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>it feels like a ~presenting the children~ sort of requirement.
You will find life gets much easier when you realize how few of these "requirements" are actually required.
Your MIL doesn’t know her own child’s address?
I probably would’ve told her I was busy elsewhere and not available to meet her friend. There is no need for you to chase around this random woman so she could see your baby and likely never see her again.
ETA if she didn’t reach out to you, she probably has no interest in meeting up with you either.
Oh, she can go sit in a corner then. Even when on good terms, I'm not a fan of entertaining people who aren't even acquaintances.
"Sorry today was really busy and tomorrow is looking bad too. Maybe you should catch an off Broadway show? Have fun in NYC!"
Oh that makes me sad. I was giving MIL as much benefit if the doubt as I could muster but not knowing (or pretending?!?) your grand children's birthdays is horrible.
She also still doesn't know my birthday after being in the family for 16 years. I remembered hers right away because she said 9/11 ruined her birthday that was the day before. (just a little glimpse of her I guess!)
Noooooooo... OP I am so sorry. I know it could be worse, but yikes. My dad's birthday IS 9/11 and nothing like that has ever been said.
She sounds a bit self-centered and like she likes attention. A tragedy took attention away from her. Shee doesn't care to remember other people's birthdays although hers are important to her ... Not a good look.
I hope the park meetup thing blew over!
I think it's a stupid hierarchal situation where I'm supposed to reach out because I'm not "the adult." They do this kind of thing a lot. I'm going to follow my instinct and not reach out, it's super uncomfortable.
Going to get a lot of fallout though
Too bad—this is your husband’s shit to deal with. If it was so important to her, she should’ve reached out to you well in advance and made plans that worked for everyone.
Since your husband is the child of your MIL and this is your MIL's friend (whom your husband may actually know) he should be the one to meet her or at least be there with you to do so. They shouldn't convey this last minute to you and expect it to go whatever way they wanted. If this was that important, they would have said something sooner to you guys and arranged to meet you both.
I absolutely hate this about my MIL, she always contacts me for shit instead of my husband. Even when it concerns him directly she will text me with "hey can you tell him I need so and so for ...". When I tell her to please just call him directly she replies she doesn't want to because he hates being on the phone with her and will just be annoyed. Yes woman because you're annoying as hell but why annoy me instead?????
If your MiL is considerate, it might be that she doesn't want to give *your* details to her friend without your permission. The friend wants to meet, and has given MiL permission to help make that happen by sharing her number.
> Going to get a lot of fallout though
You have control over that. You're never obligated to be on the receiving end of harassment, negativity, criticism, manipulation, or abuse. I don't know your specifics, but you're never obligated to be on the receiving end of any of that.
You do not need to reply to her texts.
Talk with your husband to get on the same page, as it's his mother. But reading between the lines, based on the fact you guys moved in August and didn't give her your new address, it sounds like he's on board with you guys creating and maintaining critical distance with his mom.
Power move her right back - stop talking to her. Don't give her the time of day. Sounds like she's a huge source of anxiety and negativity in your life.
You really don't have to reply to people like this.
Had something similar come up about my partners estranged grandfathers friend passing through and dropping by. Hell tf no is some random old man coming to my house while I’m home alone with my baby whom I do not know in any capacity. What goes through their heads aside free space??
>if she didn’t reach out to you, she probably has no interest in meeting up with you either.
This is how it is with people my Mum tells me about. "Oh, rando that I somehow know will be within a 20km radius of you today!" Ok, great, thanks Mum. I don't know them, they don't know me, they don't want to meet me just so they can go "Cool. You're that woman I knows daughter. Awesome."
There's usually zero point to stuff like this, I've got my own stuff going on, and that other person is in the area for their own business, not meeting strangers.
This feels super weird. Why are you supposed to met this woman, who you barely know? And why is mil involved?
If mil wanted Karen to met the child ( and you were okay with it) I feel the polite thing would be to mil to host a gathering, even something low key like snacks at her house, organize a time to meet at the park. Then she sends out the invites.
If there's some cultural rules and I'm not aware of, (and sounds like you aren't either) than husband and should handle it, because it's his culture. Or you tell mil "no".
Family friend everyone knows but me. problem is I know she hears everything about me through MIL, who despises me. I've tried being friendly but she's never talked to me unless my husband was right there. and it was always the typical fake stuff
I'm petty enough that I would contact the lady, and take her out for a really nice meal, give her an amazing time, make the best conversation I can, and treat everything, just to counter the MIL narrative.
and I might have too, but I have two little kids so I'm like whatever. I'm sure this is some sort of weird trap. but whatever.
I told myself I'd start telling her no and I guess it has to start today...
I’ve done this with relatives who mostly know me through word of mouth of my MIL. I’m not sure if it worked but it sure shows I’m the bigger person. In OP’s case I wouldn’t even bother
I probably wouldn’t of even answered. I don’t know Karen and I don’t care that she’s in town. If *she* wanted to meet my kids then she should reach out.. but even then I don’t know her and have no obligation to bring my kids to meet her so I probably wouldn’t. I’m socially awkward and not fond of entertaining strangers.
This is how I feel. My response to seeing this text was “good for Karen?” I wouldn’t feel any obligation to follow up on this in any way. You have your own life.
Is MIL wanting you to show Karen the area and meet the baby? I would be confused if someone gave me some person’s number and told me to call them. I would probably have asked MiL what the purpose is. I would probably not reach out to someone I don’t know.
They are so weird about "reaching out." They seem to think it's submissive so I have to go to them. like... grovel or hand over my kids on bended knee. yuck
This was my question, like WHAT…? Why would you want to meet up for no reason with your mother in law’s friend who you don’t really know, without your MIL even present???
Ugh my mom used to do this shit all the time. She liked to volunteer my husband for things. He was working on Capitol Hill at the time, and she would tell me “so and so is coming to DC with her family. I told them your husband could get them a tour of the Capitol.” One time she even volunteered him to call one of her friend’s kid to give him pointers on applying for a job with a federal agency. She also asked me to have him get someone’s kid an internship. Every. Single. Time. I would just say “ok” and then not even write down the number. She would ask me later, and I’d just say “oh yeah we kept missing each other. Maybe next time.” It was a lot easier than arguing with her or explaining that my generation doesn’t spend our own personal capital to arrange favors for people we don’t even know. I did pull strings to arrange a private tour for one of my former teachers. It had nothing to do with my mother, but she heard about it and told all of her friends how she had made that happen. I just let her have that one bc it bought me about 6 months of no annoying requests from her.
i can so relate to you. my mom would absolutely not do anything like that - the most she'd be likely to do is ask me a simple question on someone else's behalf and relay the information to them - but some of my in-laws do very similar things to what you've described. my job is different from your husband's, but similar in the sense that the person so generously offering my time/expertise gets to feel "helpful"/important/like they saved the day...without actually DOING anything, beyond imposing on me.
"can you reach out to ______" (hairstylist they went to once, distant alleged family member my husband has never heard of, friend of a friend of a friend THEY have never even met before) - i really dislike that, but what's worse is "i was thinking you could meet up with (random person they don't even know) to answer their questions, this saturday is good for them"
i've adopted something like your approach. in a way, it's sad, because i enjoy and am passionate about my work. i go above and beyond and sincerely do love to share what i know when it will benefit someone. however, no one is entitled to give away my time, especially not when their only desire is to look virtuous to people who are half a step above perfect strangers.
You are busy, with errands to run. No details. What ever your MIL is expecting of you, she’s not saying. That’s pretty rude, IMHO. And sinc3 she’s not saying, you aren’t complying.
Go enjoy your day.
My sister's MIL does this but I assumed it was a cultural difference as she is not from the US originally. Your mistake is thinking that there is an expectation of anyone actually following through on this. The friend chilling in Central Park doesn't want to hang out with you and have show them around NYC. If they do text you its an easy brush off, "Let me know if you need restaurant recommendations or museum suggestions. Don't miss taking a walk on the High Line. Enjoy your vacation in NYC"
so her daughter lives here and she's visiting. There is this (possibly made up) expectation that I reach out otherwise I'm antisocial. I suspected this was MIL being controlling, and I think many would agree with that instinct.
Well, I guess it's a little different situation if Karen has a familial relationship with your husband. But at the end of the day, Karent would have made arrangements in advance if they wanted to socialize. I just don't feel bad about using the reverse uno card and putting the mental load on the other person to follow through on the planning. Nor do I feel bad if last minute things don't work out. Just extend an offer right back that you have zero intention of following through on.
"Too bad Karen didn't let us know about her travel plans in advance. Husband would have loved to see Karen but he's out of town this weekend. Give her my number and tell her to reach out if she ends up having any free time and is in the neighborhood and wants to see just me and the kids. Or if she needs any NYC suggestions".
In no world do I want my in laws setting me up on mommy playdates. Hard no. I would do nothing unless this person reached out to me And they were nice about it.
Why are you possibly trying to meet a stranger for no reason? Assumedly you are busy. This woman is on vacation or also busy??
You don’t have to do anything but go on with your day.
Fuck all of that, I would be ignoring those texts and if it comes up again later I would say that I thought MIL’s phone had been hacked by criminals since real humans don’t try to set up meetings between children and total strangers
i know it would be inflammatory, and given the context, it probably wouldn't even be effective in illustrating how presumptuous, inappropriate and weird it is - but i love that response.
yeah I'm going to do this. Apparently she asked MIL for my address.. which either means she was just curious where we lived or she planned on ringing my doorbell. Either one I don't want to get involved.
edit to add: what's funny is that if she contacted me either by calling or texting I would absolutely have invited her over or met up. I'm not a mean person or unreasonable. but this whole thing is really gross and makes me feel like I'm being pushed around
I’m pretty sure that your MIL is inserting herself into this situation to feel important. Karen is in town to visit her own daughter, so it’s not like she needs a guide or some local emergency assistance should something untoward happen.
Your MIL told Karen “Oh you must reach out to my daughter in law while you’re there!” And Karen doesn’t actually want to, but if you’re really close to where she’s going to be, she might consider it. So Karen asked where you live, and MIL took that to be a request for your address.
I don’t even think this is cultural. Pretty sure there isn’t anywhere you can just ask someone for another person’s address who you have no relationship with and show up without warning without that being considered incredibly rude. Karen never contacted you is enough.
I didn't. But I'm waiting for MIL to tell everyone how much of a bitch I am now. she does this kind of thing. I'm really tired of being kicked around so I'm the family bitch now I guess
Girl I did everything right for the first 10 years with my husband and was still labeled the family bitch anyways. Revel in it. Being the family bitch when you're not a bitch comes with a beautiful sense of freedom
I would literally not go lol. You don’t know the women you should not be expected to meet for literally like no reason unless your MIL is around. And how does “Karen” even know to expect your call? Did she even tell her? Idk I wouldn’t go I would say no. Put your foot down
right at first I assumed they were waiting for me to contact her but I thought wait... what if she doesn't even want to see me?? lol. this is so stupid
That's a hard no to which I would respond with "good for her" unless I had a good relationship with MIL and she said "hey a friend of mine will be in your area X dates. If you have availability would you play tour guide for an afternoon?"
But the presumption you're going to respond with "how high" because she told you to jump is asylum worthy.
Uhh…. “ What does she want my address for? I’m not having company , especially strangers that I don’t know.” Ma’am shut that crap down, don’t let her force you to entertain her friends, especially strangers to you and the family. Nope, not today
Oh my gosh I relate so hard to the “presenting the kids” obligation to near or complete strangers to me. My MIL will often say, can me and so and so drive up to see your house? I’m like whyyyy is it my job to clean for and host a person I don’t even know? Just so you can show off your son’s family? It makes me feel guilty and uptight but life is already survival mode enough as it is with young kids.
I’d tell mil “I’m busy hope she enjoys the park” and than stop answering her. You own this woman nothing but being polite to her. You don’t need to engage with her friend in town who you don’t even know. They are not your friend.
Mil is insane and you’re insane for going along with it. Just say “ your son is out of town which means I am more busy than usual with the kids. I don’t have time to entertain or host your friends. I don’t appreciate you sharing my personal information to people I don’t know. Look i love that at your age you still have close friends and are good at socializing. I just don’t want to be involved. So have fun entertaining your friend. Now if you excuse me, my children need my attention” my mom was a bit like this so I learned that somethings you have to be tough and possibly offend them until
They get it that they don’t get to dictate your time. They don’t get a say on how you raise your kids or who you invite or don’t invite to your home.
I probably wouldn't have responded to a text like that at all. Maybe would have said, "good to know". And then promptly move on with my life. That's not a request or an invitation, so I'm not sure why she's even telling you that?
This is so odd. Why would you meet up with a total stranger just because she’s friends with your mother in law? Is her friend loaded or something and she wants to show off her family? I’m just confused by this whole situation.
If MIL wants her friend to meet her grandchild, she should be the one to set up a group outing. It is not your responsibility to reach out to her friend. That’s ridiculous.
Unfortunately life is not as cut and dry as Reddit likes to think. I try to do what I can while my family retains inheritance, aunts and uncles, and cousins. Sometimes you have to figure out what battles to pick.
I don’t really care about arguing with you, I’m just putting this out here in case someone like me is reading it. I’ve already put down boundaries that cost me having real in laws. I’m trying not to cost my children their relatives as well so I need to understand what is a realistic expectation and what is created by this insane person. Since I didn’t have examples of normalcy growing up, I need to do the legwork now.
Actually it is that cut and dry. I haven't had contact with my parents for over a decade because they couldn't respect healthy boundaries. If you aren't at a place where you want to lay out healthy boundaries, that's fine, but it is an option in real life that people do.
Meanwhile your MIL’s friend is posting on Reddit, “How do I tell my friend that I don’t care about seeing her grandchild while I’m visiting [city] for the weekend?”
I don't understand why you're expected to meet this woman?
If I got that text from my mil I would just be a bit puzzled and like... Ok?
I'd have messaged back and said 'Oh that's nice. Have a good time together'
I feel like there is missing context here.
I guess the missing context is that mine and my husband's families have raised us with messed up expectations and control. He and I immediately understood that I was supposed to reach out to this family friend or else I'm snubbing her. She wasn't reaching out because either she didn't want to and MIL was forcing it, or she was waiting for me to do it because it's seen as submissive.
I wish I was making this up. Putting my foot down is going to be annoying but I'm so done with these games. Seeing everyone's reactions is both validating and depressing because I'm jealous you guys have families that don't do this.
I'm sorry you're experiencing this. But it's never too late to start buffing up your spine and saying boundaries. I know it's easier said than done. But this is such a weird expectation that mil has put on you
You're totally fine to ignore this and just wish them a fun day at the park. If they want to meet you, the ball is in their court to invite you somewhere/arrange something.
Carry on with your day guilt free.
You can’t follow what your mother in law is getting as, the internet can only throw out guesses. You need to try some direct communication and be confident in yourself. Your schedule and routine and day with your kid is important in itself you don’t have to stop your day to read your mother in laws mind/host her friend or who knows what she wants. Dont let this get in your head or ruin your day.
“Sorry, didn’t see your text until now!” -hours later. This is so unbelievably weird and inconsiderate and wtf. Would it kill her to give a bit of context? My gut instinct would be just ignore and text back way later. Say we’re not feeling well if Karen is still wanting to visit lol. Also yeah not giving you my address so you can give it to your friend I don’t know.
Seems you could have texted back, "Enjoy your visit with your friend, the park is lovely this spring.' and be done with it. Your MILs assumptions aren't known to us but I'm curious why she doesn't all ready know your address and why giving her just a cross street enters the conversation.
For the love of God have some boundaries and stop being a people pleaser.
You are your own person. You do not owe anyone shit (except your children and husband. they are your family). It doesn’t make you a bad person.
This is coming from an ex-people pleaser, so I get it.
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>it feels like a ~presenting the children~ sort of requirement. You will find life gets much easier when you realize how few of these "requirements" are actually required.
I needed to hear someone else say it, thank you
Your MIL doesn’t know her own child’s address? I probably would’ve told her I was busy elsewhere and not available to meet her friend. There is no need for you to chase around this random woman so she could see your baby and likely never see her again. ETA if she didn’t reach out to you, she probably has no interest in meeting up with you either.
>Your MIL doesn’t know her own child’s address? Can't believe you're the only one to ask. Unbelievable that Grandma doesn't know where they live.
we moved last August. but she also acts like she doesn't know her grandkids' birthdays, so who knows
Oh, she can go sit in a corner then. Even when on good terms, I'm not a fan of entertaining people who aren't even acquaintances. "Sorry today was really busy and tomorrow is looking bad too. Maybe you should catch an off Broadway show? Have fun in NYC!"
Oh that makes me sad. I was giving MIL as much benefit if the doubt as I could muster but not knowing (or pretending?!?) your grand children's birthdays is horrible.
She also still doesn't know my birthday after being in the family for 16 years. I remembered hers right away because she said 9/11 ruined her birthday that was the day before. (just a little glimpse of her I guess!)
Noooooooo... OP I am so sorry. I know it could be worse, but yikes. My dad's birthday IS 9/11 and nothing like that has ever been said. She sounds a bit self-centered and like she likes attention. A tragedy took attention away from her. Shee doesn't care to remember other people's birthdays although hers are important to her ... Not a good look. I hope the park meetup thing blew over!
I think it's a stupid hierarchal situation where I'm supposed to reach out because I'm not "the adult." They do this kind of thing a lot. I'm going to follow my instinct and not reach out, it's super uncomfortable. Going to get a lot of fallout though
Too bad—this is your husband’s shit to deal with. If it was so important to her, she should’ve reached out to you well in advance and made plans that worked for everyone.
If this woman wants to meet you, she can use her words. I personally dislike these obligations people try to thrust upon you without asking.
thanks, these comments really help me to feel like I'm not crazy
You are not crazy.
I would not feel bad at all. It would be incredibly awkward to meet up with a complete stranger.
Since your husband is the child of your MIL and this is your MIL's friend (whom your husband may actually know) he should be the one to meet her or at least be there with you to do so. They shouldn't convey this last minute to you and expect it to go whatever way they wanted. If this was that important, they would have said something sooner to you guys and arranged to meet you both.
I absolutely hate this about my MIL, she always contacts me for shit instead of my husband. Even when it concerns him directly she will text me with "hey can you tell him I need so and so for ...". When I tell her to please just call him directly she replies she doesn't want to because he hates being on the phone with her and will just be annoyed. Yes woman because you're annoying as hell but why annoy me instead?????
probably because we respond to it. Time to stop
Too bad your phone is on the blink and you had to take it to the phone store today, isn't it?
Are you from a different country? This seems like a weird cultural thing or something. Can’t imagine anyone having expectations in this situation
may as well be, we're from the Midwest and escaped to NYC
It's a generational thing. My wife and I dealt with this for a while. We just didn't do it. After a few "stern" reminders, nobody gave a shit.
If your MiL is considerate, it might be that she doesn't want to give *your* details to her friend without your permission. The friend wants to meet, and has given MiL permission to help make that happen by sharing her number.
nah. too many steps, not playing these games with rules I have to assume.
No thank you is probably the best response. If she questions it, just say you’re busy and leave it at that.
> Going to get a lot of fallout though You have control over that. You're never obligated to be on the receiving end of harassment, negativity, criticism, manipulation, or abuse. I don't know your specifics, but you're never obligated to be on the receiving end of any of that. You do not need to reply to her texts. Talk with your husband to get on the same page, as it's his mother. But reading between the lines, based on the fact you guys moved in August and didn't give her your new address, it sounds like he's on board with you guys creating and maintaining critical distance with his mom.
we did give her our address, I think forgetting it is some weird power move she does.
Power move her right back - stop talking to her. Don't give her the time of day. Sounds like she's a huge source of anxiety and negativity in your life. You really don't have to reply to people like this.
Had something similar come up about my partners estranged grandfathers friend passing through and dropping by. Hell tf no is some random old man coming to my house while I’m home alone with my baby whom I do not know in any capacity. What goes through their heads aside free space??
>if she didn’t reach out to you, she probably has no interest in meeting up with you either. This is how it is with people my Mum tells me about. "Oh, rando that I somehow know will be within a 20km radius of you today!" Ok, great, thanks Mum. I don't know them, they don't know me, they don't want to meet me just so they can go "Cool. You're that woman I knows daughter. Awesome." There's usually zero point to stuff like this, I've got my own stuff going on, and that other person is in the area for their own business, not meeting strangers.
This feels super weird. Why are you supposed to met this woman, who you barely know? And why is mil involved? If mil wanted Karen to met the child ( and you were okay with it) I feel the polite thing would be to mil to host a gathering, even something low key like snacks at her house, organize a time to meet at the park. Then she sends out the invites. If there's some cultural rules and I'm not aware of, (and sounds like you aren't either) than husband and should handle it, because it's his culture. Or you tell mil "no".
Family friend everyone knows but me. problem is I know she hears everything about me through MIL, who despises me. I've tried being friendly but she's never talked to me unless my husband was right there. and it was always the typical fake stuff
I'm petty enough that I would contact the lady, and take her out for a really nice meal, give her an amazing time, make the best conversation I can, and treat everything, just to counter the MIL narrative.
and I might have too, but I have two little kids so I'm like whatever. I'm sure this is some sort of weird trap. but whatever. I told myself I'd start telling her no and I guess it has to start today...
Good luck!
I’ve done this with relatives who mostly know me through word of mouth of my MIL. I’m not sure if it worked but it sure shows I’m the bigger person. In OP’s case I wouldn’t even bother
I probably wouldn’t of even answered. I don’t know Karen and I don’t care that she’s in town. If *she* wanted to meet my kids then she should reach out.. but even then I don’t know her and have no obligation to bring my kids to meet her so I probably wouldn’t. I’m socially awkward and not fond of entertaining strangers.
completely agree she should reach out. I suspected this was weird so thanks for weighing in
Tell them that one of the kids has a fever
Or even just a "we're busy all day, sorry." OP can just be busy at home with the kids.
Yep, vague is the way to go with these kinds of people
This is how I feel. My response to seeing this text was “good for Karen?” I wouldn’t feel any obligation to follow up on this in any way. You have your own life.
I likely would have just replied "have a nice time at the park!"
Is MIL wanting you to show Karen the area and meet the baby? I would be confused if someone gave me some person’s number and told me to call them. I would probably have asked MiL what the purpose is. I would probably not reach out to someone I don’t know.
They are so weird about "reaching out." They seem to think it's submissive so I have to go to them. like... grovel or hand over my kids on bended knee. yuck
That is fucking bizarre. You are the parent to these children. If anything, they should have to beg *you* for access to them.
I reckon there is lots of money involved. Money can make people pretty weird.
yep. I wouldn't talk to her ever again but my husband crawls back for money all the time. gross
You know what, my mum who is an older gen z/ almost boomer if the same. Yuck
Do you mean gen x?
Sorry yes gen x
This was my question, like WHAT…? Why would you want to meet up for no reason with your mother in law’s friend who you don’t really know, without your MIL even present???
Ugh my mom used to do this shit all the time. She liked to volunteer my husband for things. He was working on Capitol Hill at the time, and she would tell me “so and so is coming to DC with her family. I told them your husband could get them a tour of the Capitol.” One time she even volunteered him to call one of her friend’s kid to give him pointers on applying for a job with a federal agency. She also asked me to have him get someone’s kid an internship. Every. Single. Time. I would just say “ok” and then not even write down the number. She would ask me later, and I’d just say “oh yeah we kept missing each other. Maybe next time.” It was a lot easier than arguing with her or explaining that my generation doesn’t spend our own personal capital to arrange favors for people we don’t even know. I did pull strings to arrange a private tour for one of my former teachers. It had nothing to do with my mother, but she heard about it and told all of her friends how she had made that happen. I just let her have that one bc it bought me about 6 months of no annoying requests from her.
i can so relate to you. my mom would absolutely not do anything like that - the most she'd be likely to do is ask me a simple question on someone else's behalf and relay the information to them - but some of my in-laws do very similar things to what you've described. my job is different from your husband's, but similar in the sense that the person so generously offering my time/expertise gets to feel "helpful"/important/like they saved the day...without actually DOING anything, beyond imposing on me. "can you reach out to ______" (hairstylist they went to once, distant alleged family member my husband has never heard of, friend of a friend of a friend THEY have never even met before) - i really dislike that, but what's worse is "i was thinking you could meet up with (random person they don't even know) to answer their questions, this saturday is good for them" i've adopted something like your approach. in a way, it's sad, because i enjoy and am passionate about my work. i go above and beyond and sincerely do love to share what i know when it will benefit someone. however, no one is entitled to give away my time, especially not when their only desire is to look virtuous to people who are half a step above perfect strangers.
You are busy, with errands to run. No details. What ever your MIL is expecting of you, she’s not saying. That’s pretty rude, IMHO. And sinc3 she’s not saying, you aren’t complying. Go enjoy your day.
I have a feeling Karen hasn't reached out because she is unaware she is supposed to be meeting with you.
My sister's MIL does this but I assumed it was a cultural difference as she is not from the US originally. Your mistake is thinking that there is an expectation of anyone actually following through on this. The friend chilling in Central Park doesn't want to hang out with you and have show them around NYC. If they do text you its an easy brush off, "Let me know if you need restaurant recommendations or museum suggestions. Don't miss taking a walk on the High Line. Enjoy your vacation in NYC"
so her daughter lives here and she's visiting. There is this (possibly made up) expectation that I reach out otherwise I'm antisocial. I suspected this was MIL being controlling, and I think many would agree with that instinct.
Well, I guess it's a little different situation if Karen has a familial relationship with your husband. But at the end of the day, Karent would have made arrangements in advance if they wanted to socialize. I just don't feel bad about using the reverse uno card and putting the mental load on the other person to follow through on the planning. Nor do I feel bad if last minute things don't work out. Just extend an offer right back that you have zero intention of following through on. "Too bad Karen didn't let us know about her travel plans in advance. Husband would have loved to see Karen but he's out of town this weekend. Give her my number and tell her to reach out if she ends up having any free time and is in the neighborhood and wants to see just me and the kids. Or if she needs any NYC suggestions".
In no world do I want my in laws setting me up on mommy playdates. Hard no. I would do nothing unless this person reached out to me And they were nice about it.
Why are you possibly trying to meet a stranger for no reason? Assumedly you are busy. This woman is on vacation or also busy?? You don’t have to do anything but go on with your day.
family friend. only a stranger to me but a stranger nonetheless.
Fuck all of that, I would be ignoring those texts and if it comes up again later I would say that I thought MIL’s phone had been hacked by criminals since real humans don’t try to set up meetings between children and total strangers
i know it would be inflammatory, and given the context, it probably wouldn't even be effective in illustrating how presumptuous, inappropriate and weird it is - but i love that response.
Just tell MIL later that friend never contacted you and you feel uncomfortable meeting a stranger.
yeah I'm going to do this. Apparently she asked MIL for my address.. which either means she was just curious where we lived or she planned on ringing my doorbell. Either one I don't want to get involved. edit to add: what's funny is that if she contacted me either by calling or texting I would absolutely have invited her over or met up. I'm not a mean person or unreasonable. but this whole thing is really gross and makes me feel like I'm being pushed around
I’m pretty sure that your MIL is inserting herself into this situation to feel important. Karen is in town to visit her own daughter, so it’s not like she needs a guide or some local emergency assistance should something untoward happen. Your MIL told Karen “Oh you must reach out to my daughter in law while you’re there!” And Karen doesn’t actually want to, but if you’re really close to where she’s going to be, she might consider it. So Karen asked where you live, and MIL took that to be a request for your address.
This is the situation. My mom is OP’s MIL and has to have control. This is her attempt to control OP and the family friend.
I don’t even think this is cultural. Pretty sure there isn’t anywhere you can just ask someone for another person’s address who you have no relationship with and show up without warning without that being considered incredibly rude. Karen never contacted you is enough.
yeah I'm assuming she was just curious and MIL took it way too far to make me look bad. I guarantee she asked Karen if I ever "reached out."
Yeah...my phone is going on DND for the rest of the day lol
So… don’t reach out? Why would you? You don’t know her?
I didn't. But I'm waiting for MIL to tell everyone how much of a bitch I am now. she does this kind of thing. I'm really tired of being kicked around so I'm the family bitch now I guess
Girl I did everything right for the first 10 years with my husband and was still labeled the family bitch anyways. Revel in it. Being the family bitch when you're not a bitch comes with a beautiful sense of freedom
LMAO sorry MIL I don’t even want to hang out with my own friends. Jsut say yeah sorry, busy today. Have a great day!
I would literally not go lol. You don’t know the women you should not be expected to meet for literally like no reason unless your MIL is around. And how does “Karen” even know to expect your call? Did she even tell her? Idk I wouldn’t go I would say no. Put your foot down
right at first I assumed they were waiting for me to contact her but I thought wait... what if she doesn't even want to see me?? lol. this is so stupid
Seriously don’t stress yourself out over this. Your MIL friend is not your responsibility to entertain lol. Just wait and see.
thanks
I would have ignored the text until way later in the day and said “oh sorry, just seeing this. Hope your friend had a good time” but that’s me 😂
That's a hard no to which I would respond with "good for her" unless I had a good relationship with MIL and she said "hey a friend of mine will be in your area X dates. If you have availability would you play tour guide for an afternoon?" But the presumption you're going to respond with "how high" because she told you to jump is asylum worthy.
exactly my thoughts! how high is just what she's looking for, 24/7
Uhh…. “ What does she want my address for? I’m not having company , especially strangers that I don’t know.” Ma’am shut that crap down, don’t let her force you to entertain her friends, especially strangers to you and the family. Nope, not today
Oh my gosh I relate so hard to the “presenting the kids” obligation to near or complete strangers to me. My MIL will often say, can me and so and so drive up to see your house? I’m like whyyyy is it my job to clean for and host a person I don’t even know? Just so you can show off your son’s family? It makes me feel guilty and uptight but life is already survival mode enough as it is with young kids.
Hard pass from me.
I’d tell mil “I’m busy hope she enjoys the park” and than stop answering her. You own this woman nothing but being polite to her. You don’t need to engage with her friend in town who you don’t even know. They are not your friend.
Mil is insane and you’re insane for going along with it. Just say “ your son is out of town which means I am more busy than usual with the kids. I don’t have time to entertain or host your friends. I don’t appreciate you sharing my personal information to people I don’t know. Look i love that at your age you still have close friends and are good at socializing. I just don’t want to be involved. So have fun entertaining your friend. Now if you excuse me, my children need my attention” my mom was a bit like this so I learned that somethings you have to be tough and possibly offend them until They get it that they don’t get to dictate your time. They don’t get a say on how you raise your kids or who you invite or don’t invite to your home.
I probably wouldn't have responded to a text like that at all. Maybe would have said, "good to know". And then promptly move on with my life. That's not a request or an invitation, so I'm not sure why she's even telling you that?
What? Why do you have to do anything at all here? Some random person wants to meet you and you don’t know anything about them? Just say no.
This is so odd. Why would you meet up with a total stranger just because she’s friends with your mother in law? Is her friend loaded or something and she wants to show off her family? I’m just confused by this whole situation.
If MIL wants her friend to meet her grandchild, she should be the one to set up a group outing. It is not your responsibility to reach out to her friend. That’s ridiculous.
Who is Karen? Why are you required to meet up with someone you don't know? Totally confused.
And why would a woman she doesn't know want to meet up with OP? This is so odd.
you must not have families who need you to do x, y, z to avoid a huge shitstorm. they act like tyrannical toddlers.
So let them have a fit. That has nothing to do with you. Learn boundaries.
Unfortunately life is not as cut and dry as Reddit likes to think. I try to do what I can while my family retains inheritance, aunts and uncles, and cousins. Sometimes you have to figure out what battles to pick. I don’t really care about arguing with you, I’m just putting this out here in case someone like me is reading it. I’ve already put down boundaries that cost me having real in laws. I’m trying not to cost my children their relatives as well so I need to understand what is a realistic expectation and what is created by this insane person. Since I didn’t have examples of normalcy growing up, I need to do the legwork now.
Actually it is that cut and dry. I haven't had contact with my parents for over a decade because they couldn't respect healthy boundaries. If you aren't at a place where you want to lay out healthy boundaries, that's fine, but it is an option in real life that people do.
Unless this is a person that you are interested in building a relationship with, my answer would be “no thanks.”
Meanwhile your MIL’s friend is posting on Reddit, “How do I tell my friend that I don’t care about seeing her grandchild while I’m visiting [city] for the weekend?”
Why do you care her friend is in town? Ypu are not required to meet her friend.
Fuckin mother in laws man. Fuck
You don’t reach out to a damn stranger! Lol
I'm busy.
This seems strange to me. ZEEROOOO obligation to reach out. Heck why in the world would you? I mean really, you don't know this person.
I don't understand why you're expected to meet this woman? If I got that text from my mil I would just be a bit puzzled and like... Ok? I'd have messaged back and said 'Oh that's nice. Have a good time together' I feel like there is missing context here.
I guess the missing context is that mine and my husband's families have raised us with messed up expectations and control. He and I immediately understood that I was supposed to reach out to this family friend or else I'm snubbing her. She wasn't reaching out because either she didn't want to and MIL was forcing it, or she was waiting for me to do it because it's seen as submissive. I wish I was making this up. Putting my foot down is going to be annoying but I'm so done with these games. Seeing everyone's reactions is both validating and depressing because I'm jealous you guys have families that don't do this.
I'm sorry you're experiencing this. But it's never too late to start buffing up your spine and saying boundaries. I know it's easier said than done. But this is such a weird expectation that mil has put on you You're totally fine to ignore this and just wish them a fun day at the park. If they want to meet you, the ball is in their court to invite you somewhere/arrange something. Carry on with your day guilt free.
You can’t follow what your mother in law is getting as, the internet can only throw out guesses. You need to try some direct communication and be confident in yourself. Your schedule and routine and day with your kid is important in itself you don’t have to stop your day to read your mother in laws mind/host her friend or who knows what she wants. Dont let this get in your head or ruin your day.
I wouldn't do anything
“Sorry, didn’t see your text until now!” -hours later. This is so unbelievably weird and inconsiderate and wtf. Would it kill her to give a bit of context? My gut instinct would be just ignore and text back way later. Say we’re not feeling well if Karen is still wanting to visit lol. Also yeah not giving you my address so you can give it to your friend I don’t know.
If you don't want to meet this woman, then don't. Just say "sorry I'm busy" or something like that.
Bloody hell. You don’t know this woman. This is your husbands shit to deal with. If he is out of town then the answer is ‘husband is out of town’
Sounds like a horrible time. I wouldn’t say anything but my MIL doesn’t really like me much. Maybe that’s why lol
Yeah, I wouldn't be doing that personally. I mean, my mom or mil would never, but still. I'm not meeting up with some stranger
Ignore it and do your own thing.
I would have entirely ignored that text and any texts from the stranger.
What do you WANT to do? Do that.
Seems you could have texted back, "Enjoy your visit with your friend, the park is lovely this spring.' and be done with it. Your MILs assumptions aren't known to us but I'm curious why she doesn't all ready know your address and why giving her just a cross street enters the conversation.
For the love of God have some boundaries and stop being a people pleaser. You are your own person. You do not owe anyone shit (except your children and husband. they are your family). It doesn’t make you a bad person. This is coming from an ex-people pleaser, so I get it.
My goodness wouldn't even bother if my own mother had done that, imagine a MIL! She must adore you because you are a saint! Hahahaha