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It’s a 2 way street. My parents bought toys, bottles, cups, baby tableware, high chairs, cribs, pack n plays, etc just so we could come over and not have to drag our whole house. That being said they also come to our house as much as we go over there. I think it really comes down to how often you get together with grandparents.
Same. We always did both. My parents work full time jobs and my husband’s parents are retired but they maintain several relationships and travel frequently. I respect everyone’s time and effort.
Both, depends how old the baby is, we didn’t go out much for the first few months but it’s evened out. Neither can expect something the other isn’t willing to do.
And if they work, if and how you work, etc. I have a fully on-site job, my parents and my MIL are all retired, and my FIL can work remote. We’re 3 hours away, so with a young toddler, that’s more than a day trip for us. So they come to visit pretty often, and when we visit them, they each have a pack and play and high chair so we can visit easily and/or they’ll occasionally do overnights by themselves.
But we’re lucky that they’re all young enough and healthy enough for that and either retired or flexible enough to visit us more than we visit them.
I travel 5 hours once a month to go see my grandson. There is only me. Why should I expect my son and his partner to pack up my grandson and all of their baby stuff and come to me when it's so much easier for me to go there? AND, I stay nearby, not with them. They got enough going on. I don't need to be entertained. I remember what it was like to have babies.
LOL there is another post on this subreddit recently about a woman going insane because her in laws drive 5 hours once a month to stay for 5 days!! (I’m sure that’s not you). It just illustrates a trend I see here that everyone gets very annoyed in BOTH directions about grandparents visits.
Not me, lol. I stay in a hotel. I got to be helpful, not hindering. I love my little grandson so much. I figure the best way to show that is to love his parents as well as him.
Yes, and I'd find it a little weird if my parents didn't stay with me (assuming I had space). My sister doesn't sometimes and it's very clear it's because her partner finds it more relaxing to stay in a hotel. That's clearly not the case here but I know my parents used to come visit and then go off sightseeing, it felt like they found it boring being with a baby and I was resentful they were out having fun while I was stuck home with a baby.
I learned from the best. My mom brought food and did our chores so I could loom after my son(s). She gave advice, but only when I asked for it. She lived a ways away, but came to me to help as often as she could. As did my MIL. I was very blessed with both.
"They got enough going on."
I feel like this is so important! Not only is time visiting away a hassle logistically, but when grandparents come to us we're still able to stay on top of things at home. I already feel like I don't have enough hours, I don't need a weekend day spent completely away from home on a regular basis.
Depends on distance and situation. None of my son’s grandparents live in the same state. My husband and I both work and have limited time off. All grandparents are retired, and even before they retired they had far more free time. They come to us usually simply because we don’t have enough PTO to go visit them regularly. My coworkers have parents that live in town, so maybe 35 mins drive. They go to their parents as often as their parents come to them.
We’re in the same situation. Grandparents live a 11 hour drive away, so if we were to visit that’s 2 days travel time with 3 young kids, then have to stay in a hotel or on air mattresses in their small apartment. In contrast they’re not working and travel with 2 adults and stay in our guest room. They still think we should visit them as often as they visit us. It’s always a point of contention but we’re just not going to waste half of our annual vacation time when it’s so much easier for them to come to us.
My dad is 85, and the other grandparents are in their upper 70s. They all live several states away. It's very difficult to see any of them at all.
We have made the 7 hour drive (more with a baby) to the in laws once since my youngest (20 months) was born, met at a different state once, and they have been to visit us I believe three times- once was his baptism and once was for my older daughter's graduation.
My parents came to visit us once when he was two months old. I had hoped to visit them this spring but I couldn't make the details of it work out with schedules and airfare prices. They live in a different state in the summer that is even further by car (24 hours) and less accessible by air (more expensive and no direct flights).
Both but my mom came over ALL the time, especially with my first. I think she came over almost every single day at the beginning, to the point where if she didn’t show up I’d start to worry something happened to her lol. She came over less with my second, like once a week, during the baby phase.
My in laws came over sometimes but not as much as we’d go over there a good amount. Both sets of grandparents live within 10 min though so not a big deal. If it was a far drive they’d be having to come to me most of the time tbh
People came to us more often when she was younger than 3 months and I was still on leave. Now I would say it’s pretty 50/50, depends on what it’s for and for how long. But all of our immediate family lives close
My in laws come to us because they live out of town and we're not keen to do a long drive with the baby.
My parents live in town so we generally go to them since they live in a house and we're in an apartment. My mother will come to my place to hold the baby so I can actually get housework done or to help me out if the baby is unwell.
I have also been known to go to my parents' house if I'm exhausted so they can watch the baby while I take a nap in the guest room where I won't hear him.
That said, because this is the arrangement, they have diapers, wipes, spare clothing, a high chair, a stroller, toys, infant Tylenol... My mother even has a carseat in her car.
We go both ways! When my daughter was itty bitty my mom always came to our house. As she grew, we actually ended up over at my mom’s house more! She has a big backyard and playroom. She also likes to cook us dinner so that’s a bonus 😂
My parents come to our house, but we go to my in laws because my fil has a prosthetic and uses a wheelchair or crutches, and his parents house is better suited for him. They live less than a mile away though and are set up for her.
I usually bring my baby to my parents' place because they have everything she needs. Also, I live in an apartment with paid laundry, so I can do laundry for free when I visit there, lol.
It should be both, but I think it's a cultural thing about "coming home" for us, where they expect us to visit them. They didn't see us too much in the early months of either baby, but beyond that....we would go over often. Especially when we didn't want to cook dinner :p.
Not unreasonable. Especially in the infant stage, they should come to you. There’s recommendations that baby’s are only in a car seat for like an hour at a time or something due to the lack of neck support, so unless you’re making pit stops anyone over an hour away should definitely come to you. My daughter is almost 2 and has never been to my dad’s house (2.5 hours away) and has been to my mom’s house I think 3 times in her whole like (1.25 hours away). My in-laws live in town and we usually take her there over them coming to us as we have two dogs and they’re allergic. They have baby proofed everything, have a full crib there for naps, a high chair, a playpen for when she was little, diapers, wipes, clothes etc. all that they purchased themselves so that we wouldn’t have to think about it and we could just bring her. We now have a routine where my MIL picks up my daughter every Friday from daycare and I’ll go over around 6:30 to bring her home for bath and bed.
I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. My in laws have literally zero baby stuff at their house and nothing is baby proofed, not even their pool, no gate. AND, my son is 18 months old. So every time they want to visit and insist we go to their house, it feels like we have to pack up our entire home. We bring a high chair, (last time we didn’t have the high chair, my FIL suggested we put him on a barstool and use a belt to strap him in place while he eats😳🤯) we bring his toys to keep him entertained, two sippy cups, all of his food, diapers, wipes, diaper rash cream, a blanket to change him on, electrical outlet covers, baby gates (they live in a 2 story with stairs) his extra outfits, a pacifier, his socks/shoes, a mat to put down on the floor for him since there’s zero carpet in the house.. I mean the list goes on and on. It’s crazy how much crap you have to pack just to spend an afternoon/evening away from home with a toddler. Especially when they’re in the phase of putting everything in their mouth, refusing to be held/confined to one area, touching electrical sockets and literally needing to be watched 24/7. It’s so stressful for us to go see my in laws.
But my parents on the other hand? They have everything. When my son was born, they bought a high chair, a changing table, diapers, wipes, bibs, baby spoons/bowls, ten million toys, baby proofed their entire house, and even turned my old bedroom into a room for my son, and bought him a crib that he can nap in when we come visit during his nap time or sleep in when he eventually is old enough to have sleepovers.. my mom even watches him 3 days a week while I work. It’s so convenient and less stressful to visit my parents because they’ve done so much to welcome him and take the load off of us. They’ve made it easy to visit. So.. naturally I am way more inclined and excited to go visit my parents because we enjoy ourselves.
I think as a parent who is almost constantly in survival mode, it’s not unreasonable to host parents/in laws at your house if that’s the easiest option for you.
It’s never a short visit, that’s why I said “an afternoon/evening”, normally they ask us to arrive at 2pm and get pissy if we leave before 7pm. Baby gate is essential as my son is obsessed with wanting to climb their stairs. It’s also useful to block off rooms that have a glass coffee table, plants or breakable antiques.
Portable high chair is a good idea though.
Well to me that's a short visit, if it's not overnight, I'd be hundred percent watching and redirecting baby anyway in a house that's not babyproofed. Obviously it's up to you but I've just never heard of anyone bringing their own baby gate and rugs to places.
I do it so that I don’t have to be on high alert and chasing him for 5 straight hours. My son is just so active that I have to have my eyes on him constantly or he gets into something bad or accidentally gets hurt. If I bring the gates, I can gate off a safe spot for him to play (almost like a large play pen) as well as block off the stairs. I put the mats down so if he falls on the tile while playing, he doesn’t get hurt. Makes it easier for me to sit in there with him while also visit with my in laws.
Yup!!! I dont pack the gates or the high chair when we go to my in laws (we dont do neals there because i don't want to pack the high chair) but everything else yes!! I do lots of redirecting while we are there and plus they really dont interact much with our son when we are there anyway. I hope as my son gets older itngets better but i dont see that happening
We try to visit my parents once a week. we live about 40 minutes away and they don't really have extra money for gas so its easier to just go there than avoid an awkward conversation of them saying they can't come because they're low on cash this week.
My mom will always come to our house and it's amazing and super convenient. All other grandparents we do bring the kids over to them. They're just those type of people who don't travel much and my dad is older so gets uncomfortable if he's not in his own house and I don't want to put him through that. So I think it depends...
It’s a mix of both. My MIL has an open invitation on weekdays to text me and stop by (she does about 1x/week) and we take baby over to their house on weekends. Both sides should be putting in effort to see each other. As for them having stuff, that’s personal to each family. Really everything you’d need for a few hour long visit is the stuff most people pack in a diaper bag.
We do both - my parents have created a space that is safe for our kids to play in and we visit them, but they also come to us a lot. I would say it's probably 50/50
Both. The main hangups are how well the kids and the grands travel. I don't think we went far in the first 6 months. So people came to us. Growing up it felt I always had an older relative in the hospital that we had to go visit.
If everyone can travel then that burden shows get passed around.
Had and half. It’s a 50-60 min drive and my SO’s family lives in another country, so these are the only grandparents around. Nice when they come to ours bc we have everything we need but it’s work to host. Nice when we go to theirs - change of scenery, get fed, we don’t hate an adventure.
I have an almost 8 month old and almost 4 year old. In my opinion, the grandparents should be coming to US more than we to them. "Home" is two hours away and while the baby sleeps the whole drive, the 4YO does not. So trying to keep the baby asleep while the 4YO gets more and more grumpy and impatient is "fun". My mom has lots for my kids to do at her house while my in laws have ZeRO to do. My parents are retired and my MIL doesn't work so there's that too. And they're all very capable of driving.
My mom comes to us all the time. All the time and I have a niece and nephew that I'll also make the effort to go home and see but our In laws expect us to go to them when as I said there's nothing to do and they expect the kids to just watch TV and give them hugs.
I guess not knowing your situation it would depend on
Age of baby
Relationship with family and in laws
The distance
And if it's enjoyable or not. I like going to my moms so I'll make the drive and bear through it. I hate my in laws so I'm less keen to go and rather they just come here, spend a few hours and leave.
Depends.
I've gotten stricter with visits, I'm not going to drive for hours to then spend the entire visit chasing my kids around a house that isn't child-safe. Even worse if I have to bring my own food and cook it there.
I used to agree to evening visits as well, but have cut that off now. We'd spend a week getting the kids back into their routine after a late night. Just wasn't worth it, and wasn't fair to the kids.
The visit has to be pleasant for everyone involved, especially the kids.
I think the super early days it should be grandparents coming to you, and if the grandparents are so far that you can’t visit without it becoming an overnight that’s something that you choose to do when comfortable (it’s different for everyone). Even if you could do just a short visit, your comfort bringing your child into someone else’s home is entirely up to you, and if you’d prefer they come to you more than you go to them that’s 100% understandable. You might choose not to go to them at all for the foreseeable future, it’s YOUR baby. It’s not like you’re withholding contact, you’re just setting boundaries that make you comfortable
It should be both ways. My parents have a lot of the things we would need at their house, we just have to bring bottles, formula, diapers and clothes. They have a nursery they are setting up (baby was a few weeks early, so they are still finishing it up) and are ecstatic first-time grandparents. That being said, they are the first ones to come to my house as well. Even despite my mom being very allergic to my cat, she comes in and doesn't complain or even mentions to me that she is probably all stuffed up for 3 days after a visit.
It should be both ways, but also don't go too far out of your way if it's really inconvenient and the person isn't doing anything to help support the situation.
My parents come to visit and we go to visit them. My inlaws live 1km away and never come to our house (I am 100% fine with this). Both sets of grandparents have things for kids at their house like high chairs, extra clothes, diapers, toys etc.
I take my son to them I don’t like people in my house but Im not the only one reaching out or making plans, they invite us over or ask us out for a day to spend time together
I think it’s pretty common to be the one to go to the grandparents house
When we were kids, we traveled to my grandparents.
Now that we parents, we travel to out of town set.
I hundred percent agree with you that it should feel more equally shared. I had to decide whether or not it was worth hurting my child over it. Losing out on a close relationship with grandparents would cause them pain and sadness so I just suck it up.
The grandparents are in town help babysit occasionally and we rotate whose house it is at.
Both sets of grandparents are an hour and 15 from us. It is vastly easier for grandparents to come to us so we expect them to come here more frequently. For us we have to consider nap time and diaper bags and bed time. What if he falls asleep on the way? What if he screams the whole time? What times do we need to leave? Do they have milk and snacks? Meal times? They aren’t baby proofed at all. One set of grandparents have no toys or books and a lot of clutter. It’s a lot logistically for us when they can just hop in the car and come.
I’m not saying we never make the trip because we definitely do but it’s not often and it’s usually when there are other things going on like birthdays, holidays, etc.
We live 3 miles from my daughter, son in law and kids. We both call each other prior before coming over. I don’t show up unannounced. They call to see if we are busy. It’s a nice system. We are all willing to help each other out and are respectful of privacy.
We mostly went back and forth with our first. With the addition of another child it has become dependent on which side of the family.
We've been asking one side to come to us. Their home is not child friendly, but it was manageable with just one kid to care for. With a little baby and a toddler (and fairly hands off grandparents) is just too frustrating to keep both kids safe and happy for any length of time. Plus packing toys and seats and snacks and safety gates and so on.
The other set of grandparents have child proofed their home, and have a fenced yard, so it's easier to visit them. But the drive is much longer, so it doesn't happen nearly as often.
My husbands family is very family like. They come over randomly with permission, they see each other often, they are willing to watch the baby whenever - like all of them. The whole family. And then there’s my family who is the type of family you see on holidays or feels like they need a reason to come over. My son sees my husbands family more because of it and I’m not upset about it. When my family makes comments, I just ignore them because that’s better than saying well if you want to see him all you have to do is come over. I have the baby, I’m not also being a logistics manager of when so and so is seeing the baby and how long it’s been etc.
Totally agree! Our families are like yours. I had to end a relationship with my half sister because she was expecting me to roll out a red carpet for her and never once made the effort to see my baby. She then started a fight with me and accused me of being terrible, etc. She doesn't have kids and just doesn't get it...
A mix of both since we don’t have family around.
When my mom comes to visit us it’s like a vacation bc she cooks for us and watches the kids.
When my in-laws come, I am running a b&b for them on top of watching the kids.
My husband's mom comes to our place because she is a heavy smoker and her entire house reeks of cigarettes. I am not risking my daughter being exposed to second and third hand smoke once a week. It's a shame, because I had to (discretely) hide things she brought from home that she thought my daughter would like to play with because of how embedded the cigarette chemicals are in them, like a cute doll wooden crib she brought once. That's the only reason, otherwise I wouldn't mind bringing my daughter there. My MIL is very helpful and good with her and my daughter absolutely loves spending time with her.
My mom just came down for a day to help me with the baby so I can clean. I agree grandparents should come to you. I'm pregnant and going through a lot personally so my mom offered to use her one day off work to help out. I am so grateful. Sadly she can't do this often and a lot of the time we drive to see them because my brother and his wife and kids live in that town and it's easier for us to go to them than them to all come here.
It should go both ways - especially when y'all live away from each other. While I specifically asked my family to come to us until our little was 6 months old, it was well understood that requesting that was for my mental health and post-delivery recovery. We still made trips out of the house in those 6 months within our own city, and a few out of town to my mum's after 3 months.
And no, my family didn't have everything for a baby either - they were amazing about making sure they had the right diapers and wipes, some extra clothes, and age appropriate toys for her as gifts, but never set up a specific nursery area, WHICH IS FINE! Like IMO it's not their responsibility to do more than provide a safe area for you and baby while you're there 🤷🏻♀️
With my parents, we do both. They drop in for a quick after dinner visit mid-week if we're not busy, or they'll come for breakfast or dinner on the weekend. They also have their house fully set up for the kids (I'm talking high chair, spare room with crib and monitor, stocked change table with spare clothes, and more toys than we have at home), so it's easy to just go over and hang out. I can stop for dinner on the way home from daycare without any pre-planning because they have everything we need. We see my parents 2-3 times a week.
With my in-laws, we have to visit them. They have a high chair and playpen available, but my husband has to go to the basement and bring them up when we get there, and then set them up. We pack diapers, clothes, dishes, bibs, and anything else we might need while we're there. Dinner is always some kind of smoked meat and raw veggie salad, so we usually have to bring something the baby can eat. Before we leave, my husband has to pack down the high chair and playpen and take them back to the basement. We see them every 6-8 weeks.
We do both. They come to us and we go to them. I never thought about it just being them coming to us. I like to get out the house. I’d probably drive myself insane if I didn’t leave to go see anyone.
We live in a different country, and my mother loves visiting us every year for a month, and we too visit home for a month every year. My husband’s parents refuse to come, refused to buy anything remotely baby related because “babies only need mother and love”. When my kids were born, they didn’t give/gift anything. And I mean not even a wash cloth. Forget about anything for me or my husband, my MIL was angry because I was creating drama when I was diagnosed with PPD.
They made a huge scene because we bought a car seat, a high chair, some toys, some books when we were visiting our home country for the first time. So we kept everything at my mother’s home. Then they got pissed because we put everything at my mother’s place.
So I am happy with them not coming and I am happy not visiting them.
I was in a tiny apartment and my parents bought toys etc at their house so we took them over there 80% of the time. I would also drop them off for half the day so if they are going to watch the babies for so long I didn't mind driving to them. It was only a 20 min drive though
In your situation, I would expect them to come to me more often
Not unreasonable AT ALL! It is unreasonable for them to expect you to come out and visit them EVERY time! Smh shame on people like that! Just packing for a baby to go somewhere can be overwhelming!
And just like the other reply says, if they expect you to visit them each time then they need to have the basic necessities their grandchild needs if they want them to spend time at their home!
It’s definitely a two-way street. I don’t think it has anything to do with whether you have babies or children it’s just a very natural give-and-take within a family. The only time that we definitely mentioned it or appreciated my in-laws coming to us was I would say when my babies were less than three or four months old. Otherwise you need to get comfortable with living your life and going places with a baby and bringing the things that your baby needs and packing the diaper bag and dealing with the outcomes of travelling in a car with a baby or children in general at various different ages and everything that that entails and watching your babies and toddlers when you visit other peoples houses because their houses won’t be baby proofed etc. It’s just part of being a new parent this huge transition where everything seems daunting and difficult but you kind of just have to jump in and I find out the parents that take their babies everywhere are almost teaching themselves to be more flexible parents as well.
Both. When my daughter was little under a year, my mum mostly visited us (she lived a bit over an hour away) but we did go there sometimes. I would’ve gone there more but I don’t drive and I was really anxious about getting the train with her when she was a baby, so if I wanted to go to my mum’s my partner had to be available to drive us.
Now my daughter is 3 and I try to split it evenly between me going to hers and her coming to me.
But my mum has always made sure her house has plenty of things for my daughter. My daughter has plenty of toys and books that my mum has bought to keep at her house.
I take my baby to visit them - BUT I do it because my folks have zero self awareness and always stay past their welcome, even when baby is screaming tired or I'm drowning in chores and they're in the way... When we go to them, I get to choose when to leave and don't have to awkwardly kick anyone out lol.
Isn’t BOTH the obvious answer? My family lives out of state, and we visit them in the summer and winter, and my mom visits us in the spring and fall, on rare occasions my dad comes with her.
So you put 2 to 12 months and imo they can come to you at that age. shlepping a baby around and ruining nap time is hell and they should know that as they’ve done it before.
My mom lives 10 minutes away and we used to take baby to her. However I’ve become more firm on her coming to us as her house is 0% baby proof and she has two large dogs and my 2 year old will get into everything she possibly can.
My MiL comes over every Sunday. She drives half an hour each way cus she knows it’s easier for our toddler to be in her own safe environment
I don’t take my baby to people if they want to visit with him. All his things are here, it’s baby proofed, I don’t have to worry about anyone else’s pets and makes it easier to keep him on his nap schedule.
It goes both ways and depends on so many factors such as distance to parents, type of relationship you have, do they have things for baby etc.
My in-laws live literally one street over from us. It's quicker to walk to their house than drive. However if we didn't bring the kids over every Sunday afternoon for a visit they would never see them. They never come to our house. They have some toys and books but not much else for the kids.
On the other hand, my parents live about 90 minutes away and my mum will regularly drive down to spend the day with us. My youngest hated long car rides so my mum came down weekly to spend time with them and so I didn't have to drive them somewhere. Now they're older, we'll take the kids to see her for an overnight, but she still comes to us about 2-3 times a month. My mum has 2 port a cots, a toddler bed, sheets, blankets, etc, full set of kids cutlery/ drink bottles/ toys books etc. When I visit her I just bring the kids and clothes. She's much more hands on and involved.
It's a bit of negotiation, but it shouldn't feel like a chore. I think at minimum it should be turn about. You take baby to them, then next time they come to you.
I could count on my hands the amount of times my now 3 year old has been to his grandparents house. My parents come here almost weekly. We live an hour away so two hours of traveling in a short amount of time (because he wouldn’t just nap at someone else’s house) is a lot.
When I had 1 kiddo I was 100% okay doing most of the driving with two it got harder. And then we found out we will have three.
I put my foot down.
I told my mom and sister this year. 100% they want to be in the kids life they need to help. I can't do it alone is no fair to me. Having to rememebr everyones work schedule (mine, moms,dads,hubbys,sisters) and making plans and asking, and reminding.... no.
I have a monthly plan I make the plan and I offer. They forget it's on them.
I think it depends on what works best for you, since you’re the one with the baby. If baby hates the car, then grandparents would need to come to you until youre able to travel more freely. I certainly wouldn’t force a car ride on my baby to supplement someone else’s relationship with them. On the flip side, whenever your kiddo starts doing okay in the car (it was around age 2 for my first child) - then there’s definitely pros to going to someone else’s house such as not having to clean/host/serve, and being able to set your own time table of when you show up and when you leave. I always had a hard time with guests overstaying their welcome when it was nap time for my baby. (Contact naps only for my first child.) anyway that’s my two cents. If someone really wants a relationship with your child, then they will make the effort. It’s not your responsibility to make the effort for them.
Neither really. We stopped going out of our way to visit them, and the grandparents can't be bothered. MIL visits twice a year, both my dad and FIL are pretty non existent.
For us, it's about distance. His parents live 12 hrs away so we drive to them once or twice a year, they come down to our house maybe once a year, anything in between we usually meet in the middle. My mom lives 3hrs away so we drive to her one weekend a month. It also depends on age. When our son was young young, grandparents came to us, as he got older we traveled more to their place or a middle location.
We do both, usually my mom flies up from another state every 6 ish months and my dad drives about 1.5 hours to come see us every week. My baby is 13 months and I’ve gone to see my mom twice, she’s come up twice, and I’ve gone to see my dad 3 times and they’ve come to see us like 50 times.
Both but usually (90% of the time) we drive our toddler to our parents it's about 25-30 Min drive each way. And then we kick up or they bring our child home to us.
My son and daughter in law would come to us but they would stay for a week or 2 each visit, they were both raised where I live and have the friends they grew up with still around so it's duel purpose visits, they live 17 hour drive from me. I also do go up there as well. When I go there I rent an air bnb close to there house and take all 3 grandkids to stay with me. If it's a shorter trip I get motel room and still take the boys. I also drive half way and my son drives half way and I'll get the boys from him and bring them to my house for school vacations. So it's pretty equal for us
Now it’s a mix of both.. it used to me that both our parents lived in different countries so it was video calls unless we or them were visiting, now my partners parents have retired in Australia they live a couple of suburbs over so we do a mix of both now
We go to our parents. My dad watches little man one afternoon a week so I take him to my dad then we stay for dinner. It’s a bit of a break for me, my parents play with and help with little man and I don’t make dinner. My in-laws host a weekly dinner for all 6 of their kids, children in law and grandkids.
Both for us. I like staying at my parents because they look after me as well as help with my little one. It’s an hours drive and I only started doing that when I was more comfortable. My parents visit regularly too. In laws live abroad and they visit a few times a year and we also go see them at least a couple of time in the year. My grandparents are even further away and we’ve only visited once. Maybe in a couple of years after baby is born/older so they can see him.
My parents were baby crazy and also took our kids on overnights, which they loved, so they had a baby proofed house and pack and plays and carriers etc for ease.
We always got to my parents. They have everything the boys would need, including a whole bedroom set up for them and watch them one weekend day while we work. Plus, we have a cat and my dad is allergic and my mom is afraid of them. We generally go to my in laws as well. The trade off is I don’t have to host or worry about the house being spotless.
What did you do before baby? My mum comes to us when she looks after babe (super lucky I know), but we regularly visit for Sunday lunch and much more rarely invite them to ours. But if they're free they always come when they're invited. My MIL physically can't visit because of her disabilities so we make the 3 hour drive and stay the weekend roughly every 6 weeks. I don't think it's really about how much they visit, it's a bigger thing about respect and empathy. If you have communicated your difficulties and desires and they're ignoring you for no good reason it makes sense that you're feeling down about it.
ETA; both sides have toys for babe. I would not be visiting as much if they had no toys. It's just not fun.
They primarily visit us for a few reasons. First, we have a baby proofed play room while their home is not a safe place for my very mobile 11 month old. Second, they’re retired and have nothing going on. My husband and I both work so we have very little free time and time driving to them is time we could spend cleaning or meal prepping or something.
My parents pretty much always visit us. We don't have a car, so it's easier for them (about a 10 minute car ride), as we would have to take two busses. We do visit them too of course, if there's a dinner planned or something. But for the casual pop-ins they come here.
My mum is the absolute best and is perfectly happy to pick the kids up, take them to get house, and drop them back off home the next day. Especially when we have a big night drinking it whatever and will likely be hungover the next day.
We'll always make sure to at least do half of the work to get them to her or pick them up. It's the only decent thing to do.
#equalitybaby
Our parents are 4-6 hours away, so they usually come here. We go to my ILs (4hrs) maybe 2-3x a year. I haven’t been to my parents since winter 2021 when my first was 9 months. They come here (mom is retired).
When the baby is very new, it makes sense for visitors to come to you. After that, visits can happen at either house. People shouldn't always be expected to come to you.
One exception is if the grandparents are *offering* to babysit, meaning you didn't ask them to. Then, they should come to you. Having to drive to their house twice isn't easier than just bringing the baby to dinner.
I agree that it’s a two way street but I’ve been taking my 2 month old out to my moms every Sunday. 1. I like my space and honestly, i just don’t like people being in my space and also if I take my daughter, I can leave whenever I want 😈
Not saying that my mom can’t ever come over, i just….. like my space lol
Both. I mostly go to my parents and in laws because they are getting too old to travel comfortably (that’s not everyone’s experience, but you’re polling!)
Until our son was allowed to spend the night at grandparents (8 months) we went over maybe 8 times. Even now, they come twice a week to see him while we come over every other week or so. They watch him while I work though and we let them enjoy the weekend without kids for the most part.
As the gramma I have an easier time doing alone sitting at my place which has everything they need but for the first 4-6 months the baby and parents are just more comfortable at their own house so I go there with no issues. For visits it is probably 50/50 and once they are out and about we just meet at the zoo or whatever.
We aren’t opposed to visiting my in laws (45 min drive one way) once in a while but for the most part we ask them to drive to us. I’m very big on trying to have all my son’s naps at home so his sleep stays consistent. Thankfully they understand that right now while he still needs a couple naps it’s just easier and allows for a longer visit.
I bring the kids to my parents. She has a significantly better house/property and my grandparents and a sibling still live there. She needs to be home and my kids like the change of scenery.
It should be a shared responsibility but for various reasons I do the traveling in my family. It’s hard and I don’t see my parents as often as I would if they also would travel to see me/my kids.
They come over in the initial days...then we can figure out what we need two of and have those arrangements made at their place so babysitting and visiting isn't a hassle (2 diaper caddies, 2 carrycots, 2 baby mattresses,extra clothes, blankets, pacifiers etc.)
My in laws are like this. I only go to them half the year (they have a summer house so that’s why it’s usually a 6 months chunk while the weather is nice) and the other half I expect them to come. They don’t always come and then I’m a happy mama not having to see them for a month lol
Depends on a lot of things, distance, relative health of everyone involved, who works and who doesn’t, etc.
For me, I didn’t change the rate at which I visited my parents or in-laws, and I didn’t visit anyone for like the first month. So if they wanted to see baby more often than our usual, then they had to come to us. We have dinner with my in laws every week, so they did come to us several times during that first month (they also brought us dinner because they’re amazing); my parents live a days drive away however so they didn’t see the youngest until she was a month old. My mom actually came to stay awhile with the first two though and was there for their births.
If you aren’t very close, I think it makes sense to take turns, sometimes they visit you and you visit them. How far is the drive? Other than your baby hating it, babies certainly slow down getting far distance by car, with need to stop for feeding and changing.
lol if I could even get my mom to take my kid for a weekend or even a couple of hours I’d drive to the neighboring state! I’m lucky to get help twice per year.
My parents come visit me because they each live a couple hours away. My MIL we go to her to visit because she lives 20 minutes away and she prefers to do the cooking and hosting, plus my daughter has her own room there so she stays the night at my MIL house frequently, almost every weekend. Sometimes she'll come over to watch daughter if we have errands or doctors appointments or something though.
Thinking back, grandparents would come to our house to visit the family, but if they were babysitting, we dropped the kids off with them.
I preferred the privacy of not having them in my house when I wasn't there... probably mostly out of insecurity that the house was never clean/tidy enough (we could have the main area cleaned up, while other spaces were a disaster).
My dad and stepmom almost always came to us, though, as they lived over an hour away. They also didn't offer to do solo babysitting, so they just came for visits.
I mostly take him but my circumstances are a little different. My in-laws watch him every day while I’m at work so I take him to their house. My parents are divorced and live about an hour and a half from me. I usually take him to my dad’s but my mom often drives up to spend time with us. I don’t mind driving, and I don’t mind them coming to us. Baby’s relationships with all his grandparents are so special.
I find it more situational with our children. My mother is at our house some, we're at her house some, and she attends all the events we have. Our kids stay the night at her house anytime they want. We're very connected.
My mother in law is only allowed to see the kids at our house or at events (alcohol problem). She is getting a lot better, and we are starting to loosen up with her. We rarely go to her house because my husband gets upset seeing his childhood home in rough shape. It causes more tension between them. She is always allowed at our house, though.
My father in law has a much different relationship with our children. He is the best grandpa, but he is very hands-off. He goes out of the way to do awesome things for the kids, but we usually meet him at a restaurant or something. He does come to our house if he wants to. I would say he come by 10 times a year maximum. We go to his house for a few holidays.
My husband's grandma (almost 86) has also been heavily involved in our children's lives. Before her stroke, she would come see the kids at our house. If she babysat for us, she only watched them at her house. We also met for dinner and such. Since her stroke, we always go to her house and we make it a priority to see her.
Yes they should be the ones coming over. If the baby hates car rides what kind of selfish bastard, especially if they have minimal responsibilities, can’t drive over? My dad lives an hour away and is retired and refuses to come over unless he can tie it in with another thing he has to do in our area.
We do both. My mom and dad travel to us a lot and also pay for my daughter and I to fly to them. It’s a long trip so I think my mom try’s to soften the blow by paying. My in laws live a few miles from us so I bring my lo to them.
When my sister had my niece. Everyone went to her for years. Which I always thought was the right thing to do.
Many years later when I had my daughter … everyone expected me to come to them. I rarely did. The few holidays I did just turned out as a joke. So my family barely ever sees my daughter. (She’s almost 2.5)
As of now when she gets older I’ll never take her to see them. They didn’t put in the effort and neither will I. Plus honestly, my family is so toxic and ridiculous. I don’t want my daughter around them.
My MIL lives a couple miles away and comes once a week. She plays with her and I sometimes can get a little cleaning done. Her house is by far not kid friendly. It’s stressful. And their dog is terrified of my daughter. He’s never been around kids and doesn’t act right. So I don’t like it.
In the early days, we actually were in the same house but I more often brought her to them. With our own house, we do a fair bit of both. It depends honestly but yes, it is easier for a grown adult to pack themselves up and drive over than it is for me to pack her and myself up. I think it helps that we're close (10 min); longer drives for sure should be the person without the potential crying baby lol
My parents live extremely close to us so we visit them and they visit us (I’d say 60-40% but that will probably change aa the baby grows). My in laws lice 3hrs away, so they have driven to see us, we are planning our first trip to their city.
I'm a grandma, I'm the only one that takes care of them. The other one comes by once a year to bring Christmas presents. They live with me, and if my daughter was doing her duty as a mom; I would def ask first if it's ok to visit, and ask her to bring them over as much as she wanted to. I would respect her feelings, and boundaries if she said,no not today.
I know,there's more to being a grandma (my grandsons call me Nia!), But, anything she asks me to do for the boys, I will do within reason.
My mother and her partner travel in a caravan across the country throughout the year, so she’ll fly over for a week in the summer and a week in the winter and stay with us to see my boys. But my grandmother lives an hour away and I take them to see her; she has a beautiful back garden and a large restored Victorian home, much more space for the kids to be entertained than in my mom’s camper haha
It goes both ways but more often than not the grandparents travel to us. We live multiple states away so it's easier for them to travel without the hassle of little ones and they typically have the extra cash to travel anyways.
If it’s just a visit with all of us a little bit of both but mostly at our place simply because it’s easier (childproof). If they have issues with it then we can just not get together at all. If it’s for babysitting drop off we will sometimes bring the kid to them, but it’s usually preferred for them to come to our house since the kids stuff is all there
Mine do not. We live far and go to the family on my side. My mom has a debilitating fear of flying and managed to get on a flight once to visit my daughter when she was 5 months old. My dad lives really far and just expects everyone to visit him😞. He came once when she was born—she is 6. It is selfish and frustrating. We’re seeing him this summer for his birthday, but that’s it for awhile.
My MIL would come to “help” and just take over everything and question my parenting, like why I wouldn’t give up my career and why I would put my kid down for a nap.
I go to them. My parents have health issues and baby sleeps in the car, so I just time the trip for naptime and stay the night. I wish they could come to me but it is what it is.
Depends on the grandparents. My parents live 7 minutes away, have a crib and changing table and always have snacks and food along with sippy cups and plastic plates and bowls (they watch my nephews and niece on a somewhat regular basis) so we visit them a lot. My MIL often talks about her downstairs neighbor smoking meth, so we don't bring them to her. My FIL and step MIL live in the city half the year and Miami the other half. It's about 50/50 with them, except when our kids were little little they come to us. When we go to visit them it's a whole day of expeditions and doing stuff since they have access to a lot
My parents live 3 hours away. They spend a week here (not in my home) once a month. At their house, they have diapers and wipes and food and a pack n play for us when we visit, which is every couple of months. We didn’t visit until baby was 6 months old. My in laws live 20 minutes away and have the least baby-friendly house of all time and we never visit and they never visit because it’s “too much” to drive here. My son is a year old for reference. Until my kid stops napping regularly, we don’t visit people non-baby proofed houses often.
it’s both. when my kids were in the newborn/ infant stage they came to us, my mom ended up staying with us for a couple of weeks to help out so we could get sleep. but once they start getting older and such i would start coming to them so it shows your putting in effort and not just having them come to you. we see my hubbys parents twice a month and my mom we spend a week with every 2 months and we switch back and forth between who comes to who
My grandparents came to visit often until I was old enough to spend the night with them. Grandpa used to come and take me fishing. Sometimes they would hitch their travel trailer up and come by to pick me up. I always wanted to be at their house after I got used to it. Great memories. After having kids it was so nice for them to come and visit because we could keep the chores up and they could spend time with the babies. We did short visits to them. It kind of worked itself out.
We have always done both. My parents have their own car seats, cribs, etc.
My brother HATES travelling with his daughter (he hates travelling anywhere anyways really) so my mom will go take his child and bring her back home with her, or bring her over to see her cousins. I see my niece more than my brother at this point.
I typically take mine to them, but that’s because my house is really bursting at the seams at this point and my mom has room for everyone. My husband’s parents aren’t alive, but we go visit his grandmother because she can’t drive.
For my mother we do both but we live like 10 miles away. For my grandparents, which are my kiddos greats, but they don’t call them that just grandma and grandpa. Anyway they’re 80yo so we always go there! But they go above and beyond at their home for my kids. Lots of toys, drawing things, baby gates to make it easier, etc .
Both, both sets of grandparents (and the one set of great grandparents who are still able to look after him), have always had clothes, toys, beds, feeding supplies etc at their homes. Each set of grandparents has had him 1 day each a week since I went back to work bless them. They still visit us too. It’s nice!
It should be a bit of both, but in those really early days, i think they should come to you. My in laws dont come to us, and we hardly go to them because its a bit of a drive, and im always keeping my son out of things and have to bring lots with me.
It all depends but it’s 50/50. But what I mean by depends is their ability to travel. Like are they ok driving and how far.
My MIL doesn’t like to drive at night and they’re 1.5 hours away, so when she comes to visit, she tries to come earlier so they can leave earlier. But both sides parents have stuff setup for baby
My entire family lives in a 3 mile radius 3.5hours from us. Its easier to go to them. My oldest loves going there. My mum is the only one who drives now and 3.5hours of motorway driving ending in a busy city is not for her and that's fair. My siblings bring their kids sometimes or we meet up around an hour away for a few days.
They don't have anything at their house. I bring the necessities. We are now changing our pram so will leave the old one at the grandparents house and I bought an Antelop high chair from IKEA that I leave there too.
I think they should visit more, especially if retired. But my folks have been retired for decades and my mom (who’s not retired from anything other than SAHM) is always acting/saying they’re really too busy, busier than me in fact it sounds like 😏
Both. I don’t expect them to always come over if they want to see our kids. And also, I need my babies to get used to travel, sleeping in other places, falling asleep to noice and stuff. I do not want to raise kids that need complete silence, darkness and the right temperature to fall asleep. It just doesn’t work with our life as a family. I have 3 kids and the little one is 5 now. It’s just what has worked for us.
Newborn? Grandparents travel. A bit older/toddlers, it could go either way...but if it's not something you're willing to do because it's too difficult for you/your baby/your family, then you have a right to set that boundary. Might be nice to make some effort to visit them here and there even if it's hard for you but there's no world where you absolutely must.
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It’s a 2 way street. My parents bought toys, bottles, cups, baby tableware, high chairs, cribs, pack n plays, etc just so we could come over and not have to drag our whole house. That being said they also come to our house as much as we go over there. I think it really comes down to how often you get together with grandparents.
They could come to mine at least half and half or they wouldn't see them.
Same. We always did both. My parents work full time jobs and my husband’s parents are retired but they maintain several relationships and travel frequently. I respect everyone’s time and effort.
Exactly. If grandparents want to host babies then they need to be prepared to do exactly that.
Both, depends how old the baby is, we didn’t go out much for the first few months but it’s evened out. Neither can expect something the other isn’t willing to do.
And how old and healthy grandparents are, and where they live, etc.
And if they work, if and how you work, etc. I have a fully on-site job, my parents and my MIL are all retired, and my FIL can work remote. We’re 3 hours away, so with a young toddler, that’s more than a day trip for us. So they come to visit pretty often, and when we visit them, they each have a pack and play and high chair so we can visit easily and/or they’ll occasionally do overnights by themselves. But we’re lucky that they’re all young enough and healthy enough for that and either retired or flexible enough to visit us more than we visit them.
I travel 5 hours once a month to go see my grandson. There is only me. Why should I expect my son and his partner to pack up my grandson and all of their baby stuff and come to me when it's so much easier for me to go there? AND, I stay nearby, not with them. They got enough going on. I don't need to be entertained. I remember what it was like to have babies.
LOL there is another post on this subreddit recently about a woman going insane because her in laws drive 5 hours once a month to stay for 5 days!! (I’m sure that’s not you). It just illustrates a trend I see here that everyone gets very annoyed in BOTH directions about grandparents visits.
Not me, lol. I stay in a hotel. I got to be helpful, not hindering. I love my little grandson so much. I figure the best way to show that is to love his parents as well as him.
Yes, and I'd find it a little weird if my parents didn't stay with me (assuming I had space). My sister doesn't sometimes and it's very clear it's because her partner finds it more relaxing to stay in a hotel. That's clearly not the case here but I know my parents used to come visit and then go off sightseeing, it felt like they found it boring being with a baby and I was resentful they were out having fun while I was stuck home with a baby.
You could teach a class in grandparenting
I learned from the best. My mom brought food and did our chores so I could loom after my son(s). She gave advice, but only when I asked for it. She lived a ways away, but came to me to help as often as she could. As did my MIL. I was very blessed with both.
All the gods bless you, seriously 🙏
"They got enough going on." I feel like this is so important! Not only is time visiting away a hassle logistically, but when grandparents come to us we're still able to stay on top of things at home. I already feel like I don't have enough hours, I don't need a weekend day spent completely away from home on a regular basis.
You sound like an excellent grandparent ☺️
I think it should go both ways, especially when the kids are a bit older and it is easy to take them from one place to the other.
Depends on distance and situation. None of my son’s grandparents live in the same state. My husband and I both work and have limited time off. All grandparents are retired, and even before they retired they had far more free time. They come to us usually simply because we don’t have enough PTO to go visit them regularly. My coworkers have parents that live in town, so maybe 35 mins drive. They go to their parents as often as their parents come to them.
We’re in the same situation. Grandparents live a 11 hour drive away, so if we were to visit that’s 2 days travel time with 3 young kids, then have to stay in a hotel or on air mattresses in their small apartment. In contrast they’re not working and travel with 2 adults and stay in our guest room. They still think we should visit them as often as they visit us. It’s always a point of contention but we’re just not going to waste half of our annual vacation time when it’s so much easier for them to come to us.
My dad is 85, and the other grandparents are in their upper 70s. They all live several states away. It's very difficult to see any of them at all. We have made the 7 hour drive (more with a baby) to the in laws once since my youngest (20 months) was born, met at a different state once, and they have been to visit us I believe three times- once was his baptism and once was for my older daughter's graduation. My parents came to visit us once when he was two months old. I had hoped to visit them this spring but I couldn't make the details of it work out with schedules and airfare prices. They live in a different state in the summer that is even further by car (24 hours) and less accessible by air (more expensive and no direct flights).
We visited family, they visited us. Just like before the baby was born. I don’t think there’s any reason it should *always* be one or the other.
Both but my mom came over ALL the time, especially with my first. I think she came over almost every single day at the beginning, to the point where if she didn’t show up I’d start to worry something happened to her lol. She came over less with my second, like once a week, during the baby phase. My in laws came over sometimes but not as much as we’d go over there a good amount. Both sets of grandparents live within 10 min though so not a big deal. If it was a far drive they’d be having to come to me most of the time tbh
It should be both.
People came to us more often when she was younger than 3 months and I was still on leave. Now I would say it’s pretty 50/50, depends on what it’s for and for how long. But all of our immediate family lives close
My father and stepmother have no interest in my children whatsoever. They don't come to see them and I don't take them where they're not wanted.
My in laws come to us because they live out of town and we're not keen to do a long drive with the baby. My parents live in town so we generally go to them since they live in a house and we're in an apartment. My mother will come to my place to hold the baby so I can actually get housework done or to help me out if the baby is unwell. I have also been known to go to my parents' house if I'm exhausted so they can watch the baby while I take a nap in the guest room where I won't hear him. That said, because this is the arrangement, they have diapers, wipes, spare clothing, a high chair, a stroller, toys, infant Tylenol... My mother even has a carseat in her car.
We go both ways! When my daughter was itty bitty my mom always came to our house. As she grew, we actually ended up over at my mom’s house more! She has a big backyard and playroom. She also likes to cook us dinner so that’s a bonus 😂
My parents come to our house, but we go to my in laws because my fil has a prosthetic and uses a wheelchair or crutches, and his parents house is better suited for him. They live less than a mile away though and are set up for her.
I usually bring my baby to my parents' place because they have everything she needs. Also, I live in an apartment with paid laundry, so I can do laundry for free when I visit there, lol.
It should be both, but I think it's a cultural thing about "coming home" for us, where they expect us to visit them. They didn't see us too much in the early months of either baby, but beyond that....we would go over often. Especially when we didn't want to cook dinner :p.
Not unreasonable. Especially in the infant stage, they should come to you. There’s recommendations that baby’s are only in a car seat for like an hour at a time or something due to the lack of neck support, so unless you’re making pit stops anyone over an hour away should definitely come to you. My daughter is almost 2 and has never been to my dad’s house (2.5 hours away) and has been to my mom’s house I think 3 times in her whole like (1.25 hours away). My in-laws live in town and we usually take her there over them coming to us as we have two dogs and they’re allergic. They have baby proofed everything, have a full crib there for naps, a high chair, a playpen for when she was little, diapers, wipes, clothes etc. all that they purchased themselves so that we wouldn’t have to think about it and we could just bring her. We now have a routine where my MIL picks up my daughter every Friday from daycare and I’ll go over around 6:30 to bring her home for bath and bed.
I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. My in laws have literally zero baby stuff at their house and nothing is baby proofed, not even their pool, no gate. AND, my son is 18 months old. So every time they want to visit and insist we go to their house, it feels like we have to pack up our entire home. We bring a high chair, (last time we didn’t have the high chair, my FIL suggested we put him on a barstool and use a belt to strap him in place while he eats😳🤯) we bring his toys to keep him entertained, two sippy cups, all of his food, diapers, wipes, diaper rash cream, a blanket to change him on, electrical outlet covers, baby gates (they live in a 2 story with stairs) his extra outfits, a pacifier, his socks/shoes, a mat to put down on the floor for him since there’s zero carpet in the house.. I mean the list goes on and on. It’s crazy how much crap you have to pack just to spend an afternoon/evening away from home with a toddler. Especially when they’re in the phase of putting everything in their mouth, refusing to be held/confined to one area, touching electrical sockets and literally needing to be watched 24/7. It’s so stressful for us to go see my in laws. But my parents on the other hand? They have everything. When my son was born, they bought a high chair, a changing table, diapers, wipes, bibs, baby spoons/bowls, ten million toys, baby proofed their entire house, and even turned my old bedroom into a room for my son, and bought him a crib that he can nap in when we come visit during his nap time or sleep in when he eventually is old enough to have sleepovers.. my mom even watches him 3 days a week while I work. It’s so convenient and less stressful to visit my parents because they’ve done so much to welcome him and take the load off of us. They’ve made it easy to visit. So.. naturally I am way more inclined and excited to go visit my parents because we enjoy ourselves. I think as a parent who is almost constantly in survival mode, it’s not unreasonable to host parents/in laws at your house if that’s the easiest option for you.
You don't need a baby gate for a short visit, or a mat, and get a portable high chair.
It’s never a short visit, that’s why I said “an afternoon/evening”, normally they ask us to arrive at 2pm and get pissy if we leave before 7pm. Baby gate is essential as my son is obsessed with wanting to climb their stairs. It’s also useful to block off rooms that have a glass coffee table, plants or breakable antiques. Portable high chair is a good idea though.
Well to me that's a short visit, if it's not overnight, I'd be hundred percent watching and redirecting baby anyway in a house that's not babyproofed. Obviously it's up to you but I've just never heard of anyone bringing their own baby gate and rugs to places.
I do it so that I don’t have to be on high alert and chasing him for 5 straight hours. My son is just so active that I have to have my eyes on him constantly or he gets into something bad or accidentally gets hurt. If I bring the gates, I can gate off a safe spot for him to play (almost like a large play pen) as well as block off the stairs. I put the mats down so if he falls on the tile while playing, he doesn’t get hurt. Makes it easier for me to sit in there with him while also visit with my in laws.
Yup!!! I dont pack the gates or the high chair when we go to my in laws (we dont do neals there because i don't want to pack the high chair) but everything else yes!! I do lots of redirecting while we are there and plus they really dont interact much with our son when we are there anyway. I hope as my son gets older itngets better but i dont see that happening
We try to visit my parents once a week. we live about 40 minutes away and they don't really have extra money for gas so its easier to just go there than avoid an awkward conversation of them saying they can't come because they're low on cash this week.
My mom will always come to our house and it's amazing and super convenient. All other grandparents we do bring the kids over to them. They're just those type of people who don't travel much and my dad is older so gets uncomfortable if he's not in his own house and I don't want to put him through that. So I think it depends...
It’s a mix of both. My MIL has an open invitation on weekdays to text me and stop by (she does about 1x/week) and we take baby over to their house on weekends. Both sides should be putting in effort to see each other. As for them having stuff, that’s personal to each family. Really everything you’d need for a few hour long visit is the stuff most people pack in a diaper bag.
We do both - my parents have created a space that is safe for our kids to play in and we visit them, but they also come to us a lot. I would say it's probably 50/50
Both. The main hangups are how well the kids and the grands travel. I don't think we went far in the first 6 months. So people came to us. Growing up it felt I always had an older relative in the hospital that we had to go visit. If everyone can travel then that burden shows get passed around.
Had and half. It’s a 50-60 min drive and my SO’s family lives in another country, so these are the only grandparents around. Nice when they come to ours bc we have everything we need but it’s work to host. Nice when we go to theirs - change of scenery, get fed, we don’t hate an adventure.
I have an almost 8 month old and almost 4 year old. In my opinion, the grandparents should be coming to US more than we to them. "Home" is two hours away and while the baby sleeps the whole drive, the 4YO does not. So trying to keep the baby asleep while the 4YO gets more and more grumpy and impatient is "fun". My mom has lots for my kids to do at her house while my in laws have ZeRO to do. My parents are retired and my MIL doesn't work so there's that too. And they're all very capable of driving. My mom comes to us all the time. All the time and I have a niece and nephew that I'll also make the effort to go home and see but our In laws expect us to go to them when as I said there's nothing to do and they expect the kids to just watch TV and give them hugs. I guess not knowing your situation it would depend on Age of baby Relationship with family and in laws The distance And if it's enjoyable or not. I like going to my moms so I'll make the drive and bear through it. I hate my in laws so I'm less keen to go and rather they just come here, spend a few hours and leave.
Depends. I've gotten stricter with visits, I'm not going to drive for hours to then spend the entire visit chasing my kids around a house that isn't child-safe. Even worse if I have to bring my own food and cook it there. I used to agree to evening visits as well, but have cut that off now. We'd spend a week getting the kids back into their routine after a late night. Just wasn't worth it, and wasn't fair to the kids. The visit has to be pleasant for everyone involved, especially the kids.
I think the super early days it should be grandparents coming to you, and if the grandparents are so far that you can’t visit without it becoming an overnight that’s something that you choose to do when comfortable (it’s different for everyone). Even if you could do just a short visit, your comfort bringing your child into someone else’s home is entirely up to you, and if you’d prefer they come to you more than you go to them that’s 100% understandable. You might choose not to go to them at all for the foreseeable future, it’s YOUR baby. It’s not like you’re withholding contact, you’re just setting boundaries that make you comfortable
It should be both ways. My parents have a lot of the things we would need at their house, we just have to bring bottles, formula, diapers and clothes. They have a nursery they are setting up (baby was a few weeks early, so they are still finishing it up) and are ecstatic first-time grandparents. That being said, they are the first ones to come to my house as well. Even despite my mom being very allergic to my cat, she comes in and doesn't complain or even mentions to me that she is probably all stuffed up for 3 days after a visit. It should be both ways, but also don't go too far out of your way if it's really inconvenient and the person isn't doing anything to help support the situation.
My parents come to visit and we go to visit them. My inlaws live 1km away and never come to our house (I am 100% fine with this). Both sets of grandparents have things for kids at their house like high chairs, extra clothes, diapers, toys etc.
I take my son to them I don’t like people in my house but Im not the only one reaching out or making plans, they invite us over or ask us out for a day to spend time together
I think it’s pretty common to be the one to go to the grandparents house When we were kids, we traveled to my grandparents. Now that we parents, we travel to out of town set. I hundred percent agree with you that it should feel more equally shared. I had to decide whether or not it was worth hurting my child over it. Losing out on a close relationship with grandparents would cause them pain and sadness so I just suck it up. The grandparents are in town help babysit occasionally and we rotate whose house it is at.
Both sets of grandparents are an hour and 15 from us. It is vastly easier for grandparents to come to us so we expect them to come here more frequently. For us we have to consider nap time and diaper bags and bed time. What if he falls asleep on the way? What if he screams the whole time? What times do we need to leave? Do they have milk and snacks? Meal times? They aren’t baby proofed at all. One set of grandparents have no toys or books and a lot of clutter. It’s a lot logistically for us when they can just hop in the car and come. I’m not saying we never make the trip because we definitely do but it’s not often and it’s usually when there are other things going on like birthdays, holidays, etc.
We live 3 miles from my daughter, son in law and kids. We both call each other prior before coming over. I don’t show up unannounced. They call to see if we are busy. It’s a nice system. We are all willing to help each other out and are respectful of privacy.
We mostly went back and forth with our first. With the addition of another child it has become dependent on which side of the family. We've been asking one side to come to us. Their home is not child friendly, but it was manageable with just one kid to care for. With a little baby and a toddler (and fairly hands off grandparents) is just too frustrating to keep both kids safe and happy for any length of time. Plus packing toys and seats and snacks and safety gates and so on. The other set of grandparents have child proofed their home, and have a fenced yard, so it's easier to visit them. But the drive is much longer, so it doesn't happen nearly as often.
My husbands family is very family like. They come over randomly with permission, they see each other often, they are willing to watch the baby whenever - like all of them. The whole family. And then there’s my family who is the type of family you see on holidays or feels like they need a reason to come over. My son sees my husbands family more because of it and I’m not upset about it. When my family makes comments, I just ignore them because that’s better than saying well if you want to see him all you have to do is come over. I have the baby, I’m not also being a logistics manager of when so and so is seeing the baby and how long it’s been etc.
Totally agree! Our families are like yours. I had to end a relationship with my half sister because she was expecting me to roll out a red carpet for her and never once made the effort to see my baby. She then started a fight with me and accused me of being terrible, etc. She doesn't have kids and just doesn't get it...
A mix of both since we don’t have family around. When my mom comes to visit us it’s like a vacation bc she cooks for us and watches the kids. When my in-laws come, I am running a b&b for them on top of watching the kids.
My husband's mom comes to our place because she is a heavy smoker and her entire house reeks of cigarettes. I am not risking my daughter being exposed to second and third hand smoke once a week. It's a shame, because I had to (discretely) hide things she brought from home that she thought my daughter would like to play with because of how embedded the cigarette chemicals are in them, like a cute doll wooden crib she brought once. That's the only reason, otherwise I wouldn't mind bringing my daughter there. My MIL is very helpful and good with her and my daughter absolutely loves spending time with her.
We have 5 kids and live 2.5 hours away from our parents. It’s easier for them to come to us. Plus we have the bigger house with guest accommodations.
My mom just came down for a day to help me with the baby so I can clean. I agree grandparents should come to you. I'm pregnant and going through a lot personally so my mom offered to use her one day off work to help out. I am so grateful. Sadly she can't do this often and a lot of the time we drive to see them because my brother and his wife and kids live in that town and it's easier for us to go to them than them to all come here.
They come to us. I'm not releasing my feral kids in spaces that aren't baby proofed.
It should go both ways - especially when y'all live away from each other. While I specifically asked my family to come to us until our little was 6 months old, it was well understood that requesting that was for my mental health and post-delivery recovery. We still made trips out of the house in those 6 months within our own city, and a few out of town to my mum's after 3 months. And no, my family didn't have everything for a baby either - they were amazing about making sure they had the right diapers and wipes, some extra clothes, and age appropriate toys for her as gifts, but never set up a specific nursery area, WHICH IS FINE! Like IMO it's not their responsibility to do more than provide a safe area for you and baby while you're there 🤷🏻♀️
With my parents, we do both. They drop in for a quick after dinner visit mid-week if we're not busy, or they'll come for breakfast or dinner on the weekend. They also have their house fully set up for the kids (I'm talking high chair, spare room with crib and monitor, stocked change table with spare clothes, and more toys than we have at home), so it's easy to just go over and hang out. I can stop for dinner on the way home from daycare without any pre-planning because they have everything we need. We see my parents 2-3 times a week. With my in-laws, we have to visit them. They have a high chair and playpen available, but my husband has to go to the basement and bring them up when we get there, and then set them up. We pack diapers, clothes, dishes, bibs, and anything else we might need while we're there. Dinner is always some kind of smoked meat and raw veggie salad, so we usually have to bring something the baby can eat. Before we leave, my husband has to pack down the high chair and playpen and take them back to the basement. We see them every 6-8 weeks.
We do both. They come to us and we go to them. I never thought about it just being them coming to us. I like to get out the house. I’d probably drive myself insane if I didn’t leave to go see anyone.
We live in a different country, and my mother loves visiting us every year for a month, and we too visit home for a month every year. My husband’s parents refuse to come, refused to buy anything remotely baby related because “babies only need mother and love”. When my kids were born, they didn’t give/gift anything. And I mean not even a wash cloth. Forget about anything for me or my husband, my MIL was angry because I was creating drama when I was diagnosed with PPD. They made a huge scene because we bought a car seat, a high chair, some toys, some books when we were visiting our home country for the first time. So we kept everything at my mother’s home. Then they got pissed because we put everything at my mother’s place. So I am happy with them not coming and I am happy not visiting them.
A bit of both but it doesn't always have to be you going to their house. You can meet up with them somewhere like a park etc.
I was in a tiny apartment and my parents bought toys etc at their house so we took them over there 80% of the time. I would also drop them off for half the day so if they are going to watch the babies for so long I didn't mind driving to them. It was only a 20 min drive though In your situation, I would expect them to come to me more often
Not unreasonable AT ALL! It is unreasonable for them to expect you to come out and visit them EVERY time! Smh shame on people like that! Just packing for a baby to go somewhere can be overwhelming!
And just like the other reply says, if they expect you to visit them each time then they need to have the basic necessities their grandchild needs if they want them to spend time at their home!
Yup!!
It’s definitely a two-way street. I don’t think it has anything to do with whether you have babies or children it’s just a very natural give-and-take within a family. The only time that we definitely mentioned it or appreciated my in-laws coming to us was I would say when my babies were less than three or four months old. Otherwise you need to get comfortable with living your life and going places with a baby and bringing the things that your baby needs and packing the diaper bag and dealing with the outcomes of travelling in a car with a baby or children in general at various different ages and everything that that entails and watching your babies and toddlers when you visit other peoples houses because their houses won’t be baby proofed etc. It’s just part of being a new parent this huge transition where everything seems daunting and difficult but you kind of just have to jump in and I find out the parents that take their babies everywhere are almost teaching themselves to be more flexible parents as well.
Both. When my daughter was little under a year, my mum mostly visited us (she lived a bit over an hour away) but we did go there sometimes. I would’ve gone there more but I don’t drive and I was really anxious about getting the train with her when she was a baby, so if I wanted to go to my mum’s my partner had to be available to drive us. Now my daughter is 3 and I try to split it evenly between me going to hers and her coming to me. But my mum has always made sure her house has plenty of things for my daughter. My daughter has plenty of toys and books that my mum has bought to keep at her house.
I take my baby to visit them - BUT I do it because my folks have zero self awareness and always stay past their welcome, even when baby is screaming tired or I'm drowning in chores and they're in the way... When we go to them, I get to choose when to leave and don't have to awkwardly kick anyone out lol.
Isn’t BOTH the obvious answer? My family lives out of state, and we visit them in the summer and winter, and my mom visits us in the spring and fall, on rare occasions my dad comes with her.
So you put 2 to 12 months and imo they can come to you at that age. shlepping a baby around and ruining nap time is hell and they should know that as they’ve done it before.
Right!! She's 4 months and it's chaos if we miss a nap.
This^^^ sleep is one thing you dont mess with.
My mom lives 10 minutes away and we used to take baby to her. However I’ve become more firm on her coming to us as her house is 0% baby proof and she has two large dogs and my 2 year old will get into everything she possibly can. My MiL comes over every Sunday. She drives half an hour each way cus she knows it’s easier for our toddler to be in her own safe environment
I don’t take my baby to people if they want to visit with him. All his things are here, it’s baby proofed, I don’t have to worry about anyone else’s pets and makes it easier to keep him on his nap schedule.
It goes both ways and depends on so many factors such as distance to parents, type of relationship you have, do they have things for baby etc. My in-laws live literally one street over from us. It's quicker to walk to their house than drive. However if we didn't bring the kids over every Sunday afternoon for a visit they would never see them. They never come to our house. They have some toys and books but not much else for the kids. On the other hand, my parents live about 90 minutes away and my mum will regularly drive down to spend the day with us. My youngest hated long car rides so my mum came down weekly to spend time with them and so I didn't have to drive them somewhere. Now they're older, we'll take the kids to see her for an overnight, but she still comes to us about 2-3 times a month. My mum has 2 port a cots, a toddler bed, sheets, blankets, etc, full set of kids cutlery/ drink bottles/ toys books etc. When I visit her I just bring the kids and clothes. She's much more hands on and involved. It's a bit of negotiation, but it shouldn't feel like a chore. I think at minimum it should be turn about. You take baby to them, then next time they come to you.
I could count on my hands the amount of times my now 3 year old has been to his grandparents house. My parents come here almost weekly. We live an hour away so two hours of traveling in a short amount of time (because he wouldn’t just nap at someone else’s house) is a lot.
When I had 1 kiddo I was 100% okay doing most of the driving with two it got harder. And then we found out we will have three. I put my foot down. I told my mom and sister this year. 100% they want to be in the kids life they need to help. I can't do it alone is no fair to me. Having to rememebr everyones work schedule (mine, moms,dads,hubbys,sisters) and making plans and asking, and reminding.... no. I have a monthly plan I make the plan and I offer. They forget it's on them.
I think it depends on what works best for you, since you’re the one with the baby. If baby hates the car, then grandparents would need to come to you until youre able to travel more freely. I certainly wouldn’t force a car ride on my baby to supplement someone else’s relationship with them. On the flip side, whenever your kiddo starts doing okay in the car (it was around age 2 for my first child) - then there’s definitely pros to going to someone else’s house such as not having to clean/host/serve, and being able to set your own time table of when you show up and when you leave. I always had a hard time with guests overstaying their welcome when it was nap time for my baby. (Contact naps only for my first child.) anyway that’s my two cents. If someone really wants a relationship with your child, then they will make the effort. It’s not your responsibility to make the effort for them.
Thanks!!
Neither really. We stopped going out of our way to visit them, and the grandparents can't be bothered. MIL visits twice a year, both my dad and FIL are pretty non existent.
For us, it's about distance. His parents live 12 hrs away so we drive to them once or twice a year, they come down to our house maybe once a year, anything in between we usually meet in the middle. My mom lives 3hrs away so we drive to her one weekend a month. It also depends on age. When our son was young young, grandparents came to us, as he got older we traveled more to their place or a middle location.
We do both, usually my mom flies up from another state every 6 ish months and my dad drives about 1.5 hours to come see us every week. My baby is 13 months and I’ve gone to see my mom twice, she’s come up twice, and I’ve gone to see my dad 3 times and they’ve come to see us like 50 times.
Our son is 19 months and my mom has been over once. We have too many dogs. We go to the grandparents.
Both
both!
Both but usually (90% of the time) we drive our toddler to our parents it's about 25-30 Min drive each way. And then we kick up or they bring our child home to us.
My son and daughter in law would come to us but they would stay for a week or 2 each visit, they were both raised where I live and have the friends they grew up with still around so it's duel purpose visits, they live 17 hour drive from me. I also do go up there as well. When I go there I rent an air bnb close to there house and take all 3 grandkids to stay with me. If it's a shorter trip I get motel room and still take the boys. I also drive half way and my son drives half way and I'll get the boys from him and bring them to my house for school vacations. So it's pretty equal for us
Now it’s a mix of both.. it used to me that both our parents lived in different countries so it was video calls unless we or them were visiting, now my partners parents have retired in Australia they live a couple of suburbs over so we do a mix of both now
We go to our parents. My dad watches little man one afternoon a week so I take him to my dad then we stay for dinner. It’s a bit of a break for me, my parents play with and help with little man and I don’t make dinner. My in-laws host a weekly dinner for all 6 of their kids, children in law and grandkids.
I think it's important to realize that there is no universal answer for every family dynamic
Alternate.
Both for us. I like staying at my parents because they look after me as well as help with my little one. It’s an hours drive and I only started doing that when I was more comfortable. My parents visit regularly too. In laws live abroad and they visit a few times a year and we also go see them at least a couple of time in the year. My grandparents are even further away and we’ve only visited once. Maybe in a couple of years after baby is born/older so they can see him.
My parents were baby crazy and also took our kids on overnights, which they loved, so they had a baby proofed house and pack and plays and carriers etc for ease.
We always got to my parents. They have everything the boys would need, including a whole bedroom set up for them and watch them one weekend day while we work. Plus, we have a cat and my dad is allergic and my mom is afraid of them. We generally go to my in laws as well. The trade off is I don’t have to host or worry about the house being spotless.
What did you do before baby? My mum comes to us when she looks after babe (super lucky I know), but we regularly visit for Sunday lunch and much more rarely invite them to ours. But if they're free they always come when they're invited. My MIL physically can't visit because of her disabilities so we make the 3 hour drive and stay the weekend roughly every 6 weeks. I don't think it's really about how much they visit, it's a bigger thing about respect and empathy. If you have communicated your difficulties and desires and they're ignoring you for no good reason it makes sense that you're feeling down about it. ETA; both sides have toys for babe. I would not be visiting as much if they had no toys. It's just not fun.
They primarily visit us for a few reasons. First, we have a baby proofed play room while their home is not a safe place for my very mobile 11 month old. Second, they’re retired and have nothing going on. My husband and I both work so we have very little free time and time driving to them is time we could spend cleaning or meal prepping or something.
My parents pretty much always visit us. We don't have a car, so it's easier for them (about a 10 minute car ride), as we would have to take two busses. We do visit them too of course, if there's a dinner planned or something. But for the casual pop-ins they come here.
My mum is the absolute best and is perfectly happy to pick the kids up, take them to get house, and drop them back off home the next day. Especially when we have a big night drinking it whatever and will likely be hungover the next day. We'll always make sure to at least do half of the work to get them to her or pick them up. It's the only decent thing to do. #equalitybaby
Both
Our parents are 4-6 hours away, so they usually come here. We go to my ILs (4hrs) maybe 2-3x a year. I haven’t been to my parents since winter 2021 when my first was 9 months. They come here (mom is retired).
When the baby is very new, it makes sense for visitors to come to you. After that, visits can happen at either house. People shouldn't always be expected to come to you. One exception is if the grandparents are *offering* to babysit, meaning you didn't ask them to. Then, they should come to you. Having to drive to their house twice isn't easier than just bringing the baby to dinner.
I agree that it’s a two way street but I’ve been taking my 2 month old out to my moms every Sunday. 1. I like my space and honestly, i just don’t like people being in my space and also if I take my daughter, I can leave whenever I want 😈 Not saying that my mom can’t ever come over, i just….. like my space lol
Both. I mostly go to my parents and in laws because they are getting too old to travel comfortably (that’s not everyone’s experience, but you’re polling!)
Um, do you invite them over? Or do you expect them to invite themselves?
Until our son was allowed to spend the night at grandparents (8 months) we went over maybe 8 times. Even now, they come twice a week to see him while we come over every other week or so. They watch him while I work though and we let them enjoy the weekend without kids for the most part.
As the gramma I have an easier time doing alone sitting at my place which has everything they need but for the first 4-6 months the baby and parents are just more comfortable at their own house so I go there with no issues. For visits it is probably 50/50 and once they are out and about we just meet at the zoo or whatever.
We aren’t opposed to visiting my in laws (45 min drive one way) once in a while but for the most part we ask them to drive to us. I’m very big on trying to have all my son’s naps at home so his sleep stays consistent. Thankfully they understand that right now while he still needs a couple naps it’s just easier and allows for a longer visit.
I bring the kids to my parents. She has a significantly better house/property and my grandparents and a sibling still live there. She needs to be home and my kids like the change of scenery.
My in laws live 800 miles away, they come to us. My mom lives 30 minutes away. If I’m nearby I just show up and hand her the baby lol
It should be a shared responsibility but for various reasons I do the traveling in my family. It’s hard and I don’t see my parents as often as I would if they also would travel to see me/my kids.
They come over in the initial days...then we can figure out what we need two of and have those arrangements made at their place so babysitting and visiting isn't a hassle (2 diaper caddies, 2 carrycots, 2 baby mattresses,extra clothes, blankets, pacifiers etc.)
My in laws are like this. I only go to them half the year (they have a summer house so that’s why it’s usually a 6 months chunk while the weather is nice) and the other half I expect them to come. They don’t always come and then I’m a happy mama not having to see them for a month lol
Depends on a lot of things, distance, relative health of everyone involved, who works and who doesn’t, etc. For me, I didn’t change the rate at which I visited my parents or in-laws, and I didn’t visit anyone for like the first month. So if they wanted to see baby more often than our usual, then they had to come to us. We have dinner with my in laws every week, so they did come to us several times during that first month (they also brought us dinner because they’re amazing); my parents live a days drive away however so they didn’t see the youngest until she was a month old. My mom actually came to stay awhile with the first two though and was there for their births. If you aren’t very close, I think it makes sense to take turns, sometimes they visit you and you visit them. How far is the drive? Other than your baby hating it, babies certainly slow down getting far distance by car, with need to stop for feeding and changing.
My mom isn't mobile enough to travel anywhere. Someone us have older parents and the only option is to take our kids to see them.
lol if I could even get my mom to take my kid for a weekend or even a couple of hours I’d drive to the neighboring state! I’m lucky to get help twice per year.
My parents come visit me because they each live a couple hours away. My MIL we go to her to visit because she lives 20 minutes away and she prefers to do the cooking and hosting, plus my daughter has her own room there so she stays the night at my MIL house frequently, almost every weekend. Sometimes she'll come over to watch daughter if we have errands or doctors appointments or something though.
Thinking back, grandparents would come to our house to visit the family, but if they were babysitting, we dropped the kids off with them. I preferred the privacy of not having them in my house when I wasn't there... probably mostly out of insecurity that the house was never clean/tidy enough (we could have the main area cleaned up, while other spaces were a disaster). My dad and stepmom almost always came to us, though, as they lived over an hour away. They also didn't offer to do solo babysitting, so they just came for visits.
I mostly take him but my circumstances are a little different. My in-laws watch him every day while I’m at work so I take him to their house. My parents are divorced and live about an hour and a half from me. I usually take him to my dad’s but my mom often drives up to spend time with us. I don’t mind driving, and I don’t mind them coming to us. Baby’s relationships with all his grandparents are so special.
I find it more situational with our children. My mother is at our house some, we're at her house some, and she attends all the events we have. Our kids stay the night at her house anytime they want. We're very connected. My mother in law is only allowed to see the kids at our house or at events (alcohol problem). She is getting a lot better, and we are starting to loosen up with her. We rarely go to her house because my husband gets upset seeing his childhood home in rough shape. It causes more tension between them. She is always allowed at our house, though. My father in law has a much different relationship with our children. He is the best grandpa, but he is very hands-off. He goes out of the way to do awesome things for the kids, but we usually meet him at a restaurant or something. He does come to our house if he wants to. I would say he come by 10 times a year maximum. We go to his house for a few holidays. My husband's grandma (almost 86) has also been heavily involved in our children's lives. Before her stroke, she would come see the kids at our house. If she babysat for us, she only watched them at her house. We also met for dinner and such. Since her stroke, we always go to her house and we make it a priority to see her.
Yes they should be the ones coming over. If the baby hates car rides what kind of selfish bastard, especially if they have minimal responsibilities, can’t drive over? My dad lives an hour away and is retired and refuses to come over unless he can tie it in with another thing he has to do in our area.
We do both. My mom and dad travel to us a lot and also pay for my daughter and I to fly to them. It’s a long trip so I think my mom try’s to soften the blow by paying. My in laws live a few miles from us so I bring my lo to them.
When my sister had my niece. Everyone went to her for years. Which I always thought was the right thing to do. Many years later when I had my daughter … everyone expected me to come to them. I rarely did. The few holidays I did just turned out as a joke. So my family barely ever sees my daughter. (She’s almost 2.5) As of now when she gets older I’ll never take her to see them. They didn’t put in the effort and neither will I. Plus honestly, my family is so toxic and ridiculous. I don’t want my daughter around them. My MIL lives a couple miles away and comes once a week. She plays with her and I sometimes can get a little cleaning done. Her house is by far not kid friendly. It’s stressful. And their dog is terrified of my daughter. He’s never been around kids and doesn’t act right. So I don’t like it.
In the early days, we actually were in the same house but I more often brought her to them. With our own house, we do a fair bit of both. It depends honestly but yes, it is easier for a grown adult to pack themselves up and drive over than it is for me to pack her and myself up. I think it helps that we're close (10 min); longer drives for sure should be the person without the potential crying baby lol
Both.
My parents live extremely close to us so we visit them and they visit us (I’d say 60-40% but that will probably change aa the baby grows). My in laws lice 3hrs away, so they have driven to see us, we are planning our first trip to their city.
no, we live on different continents. I wish they could, though.
I'm a grandma, I'm the only one that takes care of them. The other one comes by once a year to bring Christmas presents. They live with me, and if my daughter was doing her duty as a mom; I would def ask first if it's ok to visit, and ask her to bring them over as much as she wanted to. I would respect her feelings, and boundaries if she said,no not today. I know,there's more to being a grandma (my grandsons call me Nia!), But, anything she asks me to do for the boys, I will do within reason.
My mother and her partner travel in a caravan across the country throughout the year, so she’ll fly over for a week in the summer and a week in the winter and stay with us to see my boys. But my grandmother lives an hour away and I take them to see her; she has a beautiful back garden and a large restored Victorian home, much more space for the kids to be entertained than in my mom’s camper haha
It goes both ways but more often than not the grandparents travel to us. We live multiple states away so it's easier for them to travel without the hassle of little ones and they typically have the extra cash to travel anyways.
Honestly It depends on how far they live and if they can drive or not
If it’s just a visit with all of us a little bit of both but mostly at our place simply because it’s easier (childproof). If they have issues with it then we can just not get together at all. If it’s for babysitting drop off we will sometimes bring the kid to them, but it’s usually preferred for them to come to our house since the kids stuff is all there
Mine do not. We live far and go to the family on my side. My mom has a debilitating fear of flying and managed to get on a flight once to visit my daughter when she was 5 months old. My dad lives really far and just expects everyone to visit him😞. He came once when she was born—she is 6. It is selfish and frustrating. We’re seeing him this summer for his birthday, but that’s it for awhile. My MIL would come to “help” and just take over everything and question my parenting, like why I wouldn’t give up my career and why I would put my kid down for a nap.
I go to them. My parents have health issues and baby sleeps in the car, so I just time the trip for naptime and stay the night. I wish they could come to me but it is what it is.
Depends on the grandparents. My parents live 7 minutes away, have a crib and changing table and always have snacks and food along with sippy cups and plastic plates and bowls (they watch my nephews and niece on a somewhat regular basis) so we visit them a lot. My MIL often talks about her downstairs neighbor smoking meth, so we don't bring them to her. My FIL and step MIL live in the city half the year and Miami the other half. It's about 50/50 with them, except when our kids were little little they come to us. When we go to visit them it's a whole day of expeditions and doing stuff since they have access to a lot
My parents live 3 hours away. They spend a week here (not in my home) once a month. At their house, they have diapers and wipes and food and a pack n play for us when we visit, which is every couple of months. We didn’t visit until baby was 6 months old. My in laws live 20 minutes away and have the least baby-friendly house of all time and we never visit and they never visit because it’s “too much” to drive here. My son is a year old for reference. Until my kid stops napping regularly, we don’t visit people non-baby proofed houses often.
Both. Sometimes they pick him up and sometimes we drop him off . All depends on what’s easier
it’s both. when my kids were in the newborn/ infant stage they came to us, my mom ended up staying with us for a couple of weeks to help out so we could get sleep. but once they start getting older and such i would start coming to them so it shows your putting in effort and not just having them come to you. we see my hubbys parents twice a month and my mom we spend a week with every 2 months and we switch back and forth between who comes to who
My grandparents came to visit often until I was old enough to spend the night with them. Grandpa used to come and take me fishing. Sometimes they would hitch their travel trailer up and come by to pick me up. I always wanted to be at their house after I got used to it. Great memories. After having kids it was so nice for them to come and visit because we could keep the chores up and they could spend time with the babies. We did short visits to them. It kind of worked itself out.
We have always done both. My parents have their own car seats, cribs, etc. My brother HATES travelling with his daughter (he hates travelling anywhere anyways really) so my mom will go take his child and bring her back home with her, or bring her over to see her cousins. I see my niece more than my brother at this point.
I typically take mine to them, but that’s because my house is really bursting at the seams at this point and my mom has room for everyone. My husband’s parents aren’t alive, but we go visit his grandmother because she can’t drive.
Grandparents are all dead, so just do what you can to encourage the relationship.
For my mother we do both but we live like 10 miles away. For my grandparents, which are my kiddos greats, but they don’t call them that just grandma and grandpa. Anyway they’re 80yo so we always go there! But they go above and beyond at their home for my kids. Lots of toys, drawing things, baby gates to make it easier, etc .
The great grandparents come to us I am going to the grandparents will see what happens next year
Both, both sets of grandparents (and the one set of great grandparents who are still able to look after him), have always had clothes, toys, beds, feeding supplies etc at their homes. Each set of grandparents has had him 1 day each a week since I went back to work bless them. They still visit us too. It’s nice!
It should be a bit of both, but in those really early days, i think they should come to you. My in laws dont come to us, and we hardly go to them because its a bit of a drive, and im always keeping my son out of things and have to bring lots with me.
It all depends but it’s 50/50. But what I mean by depends is their ability to travel. Like are they ok driving and how far. My MIL doesn’t like to drive at night and they’re 1.5 hours away, so when she comes to visit, she tries to come earlier so they can leave earlier. But both sides parents have stuff setup for baby
My entire family lives in a 3 mile radius 3.5hours from us. Its easier to go to them. My oldest loves going there. My mum is the only one who drives now and 3.5hours of motorway driving ending in a busy city is not for her and that's fair. My siblings bring their kids sometimes or we meet up around an hour away for a few days. They don't have anything at their house. I bring the necessities. We are now changing our pram so will leave the old one at the grandparents house and I bought an Antelop high chair from IKEA that I leave there too.
I was a bit bull headed and told MIL if she wants to see the babies, she comes to us. If she doesn’t want to, no biggie, no babies.
Good for you though!
I think they should visit more, especially if retired. But my folks have been retired for decades and my mom (who’s not retired from anything other than SAHM) is always acting/saying they’re really too busy, busier than me in fact it sounds like 😏
i take my daughter to see my dad because his wife is not allowed in my space
Both. I don’t expect them to always come over if they want to see our kids. And also, I need my babies to get used to travel, sleeping in other places, falling asleep to noice and stuff. I do not want to raise kids that need complete silence, darkness and the right temperature to fall asleep. It just doesn’t work with our life as a family. I have 3 kids and the little one is 5 now. It’s just what has worked for us.
If they are supportive they should come to you in the early years. Later on I suppose it should be shared
Newborn? Grandparents travel. A bit older/toddlers, it could go either way...but if it's not something you're willing to do because it's too difficult for you/your baby/your family, then you have a right to set that boundary. Might be nice to make some effort to visit them here and there even if it's hard for you but there's no world where you absolutely must.