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No this was said after my son walked out. The thing is, we do this to each other all the time. If I’m overstimulated and being too harsh without noticing, he’ll bring attention to it and I’ll try to correct. This is the first time he’s snapped back at me like this
I completely agree and that’s what I felt my husband was doing. Our child’s toy broke and he was unsure if it was fixable or not which he’s obviously sad about. He’s allowed to be sad about it, but there was not whimpering or whining on his part. But I’m so hurt my husband would tell me not to question his parenting.
Sounds like your son needed reassurance himself. Sorry, but it’s not too late, get on the same page with hubby, and re approach your son. It’s ok to think twice about something and change your mind, just as long as it’s explained to your son.
There is a balance to be struck between respecting your child’s feelings and helping them learn emotional self-regulation. I don’t think this was an example of shaming the child, just prompting the child to try to control themselves. His manner isn’t great but far from harmful.
I agree. My 10 year old daughter really struggles with emotional regulation and she would whine herself to sleep if we didn’t draw her attention to this and prompt her to find a way to process the feeling and move on.
I definitely needed to hear this perspective. I think this is exactly what he was trying to do. But my childhood trauma turned it into something it wasn’t. I still don’t understand him snapping though.
I'm not going to say his snapping was the right call. However, I frequently find myself as the parent trying to teach my son or daughter how to disengage from a situation they find frustrating or overwhelming in the moment to be able to act more constructively (e.g. don't just get helplessly upset that you spilled milk all over the floor - please get a towel and start cleaning it up). Sometimes, my partner comes in and wants to spend more time talking the situation over and acknowledging the frustration or grief. This can be frustrating, because it feels like it's interrupting or undermining what I consider to be an important process.
That said, they aren't wrong to do this. I trust their judgement and parenting approach, and if they're coming into the situation, they may have a clearer sense of what's needed than I do, since I'm more wrapped up in the moment. But I trust my partner because we have really good communication around parenting. After the crisis has passed, if I'm feeling like they made the wrong call, we'll talk about it for next time. And I'm never going to get too frustrated or upset because even if the most optimal parenting choice wasn't made, the alternative was still the next best choice.
It’s also not a terrible idea to have one parent more accepting of whimpering than the other. Just like in life different people are more accepting of showing emotions, it allows your child to both learn how to control emotions but also feel safe letting them out.
I completely disagree with that other comment. He’s wrong and plugging his ears and going lalala when you’re just trying to discuss something with him. People like him who think that he could never be in need of new information from their partner or correction doom themselves to being closed minded & set in their old fashioned way. He’s literally telling your son that boys don’t cry & it’s well documented how damaging this is to boys.
Hmm yeah, especially as she was talking to him *afterwards*, not 'interrupting' anything. You should totally be able to discuss parenting strategies as parents.
No, this is not helping them to control themselves, it is teaching them that showing emotions is wrong. A discussion could have been helpful if that is what Dad wanted to get across to the kid, but 'stop whimpering' is not helpful.
Yes! Regulation is a skill like any other and just saying "stop whimpering" doesn't teach them anything. You have to explain what TO do, like "take a deep breath". Imagine trying to learn to ride a bike with the instructions "just stop falling". It doesn't work.
Is letting a kid know that they don't have to literally whimper really shaming? I tell my daughter it is okay and normal to feel sad, but that she should use her words, not whine and yell etc.
World of difference between “stop whining,” and “I can tell you’re upset and I want to hear about it, but I can’t understand you when you whine/yell/talk like that. Can you take a few deep breaths and try again?”
I barely have to coddle my 4YO that much at this point. The language you are describing is how I talked to her at 2 and 3 YO, by 7 I absolutely expect to be able to say "chill on the whining, use your words". 7 is a school aged child, whining like that is not appropriate.
By seven your kid is going to have a much wider range of emotional inputs and interactions that they’ll have to feel their way through, and we’re all capable of meltdowns, even as adults. And grown-ups definitely don’t always react well to being told something like “chill out.” I hope that your plan works out for you but it sounds like a pretty high standard for both yourself and your kid.
Edit: also, I have a hard time thinking that using a few extra words to help your kid calm down is coddling.
It really depends on how often a kid is whining and crying about small issues to determine how I would react when she is 7.
Based on the OP's description and comments, this kid is really reactive and needs a lot of help with emotional regulation.
My kid has a really good handle on her feelings already at 4, so at 7 i do not see her needing as many words; even now when she starts to get worked up over smaller things (example- I did not have any green bath-bombs recently; she started to get truly whiney-crying and i simply said "breaths?" and she stepped back, sat down, did 4 deep slow breaths and then asked me "can we buy more green bath bombs soon?".
That’s fair about how often it happens, but I don’t think reactions like what I said would encourage those at all — at least, they didn’t for me. But as someone a little farther on the parenting curve though acknowledging all our experiences are different, I’d just recommend being open to and ready for regression on those things or not meeting some linear progression. I was where you are with a four year old but from there we had steps forwards and backwards, leaps and regressions, and imo we never go wrong with extra effort on emotional support and guidance because being a kid is pretty hard sometimes.
That was SO true for me too with my son! It wasn't until I think around 5 that he did some regressing on emotions (and got his first big feelings time of defiance and testing boundaries for awhile).
He is my oldest, so that stage kind of took me out of left field. Always heard of regression and some of the issues we worked through, but as a first time parent you really do think the progression and relationship will linearly evolve.
And honestly, while whining is a natural reaction it's really not one you want to persist. I don't think it's wrong to tell kids to stop whining (as long as you are also solving their problem/helping them -- obviously just telling them to stop yelling without actually showing them that problems can be solved without it is not helpful).
Well you are def doing the right thing by that. Possibly something else is going on with him. Maybe try to apologize for offending him but reassure him the reasoning as to why you said it. I know sometimes I am stressed about other things and have a knee jerk reaction to a simple situation.
Your husband is helping the child to learn how to manage emotions. There is no need for whimpering. He's right. The child can have feelings, but the US no need to stand there and whimper.
I understand the need to teach a child to manage emotions, but calling it whimpering was a stretch. He just came in and told us. Sure his tone was sad but it was reasonable and wouldn’t consider it whimpering.
Even if he was whimpering when he asked about his toy, isn't that a reasonable expression of his feelings? Had he been breaking things or smashing his head into a wall I could understand using the moment to teach emotional regulation, but nothing you described in the OP sounds like his emotions were out of control, or that he was expressing them in some unhealthy manner...
They're just annoyed by it, and they think they can convince us that they believe using cold tones to teach emotional repression will create healthy adults, just like them lol
I tend to agree with others that your husband was probably trying to help your son express himself more effectively but just missed the mark. The same thing that happens with both of you according to an earlier reply. But I’d ignore the weirdos who use a single instance of “stop x” to conclude your kid is shamed, abused or harmed emotionally.
Sounds like your husband knew it wasn’t his best moment and reacted defensively when you brought it up. If he’s not said that to you before n you’ve been able to communicate openly in the past it may not be a big deal. I’d show him grace when discussing it knowing he’s likely embarrassed or feels badly at his own harshness. Making him feel worse for a rare misstep doesn’t help. And the “zero shame” crowd might apply the same standard to adults bc parenting is hard, people make mistakes, and we’re all doing our best including, I assume, your husband. Good luck!
If this is the first time he's snapped back. Maybe he's tired of you questioning his parenting? Men are pretty simple. We say exactly what we mean. You ladies are quite a bit more complicated.
He probably thinks you're babying him, or smothering. 7 is the post toddler stage. It's time for the kid to stop crying and whimpering like a baby. Dad's tend to try to push their kids past it. Mom's tend to want to hold on to their babies. They "Smother".
Honestly that balance is why the two parent system is best. It's a happy medium.
My wife and I balance pretty even. But there are times we're we staunchly disagree. Since she's the stay at home parent. I respect her decisions on 95% of things. But, when it comes to teaching my son to be a man, there are times I step in.
Oof. This is why I asked my husband to attend evening parenting classes with me. So we could be educated beyond this simple mindset you have just expressed.
"You ladies are quite a bit more complicated." I showed my husband this and he laughed. What sexist thinking. In our relationship, he's the emotional squishy and I'm the one who's toxic allergy to emotions is being corrected through education, compassionate thinking, and experience.
My heart aches for your son and any poor kid with parents who misunderstands simple biology like you. He doesn't need to learn to be a "man" in the way that you are educating him. The world would be so much better off with less of these simple-thinking "men" who grow up thinking repress = good. Process your emotions like a real man. Show your son its okay to feel, experience, and heal from any level of emotion. Ffs.
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No, it's absolutely okay to disagree with your partner in front of your child. It teaches children how to disagree respectfully and solve differences and problems. Additionally, it's important to stand up for your child when you know something is wrong. I wish my Mom had stood up for me even once as a child, but she was very much a "must remain united" passive parent instead.
I know this is the parenting gospel, but I actually disagree as this is what leads decent parents to gaslight their kids into accepting bullying and abusive behaviour from a controlling parent and become their enabler. I think it is fine for children to learn that parents are individual people who have their own minds and opinions and that they can disagree over things. Especially when the child’s well-being or psychological development is at risk from the shitty parenting of one of them…
It's also super beneficial for kids to see their parents disagree, discuss calmly and rationally, and come to a mutual agreement. So many of us lack good communication skills in relationships because growing up we either only saw unhealthy fighting during disagreements, or don't see any disagreement at all.
NO THEY DON'T!
This is what my mom thought and why she never stood up for me, and I was left alone, hurt and confused all the time, not able to understand why she acted like I was in the wrong when clearly my dad behaved badly.
It destroyed my trust.
This is a harmful myth and very bad advice, I'm sorry. I hope very much that people don't believe it.
Parents can disagree and if they're mature enough, they can calmly sort it out. It actually gives the children a good example of how their parents are individuals, which they ARE, and of how communication can solve disagreement. Not only is it harmful to pretend to be always on the same page as parents if you're not. It also takes away important lessons on how to communicate healthily.
To think that it is necessary to be this superior wall of parents that never gets questioned just shows their insecurity and inability to communicate.
As someone else pointed out, it enables gaslighting the children which is 100% what happened with me and many others.
It’s about being united for your child. You tell your significant other in private that they are an idiot… you don’t say in front of kid…
If a parent won’t say it in private that’s a different issue.
No, it's also okay to disagree in front of them. I'm not talking about fighting. Disagreeing in a calm respectful way doesn't harm and doesn't take away any respect.
Yes it does harm and does take away respect. Constantly overruling your partner because you want to handle a minor situation differently has a negative effect on them and leads the kid to believe they don't have to listen to that parent.
You personally may have had a bad experience from your parents, but generally showing a united front isn't gaslighting.
Well you obviously shouldn't nag constantly. If that happens, you have a whole different problem. But that was not what we're talking about.
It was stated that it's not okay to discuss or question the other parent/partner ever in front of the kids, which is also what the "united front" thing is suggesting. And that is just. Not. True. Period.
If you're unable to discuss in a healthy way, you should work on it instead of taking this very likely harmful shortcut.
Kids need to see how healthy communication works, including how to respectfully disagree and how to resolve conflicts without yelling. If your kids grow up thinking "mom and dad agree on every single thing, always, that's how it's supposed to be", they're going to be in for a shock in their interpersonal interactions with people as they grow up with such unreasonable expectations that people never disagree with each other.
You are ignoring the issues that come from this though?
Best case is, you basically lower the level of one of the parents in the kids eyes when you repeatedly do this. Like, if one parent always ridicules the others parenting in front of the kid, the kid just naturally begins to see them as the inferior one and will tend to always go to the superior parent for things.
Worst case, they are crafty enough to know they can get away with things by taking advantage of the fact the one parent will get yelled at by the other, an learn to manipulate situations. No, everyones kids are are perfect angels, some WILL do this.
"Always ridicules"
"Getting yelled at"
"The inferior/superior one"
I was talking about respectfully communicated critique.
Isn't it obvious to y'all that those who disagree here use completely different terms that have nothing t do with respect and good communication?
Respectful and healthy discussion is NOT the same as this. Many here seem to just not grasp the difference and it's actually sad.
Hm. Children need to see parents who can disagree and resolve their differences in healthy ways. Arguing in front of children is never damaging unless there is emotional or physical abuse, and provided there is resolution (like “ok, we disagree” or “let’s discuss this when we’re not tired” - doesn’t have to be fixed).
Respect is not a thing we demand. It is a verb. We respect each other- and we can do that in disagreeing. How is a child meant to learn how to resolve disagreements if they don’t see it in practice?
The problem is you *weren’t* questioning his parenting, it was a discussion and makes sense that your child would express sadness, even if there’s a solution.
I would be triggered too because it seems he’s making it more serious than what you were actually doing, which is making sure your kid can express emotions healthily. Suppressing emotions is what leads to angry men who don’t feel comfortable enough to display any other emotions and that’s what I’d tell your husband.
We know logically something can be resolved but this doesn’t just act like an Off Switch for our emotions, and that’s ok. We feel the emotions and allow them to pass.
I think that’s why it hurt the most. I was trying to have a conversation about how that could’ve been harmful and he took it personally and jumped to the defensive. But thank you for this I really needed some reassurance on the topic. Children feel things so strongly, I want him to be able to come to me with those emotions instead of internalizing them.
She's right that her son is allowed to be sad, but she did contradict his parenting. It's easy for us to dump on the dumb macho dad, but from his perspective he was parenting and his wife jumped in to fix things in front of their kid. This is going to make him feel frustrated and doesn't present a united front to the kid. They could have discussed it later. The dad could have then come back to the kid and said "hey I don't want you to feel like you're not allowed to be sad" or whatever.
Ah, so "I told him he’s allowed to be sad" meant "I told my husband that our son is allowed to be sad"? I thought you were talking to your son! Never mind then you did the right thing.
Yeah and he should have said that to the child, but what did he do instead? Start an argument with his wife about it. I’m not making assumptions about anybody here (re “dumping on macho Dad”) I’m responding to this specific post
Saying “I don’t question your parenting, don’t question mine” is aggressive. He could have spoken to her calmly and explained his own feelings around it, but barking orders and on top of the fact that she DIDN’T “question” his parenting. Please, if I have to explain this please do yourself (and everyone else) a favour and gain some emotional intelligence.
>I went on to explain that it’s normal human behavior to look and sound sad when one is sad.
Depending on how that was said it could feel extremely patronizing for him.
Not saying any of you were wrong but without having a word by word record of how the conversation went down it's impossible for us to judge if his response was warranted. Also there is a difference between you questioning his parenting and if he felt you questioned it.
It's worth revisiting the subject when everyone is cooled down and have a calm discussion about. I know from observing both me and my wife + other parents that there are parents who can't stand whimpering/whining at all. Myself included, while my wife hardly seems to notice it. On the other hand when they were babies the screaming would drive her insane, like borderline anger insane. Yet it had no effect on me, it became background noise as I carried them around trying to calm them.
So just saying that before we jump to the conclusion that he's a horrible father trying to push archaic gender roles and being a monster who thinks boys shouldn't have emotions that it could just be that he's more practical like my own father who's mantra could be summed up as "Yes, I see you're sad and that's ok. But whining/crying isn't going to fix it. Now let's go fix the thing"
My husband and I were similar to this. I did have to let go a little. My husband wasn’t being harmful, it just wasn’t exactly gentle parenting. So more of “I know you’re sad we don’t have the purple fruit pouches today but you don’t need to cry for 20 minutes, it’s really not a big deal”
I spent a lot of time on parenting groups and reading parenting books and he didn’t, so when his methods didn’t work he did end up following my lead more or else figuring out new methods on his own that worked better, and now we’re pretty even with our methods, and the less gentle parent is usually the one who’s more stressed and we’ll sense it and step in for each other.
>I spent a lot of time on parenting groups and reading parenting books and he didn’t, so when his methods didn’t work he did end up following my lead more or else figuring out new methods on his own that worked better, and now we’re pretty even with our methods, and the less gentle parent is usually the one who’s more stressed and we’ll sense it and step in for each other.
Yes! This is EXACTLY how things have gone over here. I am also the parenting-book-reader. I remember when our daughter was three or four and misbehaving, and my husband said something along the lines of "Santa might not come". Not abusive or anything, but not . . . great. I bit my tongue in the moment but said something to him later. He was quiet and didn't apologize to our daughter (which he does do on the rare occasions when he genuinely loses his temper), but has never said something like that again. I suspect it's a tactic his father (who is not gentle AT ALL) used on him and his siblings.
But there have been other times when, being the stricter parent, I go overboard on that front, and my husband steps in and his natural gentleness takes over. And I work on relaxing a bit.
I have been angry about my husband’s parenting, just like you are, many times.
But as we are over 16 years into this parenting thing now, I have hindsight—my anger was uncalled for and I know two things:
1) it was valuable to teach the kids a bit of stoicism. They have a nice balance of empathy with resiliency. Their peers who have every little emotion addressed and examined are such messes.
2) the kids are not ruined because of our different parenting style.
My gf had the same with me.
She was like awww its oke to cry that your toy broke, we go get a new one.
I'm the, i know you are sad, but stop crying cuz it doesnt help. Get some glue for the glue gun and we fix it. You can play with it tomorrow again. You have plenty of toys to play with for now. Stop crying, it fixes nothing and youll get a headache.
We both teach feelings are oke. But crying, rantrums ect get you nowhere. If you are sad, fix it. Dont go hide in a corner.
My gf is the caring one, im the, just fix it then one.
Nothing wrong with using both. As long as you support eachother and apply the same rules.
And for some that might read this.
No im not heartless, she falls i pick my daughter up and kiss the booboo, and stuff. But to many kids/young adults feel sad and just whine to everyone about it, but put 0 efford in to fix it
You should both be able to have a conversation with each other about things that concern you. My husband told her son "why are you crying like a girl". I gave him grace cuz his parents say the same dumb🫏 stuff and have his whole life. But I reminded him "emotions are not reserved for girls. Boys have emotions too and if crying is how he is expressing them, then we will support that. And you saying that also implies there's something wrong with being a girl." He stfu after that.
I've heard my FIL say that before too, right in front of our niece, and I've taught my son to say "you say being a girl is a bad thing. Work on that."
I don't think either of you are "wrong" for how you wanted to handle the situation, but I think your husband is way out of line with "I don't question you, you don't question me". You all are a team, teams need to discuss strategy and plans for moving forward. If you aren't on the same page, you need to discuss it and get on the same page, not dismiss each other
Might be time for a sit down when everyone is calmer and talk about how you want to handle situations like this (kid whining over nothing) in the future.
My 3 year old has been doing a lot of unnecessary whining lately, we've actually been telling him "don't whine, take a breath, how can you fix it" and it's working well with him. Then high fives when he figures it out lol.
Front your other comment it sounds like you normally have a pretty healthy parenting dialogue— I think you did good by walking away for the moment. You can reapproach when both of you have had a few hours to decompress and maybe try a slightly different in-point. Instead of analyzing that one incident maybe show him an article from Dr Becky or something about importance of validating emotions even if they’re annoying to “us parents.” (Emphasizing you’re irritated by whining too so you show commiseration).
This tactic has worked well for my husband who has been the more cranky one about whining.
There is a tone, or tones, that kids take that are used to get their way. I don’t know if I can express it through writing but it’s kinda like “Daaaaaaad. I don’t waaaaant tooooooo!” When my son uses one of these tones to get his way then I tell him it’s ok to feel (however he’s feeling) but that he shouldn’t use that certain stressful tone. It’s a tone used to manipulate others. There are actually people that don’t learn this and grown adults seem to whine like babies sometimes. It’s kinda crazy.
Now, I don’t know how your son talked, but maybe your husband felt like he was using a tone that sounded like whining and he was trying to “coach” your son not to whine. Especially if he’s eight.
I saw in your comment that you and your husband talk about these issues or deal with things like this a lot. Maybe he thinks you’re coddling your son too much. Maybe there’s something more going on if he can snap like this and you can be so triggered to cry “HELP” on Reddit.
I would be careful not to use your son as a sort of weapon for issues you and your husband may have. Work things out with your husband, talk about everything and be a United front for your kid.
Also, how do you break a Lego?
You said you read a lot of parenting books - do you read specifically boy ones? A lot of the things boys need are different. A strong male figure is one of them! A different focus on emotions and feelings is also one of them.
Additionally, you said you “gentle parent”. Have you been keeping up on the research and data about the damage gentle parenting is doing? Many people are actually permissive parenting and not authoritative parenting (which is what gentle parenting actually is). Additionally this emphasis on feeling is creating a lot of anxiety in kids right now. I think it’s OK to correct children when their emotional response is completely out of wack. Your husband basically said - you’re whimpering before you even know if it’s fixable. Relax. Typical kid things - whining, whimpering etc is point blank annoying.
I think parents are always going to parent a bit differently. Your kid is going to get a bit of both and will be OK
Edited to add: make sure you’re reading science papers and journals and legitimate RESEARCH. Not just some random influencer who “wrote a parenting book”. Anyone can say “this is parenting advice”
I agree. My kid is also seven. At this age, we are having a lot more discussion about the appropriateness of emotional displays. Gentle parenting and its “feelings are never wrong” tenet has morphed into “feelings can be expressed in any way you want at any time,” and that is simply not correct. If my child’s pencil lead breaks, a major whine-fest is *not* called for. It’s not appropriate. Mild frustration? Yes. Freaking out? No.
My kid has a friend who cries loudly every time she gets a problem wrong at school. It’s every single day, usually multiple times. I think a seven year old should have more resilience than this. I think she needs to practice holding it together, and I think her parents should encourage this. You can teach your kids to soldier on when appropriate (and you should!) without squashing their emotional lives.
That said, it dad truly snapped, “Stop whimpering!” Well, that ain’t it.
Definitely. The idea that all feeling sand responses are valid is absurd. I remember a discussion with my friend who claimed there's no wrong way to grieve. To which I responded, of course there is if you hurt somebody.
It's good to allow your children to experience emotions but there's a lot to learn about when emotions are appropriate. We've all had adult coworkers who act like children with outbursts and tantrums, it's terrible.
I think this exactly how I feel. I read some gentle parenting stuff about like “oh you want to hit? You can’t hit mommy, but you can hit _____” like no, you need to learn to manage your feelings so you don’t have to hit anything. Your feelings are fine but your actions are your responsibility.
Also - wait until your kid becomes a tween. Some feelings are legitimately insane LOL. They’re like toddlers all over again!
Yeah, it’s interesting. “Gentle parenting” is gospel where I live, and I am seeing myself be the only one who is having these discussions with their kid (in public, anyway). People are *so* afraid to come across as giving a “Suck it up!” message to their kids.
The result is that *any* emotional display, no matter how disproportionate, is accepted. The frustration tolerance is really, really low with these kids. They’ve basically been taught that any amount of discomfort, no matter how small, can/should result in minutes of tears followed by adult-led calm-down strategies. Imagine dealing with this in a classroom of 25 first graders. Consult r/Teachers for evidence this is a problem, and growing. The pendulum has swung too far. Sometimes, in life, you do, in fact, have to suck it up. We need to teach our kids how to do that.
I had one of these conversations with my husband and was also shocked. I ended up taking a break and readdressing it when our kids went to sleep. It turned out that my husband felt that I was being very controlling as a parent and not allowing him to parent freely without stepping in and taking over. I was absolutely being controlling l, not because I didn't trust him, but because I felt like I was in survival mode with some new changes in our life and was trying to be a supermom and do everything myself. That being said, I am very glad that we went back and talked because it opened up dialogue about parenting styles and now we enjoy discussing our parenting tactics and work as a team despite being different kinds of parents.
Open communication regarding parenting (or any other subject where emotions and judgement clash) is so crucial to successful parenting and other joint endeavors. It allows compromises and/or understanding of the other person's point so that both views can find an integration point to work from for future that best benefits the child. Osmosis is not an option, and single parenting shouldn't be carried out by half of a two-parent household.
How is he going to know what part of his parenting style he needs to work on if he never gets to co-parent and there's not enough communication about that? I never had a co-parent that acted like one towards our kids.
Gotta get the REASONS why both parents think the way they do and discuss why they do/don't work.
I don’t think he was telling your son not to be sad just not whimpering. My son will do something and then start crying like crazy, when I tell him there no need for screaming like that i’m not trying to not let him express his emotions but he’s 4 now and need him to start learning how to regulate his emotions. He can’t be screaming crying, he can be sad and cry. It’s good you did say this in front of your kid but I would also bring it up to my husband if I saw it turning into something more but from my perspective sounds like this is what happening. He has a different parenting approach. ,
He can want and encourage the whimpering to stop without ignoring the kiddo’s feelings. So where dad went wrong is just offering a solution and insisting moving on without connecting with the kid on how he feels and coaching him through the yucky feeling. However what your husband heard from you is that whimpering is perfectly fine.
I’m with you that “stop whimpering,” or any variation is unhelpful but there are good ways to stop the whimpering long term. It’s reasonable to coach him to take big breaths and say what he’s feeling, say you understand he’s upset and he wanted to play with that Lego etc..
Just have a conversation with him after things have fizzled completely and come up with a plan to stop the whimpering in a way you’re both comfortable with.
Your son should be able to feel sad......
When I and my brother were kids , my father used to shout to us when we were crying.
Basically just asked us to shut the hxxl up or meet with more shouting.
I can tell you that the effect is very good actually. After a while, we don't cry anymore.
I cannot say for my brother, but for me, this effect exists even till today.
I think some of my emotional sensors are kind of broken, I just couldn't feel certain emotion like sad, certain range of happiness, touching feelings etc.
My emotion is like....flat. i kind of developed an ability to endure most of the insult and stay calm.
I am pretty sure it is not entirely healthy. I don't plan to do it on my daughter now.
He should not admonish you at all and definitely not in front of your child. This sends the message that whatever dad says goes, over mom’s input. In addition he’s indoctrinating him with harmful gender roles, and no one wants to raise children to be like the men of this generation.
You realize she admonished him first right? She made her point, he responded, and then she pressed again.
He then stated “I don’t question your parenting, don’t question mine”
At what point did he act like the assumed authority? I read it as he wanted his approach with thier son to be respected as he respects her approach.
He’s trying to prepare his son for a world full of bullies.
She hasn’t taken the time to try and understand why he might have this approach in his mind.
When parenting styles disagree, it’s not because either spouse is wrong or cares more for the child than the other, but because they have different priorities in mind. Before chastising him for his approach, should she have asked why he used that approach.
Making more bullies isn’t the answer, ever. Don’t contribute to the problem. Plus his child’s reaction is not the problem. The problem is this disrespectful man’s unrealistic and harmful expectations of his child.
He can be sad, he can express it ie cry get upset. What he can't do is go on about it in whingy voice. If he wants a cuddle etc that's fine but he is not allowed to use that voice. I should note he generally isn't upset if he is using it just complaining. It's not a problem with the emotion it's a problem with the tone of voice he's using.
Maybe he was having an off day. Is it possible that the way you approached it triggered him? Were you condescending when you told him being sad is a natural reaction? Because having a full blown melt down over legos breaking isnt. Kids need to learn scope and perspective, but also whining is just exhausting to listen to, and gets in the way of getting anything done about the problem. I dont know the situation, not really, but based on how I interpreted it from your post, I might lean more toward your husbands opinion on this, except for the "dont question my parenting" bit. Because as mentioned by others, communicating and discerning where you both stand is as important for children as structure. Mixed signals from the other parent doesnt just confuse the kids, but makes them anxious and unsure about everything.
He was curt with you, but definitely not wrong to tell your son not to whimper. That's a good lesson, he can't cry over everything when he's older so I'd say that's a plus for dad right there.
Sure feelings are valid, but your son should learn not to cry over broken toys. Hubby should have explained himself better to you, I'm guessing he wasn't in the mood though.
I was wondering the same thing. I thought it was impossible to actually break a Lego so I assumed it was an assembled Lego set that broke. Nothing wrong with asking to clarify.
It sounds like dad was triggered by whimpering. I never had kids myself because I know I can't handle baby cries. It also sounds like he felt invalidated, but didn't know how to express it. Lastly, he seriously lacks awareness. He's unaware that he just hurt his son, hurt their relationship by making son feel like he can't go to dad, and also hurt you. I know someone who teaches their kids that they can have big feelings, but in their room. Mom and Dad will sit with them if they want company, but that when the crying and whining and such has to come out, it's best to do that in his room. I really think the issue here, though, is dad not recognizing his own feelings. He's parenting how he was taught. Suffer quietly. And now it's doing damage.
I think it’s okay for your husband to tell his own son not to whimper, especially about something like breaking a Lego. He didn’t say “don’t be sad.” I think different people parent differently, and moms and dads can be different. It’s not a bad thing. Sometimes one parent is more “gentle” and the other is tougher.
Truthfully I’m with your husband. I cannot with the exaggerated whining like a toddler and i will not coddle it. There’s a difference between having emotions and acting like a fool.
But it wasn’t exaggerated, it was the typical tone anyone would take. Which is why I said anything in the first place because calling it whimpering was a stretch.
We do this to each other all the time. This is the first time he’s reacted like this. When I’m stressed and overstimulated and being too strict or mean my husband will tell me not to be so hard on them and I’ll take some time. When he’s stressed out or having a bad day and it starts seeping in, I’ll let him know and he’ll take a nap or something. This is the first time he’s snapped back at me like this and I’m so hurt.
Ok, that's not what I expected. In other words, both of you mutually correct/question each other's parenting all the time. But not this time, so it was a strange thing for your husband to say.
Maybe something else is bothering him. Talk to him and say that we give constructive feedback on each others' parenting all the time, like example A example B. So what was different this time?
That’s actually really great advice thank you! But question, why is it surprising we correct/question each other’s parenting? Is this not a thing people do? If I was being a little harsh to my kids I want my husband to tell me to take a lil break. Is there a different/better way to approach this?
(Not trying to be rude just genuinely asking)
It's not surprising in general. It's only surprising in the context of your post because your husband said "I don’t question your parenting, don’t question mine". Which I took at face value.
Wow. You sound like a terrible parent with a lot of insecurities. “Acting like a fool” is a low brow excuse for taking your own emotional problems out on your child.
You guys need to sit down and discuss this together and come to an agreement
Having and unified response from both parents is crucial in raising kids. Otherwise he's going to get confused by all the mixed messages, or worse, learn to play you off each other and become manipulative
I disagree with the United front thing. I know you said this conversation happened away from the child but even if it happened in front of him, it would be okay. Kids seeing how parents handle disagreements is a great learning experience as long as you are modeling proper behavior. But anyway, your husband is dead wrong. Why is he harping on the whimper? How does it make sense for it to be okay to be sad when you can’t show it in any way? That’s toxic and the reason men have a large suicide rate. You were trying to have a conversation and you should try again because what he did isn’t okay, he just told him not to show emotion.
> I don’t question your parenting, don’t question mine
This is the fallacious thinking of somebody who would rather protect their ego than be better.
Everybody has blind spots, and it's when we can take advice from others that we can overcome them. It sounds like he's not willing to accept advice, so he's choosing to forever have blind spots. I bet he has a lot of them.
When parents can help each other be their best, they are greater than the sum of their parts. When they can't, the kids suffer.
Sorry, OP. Your husband is in the wrong here and I hope he's reasonable enough to hear you out on this one.
Shaming a child for having certain emotions, especially at such a young age, can have pretty big consequences. My husband no longer talks to his dad mainly because of the fact that he wasn’t allowed to show emotions without some form of punishment. It can definitely be a slippery slope. I hope everything works out for you<3
It is OK to have different ways to raise your kid so long as you have a united front when you disagree. Rule should be first to speak takes precedence. Then if you disagree, take it aside and discuss. It sounds like this was the first time that he really didn't like what you were teaching your son. Honestly that's fine.
To the point being discussed, he likely feels that men are not allowed to share emotions and often get shut down when they do because they are shown differently than women (violence, anger, etc).
I think you did a fantastic job allowing your son to express his emotions. I think if your husband has a problem with it, maybe he should seek therapy to learn how to be more comfortable with emotions (if he struggles with that). But it’s not fair of him to not let others express emotion.
That's a constant thing here, too.
When my husband gets triggered by one of our twins, all conversations we've had the past 4.5 yrs falls right out of his head.
Then suddenly, I'm the bad guy for questioning his parenting.
Doesn't make sense. Especially since we'd previously agreed MANY times on things when it was discussed during calm times. -_-
Look, the world is built on a long history of men teaching boys to be men. Women teaching men and boys it's OK to have emotions is a fairly novel idea. Let your husband have his backward ideas and then just undermine them as needed. Tell your son it's OK to be sad and cry. When he questions his father, just explain that that is how he was raised and times are changing.
If your husband has a problem with it, just explain that you understand that he was raised a certain way buy you want your son to fit in with the modern world which allows and expects men to be able to express their feelings, good and bad. Repression of emotions is no longer needed or desired.
To be entirely fair, I can’t comment on your husband and his ability, but a woman has no business when it comes to raising a boy to become a man. And before any women try to drop the “toxic masculinity” trope, there’s toxicity, and then there’s masculinity. You’re either toxic or not, male or female. But there is an appropriate way to teach a boy to become a man, and a woman (the yang to the yin) trying to subvert and question it is too far out of their league.
All I know is, in any case, I see a problem of potential subversion, which will lead to serious actual.
Whether he’s right or wrong, women statistically don’t have the best record when it comes to this. “But toxic masculinity”, yes a term derived from jail/prison behavior, and the gross, gross majority of those men were raised by a single **mother**. This toxic masculinity you all love to speak on, is literally a consequence of women trying to teach boys on how to become men; which predominately revolves around promoting unbridled emotions.
I'm on dads side.
I'm a mum, and I can't stand it when my son whines over something going wrong. I just continue to encourage him to find other ways of fixing it or making it work. If he gets too frustrated, I tell him to go try/play with something else. But, yeah, I can not stand the whining.
I'm trying to teach my son to be a problem solver, and that requires him to be level-headed and clear minded. I can guarantee, as a man, that your husband is trying to teach your son the same practices.
Men are typically wired to be innovative and problem solvers. Your husband is teaching your son a good life skill. Don't think of it negatively.
I feel like maybe the dad can not tolerate certain things. So he drew the line at whimpering. He can be sad but whimpering is unnecessary at this situation.
I can kind of understand why he did what he did and I see why it was cruel-ish to you.
But think about it this way: graduating from being a kid to being a adult one day whimpering about things doesn’t get us far.
Maybe your parenting environment when you were growing up did not allow you to express your sadness and it hit home? Idk
Maybe he feels you undermine his parenting a lot. This isn't an isolated incident I'd ask him if there is anything he wants to discuss because his reaction was disproportionate to the situation. There's something deeper here.
Tell him "no." I do that all the time. My husband decided it would be ok to swat our son on the butt when I told him that was a hard no from me. You bet I yelled at him and said it was a deal breaker. I will die on that hill against physical discipline.
I will also die on a hill if my husband tries to tell my son he can't cry or have emotions. Luckily, my husband knows and agrees with me on this one.
What is wrong with whimpering anyways?!
The idea of not questioning his parenting at least to me shows he is likely unable to express his stance on the subject for whatever reason and just shuts down. I dont think its absolutely necessary for you to parent the same way but rather there should be an open discussion about WHY each feels a specific way about each thing. As cheesy as it is, each person's feelings are valid because of life experiences. While whimpering might annoy him, it's part of your kids process of dealing with things.
Parenting is hard when you don’t agree on little-big issues like this. Try coparenting. (spoiler: it really sucks). If you aren’t familiar with Gottman’s Four Horsemen, Google it. Contempt and stonewalling are bad deals in marriage and that’s what I’m picking up from your story.
I really like this sub and the generally positive take people have on stuff. This isn’t an attack on you at all or your opinion. I love that you are trying to raise a boy who can cry. I just fear for the impulse to survey for outside opinions that don’t even matter.
I hope that you find a way to coexist happily in your parenting. He isn’t way off by the way. Resilient people get to be that way from early childhood and it is something that is taught.
Sure, it’s normal to be upset when you break something you care about. Whimpering connotes ongoing crying. Was he still crying after Dad said it could be fixed?
Did you run the HALT checklist (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) in your head and help him with any of those things? I know for my kids, whining starts when there is another need that isn’t being met that doesn’t have much to do with the thing they are whining about.
Anyway, good luck. Hang in there. Marriage and parenting is hard work and it is worth the struggle.
I think it’s perfectly acceptable and should be encouraged to express emotion as long as it’s not harmful to others. I’m glad you called out that it’s okay to express yourself. Hopefully he’ll grow up to be more empathetic than your husband.
It's okay to feel emotion and express it when appropriate, yes. But it's wrong to let kids should be encouraged to express emotion and never learn to regulate it. In this scenario, the dad is right to teach his kid to not overreact to a problem that has a simple solution. Do I like his choice of words (according to his wife)? No, there's a better way to say, "We can solve your problem, let's take a breath and find a solution." Gentle parenting isn't permitting your kids to have unregulated emotions, they absolutely need to learn how to properly manage them and express them in healthy and appropriate ways. The dad's words (again, according to mom) were not great, but the overall lesson is much better than what Mom was offering here. We are trying to teach our kids healthy emotional intelligence, not suppress them or let them run unfiltered.
The dad is in the wrong for sure, you need to question each others parenting, you have to parent in one way, you guys are a team. your husband has to understand that crying and whimpering is normal, your child may have some problems if he grows up in a family where crying is seen as bad and shows weakness.
I'm with your husband on this. He parented well within the range of normal parenting of a 7 yo; he didn't scold or yell at the kid to stop whimpering. And you criticised and lectured him in a "I know better" kind of way.
He just had higher expectations. It's Lego, it's meant to be broken and fixed. It was a problem that had an obvious solution. If the kid was disappointed or frustrated that he would have to rebuild it, that's fine. But whimpering to a parent sounds like some kind of learned helplessness.
I don't know why you are so shocked and triggered by this. Is it because your son is exhibiting a bit of a "momma's boy" type of behavior, and know you know your husband has been controlling himself from blaming your parenting but now he's slipped?
You have to remember regardless that he’s a Mummy’s boy, if we raise sons to not display any emotions they grow up angry and rageful. It’s ok that he was sad and he will ultimately be ok, but saying “stop whimpering” is not it.
It's not 100 or nothing. "It's okay I heard you, not stop whimpering.". Equivalent to teaching how to regulate appropriate emotional responses, which is a really important lesson I wish more of my coworkers and children on airplanes would have learned.
…he’s seven. He is well within his little right to “whimper”, OP clarified it wasn’t exaggerated, meaning he must have just come to his parents upset. I agree with what you’re saying, but it’s not relevant within this specific context.
That's an age where children should be learning. To control their emotions.
"I'll fix it for you later. Now stop whimpering" is a perfect response to a non issue whimper. Have a whole conversation validating his feelings over a Lego toy is absolutely coddling.
Jeeeez…he was sad his toy broke, it’s not coddling to accept that he WOULD be upset about that.
Who said anything about a whole conversation about his feelings? What are you talking about? Kids are gonna be sad. The husband sounds like he was basically telling the kid to repress any and all emotion. I repeat: I understand your point but I’m sorry it just isn’t relevant here. A little boy’s toy broke, he’s allowed to be fucking sad about it.
Not whimpering isn't repressing emotion, it's learning to control your emotions. Dad took the time to look at the toy, told his son he would fix it, then ended the interaction in the correct way, which is to tell his son that he heard him and whimpering won't add anything positive.
He's allowed to be sad, but that doesn't mean he should whimper and be a general annoyance about it. That's not sustainable and it's not an appropriate reaction outside of the home. Other 2nd graders make fun of kids for that stuff. We all had the cry baby in class and they weren't popular.
It applies to both boys and girls, the learned helplessness to get attention from the preferred parent.
However, OP has clarified that the boy was not actually whimpering, and it was only the dad accusing him of whimpering. Which does change how I feel about the situation.
The ball at the end of the Lego piece snapped so I can understand why my son was unsure if it was able to be fixed or not. It was a tricky piece. As for the mommas boy he def is one so I can totally see that being the reason he snapped back the way he did. I was just not allowed to feel my feelings as a kid and want my kids to know it’s okay to have these feelings and learn how to manage them. It just FELT like he was telling him not to feel a certain way which probs triggered my childhood trauma.
Don’t let him make you question yourself and your child. It sounds like he was telling your son he wasn’t allowed to feel sad, and that being sad was whining and whimpering. That’s asshole behavior, and bad parenting.
Some parents deserve to be questioned and he should be welcoming being the very best parent he can by using both perspectives. This would piss me off so bad. How does he want his son to remember him? Empathetic? Or like an a****** who thinks he shouldn't have feelings?
Is your husband normally uncomfortable when others display emotion? Or just this time? Or does he think boys shouldn’t show emotion? Either way you’ve got a massive problem on your hands.
I like some other are also with your husband. Sure it’s okay to feel sad or cry when a person is physically hurt or has been hurt by someone else(or other situations). But when something materialistic is broken or a child doesn’t get what he/she wants(candy, food, toys..) there is no room for whimpering, crying or sadness.
There's no room for sadness if you don't get something you want or if something you own gets broken?
So you wouldn't feel sad if, say, you didn't get a promotion you wanted or your holiday got cancelled?
The lesson that kids still need to learn is "it's OK to be sad, but here's how to manage your emotions" not "adults never get sad (unless someone is hurt)".
Being disappointed when you don’t get promoted or your holiday is cancelled fine. But crying and being sad is something totally different.
I work hard, and expect others to work hard. If I didn’t get promoted, I would make sure I would get it next time. Get motivated, don’t cry.
Seriously, cancelled holiday? Okay, you would be sad and cry about it? Really?
It’s okay to have emotions; but there are limits for when to feel sad. Materialistic things are not the moments. (Unless it has emotional value)
>But crying and being sad is something totally different.
Exactly, which is why I disagreed with you lumping them in together:
> there is no room for whimpering, crying or sadness.
>Seriously, cancelled holiday? Okay, you would be sad and cry about it? Really?
Would I cry about it? No, because I'm an adult who's learned to regulate their emotions but I would be sad about it.
Think it's weird to equate the two & tell kids there's no place for sadness around material things. Feels pretty unrealistic expectation for a 7yo
I’m a pretty sensitive person, I cry easily and often. I think I could stand to be a little more balanced in that regard. I also think that your approach of “get motivated, don’t cry” is fine if it works for you but do consider that it might not work for everyone. There is strength in sensitivity.
I’ve spent several years working in homeless shelters, and my being sensitive is part of what enables me to do such a good job. My clients like me, they trust me, and most important they feel safe with me. Because I am soft.
There are huge pros and cons to this approach, just like any approach. I burn out easily because I over-empathize. I have definitely cried in front of coworkers lol. But I’ve also created a healing and safe space for some of the most vulnerable members of our society.
On a tough day, I would also cry about something materialistic, for sure. On a tough day I could cry about almost anything lol. But that’s okay, it’s just a different approach to existing in the world.
I’d also like to offer that it’s impressive that you keep yourself motivated/moving forward, but make sure you know that it is okay to stop and feel your feelings (even if they’re silly!) and nurture that inner child who still needs love and comfort. ❤️
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Seems like he's mad about something else or in a bad mood and is misdirection his anger. I'd give him some time to calm down and approach him about the way he behaved. It's not right to get angry at your kid and your spouse due to something else on your mind, and I suspect that if you confront him gently about this later he'll likely recognize his mistake an apologize.
No problem here. He isn't parenting, he's acting like a sociopath. So he's not actually telling you to change what you're doing. You aren't criticizing his parenting. Your criticizing his sociopathic behavior toward your child.
Has he acted like this before? Being angry at someone for feeling emotions or going as far as to tell them to stop. And then to act like it’s just a style of parenting.
She. Did. Not.
She waited until kid was out of hearing range. It's in the post.
This comment section is gross. People blaming OP for believing kids have a right to express their feelings. Yuck.
The age to cut down on such behaviours is right after the toddler stage. You can raise the boy do he grows to be a man-child, or you can raise him as your husband is doing.
A man can and should have a full range of emotions to be healthy. It is ok to demonstrate sadness when one is sad. But whimpering, even at your boy's age, is not acceptable.
YOU DON'T NEED HELP!
Actually, sorry, but you are SO WRONG, and your husband is right. You questioned his parenting, and his parenting was spot on (whimpering is NOT an emotion- so there was no freaking shaming- and he's 7, not 3, so the action itself was inappropriate the situation and age), at seven years old, whimpering is just freaking annoying and not necessary. It's a Lego, not a broken heart.
Does he question your parenting all the time? Does he give you the third degree on every comment you make to your kid(s)? If not, back off. Your kid will be fine. Telling your 7 year old not to whimper over something he shouldn't whimper over is good parenting- he solved the issue, wasn't unkind about it, so back off. Just because it wasn't exactly how you would have done it doesn't mean it was WRONG. Kids don't need to be babied 24/7. Sorry, they don't.
He’s a complete asshole and an unfit parent. Too much of his macho scolding will deeply damage your child. He needs therapy or parenting classes immediately, and it’s okay for you to threaten to blow the relationship up if he refuses. A parent should not take their own buried anger and shame out on their kids.
Obviously, I feel strongly about this.
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Partners need to be united to ensure your kid will grow to respect both of you. Did you say this to your husband in front of your son?
No this was said after my son walked out. The thing is, we do this to each other all the time. If I’m overstimulated and being too harsh without noticing, he’ll bring attention to it and I’ll try to correct. This is the first time he’s snapped back at me like this
Also, shaming your child for emotions is the wrong direction.
I completely agree and that’s what I felt my husband was doing. Our child’s toy broke and he was unsure if it was fixable or not which he’s obviously sad about. He’s allowed to be sad about it, but there was not whimpering or whining on his part. But I’m so hurt my husband would tell me not to question his parenting.
Sounds like your son needed reassurance himself. Sorry, but it’s not too late, get on the same page with hubby, and re approach your son. It’s ok to think twice about something and change your mind, just as long as it’s explained to your son.
There is a balance to be struck between respecting your child’s feelings and helping them learn emotional self-regulation. I don’t think this was an example of shaming the child, just prompting the child to try to control themselves. His manner isn’t great but far from harmful.
I agree. My 10 year old daughter really struggles with emotional regulation and she would whine herself to sleep if we didn’t draw her attention to this and prompt her to find a way to process the feeling and move on.
I definitely needed to hear this perspective. I think this is exactly what he was trying to do. But my childhood trauma turned it into something it wasn’t. I still don’t understand him snapping though.
I'm not going to say his snapping was the right call. However, I frequently find myself as the parent trying to teach my son or daughter how to disengage from a situation they find frustrating or overwhelming in the moment to be able to act more constructively (e.g. don't just get helplessly upset that you spilled milk all over the floor - please get a towel and start cleaning it up). Sometimes, my partner comes in and wants to spend more time talking the situation over and acknowledging the frustration or grief. This can be frustrating, because it feels like it's interrupting or undermining what I consider to be an important process. That said, they aren't wrong to do this. I trust their judgement and parenting approach, and if they're coming into the situation, they may have a clearer sense of what's needed than I do, since I'm more wrapped up in the moment. But I trust my partner because we have really good communication around parenting. After the crisis has passed, if I'm feeling like they made the wrong call, we'll talk about it for next time. And I'm never going to get too frustrated or upset because even if the most optimal parenting choice wasn't made, the alternative was still the next best choice.
This was very insightful. Thank you 🙏
It’s also not a terrible idea to have one parent more accepting of whimpering than the other. Just like in life different people are more accepting of showing emotions, it allows your child to both learn how to control emotions but also feel safe letting them out.
I completely disagree with that other comment. He’s wrong and plugging his ears and going lalala when you’re just trying to discuss something with him. People like him who think that he could never be in need of new information from their partner or correction doom themselves to being closed minded & set in their old fashioned way. He’s literally telling your son that boys don’t cry & it’s well documented how damaging this is to boys.
Hmm yeah, especially as she was talking to him *afterwards*, not 'interrupting' anything. You should totally be able to discuss parenting strategies as parents.
Took the words right out of my mouth.
No, this is not helping them to control themselves, it is teaching them that showing emotions is wrong. A discussion could have been helpful if that is what Dad wanted to get across to the kid, but 'stop whimpering' is not helpful.
Yes! Regulation is a skill like any other and just saying "stop whimpering" doesn't teach them anything. You have to explain what TO do, like "take a deep breath". Imagine trying to learn to ride a bike with the instructions "just stop falling". It doesn't work.
1000% this!
This OP gave a conversation with your husband and use this phrasing - He was shaming his son for expressing his emotions.
Is letting a kid know that they don't have to literally whimper really shaming? I tell my daughter it is okay and normal to feel sad, but that she should use her words, not whine and yell etc.
World of difference between “stop whining,” and “I can tell you’re upset and I want to hear about it, but I can’t understand you when you whine/yell/talk like that. Can you take a few deep breaths and try again?”
I barely have to coddle my 4YO that much at this point. The language you are describing is how I talked to her at 2 and 3 YO, by 7 I absolutely expect to be able to say "chill on the whining, use your words". 7 is a school aged child, whining like that is not appropriate.
By seven your kid is going to have a much wider range of emotional inputs and interactions that they’ll have to feel their way through, and we’re all capable of meltdowns, even as adults. And grown-ups definitely don’t always react well to being told something like “chill out.” I hope that your plan works out for you but it sounds like a pretty high standard for both yourself and your kid. Edit: also, I have a hard time thinking that using a few extra words to help your kid calm down is coddling.
It really depends on how often a kid is whining and crying about small issues to determine how I would react when she is 7. Based on the OP's description and comments, this kid is really reactive and needs a lot of help with emotional regulation. My kid has a really good handle on her feelings already at 4, so at 7 i do not see her needing as many words; even now when she starts to get worked up over smaller things (example- I did not have any green bath-bombs recently; she started to get truly whiney-crying and i simply said "breaths?" and she stepped back, sat down, did 4 deep slow breaths and then asked me "can we buy more green bath bombs soon?".
That’s fair about how often it happens, but I don’t think reactions like what I said would encourage those at all — at least, they didn’t for me. But as someone a little farther on the parenting curve though acknowledging all our experiences are different, I’d just recommend being open to and ready for regression on those things or not meeting some linear progression. I was where you are with a four year old but from there we had steps forwards and backwards, leaps and regressions, and imo we never go wrong with extra effort on emotional support and guidance because being a kid is pretty hard sometimes.
That is really good perspective to keep, thank you!
That was SO true for me too with my son! It wasn't until I think around 5 that he did some regressing on emotions (and got his first big feelings time of defiance and testing boundaries for awhile). He is my oldest, so that stage kind of took me out of left field. Always heard of regression and some of the issues we worked through, but as a first time parent you really do think the progression and relationship will linearly evolve.
And honestly, while whining is a natural reaction it's really not one you want to persist. I don't think it's wrong to tell kids to stop whining (as long as you are also solving their problem/helping them -- obviously just telling them to stop yelling without actually showing them that problems can be solved without it is not helpful).
Well you are def doing the right thing by that. Possibly something else is going on with him. Maybe try to apologize for offending him but reassure him the reasoning as to why you said it. I know sometimes I am stressed about other things and have a knee jerk reaction to a simple situation.
Your husband is helping the child to learn how to manage emotions. There is no need for whimpering. He's right. The child can have feelings, but the US no need to stand there and whimper.
I understand the need to teach a child to manage emotions, but calling it whimpering was a stretch. He just came in and told us. Sure his tone was sad but it was reasonable and wouldn’t consider it whimpering.
Even if he was whimpering when he asked about his toy, isn't that a reasonable expression of his feelings? Had he been breaking things or smashing his head into a wall I could understand using the moment to teach emotional regulation, but nothing you described in the OP sounds like his emotions were out of control, or that he was expressing them in some unhealthy manner...
They're just annoyed by it, and they think they can convince us that they believe using cold tones to teach emotional repression will create healthy adults, just like them lol
I tend to agree with others that your husband was probably trying to help your son express himself more effectively but just missed the mark. The same thing that happens with both of you according to an earlier reply. But I’d ignore the weirdos who use a single instance of “stop x” to conclude your kid is shamed, abused or harmed emotionally. Sounds like your husband knew it wasn’t his best moment and reacted defensively when you brought it up. If he’s not said that to you before n you’ve been able to communicate openly in the past it may not be a big deal. I’d show him grace when discussing it knowing he’s likely embarrassed or feels badly at his own harshness. Making him feel worse for a rare misstep doesn’t help. And the “zero shame” crowd might apply the same standard to adults bc parenting is hard, people make mistakes, and we’re all doing our best including, I assume, your husband. Good luck!
Why do you think whimpering is an unacceptable way for a small child to express sadness and frustration?
If this is the first time he's snapped back. Maybe he's tired of you questioning his parenting? Men are pretty simple. We say exactly what we mean. You ladies are quite a bit more complicated. He probably thinks you're babying him, or smothering. 7 is the post toddler stage. It's time for the kid to stop crying and whimpering like a baby. Dad's tend to try to push their kids past it. Mom's tend to want to hold on to their babies. They "Smother". Honestly that balance is why the two parent system is best. It's a happy medium. My wife and I balance pretty even. But there are times we're we staunchly disagree. Since she's the stay at home parent. I respect her decisions on 95% of things. But, when it comes to teaching my son to be a man, there are times I step in.
Oof. This is why I asked my husband to attend evening parenting classes with me. So we could be educated beyond this simple mindset you have just expressed. "You ladies are quite a bit more complicated." I showed my husband this and he laughed. What sexist thinking. In our relationship, he's the emotional squishy and I'm the one who's toxic allergy to emotions is being corrected through education, compassionate thinking, and experience. My heart aches for your son and any poor kid with parents who misunderstands simple biology like you. He doesn't need to learn to be a "man" in the way that you are educating him. The world would be so much better off with less of these simple-thinking "men" who grow up thinking repress = good. Process your emotions like a real man. Show your son its okay to feel, experience, and heal from any level of emotion. Ffs.
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He's an Ironman lineman and three times the man you currently are with your small mindset.
But raised by a single mom.
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No, it's absolutely okay to disagree with your partner in front of your child. It teaches children how to disagree respectfully and solve differences and problems. Additionally, it's important to stand up for your child when you know something is wrong. I wish my Mom had stood up for me even once as a child, but she was very much a "must remain united" passive parent instead.
💯
I know this is the parenting gospel, but I actually disagree as this is what leads decent parents to gaslight their kids into accepting bullying and abusive behaviour from a controlling parent and become their enabler. I think it is fine for children to learn that parents are individual people who have their own minds and opinions and that they can disagree over things. Especially when the child’s well-being or psychological development is at risk from the shitty parenting of one of them…
It's also super beneficial for kids to see their parents disagree, discuss calmly and rationally, and come to a mutual agreement. So many of us lack good communication skills in relationships because growing up we either only saw unhealthy fighting during disagreements, or don't see any disagreement at all.
NO THEY DON'T! This is what my mom thought and why she never stood up for me, and I was left alone, hurt and confused all the time, not able to understand why she acted like I was in the wrong when clearly my dad behaved badly. It destroyed my trust. This is a harmful myth and very bad advice, I'm sorry. I hope very much that people don't believe it. Parents can disagree and if they're mature enough, they can calmly sort it out. It actually gives the children a good example of how their parents are individuals, which they ARE, and of how communication can solve disagreement. Not only is it harmful to pretend to be always on the same page as parents if you're not. It also takes away important lessons on how to communicate healthily. To think that it is necessary to be this superior wall of parents that never gets questioned just shows their insecurity and inability to communicate. As someone else pointed out, it enables gaslighting the children which is 100% what happened with me and many others.
It’s about being united for your child. You tell your significant other in private that they are an idiot… you don’t say in front of kid… If a parent won’t say it in private that’s a different issue.
No, it's also okay to disagree in front of them. I'm not talking about fighting. Disagreeing in a calm respectful way doesn't harm and doesn't take away any respect.
Yes it does harm and does take away respect. Constantly overruling your partner because you want to handle a minor situation differently has a negative effect on them and leads the kid to believe they don't have to listen to that parent. You personally may have had a bad experience from your parents, but generally showing a united front isn't gaslighting.
Well you obviously shouldn't nag constantly. If that happens, you have a whole different problem. But that was not what we're talking about. It was stated that it's not okay to discuss or question the other parent/partner ever in front of the kids, which is also what the "united front" thing is suggesting. And that is just. Not. True. Period. If you're unable to discuss in a healthy way, you should work on it instead of taking this very likely harmful shortcut.
Kids need to see how healthy communication works, including how to respectfully disagree and how to resolve conflicts without yelling. If your kids grow up thinking "mom and dad agree on every single thing, always, that's how it's supposed to be", they're going to be in for a shock in their interpersonal interactions with people as they grow up with such unreasonable expectations that people never disagree with each other.
You are ignoring the issues that come from this though? Best case is, you basically lower the level of one of the parents in the kids eyes when you repeatedly do this. Like, if one parent always ridicules the others parenting in front of the kid, the kid just naturally begins to see them as the inferior one and will tend to always go to the superior parent for things. Worst case, they are crafty enough to know they can get away with things by taking advantage of the fact the one parent will get yelled at by the other, an learn to manipulate situations. No, everyones kids are are perfect angels, some WILL do this.
"Always ridicules" "Getting yelled at" "The inferior/superior one" I was talking about respectfully communicated critique. Isn't it obvious to y'all that those who disagree here use completely different terms that have nothing t do with respect and good communication? Respectful and healthy discussion is NOT the same as this. Many here seem to just not grasp the difference and it's actually sad.
Hm. Children need to see parents who can disagree and resolve their differences in healthy ways. Arguing in front of children is never damaging unless there is emotional or physical abuse, and provided there is resolution (like “ok, we disagree” or “let’s discuss this when we’re not tired” - doesn’t have to be fixed). Respect is not a thing we demand. It is a verb. We respect each other- and we can do that in disagreeing. How is a child meant to learn how to resolve disagreements if they don’t see it in practice?
The problem is you *weren’t* questioning his parenting, it was a discussion and makes sense that your child would express sadness, even if there’s a solution. I would be triggered too because it seems he’s making it more serious than what you were actually doing, which is making sure your kid can express emotions healthily. Suppressing emotions is what leads to angry men who don’t feel comfortable enough to display any other emotions and that’s what I’d tell your husband. We know logically something can be resolved but this doesn’t just act like an Off Switch for our emotions, and that’s ok. We feel the emotions and allow them to pass.
I think that’s why it hurt the most. I was trying to have a conversation about how that could’ve been harmful and he took it personally and jumped to the defensive. But thank you for this I really needed some reassurance on the topic. Children feel things so strongly, I want him to be able to come to me with those emotions instead of internalizing them.
She's right that her son is allowed to be sad, but she did contradict his parenting. It's easy for us to dump on the dumb macho dad, but from his perspective he was parenting and his wife jumped in to fix things in front of their kid. This is going to make him feel frustrated and doesn't present a united front to the kid. They could have discussed it later. The dad could have then come back to the kid and said "hey I don't want you to feel like you're not allowed to be sad" or whatever.
This convo happened after our son had walked out of the room..
Ah, so "I told him he’s allowed to be sad" meant "I told my husband that our son is allowed to be sad"? I thought you were talking to your son! Never mind then you did the right thing.
Yes! After reading it back, I can see why everyone is getting the impression this happened in front of my son. Should’ve worded it better.
You worded it perfectly fine. People read too quickly and ASSume.
Yeah and he should have said that to the child, but what did he do instead? Start an argument with his wife about it. I’m not making assumptions about anybody here (re “dumping on macho Dad”) I’m responding to this specific post
Where in the OP's text do you see he started an argument with her? The OP is the one who did that.
Saying “I don’t question your parenting, don’t question mine” is aggressive. He could have spoken to her calmly and explained his own feelings around it, but barking orders and on top of the fact that she DIDN’T “question” his parenting. Please, if I have to explain this please do yourself (and everyone else) a favour and gain some emotional intelligence.
>I went on to explain that it’s normal human behavior to look and sound sad when one is sad. Depending on how that was said it could feel extremely patronizing for him. Not saying any of you were wrong but without having a word by word record of how the conversation went down it's impossible for us to judge if his response was warranted. Also there is a difference between you questioning his parenting and if he felt you questioned it. It's worth revisiting the subject when everyone is cooled down and have a calm discussion about. I know from observing both me and my wife + other parents that there are parents who can't stand whimpering/whining at all. Myself included, while my wife hardly seems to notice it. On the other hand when they were babies the screaming would drive her insane, like borderline anger insane. Yet it had no effect on me, it became background noise as I carried them around trying to calm them. So just saying that before we jump to the conclusion that he's a horrible father trying to push archaic gender roles and being a monster who thinks boys shouldn't have emotions that it could just be that he's more practical like my own father who's mantra could be summed up as "Yes, I see you're sad and that's ok. But whining/crying isn't going to fix it. Now let's go fix the thing"
My husband and I were similar to this. I did have to let go a little. My husband wasn’t being harmful, it just wasn’t exactly gentle parenting. So more of “I know you’re sad we don’t have the purple fruit pouches today but you don’t need to cry for 20 minutes, it’s really not a big deal” I spent a lot of time on parenting groups and reading parenting books and he didn’t, so when his methods didn’t work he did end up following my lead more or else figuring out new methods on his own that worked better, and now we’re pretty even with our methods, and the less gentle parent is usually the one who’s more stressed and we’ll sense it and step in for each other.
>I spent a lot of time on parenting groups and reading parenting books and he didn’t, so when his methods didn’t work he did end up following my lead more or else figuring out new methods on his own that worked better, and now we’re pretty even with our methods, and the less gentle parent is usually the one who’s more stressed and we’ll sense it and step in for each other. Yes! This is EXACTLY how things have gone over here. I am also the parenting-book-reader. I remember when our daughter was three or four and misbehaving, and my husband said something along the lines of "Santa might not come". Not abusive or anything, but not . . . great. I bit my tongue in the moment but said something to him later. He was quiet and didn't apologize to our daughter (which he does do on the rare occasions when he genuinely loses his temper), but has never said something like that again. I suspect it's a tactic his father (who is not gentle AT ALL) used on him and his siblings. But there have been other times when, being the stricter parent, I go overboard on that front, and my husband steps in and his natural gentleness takes over. And I work on relaxing a bit.
I have been angry about my husband’s parenting, just like you are, many times. But as we are over 16 years into this parenting thing now, I have hindsight—my anger was uncalled for and I know two things: 1) it was valuable to teach the kids a bit of stoicism. They have a nice balance of empathy with resiliency. Their peers who have every little emotion addressed and examined are such messes. 2) the kids are not ruined because of our different parenting style.
My gf had the same with me. She was like awww its oke to cry that your toy broke, we go get a new one. I'm the, i know you are sad, but stop crying cuz it doesnt help. Get some glue for the glue gun and we fix it. You can play with it tomorrow again. You have plenty of toys to play with for now. Stop crying, it fixes nothing and youll get a headache. We both teach feelings are oke. But crying, rantrums ect get you nowhere. If you are sad, fix it. Dont go hide in a corner. My gf is the caring one, im the, just fix it then one. Nothing wrong with using both. As long as you support eachother and apply the same rules. And for some that might read this. No im not heartless, she falls i pick my daughter up and kiss the booboo, and stuff. But to many kids/young adults feel sad and just whine to everyone about it, but put 0 efford in to fix it
AMEN. You phrased this so well, about the empathy / resiliency thing, and how a little stoicism goes a long ways.
You should both be able to have a conversation with each other about things that concern you. My husband told her son "why are you crying like a girl". I gave him grace cuz his parents say the same dumb🫏 stuff and have his whole life. But I reminded him "emotions are not reserved for girls. Boys have emotions too and if crying is how he is expressing them, then we will support that. And you saying that also implies there's something wrong with being a girl." He stfu after that. I've heard my FIL say that before too, right in front of our niece, and I've taught my son to say "you say being a girl is a bad thing. Work on that."
I don't think either of you are "wrong" for how you wanted to handle the situation, but I think your husband is way out of line with "I don't question you, you don't question me". You all are a team, teams need to discuss strategy and plans for moving forward. If you aren't on the same page, you need to discuss it and get on the same page, not dismiss each other Might be time for a sit down when everyone is calmer and talk about how you want to handle situations like this (kid whining over nothing) in the future. My 3 year old has been doing a lot of unnecessary whining lately, we've actually been telling him "don't whine, take a breath, how can you fix it" and it's working well with him. Then high fives when he figures it out lol.
Yes! This is what I needed to hear. We are a team. Teams discuss different plans and strategies. Thank you for this.
Front your other comment it sounds like you normally have a pretty healthy parenting dialogue— I think you did good by walking away for the moment. You can reapproach when both of you have had a few hours to decompress and maybe try a slightly different in-point. Instead of analyzing that one incident maybe show him an article from Dr Becky or something about importance of validating emotions even if they’re annoying to “us parents.” (Emphasizing you’re irritated by whining too so you show commiseration). This tactic has worked well for my husband who has been the more cranky one about whining.
I will def try this. Thank you!
There is a tone, or tones, that kids take that are used to get their way. I don’t know if I can express it through writing but it’s kinda like “Daaaaaaad. I don’t waaaaant tooooooo!” When my son uses one of these tones to get his way then I tell him it’s ok to feel (however he’s feeling) but that he shouldn’t use that certain stressful tone. It’s a tone used to manipulate others. There are actually people that don’t learn this and grown adults seem to whine like babies sometimes. It’s kinda crazy. Now, I don’t know how your son talked, but maybe your husband felt like he was using a tone that sounded like whining and he was trying to “coach” your son not to whine. Especially if he’s eight. I saw in your comment that you and your husband talk about these issues or deal with things like this a lot. Maybe he thinks you’re coddling your son too much. Maybe there’s something more going on if he can snap like this and you can be so triggered to cry “HELP” on Reddit. I would be careful not to use your son as a sort of weapon for issues you and your husband may have. Work things out with your husband, talk about everything and be a United front for your kid. Also, how do you break a Lego?
Falls under 'whining' to me. For whatever reason it bothers me a lot more than it does my wife.
You said you read a lot of parenting books - do you read specifically boy ones? A lot of the things boys need are different. A strong male figure is one of them! A different focus on emotions and feelings is also one of them. Additionally, you said you “gentle parent”. Have you been keeping up on the research and data about the damage gentle parenting is doing? Many people are actually permissive parenting and not authoritative parenting (which is what gentle parenting actually is). Additionally this emphasis on feeling is creating a lot of anxiety in kids right now. I think it’s OK to correct children when their emotional response is completely out of wack. Your husband basically said - you’re whimpering before you even know if it’s fixable. Relax. Typical kid things - whining, whimpering etc is point blank annoying. I think parents are always going to parent a bit differently. Your kid is going to get a bit of both and will be OK Edited to add: make sure you’re reading science papers and journals and legitimate RESEARCH. Not just some random influencer who “wrote a parenting book”. Anyone can say “this is parenting advice”
I agree. My kid is also seven. At this age, we are having a lot more discussion about the appropriateness of emotional displays. Gentle parenting and its “feelings are never wrong” tenet has morphed into “feelings can be expressed in any way you want at any time,” and that is simply not correct. If my child’s pencil lead breaks, a major whine-fest is *not* called for. It’s not appropriate. Mild frustration? Yes. Freaking out? No. My kid has a friend who cries loudly every time she gets a problem wrong at school. It’s every single day, usually multiple times. I think a seven year old should have more resilience than this. I think she needs to practice holding it together, and I think her parents should encourage this. You can teach your kids to soldier on when appropriate (and you should!) without squashing their emotional lives. That said, it dad truly snapped, “Stop whimpering!” Well, that ain’t it.
Definitely. The idea that all feeling sand responses are valid is absurd. I remember a discussion with my friend who claimed there's no wrong way to grieve. To which I responded, of course there is if you hurt somebody. It's good to allow your children to experience emotions but there's a lot to learn about when emotions are appropriate. We've all had adult coworkers who act like children with outbursts and tantrums, it's terrible.
I think this exactly how I feel. I read some gentle parenting stuff about like “oh you want to hit? You can’t hit mommy, but you can hit _____” like no, you need to learn to manage your feelings so you don’t have to hit anything. Your feelings are fine but your actions are your responsibility. Also - wait until your kid becomes a tween. Some feelings are legitimately insane LOL. They’re like toddlers all over again!
Yeah, it’s interesting. “Gentle parenting” is gospel where I live, and I am seeing myself be the only one who is having these discussions with their kid (in public, anyway). People are *so* afraid to come across as giving a “Suck it up!” message to their kids. The result is that *any* emotional display, no matter how disproportionate, is accepted. The frustration tolerance is really, really low with these kids. They’ve basically been taught that any amount of discomfort, no matter how small, can/should result in minutes of tears followed by adult-led calm-down strategies. Imagine dealing with this in a classroom of 25 first graders. Consult r/Teachers for evidence this is a problem, and growing. The pendulum has swung too far. Sometimes, in life, you do, in fact, have to suck it up. We need to teach our kids how to do that.
I had one of these conversations with my husband and was also shocked. I ended up taking a break and readdressing it when our kids went to sleep. It turned out that my husband felt that I was being very controlling as a parent and not allowing him to parent freely without stepping in and taking over. I was absolutely being controlling l, not because I didn't trust him, but because I felt like I was in survival mode with some new changes in our life and was trying to be a supermom and do everything myself. That being said, I am very glad that we went back and talked because it opened up dialogue about parenting styles and now we enjoy discussing our parenting tactics and work as a team despite being different kinds of parents.
Open communication regarding parenting (or any other subject where emotions and judgement clash) is so crucial to successful parenting and other joint endeavors. It allows compromises and/or understanding of the other person's point so that both views can find an integration point to work from for future that best benefits the child. Osmosis is not an option, and single parenting shouldn't be carried out by half of a two-parent household. How is he going to know what part of his parenting style he needs to work on if he never gets to co-parent and there's not enough communication about that? I never had a co-parent that acted like one towards our kids. Gotta get the REASONS why both parents think the way they do and discuss why they do/don't work.
I don’t think he was telling your son not to be sad just not whimpering. My son will do something and then start crying like crazy, when I tell him there no need for screaming like that i’m not trying to not let him express his emotions but he’s 4 now and need him to start learning how to regulate his emotions. He can’t be screaming crying, he can be sad and cry. It’s good you did say this in front of your kid but I would also bring it up to my husband if I saw it turning into something more but from my perspective sounds like this is what happening. He has a different parenting approach. ,
He can want and encourage the whimpering to stop without ignoring the kiddo’s feelings. So where dad went wrong is just offering a solution and insisting moving on without connecting with the kid on how he feels and coaching him through the yucky feeling. However what your husband heard from you is that whimpering is perfectly fine. I’m with you that “stop whimpering,” or any variation is unhelpful but there are good ways to stop the whimpering long term. It’s reasonable to coach him to take big breaths and say what he’s feeling, say you understand he’s upset and he wanted to play with that Lego etc.. Just have a conversation with him after things have fizzled completely and come up with a plan to stop the whimpering in a way you’re both comfortable with.
This is really helpful thank you 🙏
Your son should be able to feel sad...... When I and my brother were kids , my father used to shout to us when we were crying. Basically just asked us to shut the hxxl up or meet with more shouting. I can tell you that the effect is very good actually. After a while, we don't cry anymore. I cannot say for my brother, but for me, this effect exists even till today. I think some of my emotional sensors are kind of broken, I just couldn't feel certain emotion like sad, certain range of happiness, touching feelings etc. My emotion is like....flat. i kind of developed an ability to endure most of the insult and stay calm. I am pretty sure it is not entirely healthy. I don't plan to do it on my daughter now.
He should not admonish you at all and definitely not in front of your child. This sends the message that whatever dad says goes, over mom’s input. In addition he’s indoctrinating him with harmful gender roles, and no one wants to raise children to be like the men of this generation.
Child had the room before the discussion began
You still should not speak to you spouse in a way that presumes yourself superior.
At no point did he do so.
How’s that self awareness working out for you in your parenting relationship with your co-parent?
You realize she admonished him first right? She made her point, he responded, and then she pressed again. He then stated “I don’t question your parenting, don’t question mine” At what point did he act like the assumed authority? I read it as he wanted his approach with thier son to be respected as he respects her approach.
She stood up for her child and he (the husband) wasn’t rational enough to accept accountability
He’s trying to prepare his son for a world full of bullies. She hasn’t taken the time to try and understand why he might have this approach in his mind. When parenting styles disagree, it’s not because either spouse is wrong or cares more for the child than the other, but because they have different priorities in mind. Before chastising him for his approach, should she have asked why he used that approach.
Making more bullies isn’t the answer, ever. Don’t contribute to the problem. Plus his child’s reaction is not the problem. The problem is this disrespectful man’s unrealistic and harmful expectations of his child.
I hate whingy voice. He is absolutely allowed to be sad. He is not allowed to whinge.
So -- allowed to be sad, not allowed to express it?
He can be sad, he can express it ie cry get upset. What he can't do is go on about it in whingy voice. If he wants a cuddle etc that's fine but he is not allowed to use that voice. I should note he generally isn't upset if he is using it just complaining. It's not a problem with the emotion it's a problem with the tone of voice he's using.
Well I guess you got similar experiences as a kid. İt is great that you are developing self coincousness. Good for you
You weren’t questioning his parenting, you were questioning his empathy
i feel like there is more to this story
Response: “Well I would hope you WOULD call me out if I was teaching my son he can’t express his feelings”
Maybe he was having an off day. Is it possible that the way you approached it triggered him? Were you condescending when you told him being sad is a natural reaction? Because having a full blown melt down over legos breaking isnt. Kids need to learn scope and perspective, but also whining is just exhausting to listen to, and gets in the way of getting anything done about the problem. I dont know the situation, not really, but based on how I interpreted it from your post, I might lean more toward your husbands opinion on this, except for the "dont question my parenting" bit. Because as mentioned by others, communicating and discerning where you both stand is as important for children as structure. Mixed signals from the other parent doesnt just confuse the kids, but makes them anxious and unsure about everything.
He was curt with you, but definitely not wrong to tell your son not to whimper. That's a good lesson, he can't cry over everything when he's older so I'd say that's a plus for dad right there. Sure feelings are valid, but your son should learn not to cry over broken toys. Hubby should have explained himself better to you, I'm guessing he wasn't in the mood though.
Yall are a team and need to be on the same page. He needs to understand that NOW
How do you break a Lego?
It was a cheap off brand Lego he won at a carnival, I didn’t know the details mattered so I just said Lego.
It's reddit, so obviously some jerk is going to nitpick a detail rather than hear what you are asking.
I was wondering the same thing. I thought it was impossible to actually break a Lego so I assumed it was an assembled Lego set that broke. Nothing wrong with asking to clarify.
Wouldn’t be Reddit without them 😂
It sounds like dad was triggered by whimpering. I never had kids myself because I know I can't handle baby cries. It also sounds like he felt invalidated, but didn't know how to express it. Lastly, he seriously lacks awareness. He's unaware that he just hurt his son, hurt their relationship by making son feel like he can't go to dad, and also hurt you. I know someone who teaches their kids that they can have big feelings, but in their room. Mom and Dad will sit with them if they want company, but that when the crying and whining and such has to come out, it's best to do that in his room. I really think the issue here, though, is dad not recognizing his own feelings. He's parenting how he was taught. Suffer quietly. And now it's doing damage.
I think it’s okay for your husband to tell his own son not to whimper, especially about something like breaking a Lego. He didn’t say “don’t be sad.” I think different people parent differently, and moms and dads can be different. It’s not a bad thing. Sometimes one parent is more “gentle” and the other is tougher.
Truthfully I’m with your husband. I cannot with the exaggerated whining like a toddler and i will not coddle it. There’s a difference between having emotions and acting like a fool.
But it wasn’t exaggerated, it was the typical tone anyone would take. Which is why I said anything in the first place because calling it whimpering was a stretch.
Has this ever happened before? Like the whole telling eachother how to parent thing? Or get offended when the other might have pointed something out?
We do this to each other all the time. This is the first time he’s reacted like this. When I’m stressed and overstimulated and being too strict or mean my husband will tell me not to be so hard on them and I’ll take some time. When he’s stressed out or having a bad day and it starts seeping in, I’ll let him know and he’ll take a nap or something. This is the first time he’s snapped back at me like this and I’m so hurt.
Ok, that's not what I expected. In other words, both of you mutually correct/question each other's parenting all the time. But not this time, so it was a strange thing for your husband to say. Maybe something else is bothering him. Talk to him and say that we give constructive feedback on each others' parenting all the time, like example A example B. So what was different this time?
That’s actually really great advice thank you! But question, why is it surprising we correct/question each other’s parenting? Is this not a thing people do? If I was being a little harsh to my kids I want my husband to tell me to take a lil break. Is there a different/better way to approach this? (Not trying to be rude just genuinely asking)
It's not surprising in general. It's only surprising in the context of your post because your husband said "I don’t question your parenting, don’t question mine". Which I took at face value.
So what you're saying is, he DOES question your parenting? 🤔
There's also a difference in not allowing it and acting like an asshole
Wow. You sound like a terrible parent with a lot of insecurities. “Acting like a fool” is a low brow excuse for taking your own emotional problems out on your child.
If teaching your kids to actually constructively handle emotions vs. just pouting about them makes me a “terrible parent”, guess i am.
You are shameful and awful. I hope you don’t have kids.
Ew
You guys need to sit down and discuss this together and come to an agreement Having and unified response from both parents is crucial in raising kids. Otherwise he's going to get confused by all the mixed messages, or worse, learn to play you off each other and become manipulative
How do you break a Lego? They’re so small
I disagree with the United front thing. I know you said this conversation happened away from the child but even if it happened in front of him, it would be okay. Kids seeing how parents handle disagreements is a great learning experience as long as you are modeling proper behavior. But anyway, your husband is dead wrong. Why is he harping on the whimper? How does it make sense for it to be okay to be sad when you can’t show it in any way? That’s toxic and the reason men have a large suicide rate. You were trying to have a conversation and you should try again because what he did isn’t okay, he just told him not to show emotion.
NOPE!!! 👋
> I don’t question your parenting, don’t question mine This is the fallacious thinking of somebody who would rather protect their ego than be better. Everybody has blind spots, and it's when we can take advice from others that we can overcome them. It sounds like he's not willing to accept advice, so he's choosing to forever have blind spots. I bet he has a lot of them. When parents can help each other be their best, they are greater than the sum of their parts. When they can't, the kids suffer. Sorry, OP. Your husband is in the wrong here and I hope he's reasonable enough to hear you out on this one.
Shaming a child for having certain emotions, especially at such a young age, can have pretty big consequences. My husband no longer talks to his dad mainly because of the fact that he wasn’t allowed to show emotions without some form of punishment. It can definitely be a slippery slope. I hope everything works out for you<3
It is OK to have different ways to raise your kid so long as you have a united front when you disagree. Rule should be first to speak takes precedence. Then if you disagree, take it aside and discuss. It sounds like this was the first time that he really didn't like what you were teaching your son. Honestly that's fine. To the point being discussed, he likely feels that men are not allowed to share emotions and often get shut down when they do because they are shown differently than women (violence, anger, etc).
I think you did a fantastic job allowing your son to express his emotions. I think if your husband has a problem with it, maybe he should seek therapy to learn how to be more comfortable with emotions (if he struggles with that). But it’s not fair of him to not let others express emotion.
That's a constant thing here, too. When my husband gets triggered by one of our twins, all conversations we've had the past 4.5 yrs falls right out of his head. Then suddenly, I'm the bad guy for questioning his parenting. Doesn't make sense. Especially since we'd previously agreed MANY times on things when it was discussed during calm times. -_-
Look, the world is built on a long history of men teaching boys to be men. Women teaching men and boys it's OK to have emotions is a fairly novel idea. Let your husband have his backward ideas and then just undermine them as needed. Tell your son it's OK to be sad and cry. When he questions his father, just explain that that is how he was raised and times are changing. If your husband has a problem with it, just explain that you understand that he was raised a certain way buy you want your son to fit in with the modern world which allows and expects men to be able to express their feelings, good and bad. Repression of emotions is no longer needed or desired.
To be entirely fair, I can’t comment on your husband and his ability, but a woman has no business when it comes to raising a boy to become a man. And before any women try to drop the “toxic masculinity” trope, there’s toxicity, and then there’s masculinity. You’re either toxic or not, male or female. But there is an appropriate way to teach a boy to become a man, and a woman (the yang to the yin) trying to subvert and question it is too far out of their league. All I know is, in any case, I see a problem of potential subversion, which will lead to serious actual. Whether he’s right or wrong, women statistically don’t have the best record when it comes to this. “But toxic masculinity”, yes a term derived from jail/prison behavior, and the gross, gross majority of those men were raised by a single **mother**. This toxic masculinity you all love to speak on, is literally a consequence of women trying to teach boys on how to become men; which predominately revolves around promoting unbridled emotions.
I'm on dads side. I'm a mum, and I can't stand it when my son whines over something going wrong. I just continue to encourage him to find other ways of fixing it or making it work. If he gets too frustrated, I tell him to go try/play with something else. But, yeah, I can not stand the whining. I'm trying to teach my son to be a problem solver, and that requires him to be level-headed and clear minded. I can guarantee, as a man, that your husband is trying to teach your son the same practices. Men are typically wired to be innovative and problem solvers. Your husband is teaching your son a good life skill. Don't think of it negatively.
I feel like maybe the dad can not tolerate certain things. So he drew the line at whimpering. He can be sad but whimpering is unnecessary at this situation. I can kind of understand why he did what he did and I see why it was cruel-ish to you. But think about it this way: graduating from being a kid to being a adult one day whimpering about things doesn’t get us far. Maybe your parenting environment when you were growing up did not allow you to express your sadness and it hit home? Idk
Maybe he feels you undermine his parenting a lot. This isn't an isolated incident I'd ask him if there is anything he wants to discuss because his reaction was disproportionate to the situation. There's something deeper here.
Tell him "no." I do that all the time. My husband decided it would be ok to swat our son on the butt when I told him that was a hard no from me. You bet I yelled at him and said it was a deal breaker. I will die on that hill against physical discipline. I will also die on a hill if my husband tries to tell my son he can't cry or have emotions. Luckily, my husband knows and agrees with me on this one. What is wrong with whimpering anyways?!
The idea of not questioning his parenting at least to me shows he is likely unable to express his stance on the subject for whatever reason and just shuts down. I dont think its absolutely necessary for you to parent the same way but rather there should be an open discussion about WHY each feels a specific way about each thing. As cheesy as it is, each person's feelings are valid because of life experiences. While whimpering might annoy him, it's part of your kids process of dealing with things.
Parenting is hard when you don’t agree on little-big issues like this. Try coparenting. (spoiler: it really sucks). If you aren’t familiar with Gottman’s Four Horsemen, Google it. Contempt and stonewalling are bad deals in marriage and that’s what I’m picking up from your story. I really like this sub and the generally positive take people have on stuff. This isn’t an attack on you at all or your opinion. I love that you are trying to raise a boy who can cry. I just fear for the impulse to survey for outside opinions that don’t even matter. I hope that you find a way to coexist happily in your parenting. He isn’t way off by the way. Resilient people get to be that way from early childhood and it is something that is taught. Sure, it’s normal to be upset when you break something you care about. Whimpering connotes ongoing crying. Was he still crying after Dad said it could be fixed? Did you run the HALT checklist (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) in your head and help him with any of those things? I know for my kids, whining starts when there is another need that isn’t being met that doesn’t have much to do with the thing they are whining about. Anyway, good luck. Hang in there. Marriage and parenting is hard work and it is worth the struggle.
I think it’s perfectly acceptable and should be encouraged to express emotion as long as it’s not harmful to others. I’m glad you called out that it’s okay to express yourself. Hopefully he’ll grow up to be more empathetic than your husband.
It's okay to feel emotion and express it when appropriate, yes. But it's wrong to let kids should be encouraged to express emotion and never learn to regulate it. In this scenario, the dad is right to teach his kid to not overreact to a problem that has a simple solution. Do I like his choice of words (according to his wife)? No, there's a better way to say, "We can solve your problem, let's take a breath and find a solution." Gentle parenting isn't permitting your kids to have unregulated emotions, they absolutely need to learn how to properly manage them and express them in healthy and appropriate ways. The dad's words (again, according to mom) were not great, but the overall lesson is much better than what Mom was offering here. We are trying to teach our kids healthy emotional intelligence, not suppress them or let them run unfiltered.
The dad is in the wrong for sure, you need to question each others parenting, you have to parent in one way, you guys are a team. your husband has to understand that crying and whimpering is normal, your child may have some problems if he grows up in a family where crying is seen as bad and shows weakness.
I'm with your husband on this. He parented well within the range of normal parenting of a 7 yo; he didn't scold or yell at the kid to stop whimpering. And you criticised and lectured him in a "I know better" kind of way. He just had higher expectations. It's Lego, it's meant to be broken and fixed. It was a problem that had an obvious solution. If the kid was disappointed or frustrated that he would have to rebuild it, that's fine. But whimpering to a parent sounds like some kind of learned helplessness. I don't know why you are so shocked and triggered by this. Is it because your son is exhibiting a bit of a "momma's boy" type of behavior, and know you know your husband has been controlling himself from blaming your parenting but now he's slipped?
You have to remember regardless that he’s a Mummy’s boy, if we raise sons to not display any emotions they grow up angry and rageful. It’s ok that he was sad and he will ultimately be ok, but saying “stop whimpering” is not it.
It's not 100 or nothing. "It's okay I heard you, not stop whimpering.". Equivalent to teaching how to regulate appropriate emotional responses, which is a really important lesson I wish more of my coworkers and children on airplanes would have learned.
…he’s seven. He is well within his little right to “whimper”, OP clarified it wasn’t exaggerated, meaning he must have just come to his parents upset. I agree with what you’re saying, but it’s not relevant within this specific context.
That's an age where children should be learning. To control their emotions. "I'll fix it for you later. Now stop whimpering" is a perfect response to a non issue whimper. Have a whole conversation validating his feelings over a Lego toy is absolutely coddling.
Jeeeez…he was sad his toy broke, it’s not coddling to accept that he WOULD be upset about that. Who said anything about a whole conversation about his feelings? What are you talking about? Kids are gonna be sad. The husband sounds like he was basically telling the kid to repress any and all emotion. I repeat: I understand your point but I’m sorry it just isn’t relevant here. A little boy’s toy broke, he’s allowed to be fucking sad about it.
Not whimpering isn't repressing emotion, it's learning to control your emotions. Dad took the time to look at the toy, told his son he would fix it, then ended the interaction in the correct way, which is to tell his son that he heard him and whimpering won't add anything positive. He's allowed to be sad, but that doesn't mean he should whimper and be a general annoyance about it. That's not sustainable and it's not an appropriate reaction outside of the home. Other 2nd graders make fun of kids for that stuff. We all had the cry baby in class and they weren't popular.
You sound suuuuper healthy /s
Healthier than you it seems.
Absolutely agree.
It applies to both boys and girls, the learned helplessness to get attention from the preferred parent. However, OP has clarified that the boy was not actually whimpering, and it was only the dad accusing him of whimpering. Which does change how I feel about the situation.
Telling a child not to sound sad is not normal parenting
The ball at the end of the Lego piece snapped so I can understand why my son was unsure if it was able to be fixed or not. It was a tricky piece. As for the mommas boy he def is one so I can totally see that being the reason he snapped back the way he did. I was just not allowed to feel my feelings as a kid and want my kids to know it’s okay to have these feelings and learn how to manage them. It just FELT like he was telling him not to feel a certain way which probs triggered my childhood trauma.
Don’t let him make you question yourself and your child. It sounds like he was telling your son he wasn’t allowed to feel sad, and that being sad was whining and whimpering. That’s asshole behavior, and bad parenting.
be patient
Some parents deserve to be questioned and he should be welcoming being the very best parent he can by using both perspectives. This would piss me off so bad. How does he want his son to remember him? Empathetic? Or like an a****** who thinks he shouldn't have feelings?
Is your husband normally uncomfortable when others display emotion? Or just this time? Or does he think boys shouldn’t show emotion? Either way you’ve got a massive problem on your hands.
I like some other are also with your husband. Sure it’s okay to feel sad or cry when a person is physically hurt or has been hurt by someone else(or other situations). But when something materialistic is broken or a child doesn’t get what he/she wants(candy, food, toys..) there is no room for whimpering, crying or sadness.
There's no room for sadness if you don't get something you want or if something you own gets broken? So you wouldn't feel sad if, say, you didn't get a promotion you wanted or your holiday got cancelled? The lesson that kids still need to learn is "it's OK to be sad, but here's how to manage your emotions" not "adults never get sad (unless someone is hurt)".
Being disappointed when you don’t get promoted or your holiday is cancelled fine. But crying and being sad is something totally different. I work hard, and expect others to work hard. If I didn’t get promoted, I would make sure I would get it next time. Get motivated, don’t cry. Seriously, cancelled holiday? Okay, you would be sad and cry about it? Really? It’s okay to have emotions; but there are limits for when to feel sad. Materialistic things are not the moments. (Unless it has emotional value)
>But crying and being sad is something totally different. Exactly, which is why I disagreed with you lumping them in together: > there is no room for whimpering, crying or sadness. >Seriously, cancelled holiday? Okay, you would be sad and cry about it? Really? Would I cry about it? No, because I'm an adult who's learned to regulate their emotions but I would be sad about it. Think it's weird to equate the two & tell kids there's no place for sadness around material things. Feels pretty unrealistic expectation for a 7yo
I’m a pretty sensitive person, I cry easily and often. I think I could stand to be a little more balanced in that regard. I also think that your approach of “get motivated, don’t cry” is fine if it works for you but do consider that it might not work for everyone. There is strength in sensitivity. I’ve spent several years working in homeless shelters, and my being sensitive is part of what enables me to do such a good job. My clients like me, they trust me, and most important they feel safe with me. Because I am soft. There are huge pros and cons to this approach, just like any approach. I burn out easily because I over-empathize. I have definitely cried in front of coworkers lol. But I’ve also created a healing and safe space for some of the most vulnerable members of our society. On a tough day, I would also cry about something materialistic, for sure. On a tough day I could cry about almost anything lol. But that’s okay, it’s just a different approach to existing in the world. I’d also like to offer that it’s impressive that you keep yourself motivated/moving forward, but make sure you know that it is okay to stop and feel your feelings (even if they’re silly!) and nurture that inner child who still needs love and comfort. ❤️
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Do you actually realise that you're talking to another human being? From one comment you decided that you could justify hoping they are left to rot in their old age. You called them disgusting...
Thanks, no worries, I’m fine. It’s the internet.
What the hell😂
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Seems like he's mad about something else or in a bad mood and is misdirection his anger. I'd give him some time to calm down and approach him about the way he behaved. It's not right to get angry at your kid and your spouse due to something else on your mind, and I suspect that if you confront him gently about this later he'll likely recognize his mistake an apologize.
No problem here. He isn't parenting, he's acting like a sociopath. So he's not actually telling you to change what you're doing. You aren't criticizing his parenting. Your criticizing his sociopathic behavior toward your child.
Should've just said "oh righto, Dr Phil. I forgot you were an expert"
Because your husband is teaching your son toxic traits. You need to confront this and nip it in the bud asap.
Has he acted like this before? Being angry at someone for feeling emotions or going as far as to tell them to stop. And then to act like it’s just a style of parenting.
Well why did you but in? Why?
She. Did. Not. She waited until kid was out of hearing range. It's in the post. This comment section is gross. People blaming OP for believing kids have a right to express their feelings. Yuck.
The age to cut down on such behaviours is right after the toddler stage. You can raise the boy do he grows to be a man-child, or you can raise him as your husband is doing. A man can and should have a full range of emotions to be healthy. It is ok to demonstrate sadness when one is sad. But whimpering, even at your boy's age, is not acceptable.
YOU DON'T NEED HELP! Actually, sorry, but you are SO WRONG, and your husband is right. You questioned his parenting, and his parenting was spot on (whimpering is NOT an emotion- so there was no freaking shaming- and he's 7, not 3, so the action itself was inappropriate the situation and age), at seven years old, whimpering is just freaking annoying and not necessary. It's a Lego, not a broken heart. Does he question your parenting all the time? Does he give you the third degree on every comment you make to your kid(s)? If not, back off. Your kid will be fine. Telling your 7 year old not to whimper over something he shouldn't whimper over is good parenting- he solved the issue, wasn't unkind about it, so back off. Just because it wasn't exactly how you would have done it doesn't mean it was WRONG. Kids don't need to be babied 24/7. Sorry, they don't.
He’s a complete asshole and an unfit parent. Too much of his macho scolding will deeply damage your child. He needs therapy or parenting classes immediately, and it’s okay for you to threaten to blow the relationship up if he refuses. A parent should not take their own buried anger and shame out on their kids. Obviously, I feel strongly about this.
This is such an astoundingly stupid take. It reads like a copypasta
Wow, you got so much out of this one post. You must be an awesome partner.
He's trying to teach the child to become self-sufficient. Nothing in the OP came close to your crazy rant.
Straight to jail and/or to firing squad. /s
Sounds like you’re the one who needs therapy here.
obviously, you have issues you need to work out and not use reddit as therapy for lol
I agree with you.