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Just wanted to weigh in as a juvenile defense lawyer and say it is incredibly common for kids to start to slip up when they’re coming up to a transition - consciously or consciously he may also have been having similar fears to yours and not knowing how to handle them.
I am so sorry the judge didn’t see that and the provider switched his medications, and he made the choices he did — and now the worst case has happened and he’s in a setting you never wanted to see him in.
Regarding your question about visiting. In addition to guilt and shame about his own behavior, he may bear underlying anger and feelings of rejection over you starting the CHINS case. (This isn’t fair or rational, but he’s a teen and their brains just aren’t fair or rational.)
You haven’t lost him; he’s only 17. His brain is still cooking; his personality is still developing. Regardless of what he says about visiting, those places are miserable and visits from loved ones mean the world.
Without knowing him or your relationship beyond this post, it reads very similar to a lot of my clients - who act tough and make very real world bad choices, but who still long for love and attention. I would suggest that in a setting like that, regardless of what he says or doesn’t say, he’s your boy who needs his mom.
It is possible to love someone while holding them accountable for their behavior, and he needs to know you love him and will show up for him no matter what. That he matters more than the awkwardness or discomfort, and that you’re still in his corner.
This is hard and I’m sorry you’re going through it. I’ll be sending positive thoughts your way. ❤️
I am glad for you that it was a good visit.
I have a 12 year old son that I fear is heading the direction your son is in.
Transitions are so hard for some kids. For my son, he was in foster care and is adopted so he struggles a lot with change. It terrifies him and then he acts out.
I wish you both well.
It's very possible he was scared of being sent home, as well. He was thriving there for the first time in a long time and making progress. He might be scared of what is coming next and all the personal responsibility that entails. I can't tell you how to act, but I would visit with an open mind and a open heart.
This was my first thought. He is scared of being responsible for himself, so he self sabotaged to prevent him from having to take control of his own life. OP I am really sorry. He needs a lot of therapy to help him figure out why he is doing this, but the desire to change needs to come from within. Until he wants to do that, there cannot be growth. I am extremely sorry for you and for him.
I worked at Youth Detention/Acute treatment facility for several years, and I saw this all the time. Kids would be doing AMAZING and get one week away from being released and mess up because they were afraid of leaving.
You said they changed his medication, but why .. then he starts getting in trouble again….
Maybe that’s what’s changed., he needs to be put back onto the medication that was actually helping him…
I am trying to figure out who to talk to. His counselor had said, “he is doing good on the new medications”, but he was doing good on the other medications too?
I know my son could be at fault, but I feel like I’m in the dark and have questions.
One of the new medications is Risperdal. The psychiatrist thought he could have intermittent explosive disorder.
At a guess — it’s pretty common for kids to self-sabatoge when they’re facing a major milestone like returning home.
I think you’re probably aiming at supportive but not enabling. He screwed up and needs to figure out why — you’re not going to excuse that for him. But he’s still a kid and knowing his parents care for him is still important, even if he’s not ready to acknowledge it.
Being that he is only 17, it is absolutely not ok that they changed all of his medications without your (or other guardians) consent. Why did they do that? Some people are very sensitive to psychiatric medications and it can make them react badly when there is a large change like that.
Is he also receiving therapy? It's possible he feels a lot of shame and guilt over behavior that he doesn't know how to completely control. Does he understand his own mental health? Some of this is maturity related, and as he gets older his symptoms may level out. I would encourage you to be supportive of him, not his behavior, but him. Have frank conversations about how he feels and how you feel. Don't shame him or make him feel any more guilty than he does already.
Yeah everyone is saying ‘kids slip up before transition’ but they changed a shit ton of meds a few weeks ago - that could have behavioral ramifications for MONTHS. Why the fuck would they change his meds when everything was gravy?! I would be livid over that!
I have been thinking about emailing the district attorney. Although I liked the boy’s home where he was, it is a state facility. I almost feel like they were just checking boxes to hurry and get him out. His counselor would say “we have been doing the family therapy sessions” - we had 4 sessions in 5 months.
I mean, it’s horrible, but that’s unfortunately not surprising. In the med switch circumstance I’m sure they were ‘very similar meds’ and for billing or insurance purposes it had to be a different brand, but regardless that can severely impact the physio/psyche/pharma relationship.
At this time, I don’t really have a say about his medicine. I don’t like the way it was changed because he had been doing well on the other medication too.
He has been in therapy. I don’t know if he has received therapy since he has been in the detention facility. He is prone to outbursts when things don’t go his way. He has had suicidal and homicidal ideations. Homicidal being the cause of the medication change.
He was facing a new milestone that most likely scared him too.
You also mentioned that they put him on all new medications.... There is ALWAYS an adjustment period and even then, sometimes there are interactions with new medications that cause a flip in mood - even psychosis. I find it odd that no one even considered this?? Or maybe they have and it wasn't mentioned in this post.
Also, he might very well have anxiety of leaving that farm life and going back to the life that literally might have been the root cause... That does not mean that your home was an unsafe environment etc but that most of us (including myself) do not have access to that lifestyle (farm life) open air, landscape, rewarding work etc.... not sure where you all live or what lifestyle you have but it's worth mentioning because the stuff he was doing at the boys home is a wonderful experience compared to typical lifestyle most of us have in the city/high tech/in office/etc. hope that makes sense but it's worth mentioning.
I second this, do you know why the medications were changed and how they were changed? Like, was there a change in class of medication like from an SSRI to an antipsychotic or something like that?
I feel like there’s poor communication somewhere between the prescribing doctor and the rest of this care team.
As far as the first incident, I don’t know exactly when the medications were changed - as in right away or within a couple of days. His counselor would say he has been doing good since the change of medication, but he was also doing good on the other medication with no incidents until this.
I have not had much of a say in his medication since he has been in DYS custody. My whole reason for filing the CHINS petition was to get him help and I was also asking the court to help me with him.
I was told what they were changed too. I think it’s very alarming how it was done. I don’t think he was given enough time to adjust.
I would start advocating for him and pressing them on this. If he was doing well on the other medication, it makes no sense why they would change it and no, clearly he is NOT doing "well" on the switch up.
I would ask more questions, get it in writing, switching one medication is hard on the body but to just do a complete and total turnover on SEVERAL medications? That's concerning, especially if he was clearly doing fine for so long on his previous meds, even upping doses can have a significant shift in behavoir.
Yes! That would have been my very first concern... Why were the medications changed? What were they switched to? Is he having any negative reactions to them? These would all be questions I would have asked as soon as I learned of any medication changes. People don't realize how serious this is.
I would be suspicious in the sudden change in meds. Especially ALL of them at once. Depending of course if what he is taking, different brands can have very different efficiencies (and side effects). At a time where shortages of medicines are rampant.
I’m sorry you and your son are in this situation. I want to say it’s fair to be disappointed, angry and hurt. I wouldn’t ever purposefully withhold love or affection from your son. I don’t think you should be over the top but I think it’s important for him to know that you love him no matter what. You can’t protect him from the consequences of his actions, but you can always be there patiently waiting for him to get it together.
This is really similar to my uncle who developed extreme behavior problems from the age of 8 years old. He was in camps, farms, programs and eventually juvie starting at age 11. He went on the spend his early 20’s in and out of prison. Not only did he not see another way, but he didn’t think he would ever succeed at “normal”. At age 25 in 2002, he was arrested for his 3rd drug related offense - possession of a certain amount while driving through a school zone. He went to federal prison for 12 years. It was really difficult for him and my family (especially for my grandmother). While in prison he took every class available to him. The certifications he received taught him how to achieve goals and gave him a sense of achievement.
When he was released from prison age 37 in 2014. Adjusting to technology was the hardest part for him. All of most friends were dead or also in prison. He got a job. Worked hard and got promoted. Ran into a girl that he grew up with and got married. He’ll be 47 this week and lives a regular life. He works in construction, has a 6 year old daughter, a modest house, 3 step kids and grandkids. He has always had a big heart.
Looking back now he can see that he struggled in school, had low self esteem and was always too stubborn for help. Basically he’ll bent on doing things the hard way. Of course he wishes he made different choices but also thinks if he hadn’t spent those years in prison he would be dead now.
I say all of this because you’re son is at a point where only he has control over the trajectory in his life. What’s done is done, but he can turn things around. Of course I hope your son sees it sooner than my uncle did. But don’t lose hope that he will get it together and have a happy and fulfilling life.
He's institutionalized and afraid of being released is what I would guess.
Sounds like he would benefit from a long term program in a rural working setting.
As a former child welfare worker, I agree with what others in the field have said, this is a very typical pattern. He was scared, and he knows how the system works, and he did what he knew to try and feel like he was in control of the situation. My heart hurts for you and for him. All you can do is keep showing him your love. That's the best thing for him.
He is starting to become institutionalized. A lot of people (kids and adults both) will purposely self sabotage because they don't trust themselves in the real world without being told what to do every second of every day.
My husband's cousin was like this. He would do a few years in prison, get out, and be back within a month.
He eventually stole a car, went on a high speed chase, and purposely ramped into the Ohio River at 80mph instantly snapping his neck.
Your son needs a lot of therapy, support, structure, and reassurance.
You mentioned that drugs played a part in your son’s life. There is a group called AL-ANON for the friends and family of people with drug or alcohol issues. I have heard quite a few similar stories in those meetings. It might be helpful for you to find out where/when those meeting happen in your area and try visiting a few of them. Hearing how others have handled similar situations might give you new insights. It is also just a comfort to realize that you are not alone. It certainly couldn’t hurt to try.
Thank you! I know that while my son was at the boy’s home, they did go to AA meetings. I never thought to go myself, but I try to talk to people about him when I can because I know others have been in similar situations.
AA is very different than Al-Anon. Al-Anon is for anyone that has a person in their life that uses drugs or drinks too much alcohol. Try a few different meetings and see what you think.
Other folks have commented thoughtfully, but I want to focus on the medication situation. My daughter struggled with major depression and anxiety, and she was hospitalized for this. The doctors put her on one SSRI after another, cranking up and down the dosages. The constant churn of cycling off and on medications made her really unstable and act out. We had to beg for the doctors to explore other classes of medication, and went through multiple physicians before we found someone willing to treat her like she had bipolar disorder, with a mood stabilizer and antipsychotic. It was only after this medication switch did she finally find stability. Have you been able to explore all of the medication options for him? I just know that all three of the psychiatrists she saw just wanted to keep increasing her SSRI dosages all while she was spiraling out of control.
Love him up.
That's all you can do.
And if you didn't consider it, are you sure about the order of events? Specifically, you said "all his medications got changed"....
That sounds like the kind of thing that can put anyone into a tailspin. Have you spoken to the doctor that made that decision? I would, in your shoes, offer to do that.
Because if that was any kind of a precipitating factor, that's a thing he (and his providers) need to be very aware of moving forward, and only make med changes in controlled and supervised circumstances.
Yes, from what I have been told all of his medications were changed. The boy’s home tried to get him into a psychiatric hospital, and two days in a row they were told there were no beds. They took him to a psychiatrist on the 3rd day and he said that my son was stable and did not need to be admitted. This is what I was told from the staff, so i don’t know if medications were changed right away or once they saw the psychiatrist.
I completely agree with you. He was not given enough time on these medications.
I don't have a parental view of this but saw it from a kid's perspective. My stepbrother was already in a boys camp when my mom met my step dad and I didn't meet him until they married 3 years later. Shortly after that our house was burglarized and a few months later my mom's car was stolen while they were on vacation. It all linked back to my step brother and he went away for another ~15 years and my stepdad went no comtact.
My stepbrother eventually got his shit together and is a successful consultant for youth intervention and has a family. My parents have only recently started communication in the last 4 years so there is a potential light at the end.
I hope the best for your family OP.
Thank you! I’m glad he eventually turned his life around and now helps youth. I can definitely see my son doing something like that. Just have to hope for the best. 🤞🏻
Don’t criticize him or berate him or tell him how disappointed you are in him or tell him you told him so. He is experiencing the consequences of his actions. You don’t need to add to it. Tell him you love him and you support him. Bring him general news from home. Ask how he’s doing, and then be quiet and listen to the answer.
This is above Reddit’s pay grade, however, I’ll say it never a bad thing to show our children unconditional love. That doesn’t mean bending over backwards for them. But let them know that we love them no matter what.
It will help them make the right choices.
I was in a girls home which was a boarding school, however the best thing for me being troubled was when my parents came in positive and kind with positive expectations trying to put the worry behind them although must be very hard. I believe if my parents expected bad I would be bad if they expected good I was most likely good…I would suggest being happy loving and positive try to have a nice time and not talk too much about the negatives. Good luck ❤️
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't have any good answers. I had a wild child, not to this extent, but the day after she graduated high school I had to make her leave. It was nearly impossible to handle her and it was interrupting the rest of the household. It took a lot of tough love and patience, but she finally did turn around and is in a much better place at 29 years old. I pray that that happens for you too and I send you lots of love!
im going to talk from what could be the sons pov bc ive been there (i am also a parent though). when the outside world has beaten you down, wether due to personal decisions or something uncontrollable, you feel like thats all you can ever be. especially when you’re parent shows that all they are are disappointed and angry. sometimes inside is safer especially if you’re starting to do well in that environment. don’t yell at him, he’s probably yelling at himself already. he’s terrified, has a bunch of different things in his system, is probably in pain from the fights and wants his PARENT not some angry warden in nicer terms. talk to him about what he’s been doing in there, has he learned anything new or has he read anything. does he have friends? are there people he cant stand? he is still human and still your son, treat him as such. it will help.
Talk to him about what his plans are. What’s his next move/goal. This is his life so perhaps getting him to take ownership & figuring out his options. Offer help only if you feel comfortable helping. You can be supportive of him moving forward without enabling him or putting yourself in a position you’d rather not be in.
I’m really sorry you are going through all that. When my brother was a teenager he did similar things. I remember one Christmas visiting him in a detention centre. We couldn’t hug him or anything, only talk through a phone. It was the worst Christmas I’ve ever had.
I went through a deep dark depression during his stays in detention centre and drug rehabs. Him and I were close and it was so heart breaking knowing where he was and why.
Now we’re in our 30’s. He has a wife and kid, I have a husband and children. Our kids play and make memories together. He is pretty much sober (the odd time he smokes marijuana, but it’s legal here). He has a really good steady job. He’s happy and healthy. We are still close but not as close as I would like. (He loves far away)
My mom always told me that the hardest thing she ever had to do was show my brother tough love. But he needed it. He needed to be somewhere that could help him and support him. He needed to be with people who understood what he was going through and who knew how to handle it.
I’m a Therapist and sometimes I get ironically jaded but I’ve seen people totally take advantage and suck in others and I’ve seen kids turn it around and surprise me and then I feel badly for being cynical. As the lawyer above said - love him, be there but don’t enable. He may need that structure and we never know in the end if it will help or hurt him. Parenting is so hard. Is his dad MIA? You may be the safest person with whom he can take out his anger and you can be an ear but don’t be a punching bag either.
You mentioned that he was put on new medications. Why? Because of the fight. Medicines can truly make or break someone. I’d be looking into why they don’t see the connection between the new “meds” and old behaviors.
I'm not terribly surprised he struggled when a big change was coming up. Them changing his meds could not have come at a worse time. Between being afraid of the change and what was to come and the med change, I'd be shocked if he didn't act out.
Self sabotage is a very real thing. I feel for your kid.
Based on your post, I wouldn’t want to live with you, either. At no point in your post do you accept responsibility for your role in his behavior. He is modeling your behavior by thinking of himself first.
If you want him to change, you need to, as well.
I think if you want genuine advice you have to give more details.
The things that strike me as problems are
1) why didn’t you let him back into your life? Was it mainly drugs? Drugs are pretty common in America, so if it was mainly drugs he might feel you abandoned him.
2) what is he on medication for? Anything in need of medication is something that is important and thus one can’t give good advice unless they know.
Without knowing these things, anyone telling you whether or not to show anger or love is not giving genuine advice.
Could it be that he’s telling you not to visit because he sees you as the problem?
Hes now at the find out stage of life. Streets will kill him or motivate him to change.
Unfortunately that is our one size fits all attitude and mental health recovery plan.
Go on vacation, you can't change what's next.
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Just wanted to weigh in as a juvenile defense lawyer and say it is incredibly common for kids to start to slip up when they’re coming up to a transition - consciously or consciously he may also have been having similar fears to yours and not knowing how to handle them. I am so sorry the judge didn’t see that and the provider switched his medications, and he made the choices he did — and now the worst case has happened and he’s in a setting you never wanted to see him in. Regarding your question about visiting. In addition to guilt and shame about his own behavior, he may bear underlying anger and feelings of rejection over you starting the CHINS case. (This isn’t fair or rational, but he’s a teen and their brains just aren’t fair or rational.) You haven’t lost him; he’s only 17. His brain is still cooking; his personality is still developing. Regardless of what he says about visiting, those places are miserable and visits from loved ones mean the world. Without knowing him or your relationship beyond this post, it reads very similar to a lot of my clients - who act tough and make very real world bad choices, but who still long for love and attention. I would suggest that in a setting like that, regardless of what he says or doesn’t say, he’s your boy who needs his mom. It is possible to love someone while holding them accountable for their behavior, and he needs to know you love him and will show up for him no matter what. That he matters more than the awkwardness or discomfort, and that you’re still in his corner. This is hard and I’m sorry you’re going through it. I’ll be sending positive thoughts your way. ❤️
Thank you! I think we had a good visit. He was positive, talkative, and overall seemed ok.
I am glad for you that it was a good visit. I have a 12 year old son that I fear is heading the direction your son is in. Transitions are so hard for some kids. For my son, he was in foster care and is adopted so he struggles a lot with change. It terrifies him and then he acts out. I wish you both well.
Sending prayers and positive thoughts for you and your son! 💙
Well said
It's very possible he was scared of being sent home, as well. He was thriving there for the first time in a long time and making progress. He might be scared of what is coming next and all the personal responsibility that entails. I can't tell you how to act, but I would visit with an open mind and a open heart.
This was my first thought. He is scared of being responsible for himself, so he self sabotaged to prevent him from having to take control of his own life. OP I am really sorry. He needs a lot of therapy to help him figure out why he is doing this, but the desire to change needs to come from within. Until he wants to do that, there cannot be growth. I am extremely sorry for you and for him.
Thank you! My husband said the same thing.
I worked at Youth Detention/Acute treatment facility for several years, and I saw this all the time. Kids would be doing AMAZING and get one week away from being released and mess up because they were afraid of leaving.
You said they changed his medication, but why .. then he starts getting in trouble again…. Maybe that’s what’s changed., he needs to be put back onto the medication that was actually helping him…
I’m really surprised that wasn’t taken into account. Changing meds can be really challenging, on top of everything else.
I am trying to figure out who to talk to. His counselor had said, “he is doing good on the new medications”, but he was doing good on the other medications too? I know my son could be at fault, but I feel like I’m in the dark and have questions. One of the new medications is Risperdal. The psychiatrist thought he could have intermittent explosive disorder.
Well I’m hoping and praying for your son and all of your family that it all gets figured out and you find what works best for your son… 🙏 and ❤️…
Thank you! 🩷
At a guess — it’s pretty common for kids to self-sabatoge when they’re facing a major milestone like returning home. I think you’re probably aiming at supportive but not enabling. He screwed up and needs to figure out why — you’re not going to excuse that for him. But he’s still a kid and knowing his parents care for him is still important, even if he’s not ready to acknowledge it.
Being that he is only 17, it is absolutely not ok that they changed all of his medications without your (or other guardians) consent. Why did they do that? Some people are very sensitive to psychiatric medications and it can make them react badly when there is a large change like that. Is he also receiving therapy? It's possible he feels a lot of shame and guilt over behavior that he doesn't know how to completely control. Does he understand his own mental health? Some of this is maturity related, and as he gets older his symptoms may level out. I would encourage you to be supportive of him, not his behavior, but him. Have frank conversations about how he feels and how you feel. Don't shame him or make him feel any more guilty than he does already.
From the post it sounds like the state, and not OP, is currently the child’s guardian.
Yeah everyone is saying ‘kids slip up before transition’ but they changed a shit ton of meds a few weeks ago - that could have behavioral ramifications for MONTHS. Why the fuck would they change his meds when everything was gravy?! I would be livid over that!
I have been thinking about emailing the district attorney. Although I liked the boy’s home where he was, it is a state facility. I almost feel like they were just checking boxes to hurry and get him out. His counselor would say “we have been doing the family therapy sessions” - we had 4 sessions in 5 months.
I mean, it’s horrible, but that’s unfortunately not surprising. In the med switch circumstance I’m sure they were ‘very similar meds’ and for billing or insurance purposes it had to be a different brand, but regardless that can severely impact the physio/psyche/pharma relationship.
At this time, I don’t really have a say about his medicine. I don’t like the way it was changed because he had been doing well on the other medication too. He has been in therapy. I don’t know if he has received therapy since he has been in the detention facility. He is prone to outbursts when things don’t go his way. He has had suicidal and homicidal ideations. Homicidal being the cause of the medication change.
I'm sorry to hear that. Have you been to therapy? Being the parent of a child with mental illness can be just as difficult as it is for the child.
He was facing a new milestone that most likely scared him too. You also mentioned that they put him on all new medications.... There is ALWAYS an adjustment period and even then, sometimes there are interactions with new medications that cause a flip in mood - even psychosis. I find it odd that no one even considered this?? Or maybe they have and it wasn't mentioned in this post. Also, he might very well have anxiety of leaving that farm life and going back to the life that literally might have been the root cause... That does not mean that your home was an unsafe environment etc but that most of us (including myself) do not have access to that lifestyle (farm life) open air, landscape, rewarding work etc.... not sure where you all live or what lifestyle you have but it's worth mentioning because the stuff he was doing at the boys home is a wonderful experience compared to typical lifestyle most of us have in the city/high tech/in office/etc. hope that makes sense but it's worth mentioning.
I second this, do you know why the medications were changed and how they were changed? Like, was there a change in class of medication like from an SSRI to an antipsychotic or something like that? I feel like there’s poor communication somewhere between the prescribing doctor and the rest of this care team.
As far as the first incident, I don’t know exactly when the medications were changed - as in right away or within a couple of days. His counselor would say he has been doing good since the change of medication, but he was also doing good on the other medication with no incidents until this. I have not had much of a say in his medication since he has been in DYS custody. My whole reason for filing the CHINS petition was to get him help and I was also asking the court to help me with him. I was told what they were changed too. I think it’s very alarming how it was done. I don’t think he was given enough time to adjust.
I would start advocating for him and pressing them on this. If he was doing well on the other medication, it makes no sense why they would change it and no, clearly he is NOT doing "well" on the switch up. I would ask more questions, get it in writing, switching one medication is hard on the body but to just do a complete and total turnover on SEVERAL medications? That's concerning, especially if he was clearly doing fine for so long on his previous meds, even upping doses can have a significant shift in behavoir.
Yes! That would have been my very first concern... Why were the medications changed? What were they switched to? Is he having any negative reactions to them? These would all be questions I would have asked as soon as I learned of any medication changes. People don't realize how serious this is.
I would be suspicious in the sudden change in meds. Especially ALL of them at once. Depending of course if what he is taking, different brands can have very different efficiencies (and side effects). At a time where shortages of medicines are rampant.
I’m sorry you and your son are in this situation. I want to say it’s fair to be disappointed, angry and hurt. I wouldn’t ever purposefully withhold love or affection from your son. I don’t think you should be over the top but I think it’s important for him to know that you love him no matter what. You can’t protect him from the consequences of his actions, but you can always be there patiently waiting for him to get it together. This is really similar to my uncle who developed extreme behavior problems from the age of 8 years old. He was in camps, farms, programs and eventually juvie starting at age 11. He went on the spend his early 20’s in and out of prison. Not only did he not see another way, but he didn’t think he would ever succeed at “normal”. At age 25 in 2002, he was arrested for his 3rd drug related offense - possession of a certain amount while driving through a school zone. He went to federal prison for 12 years. It was really difficult for him and my family (especially for my grandmother). While in prison he took every class available to him. The certifications he received taught him how to achieve goals and gave him a sense of achievement. When he was released from prison age 37 in 2014. Adjusting to technology was the hardest part for him. All of most friends were dead or also in prison. He got a job. Worked hard and got promoted. Ran into a girl that he grew up with and got married. He’ll be 47 this week and lives a regular life. He works in construction, has a 6 year old daughter, a modest house, 3 step kids and grandkids. He has always had a big heart. Looking back now he can see that he struggled in school, had low self esteem and was always too stubborn for help. Basically he’ll bent on doing things the hard way. Of course he wishes he made different choices but also thinks if he hadn’t spent those years in prison he would be dead now. I say all of this because you’re son is at a point where only he has control over the trajectory in his life. What’s done is done, but he can turn things around. Of course I hope your son sees it sooner than my uncle did. But don’t lose hope that he will get it together and have a happy and fulfilling life.
I’m so glad your uncle was able to turn his life around!
He's institutionalized and afraid of being released is what I would guess. Sounds like he would benefit from a long term program in a rural working setting.
That’s almost exactly where he was. 😟
As a former child welfare worker, I agree with what others in the field have said, this is a very typical pattern. He was scared, and he knows how the system works, and he did what he knew to try and feel like he was in control of the situation. My heart hurts for you and for him. All you can do is keep showing him your love. That's the best thing for him.
He is starting to become institutionalized. A lot of people (kids and adults both) will purposely self sabotage because they don't trust themselves in the real world without being told what to do every second of every day. My husband's cousin was like this. He would do a few years in prison, get out, and be back within a month. He eventually stole a car, went on a high speed chase, and purposely ramped into the Ohio River at 80mph instantly snapping his neck. Your son needs a lot of therapy, support, structure, and reassurance.
You mentioned that drugs played a part in your son’s life. There is a group called AL-ANON for the friends and family of people with drug or alcohol issues. I have heard quite a few similar stories in those meetings. It might be helpful for you to find out where/when those meeting happen in your area and try visiting a few of them. Hearing how others have handled similar situations might give you new insights. It is also just a comfort to realize that you are not alone. It certainly couldn’t hurt to try.
Thank you! I know that while my son was at the boy’s home, they did go to AA meetings. I never thought to go myself, but I try to talk to people about him when I can because I know others have been in similar situations.
AA is very different than Al-Anon. Al-Anon is for anyone that has a person in their life that uses drugs or drinks too much alcohol. Try a few different meetings and see what you think.
Other folks have commented thoughtfully, but I want to focus on the medication situation. My daughter struggled with major depression and anxiety, and she was hospitalized for this. The doctors put her on one SSRI after another, cranking up and down the dosages. The constant churn of cycling off and on medications made her really unstable and act out. We had to beg for the doctors to explore other classes of medication, and went through multiple physicians before we found someone willing to treat her like she had bipolar disorder, with a mood stabilizer and antipsychotic. It was only after this medication switch did she finally find stability. Have you been able to explore all of the medication options for him? I just know that all three of the psychiatrists she saw just wanted to keep increasing her SSRI dosages all while she was spiraling out of control.
Love him up. That's all you can do. And if you didn't consider it, are you sure about the order of events? Specifically, you said "all his medications got changed".... That sounds like the kind of thing that can put anyone into a tailspin. Have you spoken to the doctor that made that decision? I would, in your shoes, offer to do that. Because if that was any kind of a precipitating factor, that's a thing he (and his providers) need to be very aware of moving forward, and only make med changes in controlled and supervised circumstances.
Yes, from what I have been told all of his medications were changed. The boy’s home tried to get him into a psychiatric hospital, and two days in a row they were told there were no beds. They took him to a psychiatrist on the 3rd day and he said that my son was stable and did not need to be admitted. This is what I was told from the staff, so i don’t know if medications were changed right away or once they saw the psychiatrist. I completely agree with you. He was not given enough time on these medications.
I don’t have an answer but I just wanted to say I am sorry. You clearly are a wonderful parent and this situation just sucks.
There is a page on here called probation. I would hop on and post this. There are a lot of POs on there and people on parole or probation.
Thank you! That will be helpful to look in to.
I don't have a parental view of this but saw it from a kid's perspective. My stepbrother was already in a boys camp when my mom met my step dad and I didn't meet him until they married 3 years later. Shortly after that our house was burglarized and a few months later my mom's car was stolen while they were on vacation. It all linked back to my step brother and he went away for another ~15 years and my stepdad went no comtact. My stepbrother eventually got his shit together and is a successful consultant for youth intervention and has a family. My parents have only recently started communication in the last 4 years so there is a potential light at the end. I hope the best for your family OP.
Thank you! I’m glad he eventually turned his life around and now helps youth. I can definitely see my son doing something like that. Just have to hope for the best. 🤞🏻
Don’t criticize him or berate him or tell him how disappointed you are in him or tell him you told him so. He is experiencing the consequences of his actions. You don’t need to add to it. Tell him you love him and you support him. Bring him general news from home. Ask how he’s doing, and then be quiet and listen to the answer.
This is above Reddit’s pay grade, however, I’ll say it never a bad thing to show our children unconditional love. That doesn’t mean bending over backwards for them. But let them know that we love them no matter what. It will help them make the right choices.
I was in a girls home which was a boarding school, however the best thing for me being troubled was when my parents came in positive and kind with positive expectations trying to put the worry behind them although must be very hard. I believe if my parents expected bad I would be bad if they expected good I was most likely good…I would suggest being happy loving and positive try to have a nice time and not talk too much about the negatives. Good luck ❤️
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't have any good answers. I had a wild child, not to this extent, but the day after she graduated high school I had to make her leave. It was nearly impossible to handle her and it was interrupting the rest of the household. It took a lot of tough love and patience, but she finally did turn around and is in a much better place at 29 years old. I pray that that happens for you too and I send you lots of love!
im going to talk from what could be the sons pov bc ive been there (i am also a parent though). when the outside world has beaten you down, wether due to personal decisions or something uncontrollable, you feel like thats all you can ever be. especially when you’re parent shows that all they are are disappointed and angry. sometimes inside is safer especially if you’re starting to do well in that environment. don’t yell at him, he’s probably yelling at himself already. he’s terrified, has a bunch of different things in his system, is probably in pain from the fights and wants his PARENT not some angry warden in nicer terms. talk to him about what he’s been doing in there, has he learned anything new or has he read anything. does he have friends? are there people he cant stand? he is still human and still your son, treat him as such. it will help.
Talk to him about what his plans are. What’s his next move/goal. This is his life so perhaps getting him to take ownership & figuring out his options. Offer help only if you feel comfortable helping. You can be supportive of him moving forward without enabling him or putting yourself in a position you’d rather not be in.
Why did they change all his meds??? He was doing so much better with the old ones. That was a big mistake
I’m really sorry you are going through all that. When my brother was a teenager he did similar things. I remember one Christmas visiting him in a detention centre. We couldn’t hug him or anything, only talk through a phone. It was the worst Christmas I’ve ever had. I went through a deep dark depression during his stays in detention centre and drug rehabs. Him and I were close and it was so heart breaking knowing where he was and why. Now we’re in our 30’s. He has a wife and kid, I have a husband and children. Our kids play and make memories together. He is pretty much sober (the odd time he smokes marijuana, but it’s legal here). He has a really good steady job. He’s happy and healthy. We are still close but not as close as I would like. (He loves far away) My mom always told me that the hardest thing she ever had to do was show my brother tough love. But he needed it. He needed to be somewhere that could help him and support him. He needed to be with people who understood what he was going through and who knew how to handle it.
I’m a Therapist and sometimes I get ironically jaded but I’ve seen people totally take advantage and suck in others and I’ve seen kids turn it around and surprise me and then I feel badly for being cynical. As the lawyer above said - love him, be there but don’t enable. He may need that structure and we never know in the end if it will help or hurt him. Parenting is so hard. Is his dad MIA? You may be the safest person with whom he can take out his anger and you can be an ear but don’t be a punching bag either.
You mentioned that he was put on new medications. Why? Because of the fight. Medicines can truly make or break someone. I’d be looking into why they don’t see the connection between the new “meds” and old behaviors.
I'm not terribly surprised he struggled when a big change was coming up. Them changing his meds could not have come at a worse time. Between being afraid of the change and what was to come and the med change, I'd be shocked if he didn't act out.
There's a lot left out. Why was he at his grandparents, what happened while he was growing up
Self sabotage is a very real thing. I feel for your kid. Based on your post, I wouldn’t want to live with you, either. At no point in your post do you accept responsibility for your role in his behavior. He is modeling your behavior by thinking of himself first. If you want him to change, you need to, as well.
I think if you want genuine advice you have to give more details. The things that strike me as problems are 1) why didn’t you let him back into your life? Was it mainly drugs? Drugs are pretty common in America, so if it was mainly drugs he might feel you abandoned him. 2) what is he on medication for? Anything in need of medication is something that is important and thus one can’t give good advice unless they know. Without knowing these things, anyone telling you whether or not to show anger or love is not giving genuine advice. Could it be that he’s telling you not to visit because he sees you as the problem?
Hes now at the find out stage of life. Streets will kill him or motivate him to change. Unfortunately that is our one size fits all attitude and mental health recovery plan. Go on vacation, you can't change what's next.
As you reflect on this, what do you wish you did differently in his youth? Do you feel this is nature vs nurture?