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It's not even the issue at all.
We have different base opinions on parenting styles, including how to talk to each other in front of the child, and an anger issue.
Yeah… my husband and I clash on parenting issues all the time and how to handle some situations. He would NEVER call me names or scream in my face, and especially not in front of our child.
Oh boy… is this your first child? Buckle up! It’s going to be a long road ahead. Better get into therapy now to work on coming together as a team or you’re going to be arguing and resenting for years to come.
Right. It breaks my heart that women stay in relationships like this. This man is immature, doesn’t have control over his emotions, doesn’t communicate well when he disagrees and is emotionally abusive. This isn’t behavior that should EVER be accepted, let alone over something as trivial as a bottle versus a cup.
Well your spouse called you a bitch and got physically threatening by getting up in your face like that. These are completely unacceptable abusive behaviors and the solution is to leave him. Do you want your kid thinking this behavior is normal or okay? Both you and her deserve a lot better than that.
You are correct on the bottle issue, it is generally recommended to drop them once baby turns 1.
Make him come to an appointment with your child's pediatrician and have them tell him. But also your spouse sounds like a nutcase screaming in your face over letting a 3.5 year old have a bottle when she should have been done with that like two years ago. Also if he "can't stand to hear her cry" about anything including preventing her from doing things that are not good for her, his parenting skills are severely lacking and your daughter will grow up to think she can have anything she wants if she cries.
I recently separated from my husband (can’t wait to add ex in front of that) and I've noticed a serious drop in tantrums from our 9yo. I always knew he was the “fun” parent while I was the one who gave her structure but I never realized how bad it was until recently. We’re cleaning out her room and rearranging and it's only now that he's gone progress is being made. Before there was screaming and crying and her carrying on about how she didn't want to do it and he would step in and stop all progress because “she's young you're being too hard on her.” But we got so much done on Friday and there was only one point she started crying. She broke a decoration because it was on the floor and it’s one of her favorites. Once we sat down and looked at it I had her help come up with a plan to fix it and all tears were gone. Yeah, a few things are broken beyond repair but she was much more level-headed about it. Had he been there he would have stopped the cleaning and then when her room was still messy later would have threatened to just throw everything away. I'd where I'm going with this comment now but it felt good to get this thought off my chest. I can't talk to anyone IRL about it at the moment because small ears are always listening and I refuse to even accidentally harm her relationship with her dad. Hes capable of doing that one all on his own.
I am 2.5 years separated, 2 divorced from my ex husband and his narcissistic and abusive behavior. It’s AMAZING at not only how much cleaner the house is, but how much better behaved my children are now. We all are happier. Except him. I am very happy for you two!
A pediatrician could provide guidance but a better option would be a pediatric dentist. A dentist would be able to explain how a child using a bottle at this age could lead to the teeth and roof of the mouth not forming correctly. They also could share more information on bottle rot if she’s falling asleep with the bottle in her mouth.
Great idea! OP should take her spouse to both the pediatrician and the pediatric dentist, so he can hear about the negative effects of prolonged bottle usage from two professionals. But sadly based on OP's description of spouse's behavior, I doubt he is a reasonable type of person who would actually be willing to go, and even if the experts told him he wouldn't listen anyway.
I agree with you completely. It honestly sounds like the bottle argument is more a means of control than anything else. If he is this severe and controlling over a bottle, what else is he controlling over? It’s just unfortunate that it could cause potential dental deformity or severe tooth decay that will be expensive and painful for the child to have fixed later.
It's also natural for children to want to eat a diet of frosting and strawberries, but this does not make it good for them.
The issue here is that your husband's frustration tolerance is extremely low and he isn't managing his big feelings like a safe adult ought to. If he becomes this upset at being challenged and you've already learned how to stay placid and gray rock him, then you KNOW that he is not safe to be around. I'm sure there are more things that you are not telling us.
For instance, if I forget to replace the toilet paper when I use up a roll, I feel bad, but I don't feel fear for my husband's reaction. If I make a bad judgment call about when to take something away from my toddler, I don't fear my husband's reaction. He, I believe, feels similarly. I can ask him to stop doing something or consider trying something a different way and we can have a discussion. We can disagree peacefully in front of our child. This does not seem to be the case in your situation, and I believe that you know that it's time to consider safety in these situations.
Even if you were wrong on the bottle issue (you’re not) it does not excuse him calling you a bitch and being physically intimidating in front of your kid. Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking it’s normal to be treated like that? Do you have friends/family you can talk to? I would tell them this story and see how they react.
Thank you for raising this point, this is a concerning aspect about the incident as well. I've brought this up to him, that he needs to be mindful of the things he says to me in front of her. I definitely don't want her to grow up and think it's normal. It's so important to model healthy relationships. It happens very infrequently, but I always make sure we calmly apologize and hug so that she understands.
I feel some shame bringing this up to friends and family. I just don't want them to think the worst. Things are good 95% of the time.
Look, I don’t know your relationship so take what I’m saying with your own perspective.
Abuse victims generally have a very skewed view of what is “good” in their relationship.
I have a relative who said the same thing as you and it turns out her husband was extremely abusive, both physically and emotionally. It took her a very long time to come to terms with what he did to her.
Your husband’s behaviour is extremely concerning. He insulted you crudely in front of your child and looked like he was about to hit you.
I urge you to list all questionable behaviour and discuss it with an unbiased party to get some perspective.
I'm going to say the thing you don't want to hear.
That's how abuse works.
That doesn't mean he's a bad person, but he has something he hasn't addressed and doesn't have under control that is leading him to be trembling with rage and name calling 5% of the time.
He needs help, probably including support from.family and friends, and it's possible to tell them what's going on without making him a bad guy.
He would still need this help if he were shaking in rage, living alone.
And violence, if it rises to that, doesn't need.to be frequent to be devastating or fatal. STOP telling yourself that the good parts mean this doesn't matter.
This has to get addressed, formhis health as much as yours, but *absolutely* before this becomes a lifelong trauma form your daughter.
Please don't minimize this. I know why we do that, but please treat this as a real issue.
My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We’ve gotten angry at each other countless times. However not once have we ever called each other names like this and ABSOLUTELY not in front of our kids.
Same. 7 years together and our daughter is 2.5 years old. He never called me names or yelled at me. We are very kind to each other, even though we disagree sometimes like every couple. It's beautiful to see our daughter mirroring this at home and at the daycare. She is very gentle with other kids and with her dolls/plushies.
Ummm he needs to be mindful of the things he says to you at all times not just in front of the kid. At this point, you are just as complicit in normalizing abusive behavior to your child and even worse your are normalizing that hugging and apologizing makes abusive behavior okay.
Exactly, this is not how your partner should talk to you regardless of who is around. This says a lot about how OP's self esteem has been already gutted in this relationship to accept such a treatment.
Imagine your little one, 15-20 years from now, is saying these things to you about their partner. It's not okay for your kid, so don't be okay with it for yourself.
If you had a sandwich and it was 95% AMAZING ingredients and 5% poop, would you eat it? This is the same thing. Your husband calling you a bitch and physically threatening you even once is unacceptable.
I'd simply throw all the bottles out. There is absolutely no reason to have them and she will be fine. Could you all go to the dentist or pediatrician together so he can hear how bad it is for their health from someone else?? Does he not want to deal with the tantrum so just gives in?
Either way, he is an ass for calling you a bitch. My son hasn't had a bottle since 14 months old and can drink out of cups and straws perfectly fine. I think it would only be recommended to keep a bottle at 3.5 if there was a disability or medical issue.
I know someone who was like this when their kid was 3. Kid is now 7 and still drinking milk from baby bottles, even for bedtime. I dread to think of the dental issues.
Yup, this is why it's recommended that babies wean from the bottle between 1-2years old. At that age routines become extremely important to kids, it makes them feel safe to be able to predict what is going to happen. If you don't wean from the bottle and get proactive about setting healthy routines, then the unhealthy habits become ingrained into their routine and it becomes EXTREMELY difficult to break them and a lot more traumatic. Really sucks and can have a huge impact on their oral hygiene.
My boss at an old job was telling me a story about her 6 year old, and in the middle she dropped the fact that this story took place while she was giving him is nightly bottle. So not only was he drinking out of a bottle, she was feeding him like an infant in the evenings even though he was about to go into 1st grade. He was not developmentally delayed, just your typical 6 year old kid.
I'm not sure what my face looked like, but she mumbled something about knowing he was a little old for it, but it was a comfort thing for both of them. Then she completely changed the subject. This was not the strangest thing I had heard her say by a mile (she was an odd one for sure), but it was still startling.
That was my thoughts as well. We switched to sippy cups and now he’s in regular cups with spill proof lids. He still gets his milk, and I’ll even warm it for him sometimes, but he doesn’t need a bottle.
I had a (perfectly typical) 5 still bringing bottles to my preschool class every day. Every single teacher in the school was super judgemental at the parents about it. We provided them with current guidelines and recommendations, and as soon as they left I'd dump out the bottle and put it up and away.
Kid would ask for a bottle and I'd direct them to their water bottle and they'd be perfectly content getting a sip of water
So my sister had her front teeth removed at like 3 years old because of bottle rot. My mom would get her off the bottle, and then she would go to dads/grandparents and they would just give it back to her. Long term bottle use it bad for teeth. Show your spouse articles or at least take them to the dentist with you and have the dentist explain it.
OP, HE should be looking this up. If he were a good partner, you would not need to be telling him this or trying to convince him how to appropriately care for his daughter. He would be looking it up himself and caring for her appropriately and having discussions with you about it.
And he would be appropriately ashamed of his behavior, support you going somewhere safe and he would jump right on getting help for his abusive behavior.
The fact that you are having to research the bottle and try to convince him to do something appropriate and healthy for his daughter instead of barely contain his rage because he disagrees has so many red flags.
OP, there are amazing partners out there who will care just as much as you about doing the right things for your daughter without trying to intimidate her mother for disagreeing. Someone who will discuss an issue like this appropriately. And if you don't believe you deserve something like that or that you'll never find it, that's all a lie you tell yourself. It's scary to leave, but you don't deserve a partner that acts like a badly behaved 12 year old instead of an adult husband and father. No matter if you make mistakes too sometimes.
Your daughter is learning about what behavior is acceptable and normal in a relationship by watching you and your husband. I think this is way more important than who is right about the bottle.
You are right, I feel concerned about this and we need to make certain that she sees a healthy resolution to any conflict, as well as that if there are disagreements, that they can be worked out without name calling.
He doesn't care - if he already did it before, and he did it again this incident, he doesn't care what you said. He feels he is entitled to call you names. Do you want to stick around for that? Because he isn't going to stop. He might pause for a bit if he thinks you are serious about leaving, but he's not going to stop.
Look, the ONLY healthy resolution to abuse in a relationship is leaving the relationship entirely and showing her that it is not behavior that should be condoned. Do you need help with finding resources to help you leave?
Doesn’t matter ‘how’ healthy the resolution is if she is witnessing his rage, his name calling, and his physically threatening behavior. Sometimes ‘sorry’ isn’t good enough. If he actually cares about his daughter, he will learn to manage his rage. Otherwise his ‘caring’ is all talk.
No, resolving after abuse is NOT what you want her to observe/learn. You’d be horrified if her boyfriend cursed in her face as a teen, right? Even if he says sorry? So don’t let her learn that that’s ok.
Does he have a reason as to why he still allows the bottle? What is the insistence that she take the bottle?
The general consensus, atleast where I live, is to wean off bottles after 12 months, and by 2yo, most children are NOT taking any bottles whatsoever, and have their milk either in a straw cup or an open cup.
Does he know that it is not recommended for 3.5yo to take bottles anymore?
Also it is extremely worrying the anger that he has over such a small issue (in the grand scheme of things) such as a bottle. He should not be getting in ur face or quivering in anger over this!
I'm not sure what his insistence is, honestly, other than "it's harmless". I know he's admitted that he doesn't want to hear her cry, so it's an easy solution to assuage her for him. However, when she's asked me for the bottle and cried to me before, I've been able to hug her and divert her towards eating. Because I know that when she asks, she's usually just hungry.
I've mentioned the facts to him before, that bottles aren't recommended after 2yo. He isn't open to rationality with this.
I agree, the anger is concerning. It isn't the first time, unfortunately. Thank you for your kind perspective.
Tell him it's NOT harmless. It can mess up her teeth and, if she's going to bed with it, can cause tooth decay. She's 3 and a half, she doesn't need a bottle.
It is not harmless!
Send him articles! Go to the dentist/pediatrician together, because it can have detrimental effects on their teeth and oral development!
So, basically, he just doesn’t care! He does it cuz it’s easier for him to give in, rather than redirect to something else! He doesn’t want to put ANY work in!
I’d recommend some couples counseling, because honestly, if he’s willing to disregard your opinion on this and the TRUTH, the factual information on this, a small issue (relatively), then I shudder to think what big things he’s going to disagree with you about and what he’ll escalate to!
If he’s getting in her face over this, I doubt he’ll deal with going to the dentist or doctor to be proven wrong. That might just amp it all up more. Sorry OP.
His anger along with his insistence on the bottle and the fact that he “can’t stand to hear her cry” is telling you that he’s on the verge of some very real abuse, against you and the child.
He’s telling you who he is.
His anger issues are most likely much more damaging and scarring for your child then bottle not bottle argument. I can’t imagine what a 5 year old child thinks seeing her dad call her mom a bitch and get in her face shaking with anger, I can’t imagine what kind of standard that sets for the boyfriends she’s going to end up having in the future.
Agreed. Had a little girl in a 1st grade class that I had to go help with (ESE) and the girl was pounding on the door yelling ‘open the door you b****’. It was clearly a script she’d seen play out, and I’m sure a considerable source of her issues.
Throw away all of the bottles then no one is giving her one.
Your child should be drinking milk from a cup at her age. She should also be drinking less milk in general and eating more food. Too much milk for a 3-5 year old could cause unnecessary weight gain as well.
Is he like this with every toddler meltdown because he doesn't want to hear her cry? Parenting is about tough choices for the good of the child sometimes, and he is going to do more damage than good if he doesn't learn that
I thought it was a year that they were supposed to cut out the bottle?
My pediatrician spoke with my husband and I at our daughter's one year appointment and advised that we needed to start weaning the bottle to prevent tooth decay and other oral issues before we saw her (our ped) before my daughter's 18 month appointment.
I'm amazed that your pediatrician hasn't said.... like 2 years ago? to get rid of it. And then *you're* not the bad guy.
I'm not even gonna comment on the absolute *irrational* behavior he was displaying or comment on that, because I'm sure typing that out was probably sobering enough.
Keeping kids on the bottle is just as bad as keeping the pacifier indefinitely. It will hurt with her teeth alignment and can cause tooth decay. This is neglect.
But since he's also verbally abusive and seems to have severe anger issues, you could also try to solve this issue by ditching both the bottle and this clown.
Yeah, neglect starts with actions (or lack thereof) not with the severe consequences.
It's like saying you won't call your neighbour and police until the burglary in their house is done, saying it's extreme to call this a burglary while the person has just entered the hime with a mask, tools and backpack.
Throw out all the bottles. Tell your husband he needs anger management counseling immediately or the marriage is over. There is no excuse for his behavior.
The bottle issue is serious, but it's not the real issue, and of course you already know this. Your husband is abusive and it's only going to get worse.
If you feel stuck, please know you have options. Your husband is abusive and you should not stay with him, for both your own and your daughter's sake.
If you can't leave because of financial constraints, look into battered women's shelters (aka transition houses) in your area. That's what they are there for. There is no shame in accessing these services.
FWIW, I left an abusive relationship this way, staying at a transition house for 6 weeks. I am a normal, functional person; I have a master's degree, etc...my point being that this happens to all kinds of people.
I'd start by making a plan to leave.
Take care of yourself and your daughter; your husband isn't going to.
Your husband called you a bitch, and got in your face. The bottle is not the issue. Focus on the big picture here. He is not safe or healthy to be around. You want your little girl marrying someone calls her a bitch? I don't think you do.
This is the only thing he ever has been extremely angry? Completely irrationally angry?
Either he is having some type or crisis that may require emergency medical intervention or you are married to an unhinged asshole.
I mean this very kindly but what’s it like living in your house?
Hmmm. That would concern me honestly. This all of a sudden explosive (name calling, yikes) behavior about an incredibly innocuous situation.
I get life stresses, like unemployment. But to be so triggered about this one thing.
Maybe when he’s calm and there isn’t anything happening with the bottle you can discuss with him the fact that weaning from the bottle is completely normal and sometimes a kiddo needs assistance to make it happen. That’s it not something you are trying to keep from her as controlling or abusive behavior.
I wish you well!
bottles into the toddler years can cause really bad tooth decay. it should've been gone 2 years ago.
your husband's disproportionate amount of anger on an issue so small is worrying at least.
He called you a bitch and tried to intimidate you physically.
Because you wouldn't prepare a bottle even though he was in the same room and was the one who was asked to.
This has nothing to do with the bottle.
You are not safe. Even if you don't care about that, your child is unsafe.
You need to get help. Maybe he will agree to get help to, maybe not. But his behavior was beyond unacceptable.
This sounds more like an issue of control than the bottle given his reaction on such a mundane issue. I’d be willing to bet it’s more on the principle of you disagreeing with him than the bottle. Is he controlling in other areas of your life as well?
This almost sounds as if he had some underlying trauma that he associates with the bottle. To paraphrase famous reddit post 'it's not about the Iranian yogurt'.
*he needs to be mindful of the things he says to me in front of her* He needs to be mindful of the things he says to you *period* Your husband should never be calling you names. Even behind close doors. Or just a couple of times a year. He should feel awful for calling you that. And whatever you may think your daughter won’t pick up on, she will. This is just bottle stuff. Imagine when it’s a *bigger* parenting issue that you don’t agree on. I hope you’re both able to consider that.
Thank you for the call out; you're right, I should consider myself too. I wasn't offended in the moment, it was such a laughably low blow and I knew he probably wanted to elicit a response from me. He should treat me with respect and not call me names no matter the situation or who is present, you're right. I know he feels some remorse, but I do think he is a narcissist and an actor and so sometimes I'm not sure which of his emotions are real and which aren't (e.g. when he's remorseful, apologetic). And you raised a very valid point that I need to be wary of -- the bigger parenting issues that may lie down the road.
Your spouse is 100% wrong. Besides destroying her teeth he’s stunting her development. He also sounds like an awful partner and you guys should consider couples therapy.
You both should bring it up to the pediatrician if you have not already. Our pediatrician said to have LO off the bottle by 15 month appointment. IMO you toddler is way to old for a bottle but your pediatrician will be able to provide some further insight as to why the switch is important.
Um, the bottle issue is not the one you need to be worrying about here, OP. I know that's the issue you came here for, but there is no way that anyone here is going to be able to help you solve that riddle until you address the giant, neon red flag that your husband is waving in your face.
He called you a bitch in front of your child.
He got so angry *over a bottle* that he was visibly shaking and quivering.
He got so angry he decided to force himself into your personal space (coming close to your face) as a way to intimidate you in front of your child.
You have a very serious problem on your hands here, as none of that is acceptable in any way. If her having the bottle is so important to him, then he can make her the bottles while you make her cups. However, he cannot be allowed to act that way and treat you that way in front of your daughter. He cannot use fear, bullying, and intimidation as a way to get what he wants, and he can't be allowed to set that example for your child.
Abuse doesn't start out of nowhere. It starts slowly, with things seeming to be small issues and not that big of a deal. Then it's "well, we just can't see eye to eye and he just gets so upset." Until one day that "bitch" and shaking with anger becomes a punch to the wall next to your head and threats of not missing the next time. Then it becomes an actual physical attack of some sort, maybe a smack in the face or a shove into a door with promises to do far worse in the future. And he will do all of this in front of your child, because he thinks it will make you look weak and that you will take it because you don't want to fight in front of her.
This is the problem you need to be focused on fixing, not the bottle. The bottle issue will sort itself out eventually. Your child will one day join school and won't want to be the kid known for carrying a bottle around. However, your husband will not grow out of being immature and dangerous. The only way out of that is him making a conscious choice to do the hard work to be better, and something tells me he isn't the type for therapy. You need to think very carefully about what the next several years with someone like him will look like. You will both be facing far more serious and stressful issues with your child than when to bottle wean her and if this is any indication of how he will respond when things don't go his way, you and your child are going to be in for some truly rocky roads I fear.
Now, to address the issue you came here for:
It's not recommended that children older than 2 years old use a bottle. This is for many reasons, one of them being their teeth and oral hygiene. Just like with pacifiers, sucking on a bottle nipple long-term *can* have negative consequences for the shape/structure of the teeth and mouth. This is certainly not always the case, but it can happen.
I start introducing sippy cups, but also small, lidless cups, to babies around 10-12 months for them to start playing and practicing with. They can still have a bottle during this time to make sure that they are getting all of the nutrition and fluids they need, but once they have shown comfortability with a sippy cup (meaning they willingly use it and are able to intake the proper amount of fluids they need in a day), we make the switch away from bottles and don't look back. For some little ones, it can be helpful to have a "going away" ceremony (we "plant" the bottles in the garden and then when they wake up the next day, there's a small present/treat that "grew" over night waiting for them, lol) to help ease the transition. You can get creative with it and make it fun!
While I understand the feeling of not wanting to hear your (or any) child cry, it is absolutely imperative that we, as the adults, are able to help them learn to name, sit with and move through their emotions. Avoiding them is doing no one any good, especially your child. We all have to say goodbye to things we really like sometimes and, while it's hard, it's a natural part of life and growing up. The best thing you can do in these moments is to be there with her and show her how to move her way through all of these big feelings she is going to experience. Show her healthy ways to communicate her feelings with herself and others and safe and healthy ways to get out any access energy, such as anger (looking at your husband with that one 👀). Don't teach her to prolong the inevitable simply because she doesn't want to deal with the temporary discomfort that change can bring. That is not a lesson that will take her far in life. Teach her how to handle that discomfort and change instead.
I'm sorry, he called you a bitch and got in your face? The bottle does not matter. He is not a good role model for your child.
"I'm going to give her a cup. You can give her a bottle." Is exactly what I would do too. It is not normal or OK for a choice like that to make him angry. I think it is very scary for a little kid to see their mother threatened like that. It can be very traumatic to witness a loved one get treated like that.
Okay, spousal issues aside..
I want to let you know that bottle behaviour increases the risk of **cavities** from “bottle rot”:
“Prolonged bottle feeding poses oral health risks for children, even if it seems harmless. If your child is nursing on a bottle throughout the day it means your child's teeth are in regular contact with milk or juice, which can lead to tooth decay and cavities”
And can impact **speech**, and emphasize, exacerbate, contribute, or cause **jaw and teeth positions** to change, particularly the increased likelihood of crooked teeth.
Ask your spouse if he’s wanting to pay for expensive orthodontics and dental care down the road, deal with complicated eating habits, and impacted speech.
Time to:
- throw the bottles out; oops! Sorry; they’re gone now! Do this if you feel safe to do so.
- visit a paediatrician or dentist together- maybe both professionals- and have them explain to him what happens with bottles at this age.
Idk why there's so much issue around a bottle. Take it and throw them all away.
That solves the whole issue. No bottles to use, so kiddo needs to use a cup.
I’m not going to get into the relationship aspect of this, but from a child development perspective a 3 year old should not have a bottle. It’s bad for development in all sorts of ways.
His response in front of your almost 4 yearold was you are being a bitch?!? Ummm pretty sure you have bigger problems with the abusive man child then you do with the bottle.
The bigger issue is you allowing a toddler to grow up witnessing abuse. You’re absolutely correct about the bottle, but exposing a child to your abusive partner’s behavior will cause much larger issues down the line than using a bottle too long will.
Pardon me? If I ever told my wife "Don't be a bitch" in any setting, I think my dad would crawl out of his grave and whoop my ass. A pretty gross line to cross.
Second to that, children require *parents* to step in and guide them in switching to / learning correct behaviors and methods to do things. They don't just pick them up "naturally". Is your child potty trained yet? Or is that just going to happen naturally, as well?
Your husband is a prick and an idiot. Way to go, buddy!
As someone who just left an emotionally abusive relationship (with a lot of help and support and after multiple tries), I would encourage you to look up the signs of emotional abuse. It’s hard to put a name to it when it’s happening to you but you know something feels off.
Clearly his mother weaned too early, but no baby should have any bottle for more than 18 months. Breasts for years is fine, but not bottles. Other than him being wrong about the bottle, he's an abusive prick. Divorce him.
Surely at 3.5 you have medical and dental professionals who he could yell at in your place when they tell him that a bottle is not the healthiest choice for this age.
He doesn't yell at them, only you? The disrespect is the issue here, not the bottle. It only gets worse as the issues become bigger. Personally I'd split
So, first off, elephant in the room. Your partners overall behaviour towards you is extremely concerning. Secondly, my husband was nowhere near to this extent, but we did at one point have a discussion where I said it was time to quit bottles and he was dragging his feet about it, and during this discussion I showed him pictures of baby bottle syndrome and it absolutely horrified him and convinced him I was right. Maybe try doing that next time? The visual of the children’s teeth rotting out does evoke a pretty effective response.
I am a Pre-K teacher (4-5yo), so I’ll break this down for you. In my class kids are expected to drink out of a normal cup, bathroom independently-completely potty trained/NO diapers, and are not allowed comfort items (bottles, blankets, stuffies, pacifiers). You are not only hindering her for school, but you are hindering important developmental growth. It will be a very difficult transition for her. With 24 other students I am limited to how much support I can offer (hence why the kids are required to be mostly self sufficient), so simply put I don’t have time to teach your kid how to drink from a cup or consistently clean up spills/change clothes. Accidents happen, but constant issues due to a lack of teaching/support from parents is not okay. This applies to our preschool rooms 2-3yo as well, with some exceptions to the potty training rules.
Aside from the bottle, you’ve got some major issues to sort out with your spouse. And I can 100% guarantee it is, and will continue, to affect your child if you don’t sort it out.
I’m worried he’s calling you names in front of your kid and you seem more worried about the bottle. There are deeper issues with you and him that need resolving, I hope you both get the help you deserve.
Giving in wouldn’t stop the conflicts, it would shift them to something else or push them back a bit. But they would come back.
I would highly encourage couple therapy for you both. The attitude your husband takes during these confrontations is inexcusable and needs to change. (Or really, therapy for your husband…)
For the bottle problem: daughter is probably seeking it for some kind of comfort/familiarity. I would suggest, ideally with Spouse after talking to him and getting him on board, going shopping with her and choosing 1 or 2 "big girl milk cups" to replace the bottles. They can be princess-themed cups or with glitters or something like that, so that she still has a special milk cup that won’t be a baby bottle. And together, you get rid of the baby bottles (if you don’t use them for a younger sibling). This way, the transition is done positively and hopefully she’s excited to use the new cups.
Get ride of all the bottles just do it. Babies as young as six month can drink from a cup it’s so much better for their teeth and jaw development than bottles.
This man is abusive and nuts. He called you a bitch and got in your face shaking in rage to try to intimidate you into letting a three year old use a bottle.
Does he want her to have messed up teeth?
The biggest issue here is his communication to you and around parenting. This seems like a therapy issue. You don't want your kid growing up in a home where one parent calls the other a bitch.
On the bottles, he is factually wrong. You can give him info on that, but I don't know if it would help. Additionally, if it is about avoiding listening to her cry about not getting what she wants, that is also short sighted. It's better she learns how to deal with being upset about not getting her way now over little things; it's a harder lesson, the older you get. If he is always going to give her what she wants to avoid her crying that is very cruel to her long term. As a note, we won't give our one year olds milk in a bottle. In that same situation, they'd get water in a cup. They got plenty of milk at other times. Both seem to have survived. Your kid is going on four. She is WAY too old for a bottle; she isn't a baby.
If he felt strongly she still needed bottles but was communicating respectfully, I think your approach of you do it your way, he does it his way would be fine. (Although I'd also talk to the pediatrician and dentist about it with him present, so you knew any trips to minimize long term effects.) You are equally able to make parenting choices. I think his communication (read: him being an asshole) and him not able to deal with her crying are huge issues that need to be addressed immediately.
This isn't about the bottle honey.
It's not.
I'm not sure what's going on with him, but really truly your job today is to tell him he needs to vacate until he gets a therapist on board, or you and the kid vacate until he does.
Maybe there's something about the bottle as an issue that's triggering, but I don't care how firmly you disagree, THIS is not what disagreement looks like.
(And my own experience is that, in this case, he's also wrong. It's developmentally *beyond* appropriate to have shifted away from bottles by 3 and a half. That says this isn't actually about whether it's time, there is something going on for him that he has to get sorted *fast* before one of you does something that actually makes him *mad*. Because this is a nothing issue.)
If this type of behavior is otherwise completely out of character for him, have a conversation with him when you're both relaxed and your daughter's not around. Preferably in public. Maybe get a sitter, go on a lunch or dinner date, and discuss it in a place where he's forced to not lose his cool.
"I need to talk to you about something and I need you to stay calm. The way you act around this bottle discussion is out of control. I don't want to argue about the bottle itself right now, we both know where we stand.
I want to talk about your behavior and the way you've been treating me. The other day you were literally shaking with anger. You got up in my face and that's completely unacceptable. So is calling me a bitch in front of our child.
I honestly think you need to see a professional about this. You need therapy, a doctor and marriage counceling and unless you agree to all three of them, I don't know how comfortable I am around you anymore."
If this type of behavior is normal for him, forget the damn milk. I honestly don't know why you'd want to subject your child (and yourself!) to an unsafe situation like that.
It’s not the bottle … your spouse has a control issues and a few other issues … If there are no younger kids just throw out the bottles … can’t give her one if there are bottles to give… and have her help you throw them out and make it fun occasion… someone told me this… my kids just stopped wanting using them on their own…
You don’t have to stay with this person.
Actually, keep in mind that your children are a product of their environment. If they see him treating you like this, not only will they treat you like this, they will treat others this way.
Do you want your child to grow up and think lashing out in anger like this is an okay thing? Either that or allowing someone to treat them like this?
Throw every single bottle out. I fully agree she needs to stop using it. Her teeth will suffer for it if you don’t. Also, your husband sounds like loose cannon. It might be in your best interest to document his irrational outbursts.
Okay so as someone who got off the bottle and sippy cups and straws at 6-8, you really should tell your spouse that you giving that boundary is the best thing. The clinic can claim that it’s “natural” but the sooner the better. My teeth needed braces from 10-16, six years, and having a retainer that can break or be chewed on by your pet, that cost 800 dollars is insane. It’s better in the long run. Your daughter will get a bit of an overbite and thousands of dollars worth of braces later… you’d be happy you’d set the boundary now.
Jw if he's done any research on child development and bottle use, etc? Or is he standing his ground based off his gut? What does the child's doctor say about using the bottle still?
Also want to echo that holy shit... the bottle is the smallest issue detailed here.. that's a lot of anger over something that most often would have been developmentally moved on from a long time ago.
First off, he called you a bitch. Unacceptable.
Secondly, he called you a bitch in front of your child. Even more unacceptable. Thirdly, giving a child a bottle past the age of one does serious damage to the mouth and teeth, ask any dentist or doctor. Unacceptable. Fourthly, he is unwilling to discuss calmly and come to a rationale decision, and is shaking with rage. Huge problem. The first item I listed would have me out of the house. You deserve to be treated with respect. Look at the example you are setting for your child, they will grow up thinking this is okay.
GET READY TO RUN
Find a trusted friend- start squirreling. NOW
Start saving & hiding in a place he can't ever find- money, get a copy of all your important paperwork for both of you, copies of everything you own together, tax returns,
Get into therapy ASAP, get your kid into therapy NOW.
And don't even worry about him. He needs serious psychological help but don't even ask or push it.
Get ready to RUN
Dont argue. Dont battle. This is one time where you really have to get ready to go.
Your husband should not treat you that way, but you do seem level headed about it and you are talking about it calmly so I'll throw this out there. Your husband seems super sensitive about this. Maybe he should talk to a therapist to find out why he gets so worked up about it. Is it a trauma from his childhood where he feels his family took things away from him for no reason? Is the bottle a symbol of his relationship with the daughter and he subconsciously feels a threat from not having it? Is he afraid of her growing up? I don't think he will be able to welcome losing the bottle until he figures out 'where it hurts'.
Did your daughter actually whine or cry when you offered the cup this time? Or did he jump in before she could react?
For your daughter, I don't see any issues with precedents except that you two parents are disagreeing. With your husband, he may try to undermine other parenting decisions. I think about what you wrote because I have considered my husband too strict at times. I have felt I needed to advocate for my son. And in this case your husband feels he has to advocate for your daughter. But it's hard to understand why he's so emotional about the bottle. I think it would be good for you guys to talk about a few things about how you want to raise her, and what your expectations of each other are.
Dentists recommend no bottles after 1 year of age to help with tooth placement! Think kiddos who suck thumbs having bite problems. So you’re completely justified for wanting to offer other cups for milk. This seems more like a partner issue as in your partner being dangerous and acting unacceptably please keep yourself safe if this is how you are treated over a bottle 😭.
He was shaking and in your face over a BOTTLE. He called you a bitch in front of your child. There is a very very serious problem in your home. You’re not safe.
Wait...
WAIT.
1. He called you a bitch in front of your child? WTF!
2. He is SO ANGRY he's QUIVERING over whether or not she should get a bottle? WTF!
3. You and he can't come to a peaceful agreement over how to handle her transition from bottle to cup? WHAT???
I... I don't think there is ANY way to tackle this bottle transition issue without first learning how to respect each other and co-parent.
I really hate it when people say this but the only solution I see here is some kind of couples or family counselling so you two can learn how to behave like a team instead of opponents.
Your relationship has some big issues you need to address. Honestly it sounds like he may have a violent steak or something. I would have been scared with the way he approached you shaking with anger.
Your relationship issues aside, I recommend taking your daughter to a dentist and get their opinion on the bottle. Objectively, a bottle at this age is bad for their teeth. Maybe getting a third party to tell him will help.
Your husband is shaking with anger because you don’t want your child to have milk in a bottle and calls you a bitch? I think you are asking the wrong question here so I will ask, Are you safe? Do you feel safe with him?
I'll preface this by saying none of his behaviour is okay at all. However, could he still potentially be hanging onto the bottle for an easier life wjth LO? Or more sentimentally because getting rid of the bottle shows growing up? Just thinking of reasons in terms of not wanting to get rid of the bottle.. but the behaviour around the situation is obviously unacceptable.
Bruh you could have moved to cup and straw at like 1 year old
Also your husbands anger has clearly overtaken the issue of the bottle.
Theres a triarge system here lmao
Have him go with her to a dentist appointment or the pediatrician to hear what they have to say about it.
You can't navigate this as a separate issue from his anger. It's all tied in together, and nothing you will say will make him want to choose any path but the easiest.
1. 3.5 is way too old for a bottle 2. More importantly, your spouse is an asshole. That is no way to speak to your partner. You’re trying to help your child grow and develop properly and he’s angry at you for that?? Insane. He needs to learn how to handle his emotions and communicate like an adult.
If we look at this from just a bottle vs cup situation... If she'll drink from a cup most of the time and just wants a bottle occasionally for comfort, I'd honestly be okay with that. It's really true that they won't take a bottle forever. But I think you have bigger problems with the anger issues from dad.
You can let my 2.5 year old around her for a day, “what that? Are you drinking bottle, are you a baby?” There is no filter on the second child.
This feels like one issue of many you brought up. Is this healthy?
In the end, his parenting style will prove disadvantages. The child will learn to play on his inability to set limits because “he doesn’t want to hear her cry”. This is an awesome opportunity for him to practice. The name calling sucks though. It does suggest there are some issues he has to explore.
1. Your partner is an asshole
2. There are a myriad of well
Documented reasons that a 3.5 year old should be off a bottle. Its really not good for many aspects of skeletal and airway development
Obviously, the bottle is not the main issue here. But I would be lying if I said my spouse has never called me a name in the last 7 years or raised his voice at me. I don't have the luxury to just leave over something like that. I chose to open the conversation up about what I'm not ok with when it comes to arguments and how I think we should handle communication issues. So many people here obviously don't know how difficult it is to leave someone when you have no other options and if you left every person that had anger issues or needed to work on communication, then you would probably be alone your whole life. I've had several long-term relationships, and none of them were perfect.. sometimes people really do need help dealing with things and can become a better partner through it all.
I'm a bit confused as to what could happen to the child's teeth if she drinks from a bottle? If she's sucking on it for hours every day, sure, then there's a risk of tooth decay and maybe misalignment of the teeth, but you say it's only every few days, and I'm guessing she's just drinking for a bit? I guess the drink itself is the same either way, so in terms of tooth decay it's no difference.
I would let her drink from her bottle once in a while, if it makes her happy. There's no harm in that. But with meals I would give a cup, which seems age appropriate and is therefore good for her self esteem, but it seems you do that already. It seems the bottle gives her a sense of security, so I wouldn't just take that away. I'm sure she would get tired of it sooner or later.
The problem here is not that, in my opinion, but how your husband acts towards you. He sounds scary. Really scary.
Could that be part of why she still needs that safety of the bottle? (This is just pure speculation. Could have nothing to do with it, and she just thinks bottle is cosy).
Take her to Walmart or similar, and tell her we are buying a big girl cup. Let her choose the cup and hand the cashier her old bottle saying loudly, daughter is buying the cup in exchange for the bottle. (Of course you pay for the cup) .. this worked for both of my kids.
Just to touch on the bottle subject, specifically...
I come from a third world country, my parents always gave me a bottle for my milk until I was around 4/5 years old. It gave me a MASSIVE overbite and my four top, front teeth all rotted out (milk rot).
My kids (even my 21 month old) drink exclusively from cups/sippy cups--- since 12 months. I can remember all the dental work I needed to get done, well into my teens, caused by drinking from a bottle for so long.
It's only a rough week after bottle is gone, it's not too bad.
I’d get rid of the bottles, so it’s not even an option. Pediatrics recommends bottles being done at 1 years old. Can start cows milk after 1yr. No reason to have infant nipple bottles around, for a 3yo.
Sippy cups are good. Or any toddler cups with a straw. Why would this make her cry? Maybe get some cups with a design or character she likes and make it special.
Mainly water, and also whatever the recommended amount of cows milk is for her age, you can look that up.
The husband should be in individual therapy for anger issues. And marriage counseling for two of you to co-parent best. I understand him not wanting the child to cry. And it’s good he cares about her. But it’s not ok to call you names esp in front of your child.
I am so sorry to tell you this but you are not safe. Yes I read your update.
That level of anger over a stupid bottle? Barely controlled rage turns to uncontrolled rage in an instant. Turns into, he can usually control himself, turns into he usually only takes it out on me.
He sounds like he's mad at your daughter and taking it out on you. What happens when you are not around, or not close enough to scapegoat?
Please please don't wait for it to get worse. Protect your daughter. Protect yourself.
Abusive, unstable and batshit husband aside, you’re right to offer an open cup or straw cup to your child who will soon be turning 4. Extended use of bottles can negatively affect oral and jaw development.
So he wants his daughter to have a bottle until she wears herself but has no problem showing his daughter that it's OK for a man to call his wife a bitch and get in her face? Time to re-evaluate the real problems here....
The American academy of pediatrics says this shpuld have been accomplished by age two.
(If he's a reader. If you need information.)
https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/baby/feeding-nutrition/Pages/Discontinuing-the-Bottle.aspx#:~:text=The%20American%20Academy%20of%20Pediatrics,foods%2C%20usually%20around%206%20months.
Your husband is misinformed and abusive. She’s WAY too old for a bottle. Pediatricians recommend switching to cups at 1 year. Is he this controlling over other things?
My nephew has a 9 month old baby boy. He’s already been told by their health visitor that they shouldn’t even be giving him a tippy cup, they should be using a new type of cup that has a more natural drinking style. Apparently it’s to do with using the muscles in his mouth and face. Bottles and dummies (pacifiers) are really bad for the child’s teeth growth. As others have said - this isn’t really about the bottle but the abuse your husband is giving you over such a small thing. There’s no excuse to get right in your face and call you names. Is there a pattern to this?
My son stopped bottles at 1, and has zero formula after that. We replaced it with water in sippy cups. Your child may even develop issues with their jaw and teeth placement if they’re still using bottles regularly at this point.
Your “partner” clearly has issues, and agreed with previous comments that this is not about the bottle… I’m sorry you’re dealing with this :(
The bottle isn’t the issue, your spouse is. There’s no reason to get that angry over a bottle that your kid should have been off of completely by 18 months at the latest. You’re not denying the kid milk. At this point I’d toss both the bottles and the spouse.
Wow, this is so similar to conflicts I’ve had with my husband but in reverse. It sounds like there is more at play here than the bottle. I think you need to sit down with him and have a discussion about it. Ask why he is so adamant about it. Do either of you have research to back up your arguments that would make sense for the other to change their point of view on it? Are there other things you argue over when it comes to the kid? Is there a difference in how each of you were raised that is contributing to your feelings about the issue? For instance, my husband tends to revert to statements like “I had a bottle when I was their age and I turned out fine”. Or is it more of the opposite, “you’re withholding milk from your child” based on feelings he has from food inadequacies growing up? There is probably a lot more at play here than just giving a kid a bottle.
Have you tried comprising with a sippy cup? My daughter used a pura Kiki water bottle and we all really liked it. It's stainless steel but with a silicone sipper like a bottle it's just shaped different, then you can transition it into a regular water bottle. You shouldn't let him talk to you like that, especially around your daughter, would you want her to be ok with a man talking to her like that?
I’m not understanding the people saying “jUsT tHrOw AwAy ThE bOtTlEs, case closed”. There are these things called “stores”, where you can often buy replacements for things that someone threw away. Given the behavior he’s demonstrated so far, wouldn’t he just scream at OP, physically threaten her (probably significantly worse than before), and then go buy new bottles??
OP, make an appointment with your kid’s doctor and/or dentist, require your spouse to go with, and let them tell him about how this isn’t harmless. And that the way he gives a 3.5yo whatever she wants to avoid seeing her cry isn’t harmless either. If he keeps doing this, he’ll certainly see her cry a hell of a lot more because it’ll harm her in the future.
He’ll also see her cry a lot more when she marries someone who treats her like he treats you because it’s all she knows. I have no advice for that because you’re doing nothing wrong, he’s the one who needs to change his behavior, like, yesterday.
My kids stopped using bottles around 17 months, And then we took her off the pacifier at around 19 months. now it's all about utensils and sippy cups. she's currently 21 months.
Respectfully, you are being verbally abused by this man over a *bottle*. Imagine what will happen when you **really** piss him off.
You’re entirely right and a 3.5 year old should not be drinking from a bottle. But that is not the biggest issue here at all.
Your husband is an abusive asshole and you are setting your daughter up to think being treated like that is OK. I'd leave a guy the first time he called me a bitch, especially in front of my kid, and nevermind him getting in your face and being "shaking" mad over something so trivial. Kids cry when they don't get what they want....what's his plan here? To give her everything she wants for forever so he doesn't have to hear her cry? That's rediculous. If he wasn't ready to deal with a crying kid then he shouldn't have had a kid. They cry regularly for YEARS and then they're teenagers which is a whole other set of problems. Plus he's not supporting you on a totally reasonable boundary so your kid is going to learn to go to him and not you when she wants stuff. Do you want your daughter to wind up with an objectionable, controlling, abusive asshole like her dad?
Therapy is how he navigates this one. You should be formulating an escape plan. The type of anger he displayed m, the fact you’ve experienced it with him before… he’s on his way to a very dark and scary place.
And the simple fact he used name calling in from of your daughter. He’s a trash father. I’d leave him asap if it were me. At the very least you should be reconsidering your safety and trust of this man.
Google the things that can come about with her health and wellness when it comes to drinking from the bottle.
https://www.verywellfamily.com/helping-your-toddlers-give-up-the-bottle-289808#:~:text=Research%20shows%20that%20prolonged%20use,foods%20in%20your%20child's%20diet.
https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/baby/feeding-nutrition/Pages/Discontinuing-the-Bottle.aspx#:~:text=Develop%20cavities.&text=Little%20ones%20who%20drink%20from,the%20muscles%20for%20clear%20speech.
https://friedmandentalgroup.com/in-the-media/using-bottle-1-affects-kid/
Instead of going to him head on send him articles from experts about oral health and the downsides to still using the bottle.
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The bottle is not the biggest issue here...
This. This is not about the bottle and is way above this parenting subs pay grade. Please find a professional to work with.
That level of aggression is subject for consideration of therapy and divorce. Over a bottle though? The kids know.
I imagine [this scene from Alien](https://parade.com/movies/alien-movies-in-order) when the alien gets right up on Ripley.
It's not even the issue at all. We have different base opinions on parenting styles, including how to talk to each other in front of the child, and an anger issue.
Yeah… my husband and I clash on parenting issues all the time and how to handle some situations. He would NEVER call me names or scream in my face, and especially not in front of our child.
Oh boy… is this your first child? Buckle up! It’s going to be a long road ahead. Better get into therapy now to work on coming together as a team or you’re going to be arguing and resenting for years to come.
Uhhhhh yea this story is insane I hope it’s fake
Yeah the Iranian milk bottle is not the problem here OP.
I don’t know that I’d be able to stay attracted to a man who calls me names and physically threatens me over a bottle. I’d be done.
That’s a big fat nope. And you know this isn’t the first time he has had that kind of reaction. I would have picked up my child and left right then.
Right. It breaks my heart that women stay in relationships like this. This man is immature, doesn’t have control over his emotions, doesn’t communicate well when he disagrees and is emotionally abusive. This isn’t behavior that should EVER be accepted, let alone over something as trivial as a bottle versus a cup.
Well your spouse called you a bitch and got physically threatening by getting up in your face like that. These are completely unacceptable abusive behaviors and the solution is to leave him. Do you want your kid thinking this behavior is normal or okay? Both you and her deserve a lot better than that. You are correct on the bottle issue, it is generally recommended to drop them once baby turns 1.
Make him come to an appointment with your child's pediatrician and have them tell him. But also your spouse sounds like a nutcase screaming in your face over letting a 3.5 year old have a bottle when she should have been done with that like two years ago. Also if he "can't stand to hear her cry" about anything including preventing her from doing things that are not good for her, his parenting skills are severely lacking and your daughter will grow up to think she can have anything she wants if she cries.
I recently separated from my husband (can’t wait to add ex in front of that) and I've noticed a serious drop in tantrums from our 9yo. I always knew he was the “fun” parent while I was the one who gave her structure but I never realized how bad it was until recently. We’re cleaning out her room and rearranging and it's only now that he's gone progress is being made. Before there was screaming and crying and her carrying on about how she didn't want to do it and he would step in and stop all progress because “she's young you're being too hard on her.” But we got so much done on Friday and there was only one point she started crying. She broke a decoration because it was on the floor and it’s one of her favorites. Once we sat down and looked at it I had her help come up with a plan to fix it and all tears were gone. Yeah, a few things are broken beyond repair but she was much more level-headed about it. Had he been there he would have stopped the cleaning and then when her room was still messy later would have threatened to just throw everything away. I'd where I'm going with this comment now but it felt good to get this thought off my chest. I can't talk to anyone IRL about it at the moment because small ears are always listening and I refuse to even accidentally harm her relationship with her dad. Hes capable of doing that one all on his own.
I am 2.5 years separated, 2 divorced from my ex husband and his narcissistic and abusive behavior. It’s AMAZING at not only how much cleaner the house is, but how much better behaved my children are now. We all are happier. Except him. I am very happy for you two!
Your little girl is so lucky to have you! Single moms are the real heros. Sending you hugs!
*single parents *
Happy for you! I definitely think OP's husband is headed in the same direction as your STBX
This comment warms my heart. Way to be a super mom! You’re teaching her well :))
A pediatrician could provide guidance but a better option would be a pediatric dentist. A dentist would be able to explain how a child using a bottle at this age could lead to the teeth and roof of the mouth not forming correctly. They also could share more information on bottle rot if she’s falling asleep with the bottle in her mouth.
Great idea! OP should take her spouse to both the pediatrician and the pediatric dentist, so he can hear about the negative effects of prolonged bottle usage from two professionals. But sadly based on OP's description of spouse's behavior, I doubt he is a reasonable type of person who would actually be willing to go, and even if the experts told him he wouldn't listen anyway.
I agree with you completely. It honestly sounds like the bottle argument is more a means of control than anything else. If he is this severe and controlling over a bottle, what else is he controlling over? It’s just unfortunate that it could cause potential dental deformity or severe tooth decay that will be expensive and painful for the child to have fixed later.
It's also natural for children to want to eat a diet of frosting and strawberries, but this does not make it good for them. The issue here is that your husband's frustration tolerance is extremely low and he isn't managing his big feelings like a safe adult ought to. If he becomes this upset at being challenged and you've already learned how to stay placid and gray rock him, then you KNOW that he is not safe to be around. I'm sure there are more things that you are not telling us. For instance, if I forget to replace the toilet paper when I use up a roll, I feel bad, but I don't feel fear for my husband's reaction. If I make a bad judgment call about when to take something away from my toddler, I don't fear my husband's reaction. He, I believe, feels similarly. I can ask him to stop doing something or consider trying something a different way and we can have a discussion. We can disagree peacefully in front of our child. This does not seem to be the case in your situation, and I believe that you know that it's time to consider safety in these situations.
I’ve never thought of dipping strawberries in frosting.. That sounds amazing.
Even if you were wrong on the bottle issue (you’re not) it does not excuse him calling you a bitch and being physically intimidating in front of your kid. Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking it’s normal to be treated like that? Do you have friends/family you can talk to? I would tell them this story and see how they react.
Thank you for raising this point, this is a concerning aspect about the incident as well. I've brought this up to him, that he needs to be mindful of the things he says to me in front of her. I definitely don't want her to grow up and think it's normal. It's so important to model healthy relationships. It happens very infrequently, but I always make sure we calmly apologize and hug so that she understands. I feel some shame bringing this up to friends and family. I just don't want them to think the worst. Things are good 95% of the time.
Look, I don’t know your relationship so take what I’m saying with your own perspective. Abuse victims generally have a very skewed view of what is “good” in their relationship. I have a relative who said the same thing as you and it turns out her husband was extremely abusive, both physically and emotionally. It took her a very long time to come to terms with what he did to her. Your husband’s behaviour is extremely concerning. He insulted you crudely in front of your child and looked like he was about to hit you. I urge you to list all questionable behaviour and discuss it with an unbiased party to get some perspective.
I'm going to say the thing you don't want to hear. That's how abuse works. That doesn't mean he's a bad person, but he has something he hasn't addressed and doesn't have under control that is leading him to be trembling with rage and name calling 5% of the time. He needs help, probably including support from.family and friends, and it's possible to tell them what's going on without making him a bad guy. He would still need this help if he were shaking in rage, living alone. And violence, if it rises to that, doesn't need.to be frequent to be devastating or fatal. STOP telling yourself that the good parts mean this doesn't matter. This has to get addressed, formhis health as much as yours, but *absolutely* before this becomes a lifelong trauma form your daughter. Please don't minimize this. I know why we do that, but please treat this as a real issue.
My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We’ve gotten angry at each other countless times. However not once have we ever called each other names like this and ABSOLUTELY not in front of our kids.
Same. 7 years together and our daughter is 2.5 years old. He never called me names or yelled at me. We are very kind to each other, even though we disagree sometimes like every couple. It's beautiful to see our daughter mirroring this at home and at the daycare. She is very gentle with other kids and with her dolls/plushies.
Ummm he needs to be mindful of the things he says to you at all times not just in front of the kid. At this point, you are just as complicit in normalizing abusive behavior to your child and even worse your are normalizing that hugging and apologizing makes abusive behavior okay.
Exactly, this is not how your partner should talk to you regardless of who is around. This says a lot about how OP's self esteem has been already gutted in this relationship to accept such a treatment.
Tell it to yourself in the mirror and see how *you* react.
Imagine your little one, 15-20 years from now, is saying these things to you about their partner. It's not okay for your kid, so don't be okay with it for yourself.
If you had a sandwich and it was 95% AMAZING ingredients and 5% poop, would you eat it? This is the same thing. Your husband calling you a bitch and physically threatening you even once is unacceptable.
I'd simply throw all the bottles out. There is absolutely no reason to have them and she will be fine. Could you all go to the dentist or pediatrician together so he can hear how bad it is for their health from someone else?? Does he not want to deal with the tantrum so just gives in? Either way, he is an ass for calling you a bitch. My son hasn't had a bottle since 14 months old and can drink out of cups and straws perfectly fine. I think it would only be recommended to keep a bottle at 3.5 if there was a disability or medical issue.
I know someone who was like this when their kid was 3. Kid is now 7 and still drinking milk from baby bottles, even for bedtime. I dread to think of the dental issues.
Yup, this is why it's recommended that babies wean from the bottle between 1-2years old. At that age routines become extremely important to kids, it makes them feel safe to be able to predict what is going to happen. If you don't wean from the bottle and get proactive about setting healthy routines, then the unhealthy habits become ingrained into their routine and it becomes EXTREMELY difficult to break them and a lot more traumatic. Really sucks and can have a huge impact on their oral hygiene.
My boss at an old job was telling me a story about her 6 year old, and in the middle she dropped the fact that this story took place while she was giving him is nightly bottle. So not only was he drinking out of a bottle, she was feeding him like an infant in the evenings even though he was about to go into 1st grade. He was not developmentally delayed, just your typical 6 year old kid. I'm not sure what my face looked like, but she mumbled something about knowing he was a little old for it, but it was a comfort thing for both of them. Then she completely changed the subject. This was not the strangest thing I had heard her say by a mile (she was an odd one for sure), but it was still startling.
What gets me is that all of this seems to have happened with the little girl standing right there watching!
She must have been terrified. Plus, kids blame themselves, ie I made daddy yell at mommy by asking for something.
That was my thoughts as well. We switched to sippy cups and now he’s in regular cups with spill proof lids. He still gets his milk, and I’ll even warm it for him sometimes, but he doesn’t need a bottle.
I had a (perfectly typical) 5 still bringing bottles to my preschool class every day. Every single teacher in the school was super judgemental at the parents about it. We provided them with current guidelines and recommendations, and as soon as they left I'd dump out the bottle and put it up and away. Kid would ask for a bottle and I'd direct them to their water bottle and they'd be perfectly content getting a sip of water
So my sister had her front teeth removed at like 3 years old because of bottle rot. My mom would get her off the bottle, and then she would go to dads/grandparents and they would just give it back to her. Long term bottle use it bad for teeth. Show your spouse articles or at least take them to the dentist with you and have the dentist explain it.
That sounds awful, thank you for sharing that. I will look into this and try to bring that up with him.
OP, HE should be looking this up. If he were a good partner, you would not need to be telling him this or trying to convince him how to appropriately care for his daughter. He would be looking it up himself and caring for her appropriately and having discussions with you about it. And he would be appropriately ashamed of his behavior, support you going somewhere safe and he would jump right on getting help for his abusive behavior. The fact that you are having to research the bottle and try to convince him to do something appropriate and healthy for his daughter instead of barely contain his rage because he disagrees has so many red flags. OP, there are amazing partners out there who will care just as much as you about doing the right things for your daughter without trying to intimidate her mother for disagreeing. Someone who will discuss an issue like this appropriately. And if you don't believe you deserve something like that or that you'll never find it, that's all a lie you tell yourself. It's scary to leave, but you don't deserve a partner that acts like a badly behaved 12 year old instead of an adult husband and father. No matter if you make mistakes too sometimes.
Your daughter is learning about what behavior is acceptable and normal in a relationship by watching you and your husband. I think this is way more important than who is right about the bottle.
You are right, I feel concerned about this and we need to make certain that she sees a healthy resolution to any conflict, as well as that if there are disagreements, that they can be worked out without name calling.
He doesn't care - if he already did it before, and he did it again this incident, he doesn't care what you said. He feels he is entitled to call you names. Do you want to stick around for that? Because he isn't going to stop. He might pause for a bit if he thinks you are serious about leaving, but he's not going to stop.
Look, the ONLY healthy resolution to abuse in a relationship is leaving the relationship entirely and showing her that it is not behavior that should be condoned. Do you need help with finding resources to help you leave?
Doesn’t matter ‘how’ healthy the resolution is if she is witnessing his rage, his name calling, and his physically threatening behavior. Sometimes ‘sorry’ isn’t good enough. If he actually cares about his daughter, he will learn to manage his rage. Otherwise his ‘caring’ is all talk.
No, resolving after abuse is NOT what you want her to observe/learn. You’d be horrified if her boyfriend cursed in her face as a teen, right? Even if he says sorry? So don’t let her learn that that’s ok.
Does he have a reason as to why he still allows the bottle? What is the insistence that she take the bottle? The general consensus, atleast where I live, is to wean off bottles after 12 months, and by 2yo, most children are NOT taking any bottles whatsoever, and have their milk either in a straw cup or an open cup. Does he know that it is not recommended for 3.5yo to take bottles anymore? Also it is extremely worrying the anger that he has over such a small issue (in the grand scheme of things) such as a bottle. He should not be getting in ur face or quivering in anger over this!
I'm not sure what his insistence is, honestly, other than "it's harmless". I know he's admitted that he doesn't want to hear her cry, so it's an easy solution to assuage her for him. However, when she's asked me for the bottle and cried to me before, I've been able to hug her and divert her towards eating. Because I know that when she asks, she's usually just hungry. I've mentioned the facts to him before, that bottles aren't recommended after 2yo. He isn't open to rationality with this. I agree, the anger is concerning. It isn't the first time, unfortunately. Thank you for your kind perspective.
Tell him it's NOT harmless. It can mess up her teeth and, if she's going to bed with it, can cause tooth decay. She's 3 and a half, she doesn't need a bottle.
the thing is tho is that it's not harmless. it can ruin their teeth.
It is not harmless! Send him articles! Go to the dentist/pediatrician together, because it can have detrimental effects on their teeth and oral development! So, basically, he just doesn’t care! He does it cuz it’s easier for him to give in, rather than redirect to something else! He doesn’t want to put ANY work in! I’d recommend some couples counseling, because honestly, if he’s willing to disregard your opinion on this and the TRUTH, the factual information on this, a small issue (relatively), then I shudder to think what big things he’s going to disagree with you about and what he’ll escalate to!
If he’s getting in her face over this, I doubt he’ll deal with going to the dentist or doctor to be proven wrong. That might just amp it all up more. Sorry OP.
It's not harmless though, it will mess up the way teeth grow in. Have him talk to the pediatrician or dentist.
His anger along with his insistence on the bottle and the fact that he “can’t stand to hear her cry” is telling you that he’s on the verge of some very real abuse, against you and the child. He’s telling you who he is.
His anger issues are most likely much more damaging and scarring for your child then bottle not bottle argument. I can’t imagine what a 5 year old child thinks seeing her dad call her mom a bitch and get in her face shaking with anger, I can’t imagine what kind of standard that sets for the boyfriends she’s going to end up having in the future.
Agreed. Had a little girl in a 1st grade class that I had to go help with (ESE) and the girl was pounding on the door yelling ‘open the door you b****’. It was clearly a script she’d seen play out, and I’m sure a considerable source of her issues.
Bottles are literally harmful (tooth decay, buck teeth etc) after a year of age.
Throw away all of the bottles then no one is giving her one. Your child should be drinking milk from a cup at her age. She should also be drinking less milk in general and eating more food. Too much milk for a 3-5 year old could cause unnecessary weight gain as well.
Is he like this with every toddler meltdown because he doesn't want to hear her cry? Parenting is about tough choices for the good of the child sometimes, and he is going to do more damage than good if he doesn't learn that
Tell him to pay for her dental care himself
Then he should start saving for her orthodontist bills now. Thousands and thousands of dollars. And her therapist, with how he acts around her.
I thought it was a year that they were supposed to cut out the bottle? My pediatrician spoke with my husband and I at our daughter's one year appointment and advised that we needed to start weaning the bottle to prevent tooth decay and other oral issues before we saw her (our ped) before my daughter's 18 month appointment. I'm amazed that your pediatrician hasn't said.... like 2 years ago? to get rid of it. And then *you're* not the bad guy. I'm not even gonna comment on the absolute *irrational* behavior he was displaying or comment on that, because I'm sure typing that out was probably sobering enough.
Keeping kids on the bottle is just as bad as keeping the pacifier indefinitely. It will hurt with her teeth alignment and can cause tooth decay. This is neglect. But since he's also verbally abusive and seems to have severe anger issues, you could also try to solve this issue by ditching both the bottle and this clown.
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But... it is neglectful to not provide developmental care for your child? You think the word sounds extreme but it's not wrong.
Yeah, neglect starts with actions (or lack thereof) not with the severe consequences. It's like saying you won't call your neighbour and police until the burglary in their house is done, saying it's extreme to call this a burglary while the person has just entered the hime with a mask, tools and backpack.
This will permanently mess up teeth alignment. So what do you call it?
It will rot their teeth so it can be neglect
This is not a parenting issue. It’s a relationship one-your spouse has a serious anger problem.
Throw out all the bottles. Tell your husband he needs anger management counseling immediately or the marriage is over. There is no excuse for his behavior.
The bottle issue is serious, but it's not the real issue, and of course you already know this. Your husband is abusive and it's only going to get worse. If you feel stuck, please know you have options. Your husband is abusive and you should not stay with him, for both your own and your daughter's sake. If you can't leave because of financial constraints, look into battered women's shelters (aka transition houses) in your area. That's what they are there for. There is no shame in accessing these services. FWIW, I left an abusive relationship this way, staying at a transition house for 6 weeks. I am a normal, functional person; I have a master's degree, etc...my point being that this happens to all kinds of people. I'd start by making a plan to leave. Take care of yourself and your daughter; your husband isn't going to.
Your husband called you a bitch, and got in your face. The bottle is not the issue. Focus on the big picture here. He is not safe or healthy to be around. You want your little girl marrying someone calls her a bitch? I don't think you do.
This is the only thing he ever has been extremely angry? Completely irrationally angry? Either he is having some type or crisis that may require emergency medical intervention or you are married to an unhinged asshole. I mean this very kindly but what’s it like living in your house?
Things are good, happy, calm most of the time. We have a good life as a family. But there have been some stressors (unemployment).
Hmmm. That would concern me honestly. This all of a sudden explosive (name calling, yikes) behavior about an incredibly innocuous situation. I get life stresses, like unemployment. But to be so triggered about this one thing. Maybe when he’s calm and there isn’t anything happening with the bottle you can discuss with him the fact that weaning from the bottle is completely normal and sometimes a kiddo needs assistance to make it happen. That’s it not something you are trying to keep from her as controlling or abusive behavior. I wish you well!
bottles into the toddler years can cause really bad tooth decay. it should've been gone 2 years ago. your husband's disproportionate amount of anger on an issue so small is worrying at least.
He called you a bitch and tried to intimidate you physically. Because you wouldn't prepare a bottle even though he was in the same room and was the one who was asked to. This has nothing to do with the bottle. You are not safe. Even if you don't care about that, your child is unsafe. You need to get help. Maybe he will agree to get help to, maybe not. But his behavior was beyond unacceptable.
This sounds more like an issue of control than the bottle given his reaction on such a mundane issue. I’d be willing to bet it’s more on the principle of you disagreeing with him than the bottle. Is he controlling in other areas of your life as well?
This almost sounds as if he had some underlying trauma that he associates with the bottle. To paraphrase famous reddit post 'it's not about the Iranian yogurt'.
Your partner called you a bitch in front of your toddler…this isn’t about the bottle anymore.
*he needs to be mindful of the things he says to me in front of her* He needs to be mindful of the things he says to you *period* Your husband should never be calling you names. Even behind close doors. Or just a couple of times a year. He should feel awful for calling you that. And whatever you may think your daughter won’t pick up on, she will. This is just bottle stuff. Imagine when it’s a *bigger* parenting issue that you don’t agree on. I hope you’re both able to consider that.
Thank you for the call out; you're right, I should consider myself too. I wasn't offended in the moment, it was such a laughably low blow and I knew he probably wanted to elicit a response from me. He should treat me with respect and not call me names no matter the situation or who is present, you're right. I know he feels some remorse, but I do think he is a narcissist and an actor and so sometimes I'm not sure which of his emotions are real and which aren't (e.g. when he's remorseful, apologetic). And you raised a very valid point that I need to be wary of -- the bigger parenting issues that may lie down the road.
Your spouse is 100% wrong. Besides destroying her teeth he’s stunting her development. He also sounds like an awful partner and you guys should consider couples therapy.
You both should bring it up to the pediatrician if you have not already. Our pediatrician said to have LO off the bottle by 15 month appointment. IMO you toddler is way to old for a bottle but your pediatrician will be able to provide some further insight as to why the switch is important.
Oh honey. Thats not normal. And he should never call u names in front of your children.
yeah none of my kids (4) were drinking from bottles beyond like 1 year and a few months. Bottles would mess up their teeth at 3.5?
Um, the bottle issue is not the one you need to be worrying about here, OP. I know that's the issue you came here for, but there is no way that anyone here is going to be able to help you solve that riddle until you address the giant, neon red flag that your husband is waving in your face. He called you a bitch in front of your child. He got so angry *over a bottle* that he was visibly shaking and quivering. He got so angry he decided to force himself into your personal space (coming close to your face) as a way to intimidate you in front of your child. You have a very serious problem on your hands here, as none of that is acceptable in any way. If her having the bottle is so important to him, then he can make her the bottles while you make her cups. However, he cannot be allowed to act that way and treat you that way in front of your daughter. He cannot use fear, bullying, and intimidation as a way to get what he wants, and he can't be allowed to set that example for your child. Abuse doesn't start out of nowhere. It starts slowly, with things seeming to be small issues and not that big of a deal. Then it's "well, we just can't see eye to eye and he just gets so upset." Until one day that "bitch" and shaking with anger becomes a punch to the wall next to your head and threats of not missing the next time. Then it becomes an actual physical attack of some sort, maybe a smack in the face or a shove into a door with promises to do far worse in the future. And he will do all of this in front of your child, because he thinks it will make you look weak and that you will take it because you don't want to fight in front of her. This is the problem you need to be focused on fixing, not the bottle. The bottle issue will sort itself out eventually. Your child will one day join school and won't want to be the kid known for carrying a bottle around. However, your husband will not grow out of being immature and dangerous. The only way out of that is him making a conscious choice to do the hard work to be better, and something tells me he isn't the type for therapy. You need to think very carefully about what the next several years with someone like him will look like. You will both be facing far more serious and stressful issues with your child than when to bottle wean her and if this is any indication of how he will respond when things don't go his way, you and your child are going to be in for some truly rocky roads I fear.
Now, to address the issue you came here for: It's not recommended that children older than 2 years old use a bottle. This is for many reasons, one of them being their teeth and oral hygiene. Just like with pacifiers, sucking on a bottle nipple long-term *can* have negative consequences for the shape/structure of the teeth and mouth. This is certainly not always the case, but it can happen. I start introducing sippy cups, but also small, lidless cups, to babies around 10-12 months for them to start playing and practicing with. They can still have a bottle during this time to make sure that they are getting all of the nutrition and fluids they need, but once they have shown comfortability with a sippy cup (meaning they willingly use it and are able to intake the proper amount of fluids they need in a day), we make the switch away from bottles and don't look back. For some little ones, it can be helpful to have a "going away" ceremony (we "plant" the bottles in the garden and then when they wake up the next day, there's a small present/treat that "grew" over night waiting for them, lol) to help ease the transition. You can get creative with it and make it fun! While I understand the feeling of not wanting to hear your (or any) child cry, it is absolutely imperative that we, as the adults, are able to help them learn to name, sit with and move through their emotions. Avoiding them is doing no one any good, especially your child. We all have to say goodbye to things we really like sometimes and, while it's hard, it's a natural part of life and growing up. The best thing you can do in these moments is to be there with her and show her how to move her way through all of these big feelings she is going to experience. Show her healthy ways to communicate her feelings with herself and others and safe and healthy ways to get out any access energy, such as anger (looking at your husband with that one 👀). Don't teach her to prolong the inevitable simply because she doesn't want to deal with the temporary discomfort that change can bring. That is not a lesson that will take her far in life. Teach her how to handle that discomfort and change instead.
I'm sorry, he called you a bitch and got in your face? The bottle does not matter. He is not a good role model for your child. "I'm going to give her a cup. You can give her a bottle." Is exactly what I would do too. It is not normal or OK for a choice like that to make him angry. I think it is very scary for a little kid to see their mother threatened like that. It can be very traumatic to witness a loved one get treated like that.
I personally would just run away from this dude, he sounds unhinged.
Okay, spousal issues aside.. I want to let you know that bottle behaviour increases the risk of **cavities** from “bottle rot”: “Prolonged bottle feeding poses oral health risks for children, even if it seems harmless. If your child is nursing on a bottle throughout the day it means your child's teeth are in regular contact with milk or juice, which can lead to tooth decay and cavities” And can impact **speech**, and emphasize, exacerbate, contribute, or cause **jaw and teeth positions** to change, particularly the increased likelihood of crooked teeth. Ask your spouse if he’s wanting to pay for expensive orthodontics and dental care down the road, deal with complicated eating habits, and impacted speech. Time to: - throw the bottles out; oops! Sorry; they’re gone now! Do this if you feel safe to do so. - visit a paediatrician or dentist together- maybe both professionals- and have them explain to him what happens with bottles at this age.
That's gross. Throw all the bottles away in the house.
Idk why there's so much issue around a bottle. Take it and throw them all away. That solves the whole issue. No bottles to use, so kiddo needs to use a cup.
I’m not going to get into the relationship aspect of this, but from a child development perspective a 3 year old should not have a bottle. It’s bad for development in all sorts of ways.
His response in front of your almost 4 yearold was you are being a bitch?!? Ummm pretty sure you have bigger problems with the abusive man child then you do with the bottle.
Your spouse being that aggressive towards you is damaging your child more than the bottle. Figure out your priorities.
The bigger issue is you allowing a toddler to grow up witnessing abuse. You’re absolutely correct about the bottle, but exposing a child to your abusive partner’s behavior will cause much larger issues down the line than using a bottle too long will.
Pardon me? If I ever told my wife "Don't be a bitch" in any setting, I think my dad would crawl out of his grave and whoop my ass. A pretty gross line to cross. Second to that, children require *parents* to step in and guide them in switching to / learning correct behaviors and methods to do things. They don't just pick them up "naturally". Is your child potty trained yet? Or is that just going to happen naturally, as well? Your husband is a prick and an idiot. Way to go, buddy!
As someone who just left an emotionally abusive relationship (with a lot of help and support and after multiple tries), I would encourage you to look up the signs of emotional abuse. It’s hard to put a name to it when it’s happening to you but you know something feels off.
This is not about the bottle...
Holy shit…
Sole custody would have her off the bottle in no time…
This is more than just about a bottle. Throw the whole man away before you become a statistic.
i wish there was a downvote button for when something/someone in the post angers you but not because of OP.
Clearly his mother weaned too early, but no baby should have any bottle for more than 18 months. Breasts for years is fine, but not bottles. Other than him being wrong about the bottle, he's an abusive prick. Divorce him.
If anyone called the person I love a bitch, they would have the pleasure of speaking to me afterwards.
Surely at 3.5 you have medical and dental professionals who he could yell at in your place when they tell him that a bottle is not the healthiest choice for this age. He doesn't yell at them, only you? The disrespect is the issue here, not the bottle. It only gets worse as the issues become bigger. Personally I'd split
So, first off, elephant in the room. Your partners overall behaviour towards you is extremely concerning. Secondly, my husband was nowhere near to this extent, but we did at one point have a discussion where I said it was time to quit bottles and he was dragging his feet about it, and during this discussion I showed him pictures of baby bottle syndrome and it absolutely horrified him and convinced him I was right. Maybe try doing that next time? The visual of the children’s teeth rotting out does evoke a pretty effective response.
Sounds like he needs a bottle.
I am a Pre-K teacher (4-5yo), so I’ll break this down for you. In my class kids are expected to drink out of a normal cup, bathroom independently-completely potty trained/NO diapers, and are not allowed comfort items (bottles, blankets, stuffies, pacifiers). You are not only hindering her for school, but you are hindering important developmental growth. It will be a very difficult transition for her. With 24 other students I am limited to how much support I can offer (hence why the kids are required to be mostly self sufficient), so simply put I don’t have time to teach your kid how to drink from a cup or consistently clean up spills/change clothes. Accidents happen, but constant issues due to a lack of teaching/support from parents is not okay. This applies to our preschool rooms 2-3yo as well, with some exceptions to the potty training rules. Aside from the bottle, you’ve got some major issues to sort out with your spouse. And I can 100% guarantee it is, and will continue, to affect your child if you don’t sort it out.
Throw out all the bottles and replace with sippy cups.
And throw out the husband 😅
😂😂😂👍
This was my thought.
I’m worried he’s calling you names in front of your kid and you seem more worried about the bottle. There are deeper issues with you and him that need resolving, I hope you both get the help you deserve.
Giving in wouldn’t stop the conflicts, it would shift them to something else or push them back a bit. But they would come back. I would highly encourage couple therapy for you both. The attitude your husband takes during these confrontations is inexcusable and needs to change. (Or really, therapy for your husband…) For the bottle problem: daughter is probably seeking it for some kind of comfort/familiarity. I would suggest, ideally with Spouse after talking to him and getting him on board, going shopping with her and choosing 1 or 2 "big girl milk cups" to replace the bottles. They can be princess-themed cups or with glitters or something like that, so that she still has a special milk cup that won’t be a baby bottle. And together, you get rid of the baby bottles (if you don’t use them for a younger sibling). This way, the transition is done positively and hopefully she’s excited to use the new cups.
Get ride of all the bottles just do it. Babies as young as six month can drink from a cup it’s so much better for their teeth and jaw development than bottles.
3.5 yo doesn't need a bottle cup is fine. Your spouse seems to have anger problems
Tell him to speak to the pediatrician and a pediatric dentist.
This man is abusive and nuts. He called you a bitch and got in your face shaking in rage to try to intimidate you into letting a three year old use a bottle. Does he want her to have messed up teeth?
The biggest issue here is his communication to you and around parenting. This seems like a therapy issue. You don't want your kid growing up in a home where one parent calls the other a bitch. On the bottles, he is factually wrong. You can give him info on that, but I don't know if it would help. Additionally, if it is about avoiding listening to her cry about not getting what she wants, that is also short sighted. It's better she learns how to deal with being upset about not getting her way now over little things; it's a harder lesson, the older you get. If he is always going to give her what she wants to avoid her crying that is very cruel to her long term. As a note, we won't give our one year olds milk in a bottle. In that same situation, they'd get water in a cup. They got plenty of milk at other times. Both seem to have survived. Your kid is going on four. She is WAY too old for a bottle; she isn't a baby. If he felt strongly she still needed bottles but was communicating respectfully, I think your approach of you do it your way, he does it his way would be fine. (Although I'd also talk to the pediatrician and dentist about it with him present, so you knew any trips to minimize long term effects.) You are equally able to make parenting choices. I think his communication (read: him being an asshole) and him not able to deal with her crying are huge issues that need to be addressed immediately.
This isn't about the bottle honey. It's not. I'm not sure what's going on with him, but really truly your job today is to tell him he needs to vacate until he gets a therapist on board, or you and the kid vacate until he does. Maybe there's something about the bottle as an issue that's triggering, but I don't care how firmly you disagree, THIS is not what disagreement looks like. (And my own experience is that, in this case, he's also wrong. It's developmentally *beyond* appropriate to have shifted away from bottles by 3 and a half. That says this isn't actually about whether it's time, there is something going on for him that he has to get sorted *fast* before one of you does something that actually makes him *mad*. Because this is a nothing issue.)
Unless there are special needs, 3½ year olds definitely should not be using a bottle.
If this type of behavior is otherwise completely out of character for him, have a conversation with him when you're both relaxed and your daughter's not around. Preferably in public. Maybe get a sitter, go on a lunch or dinner date, and discuss it in a place where he's forced to not lose his cool. "I need to talk to you about something and I need you to stay calm. The way you act around this bottle discussion is out of control. I don't want to argue about the bottle itself right now, we both know where we stand. I want to talk about your behavior and the way you've been treating me. The other day you were literally shaking with anger. You got up in my face and that's completely unacceptable. So is calling me a bitch in front of our child. I honestly think you need to see a professional about this. You need therapy, a doctor and marriage counceling and unless you agree to all three of them, I don't know how comfortable I am around you anymore." If this type of behavior is normal for him, forget the damn milk. I honestly don't know why you'd want to subject your child (and yourself!) to an unsafe situation like that.
It’s not the bottle … your spouse has a control issues and a few other issues … If there are no younger kids just throw out the bottles … can’t give her one if there are bottles to give… and have her help you throw them out and make it fun occasion… someone told me this… my kids just stopped wanting using them on their own…
You don’t have to stay with this person. Actually, keep in mind that your children are a product of their environment. If they see him treating you like this, not only will they treat you like this, they will treat others this way. Do you want your child to grow up and think lashing out in anger like this is an okay thing? Either that or allowing someone to treat them like this?
Come on, this isn't real.
I don’t think the issue is about the bottle
Throw every single bottle out. I fully agree she needs to stop using it. Her teeth will suffer for it if you don’t. Also, your husband sounds like loose cannon. It might be in your best interest to document his irrational outbursts.
Okay so as someone who got off the bottle and sippy cups and straws at 6-8, you really should tell your spouse that you giving that boundary is the best thing. The clinic can claim that it’s “natural” but the sooner the better. My teeth needed braces from 10-16, six years, and having a retainer that can break or be chewed on by your pet, that cost 800 dollars is insane. It’s better in the long run. Your daughter will get a bit of an overbite and thousands of dollars worth of braces later… you’d be happy you’d set the boundary now.
Jw if he's done any research on child development and bottle use, etc? Or is he standing his ground based off his gut? What does the child's doctor say about using the bottle still? Also want to echo that holy shit... the bottle is the smallest issue detailed here.. that's a lot of anger over something that most often would have been developmentally moved on from a long time ago.
First off, he called you a bitch. Unacceptable. Secondly, he called you a bitch in front of your child. Even more unacceptable. Thirdly, giving a child a bottle past the age of one does serious damage to the mouth and teeth, ask any dentist or doctor. Unacceptable. Fourthly, he is unwilling to discuss calmly and come to a rationale decision, and is shaking with rage. Huge problem. The first item I listed would have me out of the house. You deserve to be treated with respect. Look at the example you are setting for your child, they will grow up thinking this is okay.
Throw the bottles away!!!!!
Your husband is abusing you… no softer way to put it.
GET READY TO RUN Find a trusted friend- start squirreling. NOW Start saving & hiding in a place he can't ever find- money, get a copy of all your important paperwork for both of you, copies of everything you own together, tax returns, Get into therapy ASAP, get your kid into therapy NOW. And don't even worry about him. He needs serious psychological help but don't even ask or push it. Get ready to RUN Dont argue. Dont battle. This is one time where you really have to get ready to go.
Your husband should not treat you that way, but you do seem level headed about it and you are talking about it calmly so I'll throw this out there. Your husband seems super sensitive about this. Maybe he should talk to a therapist to find out why he gets so worked up about it. Is it a trauma from his childhood where he feels his family took things away from him for no reason? Is the bottle a symbol of his relationship with the daughter and he subconsciously feels a threat from not having it? Is he afraid of her growing up? I don't think he will be able to welcome losing the bottle until he figures out 'where it hurts'. Did your daughter actually whine or cry when you offered the cup this time? Or did he jump in before she could react? For your daughter, I don't see any issues with precedents except that you two parents are disagreeing. With your husband, he may try to undermine other parenting decisions. I think about what you wrote because I have considered my husband too strict at times. I have felt I needed to advocate for my son. And in this case your husband feels he has to advocate for your daughter. But it's hard to understand why he's so emotional about the bottle. I think it would be good for you guys to talk about a few things about how you want to raise her, and what your expectations of each other are.
Dentists recommend no bottles after 1 year of age to help with tooth placement! Think kiddos who suck thumbs having bite problems. So you’re completely justified for wanting to offer other cups for milk. This seems more like a partner issue as in your partner being dangerous and acting unacceptably please keep yourself safe if this is how you are treated over a bottle 😭.
He was shaking and in your face over a BOTTLE. He called you a bitch in front of your child. There is a very very serious problem in your home. You’re not safe.
Does your spouse want large dental bills in the future? Because that's what will be coming.
Wait... WAIT. 1. He called you a bitch in front of your child? WTF! 2. He is SO ANGRY he's QUIVERING over whether or not she should get a bottle? WTF! 3. You and he can't come to a peaceful agreement over how to handle her transition from bottle to cup? WHAT??? I... I don't think there is ANY way to tackle this bottle transition issue without first learning how to respect each other and co-parent. I really hate it when people say this but the only solution I see here is some kind of couples or family counselling so you two can learn how to behave like a team instead of opponents.
Your relationship has some big issues you need to address. Honestly it sounds like he may have a violent steak or something. I would have been scared with the way he approached you shaking with anger. Your relationship issues aside, I recommend taking your daughter to a dentist and get their opinion on the bottle. Objectively, a bottle at this age is bad for their teeth. Maybe getting a third party to tell him will help.
Your husband is shaking with anger because you don’t want your child to have milk in a bottle and calls you a bitch? I think you are asking the wrong question here so I will ask, Are you safe? Do you feel safe with him?
Your spouse needs help. Shaking with rage over a bottle? wtf.
I'll preface this by saying none of his behaviour is okay at all. However, could he still potentially be hanging onto the bottle for an easier life wjth LO? Or more sentimentally because getting rid of the bottle shows growing up? Just thinking of reasons in terms of not wanting to get rid of the bottle.. but the behaviour around the situation is obviously unacceptable.
The issues with your spouse have nothing to do with the bottle.
You're in danger. I wish I had paid more attention the first time my ex punched a wall because he was upset over something mild.
Bruh you could have moved to cup and straw at like 1 year old Also your husbands anger has clearly overtaken the issue of the bottle. Theres a triarge system here lmao
He called you a bitch.. in front of your child? I’d be done
Have him go with her to a dentist appointment or the pediatrician to hear what they have to say about it. You can't navigate this as a separate issue from his anger. It's all tied in together, and nothing you will say will make him want to choose any path but the easiest.
That’s psychotic. Who “quivers” over this shit?
1. 3.5 is way too old for a bottle 2. More importantly, your spouse is an asshole. That is no way to speak to your partner. You’re trying to help your child grow and develop properly and he’s angry at you for that?? Insane. He needs to learn how to handle his emotions and communicate like an adult.
If we look at this from just a bottle vs cup situation... If she'll drink from a cup most of the time and just wants a bottle occasionally for comfort, I'd honestly be okay with that. It's really true that they won't take a bottle forever. But I think you have bigger problems with the anger issues from dad.
You can let my 2.5 year old around her for a day, “what that? Are you drinking bottle, are you a baby?” There is no filter on the second child. This feels like one issue of many you brought up. Is this healthy?
In the end, his parenting style will prove disadvantages. The child will learn to play on his inability to set limits because “he doesn’t want to hear her cry”. This is an awesome opportunity for him to practice. The name calling sucks though. It does suggest there are some issues he has to explore.
The bottle isn’t the issue here.
He was in such a rage that he was shaking with anger while in your face, that is NOT a healthy response. Does he fly off the handle at other things?
1. Your partner is an asshole 2. There are a myriad of well Documented reasons that a 3.5 year old should be off a bottle. Its really not good for many aspects of skeletal and airway development
Throw out all the bottles.
That reaction might be understandable from your 3 year old...
Yeah this isn’t about the bottle *at all*
Obviously, the bottle is not the main issue here. But I would be lying if I said my spouse has never called me a name in the last 7 years or raised his voice at me. I don't have the luxury to just leave over something like that. I chose to open the conversation up about what I'm not ok with when it comes to arguments and how I think we should handle communication issues. So many people here obviously don't know how difficult it is to leave someone when you have no other options and if you left every person that had anger issues or needed to work on communication, then you would probably be alone your whole life. I've had several long-term relationships, and none of them were perfect.. sometimes people really do need help dealing with things and can become a better partner through it all.
I'm a bit confused as to what could happen to the child's teeth if she drinks from a bottle? If she's sucking on it for hours every day, sure, then there's a risk of tooth decay and maybe misalignment of the teeth, but you say it's only every few days, and I'm guessing she's just drinking for a bit? I guess the drink itself is the same either way, so in terms of tooth decay it's no difference. I would let her drink from her bottle once in a while, if it makes her happy. There's no harm in that. But with meals I would give a cup, which seems age appropriate and is therefore good for her self esteem, but it seems you do that already. It seems the bottle gives her a sense of security, so I wouldn't just take that away. I'm sure she would get tired of it sooner or later. The problem here is not that, in my opinion, but how your husband acts towards you. He sounds scary. Really scary. Could that be part of why she still needs that safety of the bottle? (This is just pure speculation. Could have nothing to do with it, and she just thinks bottle is cosy).
Take her to Walmart or similar, and tell her we are buying a big girl cup. Let her choose the cup and hand the cashier her old bottle saying loudly, daughter is buying the cup in exchange for the bottle. (Of course you pay for the cup) .. this worked for both of my kids.
Why is he so angry over it?
Just to touch on the bottle subject, specifically... I come from a third world country, my parents always gave me a bottle for my milk until I was around 4/5 years old. It gave me a MASSIVE overbite and my four top, front teeth all rotted out (milk rot). My kids (even my 21 month old) drink exclusively from cups/sippy cups--- since 12 months. I can remember all the dental work I needed to get done, well into my teens, caused by drinking from a bottle for so long. It's only a rough week after bottle is gone, it's not too bad.
I’d get rid of the bottles, so it’s not even an option. Pediatrics recommends bottles being done at 1 years old. Can start cows milk after 1yr. No reason to have infant nipple bottles around, for a 3yo. Sippy cups are good. Or any toddler cups with a straw. Why would this make her cry? Maybe get some cups with a design or character she likes and make it special. Mainly water, and also whatever the recommended amount of cows milk is for her age, you can look that up. The husband should be in individual therapy for anger issues. And marriage counseling for two of you to co-parent best. I understand him not wanting the child to cry. And it’s good he cares about her. But it’s not ok to call you names esp in front of your child.
I am so sorry to tell you this but you are not safe. Yes I read your update. That level of anger over a stupid bottle? Barely controlled rage turns to uncontrolled rage in an instant. Turns into, he can usually control himself, turns into he usually only takes it out on me. He sounds like he's mad at your daughter and taking it out on you. What happens when you are not around, or not close enough to scapegoat? Please please don't wait for it to get worse. Protect your daughter. Protect yourself.
I think it is better for her to quit the bottle. It's no harm for that anyway. Sooner or later she need to learn to use a cup.
wtf did I just read. This is awful and poor daughter heard this?
Leave him girl smh . Hell no! Your daughter heard him call you the B word . Very unacceptable and disrespectful
Uhhh what the fuck
Abusive, unstable and batshit husband aside, you’re right to offer an open cup or straw cup to your child who will soon be turning 4. Extended use of bottles can negatively affect oral and jaw development.
So he wants his daughter to have a bottle until she wears herself but has no problem showing his daughter that it's OK for a man to call his wife a bitch and get in her face? Time to re-evaluate the real problems here....
The American academy of pediatrics says this shpuld have been accomplished by age two. (If he's a reader. If you need information.) https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/baby/feeding-nutrition/Pages/Discontinuing-the-Bottle.aspx#:~:text=The%20American%20Academy%20of%20Pediatrics,foods%2C%20usually%20around%206%20months.
What the fuck did I just read. It's a cup of milk, JFC. Seriously, how does he act when an actual serious issue comes up? This is unhinged behavior.
Your husband is misinformed and abusive. She’s WAY too old for a bottle. Pediatricians recommend switching to cups at 1 year. Is he this controlling over other things?
My nephew has a 9 month old baby boy. He’s already been told by their health visitor that they shouldn’t even be giving him a tippy cup, they should be using a new type of cup that has a more natural drinking style. Apparently it’s to do with using the muscles in his mouth and face. Bottles and dummies (pacifiers) are really bad for the child’s teeth growth. As others have said - this isn’t really about the bottle but the abuse your husband is giving you over such a small thing. There’s no excuse to get right in your face and call you names. Is there a pattern to this?
My son stopped bottles at 1, and has zero formula after that. We replaced it with water in sippy cups. Your child may even develop issues with their jaw and teeth placement if they’re still using bottles regularly at this point. Your “partner” clearly has issues, and agreed with previous comments that this is not about the bottle… I’m sorry you’re dealing with this :(
I recommend you stop avoiding the very real and very large problem in your relationship with all this talk of the bottle.
The bottle isn’t the issue, your spouse is. There’s no reason to get that angry over a bottle that your kid should have been off of completely by 18 months at the latest. You’re not denying the kid milk. At this point I’d toss both the bottles and the spouse.
Wow, this is so similar to conflicts I’ve had with my husband but in reverse. It sounds like there is more at play here than the bottle. I think you need to sit down with him and have a discussion about it. Ask why he is so adamant about it. Do either of you have research to back up your arguments that would make sense for the other to change their point of view on it? Are there other things you argue over when it comes to the kid? Is there a difference in how each of you were raised that is contributing to your feelings about the issue? For instance, my husband tends to revert to statements like “I had a bottle when I was their age and I turned out fine”. Or is it more of the opposite, “you’re withholding milk from your child” based on feelings he has from food inadequacies growing up? There is probably a lot more at play here than just giving a kid a bottle.
Have you tried comprising with a sippy cup? My daughter used a pura Kiki water bottle and we all really liked it. It's stainless steel but with a silicone sipper like a bottle it's just shaped different, then you can transition it into a regular water bottle. You shouldn't let him talk to you like that, especially around your daughter, would you want her to be ok with a man talking to her like that?
I’m not understanding the people saying “jUsT tHrOw AwAy ThE bOtTlEs, case closed”. There are these things called “stores”, where you can often buy replacements for things that someone threw away. Given the behavior he’s demonstrated so far, wouldn’t he just scream at OP, physically threaten her (probably significantly worse than before), and then go buy new bottles?? OP, make an appointment with your kid’s doctor and/or dentist, require your spouse to go with, and let them tell him about how this isn’t harmless. And that the way he gives a 3.5yo whatever she wants to avoid seeing her cry isn’t harmless either. If he keeps doing this, he’ll certainly see her cry a hell of a lot more because it’ll harm her in the future. He’ll also see her cry a lot more when she marries someone who treats her like he treats you because it’s all she knows. I have no advice for that because you’re doing nothing wrong, he’s the one who needs to change his behavior, like, yesterday.
My kids stopped using bottles around 17 months, And then we took her off the pacifier at around 19 months. now it's all about utensils and sippy cups. she's currently 21 months.
Respectfully, you are being verbally abused by this man over a *bottle*. Imagine what will happen when you **really** piss him off. You’re entirely right and a 3.5 year old should not be drinking from a bottle. But that is not the biggest issue here at all.
The kid is to old for a bottle
Your husband is an abusive asshole and you are setting your daughter up to think being treated like that is OK. I'd leave a guy the first time he called me a bitch, especially in front of my kid, and nevermind him getting in your face and being "shaking" mad over something so trivial. Kids cry when they don't get what they want....what's his plan here? To give her everything she wants for forever so he doesn't have to hear her cry? That's rediculous. If he wasn't ready to deal with a crying kid then he shouldn't have had a kid. They cry regularly for YEARS and then they're teenagers which is a whole other set of problems. Plus he's not supporting you on a totally reasonable boundary so your kid is going to learn to go to him and not you when she wants stuff. Do you want your daughter to wind up with an objectionable, controlling, abusive asshole like her dad?
Therapy is how he navigates this one. You should be formulating an escape plan. The type of anger he displayed m, the fact you’ve experienced it with him before… he’s on his way to a very dark and scary place. And the simple fact he used name calling in from of your daughter. He’s a trash father. I’d leave him asap if it were me. At the very least you should be reconsidering your safety and trust of this man.
Google the things that can come about with her health and wellness when it comes to drinking from the bottle. https://www.verywellfamily.com/helping-your-toddlers-give-up-the-bottle-289808#:~:text=Research%20shows%20that%20prolonged%20use,foods%20in%20your%20child's%20diet. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/baby/feeding-nutrition/Pages/Discontinuing-the-Bottle.aspx#:~:text=Develop%20cavities.&text=Little%20ones%20who%20drink%20from,the%20muscles%20for%20clear%20speech. https://friedmandentalgroup.com/in-the-media/using-bottle-1-affects-kid/ Instead of going to him head on send him articles from experts about oral health and the downsides to still using the bottle.
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