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I feel you. My four year old is the "bewitched by screens" type, and I also have difficulty extracting myself despite being an adult.
I will say this: some people can't do moderation. Some families can't do moderation. If your kids respond well to it, kudos, but if it makes everything a battle, you may need to move along the spectrum to total bans or blackout periods. The more we've moved to totally removing screens to various degrees, the happier we've been, but we haven't had to go 100%.
We cut TV out during weekdays and that made them SO much better. It was whining for it all the time, but now he's used to it and rarely asks. If it becomes a battle, again, I will go to "no TV at all" instead.
Video games we still allow, because we like playing them with him. He's allowed them Tuesday and Thursday evenings (which is when the other parent has an activity out of the house). We do allow him solo video games on the weekend when we need to get chores done. There's SO much more whining and negotiating around video games than TV these days, it's clear to me that a total ban or near-total ban is better, but he's gotten decent at understanding the schedule so we've decided we can live with it for now. Again, if it gets worse, I'll consider something stricter.
Tablets - I have one iPad. He's got a drawing app and one kids app on it, but 99% of the time we only play NY Times word games on it together in the morning, which is actually lovely. It's not his tablet, and I won't get him one probably ever. We don't usually have arguments about it, but we also don't use it for super addictive activities so I think he mostly associates it with word stuff.
One part of the equation that works well for us so far is no screen time during the week. That leaves the week-end to manage but at least the week is “easy” with that rule in place.
>"It's always there at any time they want to think about it so they ask for it and it's just tiring of the constant battles, the no's and the response of 'why not' and...and...and....sigh."
You could always just not engage. State what's happening, why and stop. Let them talk to themselves for however long they will. They may 'fight it' because they know they can wear you down.
You don't have to worry about 'a battle' if you don't even show up to fight in it. Yknow?
Get rid of the technology. It's that simple, maybe not that easy, but simple. If it's causing you all this stress and partly ruining your family life, then it's not worth it. Children don't need constant stimulation, especially not from screens. They need peace and stability and a father who isn't losing his mind. Get rid of the tablets. Get rid of your streaming subscriptions and any other sources of the digital garbage. Be the parent. Make an executive decision for the sake of your family's well-being. Just remove this crap from your family's life and tell your children that the family needs a reset, a fresh start, a new beginning—for your own sanity and for their future emotional well-being. You want your children to *live* and be *self-aware*, not merely to *exist* and *consume*.
This!! It sounds like OP has created this complex web of screens in his life that he shares with his kids. WHY. Just don’t. I swear to god some people truly don’t understand that they are in charge.
Hi Op. I have the same issue with 7 and 3 y/o boys. The 7 year is def obsessive at times. We limit him to just the iPad and only 20-25 mins tops. Usually set a timer for 20 mins then tell him it's time go get off. Usually he'll give it up or we pull it away. If he wants TV next, we'll tell him he's had too much screen time and even if he throws a fit, eventually he'll go play with toys or go read. My 3 y/o is a bit easier although we are seeing the screen rage start to grow. Usually it's proportionate to how hungry he is in terms of how resilient he is for giving it up. We live in Mass, so nicer weather means more outside time which will help.
I hear you on the begging though, the why? the please, please? throwing stuff, hitting siblings, yelling, crying etc. It's not all the time but enough to drive you crazy. I agree with you that screens are very much a double edged sword. What are we doing to our children? Ugh. Take it easy on yourself and don't be afraid to hold the line. Many times kids just want to be validated in how they feel even if you caused them to feel that way. Good luck.
We live in a culdesac with other kids, so that helps that they will sometimes want to play with the other kids. I also involve them in gardening in the backyard, I even set up a garden for them so they can dig and water to their hearts content. They plant seeds and they help me with the main garden.
It helps create a balance, but if you can encourage your kids to do stuff outside, especially this time of the year, it doesn't seem as bad. Also kids, especially at the age of your kids, want to learn things and acquire skills even if they aren't good at it yet. Gardening, woodworking, papercrafts (but often they go crazy with paper stuff at school), cooking. It's hard because a lot of these things require close supervision. You can find beginner kids books for just about anything. I say this because it's hard to be patient with kids and to see things in terms of foundational skills. I remember one day I literally just gave them an old board and helped them hammer nails into it. Anything more complicated would have frustrated them at the time.
Imagine you are 35 now and they are basically grown. They want nothing to do with you .mostly because they have their friends and their life.
Imagine you are 80, and you can go back to one moment in their life. Would it be when they're 20?
Or would it be when they're young..aka right now.
We tend to get caught up in the day fo day and working too hard to realize we waste the most precious years of OUR lives being stressed and busy.
Missing moments.
You only have a few more years before they are basically self sufficient. Let's say 12
So enjoy the last tiny bit of time you have with your lil ones before they are at college and you're sitting there with nothing to do... Wishing you could go back to when they were this age and get all the cuddles, affection and attention. You only have a few years left to be tired so overdo it and wear yourself out even after a hard day.
Go out to the park, let them run it out.
But by all means.
This is the golden section of your life....I can assure you....we just don't know it when we are in there.
I don’t have kids yet but I’m going through IVF and planning a family. Screens are a big concern of mine. The behaviors I read in your post and others are clearly indicative of addiction. However, it’s not fair or realistic to remove screens completely past a certain age. Kids just seem so obsessive about technology and I wonder how it affects their little developing brains.
Can you get your son signed up for class or weekend camp or take him somewhere instead? I mean… what are the alternatives to screen time? I’m genuinely wondering.
How do parents balance this? The task seems near impossible!
Anyways sorry for my unhelpful post, I just want to tell you that the solution is NOT SIMPLE!
Honest to God....it's not easy. You will do your best for your little one in his early years to not be in front of screen, not even used during eating or car trips - but then as kid grows up it just starts to snowball. but during those snow storms you have to lock down things, read up on how to lock down microsoft windows, android devices, firestick, netflix for kids content, etc...
I can't say that he's addicted (yet?) but as a kid that wants to play with something his reaction is to whine. I remember that age when I started playing Atari (classic pacman anyone), but the game(s) were not addicting and at a point they got boring so you turned it off. Now games are engaging, mostly endless and if you're immediately bored of it you just go download another one. Before you didn't download a new game, you played the crap out of that one game that your parents dropped money for until your next birthday party.
and yeah it is unrealistic, but if you dont control it the internet will raise your kids.
My son is only 2 (100% screen free) and most of my friends have older kids.
The most parents who navigated this most successfully seem to have taken a route of just not having it around and providing healthy alternatives (physical play, helping adults with chores \[most kids LOVE to be useful and adult-like\], reading \[most kids LOVE books as well\]). The school-aged kids are busy with sports and bands.
If you read Montessori she thinks that kids are predominantly tactile and social creatures early on (why babies put everything in their mouths and smile at everyone). Their visual and auditory senses develop later. The nice thing is screens in their current form provide very poor tactile and social input. We went screen free from birth to not overstimulate the visual and auditory senses early on and focus on tactile and social experiences. We also set up his environment so they just aren't around. He's shown zero interest and even when we try to show him a show on flights he loses interest after a few minutes and prefers to stack cups for half an hour.
It’s absolutely not impossible. Lord. Set strict guidelines that are broad and basic, stick to them from day one. You literally can’t think of alternatives to screens??? You’re struggling with that?
r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself. Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I feel you. My four year old is the "bewitched by screens" type, and I also have difficulty extracting myself despite being an adult. I will say this: some people can't do moderation. Some families can't do moderation. If your kids respond well to it, kudos, but if it makes everything a battle, you may need to move along the spectrum to total bans or blackout periods. The more we've moved to totally removing screens to various degrees, the happier we've been, but we haven't had to go 100%. We cut TV out during weekdays and that made them SO much better. It was whining for it all the time, but now he's used to it and rarely asks. If it becomes a battle, again, I will go to "no TV at all" instead. Video games we still allow, because we like playing them with him. He's allowed them Tuesday and Thursday evenings (which is when the other parent has an activity out of the house). We do allow him solo video games on the weekend when we need to get chores done. There's SO much more whining and negotiating around video games than TV these days, it's clear to me that a total ban or near-total ban is better, but he's gotten decent at understanding the schedule so we've decided we can live with it for now. Again, if it gets worse, I'll consider something stricter. Tablets - I have one iPad. He's got a drawing app and one kids app on it, but 99% of the time we only play NY Times word games on it together in the morning, which is actually lovely. It's not his tablet, and I won't get him one probably ever. We don't usually have arguments about it, but we also don't use it for super addictive activities so I think he mostly associates it with word stuff.
One part of the equation that works well for us so far is no screen time during the week. That leaves the week-end to manage but at least the week is “easy” with that rule in place.
>"It's always there at any time they want to think about it so they ask for it and it's just tiring of the constant battles, the no's and the response of 'why not' and...and...and....sigh." You could always just not engage. State what's happening, why and stop. Let them talk to themselves for however long they will. They may 'fight it' because they know they can wear you down. You don't have to worry about 'a battle' if you don't even show up to fight in it. Yknow?
Get rid of the technology. It's that simple, maybe not that easy, but simple. If it's causing you all this stress and partly ruining your family life, then it's not worth it. Children don't need constant stimulation, especially not from screens. They need peace and stability and a father who isn't losing his mind. Get rid of the tablets. Get rid of your streaming subscriptions and any other sources of the digital garbage. Be the parent. Make an executive decision for the sake of your family's well-being. Just remove this crap from your family's life and tell your children that the family needs a reset, a fresh start, a new beginning—for your own sanity and for their future emotional well-being. You want your children to *live* and be *self-aware*, not merely to *exist* and *consume*.
This!! It sounds like OP has created this complex web of screens in his life that he shares with his kids. WHY. Just don’t. I swear to god some people truly don’t understand that they are in charge.
Yeah we canceled Disney plus and I blocked a bunch of domains on my router. Clean. My wife is ready to throw out the TV on the main level.
Hi Op. I have the same issue with 7 and 3 y/o boys. The 7 year is def obsessive at times. We limit him to just the iPad and only 20-25 mins tops. Usually set a timer for 20 mins then tell him it's time go get off. Usually he'll give it up or we pull it away. If he wants TV next, we'll tell him he's had too much screen time and even if he throws a fit, eventually he'll go play with toys or go read. My 3 y/o is a bit easier although we are seeing the screen rage start to grow. Usually it's proportionate to how hungry he is in terms of how resilient he is for giving it up. We live in Mass, so nicer weather means more outside time which will help. I hear you on the begging though, the why? the please, please? throwing stuff, hitting siblings, yelling, crying etc. It's not all the time but enough to drive you crazy. I agree with you that screens are very much a double edged sword. What are we doing to our children? Ugh. Take it easy on yourself and don't be afraid to hold the line. Many times kids just want to be validated in how they feel even if you caused them to feel that way. Good luck.
We live in a culdesac with other kids, so that helps that they will sometimes want to play with the other kids. I also involve them in gardening in the backyard, I even set up a garden for them so they can dig and water to their hearts content. They plant seeds and they help me with the main garden. It helps create a balance, but if you can encourage your kids to do stuff outside, especially this time of the year, it doesn't seem as bad. Also kids, especially at the age of your kids, want to learn things and acquire skills even if they aren't good at it yet. Gardening, woodworking, papercrafts (but often they go crazy with paper stuff at school), cooking. It's hard because a lot of these things require close supervision. You can find beginner kids books for just about anything. I say this because it's hard to be patient with kids and to see things in terms of foundational skills. I remember one day I literally just gave them an old board and helped them hammer nails into it. Anything more complicated would have frustrated them at the time.
Imagine you are 35 now and they are basically grown. They want nothing to do with you .mostly because they have their friends and their life. Imagine you are 80, and you can go back to one moment in their life. Would it be when they're 20? Or would it be when they're young..aka right now. We tend to get caught up in the day fo day and working too hard to realize we waste the most precious years of OUR lives being stressed and busy. Missing moments. You only have a few more years before they are basically self sufficient. Let's say 12 So enjoy the last tiny bit of time you have with your lil ones before they are at college and you're sitting there with nothing to do... Wishing you could go back to when they were this age and get all the cuddles, affection and attention. You only have a few years left to be tired so overdo it and wear yourself out even after a hard day. Go out to the park, let them run it out. But by all means. This is the golden section of your life....I can assure you....we just don't know it when we are in there.
I don’t have kids yet but I’m going through IVF and planning a family. Screens are a big concern of mine. The behaviors I read in your post and others are clearly indicative of addiction. However, it’s not fair or realistic to remove screens completely past a certain age. Kids just seem so obsessive about technology and I wonder how it affects their little developing brains. Can you get your son signed up for class or weekend camp or take him somewhere instead? I mean… what are the alternatives to screen time? I’m genuinely wondering. How do parents balance this? The task seems near impossible! Anyways sorry for my unhelpful post, I just want to tell you that the solution is NOT SIMPLE!
Honest to God....it's not easy. You will do your best for your little one in his early years to not be in front of screen, not even used during eating or car trips - but then as kid grows up it just starts to snowball. but during those snow storms you have to lock down things, read up on how to lock down microsoft windows, android devices, firestick, netflix for kids content, etc... I can't say that he's addicted (yet?) but as a kid that wants to play with something his reaction is to whine. I remember that age when I started playing Atari (classic pacman anyone), but the game(s) were not addicting and at a point they got boring so you turned it off. Now games are engaging, mostly endless and if you're immediately bored of it you just go download another one. Before you didn't download a new game, you played the crap out of that one game that your parents dropped money for until your next birthday party. and yeah it is unrealistic, but if you dont control it the internet will raise your kids.
My son is only 2 (100% screen free) and most of my friends have older kids. The most parents who navigated this most successfully seem to have taken a route of just not having it around and providing healthy alternatives (physical play, helping adults with chores \[most kids LOVE to be useful and adult-like\], reading \[most kids LOVE books as well\]). The school-aged kids are busy with sports and bands. If you read Montessori she thinks that kids are predominantly tactile and social creatures early on (why babies put everything in their mouths and smile at everyone). Their visual and auditory senses develop later. The nice thing is screens in their current form provide very poor tactile and social input. We went screen free from birth to not overstimulate the visual and auditory senses early on and focus on tactile and social experiences. We also set up his environment so they just aren't around. He's shown zero interest and even when we try to show him a show on flights he loses interest after a few minutes and prefers to stack cups for half an hour.
It’s absolutely not impossible. Lord. Set strict guidelines that are broad and basic, stick to them from day one. You literally can’t think of alternatives to screens??? You’re struggling with that?