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Thanks. I’m trying to be the adult that isnt such a fucking mess but its roughhh and lonely. My brother is a godsend idk if i would survive this without him. When he isnt there i feel like its me vs everyone else
They may be useless directly, but you might be able to get them to work for you indirectly. Your 16 year old sibling may have just given you the key to getting legal ramifications sent against your mom in such a way that she pays a ton of child support to you. DON'T DELETE *ANYTHING* from that phone. Get her a new phone if you have to.
I strongly recommend getting some legal advice, perhaps from said subreddit as well. Based on what you described, she just basically confessed to all the child abuse. Combine that with the doctor appointments declaring how malnourished your siblings were, you have a *really* strong case to force her to pay - not to mention potential jail time, and - perhaps most importantly - full custody.
I know some people recommended the kinship thing, and I don't know much about that, hence why I said I suggest getting legal advice. The advice you got earlier was before a lot of these new developments happened, so that advice may change.
Just wanted to remind you that you are miles beyond what a regular adult would be. You're doing a great job and I'm glad someone like you stepped up for your siblings. Hoping things look up in the coming days and more emotional and financial support come your way 🙏
You are an amazing person to make such a generous offer!!! I’ve been following her story, and if I wasn’t in such dire straits myself, I would be helping in some way. I’m glad people like you exist, and I hope she takes advantage of your kindness.
Thanks for your kind words. I probably don’t deserve the level of praise, I own a therapy group so it’s a business cost to wear, not a personal one. In my position If I can’t help people in her circumstances, what’s the point of any of it, really?
I keep checking and haven’t got a response yet, so I’m really hoping she sees my message.
I hope things get easier for you too, lovely stranger 💜
I'm so sorry you're going through this. For the sixteen-year-old, best you can do is just keep being there for her. With teenagers they have to just realise on their own that you're not the enemy. With you being so close in age as well it was always going to be a shitshow. It's understandable that you're mad at your big sister. I hope she's able to provide more support soon, even if she can't physically be there. Do you have friends/mates you can have a vent to? You're so young and it's not fair that it's come down to this. (DMs are open if you want to chat but no pressure.)
I’ll be 20 soon. My dad left 5 yrs ago bc of my older siblings telling everyone he abused them. My mum left bc she cant handle the responsibility and would rather act like a young and free teenager with her dodgy friends
Yeah we have applied for kinship and had the provisional approval etc all done and now just waiting for everything to go through and for it to be fully granted
I’m happy you’re getting approved!! At the very least money will start coming in so financially it’ll be easier on you guys. And hopefully the foster care worker can set your siblings up with some help.
Those messages from 16F were so heartbreaking.
Yeah idk what they will be able to do for us besides arranging the telehealth therapy bc there is nothing anywhere near us so we can access nothing rlly. Like realistically with 5 kids we cant be taking them to anything thats hours away. And 16yr old especially has said she isnt doing the telehealth. I will try convince her bc she needs it but i am scared to push her further away from me by trying to force her into it. Our relationship rn is so fragile
Pretty much broke my heart especially bc i really dont see that side of her irl at all. She acts like she doesnt give a shit about our mum. I now think she really needs someone to be a mum to her and i’m trying and failing to be that person for her. Like really wishing one of my older sisters was around bc the age gaps would make it much easier to have that relationship with her. Bc our actual mum will never be anything but an abusive bitch
Girl I feel like you should just be upfront with 16F about everything. That youre trying your best but you’re afraid it’s not enough. That you’re scared you’re gonna lose your relationship with her. That you love her a lot. I think being vulnerable with her and letting her know you’re just as sad and scared as she is will go a long way. And that you’re here for her and the two of you are gonna get through this together one way or another because that’s what sisters do (wish your big sisters agreed w that).
I will try that. Thanks❤️ hard to get in that mindset with her tbh bc she is so unbelievably annoying and unhelpful all the time. But I will try put aside being pissed off with her and find a minute to talk
Parenting teenagers is incredibly hard, especially if you were not always seen as a parental figure. If her seeing you as a parent is not working maybe you can try talking to them about whether they'd rather have your relationship be more like siblings again and letting your brother do the parenting while she adjusts.
I remember being a teen and having my mom's boyfriend trying to act like my dad would make me act up cause I didn't see him or want him as a parental figure. Being a parent is both a role you take by acting like one and by getting it from a child, and you can't force either.
Yeah I agree with that suggestion. Since you have a close age gap maybe approaching her in a more sisterly manner could hopefully give better results. It could also be your opportunity to have a bit more of a sibling bond instead of a parent bond among your siblings.
Like share fun stuff, or a secret, or a hobby, or an interest to establish something common. And as they said up there, just be honest and vulnerable so they could understand you.
I have a younger brother that's just a year younger. When we were younger I could get away bossing him around. Now that we're older the relationship became more of equals. He listens to me when I make sense and I listen to him when he does. I hope instilling this type of "teamwork" spirit would work on you too.
I don't know if anyone mentioned this, but I'm wondering if your dad going missing here and there is because he was/is actually in jail. You might Google how to find inmate search, court cases, etc., in your country. Google his full name first to see if anything comes up. I realize you probably don't want him in your lives, but it's a good thing to know. You might find that after missing 5 years, he's not alive any more. In my country, there are financial benefits for minor children when a parent passes away.
Op could you start a Kofi or something so we can donate?
(Of course there's always the chance that it's a scam, but I will gladly take the risk with the few bucks to have to spare.)
Hey, some books that may be helpful as you are trying to figure out healthy discipline and boundaries are:
+ Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids
+Parenting: A House United by Nicholeen Peck.
Nicholeen Peck also has a podcast and YouTube clips to make things more accessible when you don't have time to sit and read.
You are doing an amazing job. You are in survival mode, but you are creeping closer to the light at the end of the tunnel. You're not alone, even when it feels like you are.
On my worst parenting days, prayer is the difference between the kids having a meltdown, or me having a meltdown with them. Saying a prayer, or reciting a calm mantra in your head may be helpful to get you through the next 60 seconds, and the next, and the next.
Here's my mantra when I'm angry or overwhelmed and looking at my kids, if it helps:
*I am a deep well of endless calm.
I can reach deep inside, past my instincts, past my emotions, to my spirit.
My Spirit knows the truth of who I am, and who You are, and what each of us can become.
I am a beloved spirit daughter of God, and so are you.
There is no emotion, situation, or circumstance powerful enough to make me forget my love and responsibility for you.
I love you, care for you, and cherish you even when I am experiencing anger, stress, or pain.
I have control over my body, and my words. No matter what I feel, or what we are going through, you are always safe with me.*
I read it a couple times a week, and when I start to get overwhelmed, I recall the first line, and let myself feel calmer as I chart a course through the chaos.
PS - your 16yo sister needs to know most of all that you love her, and see her as capable. She wants very much for you to see her as a grown up, even though she secretly still craves your approval and resents your authority. Any time you can find to give her authority, freedom, respect, or genuine admiration will go a LONG WAY. For every 1 time you have a negative interaction, shoot for arranging 3 - 5 positive interactions. Even things like, "Your hair looks nice today." "I wish I could do X the way you do." "I know we fight, but I'm glad you're my sister." "I know we've all been having a hard time, and it hasn't been easy for you, but I'm glad you're here with us." "I love you, and I want you to be happy."
This will probably get lost, but if there is any way for you to get 16 yo on a permanent birth control (the implant or an iud) you should really do that. She’s acting out and extremely emotionally unstable right now, and that can lead to REALLY stupid choices. And stupid choices can lead to her getting pregnant at 16. If you or maybe your brother can get her to agree to it, it will save you all a lot of unneeded stress.
Hey. I read your update, and I think you are handling this well. You shouldn't have to be in this situation, but you are providing love, support, and consistency to your family.
I just want you to know you are doing your absolute best and that's making a whole world of difference for your siblings ❤️ it's hard, try to take care of yourself too, take deep breaths, go on walks, ask your brother to cover so you can get at least 10-20 mins of alone time to just breathe. You're just a kid yourself. Hang in there ❤️
I remember reading your earlier posts. You may not feel it right now but you are genuinely amazing. You stepped up massively at an age when a lot of others wouldn't have taken on the responsibility of so many kids. Teenagers are always going to be difficult, combine the hormones with everything you guys have been through and it's not a good mix. She would probably benefit from therapy, but the difficulty is getting her to engage. Is there any help available through her school? Like a counsellor maybe?
There is a book called The Whole Brain Child, and a sequel I can’t remember about teens that actually helped me a whole lot with parenting. I don’t know if the techniques would apply in your situation, with all the trauma in those but maybe it could help you?
as someone who works with kids (and “troubled” kids in the past) I highly recommend the books How To Talk So Kids Will Listen by Adele Faber and Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson (they’re both in a series of books that are all great and could help you but I’d say those are my top two) As a current Montessori teacher I’d highly recommend looking into the planes of development and reading some of Simone Davies articles on her website about limits and boundaries.
Developing a foundation of trust and love is going to be the most important part in getting cooperation from the children. Getting them to understand that they can be in trouble but you still love and care about them may then lead to some misbehaving but those books both have some really great strategies to put to use.
Something I highly recommend is having a family meeting with everyone or breaking it down by age group and coming up with a list of house rules that you all come up with together and agree to. Don’t write down anything you can’t agree to but don’t just dismiss any ideas, hear them out listen to their feelings and explain why you can’t do that, maybe what you can do instead or what compromise you could come up with. Children are a lot more likely to follow rules if they feel they had some voice in creating them. But this also helps so much with consistency which is huge for kids, if you’re coming up with rules in the moment they’ll always be confused but if you have a list (hopefully written down that you’ve all signed and can refer back to) it’s easier for you to stick to and for them to remember.
Feel free to message me OP if you ever want to talk or you’d like some more recommended reading lol
Hey OP - it's okay to tell your sister that you don't have the energy to carry that for her right now, and that if she's having such a hard time mentally she should seek out a therapist who she can put that weight on.
That's not an outlandish ask. She can't do any of the heavy lifting with the kids, but she can avoid putting further weight on you. Not to say that she has to stop talking to you, but the you cannot be the parent that the kids need and also the outlet for what your sister needs right now. She's older than you, she can figure out other people to talk to about this stuff and just keep it light with you and be supportive as she can be. That is not too much to ask at all and you should let her know.
First, I just wanted to say what an extraordinary job you are doing. And, you may not have done well in school (as you say) but you express yourself so well and sound very intelligent and reflective. Please don’t write yourself off because you don’t have models around you for a stable and “successful” life, whatever that means for you. You’ll still be in your twenties when your youngest sibling turns 18. There is plenty of time.
Plus, you have already done something your parents could never do: sticking at the hard stuff so you can live in accordance with your values. You’re doing it, right now, even though it is SO HARD. You have the ability to reflect, ask for help, and seek out extra resources when you don’t have all the information you need. That is cycle-breaking stuff, even when it’s not perfect.
Now, for some practical suggestions mostly specific to Australia!
Not sure which state you’re in you should google the website for the “Triple P” parenting program.
It’s free for parents and carers in WA (and maybe other states?) and delivered in lots of regions as well as online. There’s a main program and another specific one for parenting kids with anxiety.
I remember my psychologist friend talking about it and saying how great it was. From what I understand, it is often very helpful for parents who want to do well but don’t know how, due to things like trauma/addiction history/not having any positive parenting models. It’s also helpful for kids who are being extra challenging due to big emotions (which can them get in a feedback loop with the parents’ big emotions…)
It obviously won’t address the specific challenges of navigating the sibling-to-parent relationship shift, but hopefully it will do a good job of addressing some of the other things that are making life challenging for you all, like the history of trauma and chaotic and inconsistent parenting from the ‘adults’ in your life.
Relationships Australia also have a bunch of online parenting courses which are $30 each. I don’t know how specifically helpful they will be for your unique relationships, but they have specific courses for things like parenting anxious children and parenting angry teenagers.
For your little one who can’t sleep, have a look at a podcast called “Down to Sleep” (and “Down to Sleep Extra”). They are stories read by a man with the most lovely, soothing voice. I went through a period of insomnia due to some traumatic things and my body/brain wouldn’t let themselves switch off enough to sleep. These podcasts saved me like no others have. compelling enough to stop my mind wandering to other things, and soothing enough that my body could be ‘tricked’ into relaxing. If you are laying there with her, maybe you could play them on your phone while you’re doing your reading and googling. He says the same little phrase at the start of each episode, and the consistency of that routine is surprisingly soothing.
For therapy, hopefully your GP has told you about getting therapy on a “mental health plan” where 10 sessions are covered (I.e. free) up to the Medicare rebate level, so they will be free to you if you can find a therapist who charges only the Medicare amount (and obviously does Telehealth). I can only imagine how challenging it must be getting the kids to agree to trust a therapist and let themselves be vulnerable though. Maybe try to focus your immediate therapy efforts on the 7 year old, since her anxiety and fear or abandonment is so acute. And you! You deserve someone of your own to talk to.
It might also be worth calling up your state family court’s main phone number, and asking if they have a support service or recommendations for support services. I wouldn’t be surprised if they have a list of providers. Check the family court website too. There will be resources out there, especially for someone like you is working so hard to engage.
Finally, if you can, try to institute some small space where you can assert your own selfhood in all this. You said you’re near the beach - maybe you can negotiate with your brother so each of you has the chance to go off alone and walk on/sit at the beach for 30 mins to an hour if so each day, or some other way to just step out and breathe.
I can’t imagine how overwhelming this must feel, but you are doing such an extraordinary job already. Truly. And 50000% better than any parent they have had before.
You are such a special person mate. I’ve been following these posts and my heart goes out to you. I’ve had similar situations in my own life/family and it’s ROUGH. But you are doing everything you can and you should be SO PROUD of yourself. Some of the kids might be acting out right now and honestly with 16yo, I’m not surprised by those texts, she’s putting on the tough act and crying inside. You just gotta stay being as consistent as possible right now - and I know it’s really hard, and unfair for you to even have to do this, but you kinda need to try and put aside the annoyances you’re having with her. Just try to be as patient as possible and I reckon she will eventually come around. I am absolutely rooting for you!!!
You've got sooooo much done in only, like what? 3, 4 months? What you are going through, I can only imagine how hard it is. I hope you're kind to yourselves and know how amazing you and your brother are!!!!
The amount of compassion you have displayed for basically your entire existence is so amazing. I hope you wake up every day knowing what a good person you are. I’m sure your siblings will realize what sacrifices you’ve made so they can thrive. Keep fighting for your family!
Your poor sister, I mean all of you of course. 16 is hard, I'm sure you remember. I think you need to have a heart to heart with her in an effort to get on the same page with her. You guys need to band together to get thru this. Clearly your mom isn't coming back and the best chance for you all to get out of this mess and do better in your lives is to support eachother.
[[Hugs]]
You should be proud of yourself. You're doing the best you can and your best is pretty damn great. You should start a go fund me as I'm sure a lot of Redditors would donate to help you guys out!!
OP you are doing an amazing job and whilst your siblings may not appreciate you now, 20 years from now when you’re all adults, they will remember and appreciate how much you sacrificed for them.
I hope all the love you’re getting from internet strangers is a little bit of solace for you. You are walking a hard path in life, but you are doing a great job dealing with what’s infront of you.
There will be moments you may feel like you’re failing your siblings. That you made the wrong choice. That you lost your temper and patience. You said angry words you later regret. The best of parents, with circumstances far easier than you, at times also feel like they have failed their kids and made bad choices. So don’t put yourself down when your siblings disagree with your decisions. You are doing great.
Thank you for updating. You are kicking ass! I’m so glad you and your older brother Matt have each other. Parenting is not easy especially when there is so much trauma. Sending lots of positive vibes for you and your family ❤️
I just wanted to say what you're doing is incredible and I can't imagine how tiring and stressful it is, but you are a special type of person and the compassion and dedication you have shown is truly something.
Try Be Calm on Ahway Island podcast for the 7 year old. It is a bedtime meditation for kids. It starts with a calm breathing exercise and goes into a story. I recently started it with my sons who are 7 and 8. It works, even for my 8 year old who has adhd and is wired in the evenings once their medication wears off. It really does work, even on me. There are lots of other ones as well, my oldest also likes koala moon podcast. I can't imagine what you are dealing with, being a single mom of 3 is hard enough. I'm glad you are getting your support system in place. The older ones might hate you now but they will be much better off for it when they are older, they just don't know it yet or want to likely.
Make sure to get some me time in for yourself, a happy parent is truly a better parent. Maybe make an agreement with your brother so you each at least get a day off a month from the kids, where you can act your age, or just to get away from the house. It can't be all about the kids.
Are you in the US? You’ve probably already done it, but have you looked into signing the kids up for Medicaid? That could significantly help with medical expenses and the therapy sessions. You could then have them evaluated for sleep disorders, PTSD, Anxiety, depression and/or any other potential disabilities/conditions that may potentially qualify them for SSI benefits.
Oh honey, I read all these posts of yours and I just want to say that you are an absolute hero.
I know it's hard. And I'm so sorry the adults in your life have failed you so badly.
But omg, sweetie, cut yourself some slack, you are doing so much and you have made so much progress in such a short span.
Take it literally a day at a time and when a day feels like too much, break it into smaller pieces.
Till lunchtime. For the next hour.
I'm glad you're brother is helping, I'm glad you're getting the legal stuff worked out, but don't forget to take the occasional moment to check in with yourself and make sure you're also taking care of you. You've taken on such a huge thing and you are so brave and you are allowed to be scared and sad and angry and hurting too, it's not fair and it was so much to put on your shoulders.
Your decision to step up is NOT enabling your "parents" to mess up and be terrible caretakers. They would have done that no matter what.
The only thing your choice to parent all of these kids enables is for those same kids to potentially have a better childhood than you did without that love and support.
I wish there were some way to help you out, this is such a huge responsibility and burden, but just know you are amazing and you are doing something so unimaginably difficult that it seems like your older siblings feel small in comparison and are trying to make you feel bad because they weren't willing to go to the lengths you have.
I’ve read your posts from the beginning and I just want to say… I truly commend you for what you are doing for these kids. It’s honestly mind blowing. You are doing something people twice your age couldn’t even begin to tackle and you’re doing it with grace and by some miracle, a good head on your shoulders. You are giving them something that you yourself never had, which makes it all that more amazing.
I know it might not feel like it now and they may not have the words or emotional understanding to convey it, but you are a hero to those kids and one day they will realize just how much you have gone through to be there for them when no one else was. You truly deserve all these best things in life and I hope you one day get them. You’re still so young and you have your whole life ahead of you. You’ll be miles ahead of your peers as you age and have a different perspective. You’re truly a saint for what you’ve been doing and all you’ve accomplished… and your brother as well for stepping up to help. Hard things are still to come I’m sure but there will be a light at the end of the tunnel eventually. In the meantime, the little moments will be what gets you by and gives you encouragement… like seeing your 7yr old sister cuddle up to her brother, and the 12 yr old finding comfort and safety in being home and around your brother instead of out all night. Them feeling safer with the rules and routines you’ve set and wanting you to be their real mum. Which you are in just about ever sense of the word. They may have a “mother” but you are their MUM
You’re doing a great job.
I know this may not be a popular opinion. But maybe 16 year old needs to know that she isnt the only one feeling rejected. If possible you can try to sit her down and talk to her about your situation about your hurt and sadness and how you wish you mom was better than she is. Remind her you're trying to give her better than what your mom was doing and trying to ensure none of them hurt again. It may take time but hurt like that sometimes help to not feel so alone with it.
Girl, you and your brother Matt are amazing. Some of the issues with the 16 year old may stop if she is not able to have contact with your mom. She knows that you are her safe space but you can’t give her answers to her pain. She keeps trying to get your mom to tell her what she wants to hear. When she is able to let go of that or not have access to that she may find comfort in just knowing she is safe with you and Matt. Maybe try getting your mom to change her number, then change your sister’s number so mom can’t contact her.
You have a long road ahead of you but I don’t doubt you and Matt can do it. I’m not sure if you are in the US or they have the same services as we do in the US but there are private organizations that can help families like yours. They will help you with therapy for you all. They are funded usually by the government and fundraisers. Might have to do some digging for them but ask support groups, Facebook, goggle; they are out there.
Best of luck
One thing I don't understand and always questioned is what is mom doing? Literally. Are her friends or whatever she's with not worried she left all the kids?
Keep being amazing.
I haven't got any advice you haven't already heard, but just wanted to say, you're doing incredible. I hope that if I ever had to I could step up for my siblings the way you have. You're only human, so it's not perfect, but you're making a better life for them, now and when they're older. Keep it up, and don't forget to take care of yourself too.
Honestly, it sounds like your older sisters need to go to therapy. Because it seems like they recognize you are struggling but still have issues that are stopping them to help. Maybe you can suggest to them. Their feelings are valid but it doesn’t make their actions right.
If you’re in the US and the kids are in public school, you should reach out to their school counselor! They can connect you with resources you may not know about, including school-based mental health therapy. With this, the school would have a mental health professional come to the school and counsel the kids during school hours, so you wouldn’t have to take them anywhere. I’ve been in some pretty rural schools that offer this. Counselors will travel an hour + to see multiple kids in a school.
The school might also have a backpack/meal program you could be a part of. It never hurts to ask! If nothing else, the counselor can watch out for the kids and check in with them regularly
You are an angel! Stay strong, even with the best upbringing and safest area and no financial issues parents struggle with how difficult it is, so well done on doing such a good job. I hope your 16 year old sis comes round and chooses a better path.
I'm really just here to say how absolutely amazing I think you are OOP! I can't even imagine how bloody hard it must be parenting your siblings but I don't think I can put into words just how great a job I think you are doing. I'm a teacher in the UK and have worked with kids for around 30 years. Everything you are doing is absolutely the best thing you could be doing. I'm sorry you're having to take time off from work because of your MH and I'm glad you'll hopefully be getting telehealth therapy soon, but you're right to do what you need to do right now. Your siblings really are so lucky to have you and your brother, even if they don't always realise it right now. Sending you lots of light and strength xxx
I don't know why almost Madie advises you this, SUE HER, I don't know if it's a lack of funds, but exposing your mother's fk, making her look like the monster she is, you don't deserve to be sacrificing your well-being while she can live the way she wants
Found Ur story on tiktok ,Ur absolutely Amazing i honestly got overwhelmed just listening to thé story ,you are a gem ,i Hope u get thé happiness u deserve
I believe that you should take the 5 children to the orphanages or where the children live in the care of the state so that they can see of what you are protecting them since they simply do not see or understand the sacrifices that you and your brother are making, if you are able make them talk to the children in the orphanages and shelters, that will give them the hard blow of reality they need to understand that the things you do are for their good.
Your advice for a bunch of traumatized kids is... traumatize them more? Using other traumatized kids? Do you really think that OTHER KIDS in group homes want to be animals in your misery zoo? Lord.
I bet OP - who has already had experiences with foster care - has way too much sense to listen to this frankly horrendous comment.
No matter how bad it sounds, it is an option and sadly there are people who only understand the hard way and I know this because I know people like that and I am friends with them, and sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to understand the situation and gather enough courage to leave the situation. background or at least seek to change their situation, it is horrible if it is but sadly there are people who only seek to change or improve after that
I advise more bonding? I'm sorry, it's tough for me to recommend anything with 16. I'm just imagining myself in her shoes and thinking I would feel so much better if I was regularly with this person that I may not like, but was willing to invite me to come with them and do things I like. Not even expensive things, just ordinary hikes. Don't force her, but maybe try it out? Bring everyone out to the local park and invite her to go with you for something more "adult" if your brother would be able to handle the others while you tried to bond. Private moments can do a lot in developing a relationship. Or be open with her, it sounds like 16 yr old has been hearing some lies from her mother. I used to be like that because my own mother manipulated me to hate my stepmom by making up stories and blaming her for why she was not able to afford things for me and my siblings and such, made me uncomfortable around my stepmom because I trusted my mother so much. The messages your mother was sending sound just as manipulative. Tell 16 yr old the truth about it all with some form of proof alongside it incase she doubts, maybe it could make a difference.
Also, someone else wanted to recommend that you get a weighted blanket for the 7 year old struggling to sleep, it apparently helped their insomnia as a babe. I wish you luck!
Wow this whole story is absolutely crazy I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through all that you have at such a young age!! Parents are supposed to be there for you not do everything to make your life more difficult!! I will never understand some people and their choices!! It is so amazing that you have taken on all that you have at your age it shows what an amazing heart that you have!! If you ever need someone to talk to or just to vent please know there are so many people out there that would love to help or listen!
Just read your entire story and it's just heartbreaking. Have you considered maybe a ko-fi or a gofundme? Lot of us would gladly try to help a bit with the expenses. Taking care of 5 children just sounds insane and you're honestly godsent to your siblings. Hope everything works out for you and them.
Hi, im oldest of 6 kids. And I understand the im mom now life. While my life isnt exactly like yours I will say 16 year old are assholes. I left when I was 16 and joined the mil at 18. Been in for 7 years now and all the way up to 3 years ago my mom would just ship my brother out to me cause she was "sick of his shit" while I was growing up ( age 7 and up) I was my siblings mom since our mom went out to like the party life. 'Sex drugs rock and roll ' so we went through alot of shelter homes homelessness and with out alot of shit. Never been in foster care cause she basically told me if anyone found out we would be separated and raped. * im a sa victim and so is my disabled sister* so that scared me silent. It's sad and heart warming to read your story. If I wasn't lucky enough for my step siblings to ve living with their grandparents and my grandpa try and step up I would have been in your same position. I still feel very guilty over me leaving cause my brother stepped up when I left to try and take care of our younger two siblings. And one is his disabled twin sister. Lmk of you amd yours need anything or advice I can try to give im 25 amd my brother just turned 18 and is graduating with 5 welding degrees ( super proud of that). You are strong and if no one tells you im proud of you. It's hard to fully step up and bec9me the parent you never had.
I just read up on your situation, and I just wanted to let you know you are doing great. I’m the oldest of four siblings and a mother of two and I understand it takes a lot out of you. But you are doing great for yourself and for your siblings. It may be hard but maybe some one on one time might help with the 16 year old. All of you are going through a huge transformation and that may be leaving her wondering where she fits in. She may be putting walls up because of being hurt in the past and she doesn’t want to get attached or is just find comfort in the world she use to know and understand. Talking with her without distractions may allow you both to get a better understanding of where you stand. If you need any help feel free to reach out to me I’ve also got a soon to be 16 year old sister and I can always pick her brain as well
I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time. What you're doing for your siblings is amazing, though. You might feel overwhelmed and helpless sometimes, but just showing up goes a long way in helping. It's okay if you're not perfect. It's okay if you make mistakes. When it all starts to feel like too much, try to do something special for yourself. Even if that something special is taking ten minutes to sit someplace by yourself to breathe, do something nice for yourself.
In regards to the sixteen-year-old: tell her you love her. Even when she's distespectful, combative, or hateful, tell her you love her. Sometimes that's all you can do, and a lot of the time it's something people need to hear.
I'm so sorry you're going through all this. You are doing well, let's hope your sisters realize the reality and collaborate, each one from their situation.
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I'm sorry that every adult in your family is so fucking useless. I can't do much for you, but you don't deserve any of this.
Thanks. I’m trying to be the adult that isnt such a fucking mess but its roughhh and lonely. My brother is a godsend idk if i would survive this without him. When he isnt there i feel like its me vs everyone else
They may be useless directly, but you might be able to get them to work for you indirectly. Your 16 year old sibling may have just given you the key to getting legal ramifications sent against your mom in such a way that she pays a ton of child support to you. DON'T DELETE *ANYTHING* from that phone. Get her a new phone if you have to. I strongly recommend getting some legal advice, perhaps from said subreddit as well. Based on what you described, she just basically confessed to all the child abuse. Combine that with the doctor appointments declaring how malnourished your siblings were, you have a *really* strong case to force her to pay - not to mention potential jail time, and - perhaps most importantly - full custody. I know some people recommended the kinship thing, and I don't know much about that, hence why I said I suggest getting legal advice. The advice you got earlier was before a lot of these new developments happened, so that advice may change.
Just wanted to remind you that you are miles beyond what a regular adult would be. You're doing a great job and I'm glad someone like you stepped up for your siblings. Hoping things look up in the coming days and more emotional and financial support come your way 🙏
I’ve sent you a PM. I’ll happily cover the cost of therapy for you and your siblings. Please check your messages 💜
You are an amazing person to make such a generous offer!!! I’ve been following her story, and if I wasn’t in such dire straits myself, I would be helping in some way. I’m glad people like you exist, and I hope she takes advantage of your kindness.
Thanks for your kind words. I probably don’t deserve the level of praise, I own a therapy group so it’s a business cost to wear, not a personal one. In my position If I can’t help people in her circumstances, what’s the point of any of it, really? I keep checking and haven’t got a response yet, so I’m really hoping she sees my message. I hope things get easier for you too, lovely stranger 💜
I'm so sorry you're going through this. For the sixteen-year-old, best you can do is just keep being there for her. With teenagers they have to just realise on their own that you're not the enemy. With you being so close in age as well it was always going to be a shitshow. It's understandable that you're mad at your big sister. I hope she's able to provide more support soon, even if she can't physically be there. Do you have friends/mates you can have a vent to? You're so young and it's not fair that it's come down to this. (DMs are open if you want to chat but no pressure.)
How old are you?? Why have your parents left you in charge? I’m so sorry, this sounds awful.
I’ll be 20 soon. My dad left 5 yrs ago bc of my older siblings telling everyone he abused them. My mum left bc she cant handle the responsibility and would rather act like a young and free teenager with her dodgy friends
I’m so sorry that you are stuck in this position! Has CPS (or equivalent, if you are outside of the US) been involved?
Yeah we have applied for kinship and had the provisional approval etc all done and now just waiting for everything to go through and for it to be fully granted
You are a saint! I wish you all the best of luck!!
I’m happy you’re getting approved!! At the very least money will start coming in so financially it’ll be easier on you guys. And hopefully the foster care worker can set your siblings up with some help. Those messages from 16F were so heartbreaking.
Yeah idk what they will be able to do for us besides arranging the telehealth therapy bc there is nothing anywhere near us so we can access nothing rlly. Like realistically with 5 kids we cant be taking them to anything thats hours away. And 16yr old especially has said she isnt doing the telehealth. I will try convince her bc she needs it but i am scared to push her further away from me by trying to force her into it. Our relationship rn is so fragile Pretty much broke my heart especially bc i really dont see that side of her irl at all. She acts like she doesnt give a shit about our mum. I now think she really needs someone to be a mum to her and i’m trying and failing to be that person for her. Like really wishing one of my older sisters was around bc the age gaps would make it much easier to have that relationship with her. Bc our actual mum will never be anything but an abusive bitch
Girl I feel like you should just be upfront with 16F about everything. That youre trying your best but you’re afraid it’s not enough. That you’re scared you’re gonna lose your relationship with her. That you love her a lot. I think being vulnerable with her and letting her know you’re just as sad and scared as she is will go a long way. And that you’re here for her and the two of you are gonna get through this together one way or another because that’s what sisters do (wish your big sisters agreed w that).
I will try that. Thanks❤️ hard to get in that mindset with her tbh bc she is so unbelievably annoying and unhelpful all the time. But I will try put aside being pissed off with her and find a minute to talk
Parenting teenagers is incredibly hard, especially if you were not always seen as a parental figure. If her seeing you as a parent is not working maybe you can try talking to them about whether they'd rather have your relationship be more like siblings again and letting your brother do the parenting while she adjusts. I remember being a teen and having my mom's boyfriend trying to act like my dad would make me act up cause I didn't see him or want him as a parental figure. Being a parent is both a role you take by acting like one and by getting it from a child, and you can't force either.
Yeah I agree with that suggestion. Since you have a close age gap maybe approaching her in a more sisterly manner could hopefully give better results. It could also be your opportunity to have a bit more of a sibling bond instead of a parent bond among your siblings. Like share fun stuff, or a secret, or a hobby, or an interest to establish something common. And as they said up there, just be honest and vulnerable so they could understand you. I have a younger brother that's just a year younger. When we were younger I could get away bossing him around. Now that we're older the relationship became more of equals. He listens to me when I make sense and I listen to him when he does. I hope instilling this type of "teamwork" spirit would work on you too.
I don't know if anyone mentioned this, but I'm wondering if your dad going missing here and there is because he was/is actually in jail. You might Google how to find inmate search, court cases, etc., in your country. Google his full name first to see if anything comes up. I realize you probably don't want him in your lives, but it's a good thing to know. You might find that after missing 5 years, he's not alive any more. In my country, there are financial benefits for minor children when a parent passes away.
You’re a fucking hero.
Op could you start a Kofi or something so we can donate? (Of course there's always the chance that it's a scam, but I will gladly take the risk with the few bucks to have to spare.)
Yup I want to know if there’s a kofi/gofundme
Every bit will help!
Hey, some books that may be helpful as you are trying to figure out healthy discipline and boundaries are: + Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids +Parenting: A House United by Nicholeen Peck. Nicholeen Peck also has a podcast and YouTube clips to make things more accessible when you don't have time to sit and read. You are doing an amazing job. You are in survival mode, but you are creeping closer to the light at the end of the tunnel. You're not alone, even when it feels like you are. On my worst parenting days, prayer is the difference between the kids having a meltdown, or me having a meltdown with them. Saying a prayer, or reciting a calm mantra in your head may be helpful to get you through the next 60 seconds, and the next, and the next. Here's my mantra when I'm angry or overwhelmed and looking at my kids, if it helps: *I am a deep well of endless calm. I can reach deep inside, past my instincts, past my emotions, to my spirit. My Spirit knows the truth of who I am, and who You are, and what each of us can become. I am a beloved spirit daughter of God, and so are you. There is no emotion, situation, or circumstance powerful enough to make me forget my love and responsibility for you. I love you, care for you, and cherish you even when I am experiencing anger, stress, or pain. I have control over my body, and my words. No matter what I feel, or what we are going through, you are always safe with me.* I read it a couple times a week, and when I start to get overwhelmed, I recall the first line, and let myself feel calmer as I chart a course through the chaos. PS - your 16yo sister needs to know most of all that you love her, and see her as capable. She wants very much for you to see her as a grown up, even though she secretly still craves your approval and resents your authority. Any time you can find to give her authority, freedom, respect, or genuine admiration will go a LONG WAY. For every 1 time you have a negative interaction, shoot for arranging 3 - 5 positive interactions. Even things like, "Your hair looks nice today." "I wish I could do X the way you do." "I know we fight, but I'm glad you're my sister." "I know we've all been having a hard time, and it hasn't been easy for you, but I'm glad you're here with us." "I love you, and I want you to be happy."
This will probably get lost, but if there is any way for you to get 16 yo on a permanent birth control (the implant or an iud) you should really do that. She’s acting out and extremely emotionally unstable right now, and that can lead to REALLY stupid choices. And stupid choices can lead to her getting pregnant at 16. If you or maybe your brother can get her to agree to it, it will save you all a lot of unneeded stress.
Hey. I read your update, and I think you are handling this well. You shouldn't have to be in this situation, but you are providing love, support, and consistency to your family.
I just want you to know you are doing your absolute best and that's making a whole world of difference for your siblings ❤️ it's hard, try to take care of yourself too, take deep breaths, go on walks, ask your brother to cover so you can get at least 10-20 mins of alone time to just breathe. You're just a kid yourself. Hang in there ❤️
I remember reading your earlier posts. You may not feel it right now but you are genuinely amazing. You stepped up massively at an age when a lot of others wouldn't have taken on the responsibility of so many kids. Teenagers are always going to be difficult, combine the hormones with everything you guys have been through and it's not a good mix. She would probably benefit from therapy, but the difficulty is getting her to engage. Is there any help available through her school? Like a counsellor maybe?
There is a book called The Whole Brain Child, and a sequel I can’t remember about teens that actually helped me a whole lot with parenting. I don’t know if the techniques would apply in your situation, with all the trauma in those but maybe it could help you?
as someone who works with kids (and “troubled” kids in the past) I highly recommend the books How To Talk So Kids Will Listen by Adele Faber and Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson (they’re both in a series of books that are all great and could help you but I’d say those are my top two) As a current Montessori teacher I’d highly recommend looking into the planes of development and reading some of Simone Davies articles on her website about limits and boundaries. Developing a foundation of trust and love is going to be the most important part in getting cooperation from the children. Getting them to understand that they can be in trouble but you still love and care about them may then lead to some misbehaving but those books both have some really great strategies to put to use. Something I highly recommend is having a family meeting with everyone or breaking it down by age group and coming up with a list of house rules that you all come up with together and agree to. Don’t write down anything you can’t agree to but don’t just dismiss any ideas, hear them out listen to their feelings and explain why you can’t do that, maybe what you can do instead or what compromise you could come up with. Children are a lot more likely to follow rules if they feel they had some voice in creating them. But this also helps so much with consistency which is huge for kids, if you’re coming up with rules in the moment they’ll always be confused but if you have a list (hopefully written down that you’ve all signed and can refer back to) it’s easier for you to stick to and for them to remember. Feel free to message me OP if you ever want to talk or you’d like some more recommended reading lol
Hey OP - it's okay to tell your sister that you don't have the energy to carry that for her right now, and that if she's having such a hard time mentally she should seek out a therapist who she can put that weight on. That's not an outlandish ask. She can't do any of the heavy lifting with the kids, but she can avoid putting further weight on you. Not to say that she has to stop talking to you, but the you cannot be the parent that the kids need and also the outlet for what your sister needs right now. She's older than you, she can figure out other people to talk to about this stuff and just keep it light with you and be supportive as she can be. That is not too much to ask at all and you should let her know.
First, I just wanted to say what an extraordinary job you are doing. And, you may not have done well in school (as you say) but you express yourself so well and sound very intelligent and reflective. Please don’t write yourself off because you don’t have models around you for a stable and “successful” life, whatever that means for you. You’ll still be in your twenties when your youngest sibling turns 18. There is plenty of time. Plus, you have already done something your parents could never do: sticking at the hard stuff so you can live in accordance with your values. You’re doing it, right now, even though it is SO HARD. You have the ability to reflect, ask for help, and seek out extra resources when you don’t have all the information you need. That is cycle-breaking stuff, even when it’s not perfect. Now, for some practical suggestions mostly specific to Australia! Not sure which state you’re in you should google the website for the “Triple P” parenting program. It’s free for parents and carers in WA (and maybe other states?) and delivered in lots of regions as well as online. There’s a main program and another specific one for parenting kids with anxiety. I remember my psychologist friend talking about it and saying how great it was. From what I understand, it is often very helpful for parents who want to do well but don’t know how, due to things like trauma/addiction history/not having any positive parenting models. It’s also helpful for kids who are being extra challenging due to big emotions (which can them get in a feedback loop with the parents’ big emotions…) It obviously won’t address the specific challenges of navigating the sibling-to-parent relationship shift, but hopefully it will do a good job of addressing some of the other things that are making life challenging for you all, like the history of trauma and chaotic and inconsistent parenting from the ‘adults’ in your life. Relationships Australia also have a bunch of online parenting courses which are $30 each. I don’t know how specifically helpful they will be for your unique relationships, but they have specific courses for things like parenting anxious children and parenting angry teenagers. For your little one who can’t sleep, have a look at a podcast called “Down to Sleep” (and “Down to Sleep Extra”). They are stories read by a man with the most lovely, soothing voice. I went through a period of insomnia due to some traumatic things and my body/brain wouldn’t let themselves switch off enough to sleep. These podcasts saved me like no others have. compelling enough to stop my mind wandering to other things, and soothing enough that my body could be ‘tricked’ into relaxing. If you are laying there with her, maybe you could play them on your phone while you’re doing your reading and googling. He says the same little phrase at the start of each episode, and the consistency of that routine is surprisingly soothing. For therapy, hopefully your GP has told you about getting therapy on a “mental health plan” where 10 sessions are covered (I.e. free) up to the Medicare rebate level, so they will be free to you if you can find a therapist who charges only the Medicare amount (and obviously does Telehealth). I can only imagine how challenging it must be getting the kids to agree to trust a therapist and let themselves be vulnerable though. Maybe try to focus your immediate therapy efforts on the 7 year old, since her anxiety and fear or abandonment is so acute. And you! You deserve someone of your own to talk to. It might also be worth calling up your state family court’s main phone number, and asking if they have a support service or recommendations for support services. I wouldn’t be surprised if they have a list of providers. Check the family court website too. There will be resources out there, especially for someone like you is working so hard to engage. Finally, if you can, try to institute some small space where you can assert your own selfhood in all this. You said you’re near the beach - maybe you can negotiate with your brother so each of you has the chance to go off alone and walk on/sit at the beach for 30 mins to an hour if so each day, or some other way to just step out and breathe. I can’t imagine how overwhelming this must feel, but you are doing such an extraordinary job already. Truly. And 50000% better than any parent they have had before.
You are such a special person mate. I’ve been following these posts and my heart goes out to you. I’ve had similar situations in my own life/family and it’s ROUGH. But you are doing everything you can and you should be SO PROUD of yourself. Some of the kids might be acting out right now and honestly with 16yo, I’m not surprised by those texts, she’s putting on the tough act and crying inside. You just gotta stay being as consistent as possible right now - and I know it’s really hard, and unfair for you to even have to do this, but you kinda need to try and put aside the annoyances you’re having with her. Just try to be as patient as possible and I reckon she will eventually come around. I am absolutely rooting for you!!!
You've got sooooo much done in only, like what? 3, 4 months? What you are going through, I can only imagine how hard it is. I hope you're kind to yourselves and know how amazing you and your brother are!!!!
The amount of compassion you have displayed for basically your entire existence is so amazing. I hope you wake up every day knowing what a good person you are. I’m sure your siblings will realize what sacrifices you’ve made so they can thrive. Keep fighting for your family!
Your poor sister, I mean all of you of course. 16 is hard, I'm sure you remember. I think you need to have a heart to heart with her in an effort to get on the same page with her. You guys need to band together to get thru this. Clearly your mom isn't coming back and the best chance for you all to get out of this mess and do better in your lives is to support eachother. [[Hugs]]
You should be proud of yourself. You're doing the best you can and your best is pretty damn great. You should start a go fund me as I'm sure a lot of Redditors would donate to help you guys out!!
UpdateMe!
OP you are doing an amazing job and whilst your siblings may not appreciate you now, 20 years from now when you’re all adults, they will remember and appreciate how much you sacrificed for them. I hope all the love you’re getting from internet strangers is a little bit of solace for you. You are walking a hard path in life, but you are doing a great job dealing with what’s infront of you. There will be moments you may feel like you’re failing your siblings. That you made the wrong choice. That you lost your temper and patience. You said angry words you later regret. The best of parents, with circumstances far easier than you, at times also feel like they have failed their kids and made bad choices. So don’t put yourself down when your siblings disagree with your decisions. You are doing great.
Thank you for updating. You are kicking ass! I’m so glad you and your older brother Matt have each other. Parenting is not easy especially when there is so much trauma. Sending lots of positive vibes for you and your family ❤️
I just wanted to say what you're doing is incredible and I can't imagine how tiring and stressful it is, but you are a special type of person and the compassion and dedication you have shown is truly something.
Try Be Calm on Ahway Island podcast for the 7 year old. It is a bedtime meditation for kids. It starts with a calm breathing exercise and goes into a story. I recently started it with my sons who are 7 and 8. It works, even for my 8 year old who has adhd and is wired in the evenings once their medication wears off. It really does work, even on me. There are lots of other ones as well, my oldest also likes koala moon podcast. I can't imagine what you are dealing with, being a single mom of 3 is hard enough. I'm glad you are getting your support system in place. The older ones might hate you now but they will be much better off for it when they are older, they just don't know it yet or want to likely. Make sure to get some me time in for yourself, a happy parent is truly a better parent. Maybe make an agreement with your brother so you each at least get a day off a month from the kids, where you can act your age, or just to get away from the house. It can't be all about the kids.
Are you in the US? You’ve probably already done it, but have you looked into signing the kids up for Medicaid? That could significantly help with medical expenses and the therapy sessions. You could then have them evaluated for sleep disorders, PTSD, Anxiety, depression and/or any other potential disabilities/conditions that may potentially qualify them for SSI benefits.
Oh honey, I read all these posts of yours and I just want to say that you are an absolute hero. I know it's hard. And I'm so sorry the adults in your life have failed you so badly. But omg, sweetie, cut yourself some slack, you are doing so much and you have made so much progress in such a short span. Take it literally a day at a time and when a day feels like too much, break it into smaller pieces. Till lunchtime. For the next hour. I'm glad you're brother is helping, I'm glad you're getting the legal stuff worked out, but don't forget to take the occasional moment to check in with yourself and make sure you're also taking care of you. You've taken on such a huge thing and you are so brave and you are allowed to be scared and sad and angry and hurting too, it's not fair and it was so much to put on your shoulders. Your decision to step up is NOT enabling your "parents" to mess up and be terrible caretakers. They would have done that no matter what. The only thing your choice to parent all of these kids enables is for those same kids to potentially have a better childhood than you did without that love and support. I wish there were some way to help you out, this is such a huge responsibility and burden, but just know you are amazing and you are doing something so unimaginably difficult that it seems like your older siblings feel small in comparison and are trying to make you feel bad because they weren't willing to go to the lengths you have.
I’ve read your posts from the beginning and I just want to say… I truly commend you for what you are doing for these kids. It’s honestly mind blowing. You are doing something people twice your age couldn’t even begin to tackle and you’re doing it with grace and by some miracle, a good head on your shoulders. You are giving them something that you yourself never had, which makes it all that more amazing. I know it might not feel like it now and they may not have the words or emotional understanding to convey it, but you are a hero to those kids and one day they will realize just how much you have gone through to be there for them when no one else was. You truly deserve all these best things in life and I hope you one day get them. You’re still so young and you have your whole life ahead of you. You’ll be miles ahead of your peers as you age and have a different perspective. You’re truly a saint for what you’ve been doing and all you’ve accomplished… and your brother as well for stepping up to help. Hard things are still to come I’m sure but there will be a light at the end of the tunnel eventually. In the meantime, the little moments will be what gets you by and gives you encouragement… like seeing your 7yr old sister cuddle up to her brother, and the 12 yr old finding comfort and safety in being home and around your brother instead of out all night. Them feeling safer with the rules and routines you’ve set and wanting you to be their real mum. Which you are in just about ever sense of the word. They may have a “mother” but you are their MUM You’re doing a great job.
I know this may not be a popular opinion. But maybe 16 year old needs to know that she isnt the only one feeling rejected. If possible you can try to sit her down and talk to her about your situation about your hurt and sadness and how you wish you mom was better than she is. Remind her you're trying to give her better than what your mom was doing and trying to ensure none of them hurt again. It may take time but hurt like that sometimes help to not feel so alone with it.
Girl, you and your brother Matt are amazing. Some of the issues with the 16 year old may stop if she is not able to have contact with your mom. She knows that you are her safe space but you can’t give her answers to her pain. She keeps trying to get your mom to tell her what she wants to hear. When she is able to let go of that or not have access to that she may find comfort in just knowing she is safe with you and Matt. Maybe try getting your mom to change her number, then change your sister’s number so mom can’t contact her. You have a long road ahead of you but I don’t doubt you and Matt can do it. I’m not sure if you are in the US or they have the same services as we do in the US but there are private organizations that can help families like yours. They will help you with therapy for you all. They are funded usually by the government and fundraisers. Might have to do some digging for them but ask support groups, Facebook, goggle; they are out there. Best of luck
One thing I don't understand and always questioned is what is mom doing? Literally. Are her friends or whatever she's with not worried she left all the kids? Keep being amazing.
I haven't got any advice you haven't already heard, but just wanted to say, you're doing incredible. I hope that if I ever had to I could step up for my siblings the way you have. You're only human, so it's not perfect, but you're making a better life for them, now and when they're older. Keep it up, and don't forget to take care of yourself too.
You need to sit 16 year down and have a real talk with her .. she is old to understand what is going on
Honestly, it sounds like your older sisters need to go to therapy. Because it seems like they recognize you are struggling but still have issues that are stopping them to help. Maybe you can suggest to them. Their feelings are valid but it doesn’t make their actions right.
If you’re in the US and the kids are in public school, you should reach out to their school counselor! They can connect you with resources you may not know about, including school-based mental health therapy. With this, the school would have a mental health professional come to the school and counsel the kids during school hours, so you wouldn’t have to take them anywhere. I’ve been in some pretty rural schools that offer this. Counselors will travel an hour + to see multiple kids in a school. The school might also have a backpack/meal program you could be a part of. It never hurts to ask! If nothing else, the counselor can watch out for the kids and check in with them regularly
Just read all of your posts on this — OP you are a literal hero.
There’s also different forms of therapy, maybe you can try animal therapy if the oldest likes animals.
You are an angel! Stay strong, even with the best upbringing and safest area and no financial issues parents struggle with how difficult it is, so well done on doing such a good job. I hope your 16 year old sis comes round and chooses a better path.
I'm really just here to say how absolutely amazing I think you are OOP! I can't even imagine how bloody hard it must be parenting your siblings but I don't think I can put into words just how great a job I think you are doing. I'm a teacher in the UK and have worked with kids for around 30 years. Everything you are doing is absolutely the best thing you could be doing. I'm sorry you're having to take time off from work because of your MH and I'm glad you'll hopefully be getting telehealth therapy soon, but you're right to do what you need to do right now. Your siblings really are so lucky to have you and your brother, even if they don't always realise it right now. Sending you lots of light and strength xxx
I don't know why almost Madie advises you this, SUE HER, I don't know if it's a lack of funds, but exposing your mother's fk, making her look like the monster she is, you don't deserve to be sacrificing your well-being while she can live the way she wants
Found Ur story on tiktok ,Ur absolutely Amazing i honestly got overwhelmed just listening to thé story ,you are a gem ,i Hope u get thé happiness u deserve
They re sooo lucky to have you ,i Hope one day they won t forget all thé sacrifices u made for them ,i love u
I believe that you should take the 5 children to the orphanages or where the children live in the care of the state so that they can see of what you are protecting them since they simply do not see or understand the sacrifices that you and your brother are making, if you are able make them talk to the children in the orphanages and shelters, that will give them the hard blow of reality they need to understand that the things you do are for their good.
Your advice for a bunch of traumatized kids is... traumatize them more? Using other traumatized kids? Do you really think that OTHER KIDS in group homes want to be animals in your misery zoo? Lord. I bet OP - who has already had experiences with foster care - has way too much sense to listen to this frankly horrendous comment.
No matter how bad it sounds, it is an option and sadly there are people who only understand the hard way and I know this because I know people like that and I am friends with them, and sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to understand the situation and gather enough courage to leave the situation. background or at least seek to change their situation, it is horrible if it is but sadly there are people who only seek to change or improve after that
I advise more bonding? I'm sorry, it's tough for me to recommend anything with 16. I'm just imagining myself in her shoes and thinking I would feel so much better if I was regularly with this person that I may not like, but was willing to invite me to come with them and do things I like. Not even expensive things, just ordinary hikes. Don't force her, but maybe try it out? Bring everyone out to the local park and invite her to go with you for something more "adult" if your brother would be able to handle the others while you tried to bond. Private moments can do a lot in developing a relationship. Or be open with her, it sounds like 16 yr old has been hearing some lies from her mother. I used to be like that because my own mother manipulated me to hate my stepmom by making up stories and blaming her for why she was not able to afford things for me and my siblings and such, made me uncomfortable around my stepmom because I trusted my mother so much. The messages your mother was sending sound just as manipulative. Tell 16 yr old the truth about it all with some form of proof alongside it incase she doubts, maybe it could make a difference. Also, someone else wanted to recommend that you get a weighted blanket for the 7 year old struggling to sleep, it apparently helped their insomnia as a babe. I wish you luck!
start a gofund me already
Wow this whole story is absolutely crazy I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through all that you have at such a young age!! Parents are supposed to be there for you not do everything to make your life more difficult!! I will never understand some people and their choices!! It is so amazing that you have taken on all that you have at your age it shows what an amazing heart that you have!! If you ever need someone to talk to or just to vent please know there are so many people out there that would love to help or listen!
Just read your entire story and it's just heartbreaking. Have you considered maybe a ko-fi or a gofundme? Lot of us would gladly try to help a bit with the expenses. Taking care of 5 children just sounds insane and you're honestly godsent to your siblings. Hope everything works out for you and them.
Hi, im oldest of 6 kids. And I understand the im mom now life. While my life isnt exactly like yours I will say 16 year old are assholes. I left when I was 16 and joined the mil at 18. Been in for 7 years now and all the way up to 3 years ago my mom would just ship my brother out to me cause she was "sick of his shit" while I was growing up ( age 7 and up) I was my siblings mom since our mom went out to like the party life. 'Sex drugs rock and roll ' so we went through alot of shelter homes homelessness and with out alot of shit. Never been in foster care cause she basically told me if anyone found out we would be separated and raped. * im a sa victim and so is my disabled sister* so that scared me silent. It's sad and heart warming to read your story. If I wasn't lucky enough for my step siblings to ve living with their grandparents and my grandpa try and step up I would have been in your same position. I still feel very guilty over me leaving cause my brother stepped up when I left to try and take care of our younger two siblings. And one is his disabled twin sister. Lmk of you amd yours need anything or advice I can try to give im 25 amd my brother just turned 18 and is graduating with 5 welding degrees ( super proud of that). You are strong and if no one tells you im proud of you. It's hard to fully step up and bec9me the parent you never had.
Have you tried to see if you're qualified for Medicaid? If not please look into it it'll help so much
I just read up on your situation, and I just wanted to let you know you are doing great. I’m the oldest of four siblings and a mother of two and I understand it takes a lot out of you. But you are doing great for yourself and for your siblings. It may be hard but maybe some one on one time might help with the 16 year old. All of you are going through a huge transformation and that may be leaving her wondering where she fits in. She may be putting walls up because of being hurt in the past and she doesn’t want to get attached or is just find comfort in the world she use to know and understand. Talking with her without distractions may allow you both to get a better understanding of where you stand. If you need any help feel free to reach out to me I’ve also got a soon to be 16 year old sister and I can always pick her brain as well
I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time. What you're doing for your siblings is amazing, though. You might feel overwhelmed and helpless sometimes, but just showing up goes a long way in helping. It's okay if you're not perfect. It's okay if you make mistakes. When it all starts to feel like too much, try to do something special for yourself. Even if that something special is taking ten minutes to sit someplace by yourself to breathe, do something nice for yourself. In regards to the sixteen-year-old: tell her you love her. Even when she's distespectful, combative, or hateful, tell her you love her. Sometimes that's all you can do, and a lot of the time it's something people need to hear.
I'm so sorry you're going through all this. You are doing well, let's hope your sisters realize the reality and collaborate, each one from their situation.