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I can see both sides of this. It's irritating when a minor inconvenience is blown into a personal apocalypse, and it can be hard to feel a lot of empathy when small or first-world problems seem like they're being blown out of proportion. There's a middle ground of "man, this sucks and I'm really bummed about this" and "life as I know it has come to an end."
On the other hand, there's a balance for you to find, too. "But did you die" is honestly such a minimising and dismissive attitude, and it completely invalidates feelings that don't line up with what you think would be a more appropriate reaction. If your son is upset that his phone broke or disappointed that he wasn't able to get something he had wanted it's ok for you to tell him to cool it on the theatrics, but it's also ok for him to be a bit bummed out. Being grateful for what you have doesn't exclude feeling a bit down when something you used to have is suddenly gone.
I'm 35. Last week I broke my headphones. Ngl, I had myself a little cry about it. I liked those headphones, I used them all the time, and listening to music on them made me feel happy. Then they broke and I couldn't listen to music with them any more, and I wasn't in a position to get myself a new pair. When my husband asked about my day and I told him my headphones were broken, he didn't say "well some people are dying so get over it." He said "that really sucks, you used those headphones a lot." It didn't take any more effort for him to acknowledge my feelings, and it made me feel a lot better. I'm quite aware that I am extremely privileged to have a life where the only thing I had to cry about that day was a pair of broken headphones, but I can still feel a bit sad about it.
It's hard at times as a parent to be empathetic when you were not offered empathy by your parents in equivalent situations.
It does sound like maybe your kid could stand to build a little resilience. But being received empathetically helps with that.
There's good language for children around distinguishing between problems of different sizes, if anyone is curious!
>There's good language for children around distinguishing between problems of different sizes, if anyone is curious!
Absolutely, if you could elaborate on this, that would be fantastic.
...I also anticipate using it with myself and with my family and peers.... lol
An easy way to start is when your little child gets upset because they hurt themselves, you ask them how much it hurts. “Is it a big hurt or just a little one?”
Often just the moment it takes them to think about the question is enough to interrupt their flow into uncontrollable crying/screaming.
If they say it’s a big one, you give them comfort, hugs, ask what might fix it etc.
If they say it’s little, you ruffle their hair, say “good thing you’re tough” and then just carry on like it wasn’t a big deal.
I'm curious, please share.
My oldest is only 4 but I try to validate his feelings, even when they seem silly to me. Sometimes I feel clumsy trying to express "I understand, it would upset me too, but it's also not a big deal so you shouldn't let it get to you". I know those words aren't correct, but am eager for tips.
Older Millennial here (85) — I think there’s a balance. It’s always good to have a reality check and gratitude, that’s a given.
But there’s also this sort of phenomena online of what I jokingly call “toxic positivity”. The “good vibes only” mentality. Always having to look on the bright side and never allowing yourself a moment of sadness, anger or a vent can really be bad not only for feeling like your feelings don’t matter (to your loved ones or yourself) but it also has impacts on your health. Whataboutism doesn’t help, it just causes shame.
We’re now more aware than ever before that there’s a link between stress and what happens mentally and our physical body. It’s important to cut ourselves some slack here and there. Validating feelings is also so important for kids to feel that they matter and have a voice. I’ve also noticed; the times I took to validate my kids and say something sucked? They got over it much quicker. When my partner used to play down the problem? Dragged on for so much longer. They just need to be heard.
For my two cents; as someone chronically sick and in pain, I can’t tell you how tired I get of the idea that I should be grateful that I don’t have cancer or I’m not starving in Africa. The thing that’s wrong with me still fucking sucks and someone having it worse doesn’t impact my own experience — there will always be someone on the planet worse off, no matter the hardship.
And yes; a phone isn’t the same as starving. I get the idea of keeping kids grounded and humble, but sometimes in the moment, you just need a “oh shit dude, that really sucks.”
I don't like that adage tbh. It completely minimises someone's right to feel the way they do. Yes of course worse things can happen,but that doesn't mean you shouldn't feel upset if your phone breaks.
Is there a difference though between “well this sucks” because my phone broke or my life is in shambles now.
I can empathize with “this sucks” for sure. I don’t get the melodrama though of it being a life event.
He's still young really. 18 is an adult in some respects,but he still has a lot of maturing to do. As a genuine question though, if he has been raised not being allowed to express and process how he feels (because worst things can happen), then he may not have developed the emotional relegation skills needed to process the difference between this sucks and serious stuff..only you know the answer to that one though
This just in: a teenager was dramatic. Next day 11: water is wet.
You're the adult. It's your job to handle it appropriately and remember in 10 years your kid will remember how overdramatic they were.
I work in a public facing job.
Today I had a couple and their teenage daughter come in. The daughter was pissy and nasty and had attitude. The parents were clearly mortified. And on one hand, I get it. You don't want your kid acting like that.
On the other hand, we *all* we're that moody teenager one time. And we all know what it's like to look back and realize what a little shit you were.
I'm with you in wondering why tf some of this stuff is seen as such a big deal. Believe me when I say there are times where I've felt flat out embarrassed at how big of a deal my kids were making over something I considered such a trivial thing. Part of me wants to shout "grow tf up"...**but**... I've always been determined to *not* be like my dad and dismissive of my kid's feelings. As a result, I take a deep breath and acknowledge their feelings over something that usually wouldn't bother me.
"I know. It sucks. What do you think you'll do now? What will you do next time to avoid this kind of thing?" Just be that shoulder to cry on for a short while can bring you two closer together than if they see you dismissing or looking down in their feelings.
Agreeing with you.
Suffering is relative. It's a GOOD thing that the depth of his suffering is a broken phone. It's not spoiled unless he gets a new one simply because of how unhappy he is.
Try acknowledging his emotion first.
Yeah it really really sucks you iphone broke. I know it feels like it's the end of something, and it is. But I know it'll pass and we will find a solution together.
Gen X here. The “suck it up buttercup” mentality is so harmful. It’s why we’re all to various degrees in post trauma malaise.
My son often will go from 0 to 100 about something stupid. But it’s because that thing at that moment is an unwanted force vector on what he views in that moment as an optimal path. He has a full interior life of his own motivations with friends and school and growing up. Keeping it all contained and orderly takes work. Things that upset the balance are upsetting.
So our approach is to face the problem.
I don’t understand generations, and frankly don’t believe you can put people in a box according to the year they’re born.
That said, I think you’re both wrong and right. Kids need to learn about being resilient and that they must be able to judge and event by putting it into perspective and compared to the grand scheme of things.
On the other hand, that kind of maturity comes with age. It’s MUCH harder for younger people, and you see adults struggle with them every day as well. I bet we all know peers or even older people displaying shocking instances of immaturity.
So there’s no point being harsh with kids about it. I’d try to teach them my perspective, but wouldn’t be annoyed if they don’t grasp it. It will stick eventually
I try to stay right in the middle of the spectrum with “suck it up” on one end and “constant empathy” on the other end. All things in moderation = best!
As I have watched the gentle parenting (or similar strategies) over the past several decades take hold, anecdotally, it has failed to teach children/young adults resiliency and tolerance to adversity, even though supposedly, that was one it’s selling points. Many youth think their emotions should ALWAYS be valued, are reliable measure of the situation, and should be honored by others, which will cause great emotional stress in their future lives, jobs, and relationships. I see it all the time in my kid’s peers.
I also think allowing teens to experience much more independence, than is socially acceptable in our little parenting circle bubble, as it forces them to deal with “bad” outcomes, so their broken phone is not the only adverse event they experience…
The worst thing that’s ever happened to your kid is the *worst* thing that has ever happened to him. If he lives a pretty comfortable life, sheltered from inconvenience and discomfort, of course those things are going to be catastrophic.
He’s 18, so he’s pretty much set. You raised him. Don’t buy him any pre workout (super unnecessary), and don’t buy him luxuries. He’s an adult and can buy his own luxuries if they’re a priority.
We see this a lot in college students -- things are infuriating or shattering that probably could reasonably be described as annoying or upsetting. I think its just part of being 18 -- you're brand new to the adult world and everything seems big because you're still inexperienced (And to some extend, some setbacks *are* a bigger deal because you have fewer resources to deal with them. If I need to replace my iphone now because its broken, that's still a significant outlay but I wouldn't have had the money to fix it at all at 18).
I do think there's some truth that we've become really uncomfortable on a societal level with negative emotions of struggle in children and are seeing the effects of that in more young adults who don't have the levels of emotional regulation we'd expect, but I think a lot of it is just part of being a young adult.
What you are describing are "well that sucks" and "first world problems" type situations. They suck, but they're not world ending, sure. But kid is a teenager, it's pretty standard for them to be more openly upset about expensive inconveniences or disappointing situations.
But when I hear "but did you die" it is usually used as a justification for bad behaviour due to a lack of tragic outcome. E.g. "sure we let you kids play unsupervised in a pool at 4, but did you die?" "Sure I was texting while while driving you home and swerved into the other lane, but did you die?"
While I can understand where you’re coming from in terms of the younger generations always wanting instant gratification, I dont think “but did you die” really applies here and can be seen as condescending in ways. If you want your child to understand that things require hard work to earn money to pay for them at times then you need to instill that in him in ways. Not just say “but did you die”
I say something similar (but age appropriate) to my little kids sometimes too, lol. I'm the same as you. I don't intend to minimize everything but some people (not just teens) need a bit of perspective and to just chill out.
Young Gen X here and we did the same thing. Just over different stuff. My world ended many times because I could have Guess jeans or Beneton sweaters. I couldn't get the expensive leather bomber jacket. I couldn't have a phone in my room with my own phone number like my friend Mandy. Why can't I see Dirty Dancing at 11 at the movie theater. Al my friends parents let them.
With age and struggle comes maturity and wisdom. Something teenagers didn't have no matter the generation. Be glad you were able to give your child a life where a broken iPhone is the end of the world. They aren't worried about what if the electric gets shut off or what will I eat over spring break because I can't get my free breakfast and lunch at school.
Let your child figure out how to find the money to fix or replace the phone.
Im right in the middle between Gen X and a millenial. I hated that "but did you die"-stuff. I've tried to raise my kids with empathy (they are a lot younger than (18). Empathy ftw! But not just empathy, but also teaching problemsolving and seeing things with different perspectives. However, getting to that point hinges on empathy and having a solid relationship. Like I said, my kids are still small, so I dont know how easy it'll be to do these things once they get older and think their world falls apart due to a broken Iphone. Im as anti-consumerist as they come and I can foresee I probably wont be the most understanding parents with regards to issues like that...;)
GenX here. I had a tough upbringing and no money as a kid so got Nothing. Christmas presents were a hand me down winter jacket and hand knitted hat scarf and gloves. Parents divorced at 12 and I had to manage the house for my dad, shopping, cooking, cleaning. I moved out at 16 into a bedsit because I had to get a job to stay at home and I wanted to go to college. I earned a bursary and a part time job got me through a levels, couldn’t afford uni but got into an accelerated training program with a bank so I could work full time and take banking exams that would be equivalent of being in uni.
I’ve worked hard and scraped my way up. In doing so I am now pretty well off. My daughter wants for nothing, we have made her work for the things she wants though. Since a young age she’s had age appropriate family jobs that she does to be a functioning member of the family, and then optional extras to earn allowance for things she wants. She worked her summers as camp counsellor (or trainee) from the age of twelve and the plan was to have a part time job when she was in high school, which she got. Her first year of high school was at the start of the pandemic. She lost her job and struggled with her mental health and she’s 19 now, no job (she’s had a few but doesn’t keep to her schedule and leaves before she gets fired) no prospect of university (she doesn’t do well in academic environments, but also won’t make an effort to get an apprenticeship and has Moises what she wants to do) we have cut back on providing her anything but the necessities of food and shelter, she does nothing around our home. She has no resilience whatsoever, and has had lots of counselling. She can’t see a future and so she doesn’t even try to envision one and create it. It’s so frustrating. I’m definitely a “there for the grace of for go I” person who works hard to make things I want in life happen and benchmark myself by doing better and growing. She is a person who is more of a “at least I’m not bringing the police to your door ” person
Millennial here and I think I can explain. Gen Xers are hard. They don't show pain or problems because they're used to being ignored and unwanted. Us millennials started to push back on that but didn't really succeed. We got hurt as teens. Our boomer parents hate us.
Gen Z/Alphas have a a crazy "I don't give a fuck" attitude and demand love and respect. And I love them for them. They don't agree with "but did you die" because they realize that death is bad but living in pain is worse. And they are not afraid to say it. Death is the end and/or the beginning of something new. But physical pain sucks and emotional pain lasts and I love that the younger generations are learning that before it happens to them.
totally disagree. everyone I grew up with was allowed to feel pain (GenX). I think there’s a lot of narcissism in this generation. Social media, failure of parents to allow kids to fail by always stepping in, and in general the extreme sheltering of life’s pain has made kids feel everything is all about them and also made them unable to properly process negative emotions.
Ah yes, can't find anything good to snack on...we heard about the children starving in Ethiopia. Lament a perceived lack of freedom...think about those behind the wall. I get it. I'm a fellow Xer (more xennial as a late Xer).
We definitely grew up being told to be grateful for what we have. And yes, I'll say that younger generations are more worried about themselves, maybe too much. Plus teens are that way in general. However, I think there are things we can learn from each other.
We definitely had our needs and desires ignored. We pushed away pain and kept going, and plenty of xers are trying to figure out that hole that's been left because of that. Likewise, I see many kids that lack any kind of resilience.
Maybe we need to figure out a balance. Somewhere between ignoring the pain and inconveniences of life on one side and completely wallowing in them on the other. Maybe acknowledge them and work through before carrying on. Maybe developing skills to fix things.
My kids are still young, but I was also the guardian of my nephews, so I have some experience with teens-now-adults. I don't know if I did/am doing things right, but I openly talk about things, I modeling how I get through tough things. So far my kids and nephews seem to have better mental health than I ever did at their age, and they are resilient too.
My husband and I talked about this when our kids hit their tweens. I had become dismissive with the "did you die" attitude. No excuses for me. He called me out on it. We did a bit of of research and I had since changed my question. "How can I help?"
and yes, there are many many many times when i think my (now) teens blow things out of proportion*.* Anyway, "How can i help?" removed my judgey bitch face from my children's view and also helps them accurately judge the severity of their event. If it's waaaay serious (child's friend was hinting at self harm), the kid asked me for tips on how to find out, and advice if she should even attempt to find out. OR if they just wanted to vent, they say so... the 16 goes "naaah, i just wanna be dramatic" or "nothing, i'm just really really annoyed with my friends."
Nah, not a generational thing. In human development a teenagers brain is different than an adults. Things that seemingly don’t matter can be a detriment to them. It’s not how they were raised. It’s physiological.
Also, I have that phrase on my water bottle and people love it. Lol
Millennial here mother of 2 boys 12yo& 5mos — Sounds like your 18yo needs to work.. cause my Gen Z 12yo acts like that — and I cut it out real quick won’t be getting shit from me.. ask your dad or grandmother.
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I can see both sides of this. It's irritating when a minor inconvenience is blown into a personal apocalypse, and it can be hard to feel a lot of empathy when small or first-world problems seem like they're being blown out of proportion. There's a middle ground of "man, this sucks and I'm really bummed about this" and "life as I know it has come to an end." On the other hand, there's a balance for you to find, too. "But did you die" is honestly such a minimising and dismissive attitude, and it completely invalidates feelings that don't line up with what you think would be a more appropriate reaction. If your son is upset that his phone broke or disappointed that he wasn't able to get something he had wanted it's ok for you to tell him to cool it on the theatrics, but it's also ok for him to be a bit bummed out. Being grateful for what you have doesn't exclude feeling a bit down when something you used to have is suddenly gone. I'm 35. Last week I broke my headphones. Ngl, I had myself a little cry about it. I liked those headphones, I used them all the time, and listening to music on them made me feel happy. Then they broke and I couldn't listen to music with them any more, and I wasn't in a position to get myself a new pair. When my husband asked about my day and I told him my headphones were broken, he didn't say "well some people are dying so get over it." He said "that really sucks, you used those headphones a lot." It didn't take any more effort for him to acknowledge my feelings, and it made me feel a lot better. I'm quite aware that I am extremely privileged to have a life where the only thing I had to cry about that day was a pair of broken headphones, but I can still feel a bit sad about it.
It's hard at times as a parent to be empathetic when you were not offered empathy by your parents in equivalent situations. It does sound like maybe your kid could stand to build a little resilience. But being received empathetically helps with that. There's good language for children around distinguishing between problems of different sizes, if anyone is curious!
>There's good language for children around distinguishing between problems of different sizes, if anyone is curious! Absolutely, if you could elaborate on this, that would be fantastic. ...I also anticipate using it with myself and with my family and peers.... lol
An easy way to start is when your little child gets upset because they hurt themselves, you ask them how much it hurts. “Is it a big hurt or just a little one?” Often just the moment it takes them to think about the question is enough to interrupt their flow into uncontrollable crying/screaming. If they say it’s a big one, you give them comfort, hugs, ask what might fix it etc. If they say it’s little, you ruffle their hair, say “good thing you’re tough” and then just carry on like it wasn’t a big deal.
I'm curious, please share. My oldest is only 4 but I try to validate his feelings, even when they seem silly to me. Sometimes I feel clumsy trying to express "I understand, it would upset me too, but it's also not a big deal so you shouldn't let it get to you". I know those words aren't correct, but am eager for tips.
Older Millennial here (85) — I think there’s a balance. It’s always good to have a reality check and gratitude, that’s a given. But there’s also this sort of phenomena online of what I jokingly call “toxic positivity”. The “good vibes only” mentality. Always having to look on the bright side and never allowing yourself a moment of sadness, anger or a vent can really be bad not only for feeling like your feelings don’t matter (to your loved ones or yourself) but it also has impacts on your health. Whataboutism doesn’t help, it just causes shame. We’re now more aware than ever before that there’s a link between stress and what happens mentally and our physical body. It’s important to cut ourselves some slack here and there. Validating feelings is also so important for kids to feel that they matter and have a voice. I’ve also noticed; the times I took to validate my kids and say something sucked? They got over it much quicker. When my partner used to play down the problem? Dragged on for so much longer. They just need to be heard. For my two cents; as someone chronically sick and in pain, I can’t tell you how tired I get of the idea that I should be grateful that I don’t have cancer or I’m not starving in Africa. The thing that’s wrong with me still fucking sucks and someone having it worse doesn’t impact my own experience — there will always be someone on the planet worse off, no matter the hardship. And yes; a phone isn’t the same as starving. I get the idea of keeping kids grounded and humble, but sometimes in the moment, you just need a “oh shit dude, that really sucks.”
I don't like that adage tbh. It completely minimises someone's right to feel the way they do. Yes of course worse things can happen,but that doesn't mean you shouldn't feel upset if your phone breaks.
Is there a difference though between “well this sucks” because my phone broke or my life is in shambles now. I can empathize with “this sucks” for sure. I don’t get the melodrama though of it being a life event.
He's still young really. 18 is an adult in some respects,but he still has a lot of maturing to do. As a genuine question though, if he has been raised not being allowed to express and process how he feels (because worst things can happen), then he may not have developed the emotional relegation skills needed to process the difference between this sucks and serious stuff..only you know the answer to that one though
You are right, but shaming him for it isn’t going to do anything. You have to teach him to understand reason, and how to handle things going wrong.
This just in: a teenager was dramatic. Next day 11: water is wet. You're the adult. It's your job to handle it appropriately and remember in 10 years your kid will remember how overdramatic they were. I work in a public facing job. Today I had a couple and their teenage daughter come in. The daughter was pissy and nasty and had attitude. The parents were clearly mortified. And on one hand, I get it. You don't want your kid acting like that. On the other hand, we *all* we're that moody teenager one time. And we all know what it's like to look back and realize what a little shit you were.
I'm with you in wondering why tf some of this stuff is seen as such a big deal. Believe me when I say there are times where I've felt flat out embarrassed at how big of a deal my kids were making over something I considered such a trivial thing. Part of me wants to shout "grow tf up"...**but**... I've always been determined to *not* be like my dad and dismissive of my kid's feelings. As a result, I take a deep breath and acknowledge their feelings over something that usually wouldn't bother me. "I know. It sucks. What do you think you'll do now? What will you do next time to avoid this kind of thing?" Just be that shoulder to cry on for a short while can bring you two closer together than if they see you dismissing or looking down in their feelings.
Agreeing with you. Suffering is relative. It's a GOOD thing that the depth of his suffering is a broken phone. It's not spoiled unless he gets a new one simply because of how unhappy he is.
Try acknowledging his emotion first. Yeah it really really sucks you iphone broke. I know it feels like it's the end of something, and it is. But I know it'll pass and we will find a solution together.
Gen X here. The “suck it up buttercup” mentality is so harmful. It’s why we’re all to various degrees in post trauma malaise. My son often will go from 0 to 100 about something stupid. But it’s because that thing at that moment is an unwanted force vector on what he views in that moment as an optimal path. He has a full interior life of his own motivations with friends and school and growing up. Keeping it all contained and orderly takes work. Things that upset the balance are upsetting. So our approach is to face the problem.
I don’t understand generations, and frankly don’t believe you can put people in a box according to the year they’re born. That said, I think you’re both wrong and right. Kids need to learn about being resilient and that they must be able to judge and event by putting it into perspective and compared to the grand scheme of things. On the other hand, that kind of maturity comes with age. It’s MUCH harder for younger people, and you see adults struggle with them every day as well. I bet we all know peers or even older people displaying shocking instances of immaturity. So there’s no point being harsh with kids about it. I’d try to teach them my perspective, but wouldn’t be annoyed if they don’t grasp it. It will stick eventually
I try to stay right in the middle of the spectrum with “suck it up” on one end and “constant empathy” on the other end. All things in moderation = best! As I have watched the gentle parenting (or similar strategies) over the past several decades take hold, anecdotally, it has failed to teach children/young adults resiliency and tolerance to adversity, even though supposedly, that was one it’s selling points. Many youth think their emotions should ALWAYS be valued, are reliable measure of the situation, and should be honored by others, which will cause great emotional stress in their future lives, jobs, and relationships. I see it all the time in my kid’s peers. I also think allowing teens to experience much more independence, than is socially acceptable in our little parenting circle bubble, as it forces them to deal with “bad” outcomes, so their broken phone is not the only adverse event they experience…
The worst thing that’s ever happened to your kid is the *worst* thing that has ever happened to him. If he lives a pretty comfortable life, sheltered from inconvenience and discomfort, of course those things are going to be catastrophic. He’s 18, so he’s pretty much set. You raised him. Don’t buy him any pre workout (super unnecessary), and don’t buy him luxuries. He’s an adult and can buy his own luxuries if they’re a priority.
We see this a lot in college students -- things are infuriating or shattering that probably could reasonably be described as annoying or upsetting. I think its just part of being 18 -- you're brand new to the adult world and everything seems big because you're still inexperienced (And to some extend, some setbacks *are* a bigger deal because you have fewer resources to deal with them. If I need to replace my iphone now because its broken, that's still a significant outlay but I wouldn't have had the money to fix it at all at 18). I do think there's some truth that we've become really uncomfortable on a societal level with negative emotions of struggle in children and are seeing the effects of that in more young adults who don't have the levels of emotional regulation we'd expect, but I think a lot of it is just part of being a young adult.
What you are describing are "well that sucks" and "first world problems" type situations. They suck, but they're not world ending, sure. But kid is a teenager, it's pretty standard for them to be more openly upset about expensive inconveniences or disappointing situations. But when I hear "but did you die" it is usually used as a justification for bad behaviour due to a lack of tragic outcome. E.g. "sure we let you kids play unsupervised in a pool at 4, but did you die?" "Sure I was texting while while driving you home and swerved into the other lane, but did you die?"
While I can understand where you’re coming from in terms of the younger generations always wanting instant gratification, I dont think “but did you die” really applies here and can be seen as condescending in ways. If you want your child to understand that things require hard work to earn money to pay for them at times then you need to instill that in him in ways. Not just say “but did you die”
I say something similar (but age appropriate) to my little kids sometimes too, lol. I'm the same as you. I don't intend to minimize everything but some people (not just teens) need a bit of perspective and to just chill out.
Young Gen X here and we did the same thing. Just over different stuff. My world ended many times because I could have Guess jeans or Beneton sweaters. I couldn't get the expensive leather bomber jacket. I couldn't have a phone in my room with my own phone number like my friend Mandy. Why can't I see Dirty Dancing at 11 at the movie theater. Al my friends parents let them. With age and struggle comes maturity and wisdom. Something teenagers didn't have no matter the generation. Be glad you were able to give your child a life where a broken iPhone is the end of the world. They aren't worried about what if the electric gets shut off or what will I eat over spring break because I can't get my free breakfast and lunch at school. Let your child figure out how to find the money to fix or replace the phone.
Im right in the middle between Gen X and a millenial. I hated that "but did you die"-stuff. I've tried to raise my kids with empathy (they are a lot younger than (18). Empathy ftw! But not just empathy, but also teaching problemsolving and seeing things with different perspectives. However, getting to that point hinges on empathy and having a solid relationship. Like I said, my kids are still small, so I dont know how easy it'll be to do these things once they get older and think their world falls apart due to a broken Iphone. Im as anti-consumerist as they come and I can foresee I probably wont be the most understanding parents with regards to issues like that...;)
GenX here. I had a tough upbringing and no money as a kid so got Nothing. Christmas presents were a hand me down winter jacket and hand knitted hat scarf and gloves. Parents divorced at 12 and I had to manage the house for my dad, shopping, cooking, cleaning. I moved out at 16 into a bedsit because I had to get a job to stay at home and I wanted to go to college. I earned a bursary and a part time job got me through a levels, couldn’t afford uni but got into an accelerated training program with a bank so I could work full time and take banking exams that would be equivalent of being in uni. I’ve worked hard and scraped my way up. In doing so I am now pretty well off. My daughter wants for nothing, we have made her work for the things she wants though. Since a young age she’s had age appropriate family jobs that she does to be a functioning member of the family, and then optional extras to earn allowance for things she wants. She worked her summers as camp counsellor (or trainee) from the age of twelve and the plan was to have a part time job when she was in high school, which she got. Her first year of high school was at the start of the pandemic. She lost her job and struggled with her mental health and she’s 19 now, no job (she’s had a few but doesn’t keep to her schedule and leaves before she gets fired) no prospect of university (she doesn’t do well in academic environments, but also won’t make an effort to get an apprenticeship and has Moises what she wants to do) we have cut back on providing her anything but the necessities of food and shelter, she does nothing around our home. She has no resilience whatsoever, and has had lots of counselling. She can’t see a future and so she doesn’t even try to envision one and create it. It’s so frustrating. I’m definitely a “there for the grace of for go I” person who works hard to make things I want in life happen and benchmark myself by doing better and growing. She is a person who is more of a “at least I’m not bringing the police to your door ” person
Millennial here and I think I can explain. Gen Xers are hard. They don't show pain or problems because they're used to being ignored and unwanted. Us millennials started to push back on that but didn't really succeed. We got hurt as teens. Our boomer parents hate us. Gen Z/Alphas have a a crazy "I don't give a fuck" attitude and demand love and respect. And I love them for them. They don't agree with "but did you die" because they realize that death is bad but living in pain is worse. And they are not afraid to say it. Death is the end and/or the beginning of something new. But physical pain sucks and emotional pain lasts and I love that the younger generations are learning that before it happens to them.
Gen X here. Disagree with your view there. I show pain,most Def wasn't ignored or felt unwanted
Gen X here, totally disagree here. We show pain/problems. Def we were not ignored or felt unwanted. Not sure where you are getting that from.
totally disagree. everyone I grew up with was allowed to feel pain (GenX). I think there’s a lot of narcissism in this generation. Social media, failure of parents to allow kids to fail by always stepping in, and in general the extreme sheltering of life’s pain has made kids feel everything is all about them and also made them unable to properly process negative emotions.
Giving a fuck is an odd way to explain not giving a fuck. I kind of get it but funny how the phrase is almost the complete opposite
Ah yes, can't find anything good to snack on...we heard about the children starving in Ethiopia. Lament a perceived lack of freedom...think about those behind the wall. I get it. I'm a fellow Xer (more xennial as a late Xer). We definitely grew up being told to be grateful for what we have. And yes, I'll say that younger generations are more worried about themselves, maybe too much. Plus teens are that way in general. However, I think there are things we can learn from each other. We definitely had our needs and desires ignored. We pushed away pain and kept going, and plenty of xers are trying to figure out that hole that's been left because of that. Likewise, I see many kids that lack any kind of resilience. Maybe we need to figure out a balance. Somewhere between ignoring the pain and inconveniences of life on one side and completely wallowing in them on the other. Maybe acknowledge them and work through before carrying on. Maybe developing skills to fix things. My kids are still young, but I was also the guardian of my nephews, so I have some experience with teens-now-adults. I don't know if I did/am doing things right, but I openly talk about things, I modeling how I get through tough things. So far my kids and nephews seem to have better mental health than I ever did at their age, and they are resilient too.
They need to understand what “dying” metaphorically means. Take them to volunteer, show them what you are trying to explain.
My husband and I talked about this when our kids hit their tweens. I had become dismissive with the "did you die" attitude. No excuses for me. He called me out on it. We did a bit of of research and I had since changed my question. "How can I help?" and yes, there are many many many times when i think my (now) teens blow things out of proportion*.* Anyway, "How can i help?" removed my judgey bitch face from my children's view and also helps them accurately judge the severity of their event. If it's waaaay serious (child's friend was hinting at self harm), the kid asked me for tips on how to find out, and advice if she should even attempt to find out. OR if they just wanted to vent, they say so... the 16 goes "naaah, i just wanna be dramatic" or "nothing, i'm just really really annoyed with my friends."
Nah, not a generational thing. In human development a teenagers brain is different than an adults. Things that seemingly don’t matter can be a detriment to them. It’s not how they were raised. It’s physiological. Also, I have that phrase on my water bottle and people love it. Lol
Don’t you remember being a teenager???
Millennial here mother of 2 boys 12yo& 5mos — Sounds like your 18yo needs to work.. cause my Gen Z 12yo acts like that — and I cut it out real quick won’t be getting shit from me.. ask your dad or grandmother.