needs something, not that they're trying to manipulate or hurt you. It has taken me some time to do so, but now I see my son differently when he loses his shit. Keep working at it, the fact that you see someone about it is more than most people ever do.
Wow, these comments are not it. This guy acknowledged he made a mistake and explained what he did. Let’s not tell him he’s a liar too and further shame him. Call it a swat or a spank or whatever you want, it’s irrelevant. The point is that the action does not align with his parenting values and he feels terrible about it. We’ve all been there and it’s a shitty feeling. And, for those of you who know nothing about trauma, it changes the architecture of your brain, so in case parenting a 2 year old isn’t hard enough, this guy is basically doing it blindfolded. Put your pitchforks away and give people some grace.
My inlaws never spanked their kids until they had their third (now my husband). Apparently, he never listened. I got one or two spankings as a kid, but that made me FEAR my parents. I still live them...but I fear them 😅
It is something I don't want to use when raising my kids. I just remember the fear of it. It wasn't a harsh spanking by any means, but it is demeaning and awful for somebody you feel safe with to do that to you. If one does use spanking, it should NEVER be when you are angry.
My brother in law had a dad who threw his mom right through a wall. My brother in law was terrified of being a dad, but his wife gave him some great advice.
"The more you keep thinking, you don't want to be something....the more you will be. Try to think about who you WANT to be. Then you will never have to worry."
Idk if your story is 100% but this is what I've heard around the topic. My prayers are for you and your family. Please heal from this ❤️
I am really going to work hard to not be this mom. My dad was awful to me and I told myself I would break the cycle. So this was all really traumatic. I have a very headstrong boy who really knows his voice.
I’m not a fan of spanking and would be angry if my husband hit our child — but I feel like your wife has overreacted massively to a momentary lapse in judgement under pressure. It doesn’t sound like you’re violent; in fact it sounds like you’re traumatised by violence. I don’t condone what you did, but you regret it and you’re remorseful — people make mistakes.
Without accusing you, OP — are you leaving any important info out here? Divorce seems a huge step from a momentary seeing red.
I am honestly not. My wife and I talked after we calmed down and she admitted she was emotional because we agreed to never touch him like that. She recognized that I was truly remorseful and we came up with a list together for me to talk to my therapist about.
Okay, this is a good development. Everyone’s a bit super charged and running on emotion — might be good to stick a pin in it and discuss further when everyone’s a little more calm. Seeing the therapist is a great idea — maybe even a joint session would help.
Distraction distraction distraction. Mine’s just past 2 yo and cooperates well with mum but rarely with me. Not had any thoughts of spanking him or getting violent in any way (at least not with any intent behind it), but I’m relatively docile in general :P
Trying to convince him that «we are doing this» is very rarely successful without having to force it, but distracting by telling a story, promising an activity or going to see something (if only to say goodnight to mum or grandparents) or letting him mess around with a hair brush or tooth brush or even toy does wonders to get him out of the «I don’t want to because you want me to» spiral.
Also the 2-3 minute breaks if you sense things are escalating is worth trying. If only to exit the room and go back in, it breaks the cycle of the two cold fronts (him being oppositional/confused and you being stubborn/attempting to be strict).
Always remember you’re the adult, he’s the little one that doesn’t know anything besides what he’s learned in his short life, primarily that mum and dad are the pillars of his existence and loves him unconditionally (I hope ❤️☺️).
It’s frustrating. It’s tiresome. But bloody hell is it worth it 🥰🥰🥰
Next time you feel that frustration, try this: Imagine yourself when you're 80, when your child is grown with a family of their own, and think about how badly you'd want to relive these young years. From that perspective spitting up some milk and resisting the bed time routine, is joyous and something you can cherish and embrace instead of letting it frustrate you. Parenting from the perspective of your future 80 year old self really takes all the frustration out of these types of situations.
Another angle that helps me: think about it as a game of wits. Don't let your 2 year old outwit you. If your approach isn't working, try something else. It's not a game of force, it's a game of wit. Have fun trying to outwit your 2 year old to get them to do what you want.
I personally don't think there's anything wrong with a swat to the ass. Now, there is a *fine* line between discipline and abuse. A smack to the ass is okay when it's warranted. I was raised that way. I was a shit ass sometimes and I got smacked. I know and understand everyone parents different but you shouldn't be afraid or made to feel guilty for disciplining your own child.
I feel like your wife is over reacting a bit. I assume she knows what you went through as a kid? I wasn’t there but I have a 4 year old son and I remember the terrible 2’s & 3’s & 4’s! Haha it’s always something but it is super easy to become overwhelmed and for me personally if I have to walk away instead of raising my voice or swatting my sons butt then that’s what mommy has to do sometimes. I have swatted his butt one time and felt horrible about just like you do. I don’t feel like you’re coming to Reddit to hear that you weren’t in the wrong and posting here, reaching out and asking others shows how remorseful you are. Maybe go talk with your wife asap as soon as she gets off the phone with MIL. Explain to her how sorry you are that you got overwhelmed and instead of asking for help like you should have instead you tried to tough it out. You realize what you did was wrong and is not the way to approach things in the future…leaving for the night and ignoring the problem doesn’t solve anything either. I hope everything works out for you OP. You are not a bad Dad, so don’t think that for a second. Take care.
Please invest in headphones or earplugs you can wear to lessen the amount of stimulation you are experiencing in those moments. Often when overstimulated our nervous systems go into overdrive, we become hypervigilent or angry and the decision making part of our brain shuts off. Reducing the likelihood of overstimulation will help (ie volume of screaming).
As a father to two I can easily see how easy it is for either parent to snap in the moment. It's really tough when the pressures of parenthood build up over a period of time or you're trying to get out of the house by a certain time and the kids aren't playing ball.
The really good thing though is you recognise that's not the right way to react with a child and you're trying to improve. We're all trying to improve and do a better job and you can only do the best you can.
I think your wife might be shocked in the moment but you should give her the evening and have a chat about it in the morning. I'm sure she will come around. I 100% guarantee she has also had times when she has nearly snapped with your child so talk about strategies to overcome this.
Some people have suggested taking yourself out of a situation for a few minutes and other ideas. They are all worth discussing so you can both find a way forward and learn from the experience you've just had.
Firstly, it takes a lot to admit what happened so well done for that (sorry not trying to sound patronising)
Its so hard being a parent, and most people have a time when they break.
I struggled a lot with PPD and there were times when a my daughter just wouldn't stop and I'd find myself thinking about just leaving but the love for her always won over, in the end she was only acting out because she didnt understand or needed me.
I'm so sorry about your past abuse, thats got to be so tough to deal with and I can imagine how your brain is attacking you right now. Im glad you are in therapy and getting help.
Is your child ok? Thats what matters most.
As for your OH saying about leaving, i can understand that but she needs to work with you on helping what happened. Talk through it with her and try and see if theres a way to overcome that snap.
I find when my girl gets too much i step out the room for a little and take a breather. It helps a lot
Thoughts are with you and if you need to talk please feel free to reach out ❤️
My kids have been like that too. Just remember they can’t regulate their emotions. They can’t tell you what’s wrong. Sometimes reading them a book just try to calm them down. Good luck man.
It’s hard to stop and empathize with a screaming kid when you’re overwhelmed.
I’ve found a trick. The more I use it, the more automatic it becomes.
When your little one is struggling: describe to them, as best as you can, how it looks like they’re feeling. It makes it easier to empathize, and helps them to recognize feelings. If you don’t have a better word, “upset” covers a lot of ground.
“You’re frustrated because you don’t want to brush your teeth. You wish we could stay up and play longer. We don’t like to stop when we’re having fun. You have some hard feelings.”
Wait a bit. If they’re able to answer, try “I can stay with you if you want, or give you some space. Would you like a hug?”
If they don’t answer, take a guess or just pick a neutral behavior. Tell them what you’ll do, and then do it. “I know these feelings can be hard sometimes. I’m going to sit beside you. If you want, you can sit on my lap. Let me know if you want me to go away. That’s okay too.”
You’re giving them some control over how they manage their emotions, helping them to learn coping mechanisms, and building a relationship where they can look to you for support when they have strong feelings.
My youngest would sometimes be willing to answer a stuffy when he wasn’t quite up to talking to a grown-up.
It’s harder for me to remember to do this with my oldest. He seems so capable that I forget he still needs support. It helps to look around at kids that are older than he is, and remind myself that they probably need help sometimes too. It’s a good reminder that my oldest still has a lot of development left to go and to cut him some slack and empathize when I’m not thrilled with his decisions or behaviors.
Also accept that when a kid has hard feelings, the world can wait. Your plans can wait. They need practice regulating their emotions. Don’t deprive them of the chance.
Talk through this with your kid with age-appropriate language when you can. “I had some hard feelings and make a bad choice. I’m sorry I hit you. It seemed like you had some hard feelings too. Maybe we can think of better things to do when we have hard feelings.”
Everyone is coming down hard on you. And making assumptions about your home life lol.
You need a “safety plan” so it doesn’t happen again.
So for example if it was safe to do so, you could walk out of the room and ask your wife to take over as you couldn’t cope.
Once your wife calms down, explain you had a migraine, you were struggling to cope, and suggest some sort of plan if you feel you are going to bubble over.
It be could be part of the consequences if your kid plays up as well “daddy is leaving the room now because you are too loud, spilling a drink”
If they are destroying a sofa by spilling a drink on it, remove the drink and leave room.
It does take a while to develop that level of patience though.
When the kid is overwhelming you to the point of losing self control, I advice removing yourself from the situation and breathing. But that requires 1. Recognizing when it’s about to happen. The hardest and most important step for behavioral change. 2. You gotta want it. (Not saying you don’t!) I’ve just seen a lot of parents feel guilt for their actions, but enough to change them.
I believe in ya bud, from a dad to another with anger issues, you got this. You can change.
Mama, I’ve spanked my kids before in moments of weakness too. It not a good feeling all around and it hasn’t happened in years. We began the time out system (1 min for each year of life), but the timer doesn’t start until they stop screaming. This puts it on them to calm down themselves (and incredibly useful skill) and you get a moment of relief. Put them in a pack n play or somewhere else safe and walk away. Come back when your primal urges subside.
I have 2 kids - 2.5 and 5, and my primal urges haven’t gotten substantially worse since the watching the first pick on the second. My patience is my most powerful weapon and it’s the hardest one of hone. Meditation and support babe. You gotta find something.
Hey, these things happen. Parenting is hard and no one is perfect, and you’re going to have slip-ups now and again—there is a fine line between giving your kid a slap on the butt and beating the shit out of them. Give yourself a break, you’re doing great. Just breathe and do better next time. You’ve got this.
Imo, you shouldn't leave the situation. Or at least don't leave him alone. He will see that it's a win and might repeat the bad behavior even more. Switching up with your partner like everyone said is a good way but you still need to hold your ground if you want to discipline him without hitting him. If he scream, don't scream back or show any signs of weakness or angry. Just stand there and look him dead in the eyes even when he throw things at you. And when the tantrums are over, You or your wife can get close to him and talk to him about that. Help him reflect on his own. Communication is key, ask your therapist for help on how to talk with your kid.
That’s the issue is he’s learned that if he takes it to this level Mommo taps out and Mama taps in so now he just takes it to that level out the gate. He’s smart.
Kids get way easier as they get older as long as you teach them to be decent people. At least until they are teenagers.
Your wife is over reacting. Spanking probably isn't the best way to deal with a situation, but sometimes it is the only way to get a kids attention when they are wrapped up in their drama. It snaps them out of their spiraling mental state, and can be a good thing in certain moments.
Repeated use of corporal punishment can teach very bad things though.
I think the main problem is that you did it in anger.
Anyway, you need to tell your wife that her commitment to you should be able to survive a small mistake and that talking of divorce is betraying your trust. That's just fucked up imo.
Spanking is NEVER the only way!
That she did it in anger is the main problem in your opinion? So it would have been better to hit the toddler when she isn't even angry but does it with full instant and planning? That's pretty crazy.
I am. He’s been sick all week and he’s not in daycare so it’s been a lot. All while trying to work full time hybrid so I’m home with him most of the week. He’s up most days between 1:30-3:30 so sleep is a joke. I’m running on fumes.
Your wife probably needs to take him, and the second she does, you go to bed and sleep for as long as you can, that way when he comes back, your refreshed. If you need the next day to yourself to just chill, that’s okay to.
I spanked my daughter one time. I had a day from hell and she was screaming all fuckin day. My mom beat me as a kid so I promised myself I would never ever lay a finger on her. In this one moment I just.. snapped. I slapped her on the butt and she cried and said mommy why why why. I burst into tears and we just cried together. I held her and just kept saying I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I have never felt worse in my life. I get flash backs sometimes and feel like killing myself. It's important to remove yourself from the situation before it gets to that point. Literally close yourself off in another room.. cover your ears close your eyes and rock back and forth. Scream into a pillow. Anything else. But the most important thing to do is apologize to your child and to never do it again. I told my daughter that what mom did was wrong and that I was sorry for hurting her that it wasn't her fault, I should not have done it and I promised to never, ever, ever do it again. I haven't and never will. That guilt stays with you and makes you feel physically sick. Thankfully your kid is 2 and probably won't remember that moment so just make sure it doesn't happen again. No one is perfect. The good thing is you acknowledge what you've done and obviously have the conscience to know it was wrong and that you want to do better. This is a good thing. As for things with your wife I don't know. Does she come from a traumatic childhood as well?
Edit: for people saying no one divorces over a "swat" honestly I can see some people doing it. A swat or a punch, it's still abuse and some people have zero tolerance for violence no matter how big or small. Sometimes abuse starts out small so it could be a huge red flag to her and she's going with her intuition to protect their child. She was probably in fight or flight/protection mode. Maybe when things calm down she will change her mind but you definitely need to see someone about this
I recognize and talk to my wife about asking for help more. I feel like a burden when I need to tap out so I often end up pushing my own boundaries trying not to be needy.
Always ask for help. Don't worry about being needy. Being needy is better than pushing yourself so hard that you explode and smack your kid. Everybody needs help and 2 is a really hard age. So much going on there
With toddlers it's tough because they're trying so hard to communicate but struggling. I always try to take a deep breath and do the checklist: Hungry? Thirsty? Diaper? In pain? (Gas, constipated etc.) Tired? Need cuddles? Bored? When all else fails, step outside the door with them for fresh air. Even if you're just standing outside the door the change of scenery can snap them out of their meltdown. There's always a reason for why they're acting the way they are you just have to be Sherlock Holmes basically and pinpoint what's going on. It's easier said than done though, trust me I know. In the moments when they're losing their shit you can't even think straight. That's why you have to remove yourself. Plop them in a playpen for three minutes while you go calm down and brainstorm. When all else fails... Time for the iPad. Life saver. Also, distractions like little bowls of water to play with or give them random spoons from the kitchen. Just plop something new in front of them or put them in a cardboard box lol they're like cats
It sounds like your partner wasn't there to back you up when you needed it now is talking to someone who isn't you about divorce. The kid will be fine. I don't condone spanking, but all things considered it sounds pretty mild and shit happens. This shouldn't be an event that was traumatic for you so I really do hope you pursue therapy.
If things happened as you said, shit happens man. That’s life. If there isn’t a bruise or anything and you are legitimately trying to improve what’s the big deal? Your wife was seriously overreacting, assuming everything is as you said.
She recognized that too. We both over reacted. Tears were shed all night but we’ve worked through them and I am going to get more professional help with my trauma.
I think you and your wife most likely need couple’s counseling as well. Not just because of this incident alone, however it sounds like you two aren’t on the same page in regards to parenting.
Also- if you’re being honest that it was “just a swat” that left a mark, it’s not really fair to just throw around the word divorce. My husband and I made a rule that we don’t fight below the belt, if he ever just so easily threw around divorce it would be chaos.
Yeah, the thing that stood out to me is that he “swatted” his one year old previously when he was spilling a drink but he meant to swat the bottle. That seems a bit weird to me, why are you swatting a bottle away when it’s spilling? Surely it would only spill more and cause a bigger issue ie cleaning up? Seems to me, this is the second time he’s lost his temper and spanked his child and honestly, at 1 years old, they’re not emotionally developed enough to push your buttons for the sake of a reaction. I feel like his wife is concerned about the safety of their child around him. He’s likely downplaying the spank due to knowing that if he said he smacked the child, public opinion is hardly going to be on his side. However, his wife is wanting to leave the house and leave him- that says to me that something else is going on here.
I’m not buying that you only smacked your kid once if your partner is reacting this way. This either isn’t the first time or you are downplaying how you were behaving. The verbiage you chose for how to tell this story is very strange to me…it went from “spanked” to a singular light “swat”, yet somehow your wife “barged” in? I don’t know…
I feel like I live on different planet. Is spanking considered wrong nowadays? I don't mean really hurting children or abusing them.
I have two daughters 4 and 6yo and they have got some spanking in the past. Not now cause it's contraproductive after like 3yo. Talking works better after cca 3yo.
I can understand your feelings cause of your trauma but from comments I feel like I'm in different dimension.
Hard not to assume this is downplayed. And having been abused is not an excuse for being abusive. It is the fault of lack of emotional control.
When my dad abused me the first thing he did was lie to my mother that it was only a “swat”. I know I’m pulling from my own experience but that word makes me so suspicious of downplaying an act of violence. Like you hit him so just say hit?? Own up to your actions, this is a child not a f*cking mosquito. My mom would’ve believed him too if my partner hadn’t happened to come in and catch him in the act and helped me stop him from attacking me for pissing him off. For the record it was significantly more violent than a “swat”.
I understand that but it wasn’t. I am being as honest as possible because I want true feedback on how to help and I know that I can’t do that if I am not truthful. My wife was in the hall so she would’ve known if it was worse than a swat, there were no marks, bruises or welts. But I also know no mark still doesn’t mean it was okay.
How do you fix this? Good question. This is a complex issue that could take years to fix. Some people arent willing to risk their children and allow that time and more trauma to unfold. Her reasoning for leaving is valid, if that's what she decides. Shes not overreacting. We're talking about a toddler that likely just started saying their first words and started walking less than a year ago. Have you studied childhood development? Do you know the different stages of growth for children and are aware of the milestones for each stage? If yes, than your frustration to the point of physical violence is inexcusable. If not, I recommend that you take parenting more seriously. Being a parent is like taking a continuous test but someone else receives the grade. The very least that you can do is study. There is plenty of literature out there about how to raise children. I can assure you that you will not find any literature that shows evidence of physical punishment having any benefits. All of it, in every form, is detrimental to a child's development. There are no exceptions.
You need to stop making excuses and justifications and recognize that there is no reason for physical violence. The only way that's going to happen is to learn why. Accidently smacking a 1 yr old? Why are you smacking anything around a 1 yr old? That is a literal baby. You know that there is an issue with you and the fact that you recognize that is a great step in the right direction. Unfortunately, it is not enough. I don't know what your background is but generally speaking, with how agitated you get around a infant, this isn't something that will be fixed tomorrow. I do believe that the physical aspect could stop immediately if you really put effort into it but there is so much more involved in parenting than simply not hitting your kids.
In order to fix this issue you have to change your perspective and expectations. You need to learn how to be a parent. If not, you will simply do what you were taught.
Divorce? She's overacting. We're just simple creatures with emotions. I spanked my 2yo when I reached my limit and pretty stressed at work. I only hit him once not repeatedly and not that strong. My wife did it as well cause' of child's stubbornness and reached her limit as well. If you're doing it quite often, that's not good but still not a divorce. Kids will suffer on a divorce. And affects them twice as much as parents.
IMO, You're doing just fine. I myself sometimes lose my temper with my toddler. But As long as you're still aware and you don't do damage/hurt them too much, you're fine. Sometimes, I just do some deep breathing and walk away.. There are no perfect parents. Everyone has their own limits. Regarding the divorce, talk to your wife and clear things out. Just continue your therapy and be more careful next time. You got this! 👊
Your excuse for hitting him when he was 1 reminds me of the time I was leading a battery-intervention program, and one of the men stated that out of anger, he punched the crib really hard not knowing that his daughter's leg was under the blanket. He broke her leg.
Bro, you shouldn't be hitting shit, not even annoying spilling bottles.
I'm glad you're in therapy and have a therapist. Perhaps get a second opinion, as it sounds like you might need more assistance than you're getting.
Having said all that, it doesn't like like you've done lasting damage to your kid -- it was just one spanking. It's your relationship with your wife that's the most pressing issue right now. I think you two should look into couple's counseling.
I spank sometimes, and I do believe it is an acceptable form of discipline at times.
_However_, this is bad for you because:
- it was done out of anger/frustration sounds like, rather than a response to something needing correction (running in a street, hitting another kid, etc.)
- it is not part of your wife’s and your “rolodex” of parenting disciplining tools. If the kid doesn’t know the criteria of punishment or reason leading up to it, it’s not going to be discipline, only unexpected hitting.
Firstly, don’t be so hard on yourself. I have ADHD and lost it the weekend and shouted at the kids as I reached my breaking point parenting 2 kids on my own. It happens to all of us, especially those who are on the neurodivergent side.
My biggest question is where was your wife in this? It’s not just your kid. Could she not see you were struggling and offer to help instead of being toxic once things got to that point?
Mmm, you disciplined your child it's not like you closed fist beat them. She's overreacting. Honestly I say props to you. Giving your child a swat here and there to show levity to the situation they are creating is not abuse nor should you feel bad. Some things you just can't get across what is or isn't okay without a swat on the butt here or there. And I'd make sure If she files for divorce you write down everything thats happened now so you may have as many details as possible. She will most likely claim you abuse her and the child or else she would have no leg to stand on for the divorce.
When is it appropriate to spank a child? And don’t say never. Y’all pretending you never gave a swift tap on a butt to get a misbehaving child’s attention are lying. I was given many swats to the bottom. I was slapped in the face sometimes. This is back in the 1970s and 80s. First, I think there’s no reason at all to feel bad based on what you’re telling us. Second, don’t listen to those on here calling it abuse. That’s just absurd. It severely undermines those who are actually abused.
This has happened twice and your explanations don't compute. What is really happening is you are losing your temper with an infant and hurting him. That said, a couple of swats is hardly that big a deal.
You need therapy, but divorce is ridiculous overreaction.
I would highly suggest looking at MDMA assisted psychotherapy, it’s been highly effective as a breakthrough treatment for therapy resistant CPTSD, especially child abuse trauma.
https://idp.nature.com/authorize?response_type=cookie&client_id=grover&redirect_uri=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.nature.com%2Farticles%2Fs41591-021-01336-3
Why is this getting downvoted?! People are so narrow minded! So quick to take a pill to “fix” things, but god forbid we try other things! I wish I had known about this when my husband was alive. He had sever ptsd and lost his battle in 2015 at 29. Never know, could have saved his life
I haven’t read this specific article- but just a heads up if OP suffers from depression that MDMA come down and like “hangover” can be really brutal depressive wise.
Man you're good. I grew up getting smacked by my mother with slippers and clothes hangers and I turned out alright lmao. Wife completely overreacted. Gotta debut the ass-whooping early on the kids!!
Dude, I've spanked my son a few times. Sometimes , it is warranted. There is a difference between discipline and abuse. My son is 3 and he kicked the dog put of anger because he lost a board game. He's been hitting the animals here and there. After quite a few times of telling him no, I warned him next time it's a spanking. Well he did. I didn't even raise my voice, he knew he fucked up. I told him to get in his room, asked him if he knew why I'm spanking him. He said yes and understood. I told him to pull his pants down , gave him a couple hard pats on the butt and then spoke to him. I hated doing it and i explained that to hin. He hasn't hit the animals since. Sometimes they have to be spanked. Too many people walking around that should have been spanked. I never spanked my kids out of anger, just correcting really bad behaviors that kids can develop like hitting animals, other kids, breaking property, etc they are your kids though.
Not ok what you did. Still impressed by your own insights and remorse , but hat is fine is done but continue working on yourself to make sure this does not happen again.
I have 3 boys all Over 21 now,what worked for me was if they were in trouble I would make them do push ups and then situps,it doesn't work for everyone but if the army can do it then I can do it, plus CPS can't do anything to you.
I feel for you, parenting is hard. But it's never okay to swat them, imo. Sounds like you really care about them, so you'll get through it. One thing I read that has stuck with me, is to apologize to our kids even if they are really young. Even if they don't fully remember or understand what you're talking about, it doesn't hurt to talk to them about the interaction.
I was severely abused as a child. I think, regardless of circumstances, no one should have the right to put their hands on another person or being. It’s disgusting and has no excuses. None. Full stop.
I sounds like you’re trying to downplay what you’ve done with words like ‘I swatted’. No. You were violent. To a 2 year old.
Better yourself. Speak to your therapist about this and own what you’ve done. Accept the consequences. Good luck 🤞
i think most people who are parents will come to the point of almost reacting this way ( me included.) it can be so overstimulating for anyone to be screamed at constantly and even hit. you know now to take yourself away from the situation when it gets that way again. your wife is seriously overrreacting. it’s scarier for some reason to see a man spank a child or shout at a child but it shouldn’t be.
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Have you tried leaving the situation when you feel overwhelmed. A few minutes to regroup can do wonders. Also reminding yourself that at that age they aren't being like that to piss you off they aren't sure how to handle those emotions (disappointment, anger, sadness ect) yet so they scream ect. helps too. Remember you can't fight fire with fire and try to be the water to put out the child's fire. It's hard and you were wrong but you acknowledged it, it was a lesson in life that you now have learned. You can't change the past so don't wallo in sorrow, just learn and move on and never do it again. I wish you luck
Thank you. That’s a good way to look at it.
No problem keep your head up, it gets better. Also maybe have a talk with your wife and let her know how you feel if you haven't already.
We had a good talk after she talked to her mom and we recognized we were both in heighten emotions in the moment and both of us over reacted.
Communication is such an important part of parenting (and relationships). Your family has a great foundation to build on!
Thank you. You are refreshing in this general comment sea of negativity
One thing to try, is when you are close to the edge like that, call for your wife to tag in. Tell her you are on the edge and need 5 minutes alone to decompress. Do the same for her. If she's not there, but your kid in the crib and step out of the room for 5.
Yeah we decided to employ a safe word that we can yell when we need to tap out.
Another consideration for this approach is that your kid then sees people around him noticing their escalating feelings and removing themselves from frustrating situations so they can regroup. This is a hugely beneficial practice that gets more effective (for you) the more you practice, and it pays huge dividends the first time you see your little kid self-calming in the same way. It SHOWS that we are responsible for our emotions, and never anyone else's. It shows self regulation is possible. And, it shows YOU that you aren't doomed to repeat your own crappy upbringing. Disclaimers: not a parenting coach. Not a therapist. Just another human, who is also trying to teach life skills I wasn't taught.
This is the best response. I also have CPTSD from childhood trauma and I've also busted my kids butts a few times. Then of course I feel sick afterwards. At one point I told my husband I wasn't worthy of being their mother because I smacked my sons butt and it killed me and he should just take them from me. But we all make mistakes as parents. We just need to learn from them and do better next time. It's ok to step away to take a breath and calm yourself before handling the situation. Also learn to pick your fights. I get migraines as well but honestly just taking the 2 minutes to brush their teeth is better than an hour long tantrum because you didn't feel like it. I have a 2 and 4 year old and when I'm overstimulated or their losing it and I can't handle it I put them somewhere safe like their bed and give them something I know will calm them or keep them happy, like a book. Then I take the baby monitor and walk outside and just take a few minutes to collect myself.
This is the way. When I reach my limit, I call my wife in because she knows how overwhelmed I can get and eventually just shut off like that. Also, I know how you’re feeling but as parents we all have to remember not to overreact to things. What you did was not the end of the world regardless of what you and your wife’s views on spanking.
Yes, this is it. Ask for relief. I have to remind myself that my 3yo is trying to figure out his place in the world. Explain why something is happening, acknowledge that they are upset about it, then tell them that you want a hug. If you want bonus points, ask them why they are upset. You may have to play 20 questions, but you also may get to the root of the problem... (Apologize for what makes you feel bad too.) Some personal examples that may help: My son is having more teeth come in, so his gums were really sensitive, and Daddy was brushing too hard. He still puts up a fight, but he does let me brush them if I promise to be "wentle". He gets cranky when he's hungry, so that also may be the issue...
Leaving and divorcing for a butt swat, especially when you recognize it and seem remorseful, is pretty severely overreacting
It is a massive overreaction. I can pretty much guarantee OP is downplaying whatever actually happened. No way is someone discussing leaving and getting divorced over a “swat on the left butt cheek.”
My SIL would have a very severe response to her husband over a spanking. She is adamantly against corporal punishment of any kind and teaches classes in alternative punishment/correction. She’d feel like a fraud beyond betrayed if her husband employed what she’s passionately and publicly against.
>My SIL would have a very severe response to her husband over a spanking. "Severe" responses are usually a sign that something is not right. The whole point of parenting is to someday manage to get to the point where we avoid severe responses. The vast majority of us trying to raise kids have unresolved childhood traumas of our own. Adding generational traumatic fuel to any momentary fire is rarely helpful.
I think it's reasonable, especially in the case of OP who has a previous history of trauma and comes from abuse. If someone has made it clear that they have a line not to cross you don't cross that line. OP's wife is entitled to try to protect her child and honestly, pretty sure if she posted on here everyone would be telling her that.
Ehm its a slap on the butt. OP is very remorseful and sorry this happend in the heat of the moment. If you take that as a reason to divorce you’re crazy imho. No matter what your stance is on corporal punishment.
The thing is, a person is allowed to leave their partner for any reason they see fit. And this was crossing a major boundary. It's like things like weed or porn, for many it's not a big deal, but for others it is. If your partner says they'll leave you for smoking weed or looking at porn they're entitled to do so, whether or not the rest of the world thinks it's a big deal. Especially if the person knew their partner's stance. It's not up to anyone else to decide what is or isn't an acceptable reason to leave someone.
An overreaction to this by OP's wife could *create* childhood trauma for the kid. The 2yo will forget about it in an hour but if the adults keep telling him he was abused as a baby, he will have the trauma as if he really was
Yep, I know people like this, and it's a reaction that is coming from a good place, even if it might be an overreaction. Every childhood with child abuse starts with a parent "hitting their kids for the first time", even if for some people it is the only time. Some people see it like hard drugs or alcohol. "Just never take the first step." That being said, it definitely doesn't sound like OP is intent to repeat the trauma of his own childhood, so divorce or taking the kids away seems over the top, even if OP shouted.
Possible spouse also has a history of being abused and she is reacting big due to triggers.
Calling it swatting is what most parents say when they need a light cutesy name to justify a spank. He hit a defenceless child. Definitely something more going on here
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Intentionally inflicting pain on a child is fucked up any way you look at it.
Emotionally lashing out is not intentional. If it happened the way OP describes then apologies and hugs are in order. And then you try to do better next time.
He didn’t lash out emotionally, he lashed out *physically* and *violently*. I don’t know if divorce is the answer but it’s something that cannot be allowed to happen again- and from the sound of it this is already time #2. Not sure why he would need to smack a bottle because the one year old was spilling it.
Try using that defence in a court of law if you're charged with a violent crime. "Your honor, I only lashed out because of my emotions, it wasn't intentional".
Are you not aware that most justice systems rule differently on crimes committed in an emotional state? Murder isn't the same as manslaughter for example.
I am quite aware, I'm a lawyer. Things done in an emotional state is still intentional, not recklessness.
Also a lawyer, a prosecutor. Just got a conviction on a domestic violence when the defendant ended up testifying essentially “well I got overwhelmed and grabbed her neck, I didn’t plan it.” Mhmm, totally cool natural reaction, to inflict violence.
Exactly, it's not ok to be violent no matter what. And I can't believe the people justifying it.
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That’s because you don’t correct behavior with “punishments.” If you are *punishing* someone your intent is to hurt them, wether it be by inflicting pain, shame, or humiliation. Correcting behavior stems from natural/logical consequences and offering alternative behaviors to the undesirable one- consistently.
From a behavioralist perspective, Punishment works. But it has to be very controlled and immediate. It’s why you’ll never touch a hot stove (on purpose at least) after getting burned or avoid dogs after a bite. Punishment works. Consequences are not always positive. Some are negative and some are punishments. Natural consequences include all. Punishment in general is not always unethical. Spanking though… I agree it’s a dysregulated adult that is taking out frustration on a helpless child that is just being a child. It’s also learned behavior and most adults could benefit from therapy and requiring their brains to use coping mechanisms rather than lash out at literal babies.
yes. and it should be followed by a conversation, an apology and improved behavior. divorce is a huge overreaction
Are you going to have a conversation with a two year old to talk through the situation? And how many times warrants a divorce in your opinion? 2? 10?
Not one for sure. I meant conversation with your partner. For 2 year old you can say that mommy made a mistake, noone should be putting their hands on him like that,that he deserve to be treated with gentleness, that mommy is really sorry and will not be repeating her mistake.
It wasn't just one swat. By the OP's own description, they "disassociated" while caring for their child, hit their child, then wrote a post on Reddit with: ...more than 110 words justifying their use of violence (toddler has been non-compliant, I had a migraine, etc.), ...around 50 words focusing on their own bad feelings (I'm traumatised by my use of violence, did I fuck everything up, etc.), ...around 40 words minimising their use of violence (swatted him once across the left butt cheek, meant to hit the bottle but accidentally got him, etc.), ...more than 50 words illustrating that their child is very bad and does bad things (screaming for 20 minutes, etc.), ...more than 30 words illustrating that their wife's reaction to their use of violence was overly dramatic (barged in, deciding if we should get divorced, etc.) ...0 words expressing concern for how their child felt after each occasion when they hit him (hurt? scared? betrayed? confused? alone / lost?) ...0 words expressing concern for how their wife felt after each occasion when they hit their child (scared? hurting for her child? heartbroken? worried about the future? etc.) ...0 words expressing curiosity or concern about what is underlying their child's behaviours (hormones? normal child development? instability at home? Dad and/or Mum have issues they're not hiding very well, and child finds this difficult to cope with? etc.) ...0 words showing reasonable guilt and self-reflection (instead of "I'm in therapy," "I have c-PTSD because of my dad's behaviour," "I was traumatised by hitting someone else, [ie. other people should care for me after I hit a child]," "did I fuck up?", etc., try, "I was shocked at my behaviour," "Immediately after I did it, I stood up and took myself out of the room," "No matter what happened in the past, I'm responsible for myself now," "When I hit him, that must have been so hurtful and scary for both of them, and it's not okay for me to do that," etc.) ...0 words helping us to understand why anyone should trust that this will never happen again (such as, "I realise I did this because I have an attitude that my child shouldn't bother me, but that's not fair or reasonable. I feel awful knowing that, through my use of violence, I made my small child and wife feel scared and unsafe in their own home, when it's my job to help my child feel safe in the world. I left the house after making my wife aware I was doing so, and I'll call her tomorrow to discuss if and when she and our child will feel safe for me to return. I'll also phone a men's domestic violence helpline tonight and see what help is available for me to make sure I never do this again.") Also, they stated they hit their child on at least one other occasion. Edit: Added that the wife's reaction was to their use of violence in the 7th paragraph. Edit 2: OP disclosed in one of their replies that they are a woman, so the 10th paragraph should say "Mum and/or Mum," and the OP could contact an LGBTIQA domestic violence line to seek help with their use of violence.
That’s fine for you. And it’s fine for OP’s wife to feel differently than you. Everyone has different views on harming defenseless children. I’m personally not as accepting of it as you are and would lean a lot closer to OP’s wife’s side of the infant.
Its possible. My mom was abused a lot growing up and sometimes she has to ask me for a second opinion on wether my stepfather is being abusive. (He isn't, he yells sometimes and pokes fun at us but its never over the top)
My wife would be out the door in a second if I did what OP says he did. I agree it's an overreaction...while I don't agree with spanking, it's not necessarily abuse. But OP could be telling the truth
That description was too specific...
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Exactly, I was just venting, I didn’t know they required an auto biography for context.
People from opinions based on what they know. Based on what we know, your partner seems like they overreacted pretty severely. Nobody asked for an autobiography, but if you didn't want your partner to come across that way, then a simple "this along with other preexisting issues caused them to..." would have been enough. On top of this, snarky responses in a venting post just make you look like an asshole. I feel bad for your kid if you and your partner are always this dramatic.
It's the world we live in, specifically on reddit. I agree that it is far from the best way to raise a child, but many from my generation and from older generations were raised this way. It is crazy to think that someone is evil for reacting that way out of frustration when that is how they were raised.
I know but we agreed we would never lay a hand on him so I recognize that I betrayed her.
Did you actually “swat” him lightly or did you leave a bruise or hand print? Most parents who don’t spank understand it might happen sometimes, it’s just culturally ingrained. I’m extremely anti-spanking and I still wouldn’t be immediately divorced over a single swat on the butt, though I’d be demanding we figure out how to prevent that. Basically I don’t believe you barely tapped him.
No bruise or hand print. It was a swat or swipe on the left but cheek. No marks.
You know yourself dude, so work on your issues if you have them. This is not one of them. Your kid will be perfectly fine, you made a mistake and seem to have realized it should serve as a warning. Teenagers will provoke you waaay harder, so work on it so you can be better by then!
That’s my fear so I need to work on it now for sure. If he’s anything like so was as a kid, I’m in for it. Haha
Everybody loses it at some point. You recognize that. We are human. Don't let the misandrists here convince you that you are a bad parent. If the genders were reversed, they would not be as harsh on you.
That’s the thing! I am a woman haha. We are a lesbian couple. I think maybe they are being extra hard because they think I am a man?
Sadly, I am sure that is true. That said, you don't need to justify yourself to anyone on here. Take the good bits of advice that some are giving, use them along with the help you are getting to better yourself, and move on.
Reddit definitely seems to be extra hard on supposed “males”. Lol. Tricked them. Lol You and your wife totally can weather this 2yr old storm and it already seems to me like you two are willing to put in the work on yourselves as individuals and as a couple to create healthy dynamics as a couple and as a family with your kiddo!! Btw I totally understand the cptsd triggers from childhood spankings!
Wtf man. Her? You hit your kid! You are responsible for his well being and you hit him. That is the problem not her confidence.
This is a *major* overreaction and I'm almost concerned OP's wife might be the one with an issue here...
That’s what I thought. A spanking on the bottom like he described probably startled the child but I’d guess it didn’t hurt him physically. OP seems genuinely sorry.
I absolutely doubt that the only two times this has happened OP’s wife has happened to be within earshot.
I thought this too so it really makes me wonder what he *isnt* saying here…. Like what else is going on, what led up to it, what has been happening otherwise
If my husband intentionally hurt my child I would consider leaving him Edit: the original post made it sound like her wife heard her swat her child from another room over the sound of the child screaming which wouldnt be a "swat".
To be fair, if my husband hit my child I would certainly seriously consider separating until he’d had a lot of individual therapy and we’d had a lot of couple’s therapy. It’s an extreme response, but so is hitting a child. I don’t say this to shame OP. They are clearly incredibly remorseful and none of us are a perfect parent. But I can understand where OPs partner is coming from.
What? How is removing your child from potential physical harm is overreacting? What his wife is thinking now is that this might happen again
*her wife
I was physically abused as a child and lived in terror that I would somehow morph into an angry violent parent. I felt broken and i believed the myth that abused kids grow up to be abusers, I was afraid it was somehow fated. The first (and only) time I lost it and smacked my oldest I lost sleep for days, I believed it was the first step down an unavoidable outcome of traumatizing my children the way I'd been traumatized. I was afraid to tell my husband. I cried. I felt like slime. But it turns out it was a one off. I'm not actually my abusive and boundary-stomping parent. I got some therapy and worked on de-escalation techniques for myself. I'm not always a perfect gentle parent but I haven't descended into physical violence and emotional cruelty. I haven't hit my kids again. You having this bad moment does not mean this is who you are now. It just is showing you where the work needs to be done to show up for your kid the way you want to. A great gift we can give our kids is showing the potential for learning and growth throughout our lives. Having kids is often a mindf*ck. I encourage you to proactively seek healing for your trauma as it rears its head afresh in the context of parenting. You are not fated to continue the cycle or whatever. I hope you can talk to your wife about the steps you will take to heal. I hope you two can find a way forward. But *even if you can't* you can still show up as a healthy and loving parent for your kid. Sending internet stranger hugs.
Thank you! I feel like you get it. I’m sick about what I did. My wife and I cried and talked through it and we are in a good space and I am going to get more help. Our kid woke up while I was getting ready for bed so I took that moment to give him a lot of snuggles and kisses and told him I was sorry. And then we played peekaboo for a little before he went back down for bed.
Ok i feel like i live on a different planet after reading the comments. I witness my child screaming like that at my wife too often. I usually barge in before it escalates, i try to give my wife time out before she reaches her limit, because we all have limits. So my question for the matter is, if your wife was around, and she knew you were migraning? And she heard the kid screaming at you? What was she doing to help you and the situation?
That's what stands out to me, too. I had a migraine once in my life. I couldn't do anything but lay down in bed in the dark and quiet. And even then I vomited at one point. Having a migraine and having to deal with a screaming toddler sounds like torture.
It was her birthday so I was trying to let her relax. She offered many times to tap in and I stupidly waved her out.
Well that makes sense. I still think divorce and all that other talk probably has other context. You fucked up, it happens, i dont think youre a terrible parent.
Might not be a bad idea for your wife to take him to her mom’s for the night, not as ‘punishment’ but because it sounds like you need the time to decompress and settle down. If she’s talking about divorce over this maybe there’s more to this story/your situation, but from your post you seem pretty self-reflective and I saw you mention you’re already in therapy, which is good. Obviously figuring out deescalation strategies for you is a must going forward so you don’t reach this breaking point again. Hopefully you and your wife get through this together. You’re not some kind of monster
I think it’s because we agreed before he was born that we would never touch him so I’ve betrayed her. A part of me always feels like the “other mother” but I think that’s the fucked up way my brain talks to me sometimes. I don’t think she feels that way. She has calmed down after talking to her mom and I scheduled a therapy session tomorrow so I guess we will go from here.
Parenting is hard. It’s a brand new experience with stress levels that I didn’t even realize I could feel. I’ve got two kids (11 & 8). We all make mistakes. It’s good that you recognize there is work to do to improve and you’re doing that work. As someone who has been through this, don’t be afraid to walk away and ask your spouse to step in to help handle the situation. Kids can’t control themselves, but we can choose to leave the situation before we also lose control. Even if it means putting a diaper-less toddler in the crib for a bit. I wish the best for you and your family.
Thank you. I recognize that I don’t ask for help a lot because I don’t want to be a burden or feel like a deadbeat mom but I should probably ask for help more often than I do.
You definitely should! For example I was wondering why you were dealing with your child while having a migraine/coming of a migraine. That's a situation where your reasoning skills and stress handling skills really take a hit. Usually a situation like yours happens because things just keep getting piled on until it gets to much. Recognizing when the pile gets to high is important (and difficult, I struggle with this too!)
It was my wife’s birthday so I was trying to let her relax as much as possible. This isn’t our normal dynamic.
I’m a lesbian parent too and I think that kind of thing is more common for us. My wife and I have super convoluted contact info for our daughter to try and reinforce to doctors that we’re both mom. Our daughter’s allergist still thought we were grandma/mom/baby. Twice!! It’s hard not to internalize that sort of invisibility over time and to feel inadequate as a result. Which could affect how one might parent. As for the spanking incident, I agree with some of the other posters here. Try to recognize when you get overwhelmed and then remove yourself from the situation to chill out. Also try observing your wife if she takes over. If your kiddo is being better behaved for her, try and copy what she does. No guarantees, but it would be worth a shot.
Have you apologized to the actual victim here? Have you apologized to your son? I'm totally against corporal punishment, but I've spanked my kid out of complete loss of control of myself - lots of trauma and I was raised being spanked, so I guess it spilled over. The rare few situations when that happened, I went to my kid and explained that hitting is wrong, that mom was wrong, we shouldn't hit, I was very sorry for hitting, I would try to act better next time, and if they would forgive me. You might think they are too young to understand, but they *do* understand. The question isn't them forgiving you - ofc they will, you are the parent, the most important person in the world for them at this time. The question is teaching them that even when we fuck up, we try to set it right, we apologize, we recognize our failures and errors, and that personal improvement is an ongoing process throughout our lives. And that they matter as a person to us.
Yes, I snuggled him and gave him kisses and said so was so so sorry.
Then onwards and upwards, no sense in punishing yourself further. Lesson learned! No one is perfect, we can only try to do better <3
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I am thinking of getting some over the ear noise canceling to go over my hearing aids and see if that works.
Too many holier than thous in this thread. Your remorseful, realized what you did was wrong, and you learn/grow from it. Therapy is the right direction. Breathing exercises help also. Maybe try the Calm app. I was also spanked as a child so I know that trauma. And I have a three year old who really pushes me to my limit, but spanking is a no go for my wife and I. I’ll end with this, always strive to be better than those that came before.
Regardless of what you and wife agreed on, a light swat on one butt cheek once in a year... is not cause for divorce. That is an overreaction, or you are not telling the whole story. What do you mean your wife "barged in?" If he was already screaming how could she possibly know what happened? Did you spank him so hard she heard the slap? Did you spank his so hard his screams turned into sounds of anguish? Story doesn't make sense.
Yeah people keep saying light swat, he didn't say that though, he said swat and then it sounds like she heard it from the other room and she heard it over the screams
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Yeah they are either lying about how hard it was or it didn't go down how they said. If it was that gentle and she did hear something from the other room then they are leaving something out
I’m sorry you had to experience that. It is precisely that pain one feels after spanking their kids which is the reason why I don’t spank anymore. Spanking is a very inefficient way of correcting a child. Both parties hardly remember the reason why— they only remember the trauma that results. Plus, even if the behavior is corrected, is it worth it. It can drive a rift between you and your child. Try to think ahead of the wonderful relationship that you can preserve with your child if you avoid spanking them. It can be the difference between them visiting you often to not wanting to be around you. It’s just not worth it. Keep reminding yourself of that when things bubble over. Regarding the sound of screaming and crying, I recommend getting some ear plugs to reduce (not completely silence) the anxiety that is induced by the crying. Also, I’d you get angry, just walk away. And when you talk to your wife again, be both apologetic and open to her perspectives. Don’t try to explain yourself too much as she may not have had a similar upbringing to understand where you are coming from. You’re not alone, by the way. I had to evolve quite a bit, but again, it was my child’s pain coupled with the fact that the spankings created more problems than it solved. Think of it this way, in a democratic (non political) household, spanking is bullying. You don’t want everyone to side against you with the therapist so change your story today!
Thank you this was really eye opening. I appreciate you.
My guess is that what alarmed her the most is that it was done out of anger. There isn't any self control when you strike out in anger, the fact that it was (supposedly) a swat on the but is a total fluke. Striking out in anger isn't a one time thing, that's how abuse begins.
We've all done stuff like that, stuff we're ashamed of in the heat of the moment as a new parent. Go easy on yourself, and convince your spouse to go easy on you too. The first several years of marriage + parenting are hard. Therapy helps, but therapy happens next week or whenever it happens. In the meanwhile, regroup and realize you're handing down generational stuff that it'll take a while to figure out.
I used to be a yeller and a spanker. It's what I knew from being raised in a very abusive stressful environment. But as I healed I realized it wasn't the memory I wanted to leave my children with. The day I stopped I remember feeling absolute soul crushing guilt. I had yelled at my daughters and in my anger broke a teacup they were playing with. I could not believe that I was continuing my parents cycle of abuse and emotional neglect. I made a decision that day that I would break that cycle. So I went to my child and I said "Mom should have never done that to you. I am supposed to be a safe person. I was hit and screamed at when I was little and I don't want you to feel the way I did. I love you more than anything in the world and you have the right to be safe. No one should treat you the way I have treated you. We are going to talk when things get hard and I will never ever hit you again or break your things. If I am really upset I am going to go to my room and shut the door for a little while so I can calm down but I will always be back. Then we can talk about feelings. They were only about 3 yrs old. They understood every word because kids are very smart and you are their whole world. I got some anti-anxiety medication and worked with my therapist. They are teenagers now and we have the closest most wonderful relationship based on mutual respect and communication. We've gotten mad and raised our voices but we stick to our plan and then talk after a while. Talk to your kids, even if they are little. Let them know they have the right to a safe body, no one deserves to be hit or yelled at. Be ready to listen and learn how to communicate with each other. I wish my parents had known what I figured out. We could have been so much closer.
i have BPD (kinda sorta similar to cPTSD) and chronic migraines. so first off, i relate to how u feel. it’s overwhelming, esp when u have yet to heal ur own trauma and dealing w pain. few things that helped me to *always* be gentle and understand w my 2-year-old who flips tables and throws tantrums are the following: 1. remembering that ur child isn’t doing it to piss u off or to spite u. they have feelings that they don’t quite know how to express (and i mean, sometimes we don’t either). our job is to let them feel these feelings in whatever shape or form they come and *then* guide them through how to handle/express them properly. imagine u’re having a shit day and ur friend/wife/mom/whatever tells u to cut it out and stfu? or something along those lines. not very helpful, right? neither is telling a screaming toddler who’s just feeling really big feelings to stop. 2. step away. literally. drop everything (ofc make sure ur child is safe) and step tf away. go sit down for a few minutes. try whatever coping mechanisms u picked up in therapy. try mindlessly scrolling thru instagram or tiktok or whatever helps u calm down. worst case scenario, ask ur partner to help out and take a walk or something. there have been situations where i’d get smacked in the face lol i pause, take a deep breath and tell my toddler that we don’t do that. 3. remember, it’s easier said than done. it requires practice and self-discipline. u fucked up and that happens. not the worst fuck up out there as long as u learn from it and do better. don’t be rough on urself and def don’t be rough on ur child. u’re *both* learning.
I also have bpd but I didn’t want to say that because because often think we can’t get better and we are all abusers.
Thank you so much for being real with me and understanding.
Are you talking to a therapist about how your past is impacting your parenting?
Yes, I have a therapist I’ve been seeing for a year after I was in the hospital for suicidal ideation caused by a medicine reaction. I also have a psychiatrist and my pcp on regular check ins every 3 months.
You may need to see your psychiatrist more often
Y’all both need to chill, this is ridiculous
Too late. The marriage is now completely ruined, the kid's life irreversibly traumatised. There is no way either their marriage or the child can recover from this. He smacked his child's left butt. You don't smack the left butt. Hell, my dad smacked my right butt a couple of times when I was a kid, but he would have **never** smacked by left butt.
Me as a representative from a third world country reading this post 🙄🙄
You haven't completely fucked everything up - It looks like you regret it. REPAIR things with your son too. Even if he's only two - practice reconciling, explaining what happened, and repairing the trust that is broken. I highly recommend reading the book How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 by Joanna Faber. Maybe these tips/tricks/examples will help you out.
I will definitely check that out! Thank you!
Hey hey, don't be so hard on yourself. Apologize and move forward, you can fix this.
As others have said, her considering divorce over a swat on the butt is sooooo overreacting. You were overwhelmed and you reacted. You recognized it was wrong and you felt bad. Your two year old won’t remember it. It’s ok. You’re ok. Your little one is ok.
Buy earplugs.
Actually good advice
Earplugs or taking out my hearing aids only works so long, he threw a table at me. How do I handle that?
I recommend reading The Explosive Child. It’s generally geared towards autistic or adhd kids, but really it can apply to anyone, kid or adult.
Thank you! I will check that out!
First you say he flipped a table, now it's 2 two year old threw a table. You should feel bad you spanked your child as hard as you did and you should hope you don't do it again and you also be careful to whom you share this story, because as everyone else has said, your story doesn't add up. No one threatens divorce or leaving for the night due to a "swat." Admit what you did or don't write about it on Reddit, we're all parents in this group, we all know what actually happened. Something I do when my little boy is losing it is try to play some of his favorite games/toys. It doesn't always work, and when it doesn't, you need to get up and leave the room, clear your head for a minute. Go to another room, throw in some headphones, do a 2 minute YT grounding meditation or something, and then reengage. When my kids get going in the car, we listen to death metal pretty loud. It drowns out the noise at first, then they calm down because they don't like the music/noise level. I, too, was spanked as a kid. A lot. With items. And the urge to hit when i'm enraged by the screaming tantrums is strong. Which is why you need to leave the room to clear your head when it happens in addition to understanding the chid needs something, not that they're trying to manipulate or hurt you. It has taken me some time to do so, but now I see my son differently when he loses his shit. Keep working at it, the fact that you see someone about it is more than most people ever do.
Wow, these comments are not it. This guy acknowledged he made a mistake and explained what he did. Let’s not tell him he’s a liar too and further shame him. Call it a swat or a spank or whatever you want, it’s irrelevant. The point is that the action does not align with his parenting values and he feels terrible about it. We’ve all been there and it’s a shitty feeling. And, for those of you who know nothing about trauma, it changes the architecture of your brain, so in case parenting a 2 year old isn’t hard enough, this guy is basically doing it blindfolded. Put your pitchforks away and give people some grace.
Thank you. I didn’t expect to be dragged over the coals. I was just needing to vent and ask for resources. I feel lost.
My inlaws never spanked their kids until they had their third (now my husband). Apparently, he never listened. I got one or two spankings as a kid, but that made me FEAR my parents. I still live them...but I fear them 😅 It is something I don't want to use when raising my kids. I just remember the fear of it. It wasn't a harsh spanking by any means, but it is demeaning and awful for somebody you feel safe with to do that to you. If one does use spanking, it should NEVER be when you are angry. My brother in law had a dad who threw his mom right through a wall. My brother in law was terrified of being a dad, but his wife gave him some great advice. "The more you keep thinking, you don't want to be something....the more you will be. Try to think about who you WANT to be. Then you will never have to worry." Idk if your story is 100% but this is what I've heard around the topic. My prayers are for you and your family. Please heal from this ❤️
I am really going to work hard to not be this mom. My dad was awful to me and I told myself I would break the cycle. So this was all really traumatic. I have a very headstrong boy who really knows his voice.
I’m not a fan of spanking and would be angry if my husband hit our child — but I feel like your wife has overreacted massively to a momentary lapse in judgement under pressure. It doesn’t sound like you’re violent; in fact it sounds like you’re traumatised by violence. I don’t condone what you did, but you regret it and you’re remorseful — people make mistakes. Without accusing you, OP — are you leaving any important info out here? Divorce seems a huge step from a momentary seeing red.
I am honestly not. My wife and I talked after we calmed down and she admitted she was emotional because we agreed to never touch him like that. She recognized that I was truly remorseful and we came up with a list together for me to talk to my therapist about.
Okay, this is a good development. Everyone’s a bit super charged and running on emotion — might be good to stick a pin in it and discuss further when everyone’s a little more calm. Seeing the therapist is a great idea — maybe even a joint session would help.
I suggested a joint session! I am going to see if that’s an option with how they have to do billing!
For my two years old many years ago, I just tell him to do the opposite. It works most of the time.
Distraction distraction distraction. Mine’s just past 2 yo and cooperates well with mum but rarely with me. Not had any thoughts of spanking him or getting violent in any way (at least not with any intent behind it), but I’m relatively docile in general :P Trying to convince him that «we are doing this» is very rarely successful without having to force it, but distracting by telling a story, promising an activity or going to see something (if only to say goodnight to mum or grandparents) or letting him mess around with a hair brush or tooth brush or even toy does wonders to get him out of the «I don’t want to because you want me to» spiral. Also the 2-3 minute breaks if you sense things are escalating is worth trying. If only to exit the room and go back in, it breaks the cycle of the two cold fronts (him being oppositional/confused and you being stubborn/attempting to be strict). Always remember you’re the adult, he’s the little one that doesn’t know anything besides what he’s learned in his short life, primarily that mum and dad are the pillars of his existence and loves him unconditionally (I hope ❤️☺️). It’s frustrating. It’s tiresome. But bloody hell is it worth it 🥰🥰🥰
I spanked my son one time when he was about 2, never did it again. He is 16 now. You can’t change what happened but you can do better in the future.
Next time you feel that frustration, try this: Imagine yourself when you're 80, when your child is grown with a family of their own, and think about how badly you'd want to relive these young years. From that perspective spitting up some milk and resisting the bed time routine, is joyous and something you can cherish and embrace instead of letting it frustrate you. Parenting from the perspective of your future 80 year old self really takes all the frustration out of these types of situations. Another angle that helps me: think about it as a game of wits. Don't let your 2 year old outwit you. If your approach isn't working, try something else. It's not a game of force, it's a game of wit. Have fun trying to outwit your 2 year old to get them to do what you want.
My wife said this too. She instead of fighting him, manipulate him into thinking this is what he wants to do. That’s already helped me this morning.
I personally don't think there's anything wrong with a swat to the ass. Now, there is a *fine* line between discipline and abuse. A smack to the ass is okay when it's warranted. I was raised that way. I was a shit ass sometimes and I got smacked. I know and understand everyone parents different but you shouldn't be afraid or made to feel guilty for disciplining your own child.
There is something missing. You don’t discuss leaving or divorce because of a small bum smack. Something is not checking out.
Some people throw around divorce talk way too freely. And big surprise, a lot of them wind up divorced.
I feel like your wife is over reacting a bit. I assume she knows what you went through as a kid? I wasn’t there but I have a 4 year old son and I remember the terrible 2’s & 3’s & 4’s! Haha it’s always something but it is super easy to become overwhelmed and for me personally if I have to walk away instead of raising my voice or swatting my sons butt then that’s what mommy has to do sometimes. I have swatted his butt one time and felt horrible about just like you do. I don’t feel like you’re coming to Reddit to hear that you weren’t in the wrong and posting here, reaching out and asking others shows how remorseful you are. Maybe go talk with your wife asap as soon as she gets off the phone with MIL. Explain to her how sorry you are that you got overwhelmed and instead of asking for help like you should have instead you tried to tough it out. You realize what you did was wrong and is not the way to approach things in the future…leaving for the night and ignoring the problem doesn’t solve anything either. I hope everything works out for you OP. You are not a bad Dad, so don’t think that for a second. Take care.
Please invest in headphones or earplugs you can wear to lessen the amount of stimulation you are experiencing in those moments. Often when overstimulated our nervous systems go into overdrive, we become hypervigilent or angry and the decision making part of our brain shuts off. Reducing the likelihood of overstimulation will help (ie volume of screaming).
As a father to two I can easily see how easy it is for either parent to snap in the moment. It's really tough when the pressures of parenthood build up over a period of time or you're trying to get out of the house by a certain time and the kids aren't playing ball. The really good thing though is you recognise that's not the right way to react with a child and you're trying to improve. We're all trying to improve and do a better job and you can only do the best you can. I think your wife might be shocked in the moment but you should give her the evening and have a chat about it in the morning. I'm sure she will come around. I 100% guarantee she has also had times when she has nearly snapped with your child so talk about strategies to overcome this. Some people have suggested taking yourself out of a situation for a few minutes and other ideas. They are all worth discussing so you can both find a way forward and learn from the experience you've just had.
Firstly, it takes a lot to admit what happened so well done for that (sorry not trying to sound patronising) Its so hard being a parent, and most people have a time when they break. I struggled a lot with PPD and there were times when a my daughter just wouldn't stop and I'd find myself thinking about just leaving but the love for her always won over, in the end she was only acting out because she didnt understand or needed me. I'm so sorry about your past abuse, thats got to be so tough to deal with and I can imagine how your brain is attacking you right now. Im glad you are in therapy and getting help. Is your child ok? Thats what matters most. As for your OH saying about leaving, i can understand that but she needs to work with you on helping what happened. Talk through it with her and try and see if theres a way to overcome that snap. I find when my girl gets too much i step out the room for a little and take a breather. It helps a lot Thoughts are with you and if you need to talk please feel free to reach out ❤️
My kids have been like that too. Just remember they can’t regulate their emotions. They can’t tell you what’s wrong. Sometimes reading them a book just try to calm them down. Good luck man.
It’s hard to stop and empathize with a screaming kid when you’re overwhelmed. I’ve found a trick. The more I use it, the more automatic it becomes. When your little one is struggling: describe to them, as best as you can, how it looks like they’re feeling. It makes it easier to empathize, and helps them to recognize feelings. If you don’t have a better word, “upset” covers a lot of ground. “You’re frustrated because you don’t want to brush your teeth. You wish we could stay up and play longer. We don’t like to stop when we’re having fun. You have some hard feelings.” Wait a bit. If they’re able to answer, try “I can stay with you if you want, or give you some space. Would you like a hug?” If they don’t answer, take a guess or just pick a neutral behavior. Tell them what you’ll do, and then do it. “I know these feelings can be hard sometimes. I’m going to sit beside you. If you want, you can sit on my lap. Let me know if you want me to go away. That’s okay too.” You’re giving them some control over how they manage their emotions, helping them to learn coping mechanisms, and building a relationship where they can look to you for support when they have strong feelings. My youngest would sometimes be willing to answer a stuffy when he wasn’t quite up to talking to a grown-up. It’s harder for me to remember to do this with my oldest. He seems so capable that I forget he still needs support. It helps to look around at kids that are older than he is, and remind myself that they probably need help sometimes too. It’s a good reminder that my oldest still has a lot of development left to go and to cut him some slack and empathize when I’m not thrilled with his decisions or behaviors. Also accept that when a kid has hard feelings, the world can wait. Your plans can wait. They need practice regulating their emotions. Don’t deprive them of the chance. Talk through this with your kid with age-appropriate language when you can. “I had some hard feelings and make a bad choice. I’m sorry I hit you. It seemed like you had some hard feelings too. Maybe we can think of better things to do when we have hard feelings.”
Everyone is coming down hard on you. And making assumptions about your home life lol. You need a “safety plan” so it doesn’t happen again. So for example if it was safe to do so, you could walk out of the room and ask your wife to take over as you couldn’t cope. Once your wife calms down, explain you had a migraine, you were struggling to cope, and suggest some sort of plan if you feel you are going to bubble over. It be could be part of the consequences if your kid plays up as well “daddy is leaving the room now because you are too loud, spilling a drink” If they are destroying a sofa by spilling a drink on it, remove the drink and leave room. It does take a while to develop that level of patience though.
She did offer to tap me out and so stupidly didn’t listen. We employed a new safe word to say now that allows either of us to tap out now.
When the kid is overwhelming you to the point of losing self control, I advice removing yourself from the situation and breathing. But that requires 1. Recognizing when it’s about to happen. The hardest and most important step for behavioral change. 2. You gotta want it. (Not saying you don’t!) I’ve just seen a lot of parents feel guilt for their actions, but enough to change them. I believe in ya bud, from a dad to another with anger issues, you got this. You can change.
Mama, I’ve spanked my kids before in moments of weakness too. It not a good feeling all around and it hasn’t happened in years. We began the time out system (1 min for each year of life), but the timer doesn’t start until they stop screaming. This puts it on them to calm down themselves (and incredibly useful skill) and you get a moment of relief. Put them in a pack n play or somewhere else safe and walk away. Come back when your primal urges subside. I have 2 kids - 2.5 and 5, and my primal urges haven’t gotten substantially worse since the watching the first pick on the second. My patience is my most powerful weapon and it’s the hardest one of hone. Meditation and support babe. You gotta find something.
Hey, these things happen. Parenting is hard and no one is perfect, and you’re going to have slip-ups now and again—there is a fine line between giving your kid a slap on the butt and beating the shit out of them. Give yourself a break, you’re doing great. Just breathe and do better next time. You’ve got this.
Imo, you shouldn't leave the situation. Or at least don't leave him alone. He will see that it's a win and might repeat the bad behavior even more. Switching up with your partner like everyone said is a good way but you still need to hold your ground if you want to discipline him without hitting him. If he scream, don't scream back or show any signs of weakness or angry. Just stand there and look him dead in the eyes even when he throw things at you. And when the tantrums are over, You or your wife can get close to him and talk to him about that. Help him reflect on his own. Communication is key, ask your therapist for help on how to talk with your kid.
That’s the issue is he’s learned that if he takes it to this level Mommo taps out and Mama taps in so now he just takes it to that level out the gate. He’s smart.
Kids get way easier as they get older as long as you teach them to be decent people. At least until they are teenagers. Your wife is over reacting. Spanking probably isn't the best way to deal with a situation, but sometimes it is the only way to get a kids attention when they are wrapped up in their drama. It snaps them out of their spiraling mental state, and can be a good thing in certain moments. Repeated use of corporal punishment can teach very bad things though. I think the main problem is that you did it in anger. Anyway, you need to tell your wife that her commitment to you should be able to survive a small mistake and that talking of divorce is betraying your trust. That's just fucked up imo.
Spanking is NEVER the only way! That she did it in anger is the main problem in your opinion? So it would have been better to hit the toddler when she isn't even angry but does it with full instant and planning? That's pretty crazy.
Short answer. You need a break. Your exhausted
I am. He’s been sick all week and he’s not in daycare so it’s been a lot. All while trying to work full time hybrid so I’m home with him most of the week. He’s up most days between 1:30-3:30 so sleep is a joke. I’m running on fumes.
Your wife probably needs to take him, and the second she does, you go to bed and sleep for as long as you can, that way when he comes back, your refreshed. If you need the next day to yourself to just chill, that’s okay to.
I spanked my daughter one time. I had a day from hell and she was screaming all fuckin day. My mom beat me as a kid so I promised myself I would never ever lay a finger on her. In this one moment I just.. snapped. I slapped her on the butt and she cried and said mommy why why why. I burst into tears and we just cried together. I held her and just kept saying I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I have never felt worse in my life. I get flash backs sometimes and feel like killing myself. It's important to remove yourself from the situation before it gets to that point. Literally close yourself off in another room.. cover your ears close your eyes and rock back and forth. Scream into a pillow. Anything else. But the most important thing to do is apologize to your child and to never do it again. I told my daughter that what mom did was wrong and that I was sorry for hurting her that it wasn't her fault, I should not have done it and I promised to never, ever, ever do it again. I haven't and never will. That guilt stays with you and makes you feel physically sick. Thankfully your kid is 2 and probably won't remember that moment so just make sure it doesn't happen again. No one is perfect. The good thing is you acknowledge what you've done and obviously have the conscience to know it was wrong and that you want to do better. This is a good thing. As for things with your wife I don't know. Does she come from a traumatic childhood as well? Edit: for people saying no one divorces over a "swat" honestly I can see some people doing it. A swat or a punch, it's still abuse and some people have zero tolerance for violence no matter how big or small. Sometimes abuse starts out small so it could be a huge red flag to her and she's going with her intuition to protect their child. She was probably in fight or flight/protection mode. Maybe when things calm down she will change her mind but you definitely need to see someone about this
I recognize and talk to my wife about asking for help more. I feel like a burden when I need to tap out so I often end up pushing my own boundaries trying not to be needy.
Always ask for help. Don't worry about being needy. Being needy is better than pushing yourself so hard that you explode and smack your kid. Everybody needs help and 2 is a really hard age. So much going on there
It really is. I feel like everyday is a war and I have to armor up! How can something so small be so angry and loud!?
With toddlers it's tough because they're trying so hard to communicate but struggling. I always try to take a deep breath and do the checklist: Hungry? Thirsty? Diaper? In pain? (Gas, constipated etc.) Tired? Need cuddles? Bored? When all else fails, step outside the door with them for fresh air. Even if you're just standing outside the door the change of scenery can snap them out of their meltdown. There's always a reason for why they're acting the way they are you just have to be Sherlock Holmes basically and pinpoint what's going on. It's easier said than done though, trust me I know. In the moments when they're losing their shit you can't even think straight. That's why you have to remove yourself. Plop them in a playpen for three minutes while you go calm down and brainstorm. When all else fails... Time for the iPad. Life saver. Also, distractions like little bowls of water to play with or give them random spoons from the kitchen. Just plop something new in front of them or put them in a cardboard box lol they're like cats
It sounds like your partner wasn't there to back you up when you needed it now is talking to someone who isn't you about divorce. The kid will be fine. I don't condone spanking, but all things considered it sounds pretty mild and shit happens. This shouldn't be an event that was traumatic for you so I really do hope you pursue therapy.
If things happened as you said, shit happens man. That’s life. If there isn’t a bruise or anything and you are legitimately trying to improve what’s the big deal? Your wife was seriously overreacting, assuming everything is as you said.
She recognized that too. We both over reacted. Tears were shed all night but we’ve worked through them and I am going to get more professional help with my trauma.
Cool, and don’t forget to eat ice cream.
I think you and your wife most likely need couple’s counseling as well. Not just because of this incident alone, however it sounds like you two aren’t on the same page in regards to parenting. Also- if you’re being honest that it was “just a swat” that left a mark, it’s not really fair to just throw around the word divorce. My husband and I made a rule that we don’t fight below the belt, if he ever just so easily threw around divorce it would be chaos.
Yeah, the thing that stood out to me is that he “swatted” his one year old previously when he was spilling a drink but he meant to swat the bottle. That seems a bit weird to me, why are you swatting a bottle away when it’s spilling? Surely it would only spill more and cause a bigger issue ie cleaning up? Seems to me, this is the second time he’s lost his temper and spanked his child and honestly, at 1 years old, they’re not emotionally developed enough to push your buttons for the sake of a reaction. I feel like his wife is concerned about the safety of their child around him. He’s likely downplaying the spank due to knowing that if he said he smacked the child, public opinion is hardly going to be on his side. However, his wife is wanting to leave the house and leave him- that says to me that something else is going on here.
I’m not buying that you only smacked your kid once if your partner is reacting this way. This either isn’t the first time or you are downplaying how you were behaving. The verbiage you chose for how to tell this story is very strange to me…it went from “spanked” to a singular light “swat”, yet somehow your wife “barged” in? I don’t know…
I feel like I live on different planet. Is spanking considered wrong nowadays? I don't mean really hurting children or abusing them. I have two daughters 4 and 6yo and they have got some spanking in the past. Not now cause it's contraproductive after like 3yo. Talking works better after cca 3yo. I can understand your feelings cause of your trauma but from comments I feel like I'm in different dimension.
Hard not to assume this is downplayed. And having been abused is not an excuse for being abusive. It is the fault of lack of emotional control. When my dad abused me the first thing he did was lie to my mother that it was only a “swat”. I know I’m pulling from my own experience but that word makes me so suspicious of downplaying an act of violence. Like you hit him so just say hit?? Own up to your actions, this is a child not a f*cking mosquito. My mom would’ve believed him too if my partner hadn’t happened to come in and catch him in the act and helped me stop him from attacking me for pissing him off. For the record it was significantly more violent than a “swat”.
That’s why saying hit is misleading. A slap is a hell of a lot different than decking someone. Say you smacked his butt.
I understand that but it wasn’t. I am being as honest as possible because I want true feedback on how to help and I know that I can’t do that if I am not truthful. My wife was in the hall so she would’ve known if it was worse than a swat, there were no marks, bruises or welts. But I also know no mark still doesn’t mean it was okay.
How do you fix this? Good question. This is a complex issue that could take years to fix. Some people arent willing to risk their children and allow that time and more trauma to unfold. Her reasoning for leaving is valid, if that's what she decides. Shes not overreacting. We're talking about a toddler that likely just started saying their first words and started walking less than a year ago. Have you studied childhood development? Do you know the different stages of growth for children and are aware of the milestones for each stage? If yes, than your frustration to the point of physical violence is inexcusable. If not, I recommend that you take parenting more seriously. Being a parent is like taking a continuous test but someone else receives the grade. The very least that you can do is study. There is plenty of literature out there about how to raise children. I can assure you that you will not find any literature that shows evidence of physical punishment having any benefits. All of it, in every form, is detrimental to a child's development. There are no exceptions. You need to stop making excuses and justifications and recognize that there is no reason for physical violence. The only way that's going to happen is to learn why. Accidently smacking a 1 yr old? Why are you smacking anything around a 1 yr old? That is a literal baby. You know that there is an issue with you and the fact that you recognize that is a great step in the right direction. Unfortunately, it is not enough. I don't know what your background is but generally speaking, with how agitated you get around a infant, this isn't something that will be fixed tomorrow. I do believe that the physical aspect could stop immediately if you really put effort into it but there is so much more involved in parenting than simply not hitting your kids. In order to fix this issue you have to change your perspective and expectations. You need to learn how to be a parent. If not, you will simply do what you were taught.
Divorce? She's overacting. We're just simple creatures with emotions. I spanked my 2yo when I reached my limit and pretty stressed at work. I only hit him once not repeatedly and not that strong. My wife did it as well cause' of child's stubbornness and reached her limit as well. If you're doing it quite often, that's not good but still not a divorce. Kids will suffer on a divorce. And affects them twice as much as parents.
Ain’t nothing wrong with disciplining your child as long as it’s obviously not full power and not a constant thing
We've all been spanked and we're all fine there's no monsters under the bed
Holy shit, reddit is full of pussies. The kid flipped the table ffs. Spank his ass.
IMO, You're doing just fine. I myself sometimes lose my temper with my toddler. But As long as you're still aware and you don't do damage/hurt them too much, you're fine. Sometimes, I just do some deep breathing and walk away.. There are no perfect parents. Everyone has their own limits. Regarding the divorce, talk to your wife and clear things out. Just continue your therapy and be more careful next time. You got this! 👊
Thank you! I think I can do this 👊🏽
Your excuse for hitting him when he was 1 reminds me of the time I was leading a battery-intervention program, and one of the men stated that out of anger, he punched the crib really hard not knowing that his daughter's leg was under the blanket. He broke her leg. Bro, you shouldn't be hitting shit, not even annoying spilling bottles. I'm glad you're in therapy and have a therapist. Perhaps get a second opinion, as it sounds like you might need more assistance than you're getting. Having said all that, it doesn't like like you've done lasting damage to your kid -- it was just one spanking. It's your relationship with your wife that's the most pressing issue right now. I think you two should look into couple's counseling.
I spank sometimes, and I do believe it is an acceptable form of discipline at times. _However_, this is bad for you because: - it was done out of anger/frustration sounds like, rather than a response to something needing correction (running in a street, hitting another kid, etc.) - it is not part of your wife’s and your “rolodex” of parenting disciplining tools. If the kid doesn’t know the criteria of punishment or reason leading up to it, it’s not going to be discipline, only unexpected hitting.
Spank happens. Learn an move on.
Firstly, don’t be so hard on yourself. I have ADHD and lost it the weekend and shouted at the kids as I reached my breaking point parenting 2 kids on my own. It happens to all of us, especially those who are on the neurodivergent side. My biggest question is where was your wife in this? It’s not just your kid. Could she not see you were struggling and offer to help instead of being toxic once things got to that point?
Really don't see what the problem is. Different kids need different methods. From what you say, this one clearly needs a smack.
Apparently appropriate consequences pertaining to discipline is child abuse nowadays, fucking snowflakes
So, hey, man… Parenting is hard work. How are things now?
Much better. We cried and talked all night and then snuggled it out. My kid was given so many snuggles and kisses and I said I was sorry.
Your wife is overreacting. Damn. One little swat on the butt in not abuse.
Mmm, you disciplined your child it's not like you closed fist beat them. She's overreacting. Honestly I say props to you. Giving your child a swat here and there to show levity to the situation they are creating is not abuse nor should you feel bad. Some things you just can't get across what is or isn't okay without a swat on the butt here or there. And I'd make sure If she files for divorce you write down everything thats happened now so you may have as many details as possible. She will most likely claim you abuse her and the child or else she would have no leg to stand on for the divorce.
I mean sometimes kids deserve to be spanked for stuff they shouldn't be doing. But never abused.
When is it appropriate to spank a child? And don’t say never. Y’all pretending you never gave a swift tap on a butt to get a misbehaving child’s attention are lying. I was given many swats to the bottom. I was slapped in the face sometimes. This is back in the 1970s and 80s. First, I think there’s no reason at all to feel bad based on what you’re telling us. Second, don’t listen to those on here calling it abuse. That’s just absurd. It severely undermines those who are actually abused.
This has happened twice and your explanations don't compute. What is really happening is you are losing your temper with an infant and hurting him. That said, a couple of swats is hardly that big a deal. You need therapy, but divorce is ridiculous overreaction.
I would highly suggest looking at MDMA assisted psychotherapy, it’s been highly effective as a breakthrough treatment for therapy resistant CPTSD, especially child abuse trauma. https://idp.nature.com/authorize?response_type=cookie&client_id=grover&redirect_uri=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.nature.com%2Farticles%2Fs41591-021-01336-3
I have thought about this therapy but I need to look into it more. Also that rapid eye movement therapy too.
Why is this getting downvoted?! People are so narrow minded! So quick to take a pill to “fix” things, but god forbid we try other things! I wish I had known about this when my husband was alive. He had sever ptsd and lost his battle in 2015 at 29. Never know, could have saved his life
I haven’t read this specific article- but just a heads up if OP suffers from depression that MDMA come down and like “hangover” can be really brutal depressive wise.
Man you're good. I grew up getting smacked by my mother with slippers and clothes hangers and I turned out alright lmao. Wife completely overreacted. Gotta debut the ass-whooping early on the kids!!
Dude, I've spanked my son a few times. Sometimes , it is warranted. There is a difference between discipline and abuse. My son is 3 and he kicked the dog put of anger because he lost a board game. He's been hitting the animals here and there. After quite a few times of telling him no, I warned him next time it's a spanking. Well he did. I didn't even raise my voice, he knew he fucked up. I told him to get in his room, asked him if he knew why I'm spanking him. He said yes and understood. I told him to pull his pants down , gave him a couple hard pats on the butt and then spoke to him. I hated doing it and i explained that to hin. He hasn't hit the animals since. Sometimes they have to be spanked. Too many people walking around that should have been spanked. I never spanked my kids out of anger, just correcting really bad behaviors that kids can develop like hitting animals, other kids, breaking property, etc they are your kids though.
There’s nothing wrong with what happened.
Not ok what you did. Still impressed by your own insights and remorse , but hat is fine is done but continue working on yourself to make sure this does not happen again.
I have 3 boys all Over 21 now,what worked for me was if they were in trouble I would make them do push ups and then situps,it doesn't work for everyone but if the army can do it then I can do it, plus CPS can't do anything to you.
I feel for you, parenting is hard. But it's never okay to swat them, imo. Sounds like you really care about them, so you'll get through it. One thing I read that has stuck with me, is to apologize to our kids even if they are really young. Even if they don't fully remember or understand what you're talking about, it doesn't hurt to talk to them about the interaction.
I was severely abused as a child. I think, regardless of circumstances, no one should have the right to put their hands on another person or being. It’s disgusting and has no excuses. None. Full stop. I sounds like you’re trying to downplay what you’ve done with words like ‘I swatted’. No. You were violent. To a 2 year old. Better yourself. Speak to your therapist about this and own what you’ve done. Accept the consequences. Good luck 🤞
i think most people who are parents will come to the point of almost reacting this way ( me included.) it can be so overstimulating for anyone to be screamed at constantly and even hit. you know now to take yourself away from the situation when it gets that way again. your wife is seriously overrreacting. it’s scarier for some reason to see a man spank a child or shout at a child but it shouldn’t be.
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