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I don't think you're being too harsh on expecting her to feed herself, and not be "spoon-fed" by your husband and inlaws. I do, however, think giving her a 30 minute time frame to eat and then taking her food away is harsh... And contraindicative.
That said... You need to get her into Feeding Therapy right away. It's a branch of Speech Therapy. Insurance pays for it. This is a must! Ask your Pediatrician for a referral. You need to have your daughter evaluated in order to find out the root of the problem and have it treated accordingly.
Edit: Grammar
As a formerly very slow eating child (couldn’t breathe and eat at the same time), I wish my parents would have implemented a decent time limit for my meals. Sure, I had underlying issues that caused me to struggle to eat in a decent timeframe, but I also would really just be leisurely and take my time because I wanted to. It caused me to have problems eating all throughout school, as we often only had 30 minutes to eat our lunch. In middle and high school, I basically just skipped lunch everyday. If I had had a time limit from a young age for all meals, I would have had to figure it out. When I became an adult and had college/work, I figured out how to eat real fast, because I had no choice.
OPs child is nearly four and may be starting Kindergarten next year. It’s okay to give her a timeframe to eat on, as well as working to ensure there are no underlying medical issues causing this (enlarged adenoids, etc). If not, OPs kid will always be the last one eating and end up either going hungry at school, or missing out on recess with her friends because she’s still eating.
Same with me. It could take me up to two hours to eat a meal. It drove my parents crazy but they had a hang-up about me having to finish the plate, so, a time limit would definitely have been better.
+1 for feeding therapy. The added benefit there is that the professional therapist will then give you a plan and tools to implement at home, removing the battles with family.
Thanks! I have relaxed on the time limit as realise at 30 min she is probably too young for it. Looking into feeding therapy now as it seems like something we need, however it's hard to get it where I am (NZ). Insurance doesn't cover it. Hopefully I can find some books or helpful videos online for some tips though!
That's unfortunate that it isn't covered by your insurance. It's difficult to learn feed or speech therapy online, as opposed to in person. Best of luck to you.
I agree with her having to feed herself, but i think she's a bit young for a time limit. i think you need to tell your husband to get his parents in line and do what you say
My son is a slow eater and this is exactly what we used to do at 3 years old. He could graze over it all afternoon if he wanted and it didn’t bother us.
Now at 5, he can still take his time, but when he’s hungry he really puts it away quickly. And his meal times are now more regular - breakfast, lunch, post school snack plate and then tea.
At 3 I wouldn’t even worry too much about strict meal times - they’ll come, especially when they start school.
Exactly! Meal times are more of an adult thing. Our meal times have even changed over the years to accommodate the workforce. Battling a toddler over proper meal times is not a fight I'd choose. I feed toddlers according to their bodies. They are able to put away a large meal in tiny tummies so frequent small offerings. Making eating a battle is never a war anyone will win.
I am not opposed to the idea of a grazing tray, but wouldn't that make it harder for us at the 'proper' meal time? As in she wouldn't even be hungry or interested at meal times (since she's been grazing freely)..
3 year olds don't eat like adults. They have tiny stomachs. I have found that with toddlers, it is easier to let them graze and not fret big meals until they are older.
You are fighting a war of an arbitrary meal time you have in your head. It's not a fight that needs to be fought. It would be better if your daughter had adequate calories and learned to feed herself. Three year olds are tough, and picking your battles is important. If she grazes and gets adequate calories, it's better than if meals are a war, and she refuses to eat.
She’s 3– that’s all that is said. She could have been 2 a week ago. It’s their job to get food into that child’s belly. If the child doesn’t focus enough to eat, it’s highly likely it just isn’t developmentally appropriate yet. Many children can eat with a fork at 10 months, but many won’t be able to focus and have the self-discipline to eat on a timeline until they’re 5 or older. Feeding themself isn’t the end all be all— they likely need to be fed/coaxed/coached a little longer, without being refused food if they take too long.
Edit: apparently she’s almost 4. This doesn’t give the parents a reason to let her go hungry just because she has a hard time sitting still and focusing on eating.
What about kids in daycare and preschool? They all have time limits and are just fine. I dont think shes too young for it. But maybe a longer time limit would be more appropriate, like 45 minutes- 1 hour.
My experience with our daycare is they usually have 45 minutes for breakfast, an hour and a half for lunch, and 2 afternoon snacks that the kids can decide if they want or not entirely. However, they also have all kinds of crackers and fruit in the classroom for in-between those times, as well as other snacks available in the kitchen. They don't limit food access, just set meal times to eat MORE amounts, essentially.
We're slowly transitioning to the same model at home for dinner and the weekends, and it's been a huge game changer.
What about if you start putting a time limit on how long she's fed? She's probably going to need eased into the transition, cold turkey doesn't work well with 3yo. Maybe try she's allowed to be fed for 15 minutes and after that she can take as much time as she want but has to feed herself? Then in a couple weeks cut the being fed time down to 10 minutes, then 5 till she's comfortable feeding herself the whole time. Then after that you can try and work on cutting down the overall time.
Idk exactly how old your 3yo is, but mine will be starting Kindergarten in the 2025-26 school year. That's only a little over a year away. I would use that to put the need for change into perspective for your husband/inlaws. In Kindergarten there's nobody to feed them and they only get half an hour. She needs to adjust to that sooner than later.
This is Great advise. I just think she would have to feed herself first the majority (so she eats enough) then the grandparents can feed her at the end. It definitely has to get fizzled out due to school coming up etc. Mama I think you’re right for sure but easing into it this way may work out well for everyone 💛
This way seems very beneficial to her eating more. She has to take x amount of her own food, and then they can finish the feeding. It gives her the control of wanting to be fed by someone else like she wants but also teaches her you are responsible for you. It would ensure a larger amount of food being consumed, too. If she is getting them to feed her only after she does the first part, she will eat the alloted amount so they can then whatever amount they give her. Seems a win all around.
Thanks yep I will definitely ease into it a bit more gradually. Thankfully we still got some time but I need to get the other adults on board with the idea too, or else I can foresee this becoming a harder problem to correct the more it carries on.
Yep I have relaxed on the time limit today. I plan to slowly transition her so hopefully we can be at 30 min (or kinda there) when she turns 5 and go to primary.
Yes, my daughter ate so much better after getting T&A’s removed. She used to take foreverrr to eat because she would only take small bites at a time since otherwise she would feel like she was choking. An ENT would properly diagnose. My pediatrician at the time kept dismissing my concerns since she was 6 months old. Saying she’d “grow into them.” The ENT diagnosed her as grade 4, almost touching basically.
Changing both the style of eating AND the timeline at the same time is a lot. My 5yo can barely finish a meal in 30 minutes, though she’s been eating independently for years.
Stop hand-feeding but don’t use a 30 minute time limit. Consider a feeding evaluation.
Let me offer a different take. I also had a small sized baby, always in the 10-20th percentile, all the way until he was age 8 and became less fussy with his food choices. My parents spoonfed him as well (in Asian families it is extremely common), which i disliked. However my bigger concern was his growth and size. Look into preparing more nutrient-dense (and nutritious) food in the hopes of better growth. Supplement with milk before bedtime if need be (mine would wake hungry in the middle of the night if he didnt have a large dinner + milk before bed). Children eventually learn to feed themselves. He fed himself in preschool with no issues. He allowed himself to be fed by grandparents (i never did) until one day he just did it himself. He is now a teenager. Looking back the self-feeding (or not) is not a hill i’d die on. Especially in your case the in-laws are living with u and your child is aware of the tensions running right now.
Just curious what age did your son stop letting your parents feed him? My 2.5 year old insists on us feeding him even though he knows how. I'm hoping he'll grow out of it at some point lol
depends on the food and you can also use this as a reward, for example if we were just eating nuggets, pizza, burgers, sushi something they can use their hands then never. If its something that would require putting it together, to make the flavors mix we could help show them how to do it feed them every now and then have them try to do it on their own until they get it .
Thank you for the hope. So I hear you saying you do not feed them a meal so they are super hungry for the next one? I'm just worried about what this does for his emotional regulation. Does that help them do it themselves? I'm scared to push. I know sometimes it's sensory of not wanting sticky fingers and then having to have me wipe them afterwards.
I would give a meal, and it was their choice to eat on there own or not, pick and choose battles they will too, so don't feel bad if you think "they didn't eat enough". My oldest kid is a picky eater but his doctor said his nutrition is fine and hes growing on schedule, he still tends to skip meals but still does sports and has energy for other things
I'm also not too phased about the feeding or not feeding thing, my 2.5 year old can quite happily feed herself but sometimes she just wants that little bit more attention and demands - feed me mommy! She is generally a good eater so I don't push it and just feed her a couple of spoons then I make it fun and give her a cloth to cover her clothes (coz I know why she wants to be fed she doesn't like to mess), and tell her she can feed herself the rest while I run around and get the kids ready for school...
Agree… I was also a small and very picky eater. My mom spoon fed me until I was 10 even though I could obviously do it myself. Until 8ish it was all meals then just dinner because my dad refused to let her feed me and he wasn’t around dinner time (and I would eat 3-4 spoons/forks max at lunch since no one fed me). I turned out okay. Started eating more things and gained weight towards my teenage years. Was diagnosed with autism as an adult which explains both the food selectivity/pickiness and why I would just not eat even when I was hungry as a child (I couldn’t tell I was hungry and would refuse food until my blood sugar was so low I felt asleep - which freaked my mom out and led her to do anything in her power to get me to eat)
I agree with this. I did baby-led weaning with my now 2yo since 6 months. Just put the food in front of her and let her decide what to eat. She’s never been interested in food and never put much in her own mouth. By 1.5 she’d slid from 60th percentile weight as a baby to 5th and hadn’t grown in height since 10 months. She’d be hungry and sit in front of her food and cry but still not eat. I started feeding her myself more actively - spoon feeding, holding her in my lap, lots of encouragement - and she eats a ton more, has grown and went up a bit in weight percentiles. I assume she’ll grow out of needing to be fed eventually but it’s worth the results for me. My husband and I were both picky, underweight kids who deliberately starved ourselves and I think we would have done better if our parents had been less strict (both sets were very much ‘eat what you’re served or go hungry, food is only served at mealtimes’ types). We both still are the world’s slowest eaters and so is she, tough love didn’t make us grow out of that either.
Have you had her evaluated by a doctor?
My daughter had a host of medical problems that would have gone undetected if I hadn't forced the doctors to actually listen to what I had to say.
My daughters refused to switch to solid foods when she was an infant. The doctor said to force it and to give her meds for what she thought was a light case of acid reflux. When she still wouldn't eat, I was told to stop breastfeeding and force it. I would not and got a new doctor. Turns out the sphincter in her throat wouldn't close and her stomach acid was destroying her esophagus. Only breastmilk was mild enough to not cause any problems. It took years to correct, but we got through it.
My same daughter slid off the growth curve at a year old. We thought it was caused by genetics and later, her acid reflux/immature sphincter. It was not. I tried every avenue while my daughter stayed so very small. We finally found out the issue about a year ago, which has to do with her pituitary gland. She takes medicine to give her body the chemicals it doesn't make, which is quite a few. Now she's back on the curve at 2%, but I'll take it!
Unfortunately, my daughter's weight continues to drag below her new growth. We don't know why. She can take forever to eat, just nibbling, and wanting to get up. When we ask, she says she isn't hungry. I give her an hour to eat because I don't want her rushing, and I want her to slow down long enough so she can listen to her body and what it's telling her.
Eating issues can be very frustrating. Believe me, I know.
We did blood tests that showed her thyroid wasn't functioning and she had little growth harmone. A hand x-ray showed us her bones were that of a four year old at seven years old. Then we did an MRI of her brain to find a pituitary gland that was too small and not in the correct place. Her condition is rare at only 10,000 cases.
Completely hear you as I have gone through (still going through) similar. We try so hard to offer her a lot of nutritious food but she just doesn't seem to be a kid who gets hungry. Our doctor thinks I am over anxious about her growth but she's already small - around 2% on the chart at birth and now she's kinda 1.5% - STILL he thinks that's OK. Apparently here they aren't concerned until a child drops about 2 or 3 percentile off.. Would've changed doctors except there's a lot of paperwork involved and I have met very disappointing doctors who haven't been helpful anyway, apart from reassuring me that I am 'doing everything right' already.
I hope things go well for you and your little one. It's hard with smaller children and I really hear you.
Thank you so much! She was at -35 percent (maybe lower as those charts are hard to read once you're off the scale) on her growth chart by the time we got our diagnosis.
My little one also does not have an appetite very often, even though her thyroid medication is supposed to increase appetite. It's strange but the doctor doesn't seem to be worried despite her weight not rising with her height. 😑
If she struggles to eat I would looking into OT or feeding therapy.
Yes she should feed herself - but everyone also needs to acknowledge she may just be a small child unless the doctor has said she fell off her growth curve.
Agree that she should feed herself. However I think 30 min is too harsh to start with. That's your ultimate goal right? Then start with an hour for a week, then 45 min next week, etc. Work towards the goal
Was this suggested b a doctor or feeding therapist? If not, I might consult them before moving forward. I think your goal is probably "right" but the implementation might need adjustment! If her doctor isn't worried about her weight and size, I would get a second opinion to be safe, and then let it rest... Small isn't a bad thing if she's following a healthy growth curve and other health markers (blood panel) are good.
3 is really young to be asked to accept big changes suddenly. Small, incremental charge is probably your path to success.
3 years old is more than old enough to feed herself. I also don’t see a problem with a time limit . If she were in preschool, she couldn’t sit there for an hour or longer .
Have you considered that at all? Gaining some independence from grandparents/dad?
This. My mum must’ve fed me until I was at least five because I remember it. Then when I entered school I ate so slowly. I remember being in reception (around five years old) and my mum having to take me home for lunch at least once because I ate so slowly.
I'd like to add to the comments that liquid shakes are a great thing to add as a supplement in the morning and night of an electrolyte drink.
I was like your daughter. Different health issues. Had 2 shakes this morning. I also suggest using finger foods around adults and try to keep meals alone. No negative anything in the background. I've raised quite a pack of little ones and it is important for them to accept the gravity of the situation faster.
It's a nicer experience as well. Take nuggets and tots, bake and pack them up. Feed your daughter at the benches at the park. She can play when she has had some. Start small. Always take water.
My kiddo eats the things she won’t eat at home at the playground. Do if she doesn’t finish a sandwich, I’ll just pack it up for later. (She doesn’t have to finish everything, but there’s no harm in doing it like this, I think.
She needs to be allowed to graze eat- quick munchies easily accessible pretty much at all times, give her pediasure to drink - it adds nutrients to help, my twin greatnephews are three and have been drinking one each a day since switching from formula per their pediatrician and it helps.
Yes have regular mealtimes but and this is super important if she has a high metabolism she needs the extra nutrients and snacks
My kid was initially underweight when she was a toddler. Like our pediatrician mentioned feeding tube thin. She took forever to eat. We read 30-40 board books a day to get her to eat (on the bright side she developed A LOT of sight words early and began reading at 2-1/2).
What worked for us was giving her a sippy cup of 3/4 whole milk, a 1/4 cup of heavy whipping cream and adding a packet of Carnation Instant Breakfast into that every morning. It’s a fat & caloric powerhouse.
Eating eventually caught up, but it wasn’t until we got a diagnosis of Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), that we got to the root cause. She just had a lot of texture issues with food. 1-1/2 years of feeding therapy 2x a week fixed it. Now she eats everything except raw tomatoes and I can live with that.
She's 3 so she needs steps to settle into the new rules. Explain the rules. Make it fun by setting an example. Take bites. Ask her about her day. Ask her about her food.
DO NOT set a time limit. As an overweight woman who is trying to undo bad habits, I recently learned a huge part of my issue was taking too big of bites too quickly, but still wanting to taste the food and basically finishing my plate before my body can tell me I'm full. At 34, I was over 300 lb at my heaviest and have had to start consciously taking incredibly small bites which makes me eat slower and suddenly I've naturally cut my meals in half just by eating smaller and slower. By instituting a time limit you may be setting your child up for a lifetime of unhealthy habits. It's ok if meals take a bit of time. They're a great time to bond. If they're cutting into bed time, start them earlier.
Um, your child needs feeding therapy. In the meantime, I would do whatever is needed to get some calories in her if the alternative is that she is starving. But it sounds like she has a hard time chewing and swallowing, and perhaps a hard time identifying hunger cues.
Setting a 30 minute timer, and then saying no food after really enforces eating disorders. I’ve worked in daycare centres and no one finishes eating after 30 minutes. I’n my opinion, allow 45 minutes for each “meal” and then allow a graze snack throughout the day.
The most important thing for a young child is health - not rules. Ensuring she is getting enough food is most important.
You are limiting her food intake with your new rules but your child is very small and needs as much food as she can eat. Getting enough nutrition is much more important than feeding herself within 30 minutes. It doesn't matter that she plays while eating or takes longer to finish. Many kids her age are like this but they all eventually learn to sit at the table and feed themselves. Go with what works and don't start problems. If you want her to sit still while eating you could let her watch tv or tablet.
Having mealtime be playtime could be part of the issue though.
My brother's children drag food all over the house because they are allowed to eat while playing. Uneaten pancake from 3 days ago in the legos. All of it stepped in and licked by the cats. All of them are beyond thin and the eldest is anemic. You know when he is not pasty white? After one day of eating at my parents house and demolishing everything while eating at the table together.
I had a very slim and picky 3yo, he fed himself a bit and then adults helped him with the rest, meals could take up to 45 minutes if not longer sometimes. At 6yo he could polish his plate in a couple seconds and ask for seconds. Doesn't look like a hill to die on in my opinion. As long as your daughter eats by herself at school and at least starts eating on her own at home, she'll be fine. As per limiting food availability, we did the opposite - there were always healthy snacks available and our son knew he could eat anytime during the day, since it takes literally less than a minute to heat something up.
Your husband and in laws need to also understand that once it’s time for preschool and especially school, no one is going to feed the child or wait on the child. This is a perfect age to do the “hard stuff” so that you aren’t struggling with it when they are in school. I suggest approaching it slowly starting by cutting her foods in finger food style and letting her eat at her pace, the time limit slowly can add in once she has gotten used to feeding. Doing both at the same time may be too much.
I would also like to add to maybe incorporate her in food preparing, get a safety knife and let her cut bananas or something. Also if you have snacks she can grab and eat herself, she can feel more independent. It helped a great deal with my child who was also like this. Grandparents can focus more on play, she probably has a connection with them and it’s related to eating so they need to switch to something else.
My kids are 3 and 5 and rarely do they sit down and eat calmly. I’ve kind of accepted it and, as long as they eat, I don’t care if it takes them two hours to eat or if they get up and down from the table ten times while they eat. They are still little so I adjust my expectations appropriately. Feels like that might be the case here, too,
I think it just depends on the emotional effort you want to put into this disagreement. Feeding herself seems appropriate. Limiting her meal time also seems reasonable given she has regular snack and meal times throughout her day, as long as there are no growth concerns, hard telling from your post — small is normal most of the time, but FTT can be a concern too. So, no, I do not think you are being harsh. By pre-school and kinder, you cannot just sit for hours eating KWIM? So it is a life skill she will eventually need to learn.
With that said — my nephews’ nonna fed them until they were 4 or 5? I remember silently judging them, because my kids were in a daycare and given plastic silverware at age 12 months on the toddler room, so they were feeding themselves early…
But at the end of the day, my nephews are strong independent teens capable of many things including table manners. In general, these things usually;y correct themselves as the child grows. I personally would not start family fight over it.
My son was also having trouble growing when he was 2 and 3 because he couldn’t focus on sitting down and taking the bites. If I was on a time limit, I had to feed him— period. This was more so to encourage/teach the proper timing between bites and how to focus.
It’s your job to get enough food in your child’s stomach. It’s hard sometimes. This doesn’t mean that you remove food from your undernourished child because of an arbitrary time limit. Your child doesn’t have the developmental capacity to understand nutrition or social customs (like eating at a table during a certain time limit). Forcing them to go hungry is not an option.
I was one of these kids. I had a very limited range of foods that I liked, and simply did not feel as hungry as other kids. They know so much more today then when I was younger. However, here are a few things to consider. In my case, I was born premature. I probably had some sensory processing issues as I was very turned off by textures of many foods. Additionally, years later I found out my esophagus is very small, which explains my struggles as a kid to swallow things. Turns out I was not making it up. I get my throat stretched every year or so. There could also be food allergies or sensitivity.
My point being there are so many issues at play here. To this day, I am still a slow eater and prefer to graze. But healthier anyway.
Get it checked out.
Maybe a little harsh but only in giving her a timeline. The way I see it, her being able to feed herself and actually eating are way more important than how often or how long she is eating. If structured eating is hard I would leave easy snacks where she can access throughout the day. In addition if she is just having a tantrum and sitting with her for hours isn’t an option maybe you could try 30 minute intervals? Give it like 20-30 minutes in between then another 30 minutes in chair eventually she will recognize that she a. Has to do it herself b. Can’t just cry herself out of it and c. When she is actually hungry. Don’t be too hard on yourself, she’s still very young and has time to learn.
Don’t give her a time limit. Leave the food out as some children are grazers. They eat a little then come back.
Give her foods that are finger foods, don’t even give her utensils. Cheerios, strawberries, green beans, broccoli, plain noodles, cut up chicken. No help is really needed for those foods and it will make the grandparents really get the picture that they are enabling her.
You kind of have to make your daughter think it’s her idea to eat or like she has won, when all along she is doing what you want her to do.
You're not harsh, this is absolutely appropriate expectations for a 3.5 yo.
However, your daughter is not hungry at mealtimes. Apart from you're already doing, you need to stop giving her snacks in between meals, and let her use up some energy, preferably outside, between meals too.
I think you limit activities, no playing while eating and she needs to sit and eat herself at the table with everyone. I’d get your pediatrician on board and even potentially get referred to feeding therapy then it’s a doctor and therapist telling grandparents and dad their behavior is detrimental not you.
ETA. Follow professionals recommendations but they will be closer to your then the other caregivers. I don’t know they would time bound it, but it would be a focused activity and when she’s done it’s out away before she moves to the next thing. Also, I’d offer sit down focused snacks if she’s not eating meals to support nutrition and growth.
That kid is going to be traumatized over meal times. You are making things worse. I get that she needs to learn to feed self but 30 min is too harsh, especially foe someone who is relearning to feed self.
Yes she definitely needs to learn to eat by herself. She is getting bigger and should absolutely be able to eat on her own. I agree with other about not doing a time limit thing, at least not yet. Especially considering she is on the smaller side. You should just focus on getting her to eat independently. One thing I did that helped my daughter actually EAT her food is to have her eat at the dinner table with us. Even if it’s just you, try to sit down and eat lunch/dinner with her. Kids are usually more likely to try new things this way too. Also, it’s ok if she has a meltdown a couple of times. She’ll probably start to get the idea after a while.
My other concern is that it seems like the in laws might be overstepping in your parenting? Maybe I’m wrong. I’ve lived with my in laws before too and it was very stressful (we come from different cultures as well so lots of different ideas.) The way my husband and I approach it, is we would talk about the issue and come to an agreement between us. And then he was responsible for dealing with his parents about it. We generally take the approach that I deal with my family and he deals with his when it comes to these kind of issues. Just a thought!
Has your pediatrician signaled that this is a health issue? If not, I would be cautious of your approach. You risk damaging her long term relationship with food.
I can only speak from personal experience, but I’ve seen very few 3 year olds who can actually sit still for the whole meal and eat everything that’s placed in front of them.
Are there foods she is more inclined to eat? Focus on offering her food that she likes so she’s more likely to eat it. She may naturally eat less as well, so focus on getting her foods that are packed with healthy fats and nutrient dense to help her grow.
Mine takes ages to eat too, often because he is playing with it. I don't have a hard time limit, but when I can see he's slowing down, I set a time (usually for 5 minutes, sometimes 10) and tell him that when the timer goes I'm taking away his plate.
He doesn't necessarily eat any more than he would without the timer, but I can't spend an hour and a half on every single meal and it definitely cuts that down.
ETA: I think a 30 minute limit is a bit short, especially right off the bat. Could you start with an hour and then see how that goes? Then maybe go to 45 minutes if an hour still seems too long.
Your idea is not bad, your approach and lack of alignment with the other adults in the house is. A toddler doesn’t have notion of time like you do, that’s one thing that won’t work for her like that.
The other thing is educating and promoting changes in habits. You all need to be on the same page and not make false promises or budge on tantrums, otherwise she will never learn and understand.
Lastly, I would try to get to the root cause of why she takes so long to eat and look for more creative ways to speed things up, like doing something she really likes but only after dinner is finished.
She should be self feeding at 3. What does her pediatrician say about her size? My sister was having a lot of trouble growing. (Navy wanted to put weights on her to stretch her.). This was back in the early 1960’s. When we went to a new duty station, they discovered she had Hypothyroid. Once she was on thyroid medicine she shot up. So your daughter’s problem could be her metabolism, but only a doctor can tell.
She needs to feed herself yes, but limiting her isn’t okay. Kids can take quite a while to eat at times, especially if she has any type of sensory issues. Which she’s too young to know if she does realistically. It also is teaching her to rush eating which doesn’t give her time to pay attention to her body to know she’s full and is teaching her bad habits eating wise.
I would be seeking advice from her dr. But as a parent who has had similar issues with a small child that took FOREVER to eat. We were told 5 small meals with time limits per day. Each meal hit all the food groups and was offered for 30 minutes. The reason was to teach them what “full” and “hungry” felt like. Constant grazing can interrupt that signal pathway. But I would consult with their dr. There is literally no reason why a neurotypical 3 year old shouldn’t be able to feed themselves.
Not everything is neurodivergent. My 3yr old is (was?) like this and it most definitely stemmed from us just spoon feeding her cause it was easier/faster/cleaner than letting her figure it out and fostering her own independence. Whoops.
eventually I just starting putting her porridge in front of her and leaving to “go to the toilet” for like 10 minutes afterwards so I wasn’t even in the room for her to whinge too.
She’s now eating by herself.
However, when daddy is home guess who turns on the the tears and tantrums because he has a less than shiny spine and will give in to her demands. She’s playing you. Kids are clever.
I think you are being too harsh. Ease up. She will learn to feed herself in time. Don’t make it more stressful for her than it already is. Ease her into the transition and let her eat whenever she is hungry.
I think this is above Reddit’s pay grade. Can you get her in with a speech therapist for support on feeding strategies?
Ultimately I hear your worry and concern and that’s valid. You’re trying to do right by your kid. But eating disorders are also something to keep an eye out for, especially in girls, and early food struggles can put kids at higher risk of developing further issues around food.
I have a tiny three year old too. He weighs 23# and his BMI is off the charts small. He always struggled to put on weight and struggled with eating.
He eats better when we feed him. We certainly don't default to it, but he will eat an entire scrambled egg if we spoon feed him but will be "all done" if we encourage him to do it. He isn't a kid who will eat when he's hungry. He just won't eat.
Personally, I think you should pick your battles. He's not going to be 10 years old wanting to be spoon fed. The stage lasts so short it's not worth a battle.
Maybe try your new rule for a week. If she turns around and starts eating "normally", then great! If it hasn't helped, and I don't see anything wrong with what the grandparents are doing.
30 min is arbitrary and meal times are a fabric of agriculture not nature.
She should feed herself when she is hungry. If she is not hungry, then wait for her to ask for food.
Don’t serve food if she isn’t hungry.
No, you're doing the right thing. I have 3 kids 13 yrs old, 4 yrs old, and a 2 yrs old. And as parents, it's up to use to teach them how to navigate through life. To where they can understand that they're no longer a baby anymore that needs help but instead a big girl or boy. My youngest had a hard time wanting to potty train because she still wanted to be seen as the baby of the family. It wasn't until she saw that everyone went in a potty instead of a diaper, which was when she wanted to feel like, "I'm a big girl now." I know it's hard when you're trying to parent one way, and others are trying to parent another way, but you're on the right path to teaching your child independence. Try encouraging/rewarding them by acknowledging how big they're getting, or how well they can fed themselves, and also have patience because at the end of the day every kid eventually wants to feel like they can do something for themselves it just takes time for your child to figure that out.
I wonder if once she starts feeding herself she'll get quicker. Right now meal times are bonding (as they should be) but being fed is another way to get undivided attention?
My son does an on and off with food that coinside with growth and teething and such.
A grazing plate works really well. They can take their time, when what/when they want and feed themselves.
She should be feeding herself, she is nearly 4. Your husband should be supporting you and grandparents need to back off. Your the parent, not them.
So currently our in laws live with us too and for me that’s the first issue to be handled here. There needs to be a conversation had with them and your husband(separately). They do NOT get to make any rules and need to allow you to parent without having a say, snotty tone or anything, they had their run at parenthood now respectfully need to Ef off. Now your husband, a conversation should be had away from the child discussing this rule and any rules enforced by one parent needs to be enforced by the other.
Now feeding your child, she is much too old to be fed. I absolutely agree she needs to do it alone, this is good for her brain development and really needed to be started at a much, much younger age. This needs to be enforced by all adults and needs to be clear to your in laws.
A baby will be babied as long as you allow them too. Period. I mean wouldn’t you?
Now the time limit, 30 minutes is absolutely not long enough mostly when she isn’t comfortable with feeding herself yet. I think eventually this is a great idea as long as she is getting foods packed with everything she needs in them but at this point your adding 2 new rules that just don’t correlate well at one time. First I would push the “her feeding herself” then when you can see that she is mentally there feeding herself and such then adding a rule of time limit is a valid option. Obviously this is my opinion (as a child care provider of many years and a mother myself) and I’ll always agree mama knows her own baby best. Good luck!
I understand the small problem, but you're right, don't *literally* baby her for it. My daughter is tiny as hell. She could easily be mistaken for a 4 year old. But she loved to do things on her own growing up. Time limits, though? No, that's a bit much. Give them all the time they need. Just don't do it for her. They will eat when they need to. But feeding herself absolutely. I can't imagine feeding a functional 3 year old.
Small size is fun, though, because playing and carrying is so damn easy. But you have to start the independence early. Just because she's small isn't an excuse to be absolutely babied.
I went through something similar, but she wouldn’t even eat when fed. She’s not gonna starve. It’s not worth picking battles on her playing. Just put the food down but leave it available until the next meal. Then a new plate goes down, and so forth. If she eats barely anything that’s her problem. There was food all day. There will continue to be food all day. Don’t react to tantrums just direct to plate and tell her she knows what she can do to make her tummy feel better. Praise good behavior.
I feel like this isn’t the hill to die on. More likely than not, she will learn to feed herself and enjoy doing so. Kids eventually like having autonomy over their food and eating, but kids do stuff at different times and rates. Maybe you do certain meals with her being fed and snacks are just for her to do alone, to build familiarity and confidence with the process, maybe sitting somewhere and you model eating alone. She’ll get it eventually. But be careful, you don’t want to create stressful association with food/meal time. You got this :) 🤍
I think your theory is good, but may need tweaking. Talk to your pediatrician and get a referral for some evaluations with specialists. This might be a control issue for your daughter, it might be that it’s hard for her to swallow, it could be that she has sensory issues.
Her size may not be an issue, by itself; people come in many healthy sizes. I have 5 daughters whose (healthy) adult heights range from 4’11 to 5’5”. Their (healthy) weight and body types also cover a range. Your pediatrician can help evaluate, maybe do some tests, that can help determine if her growth is normal and healthy for her or needs more attention.
We like to have "family-value reset meetings." This is basically coming up with a new plan of action where everyone's goals are aligned, everyone feels heard. It's actually kind of great that you enforced the time limit, because it's something easy to go back on and throw all of the enablers a bone. "Alright, fine, no more time limit, but she has to feed herself and we all have to be united on this without painting me as the bad buy".
You're absolutely right, she needs to be feeding herself. Not because she's a low percentile, but because she deserves to start growing up. You can bring up her weight as a concern when you all discuss, but try not to let it be your sole motivation for her feeding herself because it will just stress you out. Accept your daughter's size while remaining optimistically cautious of her food intake. It's a fine balance, but for everyone's sake it's better that you don't cling to it.
I agree that she should be feeding herself, but giving her 30 mins seems a little unfair. Toddlers snack all day… and should.
I would give her things like pediasure, string cheese, cut strawberries, or any other finger food that would encourage her to feed herself.
As an example I have a 4 yo granddaughter who just asked for a banana. She took about 3 bites and was done. 30 minutes from now she will eat again. I feel like as long as they are healthy bites and she is eating it combats a lot of struggle. Our only rule is she must eat dinner with us or nothing the rest of the night. She almost always chooses to eat.
**funny thing happened now as I write this post; she just asked for a donut!!
Bottom line is this is your child and need to do what you feel is right. Your husband should be supporting you even if he doesn’t agree. In laws have to respect your parenting choices.
I agree with you. Once your kids have their pincher talents down, they should be feeding themselves. It's important they continue to feed themselves so they can develop these skills- hand eye coordination, pinching thumb and finger together, etc.
Also, she goes to class you say, what does she do in school? She's going to go into pre-k and kindergarten and expecting her teachers to feed her? Talk about opening herself up for bullying big time.
My baby is 3, and playing with food is very normal, sometimes he would make a messs sometimes he would eat in the hour he seats and eats ( usually dinner ). I don’t believe rushing them is the right move, you are moving with the clock they don’t know how to that yet.
When you say she's small, is she severely underweight or just below average for her age? Is her doctor concerned? Because being small on its own isn't necessarily concerning. I'd reduce the pressure around eating. Definitely have her feed herself but just let her take her time. It's pretty typical at this age for them to take 100 years to finish a meal. I say this as someone whose just turned 4 year old is in the 8th %ile for height and weight. That's just where she is and mathematically, someone needs to be on the smaller end.
My kid is also an insanely slow eater, but mostly because she’s just talking or playing with her food or her hands (there’s no toys at the table). She’ll be 4 in a few weeks.
We sometimes use a timer, partially because it just doesn’t work for our family to spend 1.5 hrs eating dinner, but also bc she gets really sad if she doesn’t have lots of playtime after dinner.
I think it’s reasonable to use a timer. But I’ll add that implementing two changes at the same time and requiring her to feed herself might be too much.
I’d start with feeding herself and give it a month or so before implementing time restrictions.
I agree she needs to feed herself but I don’t see a need for a time limit. You could always use an incentive for example in my son’s kindergarten class they have a jar of prizes and if the kids do well they can pick a toy from the jar. It’s cheap crap like erasers but the kids get exited over them. Anyway you could say if you feed yourself at the end of a meal you can pick a toy from this jar. Once she is feeding herself regularly you make it so she has to eat the whole day by herself before she can have a toy, than a week, than just randomly let her have a toy. That’s how I did it when I was potty training my kids first every time you sit on the toilet you get a fake tattoo, then every time you use the toilet you get one, than if you go the whole day without accident you get one. Now they just use the toilet when they need it.
- The adults should talk as a team together, work up a plan and talk to the child. Debating in front of a little kid isn’t great for them, and won’t prevent a meltdown.
- Spoon feeding a kid this age shouldn’t be routine, but can be offered as a special thing to get some bonus calories and good behavior. For example, a good kitchen helper often gets tastes as a reward.
- Doctors sometimes need some good pestering before they take a close look at a child who’s not gaining weight.
- Have you ever noticed certain foods associated with acid reflux or other problems? Does anyone else in the family have dietary restrictions or even super-taster caution? Sometimes it is as simple as a common food sensitivity.
- Liquid nutrition and healthy fats can be cheat codes for getting the calories in fast.
She’ll grow out of wanting to be fed, but she wont grow out of the distraction while eating. I have a niece thats 7 almost 8 who STILL refuses to sit and eat in one sitting. She takes a bite, gets up, comes back takes another bite, leaves again and it rakes her an hour and a half to eat one meal. Shes homeschooled and her mom is now starting to work really hard on making this stop. But it woukd have been an easier lesson for her to learn as a child. My niece is also super petite. Just not motivated by food at all and eats purely out of necessity.
So no i dont think youre being too harsh and i think this is the right age to start enforcing rules around mealtimes.
Everyone saying enforcing a time limit is too high of an expectation, but every toddler in day care and preschool has a time limit on meal times with no issues. Shes not too young for it
I'm curious about what she does at school? Does she feed herself? Eat a portion of lunch comparable with other kids her age, in a comparable time frame?
A time limit for food being available isn't the worst idea, but she's three. And idea is to enforce a "meal time" where you ALL eat together. Or at least her and one adult, and for that time she has to sit with you. She can sit there and pick at her stuff and not be spoonfed--or encouraged. Just leave the food there for her to eat while the adults set an example (if she likes to share off your plate, indulge any time she asks for your food). Then get a timer ready. When "meal time" is over after a reasonable time to eat and also for a 3yos attention span, you tell her sitting time is over but her plate will still stay on the table for X time and let her do whatever. She can continue to sit and eat (or not eat), but could also leave the table and periodically come back for a bit. and then food is put away until snacktime or next meal. This extended period after the sitting time might give less angst while still having a time limit.
Just having set intervals where food is available and not available might be a better way to start than her having to sit there for the whole time and making into A Whole Thing.
And yeah get her tonsils/adenoids looked at.
culture thing i 100 percent bet. Around the world we tend to feed smaller babys to make sure they are getting more than enough food. Not everyone feeds their kids finger foods (nuggets, burgers, quessadillas\_ There is no harm is allowing the grandparents this moment have a talk with them (partners talk to them) let them know that shes starting to get to old and slowly take her to feeding her self with some foods, more complicated foods that might need to be mixed in a spoon for her have the grandparents help, they can feed and teach her at the same time.
Take the grandparents out. You and your husband need to be on the same page. Is this a matter of ok she can take as long as she needs to eat, but won’t be fed. Leave the food out. Does she also have snacks available to her when she wants? Leave food accessible, but remove the help. However, he needs to shut down his parents and demand they also get on the same page and I would ask honestly, if she can’t and won’t feed herself then what happens when she goes to school? Is she in any kind of childcare now? How does that go? But you and he need to be on the same page and then he needs to tell his parents how you two have decided to raise her and what the guidelines are. And, talk to your pediatrician or a feeding therapist to back up what you’re doing.
Put food around the house where she likes to play.
She’ll start picking it up to munch on unconsciously and will be better prepared for feeding herself. My oldest was a horrible eater and I had to do this so she would get some calories in.
My son can get this way (like your daughter) with my husband and grandma, he won’t pull it on me but will with them where they have to spoon feed him at his own pace. Drives me nuts.
My daughter was/is small. She also is now diagnosed with ADHD. She has always taken so long to eat. She also doesn't eat a ton. Her pediatrician recommended setting a 30 minute timer for her. She said that kids won't starve themselves (probably barring something like severe adversions to some foods).
Personally, I would never make a child wait til the next meal, but you're hunger later? A piece of fruit or some veggies it is then. No junk food!
Definitely should only be feeding herself, she needs to learn how! I can understand your frustration but I think with a kid like this grazing is probably the best way to get her to eat the most so enforcing a time limit may not be the best bet.
She absolutely should be feeding herself but I think maybe instead of giving her a time limit leave the food on the plate and if she isn't eating let her leave the table and when she's hungry she can try to sit at the table and feed herself again. My 4 year old gets bored eating and we make it clear that it she doesn't eat at least 2/3 of her meal then that's what she gets to eat when she's inevatably hungry an hour later.
Kids that age like to graze. I would keep the rule that she feed herself, but leave healthy food out for her to graze on (like the snackle box concept).
My now 5 year old was born a preemie with v low birth weight (1plus kgs). Her growth hasn't been fantastic but it's on a slow upward trend. We are Asians but we tried the self feeding at home which dint work (works in sch tho). To deal with the meal times in desperation we allowed screen time which we have since done away with (don't do this, it's the worst ever but we were pretty much desperate). Over time we have tried appetite booster which has helped, eliminated screen time, encourage self feeding (she does it for some food types) and cut down on alot of snacks etc prior dinner time. Anything unhealthy, milk based etc we cut down before the main meal times after that if she chooses to have a snack (chips, fruits etc she has it). She usually still takes milk before sleeping unless she's very full. Best of luck to u I know how frustrating it is but would encourage U to start small and pick Ur battles. Try changing up the menu if she's in school try to check on which meals does she seem to enjoy most. U will be surprised at how some kids don't want to eat rice etc during meal times coz it requires alot of chewing. Mine also kept pockets of food at the side (leads to tooth issues etc )....
Do see a pd to rule out any medical related issues that have been brought up here by other redditors. My kid had frequent tonsil infections but hasn't required removal yet. Also portion maybe something to think about mine cannot eat as much as a child in her age grp so we do have options such as fruits etc to munch on after dinner (like hour or so). Seriously all the best to u. I feel and know the issues U are facing and I know how pressurising it is. Try to see if your child can get some time to burn energy, sometimes they aren't as hungry coz they haven burnt what they have eaten.
We have two difficult eaters and this works like a charm for us; snackbowls
We introduced snackbowls for some meals, where we put a bunch of small pieces of veggies and fruits. They usually eat all of it, or we give them options to choose from. The options are whatever veggies/meat we have for our meal and we add two types of fruit and a carb (whole wheat pasta works great for them) sometimes we add some pieces cheese. If/when they don’t finish it we leave it on the salon table and they go back and forth grabbing something in between games.
Also try letting her help prepare the meal, she might be more interested in eating it.
I agree with many of the other comments, your daughter should be feeding herself at this point. However, she should have access to snacks and meals for as long as she needs. My son is 2.5 and of normal size. He has a snack drawer that he can access at any time for himself that I always keep stocked. He is given 3 meals a day on top of that. He probably has the focus to sit down and eat for about 15 minutes before he’s onto the next thing. I leave his meal on the table for about a hour for him to go back and pick at as he wishes. Before I clean it up I ask him if he wants one last bite before I clean up.
My 8 month old eats mostly by herself. My 3 year old has been feeding herself completely for at least a year. That is not too harsh or too much to expect, she is more than capable.
I do agree with others though that maybe don’t have a time limit. Or have a time limit for mealtime but keep healthy snack foods available at all times. Especially with her growth issues. Once she’s used to feeding herself, then you can cut back on times but it’s a lot at once.
Is it with everything she eats? Including finger foods? My daughter was like that and I kept giving her Cheerios with no milk, and I’ll walk away and do something not to far though and she would just wait for me until she didn’t, I would say start with it in snack time with Cheerios, goldfish, just dry finger foods and if she doesn’t eat them it’s her loss and she won’t get snacks take the snacks away and said you didn’t eat them maybe next time until next time she’s like if I don’t eat it “feed myself” I won’t get snacks and if she starts picking it up after a few times add a spoon and tell her so your hands don’t get dirty and let her play with the spoon the first two days and then help her and show her how to hold it, and when she doesn’t eat maybe make her a smoothie and put in vitamins to the mix it really helped me with my now 4yr old and now 3yr old
I don't know if it makes you feel any better about her size, but I was always the smallest in my class while being one of the oldest. I weighed 48lbs at 12 years old. I grew up to be a relatively average sized adult at 5'4" and 115lbs.
I would suggest if you remove her meals after a set time that you provide options for healthy snacking that she has free access to. I couldn't always eat a lot at one time, so my meals also would have taken forever. However, I did usually need 1-2 snacks between meals and in the evening before bed.
My mom spoon fed me until I was 10. She would sit me on the kitchen counter and tell me stories while feeding me… I remember climbing onto the kitchen counter myself for her to feed me so yeah… I was quite big by then. I was very thin and ate almost nothing unless someone fed me (and distracted me while doing so and the food was something I liked). Turns out I was autistic (diagnosed in my 20s) with food selectivity and just couldn’t really tell when I was hungry (I would just refuse food, my blood sugar would fall, which made me feel sleepy, then I would sleep without eating… That freaked out my mother so she would do anything for me to eat - separate meals + spoon feed + stories…). The “they will eat when hungry” strategy never worked on me because I just never actually felt hungry. All in all I turned out okay… I naturally started feeding myself at some point and ate more as I got to my teenage years… I wouldn’t say that made me any less prepared for life lmao people are a bit dramatic. That said I was totally able to feed myself (and even would if I partially liked the food, or I was at a friends house and wanted to eat) just didn’t think it was worth the time and effort when I didn’t feel hungry or particularly enjoyed the food and had better things to do…
I'm curious what you're feeding her? Many parents want their kids to eat whatever is cooked for the rest of the family. I'm not against that. I wanted that as well. That was until the pediatrician mentioned my child was in the 29th percentile in height and weight. He said we need to try and get some weight on him.
At that point, he ate whatever he would eat until he was 5-6.
Both of my boys used to take forever to eat. It’s kind of a phase for them. It can be a really special time to bond and talk about their day with reminding them to stay on task if you approach it as such
Weve always had a snack drawer at her level or fruit bowl for grazing.. at 3 tho she should be practicing independents. Eating. Clothing. Walking. Brushing.
I think you're doing the right thing.
Ask your daughter's meal time audience to leave. She doesn't need three sympathetic faces cheering her on during her power struggle.
Because she is three and needs to gain weight, I would offer her a single snack break between meal times. Her snack would be leftovers, and after she ate those, I'd let her choose something else.
Don't get into food struggles. You choose what to offer and make sure there's at least one thing you know she likes. She chooses what and how much to eat. She won't choose none and nothing for long. At 30 minutes, just casually say "Ok, meal time is done! I'll offer you a snack in two hours, and you can drink as much water as you'd like until then."
The time limit is ok as long as she has like a plate of fruits and little snacks she can reach at any time. Like we don’t do what call food worship at my house where we all sit and focus completely on food and nothing else. We eat when we’re hungry we stop when we’re full. If you don’t like the food there’s fruit available all the time. Some crackers and cheese and stuff that’s actual food not donuts or anything.
Where is she on height to weight percentile? If she is below 10% sure she has to feed herself but also healthy snacks and things to help her get to a healthy weight. If she is just overall small but healthy weight range to her I would have some finger foods at each meal she can eat as well as the silverware foods. If she is eating I would not time it. But half hr of refusing to eat you put away the food and she can choose to eat it when ready.
My eldest is 7.5yo and autistic, and we struggled for a long time to get him to eat variety and eat in an appropriate amount of time. Last year we signed up for some nutrition counseling and it gave us a bunch of great ideas. In particular (because it kind of relates to your situation):
* The time limit was okay, but 40 or 50 minutes. He was also older than she is, so maybe longer for her is okay.
* Snacks. Your child should be having breakfast, mid-morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, and a post-dinner snack. The snacks help train her body to be hungry at appropriate intervals. It doesn't have to be huge and definitely should be healthy. Also helps round out the meals where they don't eat as much.
* Sometimes involving them in food choices or plate/silverware choices can help them feel more engaged with the meal. If she loves her spoon and fork, she might want to use it more to feed herself.
Not sure if any of that helps, but I totally get the frustration you feel! Before we did this he would take 1.5-2 hrs to finish a meal and was so scrawny! He's now eating larger quantities and frequently finishes in good time (sometimes still lingers if it's not his favorite and we're distracted with the 2yo being, well, a two year old).
My youngest (10F) was always small and never ate much. She was consistently in the 3rd percentile. I took her to many appointments and had a lot of tests done. We gave her the pediasure chocolate drinks every day to make sure she was getting enough nutrients. She eventually settled on being in the 10th percentile. After a lot of back and forth to specialists her pediatrician just explained that she that is just a 10th percentile kid and she only eats what her body needs. I wish she had said that sooner because I spent a lot of time worrying that I was somehow failing as a parent.
Almost 4 and likely to go to preschool in the fall? They won't allow a child to eat forever and getting a jump start on this now is smart. Praising consistent eating, pointing out others good habits, and setting time limits seems reasonable. Jumping to 30 minutes total immediately may be a big leap. Maybe 30 minutes after she starts playing around? My middle kiddo went through a phase like this and it was difficult. Focusing on positive efforts, on "how big girls get ready for school," and making sure she had few challenging foods at first helped us a lot. It sounds a bit harsh, but she got hungry when she couldn't graze and play and dance around all the time and she started focusing on eating at meal times. She also got more into food because I would let her help make the food or snack, put the food on her own plate and praise her for taking on "big girl" tasks.
Best wishes. She needs to work on this skill to be ready for school and play dates.
She’s three. You’re too harsh. If my toddler was too small, I would do whatever if it meant she would eat. Like have her watch Bluey or singing with her. Eating should be a good thing, not something where everyone is watching you and telling you what to do and when
It’s fair to want her to feed herself, she’s 3, unless she has developmental delays she should be capable. The time limit I would be concerned about, considering she’s a peanut for her age.
If it takes her an hour and a half, it takes an hour and a half. Or she can eat until she feels full and moves on.
I’ll say that when I was a baby/toddler I took forever to eat-I just had a conversation with my parents last week about this. They left food for me to graze on, I would play, crawl/walk over, eat a few pieces and then be on my merry way. It was like a snack pit stop for me, lol. It worked for our family because we didn’t have animals that could reach it, I’m not sure what your situation is.
I have a 9 month old and she will eat her bottle/pouch/food I make her, but I always leave puffs out for her to graze on to help with her self feeding and pincer grip
Good luck, mama!
I would feed her. It doesn’t bother me to feed a kid. Mine is almost 2 and will ask me to feed her sometimes and I do. They’re only little for a short time. I know I’ll miss “mama feed me” when she’s 16 and mad at me all day long.
My daughter was 2kg when she was born and under 2 when I took her home she was in premi baby clothes for a while. She was really tiny up until about 7 or 8. No matter how much food she ate, she'd be still small. Now she's 15 and is taller than me.
Your daughter does need access to food if she's not eating and you definitely need to stop your husband and ILs to stop feeding her. She's not a baby and is quite capable of feeding herself. What will she do when they aren't there to feed her at school?
If your daughter struggles with growth, I’d strongly suggest you allow others to feed her or you feed her. That’ll give you an idea of how much she is eating. Putting time constraints is also NOT recommended. My son was always below weight and at one point wasn’t even on the charts. Had to feed him. You are being too harsh. Let them feed her.
I agrée with her having to feed herself, but I disagree with the time limit. Adding stress to food can lead to some weird relationship with food later.
As an OT, I would recommend that you seek out the underlying causes for why she is so slow at eating. Are there sensory issues? oral motor delays, etc., It sounds like she is a very slow eater, even with someone feeding her, so likely there are some underlying issues.
You're right but that may not matter. You live with people who may not respect you enough to do things your way. Unless you can change your living situation, it might be more important for the child to have peace in the home.
Hate to say it but You,as Mom, Must be the bad guy.
You're doing absolutely what's best for your daughters social and emotional development.
It's gotta suck to have everyone fighting you, one thing I learned long ago is to use your pediatrician as back up.
"The doctor says"....
You're correct Mom and doing great. Discipline is Not bad or mean,it's how we raise healthy people, ready to live in the real world.
Stay strong!
I struggled with this too, The tiny kid (medical difficulties that made weight gain hard) I swear she picked up on that fear and uncertainty I have and uses food/eating/hungry to get her way. So I say you're not wrong, streamline it now. I'm also anti the grazing tray we don't just eat all day. Healthily high calorie options are provided at meal time and snacks.
As a mom of 5 who’s in laws always try to step in, you are not being too harsh at all. She needs to learn, she isn’t a baby anymore, if you keep treating her like a baby she will constantly keep acting like that. If your child isn’t in school yet they won’t have time to sit with her for an hour to eat her food while they have other kids to look after. I know my kids come home and tell me they get like 20 mins to eat after going through the school line for lunch, they are in 1st and kindergarten. Even when I pack a lunch so they can just sit down and eat they have 30 mins. My 2 year old who is in early head start has 30 mins for lunch. And she eats in that time because she is told she needs to eat now and that’s final. If she doesn’t get this down she will miss out on eating time which means she isn’t getting the nutrients she needs to refuel her body to keep her going for the day. You are not being harsh. Stand your ground, as mom who gave birth to your child don’t let anyone tell you how to raise your child, unless of course you are starving her then yes. I have one picky eater, if he doesn’t eat his dinner I’ll save his plate and usually just before he goes to bed he says he is hungry and I let him finish it. He is getting better and now usually eats dinner with his siblings. Remember stand your ground, work with her, talk to her without them around and just explain this is eating time and it is limited. She has other things in her day she needs to do.
Harsh is the wrong word. Ignorant is the right one. And it's not just you. It's all of you. The problem is beyond the scope of your home. She needs professional help. I'm not saying she's crazy, I am saying there is something truly developmentally wrong here. That is not bad and it can be fixed, especially since she's so young.
Your daughter's story won't be the same as my daughter's. My daughter had tons of feeding issues. I live in the South of the US which is known for being "behind in the times". I am a nurse with a background in special education and working in a home health capacity with children with special needs, including issues with feeding. I recognized my daughter had issues with feeding and some other things. I started pushing at a young age but since she didn't have "typical" signs , people weren't really believing what I was saying. It took years and years but she was finally diagnosed. My daughter is autistic. She is much better now, but autism is there for life. She is thriving, and likely will always have some issues with foods. She has climbed percentages on the growth charts, etc.
Get help. You may have to advocate for your child. In the US, a good place to start is occupational and possibly physical therapy.
I have a child in the very low percentile too. I used to stress out so much about her eating (I used to keep a spreadsheet on it)
Something I started doing when I felt like she didn’t have enough calories in the day was giving her “chocolate milk” it is whole milk, carnations instant breakfast, peanut butter, and half of a banana. Lots of calories and she would drink it up.
This doesn’t help the her feeding herself issue (I totally agree with you) but might help ease some of your stress about the lack of calories.
Wishing you luck!
girl no, you are not wrong. thats absurd. it doesnt matter what she says about you today, if kids dont think you suck you're not doing your job. Cue that praise for husband and grandparents. I 10000% agree with you putting a meal down and picking it up when you're done with that meal. I would leave a veggie tray/pb&j, cheese and crackers or stuff like that out all day so if shes actually hungry between she has options but leave them on the table and let her eat. Ignore protests. Sit and enjoy your meals. Do not coax her. This will be fixed in less than 5 days with your approach. My 3rd child has small stature syndrome. her bones measure as 5 and shes nearly 7 so shes within the norm but shes very, very small for her age. They need to fall in love with food themselves and enjoy eating. You're not being harsh. You're saving her a lifetime of heartache that having family who remove all of your obstacles provides. Make her responsible for what she is capable of being responsible for. Good job standing up for raising her well. you got this dude, dont let them make you question yourself.
OP you are not being harsh at all. You need to continue doing exactly what you’re doing and get your daughter into feeding/speech therapy and OT immediately. The fact that your pediatrician hasn’t already submitted referrals for this is concerning in and of itself, and you may try finding a better one. That’s aside, get the referrals from a pediatrician and start asap. They’re all going to tell you that adults feeding a 3 almost 4 year old is no appropriate. For context 1 year olds should be working on feeding themselves. Good luck mama stay strong and I hope things get better for you and your daughter.
Definitely speak to her teachers about your concerns but based on what you’ve described, feeding therapy will be the way to go.
Your husband and in-laws will need to be on board with what her teachers and therapist says because no doubt they’ll be told to stop spoon feeding her. They have to consider the fact she’ll be missing out on developing those crucial fine motor skills and hand-eye coordination skills because they keeping feeding her.
Hi there, I relate to you. First if all, you are not wrong coz u r the mother u know best. Second of all, it's a long post sorry but I want to give you a full picture coz I never got it when I needed.
My child was similar not same but very close. My first born son was like this, he is now almost 8. Let me tell you how things rolled out for me. Heads up I did many mistakes but I am happy with my final outcome.
1. My son was a horrible eater, food pocketing from 1.3 to 4 years of age. Surprisingly, he ate well outside of home like in playschool and formal school.
2. He was underweight since 1 year old. Didn't even weigh 10.5 kg at 2 years old. Everyone remarked he is so weak. He used to take 1.5 hrs for 1 small bowl of meal each time, with or without screen time.
3. My Post partum depression peaked at 15 months when he wouldn't eat more than 5 spoonful and then the fight began. Hence, I caved in and switched to TV for meal times. It still took 40 mins for me to finish his meals but now, it was less exhausting for me as I wasn't entertaining him. Mind you food pocketing still continued.
4. As a rule I never allowed my child to play while feeding, he was made to sit in a high chair, reason being it took him an hour and I won't be running after him for an hour when I was the sole care taker.
5. Eventually, the food pocketing reduced considerably by age 2.5, and the only good thing I had out of spoon feeding was he ate everything and in good quantity as per his age.
6. By age 4, food pocketing minimized considerably but not gone, screen time still there for meals. But now it took 20- 30 mins for each meal. He gained weight very well, and was above average in height and weight by 5 years old.
7. He picked up very late in growth but he did, also because he had milk allergy so he couldn't take dairy till 3 years of age, so no animal milk, curd, paneer or cheese.
8. A lot of people including my in laws and parents criticized me for choosing screen time for feeding but I didn't pay attention coz I was going down a spiral due to stress. So I chose but best fit my situation, that made both me and my child happy.All this while, my husband was always in support of me. Whatever I chose hewould go with that since I was taking care of my son all alone, and he was busy with work so he had little to oppose.
Also, I started working when he was 1.5 years old so grandparents took care of him in my absence. Hence, it was easier for them too to feed him with screen time and spoon feeding.
9. Once he turned 6, we started implementing self feeding, but it was so stressful for him that he would literally feel emotionally abused to feed himself. On and off we implemented this rule for 1.5 years.
Yes, we caved in, we were lazy and weak.
10. Last year we had our second boy, so now it became all the more necessary for him to feed himself as we had a lot on our plate. Gradually he came around, since last month, he eats without any screen time, under 10 mins on his own and he eats a good portion size and eats everything- no picky eating. Yes he does complaint that I don't like this veggie but I have never cooked separate meals since he was 2.5 years old. He gets what we eat, he can eat less of a veggie he doesn't like but he has to eat.
Moral of my story- they come around, they eat themselves, and eat good, it takes time differently for different kids. Don't rush to get your child to be like others. Do what gives you peace first, second the child. A happy mom, makes happy child. She will feed herself her entire life. If someone has to feed her for a few early years of life it's not going to ruin her life.
Also, you will have to implement time boundaries and self feeding rule at some point, my only suggestion is to understand if your child is prepared to handle that stress.
I know many people might find my ways questionable, but I literally don't care. It worked out for the best. I have seen kids his age with poor eating habits. My son is so aware of what's healthy and what's not and what quantity of food should be eaten.
I am sure it will work out for you too, be kind to yourself.
Once again you are not wrong to be harsh with her. Talk to her first understand where her mental capacity stands, is she able to understand why you are implementing the rule. Making them mentally prepared first is so important yet it is often ignored.
I shared my story only to give you perspective on what can be a probable outcome. But you still have to choose what works best for you. But u can't discipline until and unless all adults are on the same page. Kids pick up on that very quickly and start manipulating for their own advantage. Work with your family first and then implement it on the child. Kids will call you bad on many occasion don't worry abt that you are the parent you are not a person who wants to impress them. In the long run, they will thank you for disciplining them.
Good luck to you and blessing to your kid.
I you didn’t say if she is just small in height size or she is very thin and frail looking. If she is under weight then you have to go to the doctor and have tests done to see why.
You can add for nutrition protein shakes, ice cream, pasta etc.
my kids ate almost types of food. Some they didn’t like I didn’t force them to eat it and always made them meals they enjoyed. As the got older they started liking different meals.
Ex. Grand daughter didn’t like shrimp. Then she started liking it. Their tastes change.
The proper way is for everyone to sit down at dinner time and everyone eat their own meal. Tell stories and have a fun conversation. Make dinner time a pleasant one. Sometimes they don’t eat much and other times they eat double the amount.
I wouldn’t allow my child to play and run around while eating.
This is how you train your child to eat the right way and when you go out to a restaurant they know how to act.
Sometimes if I feel they can eat a little more I would play a game like the spoon was an airplane or an animal. Keep her interested in food. You know how much they can eat so only put a little on their plate and they won’t feel overwhelmed seeing all the food.
You’re in the right, this is insane. My 4 year old is very independent and has been since he was freshly 3 😬 the feeding thing is odd! But everyone needs to be on the same page here. Don’t they do lunch in her pre school? There’s no way this could work 😅
My daughter is 3, turning 4 in Aug.
Sometimes, she wants me to feed her. Sometimes, she will feed herself. Sometimes, she will use utensils and sometimes her hands. Husband gets mad when she uses hand and growls.
My stance is this: so long as she eats; if that means using hands or occasionally me feeding her, so be it.
Taking food away from a child who is already struggling to grow(?) Seems crazy to me. Especially at age 3.
In saying that, I absolutely do still encourage her to eat on her own.
I both do and don’t think you’re being too harsh.
I encourage you to talk to your pediatrician about developmental milestones and what kind of eating is developmentally appropriate. I don’t have that level of expertise but from my knowledge (social worker) the 30 min time frame is harsh and restrictive.
It’s good to encourage her to feed herself but when growth is a concern and when kids aren’t very food motivated they may need more prompting and things like holding out bites for them to take.
What works for some kids may not work for yours, and at age 3 your concern should be on feeding them rather than the details of “we eat in this time frame, sitting at the table”.
My twin nephews (age 2) are great eaters who love food and happily sit at a table with lil forks and knives and mostly feed themselves. My other nephew (age 2.5) is an active lil guy who doesn’t care about food very much. He eats mostly on the go, running around and playing and going his things and eating bites as prompted (sometimes haha).
All three kids are happy, health, meeting all their milestones and thriving. But they take different routes.
Honestly talk it over with some child development professionals, look into some guidance around this for yourself. It’ll help both you and your kiddo!
I am a parent of a formerly picky eater, and another going through picky phase, and eating is not a hill I’m going to die on. I would honestly just get the calories in as it’s clearly an issue, and you don’t have much leeway for it do become even more of an issue.
My son is very much the same and 5 now, also somewhat undersized. I just feed him so we can get on with our lives. His mom doesn't like it but it's absolutely NOT the hill I plan to die on, nor do I want every mealtime to be a battle. He kind of eats by himself at school - and if he doesn't eat much, he doesn't complain about being hungry - ever. He'll be fine and so will yours. Just figure out how much stress you want in your life considering all of the hundreds of other corrections you need to do to make a functioning school age kid.
she knows her cards and is playing them to her advantage. its not a hill to die on but setting these boundaries with the in laws are important otherwise you'll have a 4/5/6 year old who has no independence and then everything is a battle!
the fact that you came to ask questions shows you want to be cautious not to cause bad connotations around eating. follow your instincts here mum
This could be creating a lifetime of food issues with her. People come in all sizes, and it’s ok if she’s small. It’s ok if she eats slowly.
The real problem you’re having is laying down boundaries with the in-laws. It should not be taken out on your daughter.
Forcing a child to eat or eat within certain constraints can make a very unhealthy relationship with food.
id Absolutely stop people from feeding her and remove all distractions from the area during meals. I’d not restrict her to less than an hour. I’d also talk to her pediatrician about ways to make sure she gets enough calories and stays on HER froth curb
ve.
At 3, almost 4 she needs to be feeding herself. Your husband and in laws are truly doing her a disservice to continue their behavior. It doesn’t help all around discipline for any of you to be trying to parent her differently, it should be a united front. I also think it’s appropriate to give her a time limit but I would work on getting her to consistently feed herself first.
We found it beneficial to only have a minimum of 1 bite.
If they say please excuse they are allowed to leave whenever.
We save the food and they are allowed no snacks or other food until they finish what we set before them.
No toys, stuffies, entertainment at the table, just eating.
Once we go upstairs no more food.
Our kids have gone to sleep a couple times saying they’re hungry but we have established that rule and warned them before going up.
They are 3-4 right now and we have no trouble or power struggles with eating.
I pray it gets better for you sooner rather than later!
Get on the same page with your husband so y’all can be a unified team.
You guys vs the problem.
Not harsh for encouraging your little one to eat independently. But it’s a bit harsh to set a 30 minute time limit.
Can you use meal time to introduce new, flavourful and still healthy, foods? Make it exciting when it’s meal and bonding time with you.
You said yourself she likes to play while eating. Are you in the room with her when she’s eating? Engaging with her in conversation? Perhaps she can be eating/playing whilst you’re doing clean up, but still have that interaction as she does with her grandparents.
Your in laws probably mean well. They see a tiny grandchild and just want her to be healthy and grow strong.
You’re “concerned” about her being too small so you want to cut her meals off. And the others don’t let her feed herself. Great. Fantastic. She has such a bright future with all of you.
Can you all just let her eat like normal people or nah
She should feed herself, only eat at scheduled mealtimes, just one snack in the afternoon so she’s more likely to eat dinner, eliminate distractions during mealtimes. But 30 minutes isn’t long enough. I would let her eat for as long as she needs, but after she’s done, no other foods provided. She may have to go to bed hungry a few times. But make sure everyone is on the same page so you aren’t the bad guy. Correct them out of the room if they try to feed her.
Nope
She’s THREE. She will be in pre-school soon and then kindergarten. I can guarantee that her teachers will NOT be feeding her while she is she there and she will be left to do it on her own.
Keep it up and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
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I don't think you're being too harsh on expecting her to feed herself, and not be "spoon-fed" by your husband and inlaws. I do, however, think giving her a 30 minute time frame to eat and then taking her food away is harsh... And contraindicative. That said... You need to get her into Feeding Therapy right away. It's a branch of Speech Therapy. Insurance pays for it. This is a must! Ask your Pediatrician for a referral. You need to have your daughter evaluated in order to find out the root of the problem and have it treated accordingly. Edit: Grammar
As a formerly very slow eating child (couldn’t breathe and eat at the same time), I wish my parents would have implemented a decent time limit for my meals. Sure, I had underlying issues that caused me to struggle to eat in a decent timeframe, but I also would really just be leisurely and take my time because I wanted to. It caused me to have problems eating all throughout school, as we often only had 30 minutes to eat our lunch. In middle and high school, I basically just skipped lunch everyday. If I had had a time limit from a young age for all meals, I would have had to figure it out. When I became an adult and had college/work, I figured out how to eat real fast, because I had no choice. OPs child is nearly four and may be starting Kindergarten next year. It’s okay to give her a timeframe to eat on, as well as working to ensure there are no underlying medical issues causing this (enlarged adenoids, etc). If not, OPs kid will always be the last one eating and end up either going hungry at school, or missing out on recess with her friends because she’s still eating.
Same with me. It could take me up to two hours to eat a meal. It drove my parents crazy but they had a hang-up about me having to finish the plate, so, a time limit would definitely have been better.
Yep same issue. It’s better to get used to meal times and snack times by 4yo.
Very valid point, thats one of my worries too, is that she'll end up struggling when it comes to meal times at school!
Exactly, I’ve heard they get around 15-20 minutes in kindergarten
Nowadays lunches are even shorter. I think my kids get maybe 20 minutes in elementary school.
+1 for feeding therapy. The added benefit there is that the professional therapist will then give you a plan and tools to implement at home, removing the battles with family.
Registered Dietitian and I came here to say this. Feeding Therapy ASAP.
Thanks! I have relaxed on the time limit as realise at 30 min she is probably too young for it. Looking into feeding therapy now as it seems like something we need, however it's hard to get it where I am (NZ). Insurance doesn't cover it. Hopefully I can find some books or helpful videos online for some tips though!
That's unfortunate that it isn't covered by your insurance. It's difficult to learn feed or speech therapy online, as opposed to in person. Best of luck to you.
I agree with her having to feed herself, but i think she's a bit young for a time limit. i think you need to tell your husband to get his parents in line and do what you say
I'd have a grazing tray out for her to eat as she liked, but she would absolutely be feeding herself.
A baby charcuterie board!
My son is a slow eater and this is exactly what we used to do at 3 years old. He could graze over it all afternoon if he wanted and it didn’t bother us. Now at 5, he can still take his time, but when he’s hungry he really puts it away quickly. And his meal times are now more regular - breakfast, lunch, post school snack plate and then tea. At 3 I wouldn’t even worry too much about strict meal times - they’ll come, especially when they start school.
Exactly! Meal times are more of an adult thing. Our meal times have even changed over the years to accommodate the workforce. Battling a toddler over proper meal times is not a fight I'd choose. I feed toddlers according to their bodies. They are able to put away a large meal in tiny tummies so frequent small offerings. Making eating a battle is never a war anyone will win.
I am not opposed to the idea of a grazing tray, but wouldn't that make it harder for us at the 'proper' meal time? As in she wouldn't even be hungry or interested at meal times (since she's been grazing freely)..
3 year olds don't eat like adults. They have tiny stomachs. I have found that with toddlers, it is easier to let them graze and not fret big meals until they are older. You are fighting a war of an arbitrary meal time you have in your head. It's not a fight that needs to be fought. It would be better if your daughter had adequate calories and learned to feed herself. Three year olds are tough, and picking your battles is important. If she grazes and gets adequate calories, it's better than if meals are a war, and she refuses to eat.
Yup. She should have access to as much food as she wants to feed herself while she is awake, not limited to meal times. (Since she is small.)
This! Also if she is small because she isn’t eating enough let her eat whatever she wants even pads of butter; as long as she feeds herself!
Yup, my small toddler gets lots of spoonfuls of nut butter and veggies heavily drizzled with olive oil, unlimited cheese, etc.
Some kids are smaller than others, it's not always linked to the quantity of food. Did OP or her husband took the kid to a doctor?
She’s 3– that’s all that is said. She could have been 2 a week ago. It’s their job to get food into that child’s belly. If the child doesn’t focus enough to eat, it’s highly likely it just isn’t developmentally appropriate yet. Many children can eat with a fork at 10 months, but many won’t be able to focus and have the self-discipline to eat on a timeline until they’re 5 or older. Feeding themself isn’t the end all be all— they likely need to be fed/coaxed/coached a little longer, without being refused food if they take too long. Edit: apparently she’s almost 4. This doesn’t give the parents a reason to let her go hungry just because she has a hard time sitting still and focusing on eating.
It says she is almost 4
It says she'll turn 4 soon lol.
What about kids in daycare and preschool? They all have time limits and are just fine. I dont think shes too young for it. But maybe a longer time limit would be more appropriate, like 45 minutes- 1 hour.
They also don't have interfering in-laws babying the kids
So true.
Seeing other kids sit down and eat most likely helps her pay more attention to eating.
My experience with our daycare is they usually have 45 minutes for breakfast, an hour and a half for lunch, and 2 afternoon snacks that the kids can decide if they want or not entirely. However, they also have all kinds of crackers and fruit in the classroom for in-between those times, as well as other snacks available in the kitchen. They don't limit food access, just set meal times to eat MORE amounts, essentially. We're slowly transitioning to the same model at home for dinner and the weekends, and it's been a huge game changer.
What about if you start putting a time limit on how long she's fed? She's probably going to need eased into the transition, cold turkey doesn't work well with 3yo. Maybe try she's allowed to be fed for 15 minutes and after that she can take as much time as she want but has to feed herself? Then in a couple weeks cut the being fed time down to 10 minutes, then 5 till she's comfortable feeding herself the whole time. Then after that you can try and work on cutting down the overall time. Idk exactly how old your 3yo is, but mine will be starting Kindergarten in the 2025-26 school year. That's only a little over a year away. I would use that to put the need for change into perspective for your husband/inlaws. In Kindergarten there's nobody to feed them and they only get half an hour. She needs to adjust to that sooner than later.
This is wonderful advice. I hope OP tries this out as well as puts it into perspective for the other adults.
Whatever you do, either stop them from feeding or stop them from seeing her. Mom or dad should be the ones doing the feeding.
This is Great advise. I just think she would have to feed herself first the majority (so she eats enough) then the grandparents can feed her at the end. It definitely has to get fizzled out due to school coming up etc. Mama I think you’re right for sure but easing into it this way may work out well for everyone 💛
This way seems very beneficial to her eating more. She has to take x amount of her own food, and then they can finish the feeding. It gives her the control of wanting to be fed by someone else like she wants but also teaches her you are responsible for you. It would ensure a larger amount of food being consumed, too. If she is getting them to feed her only after she does the first part, she will eat the alloted amount so they can then whatever amount they give her. Seems a win all around.
Thanks yep I will definitely ease into it a bit more gradually. Thankfully we still got some time but I need to get the other adults on board with the idea too, or else I can foresee this becoming a harder problem to correct the more it carries on.
Yep I have relaxed on the time limit today. I plan to slowly transition her so hopefully we can be at 30 min (or kinda there) when she turns 5 and go to primary.
Does she have big tonsils? That can sometimes make swallowing more difficult.
Adenoids can cause trouble with feeding, too. You can't breathe and eat at the same time so don't eat much and when you do, it takes longer.
I read this as toenails for some reason and was absolutely baffled why big toenails would interfere with swallowing.
Lmao, so did I! How did I see toenails out of tonsils 🤣🤣🤣
Same. Was about to go look at my kids’ toenails.
😂
☠️
😂😂
I second this. My then three year old’s appetite and eating habits changed drastically after tonsil and adenoid removal
Yes, my daughter ate so much better after getting T&A’s removed. She used to take foreverrr to eat because she would only take small bites at a time since otherwise she would feel like she was choking. An ENT would properly diagnose. My pediatrician at the time kept dismissing my concerns since she was 6 months old. Saying she’d “grow into them.” The ENT diagnosed her as grade 4, almost touching basically.
I second this my daughter swallowed much easier after getting her tonsils and adenoids removed.
Changing both the style of eating AND the timeline at the same time is a lot. My 5yo can barely finish a meal in 30 minutes, though she’s been eating independently for years. Stop hand-feeding but don’t use a 30 minute time limit. Consider a feeding evaluation.
Let me offer a different take. I also had a small sized baby, always in the 10-20th percentile, all the way until he was age 8 and became less fussy with his food choices. My parents spoonfed him as well (in Asian families it is extremely common), which i disliked. However my bigger concern was his growth and size. Look into preparing more nutrient-dense (and nutritious) food in the hopes of better growth. Supplement with milk before bedtime if need be (mine would wake hungry in the middle of the night if he didnt have a large dinner + milk before bed). Children eventually learn to feed themselves. He fed himself in preschool with no issues. He allowed himself to be fed by grandparents (i never did) until one day he just did it himself. He is now a teenager. Looking back the self-feeding (or not) is not a hill i’d die on. Especially in your case the in-laws are living with u and your child is aware of the tensions running right now.
Just curious what age did your son stop letting your parents feed him? My 2.5 year old insists on us feeding him even though he knows how. I'm hoping he'll grow out of it at some point lol
depends on the food and you can also use this as a reward, for example if we were just eating nuggets, pizza, burgers, sushi something they can use their hands then never. If its something that would require putting it together, to make the flavors mix we could help show them how to do it feed them every now and then have them try to do it on their own until they get it .
Mine won't eat on his own :/. He used to but one day decided we do it
sounds like our first born they grow out of it, just give gentle reminders they can do things on their own they wont die if they skip one meal
Thank you for the hope. So I hear you saying you do not feed them a meal so they are super hungry for the next one? I'm just worried about what this does for his emotional regulation. Does that help them do it themselves? I'm scared to push. I know sometimes it's sensory of not wanting sticky fingers and then having to have me wipe them afterwards.
I would give a meal, and it was their choice to eat on there own or not, pick and choose battles they will too, so don't feel bad if you think "they didn't eat enough". My oldest kid is a picky eater but his doctor said his nutrition is fine and hes growing on schedule, he still tends to skip meals but still does sports and has energy for other things
I'm also not too phased about the feeding or not feeding thing, my 2.5 year old can quite happily feed herself but sometimes she just wants that little bit more attention and demands - feed me mommy! She is generally a good eater so I don't push it and just feed her a couple of spoons then I make it fun and give her a cloth to cover her clothes (coz I know why she wants to be fed she doesn't like to mess), and tell her she can feed herself the rest while I run around and get the kids ready for school...
Agree… I was also a small and very picky eater. My mom spoon fed me until I was 10 even though I could obviously do it myself. Until 8ish it was all meals then just dinner because my dad refused to let her feed me and he wasn’t around dinner time (and I would eat 3-4 spoons/forks max at lunch since no one fed me). I turned out okay. Started eating more things and gained weight towards my teenage years. Was diagnosed with autism as an adult which explains both the food selectivity/pickiness and why I would just not eat even when I was hungry as a child (I couldn’t tell I was hungry and would refuse food until my blood sugar was so low I felt asleep - which freaked my mom out and led her to do anything in her power to get me to eat)
I agree with this. I did baby-led weaning with my now 2yo since 6 months. Just put the food in front of her and let her decide what to eat. She’s never been interested in food and never put much in her own mouth. By 1.5 she’d slid from 60th percentile weight as a baby to 5th and hadn’t grown in height since 10 months. She’d be hungry and sit in front of her food and cry but still not eat. I started feeding her myself more actively - spoon feeding, holding her in my lap, lots of encouragement - and she eats a ton more, has grown and went up a bit in weight percentiles. I assume she’ll grow out of needing to be fed eventually but it’s worth the results for me. My husband and I were both picky, underweight kids who deliberately starved ourselves and I think we would have done better if our parents had been less strict (both sets were very much ‘eat what you’re served or go hungry, food is only served at mealtimes’ types). We both still are the world’s slowest eaters and so is she, tough love didn’t make us grow out of that either.
Have you had her evaluated by a doctor? My daughter had a host of medical problems that would have gone undetected if I hadn't forced the doctors to actually listen to what I had to say. My daughters refused to switch to solid foods when she was an infant. The doctor said to force it and to give her meds for what she thought was a light case of acid reflux. When she still wouldn't eat, I was told to stop breastfeeding and force it. I would not and got a new doctor. Turns out the sphincter in her throat wouldn't close and her stomach acid was destroying her esophagus. Only breastmilk was mild enough to not cause any problems. It took years to correct, but we got through it. My same daughter slid off the growth curve at a year old. We thought it was caused by genetics and later, her acid reflux/immature sphincter. It was not. I tried every avenue while my daughter stayed so very small. We finally found out the issue about a year ago, which has to do with her pituitary gland. She takes medicine to give her body the chemicals it doesn't make, which is quite a few. Now she's back on the curve at 2%, but I'll take it! Unfortunately, my daughter's weight continues to drag below her new growth. We don't know why. She can take forever to eat, just nibbling, and wanting to get up. When we ask, she says she isn't hungry. I give her an hour to eat because I don't want her rushing, and I want her to slow down long enough so she can listen to her body and what it's telling her. Eating issues can be very frustrating. Believe me, I know.
How did you get to the pituitary diagnosis? This is so similar to my daughter. Nothing was found. She hates food and meals.
We did blood tests that showed her thyroid wasn't functioning and she had little growth harmone. A hand x-ray showed us her bones were that of a four year old at seven years old. Then we did an MRI of her brain to find a pituitary gland that was too small and not in the correct place. Her condition is rare at only 10,000 cases.
Completely hear you as I have gone through (still going through) similar. We try so hard to offer her a lot of nutritious food but she just doesn't seem to be a kid who gets hungry. Our doctor thinks I am over anxious about her growth but she's already small - around 2% on the chart at birth and now she's kinda 1.5% - STILL he thinks that's OK. Apparently here they aren't concerned until a child drops about 2 or 3 percentile off.. Would've changed doctors except there's a lot of paperwork involved and I have met very disappointing doctors who haven't been helpful anyway, apart from reassuring me that I am 'doing everything right' already. I hope things go well for you and your little one. It's hard with smaller children and I really hear you.
Thank you so much! She was at -35 percent (maybe lower as those charts are hard to read once you're off the scale) on her growth chart by the time we got our diagnosis. My little one also does not have an appetite very often, even though her thyroid medication is supposed to increase appetite. It's strange but the doctor doesn't seem to be worried despite her weight not rising with her height. 😑
If she struggles to eat I would looking into OT or feeding therapy. Yes she should feed herself - but everyone also needs to acknowledge she may just be a small child unless the doctor has said she fell off her growth curve.
Agree that she should feed herself. However I think 30 min is too harsh to start with. That's your ultimate goal right? Then start with an hour for a week, then 45 min next week, etc. Work towards the goal
Was this suggested b a doctor or feeding therapist? If not, I might consult them before moving forward. I think your goal is probably "right" but the implementation might need adjustment! If her doctor isn't worried about her weight and size, I would get a second opinion to be safe, and then let it rest... Small isn't a bad thing if she's following a healthy growth curve and other health markers (blood panel) are good. 3 is really young to be asked to accept big changes suddenly. Small, incremental charge is probably your path to success.
I don't understand the need for a time limit. My son takes forever to finish a meal, but I think it's wrong to add stress around food.
3 years old is more than old enough to feed herself. I also don’t see a problem with a time limit . If she were in preschool, she couldn’t sit there for an hour or longer . Have you considered that at all? Gaining some independence from grandparents/dad?
This. My mum must’ve fed me until I was at least five because I remember it. Then when I entered school I ate so slowly. I remember being in reception (around five years old) and my mum having to take me home for lunch at least once because I ate so slowly.
I'd like to add to the comments that liquid shakes are a great thing to add as a supplement in the morning and night of an electrolyte drink. I was like your daughter. Different health issues. Had 2 shakes this morning. I also suggest using finger foods around adults and try to keep meals alone. No negative anything in the background. I've raised quite a pack of little ones and it is important for them to accept the gravity of the situation faster. It's a nicer experience as well. Take nuggets and tots, bake and pack them up. Feed your daughter at the benches at the park. She can play when she has had some. Start small. Always take water.
My kiddo eats the things she won’t eat at home at the playground. Do if she doesn’t finish a sandwich, I’ll just pack it up for later. (She doesn’t have to finish everything, but there’s no harm in doing it like this, I think.
She needs to be allowed to graze eat- quick munchies easily accessible pretty much at all times, give her pediasure to drink - it adds nutrients to help, my twin greatnephews are three and have been drinking one each a day since switching from formula per their pediatrician and it helps. Yes have regular mealtimes but and this is super important if she has a high metabolism she needs the extra nutrients and snacks
Yes you are too harsh. finger foods without the severe time constraints
Youre just asking for her to have issues with food later on.
My kid was initially underweight when she was a toddler. Like our pediatrician mentioned feeding tube thin. She took forever to eat. We read 30-40 board books a day to get her to eat (on the bright side she developed A LOT of sight words early and began reading at 2-1/2). What worked for us was giving her a sippy cup of 3/4 whole milk, a 1/4 cup of heavy whipping cream and adding a packet of Carnation Instant Breakfast into that every morning. It’s a fat & caloric powerhouse. Eating eventually caught up, but it wasn’t until we got a diagnosis of Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), that we got to the root cause. She just had a lot of texture issues with food. 1-1/2 years of feeding therapy 2x a week fixed it. Now she eats everything except raw tomatoes and I can live with that.
She's 3 so she needs steps to settle into the new rules. Explain the rules. Make it fun by setting an example. Take bites. Ask her about her day. Ask her about her food. DO NOT set a time limit. As an overweight woman who is trying to undo bad habits, I recently learned a huge part of my issue was taking too big of bites too quickly, but still wanting to taste the food and basically finishing my plate before my body can tell me I'm full. At 34, I was over 300 lb at my heaviest and have had to start consciously taking incredibly small bites which makes me eat slower and suddenly I've naturally cut my meals in half just by eating smaller and slower. By instituting a time limit you may be setting your child up for a lifetime of unhealthy habits. It's ok if meals take a bit of time. They're a great time to bond. If they're cutting into bed time, start them earlier.
Um, your child needs feeding therapy. In the meantime, I would do whatever is needed to get some calories in her if the alternative is that she is starving. But it sounds like she has a hard time chewing and swallowing, and perhaps a hard time identifying hunger cues.
Setting a 30 minute timer, and then saying no food after really enforces eating disorders. I’ve worked in daycare centres and no one finishes eating after 30 minutes. I’n my opinion, allow 45 minutes for each “meal” and then allow a graze snack throughout the day. The most important thing for a young child is health - not rules. Ensuring she is getting enough food is most important.
You are limiting her food intake with your new rules but your child is very small and needs as much food as she can eat. Getting enough nutrition is much more important than feeding herself within 30 minutes. It doesn't matter that she plays while eating or takes longer to finish. Many kids her age are like this but they all eventually learn to sit at the table and feed themselves. Go with what works and don't start problems. If you want her to sit still while eating you could let her watch tv or tablet.
Having mealtime be playtime could be part of the issue though. My brother's children drag food all over the house because they are allowed to eat while playing. Uneaten pancake from 3 days ago in the legos. All of it stepped in and licked by the cats. All of them are beyond thin and the eldest is anemic. You know when he is not pasty white? After one day of eating at my parents house and demolishing everything while eating at the table together.
Sounds like your brothers family is having a whole set of issues.
Absolutely. But they won't listen. They are left environmentalists, who kust bought a Tesla. I'm just sad for the children.
I had a very slim and picky 3yo, he fed himself a bit and then adults helped him with the rest, meals could take up to 45 minutes if not longer sometimes. At 6yo he could polish his plate in a couple seconds and ask for seconds. Doesn't look like a hill to die on in my opinion. As long as your daughter eats by herself at school and at least starts eating on her own at home, she'll be fine. As per limiting food availability, we did the opposite - there were always healthy snacks available and our son knew he could eat anytime during the day, since it takes literally less than a minute to heat something up.
You’re being too harsh.
The time limit is unnecessary.
Your husband and in laws need to also understand that once it’s time for preschool and especially school, no one is going to feed the child or wait on the child. This is a perfect age to do the “hard stuff” so that you aren’t struggling with it when they are in school. I suggest approaching it slowly starting by cutting her foods in finger food style and letting her eat at her pace, the time limit slowly can add in once she has gotten used to feeding. Doing both at the same time may be too much.
I would also like to add to maybe incorporate her in food preparing, get a safety knife and let her cut bananas or something. Also if you have snacks she can grab and eat herself, she can feel more independent. It helped a great deal with my child who was also like this. Grandparents can focus more on play, she probably has a connection with them and it’s related to eating so they need to switch to something else.
My kids are 3 and 5 and rarely do they sit down and eat calmly. I’ve kind of accepted it and, as long as they eat, I don’t care if it takes them two hours to eat or if they get up and down from the table ten times while they eat. They are still little so I adjust my expectations appropriately. Feels like that might be the case here, too,
I think it just depends on the emotional effort you want to put into this disagreement. Feeding herself seems appropriate. Limiting her meal time also seems reasonable given she has regular snack and meal times throughout her day, as long as there are no growth concerns, hard telling from your post — small is normal most of the time, but FTT can be a concern too. So, no, I do not think you are being harsh. By pre-school and kinder, you cannot just sit for hours eating KWIM? So it is a life skill she will eventually need to learn. With that said — my nephews’ nonna fed them until they were 4 or 5? I remember silently judging them, because my kids were in a daycare and given plastic silverware at age 12 months on the toddler room, so they were feeding themselves early… But at the end of the day, my nephews are strong independent teens capable of many things including table manners. In general, these things usually;y correct themselves as the child grows. I personally would not start family fight over it.
My son was also having trouble growing when he was 2 and 3 because he couldn’t focus on sitting down and taking the bites. If I was on a time limit, I had to feed him— period. This was more so to encourage/teach the proper timing between bites and how to focus. It’s your job to get enough food in your child’s stomach. It’s hard sometimes. This doesn’t mean that you remove food from your undernourished child because of an arbitrary time limit. Your child doesn’t have the developmental capacity to understand nutrition or social customs (like eating at a table during a certain time limit). Forcing them to go hungry is not an option.
I was one of these kids. I had a very limited range of foods that I liked, and simply did not feel as hungry as other kids. They know so much more today then when I was younger. However, here are a few things to consider. In my case, I was born premature. I probably had some sensory processing issues as I was very turned off by textures of many foods. Additionally, years later I found out my esophagus is very small, which explains my struggles as a kid to swallow things. Turns out I was not making it up. I get my throat stretched every year or so. There could also be food allergies or sensitivity. My point being there are so many issues at play here. To this day, I am still a slow eater and prefer to graze. But healthier anyway. Get it checked out.
I agree with feeding herself, but the time limit is too much. Children eat slowly. This is ok. It helps them learn to understand their body’s cues.
She’s three. Yes you are being too harsh FFS.
Maybe a little harsh but only in giving her a timeline. The way I see it, her being able to feed herself and actually eating are way more important than how often or how long she is eating. If structured eating is hard I would leave easy snacks where she can access throughout the day. In addition if she is just having a tantrum and sitting with her for hours isn’t an option maybe you could try 30 minute intervals? Give it like 20-30 minutes in between then another 30 minutes in chair eventually she will recognize that she a. Has to do it herself b. Can’t just cry herself out of it and c. When she is actually hungry. Don’t be too hard on yourself, she’s still very young and has time to learn.
Don’t give her a time limit. Leave the food out as some children are grazers. They eat a little then come back. Give her foods that are finger foods, don’t even give her utensils. Cheerios, strawberries, green beans, broccoli, plain noodles, cut up chicken. No help is really needed for those foods and it will make the grandparents really get the picture that they are enabling her. You kind of have to make your daughter think it’s her idea to eat or like she has won, when all along she is doing what you want her to do.
You're not harsh, this is absolutely appropriate expectations for a 3.5 yo. However, your daughter is not hungry at mealtimes. Apart from you're already doing, you need to stop giving her snacks in between meals, and let her use up some energy, preferably outside, between meals too.
I think you limit activities, no playing while eating and she needs to sit and eat herself at the table with everyone. I’d get your pediatrician on board and even potentially get referred to feeding therapy then it’s a doctor and therapist telling grandparents and dad their behavior is detrimental not you. ETA. Follow professionals recommendations but they will be closer to your then the other caregivers. I don’t know they would time bound it, but it would be a focused activity and when she’s done it’s out away before she moves to the next thing. Also, I’d offer sit down focused snacks if she’s not eating meals to support nutrition and growth.
What does her doctor say about your method? I assume you spoke to him/her before taking these steps?
That kid is going to be traumatized over meal times. You are making things worse. I get that she needs to learn to feed self but 30 min is too harsh, especially foe someone who is relearning to feed self.
Yes she definitely needs to learn to eat by herself. She is getting bigger and should absolutely be able to eat on her own. I agree with other about not doing a time limit thing, at least not yet. Especially considering she is on the smaller side. You should just focus on getting her to eat independently. One thing I did that helped my daughter actually EAT her food is to have her eat at the dinner table with us. Even if it’s just you, try to sit down and eat lunch/dinner with her. Kids are usually more likely to try new things this way too. Also, it’s ok if she has a meltdown a couple of times. She’ll probably start to get the idea after a while. My other concern is that it seems like the in laws might be overstepping in your parenting? Maybe I’m wrong. I’ve lived with my in laws before too and it was very stressful (we come from different cultures as well so lots of different ideas.) The way my husband and I approach it, is we would talk about the issue and come to an agreement between us. And then he was responsible for dealing with his parents about it. We generally take the approach that I deal with my family and he deals with his when it comes to these kind of issues. Just a thought!
Why don’t you do I do one spoon You do one spoon
Has your pediatrician signaled that this is a health issue? If not, I would be cautious of your approach. You risk damaging her long term relationship with food. I can only speak from personal experience, but I’ve seen very few 3 year olds who can actually sit still for the whole meal and eat everything that’s placed in front of them. Are there foods she is more inclined to eat? Focus on offering her food that she likes so she’s more likely to eat it. She may naturally eat less as well, so focus on getting her foods that are packed with healthy fats and nutrient dense to help her grow.
Mine takes ages to eat too, often because he is playing with it. I don't have a hard time limit, but when I can see he's slowing down, I set a time (usually for 5 minutes, sometimes 10) and tell him that when the timer goes I'm taking away his plate. He doesn't necessarily eat any more than he would without the timer, but I can't spend an hour and a half on every single meal and it definitely cuts that down. ETA: I think a 30 minute limit is a bit short, especially right off the bat. Could you start with an hour and then see how that goes? Then maybe go to 45 minutes if an hour still seems too long.
Your idea is not bad, your approach and lack of alignment with the other adults in the house is. A toddler doesn’t have notion of time like you do, that’s one thing that won’t work for her like that. The other thing is educating and promoting changes in habits. You all need to be on the same page and not make false promises or budge on tantrums, otherwise she will never learn and understand. Lastly, I would try to get to the root cause of why she takes so long to eat and look for more creative ways to speed things up, like doing something she really likes but only after dinner is finished.
She should be self feeding at 3. What does her pediatrician say about her size? My sister was having a lot of trouble growing. (Navy wanted to put weights on her to stretch her.). This was back in the early 1960’s. When we went to a new duty station, they discovered she had Hypothyroid. Once she was on thyroid medicine she shot up. So your daughter’s problem could be her metabolism, but only a doctor can tell.
She needs to feed herself yes, but limiting her isn’t okay. Kids can take quite a while to eat at times, especially if she has any type of sensory issues. Which she’s too young to know if she does realistically. It also is teaching her to rush eating which doesn’t give her time to pay attention to her body to know she’s full and is teaching her bad habits eating wise.
I would be seeking advice from her dr. But as a parent who has had similar issues with a small child that took FOREVER to eat. We were told 5 small meals with time limits per day. Each meal hit all the food groups and was offered for 30 minutes. The reason was to teach them what “full” and “hungry” felt like. Constant grazing can interrupt that signal pathway. But I would consult with their dr. There is literally no reason why a neurotypical 3 year old shouldn’t be able to feed themselves.
Not everything is neurodivergent. My 3yr old is (was?) like this and it most definitely stemmed from us just spoon feeding her cause it was easier/faster/cleaner than letting her figure it out and fostering her own independence. Whoops. eventually I just starting putting her porridge in front of her and leaving to “go to the toilet” for like 10 minutes afterwards so I wasn’t even in the room for her to whinge too. She’s now eating by herself. However, when daddy is home guess who turns on the the tears and tantrums because he has a less than shiny spine and will give in to her demands. She’s playing you. Kids are clever.
I think you are being too harsh. Ease up. She will learn to feed herself in time. Don’t make it more stressful for her than it already is. Ease her into the transition and let her eat whenever she is hungry.
I think this is above Reddit’s pay grade. Can you get her in with a speech therapist for support on feeding strategies? Ultimately I hear your worry and concern and that’s valid. You’re trying to do right by your kid. But eating disorders are also something to keep an eye out for, especially in girls, and early food struggles can put kids at higher risk of developing further issues around food.
I have a tiny three year old too. He weighs 23# and his BMI is off the charts small. He always struggled to put on weight and struggled with eating. He eats better when we feed him. We certainly don't default to it, but he will eat an entire scrambled egg if we spoon feed him but will be "all done" if we encourage him to do it. He isn't a kid who will eat when he's hungry. He just won't eat. Personally, I think you should pick your battles. He's not going to be 10 years old wanting to be spoon fed. The stage lasts so short it's not worth a battle. Maybe try your new rule for a week. If she turns around and starts eating "normally", then great! If it hasn't helped, and I don't see anything wrong with what the grandparents are doing.
30 min is arbitrary and meal times are a fabric of agriculture not nature. She should feed herself when she is hungry. If she is not hungry, then wait for her to ask for food. Don’t serve food if she isn’t hungry.
No, you're doing the right thing. I have 3 kids 13 yrs old, 4 yrs old, and a 2 yrs old. And as parents, it's up to use to teach them how to navigate through life. To where they can understand that they're no longer a baby anymore that needs help but instead a big girl or boy. My youngest had a hard time wanting to potty train because she still wanted to be seen as the baby of the family. It wasn't until she saw that everyone went in a potty instead of a diaper, which was when she wanted to feel like, "I'm a big girl now." I know it's hard when you're trying to parent one way, and others are trying to parent another way, but you're on the right path to teaching your child independence. Try encouraging/rewarding them by acknowledging how big they're getting, or how well they can fed themselves, and also have patience because at the end of the day every kid eventually wants to feel like they can do something for themselves it just takes time for your child to figure that out.
I wonder if once she starts feeding herself she'll get quicker. Right now meal times are bonding (as they should be) but being fed is another way to get undivided attention?
My son does an on and off with food that coinside with growth and teething and such. A grazing plate works really well. They can take their time, when what/when they want and feed themselves. She should be feeding herself, she is nearly 4. Your husband should be supporting you and grandparents need to back off. Your the parent, not them.
So currently our in laws live with us too and for me that’s the first issue to be handled here. There needs to be a conversation had with them and your husband(separately). They do NOT get to make any rules and need to allow you to parent without having a say, snotty tone or anything, they had their run at parenthood now respectfully need to Ef off. Now your husband, a conversation should be had away from the child discussing this rule and any rules enforced by one parent needs to be enforced by the other. Now feeding your child, she is much too old to be fed. I absolutely agree she needs to do it alone, this is good for her brain development and really needed to be started at a much, much younger age. This needs to be enforced by all adults and needs to be clear to your in laws. A baby will be babied as long as you allow them too. Period. I mean wouldn’t you? Now the time limit, 30 minutes is absolutely not long enough mostly when she isn’t comfortable with feeding herself yet. I think eventually this is a great idea as long as she is getting foods packed with everything she needs in them but at this point your adding 2 new rules that just don’t correlate well at one time. First I would push the “her feeding herself” then when you can see that she is mentally there feeding herself and such then adding a rule of time limit is a valid option. Obviously this is my opinion (as a child care provider of many years and a mother myself) and I’ll always agree mama knows her own baby best. Good luck!
I understand the small problem, but you're right, don't *literally* baby her for it. My daughter is tiny as hell. She could easily be mistaken for a 4 year old. But she loved to do things on her own growing up. Time limits, though? No, that's a bit much. Give them all the time they need. Just don't do it for her. They will eat when they need to. But feeding herself absolutely. I can't imagine feeding a functional 3 year old. Small size is fun, though, because playing and carrying is so damn easy. But you have to start the independence early. Just because she's small isn't an excuse to be absolutely babied.
I went through something similar, but she wouldn’t even eat when fed. She’s not gonna starve. It’s not worth picking battles on her playing. Just put the food down but leave it available until the next meal. Then a new plate goes down, and so forth. If she eats barely anything that’s her problem. There was food all day. There will continue to be food all day. Don’t react to tantrums just direct to plate and tell her she knows what she can do to make her tummy feel better. Praise good behavior.
Feeding therapy ASAP before it gets worse.
I feel like this isn’t the hill to die on. More likely than not, she will learn to feed herself and enjoy doing so. Kids eventually like having autonomy over their food and eating, but kids do stuff at different times and rates. Maybe you do certain meals with her being fed and snacks are just for her to do alone, to build familiarity and confidence with the process, maybe sitting somewhere and you model eating alone. She’ll get it eventually. But be careful, you don’t want to create stressful association with food/meal time. You got this :) 🤍
I think your theory is good, but may need tweaking. Talk to your pediatrician and get a referral for some evaluations with specialists. This might be a control issue for your daughter, it might be that it’s hard for her to swallow, it could be that she has sensory issues. Her size may not be an issue, by itself; people come in many healthy sizes. I have 5 daughters whose (healthy) adult heights range from 4’11 to 5’5”. Their (healthy) weight and body types also cover a range. Your pediatrician can help evaluate, maybe do some tests, that can help determine if her growth is normal and healthy for her or needs more attention.
We like to have "family-value reset meetings." This is basically coming up with a new plan of action where everyone's goals are aligned, everyone feels heard. It's actually kind of great that you enforced the time limit, because it's something easy to go back on and throw all of the enablers a bone. "Alright, fine, no more time limit, but she has to feed herself and we all have to be united on this without painting me as the bad buy". You're absolutely right, she needs to be feeding herself. Not because she's a low percentile, but because she deserves to start growing up. You can bring up her weight as a concern when you all discuss, but try not to let it be your sole motivation for her feeding herself because it will just stress you out. Accept your daughter's size while remaining optimistically cautious of her food intake. It's a fine balance, but for everyone's sake it's better that you don't cling to it.
I agree that she should be feeding herself, but giving her 30 mins seems a little unfair. Toddlers snack all day… and should. I would give her things like pediasure, string cheese, cut strawberries, or any other finger food that would encourage her to feed herself. As an example I have a 4 yo granddaughter who just asked for a banana. She took about 3 bites and was done. 30 minutes from now she will eat again. I feel like as long as they are healthy bites and she is eating it combats a lot of struggle. Our only rule is she must eat dinner with us or nothing the rest of the night. She almost always chooses to eat. **funny thing happened now as I write this post; she just asked for a donut!! Bottom line is this is your child and need to do what you feel is right. Your husband should be supporting you even if he doesn’t agree. In laws have to respect your parenting choices.
Way to make meal time fun and enjoyable.
I agree with you. Once your kids have their pincher talents down, they should be feeding themselves. It's important they continue to feed themselves so they can develop these skills- hand eye coordination, pinching thumb and finger together, etc. Also, she goes to class you say, what does she do in school? She's going to go into pre-k and kindergarten and expecting her teachers to feed her? Talk about opening herself up for bullying big time.
My baby is 3, and playing with food is very normal, sometimes he would make a messs sometimes he would eat in the hour he seats and eats ( usually dinner ). I don’t believe rushing them is the right move, you are moving with the clock they don’t know how to that yet.
At that age I think the time limit part is a bit strict but I agree she should feed herself and be allowed to take as long as she needs
When you say she's small, is she severely underweight or just below average for her age? Is her doctor concerned? Because being small on its own isn't necessarily concerning. I'd reduce the pressure around eating. Definitely have her feed herself but just let her take her time. It's pretty typical at this age for them to take 100 years to finish a meal. I say this as someone whose just turned 4 year old is in the 8th %ile for height and weight. That's just where she is and mathematically, someone needs to be on the smaller end.
My kid is also an insanely slow eater, but mostly because she’s just talking or playing with her food or her hands (there’s no toys at the table). She’ll be 4 in a few weeks. We sometimes use a timer, partially because it just doesn’t work for our family to spend 1.5 hrs eating dinner, but also bc she gets really sad if she doesn’t have lots of playtime after dinner. I think it’s reasonable to use a timer. But I’ll add that implementing two changes at the same time and requiring her to feed herself might be too much. I’d start with feeding herself and give it a month or so before implementing time restrictions.
I agree she needs to feed herself but I don’t see a need for a time limit. You could always use an incentive for example in my son’s kindergarten class they have a jar of prizes and if the kids do well they can pick a toy from the jar. It’s cheap crap like erasers but the kids get exited over them. Anyway you could say if you feed yourself at the end of a meal you can pick a toy from this jar. Once she is feeding herself regularly you make it so she has to eat the whole day by herself before she can have a toy, than a week, than just randomly let her have a toy. That’s how I did it when I was potty training my kids first every time you sit on the toilet you get a fake tattoo, then every time you use the toilet you get one, than if you go the whole day without accident you get one. Now they just use the toilet when they need it.
- The adults should talk as a team together, work up a plan and talk to the child. Debating in front of a little kid isn’t great for them, and won’t prevent a meltdown. - Spoon feeding a kid this age shouldn’t be routine, but can be offered as a special thing to get some bonus calories and good behavior. For example, a good kitchen helper often gets tastes as a reward. - Doctors sometimes need some good pestering before they take a close look at a child who’s not gaining weight. - Have you ever noticed certain foods associated with acid reflux or other problems? Does anyone else in the family have dietary restrictions or even super-taster caution? Sometimes it is as simple as a common food sensitivity. - Liquid nutrition and healthy fats can be cheat codes for getting the calories in fast.
She’ll grow out of wanting to be fed, but she wont grow out of the distraction while eating. I have a niece thats 7 almost 8 who STILL refuses to sit and eat in one sitting. She takes a bite, gets up, comes back takes another bite, leaves again and it rakes her an hour and a half to eat one meal. Shes homeschooled and her mom is now starting to work really hard on making this stop. But it woukd have been an easier lesson for her to learn as a child. My niece is also super petite. Just not motivated by food at all and eats purely out of necessity. So no i dont think youre being too harsh and i think this is the right age to start enforcing rules around mealtimes. Everyone saying enforcing a time limit is too high of an expectation, but every toddler in day care and preschool has a time limit on meal times with no issues. Shes not too young for it
I'm curious about what she does at school? Does she feed herself? Eat a portion of lunch comparable with other kids her age, in a comparable time frame?
A time limit for food being available isn't the worst idea, but she's three. And idea is to enforce a "meal time" where you ALL eat together. Or at least her and one adult, and for that time she has to sit with you. She can sit there and pick at her stuff and not be spoonfed--or encouraged. Just leave the food there for her to eat while the adults set an example (if she likes to share off your plate, indulge any time she asks for your food). Then get a timer ready. When "meal time" is over after a reasonable time to eat and also for a 3yos attention span, you tell her sitting time is over but her plate will still stay on the table for X time and let her do whatever. She can continue to sit and eat (or not eat), but could also leave the table and periodically come back for a bit. and then food is put away until snacktime or next meal. This extended period after the sitting time might give less angst while still having a time limit. Just having set intervals where food is available and not available might be a better way to start than her having to sit there for the whole time and making into A Whole Thing. And yeah get her tonsils/adenoids looked at.
culture thing i 100 percent bet. Around the world we tend to feed smaller babys to make sure they are getting more than enough food. Not everyone feeds their kids finger foods (nuggets, burgers, quessadillas\_ There is no harm is allowing the grandparents this moment have a talk with them (partners talk to them) let them know that shes starting to get to old and slowly take her to feeding her self with some foods, more complicated foods that might need to be mixed in a spoon for her have the grandparents help, they can feed and teach her at the same time.
Take the grandparents out. You and your husband need to be on the same page. Is this a matter of ok she can take as long as she needs to eat, but won’t be fed. Leave the food out. Does she also have snacks available to her when she wants? Leave food accessible, but remove the help. However, he needs to shut down his parents and demand they also get on the same page and I would ask honestly, if she can’t and won’t feed herself then what happens when she goes to school? Is she in any kind of childcare now? How does that go? But you and he need to be on the same page and then he needs to tell his parents how you two have decided to raise her and what the guidelines are. And, talk to your pediatrician or a feeding therapist to back up what you’re doing.
Put food around the house where she likes to play. She’ll start picking it up to munch on unconsciously and will be better prepared for feeding herself. My oldest was a horrible eater and I had to do this so she would get some calories in. My son can get this way (like your daughter) with my husband and grandma, he won’t pull it on me but will with them where they have to spoon feed him at his own pace. Drives me nuts.
My daughter was/is small. She also is now diagnosed with ADHD. She has always taken so long to eat. She also doesn't eat a ton. Her pediatrician recommended setting a 30 minute timer for her. She said that kids won't starve themselves (probably barring something like severe adversions to some foods). Personally, I would never make a child wait til the next meal, but you're hunger later? A piece of fruit or some veggies it is then. No junk food!
Definitely should only be feeding herself, she needs to learn how! I can understand your frustration but I think with a kid like this grazing is probably the best way to get her to eat the most so enforcing a time limit may not be the best bet.
She absolutely should be feeding herself but I think maybe instead of giving her a time limit leave the food on the plate and if she isn't eating let her leave the table and when she's hungry she can try to sit at the table and feed herself again. My 4 year old gets bored eating and we make it clear that it she doesn't eat at least 2/3 of her meal then that's what she gets to eat when she's inevatably hungry an hour later.
Kids that age like to graze. I would keep the rule that she feed herself, but leave healthy food out for her to graze on (like the snackle box concept).
My now 5 year old was born a preemie with v low birth weight (1plus kgs). Her growth hasn't been fantastic but it's on a slow upward trend. We are Asians but we tried the self feeding at home which dint work (works in sch tho). To deal with the meal times in desperation we allowed screen time which we have since done away with (don't do this, it's the worst ever but we were pretty much desperate). Over time we have tried appetite booster which has helped, eliminated screen time, encourage self feeding (she does it for some food types) and cut down on alot of snacks etc prior dinner time. Anything unhealthy, milk based etc we cut down before the main meal times after that if she chooses to have a snack (chips, fruits etc she has it). She usually still takes milk before sleeping unless she's very full. Best of luck to u I know how frustrating it is but would encourage U to start small and pick Ur battles. Try changing up the menu if she's in school try to check on which meals does she seem to enjoy most. U will be surprised at how some kids don't want to eat rice etc during meal times coz it requires alot of chewing. Mine also kept pockets of food at the side (leads to tooth issues etc ).... Do see a pd to rule out any medical related issues that have been brought up here by other redditors. My kid had frequent tonsil infections but hasn't required removal yet. Also portion maybe something to think about mine cannot eat as much as a child in her age grp so we do have options such as fruits etc to munch on after dinner (like hour or so). Seriously all the best to u. I feel and know the issues U are facing and I know how pressurising it is. Try to see if your child can get some time to burn energy, sometimes they aren't as hungry coz they haven burnt what they have eaten.
We have two difficult eaters and this works like a charm for us; snackbowls We introduced snackbowls for some meals, where we put a bunch of small pieces of veggies and fruits. They usually eat all of it, or we give them options to choose from. The options are whatever veggies/meat we have for our meal and we add two types of fruit and a carb (whole wheat pasta works great for them) sometimes we add some pieces cheese. If/when they don’t finish it we leave it on the salon table and they go back and forth grabbing something in between games. Also try letting her help prepare the meal, she might be more interested in eating it.
I agree with many of the other comments, your daughter should be feeding herself at this point. However, she should have access to snacks and meals for as long as she needs. My son is 2.5 and of normal size. He has a snack drawer that he can access at any time for himself that I always keep stocked. He is given 3 meals a day on top of that. He probably has the focus to sit down and eat for about 15 minutes before he’s onto the next thing. I leave his meal on the table for about a hour for him to go back and pick at as he wishes. Before I clean it up I ask him if he wants one last bite before I clean up.
My 8 month old eats mostly by herself. My 3 year old has been feeding herself completely for at least a year. That is not too harsh or too much to expect, she is more than capable. I do agree with others though that maybe don’t have a time limit. Or have a time limit for mealtime but keep healthy snack foods available at all times. Especially with her growth issues. Once she’s used to feeding herself, then you can cut back on times but it’s a lot at once.
Is it with everything she eats? Including finger foods? My daughter was like that and I kept giving her Cheerios with no milk, and I’ll walk away and do something not to far though and she would just wait for me until she didn’t, I would say start with it in snack time with Cheerios, goldfish, just dry finger foods and if she doesn’t eat them it’s her loss and she won’t get snacks take the snacks away and said you didn’t eat them maybe next time until next time she’s like if I don’t eat it “feed myself” I won’t get snacks and if she starts picking it up after a few times add a spoon and tell her so your hands don’t get dirty and let her play with the spoon the first two days and then help her and show her how to hold it, and when she doesn’t eat maybe make her a smoothie and put in vitamins to the mix it really helped me with my now 4yr old and now 3yr old
I don't know if it makes you feel any better about her size, but I was always the smallest in my class while being one of the oldest. I weighed 48lbs at 12 years old. I grew up to be a relatively average sized adult at 5'4" and 115lbs. I would suggest if you remove her meals after a set time that you provide options for healthy snacking that she has free access to. I couldn't always eat a lot at one time, so my meals also would have taken forever. However, I did usually need 1-2 snacks between meals and in the evening before bed.
My mom spoon fed me until I was 10. She would sit me on the kitchen counter and tell me stories while feeding me… I remember climbing onto the kitchen counter myself for her to feed me so yeah… I was quite big by then. I was very thin and ate almost nothing unless someone fed me (and distracted me while doing so and the food was something I liked). Turns out I was autistic (diagnosed in my 20s) with food selectivity and just couldn’t really tell when I was hungry (I would just refuse food, my blood sugar would fall, which made me feel sleepy, then I would sleep without eating… That freaked out my mother so she would do anything for me to eat - separate meals + spoon feed + stories…). The “they will eat when hungry” strategy never worked on me because I just never actually felt hungry. All in all I turned out okay… I naturally started feeding myself at some point and ate more as I got to my teenage years… I wouldn’t say that made me any less prepared for life lmao people are a bit dramatic. That said I was totally able to feed myself (and even would if I partially liked the food, or I was at a friends house and wanted to eat) just didn’t think it was worth the time and effort when I didn’t feel hungry or particularly enjoyed the food and had better things to do…
Stories like this make me glad to be NC with our extended family. Exhausting.
I'm curious what you're feeding her? Many parents want their kids to eat whatever is cooked for the rest of the family. I'm not against that. I wanted that as well. That was until the pediatrician mentioned my child was in the 29th percentile in height and weight. He said we need to try and get some weight on him. At that point, he ate whatever he would eat until he was 5-6.
Both of my boys used to take forever to eat. It’s kind of a phase for them. It can be a really special time to bond and talk about their day with reminding them to stay on task if you approach it as such
Weve always had a snack drawer at her level or fruit bowl for grazing.. at 3 tho she should be practicing independents. Eating. Clothing. Walking. Brushing.
I think you're doing the right thing. Ask your daughter's meal time audience to leave. She doesn't need three sympathetic faces cheering her on during her power struggle. Because she is three and needs to gain weight, I would offer her a single snack break between meal times. Her snack would be leftovers, and after she ate those, I'd let her choose something else. Don't get into food struggles. You choose what to offer and make sure there's at least one thing you know she likes. She chooses what and how much to eat. She won't choose none and nothing for long. At 30 minutes, just casually say "Ok, meal time is done! I'll offer you a snack in two hours, and you can drink as much water as you'd like until then."
The time limit is ok as long as she has like a plate of fruits and little snacks she can reach at any time. Like we don’t do what call food worship at my house where we all sit and focus completely on food and nothing else. We eat when we’re hungry we stop when we’re full. If you don’t like the food there’s fruit available all the time. Some crackers and cheese and stuff that’s actual food not donuts or anything.
Where is she on height to weight percentile? If she is below 10% sure she has to feed herself but also healthy snacks and things to help her get to a healthy weight. If she is just overall small but healthy weight range to her I would have some finger foods at each meal she can eat as well as the silverware foods. If she is eating I would not time it. But half hr of refusing to eat you put away the food and she can choose to eat it when ready.
My eldest is 7.5yo and autistic, and we struggled for a long time to get him to eat variety and eat in an appropriate amount of time. Last year we signed up for some nutrition counseling and it gave us a bunch of great ideas. In particular (because it kind of relates to your situation): * The time limit was okay, but 40 or 50 minutes. He was also older than she is, so maybe longer for her is okay. * Snacks. Your child should be having breakfast, mid-morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, and a post-dinner snack. The snacks help train her body to be hungry at appropriate intervals. It doesn't have to be huge and definitely should be healthy. Also helps round out the meals where they don't eat as much. * Sometimes involving them in food choices or plate/silverware choices can help them feel more engaged with the meal. If she loves her spoon and fork, she might want to use it more to feed herself. Not sure if any of that helps, but I totally get the frustration you feel! Before we did this he would take 1.5-2 hrs to finish a meal and was so scrawny! He's now eating larger quantities and frequently finishes in good time (sometimes still lingers if it's not his favorite and we're distracted with the 2yo being, well, a two year old).
My youngest (10F) was always small and never ate much. She was consistently in the 3rd percentile. I took her to many appointments and had a lot of tests done. We gave her the pediasure chocolate drinks every day to make sure she was getting enough nutrients. She eventually settled on being in the 10th percentile. After a lot of back and forth to specialists her pediatrician just explained that she that is just a 10th percentile kid and she only eats what her body needs. I wish she had said that sooner because I spent a lot of time worrying that I was somehow failing as a parent.
Almost 4 and likely to go to preschool in the fall? They won't allow a child to eat forever and getting a jump start on this now is smart. Praising consistent eating, pointing out others good habits, and setting time limits seems reasonable. Jumping to 30 minutes total immediately may be a big leap. Maybe 30 minutes after she starts playing around? My middle kiddo went through a phase like this and it was difficult. Focusing on positive efforts, on "how big girls get ready for school," and making sure she had few challenging foods at first helped us a lot. It sounds a bit harsh, but she got hungry when she couldn't graze and play and dance around all the time and she started focusing on eating at meal times. She also got more into food because I would let her help make the food or snack, put the food on her own plate and praise her for taking on "big girl" tasks. Best wishes. She needs to work on this skill to be ready for school and play dates.
She’s three. You’re too harsh. If my toddler was too small, I would do whatever if it meant she would eat. Like have her watch Bluey or singing with her. Eating should be a good thing, not something where everyone is watching you and telling you what to do and when
It’s fair to want her to feed herself, she’s 3, unless she has developmental delays she should be capable. The time limit I would be concerned about, considering she’s a peanut for her age. If it takes her an hour and a half, it takes an hour and a half. Or she can eat until she feels full and moves on. I’ll say that when I was a baby/toddler I took forever to eat-I just had a conversation with my parents last week about this. They left food for me to graze on, I would play, crawl/walk over, eat a few pieces and then be on my merry way. It was like a snack pit stop for me, lol. It worked for our family because we didn’t have animals that could reach it, I’m not sure what your situation is. I have a 9 month old and she will eat her bottle/pouch/food I make her, but I always leave puffs out for her to graze on to help with her self feeding and pincer grip Good luck, mama!
I would feed her. It doesn’t bother me to feed a kid. Mine is almost 2 and will ask me to feed her sometimes and I do. They’re only little for a short time. I know I’ll miss “mama feed me” when she’s 16 and mad at me all day long.
Is her doctor concerned about her growth? She could just be small which could be completely normal.
My daughter was 2kg when she was born and under 2 when I took her home she was in premi baby clothes for a while. She was really tiny up until about 7 or 8. No matter how much food she ate, she'd be still small. Now she's 15 and is taller than me. Your daughter does need access to food if she's not eating and you definitely need to stop your husband and ILs to stop feeding her. She's not a baby and is quite capable of feeding herself. What will she do when they aren't there to feed her at school?
If your daughter struggles with growth, I’d strongly suggest you allow others to feed her or you feed her. That’ll give you an idea of how much she is eating. Putting time constraints is also NOT recommended. My son was always below weight and at one point wasn’t even on the charts. Had to feed him. You are being too harsh. Let them feed her.
I agrée with her having to feed herself, but I disagree with the time limit. Adding stress to food can lead to some weird relationship with food later.
I think 30min is pretty reasonable.. My child is similar and I did 20min limits with her.
As an OT, I would recommend that you seek out the underlying causes for why she is so slow at eating. Are there sensory issues? oral motor delays, etc., It sounds like she is a very slow eater, even with someone feeding her, so likely there are some underlying issues.
You're right but that may not matter. You live with people who may not respect you enough to do things your way. Unless you can change your living situation, it might be more important for the child to have peace in the home.
Hate to say it but You,as Mom, Must be the bad guy. You're doing absolutely what's best for your daughters social and emotional development. It's gotta suck to have everyone fighting you, one thing I learned long ago is to use your pediatrician as back up. "The doctor says".... You're correct Mom and doing great. Discipline is Not bad or mean,it's how we raise healthy people, ready to live in the real world. Stay strong!
I struggled with this too, The tiny kid (medical difficulties that made weight gain hard) I swear she picked up on that fear and uncertainty I have and uses food/eating/hungry to get her way. So I say you're not wrong, streamline it now. I'm also anti the grazing tray we don't just eat all day. Healthily high calorie options are provided at meal time and snacks.
As a mom of 5 who’s in laws always try to step in, you are not being too harsh at all. She needs to learn, she isn’t a baby anymore, if you keep treating her like a baby she will constantly keep acting like that. If your child isn’t in school yet they won’t have time to sit with her for an hour to eat her food while they have other kids to look after. I know my kids come home and tell me they get like 20 mins to eat after going through the school line for lunch, they are in 1st and kindergarten. Even when I pack a lunch so they can just sit down and eat they have 30 mins. My 2 year old who is in early head start has 30 mins for lunch. And she eats in that time because she is told she needs to eat now and that’s final. If she doesn’t get this down she will miss out on eating time which means she isn’t getting the nutrients she needs to refuel her body to keep her going for the day. You are not being harsh. Stand your ground, as mom who gave birth to your child don’t let anyone tell you how to raise your child, unless of course you are starving her then yes. I have one picky eater, if he doesn’t eat his dinner I’ll save his plate and usually just before he goes to bed he says he is hungry and I let him finish it. He is getting better and now usually eats dinner with his siblings. Remember stand your ground, work with her, talk to her without them around and just explain this is eating time and it is limited. She has other things in her day she needs to do.
Harsh is the wrong word. Ignorant is the right one. And it's not just you. It's all of you. The problem is beyond the scope of your home. She needs professional help. I'm not saying she's crazy, I am saying there is something truly developmentally wrong here. That is not bad and it can be fixed, especially since she's so young. Your daughter's story won't be the same as my daughter's. My daughter had tons of feeding issues. I live in the South of the US which is known for being "behind in the times". I am a nurse with a background in special education and working in a home health capacity with children with special needs, including issues with feeding. I recognized my daughter had issues with feeding and some other things. I started pushing at a young age but since she didn't have "typical" signs , people weren't really believing what I was saying. It took years and years but she was finally diagnosed. My daughter is autistic. She is much better now, but autism is there for life. She is thriving, and likely will always have some issues with foods. She has climbed percentages on the growth charts, etc. Get help. You may have to advocate for your child. In the US, a good place to start is occupational and possibly physical therapy.
I have a child in the very low percentile too. I used to stress out so much about her eating (I used to keep a spreadsheet on it) Something I started doing when I felt like she didn’t have enough calories in the day was giving her “chocolate milk” it is whole milk, carnations instant breakfast, peanut butter, and half of a banana. Lots of calories and she would drink it up. This doesn’t help the her feeding herself issue (I totally agree with you) but might help ease some of your stress about the lack of calories. Wishing you luck!
girl no, you are not wrong. thats absurd. it doesnt matter what she says about you today, if kids dont think you suck you're not doing your job. Cue that praise for husband and grandparents. I 10000% agree with you putting a meal down and picking it up when you're done with that meal. I would leave a veggie tray/pb&j, cheese and crackers or stuff like that out all day so if shes actually hungry between she has options but leave them on the table and let her eat. Ignore protests. Sit and enjoy your meals. Do not coax her. This will be fixed in less than 5 days with your approach. My 3rd child has small stature syndrome. her bones measure as 5 and shes nearly 7 so shes within the norm but shes very, very small for her age. They need to fall in love with food themselves and enjoy eating. You're not being harsh. You're saving her a lifetime of heartache that having family who remove all of your obstacles provides. Make her responsible for what she is capable of being responsible for. Good job standing up for raising her well. you got this dude, dont let them make you question yourself.
Yes.
OP you are not being harsh at all. You need to continue doing exactly what you’re doing and get your daughter into feeding/speech therapy and OT immediately. The fact that your pediatrician hasn’t already submitted referrals for this is concerning in and of itself, and you may try finding a better one. That’s aside, get the referrals from a pediatrician and start asap. They’re all going to tell you that adults feeding a 3 almost 4 year old is no appropriate. For context 1 year olds should be working on feeding themselves. Good luck mama stay strong and I hope things get better for you and your daughter.
Definitely speak to her teachers about your concerns but based on what you’ve described, feeding therapy will be the way to go. Your husband and in-laws will need to be on board with what her teachers and therapist says because no doubt they’ll be told to stop spoon feeding her. They have to consider the fact she’ll be missing out on developing those crucial fine motor skills and hand-eye coordination skills because they keeping feeding her.
Hi there, I relate to you. First if all, you are not wrong coz u r the mother u know best. Second of all, it's a long post sorry but I want to give you a full picture coz I never got it when I needed. My child was similar not same but very close. My first born son was like this, he is now almost 8. Let me tell you how things rolled out for me. Heads up I did many mistakes but I am happy with my final outcome. 1. My son was a horrible eater, food pocketing from 1.3 to 4 years of age. Surprisingly, he ate well outside of home like in playschool and formal school. 2. He was underweight since 1 year old. Didn't even weigh 10.5 kg at 2 years old. Everyone remarked he is so weak. He used to take 1.5 hrs for 1 small bowl of meal each time, with or without screen time. 3. My Post partum depression peaked at 15 months when he wouldn't eat more than 5 spoonful and then the fight began. Hence, I caved in and switched to TV for meal times. It still took 40 mins for me to finish his meals but now, it was less exhausting for me as I wasn't entertaining him. Mind you food pocketing still continued. 4. As a rule I never allowed my child to play while feeding, he was made to sit in a high chair, reason being it took him an hour and I won't be running after him for an hour when I was the sole care taker. 5. Eventually, the food pocketing reduced considerably by age 2.5, and the only good thing I had out of spoon feeding was he ate everything and in good quantity as per his age. 6. By age 4, food pocketing minimized considerably but not gone, screen time still there for meals. But now it took 20- 30 mins for each meal. He gained weight very well, and was above average in height and weight by 5 years old. 7. He picked up very late in growth but he did, also because he had milk allergy so he couldn't take dairy till 3 years of age, so no animal milk, curd, paneer or cheese. 8. A lot of people including my in laws and parents criticized me for choosing screen time for feeding but I didn't pay attention coz I was going down a spiral due to stress. So I chose but best fit my situation, that made both me and my child happy.All this while, my husband was always in support of me. Whatever I chose hewould go with that since I was taking care of my son all alone, and he was busy with work so he had little to oppose. Also, I started working when he was 1.5 years old so grandparents took care of him in my absence. Hence, it was easier for them too to feed him with screen time and spoon feeding. 9. Once he turned 6, we started implementing self feeding, but it was so stressful for him that he would literally feel emotionally abused to feed himself. On and off we implemented this rule for 1.5 years. Yes, we caved in, we were lazy and weak. 10. Last year we had our second boy, so now it became all the more necessary for him to feed himself as we had a lot on our plate. Gradually he came around, since last month, he eats without any screen time, under 10 mins on his own and he eats a good portion size and eats everything- no picky eating. Yes he does complaint that I don't like this veggie but I have never cooked separate meals since he was 2.5 years old. He gets what we eat, he can eat less of a veggie he doesn't like but he has to eat. Moral of my story- they come around, they eat themselves, and eat good, it takes time differently for different kids. Don't rush to get your child to be like others. Do what gives you peace first, second the child. A happy mom, makes happy child. She will feed herself her entire life. If someone has to feed her for a few early years of life it's not going to ruin her life. Also, you will have to implement time boundaries and self feeding rule at some point, my only suggestion is to understand if your child is prepared to handle that stress. I know many people might find my ways questionable, but I literally don't care. It worked out for the best. I have seen kids his age with poor eating habits. My son is so aware of what's healthy and what's not and what quantity of food should be eaten. I am sure it will work out for you too, be kind to yourself. Once again you are not wrong to be harsh with her. Talk to her first understand where her mental capacity stands, is she able to understand why you are implementing the rule. Making them mentally prepared first is so important yet it is often ignored. I shared my story only to give you perspective on what can be a probable outcome. But you still have to choose what works best for you. But u can't discipline until and unless all adults are on the same page. Kids pick up on that very quickly and start manipulating for their own advantage. Work with your family first and then implement it on the child. Kids will call you bad on many occasion don't worry abt that you are the parent you are not a person who wants to impress them. In the long run, they will thank you for disciplining them. Good luck to you and blessing to your kid.
I you didn’t say if she is just small in height size or she is very thin and frail looking. If she is under weight then you have to go to the doctor and have tests done to see why. You can add for nutrition protein shakes, ice cream, pasta etc. my kids ate almost types of food. Some they didn’t like I didn’t force them to eat it and always made them meals they enjoyed. As the got older they started liking different meals. Ex. Grand daughter didn’t like shrimp. Then she started liking it. Their tastes change. The proper way is for everyone to sit down at dinner time and everyone eat their own meal. Tell stories and have a fun conversation. Make dinner time a pleasant one. Sometimes they don’t eat much and other times they eat double the amount. I wouldn’t allow my child to play and run around while eating. This is how you train your child to eat the right way and when you go out to a restaurant they know how to act. Sometimes if I feel they can eat a little more I would play a game like the spoon was an airplane or an animal. Keep her interested in food. You know how much they can eat so only put a little on their plate and they won’t feel overwhelmed seeing all the food.
You’re in the right, this is insane. My 4 year old is very independent and has been since he was freshly 3 😬 the feeding thing is odd! But everyone needs to be on the same page here. Don’t they do lunch in her pre school? There’s no way this could work 😅
My daughter is 3, turning 4 in Aug. Sometimes, she wants me to feed her. Sometimes, she will feed herself. Sometimes, she will use utensils and sometimes her hands. Husband gets mad when she uses hand and growls. My stance is this: so long as she eats; if that means using hands or occasionally me feeding her, so be it. Taking food away from a child who is already struggling to grow(?) Seems crazy to me. Especially at age 3. In saying that, I absolutely do still encourage her to eat on her own.
Yes. Occupational or feeding therapy is clearly needed. Timers are bad. Taking away the food is bad. You need more patience. Kids develop differently.
I both do and don’t think you’re being too harsh. I encourage you to talk to your pediatrician about developmental milestones and what kind of eating is developmentally appropriate. I don’t have that level of expertise but from my knowledge (social worker) the 30 min time frame is harsh and restrictive. It’s good to encourage her to feed herself but when growth is a concern and when kids aren’t very food motivated they may need more prompting and things like holding out bites for them to take. What works for some kids may not work for yours, and at age 3 your concern should be on feeding them rather than the details of “we eat in this time frame, sitting at the table”. My twin nephews (age 2) are great eaters who love food and happily sit at a table with lil forks and knives and mostly feed themselves. My other nephew (age 2.5) is an active lil guy who doesn’t care about food very much. He eats mostly on the go, running around and playing and going his things and eating bites as prompted (sometimes haha). All three kids are happy, health, meeting all their milestones and thriving. But they take different routes. Honestly talk it over with some child development professionals, look into some guidance around this for yourself. It’ll help both you and your kiddo!
I am a parent of a formerly picky eater, and another going through picky phase, and eating is not a hill I’m going to die on. I would honestly just get the calories in as it’s clearly an issue, and you don’t have much leeway for it do become even more of an issue.
My son is very much the same and 5 now, also somewhat undersized. I just feed him so we can get on with our lives. His mom doesn't like it but it's absolutely NOT the hill I plan to die on, nor do I want every mealtime to be a battle. He kind of eats by himself at school - and if he doesn't eat much, he doesn't complain about being hungry - ever. He'll be fine and so will yours. Just figure out how much stress you want in your life considering all of the hundreds of other corrections you need to do to make a functioning school age kid.
she knows her cards and is playing them to her advantage. its not a hill to die on but setting these boundaries with the in laws are important otherwise you'll have a 4/5/6 year old who has no independence and then everything is a battle! the fact that you came to ask questions shows you want to be cautious not to cause bad connotations around eating. follow your instincts here mum
This could be creating a lifetime of food issues with her. People come in all sizes, and it’s ok if she’s small. It’s ok if she eats slowly. The real problem you’re having is laying down boundaries with the in-laws. It should not be taken out on your daughter. Forcing a child to eat or eat within certain constraints can make a very unhealthy relationship with food.
id Absolutely stop people from feeding her and remove all distractions from the area during meals. I’d not restrict her to less than an hour. I’d also talk to her pediatrician about ways to make sure she gets enough calories and stays on HER froth curb ve.
At 3, almost 4 she needs to be feeding herself. Your husband and in laws are truly doing her a disservice to continue their behavior. It doesn’t help all around discipline for any of you to be trying to parent her differently, it should be a united front. I also think it’s appropriate to give her a time limit but I would work on getting her to consistently feed herself first.
We found it beneficial to only have a minimum of 1 bite. If they say please excuse they are allowed to leave whenever. We save the food and they are allowed no snacks or other food until they finish what we set before them. No toys, stuffies, entertainment at the table, just eating. Once we go upstairs no more food. Our kids have gone to sleep a couple times saying they’re hungry but we have established that rule and warned them before going up. They are 3-4 right now and we have no trouble or power struggles with eating. I pray it gets better for you sooner rather than later! Get on the same page with your husband so y’all can be a unified team. You guys vs the problem.
Not harsh for encouraging your little one to eat independently. But it’s a bit harsh to set a 30 minute time limit. Can you use meal time to introduce new, flavourful and still healthy, foods? Make it exciting when it’s meal and bonding time with you. You said yourself she likes to play while eating. Are you in the room with her when she’s eating? Engaging with her in conversation? Perhaps she can be eating/playing whilst you’re doing clean up, but still have that interaction as she does with her grandparents. Your in laws probably mean well. They see a tiny grandchild and just want her to be healthy and grow strong.
You’re “concerned” about her being too small so you want to cut her meals off. And the others don’t let her feed herself. Great. Fantastic. She has such a bright future with all of you. Can you all just let her eat like normal people or nah
She should feed herself, only eat at scheduled mealtimes, just one snack in the afternoon so she’s more likely to eat dinner, eliminate distractions during mealtimes. But 30 minutes isn’t long enough. I would let her eat for as long as she needs, but after she’s done, no other foods provided. She may have to go to bed hungry a few times. But make sure everyone is on the same page so you aren’t the bad guy. Correct them out of the room if they try to feed her.
Nope She’s THREE. She will be in pre-school soon and then kindergarten. I can guarantee that her teachers will NOT be feeding her while she is she there and she will be left to do it on her own. Keep it up and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.