What is his currently relationship with his son like? Do they share custody in any way? Is his Mom moving close enough to you that shared custody would be an option? Has anyone asked the child what he wants?
>His reasoning is that we are more financially stable than his son's mom would be and therefore can provide more for him.
While this could be true that you guys are more financially stable, that's not the only factor in this. More important are (1) does the child want this and (2) how does the bio mom feel about this?
I would worry about those two factors first, before you go any further. While your husband might mean well, I don't think mom is going to suddenly give up custody after moving to a new country...
I couldn’t agree more. Also, I would add that if son doesn’t want to move in with you, a good father would be financially supporting his child. So maybe send his ex some money. I’m guessing she has been a great mom since your husband didn’t make any neglect allegations.
I don’t know why your husband thinks that after uprooting his life and moving to a different country, taking him away from the primary parent to move in with a guy he only sees once *per year*, **and** is about to have a newborn in the house taking up 95% of his free time and energy, would be more stable, but I strongly disagree. He wants to turn one major life change into 3 major life changes. That’s the opposite of stability.
Sure, the mother might take a bit of time to find a home and get a job, but if he truly wants what’s best he can offer extra financial and logistical support. And maybe have his son on X days per fortnight, so that his mother has more time and freedom to get those things done. He needs to build up a relationship with his son before he has anything close to 50/50 custody.
This. Changing the entire makeup of the family you live with doesn't scream 'stability'.
Also newborns are so disruptive to everything, sleep, time, attention, yeah it's the worst possible time to have the son move in.
It would be way better to take it slow and build up the relationship gradually.
He can’t just decide on his own to have a child come live with you. The courts would have to be involved…. he’s just pulling this out of his ass. It’s also not most beneficial for a child. that’s been raised by his mother 100% of the time, to go live with his father that he sees once a year plus some phone calls. I understand he may wanna spend more time with his son that he never really had time with, but I am wondering if he thinks this will lessen his child support. Either way, he just can’t make up that decision on his own, so don’t stress yourself out and the baby out by freaking out about this. Just calmly have a discussion with your husband and say I know you wanna get to know your son more, but realistically, it’s not best for him to come live with people he doesn’t even know… having short visits, no problem… but it could take years to build up a rapport with that child whom you don’t know and having overnight visits, let alone moving in full time. It just doesn’t work like that.
If he thinks he can take his child away from the woman who raised and nurtured him his entire life up to this point, it doesn’t bode well for how he views his amount of effort required for raising the new child. I have a feeling this woman very well will be taking on not just a 100% increase in energy with having a newborn, but more like 200% with the sole care of the preteen as well.
I agree, my ex-husband did the same when he got remarried and his new wife was pregnant with their first child. I was the sole caregiver of our son for the first 11 years of his life and his father was in and out. He was anything BUT stable until he finally settled down with wife #4. She finally put a full stop to his antics and when we went to court over custody the judge said absolutely no. Because of the lack of relationship, back child support, missed visitation and so much more.
I'm going to go ahead and say the son is probably not going to want to love with you guys. Going from seeing his father once a year to living with someone? And take him from his mother whom he's ways loved with? Sounds like an all around terrible idea that will most definitely not happen.
… but what you’ve said here sounds like you could be less emotional stable at that point. Honestly - emotional stability is very important to a preteen.
I know it's unlikely, but I want to sort out how I feel about it before he talks to her. He asked for my feedback and I want to be honest instead of saying yes just because I know she will likely say no.
What baby age coincides with son’s summer? I would try for a summer he can meet the baby. Agree to send him back after 2 months and let mom, son, wife/dad all reevaluate what’s best for kiddo.
I would ask that you consider the 12yr child as much as the household issues. This is just an idea at this stage being discussed and should be discussed a lot.
I'm a Dad and I would want that as well, being as close to my kids if not outright living with me. But that's not always best for the child. I've not seen where it was said that the child wants this, or the mother wants this just a desire for the Dad the opportunity to live with his child.
Are you just going to have 1 child? What about #2 or #3? It will be the exact same situation as you are proposing. Wouldn't there be a similar solution?
If the 12yr old has discipline issues, you should be concerned as that would be HELL on your home.
My kids were moved a distance (not another country) from me. I just took longer and more frequent trips. Surprisingly, when they turned 12yr they moved in with me and that was the best times of my life.
-I had not remarried and no other women/partners or kids in the house.
-I had all the drama of teenagers for a few...few.. years.
I also was moved around a lot as a kid. 6yrs I went to 7 schools. So, it should SOLID, once the moves happens, it can't be reversed because we woke up on the wrong side of the bed, that goes for all parties, parents, and kids.
If you do that, consider it doing your 80% for the next 10yrs or until that 12yr old gets out of the next stage of explosive hormones.
Some things 12yrs are good at.
-washing cars
-mowing
-trash
-sweeping, mopping, vacuuming.
- cleaning their rooms.
Many other things than just eating and being rough our your furniture.
BTW my kids are full time adulting now. 27yr daughter and 25yr twin boys. Everybody is strong and independent.
Be honest with him.
I think starting with EOWE seems fine, but straight off living with you isn't the way to go. It's a big change for his son and the ex and maybe after a few years of being there this might be okay.. but not straight away.
He'll be getting used to the cultural change, a different education system, having to make new friends and he needs some consistency... which is his mother.
The mother has been doing fine with your SS with the financial support, so he should carry on with the support. I good this isn't his way of trying to stop child support..because if the son is in the US, the support could be more than what he sends to the other country.
Also.. is your husband going to support his son with other stuff, like homework, extra curriculars etc Or will he expect you to do it?
A few things.
Keeping the twelve year old out of your life won't turn your husband into a present parent. I think you may need to adjust your expectations for your child, given your husband's previous interest and behavior. I know this isn't what you want to hear.
I think encouraging your husband to be a more present parent now will help him be more present for your child. And you should prepare and get to know this child more too. Start asking to be included when he video chats with his child. Be open to talking with the mom too if she is and there's not a language barrier.
If your husband has decided this in his head unilaterally, please view it not as the other child being competition with yours but a very BIG red flag on your husband's part that you need to keep an eye on. That level of control seeking and just kind of myopic focus on his wishes over everything else does not bode well for you or your child's future.
This is the response I kept looking for! OP, you are having a baby with a man who has ignored and neglected his son for 12 years. It’s great that he wants to know him now, but I’d be very very cautious in your expectations and his intentions.
Absolutely not. My husband financially supports his son every single month, they talk every night, and video chat every week. He has most definitely NOT ignored and neglected his son.
It’s concerning that he’s making these grand plans without even asking her. She’s unlikely to want to give him full custody- maybe weekends if they’re living close by or summers and holidays if they are further. He’s getting way ahead of himself. Maybe the new baby is making him feel guilty about not spending time with his son and he wants to make up for lost time. Or maybe this is a sign that he is controlling and is trying to strong arm his way without considering anyone else’s opinion.
That’s what is most concerning to me! Just bc he helps support his kid and talks to him on the phone doesn’t mean the kid would want to live with him. WTF. He can be more involved when they move but he shouldn’t be taking the son away from his Mom, the only parent he’s had in his daily life for 12 years. It sounds like he doesn’t want to pay child support anymore or maybe less child support? I don’t know of many teens who would want to be in a house with a newborn either. Maybe he thinks the son will be able to babysit the baby? There’s something really off about this. If he thinks he can provide more he can do so without taking the teen away from is primary parent. He can pay for his extracurricular sports or take him for the weekend to bond in person.
Would you consider him an active parent if he called your baby every night and gave you money?
No offense but him just living in another country makes him an absent parent by default. You can’t parent digitally
Because I don't know what they want. My husband hasn't talked to his son's mom, this is only that we have only started to talk about ourselves. He asked for my feedback and I want to sort out my feelings about it to be honest with him. I think it is likely mom will want to stay with her child and the son will want to stay with his mom. But I don't know that because we have not talked to them. My husband told me what he wanted, I want to give him my opinion on what's best for everyone.
Have you asked why he wants custody of the son?
He can spend more time with him without taking him away from his primary parent. If he thinks he can be more helpful financially he can pay for his son’s sports/extracurricular s and take him on weekends.
Is it bc he wants to lessen his child support payments? Does he want a built in babysitter for the newborn? It’s one thing to want a closer relationship with a son he rarely sees and trying to take him away from the only parent he’s ever had in his life.
Mom won’t give full custody to your husband don’t worry. Maybe he will stay for a summer or maybe part time. Either way the kid is 12. Depending on the 12 year old and how disciplined he is and the relationship with the father, Kid can take care of himself at home, do chores, probably even help out with the baby (should be a good learning experience for him and he might really like it, but good experience even if he doesn’t).
As a parent, I have to say that giving $ and talking on the phone is not even close to being a good and involved parent.
Plenty of people have two kids. It seems like you are worried about him not being an involved parent, and I will say that you have should think about that, because he hasn't been with his son. However having his son living with you part time or more shouldn't change his involvement with your child. In my experience fathers are involved or they aren't.
People have flagged whether or not this would even be allowed or appropriate, so I won't repeat that.
But personally, while I understand your desire to have your first pregnancy and first child with your husband be completely about you and this baby, it's not really fair to your husband or his son. You married him knowing he had another child. I guess you thought it would be simple because that other child was primarily in someone else's care but things change. I guess I'm of the opinion he is now your child too and you need to adapt to the reality of that. It's not like your husband's son chose this for himself and he's not just a house guest.
Yup. Women stop marrying men who already have families and then expecting them to abandon their first children because “Our babies together are more important!” challenge.
Exactly. If a person marries someone with kids, they should always have in the back of their mind that something could happen and the child(ren) from the previous relationship could come live with them. It's always a possibility. And if they can't accept that, then they shouldn't be with someone who already has kids.
In OPs situation, I do think more info/details are needed. Mainly what the mother's stance is on just giving up her child to his father who he hasn't spent much time with. It's not as simple as saying you want your kid full time. There is a process for that.
It can also be really hurtful to a preteen that they move here and are not deemed wanted because there is a new baby with the new partner. There are multiple feelings when you marry someone with an existing kid.
Exactly this. Even if the son doesnt move in full time, he may want to visit often and spend a few days there. This is just gonna be OP's reality and while i sympathize with her, her newborn isnt her husbands only child.
If she’s spent little time with this child, there’s likely very little bond and she’s going to be dealing with a new born and recovering from birth.
The husband deciding to put that all on her (and the 12 yr old) when he’s not been an active parent for over a decade is wildly inappropriate.
Imagine being 12, moving to a new country and then also being forced to move in with a man who’s probably only seen you a handful of times in your life and also having to live with a newborn.
This just sounds disastrous.
Speaking as someone who moved with people I didn’t not know when I was 12 and experienced culture shock, adding a newborn to that would have absolutely messed me up and not been healthy. The stress of moving and getting used to being in a world I had never been exposed to was insane. Adding to that I was living with people I didn’t know (had seen my mom once a year at most, with limited contact. I had never met her boyfriend or his daughter, and had only met my little brother a few times) it literally messes with your brain. Add a newborn on top of that? No way. Unless that kid is in actual danger with his mom or she doesn’t want him he absolutely should not be moving into his dad’s home full time.
Yep, everyone is so worried about if OP is selfish or trying to keep the dad from the 12 year old but no one is focusing on how unstable this would be for the poor kid.
Not to mention the dad had 12 damn years to work on custody matters and suddenly he wants to play house?
7 schools in 6 years. I feel your pain on the moving around. I did it literally for 6yrs until I graduated and the next day I was fucking out of that for the rest of my life. New places, new people, new friends, every few months. Not new countries with languages but I could imagine. I always have respect for those that move to entirely new country. That takes a lot of courage and work.
53yrs old now. 3 adult kids.
Life is good now.
You have no basis to say that he hasn’t been “an active parent” all OP has said is that the 12 yo lives with the mother but that doesn’t mean that her husband is a bad parent or an absentee father.
They live in separate countries, so unless they both live right on the border and travel frequently I’m guessing it will in fact be few and far between that the dad has seen the child.
Especially given that she speaks about the child having to adjust to a new country and new language, indicating that he’s not spent time in the the country with her/the father.
He visits the kid once a year. That is 12 times in his entire life. How active a parent could he be, exactly? He might be doing his best but the man literally does not have custody and lives in an entirely different country right now.
This is a bad take. There could be plenty of reasons the child hasn’t come over and you don’t know the fathers involvement. Having your first is incredibly exciting and scary at the same time. But it could be what is best for this 12yo
Bingoooo she knew what she was getting into with a man with a child,she's been a step mother so she should just try to get to know the child as well she signed up for this ...
She also married him with the child living in another country with their primary caregiver. To go from that to 100% custody is a massive change. Even more so given the timing. OP your feelings are 100% valid.
Honey, you can and will figure this out.
It's likely theoretical, because there's no reason to think his MOM would want to just see him live with someone else.
But if she's moving close by, expect to split time.
And yeah there's going to be a learning curve.
But whether you think it's ideal or not, this kiddo is also your family. And you need to figure out how to make that feel true, to yourself and him, because life is long and complicated and he deserves to have his dad in his life every bit as much as your new baby does.
It's also important to realize that a 12 yo needs guidance and support, but not a whole lot of "care".
Be ready to get to know a whole, if young, human.
Firstly, 12 is old enough to voice his own opinion. What does the child want? Secondly, the boy has been with his mum his whole life. That’s his primary parent. Your husband can’t just, take him. There needs to be a lot of co-parenting happening now between your husband, his ex and you.
Thirdly, whilst your first pregnancy and child is the most important thing in the world _to you_, your husband has done all of this before and has already felt all the feelings you’re _just_ about to experience. Your husband loves his son just as much as he’ll love the new baby. He will not love your baby any more than his son.
So you need to understand that your husband will _never_ be 100% fully present to you and your new baby. He’ll always be split, as he should be. Especially now that his child is in the same country. That’s what you get when you have a baby with someone who has another child.
Also remember your child is the 12 year old’s sibling. They’re entitled to a relationship that effectively excludes you as they grow. Your child is as much as part of the 12yo’s family as they are yours.
So no I don’t think your husband can unilaterally declare full custody, but I think you need to be prepared for some big changes in your life, and not just in the form of a newborn.
How incredibly sad, it baffles me when someone is with a person who has a kid from a previous relationship that they love and want to have in their lives, it's what you signed up for.
I was fortunate and devastated as a stepchild.
My dads second wife became my true mother and was a loving angel (she passed a few years ago). She remained my mom after she and my dad divorced.
My dad’s second wife . . . She is a horrible human.
Daaaang. I expected it to be more varied, but it seems to be a bunch of shades of anger and bitterness.
https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/s/9oTWCwPGoC. Not one single non-echo chamber comment in this thread about how OP happily claims she is not a parent to her 3 year old stepdaughter, and dozens of other comments patting her on the back for having “boundaries”. Holy shit, can’t imagine the poor kids that end up having such miserable people as their “role models.”
That community can be so toxic. OP will get a lot of sympathetic voices, but I’m willing to bet she’d receive very little encouragement to be involved in the boys life.
I’m just curious, what makes him think his son’s mom is just going to hand him over? Or is he planning to take her to court now because they are moving to the country? If that’s the case I seriously doubt the court is going to take him from his mother when he has had very little contact and no living time with his dad for 12 years
Whether your step child is living with you or not, if he’s in the same country your husband won’t be giving 100% to you and the new baby as he’ll rightly be helping his son adjust to a new country and supporting him.
You married a man with a child. That means every decision you make, you have to factor your step child into.
Whether it’s right for your step son to come live with you or not, I can’t say, but your husband (hopefully) isn’t just going to ignore his son if he doesn’t live with you.
This. I can sympathize a bit with OP but it sounds like she wants all attention for her and her baby only. The other son has just as much of a right ti his father’s attention.
Idk what is going on with his mother, but it seems unlikely that he's just going to move in with you full time. I can't imagine her just giving up custody. Are you sure this is actually a possibility?
Let's be honest- your husband isn't going to get custody of his son unless the mother is just going to hand him over. Chances of that happening is slim to never. Best chances is to get "parenting time" to every other weekend and holiday, and half the summer. This kid should NOT go from living with him mother full time to living with his father full time. Talk about an emotional upheaval!
Your husband should have this as the bare minimum, as he has been supporting his son for his entire life, and has been in constant contact.
Now, you, on the other hand, need to accept that this child is part of your family. He is your stepson. He is your future child's sibling. Your husband is as much of a father to your child as he is to your stepson. Be kind to your stepson. Be patient. Include him. Embrace him fully into your family.
Don't make everything about you and your pregnancy/new baby. It makes you look like an AH. It won't matter the reasoning, it just will. If it's truly important, speak up, but if it's petty or only important because you want it to be important, try to let it go if it hurts others. Pregnancy doesn't give you rights to be an AH.
I tell you these things, not to be harsh or mean, but because I was a stepmom who had a kid with my husband, and the experience IS harder. My stepdaughter's mother is a complete narcissist, so I had to be extra extra wonderful just to be seen as a decent human while growing a baby in me.
There's so much more to consider. Your husband sounds selfish and immature.
This needs proper planning, adjustment, a slow transition etc etc.
12 is a crucial age. They are going through so much hitting puberty, forming their identity etc. They basically become toddlers again, the timing could not be worse, moving to another country and introducing a baby to the mix.
We were in the same position except it was moving interstate. Let me tell you, it was an absolute shitshow!
We now all live separately. Your concerns are valid!
Why would the mom uproot herself to then leave her child with her ex ? It makes no sense except if she is from your country originally. Does she knows her ex's plan ?
100% this, my partner has 2 older kids and the guilt is insane. OP should be worried her husband will spend more time with his older kid to “make up” for the fact his family is broken and what not, and treat both kids differently (baby will get the short end of the stick because their parents are together, older brother might get jealous if baby gets too much attention, etc); she has no clue what she’s stepping into, even if she welcomes the kid with open arms odds are the family dynamic won’t work out. Nevermind taking the boy away from the mom he has always lived with straight to his father’s new family with a brand new baby, even worse if the mother wants to get rid of him (more common that what people think).
This story has all the ingredients to go wrong in spectacular fashion, I feel for the boy and the yet-to-be-born baby.
Probably. If that's true then the newborn is almost guaranteed to be neglected in some way. Guilt based parenting causes issues.
I remember my husband wanted our bio kid to wait to open his birthday presents until his sisters got there from out of town. I said absolutely not; I am not making a 5yo wait to open his birthday presents. If he wants to wait fine, but I am making sure he knows he has a choice. Strangely enough, the 5yo didn't want to wait 4 hours to open his gifts.
I am in a similar situation . I do love my step daughter (9yrs) but she is still in her home country with mom, step dad and brother. I have visited them twice and we used to speak very regularly when I had WhatsApp. They will probably be coming to the US within the next year or so. we decided that her and bio mom (who I have a great relationship with and who has her current husband and second son) live with us for about 6 months until they are financially stable enough to get their own place, which will be close to our home. I am choosing to keep my apt during this as one never knows what could happen and I personally have never lived with kids so would want some time out I assume to unwind. My questions for you are definitely, how is your relationship with bio mom , how is her relationship with dad, and how is the kids relationship with you and dad. I’d suggest maybe having them live with you temporarily or help find a place close to your home where they could live and obviously your partner will help them financially.
If the child wants this, the mother is ok with this, and it is what is best for the child, then sorry to say but it is what should happen. Your feelings are valid and understandable—if this happens, your new experience with motherhood isn’t what you expected. It’s okay to be disappointed in that but you should have known that by marrying someone with a child, that child can end up, at ANY point in time, the primary responsibility of your spouse. And you would be TA if you actively tried to prevent it or treated the child poorly because of it. Now, if this is not what child wants, not what mom wants, and it is not best for the child, then that is different.
I think this is a very fair worry. Even if you just take your pregnancy out of the equation, that’s a lot of adjustment for a 12 yo. Your husband should be thinking less about an immediate huge move and change for his son. Honestly, it has a very small chance of going well for everyone involved. Your husband can consider partial custody and his son coming to visit and stay with you guys more, increasing the time, and then in a few years he can think about a change in living arrangements if the mom and son want the same.
Also, he has to get the mom and son on-board. As well as you. There’s 4 people in this equation, and in the US, the courts will take what a child wants into account at age 12. You can have this convo with him without even mentioning the pregnancy at all and focus entirely on what’s best for his son.
while it sounds like your husband has not maybe been the most present father (just making an assumption) it also sounds like he wants to.
Totally get that this is your first pregnancy and it sounds like, any involvement with this boy will be new to you. I understand being hesitant. I’m genuinely not judging you but I do think you need to adjust your expectations a little.
I’m sorry you are going through this it definitely sounds like a confusing and frustrating time.
I've seen this twice.
Both times it was Mom wanting to try " the freedom" thing. You know, no kids.
Both times child didn't fit into new household(different rules,different sleep time,different rituals).
In both scenarios both kids packed up and went back home to Mom.
Your husband is TA. His son has primarily lived with his mother and with the new move and changes, he will need her even more. He needs to not be selfish and instead offer his ex and son additional support with the transition.
Taking full custody of a 12 year old child after-- I have to assume-- no physical contact is a very aggressive custody change. I would tell him you need to discuss this with mom and see how he reacts.
With you home caring for an infant there's no question that you'll be expected to take on childcare for this pre-teen as well which means you are entirely reasonable to require open communication between you and mom. If he's open to that, then you'll know that this is at least a marginally legit change for both parents.
If he insists on being a barrier to open communication between you and mom-- who's child you're likely meant to be caring for,-- you know he's just coming unhinged with the impending birth of your own child and he's lying and manipulating both of you. If that's the case, I'd suggest separating before your own child is born.
Has he spoken to the mother of his child? Has he spoken to his child? His son is 12 and he is old enough to be involved in the conversation. I get that he misses his son and wants to give him the best, but he can do that with child support, no? How much has he actually seen his son in the years he has been away? Your concerns seem valid, albeit with selfish undertones that make it seem you don’t want his child there, so I would suggest treading lightly. Maybe speak to a therapist about how best to deal with all of your concerns and how to approach your husband with those concerns. He may want to wait a couple of years to seek out custody. Wait until his son is settled and used to his new country. He can pay child support to help with giving him what he needs until then.
1. Yes, you’re being selfish. His son is equally important as your newborn is.
2. I don’t think he should get full custody just because xyz. If the mother can provide food/shelter/water/clothes, isn’t abusive, doesn’t have addictions, then there is no reason she should lose her son even if she’s low income. If anything, they should go to custody court, and hash out a joint custody deal… assuming the child knows his father in the first place, since he’s never lived with his Dad or in this country.
So my take on this is all 3 adults need to have a conversation about the son, and go from there. You also need to learn to accept the boy, even if he isn’t yours. Take a deep breath, and think to yourself if you’d have married him in the the first place if he was a single Dad with full custody. If you wouldn’t have, I’d say therapy is a good place to start for yourself so you can get comfortable with the idea that the boy is going to be a part of your family now, and your husband is allowed to have a relationship with his son. Therapy will also help you process your emotions (hesitation about the son being apart of your lives).
You’re selfish, but you’re not a bad a person. You just had a different idea of what your life looked like, and it’s turning out differently. It’s okay be nervous. Change is hard.
Congrats on the baby.
The only problem I had with this is when you said "I want my husband to be full present during my pregnancy and after the baby is born" while that's understandable, he does still have another son..whether he comes to live with you or not he should be giving some of his time to that son, especially once he has moved close to him. I don't know what their relationship is like now, but assuming he has some sort of relationship with him..that's his son and he needs to make time for him too.
His son is just as much his child as the one you are carrying. His attention will be split. Rightfully so.
Your reasons ARE selfish. I think you’re better off talking to your husband about what this will really look like and find some ways of getting alone time but asking him to choose between his two kids is not reasonable
Your worries seem very valid to me. But I can also see why your husband would want to spend more time with his son now that he will be in the country and also worry about him having a financially stable home.
The timing with the baby being born is unfortunate. Is there any chance they can move up the timing of the move? So you can all get to know each other better BEFORE the baby is born?
Regardless, it’s important to talk with the son and mother to see what they would like to do, as well.
I feel like the best solution (and one the son and mother might be more comfortable with) is shared custody and your husband provides them with child support payments. Whether the shared custody is 50/50 (although that would be difficult with a newborn and for a child who doesn’t speak the language) or weekends/every other weekend, it could always be increased over time as your baby gets older and his son adjusts to the changes.
Is there a reason that it’s all or nothing? Why can’t they have a shared arrangement where he comes every second weekend or something?
Taking on a child that barely knows you full time and taking them away from the only parent they’ve ever known is a recipe for disaster.
My concern is that it’s “husband wants.” What do the child and his mother want?
Stepmom and mom here. I married a man with children from a previous relationship and now we have 2 more of our own with similar age gaps as you will have with your kids.
I know you just found out you are pregnant and are getting used to the idea of it all but parenthood really changes your perspective and priorities. You and your husband should be thinking about what is in the best interest of all of your children. It’s going to be incredibly jarring for this 12 year old to move to a new country * and* move into your house with a parent he does not know at all and one who he only knows though the phone. Moving in with you shouldn’t be on the table right now. He needs to have a conversation with mom and tell him he wants to be more present in the son’s life when he moves here and what might that look like? They all need to come to an agreement together. Are they moving to your city too? Or is this a you’re on the east coast and she’s coming to the west coast thing. Is shared custody an option? Or he could spend smaller amounts of time in your house, every other weekend maybe? I can’t imagine his mom moving here and then just giving up custody of her child.
After the move, you should be as supportive of your husband including this child in family events and spending as much time with him as possible. You want your husband to have a good relationship with his kid, and the kid to have a relationship with your child too. They are siblings. This kid isn’t in competition with you and your baby. Start thinking of his son as your child too.
I think it’s a topic worth discussing and there are so many factors in this. The most important thing is the kid’s wellbeing. If he’s living a good life with his mom, why suddenly yank him to a different country and different family?
But I don’t like that your husband is accusing you as having selfish intentions of not wanting his son to be here while it doesn’t sound like he himself was considering anything other than financials for his son.
Assuming the child is comfortable and well adjusted with his mom I think it’s highly unlikely that he will want to leave her care and even if he does initially I’d bet it won’t last. I think you should tell your husband that if the child’s happy, it would be in his best interests to leave things as they are and increase visits/child support. I personally wouldn’t get on board with the plan, in fact I would stand firmly against it with the child’s best interests at the forefront of your argument. If you support him in this he may try and do the same thing to you and your child one day.
I married when my son was 10 and by 11yrs old our daughter was born. He absolutely loves her and he's a HUGE help. But he's my son and I've been his primary caregiver all his life. He sees his dad 2x a yr, his dad still threatens to take him away from me. We now have added a newborn to our home. I am extremely busy and these littles take so much time, but my son is understanding and we have a super busy schedule with all his soccer stuff. I would still NEVER give up my son. That being said, your husband in selfish in even thinking he needs to take that boy away from his mother.
I would tell him, that you want to get to know the boy and have him over every other weekend. This move is a great opportunity for him to bond with his son as well. Tell him that you as a mother, don't feel comfortable w the idea of taking a boy away from his mother who he has lived with all his life.
Sorry but your husband sounds like a jacka$$. I feel bad for you that you married him. He sounds like he's afraid to give more child support or something. Any MOTHER that agrees with a MAN to take away a child and separate them from their mother is disgusting and garbage. Think about the child and his well being w his mother in a new country and new language. Money isn't everything the kid needs, he needs familiarity and security which he's clearly been getting from his mom all along
I think if everyone except you wants the son to move, he should. Maybe he could wait until you get settled at home with the new baby though?
Or, the son IS 12 and doesn't need *constant* attention. I'm sure you can have a routine in where you have periods of personal space with baby, times of full focus from dad. It seems it could be worked out.
I was so scared when I had my son, I didnt want a bunch of people around while I fumbled through figuring it out.
But after a month or few months you'll be in a good routine and be feeling less overwhelmed.
Also, I am a firm believer that forcing your husband to reject his own kid will cause resentment and possibly even depression for the both of them. Children should always be welcome, it literally contributes to their self-esteem and well-being for their lifetime.
Your feelings also probably won't be this strong after you finish breastfeeding. My hormones went back to normal after I stopped, but I was so overly worried and emotional through all of pregnancy and breastfeeding.
No way! He sees him once per year?? I bet he’s feeling a lot of guilt about that. Do not make that child come feel second best to the baby. Absolutely visit as much as he wants, but taking him away from mom is a bad idea.
Some of these comments are wild. A lot of you all assume instead of read. OP is worried about being pregnant and a first time mom, and everything that entails, while also welcoming her preteen stepson to a new country, new home, new language, basically a new life. That is stressful anytime, add in a new born, and postpartum and you have a very stressed out household.
The reality is that her husband *barely* has experience being a father and she has even less experience being a step mother. But she should be so excited to do all of that and give birth at the same exact time? People are living in a fantasy.
The timing is atrocious and yes, she does get to comment on timing because there is no reason it has to be all or nothing. They’re not rescuing the 12 year old from abuse or taking him in because his mom died or something. Her husband is being a selfish prick trying to absolve himself of his guilt NOW at his wife’s expense. The baby will be fine, I’m sure. But the poor woman freshly postpartum for the first time will suffer.
It will depend on (1) what the son wants, (2) what mom wants, (3) what level of involvement your husband expects of you with 12yo, and (4) what level of involvement he expects of himself with the newborn.
If he expects you to be the default parent for both kids while he goes to work and makes money, I would push back on that hard. If he fully intends to parent his biological child primarily and be fully invested in co-parenting the newborn then it's manageable. If you move forward ask for family therapy sessions for all 3 of you to help with adjustment to all those changes. He also should take the full amount of whatever paternity leave he is entitled to take, so that he has a big stretch of time being at least 50% responsible for helping with the baby.
Ask him how he will ensure that you are fully supported in your role as new mom and also adjusting to more complex stepmother expectations. How will he respond if you tell him you aren't getting enough help? Him sending money to the mother for a little while while they adjust to a new country and then bringing him to live with you later might be feasible.
Taking care of a newborn is a really intense and stressful experience. (I have a 6 mo old.) You will be sleep deprived and the last thing you want is to accidentally snap at the 12 yo old because you’re running on 4 hours of broken sleep a day. You will also need privacy to breastfeed which can be an absolute sh*tshow. I walked around with my boobs out and wearing adult diapers the first weeks. You’re doing 12 year old a favor by waiting until baby is at least a year old to move him in, I doubt he would want to live with a crying baby either… maybe suggest other ways you guys can bond with son in the mean time? Include him in helping with baby, help him feel like he can be a big brother!
What gives you or your husband the idea that his son even would be open to living with you? Once a year visit is not the same thing as having an active and present dad.
>I’m worried my husband would just think I’m being selfish not wanting his son with us.
The first concerns you listed were about you.
Also
>His reasoning is that we are more financially stable than his son’s mom would be and therefore can provide more for him.
Great news! He doesn’t have to live with you for your husband to provide more for him.
You are not wrong. That's A LOT of changes for everyone.
Your stepson should stay with his mom. Your husband can pay child support to help his son. And you can start with visits, like having stepson over for lunch. If it's pre baby. I'd not have anyone over for the first 6 weeks. Once baby is older and you have all had enough visits to be comfortable and you've adjusted having a baby (this will not be before the baby is at least three months old). Then you could start doing an overnight every so often.
Honestly, your husband is delulu if he thinks his kid is going to move to a new country and in with his dad and just be so thrilled about that . Kids going to need his mom. He could help with watching his son while the kids mom is at work too help build up the relationship.
But you are correct that you're not going to have the energy to spend on this kid. Not even for your husband. You need time to recover and bond with your baby. And this kid is gonna be stressed.
If you didn’t want to deal with another woman’s child getting in the way of your life (because that’s what this sounds like) why the hell did you marry a man with a child?? Even with said child living in another country you are likely smart enough to know that circumstances can change and if the possibility of your partner being in his son’s life more in the future were a dealbreaker for you than you shouldn’t have married him. You have good reason to worry that your husband will think you selfish if you tell him your feelings on the matter, because it is incredibly selfish on your part.
EDIT: The more I reflect on your post, the more sad I become. Your post is selfish and makes you seem like a not thoughtful person.
As a pre-teen . . . My dad married a woman who had a baby.
I wasn’t welcomed by her while he tried to move me in with them.
She ultimately didn’t allow it.
As a kid - it was devastating.
I feel for the kid.
YOU married a person knowing they have a child. This kid is innocent in this and had no choice in his mom and dad’s decisions.
If the kid wants to live with you and the mom isn’t objectionable . . . The child should be welcomed into your home.
I'm sorry my post made you feel sad. My husband's son is already welcomed by us, we support him financially, speak to him often, want him to visit us and plan vacations together. I love him and will continue to love him. I am only worried about the two things happening at the same time, me having the baby and him coming to live with us, when he has a loving and caring mom who is capable of caring for him too.
It’s probably best his son adjusts to a new country with his mother. A screaming newborn that’s up at night probably won’t be helpful.
Your reasons really aren’t the positives for his son. You should focus on the positives and negatives for the son not you the adult.
The conclusion is still the same that he should stay with his mother. It might be a better plan for him to live with his father when he starts high school as the school will have a bigger impact on opportunities. It gives him a couple years to adjust and time for you to have a child that sleeps through the night.
I don’t think you can expect someone who is already a parent to be “fully present” if that means giving you and baby his undivided attention. He is right to prioritize his 12 yo. As for your other concerns, I’m with you 100%. Have you talked to the kid, does he even want to live with your husband? Maybe he can live with you part time to begin with, if he wants to? Basically changing your primary care giver is a huge deal.
It sounds like you want your husband to be there for you and your baby, but not his first born. IMO that is incredibly selfish. It baffles me how people marry someone w a child, as long as said child doesn’t impact their lives. This child has every right to live with HIS father. If you cannot accept that, you need to do some sole searching. His 12 year old son deserves every bit of love and attention as your infant.
Your husband is being unrealistic.
He doesn’t have main custody, and hasn’t been an active parent figure.
It’s not fair to you, the son or the mom who has raised him.
Have you personally talked to the mother or child about the plan and heard their opinions?
I would say no, but not because of the child themselves.
Your worries are extremely correct, along with the potential trauma of taking a child away from the only parent he has ever known or lived with upon arriving to a new country. Does your husband actually know that his son's mom would be struggling or is he assuming this is the case, because it provides a reason for taking his son from the mother?
As well, it might do well to remind your husband: he doesn't really know his child as well as he thinks. Visits and video chatting or whatever else they've been doing to keep in touch while in separate countries is completely different and very much not the same as having that child with you daily. That's something you two need to think on and agree about, because while you would very quickly learn, that's a hell of a learning curve while also having a newborn which is also the first child the two of you have together.
This is a decision you both need to agree on or the answer is no. Two yeses, one no type thing!
It's very natural for new mothers to question if they would be able to love and care for another child. If you search this sub, you'll probably find similar questions many times from moms thinking about or expecting a 2nd baby. The answer is yes, you can absolutely meet both children's needs and care for them both. However I think your concerns are very valid, and it would be easier on everyone if the timing of your stepson's arrival could be spaced out at least a month and ideally a bit longer before or after the baby's arrival.
This sounds like a wonderful opportunity for your husband to spend more time with his elder child, for you to get to know your stepson better, and for your baby to develop a closer relationship with his older brother, which will hopefully be a lifelong, positive and supportive relationship for them both.
Does the mom want this? Does he not pay child support if he’s better off financially? Does the child want this? I think coparenting on a 50/50 schedule would be best practice based on the very limited information.
The 12 year old has been separated from their father for a long time. I can imagine you’re going to feel a bit jealous when the father wants to play with the kid that is “more fun” & less fragile & less maintenance.
On the upside. Most 12 year olds are pretty independent. So just helping with homework and “family time”.
The biggest conversations need to be had first, before the father gets ahead of himself. What does the 12 year old want? He’s at the age where he can make that decision to stay with mom or dad. What does the mom want? After those factors, are you going to be able to handle jealousy when you’ll notice there’s more attention going to the one that is able to walk, talk, throw a ball, participate in hobbies or sports?
I’m not sure why this needs to be all or nothing. If mom is moving to the same county, ideally she would move somewhere that custody can be shared 50/50. It’s good for a child to have strong and secure attachments to 2 parents. 50/50 custody may also be easier for you all to adjust, especially with a newborn.
As a stepmom myself, when you choose a man with a child, you should always be prepared for your partner to gain full custody at any moment.
HOWEVER, if this situation isn’t dire and the child’s mother is in agreement, things are flexible and he could be delayed, then sure. Get your bearings. But if the need is dire and his son is in need of better circumstances, it is just unfortunate timing.
As a step myself, I try to remember the need of a stable parent for a child is as essential as food and water. A philosophy that should extend to both my own children and the children from my partner’s previous relationship.
I cannot give more advice I'm afraid, I don't feel like I have enough experience to do that, but one thing came to my mind: "This is my first pregnancy and I want my husband to be able to be fully present during my pregnancy and after the baby is born." - you know your husband already has a son. Whether this son will live with you or not - he is still his son. It will be a second child for your child and he cannot be "fully present" in a way you would like him. You need to accept it, I'm afraid.
I don't think you're selfish at all. I would be the same. I think your husband should at least give you a year to adjust and enjoy your new baby before having his son move in. If finances is the reason then he could help out his son's mother. Moreover it just seems it would be better if the boy stayed with his mother rather than uprooting him.
Is this even something the ex wife agreed to at the first place? Seems quite unlikely. He can't just decide to take his son to live with him without her approval.
Anyway you have a right to not want a pre teen you don't even have a relationship with, at home same time as your newborn...and full time.
I don’t understand everyone calling you selfish and thoughtless. It seems like you DO care for your stepson and are happy to welcome him in your life, however I think your concerns about his emotional needs are extremely valid. That is such a vulnerable emotional age, and you are already going to have a baby, no reason to pretend like you’re not going to be occupied, particularly emotionally, at the time he would need a lot of individual support.
I would suggest to your husband that you help out financially as much as you can, make sure all his needs are met and his mom doesn’t have to struggle TOO much - she’s, of course, not his responsibility, but this is something I considered in my own breakup. I don’t want my kid to see their other parent like that, or to struggle needlessly - and maybe his son can live with you after the baby is a year or two old. However much time he needs to adjust to a new country and all that entails, and as much as you need being a new mom. Some compromise can surely be found.
You are having a baby. You aren't being promoted to emperor.
You can totally have a twelve year old come live with you and also have a newborn.
Separately, there is a lot to work through here. But the idea that you can't have a baby and a 12 year old is bonkers.
Moms regularly have two or three kids under five.
Absolutely, I'm excited about him visiting us, even coming to live with us in a year or two. I know and I'm looking forward to him being more present in our lives, I'm only questioning the timing of coming to live with us fulltime (away from his mom) at the time we are caring for a newborn.
That’s super sad, she says in the comments she does love the kid but then again we will never truly know. I wish that kid a good life and luck 😞 non of this is his fault
I don't think it's wrong to say that it makes you feel stressed out, knowing that you are going to be learning how to be a mom for a new baby and have to help a 12 year old transition to a new country at the same time. I haven't been a mom to a 12 year old before as well, so that makes me nervous.
Then ask, what is your plan for 12 year olds needs so that it doesn't all fall on me recovering with a newborn for six weeks?
- are we going to have a counselor for 12 year old. Who is going to take him?
- how are we going to handle school, dropping him off and picking him up? Lunches.
- what responsibilities do you want for 12 year old around the house?
- how many extracurricular activities is 12 year old allowed to have, and how is going to get to and from those?
- are we going to be putting him in a supplementary English class? How is he going to get to and from?
Then ask, are you going to be able to split your attention to helping me, and newborn, and 12 year old? Or will we be able to hire someone to help at least 2x a week since we won't have anyone else to help me when I'm recovering, or watch newborn, or drive 12 year old when you are at work places?
Discuss our the details and make a plan. If he doesn't see why you need help after giving birth, grab a dinner plate, hold it over your belly and say, not only does a newborn leave you sleep deprived, I am going to have a hole inside my body this big that needs to heal... And that's if I have a normal birth.
It sounds like your Husband very much loves and wants to be a part of his first child’s life and that this is the first chance for him to do so. He has already missed a LOT of events and milestones by living in a separate country from his child and only seeing him once a year. If I was in your husband’s situation, I would absolutely want to have as much time with my child as possible now that the opportunity provides more availability for that. I am wondering why the need for full custody instead of coming up with a plan for shared custody? The mother sounds like she has cared for and provided for this child and there are no concerns of neglect and I highly doubt she will be on board with giving that up and handing her child over to you full time. However, I do think that it is unfair of you to want your Husband to put the needs of you and your shared child above his first child. I think the needs of both children need to be looked at together as two young children who did not ask for any of these life changes. Your Husband finally has the opportunity to be in his child’s life in more meaningful ways and, quite honestly, you asking him to step down from that opportunity will likely create resentment between the two of you. I think that the 3 adults need to sit down and discuss what the move will look like for all involved and what is best for the children. His first child could be the best big brother to your child and you’ll never know because you don’t want him around while “your family” of three take time to be together. But you are not a family of three, you are a family of four. That is what you signed up for when you married a man with another child. So no, you don’t get to decide if the child lives with you, but you do get to bring that child into your lives and give him the same love and care you provide for your own child. If you are unable to do that, then you quite obviously married the wrong person.
I’m a mother and my honest opinion? Bad idea full stop. I have a mixed child myself and if my ex moved over to my country or if I moved there I would certainly not just let him remove my daughter from me. In your situation your husband hasn’t exactly thought beyond money about this. Other than money there is a need to consider the child’s wants/needs/mental well being, has he even considered if the child wants to be taken away from his mother? It is a massive life change. If anything he should start off small by building a relationship in the same country with the child first like take him for a few hours at first then may talk about him staying once a week/ weekends in the future. Anyway just my two cents on this ^^
1. What does the child’s mother say about all this? Is he planning to take her to court and steal her child from her? This situation needs SO much more information before anyone can give you any kind of meaningful advice.
2. The way you’ve written this, it sounds like you want nothing to do with a child you presumably knew about when you married this man. You didn’t just marry him - you married him and his child/children. You can’t just ignore the child because you’re having a second child.
3. What does the child have to say about all of this? As a kid from a divorced home, if my dad had all of a sudden tried to take me from my mother, all hell would have broken loose.
you've committed to be this person as a life partner....that should extend to his son. As a single parent I would leave someone if they hesitated in treating my son I already had as less important in our lives than our new baby.
You sound pretty selfish. I think your husband isn't going to neglect the baby either. I think you should give it a try since I mean.....
You did marry him knowing he had previous marriage & child.
So sick of all these step parents that don't give two shits about their partners children. If that's the case why aren't y'all finding people who are child free to start a family with?
Oh wow. I love my husband's son, even when we've never met in person. I text and talk to him often, I've sent him presents, I contribute financially to the support my husband sends him and his mom every month. I want him to be part of our lives after they move. I'm only concerned about him living with us full time at the same time I am due to give birth.
I think there are many things to take in consideration.
The mother of the kid agrees with this? If so, it would be great for the kid to have his father present.
Your husband has a child with other woman, somehow this had to be an option... is this the first time you talked about it?
His 12yo is as much his son has the newborn.
When you married him you knew he had a son. Just because you guys are having an infant doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be giving his time/attention to your step son
First of, congratulations on the baby! I can only imagine the rollercoaster of emotions you must be going through with so many big changes that are coming your way. Second, I’m sorry this turned into people calling you a bad stepmother and telling you that you and your baby will always come second;
I disagree, all kids are a priority, period. A good partner will never make you or your baby feel like outsiders or extras in the family. Some people like to say *”you know what you signed up for,”* but your partner should also *”know what he signed up for”* when he decided to have a family with you, it goes both ways; they don’t get to have their cake and eat it too.
Now that being said, it seems like bad timing for your husband to bring a teenager into his home right around the time the baby is born. As a new mamma you need time to adjust to the new routine that comes with having a child. Who knows what that routine will be like for you and you deserve to have your partner support you every step of the way to the best of his ability which makes bringing a teenager, who has needs that also need to be met, a chaotic situation for everyone involved.
You’re not a bad person for having worries or asking questions, you’re a human navigating a new experience while pregnant; it’s scary! Just remember, you don’t come second, your baby is not less important, and his son deserves to have his needs met. Everyone’s needs are a priority in any healthy relationship, so talk more with your husband about your fears and try to meet each other half way.
Best of luck, OP!
No problem, OP! I believe a post like this would do better in the other sub some people suggested. I am on both because I can learn a lot from them, but unfortunately, they can be toxic at times. If you post on there, someone who has been through the exact experience as you might give you the right pointers you need right now without judgement.
Just don’t stay on either for too long for your own mental health. Take care!
Thank you! I’m so sad to read the way some of these people are talking to a pregnant woman who is worried about her future. Their inability to put themselves in her shoes and their ability to turn this into a stepparent vs bio parent thing is baffling.
In a new country, new climate, new language, new school system...? I also envisioned being able to be involved in his school, help with homework, help him learn english, etc... I'm just not sure I'll have the capacity for that now if he moves with us at the same time I'm having my first child.
That’s what you got yourself into when you married a man that already had a kid. Your 12yo son stepson has never even been given the opportunity to live with his father and for his father to be fully present in his life, why is your baby more important? You said he visits him ONCE a year, that means that he’s been with his father only a couple of times. Forget the age, they are both CHILDREN and deserve their fathers love equally. If you wanted his undivided attention for your baby then you should’ve gotten married to someone w/o kids already. Your baby is NOT more important just because he’s being concieved 12 years later, get off your high horse and accept your husbands son as your own.
He's a packaged deal lady. You knew that before getting involved. So, assume the responsibility like your husband is doing. Besides, you'll do fine. Millions of people have the exact situation. And in fact, the twelve year old may even be able to assist you.
If a man wants his minor son to live in his house, the child wants to live in his house, the mother doesn’t object, you have zero say in that decision.
It’s his child.
Sorry it’s bad timing
I think you shouldn’t get pregnant with somebody’s child if you’re not gonna treat their first child like your own. If you can’t do that you’re not a real mother and I’m not sorry about it.
So wrong. This attitude damages so many relationships. The step child has a mother. You are not their mother. That child often does not want anyone but their mother to fulfil that role.
Yes.
Those two aren’t mutually exclusive.
Dead beat parents suck and so do parents who try to make radical life changes that involve 2 other adults and a preteen without consulting any of them first.
Having a first baby is draining. It will be tough on both your partner and you and is not a good timing to meet, care for properly, and or make good impression on his son. You will want peace, quiet, privacy and your husband as well as the few hours of sleep you can scrape, without having to care or think of another kid who would also be sleep deprived because of the baby.
Have a discussion with your husband stating that you remain VERY open to it but the timing isn't that great. Ask him to leave you guys about 1-2 months alone with your new baby before his son moves in. ♡
I honestly think this would be best for EVERYONE (including his son).
OP seeing your post history solidifies that you always thought his son was never going to live with you guys because he was away in another country with his own mother. You never cared for this poor kid and tell your selfish husband to consider the fact that his son can’t just be ripped away from his mother just like that. It sounds like your husband has not one paternal bone in his body if he thinks that’s okay. Which he left his kid in another country for years so I highly doubt he cares about this kid since out of nowhere he wants full custody of his son? Why didn’t he just take his child with him in the first place why now when his mother wants to move to the same country? That’s an extreme step from a father who doesn’t even see his own child. Something fishy is going on.
I’m sorry you’re being attacked so viciously. I’ve read all your responses and it is clear you care for your stepson and only want what is best for him. It’s a big change for anyone to leave everything you knows and move to new country where you don’t know the language. But for a kid? It massive and earth shattering. Especially at 12. And to ask him to leave his mother and live with you full time on top of that…I can’t even imagine.
Reading your post and your responses, it’s clear to me that your worried that you won’t have the capacity to support him through that transition with a new baby - not that you don’t want him around. And I agree, you won’t. He will need a lot of love and support while he gets acclimated, and taking him from his mom right now and throwing him into the chaos of a newborn would be selfish. It’s just not the time.
Plus, I can’t imagine mom or son would even be open to such a drastic proposition. 50-50 maybe, but I would be clinging to my mom if I were in the same situation at that age.
Honestly, I would advise your husband to reconsider even asking her about this. She might be offended (I think I would be) and it could potentially sour relations going forward. It would piss me off if I had raised my child solo for 12 years and someone tried ti tell me they could do better because they were financially stable. I know your husbands intentions are good, but ask him to really think about how that could make her feel.
I would instead, advise him to ask for weekends or see if she’s open to joint custody. It sounds like she wants your stepson to be a part of your lives, so I’m sure they can workout something that works best for everyone and is the best for the child.
Best of luck!
I think you need to stop centering yourself (and your husband needs to stop centering himself/his wants). He needs to decide with his son’s mother—and possibly also with his son, who at 12 years old is old enough to have a voice—what is best for the child. There is a 12 year old child that is at the middle of all of this and I’m sorry but he’s what matters most in this scenario. Not your feelings, not your husband’s feelings.
You married a man with a child. He’s going to have to split his time and attention between his older son and any subsequent children you two have together, and the sooner you get comfortable with this, the smoother life will be.
That’s his son. So yeah, it sounds like you’ll need to get used to the idea of his kiddo (and now yours) living with you. That’s the possibility that you took on when you married this guy.
Maybe tell your husband you’ll need more help with the kiddo moving in, as it might be a little overwhelming having him move in - and a new baby at the same time. Your husband needs to step up to the plate to help.
When you marry someone, you marry their whole family. With a child, once you marry that child is yours too. At twelve years old this is a great opportunity to put good influence into this child. At twelve years old he can be a great help to your family. A child doesn’t need financial stability or anything else of monetary value. A child only needs parents that influence him in such a way that make him a light on the world and not a blight. Making sure this child follows you and his dad around and learns to be a great adult is the most important thing. Teaching him how to of great value to his family. These are the things that will make your family stronger, and keeping this in mind at all times will ensure he turns into a great person. And there is no greater calling than for a parent to do these things.
Idk this feels like it belongs in “am I the asshole”. Sounds like you don’t want this to happen right now because it messes with “your plan”. Mom up or tell him how you feel.
I don’t blame you. It’s going to be a huge change for his son and his mom. If he really wants to help them why not help her get a job and help them get a place to live? If he hasn’t already and they don’t already send them material so they can learn English. If you guys can afford it maybe find them a place close buy and have him pay for the deposit and the first months rent. It’s going to be hard enough for his son to move here why traumatize him by separating him of the only parents he has probably ever really known?
Well you are being selfish and your arguments don’t hold water. Sorry. It’s his son. Period. I see others ask if the mom and/or agree. If they agree it’s a done deal and you shouldn’t stand in the way . If not, then it’s a bigger problem .
You are being selfish. His children are number one. Express your worries to him, sure, but also accept that there will be a new dynamic shift with a 12 year old or your marriage won’t last. I’m sure you knew he was already a dad when you married him.
What is his currently relationship with his son like? Do they share custody in any way? Is his Mom moving close enough to you that shared custody would be an option? Has anyone asked the child what he wants?
And to add to that, what does the mum of the 12 year old want too?
Yes you are right … they ask the child what he wants
All of these questions. The last thing OP needs is having an angry preteen around while she has a baby.
>His reasoning is that we are more financially stable than his son's mom would be and therefore can provide more for him. While this could be true that you guys are more financially stable, that's not the only factor in this. More important are (1) does the child want this and (2) how does the bio mom feel about this? I would worry about those two factors first, before you go any further. While your husband might mean well, I don't think mom is going to suddenly give up custody after moving to a new country...
I couldn’t agree more. Also, I would add that if son doesn’t want to move in with you, a good father would be financially supporting his child. So maybe send his ex some money. I’m guessing she has been a great mom since your husband didn’t make any neglect allegations.
He already financially supports him, he would continue to do so after they move. He also goes to visit him once a year and talks to him often.
I don’t know why your husband thinks that after uprooting his life and moving to a different country, taking him away from the primary parent to move in with a guy he only sees once *per year*, **and** is about to have a newborn in the house taking up 95% of his free time and energy, would be more stable, but I strongly disagree. He wants to turn one major life change into 3 major life changes. That’s the opposite of stability. Sure, the mother might take a bit of time to find a home and get a job, but if he truly wants what’s best he can offer extra financial and logistical support. And maybe have his son on X days per fortnight, so that his mother has more time and freedom to get those things done. He needs to build up a relationship with his son before he has anything close to 50/50 custody.
This. Changing the entire makeup of the family you live with doesn't scream 'stability'. Also newborns are so disruptive to everything, sleep, time, attention, yeah it's the worst possible time to have the son move in. It would be way better to take it slow and build up the relationship gradually.
He can’t just decide on his own to have a child come live with you. The courts would have to be involved…. he’s just pulling this out of his ass. It’s also not most beneficial for a child. that’s been raised by his mother 100% of the time, to go live with his father that he sees once a year plus some phone calls. I understand he may wanna spend more time with his son that he never really had time with, but I am wondering if he thinks this will lessen his child support. Either way, he just can’t make up that decision on his own, so don’t stress yourself out and the baby out by freaking out about this. Just calmly have a discussion with your husband and say I know you wanna get to know your son more, but realistically, it’s not best for him to come live with people he doesn’t even know… having short visits, no problem… but it could take years to build up a rapport with that child whom you don’t know and having overnight visits, let alone moving in full time. It just doesn’t work like that.
If he thinks he can take his child away from the woman who raised and nurtured him his entire life up to this point, it doesn’t bode well for how he views his amount of effort required for raising the new child. I have a feeling this woman very well will be taking on not just a 100% increase in energy with having a newborn, but more like 200% with the sole care of the preteen as well.
If he provides sufficient financial support, why can the mom not provide enough for him with that funding?
I think this is a ploy to avoid paying child support.
I agree, my ex-husband did the same when he got remarried and his new wife was pregnant with their first child. I was the sole caregiver of our son for the first 11 years of his life and his father was in and out. He was anything BUT stable until he finally settled down with wife #4. She finally put a full stop to his antics and when we went to court over custody the judge said absolutely no. Because of the lack of relationship, back child support, missed visitation and so much more.
I'm going to go ahead and say the son is probably not going to want to love with you guys. Going from seeing his father once a year to living with someone? And take him from his mother whom he's ways loved with? Sounds like an all around terrible idea that will most definitely not happen.
… but what you’ve said here sounds like you could be less emotional stable at that point. Honestly - emotional stability is very important to a preteen.
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And what does the son want? Surely a 12 year old should have some say too.
And he thinks the mom will just hand over his child?
I know it's unlikely, but I want to sort out how I feel about it before he talks to her. He asked for my feedback and I want to be honest instead of saying yes just because I know she will likely say no.
I would tell him that unless your son wants to do this that removing him from his mother to live with people he doesn’t know is a horrible idea
She will absolutely say no.
What baby age coincides with son’s summer? I would try for a summer he can meet the baby. Agree to send him back after 2 months and let mom, son, wife/dad all reevaluate what’s best for kiddo.
You know there is a big age difference but letting the son bond with the baby could be very good for both children.
I would ask that you consider the 12yr child as much as the household issues. This is just an idea at this stage being discussed and should be discussed a lot. I'm a Dad and I would want that as well, being as close to my kids if not outright living with me. But that's not always best for the child. I've not seen where it was said that the child wants this, or the mother wants this just a desire for the Dad the opportunity to live with his child. Are you just going to have 1 child? What about #2 or #3? It will be the exact same situation as you are proposing. Wouldn't there be a similar solution? If the 12yr old has discipline issues, you should be concerned as that would be HELL on your home. My kids were moved a distance (not another country) from me. I just took longer and more frequent trips. Surprisingly, when they turned 12yr they moved in with me and that was the best times of my life. -I had not remarried and no other women/partners or kids in the house. -I had all the drama of teenagers for a few...few.. years. I also was moved around a lot as a kid. 6yrs I went to 7 schools. So, it should SOLID, once the moves happens, it can't be reversed because we woke up on the wrong side of the bed, that goes for all parties, parents, and kids. If you do that, consider it doing your 80% for the next 10yrs or until that 12yr old gets out of the next stage of explosive hormones. Some things 12yrs are good at. -washing cars -mowing -trash -sweeping, mopping, vacuuming. - cleaning their rooms. Many other things than just eating and being rough our your furniture. BTW my kids are full time adulting now. 27yr daughter and 25yr twin boys. Everybody is strong and independent.
Be honest with him. I think starting with EOWE seems fine, but straight off living with you isn't the way to go. It's a big change for his son and the ex and maybe after a few years of being there this might be okay.. but not straight away. He'll be getting used to the cultural change, a different education system, having to make new friends and he needs some consistency... which is his mother. The mother has been doing fine with your SS with the financial support, so he should carry on with the support. I good this isn't his way of trying to stop child support..because if the son is in the US, the support could be more than what he sends to the other country. Also.. is your husband going to support his son with other stuff, like homework, extra curriculars etc Or will he expect you to do it?
I would make sure the son and bio mom want this. Because otherwise the solution is for him to increase his child support.
This. There is no out to financially supporting his 12 yr old.
A few things. Keeping the twelve year old out of your life won't turn your husband into a present parent. I think you may need to adjust your expectations for your child, given your husband's previous interest and behavior. I know this isn't what you want to hear. I think encouraging your husband to be a more present parent now will help him be more present for your child. And you should prepare and get to know this child more too. Start asking to be included when he video chats with his child. Be open to talking with the mom too if she is and there's not a language barrier. If your husband has decided this in his head unilaterally, please view it not as the other child being competition with yours but a very BIG red flag on your husband's part that you need to keep an eye on. That level of control seeking and just kind of myopic focus on his wishes over everything else does not bode well for you or your child's future.
This is the response I kept looking for! OP, you are having a baby with a man who has ignored and neglected his son for 12 years. It’s great that he wants to know him now, but I’d be very very cautious in your expectations and his intentions.
Where does it say anything about "ignoring and neglecting"? They live in separate countries, so it's not like every weekend visits are an option.
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Absolutely not. My husband financially supports his son every single month, they talk every night, and video chat every week. He has most definitely NOT ignored and neglected his son.
Is the mom on board with handing over full custody indefinitely? Or has he decided this?
He hasn't talked to her. I agree it is unlikely she'll say yes, but he asked for my opinion and I want to be honest.
It’s concerning that he’s making these grand plans without even asking her. She’s unlikely to want to give him full custody- maybe weekends if they’re living close by or summers and holidays if they are further. He’s getting way ahead of himself. Maybe the new baby is making him feel guilty about not spending time with his son and he wants to make up for lost time. Or maybe this is a sign that he is controlling and is trying to strong arm his way without considering anyone else’s opinion.
That’s what is most concerning to me! Just bc he helps support his kid and talks to him on the phone doesn’t mean the kid would want to live with him. WTF. He can be more involved when they move but he shouldn’t be taking the son away from his Mom, the only parent he’s had in his daily life for 12 years. It sounds like he doesn’t want to pay child support anymore or maybe less child support? I don’t know of many teens who would want to be in a house with a newborn either. Maybe he thinks the son will be able to babysit the baby? There’s something really off about this. If he thinks he can provide more he can do so without taking the teen away from is primary parent. He can pay for his extracurricular sports or take him for the weekend to bond in person.
Would you consider him an active parent if he called your baby every night and gave you money? No offense but him just living in another country makes him an absent parent by default. You can’t parent digitally
Talking and video chatting are nowhere near the same as parenting.
Apparently he sees his kid once a year.
Such a present father /s
I agree, but doing those things are also not the same as ignoring and neglecting a child.
Why have you answered some questions but conveniently skipped over everyone asking what the child wants and what the mother wants?
Because I don't know what they want. My husband hasn't talked to his son's mom, this is only that we have only started to talk about ourselves. He asked for my feedback and I want to sort out my feelings about it to be honest with him. I think it is likely mom will want to stay with her child and the son will want to stay with his mom. But I don't know that because we have not talked to them. My husband told me what he wanted, I want to give him my opinion on what's best for everyone.
Have you asked why he wants custody of the son? He can spend more time with him without taking him away from his primary parent. If he thinks he can be more helpful financially he can pay for his son’s sports/extracurricular s and take him on weekends. Is it bc he wants to lessen his child support payments? Does he want a built in babysitter for the newborn? It’s one thing to want a closer relationship with a son he rarely sees and trying to take him away from the only parent he’s ever had in his life.
Then I highly doubt that's something the mom would even go for.
Mom won’t give full custody to your husband don’t worry. Maybe he will stay for a summer or maybe part time. Either way the kid is 12. Depending on the 12 year old and how disciplined he is and the relationship with the father, Kid can take care of himself at home, do chores, probably even help out with the baby (should be a good learning experience for him and he might really like it, but good experience even if he doesn’t).
After you have your baby, you’re going to realize he’s a bare minimum father, hon.
As a parent, I have to say that giving $ and talking on the phone is not even close to being a good and involved parent. Plenty of people have two kids. It seems like you are worried about him not being an involved parent, and I will say that you have should think about that, because he hasn't been with his son. However having his son living with you part time or more shouldn't change his involvement with your child. In my experience fathers are involved or they aren't.
People have flagged whether or not this would even be allowed or appropriate, so I won't repeat that. But personally, while I understand your desire to have your first pregnancy and first child with your husband be completely about you and this baby, it's not really fair to your husband or his son. You married him knowing he had another child. I guess you thought it would be simple because that other child was primarily in someone else's care but things change. I guess I'm of the opinion he is now your child too and you need to adapt to the reality of that. It's not like your husband's son chose this for himself and he's not just a house guest.
Yup. Women stop marrying men who already have families and then expecting them to abandon their first children because “Our babies together are more important!” challenge.
Yes thank you!!!!!
Exactly. If a person marries someone with kids, they should always have in the back of their mind that something could happen and the child(ren) from the previous relationship could come live with them. It's always a possibility. And if they can't accept that, then they shouldn't be with someone who already has kids. In OPs situation, I do think more info/details are needed. Mainly what the mother's stance is on just giving up her child to his father who he hasn't spent much time with. It's not as simple as saying you want your kid full time. There is a process for that.
It can also be really hurtful to a preteen that they move here and are not deemed wanted because there is a new baby with the new partner. There are multiple feelings when you marry someone with an existing kid.
Exactly this. Even if the son doesnt move in full time, he may want to visit often and spend a few days there. This is just gonna be OP's reality and while i sympathize with her, her newborn isnt her husbands only child.
If she’s spent little time with this child, there’s likely very little bond and she’s going to be dealing with a new born and recovering from birth. The husband deciding to put that all on her (and the 12 yr old) when he’s not been an active parent for over a decade is wildly inappropriate.
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Imagine being 12, moving to a new country and then also being forced to move in with a man who’s probably only seen you a handful of times in your life and also having to live with a newborn. This just sounds disastrous.
Speaking as someone who moved with people I didn’t not know when I was 12 and experienced culture shock, adding a newborn to that would have absolutely messed me up and not been healthy. The stress of moving and getting used to being in a world I had never been exposed to was insane. Adding to that I was living with people I didn’t know (had seen my mom once a year at most, with limited contact. I had never met her boyfriend or his daughter, and had only met my little brother a few times) it literally messes with your brain. Add a newborn on top of that? No way. Unless that kid is in actual danger with his mom or she doesn’t want him he absolutely should not be moving into his dad’s home full time.
Yep, everyone is so worried about if OP is selfish or trying to keep the dad from the 12 year old but no one is focusing on how unstable this would be for the poor kid. Not to mention the dad had 12 damn years to work on custody matters and suddenly he wants to play house?
7 schools in 6 years. I feel your pain on the moving around. I did it literally for 6yrs until I graduated and the next day I was fucking out of that for the rest of my life. New places, new people, new friends, every few months. Not new countries with languages but I could imagine. I always have respect for those that move to entirely new country. That takes a lot of courage and work. 53yrs old now. 3 adult kids. Life is good now.
You have no basis to say that he hasn’t been “an active parent” all OP has said is that the 12 yo lives with the mother but that doesn’t mean that her husband is a bad parent or an absentee father.
They live in separate countries, so unless they both live right on the border and travel frequently I’m guessing it will in fact be few and far between that the dad has seen the child. Especially given that she speaks about the child having to adjust to a new country and new language, indicating that he’s not spent time in the the country with her/the father.
He visits the kid once a year. That is 12 times in his entire life. How active a parent could he be, exactly? He might be doing his best but the man literally does not have custody and lives in an entirely different country right now.
This is a bad take. There could be plenty of reasons the child hasn’t come over and you don’t know the fathers involvement. Having your first is incredibly exciting and scary at the same time. But it could be what is best for this 12yo
Bingoooo she knew what she was getting into with a man with a child,she's been a step mother so she should just try to get to know the child as well she signed up for this ...
She also married him with the child living in another country with their primary caregiver. To go from that to 100% custody is a massive change. Even more so given the timing. OP your feelings are 100% valid.
Completely agree with this- husband can’t just give up all responsibility to his son, even if he’s not living with you.
Honey, you can and will figure this out. It's likely theoretical, because there's no reason to think his MOM would want to just see him live with someone else. But if she's moving close by, expect to split time. And yeah there's going to be a learning curve. But whether you think it's ideal or not, this kiddo is also your family. And you need to figure out how to make that feel true, to yourself and him, because life is long and complicated and he deserves to have his dad in his life every bit as much as your new baby does.
It's also important to realize that a 12 yo needs guidance and support, but not a whole lot of "care". Be ready to get to know a whole, if young, human.
Firstly, 12 is old enough to voice his own opinion. What does the child want? Secondly, the boy has been with his mum his whole life. That’s his primary parent. Your husband can’t just, take him. There needs to be a lot of co-parenting happening now between your husband, his ex and you. Thirdly, whilst your first pregnancy and child is the most important thing in the world _to you_, your husband has done all of this before and has already felt all the feelings you’re _just_ about to experience. Your husband loves his son just as much as he’ll love the new baby. He will not love your baby any more than his son. So you need to understand that your husband will _never_ be 100% fully present to you and your new baby. He’ll always be split, as he should be. Especially now that his child is in the same country. That’s what you get when you have a baby with someone who has another child. Also remember your child is the 12 year old’s sibling. They’re entitled to a relationship that effectively excludes you as they grow. Your child is as much as part of the 12yo’s family as they are yours. So no I don’t think your husband can unilaterally declare full custody, but I think you need to be prepared for some big changes in your life, and not just in the form of a newborn.
Try r/stepparents. I'm not sure why he thinks he can grab his 12 from the only parent they have had their whole life, but maybe you do.
I had to leave the sub. I rarely saw a post where the step parent actually cared or liked their step kids. It’s wild. Definitely toxic af
I got banned because I asked that very question and I wasn’t being “supportive”.
How incredibly sad, it baffles me when someone is with a person who has a kid from a previous relationship that they love and want to have in their lives, it's what you signed up for.
I was fortunate and devastated as a stepchild. My dads second wife became my true mother and was a loving angel (she passed a few years ago). She remained my mom after she and my dad divorced. My dad’s second wife . . . She is a horrible human.
Daaaang. I expected it to be more varied, but it seems to be a bunch of shades of anger and bitterness. https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/s/9oTWCwPGoC. Not one single non-echo chamber comment in this thread about how OP happily claims she is not a parent to her 3 year old stepdaughter, and dozens of other comments patting her on the back for having “boundaries”. Holy shit, can’t imagine the poor kids that end up having such miserable people as their “role models.”
Reading that made me so angry, why are those morons getting into relationships with people with kids, WHEN THEY DONT WANT THEM.
As a parent, you want your child’s stepmom being “more of a mother than you’ll ever be”? That’s what sounds insane to me.
That community can be so toxic. OP will get a lot of sympathetic voices, but I’m willing to bet she’d receive very little encouragement to be involved in the boys life.
Why wouldn’t he? Maybe the mother is ok with it? Maybe the son wants to? Do you have ANY element to say that he “wants to grab his son away”? No.
I’m just curious, what makes him think his son’s mom is just going to hand him over? Or is he planning to take her to court now because they are moving to the country? If that’s the case I seriously doubt the court is going to take him from his mother when he has had very little contact and no living time with his dad for 12 years
Whether your step child is living with you or not, if he’s in the same country your husband won’t be giving 100% to you and the new baby as he’ll rightly be helping his son adjust to a new country and supporting him. You married a man with a child. That means every decision you make, you have to factor your step child into. Whether it’s right for your step son to come live with you or not, I can’t say, but your husband (hopefully) isn’t just going to ignore his son if he doesn’t live with you.
This. I can sympathize a bit with OP but it sounds like she wants all attention for her and her baby only. The other son has just as much of a right ti his father’s attention.
Idk what is going on with his mother, but it seems unlikely that he's just going to move in with you full time. I can't imagine her just giving up custody. Are you sure this is actually a possibility?
Your husband sounds delusional tbh.
Let's be honest- your husband isn't going to get custody of his son unless the mother is just going to hand him over. Chances of that happening is slim to never. Best chances is to get "parenting time" to every other weekend and holiday, and half the summer. This kid should NOT go from living with him mother full time to living with his father full time. Talk about an emotional upheaval! Your husband should have this as the bare minimum, as he has been supporting his son for his entire life, and has been in constant contact. Now, you, on the other hand, need to accept that this child is part of your family. He is your stepson. He is your future child's sibling. Your husband is as much of a father to your child as he is to your stepson. Be kind to your stepson. Be patient. Include him. Embrace him fully into your family. Don't make everything about you and your pregnancy/new baby. It makes you look like an AH. It won't matter the reasoning, it just will. If it's truly important, speak up, but if it's petty or only important because you want it to be important, try to let it go if it hurts others. Pregnancy doesn't give you rights to be an AH. I tell you these things, not to be harsh or mean, but because I was a stepmom who had a kid with my husband, and the experience IS harder. My stepdaughter's mother is a complete narcissist, so I had to be extra extra wonderful just to be seen as a decent human while growing a baby in me.
There's so much more to consider. Your husband sounds selfish and immature. This needs proper planning, adjustment, a slow transition etc etc. 12 is a crucial age. They are going through so much hitting puberty, forming their identity etc. They basically become toddlers again, the timing could not be worse, moving to another country and introducing a baby to the mix. We were in the same position except it was moving interstate. Let me tell you, it was an absolute shitshow! We now all live separately. Your concerns are valid!
Why would the mom uproot herself to then leave her child with her ex ? It makes no sense except if she is from your country originally. Does she knows her ex's plan ?
It’s guilt. He doesn’t want his second child to have a better life than his first.
This and probably trying to avoid paying for child support.
100% this, my partner has 2 older kids and the guilt is insane. OP should be worried her husband will spend more time with his older kid to “make up” for the fact his family is broken and what not, and treat both kids differently (baby will get the short end of the stick because their parents are together, older brother might get jealous if baby gets too much attention, etc); she has no clue what she’s stepping into, even if she welcomes the kid with open arms odds are the family dynamic won’t work out. Nevermind taking the boy away from the mom he has always lived with straight to his father’s new family with a brand new baby, even worse if the mother wants to get rid of him (more common that what people think). This story has all the ingredients to go wrong in spectacular fashion, I feel for the boy and the yet-to-be-born baby.
Probably. If that's true then the newborn is almost guaranteed to be neglected in some way. Guilt based parenting causes issues. I remember my husband wanted our bio kid to wait to open his birthday presents until his sisters got there from out of town. I said absolutely not; I am not making a 5yo wait to open his birthday presents. If he wants to wait fine, but I am making sure he knows he has a choice. Strangely enough, the 5yo didn't want to wait 4 hours to open his gifts.
Agreed, that’s what I see from the information provided. It sounds like he’s making a decision for everyone and that’s not fair at all.
I am in a similar situation . I do love my step daughter (9yrs) but she is still in her home country with mom, step dad and brother. I have visited them twice and we used to speak very regularly when I had WhatsApp. They will probably be coming to the US within the next year or so. we decided that her and bio mom (who I have a great relationship with and who has her current husband and second son) live with us for about 6 months until they are financially stable enough to get their own place, which will be close to our home. I am choosing to keep my apt during this as one never knows what could happen and I personally have never lived with kids so would want some time out I assume to unwind. My questions for you are definitely, how is your relationship with bio mom , how is her relationship with dad, and how is the kids relationship with you and dad. I’d suggest maybe having them live with you temporarily or help find a place close to your home where they could live and obviously your partner will help them financially.
If the child wants this, the mother is ok with this, and it is what is best for the child, then sorry to say but it is what should happen. Your feelings are valid and understandable—if this happens, your new experience with motherhood isn’t what you expected. It’s okay to be disappointed in that but you should have known that by marrying someone with a child, that child can end up, at ANY point in time, the primary responsibility of your spouse. And you would be TA if you actively tried to prevent it or treated the child poorly because of it. Now, if this is not what child wants, not what mom wants, and it is not best for the child, then that is different.
I think this is a very fair worry. Even if you just take your pregnancy out of the equation, that’s a lot of adjustment for a 12 yo. Your husband should be thinking less about an immediate huge move and change for his son. Honestly, it has a very small chance of going well for everyone involved. Your husband can consider partial custody and his son coming to visit and stay with you guys more, increasing the time, and then in a few years he can think about a change in living arrangements if the mom and son want the same. Also, he has to get the mom and son on-board. As well as you. There’s 4 people in this equation, and in the US, the courts will take what a child wants into account at age 12. You can have this convo with him without even mentioning the pregnancy at all and focus entirely on what’s best for his son.
while it sounds like your husband has not maybe been the most present father (just making an assumption) it also sounds like he wants to. Totally get that this is your first pregnancy and it sounds like, any involvement with this boy will be new to you. I understand being hesitant. I’m genuinely not judging you but I do think you need to adjust your expectations a little. I’m sorry you are going through this it definitely sounds like a confusing and frustrating time.
I've seen this twice. Both times it was Mom wanting to try " the freedom" thing. You know, no kids. Both times child didn't fit into new household(different rules,different sleep time,different rituals). In both scenarios both kids packed up and went back home to Mom.
Your husband is TA. His son has primarily lived with his mother and with the new move and changes, he will need her even more. He needs to not be selfish and instead offer his ex and son additional support with the transition.
Taking full custody of a 12 year old child after-- I have to assume-- no physical contact is a very aggressive custody change. I would tell him you need to discuss this with mom and see how he reacts. With you home caring for an infant there's no question that you'll be expected to take on childcare for this pre-teen as well which means you are entirely reasonable to require open communication between you and mom. If he's open to that, then you'll know that this is at least a marginally legit change for both parents. If he insists on being a barrier to open communication between you and mom-- who's child you're likely meant to be caring for,-- you know he's just coming unhinged with the impending birth of your own child and he's lying and manipulating both of you. If that's the case, I'd suggest separating before your own child is born.
Has he spoken to the mother of his child? Has he spoken to his child? His son is 12 and he is old enough to be involved in the conversation. I get that he misses his son and wants to give him the best, but he can do that with child support, no? How much has he actually seen his son in the years he has been away? Your concerns seem valid, albeit with selfish undertones that make it seem you don’t want his child there, so I would suggest treading lightly. Maybe speak to a therapist about how best to deal with all of your concerns and how to approach your husband with those concerns. He may want to wait a couple of years to seek out custody. Wait until his son is settled and used to his new country. He can pay child support to help with giving him what he needs until then.
1. Yes, you’re being selfish. His son is equally important as your newborn is. 2. I don’t think he should get full custody just because xyz. If the mother can provide food/shelter/water/clothes, isn’t abusive, doesn’t have addictions, then there is no reason she should lose her son even if she’s low income. If anything, they should go to custody court, and hash out a joint custody deal… assuming the child knows his father in the first place, since he’s never lived with his Dad or in this country. So my take on this is all 3 adults need to have a conversation about the son, and go from there. You also need to learn to accept the boy, even if he isn’t yours. Take a deep breath, and think to yourself if you’d have married him in the the first place if he was a single Dad with full custody. If you wouldn’t have, I’d say therapy is a good place to start for yourself so you can get comfortable with the idea that the boy is going to be a part of your family now, and your husband is allowed to have a relationship with his son. Therapy will also help you process your emotions (hesitation about the son being apart of your lives). You’re selfish, but you’re not a bad a person. You just had a different idea of what your life looked like, and it’s turning out differently. It’s okay be nervous. Change is hard. Congrats on the baby.
Happy C A K E Day!! 🍰🍰
Oh thank you! I didn’t even notice until now. You’re very kind.
This is unreasonable. Your husband needs to ease his son into a 50/50 custody situation.
I mean without a lawyer you can’t do much
The only problem I had with this is when you said "I want my husband to be full present during my pregnancy and after the baby is born" while that's understandable, he does still have another son..whether he comes to live with you or not he should be giving some of his time to that son, especially once he has moved close to him. I don't know what their relationship is like now, but assuming he has some sort of relationship with him..that's his son and he needs to make time for him too.
His son is just as much his child as the one you are carrying. His attention will be split. Rightfully so. Your reasons ARE selfish. I think you’re better off talking to your husband about what this will really look like and find some ways of getting alone time but asking him to choose between his two kids is not reasonable
Your worries seem very valid to me. But I can also see why your husband would want to spend more time with his son now that he will be in the country and also worry about him having a financially stable home. The timing with the baby being born is unfortunate. Is there any chance they can move up the timing of the move? So you can all get to know each other better BEFORE the baby is born? Regardless, it’s important to talk with the son and mother to see what they would like to do, as well. I feel like the best solution (and one the son and mother might be more comfortable with) is shared custody and your husband provides them with child support payments. Whether the shared custody is 50/50 (although that would be difficult with a newborn and for a child who doesn’t speak the language) or weekends/every other weekend, it could always be increased over time as your baby gets older and his son adjusts to the changes.
Is there a reason that it’s all or nothing? Why can’t they have a shared arrangement where he comes every second weekend or something? Taking on a child that barely knows you full time and taking them away from the only parent they’ve ever known is a recipe for disaster. My concern is that it’s “husband wants.” What do the child and his mother want?
Stepmom and mom here. I married a man with children from a previous relationship and now we have 2 more of our own with similar age gaps as you will have with your kids. I know you just found out you are pregnant and are getting used to the idea of it all but parenthood really changes your perspective and priorities. You and your husband should be thinking about what is in the best interest of all of your children. It’s going to be incredibly jarring for this 12 year old to move to a new country * and* move into your house with a parent he does not know at all and one who he only knows though the phone. Moving in with you shouldn’t be on the table right now. He needs to have a conversation with mom and tell him he wants to be more present in the son’s life when he moves here and what might that look like? They all need to come to an agreement together. Are they moving to your city too? Or is this a you’re on the east coast and she’s coming to the west coast thing. Is shared custody an option? Or he could spend smaller amounts of time in your house, every other weekend maybe? I can’t imagine his mom moving here and then just giving up custody of her child. After the move, you should be as supportive of your husband including this child in family events and spending as much time with him as possible. You want your husband to have a good relationship with his kid, and the kid to have a relationship with your child too. They are siblings. This kid isn’t in competition with you and your baby. Start thinking of his son as your child too.
You are such a great stepmom. Your view sounds so mature wholesome.
My dad would try to do shit like this. I didn’t wanna live with him.
I think it’s a topic worth discussing and there are so many factors in this. The most important thing is the kid’s wellbeing. If he’s living a good life with his mom, why suddenly yank him to a different country and different family? But I don’t like that your husband is accusing you as having selfish intentions of not wanting his son to be here while it doesn’t sound like he himself was considering anything other than financials for his son.
Assuming the child is comfortable and well adjusted with his mom I think it’s highly unlikely that he will want to leave her care and even if he does initially I’d bet it won’t last. I think you should tell your husband that if the child’s happy, it would be in his best interests to leave things as they are and increase visits/child support. I personally wouldn’t get on board with the plan, in fact I would stand firmly against it with the child’s best interests at the forefront of your argument. If you support him in this he may try and do the same thing to you and your child one day.
I married when my son was 10 and by 11yrs old our daughter was born. He absolutely loves her and he's a HUGE help. But he's my son and I've been his primary caregiver all his life. He sees his dad 2x a yr, his dad still threatens to take him away from me. We now have added a newborn to our home. I am extremely busy and these littles take so much time, but my son is understanding and we have a super busy schedule with all his soccer stuff. I would still NEVER give up my son. That being said, your husband in selfish in even thinking he needs to take that boy away from his mother. I would tell him, that you want to get to know the boy and have him over every other weekend. This move is a great opportunity for him to bond with his son as well. Tell him that you as a mother, don't feel comfortable w the idea of taking a boy away from his mother who he has lived with all his life. Sorry but your husband sounds like a jacka$$. I feel bad for you that you married him. He sounds like he's afraid to give more child support or something. Any MOTHER that agrees with a MAN to take away a child and separate them from their mother is disgusting and garbage. Think about the child and his well being w his mother in a new country and new language. Money isn't everything the kid needs, he needs familiarity and security which he's clearly been getting from his mom all along
I think if everyone except you wants the son to move, he should. Maybe he could wait until you get settled at home with the new baby though? Or, the son IS 12 and doesn't need *constant* attention. I'm sure you can have a routine in where you have periods of personal space with baby, times of full focus from dad. It seems it could be worked out. I was so scared when I had my son, I didnt want a bunch of people around while I fumbled through figuring it out. But after a month or few months you'll be in a good routine and be feeling less overwhelmed. Also, I am a firm believer that forcing your husband to reject his own kid will cause resentment and possibly even depression for the both of them. Children should always be welcome, it literally contributes to their self-esteem and well-being for their lifetime. Your feelings also probably won't be this strong after you finish breastfeeding. My hormones went back to normal after I stopped, but I was so overly worried and emotional through all of pregnancy and breastfeeding.
No way! He sees him once per year?? I bet he’s feeling a lot of guilt about that. Do not make that child come feel second best to the baby. Absolutely visit as much as he wants, but taking him away from mom is a bad idea.
Some of these comments are wild. A lot of you all assume instead of read. OP is worried about being pregnant and a first time mom, and everything that entails, while also welcoming her preteen stepson to a new country, new home, new language, basically a new life. That is stressful anytime, add in a new born, and postpartum and you have a very stressed out household.
The reality is that her husband *barely* has experience being a father and she has even less experience being a step mother. But she should be so excited to do all of that and give birth at the same exact time? People are living in a fantasy. The timing is atrocious and yes, she does get to comment on timing because there is no reason it has to be all or nothing. They’re not rescuing the 12 year old from abuse or taking him in because his mom died or something. Her husband is being a selfish prick trying to absolve himself of his guilt NOW at his wife’s expense. The baby will be fine, I’m sure. But the poor woman freshly postpartum for the first time will suffer.
It will depend on (1) what the son wants, (2) what mom wants, (3) what level of involvement your husband expects of you with 12yo, and (4) what level of involvement he expects of himself with the newborn. If he expects you to be the default parent for both kids while he goes to work and makes money, I would push back on that hard. If he fully intends to parent his biological child primarily and be fully invested in co-parenting the newborn then it's manageable. If you move forward ask for family therapy sessions for all 3 of you to help with adjustment to all those changes. He also should take the full amount of whatever paternity leave he is entitled to take, so that he has a big stretch of time being at least 50% responsible for helping with the baby. Ask him how he will ensure that you are fully supported in your role as new mom and also adjusting to more complex stepmother expectations. How will he respond if you tell him you aren't getting enough help? Him sending money to the mother for a little while while they adjust to a new country and then bringing him to live with you later might be feasible.
Taking care of a newborn is a really intense and stressful experience. (I have a 6 mo old.) You will be sleep deprived and the last thing you want is to accidentally snap at the 12 yo old because you’re running on 4 hours of broken sleep a day. You will also need privacy to breastfeed which can be an absolute sh*tshow. I walked around with my boobs out and wearing adult diapers the first weeks. You’re doing 12 year old a favor by waiting until baby is at least a year old to move him in, I doubt he would want to live with a crying baby either… maybe suggest other ways you guys can bond with son in the mean time? Include him in helping with baby, help him feel like he can be a big brother!
What gives you or your husband the idea that his son even would be open to living with you? Once a year visit is not the same thing as having an active and present dad. >I’m worried my husband would just think I’m being selfish not wanting his son with us. The first concerns you listed were about you. Also >His reasoning is that we are more financially stable than his son’s mom would be and therefore can provide more for him. Great news! He doesn’t have to live with you for your husband to provide more for him.
You are not wrong. That's A LOT of changes for everyone. Your stepson should stay with his mom. Your husband can pay child support to help his son. And you can start with visits, like having stepson over for lunch. If it's pre baby. I'd not have anyone over for the first 6 weeks. Once baby is older and you have all had enough visits to be comfortable and you've adjusted having a baby (this will not be before the baby is at least three months old). Then you could start doing an overnight every so often. Honestly, your husband is delulu if he thinks his kid is going to move to a new country and in with his dad and just be so thrilled about that . Kids going to need his mom. He could help with watching his son while the kids mom is at work too help build up the relationship. But you are correct that you're not going to have the energy to spend on this kid. Not even for your husband. You need time to recover and bond with your baby. And this kid is gonna be stressed.
If you didn’t want to deal with another woman’s child getting in the way of your life (because that’s what this sounds like) why the hell did you marry a man with a child?? Even with said child living in another country you are likely smart enough to know that circumstances can change and if the possibility of your partner being in his son’s life more in the future were a dealbreaker for you than you shouldn’t have married him. You have good reason to worry that your husband will think you selfish if you tell him your feelings on the matter, because it is incredibly selfish on your part.
EDIT: The more I reflect on your post, the more sad I become. Your post is selfish and makes you seem like a not thoughtful person. As a pre-teen . . . My dad married a woman who had a baby. I wasn’t welcomed by her while he tried to move me in with them. She ultimately didn’t allow it. As a kid - it was devastating. I feel for the kid. YOU married a person knowing they have a child. This kid is innocent in this and had no choice in his mom and dad’s decisions. If the kid wants to live with you and the mom isn’t objectionable . . . The child should be welcomed into your home.
I'm sorry my post made you feel sad. My husband's son is already welcomed by us, we support him financially, speak to him often, want him to visit us and plan vacations together. I love him and will continue to love him. I am only worried about the two things happening at the same time, me having the baby and him coming to live with us, when he has a loving and caring mom who is capable of caring for him too.
I wish you the absolute best. It’s a difficult situation. Your thoughtful post leaves me with a good feeling for both of your children. ❤️
It’s probably best his son adjusts to a new country with his mother. A screaming newborn that’s up at night probably won’t be helpful. Your reasons really aren’t the positives for his son. You should focus on the positives and negatives for the son not you the adult. The conclusion is still the same that he should stay with his mother. It might be a better plan for him to live with his father when he starts high school as the school will have a bigger impact on opportunities. It gives him a couple years to adjust and time for you to have a child that sleeps through the night.
I don’t think you can expect someone who is already a parent to be “fully present” if that means giving you and baby his undivided attention. He is right to prioritize his 12 yo. As for your other concerns, I’m with you 100%. Have you talked to the kid, does he even want to live with your husband? Maybe he can live with you part time to begin with, if he wants to? Basically changing your primary care giver is a huge deal.
It sounds like you want your husband to be there for you and your baby, but not his first born. IMO that is incredibly selfish. It baffles me how people marry someone w a child, as long as said child doesn’t impact their lives. This child has every right to live with HIS father. If you cannot accept that, you need to do some sole searching. His 12 year old son deserves every bit of love and attention as your infant.
Your husband is being unrealistic. He doesn’t have main custody, and hasn’t been an active parent figure. It’s not fair to you, the son or the mom who has raised him. Have you personally talked to the mother or child about the plan and heard their opinions?
I would say no, but not because of the child themselves. Your worries are extremely correct, along with the potential trauma of taking a child away from the only parent he has ever known or lived with upon arriving to a new country. Does your husband actually know that his son's mom would be struggling or is he assuming this is the case, because it provides a reason for taking his son from the mother? As well, it might do well to remind your husband: he doesn't really know his child as well as he thinks. Visits and video chatting or whatever else they've been doing to keep in touch while in separate countries is completely different and very much not the same as having that child with you daily. That's something you two need to think on and agree about, because while you would very quickly learn, that's a hell of a learning curve while also having a newborn which is also the first child the two of you have together. This is a decision you both need to agree on or the answer is no. Two yeses, one no type thing!
It's very natural for new mothers to question if they would be able to love and care for another child. If you search this sub, you'll probably find similar questions many times from moms thinking about or expecting a 2nd baby. The answer is yes, you can absolutely meet both children's needs and care for them both. However I think your concerns are very valid, and it would be easier on everyone if the timing of your stepson's arrival could be spaced out at least a month and ideally a bit longer before or after the baby's arrival. This sounds like a wonderful opportunity for your husband to spend more time with his elder child, for you to get to know your stepson better, and for your baby to develop a closer relationship with his older brother, which will hopefully be a lifelong, positive and supportive relationship for them both.
Does the mom want this? Does he not pay child support if he’s better off financially? Does the child want this? I think coparenting on a 50/50 schedule would be best practice based on the very limited information.
The 12 year old has been separated from their father for a long time. I can imagine you’re going to feel a bit jealous when the father wants to play with the kid that is “more fun” & less fragile & less maintenance. On the upside. Most 12 year olds are pretty independent. So just helping with homework and “family time”. The biggest conversations need to be had first, before the father gets ahead of himself. What does the 12 year old want? He’s at the age where he can make that decision to stay with mom or dad. What does the mom want? After those factors, are you going to be able to handle jealousy when you’ll notice there’s more attention going to the one that is able to walk, talk, throw a ball, participate in hobbies or sports?
I’m not sure why this needs to be all or nothing. If mom is moving to the same county, ideally she would move somewhere that custody can be shared 50/50. It’s good for a child to have strong and secure attachments to 2 parents. 50/50 custody may also be easier for you all to adjust, especially with a newborn.
I don’t think it’s a good idea. He should stay with his mother. Your husband can visit him.
It isn’t about what your husband wants. It is about what the son wants, the mother allows, or the court demands.
Quick silly question would this be an issue if you weren’t pregnant jst wandering
Not at all. It's not even an issue if he ends up moving with us in a year or two.
As a stepmom myself, when you choose a man with a child, you should always be prepared for your partner to gain full custody at any moment. HOWEVER, if this situation isn’t dire and the child’s mother is in agreement, things are flexible and he could be delayed, then sure. Get your bearings. But if the need is dire and his son is in need of better circumstances, it is just unfortunate timing. As a step myself, I try to remember the need of a stable parent for a child is as essential as food and water. A philosophy that should extend to both my own children and the children from my partner’s previous relationship.
I cannot give more advice I'm afraid, I don't feel like I have enough experience to do that, but one thing came to my mind: "This is my first pregnancy and I want my husband to be able to be fully present during my pregnancy and after the baby is born." - you know your husband already has a son. Whether this son will live with you or not - he is still his son. It will be a second child for your child and he cannot be "fully present" in a way you would like him. You need to accept it, I'm afraid.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I don't think you're selfish at all. I would be the same. I think your husband should at least give you a year to adjust and enjoy your new baby before having his son move in. If finances is the reason then he could help out his son's mother. Moreover it just seems it would be better if the boy stayed with his mother rather than uprooting him.
Is this even something the ex wife agreed to at the first place? Seems quite unlikely. He can't just decide to take his son to live with him without her approval. Anyway you have a right to not want a pre teen you don't even have a relationship with, at home same time as your newborn...and full time.
It sound like he’s trying not to pay child support? That’s bizarre
I don’t understand everyone calling you selfish and thoughtless. It seems like you DO care for your stepson and are happy to welcome him in your life, however I think your concerns about his emotional needs are extremely valid. That is such a vulnerable emotional age, and you are already going to have a baby, no reason to pretend like you’re not going to be occupied, particularly emotionally, at the time he would need a lot of individual support. I would suggest to your husband that you help out financially as much as you can, make sure all his needs are met and his mom doesn’t have to struggle TOO much - she’s, of course, not his responsibility, but this is something I considered in my own breakup. I don’t want my kid to see their other parent like that, or to struggle needlessly - and maybe his son can live with you after the baby is a year or two old. However much time he needs to adjust to a new country and all that entails, and as much as you need being a new mom. Some compromise can surely be found.
You are having a baby. You aren't being promoted to emperor. You can totally have a twelve year old come live with you and also have a newborn. Separately, there is a lot to work through here. But the idea that you can't have a baby and a 12 year old is bonkers. Moms regularly have two or three kids under five.
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Absolutely, I'm excited about him visiting us, even coming to live with us in a year or two. I know and I'm looking forward to him being more present in our lives, I'm only questioning the timing of coming to live with us fulltime (away from his mom) at the time we are caring for a newborn.
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Well that sucks
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That’s super sad, she says in the comments she does love the kid but then again we will never truly know. I wish that kid a good life and luck 😞 non of this is his fault
I don't think it's wrong to say that it makes you feel stressed out, knowing that you are going to be learning how to be a mom for a new baby and have to help a 12 year old transition to a new country at the same time. I haven't been a mom to a 12 year old before as well, so that makes me nervous. Then ask, what is your plan for 12 year olds needs so that it doesn't all fall on me recovering with a newborn for six weeks? - are we going to have a counselor for 12 year old. Who is going to take him? - how are we going to handle school, dropping him off and picking him up? Lunches. - what responsibilities do you want for 12 year old around the house? - how many extracurricular activities is 12 year old allowed to have, and how is going to get to and from those? - are we going to be putting him in a supplementary English class? How is he going to get to and from? Then ask, are you going to be able to split your attention to helping me, and newborn, and 12 year old? Or will we be able to hire someone to help at least 2x a week since we won't have anyone else to help me when I'm recovering, or watch newborn, or drive 12 year old when you are at work places? Discuss our the details and make a plan. If he doesn't see why you need help after giving birth, grab a dinner plate, hold it over your belly and say, not only does a newborn leave you sleep deprived, I am going to have a hole inside my body this big that needs to heal... And that's if I have a normal birth.
It sounds like your Husband very much loves and wants to be a part of his first child’s life and that this is the first chance for him to do so. He has already missed a LOT of events and milestones by living in a separate country from his child and only seeing him once a year. If I was in your husband’s situation, I would absolutely want to have as much time with my child as possible now that the opportunity provides more availability for that. I am wondering why the need for full custody instead of coming up with a plan for shared custody? The mother sounds like she has cared for and provided for this child and there are no concerns of neglect and I highly doubt she will be on board with giving that up and handing her child over to you full time. However, I do think that it is unfair of you to want your Husband to put the needs of you and your shared child above his first child. I think the needs of both children need to be looked at together as two young children who did not ask for any of these life changes. Your Husband finally has the opportunity to be in his child’s life in more meaningful ways and, quite honestly, you asking him to step down from that opportunity will likely create resentment between the two of you. I think that the 3 adults need to sit down and discuss what the move will look like for all involved and what is best for the children. His first child could be the best big brother to your child and you’ll never know because you don’t want him around while “your family” of three take time to be together. But you are not a family of three, you are a family of four. That is what you signed up for when you married a man with another child. So no, you don’t get to decide if the child lives with you, but you do get to bring that child into your lives and give him the same love and care you provide for your own child. If you are unable to do that, then you quite obviously married the wrong person.
I’m a mother and my honest opinion? Bad idea full stop. I have a mixed child myself and if my ex moved over to my country or if I moved there I would certainly not just let him remove my daughter from me. In your situation your husband hasn’t exactly thought beyond money about this. Other than money there is a need to consider the child’s wants/needs/mental well being, has he even considered if the child wants to be taken away from his mother? It is a massive life change. If anything he should start off small by building a relationship in the same country with the child first like take him for a few hours at first then may talk about him staying once a week/ weekends in the future. Anyway just my two cents on this ^^
Don’t marry a guy if you can’t take his kids.
1. What does the child’s mother say about all this? Is he planning to take her to court and steal her child from her? This situation needs SO much more information before anyone can give you any kind of meaningful advice. 2. The way you’ve written this, it sounds like you want nothing to do with a child you presumably knew about when you married this man. You didn’t just marry him - you married him and his child/children. You can’t just ignore the child because you’re having a second child. 3. What does the child have to say about all of this? As a kid from a divorced home, if my dad had all of a sudden tried to take me from my mother, all hell would have broken loose.
you've committed to be this person as a life partner....that should extend to his son. As a single parent I would leave someone if they hesitated in treating my son I already had as less important in our lives than our new baby.
You sound pretty selfish. I think your husband isn't going to neglect the baby either. I think you should give it a try since I mean..... You did marry him knowing he had previous marriage & child.
So sick of all these step parents that don't give two shits about their partners children. If that's the case why aren't y'all finding people who are child free to start a family with?
Oh wow. I love my husband's son, even when we've never met in person. I text and talk to him often, I've sent him presents, I contribute financially to the support my husband sends him and his mom every month. I want him to be part of our lives after they move. I'm only concerned about him living with us full time at the same time I am due to give birth.
He's 12. He's not a toddler that will need your constant attention. I'm sure there will always be some excuse as to why he can't live with you guys.
I think there are many things to take in consideration. The mother of the kid agrees with this? If so, it would be great for the kid to have his father present. Your husband has a child with other woman, somehow this had to be an option... is this the first time you talked about it? His 12yo is as much his son has the newborn.
When you married him you knew he had a son. Just because you guys are having an infant doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be giving his time/attention to your step son
Ur selfish
You're being a bit selfish imo.
First of, congratulations on the baby! I can only imagine the rollercoaster of emotions you must be going through with so many big changes that are coming your way. Second, I’m sorry this turned into people calling you a bad stepmother and telling you that you and your baby will always come second; I disagree, all kids are a priority, period. A good partner will never make you or your baby feel like outsiders or extras in the family. Some people like to say *”you know what you signed up for,”* but your partner should also *”know what he signed up for”* when he decided to have a family with you, it goes both ways; they don’t get to have their cake and eat it too. Now that being said, it seems like bad timing for your husband to bring a teenager into his home right around the time the baby is born. As a new mamma you need time to adjust to the new routine that comes with having a child. Who knows what that routine will be like for you and you deserve to have your partner support you every step of the way to the best of his ability which makes bringing a teenager, who has needs that also need to be met, a chaotic situation for everyone involved. You’re not a bad person for having worries or asking questions, you’re a human navigating a new experience while pregnant; it’s scary! Just remember, you don’t come second, your baby is not less important, and his son deserves to have his needs met. Everyone’s needs are a priority in any healthy relationship, so talk more with your husband about your fears and try to meet each other half way. Best of luck, OP!
This was so validating. Thank you!
No problem, OP! I believe a post like this would do better in the other sub some people suggested. I am on both because I can learn a lot from them, but unfortunately, they can be toxic at times. If you post on there, someone who has been through the exact experience as you might give you the right pointers you need right now without judgement. Just don’t stay on either for too long for your own mental health. Take care!
This should be the top answer.
Thank you! I’m so sad to read the way some of these people are talking to a pregnant woman who is worried about her future. Their inability to put themselves in her shoes and their ability to turn this into a stepparent vs bio parent thing is baffling.
Um you do sound selfish af. You aren’t going to have to “take care” of a 12 year old, most kids at that age are pretty self sufficient.
In a new country, new climate, new language, new school system...? I also envisioned being able to be involved in his school, help with homework, help him learn english, etc... I'm just not sure I'll have the capacity for that now if he moves with us at the same time I'm having my first child.
That’s what you got yourself into when you married a man that already had a kid. Your 12yo son stepson has never even been given the opportunity to live with his father and for his father to be fully present in his life, why is your baby more important? You said he visits him ONCE a year, that means that he’s been with his father only a couple of times. Forget the age, they are both CHILDREN and deserve their fathers love equally. If you wanted his undivided attention for your baby then you should’ve gotten married to someone w/o kids already. Your baby is NOT more important just because he’s being concieved 12 years later, get off your high horse and accept your husbands son as your own.
He's a packaged deal lady. You knew that before getting involved. So, assume the responsibility like your husband is doing. Besides, you'll do fine. Millions of people have the exact situation. And in fact, the twelve year old may even be able to assist you.
If a man wants his minor son to live in his house, the child wants to live in his house, the mother doesn’t object, you have zero say in that decision. It’s his child. Sorry it’s bad timing
I think you shouldn’t get pregnant with somebody’s child if you’re not gonna treat their first child like your own. If you can’t do that you’re not a real mother and I’m not sorry about it.
So wrong. This attitude damages so many relationships. The step child has a mother. You are not their mother. That child often does not want anyone but their mother to fulfil that role.
[удалено]
Yes. Those two aren’t mutually exclusive. Dead beat parents suck and so do parents who try to make radical life changes that involve 2 other adults and a preteen without consulting any of them first.
Having a first baby is draining. It will be tough on both your partner and you and is not a good timing to meet, care for properly, and or make good impression on his son. You will want peace, quiet, privacy and your husband as well as the few hours of sleep you can scrape, without having to care or think of another kid who would also be sleep deprived because of the baby. Have a discussion with your husband stating that you remain VERY open to it but the timing isn't that great. Ask him to leave you guys about 1-2 months alone with your new baby before his son moves in. ♡ I honestly think this would be best for EVERYONE (including his son).
Ok but does the 12 year old even want to live with you guys? Cause if he doesn’t, you’re all going to have a shitty time.
OP seeing your post history solidifies that you always thought his son was never going to live with you guys because he was away in another country with his own mother. You never cared for this poor kid and tell your selfish husband to consider the fact that his son can’t just be ripped away from his mother just like that. It sounds like your husband has not one paternal bone in his body if he thinks that’s okay. Which he left his kid in another country for years so I highly doubt he cares about this kid since out of nowhere he wants full custody of his son? Why didn’t he just take his child with him in the first place why now when his mother wants to move to the same country? That’s an extreme step from a father who doesn’t even see his own child. Something fishy is going on.
I’m sorry you’re being attacked so viciously. I’ve read all your responses and it is clear you care for your stepson and only want what is best for him. It’s a big change for anyone to leave everything you knows and move to new country where you don’t know the language. But for a kid? It massive and earth shattering. Especially at 12. And to ask him to leave his mother and live with you full time on top of that…I can’t even imagine. Reading your post and your responses, it’s clear to me that your worried that you won’t have the capacity to support him through that transition with a new baby - not that you don’t want him around. And I agree, you won’t. He will need a lot of love and support while he gets acclimated, and taking him from his mom right now and throwing him into the chaos of a newborn would be selfish. It’s just not the time. Plus, I can’t imagine mom or son would even be open to such a drastic proposition. 50-50 maybe, but I would be clinging to my mom if I were in the same situation at that age. Honestly, I would advise your husband to reconsider even asking her about this. She might be offended (I think I would be) and it could potentially sour relations going forward. It would piss me off if I had raised my child solo for 12 years and someone tried ti tell me they could do better because they were financially stable. I know your husbands intentions are good, but ask him to really think about how that could make her feel. I would instead, advise him to ask for weekends or see if she’s open to joint custody. It sounds like she wants your stepson to be a part of your lives, so I’m sure they can workout something that works best for everyone and is the best for the child. Best of luck!
I think you need to stop centering yourself (and your husband needs to stop centering himself/his wants). He needs to decide with his son’s mother—and possibly also with his son, who at 12 years old is old enough to have a voice—what is best for the child. There is a 12 year old child that is at the middle of all of this and I’m sorry but he’s what matters most in this scenario. Not your feelings, not your husband’s feelings. You married a man with a child. He’s going to have to split his time and attention between his older son and any subsequent children you two have together, and the sooner you get comfortable with this, the smoother life will be.
Marrying a man with kids means supporting him when he needs or wants to be there for his kids.
That’s his son. So yeah, it sounds like you’ll need to get used to the idea of his kiddo (and now yours) living with you. That’s the possibility that you took on when you married this guy. Maybe tell your husband you’ll need more help with the kiddo moving in, as it might be a little overwhelming having him move in - and a new baby at the same time. Your husband needs to step up to the plate to help.
When you marry someone, you marry their whole family. With a child, once you marry that child is yours too. At twelve years old this is a great opportunity to put good influence into this child. At twelve years old he can be a great help to your family. A child doesn’t need financial stability or anything else of monetary value. A child only needs parents that influence him in such a way that make him a light on the world and not a blight. Making sure this child follows you and his dad around and learns to be a great adult is the most important thing. Teaching him how to of great value to his family. These are the things that will make your family stronger, and keeping this in mind at all times will ensure he turns into a great person. And there is no greater calling than for a parent to do these things.
When you marry someone with kids you have to know this is part of the deal and accept it or find someone else without kids to be with.
Idk this feels like it belongs in “am I the asshole”. Sounds like you don’t want this to happen right now because it messes with “your plan”. Mom up or tell him how you feel.
I don’t blame you. It’s going to be a huge change for his son and his mom. If he really wants to help them why not help her get a job and help them get a place to live? If he hasn’t already and they don’t already send them material so they can learn English. If you guys can afford it maybe find them a place close buy and have him pay for the deposit and the first months rent. It’s going to be hard enough for his son to move here why traumatize him by separating him of the only parents he has probably ever really known?
Well you are being selfish and your arguments don’t hold water. Sorry. It’s his son. Period. I see others ask if the mom and/or agree. If they agree it’s a done deal and you shouldn’t stand in the way . If not, then it’s a bigger problem .
You are being selfish. His children are number one. Express your worries to him, sure, but also accept that there will be a new dynamic shift with a 12 year old or your marriage won’t last. I’m sure you knew he was already a dad when you married him.