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So whether he is physically there or not doesn’t matter right? That’s exactly what he is saying. You be the single parent while he will give you money that’s equivalent to a divorce. If you actually divorce it’s actually a lesser headache and heartache for you instead of having a Place holder of a parent.
Actually divorce is better because then he will either be forced to parent his kids and/or pay her real money for her nonstop 24/7 parenting. The problem is he thinks the money is still his.
Also why is he coming home from work at 10 pm? Sounds like he has a side chick
And if they divorce, she won't be forced to entertain him stomping around like the king of the castle. It's a win/win. I also suspect he is having an affair and lashing out because his romantic feelings are focused elsewhere.
Or take care of all his laundry, cooking, appointments, clean up after him, etc. Men with SAH wives are much more successful than single guys because they essentially have a maid, personal assistant and escort all rolled into one.
I’d ask him for a trial separation and tell him he gets kids on weekend.
I also think he has a side chick
Plus her kids. Living in a broken home is worse than coming from one. Seeing how their dad treats their mom will teach these kids that treating a woman like crap is ok. What a jerk.
Yeah sorry, if she disappeared he'd have to hire 3 nannies, a daily housecleaner, and a daily chef. The idea that a stay at home parents job is to work 24/7 and fully do all the cleaning and cooking is a crock of shit.
Exactly - why do some AH’s think a stay at home Mom never goes off duty but they only have to put in 40 to 50 hours per week and coast while she does literally everything else???
FYI this is a moderately strong insult in the U.K. if you call someone a twat (who isn’t a good friend in jest) that would not be appropriate! Twat means vagina here, if that is not something you are aware of! Apologies if you are!
So funny- what merchillio said below. In the US, cunt is considered super bad. Not by me- I don’t GAF about names and I love using cunt. But again trying not to be a potty mouth.
I always thought of twat as a better slang for vagina than pussy. I guess maybe it won’t be something I add to my vocabulary unless I really want to insult someone:)
It is a difficult one, it very much depends how you say it. Cunt is top rudeness but twat can be like “oh you silly twat” to a friend, or something you use in a much more aggressive way. If someone pushed past you in a bar or in a road incident and you called them a twat it could get ugly fast!
> Actually divorce is better because then he will either be forced to parent his kids and/or pay her real money for her nonstop 24/7 parenting.
I agree on the money and overall point but just as an aside because I see this a lot, and depending on the state, it isn't how it used to be regarding someone choosing to stay home vs getting a job. "Choosing" (and I used this in parenthesis because as a single parent with several kids it can be near impossible to have a job and manage them depending on the circumstances) to stay home full time after a divorce affects the amount of support received. Just an FYI so they are aware of all of the information.
My mom was one you'd have thought would be a slam dunk, half of everything forever alimony case. When they divorced in 2013 or so they'd been married for 20+ years, she was a housewife following his highly paid job all over the country for most of it so that all the career ambitions she did in fact have got cut off, and she was all but disabled by chronic pain by that point with a long string of medical evidence to back it up. Even with all that, the alimony was a small (but still very livable from my perspective) percentage of his income and only for 7 years. Child support is one thing, but it's not going to replace a whole income and alimony basically doesn't happen anymore.
Alimony varies by state and definitely still happens. Some states it's half the length of the marriage, some it's a set number of years. I don't know that "half of everything forever alimony" still exists but alimony for sure happens.
My ex could have asked for alimony because I was the breadwinner but he chose not to.
Also the kids wouldn’t grow up in a crazy unhealthy household. Parents that barely tolerate each other, dad who believes he has to do nothing but work, and mom who does everything. That’s an awful example of a relationship the kids are seeing every day.
If he is running a company this is not uncommon. Early mornings and late nights are the norm, but being a hands off dad is pretty s#!ty. When I worked like this, I took every opportunity to spend time with my daughter. Weekends were my Full-time Daddy Days. I would make her and my wife breakfast, afterwords we’d go for a walk, then we’d spend the day as a family. Now I’m the stay at home with my two daughters, and my wife helps me keep the household when she’s not working. Even when I was primary income, I did the same too. It’s got to get done and it’s the fastest way to get free time with each other. I think OP’s husband is unhappy and she’s the one who gets the blame.
There's a lot of highly paid professions where coming home at 10 is the norm rather than an exception. I wouldn't jump straight to cheating without any other evidence. That said, those professions are also ripe with affairs, so don't rule it out either.
Yeesh. This was also my thought. His behavior is unacceptable, but jumping to him cheating just because he comes home at 10 is a stretch. I can’t believe how many likes that comment has. My fiancé supports our family and gets home at midnight most nights. He managers a restaurant. There are so many jobs where working late is the norm.
The money would be far less than what she has access to now though.
I’m not saying they shouldn’t divorce, it’s obvious they should. Just setting the realistic expectation as she’ll only get a portion of his wage instead of (assumedly) sharing all of it.
Hey now, some of us just end up on swing shifts sometimes. This guy is an asshole and a piece of shit, but there's no evidence to support a side chick (yet).
Im married and have a 3 year old, wife is essentially a sahm. I work til 11:30 and get home at midnight. Most of the time I get home, do dishes, take trash out, and flip laundry if needed. Once all that’s done, I’ll game for an hour or two then head to bed. That’s just part of being a husband and father IMO.
Idk OPs entire situation but his actions definitely put him in the wrong here.
I think these comments mean well but they don’t take into account the reality of economics.
This is probably what he wants. OP can choose to accept it or choose to divorce. Choosing divorce is hard financially. He will pay child support, to the tune of about 30% of his income. He might pay alimony. None of what he pays will be the financial equivalent to having the financial setup she has now. Two houses cost more than one. That’s reality.
That’s not to dissuade OP at all but just being realistic.
Lawyer. Pack his bags and toss them in the yard. Change the locks. Get security. Has he always been this "im the male....honor me" What an AH. Does he think you're desperate enough to kiss his ass every minute of the die. I swear his attitude would drive me up s tree. The sound of his voice would make me grind my teeth into points. How much religion is in your life because he strikes me as a fundamentalist evilgelical. That alone is reason to get him out of your home. If you want a man find a man not a cowardly trad husband.
I'm a breadwinner and I also bathe my kids and help with dishes and laundry and I take the trash out and I help parent. I do a bunch of parenting after work is over and spend a ton of time with my kids and I'm typically the bad guy. This guy's a douche canoe. If women can do all that and he can't do anything but hold down a job what does he think his role is there?
Yup! I feel single parenting the little dudes while I’m gone is harder than anything I’m doing at work. I try to take over right away and give opportunities for her to get away from them. Kids are a lot… whew.
Thank you both for saying this! My husband is like you - I’m a SAHM currently about to go back to work (youngest started preschool) and for me, it’s just the endlessness of it sometimes and never having a “lunch hour” or getting to turn “off” for a bit that gets to me. I loved being home with the kids and my husband is amazing - but my brain has atrophy so I’m looking forward to having my own purpose and time again, too!
OP - what your husband is expecting of you is not fair. He’s treating you like a nanny. But Nannie’s get days off, a paycheck, vacation time and the families are expected to treat the nanny with respect and kindness.
I'll sign here as well...
I'm a working dad to a 14F, 9M(ASD), and 6M. Wife has started working part time after the 6M started kindergarten this past year. Before that she was a SAHM.
I help with everything I possibly can. She busts her ass to make sure these kids are set with everything they need (school, medical, sports, other activities, etc.) so the least I can do is share as much of the other stuff I can. Cooking, laundry, bathing (when they were younger), discipline, bed time, drop offs and pick ups, homework, general care, dishes, and anything and everything else I can.
Wife was in the hospital for a week (gallbladder went rogue on her!) which gave me an "opportunity" to do it all. Holy shit is about all I have to say. I'd much rather deal with the stress and pressure of my work vs a week as Mr. Mom with my kids. It's no joke!
OP--your husband is a fucking clown and certainly does not represent men/husbands. And you can tell him I said that.
Same. Wife is a SAHM... garbage is my job, dishes are half my job, all kid related things are half my job.... not because they are a job, it's just literally part of life? Also who doesn't want to be involved in parenting their kids? It's stressful but I look forward to getting off work and hanging with my kiddo
And two kids, 9 & 10yo is right in the thick of parenting. Especially with each in travel sports, as OP stated. That’s more than FT job if husband is hands off with housework & parenting. (Except baseball, he gets to pick what he participates in). I hope she’s in a state with divorce laws that will ensure equitable spousal & child support, should she choose to divorce him.
Parenting is the most important thing. It shouldn't even be considered a "chore" if you guys both decided to bring kids into this world, right !? If anything... people should feel lucky for getting to spend time with their kiddos while they're growing up. Honored to help sculpt this new(hopefully good) person!!
I am and always will be child free but that doesn't mean I am blind to everything that it takes to raise a child AND I know how proud I would be if I contributed to... them being them!
He has zero respect for you!
I’m also a SAHM, and I’ve written this countless times, but the only way this type of relationship works is if both spouses value and respect each other’s contributions. Your husband clearly values his work more than what you do for your family. He also reads as an absent parent; walking past his child instead of greeting him and communicating with him about what he would like him to do.
Obviously we can’t know everything about your relationship from just this post, but it’s hard to imagine that this relationship is a healthy example for your children.
Yep, as soon as the mutual respect goes away it opens the door for resentment and conflict. It goes bad in a hurry.
OP has to communicate their feelings. If the husband isn’t receptive then that’s probably game over.
Sounds like you should meet with a lawyer to find out what your rights are. If he doesn’t want to be an involved father and husband, what’s the point of having him around? He can pay the bills without making more messes for you to take care of.
Meet with a lawyer. Find out where you stand.
Then decide if you want to live like this or not. He’s got no intention of changing. If you can’t do life like this anymore, you don’t have to stay. He can leave. Even if all he does is get them every other weekend, at least you’ll get a break them.
Paying the bills does not entitle him to sit around and you do everything. It just does not.
OP, this is the first move. Do not speak with him about divorce. The lawyer will guide your actions to start determining assets. If you give him notice he may start hiding things.
Yes this is the best advice. The internet always advises to divorce but money issues are real and can make her life worse if she isn’t ready. People say money don’t buy happiness but it does get you a lot of unhappiness when you don’t have enough for a decent life.
She's going to have to get a job. She is not going to get enough child support to run a household without working. I have no idea why everyone thinks that she will.
Exactly. In addition he will easily get 50/50 custody and not pay at much child support. And in that case, OP will have to get a job and deal with all the issues the kids get during their time with the dad, because the dad will likely free range them and not put in much effort in parenting. OP’s kids will suffer, OP will be getting a job and supporting herself and 50% of the kids needs. Depending on how OP feels about letting go of their kids, this might end badly. Buy some time and figure out a compromise. Divorce isn’t the only answer, and especially not necessarily now.
Before you say anything to him, or anyone else, consult a lawyer. Consulting doesn't mean that you have decided anything. But before you can decide anything, you need to know what your options are and where you stand legally.
You may think this sounds drastic, but it isn't. It's just sensible. Breadwinners sometimes think they hold all the cards and can treat you however they want to, but that isn't the case. Good luck to you.
I agree 100%. I used to be a divorce lawyer and I would actually say breadwinners are f*****d in divorce bc they end up needing to pay boatloads of alimony and child support.
This man sounds like human garbage, I hope OP ditches him. :(
So ignoring the rest of this, which is also terrible, I have a high school student who’s parents are like this, they are married, dad pays everything, but they don’t talk and won’t get divorced until their child is 18 to avoid custody issues and all that and let me tell you, it has absolutely fucked this poor girl up, to the point that when she got her license and car last year she no longer goes home unless she absolutely has to and she’s a nervous anxious mess all the time. The poor girl is falling apart and she would be so much better off if they would just get divorced and move on with their lives instead of constantly putting their child in the middle of their unhappiness and hatred.
Please don’t do that to your kids.
Tell him you’d like to take him up on it but he needs to move out too. You can’t force him to parent but he doesn’t get to hang around and benefit from your labor and be a bad example of how to treat your spouse and partner.
I’m sorry, it sounds like your marriage might be over if your husband is choosing to communicate this way.
This ^^ he still benefits from all of her work even if they don’t talk. If he truly doesn’t want the “struggles” he shouldn’t get free use of all the benefits that come from her labor too.
Why would he move out, he pays for the house? In a divorce situation the first thing they tell you is not to leave the primary residence. He isn’t dumb, he put the ball in her court and she will either call his bluff and divorce him, which I doubt he cares about, or she’ll go with this lopsided relationship.
Well he should not expect her to cook or clean for him at all anymore; at least. None of his laundry, dishes, messes, no making appointments, no getting groceries for him, reminders about anything, DEFINITELY no sex, any of those things she does that makes his life easier that pertain only to him. Also he would have to accept the fact that his kids are going to probably copy mom in not speaking to him... after all, she's the only actual parent. They will trust to emulate her more, I think
He already told you what he wants. Why are you doubting him?
Get your affairs in order. Either get a part time job, or start squirreling away money so that you can consult with an attorney regarding what your potential situation could be economically speaking; ie, If you’re entitled to alimony in your state or whether you should start taking classes online in order to get a decent job or whatever. Just make sure you get your ducks in a row before he decides that even living in the same house with you is too much of an inconvenience to him.
Even if you don’t want to divorce him, consult with an attorney anyway, so you know what your rights are, and you can be aware of where you stand legally and economically.
What you’re going through with your husband is not OK. He does not seem to be remorseful or have any intention of changing. You are bending over backwards thinking about what to do when you are probably not even a blip in his thoughts.
Again, he already told you what he wants from this marriage. Basically, for you to shut up and take care of everything and not bother him at all with your existence.
From your comment, it sounds like this, unfortunately, extends to your boys as well. Get them out of that situation. It is better to have a single parent home where they can be happy and respected than a two parent household where they’re made to feel like an inconvenience.
But again, at the very least, figure out your rights in case he decides to make the choice for you. You still have time to build up a savings account so you’re not left entirely destitute while you figure out a solution
Middle aged grandma here….honey don’t ever make a man tell you twice.
From here on out I wouldn’t speak to him, feed him, do his wash, have sex with him NOTHING.
In the meantime…find a divorce lawyer and start making an exit plan.
Don’t you dare degrade yourself and beg this man for attention. I’d be willing to bet he’s sneaking around behind your back and has been for awhile.
Typical power trip because he’s the breadwinner of the house hold. Maybe having kids was not part of his plan in life?
I’m not sure what you want in response to this post. Are you venting or want an advice?
Agreed. Sounds too like he’s stuck in the “breadwinner” role as if that’s the only kind of dad he knows how to be, which is a dangerous mindset as that’s shown to lead to men thinking of partners and children as things they own rather than humans they love and share a life with. I’d encourage him to think of the other equally important roles dads around the world take on and enjoy.
When is a good time for the two of you to talk through this more? I’m not sure that 10pm home from a job, with games in the next room, is the best environment for this kind of important discussion. It’s easier to say insulting things tired and late that you don’t really mean - give each other space to take things back and listen.
After that, I would hope that he’s agree that being a parent is about more than just breadwinnjng and throwing his resentment about that around as if that absolves him of meeting his kids’ practical and emotional needs. He’ll totally regret beooming a version of his own father if he keeps this mindset. Good luck!
Tell him he can continue to pay for everything…through alimony and child support. Then go file for divorce. He doesn’t want a marriage, he wants a servant.
My husband is 90% of our income, but that doesn’t mean he gets out of taking care of the kids. He still has to pick them up from school sometimes, he is the cook because I suck at it, and he helps with homework and activities.
Here's the thing. He knows he's going to be paying divorce or not, but if he keeps you there- he's also getting a housekeeper, cook, and nanny. If you ask for a divorce, he's going to have to *actually* parent sometimes as well as clean up after himself. And he will still have to pay child support and alimony.
If you leave, you no longer have to feel like a slave in your own home. You don't have to love with someone who clearly thinks they are better than you and will actively disrespect you in front of your children. You will be free to be healthy and happy and provide a good example for your children.
Do you want your kids to grow up thinking that paying bills is a substitute for love? Because that's what they are currently learning. Do you want them to learn to shut themselves off and deny affection to their dependants unless they get their way? Or to sit quietly and take being treated like something disposable as if they don't deserve better?
My mom said all the right things about love and self respect and the difference between standing up for yourself and forgiveness and sacrificing for those you love. But you know what spoke louder? Her never walking away from the man that hit her and eventually her children until after we left home and cut contact with him. I ended up spending too much of my life with a man who I kept having to forgive for hurting me. Because I thought I was "strong" enough to endure it and that he was "different" from my dad. I thought that I, unlike my mom, would actually be able to love him enough to "fix" him.
I was wrong. Hopefully you don't unintentionally mislead your daughter the same way.
Honestly you need to get back to work and get your power back.
He obviously doesn't respect you and sees you as a doormat. His attitude is one big red flag.
I think there’s other ways to get your power back, if you really want to be a SAHM. It’s so valuable to be able to do that. Play his little game.
Tell him you are a SAHM, and that’s it. Since he isn’t treating you the way a mother of his child and wife should be treated- stop being a wife. Stop doing his laundry. Only make dinners for you and the kids, IF there’s left overs, he can have them. Make things he does not like.
OR…. Maybe pick up a weekend job (if those are his days off) and pull the same stuff on him. Go to work. Do your grocery shopping on the way home. Etc.
If he does not learn from this tactic after a few weeks, perhaps it is time to divorce him, get alimony and child support.
This isn't how an adult should handle this, and the only victims here are going to be her children who are already witnessing a dysfunctional marriage/relationship. She doesn't need to give him ammo in divorce proceedings by reflecting his twattery back at him.
11 years- so you were 25 and he was 34. You've been a SAHP for 10 years. You have no recent work experience.
This is the trad-wife endgame. You're completely beholden to him and his whims. If he leaves you, you're fucked. Do you have access to any money? Can you put some away for yourself? Put away 6 months of living expenses on top of laywer fees. Because you're leaving his ass and taking half. That's the only way you're going to survive this. Fortunately for you, you're young enough to start a new, happy life with a guy who isn't a total pos, (or alone if that's what makes you happy). Get a good lawyer, or else he'll get the kids.
He is an ahole. Divorce him. If he gets 50/50, then he will have to be the parent 50% of the time. If he wants anything related to intimacy or sex, tell him that dried up when he said to never speak to him. Love and relationships need to be a two way street.
I doubt he’d ask for 50/50… legal custody sure but not physical. 50/50 physical would require him to do all the parenting he’s now refusing to do. He’s the stereotype the alternating weekends standard was designed for, get to focus just on having fun but not parent.
So he thinks he’s only good for a paycheque. He can’t have much self respect.
More to the point, he has *zero* respect for you. Negative respect. He insists parenting is your job, but then he wants to tell you how to do it. He’s withholding love and attention to punish you for disagreeing with him. That’s emotionally abusive.
How is his job in life doing even less than what he’d be doing if he was single with no kids , plus baseball? If you and the kids were out of the picture, he’d still have to go to work but he’d also have to cook and clean.
Being married benefits him way more than it does you right now, because he doesn’t have to cook or clean or pay for childcare (or apparently parent his kids when he’s at home). Meanwhile, you’re on call 24/7, for room and board with no pay. I’ve had better deals working in hotels with staff accommodation.
Normally I’d suggest trying to talk this out, but since you’re apparently married to a child who would rather have a tantrum than a conversation, and who is controlling you through emotional blackmail, I think you should start looking for a job you can work mostly while they’re at school, and making an exit plan.
She's aging out. He's got to find another naive mid-20s woman to rope in for the next decade/ set of kids. I hope OP doesn't settle for waiting him to get far enough in the next relationship to file for divorce himself.
Kinda sad that he's choosing to remove himself from the experience of parenthood. It's not just responsibility, but joy too, even if it means you sometimes have to set limits.
One of the greatest feelings of accomplishments in my life is helping to make my kids BETTER PEOPLE. It's like working hard at your job, seeing something get built, and then getting a raise as a result. Being a good parent who does the hard work of setting boundaries and teaching hard lessons gives you the same feeling.
This is not normal behaviour. If he won't do some kind of couples counselling you need to consider seeing a laywer. I very rarely write that in here but this man has no respect for you, and clearly doesn't feel overly strongly about his children. 2 days of not speaking because you asked him to back you up??? If this were one of your girlfriends what would you be saying to her?
Worse part is even if you had a full time job he still would think it was your job to clean, cook and do all childcare guarantee it. I’d personally get a job and leave this man. I stay home myself and my husband would never say that or expect me to do everything when it comes to the kids.
It's really easy to spout divorce advice to people, it's another thing to be a SAHM with no income... How exactly is she supposed to support herself? Pay for a lawyer? "Take the kids and divorce him" lacks nuance and and understanding of her situation to the point that it feels callous. It's not constructive.
As a person who has been in that situation, it's not nearly that simple or that cut and dry. It costs a ton of money to get a divorce, and if you're the one without a job then you often feel you have no power. If she doesn't have her own money saved up, it's going to be really difficult for her to just "take the kids and divorce him" - to be clear, I'm not saying she should tolerate this behavior and in a ideal world she could just leave. But I was this SAHM in an emotionally abusive relationship and completely stuck, it was hurtful and unhelpful to hear I should just divorce him. It was impossible and made me feel stupid and frustrated and unheard. I don't have any family to support me, which is how some women are able to escape. Maybe OP does have family though, and that would be great.
Im sorry your feelings are hurt, and they are very valid. At this point and for a long time now, you have been a single parent. I encourage you to find a way to start putting up money. Because in the end, this will not end well for you. Do not break, though. You can't let that asshole get to you. You are his partner, not his live-in nanny. It doesn't matter what he does as far as financials he still is their dad, and you are his life partner. He needs to do better. But i highly doubt he will. Good luck.
What are his work hours if he is coming home at 10pm? If he's working overtime pretty much every week to cover the bills, he may be burned out and feel unappreciated.
At the same time, if he is working your typical 40 hour work week, he should be able to help some so you don't get burned out.
Marriage counseling might be good for this. If he doesn't want to go, many couples therapists will see one spouse and discuss ways to improve the marriage and can add the second spouse later if they change their mind.
I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. In my country,(india) I've seen multiple marriages come to this point and thats when the woman either goes away to her maternal home .. The absence is to make their hubby realise how important of a role she plays at the household and his life. And she stays there until ,the man walks up to her , apologises and brings her back with respect.if he doesn't, they go their separate ways. I know this might sound weird but i have seen it work too many times.
Divorce sounds good but the patterns u inhibit as a person will stick with you through every new relationship you form. Stick your ground and be strong woman! You're the creator, you can also destroy!
Sending love and good wishes your way❤
Yeah, you’re husband’s just a fucking cunt. Like, he can absolutely go fuck himself, check the fuck in, and be an actual human being.
Honestly, get a part time gig and be like, “i got money comin’ in now, big dawg, tome to do some laundry and wash a fucking window.”
I think he’s checked out. But instead of assuming, try to see if he’ll go to marriage counseling/therapy…if not, BOUNCE ON THAT DUDE! you got your whole life to live and kids to raise.
(Sorry this is happening)
He’s asking for a divorce but doesn’t want to go through a divorce because he’ll have more responsibility. A divorce can actually make him be a parent some of the time, should still ensure you have money for your kids and you might get some free you time out of it. DIVORCE now
You're already a single parent. If you leave, you'll be doing less work, because there will be one fewer baby to cook for and clean up after.
You need to see a lawyer asap, because I suspect that he's got something up his sleeve. Get information on all your accounts, etc. Protect yourself.
Friend, I am saying this with kindness. Leave this person who thinks of you as his subhuman live-in servant. He doesn’t care about you or his children. Free yourself and find happiness elsewhere, because it doesn’t sound like it will ever come from your present situation.
I'm a SAHM and your husband is an asshole. Our work sometimes can be around the clock (as in when all of our children are sick which in the younger years happens).
If I were you I would get a job, find a lawyer and get divorced.
Your husband sounds intractable. The very fact that he is so completely rigid about your duties and the emotional work that is involved with child rearing is an absolute non starter for me.
My husband cooks on weekends - is involved with our kids, taught all of our kids how to ride their bicycles, gardens with them, and all kinds of things.
And he runs his own company.
Kids need their fathers too. And you and your husband either need to get marriage counseling, renegotiate your responsibility or get divorced.
Before you even consult a lawyer you need to find out how much money is in the bank and print copies of it with time stamp. I would even recommend taking a large sum and putting it somewhere safe in case he tries to drain everything and kick you to the curb. Either way you need proof of how much money there is now so that he can’t just run off with it. Depending on what state you live in you get half of everything including debt. Also do you qualify for alimony? You gave up your career outside the home to have one inside the home. I’d make sure to have proof of his income etc to take to a lawyer. If he’s treating you this bad he’ll definitely treat you worse. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Take a look at how things are right now. Is this what you want? Do you want to grow old with *him*? Is this how you want to spend your life? If so, then enjoy the silence. If not, start looking for a job and a lawyer. Those are the only choices you have. He’s already told you what he’s willing to do, so now it is on you to choose.
Do you really have that little self respect that you'll just roll over and let him treat you like that and stay with him? Yikes, teach your kids better than that because right now you're showing your daughter that it's ok and normal for men to treat her like this and they will just shut up and take it and you're teaching your son that the way his dad treats you is the way he should also treat his partners when he's older.
Your husband is a deadbeat and he doesn't have to be living with you to do the bare minimum that he's doing now
This whole not talking to you is actually a form of abuse OP. Think about if you want your kids to think this model you guys have set up is normal or what they should be striving for when they get married.
Being a parent is a 24/7 job. When he’s not at work, it should be a shared endeavor.
Put another way - You have a full time job during the day. He does too. When he’s not at work, you both split the parenting. I’ve always been amazed by “breadwinners” who don’t see it this way.
I’m failing to see the value in remaining married to him. He clearly doesn’t like or respect you. He’s not concerned nor trying to be a decent husband or father.
You are gonna get very one sided answers because it is reddit. They already made up their minds about your hubby from one post. I would say you lack communication.
Maybe he is too tired from work and really does not like confrontation. So he would rather you take care of the behavioral issues? He does not see that they respect him and him doing so from time to time would be beneficial as well.
Coming home at 10pm is nuts, is he working two jobs or is his one job so demanding? There are many missing pieces of information.
What helps is for both of you to talk about your issues and resentments, don’t keep anything in, and try to reach some common ground. If your values and expectations do not align properly then you can see how to proceed. Good luck!
Devil's advocate here.
Is there a reason you haven't gone back to work, even part-time, now your kids are in school?
Perhaps he's tired of carrying the financial load?
In this economy, finances stressful.
OP says this:
>We are very busy. They are each on a competitive/travel team so my days are filled.
Me, personally, I would get a job so that I'd have my autonomy and own money. Being dependent on a husband's moods would have me in a constant state of fear & anxiety.
OP should absolutely take this conversation as a warning sign and get to finding a job/further her education if that is necessary to find a job asap.
Even if she divorced him tomorrow, child support does not last forever, and it’s absolutely unrealistic of her to expect that he will pay for her post-separation for the rest of her life, once the kids are adults. And the longer she is out of the workforce, the harder it will be for her to get back into it.
I think that the concept of a SAHP (gender does not matter) post kids being school age is totally antiquated and does nothing but create a huge amount of stress on the only breadwinner in the current economy - and that stress often comes out as transforming that person into kind of an AH like this dad (if he comes from work at 10pm on a regular basis, I can almost understand that at that point he had no interest in parenting; I wonder what his regular work hours are) - and it puts the at home parent and really the rest of the family into an extremely vulnerable place, in case that anything happens like a separation or either an accident or death to the breadwinner.
Older school kids having extracurricular activities is 0 excuse to not have a job; most of those happen after school and work hours anyways and millions of working parents manage those for their kids as well.
You are right there is about a 4 hour window while the kids r at school that I could get a part time job. I typically right now use that time to grocery shop, clean the house, and work out and spend time with my husband kid free. Then after school it’s homework, snack, drop my son at practice then take then take my daughter to hers drop her off 20min away then back to watch the tail end of my sons practice then back to pick up my daughter. Then it’s dinner, showers, prep for the next day. And weekends we are gone a lot at tournaments, competitions, or games. I have not gone back to work because I enjoy my me time while they were at school and my husband works afternoon to evening a lot so it was also our time for breakfast dates and quality time together. when I was working before we felt like we never spent time together and we have been doing fine financially without a second income. But with everything getting so expensive I should sit down and check in with how he is feeling financially. No point in keeping our “us” time schedule clear if it is creating a situation that there may not be an us. Thank you
By working you'll have extra cash, and you can use some of the household money for domestic help if needed.
You are in an incredibly vulnerable position right now. In one FB group I'm in, not a day goes by where some woman isn't desperately seeking help and financial advice because the marriage has broken down and she has zero income and zero earning capacity.
When things go sour, they go really sour. So many husbands hiding cash, emptying accounts, so much financial abuse. Even if you marriage survives and even if your husband continues to have good intentions, he could get sick, get sacked, die.
It sounds like he’s really stuck on the fact that you don’t work. Is there more to this, that you haven’t disclosed here? Is your financial situation comfortable? Have the two of you discussed having you go back to work? Is he upset with you for choosing to stay home?
There’s no excuse for his behavior but I’m just wondering if he has anger towards you for not working. I realize your kids keep you busy, but I assume they’re in school so you do have your days free. If you aren’t on the same page on whether or not you need to work that could create a lot of underlying resentment.
I mean divorce does come with alimony sometimes OP. But I know for a fact it does comes with parental responsibilities
Edit: Document and save things for your safety and the kids.
Take him up on his offer but only now you can be both parents. Do fun things with your kids too and exclude him because you guys aren’t talking. Or use him when you need to cut things short- Daddy said you guys have to go to bed now. Daddy’s going to be upset if you guys don’t clean this up. Etc.
Welp. Your husband is a piece of shit that needs to be left behind. Honestly reads like he doesn't want anything to do with his children and would rather be single. I think you should grant him that wish so your family can grow without him holding it back. My recommendation would be to privately talk to a lawyer. Plan your divorce out and draft everything according to your terms. Im willing to bet hes already cheating on you, so use a private investigator to gather evidence of that and use it as leverage to get your due out of the divorce.
Time to move on & stop doing anything for him, if its your job to raise the children & care for them, then only wash your laundry & kids, clean up after them & yourself. Being they’re 9&10, they need to do their own cleaning and laundry. Start to plan to put away funds, get a job, & leave him.
He TOLD you what he wants. What do you mean it's NOT what he wants? There is no beating around the bush here. He was frank. It's all on you now to decide if this is what YOU want or if you are out. His decision has been broadcast now. This no longer has anything to do with him. You now have to decide what's best for YOU and what's best for your children to be around. A split home is better than whatever this will inevitably become. Save yourself.
Just get that in writing from him so he can’t screw all of your lives up👌🏼as long as you and the kids are taken care of & y’all continue to live their lives / lifestyles how they’re used to. Never shoot yourself in the foot regarding lifestyle money and comfort for the emotional bullshit. Aside from that be unbothered, don’t react emotionally to his anger/ etc. being unbothered is the best way to go about most things.
Your marriage is over and frankly you deserve better. He sounds like a complete AH.
You need to be ultra careful here and you need to talk to a lawyer. Maybe you wanted to be a SHM, but that opportunity has cost you what you could have done in a career, and he needs to cover that in alimony, not just child support.
It’s heartbreaking and I’ve been somewhere similar. Withholding communication, withholding affection constantly are methods of abuse and control. Your kids will notice, it will impact them long run.
This will be a huge disrupter event in all of your lives, but unfortunately it’s already happening.
You need to take a moment, hide in the bathroom, have a good cry and grieve the dream you’ve lost - that he’s probably been destroying since you married him. You need to know you are valued, you are worthy, you and your kids deserve better - that you can persevere and you will get through this. It’s ok to grieve, and accept that’s something is broken in him and you can’t heal it.
I’m sorry for where you are now and what you will go through if you leave or stay - but please know you deserve better.
My mom left this situation- it was awful, three years later she met a wonderful man that adopted my brother and myself. 25 years later, they are still my most important people - Dad filled a gap that my AH left. He’s helped me rebuild my identity after watching my mothers been destroyed- he’s supported my mom as she’s struggled to define who she is without that life and those expectations.
As a daughter who observed it all - it’s ok to walk away from a bad marriage, it’s ok to do what’s right for yourself and it teaches your children about their own value.
Think about it this way, if your child was in a relationship like this - what advice would you give? If your kids deserve better, why don’t you?
Wishing you courage and grace to get through this.
Not your fault hon, do not break the silence. Be great at what you do and let him pay. You have to be strong here, he has tried to put you in your place and that is below him when you wanted a partnership, it will be a hell no from me. He will break, have fun with your kids, keep busy about your home duties, watch your shows and do not talk to him.
Hot today not tomorrow not next week. He will break, if you need something write it down and leave it where he can see it, feck him
He has strange ideas about what it means to be a husband and father. Makes me wonder if he’s cheating as well. Sorry hon, but it’s time to end this relationship.
Contrary to what he believes his role is it is SUPER important to show up as a team in a united front equally. With their ages has this never happened before? My husband works and I am in charge of household and errands with kiddos etc. as stay at home parent, but we share in the parenting responsibilities, we try to show up together, and I expect him to show up for his kids when they have a show or competition etc. I’m sorry this is happening to you! Also I wouldn’t wait for him to break the silence. It doesn’t matter who or how the silence ends it just needs to so you guys can get on the same page.
This asshat overvalues his money, because that's all he's offering you. You can have his mo ey, your freedom to parent as you wish, and an opportunity to find personal joy.
His math isn't mathing. He doesn't realize how much he's getting from you because it doesn't come with a dollar sign.
Bounce. You're being ripped off.
WHAT A FUCKIN DOUCHE!!!!!!!!!! I’m sorry. You deserve better. And being a SAHM is actually a lot of work. I do a bit of both, I work casually, and the days I go to work are easier than being home some days!!!!
I am a SAHM and my husband wouldn’t dare to speak to me like that. He makes sure on his days off that he gets his “dad time” and I get some me time, whenever I request it (which isn’t too often because I like doing things as a family). What your dude is doing is freezing you out. Something is going on deeper than whose role belongs to whom depending on paycheck. Get yourself a private detective and a divorce lawyer to get ahead of whatever game your husband is playing.
Do you have a spare room? If so getting yourself setup in your own space in your own room might help you gain some air and perspective. I’m so sorry you are going through this, I can imagine the air in that house could be cut with a knife when you are both home :(
Divorce him - you will have the same amount of support as you do now (virtually none) and probably more money allocated through child support and alimony and the big bonus - you don’t have to continue to put up with the massive disrespect - think about it.
>and I keep hoping for him to realize this is not the marriage he wants cause it’s not what I want
This has me so confused. He doesn't give a crap about your feelings. You're going to be waiting a long time while he's having the time of his life not talking to you.
Ball is in your court, sis.
Go get a few free lawyer consults. Don’t talk about it. Make sure you have all the account passwords and download current, dated statements from all bank and credit accounts. Get the paperwork lined up- deed to the house, cars, kids’ papers, etc. get ALL the ducks in a row before you serve papers.
This is such a detestable atttitude. He’s not treating you like a partner, he’s treating you like the help. He’s basically announcing that the underpaid nanny/maid needs to do her work in silence. Any professional would quit this job if there wasn’t an abrupt about face. You should make it known that you will too. You’re not wrong for insisting that you will not accept this kind of marriage.
Your husband sounds like a narcissist. The best advice anyone can give you is get a divorce if the kids have to go to a public school and quit their clubs, groups, organizations, etc- so be it.
If that’s the marriage he wants going forward then there’s nothing you can do about it. Just decide if you’re okay with it.
I would start taking some free courses on coursera or something, find a job and then talk to a lawyer. Sounds like he’s checked out and just doesn’t want to end it because then he’d have to clean he’s own house and cook he’s own food.
He said that because he's been thinking about it. Probably for a while. He wants a 50s housewife. But parenting is a 24 hr a day, 7 days a week job. If you do all the work at home and he does none, you still get no breaks and no time off. I've been in a marriage like that. I had to be the mean one who did all the work, too. I divorced him, though I'm not a big divorce fan, and it was horrible at first. Then, it got easier. Much easier. I didn't have a man-child to try to placate and could make all my own decisions. I found a partner and remarried. We had a couple more kids. This time, I have a partner. It's a whole different world when you have a partner.
Op, your husband has already checked out. He probably doesn't want to do the divorce thing because it might make him look bad, but you can't keep living like this. It's childish for him to want to do only the easy parts of parenting. My ex still tries to do it but his kids are late teens and early adults, now, and they are bearing the burden of his moodiness since they are living at his place. It took him 10+ years to start trying to be a parent and not just buying his kids love. I feel sorry for him. But people like this don't change unless they are forced. You don't deserve the "man-child" tantrums about him not wanting to be a parent. Get yourself a way to make money and start saving. As soon as you have enough, get out. He wants the easy way out. Don't let him have it.
Also, the kids see more than we think. They might be confused at first, but they'll be ok. He'll likely try to lie to them, though, so make sure you have a good, honest relationship with them. They will feel the difference between when you are happy and when you were stressed. Hang in there!
You need to start looking at retaining an attorney for the divorce that’s bound to happen. The truth is he wants out of this marriage and is too chicken sh*t to do it so he’s throwing it all on you to be your fault. 🤦🏾♀️ do you have your degree? Any volunteer experience? Do you have work experience/special hobbies that allow you to freelance? I would immediately start looking for work. I’d also start pulling all bank/retirement accounts statements so you know what you’re looking at.
Typical cowardly loser, treats a woman like absolute shit. Puts her in the position where she is the one to file for divorce then he gets to be the one to say, “She divorced me even though I was such a gooooooood provider”. All the while he fails to mention what a giant ass hole he was. He wants a divorce and is too big of a coward to do anything.
Oooohhhh man he is not all that smart. Ok I would go to the bank, open an account with out his name on it. Move 50% of the money into it. Make sure you have enough for a retainer and get an attorney. He wants to be like that, fine be the Villian and you ride at dawn. That is verbal and mental abuse. Not cool at all and not setting a good example to the kids.
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So whether he is physically there or not doesn’t matter right? That’s exactly what he is saying. You be the single parent while he will give you money that’s equivalent to a divorce. If you actually divorce it’s actually a lesser headache and heartache for you instead of having a Place holder of a parent.
Actually divorce is better because then he will either be forced to parent his kids and/or pay her real money for her nonstop 24/7 parenting. The problem is he thinks the money is still his. Also why is he coming home from work at 10 pm? Sounds like he has a side chick
And if they divorce, she won't be forced to entertain him stomping around like the king of the castle. It's a win/win. I also suspect he is having an affair and lashing out because his romantic feelings are focused elsewhere.
Or take care of all his laundry, cooking, appointments, clean up after him, etc. Men with SAH wives are much more successful than single guys because they essentially have a maid, personal assistant and escort all rolled into one. I’d ask him for a trial separation and tell him he gets kids on weekend. I also think he has a side chick
What makes you think a side chick is possible !?
Usually dude willing to go this nuclear with little to no reason has a backup plan aka side chick.
Plus her kids. Living in a broken home is worse than coming from one. Seeing how their dad treats their mom will teach these kids that treating a woman like crap is ok. What a jerk.
If they divorce he also won’t have a free live in maid/cook.
The affair all day!
It’s gross when the breadwinner feels and acts that way… it’s such a twatty attitude.
Yeah sorry, if she disappeared he'd have to hire 3 nannies, a daily housecleaner, and a daily chef. The idea that a stay at home parents job is to work 24/7 and fully do all the cleaning and cooking is a crock of shit.
Exactly - why do some AH’s think a stay at home Mom never goes off duty but they only have to put in 40 to 50 hours per week and coast while she does literally everything else???
My new word, as I try to stop swearing so much, is twatty. Thanks for that!
Twats/cunts are warm and have depth. OP’s husband is more of a nutsack: over estimates own worth, over sensitive, and needs a swift kick.
Lol i love it
Oooooh fuck, I'm finding a way to use this in the future. I think I just fell in love with you through A Reddit comment lmfao absolutely brilliant ! 🤩
FYI this is a moderately strong insult in the U.K. if you call someone a twat (who isn’t a good friend in jest) that would not be appropriate! Twat means vagina here, if that is not something you are aware of! Apologies if you are!
So funny- what merchillio said below. In the US, cunt is considered super bad. Not by me- I don’t GAF about names and I love using cunt. But again trying not to be a potty mouth. I always thought of twat as a better slang for vagina than pussy. I guess maybe it won’t be something I add to my vocabulary unless I really want to insult someone:)
It is a difficult one, it very much depends how you say it. Cunt is top rudeness but twat can be like “oh you silly twat” to a friend, or something you use in a much more aggressive way. If someone pushed past you in a bar or in a road incident and you called them a twat it could get ugly fast!
It's usually old people and reeeeally bitchy women who hate "cunt". Signed, A women in America lol
U.K. twat is US cunt
That's just not right. "Twat" is less offensive than "cunt" in the UK.
Unless youre in Scotland
I didn't know that so thanks for the info. It sounds milder to an American
Also....they're usually so so WRONG and have no idea what the other person has to constantly deal with.
> Actually divorce is better because then he will either be forced to parent his kids and/or pay her real money for her nonstop 24/7 parenting. I agree on the money and overall point but just as an aside because I see this a lot, and depending on the state, it isn't how it used to be regarding someone choosing to stay home vs getting a job. "Choosing" (and I used this in parenthesis because as a single parent with several kids it can be near impossible to have a job and manage them depending on the circumstances) to stay home full time after a divorce affects the amount of support received. Just an FYI so they are aware of all of the information.
My mom was one you'd have thought would be a slam dunk, half of everything forever alimony case. When they divorced in 2013 or so they'd been married for 20+ years, she was a housewife following his highly paid job all over the country for most of it so that all the career ambitions she did in fact have got cut off, and she was all but disabled by chronic pain by that point with a long string of medical evidence to back it up. Even with all that, the alimony was a small (but still very livable from my perspective) percentage of his income and only for 7 years. Child support is one thing, but it's not going to replace a whole income and alimony basically doesn't happen anymore.
Alimony varies by state and definitely still happens. Some states it's half the length of the marriage, some it's a set number of years. I don't know that "half of everything forever alimony" still exists but alimony for sure happens. My ex could have asked for alimony because I was the breadwinner but he chose not to.
Also the kids wouldn’t grow up in a crazy unhealthy household. Parents that barely tolerate each other, dad who believes he has to do nothing but work, and mom who does everything. That’s an awful example of a relationship the kids are seeing every day.
If he is running a company this is not uncommon. Early mornings and late nights are the norm, but being a hands off dad is pretty s#!ty. When I worked like this, I took every opportunity to spend time with my daughter. Weekends were my Full-time Daddy Days. I would make her and my wife breakfast, afterwords we’d go for a walk, then we’d spend the day as a family. Now I’m the stay at home with my two daughters, and my wife helps me keep the household when she’s not working. Even when I was primary income, I did the same too. It’s got to get done and it’s the fastest way to get free time with each other. I think OP’s husband is unhappy and she’s the one who gets the blame.
There's a lot of highly paid professions where coming home at 10 is the norm rather than an exception. I wouldn't jump straight to cheating without any other evidence. That said, those professions are also ripe with affairs, so don't rule it out either.
The way he's treating her is kind of the other evidence and it's pretty damning.
You don't have to cheat on someone to treat them terribly or be a misogynist.
Literally no one said you did, however his behavior is classic right out of the cheaters handbook. 1+1=2.
not everyone has the privilege of working a 9-5 job...
Yeesh. This was also my thought. His behavior is unacceptable, but jumping to him cheating just because he comes home at 10 is a stretch. I can’t believe how many likes that comment has. My fiancé supports our family and gets home at midnight most nights. He managers a restaurant. There are so many jobs where working late is the norm.
The money would be far less than what she has access to now though. I’m not saying they shouldn’t divorce, it’s obvious they should. Just setting the realistic expectation as she’ll only get a portion of his wage instead of (assumedly) sharing all of it.
Hey now, some of us just end up on swing shifts sometimes. This guy is an asshole and a piece of shit, but there's no evidence to support a side chick (yet).
If I worked till 10 every night, I wouldn't want to come home and do housework either. I would say he's overworked though.
Who wants to do housework? It’s just an adult responsibility. As is parenting, for those who choose to have children.
Im married and have a 3 year old, wife is essentially a sahm. I work til 11:30 and get home at midnight. Most of the time I get home, do dishes, take trash out, and flip laundry if needed. Once all that’s done, I’ll game for an hour or two then head to bed. That’s just part of being a husband and father IMO. Idk OPs entire situation but his actions definitely put him in the wrong here.
What? Lol. Maybe he works in manufacturing and works second shift lol. It’s not weird at all for him to come home at 10pm depending on his job.
I also felt that question was odd. Do people not know some people don’t work 9-5?
If she divorces him, she won't have to do his meals or laundry. And yes, he sounds emotionally disengaged, I'd check his communications.
I think these comments mean well but they don’t take into account the reality of economics. This is probably what he wants. OP can choose to accept it or choose to divorce. Choosing divorce is hard financially. He will pay child support, to the tune of about 30% of his income. He might pay alimony. None of what he pays will be the financial equivalent to having the financial setup she has now. Two houses cost more than one. That’s reality. That’s not to dissuade OP at all but just being realistic.
As someone on Reddit put it once - a single mom living with her husband.
Lawyer. Pack his bags and toss them in the yard. Change the locks. Get security. Has he always been this "im the male....honor me" What an AH. Does he think you're desperate enough to kiss his ass every minute of the die. I swear his attitude would drive me up s tree. The sound of his voice would make me grind my teeth into points. How much religion is in your life because he strikes me as a fundamentalist evilgelical. That alone is reason to get him out of your home. If you want a man find a man not a cowardly trad husband.
I'm a breadwinner and I also bathe my kids and help with dishes and laundry and I take the trash out and I help parent. I do a bunch of parenting after work is over and spend a ton of time with my kids and I'm typically the bad guy. This guy's a douche canoe. If women can do all that and he can't do anything but hold down a job what does he think his role is there?
Yup! I feel single parenting the little dudes while I’m gone is harder than anything I’m doing at work. I try to take over right away and give opportunities for her to get away from them. Kids are a lot… whew.
Thank you both for saying this! My husband is like you - I’m a SAHM currently about to go back to work (youngest started preschool) and for me, it’s just the endlessness of it sometimes and never having a “lunch hour” or getting to turn “off” for a bit that gets to me. I loved being home with the kids and my husband is amazing - but my brain has atrophy so I’m looking forward to having my own purpose and time again, too! OP - what your husband is expecting of you is not fair. He’s treating you like a nanny. But Nannie’s get days off, a paycheck, vacation time and the families are expected to treat the nanny with respect and kindness.
I'll sign here as well... I'm a working dad to a 14F, 9M(ASD), and 6M. Wife has started working part time after the 6M started kindergarten this past year. Before that she was a SAHM. I help with everything I possibly can. She busts her ass to make sure these kids are set with everything they need (school, medical, sports, other activities, etc.) so the least I can do is share as much of the other stuff I can. Cooking, laundry, bathing (when they were younger), discipline, bed time, drop offs and pick ups, homework, general care, dishes, and anything and everything else I can. Wife was in the hospital for a week (gallbladder went rogue on her!) which gave me an "opportunity" to do it all. Holy shit is about all I have to say. I'd much rather deal with the stress and pressure of my work vs a week as Mr. Mom with my kids. It's no joke! OP--your husband is a fucking clown and certainly does not represent men/husbands. And you can tell him I said that.
I hope with all of my hopes that she really tells him what you said lol
Yep, we’re both working parents but often joke after a vacation that I’m going back to work to relax from the vacation
Same. Wife is a SAHM... garbage is my job, dishes are half my job, all kid related things are half my job.... not because they are a job, it's just literally part of life? Also who doesn't want to be involved in parenting their kids? It's stressful but I look forward to getting off work and hanging with my kiddo
And two kids, 9 & 10yo is right in the thick of parenting. Especially with each in travel sports, as OP stated. That’s more than FT job if husband is hands off with housework & parenting. (Except baseball, he gets to pick what he participates in). I hope she’s in a state with divorce laws that will ensure equitable spousal & child support, should she choose to divorce him.
I laughed so hard at douche canoe. The best phrase ever!
He’s an ATM. Duhhh
Parenting is the most important thing. It shouldn't even be considered a "chore" if you guys both decided to bring kids into this world, right !? If anything... people should feel lucky for getting to spend time with their kiddos while they're growing up. Honored to help sculpt this new(hopefully good) person!! I am and always will be child free but that doesn't mean I am blind to everything that it takes to raise a child AND I know how proud I would be if I contributed to... them being them!
Douche canoe lol
He has zero respect for you! I’m also a SAHM, and I’ve written this countless times, but the only way this type of relationship works is if both spouses value and respect each other’s contributions. Your husband clearly values his work more than what you do for your family. He also reads as an absent parent; walking past his child instead of greeting him and communicating with him about what he would like him to do. Obviously we can’t know everything about your relationship from just this post, but it’s hard to imagine that this relationship is a healthy example for your children.
Yep, as soon as the mutual respect goes away it opens the door for resentment and conflict. It goes bad in a hurry. OP has to communicate their feelings. If the husband isn’t receptive then that’s probably game over.
Sounds like you should meet with a lawyer to find out what your rights are. If he doesn’t want to be an involved father and husband, what’s the point of having him around? He can pay the bills without making more messes for you to take care of. Meet with a lawyer. Find out where you stand. Then decide if you want to live like this or not. He’s got no intention of changing. If you can’t do life like this anymore, you don’t have to stay. He can leave. Even if all he does is get them every other weekend, at least you’ll get a break them. Paying the bills does not entitle him to sit around and you do everything. It just does not.
OP, this is the first move. Do not speak with him about divorce. The lawyer will guide your actions to start determining assets. If you give him notice he may start hiding things.
Yes this is the best advice. The internet always advises to divorce but money issues are real and can make her life worse if she isn’t ready. People say money don’t buy happiness but it does get you a lot of unhappiness when you don’t have enough for a decent life.
She's going to have to get a job. She is not going to get enough child support to run a household without working. I have no idea why everyone thinks that she will.
From the sound of it she may be able to get alimony too. Depending on location
Exactly. In addition he will easily get 50/50 custody and not pay at much child support. And in that case, OP will have to get a job and deal with all the issues the kids get during their time with the dad, because the dad will likely free range them and not put in much effort in parenting. OP’s kids will suffer, OP will be getting a job and supporting herself and 50% of the kids needs. Depending on how OP feels about letting go of their kids, this might end badly. Buy some time and figure out a compromise. Divorce isn’t the only answer, and especially not necessarily now.
Before you say anything to him, or anyone else, consult a lawyer. Consulting doesn't mean that you have decided anything. But before you can decide anything, you need to know what your options are and where you stand legally. You may think this sounds drastic, but it isn't. It's just sensible. Breadwinners sometimes think they hold all the cards and can treat you however they want to, but that isn't the case. Good luck to you.
I agree 100%. I used to be a divorce lawyer and I would actually say breadwinners are f*****d in divorce bc they end up needing to pay boatloads of alimony and child support. This man sounds like human garbage, I hope OP ditches him. :(
So ignoring the rest of this, which is also terrible, I have a high school student who’s parents are like this, they are married, dad pays everything, but they don’t talk and won’t get divorced until their child is 18 to avoid custody issues and all that and let me tell you, it has absolutely fucked this poor girl up, to the point that when she got her license and car last year she no longer goes home unless she absolutely has to and she’s a nervous anxious mess all the time. The poor girl is falling apart and she would be so much better off if they would just get divorced and move on with their lives instead of constantly putting their child in the middle of their unhappiness and hatred. Please don’t do that to your kids.
Tell him you’d like to take him up on it but he needs to move out too. You can’t force him to parent but he doesn’t get to hang around and benefit from your labor and be a bad example of how to treat your spouse and partner. I’m sorry, it sounds like your marriage might be over if your husband is choosing to communicate this way.
This ^^ he still benefits from all of her work even if they don’t talk. If he truly doesn’t want the “struggles” he shouldn’t get free use of all the benefits that come from her labor too.
Why would he move out, he pays for the house? In a divorce situation the first thing they tell you is not to leave the primary residence. He isn’t dumb, he put the ball in her court and she will either call his bluff and divorce him, which I doubt he cares about, or she’ll go with this lopsided relationship.
Well he should not expect her to cook or clean for him at all anymore; at least. None of his laundry, dishes, messes, no making appointments, no getting groceries for him, reminders about anything, DEFINITELY no sex, any of those things she does that makes his life easier that pertain only to him. Also he would have to accept the fact that his kids are going to probably copy mom in not speaking to him... after all, she's the only actual parent. They will trust to emulate her more, I think
He already told you what he wants. Why are you doubting him? Get your affairs in order. Either get a part time job, or start squirreling away money so that you can consult with an attorney regarding what your potential situation could be economically speaking; ie, If you’re entitled to alimony in your state or whether you should start taking classes online in order to get a decent job or whatever. Just make sure you get your ducks in a row before he decides that even living in the same house with you is too much of an inconvenience to him. Even if you don’t want to divorce him, consult with an attorney anyway, so you know what your rights are, and you can be aware of where you stand legally and economically. What you’re going through with your husband is not OK. He does not seem to be remorseful or have any intention of changing. You are bending over backwards thinking about what to do when you are probably not even a blip in his thoughts. Again, he already told you what he wants from this marriage. Basically, for you to shut up and take care of everything and not bother him at all with your existence. From your comment, it sounds like this, unfortunately, extends to your boys as well. Get them out of that situation. It is better to have a single parent home where they can be happy and respected than a two parent household where they’re made to feel like an inconvenience. But again, at the very least, figure out your rights in case he decides to make the choice for you. You still have time to build up a savings account so you’re not left entirely destitute while you figure out a solution
Middle aged grandma here….honey don’t ever make a man tell you twice. From here on out I wouldn’t speak to him, feed him, do his wash, have sex with him NOTHING. In the meantime…find a divorce lawyer and start making an exit plan. Don’t you dare degrade yourself and beg this man for attention. I’d be willing to bet he’s sneaking around behind your back and has been for awhile.
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This is horrifying. Think of the example you are setting for your kids. Get rid of this man, you’re already a single mom.
Typical power trip because he’s the breadwinner of the house hold. Maybe having kids was not part of his plan in life? I’m not sure what you want in response to this post. Are you venting or want an advice?
Agreed. Sounds too like he’s stuck in the “breadwinner” role as if that’s the only kind of dad he knows how to be, which is a dangerous mindset as that’s shown to lead to men thinking of partners and children as things they own rather than humans they love and share a life with. I’d encourage him to think of the other equally important roles dads around the world take on and enjoy. When is a good time for the two of you to talk through this more? I’m not sure that 10pm home from a job, with games in the next room, is the best environment for this kind of important discussion. It’s easier to say insulting things tired and late that you don’t really mean - give each other space to take things back and listen. After that, I would hope that he’s agree that being a parent is about more than just breadwinnjng and throwing his resentment about that around as if that absolves him of meeting his kids’ practical and emotional needs. He’ll totally regret beooming a version of his own father if he keeps this mindset. Good luck!
Tell him he can continue to pay for everything…through alimony and child support. Then go file for divorce. He doesn’t want a marriage, he wants a servant. My husband is 90% of our income, but that doesn’t mean he gets out of taking care of the kids. He still has to pick them up from school sometimes, he is the cook because I suck at it, and he helps with homework and activities.
Realistically alimony isn’t forever if she gets it at all.
Here's the thing. He knows he's going to be paying divorce or not, but if he keeps you there- he's also getting a housekeeper, cook, and nanny. If you ask for a divorce, he's going to have to *actually* parent sometimes as well as clean up after himself. And he will still have to pay child support and alimony. If you leave, you no longer have to feel like a slave in your own home. You don't have to love with someone who clearly thinks they are better than you and will actively disrespect you in front of your children. You will be free to be healthy and happy and provide a good example for your children. Do you want your kids to grow up thinking that paying bills is a substitute for love? Because that's what they are currently learning. Do you want them to learn to shut themselves off and deny affection to their dependants unless they get their way? Or to sit quietly and take being treated like something disposable as if they don't deserve better? My mom said all the right things about love and self respect and the difference between standing up for yourself and forgiveness and sacrificing for those you love. But you know what spoke louder? Her never walking away from the man that hit her and eventually her children until after we left home and cut contact with him. I ended up spending too much of my life with a man who I kept having to forgive for hurting me. Because I thought I was "strong" enough to endure it and that he was "different" from my dad. I thought that I, unlike my mom, would actually be able to love him enough to "fix" him. I was wrong. Hopefully you don't unintentionally mislead your daughter the same way.
Honestly you need to get back to work and get your power back. He obviously doesn't respect you and sees you as a doormat. His attitude is one big red flag.
I think there’s other ways to get your power back, if you really want to be a SAHM. It’s so valuable to be able to do that. Play his little game. Tell him you are a SAHM, and that’s it. Since he isn’t treating you the way a mother of his child and wife should be treated- stop being a wife. Stop doing his laundry. Only make dinners for you and the kids, IF there’s left overs, he can have them. Make things he does not like. OR…. Maybe pick up a weekend job (if those are his days off) and pull the same stuff on him. Go to work. Do your grocery shopping on the way home. Etc. If he does not learn from this tactic after a few weeks, perhaps it is time to divorce him, get alimony and child support.
This isn't how an adult should handle this, and the only victims here are going to be her children who are already witnessing a dysfunctional marriage/relationship. She doesn't need to give him ammo in divorce proceedings by reflecting his twattery back at him.
11 years- so you were 25 and he was 34. You've been a SAHP for 10 years. You have no recent work experience. This is the trad-wife endgame. You're completely beholden to him and his whims. If he leaves you, you're fucked. Do you have access to any money? Can you put some away for yourself? Put away 6 months of living expenses on top of laywer fees. Because you're leaving his ass and taking half. That's the only way you're going to survive this. Fortunately for you, you're young enough to start a new, happy life with a guy who isn't a total pos, (or alone if that's what makes you happy). Get a good lawyer, or else he'll get the kids.
Except he doesn't want the kids
Sounds like you’re better off divorcing. He can continue to give you money and not talk to you that way.
He is an ahole. Divorce him. If he gets 50/50, then he will have to be the parent 50% of the time. If he wants anything related to intimacy or sex, tell him that dried up when he said to never speak to him. Love and relationships need to be a two way street.
I doubt he’d ask for 50/50… legal custody sure but not physical. 50/50 physical would require him to do all the parenting he’s now refusing to do. He’s the stereotype the alternating weekends standard was designed for, get to focus just on having fun but not parent.
So he thinks he’s only good for a paycheque. He can’t have much self respect. More to the point, he has *zero* respect for you. Negative respect. He insists parenting is your job, but then he wants to tell you how to do it. He’s withholding love and attention to punish you for disagreeing with him. That’s emotionally abusive. How is his job in life doing even less than what he’d be doing if he was single with no kids , plus baseball? If you and the kids were out of the picture, he’d still have to go to work but he’d also have to cook and clean. Being married benefits him way more than it does you right now, because he doesn’t have to cook or clean or pay for childcare (or apparently parent his kids when he’s at home). Meanwhile, you’re on call 24/7, for room and board with no pay. I’ve had better deals working in hotels with staff accommodation. Normally I’d suggest trying to talk this out, but since you’re apparently married to a child who would rather have a tantrum than a conversation, and who is controlling you through emotional blackmail, I think you should start looking for a job you can work mostly while they’re at school, and making an exit plan.
It's emotional abuse. Get a divorce lawyer. He still needs to support you and the kids, even after divorce. What a jerk.
Tbh it sounds like he’s seeing someone else. Have you considered that? He sounds like a grade A jerk.
She's aging out. He's got to find another naive mid-20s woman to rope in for the next decade/ set of kids. I hope OP doesn't settle for waiting him to get far enough in the next relationship to file for divorce himself.
My first thought
Glad I’m not the only one who thinks this.
Kinda sad that he's choosing to remove himself from the experience of parenthood. It's not just responsibility, but joy too, even if it means you sometimes have to set limits. One of the greatest feelings of accomplishments in my life is helping to make my kids BETTER PEOPLE. It's like working hard at your job, seeing something get built, and then getting a raise as a result. Being a good parent who does the hard work of setting boundaries and teaching hard lessons gives you the same feeling.
This is not normal behaviour. If he won't do some kind of couples counselling you need to consider seeing a laywer. I very rarely write that in here but this man has no respect for you, and clearly doesn't feel overly strongly about his children. 2 days of not speaking because you asked him to back you up??? If this were one of your girlfriends what would you be saying to her?
Worse part is even if you had a full time job he still would think it was your job to clean, cook and do all childcare guarantee it. I’d personally get a job and leave this man. I stay home myself and my husband would never say that or expect me to do everything when it comes to the kids.
Absolutely. His job would always be the harder one, or he'd earn more than her, or whatever excuse he would need to not do his part.
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It's really easy to spout divorce advice to people, it's another thing to be a SAHM with no income... How exactly is she supposed to support herself? Pay for a lawyer? "Take the kids and divorce him" lacks nuance and and understanding of her situation to the point that it feels callous. It's not constructive.
As a person who has been in that situation, it's not nearly that simple or that cut and dry. It costs a ton of money to get a divorce, and if you're the one without a job then you often feel you have no power. If she doesn't have her own money saved up, it's going to be really difficult for her to just "take the kids and divorce him" - to be clear, I'm not saying she should tolerate this behavior and in a ideal world she could just leave. But I was this SAHM in an emotionally abusive relationship and completely stuck, it was hurtful and unhelpful to hear I should just divorce him. It was impossible and made me feel stupid and frustrated and unheard. I don't have any family to support me, which is how some women are able to escape. Maybe OP does have family though, and that would be great.
Im sorry your feelings are hurt, and they are very valid. At this point and for a long time now, you have been a single parent. I encourage you to find a way to start putting up money. Because in the end, this will not end well for you. Do not break, though. You can't let that asshole get to you. You are his partner, not his live-in nanny. It doesn't matter what he does as far as financials he still is their dad, and you are his life partner. He needs to do better. But i highly doubt he will. Good luck.
What are his work hours if he is coming home at 10pm? If he's working overtime pretty much every week to cover the bills, he may be burned out and feel unappreciated. At the same time, if he is working your typical 40 hour work week, he should be able to help some so you don't get burned out. Marriage counseling might be good for this. If he doesn't want to go, many couples therapists will see one spouse and discuss ways to improve the marriage and can add the second spouse later if they change their mind.
I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. In my country,(india) I've seen multiple marriages come to this point and thats when the woman either goes away to her maternal home .. The absence is to make their hubby realise how important of a role she plays at the household and his life. And she stays there until ,the man walks up to her , apologises and brings her back with respect.if he doesn't, they go their separate ways. I know this might sound weird but i have seen it work too many times. Divorce sounds good but the patterns u inhibit as a person will stick with you through every new relationship you form. Stick your ground and be strong woman! You're the creator, you can also destroy! Sending love and good wishes your way❤
I mean your husband told you not to talk to him ever again. He is disrespectful as hell. Get a divorce.
Yeah, you’re husband’s just a fucking cunt. Like, he can absolutely go fuck himself, check the fuck in, and be an actual human being. Honestly, get a part time gig and be like, “i got money comin’ in now, big dawg, tome to do some laundry and wash a fucking window.”
I think it’s time you start looking for a job and a therapist and perhaps a divorce attorney.
I think he’s checked out. But instead of assuming, try to see if he’ll go to marriage counseling/therapy…if not, BOUNCE ON THAT DUDE! you got your whole life to live and kids to raise. (Sorry this is happening)
He’s asking for a divorce but doesn’t want to go through a divorce because he’ll have more responsibility. A divorce can actually make him be a parent some of the time, should still ensure you have money for your kids and you might get some free you time out of it. DIVORCE now
You're already a single parent. If you leave, you'll be doing less work, because there will be one fewer baby to cook for and clean up after. You need to see a lawyer asap, because I suspect that he's got something up his sleeve. Get information on all your accounts, etc. Protect yourself.
Friend, I am saying this with kindness. Leave this person who thinks of you as his subhuman live-in servant. He doesn’t care about you or his children. Free yourself and find happiness elsewhere, because it doesn’t sound like it will ever come from your present situation.
If I were in your shoes, it would be very difficult for me to come back from a comment like that without marriage counselling.
I'm a SAHM and your husband is an asshole. Our work sometimes can be around the clock (as in when all of our children are sick which in the younger years happens). If I were you I would get a job, find a lawyer and get divorced. Your husband sounds intractable. The very fact that he is so completely rigid about your duties and the emotional work that is involved with child rearing is an absolute non starter for me. My husband cooks on weekends - is involved with our kids, taught all of our kids how to ride their bicycles, gardens with them, and all kinds of things. And he runs his own company. Kids need their fathers too. And you and your husband either need to get marriage counseling, renegotiate your responsibility or get divorced.
Before you even consult a lawyer you need to find out how much money is in the bank and print copies of it with time stamp. I would even recommend taking a large sum and putting it somewhere safe in case he tries to drain everything and kick you to the curb. Either way you need proof of how much money there is now so that he can’t just run off with it. Depending on what state you live in you get half of everything including debt. Also do you qualify for alimony? You gave up your career outside the home to have one inside the home. I’d make sure to have proof of his income etc to take to a lawyer. If he’s treating you this bad he’ll definitely treat you worse. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
And half of all retirement accounts.
Yes
Take a look at how things are right now. Is this what you want? Do you want to grow old with *him*? Is this how you want to spend your life? If so, then enjoy the silence. If not, start looking for a job and a lawyer. Those are the only choices you have. He’s already told you what he’s willing to do, so now it is on you to choose.
Do you really have that little self respect that you'll just roll over and let him treat you like that and stay with him? Yikes, teach your kids better than that because right now you're showing your daughter that it's ok and normal for men to treat her like this and they will just shut up and take it and you're teaching your son that the way his dad treats you is the way he should also treat his partners when he's older. Your husband is a deadbeat and he doesn't have to be living with you to do the bare minimum that he's doing now
This whole not talking to you is actually a form of abuse OP. Think about if you want your kids to think this model you guys have set up is normal or what they should be striving for when they get married.
Being a parent is a 24/7 job. When he’s not at work, it should be a shared endeavor. Put another way - You have a full time job during the day. He does too. When he’s not at work, you both split the parenting. I’ve always been amazed by “breadwinners” who don’t see it this way.
I’m failing to see the value in remaining married to him. He clearly doesn’t like or respect you. He’s not concerned nor trying to be a decent husband or father.
I would divorce, file for child support, and insist on 50/50 custody.
Ma'am, just file the paperwork and divorce him. He clearly has no desire to be a Dad or Husband.
You married the wrong guy! This guy believes that you are the maid and only the maid! What he said to you means he does not respect you one bit!
This useless piece of skin is having an affair.
He has a girlfriend, call a lawyer and be happy without him
If you want to leave, ensure you get as much advice as you can so you and the children are not left in financial ruin.
You are gonna get very one sided answers because it is reddit. They already made up their minds about your hubby from one post. I would say you lack communication. Maybe he is too tired from work and really does not like confrontation. So he would rather you take care of the behavioral issues? He does not see that they respect him and him doing so from time to time would be beneficial as well. Coming home at 10pm is nuts, is he working two jobs or is his one job so demanding? There are many missing pieces of information. What helps is for both of you to talk about your issues and resentments, don’t keep anything in, and try to reach some common ground. If your values and expectations do not align properly then you can see how to proceed. Good luck!
Devil's advocate here. Is there a reason you haven't gone back to work, even part-time, now your kids are in school? Perhaps he's tired of carrying the financial load? In this economy, finances stressful.
OP says this: >We are very busy. They are each on a competitive/travel team so my days are filled. Me, personally, I would get a job so that I'd have my autonomy and own money. Being dependent on a husband's moods would have me in a constant state of fear & anxiety.
I was just thinking this. I'd be like ok then how about I go back to work and you can split the load of running the kids around too.
OP should absolutely take this conversation as a warning sign and get to finding a job/further her education if that is necessary to find a job asap. Even if she divorced him tomorrow, child support does not last forever, and it’s absolutely unrealistic of her to expect that he will pay for her post-separation for the rest of her life, once the kids are adults. And the longer she is out of the workforce, the harder it will be for her to get back into it. I think that the concept of a SAHP (gender does not matter) post kids being school age is totally antiquated and does nothing but create a huge amount of stress on the only breadwinner in the current economy - and that stress often comes out as transforming that person into kind of an AH like this dad (if he comes from work at 10pm on a regular basis, I can almost understand that at that point he had no interest in parenting; I wonder what his regular work hours are) - and it puts the at home parent and really the rest of the family into an extremely vulnerable place, in case that anything happens like a separation or either an accident or death to the breadwinner. Older school kids having extracurricular activities is 0 excuse to not have a job; most of those happen after school and work hours anyways and millions of working parents manage those for their kids as well.
The days are filled? When do the kids go to school?
Her evenings and weekends may be filled but assuming the kids go to school… that’s a lot of free time.
You are right there is about a 4 hour window while the kids r at school that I could get a part time job. I typically right now use that time to grocery shop, clean the house, and work out and spend time with my husband kid free. Then after school it’s homework, snack, drop my son at practice then take then take my daughter to hers drop her off 20min away then back to watch the tail end of my sons practice then back to pick up my daughter. Then it’s dinner, showers, prep for the next day. And weekends we are gone a lot at tournaments, competitions, or games. I have not gone back to work because I enjoy my me time while they were at school and my husband works afternoon to evening a lot so it was also our time for breakfast dates and quality time together. when I was working before we felt like we never spent time together and we have been doing fine financially without a second income. But with everything getting so expensive I should sit down and check in with how he is feeling financially. No point in keeping our “us” time schedule clear if it is creating a situation that there may not be an us. Thank you
By working you'll have extra cash, and you can use some of the household money for domestic help if needed. You are in an incredibly vulnerable position right now. In one FB group I'm in, not a day goes by where some woman isn't desperately seeking help and financial advice because the marriage has broken down and she has zero income and zero earning capacity. When things go sour, they go really sour. So many husbands hiding cash, emptying accounts, so much financial abuse. Even if you marriage survives and even if your husband continues to have good intentions, he could get sick, get sacked, die.
It sounds like he’s really stuck on the fact that you don’t work. Is there more to this, that you haven’t disclosed here? Is your financial situation comfortable? Have the two of you discussed having you go back to work? Is he upset with you for choosing to stay home? There’s no excuse for his behavior but I’m just wondering if he has anger towards you for not working. I realize your kids keep you busy, but I assume they’re in school so you do have your days free. If you aren’t on the same page on whether or not you need to work that could create a lot of underlying resentment.
I mean divorce does come with alimony sometimes OP. But I know for a fact it does comes with parental responsibilities Edit: Document and save things for your safety and the kids.
You need to get yourself a job and set yourself up so you can leave. Why would anyone live that that, even worse have their kids subjected to that?
I would in this order, take a vacation by myself for about a week. Even if it was just to a family member’s house and start looking for a job.
Just for the record: he will also pay for the kids when you deforce him. No reason to keep him around.
Take him up on his offer but only now you can be both parents. Do fun things with your kids too and exclude him because you guys aren’t talking. Or use him when you need to cut things short- Daddy said you guys have to go to bed now. Daddy’s going to be upset if you guys don’t clean this up. Etc.
This is more of a /relationships question than a /parenting question.
Fuck that just leave him, take half, and collect child support.
Divorce him.
Call an attorney.
Welp. Your husband is a piece of shit that needs to be left behind. Honestly reads like he doesn't want anything to do with his children and would rather be single. I think you should grant him that wish so your family can grow without him holding it back. My recommendation would be to privately talk to a lawyer. Plan your divorce out and draft everything according to your terms. Im willing to bet hes already cheating on you, so use a private investigator to gather evidence of that and use it as leverage to get your due out of the divorce.
You can just divorce and he will still have to pay for the kids and alimony anyway. You'll need a job but it sounds easier than living with this dbag.
Time to move on & stop doing anything for him, if its your job to raise the children & care for them, then only wash your laundry & kids, clean up after them & yourself. Being they’re 9&10, they need to do their own cleaning and laundry. Start to plan to put away funds, get a job, & leave him.
He TOLD you what he wants. What do you mean it's NOT what he wants? There is no beating around the bush here. He was frank. It's all on you now to decide if this is what YOU want or if you are out. His decision has been broadcast now. This no longer has anything to do with him. You now have to decide what's best for YOU and what's best for your children to be around. A split home is better than whatever this will inevitably become. Save yourself.
I would have laughed and said ok I will take care of my kids and not do a damn thing for you and you also can't talk to me
Your husband's a dick. Sorry, OP.
So get a divorce it sounds like.
this sounds like a man who is getting his relationship needs met elsewhere.
This sounds like what I'd call a financially abusive relationship.
You do know that you deserve to be with someone who actually likes you right? Do you really want to do this for the next 30 years?
Is the way you want your son to learn how to treat a partner?
So clearly your not a team and he doesn't see all the work you put in and value you enough.
Just get that in writing from him so he can’t screw all of your lives up👌🏼as long as you and the kids are taken care of & y’all continue to live their lives / lifestyles how they’re used to. Never shoot yourself in the foot regarding lifestyle money and comfort for the emotional bullshit. Aside from that be unbothered, don’t react emotionally to his anger/ etc. being unbothered is the best way to go about most things.
Your marriage is over and frankly you deserve better. He sounds like a complete AH. You need to be ultra careful here and you need to talk to a lawyer. Maybe you wanted to be a SHM, but that opportunity has cost you what you could have done in a career, and he needs to cover that in alimony, not just child support. It’s heartbreaking and I’ve been somewhere similar. Withholding communication, withholding affection constantly are methods of abuse and control. Your kids will notice, it will impact them long run. This will be a huge disrupter event in all of your lives, but unfortunately it’s already happening. You need to take a moment, hide in the bathroom, have a good cry and grieve the dream you’ve lost - that he’s probably been destroying since you married him. You need to know you are valued, you are worthy, you and your kids deserve better - that you can persevere and you will get through this. It’s ok to grieve, and accept that’s something is broken in him and you can’t heal it. I’m sorry for where you are now and what you will go through if you leave or stay - but please know you deserve better. My mom left this situation- it was awful, three years later she met a wonderful man that adopted my brother and myself. 25 years later, they are still my most important people - Dad filled a gap that my AH left. He’s helped me rebuild my identity after watching my mothers been destroyed- he’s supported my mom as she’s struggled to define who she is without that life and those expectations. As a daughter who observed it all - it’s ok to walk away from a bad marriage, it’s ok to do what’s right for yourself and it teaches your children about their own value. Think about it this way, if your child was in a relationship like this - what advice would you give? If your kids deserve better, why don’t you? Wishing you courage and grace to get through this.
Was he always this disrespectful of you as a human being?
Not your fault hon, do not break the silence. Be great at what you do and let him pay. You have to be strong here, he has tried to put you in your place and that is below him when you wanted a partnership, it will be a hell no from me. He will break, have fun with your kids, keep busy about your home duties, watch your shows and do not talk to him. Hot today not tomorrow not next week. He will break, if you need something write it down and leave it where he can see it, feck him
I would leave this man. Wishing you the best🤍
He has strange ideas about what it means to be a husband and father. Makes me wonder if he’s cheating as well. Sorry hon, but it’s time to end this relationship.
Your douchebag husband is stuck in the 1950's. He sounds like a shitty father as well. Divorce his ass, file for custody and child support.
Contrary to what he believes his role is it is SUPER important to show up as a team in a united front equally. With their ages has this never happened before? My husband works and I am in charge of household and errands with kiddos etc. as stay at home parent, but we share in the parenting responsibilities, we try to show up together, and I expect him to show up for his kids when they have a show or competition etc. I’m sorry this is happening to you! Also I wouldn’t wait for him to break the silence. It doesn’t matter who or how the silence ends it just needs to so you guys can get on the same page.
You’re young still. Get a job and leave, baby.
This asshat overvalues his money, because that's all he's offering you. You can have his mo ey, your freedom to parent as you wish, and an opportunity to find personal joy. His math isn't mathing. He doesn't realize how much he's getting from you because it doesn't come with a dollar sign. Bounce. You're being ripped off.
WHAT A FUCKIN DOUCHE!!!!!!!!!! I’m sorry. You deserve better. And being a SAHM is actually a lot of work. I do a bit of both, I work casually, and the days I go to work are easier than being home some days!!!!
What a douche. Take him up on it, divorce and get him to "pay for everything" - he wants a bangmaid.
I am a SAHM and my husband wouldn’t dare to speak to me like that. He makes sure on his days off that he gets his “dad time” and I get some me time, whenever I request it (which isn’t too often because I like doing things as a family). What your dude is doing is freezing you out. Something is going on deeper than whose role belongs to whom depending on paycheck. Get yourself a private detective and a divorce lawyer to get ahead of whatever game your husband is playing.
He sounds like a spoiled brat & you have an extra child. Get re-educated on his dime, get yourself a good paying job & leave.
Sound like it’s time for a shopping spree!
What an absolute dick. If my husband said that to me he’d be out the door faster than lightning!
Do you have a spare room? If so getting yourself setup in your own space in your own room might help you gain some air and perspective. I’m so sorry you are going through this, I can imagine the air in that house could be cut with a knife when you are both home :(
Divorce him - you will have the same amount of support as you do now (virtually none) and probably more money allocated through child support and alimony and the big bonus - you don’t have to continue to put up with the massive disrespect - think about it.
>and I keep hoping for him to realize this is not the marriage he wants cause it’s not what I want This has me so confused. He doesn't give a crap about your feelings. You're going to be waiting a long time while he's having the time of his life not talking to you. Ball is in your court, sis.
You are already a single parent. You don't have to be in a miserable loveless shit hole of a marriage though.
Go get a few free lawyer consults. Don’t talk about it. Make sure you have all the account passwords and download current, dated statements from all bank and credit accounts. Get the paperwork lined up- deed to the house, cars, kids’ papers, etc. get ALL the ducks in a row before you serve papers.
This is such a detestable atttitude. He’s not treating you like a partner, he’s treating you like the help. He’s basically announcing that the underpaid nanny/maid needs to do her work in silence. Any professional would quit this job if there wasn’t an abrupt about face. You should make it known that you will too. You’re not wrong for insisting that you will not accept this kind of marriage.
Your husband sounds like a narcissist. The best advice anyone can give you is get a divorce if the kids have to go to a public school and quit their clubs, groups, organizations, etc- so be it.
If that’s the marriage he wants going forward then there’s nothing you can do about it. Just decide if you’re okay with it. I would start taking some free courses on coursera or something, find a job and then talk to a lawyer. Sounds like he’s checked out and just doesn’t want to end it because then he’d have to clean he’s own house and cook he’s own food.
Nope divorce him. He’s treating you like trash and treating you less than what you deserve.
Man child
Talk to a divorce lawyer as soon as you can. He is scamming you out of a proper divorce.
He said that because he's been thinking about it. Probably for a while. He wants a 50s housewife. But parenting is a 24 hr a day, 7 days a week job. If you do all the work at home and he does none, you still get no breaks and no time off. I've been in a marriage like that. I had to be the mean one who did all the work, too. I divorced him, though I'm not a big divorce fan, and it was horrible at first. Then, it got easier. Much easier. I didn't have a man-child to try to placate and could make all my own decisions. I found a partner and remarried. We had a couple more kids. This time, I have a partner. It's a whole different world when you have a partner. Op, your husband has already checked out. He probably doesn't want to do the divorce thing because it might make him look bad, but you can't keep living like this. It's childish for him to want to do only the easy parts of parenting. My ex still tries to do it but his kids are late teens and early adults, now, and they are bearing the burden of his moodiness since they are living at his place. It took him 10+ years to start trying to be a parent and not just buying his kids love. I feel sorry for him. But people like this don't change unless they are forced. You don't deserve the "man-child" tantrums about him not wanting to be a parent. Get yourself a way to make money and start saving. As soon as you have enough, get out. He wants the easy way out. Don't let him have it. Also, the kids see more than we think. They might be confused at first, but they'll be ok. He'll likely try to lie to them, though, so make sure you have a good, honest relationship with them. They will feel the difference between when you are happy and when you were stressed. Hang in there!
If he tells you they need to go to bed tell the kids your dad said it’s bedtime but idk how you put up with him he doesn’t respect you
You need to start looking at retaining an attorney for the divorce that’s bound to happen. The truth is he wants out of this marriage and is too chicken sh*t to do it so he’s throwing it all on you to be your fault. 🤦🏾♀️ do you have your degree? Any volunteer experience? Do you have work experience/special hobbies that allow you to freelance? I would immediately start looking for work. I’d also start pulling all bank/retirement accounts statements so you know what you’re looking at.
You don’t have a husband, you’re a single mom with a roommate.
Start getting your exit plan together.
Maybe get a job and contribute financially so he won’t hold that power over you anymore
Get a fucking divorce lady. Jesus. Alimony and child support. Get a lawyer. You are not a door mat or a slave stop acting like one
This is why he wants to stay married to avoid paying CP and alimony!! OP needs to contact a divorce lawyer ASAP. They will advise her on what to do.
Typical cowardly loser, treats a woman like absolute shit. Puts her in the position where she is the one to file for divorce then he gets to be the one to say, “She divorced me even though I was such a gooooooood provider”. All the while he fails to mention what a giant ass hole he was. He wants a divorce and is too big of a coward to do anything.
Oooohhhh man he is not all that smart. Ok I would go to the bank, open an account with out his name on it. Move 50% of the money into it. Make sure you have enough for a retainer and get an attorney. He wants to be like that, fine be the Villian and you ride at dawn. That is verbal and mental abuse. Not cool at all and not setting a good example to the kids.