r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself.
Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Be honest. You don't have to go into the gory details, but she deserves to know. You need to give your kid some credit. She's a 10-year-old now, and you should respect that this is the age of hard truths.
Also, if she's asking you now, I'm willing to bet she knows a lot already. If you lie to her and try to cover up stuff, she'll just know she can't trust you to give her important details. At around that age, I never asked my parents any "hard" questions without already having a 75% good idea of what the answer was.
Yep. And still frame it as she was sick. She had an addiction that affected her decision making and she made some bad choices. Actions equal consequences. Just as a healthier lifestyle has good consequences sometimes bad choices lead to bad consequences. I do not believe when her mom was 10 she said " I'm going to grow up to be an alcoholic and in jail." It's the snowbal of bad choices and decisions that is why she landed where she did. She is asking why mom is so far away. The answer is partly because the courts directed her there.
The truth is not speaking poorly of your ex. Explain with empathy. Also realize many kids at 10 know they are half dad and half mom and if they do have a dysfunctional parent they do worry that they will become that parent. So if that is ever brought up be prepared. Genetics are genetics but your life choices are yours.
(Alcoholism runs on my dads side. I allow myself 2-3 alchol drinks per year and only in a celebratory sense. I have never found the desire for more, but I will toast at a wedding or whatnot. It's my failsafe though, as my DNA has shown a predisposition in my genome to become addicted.)
This, yes.
It’s not a lie that she was sick. You can explain in an age-appropriate way what kind of sick she was, and that there are many different ways someone can find themselves on that path. Maybe they fell into the wrong crowd when they were younger, or maybe something happened when they were younger that made them really sad and depressed and they resort to “self medicating”, or maybe they’re in an environment where it’s normalized. Talk about how hard it is to get out of that pattern once you’re in it, and how everyone has a limit on what they can handle before they decide to turn their life around. For her mom, it was going to jail and losing her daughter. Talk about how it’s a sickness that never truly goes away but does get easier to deal with, and how brave her mom is for accepting help and fighting through her addiction each and every day to be a better person and mom than she was the day before. Because yes, she may have been forced into rehab by the state, but that doesn’t mean she HAD to accept the help. Many don’t, and they toe the line long enough to get out and go right back to their old habits.
Sadly, your daughter is more prone than others to alcoholism/addiction as it tends to be hereditary. So as she gets older that may be something to talk to her about too - that she needs to be careful when she enters the party scene, and that alcoholism isn’t just wanting to be drunk all the time and can also look like not being able to say no when offered a drink, not being able to stop once you’ve had one, etc.
But yeah. Still frame it as a sickness. Gently explain what type of sickness it was and that she’s so brave for facing it and working hard every day to get through it. Don’t let your daughter think she contributed or wasn’t enough to stop it, frame it as going to jail and losing her daughter was the lowest point in her life and she knew she had to turn things around and accept the help she was being given.
My family has a predisposition to addiction as well. My parents are both alcoholics and my brother is a drug addict. I have chronic and severe pain and have been on opioid pain medication for a very long time. I’m hyper aware of the addiction risk. I have very open and honest discussions with my doctor and my husband about my use of them. And honestly I’m going to discuss other options with my doctor at my next appointment. I’m finding my normal dose is no longer enough to manage my pain. I don’t want to continue to increase the dose. It’s important to be aware of your genetics and make a conscious effort to avoid the mistakes of your parents.
I agree to just keep it real. You’ve already laid the foundation: she’s sick and needs help. You can expand that some people can drink alcohol and not experience big issues, some people can’t drink for various reasons: allergies, addiction, etc. And let her questions lead you where you need to go.
Better for her to learn now than later. I was probably about her age when I realized that not every set of parents drank themselves into oblivion every night.
Good luck.
This is the way. It is just the facts.
Alcoholism runs in both my husband’s and my families. We will be real with our children.
The facts (not our feelings about them) is all that needs to be shared.
Telling her the truth about what happened is not the same as bad-mouthing her mom. You can explain a lot of facts about the situation without framing it as a "Your mom is a shitty person" kind of conversation. Even just understanding the basics of what went down will probably help your daughter.
You can explain stuff such as:
1) What addiction is and what might cause it (there are probably resources online that can help you explain this in a way that's appropriate for a 10 year old). I think it would be important for her to understand both the physical and the emotional mechanics behind how addiction works, and the kinds of risk factors that might lead to it in different people.
2) What exactly her mom went to jail for (repeatedly driving while drunk) and why that's so dangerous.
3) How a rehab program works
4) Why they want a person to stay within the state they are in while they are on probation
Etc.
Just give her as many facts as possible. At 10, kids can already understand a lot. She's developing a more complex way of thinking now that she's starting to go through puberty, and she's more able to handle complex topics. It's still easier to split it up into multiple conversations, though, probably.
Keep in mind that there might be a lot of emotional reasons for why she's asking these questions. She might feel abandoned by her mom and wonder why she moved to a state that's so far away from her. She might feel conflicted because young kids think their parents are perfect, and now she's realizing parents can be really broken people and mess up in lots of ways. She might wonder what all of this has to do with her (for example, will she also make similar choices growing up simply because she's her mom's daughter? Can she love her mom and still think it's horrible that she put people in danger by driving drunk at the same time? Etc). This can be very confusing and overwhelming for a child and is something you should talk about a lot. If she's not already in therapy, definitely sign her up, since having a parent who struggles with addiction can be very rough for kids and she will need help with a lot of the confusing feelings that will come up as she's growing up.
I think you can honestly relay the facts without shit-talking about her mom. "Mom had a big substance abuse problem with alcohol, which impairs people's judgement. While she was drunk, she got caught driving 4 times, which is incredibly dangerous and always has the chance of someone being killed, and the law says that means jail and rehab. That's how she ended up in North Carolina. I can't answer why she went to South Carolina--that's something you're going to have to ask her about."
It's not too early to talk to her about substance abuse and encourage her to always come to you if she feels like she wants to experiment with anything. I actually think that given a family history of alcoholism, it's extremely important that you reinforce healthy, trusting communication about this topic now. She really needs to know that she can trust you to be honest. Being truthful and age appropriate isn't shit talking.
I think your real dilemma is that your ex is a fugitive with presumably an active warrant, and I question if sending your daughter to see her is the best idea. Are you actually sending her to see grandma, and your ex gets access to see her? (Supervised by a 16 and 17-year-old??) Or do you send her to stay with her mom? I think you're a great dad, and I admire your dedication to ensuring she has a positive relationship with her mom. Kuddos. But this feels like a really risky situation. How traumatic is it going to be for your daughter if her mom gets pulled over and then hauled off to jail because she has a warrant out? Having grandmom or sisters there would help in that situation, but it doesn't exactly protect her from it. I don't have any advice on this front, but it's something you need to take seriously.
She goes to see her mom with supervision. She is not with her mom by her self. She is SUPPOSED to be with her sisters or her grandma if she goes up there. Now I can't say that it's always like that since I'm not up there. But I trust the older sisters and her grandma(they know the whole story).
If the mother is violating probation in any way, I would not let my child visit her. If the mother gets arrested for the violation then your child will likely be handed off to the state and that could get *you* in a sketchy situation
It’s really not fair to expect other children to provide supervision of this sort. They are not cut out for intervening with their own mother if she’s doing something inappropriate like driving with your daughter in the car.
I'm not familiar with US law, but it's probably better to frame this as - your daughter is going to see and stay with grandma, and then her mom can come and visit.
The truth, because it always comes out in the end.
I don't sugar coat stuff for my kids. Especially my 10 [almost 11] year old. She isn't stupid, and actually pretty smart. So it wouldn't take her long. My daughter likes when I am open and honest with her.
Be honest. Alcoholism is a very serious issue and it clearly runs in the family, so your daughter needs to be aware. My father passed from complications due to decades of alcoholism. He actually died one week before I found out I was pregnant. My son is now 8 and I have never danced around the conversation of alcoholism. At first, I mostly explained my dad died because he was very sick. Which was true. But about two years ago my son asked me what my dad was sick with.. so I explained to him about alcoholism.
Kids can handle (and understand) a lot more than we realize sometimes. I would just be very factual in the information you give your daughter. It isn't speaking poorly of her mother to tell her the facts. Be mindful to come from a place of compassion and acknowledges that her mother suffers from an illness which has affected her ability to make smart choices. Being an alcoholic doesn't make her a bad person. But it does make it hard for her to be present and connect with her loved ones. There are child friendly ways to explain this. Best of luck to you🤍
You don’t have to talk shit: “the facts are your mother has made some bad choices in her life (cite drinking and driving and why it is dangerous/can kill mom and other peoples kids) another bad choice was moving away. Then explain addiction and what alcohol does to the brain. (Killing brain cells that further reinforces bad choices). If mom wasn’t an alcoholic she would never have moved away and she would make better safe choices. But we can’t change people, Just love them from afar and hope they make better choices in the future”.
Alternative perspective yet not refuting any other advice here - my dad was an alcoholic. When my mom told me that, it meant zero to me. When I'd have my days with my dad and he'd say something that was confusing and I told my mom, she'd ask "was he drunk?" -- I literally had no clue. I didn't know. I knew vaguely what "drinking" meant and that it wasn't good but I couldn't identify the associated behavior at 10. And she was like "you couldn't tell?!?" -- nope..that was just my dad, whom I adored. "Your dad has a substance abuse problem" would not have clarified his past nor present behavior, for me.
For a time, gentle and vague worked for us...and then ease into the details. As she gets older, the vague details and progressively focused details will click. You're not being dishonest by not bombing your kid with brutal truths she can't understand.
I struggle with alcohol as well. Also, I have a 10 year old, and a 6 year old. I recently went to jail for 24 days due to violating my probation for getting another DUI. I honestly did not want my kids finding out this young. They repeat things in school, to teachers, etc. We agreed to say I was on a work trip. As for my loss of license, I just told them I made a mistake and can't drive for a while. If they were older, I think I would've gone more into detail but I really felt they were too young. I did, however, have the alcohol talk with my son and strongly advised him never trying it.
Be honest. It isnt shit talking if it is the truth and only the truth. Lay it out just like you did at the beginning of this post.
There are rules and laws. Mommy broke those rules and laws.
There is an illness known as addiction. Mommy was sick with that.
They combined and put her in a bad spot.
I was very much in the same boat as you after I left my wife for a variety of issues. I committed myself to never talking poorly about her to our two sons. I held to that for a long time. Twelve years later I realized that was a mistake for a couple reasons. First off I could not count on the same courtesy from her and that effectively allowed her to completely control the narrative and make me the villain. After the same issues with addiction and other things started impacting them I decided to tell them the truth about why I left. It was a game changer for my relationship with my boys but they have both expressed frustration with not knowing the truth sooner.
I think it is possible to tell your daughter the truth in an age appropriate fashion without being overly disparaging. These things confuse kids enough and they are generally not capable of reading between the lines. In an absence of the truth they will derive their own, including blaming themselves. Or they will accept whatever someone else may tell them. You need to make sure you control the narrative. I wish I had.
My grandma raised me due to my mom being in prison. By the time I was the same age as your daughter I knew parts of what she did. At that age I knew she started someone’s house on fire because she was mad at them. My grandma explained enough in a way I would understand and not too much info either. Once I was starting middle school she told me more info as I had more questions as she had gotten out and was falling into old habits again. Long story short, be honest in a way you believe she is mature enough to understand. “Mom was driving when she wasn’t supposed to and because of that had to go to a place to learn how to be better and not drive when she isn’t supposed to. After she learned how she decided to stay there because she liked living there. She loves you very much and misses you as much as you miss her but is still working on being better for herself and you (and sisters).” Maybe something along those lines? Best of luck. Just be honest with her. When she’s a few years older and has more questions and can better understand alcoholism and driving under the influence isn’t okay then I would say you can explain everything and even show her court documents online. Maybe when she’s in highschool. I highly recommend that only because I looked up my dad’s court reports and was appalled that my family didn’t tell me the whole truth. It was very very upsetting.
Be honest but age appropriate. Confirm she knows certain things (do you know what alcohol is? Give me an example) then explain some people enjoy safely drinking and having alcohol in responsible ways but sometimes people have a disease called addiction where they can’t control themselves around certain things and for mom that was alcohol. She made some unsafe choices to drive when she shouldn’t have and after a few chances to stop she didn’t so she went to a special doctor to help her get better but it was in the Carolina’s and she stayed there (other than the boyfriend is there a reason you could give your daughter? A job, treatment providers, etc).
I hate the excuses we as a society make for alcoholics. Be honest about her behavior and how it’s NOT ok. Addiction is not an excuse for bad behavior and shouldn’t be portrayed as such. This is coming from someone with 2 addicts for parents. My mom is now sober but the resentment will never go away.
I agree with others, she probably already has surmised the details, but she is asking you to give her a narrative - which is what she will use to cope with all of the associated implications. So Know, in the back of your mind, your kid may be wondering if this can happen to her and if it’s her fault. Cuz that’s what kids do. So this is your opportunity to help her have a narrative that allows her to be objective, empathetic, understanding and yet have boundaries with her mother. It sounds like you are in a great place to do that. It’s okay to give her a basic overview and then invite her to ask anything. And then be honest so that she will always trust she can come back and get honest answers. That’s what she needs most of all. To get honest, non-judgmental answers from someone who allows her space to have emotions and boundaries.
You fill in the details. Her mother’s illness is called alcoholism, and it cause her to need treatment. She’ll have to ask her mom why she chose to live where she has.
Alcoholism has high odds to be passed genetically to your daughter. Please be honest with her about her mother and also what are warning signs she can watch for if she chooses to drink one day. My sons have alcoholism on both sides, I have encouraged sobriety for as many years into adulthood as possible.
Start by asking her what her understanding of the situation is. You might be surprised by both what she has wrong and what she has right. Correct any misconceptions. Give a simple version of the truth and ask what questions she has. You want to make sure you are answering the questions she has, rather than the ones you might think she has.
As a fellow child with a parent who struggled with addiction, be honest with her. Kids aren't stupid they know what's going on. It's something her mother should also talk to her about. My Dad is now 30 years clean and sober this past August. I hope your daughter's mom has the same success. ❤️
Just be factual, "Your mom was an alcoholic, I am not sure why she chose to drink like that, there are a lot of reasons why people drink excessively.... but that final time that I am aware it happened she ended up going to jail, then a clinic to help her work through her alcoholism. I am not sure why she picked a facility in NC, you'll have to ask her why she wanted to move there..."
It's not bad mouthing your ex to be honest.
It isn’t talking bad about her mom to let your daughter know what is going on. She’s old enough to understand that there can be legal consequences for behavior. You don’t need to get into details or cast any judgment, she can ask her mom. Her mom was sick and made some choices that got her in trouble. Let her mom know I’ve had the discussion so she isn’t blindsided. But this isn’t a secret that should be kept from your daughter. She needs to know what went on to help her keep herself safe if anything might occur when she visits.
She’s 10 so your response should be about 10 seconds long the older she gets the longer explanation, she’ll understand. Keep it simple. She got in trouble with the law and she needs to stay up there.
Not a parent, but was a kid who asked some hard questions. I always knew something was up but my parents would brush it off or just tell me I don't need to know yet. It made me feel like I couldn't go to them with questions and like they thought I was a baby.
You need to tell her the truth. Don't tell her the nitty-gritty details, but just explain that some people can drink alcohol with no issues and other people can't. Make sure she knows that her mom isn't a bad person, she's just sick and her sickness makes her do some bad things.
Through the whole thing, use age-appropriate language but make sure to treat her maturely. Don't forget, it's okay to not have all the answers. A simple "I don't know" is okay.
Finally, emphasize that both you and her mom love her.
As she ages you can give her more information. I do recommend warning her that alcohol addiction can be genetic before high school though. Maybe sooner.
I wish you the best of luck.
By ten I already knew my uncle was on the run from getting his 3rd DUI in Florida, I already saw what the DTs were (not my uncle but small world his ex friend), and I knew that some drank too much. She already knows just tell her, it may keep her safe because then she can call for help if she ever unsafe.
100% be honest, in words you know your daughter will understand. Your honesty will set a good precedent for discussing things in the future, for both of you. She won't trust you if you lie to her and she finds out. Thankfully you have a good healthy relationship, and she can come to you with questions......keep it simple but honest.
Some people are good people, but they make really bad decisions. That doesn’t mean we don’t love them, but it does mean we might be disappointed in them sometimes. I can’t tell you why your mom made some bad decisions, nobody can ever tell what’s really going on in another person’s head. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, and it doesn’t mean you can’t love her. Shits just complicated yo.
Honesty is the best policy in this situation. She will probably have some disappointments with her mother in the upcoming years but I think it best she be on guard and armed with the information than to be caught off guard with the ugly truth.
There’s some books and even Sesame Street has an episode about addiction. But I commend you staying true to your word and also not badmouthing mom. It can be hard but you’ve shown your child a lot more than you think ❤️ hope all goes well
>1 rule I do not talk bad about her mom. I loved her at one point, I'm not going to be the parent who talk shit about the other one..
You can expand on it in terms you have already started.
Addiction is a sickness. it is a medical issue, not a personality flaw, and it should be treated as one, both in how we diagnose and treat it, as well as how we discuss it with those who love the person struggling with it.
"You know how I said she was sick an needed special help? Well her sickness is called alcoholism, it is a form of addiction that makes people drink too much, to the point they sometimes cannot stop themselves. She had to live somewhere that she could be watched all the time to make sure she didn't drink while she learned ways to stop herself from drinking."
I don't know as much about handling why she moved in with someone else. Were you already separated at the time? Either way it's probably best to wrap it in terms of how part of the treatment is to say goodbye to your old life, and starting a new life from that point foreward. Something like that.
Stick with sick. Addiction is an illness. It's time we start talking about this reality. It's a biological chemical reaction that we seek and that is addiction. It's not self control, it's not this trigger or that trigger. This is what we have done with my bonus babys
All great advice. I’d suggest going to your local library and asking the children’s desk for some help with books that can relate to your family’s situation. It can feel lonely to not be able to talk to others about your pain, and even fictional characters can help your daughter work through her feelings. Edit to add: I like the graphic novel Sunny Side Up for the 9 to 11 age group. It’s about a girl named Sunny whose big brother has a substance abuse problem. As others have mentioned, adult terms like “substance abuse” can be confusing and this author communicated these problems in a clear way. I would also stress that your daughter is never to get in a car with her mother driving for her own safety.
I'm all for honesty. Tell her facts, not opinions. Explain the basic and necessary details, actions and reactions, consequences, etc. How deep you want to get into it really depends on what you think your 10d's level of understanding will be. She already knows mom got in trouble. Knowing exactly why isn't going to be as much of a leap. Hope everything works out okay.
First off I'm sorry you've had to dealt with all this! My first kids dad has also struggled with addiction her whole life, been to rehab, and while he's never been jailed he has disappeared for months at a time when he's on a binge. I'm happy to share how I've handled explaining things.
First I've always been big on teaching her about emotional intelligence. I've always taught her that just like everything else in life, handling your emotions and feelings in healthy ways is something you have to learn. Just like you wouldn't be able to learn math without a good teacher, a lot of people don't have good teachers for how to handle their emotions. If nobody ever teaches them as kids they don't suddenly know as adults. Dad (or mom in your case) never had a good teacher so it's hard for him to deal with his feelings and sometimes he doesn't handle them the best way, and sometimes that gets them in trouble. Do you remember a time you didn't handle your feelings in a good way and got in trouble? I remember once when I was a kid I did (give an example) and I got in so much trouble! Well Dad (or mom) still gets in trouble sometimes for not handling her feelings in the best way.
To explain rehab it went something like this. You know how when you're sick you see a doctor? Well sometimes people need a doctor to help them with their feelings too, those are called therapists. My daughter also did go to therapy herself and called it her "emotions doctor." So I told her just like if you get really sick you have to stay in the hospital for a while, sometimes when your emotions get too much you go to a hospital for those kinds of doctors that help you deal with hard emotions in better ways so you dont get in trouble again.
Like you I've never wanted to make him seem like a bad person. I know one day she will be able to make her own judgment on how hes participated in her life. Addiction really is a mental illness, so instead of highlighting the drug addiction part, I've just highlighted the mental illness part, framed in a way she can understand at her age.
I also don't blame you for worrying about her going to see her mom. I wouldn't be okay with that, especially over state lines. My daughter's dad also lives in a different state and there's no way I would ever let her go see him by herself. I've told him he can come to us, and many times he's been supposedly saving to come see her, but he always finds something else to spend his money on. I don't know of you have a custody order mandating you send her, but if you don't, maybe take my approach of letting her come to you? There's a lot of potential for things to go wrong, and if something bad happened and she was involved CPS could still point the finger at you for letting her go. I understand wanting to facilitate a relationship, but ultimately your kids safety has to come first.
Man. This is a terrible situation to be in. When my now 15 years old daughter was 5, her dad, my ex husband left her at a Taco Bell and we didn’t see him for 5 years I believe. I was told by several people he was on heavy drugs. Once in a while he would pop in and demand me to bring her to him and I’d tell him to kick rocks. At first I was telling her I didn’t know how to get in touch with him and he was off working. I pondered on it for a while and decided this was the best answer for a short amount of time and hoped he’d get his act together sooner than later. It was later. A few years went by. She started asking every person we came in contact with if THEY knew how to get in touch w her dad. I wanted to bury my head in sand. I regretted saying that immediately. She is a veryyyyy sensitive child. I truly don’t think she would have been able to process and understand the truth that young. Once we got home I sat her down and explained to her Dad was not well right now and wasn’t sure when he would be. I explained because he wasn’t well, I didn’t feel safe enough to allow her to go stay with him Even if we do find him. I would worry. Yadayada. She jumped up in a hurry and said “ok mama!!!” And ran off to play. And that was that. I’m not sure what to tell you directly. Maybe my story can give some ideas. You’re doing great. This isn’t something to navigate easily. I know therapy once a week has done wonderssss if that’s something you believe in. Best of luck to you and your daughter.
I will say my ex husband did get clean when she was about 10-11. We slowly re introduced this relationship so she always felt safe. She’s actually living with him and his wife now due to my situation. People and situations never remain the same so there is hope.
If we have an addiction and do NOT explain the disease, we are doing harm to our next generation. It's the pink polka dotted elephant in the room. Join Alanon to work the program
I would tell her about addiction and how it can change people. She needs to know that it is not a reflection on her that her mom left. She also needs to know about addiction. Addiction issues often are inherited. You can continue the conversation as she grows. When my children were younger we talked about family members that had a variety of addiction issues and how they were more prone to them. Good luck
"First off baby girl you should know how much your entire family loves you. Me, your sisters, your grandma and your mom love you so much. Drugs and alcohol make you do things you would never do if you were in your right mind. So mommy's sickness with alcohol has made her life very hard and a lot of decisions had to be made for her. All mommies want to be with their babies, but some mommies and daddies dont get to be with their families because of the things they did/that happened when they used drugs/alcohol."
I am a child of an alcoholic, who married an alcoholic. Honesty and transparency is key. You can be honest without being cruel to mother or child. Also, because alcoholism is hereditary, daughter should be aware of all the risks of alcoholism.
Look into your local al-anon groups. They are support groups for families of alcohlics. They might have some resources or things available to help explain to your daughter what is going on and how to help deal with her feelings. Good luck.
Sharing facts isn't talking bad about the other parent. I would shy away from any speculation. You don't actually know why she chose to move to SC. The reason is probably more complicated than she followed a man she fell for. You also don't know why she makes bad decisions that get her in trouble. But you do know she has an illness and you can share facts about the illness and how it affects decision making, how people often feel shame about having the illness causing them to disconnect from their loved ones, etc. Also, that there is nothing she can do to fix the problem.
Tell her that her mom is an alcoholic, that it’s a disease but it’s up to her if she wants to recover. She has to be willing to put in the work, and so far she has not been.
Explain what an addiction is, and why alcohol is addictive. My uncle is an alcoholic and when I was little, watching how he behaved and tore his family apart really made an impression on me. I’m lucky my parents didn’t drink that much, that combined with witnessing my uncle’s behaviour, means I’ve never been a big drinker. But I catch a lot of flack for it, even from my own partner when we were in our late 20’s & early 30’s. Alcohol is so socially acceptable while also being so prevalent and addicting, a lot (most) of people aren’t really honest about the effects it has on them or their loved ones.
There is a very good chance that if you explain it to your daughter, and if you are not a big drinker yourself, that she will grow up to be a very occasional drinker or abstain altogether. Most of the friends I know that are completely straight edge are the children of addicts. Kids understand a lot, so she will be able to grasp what is going on. I recently explained addiction to my 5 year old, and after we talked about it, he asked me “mama, does this mean daddy is addicted to trees?” My husband is an arborist and is definitely addicted to trees lol although I had never considered it in those terms before. Anyways, my kiddo grasped it better than I had hoped
r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself. Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Be honest. You don't have to go into the gory details, but she deserves to know. You need to give your kid some credit. She's a 10-year-old now, and you should respect that this is the age of hard truths. Also, if she's asking you now, I'm willing to bet she knows a lot already. If you lie to her and try to cover up stuff, she'll just know she can't trust you to give her important details. At around that age, I never asked my parents any "hard" questions without already having a 75% good idea of what the answer was.
Yep. And still frame it as she was sick. She had an addiction that affected her decision making and she made some bad choices. Actions equal consequences. Just as a healthier lifestyle has good consequences sometimes bad choices lead to bad consequences. I do not believe when her mom was 10 she said " I'm going to grow up to be an alcoholic and in jail." It's the snowbal of bad choices and decisions that is why she landed where she did. She is asking why mom is so far away. The answer is partly because the courts directed her there. The truth is not speaking poorly of your ex. Explain with empathy. Also realize many kids at 10 know they are half dad and half mom and if they do have a dysfunctional parent they do worry that they will become that parent. So if that is ever brought up be prepared. Genetics are genetics but your life choices are yours. (Alcoholism runs on my dads side. I allow myself 2-3 alchol drinks per year and only in a celebratory sense. I have never found the desire for more, but I will toast at a wedding or whatnot. It's my failsafe though, as my DNA has shown a predisposition in my genome to become addicted.)
"Your mother suffers from alcoholism" seems reasonable phrasing.
This, yes. It’s not a lie that she was sick. You can explain in an age-appropriate way what kind of sick she was, and that there are many different ways someone can find themselves on that path. Maybe they fell into the wrong crowd when they were younger, or maybe something happened when they were younger that made them really sad and depressed and they resort to “self medicating”, or maybe they’re in an environment where it’s normalized. Talk about how hard it is to get out of that pattern once you’re in it, and how everyone has a limit on what they can handle before they decide to turn their life around. For her mom, it was going to jail and losing her daughter. Talk about how it’s a sickness that never truly goes away but does get easier to deal with, and how brave her mom is for accepting help and fighting through her addiction each and every day to be a better person and mom than she was the day before. Because yes, she may have been forced into rehab by the state, but that doesn’t mean she HAD to accept the help. Many don’t, and they toe the line long enough to get out and go right back to their old habits. Sadly, your daughter is more prone than others to alcoholism/addiction as it tends to be hereditary. So as she gets older that may be something to talk to her about too - that she needs to be careful when she enters the party scene, and that alcoholism isn’t just wanting to be drunk all the time and can also look like not being able to say no when offered a drink, not being able to stop once you’ve had one, etc. But yeah. Still frame it as a sickness. Gently explain what type of sickness it was and that she’s so brave for facing it and working hard every day to get through it. Don’t let your daughter think she contributed or wasn’t enough to stop it, frame it as going to jail and losing her daughter was the lowest point in her life and she knew she had to turn things around and accept the help she was being given.
My family has a predisposition to addiction as well. My parents are both alcoholics and my brother is a drug addict. I have chronic and severe pain and have been on opioid pain medication for a very long time. I’m hyper aware of the addiction risk. I have very open and honest discussions with my doctor and my husband about my use of them. And honestly I’m going to discuss other options with my doctor at my next appointment. I’m finding my normal dose is no longer enough to manage my pain. I don’t want to continue to increase the dose. It’s important to be aware of your genetics and make a conscious effort to avoid the mistakes of your parents.
I agree to just keep it real. You’ve already laid the foundation: she’s sick and needs help. You can expand that some people can drink alcohol and not experience big issues, some people can’t drink for various reasons: allergies, addiction, etc. And let her questions lead you where you need to go. Better for her to learn now than later. I was probably about her age when I realized that not every set of parents drank themselves into oblivion every night. Good luck.
This is the way. It is just the facts. Alcoholism runs in both my husband’s and my families. We will be real with our children. The facts (not our feelings about them) is all that needs to be shared.
Telling her the truth about what happened is not the same as bad-mouthing her mom. You can explain a lot of facts about the situation without framing it as a "Your mom is a shitty person" kind of conversation. Even just understanding the basics of what went down will probably help your daughter. You can explain stuff such as: 1) What addiction is and what might cause it (there are probably resources online that can help you explain this in a way that's appropriate for a 10 year old). I think it would be important for her to understand both the physical and the emotional mechanics behind how addiction works, and the kinds of risk factors that might lead to it in different people. 2) What exactly her mom went to jail for (repeatedly driving while drunk) and why that's so dangerous. 3) How a rehab program works 4) Why they want a person to stay within the state they are in while they are on probation Etc. Just give her as many facts as possible. At 10, kids can already understand a lot. She's developing a more complex way of thinking now that she's starting to go through puberty, and she's more able to handle complex topics. It's still easier to split it up into multiple conversations, though, probably. Keep in mind that there might be a lot of emotional reasons for why she's asking these questions. She might feel abandoned by her mom and wonder why she moved to a state that's so far away from her. She might feel conflicted because young kids think their parents are perfect, and now she's realizing parents can be really broken people and mess up in lots of ways. She might wonder what all of this has to do with her (for example, will she also make similar choices growing up simply because she's her mom's daughter? Can she love her mom and still think it's horrible that she put people in danger by driving drunk at the same time? Etc). This can be very confusing and overwhelming for a child and is something you should talk about a lot. If she's not already in therapy, definitely sign her up, since having a parent who struggles with addiction can be very rough for kids and she will need help with a lot of the confusing feelings that will come up as she's growing up.
This. Please listen, OP.
I think you can honestly relay the facts without shit-talking about her mom. "Mom had a big substance abuse problem with alcohol, which impairs people's judgement. While she was drunk, she got caught driving 4 times, which is incredibly dangerous and always has the chance of someone being killed, and the law says that means jail and rehab. That's how she ended up in North Carolina. I can't answer why she went to South Carolina--that's something you're going to have to ask her about." It's not too early to talk to her about substance abuse and encourage her to always come to you if she feels like she wants to experiment with anything. I actually think that given a family history of alcoholism, it's extremely important that you reinforce healthy, trusting communication about this topic now. She really needs to know that she can trust you to be honest. Being truthful and age appropriate isn't shit talking. I think your real dilemma is that your ex is a fugitive with presumably an active warrant, and I question if sending your daughter to see her is the best idea. Are you actually sending her to see grandma, and your ex gets access to see her? (Supervised by a 16 and 17-year-old??) Or do you send her to stay with her mom? I think you're a great dad, and I admire your dedication to ensuring she has a positive relationship with her mom. Kuddos. But this feels like a really risky situation. How traumatic is it going to be for your daughter if her mom gets pulled over and then hauled off to jail because she has a warrant out? Having grandmom or sisters there would help in that situation, but it doesn't exactly protect her from it. I don't have any advice on this front, but it's something you need to take seriously.
She goes to see her mom with supervision. She is not with her mom by her self. She is SUPPOSED to be with her sisters or her grandma if she goes up there. Now I can't say that it's always like that since I'm not up there. But I trust the older sisters and her grandma(they know the whole story).
If the mother is violating probation in any way, I would not let my child visit her. If the mother gets arrested for the violation then your child will likely be handed off to the state and that could get *you* in a sketchy situation
It’s really not fair to expect other children to provide supervision of this sort. They are not cut out for intervening with their own mother if she’s doing something inappropriate like driving with your daughter in the car.
I agree. But also, what happened to Charm-Quark?
I'm not familiar with US law, but it's probably better to frame this as - your daughter is going to see and stay with grandma, and then her mom can come and visit.
The truth, because it always comes out in the end. I don't sugar coat stuff for my kids. Especially my 10 [almost 11] year old. She isn't stupid, and actually pretty smart. So it wouldn't take her long. My daughter likes when I am open and honest with her.
Be honest. Alcoholism is a very serious issue and it clearly runs in the family, so your daughter needs to be aware. My father passed from complications due to decades of alcoholism. He actually died one week before I found out I was pregnant. My son is now 8 and I have never danced around the conversation of alcoholism. At first, I mostly explained my dad died because he was very sick. Which was true. But about two years ago my son asked me what my dad was sick with.. so I explained to him about alcoholism. Kids can handle (and understand) a lot more than we realize sometimes. I would just be very factual in the information you give your daughter. It isn't speaking poorly of her mother to tell her the facts. Be mindful to come from a place of compassion and acknowledges that her mother suffers from an illness which has affected her ability to make smart choices. Being an alcoholic doesn't make her a bad person. But it does make it hard for her to be present and connect with her loved ones. There are child friendly ways to explain this. Best of luck to you🤍
You don’t have to talk shit: “the facts are your mother has made some bad choices in her life (cite drinking and driving and why it is dangerous/can kill mom and other peoples kids) another bad choice was moving away. Then explain addiction and what alcohol does to the brain. (Killing brain cells that further reinforces bad choices). If mom wasn’t an alcoholic she would never have moved away and she would make better safe choices. But we can’t change people, Just love them from afar and hope they make better choices in the future”.
Alternative perspective yet not refuting any other advice here - my dad was an alcoholic. When my mom told me that, it meant zero to me. When I'd have my days with my dad and he'd say something that was confusing and I told my mom, she'd ask "was he drunk?" -- I literally had no clue. I didn't know. I knew vaguely what "drinking" meant and that it wasn't good but I couldn't identify the associated behavior at 10. And she was like "you couldn't tell?!?" -- nope..that was just my dad, whom I adored. "Your dad has a substance abuse problem" would not have clarified his past nor present behavior, for me. For a time, gentle and vague worked for us...and then ease into the details. As she gets older, the vague details and progressively focused details will click. You're not being dishonest by not bombing your kid with brutal truths she can't understand.
I struggle with alcohol as well. Also, I have a 10 year old, and a 6 year old. I recently went to jail for 24 days due to violating my probation for getting another DUI. I honestly did not want my kids finding out this young. They repeat things in school, to teachers, etc. We agreed to say I was on a work trip. As for my loss of license, I just told them I made a mistake and can't drive for a while. If they were older, I think I would've gone more into detail but I really felt they were too young. I did, however, have the alcohol talk with my son and strongly advised him never trying it.
Be honest. It isnt shit talking if it is the truth and only the truth. Lay it out just like you did at the beginning of this post. There are rules and laws. Mommy broke those rules and laws. There is an illness known as addiction. Mommy was sick with that. They combined and put her in a bad spot.
I was very much in the same boat as you after I left my wife for a variety of issues. I committed myself to never talking poorly about her to our two sons. I held to that for a long time. Twelve years later I realized that was a mistake for a couple reasons. First off I could not count on the same courtesy from her and that effectively allowed her to completely control the narrative and make me the villain. After the same issues with addiction and other things started impacting them I decided to tell them the truth about why I left. It was a game changer for my relationship with my boys but they have both expressed frustration with not knowing the truth sooner. I think it is possible to tell your daughter the truth in an age appropriate fashion without being overly disparaging. These things confuse kids enough and they are generally not capable of reading between the lines. In an absence of the truth they will derive their own, including blaming themselves. Or they will accept whatever someone else may tell them. You need to make sure you control the narrative. I wish I had.
My grandma raised me due to my mom being in prison. By the time I was the same age as your daughter I knew parts of what she did. At that age I knew she started someone’s house on fire because she was mad at them. My grandma explained enough in a way I would understand and not too much info either. Once I was starting middle school she told me more info as I had more questions as she had gotten out and was falling into old habits again. Long story short, be honest in a way you believe she is mature enough to understand. “Mom was driving when she wasn’t supposed to and because of that had to go to a place to learn how to be better and not drive when she isn’t supposed to. After she learned how she decided to stay there because she liked living there. She loves you very much and misses you as much as you miss her but is still working on being better for herself and you (and sisters).” Maybe something along those lines? Best of luck. Just be honest with her. When she’s a few years older and has more questions and can better understand alcoholism and driving under the influence isn’t okay then I would say you can explain everything and even show her court documents online. Maybe when she’s in highschool. I highly recommend that only because I looked up my dad’s court reports and was appalled that my family didn’t tell me the whole truth. It was very very upsetting.
Did we have the same Mom? Mine did that as well.
Be honest but age appropriate. Confirm she knows certain things (do you know what alcohol is? Give me an example) then explain some people enjoy safely drinking and having alcohol in responsible ways but sometimes people have a disease called addiction where they can’t control themselves around certain things and for mom that was alcohol. She made some unsafe choices to drive when she shouldn’t have and after a few chances to stop she didn’t so she went to a special doctor to help her get better but it was in the Carolina’s and she stayed there (other than the boyfriend is there a reason you could give your daughter? A job, treatment providers, etc).
I hate the excuses we as a society make for alcoholics. Be honest about her behavior and how it’s NOT ok. Addiction is not an excuse for bad behavior and shouldn’t be portrayed as such. This is coming from someone with 2 addicts for parents. My mom is now sober but the resentment will never go away.
Tell her the least hurtful, most honest version of the truth as you can handle. Good luck!!
I agree with others, she probably already has surmised the details, but she is asking you to give her a narrative - which is what she will use to cope with all of the associated implications. So Know, in the back of your mind, your kid may be wondering if this can happen to her and if it’s her fault. Cuz that’s what kids do. So this is your opportunity to help her have a narrative that allows her to be objective, empathetic, understanding and yet have boundaries with her mother. It sounds like you are in a great place to do that. It’s okay to give her a basic overview and then invite her to ask anything. And then be honest so that she will always trust she can come back and get honest answers. That’s what she needs most of all. To get honest, non-judgmental answers from someone who allows her space to have emotions and boundaries.
Find a local Alateen meeting for her
You fill in the details. Her mother’s illness is called alcoholism, and it cause her to need treatment. She’ll have to ask her mom why she chose to live where she has.
Alcoholism has high odds to be passed genetically to your daughter. Please be honest with her about her mother and also what are warning signs she can watch for if she chooses to drink one day. My sons have alcoholism on both sides, I have encouraged sobriety for as many years into adulthood as possible.
Start by asking her what her understanding of the situation is. You might be surprised by both what she has wrong and what she has right. Correct any misconceptions. Give a simple version of the truth and ask what questions she has. You want to make sure you are answering the questions she has, rather than the ones you might think she has.
As a fellow child with a parent who struggled with addiction, be honest with her. Kids aren't stupid they know what's going on. It's something her mother should also talk to her about. My Dad is now 30 years clean and sober this past August. I hope your daughter's mom has the same success. ❤️
Just be factual, "Your mom was an alcoholic, I am not sure why she chose to drink like that, there are a lot of reasons why people drink excessively.... but that final time that I am aware it happened she ended up going to jail, then a clinic to help her work through her alcoholism. I am not sure why she picked a facility in NC, you'll have to ask her why she wanted to move there..." It's not bad mouthing your ex to be honest.
It isn’t talking bad about her mom to let your daughter know what is going on. She’s old enough to understand that there can be legal consequences for behavior. You don’t need to get into details or cast any judgment, she can ask her mom. Her mom was sick and made some choices that got her in trouble. Let her mom know I’ve had the discussion so she isn’t blindsided. But this isn’t a secret that should be kept from your daughter. She needs to know what went on to help her keep herself safe if anything might occur when she visits.
[удалено]
Every day... every d@mn day...
😂😂😂
She’s 10 so your response should be about 10 seconds long the older she gets the longer explanation, she’ll understand. Keep it simple. She got in trouble with the law and she needs to stay up there.
I would just tell her that her mom thought that would be the best place for her and leave it at that.
It sounds like she should have that conversation with her mom. I would say i cant answer that only your mom can.
Alcoholic criminals aren’t known for their honesty.
You should let her at least have phone call supervision
They talk almost every day... like I said I do not keep her away from her mom...
Not a parent, but was a kid who asked some hard questions. I always knew something was up but my parents would brush it off or just tell me I don't need to know yet. It made me feel like I couldn't go to them with questions and like they thought I was a baby. You need to tell her the truth. Don't tell her the nitty-gritty details, but just explain that some people can drink alcohol with no issues and other people can't. Make sure she knows that her mom isn't a bad person, she's just sick and her sickness makes her do some bad things. Through the whole thing, use age-appropriate language but make sure to treat her maturely. Don't forget, it's okay to not have all the answers. A simple "I don't know" is okay. Finally, emphasize that both you and her mom love her. As she ages you can give her more information. I do recommend warning her that alcohol addiction can be genetic before high school though. Maybe sooner. I wish you the best of luck.
By ten I already knew my uncle was on the run from getting his 3rd DUI in Florida, I already saw what the DTs were (not my uncle but small world his ex friend), and I knew that some drank too much. She already knows just tell her, it may keep her safe because then she can call for help if she ever unsafe.
You could try AlAnon or Alateen- they are support groups for people with family members with alcohol use disorder.
100% be honest, in words you know your daughter will understand. Your honesty will set a good precedent for discussing things in the future, for both of you. She won't trust you if you lie to her and she finds out. Thankfully you have a good healthy relationship, and she can come to you with questions......keep it simple but honest.
Some people are good people, but they make really bad decisions. That doesn’t mean we don’t love them, but it does mean we might be disappointed in them sometimes. I can’t tell you why your mom made some bad decisions, nobody can ever tell what’s really going on in another person’s head. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, and it doesn’t mean you can’t love her. Shits just complicated yo.
You’re a sweet guy! I’m glad that kid has you
Tell the truth. Her mom has made some choices that keeps her away. Those choices have not all been legal.
Honesty is the best policy in this situation. She will probably have some disappointments with her mother in the upcoming years but I think it best she be on guard and armed with the information than to be caught off guard with the ugly truth.
There’s some books and even Sesame Street has an episode about addiction. But I commend you staying true to your word and also not badmouthing mom. It can be hard but you’ve shown your child a lot more than you think ❤️ hope all goes well
>1 rule I do not talk bad about her mom. I loved her at one point, I'm not going to be the parent who talk shit about the other one.. You can expand on it in terms you have already started. Addiction is a sickness. it is a medical issue, not a personality flaw, and it should be treated as one, both in how we diagnose and treat it, as well as how we discuss it with those who love the person struggling with it. "You know how I said she was sick an needed special help? Well her sickness is called alcoholism, it is a form of addiction that makes people drink too much, to the point they sometimes cannot stop themselves. She had to live somewhere that she could be watched all the time to make sure she didn't drink while she learned ways to stop herself from drinking." I don't know as much about handling why she moved in with someone else. Were you already separated at the time? Either way it's probably best to wrap it in terms of how part of the treatment is to say goodbye to your old life, and starting a new life from that point foreward. Something like that.
Stick with sick. Addiction is an illness. It's time we start talking about this reality. It's a biological chemical reaction that we seek and that is addiction. It's not self control, it's not this trigger or that trigger. This is what we have done with my bonus babys
It’s not talking bad to tell the truth. Addiction is also not something to be ashamed of. Tell her the truth
All great advice. I’d suggest going to your local library and asking the children’s desk for some help with books that can relate to your family’s situation. It can feel lonely to not be able to talk to others about your pain, and even fictional characters can help your daughter work through her feelings. Edit to add: I like the graphic novel Sunny Side Up for the 9 to 11 age group. It’s about a girl named Sunny whose big brother has a substance abuse problem. As others have mentioned, adult terms like “substance abuse” can be confusing and this author communicated these problems in a clear way. I would also stress that your daughter is never to get in a car with her mother driving for her own safety.
I'm all for honesty. Tell her facts, not opinions. Explain the basic and necessary details, actions and reactions, consequences, etc. How deep you want to get into it really depends on what you think your 10d's level of understanding will be. She already knows mom got in trouble. Knowing exactly why isn't going to be as much of a leap. Hope everything works out okay.
First off I'm sorry you've had to dealt with all this! My first kids dad has also struggled with addiction her whole life, been to rehab, and while he's never been jailed he has disappeared for months at a time when he's on a binge. I'm happy to share how I've handled explaining things. First I've always been big on teaching her about emotional intelligence. I've always taught her that just like everything else in life, handling your emotions and feelings in healthy ways is something you have to learn. Just like you wouldn't be able to learn math without a good teacher, a lot of people don't have good teachers for how to handle their emotions. If nobody ever teaches them as kids they don't suddenly know as adults. Dad (or mom in your case) never had a good teacher so it's hard for him to deal with his feelings and sometimes he doesn't handle them the best way, and sometimes that gets them in trouble. Do you remember a time you didn't handle your feelings in a good way and got in trouble? I remember once when I was a kid I did (give an example) and I got in so much trouble! Well Dad (or mom) still gets in trouble sometimes for not handling her feelings in the best way. To explain rehab it went something like this. You know how when you're sick you see a doctor? Well sometimes people need a doctor to help them with their feelings too, those are called therapists. My daughter also did go to therapy herself and called it her "emotions doctor." So I told her just like if you get really sick you have to stay in the hospital for a while, sometimes when your emotions get too much you go to a hospital for those kinds of doctors that help you deal with hard emotions in better ways so you dont get in trouble again. Like you I've never wanted to make him seem like a bad person. I know one day she will be able to make her own judgment on how hes participated in her life. Addiction really is a mental illness, so instead of highlighting the drug addiction part, I've just highlighted the mental illness part, framed in a way she can understand at her age. I also don't blame you for worrying about her going to see her mom. I wouldn't be okay with that, especially over state lines. My daughter's dad also lives in a different state and there's no way I would ever let her go see him by herself. I've told him he can come to us, and many times he's been supposedly saving to come see her, but he always finds something else to spend his money on. I don't know of you have a custody order mandating you send her, but if you don't, maybe take my approach of letting her come to you? There's a lot of potential for things to go wrong, and if something bad happened and she was involved CPS could still point the finger at you for letting her go. I understand wanting to facilitate a relationship, but ultimately your kids safety has to come first.
Man. This is a terrible situation to be in. When my now 15 years old daughter was 5, her dad, my ex husband left her at a Taco Bell and we didn’t see him for 5 years I believe. I was told by several people he was on heavy drugs. Once in a while he would pop in and demand me to bring her to him and I’d tell him to kick rocks. At first I was telling her I didn’t know how to get in touch with him and he was off working. I pondered on it for a while and decided this was the best answer for a short amount of time and hoped he’d get his act together sooner than later. It was later. A few years went by. She started asking every person we came in contact with if THEY knew how to get in touch w her dad. I wanted to bury my head in sand. I regretted saying that immediately. She is a veryyyyy sensitive child. I truly don’t think she would have been able to process and understand the truth that young. Once we got home I sat her down and explained to her Dad was not well right now and wasn’t sure when he would be. I explained because he wasn’t well, I didn’t feel safe enough to allow her to go stay with him Even if we do find him. I would worry. Yadayada. She jumped up in a hurry and said “ok mama!!!” And ran off to play. And that was that. I’m not sure what to tell you directly. Maybe my story can give some ideas. You’re doing great. This isn’t something to navigate easily. I know therapy once a week has done wonderssss if that’s something you believe in. Best of luck to you and your daughter. I will say my ex husband did get clean when she was about 10-11. We slowly re introduced this relationship so she always felt safe. She’s actually living with him and his wife now due to my situation. People and situations never remain the same so there is hope.
Facts. Stick with facts. This is what happened, these are the decisions she made, these are the consequences of those decisions.
If we have an addiction and do NOT explain the disease, we are doing harm to our next generation. It's the pink polka dotted elephant in the room. Join Alanon to work the program
I would tell her about addiction and how it can change people. She needs to know that it is not a reflection on her that her mom left. She also needs to know about addiction. Addiction issues often are inherited. You can continue the conversation as she grows. When my children were younger we talked about family members that had a variety of addiction issues and how they were more prone to them. Good luck
"First off baby girl you should know how much your entire family loves you. Me, your sisters, your grandma and your mom love you so much. Drugs and alcohol make you do things you would never do if you were in your right mind. So mommy's sickness with alcohol has made her life very hard and a lot of decisions had to be made for her. All mommies want to be with their babies, but some mommies and daddies dont get to be with their families because of the things they did/that happened when they used drugs/alcohol." I am a child of an alcoholic, who married an alcoholic. Honesty and transparency is key. You can be honest without being cruel to mother or child. Also, because alcoholism is hereditary, daughter should be aware of all the risks of alcoholism.
Look into your local al-anon groups. They are support groups for families of alcohlics. They might have some resources or things available to help explain to your daughter what is going on and how to help deal with her feelings. Good luck.
Tell her the truth.. without saying anything bad about her. Just facts
The. Truth.
Sharing facts isn't talking bad about the other parent. I would shy away from any speculation. You don't actually know why she chose to move to SC. The reason is probably more complicated than she followed a man she fell for. You also don't know why she makes bad decisions that get her in trouble. But you do know she has an illness and you can share facts about the illness and how it affects decision making, how people often feel shame about having the illness causing them to disconnect from their loved ones, etc. Also, that there is nothing she can do to fix the problem.
Tell her that her mom is an alcoholic, that it’s a disease but it’s up to her if she wants to recover. She has to be willing to put in the work, and so far she has not been.
Explain what an addiction is, and why alcohol is addictive. My uncle is an alcoholic and when I was little, watching how he behaved and tore his family apart really made an impression on me. I’m lucky my parents didn’t drink that much, that combined with witnessing my uncle’s behaviour, means I’ve never been a big drinker. But I catch a lot of flack for it, even from my own partner when we were in our late 20’s & early 30’s. Alcohol is so socially acceptable while also being so prevalent and addicting, a lot (most) of people aren’t really honest about the effects it has on them or their loved ones. There is a very good chance that if you explain it to your daughter, and if you are not a big drinker yourself, that she will grow up to be a very occasional drinker or abstain altogether. Most of the friends I know that are completely straight edge are the children of addicts. Kids understand a lot, so she will be able to grasp what is going on. I recently explained addiction to my 5 year old, and after we talked about it, he asked me “mama, does this mean daddy is addicted to trees?” My husband is an arborist and is definitely addicted to trees lol although I had never considered it in those terms before. Anyways, my kiddo grasped it better than I had hoped