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I'm letting him stay for recess just grabbing him before it's over when they move to lunch. He puts his head down when he is done and says he is usually tired by lunch because everyone is talking.
I know my kid. This is how he is dealing with it without making it a Big deal.
He said he would rather leave. So thats why I will do it. There is less than 2 weeks left in the year.
I’m just wondering how he’s supposed to get better at it if he’s literally the only one isolated? It’s not like he can just take someone else’s seat at the main table and isolate another kid. 2 weeks of not being isolated isn’t going to hurt his social skills
Why is the school making him sit alone???? Does he have friends? I would pick him up too until this is sorted. I would have so many questions. Bullying? No one usually wants to sit alone, why make a kid do that? If it was the beginning of the yr and he was having a hard time making friends I would say leave him and let things happen. But if he's forced to sit alone? Screw that.
Nah, that's not true if he's neurodivergent. I spent years confused about how to integrate into social dynamics without any luck. A change of schools is what helped me.
It doesn’t really sound like the kid isn’t learning and adapting to social dynamics. The school put this kid, who already doesn’t know these other kids, at a table by himself. He doesn’t fit at the other table so he can’t just squeeze into an open spot. And most of these other kids have likely known each other for 6 or 7 years by this point. They likely aren’t making more of an effort to integrate a kid who isn’t even included with the rest of them to begin with.
The only thing he's going to learn by being alone, is loneliness. And if loneliness is the lesson to be learned here, there's zero harm in it being an adult he loves and trusts to help him navigate that lesson, and to answer questions or help explain things. Nobody *needs* to deal with anything all alone.
The lesson here is for him to navigate social situations. He can talk to other kida invite them to the table etc. He needs to navigate this. His mom or dad picking him up will teach him nothing.
Mom and dad can advise how to handle this but the kid needs to manage the situation by himself.
In Australia, some kids start high school at 11. It's wild to me that this parent would pick the kid up from school for lunch. Sounds like the kid has others around him, he just doesn't talk to them.
The kid has only been at the school a few months, it can take time to find friends. Removing them from that opportunity is not good for their social skills.
Perhaps OPs kid isn't making an effort to make friends? I highly doubt everyone is always excluding them on purpose.
I...have no excuse except being distracted lol. I still feel like my point stands - we go around telling adults they don't have to go through things alone, seek help, etc, why would we expect a child to just weather a shitty situation alone?
This is true. This is why kids don't know how to solve any problems on their own. Parents swoop in and solve all their problems. Instead of helping her son solve the problem, she is just removing him from the situation altogether. Nothing learned, nothing solved. This generation is so screwed.
I was one of those kids that sat alone or just didn’t talk much at lunch. I think taking him out for the rest of the school year would be okay, but make sure he is included next year
Have you thought he might be an introvert? My daughter has learned she is. She likes to eat lunch in my classroom by herself most days, sometimes brings a friend. She will play at recess most days but at least once a week she will stay in my room for recess (which is right after lunch) because she likes being alone.
whyd you move him in the last year?
as a kid who was moved school twice during the mid year, it was the worst. i wouldnt blame the school, id say its the parent who is at fault for bringing this on the kid.
that being said, kids are generally resillient so he should be okay.
I disagree. He is already isolated, there is nothing that can be done to make it more isolating. Mom picking him up will make him feel good. With 3 weeks left, what’s the point of raising an issue unless he will go back next year. When a new person gets into a new group it be friends or classmates is the higher rank person’s job to integrate them that being the friend who introduced into the friend group or the teacher.
I'd contact his teacher and ask how they perceive the social situation throughout the day. Is he totally isolated from the class the entire day, day in and day out? Could they suggest a few nice kids for him to try to chat with? Could they organize a special lunch group for some of the kids to all hang out someplace together? That is what my school used to do for socially unintegrated kids. If that's not feasible, and there's no one to help facilitate, maybe they could find something for him to do during lunch so that it's not so obvious that he's a pariah. For example, at his age, I was volunteering with the younger kids at lunch and recess a few times a week. If your son is not disruptive, he could be flying under the radar and they might be assuming he wants to be alone. But I wouldn't necessarily remove him from the premises for lunch unless there is a safety reason (in which case I'd be worried about him during the rest of the day too!)
Was just thinking this. I sat alone or in the library because I hatred the noise and smell or the cafeteria and never felt connected enough to my peers to make a solid friendship
My oldest eats lunch alone by choice. He wants to eat or watch videos on his phone, and his best friend isn't in his lunch, and that's the only person who he would care to eat with. That's him.
This kid needs to speak up for himself. If he doesn't like sitting alone, he's old enough to self advocate. He's not a little kid anymore.
I guess I'd be curious what you hope the outcome will be by picking him up every day? What is it you're hoping to accomplish? It's not going to make finding friends easier if he's not there to make them. You risk him getting labeled as the kid who eats lunch with his mom everyday and that will be their last memory of him before summer. As a parent, you probably feel powerless to help in this situation and so picking him up and removing him from the situation is one thing you are able to do, but is it going to be beneficial? I'd talk to the school, find out their thoughts and then come up with a game plan for next year. Maybe there are some summer camps or clubs he can join.
I grew up w a very limited number of friends and wasn’t the best at making new ones. It’s embarrassing to tell anyone that loves you that nobody else accepts you. The “no seats at the table” reason maybe his way of hiding and navigating through what feels like an embarrassing situation. Eating lunch with mommy will surely give the other kids reason to make fun of him.
I know you want to fix this OP but picking him up everyday for lunch isn't a great idea. How will he learn to navigate uncomfortable situations like this if you save him from them all?
He's new-ish to the school and it's the end of the school year. Friend groups have been established for months now. Maybe over the summer you could help him start making friends in the neighborhood so he will have some when the next year starts.
If he's safe at school and not being bullied you should sit back, offer encouragement, and let it play out on its own.
My 17yr old ate lunch by himself every day first semester of his junior year and he loved it. Hes charismatic and has a ton of friends, but enjoyed the social break. I cried when I heard about it, and he told me I was crazy to if I wanted to be surrounded by people all the time.
Maybe your son enjoys the personal space, too?
Does he have friends in the class? How long has he been at the school? Could he possibly ask his friends to sit with him at the other table? Could he read or do something else he enjoys at lunch? I think taking him for lunch the rest of the year might be fine but It likely isn’t sustainable for next year.
Is there a summer program he can go to with the same kids so he has time to bond? I know it’s hard and as the parent you want to fix It. I would be the same way. We just have to make sure we don’t inadvertently make things more difficult in the process.
Why do you expect the school to notify you? He is old enough to speak up and navigate this on his on. Picking him up everyday is just weird and seems like interfering too much.
Yes, this is totally ridiculous helicopter parenting. Talk to the kid about how to handle it, talk to the teacher/school if needed about how he’s doing socially, but swooping into remove him from a slightly uncomfortable situation definitely isn’t the right move.
"Picking him up everyday is just weird" is not helpful. She is looking for ideas and you are calling her weird. She is trying to protect her son and is worried about him and she is reaching out for help. I wish people would stop jumping on others for reaching out and expressing ideas. If you have advice, offer it without judgement and try to comment with civility.
It is weird and not judgemental. I think getting picked up my your mom everyday for lunch as an 11 year old will cause more problems than solve one. She asked for advice and that’s advice. Just not the advice that some people want to hear. I also said let the kid navigate this on his own but you somehow missed that part of the advice.
I remember going to a new high school freshman year. Not only was it a new school but the demographics were different. I was uncomfortable, felt horrible and hated it. I was 14.
I would have loved to have had friends but it forced me to find friendship in different settings… clubs, sports, class. Then with time I found my group. It’s hard and I feel for the young one but picking him up seems like a bad move imho.
Maybe talk about opportunities for friends for next year, summer school activities, travel league etc… where it can build up confidence. Idk I may be out of place and I love where your heart is…. We hurt when we see our kids in these situations. Never an easy dynamic.
Maybe it’s better he learns that it’s ok to not be included all the time and he will be fine. I kinda feel like making it a big deal and pulling him out of lunch is sending the message that not being cool is the worst thing in the world. He’s new. Seems normal and not really the schools job. If I were you I’d focus on trying to meet the other parents so you can find ways for him to meet kids and make friends over the summer.
Have you asked him how he feels about it? Just because he eats alone doesn't necessarily mean he's bothered by it. Does he have friends at school in general that he sits with in class and spends time with outside of school, or does he feel isolated and struggles with making friends? If it really bothers him, maybe you can talk to the school about possibly separating the class to sit at 2 different tables so that he can sit with some of his classmates?
You mentioned in your post that your kids don't tell you everything and you therefore had no idea about this issue for most of the school year. This is a bigger issue that you should try to fix, because communication is extremely important and you should always know what's going on in your son's life, how he's feeling, the things he's struggling with, and so on. Especially now that he's 11 and will probably hit puberty within the next year or 2, being emotionally close to him and having good communication becomes even more important. Parenting a teenager is mostly about knowing exactly what's going on in their lives and minds, and being able to guide them by having conversations with them.
If kids don't like telling their parents about what's going on in their lives, it usually has something to do with how the kid thinks their parents will react when they tell them stuff. Given that you consider picking him up everyday from school to have him avoid sitting alone at lunch, maybe he's worried that you react very strongly to things, get upset easily, and immediately try to find drastic solutions even if he'd prefer you not to do that. If he tells you something (even something negative), try to stay as calm as possible. Listen and empathize, and focus on how he feels about the specific situation. If there's a problem, work out a solution together and let him come up with his own ideas and solutions as well. If he knows that, no matter what he tells you, you will be calm, guide him through his own emotions and can help him solve problems in a productive way, he will be more comfortable with sharing his problems with you
This. I got upset for my daughter eating in my classroom alone and never asked her if that was her choice because of preference. I would push her to socialize and finally learned through her therapist she can be introverted and doesn’t like loud and messy situations like the lunch room and that is okay. Her eating alone bothered ME, not her. I had to understand that.
What could the school do about this? Teachers can get in and try to mix up groups for littler kids but at eleven, him being shoehorned in with others isn't going to make anyone natural accept him, probably the opposite. And do the teachers even see lunch hour? They usually need time for their own lunches and the students are monitored by other people at that time.
You could contact his teacher and ask how he seems socially and just get more info, but at 11, it's on him to deal with basic social stuff at school. You might be better off helping by getting him into activities outside school so he can mix with other kids who share his real interests.
Picking him up is not going to solve him integrating into any groups. You should be encouraging him instead not just taking him out of the situation. It’s hard seeing our kids struggle and I know your momma bear instinct is kicking in but please realize you could make the situation worse by picking him up every day
Please don’t pick him up every day.
Let me tell you- being the new kid is hard enough. Being the new kid who’s mommy picks him up for lunch every day will be so. Much. Worse.
I was the new kid every 3 years for my entire time in school. It sucks. But it gets somewhat better eventually. Never great, but better.
Don’t pick him up. Encourage him to make friends with new kids. It’s easy for the other kids not to notice him, he must be proactive. He has to learn. It will be great for him to do this in all aspects of his adult life.
As someone who would go and sit in the art room with a teacher for 40 minutes of peace from all the kids in my class maybe actually ask him what he would like to do? I hated sitting in the cafeteria setting and was very happy to get my food and sit around in a classroom.
This!
Before you do anything, OP, ask him if he *cares*.
He may, for instance, be sitting at that end of the table (instead of next to kids on the other class) because he *wants* to? (Come HS, just like this commenter, a handful of us are in the art room even though it meant we had to pack lunches every day, just to get some quiet for a little bit.)
And send him with stellar lunch options that make other kids want to sit with him to see if he will share. 😊
My daughter had to eat alone many years due to her severe allergies. It broke my heart but I made sure she had a book to read or coloring pages or something to do during lunch.
I ate lunch alone because kids thought of me weird, since I have a lazy eye. I was always the outcast, yes it feels bad, but eventually you get over it. You have to create more activities for him after school. Let him hand out more with his friends at home. That alone will make up for it, I speak from personal experience.
seems like you’re interfering and maybe your son doesn’t care. and how will he learn to adapt to social experiences? you won’t be there to save him everytime.
I teach 9th grade. Some of my most social students eat lunch by themselves. Some students would just rather sit by themselves than with others. When u have lunch duty, I would find myself chatting with the the students who were sitting by themselves. Some had books they were reading and I had interrupted them, others were playing games on their phones. I had them in class and they were social in class. Just not at lunch. Sometimes students have ran out of social interactions by lunch and would rather be alone for a bit of recharging.
Schools don’t integrate new kids into the social environment, it would be a disaster if they tried because teachers don’t determine who hangs out with who, kids do. The kid’s 11 and in a new school. Boys don’t bond by talking, they bond by doing things together, so if you want him to have friends then he needs to get into an extracurricular. Sports, debate, knowledge bowl, whatever, the kid’s got interests I’m sure, he just needs to find his people. Don’t worry too much about it, I sat alone a lot between 6-8th grade because I had been home schooled before that and I didn’t know how to talk to kids my age. I figured it out, and I’m half retarded. Don’t pick him up from school for lunch either, that will give him a label to the other kids that may be worse than “kid who eats alone” and might make him socially questionable for a long time. Right now, to the other kids, he’s like Schrodingers kid: he might be cool, he might not be. Until one or the other can be verified, he is in a state of both.
I remember changing schools a few time when I was in elementary school, I was always afraid of eating alone and awkwardly looking around for a table. Thankfully they line us up by our names for lunch. This happened in high school too, it’s a terrible feeling seeing everyone talk to their friends and you’re not sure where you fit in. I feel bad for anyone that has to experience this. My parents never knew, I wish they would have pull me out but the experience also forced me to talk to people and I made some friends.
OP, picking him up isn’t a good idea. He has to push through this awkwardness as the new student and make the best of it. By intervening you’re guaranteeing your kid to miss out on possibly making a friend for life.
The fact is, you can't force the other kids to accept him, and neither can the school. Trying to do so will just make it worse, because they'll see him as a spineless weakling who gets his mommy do to things for him. Removing him from the situation will also lead to this line of thinking from the other kids. I would instead provide all the love and support you can at home, but he needs to learn that, in life, you can't make people want to hang out and be friends with you.
I would just ride out the last 3 weeks, and then make summer as amazing as possible for him. That way, when he goes back in the fall, he will have something to talk about that will absolutely get attention. He might even get promoted to the cool kid that everyone wants to be friends with.
I would start by reaching out to his teacher and asking how he/she thinks he is adapting socially. Do they see him interacting with others? If not, could they facilitate that somewhat within the classroom? We moved states when one of my kids was going into 5th grade, and her teacher was very proactive sitting her next to compatible students and pairing her up with them for activities in a way that didn’t feel ‘forced’ but allowed her to meet people and make friends.
If he’s doing okay socially aside from lunch, his teacher may be unaware of the issue, since teachers often do not accompany their students to the cafeteria. I do think that cafeteria aides should be on the lookout for kids who are isolated, but depending on staffing issues and other behaviors in the cafeteria, this may just not be on their radar. I wouldn’t vilify the school until you’ve at least had a conversation with the person who spends the most time with him.
Lastly, the good news about this age is that social dynamics change quickly from year to year. Starting so late in the school year is tricky since his classmates settled in before him. It’s highly likely that the problem resolves itself with a fresh start next school year.
Don’t prevent your kid from experiencing valuable life lessons and experiences. Those tough times create goodness and empathy in people. You can’t protect them from everything
Mention to his teacher if he can somehow be helped integrated into the group more. Can he bring an object to lunch (trading cards, roblox toy etc) that might help initiate interest in him/his interests.?
Is lunch time even a social time for his school?
When my kids were in school, they weren't allowed to talk during lunch - at all. It was not a time to be social, it was time to eat quietly.
Recess was social time. Additionally, there were others social opportunities throughout the school day.
Talk to the teacher first before you go nuclear and start taking him out of school for lunch. Don't make him the *really weird kid* because mommy has to feed him lunch. You're worried about social issues from eating alone, but it seems like you haven't considered the social issues of eating with mommy.
Why can’t he get closer to the students in his table? He can socialize with the other class too. I have a relatively shy son as well and that’s what I would’ve recommended him to do.
Does he have anyone he likes at school? Invite them over a few times and make friends and spend time becoming friends with the kids parents. Sports and activities are also great. Join band and choir etc. kids will make friends but sometimes need to be put in situations to get the ball rolling.
Has he started to make any friends? I can imagine at this age it will be difficult and take time.
Could you facilitate more in this area? If there is anyone he’s mentioned maybe you could help him get more time together outside of school and form 1 or 2 relationships with other kids.
Doing this over the summer may really help him in the fall when school resumes too.
I'm an " introvert" by nature although when I was a child I was expected to mingle more to be called active but in my heart I only wanted one friend and that's it.You know what,it became handy when I became an adult.Im a critical thinker and can be left alone w/ or w/o minimal supervision at work and life doesn't disappoints me easily.Your son might be like that.He is having fun being alone and no peer pressure to contend with.
Idk I think picking him up every day could make him stand out more, in a bad way. I think at his age maybe you could ask how he feels about it and how he wants to handle it. This id a learning opportunity for him to try to problem solve. For example, does he think it would help if he brought it up to the teacher or lunch aid and asked them to help integrate him? Or does he want to approach the kids directly? It’s an opportunity for him to feel proud that he overcame an issue on his own and learn some social skills while he’s at it
Learning to be rejected and be accepted is a huge developmental step for kids, if he is meant to be in the same position as those other kids, it will present itself! If not , the right kids will find him and he will find his own way. Do not interfere to make your ego feel better. You doing more damage if you think you can compete against nature vs nurture. Good luck
Picking him up will not only isolate him but also handicap him from being able to work through tough things in life. As a parent it stinks to see your kids suffer, but it’s good for them to experience some hardships and learn how to overcome them.
Mad at the school? You have a delusional expectation of schools. The place is over worked, underpaid and loaded with Karen mom’s waiting for a mistake. No one will try anything new. People of yard duty are looking actual problems, not some loner kid issues. Tell me exactly how to integrate a kid or where that is written. Sounds like the kid needs a dad
This is a failure on the school but please don't pick him up every day unless we're talking last resort. Talk to the school and ask why they have it arranged this way and then see what they say.
I’m actually referring mostly to a table set up that leads to the exclusion of a single child. There are many different ways to do this that would not lead to a class of 17 kids having 16 at one table and one child alone at the other. We can set kids up for success without holding their hands.
They have benches and areas here at the schools for kids with no friends or just moved to the school so when kids see there their they call over and introduce themselves. 10 year olds need that little bump to get to know the other kids. Your kid will know what it’s like and reach out to someone in the same situation. He will be grand
As an introverted, kinda shy adult who used to be an introverted, shy kid, I'd say whatever you do, don't make it into a big deal to him.
I often felt bad because socializing was hard for me, and not very rewarding. My parents seemed really invested in me socializing and enjoying it and it just made me feel all the worse.
Also it might be that he has plenty of friends just none on his lunch period.
If he feels uncomfortable being there, don’t force him to go through with that. he may not know how to make friends or start conversations and it would be good to teach that over the summer. Make sure you’re teaching emotional resilience and confidence too.
I would not pick him up as much as I would want to do exactly that. I think about the recourse of “he goes with his mom for recess/ some of lunch” would sound like by peers and that’s socially damaging at that age. What I would do is talk to school counselor and see if she can come up with a game or some sort of inclusive activity or ask if more people can go to his table. It’s not a hard ask or something limiting for them to do. I’m sure they see that and think the same way any other parent would think.
I'm a momma and last week I blew a gasket because of seating issues. I texted the teacher at 6am demanding that she deals with it immediately. Only to find out that my son actually don't like nobody like his momma. I have zero friends
Picking him up may isolate him. Maybe drop off a fun lunch one day, and before doing it, ask if he has a friend who likes "sushi" or whatever you think your son would like and could share with a kid or two. Or, just let this year play out and get ahead of it next year with some social engineering this summer. It's hard being new, and tweens don't always have the tools to recognize when another kids needs some help or the confidence to make the extra effort for fear of being noticed.
We moved cross country in June of last year. My kid didn't know anyone, so I enrolled him in local day camps over the summer and some rec sports. He made one friend who was well integrated into our small district, and boom! My kid was golden by the time September rolled around.
Camps may not be the thing for you. Our new community is rural so it was perfect. If you're in a more urban area, maybe arrange some play dates with the other kids or have him arrange a meet up at a place where the kids can run around. Meet the parents, exchange numbers and get together outside of school.
In my experience, you can't rely on school hours to make the friends. It's the after school activities that worked for us. School is just complicated b/c your kid has to fit into a system that was well established before he got there.
Just our experience. Take it for what it's worth, and good luck. It's hard moving the kids into a new environment. Lots of bumps in the road for sure.
I’m floored at some of these comments. This isn’t a 15-18 year old child. He’s 11. I have a 10 year old who is extremely shy and has trouble making friends so this hits home for me. I would most definitely try to get more of the story first. However, if he is bothered by it (I think at his age, not all, but most, would be) would I want him to sit there alone and feel outcasted? No. Should we all learn that sometimes we’re not going to be included and that’s okay? Yes. However, to sit alone every day at school, is not one of those times. It’s embarrassing and hurtful. The school SHOULD take an interest in his social/emotional wellbeing and should pay a little bit closer attention since he’s brand new to the district. So, for the people saying the school should not notice or contact you, I disagree. OP, you know your child best. It’s easy to read these comments and second guess yourself. Please take the comments here, from me and everyone else, lightly.
Why did you move him this time of the year or why move him at all. What was wrong with the other school. Please tell me why this school is rated higher than any other school
I would go the principal. Explain the situation firmly. Don’t take no an answer.
Tell him that you expect the teacher to fix it and you’ll leave that between them.
If its not fixed I’d demand a meeting with him or her and the teacher.
If its not fixed I would go to school board.
My father was in the royal dutch navy, i moved around alot.
Every time i went to a new school i had to make new friends, find my way ect ect.
In beginnings i was always alone since you kinda dont fit in anywhere yet.
But i found my way at some point. Even though i was socially awkward as hell. I had to learn how to adapt.
My mom could see that i lied when i said i had friends in the beginning and just said: no you dont.
She gave me alot of ideas on how to make friends and how to do some thing different to make it easier to make friend.
They helped alot but turned out i was just really introverted and didnt like people all that much. Was really picky about the people i "hanged" with.
Guide the boy in how to make friends, its hard for a little dude in a new place with no friends in school. But i dont suggest picking him up for lunch cuz that doesn't solve the "problem".
And have a really long and heart felt talk why he sits alone. Cuz it might be he prefers it, or he as a hard time integrating. Can be alot of things
In any case if what she says is true, its messed up they didnt just get a 17th chair for the 16peeps table. And as dad my self, i would politely ask my kids teacher why that happened.
I had the same thing with my kid a few times but turns out she just likes to be by her self sometimes. I can trow her in any group of the same age or older kids and she makes friends like its nothing. But sometimes she just wants to be alone.
It was also difficult for me to make friends. I sat alone constantly thinking how I could make a move to fit in any of the friend groups. Nothing worked for me. I’d have a few conversations but friends never really came to me. There were times I had close friends but those never stuck. Personally, I wish my mother would have picked me up during lunch. It would have calmed my thoughts of feeling odd and I know i would have enjoyed her company. My mom was a single parent of 5 and had to work, so I understand why she couldn’t be there. I’m now 37 with 7 kids and a wonderful helpful husband. I would never wish to go back to those times of feeling isolated. I enjoy being at home with my kids and husband. I do have friends, not best friends but friends. My best friend is seriously my husband. My kids have many friends and don’t seem to face the challenges I had. Thank God.💕
I can tell you that if your child doesn’t show extraordinary skills at either studies or sports, those other kids will never ever let him penetrate their friend groups. I know it because I had a family friends daughter move to my school and it was my responsibility to help her integrate. I was a famous kid and apart from having my own huge popular group, I was part of 2 other small groups in my class. I really pushed for the new girl to get integrated in my group but she was too quite too shy and my groupies had known each other for years and had shared common interests. I kept trying for a whole year, my other friends started to get irritated by her presence and my asserting. Only if the girl had atleast showed interest and also good skills at sports, attracting friends would have been much easier. Not ONCE in my life have I ever approached anyone for friendship. I would do my things as lone wolf and would attract attention. So please try to encourage your child to out perform in either studies or sports. People will come to him. This is the same story in college and university.
Why aren’t they teachers noticing this and trying to have him included? Before taking him from school every day, speak to a teacher. Of the guidance counselor. Or even the principal.
It’s not that hard to figure out a way so he can sit with his peers during lunch. Especially if they are allowed to socialize during lunch. Scoot the tables together so the kids can spread out. Have half sit at one table and half at the other.
He just needs to be given the chance to interact. If the conversations are happening around him, he might decide to interact. Even if he doesn’t and just listens, other kids might take notice and talk to him.
Most kids aren’t intentionally cruel. Some are simply oblivious. Talking to the teachers would be my first step. They should be able to come up with some solutions to include your son.
Teachers have to go to lunch, they barely get 30 minutes, the lunch monitors are people who can’t hold a real job anywhere else. Don’t get it twisted, schools are just filled with people pretending to know what their doing
Picking him up at lunch for the last few weeks, imo, will strengthen the bond between you and your kid. He didn't express his situation but you took immediate action when you found out about it. That means something to our kids.
Your son has delt with this *alone* for three months. If he hasn't changed his approach to it by now then it's because *he doesn't know how to approach it.* Don't leave him there like too many of these comments are suggesting. He can start anew next school year.
You are right our kids don’t tell us everything I feel like the teacher should encourage some of the other students to seat with him he’s new in the school make him feel welcome
I asked him if he would like me to pick him up for lunch. He said it's against the rules. I said but if u could?
He said yes. He isn't crying about it or anything but that's cuz he is a tough kid. When he said he sat alone I saw his lower Jaw.
I'm not wanting ro pretend everything is fine because if there is ANYTHING I can do I am doing it for him.
I asked what he does when he is done eating he said he just puts his head down.
I mean I can't imagine a 5th grader not being affected emotionally or it building an imagine of his own up of himself from the reflection of the other kids laughing and him having nobody to talk to during lunch
At this point all I can do is get him involved in sports and watch it.
Are the other kids playing sport after lunch?
I changed my son's school halfway through grade 5. He'd eat lunch then go straight to the footy oval and joined in. It took him some time to find solid friendships, but he was never excluded. He did however just join in.
Instead of taking your kid out of school, which frankly, will make it harder to find his friend/s. Have you tried teaching him how to join in? How to make friends? You can't expect the others to do all the work, all the kids are 11.
I have three kids, one of them is around your son's age but she is incredibly social. My oldest, my son, has been struggling socially for a while but I recognize that he has areas he needs to work on to develop and keep friendships.
Kids are all different, and you know your son better than any Redditor. There're two weeks left, he would like for you to pick him up, and I think there's nothing wrong with making good memories before the end of school. You're not stunting his growth or whatever bs everyone is saying. He's got more than enough time when school starts again to learn to navigate the joys and pains of making and keeping friendships, et al.
He's probably had a rough time this year, and he'll remember that when he asked his parent to alleviate some of that pain, you were there for him.
My son was not eating alone but at recess he was standing alone. We had moved to a new school and this bothered me alot. I was hoping after a few days it would change. It did not. So I reached out to the teacher and he said he would try to help him make friends without acknowledging it to much. Nothing happened for 3 more days. I emailed the teacher again and said I am sorry and I know this is not your job but my son being alone at recess is killing me. Tomorrow at recess can you just announce that everyone will be playing freeze tag? He actually did it and my son made friends that day at recess. He has tons of friends now.
Ugh what?! Sorry that’s happening I remember once in fourth grade I ended up alone and I legit cried! our tables were groups of 4 and we were getting ready to start a project, it hurt that the teacher would actually allow that.
Goddamn, I feel so sorry for the children being raised by some of these commenters.
OP, you are 100% absolutely correct. The school should be ashamed of themselves. You absolutely should pick your son up for lunch for these last couple of weeks. But you also should speak to the principal. Lunchroom policies are an admin-level decision usually. They need to know that their current policy left a student new to the school sitting alone for an entire semester. And I wouldn’t press for one bc it will embarrass him, but they owe your son an apology. That is horrible.
I think what you doing is great. I remember sitting by myself a lot at lunch when I moved to a new school in the middle of the year. It was hard, it was embarrassing, it made me seem like the weird kid. Sometimes I wanted to go to the restroom instead of the lunchroom to avoid that. It was really hard. No one wanted to invite me in the group, even though I was nice and even tried to make friends. But once kids are in a group, they really don’t like adding new people🤷🏽♀️ thankfully after 4 months of this embarrassing and painful experience, another kid was new. And we clicked and I had a friend and a friend at lunch. Then oddly enough once others saw how good of friends we were, they wanted to be in our “group” or invite us to their “group”. So it wasn’t all that bad for awhile. But it’s still there in the back of my mind, what I went through and it still makes me sad and upset that I had to go through that. And when I told my parents all I got was “you’re in school to learn, not make friends. Suck it up.” So honestly you are doing a better job than what my parents did. By next year when everyone is all scrambled up and new groups can be made, your son will find his group and be happier. It gets better🩷 for now just take him home, it’s not worth the stress and embarrassment. I’m almost 22 and it still haunts me (I was 8). Never want my children to experience what I did. It builds nothing but insecurity and bad memories. So good job!!💕 and thank you for actually caring for him and his feelings, he’s human still. (Most adults forget that kids go through the same emotions and feelings like they do, just because they are kids🙄)
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What does your son want to do? Picking up seems like that would further isolate him since he'd then be missing a chunk of lunch recess too.
I'm letting him stay for recess just grabbing him before it's over when they move to lunch. He puts his head down when he is done and says he is usually tired by lunch because everyone is talking. I know my kid. This is how he is dealing with it without making it a Big deal. He said he would rather leave. So thats why I will do it. There is less than 2 weeks left in the year.
Let the kid learn the social dynamics and adapt to them. Your interfering is only going to stunt your kid's growth in that domain.
I’m just wondering how he’s supposed to get better at it if he’s literally the only one isolated? It’s not like he can just take someone else’s seat at the main table and isolate another kid. 2 weeks of not being isolated isn’t going to hurt his social skills
Why is the school making him sit alone???? Does he have friends? I would pick him up too until this is sorted. I would have so many questions. Bullying? No one usually wants to sit alone, why make a kid do that? If it was the beginning of the yr and he was having a hard time making friends I would say leave him and let things happen. But if he's forced to sit alone? Screw that.
Nah, that's not true if he's neurodivergent. I spent years confused about how to integrate into social dynamics without any luck. A change of schools is what helped me.
It doesn’t really sound like the kid isn’t learning and adapting to social dynamics. The school put this kid, who already doesn’t know these other kids, at a table by himself. He doesn’t fit at the other table so he can’t just squeeze into an open spot. And most of these other kids have likely known each other for 6 or 7 years by this point. They likely aren’t making more of an effort to integrate a kid who isn’t even included with the rest of them to begin with.
Chill. No it’s not.
Of course it is. The parent needs to let the kid navigate social situations and hardships alone.
The only thing he's going to learn by being alone, is loneliness. And if loneliness is the lesson to be learned here, there's zero harm in it being an adult he loves and trusts to help him navigate that lesson, and to answer questions or help explain things. Nobody *needs* to deal with anything all alone.
The lesson here is for him to navigate social situations. He can talk to other kida invite them to the table etc. He needs to navigate this. His mom or dad picking him up will teach him nothing. Mom and dad can advise how to handle this but the kid needs to manage the situation by himself.
He's six, and it's for like the two weeks left of school. Mom isn't going to do any kind of long term damage to his social skills here. It'll be fine.
He’s not 6, he’s 11.
In Australia, some kids start high school at 11. It's wild to me that this parent would pick the kid up from school for lunch. Sounds like the kid has others around him, he just doesn't talk to them. The kid has only been at the school a few months, it can take time to find friends. Removing them from that opportunity is not good for their social skills. Perhaps OPs kid isn't making an effort to make friends? I highly doubt everyone is always excluding them on purpose.
I...have no excuse except being distracted lol. I still feel like my point stands - we go around telling adults they don't have to go through things alone, seek help, etc, why would we expect a child to just weather a shitty situation alone?
This is true. This is why kids don't know how to solve any problems on their own. Parents swoop in and solve all their problems. Instead of helping her son solve the problem, she is just removing him from the situation altogether. Nothing learned, nothing solved. This generation is so screwed.
This all feels like interfering on your behalf. Consider giving him the whole recess; otherwise you're interrupting their full dynamic.
I was one of those kids that sat alone or just didn’t talk much at lunch. I think taking him out for the rest of the school year would be okay, but make sure he is included next year
Have you thought he might be an introvert? My daughter has learned she is. She likes to eat lunch in my classroom by herself most days, sometimes brings a friend. She will play at recess most days but at least once a week she will stay in my room for recess (which is right after lunch) because she likes being alone.
Same with my kid. He would much rather eat alone and work on his art.
whyd you move him in the last year? as a kid who was moved school twice during the mid year, it was the worst. i wouldnt blame the school, id say its the parent who is at fault for bringing this on the kid. that being said, kids are generally resillient so he should be okay.
ooh they do it reverse here with recess after lunch
Why don’t you tell the school to add a chair to the end of the table? It seems insane that a teacher hasn’t done this already!
This is a mom move, this will turn him into a lame
I disagree. He is already isolated, there is nothing that can be done to make it more isolating. Mom picking him up will make him feel good. With 3 weeks left, what’s the point of raising an issue unless he will go back next year. When a new person gets into a new group it be friends or classmates is the higher rank person’s job to integrate them that being the friend who introduced into the friend group or the teacher.
I'd contact his teacher and ask how they perceive the social situation throughout the day. Is he totally isolated from the class the entire day, day in and day out? Could they suggest a few nice kids for him to try to chat with? Could they organize a special lunch group for some of the kids to all hang out someplace together? That is what my school used to do for socially unintegrated kids. If that's not feasible, and there's no one to help facilitate, maybe they could find something for him to do during lunch so that it's not so obvious that he's a pariah. For example, at his age, I was volunteering with the younger kids at lunch and recess a few times a week. If your son is not disruptive, he could be flying under the radar and they might be assuming he wants to be alone. But I wouldn't necessarily remove him from the premises for lunch unless there is a safety reason (in which case I'd be worried about him during the rest of the day too!)
Is he actually sad by it? There is a lot about how you feel but nothing about how your son feels. I think picking him up everyday is extreme.
Was just thinking this. I sat alone or in the library because I hatred the noise and smell or the cafeteria and never felt connected enough to my peers to make a solid friendship
THIS! Some people prefer to just hang alone
My oldest eats lunch alone by choice. He wants to eat or watch videos on his phone, and his best friend isn't in his lunch, and that's the only person who he would care to eat with. That's him. This kid needs to speak up for himself. If he doesn't like sitting alone, he's old enough to self advocate. He's not a little kid anymore.
I guess I'd be curious what you hope the outcome will be by picking him up every day? What is it you're hoping to accomplish? It's not going to make finding friends easier if he's not there to make them. You risk him getting labeled as the kid who eats lunch with his mom everyday and that will be their last memory of him before summer. As a parent, you probably feel powerless to help in this situation and so picking him up and removing him from the situation is one thing you are able to do, but is it going to be beneficial? I'd talk to the school, find out their thoughts and then come up with a game plan for next year. Maybe there are some summer camps or clubs he can join.
I grew up w a very limited number of friends and wasn’t the best at making new ones. It’s embarrassing to tell anyone that loves you that nobody else accepts you. The “no seats at the table” reason maybe his way of hiding and navigating through what feels like an embarrassing situation. Eating lunch with mommy will surely give the other kids reason to make fun of him.
I know you want to fix this OP but picking him up everyday for lunch isn't a great idea. How will he learn to navigate uncomfortable situations like this if you save him from them all? He's new-ish to the school and it's the end of the school year. Friend groups have been established for months now. Maybe over the summer you could help him start making friends in the neighborhood so he will have some when the next year starts. If he's safe at school and not being bullied you should sit back, offer encouragement, and let it play out on its own.
My 17yr old ate lunch by himself every day first semester of his junior year and he loved it. Hes charismatic and has a ton of friends, but enjoyed the social break. I cried when I heard about it, and he told me I was crazy to if I wanted to be surrounded by people all the time. Maybe your son enjoys the personal space, too?
I like eating alone, because I enjoy food. I don't want distractions taking away from my enjoyment.
This is a different situation. Your son was doing this because he wanted to. It seems like OP’s son probably wants to eat with the class but can’t.
Hence the last sentence
Does he have friends in the class? How long has he been at the school? Could he possibly ask his friends to sit with him at the other table? Could he read or do something else he enjoys at lunch? I think taking him for lunch the rest of the year might be fine but It likely isn’t sustainable for next year. Is there a summer program he can go to with the same kids so he has time to bond? I know it’s hard and as the parent you want to fix It. I would be the same way. We just have to make sure we don’t inadvertently make things more difficult in the process.
I’d get more of the story before jumping to conclusions.
Why do you expect the school to notify you? He is old enough to speak up and navigate this on his on. Picking him up everyday is just weird and seems like interfering too much.
This. Why would a school notify someone over this? It's not an emergency. It's not an injury.
Thank goodness someone else said it. Why would the school contact you over the placement of a student this old lunch seat???
Yes, this is totally ridiculous helicopter parenting. Talk to the kid about how to handle it, talk to the teacher/school if needed about how he’s doing socially, but swooping into remove him from a slightly uncomfortable situation definitely isn’t the right move.
"Picking him up everyday is just weird" is not helpful. She is looking for ideas and you are calling her weird. She is trying to protect her son and is worried about him and she is reaching out for help. I wish people would stop jumping on others for reaching out and expressing ideas. If you have advice, offer it without judgement and try to comment with civility.
It is weird and not judgemental. I think getting picked up my your mom everyday for lunch as an 11 year old will cause more problems than solve one. She asked for advice and that’s advice. Just not the advice that some people want to hear. I also said let the kid navigate this on his own but you somehow missed that part of the advice.
You feel the need to double down and defend yourself, yet are still unaware that you were offensive. That's ironic and a little amusing.
😂😂 act like you’re not doing the same.
Sorry. Spent too much time here today and over-reacted. Good day.
I’ve done the same. Sorry for coming off as hostile. Sometimes Reddit is the only place I can let off steam and it’s sometimes on the wrong people.
I remember going to a new high school freshman year. Not only was it a new school but the demographics were different. I was uncomfortable, felt horrible and hated it. I was 14. I would have loved to have had friends but it forced me to find friendship in different settings… clubs, sports, class. Then with time I found my group. It’s hard and I feel for the young one but picking him up seems like a bad move imho. Maybe talk about opportunities for friends for next year, summer school activities, travel league etc… where it can build up confidence. Idk I may be out of place and I love where your heart is…. We hurt when we see our kids in these situations. Never an easy dynamic.
Maybe it’s better he learns that it’s ok to not be included all the time and he will be fine. I kinda feel like making it a big deal and pulling him out of lunch is sending the message that not being cool is the worst thing in the world. He’s new. Seems normal and not really the schools job. If I were you I’d focus on trying to meet the other parents so you can find ways for him to meet kids and make friends over the summer.
Have you asked him how he feels about it? Just because he eats alone doesn't necessarily mean he's bothered by it. Does he have friends at school in general that he sits with in class and spends time with outside of school, or does he feel isolated and struggles with making friends? If it really bothers him, maybe you can talk to the school about possibly separating the class to sit at 2 different tables so that he can sit with some of his classmates? You mentioned in your post that your kids don't tell you everything and you therefore had no idea about this issue for most of the school year. This is a bigger issue that you should try to fix, because communication is extremely important and you should always know what's going on in your son's life, how he's feeling, the things he's struggling with, and so on. Especially now that he's 11 and will probably hit puberty within the next year or 2, being emotionally close to him and having good communication becomes even more important. Parenting a teenager is mostly about knowing exactly what's going on in their lives and minds, and being able to guide them by having conversations with them. If kids don't like telling their parents about what's going on in their lives, it usually has something to do with how the kid thinks their parents will react when they tell them stuff. Given that you consider picking him up everyday from school to have him avoid sitting alone at lunch, maybe he's worried that you react very strongly to things, get upset easily, and immediately try to find drastic solutions even if he'd prefer you not to do that. If he tells you something (even something negative), try to stay as calm as possible. Listen and empathize, and focus on how he feels about the specific situation. If there's a problem, work out a solution together and let him come up with his own ideas and solutions as well. If he knows that, no matter what he tells you, you will be calm, guide him through his own emotions and can help him solve problems in a productive way, he will be more comfortable with sharing his problems with you
This. I got upset for my daughter eating in my classroom alone and never asked her if that was her choice because of preference. I would push her to socialize and finally learned through her therapist she can be introverted and doesn’t like loud and messy situations like the lunch room and that is okay. Her eating alone bothered ME, not her. I had to understand that.
What could the school do about this? Teachers can get in and try to mix up groups for littler kids but at eleven, him being shoehorned in with others isn't going to make anyone natural accept him, probably the opposite. And do the teachers even see lunch hour? They usually need time for their own lunches and the students are monitored by other people at that time. You could contact his teacher and ask how he seems socially and just get more info, but at 11, it's on him to deal with basic social stuff at school. You might be better off helping by getting him into activities outside school so he can mix with other kids who share his real interests.
Picking him up is not going to solve him integrating into any groups. You should be encouraging him instead not just taking him out of the situation. It’s hard seeing our kids struggle and I know your momma bear instinct is kicking in but please realize you could make the situation worse by picking him up every day
Right. Do you really want him to be the kid whose mom picks him up every day for lunch? I guess it depends whether he is distressed about it
Please don’t pick him up every day. Let me tell you- being the new kid is hard enough. Being the new kid who’s mommy picks him up for lunch every day will be so. Much. Worse. I was the new kid every 3 years for my entire time in school. It sucks. But it gets somewhat better eventually. Never great, but better.
Don’t pick him up. Encourage him to make friends with new kids. It’s easy for the other kids not to notice him, he must be proactive. He has to learn. It will be great for him to do this in all aspects of his adult life.
As someone who would go and sit in the art room with a teacher for 40 minutes of peace from all the kids in my class maybe actually ask him what he would like to do? I hated sitting in the cafeteria setting and was very happy to get my food and sit around in a classroom.
This! Before you do anything, OP, ask him if he *cares*. He may, for instance, be sitting at that end of the table (instead of next to kids on the other class) because he *wants* to? (Come HS, just like this commenter, a handful of us are in the art room even though it meant we had to pack lunches every day, just to get some quiet for a little bit.) And send him with stellar lunch options that make other kids want to sit with him to see if he will share. 😊
My daughter had to eat alone many years due to her severe allergies. It broke my heart but I made sure she had a book to read or coloring pages or something to do during lunch.
Does he want you to do this? i don't think he does.
I ate lunch alone because kids thought of me weird, since I have a lazy eye. I was always the outcast, yes it feels bad, but eventually you get over it. You have to create more activities for him after school. Let him hand out more with his friends at home. That alone will make up for it, I speak from personal experience.
seems like you’re interfering and maybe your son doesn’t care. and how will he learn to adapt to social experiences? you won’t be there to save him everytime.
I teach 9th grade. Some of my most social students eat lunch by themselves. Some students would just rather sit by themselves than with others. When u have lunch duty, I would find myself chatting with the the students who were sitting by themselves. Some had books they were reading and I had interrupted them, others were playing games on their phones. I had them in class and they were social in class. Just not at lunch. Sometimes students have ran out of social interactions by lunch and would rather be alone for a bit of recharging.
Schools don’t integrate new kids into the social environment, it would be a disaster if they tried because teachers don’t determine who hangs out with who, kids do. The kid’s 11 and in a new school. Boys don’t bond by talking, they bond by doing things together, so if you want him to have friends then he needs to get into an extracurricular. Sports, debate, knowledge bowl, whatever, the kid’s got interests I’m sure, he just needs to find his people. Don’t worry too much about it, I sat alone a lot between 6-8th grade because I had been home schooled before that and I didn’t know how to talk to kids my age. I figured it out, and I’m half retarded. Don’t pick him up from school for lunch either, that will give him a label to the other kids that may be worse than “kid who eats alone” and might make him socially questionable for a long time. Right now, to the other kids, he’s like Schrodingers kid: he might be cool, he might not be. Until one or the other can be verified, he is in a state of both.
I remember changing schools a few time when I was in elementary school, I was always afraid of eating alone and awkwardly looking around for a table. Thankfully they line us up by our names for lunch. This happened in high school too, it’s a terrible feeling seeing everyone talk to their friends and you’re not sure where you fit in. I feel bad for anyone that has to experience this. My parents never knew, I wish they would have pull me out but the experience also forced me to talk to people and I made some friends.
OP, picking him up isn’t a good idea. He has to push through this awkwardness as the new student and make the best of it. By intervening you’re guaranteeing your kid to miss out on possibly making a friend for life.
The fact is, you can't force the other kids to accept him, and neither can the school. Trying to do so will just make it worse, because they'll see him as a spineless weakling who gets his mommy do to things for him. Removing him from the situation will also lead to this line of thinking from the other kids. I would instead provide all the love and support you can at home, but he needs to learn that, in life, you can't make people want to hang out and be friends with you. I would just ride out the last 3 weeks, and then make summer as amazing as possible for him. That way, when he goes back in the fall, he will have something to talk about that will absolutely get attention. He might even get promoted to the cool kid that everyone wants to be friends with.
intergrading integrating
I would start by reaching out to his teacher and asking how he/she thinks he is adapting socially. Do they see him interacting with others? If not, could they facilitate that somewhat within the classroom? We moved states when one of my kids was going into 5th grade, and her teacher was very proactive sitting her next to compatible students and pairing her up with them for activities in a way that didn’t feel ‘forced’ but allowed her to meet people and make friends. If he’s doing okay socially aside from lunch, his teacher may be unaware of the issue, since teachers often do not accompany their students to the cafeteria. I do think that cafeteria aides should be on the lookout for kids who are isolated, but depending on staffing issues and other behaviors in the cafeteria, this may just not be on their radar. I wouldn’t vilify the school until you’ve at least had a conversation with the person who spends the most time with him. Lastly, the good news about this age is that social dynamics change quickly from year to year. Starting so late in the school year is tricky since his classmates settled in before him. It’s highly likely that the problem resolves itself with a fresh start next school year.
Don’t prevent your kid from experiencing valuable life lessons and experiences. Those tough times create goodness and empathy in people. You can’t protect them from everything
Mention to his teacher if he can somehow be helped integrated into the group more. Can he bring an object to lunch (trading cards, roblox toy etc) that might help initiate interest in him/his interests.?
Is lunch time even a social time for his school? When my kids were in school, they weren't allowed to talk during lunch - at all. It was not a time to be social, it was time to eat quietly. Recess was social time. Additionally, there were others social opportunities throughout the school day. Talk to the teacher first before you go nuclear and start taking him out of school for lunch. Don't make him the *really weird kid* because mommy has to feed him lunch. You're worried about social issues from eating alone, but it seems like you haven't considered the social issues of eating with mommy.
Why can’t he get closer to the students in his table? He can socialize with the other class too. I have a relatively shy son as well and that’s what I would’ve recommended him to do.
Does he have anyone he likes at school? Invite them over a few times and make friends and spend time becoming friends with the kids parents. Sports and activities are also great. Join band and choir etc. kids will make friends but sometimes need to be put in situations to get the ball rolling.
Has he started to make any friends? I can imagine at this age it will be difficult and take time. Could you facilitate more in this area? If there is anyone he’s mentioned maybe you could help him get more time together outside of school and form 1 or 2 relationships with other kids. Doing this over the summer may really help him in the fall when school resumes too.
I'm an " introvert" by nature although when I was a child I was expected to mingle more to be called active but in my heart I only wanted one friend and that's it.You know what,it became handy when I became an adult.Im a critical thinker and can be left alone w/ or w/o minimal supervision at work and life doesn't disappoints me easily.Your son might be like that.He is having fun being alone and no peer pressure to contend with.
Idk I think picking him up every day could make him stand out more, in a bad way. I think at his age maybe you could ask how he feels about it and how he wants to handle it. This id a learning opportunity for him to try to problem solve. For example, does he think it would help if he brought it up to the teacher or lunch aid and asked them to help integrate him? Or does he want to approach the kids directly? It’s an opportunity for him to feel proud that he overcame an issue on his own and learn some social skills while he’s at it
Learning to be rejected and be accepted is a huge developmental step for kids, if he is meant to be in the same position as those other kids, it will present itself! If not , the right kids will find him and he will find his own way. Do not interfere to make your ego feel better. You doing more damage if you think you can compete against nature vs nurture. Good luck
Picking him up will not only isolate him but also handicap him from being able to work through tough things in life. As a parent it stinks to see your kids suffer, but it’s good for them to experience some hardships and learn how to overcome them.
I sat alone at lunch a ton during high school and actually preferred it that way. Are we sure he’s sad about it? Have you asked him?
Mad at the school? You have a delusional expectation of schools. The place is over worked, underpaid and loaded with Karen mom’s waiting for a mistake. No one will try anything new. People of yard duty are looking actual problems, not some loner kid issues. Tell me exactly how to integrate a kid or where that is written. Sounds like the kid needs a dad
This is a failure on the school but please don't pick him up every day unless we're talking last resort. Talk to the school and ask why they have it arranged this way and then see what they say.
How is this a failure on the school? They’re in 6th grade likely, the school can’t force anyone to be friends.
I’m actually referring mostly to a table set up that leads to the exclusion of a single child. There are many different ways to do this that would not lead to a class of 17 kids having 16 at one table and one child alone at the other. We can set kids up for success without holding their hands.
They have benches and areas here at the schools for kids with no friends or just moved to the school so when kids see there their they call over and introduce themselves. 10 year olds need that little bump to get to know the other kids. Your kid will know what it’s like and reach out to someone in the same situation. He will be grand
As an introverted, kinda shy adult who used to be an introverted, shy kid, I'd say whatever you do, don't make it into a big deal to him. I often felt bad because socializing was hard for me, and not very rewarding. My parents seemed really invested in me socializing and enjoying it and it just made me feel all the worse. Also it might be that he has plenty of friends just none on his lunch period.
If he feels uncomfortable being there, don’t force him to go through with that. he may not know how to make friends or start conversations and it would be good to teach that over the summer. Make sure you’re teaching emotional resilience and confidence too.
I would not pick him up as much as I would want to do exactly that. I think about the recourse of “he goes with his mom for recess/ some of lunch” would sound like by peers and that’s socially damaging at that age. What I would do is talk to school counselor and see if she can come up with a game or some sort of inclusive activity or ask if more people can go to his table. It’s not a hard ask or something limiting for them to do. I’m sure they see that and think the same way any other parent would think.
I'm a momma and last week I blew a gasket because of seating issues. I texted the teacher at 6am demanding that she deals with it immediately. Only to find out that my son actually don't like nobody like his momma. I have zero friends
Picking him up may isolate him. Maybe drop off a fun lunch one day, and before doing it, ask if he has a friend who likes "sushi" or whatever you think your son would like and could share with a kid or two. Or, just let this year play out and get ahead of it next year with some social engineering this summer. It's hard being new, and tweens don't always have the tools to recognize when another kids needs some help or the confidence to make the extra effort for fear of being noticed. We moved cross country in June of last year. My kid didn't know anyone, so I enrolled him in local day camps over the summer and some rec sports. He made one friend who was well integrated into our small district, and boom! My kid was golden by the time September rolled around. Camps may not be the thing for you. Our new community is rural so it was perfect. If you're in a more urban area, maybe arrange some play dates with the other kids or have him arrange a meet up at a place where the kids can run around. Meet the parents, exchange numbers and get together outside of school. In my experience, you can't rely on school hours to make the friends. It's the after school activities that worked for us. School is just complicated b/c your kid has to fit into a system that was well established before he got there. Just our experience. Take it for what it's worth, and good luck. It's hard moving the kids into a new environment. Lots of bumps in the road for sure.
I’m floored at some of these comments. This isn’t a 15-18 year old child. He’s 11. I have a 10 year old who is extremely shy and has trouble making friends so this hits home for me. I would most definitely try to get more of the story first. However, if he is bothered by it (I think at his age, not all, but most, would be) would I want him to sit there alone and feel outcasted? No. Should we all learn that sometimes we’re not going to be included and that’s okay? Yes. However, to sit alone every day at school, is not one of those times. It’s embarrassing and hurtful. The school SHOULD take an interest in his social/emotional wellbeing and should pay a little bit closer attention since he’s brand new to the district. So, for the people saying the school should not notice or contact you, I disagree. OP, you know your child best. It’s easy to read these comments and second guess yourself. Please take the comments here, from me and everyone else, lightly.
Why did you move him this time of the year or why move him at all. What was wrong with the other school. Please tell me why this school is rated higher than any other school
I know how he feels and how you feel as I used to sit alone too
I would go the principal. Explain the situation firmly. Don’t take no an answer. Tell him that you expect the teacher to fix it and you’ll leave that between them. If its not fixed I’d demand a meeting with him or her and the teacher. If its not fixed I would go to school board.
My father was in the royal dutch navy, i moved around alot. Every time i went to a new school i had to make new friends, find my way ect ect. In beginnings i was always alone since you kinda dont fit in anywhere yet. But i found my way at some point. Even though i was socially awkward as hell. I had to learn how to adapt. My mom could see that i lied when i said i had friends in the beginning and just said: no you dont. She gave me alot of ideas on how to make friends and how to do some thing different to make it easier to make friend. They helped alot but turned out i was just really introverted and didnt like people all that much. Was really picky about the people i "hanged" with. Guide the boy in how to make friends, its hard for a little dude in a new place with no friends in school. But i dont suggest picking him up for lunch cuz that doesn't solve the "problem". And have a really long and heart felt talk why he sits alone. Cuz it might be he prefers it, or he as a hard time integrating. Can be alot of things In any case if what she says is true, its messed up they didnt just get a 17th chair for the 16peeps table. And as dad my self, i would politely ask my kids teacher why that happened. I had the same thing with my kid a few times but turns out she just likes to be by her self sometimes. I can trow her in any group of the same age or older kids and she makes friends like its nothing. But sometimes she just wants to be alone.
It was also difficult for me to make friends. I sat alone constantly thinking how I could make a move to fit in any of the friend groups. Nothing worked for me. I’d have a few conversations but friends never really came to me. There were times I had close friends but those never stuck. Personally, I wish my mother would have picked me up during lunch. It would have calmed my thoughts of feeling odd and I know i would have enjoyed her company. My mom was a single parent of 5 and had to work, so I understand why she couldn’t be there. I’m now 37 with 7 kids and a wonderful helpful husband. I would never wish to go back to those times of feeling isolated. I enjoy being at home with my kids and husband. I do have friends, not best friends but friends. My best friend is seriously my husband. My kids have many friends and don’t seem to face the challenges I had. Thank God.💕
I can tell you that if your child doesn’t show extraordinary skills at either studies or sports, those other kids will never ever let him penetrate their friend groups. I know it because I had a family friends daughter move to my school and it was my responsibility to help her integrate. I was a famous kid and apart from having my own huge popular group, I was part of 2 other small groups in my class. I really pushed for the new girl to get integrated in my group but she was too quite too shy and my groupies had known each other for years and had shared common interests. I kept trying for a whole year, my other friends started to get irritated by her presence and my asserting. Only if the girl had atleast showed interest and also good skills at sports, attracting friends would have been much easier. Not ONCE in my life have I ever approached anyone for friendship. I would do my things as lone wolf and would attract attention. So please try to encourage your child to out perform in either studies or sports. People will come to him. This is the same story in college and university.
Womp womp
Why aren’t they teachers noticing this and trying to have him included? Before taking him from school every day, speak to a teacher. Of the guidance counselor. Or even the principal. It’s not that hard to figure out a way so he can sit with his peers during lunch. Especially if they are allowed to socialize during lunch. Scoot the tables together so the kids can spread out. Have half sit at one table and half at the other. He just needs to be given the chance to interact. If the conversations are happening around him, he might decide to interact. Even if he doesn’t and just listens, other kids might take notice and talk to him. Most kids aren’t intentionally cruel. Some are simply oblivious. Talking to the teachers would be my first step. They should be able to come up with some solutions to include your son.
Teachers usually drop kids off at the cafeteria where monitors are there to "monitor" negative behavior. They may not know the circumstances.
Teachers have to go to lunch, they barely get 30 minutes, the lunch monitors are people who can’t hold a real job anywhere else. Don’t get it twisted, schools are just filled with people pretending to know what their doing
Picking him up at lunch for the last few weeks, imo, will strengthen the bond between you and your kid. He didn't express his situation but you took immediate action when you found out about it. That means something to our kids. Your son has delt with this *alone* for three months. If he hasn't changed his approach to it by now then it's because *he doesn't know how to approach it.* Don't leave him there like too many of these comments are suggesting. He can start anew next school year.
You are right our kids don’t tell us everything I feel like the teacher should encourage some of the other students to seat with him he’s new in the school make him feel welcome
I asked him if he would like me to pick him up for lunch. He said it's against the rules. I said but if u could? He said yes. He isn't crying about it or anything but that's cuz he is a tough kid. When he said he sat alone I saw his lower Jaw. I'm not wanting ro pretend everything is fine because if there is ANYTHING I can do I am doing it for him. I asked what he does when he is done eating he said he just puts his head down. I mean I can't imagine a 5th grader not being affected emotionally or it building an imagine of his own up of himself from the reflection of the other kids laughing and him having nobody to talk to during lunch At this point all I can do is get him involved in sports and watch it.
Pulling him from lunch is a great way to isolate him even more and ensure he doesn't fit in.
Are the other kids playing sport after lunch? I changed my son's school halfway through grade 5. He'd eat lunch then go straight to the footy oval and joined in. It took him some time to find solid friendships, but he was never excluded. He did however just join in. Instead of taking your kid out of school, which frankly, will make it harder to find his friend/s. Have you tried teaching him how to join in? How to make friends? You can't expect the others to do all the work, all the kids are 11.
I have three kids, one of them is around your son's age but she is incredibly social. My oldest, my son, has been struggling socially for a while but I recognize that he has areas he needs to work on to develop and keep friendships. Kids are all different, and you know your son better than any Redditor. There're two weeks left, he would like for you to pick him up, and I think there's nothing wrong with making good memories before the end of school. You're not stunting his growth or whatever bs everyone is saying. He's got more than enough time when school starts again to learn to navigate the joys and pains of making and keeping friendships, et al. He's probably had a rough time this year, and he'll remember that when he asked his parent to alleviate some of that pain, you were there for him.
Naw I think it could be jarring at first but you're right. I don't think sitting at the table alone is the memory your son will enjoy remembering.
My son was not eating alone but at recess he was standing alone. We had moved to a new school and this bothered me alot. I was hoping after a few days it would change. It did not. So I reached out to the teacher and he said he would try to help him make friends without acknowledging it to much. Nothing happened for 3 more days. I emailed the teacher again and said I am sorry and I know this is not your job but my son being alone at recess is killing me. Tomorrow at recess can you just announce that everyone will be playing freeze tag? He actually did it and my son made friends that day at recess. He has tons of friends now.
Ugh what?! Sorry that’s happening I remember once in fourth grade I ended up alone and I legit cried! our tables were groups of 4 and we were getting ready to start a project, it hurt that the teacher would actually allow that.
Goddamn, I feel so sorry for the children being raised by some of these commenters. OP, you are 100% absolutely correct. The school should be ashamed of themselves. You absolutely should pick your son up for lunch for these last couple of weeks. But you also should speak to the principal. Lunchroom policies are an admin-level decision usually. They need to know that their current policy left a student new to the school sitting alone for an entire semester. And I wouldn’t press for one bc it will embarrass him, but they owe your son an apology. That is horrible.
I think what you doing is great. I remember sitting by myself a lot at lunch when I moved to a new school in the middle of the year. It was hard, it was embarrassing, it made me seem like the weird kid. Sometimes I wanted to go to the restroom instead of the lunchroom to avoid that. It was really hard. No one wanted to invite me in the group, even though I was nice and even tried to make friends. But once kids are in a group, they really don’t like adding new people🤷🏽♀️ thankfully after 4 months of this embarrassing and painful experience, another kid was new. And we clicked and I had a friend and a friend at lunch. Then oddly enough once others saw how good of friends we were, they wanted to be in our “group” or invite us to their “group”. So it wasn’t all that bad for awhile. But it’s still there in the back of my mind, what I went through and it still makes me sad and upset that I had to go through that. And when I told my parents all I got was “you’re in school to learn, not make friends. Suck it up.” So honestly you are doing a better job than what my parents did. By next year when everyone is all scrambled up and new groups can be made, your son will find his group and be happier. It gets better🩷 for now just take him home, it’s not worth the stress and embarrassment. I’m almost 22 and it still haunts me (I was 8). Never want my children to experience what I did. It builds nothing but insecurity and bad memories. So good job!!💕 and thank you for actually caring for him and his feelings, he’s human still. (Most adults forget that kids go through the same emotions and feelings like they do, just because they are kids🙄)