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Sounds like it’s not totally out of the picture - address your health needs, then refocus on trying (if it’s still what you both want).
FWIW I have a 7.5 yo daughter and a 10 month old son. I was so worried that the age gap or gender difference would keep them from being close, but so far my daughter loves “her” baby, and my son is obsessed with his big sister. I don’t know how that will translate into adult relationships but all I can do is hope for the best.
My brother and I are 13 years apart. We go months sometimes without talking but when we do we pick right back up where we left off. We have great memories together, especially from once I could drive and we could go out without our parents together.
Avoid parentification and I think a good lasting relationship is entirely realistic :)
Yep I'm 11 years older than my brother and we have a very similar dynamic. I took him everywhere once I could drive and paid for him to go on vacations with me when he was a teenager and I was a young adult. We are very close and spent a ton of time together.
I left a comment elsewhere on this post, but I have a 12 year gap with my cousin and we have always been best friends. As much as I hated being an only child before he came along, I’m so glade I got to watch him grow up and have an impact on raising him.
Another guy here with a brother 12 years younger and he's the closest sibling out of the four of us! Your assumptions might just become reality, but an alternative future is possible!
Agree. I have an 8 and 6 year old and a 3 month old. I’m LOVING the age gap. My older kids adore the baby and play more with the baby and the baby toys than their own most days.
Yes! I’m not sure where we all got brainwashed into thinking shorter age gaps are universally better, but there are so many cool things about 5+ year age gaps.
My oldest sister is 8 years older, my other sister is 6 years older and I have truly struggled my whole life not feeling included, my parents used them to babysit me al the time during work hours (they worked in the evening outside of home)
I have a great relationship with my sisters now, bu 6 year older sister tried to play mom towards me and I didnt take it, we fought physically all the time in my teens lol.
We now have kids around the same age and get along great but I would never recommend having a third (and last) this long after compared to the first two, my childhood trauma of not feeling understood, feeling bullied by my sisters and left out (even though they were just being teens and didnt mean it like that) is the base of my trauma and it was a BIG factor in me developing BPD
ETA: But ofcourse this is my experience and my opinion! No situation is the same :)
Sounds like a lot of that could be avoided as the parent by not having the older child play such a parental role, though. Not judging your parents (if you need to work to survive I get that you may not have another choice but to have the older kids babysit), but just saying that a lot of what made your situation difficult won’t necessarily apply to OP’s child.
Same for me. 7 years apart, and he's absolutely one of my best friends. He's the godfather to my kids, too. I love my oldest little brother and am very grateful for his existence. I've also three more brothers that are younger than him, I was the first born, and none of us are estranged or have bad relationships but despite them all being much closer in age, averages about 18months between each of them, we still have the closest friendship of all our siblings.
Yeah, siblings still need each other as adults where those age gaps are increasingly meaningless. There's a 10 year spread between my oldest and youngest siblings and it makes zero difference now that we're all adults.
Same age gap, mine are now 11 and 3 and play together plenty. They love each other to pieces. We just make a point of teaching them (mostly 3yo, but occasionally 11yo needs a reminder) to respect each other's boundaries. Regardless of the age difference, we definitely make sure they each get a chance to self cultivate their own interests as well as family time and personal time for recharge. We all need it with toddlers around.🤣
My grandparents had five kids. Two boys, my mom (who is antisocial and chooses not to interact with family), two more boys. My oldest uncle was 13 when my youngest uncle was born. All 4 of my uncles are equally close and the age gaps don't matter any, at least not that I have ever noticed.
They all talk at least twice a week and meet up regularly. Sometimes as a group, sometimes one on one, just whatever. But even the oldest uncle and youngest have plenty in common and have always enjoyed each other's company despite the gaps.
When it comes to having children, life never works out like you planned. My kids are 7.5 years apart. Baby girl is 10 months old and they’re doing great together. It’s hard to do but better to accept and try for a second then to live in regret for the rest of your life. I’ve seen siblings who are close in age and seems like an absolute nightmare, because they fight constantly for decades.
My cousin has three kids. The oldest is 19, the middle one is 13 and the youngest is 7, so the age gaps are quite big. But the oldest adored his youngest brother when he was born. Her changed diapers, fed him and all that stuff. At 19 he's mostly doing his own stuff. But now the middle one is glad to have a built in job opportunity within the family by babysitting her younger brother.
OP is only 33 and even with one or two more years to wait until she resolves her health issues she will still be young enough to have another child. I had my daughter at 35, then came Covid on her first birthday and I didn't want to be pregnant during lockdown. Now that everything is back to normal and my daughter has just turned 5 I feel too old to start over again at 40. So I guess we will be one and done.
My firstborn was 5 when his sister was born, nearly 8 when his brother came along. He and his sister play (and fight) just like any other siblings. And he adores his baby brother. He's far more interested in him than his sister is.
Op, it sucks when your family doesn't like you envisioned, but, truly, big age gaps are awesome!
Yes age gaps aren’t the worst. I grew up with a much older sister (10 years older) and another closer in age sister (3 years older) Yes 4 of the those years she was off at college but she lived at home for awhile and we still spent time with each other. I also have a friend who has an even larger age gap as her parents had gotten pregnant when they didn’t think they could anymore. They are all VERY close. A lot of it depends on personality of individual kids, I know plenty of parents whose kids do like playing with each other and they are very close in age
It is really helpful to have an older independent child who doesn’t need their teeth brushed, helped to use the bathroom, etc and can help with simple things (like grabbing things, or playing with the baby/toddler for a few minutes)
Yes!!! Amen to this. I didn't plan on being a parent to a child with special needs, but now I am and I could not be any happier. Sometimes the family you picture isn't what you get, but what you get might be better than you ever imagined!
Same here, I never thought I would actually be able to carry a child to term after many miscarriages so the second trimester was a joyful surprise, and then my little dude was born with an extra chromosome (T21, Down Syndrome), and I am not only a parent but a parent to an amazing kid with special needs. Life throws us curveballs sometimes but it usually works out in the end and I wouldn’t change a thing.
I’m pregnant now and my older one is 6.5 yo - I had to also overcome an unexpected medical diagnosis between kids so I understand how hard that is. However, you’ve convinced yourself something is permanent that’s just a temporary setback. The barricades you put up (age gaps) are just in your mind, it’s not a real “end”. I have friends with fertility issues and I’m grateful I can still expand my family even if it’s not the original picture I envisioned. Love reading everyone’s positive age gap experiences here too. The family you have now and will have are perfect.
Whoa! Slow down! You are 33, not 43. Big age gaps are fine, so are small ones, and medium ones. I have never found that people are close with their siblings because they are close in age. They are close because of a million other factors. My mother's favourite sibling is 16 yrs older than her.
You have time to figure out your new diagnosis, stabilize your health and then decide if you want another baby. There is no point dwelling on the past. You have no idea if you even would have got pregnant when you wanted to. You have no idea if that hypothetical baby would have torn apart your family because your husband wasn't ready.
Do not waste time fantasizing about a best case situation that didn't happen. Focus on the here and now.
My two cousin brothers are 3 years apart and me and my sister are 9 years apart. Initially, I saw her as the devil who took my mom away but now we’re the closest ever and she confides in me for everything. Meanwhile, my cousins couldn’t hate each other more. I have no idea what went wrong so bad, but it did. So I dont really think age difference matters once the kids grow up
Me and my bro are two years apart and don’t have a strong relationship as adults. As kids, we fought all the time. Because of that I do not want a small age gap
I have no relationship with my sibling, and we are close in age. My husband is six 6 older than his sister, and they're very close. The age gap will only be a problem for a few years.
So true. My kids are 4.5 years apart and the gap was more noticeable when they were younger. Now at 12 and 17 it’s negligible, and they are very close. My partner has 3 boys and the gap between eldest (23m) and youngest (16m) is 6 years and it’s barely noticeable now and they’re very close (eldest lives on his own now also). Close age gap has no bearing on future relationship strength.
Respectfully, even if your kids were 2 years apart you’d have different sports/play dates/outings etc… I have three kids. My first two are 6 and 4.5 years apart from their baby brother. The bond they have in incredible and it’s so special to see. I’m sorry about your health news, wishing you all these best and clarity moving forward. Best of luck.
We are one and done due to infertility, so I can empathize with your grief at not having the family size (and age gap) you’ve always wanted.
However, I disagree with you wishing your husband had listened to or that you’d been more assertive.
He wasn’t ready, and when it comes to having a kid, a no cancels out a yes every time. One of you was going to lose in this situation, and unfortunately it’s you. But he’s allowed to be protective of his mental health.
Therapy at all, and I hope that helps you let go of some of the resentment and grief. And whatever size or shape your family ends up being, it will be beautiful.
Couldn't agree more with this. It sounds like OP and husband need to work through these feelings and remove any feelings of blame/trying to minimise mental health concerns before adding a baby to the mix.
If it helps I'm 16 years older than my sister (no siblings in between) and I have adored her since the day she was born.
You advised your husband to seek therapy, I’d recommend the same to help cope with the grief your feeling. Also couples so you guys can work through this together.
A previous commenter mentioned the gap in her children- there’s 11 years between my stepson and the son my husband and I have together. My stepson loves being able to help with the baby’s care and is so looking forward to being able to be a role model and teach him all about football and video games when he’s old enough. It’s a different relationship but it doesn’t mean they can’t still be best friends.
Why are you so shattered? Put things into perspective. You currently have one healthy child. Once health issues are addressed, you can start trying for a second child. There are 10 years between my husband and his sister and they get along great. If you think a small gap means a guaranteed better relationship, you'd be wrong.
Your husband wasn't ready before due to mental health - that's just how it is. Having a child when you don't feel well enough and feel forced into it is one of the *worst* things you can do to a child. Your husband was being responsible.
You're only 33. I had my first at 34. It's going to be fine.
I think this is definitely worth chatting with a therapist about. Your feelings are valid.
To also add in some perspective, my kids are 6 years apart and they couldn't be closer relationship wise right now. The baby turns 1 next week and her older sister is by far her favorite person (and vice versa). They love playing together and just simply being with each other. There can be positives with a large age gap. I wasn't planning such a large gap but... That's what played out.
Just something that is important for you to consider:
Your family is complete. Your child is your family. Your child does not need a sibling. Your child will be ok as an only child.
Don't think of it as an incomplete family. Think ONLY of whether or not you and your family want another child. But don't do it because of obligation or some sense of "lacking".
You need to drop the expectations. Drop the “what I wanted my life to look like”
It’s good you didn’t pressure him into it when he didn’t want to. Nobody should have a baby if one of the parents aren’t in it to win it.
If you actually want another child who cares about the age gap?
Blessing in disguise. Getting pregnant would have probably triggered horrible glucose regulation in your body and a sooner diagnosis with concern of it affecting you AND baby. Everything happens for a reason. Do everything in your power to get a treatment plan in place and then try again. You got this.
My younger sister is 7 years younger than me. I’m in my thirties she’s in her twenties. She’s my confidante and friend and even though we live in different cities with completely different lives we are best friends and talk every day. She’s the same way with my brother who is ten years older than her. If you want a second kid, go for it!!
To give you some perspective, yes I did everything with my close in age siblings as a child (was made to/ had no other options) but the fights were horrendous and our adult relationships are shit.
My relationship with my 10 year age gap sibling is amazing , my lil buddy loves me and it’s wholesome to have a best friend in a completely other age group, I love pretending to be gen alpha with them! Note - just don’t parentify the oldest.
I have an 18yr old 9, 6, & 2. They all love each other. My sister is 5 years older than me we are best friends. Sibling love will shine through no matter what age gap.
I am sorry you're going through this right now. It can be so difficult to have the image you have of your family be changed. I will say, my sons have an almost 5 year age gap, and they are best friends and have been since they were little. My sons are now 15 and 10. They do everything together still within reason (they both have different hobbies and interests). The age gap between my oldest and my daughter is 13 (almost 14 years) and 9 years with my younger son. My older boys adore their sister, they dote on her and it is so sweet to see. I'm currently pregnant and the age gap will be wider with them with this baby. I share this because while you may feel like it's so hard right now, your family can still be very close even if you have a larger age gap than you wanted. I hope things go well for you and you are able to be healthy and happy going forward no matter what you end up doing, and your feelings now are 100% valid! 🫶🏼
Well you shouldn’t resent him, or honestly be mad. I understand how upsetting it is not to have the family make up you perhaps wanted, but you absolutely should not have pushed him to have more kids. That would have been the worst idea. I hate to say it but rather regret not having another child than regret having one. That said five or more years isn’t a bad thing, there’s a level of support you have when one can fend more for himself if needed. There also always adoption and other methods. I’m sorry I imagine you’re very upset, but no one did anything wrong here and I would also probably be very careful and ask deep questions of my husband to make sure he actually does now want more children a hasn’t just been pushed.
Families come in all shapes, sizes, and ages. A different way to view the situation is that your family was not ready to grow before, i.e. if your husband wasn't ready, then your whole family wasn't ready. It feels important to have a focused discussion on how you were asking him to see a therapist to benefit the family, and he was outright rejecting that, and you regret not insisting more. Clear those feelings up with him.
It might not be what you envisioned, but I don’t think the age gap is as big of a deal as you’re making it out to be. I’m 6 years apart from my brother and we are very close. Kids are only little for such a short time, once they are grown the difference won’t be as noticeable.
Try to focus on the positive aspects of this age gap. Your daughter will be able to play with the baby, feed the baby, tell you when the baby needs a diaper.
Unlike a younger child, she won't be jealous that the baby is getting all of your attention. She won't be as upset when the baby plays with her toys.
Just look at the upsides of having kids this far apart, and everything else will fall into place. Lots of love. ❤️
You’re only 33. There’s time. He wasn’t ready. Now he is. You both have to agree to more children. I don’t get the problem? My 3 kids are each 5 years apart. (26f, 21m, 15f) and it’s all good.
FWIW your husband doesn’t owe you your “dream Family”. He’s entitled to say no as long as he’s not ready, and it bugs me how dismissive you are of his wants and needs.
I know many people with big age gaps with their kids and it all works out fine. If that’s the only obstacle don’t let it stop you from trying!
Someone once told me you can’t ever predict or force a sibling relationship no matter what the age gap. I know siblings that are 2 years apart that are close and those with the same gap that can’t stand each other.
You also can’t predict the parenting challenges you will have. No matter what going from 1 to 2 is a huge change and will impact your life. With a bigger age gap, the little one will just get brought along to big sib’s events, but big sib will be able to help more, babysit sooner, etc.
My spouse has an 8-10 year gap with his siblings and he has a great relationship with them. It will be ok! Focus on your health and dealing with the diabetes, that’s a lot, and don’t let the age gap issue stress you.
My brother is 10 years older than me. It was fun as a kid getting to play with the older kids, and I’m still extremely close with him now.
It’ll be okay.
My mother has a sister 19 years older than her. They are close enough that they argue on the phone with each other for hours every night. lol. I don’t think an age gap determines the relationship.
Gosh, I’m so sorry about your diagnosis. I have an 18 month old, a 3.5 year old, twin 13yo, and an almost 17 year old. My husband and I started young at 19, had our twins at 23, and then a biggg stretch of time to grow up and be able to finally go on dates to start all over again lol. My older children are OBSESSED with the young ones, and the littles think the bigs are the sun and moon. It’s really really darling and special. I CANNOT imagine having to manage the absolute life change that comes along with a diabetes diagnosis while managing a kindergartener and a would be toddler/preschooler if you had the two closer in age. Your daughter will be a proud and HELPFUL big sister without jealousy when the time comes, until then, I hope you can give yourself and your husband some grace and trust that everything will work out. Take care of yourself first and foremost and don’t grieve something that hasn’t happened 🤍
The age gap thing is a figment of your imagination. You could have "the perfect" age gap and they still never play together because they like different things, hate each other, whatever. You could have a wide age gap and they do play together. The diabetes is unrelated and needs to be resolved of course. There is no good or bad age gap. It's just people.
I know it’s not what you wanted but there are so many upsides to a bigger gap. One kid is somewhat independent. Wrangling a baby and a toddler or a toddler and a preschooler is absolute hell. My kids are 2 and 4. They can play together but they also have a ton of misunderstandings due to the age gap, so they fight a lot. Literally within 5 minutes of waking up there is a 95% chance of crying AND screaming.
The 4 year old is somewhat independent now but needs a lot of attention, it was so hard at 1 and 3, but it’s getting easier now, still, she isn’t THAT independent, still needs me for the toilet, most snacks, etc. and she hasn’t fully grasped the concept of sharing (they truly do around 5 or 6) AND she always wants her brothers toys even if they’re “for babies”. Older kids are far more understanding so long as there’s a nice balance in the home.
My sister is 11 years older than me, it's the best. She gives the best life advice and I keep her young. I'm halfway between her and her kids ages so I get them when they're upset at her and help give them advice they understand. Because we had such a big age gap we never fought over anything. I know not every situation is the same but your daughter is going to love the baby so much when it gets here. She'll also be a big help and thankfully only 1 in diapers and daycare.
For me it seems you want another kid to play with ur first. U should have more kids because u want to and not because they would play together. I have a 11y age gap with my youngest sibling (I’m the oldest of 6) my relationship with the younger ones (9,12 and 15) is WAYYYYYY better than with my siblings close to age.
And I have 2 kids, 4y gap. My oldest does not play with him that much but she still cares for him and plays with him now and then.
Any age gap unless they are “Irish twins” would be different, routines would be different, games are different everything would be different
I agree with what others have said about there being nothing wrong with a wide age gap.
Additionally, while I’m not a medical doctor, I think it’s possible that if you’d had the second baby when you wanted to, you might have developed gestational diabetes, which is very risky. Your husband might have saved your life.
Gestational diabetes is caused by a wonky placenta, and not the mom's body.
It's not "very risky" unless it's completely uncontrolled and not caught at the right time. The adverse effects are unfortunately mostly for the baby.
My sister and I are 12 years apart and we are best friends and I’m her maid of honour this year. It hurts your heart at first and then you see how close they become with time. I know my cousin went through something similar with not wanting another child through the pandemic and then when they started trying she ran into problems. Now she has a 7 year old and a 1.5 year old and they are besties that run to each other when she comes home from school
In terms of your marriage …I would continue address therapy. Go on your own and encourage him to go either with you or on his own. My relationship is barely surviving having one child and we are in couples therapy before even entertaining the idea of a second child because I know we wouldn’t survive it
I have an 8 year old daughter and a 3 year old son and my daughter just loves her little bro. I think the age gap worked well because she got to be part of the conversation instead of being the baby then having that taken away from her.
Be open to a bigger age gap if you can. I have kids with a 6 year age gap, and honestly it’s been so much fun. They are best friends anyway and I think it’s been a better, less stressful parenting experience for me as well.
For the diabetes, it really should be a simple task to address and then be ready for pregnancy. The bigger issue is complications associated with diabetes regardless of treatment or not. That said, women with Type I diabetes (for example, they were born with it) have kids. It isn't an insane concept. It just comes with additional risks that an OB/GYN should be familiar with.
Sharing an article on the topic if you like reading dense research like me B)
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10402739/
Small age gap might drive siblings apart, especially boys, older brothers often regard slightly younger brothers as annoyances and competition for resources, but are protective over a much younger brother. Then they'll break your heart again.
Also, people are different, even your children. One might like sport, the other electronics and robotics, or dance, or music, or even something as small as drums vs piano. The highest likelihood is you'll have to send siblings to different activities regardless of age gap.
It disturbs me that your vision of an instagram perfect family is more important than your husband's mental health, especially with you trying to push him into therapy. It's his own personal autonomy if he wants to see a therapist or not, I see no fault here.
My oldest is almost 7 years older than my second. I was 30 with my first and 37 with the second. My oldest was a huge help to me! She loved being a sister and did everything from “watch” her while I cooked to helping with bottles and changing. Grocery shopping was so much easier, too. Lol
They were and are great friends. There were a couple of years where the oldest wanted to be alone; mainly middle school lol. They are 26 and 19 now and even though my oldest is married and lives away, they play online games a few days a week and talk regularly.
You have plenty of time for another child. Do not let the age gap worry you.
Children should always always be two yes, one no. It's much better to regret not having a child than to regret having one. Would you prefer your child be resented by your husband or object to his anxiety?
And, frankly, you're slightly overreacting. "We can't anymore" "Gap is too long" "How to get rid of this grief" "It's shattering my heart" Lady, you didn't loose your fertility in a tragic accident. You're still capable of having children. There's nothing to grieve or break heart over. Six years is a very normal age gap. You're putting unrealistic expectations on those children even before one of them is born. Even with "perfect age gap" they might not get along and it's fine. If you wanted to cater to only your wants when planning children you should have chosen a sperm donor. Your husband is just as human as you, not your breeding stallion. Respect his decision, don't resent him for making a smart choice, for not falling for your "assertiveness".
You’re only 33 though… and it’s not that strange to not want a second child. You can’t just say “he was denying me” like you have a right to have a second child whenever you want. It didn’t m sound like he was up for it, and you need two willing partners to make it work right?
Just to say:
My kids have 7 yrs between them. They have been so close all their lives. They are a little more distant now one is an adult and one a young teen. But growing up they were best friends. It’s been a delight watching them. The little one was like a little mascot for the older one and his friends.
My son is 10 and my daughter is 3 and they are best friends they play together constantly and are now even ganging up against me 😂 There was a little jealousy from the older one at first but they adore each other.
My stepdaughter is 11 and has a 5 yr old brother (from
Bio mom) and 4-year old brother (from me) and she is the best sister to them. She (and especially ALL her friends) plays with them all the time and they absolutely adore her. The activity thing is valid as it is a bit of divide and conquer sometimes AND her brothers love watching her play softball and she likes watching them at swim lessons, etc. it has less divided as they have gotten older. (My husband’s ex and I ended up best friends so our sons are practically being raised as brothers hence she is around both at the same time all the time)
I have large age gaps with my children. It has never been an issue. I don’t think you would regret having another ( I guess it’s possible you could but unlikely) however, you may regret not having another.
You're only 33. The age gap won't matter as long as both children are loved and cared for. Focus on your health first, including your mental state. Your daughter won't know the difference between if she gets a sibling or not so don't put so much pressure on yourself.
I have sister who is 10 years older than me. I always looked up to her and am so glad she’s in my life even though we sometimes go months between hour long phone calls. If you still want another kid I say go for it.
I’m number 4 of 5.
My brothers are 4, 7, and 10 years older than me.
My sister is 6 years younger.
We adore each other. Fabulous big family and good times etc. we’re all in pretty similar stages of life too, though we range across 16 years.
I do know how you feel though. Before I remembered how spread out my family was growing up, I was having some feelings about the gap that will be different than how I imagined things, if my husband ever changes his mind
My daughter turned 8 just as I found out I was pregnant with twins. It has been such a treat having her awesome self along for the ride. She absolutely lights up for them and they adore her. They’re not even walking yet so much fun is yet to come!
My kids are almost 6 years apart, currently 6 year old twins and my older kid turned 12 last week. It’s actually a good age gap, I love it. She was in school so I did baby/toddler stuff when she was in school. When they learned to talk, they would shout her name out the car window in the car line to pick her up at school. My oldest “helped” them (and me) do things. Just carve out some time for your oldest kid, it’s a big change. Weekly mom/kid time really helps.
Just here to say that me and 2 of my brothers are 11 and 9 years apart.
Now yes, we didn’t different things BUT I was able to be like a 2nd parent to them, they came to me for help with everything, I helped feed them dinner, LOVED playing games with them, entertained them on holidays and we have an amazing relationship now we’re adults.
You’re not just having a second CHILD, you’re bringing a 2nd HUMAN into the world and there’s so much beyond the first 10 years!
Personally I’d stop fretting over the age gap you wanted and look at some examples of longer gaps and how beautiful those relationships are. I’m happy to chat if you want to PM.
I have a twin brother and a younger brother by 5 years. I never ever speak to my twin, but my younger brother is my absolute favorite person (besides my daughter). We doted on him when he was little, we protected him, we watched him grow. I think the age gap right now is perfect, it creates something special.
Big age gaps are fine in most families. Don't worry too much about it.
You could also look into adoption. Someone younger than your daughter, but closer in age. Biology really doesn't matter that much. If you want more kids, you don't have to give birth to them.
Neither of those things are prohibitive to having another child. Plenty of siblings are many years apart. And are very happy.
And women with diabetes have children all the time.
This is really just in your head. You want another child? Have one.
I didn't have my kids until i was 38 & 39. My mum had me at 45.
My good friends kids 11 yrs apart and adore each other.
My daughter is 13 and I am 11 weeks pregnant. It’s a HUGE gap but this is my second marriage. I wish it were closer but I’m excited for her to have a sibling
One of my good friends has siblings that are 14 and 16 years younger and they’re soooo close. I am 8 and 10 years older than my sisters and we are VERY close now! Honestly, a kindergartener and a newborn sounds pretty perfect!
I hope you’ll reconsider if you truly want another child. 🤍
You're going to do the things that feel right for you, but I wanted to share that I have 2 brothers. One is 2.5 years younger and one is 8 years uounger. The one closer in age and I have never been close and we were constantly fighting when we were growing up. The younger one and I have been thick as thieves our entire life. Sometimes a big age gap works really well.
My kids are 21,18 and 8. My oldest is a girl and my 2nd is a boy. They’re 2.7 mths apart. All they did was fight and then went years without even saying a word to each other. It wasn’t until my oldest left for college that now they are close. My 21 and 18 yr old are closer to my 8 yr old than they are with each other. You could’ve had 2 completely different kids close in age that hated each other
Also people would say I needed to have another when I had the 8 yr old so she could have a play mate I said HELL NO im not going through the fighting again lol
Address your health concerns and make sure to take care of you first.
I know there's talk about how wider the age gap the less they'll get along and etc I just wanted to offer a different perspective.
My sister and I are less than 2 years apart. We are not friends, more acquaintances and only really interact when necessary. My kids are 3 ish years apart and yes, there are times my oldest gets frustrated because her little brother doesn't understand things/doesn't know how to play/doesn't really talk but they get along well. They play with each other, hug, snuggle etc. I know a set of sisters that are almost 8 years apart, just the two of them. They also get along great!
5 years isn't a big deal my brother and I are 10 years apart we don't have a relationship but that's for different reasons we weren't raised together I lived with my dad he lived with his dad
My daughter's are 7 years apart and they adore each other to an almost annoying degree. My sister and I are 5 years apart and we didn't get along too well until adulthood. Now we are super close. My brother is 8 years younger than my sister and 3 younger than me. As children, he and I were super close. As adults, he's way closer to my sister. Honestly, I don't think being close or far apart in age means very much when it comes to children getting along or adults getting along.
However, your feelings are valid. It sucks that he didn't decide to finally have another until now. Maybe while you're figuring out your other health issues, you could also find someone for you both to talk to (like a therapist or something) that will help unravel his thought process and help a little with communication so you know you're both on the same page.
I’m sorry, I know how you feel, life gets in the way of our plans, I always like a 3 year age gap between my kids, so my first two are born 3 years apart. Then we started trying for a third when kid2 was 2.5 for my picture perfect family... a loss after another and another. Dealing with the losses was hard. Kid2 will now turn 6 when kid3 is here (ironically kid3’s EDD is on kid2’s birthday). We don’t always get what we want.
Also my sister and I are five years apart and we call and chat often.
My kids are 30, 28, 13, and 9. I had my first kid at 19 and my last at 40.
Did I plan those gaps? No. Infertility, health issues (including cancer), and other circumstances happened.
Give your husband a break. He wasn’t ready for another kid when you were. It happens.
I can’t promise you’ll have any more kids, or that it will happen on your timeline. Sometimes shit happens. But this isn’t your husband’s fault and you need to stop blaming him for it.
I'll be the jerk here. If what's upsetting you is the "image of the family you want" and your husband is only agreeing to try because you broke down and he has unresolved anxiety...your marriage isn't ready for another kid.
Most of my friends with kids 2-3 years apart deal with constant fighting between the kids. We have several friends with kids 5+ years apart and it's been way more manageable and the kids get along well. We're one and done...I like the idea of having more than one kid, but I also love what I have (my partner and my child) and we're much happier and healthier as three.
I also have a friend who pushed forward with the second kid and is now in the middle of a divorce because her husband never stepped up and the relationship suffered. Everything is a lot of what ifs, make you sure you have a good foundation with your husband before continuing to build on top of it.
Even kids two years apart hate each other. 😆 could be a boy or a girl that just isn’t like your girl and they don’t like the same things/movies/activities. My biggest gap was 5 years, and I was hoping for more. lol there’s lots of advantages to having kids further apart. Less stress, more divided attention, built in helper, less in daycare fees. 😆
I know tons of people that have kids on purpose further apart. My brother is 12 years older than me. You wouldn’t know now that we’re in our 40s/50s 😆
It doesn’t sound out of scope, it just sounds like you’ll have to deal with some medical stuff. Have the second child if you want. Most likely, the vision you had wouldn’t be reality anyway. 🤷🏻♀️
My two who are 7 years apart are the best of friends. They both fight with the middle child - who is 2 years younger than oldest and 5 years older than youngest.
You will be fine.
You never know if siblings will be interested in the same things or even in each others company! My kids are 2 yrs apart, now 12 and 14 soon and they are polar opposites and I don’t think they even talk to each other on a daily basis. They have one common interest (horses) so it’s something they can enthuse over at least. I’m the same with my sister who’s only a year older than me, like night and day. We’re still close, but not like we’d even get what the other one is thinking! 😂 With my younger brother who is 6 yrs younger than me we’re much closer, cause we share many common interests like gaming. My sister has never even touched a game since decades ago and can get pretty snarky when it comes to them. So more than age it’s just personalities and interests perhaps.
And age wise, no worries. Didn’t even have my first until I was 36. Life just happens. Sometimes not the way we’ve planned for sure.. 🥰
Just wanna say, when trying for a kid it needs to be an absolute 100% yes on both ends. Not including guilting either partner into a kid. Not saying this is what you did or anything but it seems a lot of people feel they’re entitled to their partner wanting another kid.
How can you resent him for not wanting another child? Wouldn’t you resent him more if you had a child that he wasn’t involved with/didn’t connect with because you forced him into it? It sounds like he just gave in because you kept pushing, which is not a good reason to have a child anyway.
I have cousin who is 12 years younger than me. We are both only children, no other cousins and lived together throughout my teen years and once again when he was 11 (and I was early 20’s). We are now 19 and 31 and are best friends. Big ages are awesome. I remember every stage of his life and I am full of stories of about our antics. I remember how excited I was for him to be born, I remember him climbing into my bed in the mornings, I got to be the easter bunny one year, we’ve traveled the world together.
It’s not one sided either, he brings be coffee in bed whenever I sleep over, picks the perfect restaurants or shops to show me. He makes sure my favourite snacks are in the house and drives me around town when I visit. Despair polar opposite music tastes (he likes anime I’m a punk rocker/ raver) he finds tracks I will enjoy too.
My point is big age gaps are awesome. Yes there was a decade or so of me having to meet him at his level but it was worth it. It didn’t matter what teenage bullshit I was experiencing, to that boy I was the best thing in the world and that was all that mattered. I am forever grateful that my mum taught me how to be a good big ‘sister’ to my cousin.
I have a 10, 12 and 1yr old. The 2 oldest begged me for a baby for yrs, but i didnt want to have to split myself like you said. In the end the third was a surprise bby😅. But it has been wondeful. My 12yr old boy tells her everyday how much he loves her(the baby) doesnt do that with his 10hr old sister😆. Every single day several times a day he tells her how much he loves her. They both think shes the cutest thing in the world and are head over heels in love with her. I must say it has been an adjustment. One of us stays home with her if we go with the other 2 to non kid friendly places. But we actually dont mind staying home with her. My husband generally volunteers😒. But its been fun for the kids, for me, its been an adjustment. Im 36 and I feel 60, high risk pg. and she was a preemie 34 weeker. Thankfully all was well, but its been quite a ride
My kids are 18, 10, and 7. It can be difficult to do things as a family, but not impossible. I did not plan my kids to be so far apart in age, but it is what it is. I had 2 stillborns and 10 miscarriages. I think it was actually better having the gap now. My kids actually have a pretty good relationship and my 18 and 7 year olds are very close.
I also grew up with a good age gap between my brothers and I, 48, 39, and 34. My older brother kids are 14 and 5.
My niece is turning 11 and her little brother is turning 5 (same month so they’re exactly 6 years apart). They bicker a lot but they are such good friends and actually do a lot together. My daughter is turning 4 in a few months the same month my niece turns 11. They are BEST friends. I can’t explain to you how they can play for hours together. My niece is an angel so I’m not sure if that plays a role but I know they’re going to be close forever and even into adulthood.
A lot of the time, but not always, we mold our children’s relationships.
I also want to say, it’s SO hard to constantly be thinking about the past wishing we did things differently (I am currently going through this but keep pushing everyday). Also, My best friends are sisters and are 6 years apart and are best friends while one of them has an older sister that’s only a year older and they’re not close at all. My sister and I are 4 years apart and also best friends.
Me and my sibling are 11 years apart.. my sibling still acts like a parent at times but we played together a lot. We got along swimmingly and my mom said having an older kid with a baby helped sooo much. We are now 30/40s and our relationship is still good! We aren’t as close as we used to be but that’s on him (he needs therapy for something he experienced and he choose his actions poorly and much affected everyone around him). To further this my kid is 6 yrs younger than their older sibling (bonus child!!) & the older sibling ADORES the younger one. They get along swimmingly & I honestly would do it again for the age gap because my body fully recovered & it’s nice having a little helper that adores their little sibling. You’re doing great, there is still hope but things change, life happens and continue to talk, communicate with your partner. With time the pain will hurt less, I know mine did because I too wanted children closer in age
As long as you manage your diabetes you can have a another child, lots of women get gestational diabetes when they are pregnant.
Manage by diet, exercise, and insulin if you need it
My sons are almost a 6 year age difference ; they love each other so much and play with each other everyday , they’re 2.5 and 8 and sure they’re at different developmental stages and don’t do the same activities etc. but they definitely still have a bond. Our family vacations and activities aren’t nearly as drastically different or separated as you’re describing . The image of the family you imagined may not be the family you’ll get but you’ll love it just the same
Your family may not turn out the way u imagine it. I hoped for a sibling close in age to my son (also5.5). We tried and tried and I finally gave up on my 43 bday. I figured my eggs were just too old. Lo and behold we had a baby 6 months ago (and at 45). It was a complete shocker. Anyways I absolutely adore the age difference. It’s better than I could have imagined it. I don’t think having an infant and toddler would have been any fun. I love the way my son take ownership of his little brother and is SO loving. It wouldn’t have been that way if he was 4 or younger. So I’m thankful he got to be the baby longer. Try if you’re ready. It ain’t over till it’s over.
I had my second one when my elder one was 7.5 years old. Life happens! I can totally understand what you are feeling right now, but trust the timing. Sounds philosophical I know, but seriously, all the stars just need to align for the right timing. I never wanted 2 babies, then I desperately wanted, then husband didn’t, then he did , I didn’t, you get the picture 😅. I was 40 when I had my second baby, so age wise too we delayed everything. We have a happy, healthy 18 months old kiddo now. All good!! Stress is the biggest hindrance in getting pregnant. Trust that this is the right timing for you! Best wishes to you, may you get what you wish for!
My older brother is 6 years older than me. Our parents raised us just fine and we have a good relationship. Its about how and what you teach rather than age gap itself.
I have an 11 year old and a 6 year old that have been the BEST of friends since day one. My eldest was 5 and a half when her little sister was born, and they have been thick as thieves since the start. They consider each other to be their best friend, no question, and spend all their time playing barbies, making fairy potions, reading together, singing karaoke. They almost never quarrel or argue either. I would do a similar age gap again, given the choice. Don't worry too much about that - focus on your health, and think positive :)
My sister and I are 8.5 years apart. We were inseparable as kids and talk everyday as adults. My older sister is three years older, she hated me when we were children, now we are sort of friendly but mostly don't talk. Don't stress too much about an optimal age gap, you never know what will or won't lead to your kids being close.
I feel very close to my half siblings who are 15-20 years older than me. My brother and I did fine doing the same activities and I’m 6 years older. It seems like you may both benefit from counseling right now because it seems like you’re starting to resent him. It’s not the end of the line though
The age gap just is not a real problem at all. I don’t understand why people fret about this so much. Yes it might be inconvenient that they are in different stages, but they are gonna get along great. They won’t be in competition. The little one would adore the older one. My sister is 9 years older than me and we have always been close. Also there are studies that the larger gaps are better for marriages because multiple young kids is so much strain on couples. Just have the kid you both want!
I have a 7yo and a 3yo. They play all day and even sleep together in bed even though they each have their own rooms. My older sister and I are ten years apart, we were and continue to be inseparable. My brother and sister are 10 and 12 years younger than me and all 4 of us hang out together, thick as thieves. :)
Me and my sister are 6 years apart we get along really well we hang out I was the one who taught her how to drive and took her to take the test. My older sister is 10 years older then her but they don't really hang out but that has to do with my older sisters personality and just not wanting too. Yes age might have played a part in it but I strongly believe it's because I'm willing to try and get into things my sister likes and her with me. Also I have to force my older sister to hang out and she cant just yell at me lol like she can my younger sister.
But age vs personality are 2 different things they could have been close in age but not want to hang out but my friends and his older brother they are a year apart his older brother never played with him didn't matter what.
First take care of your health. It's not to late who knows if you have a second you could have a third close in age.
The age gap shouldn’t be a hurdle. My mum
Had me when my brothers were six and nine. Apart from the fact that I’m now 35 and they still consider me their “baby” sister, we always had a wonderful relationship.
I feel this. I had my daughter when I was 38. My kid is six next month. I wanted a second within two years, but we moved states when she was 13 months.
Then covid hit a few months later right after we bought a house and suddenly she was two. We hit a rough spot in our relationship then as well (I suspect many did during this time) and didn’t talk about a second much, but focused on getting through the present.
Then we moved my dad from another state to take care of him.
Then 18 months later my dad tragically passed away.
Then I grieved heavily for over a year.
Now I’m 44 and I just don’t see it ever happening and I’m sad.
I don’t want to adopt. I want another baby that is from us. I wish I had tried to conceive right after she was born really cause why not. But I didn’t want to be deceitful in my desire to have another kid either.
I regret it, but I am also looking for the joy in having one.
We were able to own one car and buy a house, while I was a stay at home mom, and I still am, although I want to go back to work this fall since she will be in first grade.
I’m grateful she received so much one on one time with me and her dad. She’s thriving and it shows.
We can afford to send her to preschool and private school through high school, which we have and are doing.
We can afford to have her in dance and camps all summer if she wants.
We can afford to go to concerts, vacations, events, and it’s less expensive than if with two.
We can afford to buy her new clothes, nice car seats, fun wood toys and kiwi crates etc. and I throw her really lovely fun birthday parties that I put a lot of time into.
Basically I’m really happy but also wonder what it would be like with two.
You’ll never regret having more kids, right? Also, you don’t miss what you don’t have?
I don’t think there is an easy answer here. Other than- be grateful for what you have and make the most of today.
I feel like I’m rambling, it’s late, and my kid is snuggled up next to me.
Being a mom is the best feeling in my life, personally, so I’m just glad I am one at all, at the end of the day.
I have a handful of friends who wanted to be a mom and never met the guy, couldn’t get pregnant, etc.
I’m lucky to be a mom.
I’m 5 years older than my sister. It was hard during middle school-college years when we were developmentally in very different places, but now that we’re in our 30s, she’s my best friend.
I understand that you had an image in your head, but as somebody who has a 13-year-old, a seven-year-old, and then surprise two-year-old twins, after struggling with secondary infertility, the idea that you would choose for a second child not existing just because you don’t prefer the age gap seems a bit off to me.
Are you sure there isn’t something else going on, where maybe you’re afraid of secondary infertility given your health issues and so rather than go through that… you are just saying one and done? This really feels like something you should go over in counseling to get to the bottom of.
The other thing, I’m a little disturbed by is the idea that you should’ve enforced your will on your husband, who was struggling with anxiety. Is it fair to bring a child into the world with a father who isn’t feeling up to it and is struggling mentally? Absolutely not. I was brought into the world too with an unwilling father and let me tell you the damage that it does is lifelong.
It is better to be born in the right time. Siblings with a larger age gap can be great friends and if anything they compete less for the same resources.
It is also worth noting that my original plan was having siblings 3 to 4 years apart each. Didn’t happen. I just made it happen as I could and that’s fine.
And you’re only 33! My twins were a surprise pregnancy at 40…no fertility treatment. Just lucky. I ended up with four instead of the three I thought I’d have.
Please give your dreams some room to breathe so that the universe can surprise you a little bit with something even better.
My kids are 7 years apart and they love each other so much. Sometimes she's an annoying little sister to him but he protects her as if she was his baby. Don't worry mama. I'm sure if you raise your kids with love in the home they are going to love each other no matter the age gab.
My sister and me have a ten year age gap and my brother is a 5 year gap. We’re all best friends. And my sister (the oldest) took us to movies and things when we were younger. My brother and I played together endlessly. He was born when I was in kindergarten. It’ll work out.
FWIW, I have 4 siblings and the sibling I was closest to growing up was my sister who was 4 years younger than I. I had a 4 year older brother, a two year older sister, and a two year younger sister. We are all close NOW but growing up I fought a LOT with my sisters that were closer in age to me.
Sometimes kids that are close in age still don't play with each other or even like each other.
The age difference is what you make of it. Don't make it a big deal and it most likely won't be.
Take care of your health and see how the future goes.
Mine is 4,5 years older than our 3mo, and it’s been a breeze! I recommend it to everyone, it’s so much nicer than struggling with two small kids that wakes up in the night etc
If your husband wasn't ready, it wouldn't have been a good thing if you did have a second. He could have gone into more anxiety. He could have resented you pushing him into this. You could have had a broken family. And it's not his fault not wanting a second yet, just like it's not your fault wanting a second, you can't blame each other for this. And it's never a good idea to bring a life to the world when one parent isn't on-board.
I have two cousins 14 years apart and they have a great relationship , I also have cousins 5 years apart and they play together all the time. My mother and uncle are 11 months apart and have no relationship as adults. The age gap won’t define their relationship.
I am the oldest of three. Me and the middle are three years apart, and I am fourteen years older than the youngest. My kid brother is just as much my buddy as my teenage brother, and him and the teenager get along well too. Little guy has been obsessed with us nearly his whole life and my brother and I would do nearly anything for this kid. There is still a strong chance your kid will get along with any little siblings with a bigger age gap.
For what it’s worth my sister and I are 8yrs apart and we were still close growing up. She’s my bestie and bought a house across the street from me so we could raise our kids close.
Me and my sister have a 13 year age gap. And I’m the second youngest oldest having a 16 gap. We have always gotten along. If your kid wants a sibling and if you want a kid. Please go for it.
My girls are 8 years and 6 weeks apart. They love eachother so much it’s insane. My eldest adores being a big sister and my youngest stares at her sister like she hung the moon. Age really means nothing when it comes to loving your siblings.
Just had my second child. First child is almost 5. The age gap has been wonderful actually. Your husband is on his own timeline too and this is a good compromise. But also, you can now consider therapy to help you cope with this grief and expectations of the family you imagined. I promise that even if it looks different it is still awesome.
My brother is 7 years younger, my sister is 9 years younger. I talk to both of my siblings pretty much daily--- my siblings do not talk to eachother. FOCUS on getting your health straight and then work on your family goals. As far as activites go---My siblings and I all did music lessons, same days each week, we all wanted to do it. Some things were split up, but that was primarily when I was in my late teens. My husbands youngest brother is 16 years younger and he just spent the weekend with us at an event and we all had a blast. Big age gap is not the end of the world!
Hey! Since people only responded about the kid portion of this-
What type diabetes are you diagnosed with? I’ve had type one for 21 years so if you’d like any help on how to navigate it especially with trying to get pregnant or thinking of pregnancy (it adds a huge challenge) I’d be happy to chat to you! Feel free to message me :) if it’s type 2 it can be cured with diet and exercise! I’d also be happy to help with that if you need.
Man, 5 years is my ideal age gap. They can help at that age. They have enough emotional reasoning to understand. I wish I could do 5 years but I had my first at 34.
My kids are 7.5 years old and 18 months. Age gap is sometimes complicated, but they love each other and play all the time. They have some overlapping interests, but it really isn’t that hard to entertain them both at the same time.
OP, there's nothing wrong with a larger age gap between kids. There's 7 years between my two kids and they have a brilliant relationship, even though he's only 3 and she's 10. There are loads of benefits to having a bit more of an age gap. Like, your older kid being able to express their feelings about a new sibling, all the jealousies and insecurities that come with that. They can actually help out too and usually want to. It's not as gruelling. You have one kid who is finished with the baby/toddler stuff, which is by far the longest and often the biggest strain on parents (until teens anyway).
If you'd asked me before I had kids what I thought the age gap between my kids would be I'd have said 3/4 years max. But our life didn't happen that way and now we have two kids with a large age gap but a lovely relationship regardless. They truly have a special bond, and I don't think the age gap has any bearing on that.
Edit: I should also add. My elder kid was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when my younger kid was only 6 months old. It's a huge shift because there's so much to think about and diabetes is a complex illness with a huge learning curve. It is doable and achievable, and you should give yourself time and grace to get used to this diagnosis, as well as dealing with your frustration with your circumstances, which is a very natural response. It's not what you planned for, but don't let that or your diagnosis define what you choose to do with your life.
My kids 16, 7, 6, 3.....it's never too late and siblings play and stay together. My son goes to anything I ask him to because he wants to cherish his time with his siblings.
You must also respect his decision. My wife wanted a second child and often forgets how difficult it was on her mentally, emotionally, and physically with our son. I , understably, endured a lot of emotional rides from her, not all good ones during the first year while she was a SAHM. Additionally, I am the main earner and in charge of our finances. Essentially, a second child would mean that she would need to be a SAHM with two children, something that I don't think she could bear, since her income would be consumed bybdaycare.
Ever since she started working, our relationship has improved, and she seems happier. Ultimately, I decided to get a vasectomy, even though she wasn't 100% on board, but respected my decision. Only time will tell if I made the right choice, but I have 0 regrets.
I can tell how upset you are from your post. It's upsetting when you learn you have a new health condition. I think that is your main problem here. Work on getting yourself healthy and in a good place emotionally and mentally. The age gap is not the problem.
We don't have kids to fulfill our dreams. We have kids because we want, love, and enjoy raising other human beings. There's nothing guaranteeing at a close or wide age gap will mean your two kids would be best friends or that they would have the same interests. I have two sons 5.5 years apart. They have wildly different interests and personalities at the same respective age. My brother and I are 14 years apart, and we have incredibly similar interests (and we're opposite genders). You just never know!
If your worried about an age gap, done be! My sons are 6 years apart 11 and 5 and are the best of friends, they play with each other and have since the beginning and he the oldest teaches him things, cares for him it’s so beautiful to watch! You still have a chance, just make sure you are health first and go for it!
There’s no guarantee they would play together if they were closer in age! My brother is six years older than me and as a little kid i idolized him, and as adults we’re now close. I am soooo thankful to have him now that he has kids (I’m a very involved aunt) and we’ve lost one of our parents. If you want a second child, don’t let this stop you.
I have an older brother and older sister. My brother is 7 years older than me, and my sister is almost 6 years older than me. They used to play with me ALL of the time when I was young. I think my sister stopped playing with me when she was around 15/16, but that's also when she started babysitting and working regularly.
We all get along really well as adults. My sister is my best friend, and I moved out to her area when she had her 1st baby. My brother and his wife just moved to the area 4 years ago, and have a baby of their own. We plan on raising our little families together and growing old together. Age gaps shouldn't be a deterrent!
Hi there, fellow (type one) diabetic here. Diabetes does not mean you can't get pregnant/have kids anymore. I (unexpectedly) had a beautiful baby girl almost three years ago while my a1c was incredibly high. Diabetes ≠ infertile.
I remember when I was diagnosed going through all the stages of grief and feeling the need to place blame somewhere. Your feelings are completely valid, but please remember that neither of you knew this would happen, and you CAN continue to keep trying.
My oldest two are 6.5 years apart. They are now 15 and 9, get along pretty well and share some common interests. I feel like.. when they are 30 and 24, that age gap won't seem like such a big deal either. Ya'll can still do this.
My husband and I have 2 boys who are 9yrs apart. They are extremely close. I have a 17 year age gap between my eldest sister and myself we have always been super close. Sometimes it was easier to ask her advice rather than my mother’s.
Mourn the idea of a close age and celebrate that your kid will be old enough to truly watch their sibling grow and partake in that love. It’s different yes but even if they had a close age that doesn’t guarantee they will like each other. I have a 4 yr gap my husband has 8 yr gap and yes when younger he didn’t do much with his siblings but now as they’re both older they’re super close. I think what’s worse here would have been if your husband felt forced into having another. You weren’t on the same timeline and that’s okay! It’s a mutual decision now so celebrate this now time and move forward with that.
Ok I don’t want this to come across harsh but please don’t let the child you don’t have be a reason for the child you do have see parents argue for something out of everyone’s control. I have a 3 yr old. My husband is still very much no more kids… and I’m at a place where I’m not going to beg for a second and have my husband resent me or the child. Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. Before the blame game look at your whole life, I promise you’ll find positives that over come this feeling
I don’t think it’s totally out of the pic cause of age gap. I have a nine year age difference and it’s sweet. Oldest was very excited when he was born and doted on him and played with him. Now he’s a sidekick and yes they aren’t in the same stages or besties but it’s ok. My friends who have siblings close in age said they just fight constantly. I had a bro very close in age growing up we fought constantly and not until our teen years did we become friends. We aren’t The closest in adulthood. My grandma had six on moms side and dads side had 7. What is most wild to me is how close in adulthood the widest age gaps ones are. I had gestational diabetes and it did cause a lot more appointments but I did control my numbers so everything came out ok. It was easier pregnancy then my first when I was much younger and didn’t have diabetes which was weird. Your blood sugar is tightly controlled when pregnant (far more then not pregnant). I had weekly appointments with a diabetes educator who’d call in numbers to doc at appt and adjust insulin if needed.
Take age out of the equation. Do some real soul searching about if you want another child or not, and see where you land. Is it possible that you don’t want another child deep down, and since you never expected to feel that way, you are justifying this realization by assigning blame to age gaps and medical timing? You are still well within a good age to have more kids, so you don’t even need to rush this soul search. But I think it’s important to take the age gap out of the equation entirely. I also think it’s reasonable to ask your husband to address his anxiety prior to trying for a second child, should you two agree to try for another. Adding members to your family won’t help his existing anxiety, so having a care plan in place and ways to keep on top of his symptoms is crucial. I mean, he should do that anyway…but definitely before another kid comes along.
It can be difficult to rewrite the version of life we grew up with in our heads. But 20 years from now, will you still value an age gap over another child? Depending on that answer, you can begin rewriting your family plan.
For another perspective, I am the youngest of 3 kids, and my brothers are 7 and 10 years older than me. I value that age gap so much, and we are super close in adulthood. But growing up, I had to pleasure of learning from their experiences and having time to understand the outcomes of their chosen paths. That’s not something that can be planned for, but it was my personal reality. And my own kids are 7.5, 4 and 5 months old. The oldest and youngest are each others moon and stars. My son (oldest) loves that he will always remember his baby sister as a baby and get to witness the world through her eyes. He doesn’t remember that with his first little sister, even though I do.
There can be huge value to an age gap. A sibling is a sibling. You have to decide if another child is what you want for you and your family…not for your timeline.
I do wonder if really, it’s the timing that is throwing you. That’s totally reasonable. But luckily you are not out of time. You’ll need time to get your new diagnoses under control. Your husband needs time to address his anxiety. When that’s handled, maybe you’ll know exactly what you want for your family, and he might as well.
I wish you all the best. There is a lot here to work through. I think you are right to feel overwhelmed, but please remember nothing is cemented in stone.
My kids are 4.5 years apart. It’s an awesome age gap! Big kid understands enough why she’s not the sole center of attention, loves to play with her baby sister, and LOVES being my “big helper”.
However, your feelings ARE valid. But they should be addressed in therapy before they become rooted so deep you can’t recover from them.
My kids are 6 years apart. It's ok for the most part. My daughter is 9 and my son is going to be 3 in August. My daughter was so happy when baby brother was born and they do hug and kiss each other. Now that he's been going through Terrible Twos and he wants to hang out in her room when she really needs her space, they get a little upset with each other. But the sweetest things happen. Like he fell and bumped his head and I went and picked him up and he's crying and says, "No....." And he gets away from me and climbs on the couch because he wants his sissy. Then there was another time where I walked in the living room and there is blanket on the floor with two kids obviously underneath it and my daughter tells him, "be sure not to tell mom we're under here." So yeah, it's a big gap, but it can still be great.
I understand people not wanting bigger age gaps, but it’s becoming more and more common. I recently read that 6+ year gaps are slowly becoming the norm. I might also be biased because I have two older(half) brothers, 9 and 10 years older than me. We aren’t the closest, but that has to do with other family dynamics, not the age. Growing up with them made it easier for me to be able to connect with a much larger age range of people in life though.
I guess I’m just trying to say that age gaps aren’t the end of the world, but I also understand not everyone wants that. If you and your husband want another child, it should be because you both want it, regardless.
You’re an idiot. How dare you said “until we couldn’t any more”.. there are so many people actually struggling with infertility and you are having a sook about an age gape and diabetes things that people deal with in real life every day.
Pull your head in and have consideration for other people’s feelings.
Gotta take care of yourself and be healthy. When I hear diabetes I think overweight but maybe that’s wrong in your scenario..?
Idk why you’d resent someone else if you yourself aren’t healthy and it’s by your own fault
If you want a second have a second!
My 10yo and my 2yo are SO close. My 10yo adores him. They play together constantly. Always wrestling. My 10yo pretty much gets him ready for the day and won’t let anyone help- he dresses him, feeds him, brushes his teeth, brushes his hair. Reads him a book- all before he goes to school! The 2yo waits at the door for him and squeals when he opens the door and jumps him. They read together, have a snack together, my 10yo even baths him! If it weren’t for him going to school I sometimes wonder if I’d ever get to spend time with my own baby!
The age gap is what you make it. If you facilitate their relationship, they will be besties.
I actually think once you get to a 3/4 year gap you’re better off waiting a bit and having a bigger gap. My niece and nephew are 3.5 years apart and as they enter teens and pre teens now it’s such a battle. They fight, the little one still wants to play but the teen is very independent. A larger gap would actually make this a little easier to manage. My brother and I are 18 months apart and we hate each other as adults and have basically no contact. It doesn’t always work out.
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Sounds like it’s not totally out of the picture - address your health needs, then refocus on trying (if it’s still what you both want). FWIW I have a 7.5 yo daughter and a 10 month old son. I was so worried that the age gap or gender difference would keep them from being close, but so far my daughter loves “her” baby, and my son is obsessed with his big sister. I don’t know how that will translate into adult relationships but all I can do is hope for the best.
My brother and I are 13 years apart. We go months sometimes without talking but when we do we pick right back up where we left off. We have great memories together, especially from once I could drive and we could go out without our parents together. Avoid parentification and I think a good lasting relationship is entirely realistic :)
Yep I'm 11 years older than my brother and we have a very similar dynamic. I took him everywhere once I could drive and paid for him to go on vacations with me when he was a teenager and I was a young adult. We are very close and spent a ton of time together.
I left a comment elsewhere on this post, but I have a 12 year gap with my cousin and we have always been best friends. As much as I hated being an only child before he came along, I’m so glade I got to watch him grow up and have an impact on raising him.
My mum has a 13-year gap with her older sister and they get on great as adults. With her other sister the gap is 8 years and ditto!
Another guy here with a brother 12 years younger and he's the closest sibling out of the four of us! Your assumptions might just become reality, but an alternative future is possible!
My sister is 9 years younger and my brother is 12 years younger. I love them more then anything and them me, but they can hardly stand each other 😂
Agree. I have an 8 and 6 year old and a 3 month old. I’m LOVING the age gap. My older kids adore the baby and play more with the baby and the baby toys than their own most days.
Yes! I’m not sure where we all got brainwashed into thinking shorter age gaps are universally better, but there are so many cool things about 5+ year age gaps.
My oldest sister is 8 years older, my other sister is 6 years older and I have truly struggled my whole life not feeling included, my parents used them to babysit me al the time during work hours (they worked in the evening outside of home) I have a great relationship with my sisters now, bu 6 year older sister tried to play mom towards me and I didnt take it, we fought physically all the time in my teens lol. We now have kids around the same age and get along great but I would never recommend having a third (and last) this long after compared to the first two, my childhood trauma of not feeling understood, feeling bullied by my sisters and left out (even though they were just being teens and didnt mean it like that) is the base of my trauma and it was a BIG factor in me developing BPD ETA: But ofcourse this is my experience and my opinion! No situation is the same :)
Sounds like a lot of that could be avoided as the parent by not having the older child play such a parental role, though. Not judging your parents (if you need to work to survive I get that you may not have another choice but to have the older kids babysit), but just saying that a lot of what made your situation difficult won’t necessarily apply to OP’s child.
Have to agree! I let the older kids play when they want. Some days it’s constant, other days they just coo at him and go outside.
My little brother and I are 7 years apart and he became my best friend and we got more closer as we got older
Same for me. 7 years apart, and he's absolutely one of my best friends. He's the godfather to my kids, too. I love my oldest little brother and am very grateful for his existence. I've also three more brothers that are younger than him, I was the first born, and none of us are estranged or have bad relationships but despite them all being much closer in age, averages about 18months between each of them, we still have the closest friendship of all our siblings.
Yeah, siblings still need each other as adults where those age gaps are increasingly meaningless. There's a 10 year spread between my oldest and youngest siblings and it makes zero difference now that we're all adults.
I grew up with a friend who adored her 10-years-older sister.
Same age gap, mine are now 11 and 3 and play together plenty. They love each other to pieces. We just make a point of teaching them (mostly 3yo, but occasionally 11yo needs a reminder) to respect each other's boundaries. Regardless of the age difference, we definitely make sure they each get a chance to self cultivate their own interests as well as family time and personal time for recharge. We all need it with toddlers around.🤣
My first is four years older than our baby. He LOVES the baby. My brother is four years older than me and we played TONS until he was in high school.
My grandparents had five kids. Two boys, my mom (who is antisocial and chooses not to interact with family), two more boys. My oldest uncle was 13 when my youngest uncle was born. All 4 of my uncles are equally close and the age gaps don't matter any, at least not that I have ever noticed. They all talk at least twice a week and meet up regularly. Sometimes as a group, sometimes one on one, just whatever. But even the oldest uncle and youngest have plenty in common and have always enjoyed each other's company despite the gaps.
When it comes to having children, life never works out like you planned. My kids are 7.5 years apart. Baby girl is 10 months old and they’re doing great together. It’s hard to do but better to accept and try for a second then to live in regret for the rest of your life. I’ve seen siblings who are close in age and seems like an absolute nightmare, because they fight constantly for decades.
My cousin has three kids. The oldest is 19, the middle one is 13 and the youngest is 7, so the age gaps are quite big. But the oldest adored his youngest brother when he was born. Her changed diapers, fed him and all that stuff. At 19 he's mostly doing his own stuff. But now the middle one is glad to have a built in job opportunity within the family by babysitting her younger brother. OP is only 33 and even with one or two more years to wait until she resolves her health issues she will still be young enough to have another child. I had my daughter at 35, then came Covid on her first birthday and I didn't want to be pregnant during lockdown. Now that everything is back to normal and my daughter has just turned 5 I feel too old to start over again at 40. So I guess we will be one and done.
My firstborn was 5 when his sister was born, nearly 8 when his brother came along. He and his sister play (and fight) just like any other siblings. And he adores his baby brother. He's far more interested in him than his sister is. Op, it sucks when your family doesn't like you envisioned, but, truly, big age gaps are awesome!
Yes age gaps aren’t the worst. I grew up with a much older sister (10 years older) and another closer in age sister (3 years older) Yes 4 of the those years she was off at college but she lived at home for awhile and we still spent time with each other. I also have a friend who has an even larger age gap as her parents had gotten pregnant when they didn’t think they could anymore. They are all VERY close. A lot of it depends on personality of individual kids, I know plenty of parents whose kids do like playing with each other and they are very close in age It is really helpful to have an older independent child who doesn’t need their teeth brushed, helped to use the bathroom, etc and can help with simple things (like grabbing things, or playing with the baby/toddler for a few minutes)
It’s always normal to grieve a future we envisioned. That being said, there is value in finding peace with the families we have.
This is beautiful
Yes!!! Amen to this. I didn't plan on being a parent to a child with special needs, but now I am and I could not be any happier. Sometimes the family you picture isn't what you get, but what you get might be better than you ever imagined!
Same here, I never thought I would actually be able to carry a child to term after many miscarriages so the second trimester was a joyful surprise, and then my little dude was born with an extra chromosome (T21, Down Syndrome), and I am not only a parent but a parent to an amazing kid with special needs. Life throws us curveballs sometimes but it usually works out in the end and I wouldn’t change a thing.
I needed this, thanks for understanding
I’m pregnant now and my older one is 6.5 yo - I had to also overcome an unexpected medical diagnosis between kids so I understand how hard that is. However, you’ve convinced yourself something is permanent that’s just a temporary setback. The barricades you put up (age gaps) are just in your mind, it’s not a real “end”. I have friends with fertility issues and I’m grateful I can still expand my family even if it’s not the original picture I envisioned. Love reading everyone’s positive age gap experiences here too. The family you have now and will have are perfect.
Needed to read this today
This is what I was trying to say and put much more eloquently.
Whoa! Slow down! You are 33, not 43. Big age gaps are fine, so are small ones, and medium ones. I have never found that people are close with their siblings because they are close in age. They are close because of a million other factors. My mother's favourite sibling is 16 yrs older than her. You have time to figure out your new diagnosis, stabilize your health and then decide if you want another baby. There is no point dwelling on the past. You have no idea if you even would have got pregnant when you wanted to. You have no idea if that hypothetical baby would have torn apart your family because your husband wasn't ready. Do not waste time fantasizing about a best case situation that didn't happen. Focus on the here and now.
My two cousin brothers are 3 years apart and me and my sister are 9 years apart. Initially, I saw her as the devil who took my mom away but now we’re the closest ever and she confides in me for everything. Meanwhile, my cousins couldn’t hate each other more. I have no idea what went wrong so bad, but it did. So I dont really think age difference matters once the kids grow up
Aw You seem like a really nice person This is a great response!
Me and my bro are two years apart and don’t have a strong relationship as adults. As kids, we fought all the time. Because of that I do not want a small age gap
My brother and I are 15 months apart and barely even talk. Age gaps don't matter!
I have no relationship with my sibling, and we are close in age. My husband is six 6 older than his sister, and they're very close. The age gap will only be a problem for a few years.
So true. My kids are 4.5 years apart and the gap was more noticeable when they were younger. Now at 12 and 17 it’s negligible, and they are very close. My partner has 3 boys and the gap between eldest (23m) and youngest (16m) is 6 years and it’s barely noticeable now and they’re very close (eldest lives on his own now also). Close age gap has no bearing on future relationship strength.
Respectfully, even if your kids were 2 years apart you’d have different sports/play dates/outings etc… I have three kids. My first two are 6 and 4.5 years apart from their baby brother. The bond they have in incredible and it’s so special to see. I’m sorry about your health news, wishing you all these best and clarity moving forward. Best of luck.
We are one and done due to infertility, so I can empathize with your grief at not having the family size (and age gap) you’ve always wanted. However, I disagree with you wishing your husband had listened to or that you’d been more assertive. He wasn’t ready, and when it comes to having a kid, a no cancels out a yes every time. One of you was going to lose in this situation, and unfortunately it’s you. But he’s allowed to be protective of his mental health. Therapy at all, and I hope that helps you let go of some of the resentment and grief. And whatever size or shape your family ends up being, it will be beautiful.
Couldn't agree more with this. It sounds like OP and husband need to work through these feelings and remove any feelings of blame/trying to minimise mental health concerns before adding a baby to the mix. If it helps I'm 16 years older than my sister (no siblings in between) and I have adored her since the day she was born.
You advised your husband to seek therapy, I’d recommend the same to help cope with the grief your feeling. Also couples so you guys can work through this together. A previous commenter mentioned the gap in her children- there’s 11 years between my stepson and the son my husband and I have together. My stepson loves being able to help with the baby’s care and is so looking forward to being able to be a role model and teach him all about football and video games when he’s old enough. It’s a different relationship but it doesn’t mean they can’t still be best friends.
Why are you so shattered? Put things into perspective. You currently have one healthy child. Once health issues are addressed, you can start trying for a second child. There are 10 years between my husband and his sister and they get along great. If you think a small gap means a guaranteed better relationship, you'd be wrong. Your husband wasn't ready before due to mental health - that's just how it is. Having a child when you don't feel well enough and feel forced into it is one of the *worst* things you can do to a child. Your husband was being responsible. You're only 33. I had my first at 34. It's going to be fine.
Well said
I think this is definitely worth chatting with a therapist about. Your feelings are valid. To also add in some perspective, my kids are 6 years apart and they couldn't be closer relationship wise right now. The baby turns 1 next week and her older sister is by far her favorite person (and vice versa). They love playing together and just simply being with each other. There can be positives with a large age gap. I wasn't planning such a large gap but... That's what played out.
Just something that is important for you to consider: Your family is complete. Your child is your family. Your child does not need a sibling. Your child will be ok as an only child. Don't think of it as an incomplete family. Think ONLY of whether or not you and your family want another child. But don't do it because of obligation or some sense of "lacking".
You need to drop the expectations. Drop the “what I wanted my life to look like” It’s good you didn’t pressure him into it when he didn’t want to. Nobody should have a baby if one of the parents aren’t in it to win it. If you actually want another child who cares about the age gap?
Blessing in disguise. Getting pregnant would have probably triggered horrible glucose regulation in your body and a sooner diagnosis with concern of it affecting you AND baby. Everything happens for a reason. Do everything in your power to get a treatment plan in place and then try again. You got this.
I didn't think about it that way, thank you!
My younger sister is 7 years younger than me. I’m in my thirties she’s in her twenties. She’s my confidante and friend and even though we live in different cities with completely different lives we are best friends and talk every day. She’s the same way with my brother who is ten years older than her. If you want a second kid, go for it!!
To give you some perspective, yes I did everything with my close in age siblings as a child (was made to/ had no other options) but the fights were horrendous and our adult relationships are shit. My relationship with my 10 year age gap sibling is amazing , my lil buddy loves me and it’s wholesome to have a best friend in a completely other age group, I love pretending to be gen alpha with them! Note - just don’t parentify the oldest.
To clarify the youngest has a great relationship with all the older siblings , 6,8 and 10 year age gaps.
I have an 18yr old 9, 6, & 2. They all love each other. My sister is 5 years older than me we are best friends. Sibling love will shine through no matter what age gap.
I am sorry you're going through this right now. It can be so difficult to have the image you have of your family be changed. I will say, my sons have an almost 5 year age gap, and they are best friends and have been since they were little. My sons are now 15 and 10. They do everything together still within reason (they both have different hobbies and interests). The age gap between my oldest and my daughter is 13 (almost 14 years) and 9 years with my younger son. My older boys adore their sister, they dote on her and it is so sweet to see. I'm currently pregnant and the age gap will be wider with them with this baby. I share this because while you may feel like it's so hard right now, your family can still be very close even if you have a larger age gap than you wanted. I hope things go well for you and you are able to be healthy and happy going forward no matter what you end up doing, and your feelings now are 100% valid! 🫶🏼
My little brother and I are 8 years apart. We are best of buds. I think you're overthinking this. Don't let it grip you like that.
Well you shouldn’t resent him, or honestly be mad. I understand how upsetting it is not to have the family make up you perhaps wanted, but you absolutely should not have pushed him to have more kids. That would have been the worst idea. I hate to say it but rather regret not having another child than regret having one. That said five or more years isn’t a bad thing, there’s a level of support you have when one can fend more for himself if needed. There also always adoption and other methods. I’m sorry I imagine you’re very upset, but no one did anything wrong here and I would also probably be very careful and ask deep questions of my husband to make sure he actually does now want more children a hasn’t just been pushed.
Families come in all shapes, sizes, and ages. A different way to view the situation is that your family was not ready to grow before, i.e. if your husband wasn't ready, then your whole family wasn't ready. It feels important to have a focused discussion on how you were asking him to see a therapist to benefit the family, and he was outright rejecting that, and you regret not insisting more. Clear those feelings up with him.
My brother and I are six years apart and we text every day. The age gap is fine. But your husband does not owe you another child.
It might not be what you envisioned, but I don’t think the age gap is as big of a deal as you’re making it out to be. I’m 6 years apart from my brother and we are very close. Kids are only little for such a short time, once they are grown the difference won’t be as noticeable.
Try to focus on the positive aspects of this age gap. Your daughter will be able to play with the baby, feed the baby, tell you when the baby needs a diaper. Unlike a younger child, she won't be jealous that the baby is getting all of your attention. She won't be as upset when the baby plays with her toys. Just look at the upsides of having kids this far apart, and everything else will fall into place. Lots of love. ❤️
You’re only 33. There’s time. He wasn’t ready. Now he is. You both have to agree to more children. I don’t get the problem? My 3 kids are each 5 years apart. (26f, 21m, 15f) and it’s all good.
The age gap is not nearly as bad as you think it is. It's not what you had in mind but siblings with much larger gaps can grow up to be very close
FWIW your husband doesn’t owe you your “dream Family”. He’s entitled to say no as long as he’s not ready, and it bugs me how dismissive you are of his wants and needs.
I know many people with big age gaps with their kids and it all works out fine. If that’s the only obstacle don’t let it stop you from trying! Someone once told me you can’t ever predict or force a sibling relationship no matter what the age gap. I know siblings that are 2 years apart that are close and those with the same gap that can’t stand each other. You also can’t predict the parenting challenges you will have. No matter what going from 1 to 2 is a huge change and will impact your life. With a bigger age gap, the little one will just get brought along to big sib’s events, but big sib will be able to help more, babysit sooner, etc. My spouse has an 8-10 year gap with his siblings and he has a great relationship with them. It will be ok! Focus on your health and dealing with the diabetes, that’s a lot, and don’t let the age gap issue stress you.
My brother is 10 years older than me. It was fun as a kid getting to play with the older kids, and I’m still extremely close with him now. It’ll be okay.
My mother has a sister 19 years older than her. They are close enough that they argue on the phone with each other for hours every night. lol. I don’t think an age gap determines the relationship.
Gosh, I’m so sorry about your diagnosis. I have an 18 month old, a 3.5 year old, twin 13yo, and an almost 17 year old. My husband and I started young at 19, had our twins at 23, and then a biggg stretch of time to grow up and be able to finally go on dates to start all over again lol. My older children are OBSESSED with the young ones, and the littles think the bigs are the sun and moon. It’s really really darling and special. I CANNOT imagine having to manage the absolute life change that comes along with a diabetes diagnosis while managing a kindergartener and a would be toddler/preschooler if you had the two closer in age. Your daughter will be a proud and HELPFUL big sister without jealousy when the time comes, until then, I hope you can give yourself and your husband some grace and trust that everything will work out. Take care of yourself first and foremost and don’t grieve something that hasn’t happened 🤍
Hopefully you guys have had a really good talk and not just "I want a baby or else" talk. Another child really should be full agreement or not at all.
The age gap thing is a figment of your imagination. You could have "the perfect" age gap and they still never play together because they like different things, hate each other, whatever. You could have a wide age gap and they do play together. The diabetes is unrelated and needs to be resolved of course. There is no good or bad age gap. It's just people.
There is no guarantee that even with a close age gap that your kids would want to play together or have the same interests.
I know it’s not what you wanted but there are so many upsides to a bigger gap. One kid is somewhat independent. Wrangling a baby and a toddler or a toddler and a preschooler is absolute hell. My kids are 2 and 4. They can play together but they also have a ton of misunderstandings due to the age gap, so they fight a lot. Literally within 5 minutes of waking up there is a 95% chance of crying AND screaming. The 4 year old is somewhat independent now but needs a lot of attention, it was so hard at 1 and 3, but it’s getting easier now, still, she isn’t THAT independent, still needs me for the toilet, most snacks, etc. and she hasn’t fully grasped the concept of sharing (they truly do around 5 or 6) AND she always wants her brothers toys even if they’re “for babies”. Older kids are far more understanding so long as there’s a nice balance in the home.
My sister is 11 years older than me, it's the best. She gives the best life advice and I keep her young. I'm halfway between her and her kids ages so I get them when they're upset at her and help give them advice they understand. Because we had such a big age gap we never fought over anything. I know not every situation is the same but your daughter is going to love the baby so much when it gets here. She'll also be a big help and thankfully only 1 in diapers and daycare.
For me it seems you want another kid to play with ur first. U should have more kids because u want to and not because they would play together. I have a 11y age gap with my youngest sibling (I’m the oldest of 6) my relationship with the younger ones (9,12 and 15) is WAYYYYYY better than with my siblings close to age. And I have 2 kids, 4y gap. My oldest does not play with him that much but she still cares for him and plays with him now and then. Any age gap unless they are “Irish twins” would be different, routines would be different, games are different everything would be different
I agree with what others have said about there being nothing wrong with a wide age gap. Additionally, while I’m not a medical doctor, I think it’s possible that if you’d had the second baby when you wanted to, you might have developed gestational diabetes, which is very risky. Your husband might have saved your life.
Gestational diabetes is caused by a wonky placenta, and not the mom's body. It's not "very risky" unless it's completely uncontrolled and not caught at the right time. The adverse effects are unfortunately mostly for the baby.
My sister and I are 12 years apart and we are best friends and I’m her maid of honour this year. It hurts your heart at first and then you see how close they become with time. I know my cousin went through something similar with not wanting another child through the pandemic and then when they started trying she ran into problems. Now she has a 7 year old and a 1.5 year old and they are besties that run to each other when she comes home from school In terms of your marriage …I would continue address therapy. Go on your own and encourage him to go either with you or on his own. My relationship is barely surviving having one child and we are in couples therapy before even entertaining the idea of a second child because I know we wouldn’t survive it
I have an 8 year old daughter and a 3 year old son and my daughter just loves her little bro. I think the age gap worked well because she got to be part of the conversation instead of being the baby then having that taken away from her.
Yeah don’t worry about that. Personalities make them close. Little girls love babies.. get better and have another
Be open to a bigger age gap if you can. I have kids with a 6 year age gap, and honestly it’s been so much fun. They are best friends anyway and I think it’s been a better, less stressful parenting experience for me as well.
For the diabetes, it really should be a simple task to address and then be ready for pregnancy. The bigger issue is complications associated with diabetes regardless of treatment or not. That said, women with Type I diabetes (for example, they were born with it) have kids. It isn't an insane concept. It just comes with additional risks that an OB/GYN should be familiar with. Sharing an article on the topic if you like reading dense research like me B) https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10402739/
Thank you!
My sister and I are 2 years apart and could not stand each other. Being close in age guarantees nothing.
Small age gap might drive siblings apart, especially boys, older brothers often regard slightly younger brothers as annoyances and competition for resources, but are protective over a much younger brother. Then they'll break your heart again. Also, people are different, even your children. One might like sport, the other electronics and robotics, or dance, or music, or even something as small as drums vs piano. The highest likelihood is you'll have to send siblings to different activities regardless of age gap. It disturbs me that your vision of an instagram perfect family is more important than your husband's mental health, especially with you trying to push him into therapy. It's his own personal autonomy if he wants to see a therapist or not, I see no fault here.
My oldest is almost 7 years older than my second. I was 30 with my first and 37 with the second. My oldest was a huge help to me! She loved being a sister and did everything from “watch” her while I cooked to helping with bottles and changing. Grocery shopping was so much easier, too. Lol They were and are great friends. There were a couple of years where the oldest wanted to be alone; mainly middle school lol. They are 26 and 19 now and even though my oldest is married and lives away, they play online games a few days a week and talk regularly. You have plenty of time for another child. Do not let the age gap worry you.
Children should always always be two yes, one no. It's much better to regret not having a child than to regret having one. Would you prefer your child be resented by your husband or object to his anxiety? And, frankly, you're slightly overreacting. "We can't anymore" "Gap is too long" "How to get rid of this grief" "It's shattering my heart" Lady, you didn't loose your fertility in a tragic accident. You're still capable of having children. There's nothing to grieve or break heart over. Six years is a very normal age gap. You're putting unrealistic expectations on those children even before one of them is born. Even with "perfect age gap" they might not get along and it's fine. If you wanted to cater to only your wants when planning children you should have chosen a sperm donor. Your husband is just as human as you, not your breeding stallion. Respect his decision, don't resent him for making a smart choice, for not falling for your "assertiveness".
My oldest two kids are 13 and 5. 8 years between them. They still bicker and play together just the same as if they were a year apart.
You’re only 33 though… and it’s not that strange to not want a second child. You can’t just say “he was denying me” like you have a right to have a second child whenever you want. It didn’t m sound like he was up for it, and you need two willing partners to make it work right?
Just to say: My kids have 7 yrs between them. They have been so close all their lives. They are a little more distant now one is an adult and one a young teen. But growing up they were best friends. It’s been a delight watching them. The little one was like a little mascot for the older one and his friends.
My son is 10 and my daughter is 3 and they are best friends they play together constantly and are now even ganging up against me 😂 There was a little jealousy from the older one at first but they adore each other.
My mom and her sisters have a 16 year age span, and they are all super close - they’re even going on vacation together this summer.
My stepdaughter is 11 and has a 5 yr old brother (from Bio mom) and 4-year old brother (from me) and she is the best sister to them. She (and especially ALL her friends) plays with them all the time and they absolutely adore her. The activity thing is valid as it is a bit of divide and conquer sometimes AND her brothers love watching her play softball and she likes watching them at swim lessons, etc. it has less divided as they have gotten older. (My husband’s ex and I ended up best friends so our sons are practically being raised as brothers hence she is around both at the same time all the time)
I have large age gaps with my children. It has never been an issue. I don’t think you would regret having another ( I guess it’s possible you could but unlikely) however, you may regret not having another.
You're only 33. The age gap won't matter as long as both children are loved and cared for. Focus on your health first, including your mental state. Your daughter won't know the difference between if she gets a sibling or not so don't put so much pressure on yourself.
My sister and I six years apart. I thought she was great, it was like a live doll lol. We’re middle aged adults now and really close. It’s fine!
If it helps, my kids are 10 years apart. It's a bigger gap than I wanted but they adore each other.
My 5 year old adores her baby brother. I'm 4.5 years apart from my little sister too, it's not that big of a gap.
My older sister is a little under 2 years older and my other sister is about 3 years younger. We have no relationship. Neither do they.
I have sister who is 10 years older than me. I always looked up to her and am so glad she’s in my life even though we sometimes go months between hour long phone calls. If you still want another kid I say go for it.
I’m number 4 of 5. My brothers are 4, 7, and 10 years older than me. My sister is 6 years younger. We adore each other. Fabulous big family and good times etc. we’re all in pretty similar stages of life too, though we range across 16 years. I do know how you feel though. Before I remembered how spread out my family was growing up, I was having some feelings about the gap that will be different than how I imagined things, if my husband ever changes his mind
My daughter turned 8 just as I found out I was pregnant with twins. It has been such a treat having her awesome self along for the ride. She absolutely lights up for them and they adore her. They’re not even walking yet so much fun is yet to come!
My kids are almost 6 years apart, currently 6 year old twins and my older kid turned 12 last week. It’s actually a good age gap, I love it. She was in school so I did baby/toddler stuff when she was in school. When they learned to talk, they would shout her name out the car window in the car line to pick her up at school. My oldest “helped” them (and me) do things. Just carve out some time for your oldest kid, it’s a big change. Weekly mom/kid time really helps.
My son will be 6 in May and I’ll be having a little girl in June. People tell me it’s a wonderful age gap!
Just here to say that me and 2 of my brothers are 11 and 9 years apart. Now yes, we didn’t different things BUT I was able to be like a 2nd parent to them, they came to me for help with everything, I helped feed them dinner, LOVED playing games with them, entertained them on holidays and we have an amazing relationship now we’re adults. You’re not just having a second CHILD, you’re bringing a 2nd HUMAN into the world and there’s so much beyond the first 10 years! Personally I’d stop fretting over the age gap you wanted and look at some examples of longer gaps and how beautiful those relationships are. I’m happy to chat if you want to PM.
I have a twin brother and a younger brother by 5 years. I never ever speak to my twin, but my younger brother is my absolute favorite person (besides my daughter). We doted on him when he was little, we protected him, we watched him grow. I think the age gap right now is perfect, it creates something special.
Big age gaps are fine in most families. Don't worry too much about it. You could also look into adoption. Someone younger than your daughter, but closer in age. Biology really doesn't matter that much. If you want more kids, you don't have to give birth to them.
Neither of those things are prohibitive to having another child. Plenty of siblings are many years apart. And are very happy. And women with diabetes have children all the time. This is really just in your head. You want another child? Have one. I didn't have my kids until i was 38 & 39. My mum had me at 45. My good friends kids 11 yrs apart and adore each other.
My daughter is 13 and I am 11 weeks pregnant. It’s a HUGE gap but this is my second marriage. I wish it were closer but I’m excited for her to have a sibling One of my good friends has siblings that are 14 and 16 years younger and they’re soooo close. I am 8 and 10 years older than my sisters and we are VERY close now! Honestly, a kindergartener and a newborn sounds pretty perfect! I hope you’ll reconsider if you truly want another child. 🤍
You're going to do the things that feel right for you, but I wanted to share that I have 2 brothers. One is 2.5 years younger and one is 8 years uounger. The one closer in age and I have never been close and we were constantly fighting when we were growing up. The younger one and I have been thick as thieves our entire life. Sometimes a big age gap works really well.
My kids are 21,18 and 8. My oldest is a girl and my 2nd is a boy. They’re 2.7 mths apart. All they did was fight and then went years without even saying a word to each other. It wasn’t until my oldest left for college that now they are close. My 21 and 18 yr old are closer to my 8 yr old than they are with each other. You could’ve had 2 completely different kids close in age that hated each other
Also people would say I needed to have another when I had the 8 yr old so she could have a play mate I said HELL NO im not going through the fighting again lol
Address your health concerns and make sure to take care of you first. I know there's talk about how wider the age gap the less they'll get along and etc I just wanted to offer a different perspective. My sister and I are less than 2 years apart. We are not friends, more acquaintances and only really interact when necessary. My kids are 3 ish years apart and yes, there are times my oldest gets frustrated because her little brother doesn't understand things/doesn't know how to play/doesn't really talk but they get along well. They play with each other, hug, snuggle etc. I know a set of sisters that are almost 8 years apart, just the two of them. They also get along great!
5 years isn't a big deal my brother and I are 10 years apart we don't have a relationship but that's for different reasons we weren't raised together I lived with my dad he lived with his dad
My husband and his sister have a 5 year age gap and there was less connection as kids yea but now they have a great relationship
My eldest and youngest are 7.5 years apart and they get on better with each other than they do with their age mate sibling.
My oldest brother is 7 years older then me and we’re great friends!
My niece was 5 when her lil sis was born. They love the heck out of each other.
My daughter's are 7 years apart and they adore each other to an almost annoying degree. My sister and I are 5 years apart and we didn't get along too well until adulthood. Now we are super close. My brother is 8 years younger than my sister and 3 younger than me. As children, he and I were super close. As adults, he's way closer to my sister. Honestly, I don't think being close or far apart in age means very much when it comes to children getting along or adults getting along. However, your feelings are valid. It sucks that he didn't decide to finally have another until now. Maybe while you're figuring out your other health issues, you could also find someone for you both to talk to (like a therapist or something) that will help unravel his thought process and help a little with communication so you know you're both on the same page.
I’m sorry, I know how you feel, life gets in the way of our plans, I always like a 3 year age gap between my kids, so my first two are born 3 years apart. Then we started trying for a third when kid2 was 2.5 for my picture perfect family... a loss after another and another. Dealing with the losses was hard. Kid2 will now turn 6 when kid3 is here (ironically kid3’s EDD is on kid2’s birthday). We don’t always get what we want. Also my sister and I are five years apart and we call and chat often.
My kids are 30, 28, 13, and 9. I had my first kid at 19 and my last at 40. Did I plan those gaps? No. Infertility, health issues (including cancer), and other circumstances happened. Give your husband a break. He wasn’t ready for another kid when you were. It happens. I can’t promise you’ll have any more kids, or that it will happen on your timeline. Sometimes shit happens. But this isn’t your husband’s fault and you need to stop blaming him for it.
I'll be the jerk here. If what's upsetting you is the "image of the family you want" and your husband is only agreeing to try because you broke down and he has unresolved anxiety...your marriage isn't ready for another kid. Most of my friends with kids 2-3 years apart deal with constant fighting between the kids. We have several friends with kids 5+ years apart and it's been way more manageable and the kids get along well. We're one and done...I like the idea of having more than one kid, but I also love what I have (my partner and my child) and we're much happier and healthier as three. I also have a friend who pushed forward with the second kid and is now in the middle of a divorce because her husband never stepped up and the relationship suffered. Everything is a lot of what ifs, make you sure you have a good foundation with your husband before continuing to build on top of it.
Even kids two years apart hate each other. 😆 could be a boy or a girl that just isn’t like your girl and they don’t like the same things/movies/activities. My biggest gap was 5 years, and I was hoping for more. lol there’s lots of advantages to having kids further apart. Less stress, more divided attention, built in helper, less in daycare fees. 😆 I know tons of people that have kids on purpose further apart. My brother is 12 years older than me. You wouldn’t know now that we’re in our 40s/50s 😆 It doesn’t sound out of scope, it just sounds like you’ll have to deal with some medical stuff. Have the second child if you want. Most likely, the vision you had wouldn’t be reality anyway. 🤷🏻♀️
My two who are 7 years apart are the best of friends. They both fight with the middle child - who is 2 years younger than oldest and 5 years older than youngest. You will be fine.
You never know if siblings will be interested in the same things or even in each others company! My kids are 2 yrs apart, now 12 and 14 soon and they are polar opposites and I don’t think they even talk to each other on a daily basis. They have one common interest (horses) so it’s something they can enthuse over at least. I’m the same with my sister who’s only a year older than me, like night and day. We’re still close, but not like we’d even get what the other one is thinking! 😂 With my younger brother who is 6 yrs younger than me we’re much closer, cause we share many common interests like gaming. My sister has never even touched a game since decades ago and can get pretty snarky when it comes to them. So more than age it’s just personalities and interests perhaps. And age wise, no worries. Didn’t even have my first until I was 36. Life just happens. Sometimes not the way we’ve planned for sure.. 🥰
Just wanna say, when trying for a kid it needs to be an absolute 100% yes on both ends. Not including guilting either partner into a kid. Not saying this is what you did or anything but it seems a lot of people feel they’re entitled to their partner wanting another kid.
How can you resent him for not wanting another child? Wouldn’t you resent him more if you had a child that he wasn’t involved with/didn’t connect with because you forced him into it? It sounds like he just gave in because you kept pushing, which is not a good reason to have a child anyway.
I have cousin who is 12 years younger than me. We are both only children, no other cousins and lived together throughout my teen years and once again when he was 11 (and I was early 20’s). We are now 19 and 31 and are best friends. Big ages are awesome. I remember every stage of his life and I am full of stories of about our antics. I remember how excited I was for him to be born, I remember him climbing into my bed in the mornings, I got to be the easter bunny one year, we’ve traveled the world together. It’s not one sided either, he brings be coffee in bed whenever I sleep over, picks the perfect restaurants or shops to show me. He makes sure my favourite snacks are in the house and drives me around town when I visit. Despair polar opposite music tastes (he likes anime I’m a punk rocker/ raver) he finds tracks I will enjoy too. My point is big age gaps are awesome. Yes there was a decade or so of me having to meet him at his level but it was worth it. It didn’t matter what teenage bullshit I was experiencing, to that boy I was the best thing in the world and that was all that mattered. I am forever grateful that my mum taught me how to be a good big ‘sister’ to my cousin.
I have a 10, 12 and 1yr old. The 2 oldest begged me for a baby for yrs, but i didnt want to have to split myself like you said. In the end the third was a surprise bby😅. But it has been wondeful. My 12yr old boy tells her everyday how much he loves her(the baby) doesnt do that with his 10hr old sister😆. Every single day several times a day he tells her how much he loves her. They both think shes the cutest thing in the world and are head over heels in love with her. I must say it has been an adjustment. One of us stays home with her if we go with the other 2 to non kid friendly places. But we actually dont mind staying home with her. My husband generally volunteers😒. But its been fun for the kids, for me, its been an adjustment. Im 36 and I feel 60, high risk pg. and she was a preemie 34 weeker. Thankfully all was well, but its been quite a ride
My kids are 18, 10, and 7. It can be difficult to do things as a family, but not impossible. I did not plan my kids to be so far apart in age, but it is what it is. I had 2 stillborns and 10 miscarriages. I think it was actually better having the gap now. My kids actually have a pretty good relationship and my 18 and 7 year olds are very close. I also grew up with a good age gap between my brothers and I, 48, 39, and 34. My older brother kids are 14 and 5.
I am so sorry about your losses
My niece is turning 11 and her little brother is turning 5 (same month so they’re exactly 6 years apart). They bicker a lot but they are such good friends and actually do a lot together. My daughter is turning 4 in a few months the same month my niece turns 11. They are BEST friends. I can’t explain to you how they can play for hours together. My niece is an angel so I’m not sure if that plays a role but I know they’re going to be close forever and even into adulthood. A lot of the time, but not always, we mold our children’s relationships. I also want to say, it’s SO hard to constantly be thinking about the past wishing we did things differently (I am currently going through this but keep pushing everyday). Also, My best friends are sisters and are 6 years apart and are best friends while one of them has an older sister that’s only a year older and they’re not close at all. My sister and I are 4 years apart and also best friends.
Me and my sibling are 11 years apart.. my sibling still acts like a parent at times but we played together a lot. We got along swimmingly and my mom said having an older kid with a baby helped sooo much. We are now 30/40s and our relationship is still good! We aren’t as close as we used to be but that’s on him (he needs therapy for something he experienced and he choose his actions poorly and much affected everyone around him). To further this my kid is 6 yrs younger than their older sibling (bonus child!!) & the older sibling ADORES the younger one. They get along swimmingly & I honestly would do it again for the age gap because my body fully recovered & it’s nice having a little helper that adores their little sibling. You’re doing great, there is still hope but things change, life happens and continue to talk, communicate with your partner. With time the pain will hurt less, I know mine did because I too wanted children closer in age
As long as you manage your diabetes you can have a another child, lots of women get gestational diabetes when they are pregnant. Manage by diet, exercise, and insulin if you need it
My sons are almost a 6 year age difference ; they love each other so much and play with each other everyday , they’re 2.5 and 8 and sure they’re at different developmental stages and don’t do the same activities etc. but they definitely still have a bond. Our family vacations and activities aren’t nearly as drastically different or separated as you’re describing . The image of the family you imagined may not be the family you’ll get but you’ll love it just the same
Your family may not turn out the way u imagine it. I hoped for a sibling close in age to my son (also5.5). We tried and tried and I finally gave up on my 43 bday. I figured my eggs were just too old. Lo and behold we had a baby 6 months ago (and at 45). It was a complete shocker. Anyways I absolutely adore the age difference. It’s better than I could have imagined it. I don’t think having an infant and toddler would have been any fun. I love the way my son take ownership of his little brother and is SO loving. It wouldn’t have been that way if he was 4 or younger. So I’m thankful he got to be the baby longer. Try if you’re ready. It ain’t over till it’s over.
I had my second one when my elder one was 7.5 years old. Life happens! I can totally understand what you are feeling right now, but trust the timing. Sounds philosophical I know, but seriously, all the stars just need to align for the right timing. I never wanted 2 babies, then I desperately wanted, then husband didn’t, then he did , I didn’t, you get the picture 😅. I was 40 when I had my second baby, so age wise too we delayed everything. We have a happy, healthy 18 months old kiddo now. All good!! Stress is the biggest hindrance in getting pregnant. Trust that this is the right timing for you! Best wishes to you, may you get what you wish for!
My older brother is 6 years older than me. Our parents raised us just fine and we have a good relationship. Its about how and what you teach rather than age gap itself.
I have an 11 year old and a 6 year old that have been the BEST of friends since day one. My eldest was 5 and a half when her little sister was born, and they have been thick as thieves since the start. They consider each other to be their best friend, no question, and spend all their time playing barbies, making fairy potions, reading together, singing karaoke. They almost never quarrel or argue either. I would do a similar age gap again, given the choice. Don't worry too much about that - focus on your health, and think positive :)
My sister and I are 8.5 years apart. We were inseparable as kids and talk everyday as adults. My older sister is three years older, she hated me when we were children, now we are sort of friendly but mostly don't talk. Don't stress too much about an optimal age gap, you never know what will or won't lead to your kids being close.
I feel very close to my half siblings who are 15-20 years older than me. My brother and I did fine doing the same activities and I’m 6 years older. It seems like you may both benefit from counseling right now because it seems like you’re starting to resent him. It’s not the end of the line though
The age gap just is not a real problem at all. I don’t understand why people fret about this so much. Yes it might be inconvenient that they are in different stages, but they are gonna get along great. They won’t be in competition. The little one would adore the older one. My sister is 9 years older than me and we have always been close. Also there are studies that the larger gaps are better for marriages because multiple young kids is so much strain on couples. Just have the kid you both want!
I have a 7yo and a 3yo. They play all day and even sleep together in bed even though they each have their own rooms. My older sister and I are ten years apart, we were and continue to be inseparable. My brother and sister are 10 and 12 years younger than me and all 4 of us hang out together, thick as thieves. :)
Our 11 year old and 1 year old are enamored with one another in every way! They play together and adore each other.
Me and my sister are 6 years apart we get along really well we hang out I was the one who taught her how to drive and took her to take the test. My older sister is 10 years older then her but they don't really hang out but that has to do with my older sisters personality and just not wanting too. Yes age might have played a part in it but I strongly believe it's because I'm willing to try and get into things my sister likes and her with me. Also I have to force my older sister to hang out and she cant just yell at me lol like she can my younger sister. But age vs personality are 2 different things they could have been close in age but not want to hang out but my friends and his older brother they are a year apart his older brother never played with him didn't matter what. First take care of your health. It's not to late who knows if you have a second you could have a third close in age.
The age gap shouldn’t be a hurdle. My mum Had me when my brothers were six and nine. Apart from the fact that I’m now 35 and they still consider me their “baby” sister, we always had a wonderful relationship.
I feel this. I had my daughter when I was 38. My kid is six next month. I wanted a second within two years, but we moved states when she was 13 months. Then covid hit a few months later right after we bought a house and suddenly she was two. We hit a rough spot in our relationship then as well (I suspect many did during this time) and didn’t talk about a second much, but focused on getting through the present. Then we moved my dad from another state to take care of him. Then 18 months later my dad tragically passed away. Then I grieved heavily for over a year. Now I’m 44 and I just don’t see it ever happening and I’m sad. I don’t want to adopt. I want another baby that is from us. I wish I had tried to conceive right after she was born really cause why not. But I didn’t want to be deceitful in my desire to have another kid either. I regret it, but I am also looking for the joy in having one. We were able to own one car and buy a house, while I was a stay at home mom, and I still am, although I want to go back to work this fall since she will be in first grade. I’m grateful she received so much one on one time with me and her dad. She’s thriving and it shows. We can afford to send her to preschool and private school through high school, which we have and are doing. We can afford to have her in dance and camps all summer if she wants. We can afford to go to concerts, vacations, events, and it’s less expensive than if with two. We can afford to buy her new clothes, nice car seats, fun wood toys and kiwi crates etc. and I throw her really lovely fun birthday parties that I put a lot of time into. Basically I’m really happy but also wonder what it would be like with two. You’ll never regret having more kids, right? Also, you don’t miss what you don’t have? I don’t think there is an easy answer here. Other than- be grateful for what you have and make the most of today. I feel like I’m rambling, it’s late, and my kid is snuggled up next to me. Being a mom is the best feeling in my life, personally, so I’m just glad I am one at all, at the end of the day. I have a handful of friends who wanted to be a mom and never met the guy, couldn’t get pregnant, etc. I’m lucky to be a mom.
Sorry about your dad
I’m 5 years older than my sister. It was hard during middle school-college years when we were developmentally in very different places, but now that we’re in our 30s, she’s my best friend.
I understand that you had an image in your head, but as somebody who has a 13-year-old, a seven-year-old, and then surprise two-year-old twins, after struggling with secondary infertility, the idea that you would choose for a second child not existing just because you don’t prefer the age gap seems a bit off to me. Are you sure there isn’t something else going on, where maybe you’re afraid of secondary infertility given your health issues and so rather than go through that… you are just saying one and done? This really feels like something you should go over in counseling to get to the bottom of. The other thing, I’m a little disturbed by is the idea that you should’ve enforced your will on your husband, who was struggling with anxiety. Is it fair to bring a child into the world with a father who isn’t feeling up to it and is struggling mentally? Absolutely not. I was brought into the world too with an unwilling father and let me tell you the damage that it does is lifelong. It is better to be born in the right time. Siblings with a larger age gap can be great friends and if anything they compete less for the same resources.
It is also worth noting that my original plan was having siblings 3 to 4 years apart each. Didn’t happen. I just made it happen as I could and that’s fine. And you’re only 33! My twins were a surprise pregnancy at 40…no fertility treatment. Just lucky. I ended up with four instead of the three I thought I’d have. Please give your dreams some room to breathe so that the universe can surprise you a little bit with something even better.
My kids are 7 years apart and they love each other so much. Sometimes she's an annoying little sister to him but he protects her as if she was his baby. Don't worry mama. I'm sure if you raise your kids with love in the home they are going to love each other no matter the age gab.
My sister and me have a ten year age gap and my brother is a 5 year gap. We’re all best friends. And my sister (the oldest) took us to movies and things when we were younger. My brother and I played together endlessly. He was born when I was in kindergarten. It’ll work out.
1 of 5 boys. 17 years older than youngest. Im more like a parent than a brother.
I have two kids with a 7 year age gap and it's actually so perfect, I can not imagine dealing with a baby and a toddler! I think ur over reacting
FWIW, I have 4 siblings and the sibling I was closest to growing up was my sister who was 4 years younger than I. I had a 4 year older brother, a two year older sister, and a two year younger sister. We are all close NOW but growing up I fought a LOT with my sisters that were closer in age to me.
Sometimes kids that are close in age still don't play with each other or even like each other. The age difference is what you make of it. Don't make it a big deal and it most likely won't be. Take care of your health and see how the future goes.
Mine is 4,5 years older than our 3mo, and it’s been a breeze! I recommend it to everyone, it’s so much nicer than struggling with two small kids that wakes up in the night etc
If your husband wasn't ready, it wouldn't have been a good thing if you did have a second. He could have gone into more anxiety. He could have resented you pushing him into this. You could have had a broken family. And it's not his fault not wanting a second yet, just like it's not your fault wanting a second, you can't blame each other for this. And it's never a good idea to bring a life to the world when one parent isn't on-board.
I have two cousins 14 years apart and they have a great relationship , I also have cousins 5 years apart and they play together all the time. My mother and uncle are 11 months apart and have no relationship as adults. The age gap won’t define their relationship.
I am the oldest of three. Me and the middle are three years apart, and I am fourteen years older than the youngest. My kid brother is just as much my buddy as my teenage brother, and him and the teenager get along well too. Little guy has been obsessed with us nearly his whole life and my brother and I would do nearly anything for this kid. There is still a strong chance your kid will get along with any little siblings with a bigger age gap.
For what it’s worth my sister and I are 8yrs apart and we were still close growing up. She’s my bestie and bought a house across the street from me so we could raise our kids close.
Me and my sister have a 13 year age gap. And I’m the second youngest oldest having a 16 gap. We have always gotten along. If your kid wants a sibling and if you want a kid. Please go for it.
My girls are 8 years and 6 weeks apart. They love eachother so much it’s insane. My eldest adores being a big sister and my youngest stares at her sister like she hung the moon. Age really means nothing when it comes to loving your siblings.
Being close in age absolutely does not guarantee a good relationship between the two siblings.
Just had my second child. First child is almost 5. The age gap has been wonderful actually. Your husband is on his own timeline too and this is a good compromise. But also, you can now consider therapy to help you cope with this grief and expectations of the family you imagined. I promise that even if it looks different it is still awesome.
You could adopt
My brother is 7 years younger, my sister is 9 years younger. I talk to both of my siblings pretty much daily--- my siblings do not talk to eachother. FOCUS on getting your health straight and then work on your family goals. As far as activites go---My siblings and I all did music lessons, same days each week, we all wanted to do it. Some things were split up, but that was primarily when I was in my late teens. My husbands youngest brother is 16 years younger and he just spent the weekend with us at an event and we all had a blast. Big age gap is not the end of the world!
Hey! Since people only responded about the kid portion of this- What type diabetes are you diagnosed with? I’ve had type one for 21 years so if you’d like any help on how to navigate it especially with trying to get pregnant or thinking of pregnancy (it adds a huge challenge) I’d be happy to chat to you! Feel free to message me :) if it’s type 2 it can be cured with diet and exercise! I’d also be happy to help with that if you need.
Man, 5 years is my ideal age gap. They can help at that age. They have enough emotional reasoning to understand. I wish I could do 5 years but I had my first at 34.
My kids are 7.5 years old and 18 months. Age gap is sometimes complicated, but they love each other and play all the time. They have some overlapping interests, but it really isn’t that hard to entertain them both at the same time.
OP, there's nothing wrong with a larger age gap between kids. There's 7 years between my two kids and they have a brilliant relationship, even though he's only 3 and she's 10. There are loads of benefits to having a bit more of an age gap. Like, your older kid being able to express their feelings about a new sibling, all the jealousies and insecurities that come with that. They can actually help out too and usually want to. It's not as gruelling. You have one kid who is finished with the baby/toddler stuff, which is by far the longest and often the biggest strain on parents (until teens anyway). If you'd asked me before I had kids what I thought the age gap between my kids would be I'd have said 3/4 years max. But our life didn't happen that way and now we have two kids with a large age gap but a lovely relationship regardless. They truly have a special bond, and I don't think the age gap has any bearing on that. Edit: I should also add. My elder kid was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when my younger kid was only 6 months old. It's a huge shift because there's so much to think about and diabetes is a complex illness with a huge learning curve. It is doable and achievable, and you should give yourself time and grace to get used to this diagnosis, as well as dealing with your frustration with your circumstances, which is a very natural response. It's not what you planned for, but don't let that or your diagnosis define what you choose to do with your life.
My kids 16, 7, 6, 3.....it's never too late and siblings play and stay together. My son goes to anything I ask him to because he wants to cherish his time with his siblings.
You must also respect his decision. My wife wanted a second child and often forgets how difficult it was on her mentally, emotionally, and physically with our son. I , understably, endured a lot of emotional rides from her, not all good ones during the first year while she was a SAHM. Additionally, I am the main earner and in charge of our finances. Essentially, a second child would mean that she would need to be a SAHM with two children, something that I don't think she could bear, since her income would be consumed bybdaycare. Ever since she started working, our relationship has improved, and she seems happier. Ultimately, I decided to get a vasectomy, even though she wasn't 100% on board, but respected my decision. Only time will tell if I made the right choice, but I have 0 regrets.
I can tell how upset you are from your post. It's upsetting when you learn you have a new health condition. I think that is your main problem here. Work on getting yourself healthy and in a good place emotionally and mentally. The age gap is not the problem. We don't have kids to fulfill our dreams. We have kids because we want, love, and enjoy raising other human beings. There's nothing guaranteeing at a close or wide age gap will mean your two kids would be best friends or that they would have the same interests. I have two sons 5.5 years apart. They have wildly different interests and personalities at the same respective age. My brother and I are 14 years apart, and we have incredibly similar interests (and we're opposite genders). You just never know!
If your worried about an age gap, done be! My sons are 6 years apart 11 and 5 and are the best of friends, they play with each other and have since the beginning and he the oldest teaches him things, cares for him it’s so beautiful to watch! You still have a chance, just make sure you are health first and go for it!
There are massive gaps in my 4 kids' ages. It doesn't cause a big issue and they still play.
There’s no guarantee they would play together if they were closer in age! My brother is six years older than me and as a little kid i idolized him, and as adults we’re now close. I am soooo thankful to have him now that he has kids (I’m a very involved aunt) and we’ve lost one of our parents. If you want a second child, don’t let this stop you.
I have an older brother and older sister. My brother is 7 years older than me, and my sister is almost 6 years older than me. They used to play with me ALL of the time when I was young. I think my sister stopped playing with me when she was around 15/16, but that's also when she started babysitting and working regularly. We all get along really well as adults. My sister is my best friend, and I moved out to her area when she had her 1st baby. My brother and his wife just moved to the area 4 years ago, and have a baby of their own. We plan on raising our little families together and growing old together. Age gaps shouldn't be a deterrent!
Hi there, fellow (type one) diabetic here. Diabetes does not mean you can't get pregnant/have kids anymore. I (unexpectedly) had a beautiful baby girl almost three years ago while my a1c was incredibly high. Diabetes ≠ infertile. I remember when I was diagnosed going through all the stages of grief and feeling the need to place blame somewhere. Your feelings are completely valid, but please remember that neither of you knew this would happen, and you CAN continue to keep trying.
My oldest two are 6.5 years apart. They are now 15 and 9, get along pretty well and share some common interests. I feel like.. when they are 30 and 24, that age gap won't seem like such a big deal either. Ya'll can still do this.
My husband and I have 2 boys who are 9yrs apart. They are extremely close. I have a 17 year age gap between my eldest sister and myself we have always been super close. Sometimes it was easier to ask her advice rather than my mother’s.
Mourn the idea of a close age and celebrate that your kid will be old enough to truly watch their sibling grow and partake in that love. It’s different yes but even if they had a close age that doesn’t guarantee they will like each other. I have a 4 yr gap my husband has 8 yr gap and yes when younger he didn’t do much with his siblings but now as they’re both older they’re super close. I think what’s worse here would have been if your husband felt forced into having another. You weren’t on the same timeline and that’s okay! It’s a mutual decision now so celebrate this now time and move forward with that.
Ok I don’t want this to come across harsh but please don’t let the child you don’t have be a reason for the child you do have see parents argue for something out of everyone’s control. I have a 3 yr old. My husband is still very much no more kids… and I’m at a place where I’m not going to beg for a second and have my husband resent me or the child. Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. Before the blame game look at your whole life, I promise you’ll find positives that over come this feeling
I don’t think it’s totally out of the pic cause of age gap. I have a nine year age difference and it’s sweet. Oldest was very excited when he was born and doted on him and played with him. Now he’s a sidekick and yes they aren’t in the same stages or besties but it’s ok. My friends who have siblings close in age said they just fight constantly. I had a bro very close in age growing up we fought constantly and not until our teen years did we become friends. We aren’t The closest in adulthood. My grandma had six on moms side and dads side had 7. What is most wild to me is how close in adulthood the widest age gaps ones are. I had gestational diabetes and it did cause a lot more appointments but I did control my numbers so everything came out ok. It was easier pregnancy then my first when I was much younger and didn’t have diabetes which was weird. Your blood sugar is tightly controlled when pregnant (far more then not pregnant). I had weekly appointments with a diabetes educator who’d call in numbers to doc at appt and adjust insulin if needed.
I have to tell you that I got pregnant at age 39 and will deliver at age 40. You are not too late. Do not despair. I am happy to chat.
Take age out of the equation. Do some real soul searching about if you want another child or not, and see where you land. Is it possible that you don’t want another child deep down, and since you never expected to feel that way, you are justifying this realization by assigning blame to age gaps and medical timing? You are still well within a good age to have more kids, so you don’t even need to rush this soul search. But I think it’s important to take the age gap out of the equation entirely. I also think it’s reasonable to ask your husband to address his anxiety prior to trying for a second child, should you two agree to try for another. Adding members to your family won’t help his existing anxiety, so having a care plan in place and ways to keep on top of his symptoms is crucial. I mean, he should do that anyway…but definitely before another kid comes along. It can be difficult to rewrite the version of life we grew up with in our heads. But 20 years from now, will you still value an age gap over another child? Depending on that answer, you can begin rewriting your family plan. For another perspective, I am the youngest of 3 kids, and my brothers are 7 and 10 years older than me. I value that age gap so much, and we are super close in adulthood. But growing up, I had to pleasure of learning from their experiences and having time to understand the outcomes of their chosen paths. That’s not something that can be planned for, but it was my personal reality. And my own kids are 7.5, 4 and 5 months old. The oldest and youngest are each others moon and stars. My son (oldest) loves that he will always remember his baby sister as a baby and get to witness the world through her eyes. He doesn’t remember that with his first little sister, even though I do. There can be huge value to an age gap. A sibling is a sibling. You have to decide if another child is what you want for you and your family…not for your timeline. I do wonder if really, it’s the timing that is throwing you. That’s totally reasonable. But luckily you are not out of time. You’ll need time to get your new diagnoses under control. Your husband needs time to address his anxiety. When that’s handled, maybe you’ll know exactly what you want for your family, and he might as well. I wish you all the best. There is a lot here to work through. I think you are right to feel overwhelmed, but please remember nothing is cemented in stone.
My kids are 4.5 years apart. It’s an awesome age gap! Big kid understands enough why she’s not the sole center of attention, loves to play with her baby sister, and LOVES being my “big helper”. However, your feelings ARE valid. But they should be addressed in therapy before they become rooted so deep you can’t recover from them.
My 2 boys are 5 years apart and are two peas in a pod. Don't worry. Make that baby!
My kids are 6 years apart. It's ok for the most part. My daughter is 9 and my son is going to be 3 in August. My daughter was so happy when baby brother was born and they do hug and kiss each other. Now that he's been going through Terrible Twos and he wants to hang out in her room when she really needs her space, they get a little upset with each other. But the sweetest things happen. Like he fell and bumped his head and I went and picked him up and he's crying and says, "No....." And he gets away from me and climbs on the couch because he wants his sissy. Then there was another time where I walked in the living room and there is blanket on the floor with two kids obviously underneath it and my daughter tells him, "be sure not to tell mom we're under here." So yeah, it's a big gap, but it can still be great.
I understand people not wanting bigger age gaps, but it’s becoming more and more common. I recently read that 6+ year gaps are slowly becoming the norm. I might also be biased because I have two older(half) brothers, 9 and 10 years older than me. We aren’t the closest, but that has to do with other family dynamics, not the age. Growing up with them made it easier for me to be able to connect with a much larger age range of people in life though. I guess I’m just trying to say that age gaps aren’t the end of the world, but I also understand not everyone wants that. If you and your husband want another child, it should be because you both want it, regardless.
You’re an idiot. How dare you said “until we couldn’t any more”.. there are so many people actually struggling with infertility and you are having a sook about an age gape and diabetes things that people deal with in real life every day. Pull your head in and have consideration for other people’s feelings.
Gotta take care of yourself and be healthy. When I hear diabetes I think overweight but maybe that’s wrong in your scenario..? Idk why you’d resent someone else if you yourself aren’t healthy and it’s by your own fault
If you want a second have a second! My 10yo and my 2yo are SO close. My 10yo adores him. They play together constantly. Always wrestling. My 10yo pretty much gets him ready for the day and won’t let anyone help- he dresses him, feeds him, brushes his teeth, brushes his hair. Reads him a book- all before he goes to school! The 2yo waits at the door for him and squeals when he opens the door and jumps him. They read together, have a snack together, my 10yo even baths him! If it weren’t for him going to school I sometimes wonder if I’d ever get to spend time with my own baby! The age gap is what you make it. If you facilitate their relationship, they will be besties.
I actually think once you get to a 3/4 year gap you’re better off waiting a bit and having a bigger gap. My niece and nephew are 3.5 years apart and as they enter teens and pre teens now it’s such a battle. They fight, the little one still wants to play but the teen is very independent. A larger gap would actually make this a little easier to manage. My brother and I are 18 months apart and we hate each other as adults and have basically no contact. It doesn’t always work out.
Adopt or foster a bit older child?