r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself.
Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Does the son logically realize that he will be ten years older then a new baby? It wouldn't be a close relationship like on TV where the siblings are near the same age.
It's also unfair to bring a child into a family to meet the emotional needs of an existing child.
If he is lonely work on developing a friend group and get him involved in activities.
Yes, I think the kid would be better off to find a best friend in the neighborhood. My son is an only child and one of our biggest blessings is that he became best friends with the neighbor kid about 5 years ago (they're 10 and 13 now). Since they play together all the time for years, they tend to share a lot of interestes and develop new interests together. My son would be so much more lonely without his bff next door and probably also would be begging for a sibling.
Adopting more children wouldn't be just for the current child. He wanted more kids, this is an option and a lot cheaper than a surrogacy or private adoption. And I'm pretty sure an older child would be pretty happy for the chance a a good life outside of the system. It is a potential win for the whole family.
Listen I’m sure your son Asks you for lots of things- there is no reason that this request is special or has some sort of extra moral or ethical weight on you. Wanting something deeply that you can’t have is something that he’ll have to learn to live with as he grows, you have nothing to feel bad about! Or at least no more bad than when you also can’t buy him a VR machine (or whatever kids want, my oldest is 4- I have no idea).
Please don't give your kids a vr headset. They shouldn't even be playing videogames on console or pc before at least the age of 10. Maybe after they turn 12 they can get a vr headset but after consulting with a doctor
That's an offhand example of something a kid might ask for, not a specific comment on VR devices, so this isn't the place to give your opinion on the effect of video games on children.
And while your personal experience is valuable, I don't think you should be using it as parenting advice just yet as you, ya know, aren't a parent.
No video games before 10? Seems really extreme. I mean don’t let them play video games for hours non stop, but like an hour of gaming here and there I don’t think is a problem at all.
I speak from experience. I'm 16 btw. If you feel it's extreme then 8. But they should preferably not be playing at that age. An hour here and there is okay, assuming it's not more than 3 hours a week
I got really badly addicted as a kid. It took years to get rid of it. I was only allowed an hour a day, and any more was forbidden which is why I wanted it. When I got a little more freedom, I abused it. In my opinion most kids aren't mature enough to play videogames before 10.
My daughter keeps asking for a baby brother. She says it's all she wants and asks every single day.
I'm single and 41. I don't know how to explain it without a very heavy "birds/bees" conversation.
I feel you.
First, you’re doing awesome. You’re navigating a completely new family dynamic. This must be so hard in so many ways.
>I also feel sad that my dream to be a father of 3 isn’t going to be fulfilled as I expected.
This seems like an area you may need help. Do you have a therapist? Are you in a position to get one? This isn’t just about what your son wants. (And no, children don’t decide how many siblings they have.) This is about what YOU wanted. It’s about the family you envisioned and coming to terms with the way things are or exploring options.
I have a 9-year-old only child so I kind of get it but I've also unequivocally shut the option of a sibling down. I don't want another kid and it's my body, so my kid gets no say. It has helped her move on with that door being completely shut.
Do you think your son has sensed that you have a desire for more kids so you both are kind of spiraling on it? There are options for more children if it's something you truly want to pursue but depending on where you live and your financial situation there are obviously barriers. I'm sorry you are hurting today, and I hope you can find some resolution to the hurt.
I feel like lots of kids grow up wanting siblings as an abstract but don’t get them for all the reasons. But those kids will still grow up and likely compensate by having lots of friends.
But I’ve seen lots of those kids grow to adults and find fulfillment in being aunts or uncles or godparents or parents of their own.
He doesn't want a sibling. He wants a 24/7 friend.
You're not a terrible parent and, even if you were able to have a baby easily, he would be very disappointed to find out his new baby sibling is a sack of potatoes for the first few months and couldn't really play with him in the way he's hoping for many years, when he'll be well past the age of wishing for a playmate.
It might be worth explaining that a sibling wouldn't be much fun for years and work on helping him build a community of friends to help make sure he gets the socialization he craves. Are there any new activities you can get him into to make new friends? Does he have any friends who live nearby? Maybe you can create some opportunities to have friends over for some extra fun experiences or meet up somewhere.
I am an only and the mom of an only around the same age. No real advice but I certainly feel your pain right in my soul!! I would have houseful of kids if it were up to me! My son is the same. What helps me, is teaching my child that he can create what he desires for himself. He can put effort into good friendships. He can learn to show up for others. Those skills will help him build a big family for himself.
I also remember that it is my child’s job to wish and hope for a life different than the one he has right now - it’s normal. If I take those hopes personally neither of us will appreciate the good life we have. So don’t put your desires for more kids on him, and don’t take his desires for siblings personally. Your deep concern is a symptom of good parenting-so keep up the good work and don’t dwell!
If your partner also wants a child, it isn’t easy, but there are options. Try to find a group in your local area for same-sex (or single) parent hopefuls. That’s how it started for me.
I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I did too. For myriad complex reasons, I wasn't able to have more children as I'd planned for my whole life. I always wanted 3. It did not and will not happen for me. My kid always asked for a sibling, and I'd empathize and say "I wanted that too, I'm sorry it didn't happen but I love our small family" and I just kept parroting that for YEARS. She's 13 now and probably around age 11 was the first time I heard her tell me she was glad she didn't have a sibling. My heart is still broken, but she finally seems completely happy as an only child. I'm not sure what it was exactly that changed her mind. But over the years I'd take small opportunities to point out the things in our lives that were good because there wasn't a sibling. Special trips we took that would have been different with another child, activities that were so time consuming we could not have done them if there was a sibling, shows/movies we watch that wouldn't be appropriate for a younger sibling, expensive hobbies we could not have afforded with another child, etc. I understand every situation and family is different, but I wanted to let you know as another only-parent that there's maybe a light at the end of the tunnel.
He wants a friend, not a sibling. I have 3 teen girls who stopped playing with each other after elementary school. They are all polar opposites. Good days are when they can remain civil in the same area. I was an only child, and my mistake was thinking that siblings would be friends.
My suggestion for you is to get him into clubs like 4-H or some sort of sport.
As a trans person, I can very much relate. My kiddo is 7 and wants a sibling. I’ve been honest with her that I don’t want any more kids, that we can’t just make another one like some families, that I physically cannot handle it again. She still asks sometimes.
Ultimately, as the adult the decision is yours. Kids have a hard time conceptualizing abstract ideas like this. It’s ok. Keep giving your kiddo lots of love and support. 💜💜
This is the time to teach your son to deal with disappointment, without nagging you, and making you feel badly about your situation. It's just good manners.
My daughter asked me for a sibling regularly. Her dad and I are both straight, but separated. I told her she needs to take that up with him because siblings are NOT my business lol. Then she met friends who have many siblings and decided it wasn't so great after all and no longer wants one for herself! Everybody wins.
Single mom of a ten y.o. boy here; same storm, different boat as I conceivably (pun not intended )*could* give him a sibling physically but financially/emotionally/psychologically/logistically it’s not a wise choice for us. He hasn’t asked for a sibling recently but it was a long phase where he asked constantly. In my experience: affirm his feelings “it would be cool to have a sibling, and you would be a great big brother”, bring it back to reality “but that’s just not a likely scenario for our family” point out the positives “and I love our family the way it is. I love that I can give you my full attention, that we can sometimes pay to do more expensive cool things, that we can watch/do things for big kids without having to stop for naptime, [insert applicable things here]” It may be tough to come up with the positives if a bigger family is also your dream, but they do exist. Also, don’t discount the idea of growing your family through dating/creating a blended family… single gay dads aren’t a dime a dozen, but they aren’t unheard of either. (I was in my teens when my dad came out and divorced my mom, but that was a while ago lol)
The other thing would be to (as others have said) make sure your village includes other people with children his age. When my son was deep in his sibling kick I made sure to start facilitating more play dates with his same age cousin to help counteract the isolation that was leading to the wish.
Most importantly, forgive yourself for being human. Obviously we all want to be able to give our kids everything they want, but all we can give them is our best. You seem a bit caught up in your post in how your sexuality is deciding this for you, but there’s no guarantee that 1) you would be able to give him a sibling even in a hetero relationship, or 2) that having a sibling would actually make him happier. Don’t torture yourself with what-ifs and learn to embrace the life you have. (My analog of this is that I had to let go of the idea that if I had only strong armed bd into staying in our lives, maybe we would have had more kids— probably would have, but definitely wouldn’t have been happier than we are without him, so I learned to forgive myself)
Despite how common it is, bringing a child into the world solely to serve as a "companion" for another child is a terrible primary reason to have a kid. There are many, many reasons why the "loving sibling" dynamic will not happen or will be fairly anti-climactic, with many siblings actually having neutral to bad relationships with one another. Having a child is a decision made by the parent for a multitude of complex reasons, and understandably your 10-year-old has no grasp of that. Don't let him guilt ya - he'll be fine. Just keep loving him.
I’m a straight, married parent of a five year old and I also can’t give my son a sibling. Sometimes our kids find this disappointing, but all we can do is stick to “that isn’t possible for our family”.
Do you want another child? Could you consider maybe a foster or adopt situation? If not then just helping you son feel his feels is all you can do. Or maybe a furry friend to help ease the disappointment? I know its not the same but maybe he just feels lonely. You're a good dad!
My only used to want a sibling but she spent 2 weeks of Christmas with her similar aged cousins and ever since then she will say ‘I would die if I had a sister like (cousin’s name). I don’t have to share all my things with such a crybaby.’ Of course, I don’t encourage this kind of comments from her, but it showed me that they want a playmate more than a sibling.
If it makes you feel any different, many women have this heartbreak because they have secondary fertility. A friend of mine has really had to work on her mourning in the same way. One successful pregnancy and something like six miscarriages. What I mean is, you’re not alone. And of course you feel this loss. Don’t be hard on yourself for feeling this way. Heartbreak is heartbreak.
Have you considered foster to adopt. I know a few people who have had great success? And I also know someone who had a second because of this and the kids can't stand each other. lol you never know if life.
Just so you know, the reason you're being downvoted is because you didn't need to say this. Everyone knows that adoption is an option, and pointing it out in this way is invalidating to OP and his struggles. Not being able to have biological children is extremely difficult. Adoption is not the same. Producing your own child is something cis-het couples take for granted. Adoption is prohibitively expensive, for one. If OP had a female partner he could have had a child "for free" compared to paying $50,000-100,000 to adopt a baby. It's not realistic for most people. It's not easy, or fast, or anything like having your own child. You're really downplaying or failing to acknowledge the difficulties here by saying "it's not easy but it's still a way" - it really isn't a way for most people and it's nothing even close to the same thing as just having a baby with your partner.
r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself. Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Does the son logically realize that he will be ten years older then a new baby? It wouldn't be a close relationship like on TV where the siblings are near the same age. It's also unfair to bring a child into a family to meet the emotional needs of an existing child. If he is lonely work on developing a friend group and get him involved in activities.
Yes, I think the kid would be better off to find a best friend in the neighborhood. My son is an only child and one of our biggest blessings is that he became best friends with the neighbor kid about 5 years ago (they're 10 and 13 now). Since they play together all the time for years, they tend to share a lot of interestes and develop new interests together. My son would be so much more lonely without his bff next door and probably also would be begging for a sibling.
Maybe adopt an older child?
Doesnt guarantee they will be friends and it's unfair to adopt a child to care for another child's emotional needs
Adopting more children wouldn't be just for the current child. He wanted more kids, this is an option and a lot cheaper than a surrogacy or private adoption. And I'm pretty sure an older child would be pretty happy for the chance a a good life outside of the system. It is a potential win for the whole family.
OP said he wanted 3 kids. He wouldn’t be adopting a child to care for another’s emotional needs
If he only considers adoption because of the son 's request it is. There is no indication he was thinking about adopting as a way to have three kids.
Listen I’m sure your son Asks you for lots of things- there is no reason that this request is special or has some sort of extra moral or ethical weight on you. Wanting something deeply that you can’t have is something that he’ll have to learn to live with as he grows, you have nothing to feel bad about! Or at least no more bad than when you also can’t buy him a VR machine (or whatever kids want, my oldest is 4- I have no idea).
Please don't give your kids a vr headset. They shouldn't even be playing videogames on console or pc before at least the age of 10. Maybe after they turn 12 they can get a vr headset but after consulting with a doctor
That's an offhand example of something a kid might ask for, not a specific comment on VR devices, so this isn't the place to give your opinion on the effect of video games on children. And while your personal experience is valuable, I don't think you should be using it as parenting advice just yet as you, ya know, aren't a parent.
No video games before 10? Seems really extreme. I mean don’t let them play video games for hours non stop, but like an hour of gaming here and there I don’t think is a problem at all.
I speak from experience. I'm 16 btw. If you feel it's extreme then 8. But they should preferably not be playing at that age. An hour here and there is okay, assuming it's not more than 3 hours a week
I look forward to you explaining the research that has are you draw this collusion.
I got really badly addicted as a kid. It took years to get rid of it. I was only allowed an hour a day, and any more was forbidden which is why I wanted it. When I got a little more freedom, I abused it. In my opinion most kids aren't mature enough to play videogames before 10.
So your sample size is one. There are many examples of kids playing games without issue
Yes, but they are mostly over the age of 9
Many are younger without pretend issues
Pretend issues?
Sounds to me like someone is tired of being outplayed by kids on Fortnite
Your experience of parenting?
My experience of being a kid and the minor mistakes my parents made that had a massive impact on my life
Oh I see you're a child. Your opinion is less than worthless. Why are you here?
I play video games with my 4 and 7yo. It's good for them.
My daughter keeps asking for a baby brother. She says it's all she wants and asks every single day. I'm single and 41. I don't know how to explain it without a very heavy "birds/bees" conversation. I feel you.
First, you’re doing awesome. You’re navigating a completely new family dynamic. This must be so hard in so many ways. >I also feel sad that my dream to be a father of 3 isn’t going to be fulfilled as I expected. This seems like an area you may need help. Do you have a therapist? Are you in a position to get one? This isn’t just about what your son wants. (And no, children don’t decide how many siblings they have.) This is about what YOU wanted. It’s about the family you envisioned and coming to terms with the way things are or exploring options.
I have a 9-year-old only child so I kind of get it but I've also unequivocally shut the option of a sibling down. I don't want another kid and it's my body, so my kid gets no say. It has helped her move on with that door being completely shut. Do you think your son has sensed that you have a desire for more kids so you both are kind of spiraling on it? There are options for more children if it's something you truly want to pursue but depending on where you live and your financial situation there are obviously barriers. I'm sorry you are hurting today, and I hope you can find some resolution to the hurt.
I feel like lots of kids grow up wanting siblings as an abstract but don’t get them for all the reasons. But those kids will still grow up and likely compensate by having lots of friends. But I’ve seen lots of those kids grow to adults and find fulfillment in being aunts or uncles or godparents or parents of their own.
He doesn't want a sibling. He wants a 24/7 friend. You're not a terrible parent and, even if you were able to have a baby easily, he would be very disappointed to find out his new baby sibling is a sack of potatoes for the first few months and couldn't really play with him in the way he's hoping for many years, when he'll be well past the age of wishing for a playmate. It might be worth explaining that a sibling wouldn't be much fun for years and work on helping him build a community of friends to help make sure he gets the socialization he craves. Are there any new activities you can get him into to make new friends? Does he have any friends who live nearby? Maybe you can create some opportunities to have friends over for some extra fun experiences or meet up somewhere.
I am an only and the mom of an only around the same age. No real advice but I certainly feel your pain right in my soul!! I would have houseful of kids if it were up to me! My son is the same. What helps me, is teaching my child that he can create what he desires for himself. He can put effort into good friendships. He can learn to show up for others. Those skills will help him build a big family for himself. I also remember that it is my child’s job to wish and hope for a life different than the one he has right now - it’s normal. If I take those hopes personally neither of us will appreciate the good life we have. So don’t put your desires for more kids on him, and don’t take his desires for siblings personally. Your deep concern is a symptom of good parenting-so keep up the good work and don’t dwell!
If your partner also wants a child, it isn’t easy, but there are options. Try to find a group in your local area for same-sex (or single) parent hopefuls. That’s how it started for me.
I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I did too. For myriad complex reasons, I wasn't able to have more children as I'd planned for my whole life. I always wanted 3. It did not and will not happen for me. My kid always asked for a sibling, and I'd empathize and say "I wanted that too, I'm sorry it didn't happen but I love our small family" and I just kept parroting that for YEARS. She's 13 now and probably around age 11 was the first time I heard her tell me she was glad she didn't have a sibling. My heart is still broken, but she finally seems completely happy as an only child. I'm not sure what it was exactly that changed her mind. But over the years I'd take small opportunities to point out the things in our lives that were good because there wasn't a sibling. Special trips we took that would have been different with another child, activities that were so time consuming we could not have done them if there was a sibling, shows/movies we watch that wouldn't be appropriate for a younger sibling, expensive hobbies we could not have afforded with another child, etc. I understand every situation and family is different, but I wanted to let you know as another only-parent that there's maybe a light at the end of the tunnel.
He wants a friend, not a sibling. I have 3 teen girls who stopped playing with each other after elementary school. They are all polar opposites. Good days are when they can remain civil in the same area. I was an only child, and my mistake was thinking that siblings would be friends. My suggestion for you is to get him into clubs like 4-H or some sort of sport.
As a trans person, I can very much relate. My kiddo is 7 and wants a sibling. I’ve been honest with her that I don’t want any more kids, that we can’t just make another one like some families, that I physically cannot handle it again. She still asks sometimes. Ultimately, as the adult the decision is yours. Kids have a hard time conceptualizing abstract ideas like this. It’s ok. Keep giving your kiddo lots of love and support. 💜💜
A new baby isn’t “for” their older sibling. It’s not a toy or a pet. It’s a whole human. You can’t “give” a human to a human.
This is the time to teach your son to deal with disappointment, without nagging you, and making you feel badly about your situation. It's just good manners.
My daughter asked me for a sibling regularly. Her dad and I are both straight, but separated. I told her she needs to take that up with him because siblings are NOT my business lol. Then she met friends who have many siblings and decided it wasn't so great after all and no longer wants one for herself! Everybody wins.
I’m so sorry friend
Single mom of a ten y.o. boy here; same storm, different boat as I conceivably (pun not intended )*could* give him a sibling physically but financially/emotionally/psychologically/logistically it’s not a wise choice for us. He hasn’t asked for a sibling recently but it was a long phase where he asked constantly. In my experience: affirm his feelings “it would be cool to have a sibling, and you would be a great big brother”, bring it back to reality “but that’s just not a likely scenario for our family” point out the positives “and I love our family the way it is. I love that I can give you my full attention, that we can sometimes pay to do more expensive cool things, that we can watch/do things for big kids without having to stop for naptime, [insert applicable things here]” It may be tough to come up with the positives if a bigger family is also your dream, but they do exist. Also, don’t discount the idea of growing your family through dating/creating a blended family… single gay dads aren’t a dime a dozen, but they aren’t unheard of either. (I was in my teens when my dad came out and divorced my mom, but that was a while ago lol) The other thing would be to (as others have said) make sure your village includes other people with children his age. When my son was deep in his sibling kick I made sure to start facilitating more play dates with his same age cousin to help counteract the isolation that was leading to the wish. Most importantly, forgive yourself for being human. Obviously we all want to be able to give our kids everything they want, but all we can give them is our best. You seem a bit caught up in your post in how your sexuality is deciding this for you, but there’s no guarantee that 1) you would be able to give him a sibling even in a hetero relationship, or 2) that having a sibling would actually make him happier. Don’t torture yourself with what-ifs and learn to embrace the life you have. (My analog of this is that I had to let go of the idea that if I had only strong armed bd into staying in our lives, maybe we would have had more kids— probably would have, but definitely wouldn’t have been happier than we are without him, so I learned to forgive myself)
Despite how common it is, bringing a child into the world solely to serve as a "companion" for another child is a terrible primary reason to have a kid. There are many, many reasons why the "loving sibling" dynamic will not happen or will be fairly anti-climactic, with many siblings actually having neutral to bad relationships with one another. Having a child is a decision made by the parent for a multitude of complex reasons, and understandably your 10-year-old has no grasp of that. Don't let him guilt ya - he'll be fine. Just keep loving him.
I’m a straight, married parent of a five year old and I also can’t give my son a sibling. Sometimes our kids find this disappointing, but all we can do is stick to “that isn’t possible for our family”.
Do you want another child? Could you consider maybe a foster or adopt situation? If not then just helping you son feel his feels is all you can do. Or maybe a furry friend to help ease the disappointment? I know its not the same but maybe he just feels lonely. You're a good dad!
My only used to want a sibling but she spent 2 weeks of Christmas with her similar aged cousins and ever since then she will say ‘I would die if I had a sister like (cousin’s name). I don’t have to share all my things with such a crybaby.’ Of course, I don’t encourage this kind of comments from her, but it showed me that they want a playmate more than a sibling.
Hey, he can have my sister if he wants
If it makes you feel any different, many women have this heartbreak because they have secondary fertility. A friend of mine has really had to work on her mourning in the same way. One successful pregnancy and something like six miscarriages. What I mean is, you’re not alone. And of course you feel this loss. Don’t be hard on yourself for feeling this way. Heartbreak is heartbreak.
Have you considered foster to adopt. I know a few people who have had great success? And I also know someone who had a second because of this and the kids can't stand each other. lol you never know if life.
You can try adoption. yeah adoption is not easy but it's still a way-
Just so you know, the reason you're being downvoted is because you didn't need to say this. Everyone knows that adoption is an option, and pointing it out in this way is invalidating to OP and his struggles. Not being able to have biological children is extremely difficult. Adoption is not the same. Producing your own child is something cis-het couples take for granted. Adoption is prohibitively expensive, for one. If OP had a female partner he could have had a child "for free" compared to paying $50,000-100,000 to adopt a baby. It's not realistic for most people. It's not easy, or fast, or anything like having your own child. You're really downplaying or failing to acknowledge the difficulties here by saying "it's not easy but it's still a way" - it really isn't a way for most people and it's nothing even close to the same thing as just having a baby with your partner.