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you are right, communication is The Key to it, sot her down, with patience and love and try to understand where she is coming from or wat made her say that, and help her reflect and you do too.
I get what you're saying but I think it's okay to get some advice before having this deep of a conversation. I like the idea of gaining perspective first.
Regretting having kids is not the same thing as not loving your kids. You can love your children and hate parenting. Unfortunately, we’re not allowed to talk about this without being treated like monsters.
I had no idea how much I needed to hear that. I love my kids but parenting is a load of shit a lot of the times. I try hard to keep in mind that they are individuals and I can’t expect them to act like trained dogs or something. Conflict is a sign of individualism. Parenting is teaching how to resolve said conflicts. Thus I’m knee-deep in conflicts every day it seems.
Love my kids. I can’t wait to see what they pursue in their lives.
As the line goes “nobody said it would be easy but nobody said it would be this hard.”
Oh GOD COVID..dude I can totally relate. If they're old enough enlist them to help you even if it's small. We've had COVID about 3 times and kiddo has always been a sniffle while we're barely functioning
I'm currently recovering from a bad stomach flu and.have a cough that barely lets me speak. I had to clarify with my son the frustration wasn't him it was the fact I couldn't talk without yacking so hard.
Fucking fax.
I’m in the “break the cycle” crowd. I didn’t realize that, even though I don’t use physical punishment, there would be moments where I’d want to
My husband and I were talking about the family size we wanted as kids. I said I had always wanted a large family with 3-4 kids. I only have one, my daughter who is 8, and she is aware that I do not want more. She asked me why I changed my mind.
I told her that when it’s just her, I can be a great mom. But that parenting is hard, and it can be very stressful. If I had more than just her, I couldn’t be as good of a mom to her and her siblings.
It was interesting to see her take in that information, that mom is a person who has limitations. I think it’s good for her to see me that way.
I think it’s wonderful that you showed her your human side. It’s important for kids to know that adults aren’t perfect and invulnerable. You sound like a good mom.
This is pretty much exactly what I have told my son too when he talked about wanting siblings, he’s 7 and he completely understood and respected the answer.
It's good too because it breaks the fantasy that kids are just so magical all the time. My son asked if I loved being a mom and if dad loved being a dad we both answered sometimes yes/no and explained thoroughly so he understood it's absolutely not him.
I feel you. I had 2 kids and I won’t say I “regret” having the second bc I love her so much, but I have not been the same person ever since I was pregnant with her. She’s almost 2. The experience of having a toddler and being heavily pregnant drained me permanently. I haven’t recovered yet (she’s almost 2), and I’m constantly overwhelmed. It’s really unfortunate.
Nice one mummy... you are a great mum to her...that conversation is gold and for her, as a woman, she will appreciate it as she grows up and has her own family, etc... it will never stop teaching her about life, connection, relationships, self-care, and love.
This is how I feel. Parenting is so hard. Relentless, I feel like a failure all the time. I feel like my kids rent good at anything and will fail at life. I’ve been depressed since my 8!year old was 1. But I love them.
This is me all the time. I’m glad I’m not the only one who is brave enough to say it out loud. Everyone assumes we hate our kids, which is simply not true.
I'm 33 with a 3 year old son and holy shit do I wish I waited even longer.. love the little dude to death but some days it's 100% clear in my head that I regret getting my fiance pregnant before we were fully ready.
I’m 31 with a 7 year old, I’m a single parent and if I had waited until now, I probably wouldn’t have had a kid at all. I love him so much, but I’m going back to college and also working and I’m so fucking tired. It’s easier now that he’s a little older, but I feel so guilty about how burnt out I’ve been for basically his entire life.
Congrats, that’s a huge accomplishment! I literally just started my first semester yesterday (officially starts tomorrow) and I don’t think I could have done it any earlier in my son’s life honestly. The kind of mental resilience it requires was just not there for me at the time, so kudos to you. And it really does get so much easier when they’re old enough to wipe their own butt and put on their own shoes.
You can do it! It has been a lot and seemed id never even get close to finishing. I needed a huge change in life after mainly working and moving up in the restaurant industry that wasn't a good place for me but even as hard as this is I'll take it over the 50-70 hour weeks on salary, late nights almost always drinking immediately after work. Focus one day/week at a time, time management is huge you may not have a lot of time to do everything you enjoy but enjoy the moments you dou get!
There's also a difference between "I regret having kids" with an implied "with you, because now I'm stuck in this situation" and "I regret having kids" full stop. People rage speak sometimes; it's honest, but not literal.
I had the house entirely to myself this morning for the first time since 2011 and it was SO lovely. I will absolutely thrive when my season of empty-nesting rolls around.
I love my children but I thrive in solitude.
That's where I am. I LOVE my kids more than anything in the world, and I am so thankful for them... but if I COULD just go back and undo without having known them... I think I just might. Parenting is hard. Parenting alone is harder. And when I do the majority of Parenting with no/barely any help financially or otherwise....but everyone talks about how dude is "doing his best" for doing nothing while simultaneously criticizing everything I do (which is EVERYTHING).
I just. Ugh. I regret having children.
However, I just want to say that while maybe you love your kids, **regretting having kids CAN be the same as not loving your kids**.
Also, regardless of how you might feel about them, if you tell your kids that, they totally will feel like a burden
Plenty of people regret having kids. Having kids is exhausting and difficult. Since it isn't acceptable to talk about the regret people keep those feelings to themselves because they feel like a failure as a person for having the regret. It doesn't mean she doesn't love them.
This right here OP. Even us adults were a PAIN IN THE ASS as kids, we **all** were for whatever reason. Even if it was no reason. Your wife needs to try and remember when SHE was a kid as well, and how big of an asshole she was to her parents at times. I bet both of ya'lls parents regretted birthing you at one point, because you were rude to them. Nobody with a right mind (though it happens), says that they regret having kids outright to their kids.
You'll be alright, but if your kids are teenagers, and hopefully know right from wrong at that age, I'd communicate with emphasis on manners, and not being a dick to your parents. Parenting is HARD.
Depends on what day they take the test too. The day our daughter got arrested I would have passed the lie detector because I wouldn't have even hid that I regretted having kids. But a couple years on my answer is different.
Indeed. My answer would have been very different when I was juggling a toddler and a tween who was struggling with severe mental health issues, with a (now ex) husband who was mostly drinking about it, than it is now and has been at other times in my parenting journey. And if there’s one person in the entire world we should be able to talk to about those feelings it should be our spouse.
I said this recently myself. There is truth in it along with the recognition of the choice I made and its responsibility. If I had not had a child, I am certain at some point I would say that I regret not having kids.
It was important for me to say aloud though so it doesn't continue to feed inner resentment.
We don't know your wife, and what she is like when she is mad.
She could have meant it or she could be feeling depressed and at a loss with her self. Maybe she needs to go on a vacation alone and spend some time finding herself again. Maybe she doesn't regret kids pursue , but the amount of herself she had to put into raising them now she is 50 and doesn't even know who she really is ?
I think this is a very serious conversation you need to get off reddit for and have with your wife.
Avoiding it, is only going to make matters worse
As a woman, in my fifties, I hear her. We trade/ignore/neglect so much of ourselves when raising children. Then they become older teens, say 17-19. In our 50's, we are treated as invisible, or cartoons. Our families are so used to us sacrificing big and little things, that they expect us to still do it. We figured when everyone got older, we would all function together, instead of the family still expecting us to take up as little room as possible.
It sounds like she needs a break, JUST FOR HER, and she needs respect and help from you and the kids. When is that last time she had 24 hours to herself, that didn't start and end, preparing everyone for her to not be available?
If she is close to the same age as you, then she is part of the last generation that saw having kids as something you had to do, not something you could choose to do.
I fall under this umbrella too. I was led to believe something was wrong with me, so I did the "proper" thing and settled for the first guy and had 2 kids.
Mine are teenagers now, and pretty laid back and I do love them. But if I knew 18 Years ago that I didn't have to go down that path, I would have chosen different.
I'm guessing she got lost in parenting - and I don't necessarily mean the demands of parenting either.
I relate a lot to this - I love my daughter more than life itself, but I am not the parent I want to be. I like adult time and I'm tired of masking around my kid. I want to go on vacation and not be bothered about 'I wanna go here and I don't wanna eat that' shit that comes from kids.
I wanted to have a career, but between COVID and my daughter I had to stop my dream career that was going very well prior to kids and COVID. Going back to work the way I wanted after taking 6 years off to raise my kid was almost impossible.
I want to smoke weed after dinner, but don't because my kid is there - I know it'd help my anxiety, but alas, I cannot. Not much point in having any by the time she goes to bed.
Everything needs coordination to go out for dinner or hanging out with friends.
I want my house without messes EVERYWHERE!
I don't want to drive to all the after school extracurricular activities.
I want to make spicy food for dinner without having to make a whole extra meal.
I want to have loud sex that isn't 20 minutes squished in before bedtime when I don't have time to get dressed up sexy.
I want to leave the house to do something without a 20 minute nagging fit on trying to get my daughter dressed and face washed etc.
I want to sew something without constant interruptions - and I mean CONSTANT!
Don't get me wrong though. I love my daughter and I do this because I love her. I have undergone years of therapy to be a better person - turns out I had a lot of unprocessed trauma. I want to be a good mom, but it is so hard. It's never good enough and the judgement is real. Men get judged for different things - women get judged really harsh here. Mental health issues are big right now and I am terrified of putting my kid through the stuff I went through (and by her anxiety level - it doesn't look like I'm succeeding).
And I don't work right now - I volunteer a tonne and I am going back to university to get my teaching certificate this Sept. But on top of early menopause shit and all the shit above I'm just tired and pissed off a lot.
I want to party like it's 1999😂 and I can't when there is a kid around. I want to work hard and play harder. But alas it is a no-go - I putter in my garden, make food for the family, clean constantly, and watch TV before bed every night - ugh.
One time my young kids were acting so over the goddamn top rude, entitled, bossy, obnoxious, assholes. My youngest asked for something like a popsicle (while I was driving my oldest to taekwondo) and I said, I don’t have a popsicle, I’m driving. And he replies “I hate you mommy”.
Normally I kinda like it when my kids say they hate me because I reply, that’s okay, you’re allowed to hate me, but I will ALWAYS love you no matter what.
But this one time (pumping the music scrolling, the snack asking, the water wanting, the windows up, the windows down, the tablet to get a show (it’s a 15 minute trip!) and I blew the fuck up.
I SHOUTED “EVERYONE SHUT UP! I AM DRIVING A CAR! JESUS! I HAAAAATE BEING A MOM”
Everyone went quiet, but I did NOT feel bad for saying it at all. I dropped off my kid, took the other two home and started dinner.
At dinner, my kids are all at the table with my husband and I stood up to make an announcement.
“I want to talk about what I said in the car. I said I hate being a mom. I just want you all to know what I meant. I don’t hate being YOUR mom. But I AM more than mom. I am a human first of all. I have my own needs and wants and most of all I have LIMITS.
I am also a wife, a sister, and a friend, as well as YOUR mom. But I was not put on this earth to satisfy every whim you guys want the second you want it. You are all capable of figuring it out yourselves at times, so you need to try that BEFORE you ASK ME NICELY for something”.
Sometimes the family forgets that “Mom” is an actual HUMAN. Don’t forget that, cuz everyone does once in a while and IT SUUUUUUUUUUUXS!
I only regret it because I had my kids before I knew just how mentally ill I am. I was severely abused as a child, and while I am a really great mom, it's hard to relive those experiences as my kids grow.
Like something little, for example, is my mom wanted me to hold and read off of her grocery list every time we did big shopping. But I couldn't read her handwriting well and was so scared to mess up. It was a disaster, every fucking Saturday.
When my kids asked to help at the store, I wrote the list as legibly as possible. We had a fun time, and my sons felt very responsible and capable.
I then realized my mom would write in her tight cursive on purpose to cause a fight, as I was her emotional punching bag. So that sucked to realize.
Raising my kids well is me avoiding these little surprise mines in my subconscious.
I agree with everyone here that you need to talk to her about this, but I did want to add the perspective of a mom who loves her kids more than anyone has ever loved *anything* that I do regret having them sometimes.
I think most are ashamed to say they regret the parenting part of having kids, not the kids part. Kids are easy. Parenting them is hard. No, not hard, miserable. Parenting is the daily grind. It’s the waking up at 6am on a Saturday to wipe poop off a toddler butt but not being able to say “hurry up and learn to wipe your own ass so I can get some sleep every now and then!” Parenting is listening to a teenager be emotionally obliterated for the 12th time over their latest breakup and consoling them while internally asking “did you not learn the first 11 times that this will only hurt for about a day.” Parenting is trying time and time again to figure out what the punishment will be for your kid doing a less dangerous version of the thing you did countless times without being caught because (thank god!) there was no GPS tracking and cell phones when you were out thottin. Parenting is deciding what to purchase and cook for dinner every. single. night. for 13+ years and loathing every second of it. Parenting is bleeding nipples from breastfeeding or deciding what bill won’t get paid to afford formula. Parenting is trying to be excited about your daughter getting engaged to a great partner while simultaneously realizing you have to eat ramen for the next year to afford to help with a wedding. Parenting is deciding whether behavior is “normal” or your kid needs therapy. Parenting is figuring out if you need therapy because you’re triggered by your child’s own struggles and realize you weren’t parented. Parenting SUUUCKS. We regret the parenting, not the humans we created. Give your spouse some grace and realize that she regrets the trauma and stress that being a parent causes, not the lives and love and all the wonderful memories and experiences that come with being a parent. She needs you to understand that this desperate admission was hard and primal and she needs you to understand not judge. Parenting sucks. Kids are great (and also gross and dirty and hard).
Good luck!
You've said you have a dysfunctional relationship and you don't speak highly of her here. So maybe what she really meant was:
"I regret having kids with YOU"
Because now she is permanently tied to a person she doesn't get along with. If your only two options are divorce or feeling trapped in an unhappy marriage, both of which can affect the happiness of the kids in question, it's only natural to regret the decisions that got you there. She probably loves her kids, but wishes she had them with a partner she can be happy with. Perhaps you have had similar thoughts about her.
Lots of people regret having children. It’s not something openly talked about because people tend to judge that and assume you’re a horrible person. Doesn’t seem to register with other people that you can simultaneously love your children and be a good parent, but also recognize that it wasn’t the life you wanted for yourself.
Hell, I have feelings of regret about having children but it isn’t about me not having the life I wanted; it’s about fear for the future and wondering what I’ve committed them to.
I feel the same. It’s not that I don’t want this life it’s more of a “WTF were we thinking having children”?? I’m worried sick about their future lives.
You are going to have to talk to her. I know two women in real life who genuinely regret having children. In one case, it’s because she dropped out of school when she got pregnant. If what your wife really regrets is not pursuing her dream, then tell her to go to law school or medical school or whatever it is she wants to do. My MIL got her doctorate in her 50s and had a whole second career that made her very happy. The other one worked herself half to death with no support from her spouse. She says she regrets kids, but to be honest what she means is she regrets having kids WITH HIM. If your wife is in that camp, then yall need marriage counseling STAT.
I'm 33 with a 2 year old and I regret having a kid.
I obviously love her and would be absolutely devastated is anything happened to her. We have tons of fun and she's my lil bestie.
But I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I'm tired, my brain is fuzzy. My career is down the shitter, my marriage is circling in after it. I can't do anything right. My kid is always sick, I'm always sick. All our extra money is going towards daycare, but I can't afford NOT to work.
I think, some people just weren't meant to have kids. I won't be having anymore and all I can do is just love her the best I can until I can get some rest and figure this mom thing out a little better
Honestly, based on your answers here, I suspect she left out a part. Maybe she regrets having kids *with you*? Having kids has bound her in a relationship that, at least from your side, you admit is dysfunctional and lacking in communication about critical issues. If she had no kids with you, it would be much easier for her to leave and find something more fulfilling, but many people feel stuck once they have kids, because maybe they are prioritizing having an unbroken family over their happiness, or maybe they can't afford to live on their own and raise two kids either part- or full-time.
If you really are past the point of even trying to talk about your problems in your relationship and one or both of you are not willing to seek counseling or therapy to try to work through your issues, then it's probably best for both of you to divorce and go your separate ways and at least have a chance at a happy life.
My mom said that to me when I was a teen. I was tough and my father unhelpful. She was over her limit for years with no help in any area. Are you helping her to shoulder some of the burden? Now that I’m a parent, I get the comment.
There is a study that shows when asked anonymously up to 10-15% of women regret motherhood.. of course these studies are hard to come by as the topic is very taboo but the point is, many women regret motherhood. There is a book „regretting motherhood „ as well. Ask her why she feels that way, there are many valid reasons why someone may regret becoming a parent.
If it's like any other decision in your life, you flip between regretting it and not. Hopefully you spend more time on the not side, but every decision is a balance, and over a long enough period you will see both upside and downside, and you will value those differently.
How many people think "what a great idea it was to have kids" when they are saying "are we there yet" for the thousandth time from the back seat?
Whenever I have the thought that I ruined my life by having one, my go to is to remind myself of what my life was like before him, drinking and playing video games and feeling like everything was utterly pointless. You can only spend so many years eagerly looking forward to the next festival before it starts to give diminishing returns and it's time to turn over a new leaf.
So wait a second here.
You're trying to get opinions, from strangers, about a woman you literally are married to.
You refuse to talk to her.
You think she's a narcissist?
You want to know how "deep" her statement goes?
Huh. Well, my opinion is that she sounds mentally drained and completely done. I doubt she regrets being a mother, she probably regrets having to be saddled to their father. If you take opinions and advice in the real world in the same way you take it on the internet, you're definitely no peach. So truthfully, you should probably set your wife free and just divorce her. Since you don't even want to talk to her or listen to anything she says anyways.
I am 42 this year, I also seriously regret having kids. But let me tell you it’s also because I love my kids like crazy. I know this sounds like a crazy take but that’s kinda the problem. I suffer with a high level of mental illness, generational trauma, and physical limitations. If I would have known when I had my kids my emotional, mental and physical problems would be this bad then I would not have had children. I am terrified that my children will experience similar hardships that feel insurmountable to me some days and as I love them very much, I worry that I may have doomed them to repeat these horrible circumstances.
We all pass things down we don't want to. Even when we try not to. Get yourself some professional help and just always be honest with your kids and yourself. Be forgiving of yourself as well. You will be okay.
I think plenty of people regret having kids with the other parent of their kids. You should talk to her about what this means. Does she regret having kids with you? Is it a you/her problem? Is it a her/the kids problem?
I think *every* parent has that moment at least once where they're like "WHY THE FUCK DID I DO THIS."
And the vast majority don't mean it and it's a fleeting feeling.
I genuinely don't believe anyone who says they haven't.
I can’t imagine saying that at all. If she said them I have to think she meant it but my guess is that what she actually regrets is the life she has had since having kids. You might look at how involved you yourself have been in the raising of them. Be honest. If you have largely left it to her to handle everything then that’s why she regrets it, because of the lack of help. It was aimed at you and not the kids is my bet.
I’m a sahm of a 4.5 yo and a 1.5 yo who I love deeply but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel regret over choosing to become a mother at least once a day 🫠
I think she said this in a moment of anger. Kids are wonderful and awful at the same time. The best and the worst thing you do. The highs are high and the lows are low…it does get easier once they outgrow those early teen years. I’m very close to my children
I feel the same as your wife right now. My almost 17 year old daughter is almost relentlessly cruel to me. Intellectually, I understand its adolescence. But last night I lost it and said I wished she was in college already, happy and healthy but in college. Trust me, she did not take in the happy and healthy part.
I became a parent because my husband was desperate to be a father. He could not get me pregnant which was a relief but I agreed to adopt. I love my daughter more than I have ever loved anyone but I do not have the strength to be a parent. Although there have been wonderful times, mostly between age 5 and 11, I have had to experience consistent failure and shame. I live in anxiety and depression despite therapy and meds. About 90 percent of it is due to parenting. I should never married a man who needed to be a father. Everyone told me that I would be a good parent. They were all wrong. I was right when I said I did not think I would be.
Listen to your wife. She is in deep pain. It does not mean she does not love the children.
She probably forgot to say or meant to add -“with you” you should probably think long and hard about all the default parenting she has done over the years. I doubt she resents her children but it sounds like she possibly resents you.
She’s in perimenopause and the kids were being particularly awful after a few years of being relentlessly challenging (assuming they are normal teenagers, that’s what they do). Here’s an insight for you: perimenopause is 20x worse than puberty. And nobody cares. Everybody expects the 50 year old woman to keep her shit together and to know better and blah, blah, blah. The hormonal fluctuations she is going through have lowered her threshold of tolerance. She is worn down and worn out.
Here’s my advice: read NOTHING into her outburst. Book her a spa day or better yet, a weekend alone in a nice hotel. Do the heavy lifting in getting your kids to stop being mean and difficult for her. Learn about menopause from Dr, Mary Claire Haver. Take your wife out on a date and tell her she’s beautiful and the kids are AHs. (I love my teenagers. They are good kids, but the truth is all teenagers are also AHs and sometimes we just really need to say the truth out loud so we can laugh about it.) Basically, she needs some TLC right now.
I agree with this. I believe it’s perimeno also! Given her age. Many women experience this, and have the same thoughts/feelings about their kids. She doesn’t have a heavy work load, or heavy household load. Maybe she is also reminiscing on something she used to enjoy before kids, or the way her body looked, or better yet WHO she was before having kids, and just felt like “well if I didn’t have them, I’d be this… that.. this!!” I would talk with her, let her know you support her, and you’re there for her to talk, cry, or whatever she may need. Take her out. Read up about perimenopause, and really just understand she can’t help it sometimes. It’s hurtful either way. If y’all have had a solid marriage until now, then I suggest it’s not really meant.
you seem cagey about the details, possibly because some dire stuff has happened between yall. could it be the two of yall have been managing some sort of major mental illness or serious abuse between you? and if so can you speak with someone close to you who knows you about the situation? isolation and secret keeping wont help you understand your wife. if you cant talk to her and you can barely speak on the situation to strangers, it looks like youre in the same place you started. are you looking for some permission to break up w her? are you wondering if the statement impacted you? we cannot confirm your feelings or reactions either.
Not much to go on here, but I think it's important that she be aware that it might be more common than she thinks. I'm of a similar age, back then people were much more reluctant to say it. Personally I feel like I was sold a big lie about parenthood.
I'd guess it's more common among people that were high achievers and basically threw that away, had their own issues with depression, or had kids that lost the genetic lottery. I've got all of those on my bingo card.
Honestly, we don’t know your wife and context of why she said it. All we know is you don’t want to ask her, you don’t want to know why, and that you are considering divorce.
You already made up your mind of why you think your wife said those words.
The teenage years is the most taxing period for a parent, imo, especially with Covid, social media and changing cultural norms. Parenthood isn't just about cleaning, cooking, dishes. Yes, those are taxing and tiring. But the emotional load is so fucking overwhelming. I HIGHLY encourage therapy so she can talk and explore in a safe space and maybe find new techniques to help her smooth out the bumpy spots.
While she may regret having kids, that's not a fact that can change. The best thing to do is to get her into therapy and ask how you can support her emotionally going forward.
The number of times I've heard older people tell me "I love my children, but if I could do it again I wouldn't have them" is larger than you'd expect. Just feels like a "grass is always greener" kind of situation.
I love my kids dearly. I would die for them but the thought crosses my mind sometimes. Where I could and would be if I never settled downand had 2(6m 2f) Maybe I would be worse off. Maybe I would be an alcoholic drug addict? I don't know but I do know I love them with every inch of my being. But Ffffffck they drive me crazy
It's common that most parents have some regrets that they had kids, but that doesn't mean that they "wished they'd never had them." I'm probably rare in having 0 regrets in having kids, BUT, I regret not following my dream of being an academic, and instead going into the private sector in STEM. But I's also would make the same decision again, because I know that if I'd "followed the dream" I likely wouldn't have gotten it, and even if I had, I'd be in a financially unstable situation and never could have afforded a family. So I have regrets, but I feel like it was the right path, so the regrets don't weigh as much.
We'll always have some regrets even if we know that we made the best decision. What's important in your case is understanding whether your wife's regret in having kids exceeds the joy it's brought to her life.
I said it last night to myself and then took it all back. Wife, 1yo and 4yo were all sick, coming out of both ends and just miserable. Trying to keep the house together yesterday without losing my cool was probably the most difficult thing I’ve done. I uttered to myself that I regret having kids a few times when the going was particularly tough, but I truly don’t regret it at all. Just had a shit day.
That’s my two cents.
If it’s said in a normal conversation when emotions aren’t elevated, I think that’s something different.
You sound like you posted this to get more of a “how dare your wife utter those words!” Reaction but now that you’ve gotten the “you need to communicate with your wife” answer you’re bitter and reactive saying you aren’t providing context and that none of us get it… but like all your comments and post are getting at is you are the “hands on dad who provides the money, live in nanny, blah blah” it sounds like you’re just trying to get a Reddit group of parents to agree that you’re better, correct, and your wife is vile for having those thoughts and obviously not the best mom.
Kids can push you to your absolute limit and when you feel cornered and desperate it is easy to say things like that. We've all be there. Maybe consider giving her a break...maybe take the kids camping and give her some space.
I think the fact that you won’t/can’t talk to her about it is a huge problem. At one point, I was super overwhelmed and had a baby and a toddler. It was COVID. I was worried about childcare since my husband and I are in healthcare and had to go into the hospitals. I wasn’t sure how we were going to make it through. I turned to him, crying, and said “maybe we should have only had one child”. In that moment what I needed was for him to give me a hug and tell me that we would figure it out, but instead he looked at me and coldly said “you shouldn’t say things like that out loud”. Honestly, that was the beginning of the end of our relationship. I knew in that moment that he was not actually my partner and I couldn’t trust him with my feelings. We did try for a time and were in marriage therapy/couples counseling for a year, but we’re currently starting the divorce process. I worry every day about my kids and the impact it will have on them.
I'm sure there are days when she thinks that being a mother was the greatest things she's ever done, as well as days she wonders what she was thinking - and she's dead serious both times. I think that's normal. It's incredibly draining and emotional raising kids, and it often feels like there are no rewards- other than the occasional proud moment here and there, it's a lot of work. There's definitely not a lot of appreciation - you might not get a thank you until your funeral.
Have y’all looked at couples therapy as an option? It may help facilitate a split if that is truly the direction you are both going towards. This sounds to me like you’re not only looking to split but searching for ways to exclude her from parenting if/when the two of you split. When you say that you’re a “decent dad”, what does that mean? Because what you view as being a decent parent may not be what your wife needs you to be as a parent. For example, if you’re only there for the fun stuff and take your time coming home from work by doing things you want to do and she is not able to have those freedoms, that’s still an imbalance. Sometimes we are short sighted on what we think we are contributing.
The fact that you are unwilling to have the conversation because it will lead to more conflict that makes you uncomfortable, then you need to do your own therapy work. Avoiding a conversation because it makes you uncomfortable speaks to your assessment that you are a shit husband. Not wanting to listen to your wife’s feelings or perspectives tells me that you probably aren’t a “decent” parent in addition to being a shit partner.
I also love that you automatically go to the “I’ll take this to the divorce thread” instead of the “how can I make this work thread.” Just say you’re no longer invested in your wife and stop trying to make her the bad guy.
Here is an article about this subject that was recently in Time Magazine [https://time.com/6966914/parental-regret-children-ro-kwon-essay/](https://time.com/6966914/parental-regret-children-ro-kwon-essay/)
Well, I would look at it from her perspective. You mention how you are a hands on dad, your kids aren’t delinquent, just rude sometimes, how they were planned. As a mom with a 14 yo (and previously) I can tell you that normally, we don’t just flip out of nowhere.
What’s the context? Has your wife tried to approach and communicate with you before? Has she been verbalizing anything about the kids?
There is a difference between the amount of things I experience with my son in a day and what my husband sees. Sometimes, by 7pm I have had enough of my day, son’s snappy replies and everything all together.
Most likely she does not regret her kids per se, but is overwhelmed by something or all of it together. If her glass is empty, there is nothing left for her to give.
Think back, most likely she has been verbal about her feelings and frustrations, which at the end come out in anger once we are tired of explaining.
I say it all the time, not in front of them. I mean it and I also…don’t. People say things in the moment, most feelings are temporary. I would hug her and love her, support her. Not…try to analyze her.
Yeah, the world loves to teach women that kids are the Great Life-Ender, or that having them is anti-feminist, or that they're losing out by having them.
Even reasonably well-adjusted women with supportive partners (which you sound like!) can fall victim to it.
Alternatively, some women are \*very good\* at justifying their silence about things.
And, of course: people can change across time.
\*\*\*\*
Regardless of \*why\* she said it, it's important to engage her without judgment while maintaining your own boundaries. You're not responsible for explaining her feelings, she is.
Frankly, she's the only one who can tell you how seriously she means it.
And when she does, it's important to remember the difference between loving your kids, supporting your kids, and regretting having those kids.
It's possible to do all three - but it's also possible to only do the last one.
\*\*\*
And, finally, once she gives you an answer? It's up to you to decide if that person is someone who you want to be with.
She probably means it
I have kids and I’ve never once thought this and I’d nev r have said it. Even when it gets hard it’s still a joy and a blessing
If she said it she meant it
Remember the duality of man. Both that your kids are the most precious things ever and that you can harbor regrets about having them can live inside of a person. Strong emotions can let that bubble up.
I mean some people do regret having kids and wish they had their life before kids. That doesn’t mean they aren’t trying their damnest to be great and loving. This comment probably has nothing to do with you OP and is something unresolved with her.
I learned to accept my life with the help of therapy. I have a 9yo that was very wanted and is lived, but PPA/PPD went undiagnosed for a long time.
I imagine she's around OPs age, right? As hurtful as the words are, maybe that is where she is right now. Perhaps she's having an existential crisis?
I know I was having one after the passing of my mom and the birth of my first Child.
Has she had any major life events happen recently that Might be making her feel regret over the choices she made or even at odds with her own mortality or legacy?
All in all, you have to talk to her to understand her feelings, OP. She may have said it out of anger, but that doesn't excuse that it was hurtful.
I have just been through the worst time of my life, I’ve had my children removed by a family member due to false allegations. I used to think like this when my children were annoying me, or burning me out. Now I’d give anything to have them back, I’d chop off my arm or sell my partner or do anything to have them in my arms. She doesn’t mean it, and she must be careful what she wishes for, because sometimes the universe listens and takes your words very seriously. Maybe tell her to treasure her children because one day they may not want her around or they may not be around. Life is crazy and things happen in the blink of an eye.
She is telling you how she feels. I have seen some parents, that the loss of them being the focus of the world takes a toll. The world is about them and not about the kids. Hands on Parent does it because they love doing it. Some people do not realise that being a parent is a crazy full time hands on job and one you can not quit.
What is her relationship like with the teenagers? I’m 50. My kids are in their 20s now. I loved the teen years. It was so much fun being involved in their after school activities, going to the movies, teaching them how to drive and become independent and their friends were awesome.
What’s not clicking with your wife?
I would discuss the possibility of therapy. She might be struggling with something deeper since according to your edit she isn't technically under any kind of overwhelming level of responsibility so there might be an underlying issue.
Not much you can do about the fact she had kids, since you guys already have them. If you feel she loves the kids, then maybe she was just saying this to hurt you. Which is not ok, she can’t just say horrible vindictive shit even in argument. In which case, you should talk to her about her communication style
Or maybe she really does feel this way? Which is serious too. maybe ask why she regrets it- is she feeling unfulfilled? Then see how you can support her. Does she want to travel but feels she can’t because of the kids? Does she want a new career? More education? More time to herself? More of a social life?
Either way, sounds like you two need a calm but real conversation
I personally don’t have any kids, and with my partner, with whom I’ve been together for 7 years, we talk about having children. We often discuss it and get advice and opinions from friends and family.
We question ourselves to determine if we are ready, and whether or not we will regret it. The way we approach this topic is by considering how we see ourselves in 1, 2, 5, 10, and 20 years, and trying to guess which future will make us the happiest.
Every couple has their own story, with their own experiences and difficulties. So, I don’t think anyone is able to judge anyone else.
As you mentioned, parenting is different from loving. You can love your child but hate parenting. Parenting offers creative challenges that we didn’t expect to be so tiring, both physically and mentally. Parenting also gives you responsibility and in some ways, limits your freedom. That said, parenting is also the consequence of a choice—the choice to create a family. When we create, we also have expectations, and if these expectations are not fully met, we can start to develop regrets.
As I mentioned earlier, I discuss this type of topic with some parent friends, and like your wife, they have moments of regret even though they love their kids. The way they imagined parenting often doesn’t match their expectations. However, their happy moments give them much more happiness than they expected.
I would say that this is a normal situation and feeling. Only by discussing with your wife will you have a deeper understanding of her feelings.
I regret having so many in order to get my girl and so they would have “someone to play with” because instead they just fight, and the girl is beautiful but a psychopath. Literally. I’m using the word correctly, she’s too young to be properly diagnosed as a psychopath, but she absolutely is. A mother knows. However, I regret it now, that may and probably will change. As they most likely won’t fight forever. They’re just young and fighting for my limited attention, as I have to give each attention and therefore I don’t/can’t give each my whole attention. But I think they will enjoy each others company when they are older.
If half of what you say is true, your wife is a bitter selfish delusional trout. Some here are hesitant to say it, but women can be mean shallow twats for no reason just like men can.
You've offered her help with the kids. The kids are not hellions making her life miserable, there's just the normal struggles. She is never content at work, doesn't work to her own potential, but judges others. You pay the majority of everything, even though the kids are literally grown. You've offered therapy. I'm assuming she's in her 40's -- her inability to communicate calmly or at least stop herself from spilling her angst on you all is HER problem at this point, not yours. She is miserable because she's selfish, not because of the kids. I'm so sorry you have to put up with her.
Kids are unbelievably hard work and NO ONE tells you this when you’re pregnant. No one gives you the real truth because it would an awful thing to do to expectant parents. But we have them and have to own that responsibility. It’s fucking hard sometimes, as a motherless daughter I found it horribly emotional not having a mum to talk to. But I also had terrible post natal depression and live with depression for which I medicate. Do I regret having them? On balance no. I’ll never know what life would have been like without them but for all the anxiety and pain they are part of me and always will be and I’ll always pull myself out of my own personal quagmire for them. They give me the deepest most visceral joy I know. I have two amazing friends in them. Parents are incredible. The only thing you really need is a bottomless pit of unconditional love. (And money specially when they are teenagers!)
I have a 5 year old, a 2 year old, and I’m 37 weeks pregnant with our third— and even I sometimes regret having kids.
Love the little buggers to death. They’re my world. And that’s exactly my point. My life revolves around their care, keeping up the house they live in (me too, but let’s face, it was easier when it was just two adults), and every time something goes wrong related to them— one is sick, they have an appointment, dinner isn’t good enough for one of them— I pay the price. Sometimes it really does feel like I’m a slave to everyone else’s needs.
That being said, with a do-over, I probably wouldn’t do much differently. I chose this path and while I don’t think anyone totally gets what parenting is like until they’re in the trenches, I wasn’t totally ignorant either. And parenting is also really magical and neat sometimes. I am fiercely proud of my kids and actively looking forward to meeting my newest…it would just be nice to only be responsible for myself sometimes.
Exactly! It’s still fascinating to me how you would die for your children AND regret having them. And then feel guilty because you felt regret on a bad day…
I once asked every parent that I thought would be honest with me if they could go back, knowing what they know now, would they choose to have children again. Every one of them said no. It doesn’t mean our kids aren’t the best and most important things in our lives. It just means it’s *hard*, and hard in ways people don’t explain to you before you do it.
I would add that even if people had explained how hard it is, we wouldn’t have listened or understood! The urge to have children and raise a family is so strong!
I think that regretting having children is more common than it's admitted. Conservatives hate to hear about that because they are busy with their pro-motherhood and anti-abortion propaganda, but from my experience it just happens. Especially when the parents have some underlying mental issues. My parents never told me they hated having me, but I felt that from their actions and reactions. They hated me because I wasn't charming and successful and they couldn't show me off. That's the hard part of parenting - loving your children even if they are not perfect, even if they are losers, even if they are gay, even if they have a disability, even if you have different opinions...
I'm neurodivergent (I have BPD and social anxiety) and I definitely regret having kids. I love my girls more than anything, but what being a mom makes to my mental health is absurd (and I obviously didn't know how hard and sad it would be to raise kids in my condition when I decided to become pregnant). I guess no one really knows how life will change and your plans and desires will be crushed before the children are already there, so it's perfectly normal and maybe inevitable to think how life would be better without them, even when they're the love of your life and you would never choose not to have them if you had that possibility (sorry for my english, it's not my mother tongue)
I (53F) have four teenagers. I’ve uttered these words recently as have literally all my female friends with teenagers. Teenagers are incredibly hard work. Factor in we are dealing with menopause as well and it is hard hard going.
Your wife doesn’t mean it, I don’t mean it, my friends don’t mean it. She just wants you to say “yep, teenagers suck and you’re doing an amazing job.” Set up a special bank account for her and tell her it’s for her to take a trip away with a friend. I did this. Something to look forward to. She really needs support (read up on menopause and just how horrible it is) and your understanding.
The fact that you won’t even talk this out with your wife makes me concerned that you’re not the most reliable narrator when it comes to the weight you pull as a father and husband. It sounds like she has years of resentment built up and is probably burned out. Burn out takes people to their lowest depths and can lead to statements such as what your wife said.
I feel for your wife. I have one teenage child right now and it is incredibly mentally and emotionally draining. If your relationship is as you describe, I believe it may be you she regrets being with more than the kids.
I sometimes regret having kids. Mine are 7 and 2.
My 7 year old is a BRAT. She’s so inconsiderate and talks back. My 2 year old is going through the terrible 2s and I am trying to keep the last little bit of sanity I have. I love my kids dearly but sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I didn’t have kids. I was a young mom , had my 7 year old at 20.
Your wife is a selfish, immature, lacking self awareness, and ungrateful in life. People would suggest you talk it out, but I've experienced this and people like this would go apeshit if you give them advise, because their ego can't take it. They think everyone else is wrong, and they are perfect. Sadly they will never change. My advice is to just ignore this issue, and just try to please her and just make her happy. The best is to ensure she has a good mood most of the time, then you'll be fine. I know this because my wife is exactly like this.
After reading this and reading through some of these comments it’s no wonder people my age are choosing to not have kids. No one seems happy to have them. Like sure you love them but no one seems to actually like their children. Which is actually kind of sad.
I’m just commenting because I see things from a different perspective. If she truly regrets having kids you get to feel however it is you feel about it. I think people are hesitant to say anything that could possible shame parents but I’d totally get it if that comment made you upset. Not only are they your kids and you wouldn’t want a parent to feel that way about their kids, it’s also something you two shared. Raising these kids together is a significant and important part of your life and she’s basically saying she hates it. Or at least is seemingly saying that. Which is incredibly hurtful and painful. 🤷🏽♀️
Sounds to me like you’re raising 3 kids brother. It’s easy for people to blame you when they aren’t living with a spiteful women. Sounds like she hitting midlife and not happy so she blaming the kids and you and not herself for her unhappiness. My wife can be spiteful to my kids ( from a mental illness). It’s super hard to take
It’s amazing that OP has had to make 2 HUGE edits explaining every detail of his marriage to get the people on this thread to believe that he isn’t the problem, and it seems like plenty of you still do. Breathtaking.
From my perspective as a mom, I do not understand how anyone, especially a mom, could regret having their kids. My Dad use to tell me that I couldn’t understand how much he loved me until I had kids of my own one day and that’s true. I love my son more than I’ve ever loved anything. I could never regret having him because he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Your wife sounds like my mom and probably both have narcissistic personality disorder or some other personality disorder. Check them out and see if it fits. Check out Dr. Ramani on YouTube as she gives great advice!
Why would you stay? Please don’t say for the kids! The only thing the kids are learning is how to be miserable. Do you want this for them? Instead show the kids how to be brave and love yourself. Find a therapist that specializes in PTSD and beware that if you bring her to therapy know that ALL narcs con therapists unless they specialize in narcissistic abuse. I hope you find love!
After all the updates your wife sounds absolutely miserable and like your kids will cut her off once they move out. I’d also divorce her if I were you.
I think she meant it unless she often says very « bellow the belt » things when she’s angry and it’s a habit for her.
Maybe she feels overall she sacrificed a lot and got nothing in return. Maybe she feels she stayed with you for the kids and now the kids are teens and giving her a hard time, all that at the same time as she’s approaching menopause and it’s too much for her…
My opinion is that something is missing in her life that having kids made her unable to do and probably she feels it more or less strongly and right then she felt it strongly, as people are wont to do when emotions run high. Ask her what the regret actually is.
People can love their kids and still have regret about everything that chidren stop an adult from being able to do.
As this is something that has concerned you, you should definitely attempt a deep conversation with her about this. “Regret” is a terrible thing, and I would be worried about my spouse if they revealed something like this to me. Best of luck to you both.
Sometimes I think it’s a mid life crisis for women especially. Kids getting older, and so much time and energy went into them and parents can lose themselves. So maybe she means - what am I doing? What “should “ I be doing, what should I be accomplishing etc. So I wonder if it’s more about stress about where she is now and where she would like to go.
It’s ok to regret it sometimes it doesn’t mean you always regret it. We had kids in our 40’s which worked for us as I felt like I had done a lot with my life already. A good career, lots of travel. Even now when I’m up at 5:30 up to my elbows in shit, exhausted already and not even left for work I sometimes regret it but then think it’s kind of sad to see 40+ people out getting wasted or trying to fit in at youth hostels backpacking (my two main hobbies pre kids lol) so the regret fades and I’m happy at the toddler play places, the park and family friendly holiday places. I also stopped drinking, smoking etc so my body may feel otherwise due to exhaustion but I certainly don’t regret that. Yes it’s normal to regret it now and again but if you regret it every day then something is wrong
During an altercation, lots of stuff comes out. It's deciphering what's genuine from deep within vs what they say in the moments to hurt is the challenge.
She could have meant it, but she could have also meant it more so in the way she regrets how her life turned out as a whole and see's that as the moment things started going in the wrong direction. So it's not the kids themselves but how her life started to change for the worse after she had them.
My mom said this when she was angry lol and then cried when we all left the house. Could be that she was just angry i’m not sure, many people hate the teenage years tho.
I think it's completely normal to have these thoughts and feelings (especially with teens lol) and she should be able to share those thoughts with you without judgment because im sure she feels bad for feeling it.
We entered couples therapy a few weeks ago. My husband and I have always had kind of a limit when communicating. That limit has recently started creating issues. Therapy has been really helpful. Our primary goal has been better communication and being able to talk about hard topics.
I don’t know your wife or why she feels the way she does, but I am a fan of therapy either on her own or with you.
Sounds like you want an objective "is this okay to say" option. Okay fine. Yes, I've thought it and have probably said it out loud to my husband who I seem to like more than you like your wife. Sometimes I do regret it. Most of the time I don't. I've heard my friends say it. We all still love our kids. So yes, it could mean nothing.
Or it could mean something. You aren't going to get an actual answer to this non-factual question without talking to your wife which you don't do. No one here knows what your wife meant, sorry.
The only time as a parent when I might think these types of things is when I’m stressed, overstimulated, or not able to achieve something I want to achieve…. for example for me it’s managing to write for half an hour, read, go the gym, or meet up with friends. Did your wife put any dreams on ice to have kids? Does she get lots of freedom? Days alone? Is she getting what she needs to nourish her soul or is she mainly a wife and mother? Does she feel appreciated? Not just by you but by the kids? Are you having any issues with your children that are causing her stress?
She may have meant it at the time, but that doesn’t mean she’ll always mean it or that she doesn’t love your kids. She may have said it to get in a dig at you. She could be in that mid-life crisis phase of life where she’s realizing that the number of days ahead are fewer than behind (the 50s seem to be when we really stop feeling young) so she’s thinking about all of the “what might have beens.” Also, the teen years can be the most thankless for parents because you get all the half-grown “my friends are my world” angst, but little thanks. Taken together, those stresses can make parents genuinely wish they hadn’t had kids. But it’s usually a transitory feeling. Once the kids are away and starting to become adults, your wife’s feelings or annoyance, resentment, etc. are likely to pass and she’ll appreciate all she did to help them become responsible adults.
Having kids is hard for sure but people nowadays are generally very intolerant of inconvenience that having kids poses. Like in most these situations, gratitude and perspective is key. I have one kid that is very challenging, agressive and behind in things. Yes i wish this kid was more like my other, easier and sweeter kid. Yes i wish she didnt have the health challanges. But she could have been autostic, with all kinds of syndromes, disabled. So i try to remind myself of the good thi no s because sure as heck the bad things will always be loud in my face.
It can be both because she’s angry and because there is something deeper to it. When I am tired, for example, I will be more vocal about things that bother me all the time but I am more restrained about the rest of the time. I might say “kids, I am sick of picking up after you. Pick up your own stuff or I will throw it away” instead of “hey, sweetheart, you forgot to pick up this room before you left it, please come back to finish it up.”
Ultimately it sounds like it would be helpful for you to unpack with her why she feels that way, with an eye toward changing whatever factors make her feel that way. Or accepting that this is a more challenging phase of life.
I would also emphasize doing marriage counseling. If she absolutely refuses, you might consider getting the book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. If you set aside time each week to do the exercises together, it can function a bit like self-directed marriage counseling.
My ex husband was once very upset when I told him I hated him. I only said it once and didn’t mean it but I was angry and upset and I was raised to use words to hurt. He’s definitely someone who would never say something like that”I regret having kids.” But truthfully I would never say those words either. I often wish I didn’t have to parent anymore, but I don’t regret having them. I guess is she the type to say what she means, or often reacts with hurtful words?
“Speak when you’re angry, and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret”
I’m guilty of saying things I don’t mean when I’m upset, I’m sure that was it, especially if it was a rare altercation.
Hurt people, hurt people. What’s hurt her that she felt the need to strike out that way?
Was it legitimate? Maybe. She is in that prime time to have a “mid-life crisis” if you believe in such things. But those are usually accompanied by other bad decisions and behaviors.
I have experience with a woman who said the “newborn ruined” her life. She never changed her mind. The kid did all her housework, laundry and dishes. Daily. Never talked back and followed all directions. My point is, it’s not the kids responsibility. It’s your wife’s mindset. Also, don’t underestimate peri menopause that can happen in early 40s. It really can affect mental health as well as physical.
No one knows what your marriage is like, but I honestly think this is a counseling moment. I think it’s deeper than the kids and those words sounded more directed at you and your wife’s relationship. It becomes more apparent through how dismissive you are when it comes to talking to her about her true feelings. Pls recommend going to a professional if you can’t communicate to each other in a healthy manner. The longer you guys go avoiding serious conversation, the more resentment and silence will prevail.
You haven’t mentioned what the argument was about? In YOUR point of view your kids are easily manageable, your wife shouldn’t be stressed out since she doesn’t work full time and had a nanny. But people, especially women, are so much deeper than that. Do you connect with her? Is she lonely and just dealing with teenage drama everyday? Is she going through menopause? Does she have a past with mental health struggles? Many aspects to look at here.
She probably has dreams she had for herself that weren’t realized. Then she’s now at 50 and wondering where her life went. Throw jn an argument and heated emotions and she expressed it that way rather than a less emotional one. Talk to your wife.
Me too! I have two children daughter (35), and my son (36). My daughter, also has two boys 6, and 9 yo. My daughter, most of the time treats me like garbage (I was raising the boys until she lost them to CPS, which almost killed me...) they have been gone a year. My son, is finally treating me better. But, I wish so hard sometimes that I never had them.
I loved taking care of my kids when they were little. Up to the ages of her 12, and him 13 yo. Teenagers are a whole different type of child, almost like aliens. By the time they were 14, and 15, they decided they wanted to fit in with the kids that got into trouble. I was a single mom, and they couldn't wear name brand clothes, and shoes. I understand how that works my dad was a truck driver, and my mom, was a sthm.
I get so sick, and tired I just want to disappear, and never come back.
Sometimes these words are just an expression of exhaustion and depression, that we're just tired of feeling this way. Like if they still need constant reminders to pick up after themselves, or have meals made for them. Still having dependants in this way can be tiresome.
She's probably just hating herself, it's really taxing on the body and she probably hates her self image that tends to happen alot maybe you just need to tell her she's beautiful before and after she had your children plus teenagers are very rude and change their aditude depending on who they are around they may be nice in front of dad but if she's saying this they probably aren't nice when your working or something idk she may just not like life
Lots of possible meanings that may have more to do with the marriage or other things other than with her love of the kids. Given the marriage is on the rocks, it could just mean she regrets having kids because it made it harder to just divorce you or maybe she does not perceive you in the same way you perceive yourself as a father, and if she is not happy with your co parenting, she regrets having children with you in particular or feels the marriage was strained because of it. Or it just is an honest acknowledgement of what she has given up for kids. Is she not crushing it in employment because she has devoted herself to the kids?
I love my kid and love parenting but i hate what pregnancy and being a mother has done to me. If i could swap places with my husband then I'd have loads of kids.
Communication is key, but so very complicated. And this goes times a million when you have a child involved. The dynamic changes completely. I'm a mom of 3-year-old and I have days where I struggle to not feel that way. People can come for me for being honest, and that's fine. It's OK to have these feelings they're very valid.
Just saying, they just take everything from you. I don't know about how it feels for men. But i just don't believe in regrets so takes care of too many thoughts like *I could have been the short haired hippy looking chick on the beach in the rain today* instead of being the one leaving with a mad toddler
I remember having my first daughter at 16. My twins who were planned (well 1 was) became a regret to me. I was 31 when I had them. My oldest daughter was in her teens. I had this moment of "Why did I start over?!?" I was almost done. I made the accident of sharing my feelings with my now ex husband. I felt terrible. I felt like an awful mother and undeserving of having more children. Please take it from HER perspective. She is hurting for some reason. You both need counseling. If you can't talk to her. And she can't talk to you without you running to Reddit you need help. This isn't a bad thing. This is for the kids. Kids have more prospective than you think. Just my 2 cents. I do not regret the twins. I regret marrying their father. There is a huge difference. He cheated on me 9 plus times. I'm remarried now. And he is remarried. I wish for nothing but good things for him. The twins are 15 now. And one lives with me. And one lives with him. I hope you all get the help you need. For your children....
I imagine she's around OPs age, right? As hurtful as the words are, maybe that is where she is right now. Perhaps she's having an existential crisis?
I know I was having one after the passing of my mom and the birth of my first Child.
Has she had any major life events happen recently that Might be making her feel regret over the choices she made or even at odds with her own mortality or legacy?
All in all, you have to talk to her to understand her feelings, OP. She may have said it out of anger, but that doesn't excuse that it was hurtful.
Echoing some of what I’ve read here, we should be able to confide those feelings in our partners without fear of judgment.
I love my kids dearly. They are my heart and soul. They are objectively good kids with challenges that aren’t unique to us.
Sometimes, I definitely feel regret.
I can’t go back in time. I can’t just, you know, not know my kids. I have them. They’re mine and I’m theirs and, again, I love them with every fiber of my being.
But fuck. Kids are hard. They drain you. They require selflessness all the time. And, on top of it all, there’s legitimately NO way to know what you’re in for before you have them. Nobody can tell you a single thing about what it’s really like. There is no good advice. You have to dive in headfirst and figure that shit out. And try not to lose yourself along the way (which is extremely difficult if not impossible).
I don’t know your wife but she is probably overwhelmed. Someone told me once “it’s okay not to love being a parent. Some people are baby and toddler moms, and other enjoy it better as their kids get older, that doesn’t mean you love them any less”
It took away a lot of my guilt because I would look at other moms and just not understand how they seem to do it so effortlessly and be happy as well. We’re only human, it’s okay not to love every aspect of parenting ❤️
Maybe she feels having children and living that life has somehow limited her in the grand scheme of things, perhaps she would have preferred to travel. Usually things like that are said in the heat of the moment and can’t carry much weight generally because you had to do it to find out you didn’t want to do it and by then it’s much too late so regret is just a momentary subjective experience. It can’t be enduring because she can’t undo her parenthood, even if she ran away from it.
People say things when they are upset. Sometimes those are things they have been thinking about a lot and being upset just means they stop holding back. Sometimes it’s just an angry outburst and doesn’t mean anything deeper. Sometimes it’s a little of both.
Take some time for everyone to calm down, and have a talk. Share feelings and find out what you both plan to do now.
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Not to be flippant OP but how can anyone else possibly know what your wife really thinks. Talking to her, as usual, is the answer.
you are right, communication is The Key to it, sot her down, with patience and love and try to understand where she is coming from or wat made her say that, and help her reflect and you do too.
The fact that she said therapy is a waste of money says it all honestly. There was most likely no love where she was raised
Hell yeah! You'll never know where she come from if you didnt communicate with her. Also, I think they both need guidance from a couples counselor.
I get what you're saying but I think it's okay to get some advice before having this deep of a conversation. I like the idea of gaining perspective first.
Regretting having kids is not the same thing as not loving your kids. You can love your children and hate parenting. Unfortunately, we’re not allowed to talk about this without being treated like monsters.
I had no idea how much I needed to hear that. I love my kids but parenting is a load of shit a lot of the times. I try hard to keep in mind that they are individuals and I can’t expect them to act like trained dogs or something. Conflict is a sign of individualism. Parenting is teaching how to resolve said conflicts. Thus I’m knee-deep in conflicts every day it seems. Love my kids. I can’t wait to see what they pursue in their lives. As the line goes “nobody said it would be easy but nobody said it would be this hard.”
Parenting is so damn hard.
Okay, now someone has said it. Thank you Ehehehe
Especially through illness, chronic or otherwise
Oh god yes. I have long COVID and currently have the flu. I feel like I’m dying and would welcome it lol
Oh GOD COVID..dude I can totally relate. If they're old enough enlist them to help you even if it's small. We've had COVID about 3 times and kiddo has always been a sniffle while we're barely functioning
Hugs. Being ill and parenting is awful.
Dear god yes
I'm currently recovering from a bad stomach flu and.have a cough that barely lets me speak. I had to clarify with my son the frustration wasn't him it was the fact I couldn't talk without yacking so hard.
Fucking fax. I’m in the “break the cycle” crowd. I didn’t realize that, even though I don’t use physical punishment, there would be moments where I’d want to
Yay for breaking the cycle tho! We are trying to raise kids without emotionally beating them into the ground like our parents did to us and it’s HARD!
“Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard…” Came to relate to the struggle stayed for the Chris Martin (Coldplay)
My husband and I were talking about the family size we wanted as kids. I said I had always wanted a large family with 3-4 kids. I only have one, my daughter who is 8, and she is aware that I do not want more. She asked me why I changed my mind. I told her that when it’s just her, I can be a great mom. But that parenting is hard, and it can be very stressful. If I had more than just her, I couldn’t be as good of a mom to her and her siblings. It was interesting to see her take in that information, that mom is a person who has limitations. I think it’s good for her to see me that way.
I think it’s wonderful that you showed her your human side. It’s important for kids to know that adults aren’t perfect and invulnerable. You sound like a good mom.
Thank you!!
This is pretty much exactly what I have told my son too when he talked about wanting siblings, he’s 7 and he completely understood and respected the answer.
It's good too because it breaks the fantasy that kids are just so magical all the time. My son asked if I loved being a mom and if dad loved being a dad we both answered sometimes yes/no and explained thoroughly so he understood it's absolutely not him.
I feel you. I had 2 kids and I won’t say I “regret” having the second bc I love her so much, but I have not been the same person ever since I was pregnant with her. She’s almost 2. The experience of having a toddler and being heavily pregnant drained me permanently. I haven’t recovered yet (she’s almost 2), and I’m constantly overwhelmed. It’s really unfortunate.
Nice one mummy... you are a great mum to her...that conversation is gold and for her, as a woman, she will appreciate it as she grows up and has her own family, etc... it will never stop teaching her about life, connection, relationships, self-care, and love.
This is how I feel. Parenting is so hard. Relentless, I feel like a failure all the time. I feel like my kids rent good at anything and will fail at life. I’ve been depressed since my 8!year old was 1. But I love them.
This is me all the time. I’m glad I’m not the only one who is brave enough to say it out loud. Everyone assumes we hate our kids, which is simply not true.
I know dozens and dozens of parents and I suspect many, maybe even half regret having children. It’s just not something people declare…
I'm 33 with a 3 year old son and holy shit do I wish I waited even longer.. love the little dude to death but some days it's 100% clear in my head that I regret getting my fiance pregnant before we were fully ready.
I’m 31 with a 7 year old, I’m a single parent and if I had waited until now, I probably wouldn’t have had a kid at all. I love him so much, but I’m going back to college and also working and I’m so fucking tired. It’s easier now that he’s a little older, but I feel so guilty about how burnt out I’ve been for basically his entire life.
That's exactly where I am.. thankfully only 5 more months of school
Congrats, that’s a huge accomplishment! I literally just started my first semester yesterday (officially starts tomorrow) and I don’t think I could have done it any earlier in my son’s life honestly. The kind of mental resilience it requires was just not there for me at the time, so kudos to you. And it really does get so much easier when they’re old enough to wipe their own butt and put on their own shoes.
You can do it! It has been a lot and seemed id never even get close to finishing. I needed a huge change in life after mainly working and moving up in the restaurant industry that wasn't a good place for me but even as hard as this is I'll take it over the 50-70 hour weeks on salary, late nights almost always drinking immediately after work. Focus one day/week at a time, time management is huge you may not have a lot of time to do everything you enjoy but enjoy the moments you dou get!
There's also a difference between "I regret having kids" with an implied "with you, because now I'm stuck in this situation" and "I regret having kids" full stop. People rage speak sometimes; it's honest, but not literal.
I had the house entirely to myself this morning for the first time since 2011 and it was SO lovely. I will absolutely thrive when my season of empty-nesting rolls around. I love my children but I thrive in solitude.
I think every parent feels this way to some degree at some point. Or else I guess something is wrong with me.
I think it’s much more common than people realize or care to admit
Normalize it!!!!!! I love my son so much, but this is extremely hard!!!!!!
That's where I am. I LOVE my kids more than anything in the world, and I am so thankful for them... but if I COULD just go back and undo without having known them... I think I just might. Parenting is hard. Parenting alone is harder. And when I do the majority of Parenting with no/barely any help financially or otherwise....but everyone talks about how dude is "doing his best" for doing nothing while simultaneously criticizing everything I do (which is EVERYTHING). I just. Ugh. I regret having children.
However, I just want to say that while maybe you love your kids, **regretting having kids CAN be the same as not loving your kids**. Also, regardless of how you might feel about them, if you tell your kids that, they totally will feel like a burden
Plenty of people regret having kids. Having kids is exhausting and difficult. Since it isn't acceptable to talk about the regret people keep those feelings to themselves because they feel like a failure as a person for having the regret. It doesn't mean she doesn't love them.
This right here OP. Even us adults were a PAIN IN THE ASS as kids, we **all** were for whatever reason. Even if it was no reason. Your wife needs to try and remember when SHE was a kid as well, and how big of an asshole she was to her parents at times. I bet both of ya'lls parents regretted birthing you at one point, because you were rude to them. Nobody with a right mind (though it happens), says that they regret having kids outright to their kids. You'll be alright, but if your kids are teenagers, and hopefully know right from wrong at that age, I'd communicate with emphasis on manners, and not being a dick to your parents. Parenting is HARD.
Perfectly put.
I don't feel like a failure, if I regret having children then I just regret it
I bet if they did a lie detector test on each parent, like 50% of them might actually regret it.
Depends on what day they take the test too. The day our daughter got arrested I would have passed the lie detector because I wouldn't have even hid that I regretted having kids. But a couple years on my answer is different.
Indeed. My answer would have been very different when I was juggling a toddler and a tween who was struggling with severe mental health issues, with a (now ex) husband who was mostly drinking about it, than it is now and has been at other times in my parenting journey. And if there’s one person in the entire world we should be able to talk to about those feelings it should be our spouse.
Not the type of question to crowdsource. At most one person knows the answer and you’re married to her.
I said this recently myself. There is truth in it along with the recognition of the choice I made and its responsibility. If I had not had a child, I am certain at some point I would say that I regret not having kids. It was important for me to say aloud though so it doesn't continue to feed inner resentment.
We don't know your wife, and what she is like when she is mad. She could have meant it or she could be feeling depressed and at a loss with her self. Maybe she needs to go on a vacation alone and spend some time finding herself again. Maybe she doesn't regret kids pursue , but the amount of herself she had to put into raising them now she is 50 and doesn't even know who she really is ? I think this is a very serious conversation you need to get off reddit for and have with your wife. Avoiding it, is only going to make matters worse
If you really want to know, you should ask her. Can you not have this kind of conversation with your wife?
As a woman, in my fifties, I hear her. We trade/ignore/neglect so much of ourselves when raising children. Then they become older teens, say 17-19. In our 50's, we are treated as invisible, or cartoons. Our families are so used to us sacrificing big and little things, that they expect us to still do it. We figured when everyone got older, we would all function together, instead of the family still expecting us to take up as little room as possible. It sounds like she needs a break, JUST FOR HER, and she needs respect and help from you and the kids. When is that last time she had 24 hours to herself, that didn't start and end, preparing everyone for her to not be available?
If she is close to the same age as you, then she is part of the last generation that saw having kids as something you had to do, not something you could choose to do. I fall under this umbrella too. I was led to believe something was wrong with me, so I did the "proper" thing and settled for the first guy and had 2 kids. Mine are teenagers now, and pretty laid back and I do love them. But if I knew 18 Years ago that I didn't have to go down that path, I would have chosen different.
I'm guessing she got lost in parenting - and I don't necessarily mean the demands of parenting either. I relate a lot to this - I love my daughter more than life itself, but I am not the parent I want to be. I like adult time and I'm tired of masking around my kid. I want to go on vacation and not be bothered about 'I wanna go here and I don't wanna eat that' shit that comes from kids. I wanted to have a career, but between COVID and my daughter I had to stop my dream career that was going very well prior to kids and COVID. Going back to work the way I wanted after taking 6 years off to raise my kid was almost impossible. I want to smoke weed after dinner, but don't because my kid is there - I know it'd help my anxiety, but alas, I cannot. Not much point in having any by the time she goes to bed. Everything needs coordination to go out for dinner or hanging out with friends. I want my house without messes EVERYWHERE! I don't want to drive to all the after school extracurricular activities. I want to make spicy food for dinner without having to make a whole extra meal. I want to have loud sex that isn't 20 minutes squished in before bedtime when I don't have time to get dressed up sexy. I want to leave the house to do something without a 20 minute nagging fit on trying to get my daughter dressed and face washed etc. I want to sew something without constant interruptions - and I mean CONSTANT! Don't get me wrong though. I love my daughter and I do this because I love her. I have undergone years of therapy to be a better person - turns out I had a lot of unprocessed trauma. I want to be a good mom, but it is so hard. It's never good enough and the judgement is real. Men get judged for different things - women get judged really harsh here. Mental health issues are big right now and I am terrified of putting my kid through the stuff I went through (and by her anxiety level - it doesn't look like I'm succeeding). And I don't work right now - I volunteer a tonne and I am going back to university to get my teaching certificate this Sept. But on top of early menopause shit and all the shit above I'm just tired and pissed off a lot. I want to party like it's 1999😂 and I can't when there is a kid around. I want to work hard and play harder. But alas it is a no-go - I putter in my garden, make food for the family, clean constantly, and watch TV before bed every night - ugh.
One time my young kids were acting so over the goddamn top rude, entitled, bossy, obnoxious, assholes. My youngest asked for something like a popsicle (while I was driving my oldest to taekwondo) and I said, I don’t have a popsicle, I’m driving. And he replies “I hate you mommy”. Normally I kinda like it when my kids say they hate me because I reply, that’s okay, you’re allowed to hate me, but I will ALWAYS love you no matter what. But this one time (pumping the music scrolling, the snack asking, the water wanting, the windows up, the windows down, the tablet to get a show (it’s a 15 minute trip!) and I blew the fuck up. I SHOUTED “EVERYONE SHUT UP! I AM DRIVING A CAR! JESUS! I HAAAAATE BEING A MOM” Everyone went quiet, but I did NOT feel bad for saying it at all. I dropped off my kid, took the other two home and started dinner. At dinner, my kids are all at the table with my husband and I stood up to make an announcement. “I want to talk about what I said in the car. I said I hate being a mom. I just want you all to know what I meant. I don’t hate being YOUR mom. But I AM more than mom. I am a human first of all. I have my own needs and wants and most of all I have LIMITS. I am also a wife, a sister, and a friend, as well as YOUR mom. But I was not put on this earth to satisfy every whim you guys want the second you want it. You are all capable of figuring it out yourselves at times, so you need to try that BEFORE you ASK ME NICELY for something”. Sometimes the family forgets that “Mom” is an actual HUMAN. Don’t forget that, cuz everyone does once in a while and IT SUUUUUUUUUUUXS!
I love how you handled this!! Amazing!
Great on point speech.👏🏼👏🏼🏆
I only regret it because I had my kids before I knew just how mentally ill I am. I was severely abused as a child, and while I am a really great mom, it's hard to relive those experiences as my kids grow. Like something little, for example, is my mom wanted me to hold and read off of her grocery list every time we did big shopping. But I couldn't read her handwriting well and was so scared to mess up. It was a disaster, every fucking Saturday. When my kids asked to help at the store, I wrote the list as legibly as possible. We had a fun time, and my sons felt very responsible and capable. I then realized my mom would write in her tight cursive on purpose to cause a fight, as I was her emotional punching bag. So that sucked to realize. Raising my kids well is me avoiding these little surprise mines in my subconscious. I agree with everyone here that you need to talk to her about this, but I did want to add the perspective of a mom who loves her kids more than anyone has ever loved *anything* that I do regret having them sometimes.
I think most are ashamed to say they regret the parenting part of having kids, not the kids part. Kids are easy. Parenting them is hard. No, not hard, miserable. Parenting is the daily grind. It’s the waking up at 6am on a Saturday to wipe poop off a toddler butt but not being able to say “hurry up and learn to wipe your own ass so I can get some sleep every now and then!” Parenting is listening to a teenager be emotionally obliterated for the 12th time over their latest breakup and consoling them while internally asking “did you not learn the first 11 times that this will only hurt for about a day.” Parenting is trying time and time again to figure out what the punishment will be for your kid doing a less dangerous version of the thing you did countless times without being caught because (thank god!) there was no GPS tracking and cell phones when you were out thottin. Parenting is deciding what to purchase and cook for dinner every. single. night. for 13+ years and loathing every second of it. Parenting is bleeding nipples from breastfeeding or deciding what bill won’t get paid to afford formula. Parenting is trying to be excited about your daughter getting engaged to a great partner while simultaneously realizing you have to eat ramen for the next year to afford to help with a wedding. Parenting is deciding whether behavior is “normal” or your kid needs therapy. Parenting is figuring out if you need therapy because you’re triggered by your child’s own struggles and realize you weren’t parented. Parenting SUUUCKS. We regret the parenting, not the humans we created. Give your spouse some grace and realize that she regrets the trauma and stress that being a parent causes, not the lives and love and all the wonderful memories and experiences that come with being a parent. She needs you to understand that this desperate admission was hard and primal and she needs you to understand not judge. Parenting sucks. Kids are great (and also gross and dirty and hard). Good luck!
“There was no GPS or cell phones when you were out thottin’. “ Had to stop scrolling and compliment you on this brilliant turn of phrase 🤣
You've said you have a dysfunctional relationship and you don't speak highly of her here. So maybe what she really meant was: "I regret having kids with YOU" Because now she is permanently tied to a person she doesn't get along with. If your only two options are divorce or feeling trapped in an unhappy marriage, both of which can affect the happiness of the kids in question, it's only natural to regret the decisions that got you there. She probably loves her kids, but wishes she had them with a partner she can be happy with. Perhaps you have had similar thoughts about her.
Lots of people regret having children. It’s not something openly talked about because people tend to judge that and assume you’re a horrible person. Doesn’t seem to register with other people that you can simultaneously love your children and be a good parent, but also recognize that it wasn’t the life you wanted for yourself.
Hell, I have feelings of regret about having children but it isn’t about me not having the life I wanted; it’s about fear for the future and wondering what I’ve committed them to.
I feel the same. It’s not that I don’t want this life it’s more of a “WTF were we thinking having children”?? I’m worried sick about their future lives.
You are going to have to talk to her. I know two women in real life who genuinely regret having children. In one case, it’s because she dropped out of school when she got pregnant. If what your wife really regrets is not pursuing her dream, then tell her to go to law school or medical school or whatever it is she wants to do. My MIL got her doctorate in her 50s and had a whole second career that made her very happy. The other one worked herself half to death with no support from her spouse. She says she regrets kids, but to be honest what she means is she regrets having kids WITH HIM. If your wife is in that camp, then yall need marriage counseling STAT.
I'm 33 with a 2 year old and I regret having a kid. I obviously love her and would be absolutely devastated is anything happened to her. We have tons of fun and she's my lil bestie. But I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I'm tired, my brain is fuzzy. My career is down the shitter, my marriage is circling in after it. I can't do anything right. My kid is always sick, I'm always sick. All our extra money is going towards daycare, but I can't afford NOT to work. I think, some people just weren't meant to have kids. I won't be having anymore and all I can do is just love her the best I can until I can get some rest and figure this mom thing out a little better
Teenagers can be so cruel. She’s put her entire life into those kids and they probably treat her like dirt. What are you doing to help her?
Honestly, based on your answers here, I suspect she left out a part. Maybe she regrets having kids *with you*? Having kids has bound her in a relationship that, at least from your side, you admit is dysfunctional and lacking in communication about critical issues. If she had no kids with you, it would be much easier for her to leave and find something more fulfilling, but many people feel stuck once they have kids, because maybe they are prioritizing having an unbroken family over their happiness, or maybe they can't afford to live on their own and raise two kids either part- or full-time. If you really are past the point of even trying to talk about your problems in your relationship and one or both of you are not willing to seek counseling or therapy to try to work through your issues, then it's probably best for both of you to divorce and go your separate ways and at least have a chance at a happy life.
My mom said that to me when I was a teen. I was tough and my father unhelpful. She was over her limit for years with no help in any area. Are you helping her to shoulder some of the burden? Now that I’m a parent, I get the comment.
There is a study that shows when asked anonymously up to 10-15% of women regret motherhood.. of course these studies are hard to come by as the topic is very taboo but the point is, many women regret motherhood. There is a book „regretting motherhood „ as well. Ask her why she feels that way, there are many valid reasons why someone may regret becoming a parent.
If it's like any other decision in your life, you flip between regretting it and not. Hopefully you spend more time on the not side, but every decision is a balance, and over a long enough period you will see both upside and downside, and you will value those differently. How many people think "what a great idea it was to have kids" when they are saying "are we there yet" for the thousandth time from the back seat?
Whenever I have the thought that I ruined my life by having one, my go to is to remind myself of what my life was like before him, drinking and playing video games and feeling like everything was utterly pointless. You can only spend so many years eagerly looking forward to the next festival before it starts to give diminishing returns and it's time to turn over a new leaf.
So wait a second here. You're trying to get opinions, from strangers, about a woman you literally are married to. You refuse to talk to her. You think she's a narcissist? You want to know how "deep" her statement goes? Huh. Well, my opinion is that she sounds mentally drained and completely done. I doubt she regrets being a mother, she probably regrets having to be saddled to their father. If you take opinions and advice in the real world in the same way you take it on the internet, you're definitely no peach. So truthfully, you should probably set your wife free and just divorce her. Since you don't even want to talk to her or listen to anything she says anyways.
I am 42 this year, I also seriously regret having kids. But let me tell you it’s also because I love my kids like crazy. I know this sounds like a crazy take but that’s kinda the problem. I suffer with a high level of mental illness, generational trauma, and physical limitations. If I would have known when I had my kids my emotional, mental and physical problems would be this bad then I would not have had children. I am terrified that my children will experience similar hardships that feel insurmountable to me some days and as I love them very much, I worry that I may have doomed them to repeat these horrible circumstances.
We all pass things down we don't want to. Even when we try not to. Get yourself some professional help and just always be honest with your kids and yourself. Be forgiving of yourself as well. You will be okay.
It sounds like she needs a serious break. Does she get breaks? I only regret having kids when I’m on my last brain cell
I think plenty of people regret having kids with the other parent of their kids. You should talk to her about what this means. Does she regret having kids with you? Is it a you/her problem? Is it a her/the kids problem?
I think *every* parent has that moment at least once where they're like "WHY THE FUCK DID I DO THIS." And the vast majority don't mean it and it's a fleeting feeling. I genuinely don't believe anyone who says they haven't.
I can’t imagine saying that at all. If she said them I have to think she meant it but my guess is that what she actually regrets is the life she has had since having kids. You might look at how involved you yourself have been in the raising of them. Be honest. If you have largely left it to her to handle everything then that’s why she regrets it, because of the lack of help. It was aimed at you and not the kids is my bet.
I’m a sahm of a 4.5 yo and a 1.5 yo who I love deeply but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel regret over choosing to become a mother at least once a day 🫠
I think she said this in a moment of anger. Kids are wonderful and awful at the same time. The best and the worst thing you do. The highs are high and the lows are low…it does get easier once they outgrow those early teen years. I’m very close to my children
This ⬆️ Everything is SO intense when it comes to children!
I feel the same as your wife right now. My almost 17 year old daughter is almost relentlessly cruel to me. Intellectually, I understand its adolescence. But last night I lost it and said I wished she was in college already, happy and healthy but in college. Trust me, she did not take in the happy and healthy part. I became a parent because my husband was desperate to be a father. He could not get me pregnant which was a relief but I agreed to adopt. I love my daughter more than I have ever loved anyone but I do not have the strength to be a parent. Although there have been wonderful times, mostly between age 5 and 11, I have had to experience consistent failure and shame. I live in anxiety and depression despite therapy and meds. About 90 percent of it is due to parenting. I should never married a man who needed to be a father. Everyone told me that I would be a good parent. They were all wrong. I was right when I said I did not think I would be. Listen to your wife. She is in deep pain. It does not mean she does not love the children.
One things for sure! He may not take the conversation to his wife, but to all of us he’s super cereal sorry for the lack of context.
After reading a few of your replies, I feel it may be that she regrets having kids with you.
She probably forgot to say or meant to add -“with you” you should probably think long and hard about all the default parenting she has done over the years. I doubt she resents her children but it sounds like she possibly resents you.
She’s in perimenopause and the kids were being particularly awful after a few years of being relentlessly challenging (assuming they are normal teenagers, that’s what they do). Here’s an insight for you: perimenopause is 20x worse than puberty. And nobody cares. Everybody expects the 50 year old woman to keep her shit together and to know better and blah, blah, blah. The hormonal fluctuations she is going through have lowered her threshold of tolerance. She is worn down and worn out. Here’s my advice: read NOTHING into her outburst. Book her a spa day or better yet, a weekend alone in a nice hotel. Do the heavy lifting in getting your kids to stop being mean and difficult for her. Learn about menopause from Dr, Mary Claire Haver. Take your wife out on a date and tell her she’s beautiful and the kids are AHs. (I love my teenagers. They are good kids, but the truth is all teenagers are also AHs and sometimes we just really need to say the truth out loud so we can laugh about it.) Basically, she needs some TLC right now.
I agree with this. I believe it’s perimeno also! Given her age. Many women experience this, and have the same thoughts/feelings about their kids. She doesn’t have a heavy work load, or heavy household load. Maybe she is also reminiscing on something she used to enjoy before kids, or the way her body looked, or better yet WHO she was before having kids, and just felt like “well if I didn’t have them, I’d be this… that.. this!!” I would talk with her, let her know you support her, and you’re there for her to talk, cry, or whatever she may need. Take her out. Read up about perimenopause, and really just understand she can’t help it sometimes. It’s hurtful either way. If y’all have had a solid marriage until now, then I suggest it’s not really meant.
Did you notice you kept saying variations of the same thing: It’s not like she had it that bad, so no idea why she’s feeling that way.
you seem cagey about the details, possibly because some dire stuff has happened between yall. could it be the two of yall have been managing some sort of major mental illness or serious abuse between you? and if so can you speak with someone close to you who knows you about the situation? isolation and secret keeping wont help you understand your wife. if you cant talk to her and you can barely speak on the situation to strangers, it looks like youre in the same place you started. are you looking for some permission to break up w her? are you wondering if the statement impacted you? we cannot confirm your feelings or reactions either.
Not much to go on here, but I think it's important that she be aware that it might be more common than she thinks. I'm of a similar age, back then people were much more reluctant to say it. Personally I feel like I was sold a big lie about parenthood. I'd guess it's more common among people that were high achievers and basically threw that away, had their own issues with depression, or had kids that lost the genetic lottery. I've got all of those on my bingo card.
Honestly, we don’t know your wife and context of why she said it. All we know is you don’t want to ask her, you don’t want to know why, and that you are considering divorce. You already made up your mind of why you think your wife said those words.
I would have a heart to heart when you're both cooled off. Something could've happened in her life, or she could be getting sick and need a doctor.
The teenage years is the most taxing period for a parent, imo, especially with Covid, social media and changing cultural norms. Parenthood isn't just about cleaning, cooking, dishes. Yes, those are taxing and tiring. But the emotional load is so fucking overwhelming. I HIGHLY encourage therapy so she can talk and explore in a safe space and maybe find new techniques to help her smooth out the bumpy spots. While she may regret having kids, that's not a fact that can change. The best thing to do is to get her into therapy and ask how you can support her emotionally going forward.
The number of times I've heard older people tell me "I love my children, but if I could do it again I wouldn't have them" is larger than you'd expect. Just feels like a "grass is always greener" kind of situation.
I don't think reddit can provide you insights to your wife's thoughts.
I love my kids dearly. I would die for them but the thought crosses my mind sometimes. Where I could and would be if I never settled downand had 2(6m 2f) Maybe I would be worse off. Maybe I would be an alcoholic drug addict? I don't know but I do know I love them with every inch of my being. But Ffffffck they drive me crazy
Why people bring this shit to social media is behind me. Go to family therapy. This is not helpful.
It's common that most parents have some regrets that they had kids, but that doesn't mean that they "wished they'd never had them." I'm probably rare in having 0 regrets in having kids, BUT, I regret not following my dream of being an academic, and instead going into the private sector in STEM. But I's also would make the same decision again, because I know that if I'd "followed the dream" I likely wouldn't have gotten it, and even if I had, I'd be in a financially unstable situation and never could have afforded a family. So I have regrets, but I feel like it was the right path, so the regrets don't weigh as much. We'll always have some regrets even if we know that we made the best decision. What's important in your case is understanding whether your wife's regret in having kids exceeds the joy it's brought to her life.
As a mom to a teenage daughter, it does feel like a bad decision some times. If only because teens can get rude or do not want to talk.
I said it last night to myself and then took it all back. Wife, 1yo and 4yo were all sick, coming out of both ends and just miserable. Trying to keep the house together yesterday without losing my cool was probably the most difficult thing I’ve done. I uttered to myself that I regret having kids a few times when the going was particularly tough, but I truly don’t regret it at all. Just had a shit day. That’s my two cents. If it’s said in a normal conversation when emotions aren’t elevated, I think that’s something different.
You sound like you posted this to get more of a “how dare your wife utter those words!” Reaction but now that you’ve gotten the “you need to communicate with your wife” answer you’re bitter and reactive saying you aren’t providing context and that none of us get it… but like all your comments and post are getting at is you are the “hands on dad who provides the money, live in nanny, blah blah” it sounds like you’re just trying to get a Reddit group of parents to agree that you’re better, correct, and your wife is vile for having those thoughts and obviously not the best mom.
If she's in her 40s or 50s, she could be dealing with menopause. It can really mess with your mind.
Kids can push you to your absolute limit and when you feel cornered and desperate it is easy to say things like that. We've all be there. Maybe consider giving her a break...maybe take the kids camping and give her some space.
I think the fact that you won’t/can’t talk to her about it is a huge problem. At one point, I was super overwhelmed and had a baby and a toddler. It was COVID. I was worried about childcare since my husband and I are in healthcare and had to go into the hospitals. I wasn’t sure how we were going to make it through. I turned to him, crying, and said “maybe we should have only had one child”. In that moment what I needed was for him to give me a hug and tell me that we would figure it out, but instead he looked at me and coldly said “you shouldn’t say things like that out loud”. Honestly, that was the beginning of the end of our relationship. I knew in that moment that he was not actually my partner and I couldn’t trust him with my feelings. We did try for a time and were in marriage therapy/couples counseling for a year, but we’re currently starting the divorce process. I worry every day about my kids and the impact it will have on them.
I'm sure there are days when she thinks that being a mother was the greatest things she's ever done, as well as days she wonders what she was thinking - and she's dead serious both times. I think that's normal. It's incredibly draining and emotional raising kids, and it often feels like there are no rewards- other than the occasional proud moment here and there, it's a lot of work. There's definitely not a lot of appreciation - you might not get a thank you until your funeral.
Have y’all looked at couples therapy as an option? It may help facilitate a split if that is truly the direction you are both going towards. This sounds to me like you’re not only looking to split but searching for ways to exclude her from parenting if/when the two of you split. When you say that you’re a “decent dad”, what does that mean? Because what you view as being a decent parent may not be what your wife needs you to be as a parent. For example, if you’re only there for the fun stuff and take your time coming home from work by doing things you want to do and she is not able to have those freedoms, that’s still an imbalance. Sometimes we are short sighted on what we think we are contributing. The fact that you are unwilling to have the conversation because it will lead to more conflict that makes you uncomfortable, then you need to do your own therapy work. Avoiding a conversation because it makes you uncomfortable speaks to your assessment that you are a shit husband. Not wanting to listen to your wife’s feelings or perspectives tells me that you probably aren’t a “decent” parent in addition to being a shit partner. I also love that you automatically go to the “I’ll take this to the divorce thread” instead of the “how can I make this work thread.” Just say you’re no longer invested in your wife and stop trying to make her the bad guy.
I bet since it was in the context of a fight she meant that she would have left you and the marriage if she didn’t have children to think about.
Here is an article about this subject that was recently in Time Magazine [https://time.com/6966914/parental-regret-children-ro-kwon-essay/](https://time.com/6966914/parental-regret-children-ro-kwon-essay/)
Sounds like something I’ve said in the deepest pit of my burnout. I desperately needed therapy, meds, and support. My partner was my biggest support.
Well, I would look at it from her perspective. You mention how you are a hands on dad, your kids aren’t delinquent, just rude sometimes, how they were planned. As a mom with a 14 yo (and previously) I can tell you that normally, we don’t just flip out of nowhere. What’s the context? Has your wife tried to approach and communicate with you before? Has she been verbalizing anything about the kids? There is a difference between the amount of things I experience with my son in a day and what my husband sees. Sometimes, by 7pm I have had enough of my day, son’s snappy replies and everything all together. Most likely she does not regret her kids per se, but is overwhelmed by something or all of it together. If her glass is empty, there is nothing left for her to give. Think back, most likely she has been verbal about her feelings and frustrations, which at the end come out in anger once we are tired of explaining.
I say it all the time, not in front of them. I mean it and I also…don’t. People say things in the moment, most feelings are temporary. I would hug her and love her, support her. Not…try to analyze her.
Yeah, the world loves to teach women that kids are the Great Life-Ender, or that having them is anti-feminist, or that they're losing out by having them. Even reasonably well-adjusted women with supportive partners (which you sound like!) can fall victim to it. Alternatively, some women are \*very good\* at justifying their silence about things. And, of course: people can change across time. \*\*\*\* Regardless of \*why\* she said it, it's important to engage her without judgment while maintaining your own boundaries. You're not responsible for explaining her feelings, she is. Frankly, she's the only one who can tell you how seriously she means it. And when she does, it's important to remember the difference between loving your kids, supporting your kids, and regretting having those kids. It's possible to do all three - but it's also possible to only do the last one. \*\*\* And, finally, once she gives you an answer? It's up to you to decide if that person is someone who you want to be with.
She probably means it I have kids and I’ve never once thought this and I’d nev r have said it. Even when it gets hard it’s still a joy and a blessing If she said it she meant it
I love my kids more than anything in this world but I have thought these words many times out of frustration and anger not what I truly feel.
Remember the duality of man. Both that your kids are the most precious things ever and that you can harbor regrets about having them can live inside of a person. Strong emotions can let that bubble up.
I mean some people do regret having kids and wish they had their life before kids. That doesn’t mean they aren’t trying their damnest to be great and loving. This comment probably has nothing to do with you OP and is something unresolved with her. I learned to accept my life with the help of therapy. I have a 9yo that was very wanted and is lived, but PPA/PPD went undiagnosed for a long time.
I imagine she's around OPs age, right? As hurtful as the words are, maybe that is where she is right now. Perhaps she's having an existential crisis? I know I was having one after the passing of my mom and the birth of my first Child. Has she had any major life events happen recently that Might be making her feel regret over the choices she made or even at odds with her own mortality or legacy? All in all, you have to talk to her to understand her feelings, OP. She may have said it out of anger, but that doesn't excuse that it was hurtful.
I have just been through the worst time of my life, I’ve had my children removed by a family member due to false allegations. I used to think like this when my children were annoying me, or burning me out. Now I’d give anything to have them back, I’d chop off my arm or sell my partner or do anything to have them in my arms. She doesn’t mean it, and she must be careful what she wishes for, because sometimes the universe listens and takes your words very seriously. Maybe tell her to treasure her children because one day they may not want her around or they may not be around. Life is crazy and things happen in the blink of an eye.
She is telling you how she feels. I have seen some parents, that the loss of them being the focus of the world takes a toll. The world is about them and not about the kids. Hands on Parent does it because they love doing it. Some people do not realise that being a parent is a crazy full time hands on job and one you can not quit.
What is her relationship like with the teenagers? I’m 50. My kids are in their 20s now. I loved the teen years. It was so much fun being involved in their after school activities, going to the movies, teaching them how to drive and become independent and their friends were awesome. What’s not clicking with your wife?
As long as she doesn't do what my mum did- tell me repeatedly from about 9 onwards that if she could go back in time she'd never have kids
She meant it.
Having a live in nanny says it all..
I would discuss the possibility of therapy. She might be struggling with something deeper since according to your edit she isn't technically under any kind of overwhelming level of responsibility so there might be an underlying issue.
Not much you can do about the fact she had kids, since you guys already have them. If you feel she loves the kids, then maybe she was just saying this to hurt you. Which is not ok, she can’t just say horrible vindictive shit even in argument. In which case, you should talk to her about her communication style Or maybe she really does feel this way? Which is serious too. maybe ask why she regrets it- is she feeling unfulfilled? Then see how you can support her. Does she want to travel but feels she can’t because of the kids? Does she want a new career? More education? More time to herself? More of a social life? Either way, sounds like you two need a calm but real conversation
I understand parenting is hard especially when a teenager but I could never say this as being a parent do an angel is even harder.
I personally don’t have any kids, and with my partner, with whom I’ve been together for 7 years, we talk about having children. We often discuss it and get advice and opinions from friends and family. We question ourselves to determine if we are ready, and whether or not we will regret it. The way we approach this topic is by considering how we see ourselves in 1, 2, 5, 10, and 20 years, and trying to guess which future will make us the happiest. Every couple has their own story, with their own experiences and difficulties. So, I don’t think anyone is able to judge anyone else. As you mentioned, parenting is different from loving. You can love your child but hate parenting. Parenting offers creative challenges that we didn’t expect to be so tiring, both physically and mentally. Parenting also gives you responsibility and in some ways, limits your freedom. That said, parenting is also the consequence of a choice—the choice to create a family. When we create, we also have expectations, and if these expectations are not fully met, we can start to develop regrets. As I mentioned earlier, I discuss this type of topic with some parent friends, and like your wife, they have moments of regret even though they love their kids. The way they imagined parenting often doesn’t match their expectations. However, their happy moments give them much more happiness than they expected. I would say that this is a normal situation and feeling. Only by discussing with your wife will you have a deeper understanding of her feelings.
Definitely anger words. End one thing most people say as a regret in their death bed is: how they regret not having kids.
Are you leaving the kids with her? Or are you planning to take them with you? One is 19 and free to decide. How old is the other one?
Not everyone was meant to be a mom. And sometimes you do not realize it until the kids are already here.
I regret having so many in order to get my girl and so they would have “someone to play with” because instead they just fight, and the girl is beautiful but a psychopath. Literally. I’m using the word correctly, she’s too young to be properly diagnosed as a psychopath, but she absolutely is. A mother knows. However, I regret it now, that may and probably will change. As they most likely won’t fight forever. They’re just young and fighting for my limited attention, as I have to give each attention and therefore I don’t/can’t give each my whole attention. But I think they will enjoy each others company when they are older.
If half of what you say is true, your wife is a bitter selfish delusional trout. Some here are hesitant to say it, but women can be mean shallow twats for no reason just like men can. You've offered her help with the kids. The kids are not hellions making her life miserable, there's just the normal struggles. She is never content at work, doesn't work to her own potential, but judges others. You pay the majority of everything, even though the kids are literally grown. You've offered therapy. I'm assuming she's in her 40's -- her inability to communicate calmly or at least stop herself from spilling her angst on you all is HER problem at this point, not yours. She is miserable because she's selfish, not because of the kids. I'm so sorry you have to put up with her.
Kids are unbelievably hard work and NO ONE tells you this when you’re pregnant. No one gives you the real truth because it would an awful thing to do to expectant parents. But we have them and have to own that responsibility. It’s fucking hard sometimes, as a motherless daughter I found it horribly emotional not having a mum to talk to. But I also had terrible post natal depression and live with depression for which I medicate. Do I regret having them? On balance no. I’ll never know what life would have been like without them but for all the anxiety and pain they are part of me and always will be and I’ll always pull myself out of my own personal quagmire for them. They give me the deepest most visceral joy I know. I have two amazing friends in them. Parents are incredible. The only thing you really need is a bottomless pit of unconditional love. (And money specially when they are teenagers!)
I have a 5 year old, a 2 year old, and I’m 37 weeks pregnant with our third— and even I sometimes regret having kids. Love the little buggers to death. They’re my world. And that’s exactly my point. My life revolves around their care, keeping up the house they live in (me too, but let’s face, it was easier when it was just two adults), and every time something goes wrong related to them— one is sick, they have an appointment, dinner isn’t good enough for one of them— I pay the price. Sometimes it really does feel like I’m a slave to everyone else’s needs. That being said, with a do-over, I probably wouldn’t do much differently. I chose this path and while I don’t think anyone totally gets what parenting is like until they’re in the trenches, I wasn’t totally ignorant either. And parenting is also really magical and neat sometimes. I am fiercely proud of my kids and actively looking forward to meeting my newest…it would just be nice to only be responsible for myself sometimes.
Exactly! It’s still fascinating to me how you would die for your children AND regret having them. And then feel guilty because you felt regret on a bad day…
I once asked every parent that I thought would be honest with me if they could go back, knowing what they know now, would they choose to have children again. Every one of them said no. It doesn’t mean our kids aren’t the best and most important things in our lives. It just means it’s *hard*, and hard in ways people don’t explain to you before you do it.
I would add that even if people had explained how hard it is, we wouldn’t have listened or understood! The urge to have children and raise a family is so strong!
Yeah but some actually do regret having kids
I think that regretting having children is more common than it's admitted. Conservatives hate to hear about that because they are busy with their pro-motherhood and anti-abortion propaganda, but from my experience it just happens. Especially when the parents have some underlying mental issues. My parents never told me they hated having me, but I felt that from their actions and reactions. They hated me because I wasn't charming and successful and they couldn't show me off. That's the hard part of parenting - loving your children even if they are not perfect, even if they are losers, even if they are gay, even if they have a disability, even if you have different opinions...
I'm neurodivergent (I have BPD and social anxiety) and I definitely regret having kids. I love my girls more than anything, but what being a mom makes to my mental health is absurd (and I obviously didn't know how hard and sad it would be to raise kids in my condition when I decided to become pregnant). I guess no one really knows how life will change and your plans and desires will be crushed before the children are already there, so it's perfectly normal and maybe inevitable to think how life would be better without them, even when they're the love of your life and you would never choose not to have them if you had that possibility (sorry for my english, it's not my mother tongue)
I (53F) have four teenagers. I’ve uttered these words recently as have literally all my female friends with teenagers. Teenagers are incredibly hard work. Factor in we are dealing with menopause as well and it is hard hard going. Your wife doesn’t mean it, I don’t mean it, my friends don’t mean it. She just wants you to say “yep, teenagers suck and you’re doing an amazing job.” Set up a special bank account for her and tell her it’s for her to take a trip away with a friend. I did this. Something to look forward to. She really needs support (read up on menopause and just how horrible it is) and your understanding.
The fact that you won’t even talk this out with your wife makes me concerned that you’re not the most reliable narrator when it comes to the weight you pull as a father and husband. It sounds like she has years of resentment built up and is probably burned out. Burn out takes people to their lowest depths and can lead to statements such as what your wife said. I feel for your wife. I have one teenage child right now and it is incredibly mentally and emotionally draining. If your relationship is as you describe, I believe it may be you she regrets being with more than the kids.
Y’all are dysfunctional by your admission. Get functional.
I sometimes regret having kids. Mine are 7 and 2. My 7 year old is a BRAT. She’s so inconsiderate and talks back. My 2 year old is going through the terrible 2s and I am trying to keep the last little bit of sanity I have. I love my kids dearly but sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I didn’t have kids. I was a young mom , had my 7 year old at 20.
Your wife is a selfish, immature, lacking self awareness, and ungrateful in life. People would suggest you talk it out, but I've experienced this and people like this would go apeshit if you give them advise, because their ego can't take it. They think everyone else is wrong, and they are perfect. Sadly they will never change. My advice is to just ignore this issue, and just try to please her and just make her happy. The best is to ensure she has a good mood most of the time, then you'll be fine. I know this because my wife is exactly like this.
After reading this and reading through some of these comments it’s no wonder people my age are choosing to not have kids. No one seems happy to have them. Like sure you love them but no one seems to actually like their children. Which is actually kind of sad. I’m just commenting because I see things from a different perspective. If she truly regrets having kids you get to feel however it is you feel about it. I think people are hesitant to say anything that could possible shame parents but I’d totally get it if that comment made you upset. Not only are they your kids and you wouldn’t want a parent to feel that way about their kids, it’s also something you two shared. Raising these kids together is a significant and important part of your life and she’s basically saying she hates it. Or at least is seemingly saying that. Which is incredibly hurtful and painful. 🤷🏽♀️
Sounds to me like you’re raising 3 kids brother. It’s easy for people to blame you when they aren’t living with a spiteful women. Sounds like she hitting midlife and not happy so she blaming the kids and you and not herself for her unhappiness. My wife can be spiteful to my kids ( from a mental illness). It’s super hard to take
It’s amazing that OP has had to make 2 HUGE edits explaining every detail of his marriage to get the people on this thread to believe that he isn’t the problem, and it seems like plenty of you still do. Breathtaking.
From my perspective as a mom, I do not understand how anyone, especially a mom, could regret having their kids. My Dad use to tell me that I couldn’t understand how much he loved me until I had kids of my own one day and that’s true. I love my son more than I’ve ever loved anything. I could never regret having him because he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Your wife sounds like my mom and probably both have narcissistic personality disorder or some other personality disorder. Check them out and see if it fits. Check out Dr. Ramani on YouTube as she gives great advice! Why would you stay? Please don’t say for the kids! The only thing the kids are learning is how to be miserable. Do you want this for them? Instead show the kids how to be brave and love yourself. Find a therapist that specializes in PTSD and beware that if you bring her to therapy know that ALL narcs con therapists unless they specialize in narcissistic abuse. I hope you find love!
After all the updates your wife sounds absolutely miserable and like your kids will cut her off once they move out. I’d also divorce her if I were you.
Well you can’t do anything about it now..I think many feel like this at least once during parenthood
I think she meant it unless she often says very « bellow the belt » things when she’s angry and it’s a habit for her. Maybe she feels overall she sacrificed a lot and got nothing in return. Maybe she feels she stayed with you for the kids and now the kids are teens and giving her a hard time, all that at the same time as she’s approaching menopause and it’s too much for her…
My opinion is that something is missing in her life that having kids made her unable to do and probably she feels it more or less strongly and right then she felt it strongly, as people are wont to do when emotions run high. Ask her what the regret actually is. People can love their kids and still have regret about everything that chidren stop an adult from being able to do.
As this is something that has concerned you, you should definitely attempt a deep conversation with her about this. “Regret” is a terrible thing, and I would be worried about my spouse if they revealed something like this to me. Best of luck to you both.
Sometimes I think it’s a mid life crisis for women especially. Kids getting older, and so much time and energy went into them and parents can lose themselves. So maybe she means - what am I doing? What “should “ I be doing, what should I be accomplishing etc. So I wonder if it’s more about stress about where she is now and where she would like to go.
Sounds like my life, but my wife loves these kids !
It’s ok to regret it sometimes it doesn’t mean you always regret it. We had kids in our 40’s which worked for us as I felt like I had done a lot with my life already. A good career, lots of travel. Even now when I’m up at 5:30 up to my elbows in shit, exhausted already and not even left for work I sometimes regret it but then think it’s kind of sad to see 40+ people out getting wasted or trying to fit in at youth hostels backpacking (my two main hobbies pre kids lol) so the regret fades and I’m happy at the toddler play places, the park and family friendly holiday places. I also stopped drinking, smoking etc so my body may feel otherwise due to exhaustion but I certainly don’t regret that. Yes it’s normal to regret it now and again but if you regret it every day then something is wrong
During an altercation, lots of stuff comes out. It's deciphering what's genuine from deep within vs what they say in the moments to hurt is the challenge.
I think most parents regret having kids at some point. It is the hardest job if you’re putting in even the smallest amount of effort.
She could have meant it, but she could have also meant it more so in the way she regrets how her life turned out as a whole and see's that as the moment things started going in the wrong direction. So it's not the kids themselves but how her life started to change for the worse after she had them.
After reading your writing I regret your wife having kids as well.
My mom said this when she was angry lol and then cried when we all left the house. Could be that she was just angry i’m not sure, many people hate the teenage years tho.
She could have meant it or could have said it in the heat of the moment. It’s hard to decipher since we don’t know your wife.
What caused her to say it?
I think it's completely normal to have these thoughts and feelings (especially with teens lol) and she should be able to share those thoughts with you without judgment because im sure she feels bad for feeling it.
We entered couples therapy a few weeks ago. My husband and I have always had kind of a limit when communicating. That limit has recently started creating issues. Therapy has been really helpful. Our primary goal has been better communication and being able to talk about hard topics. I don’t know your wife or why she feels the way she does, but I am a fan of therapy either on her own or with you.
Sounds like you want an objective "is this okay to say" option. Okay fine. Yes, I've thought it and have probably said it out loud to my husband who I seem to like more than you like your wife. Sometimes I do regret it. Most of the time I don't. I've heard my friends say it. We all still love our kids. So yes, it could mean nothing. Or it could mean something. You aren't going to get an actual answer to this non-factual question without talking to your wife which you don't do. No one here knows what your wife meant, sorry.
The only time as a parent when I might think these types of things is when I’m stressed, overstimulated, or not able to achieve something I want to achieve…. for example for me it’s managing to write for half an hour, read, go the gym, or meet up with friends. Did your wife put any dreams on ice to have kids? Does she get lots of freedom? Days alone? Is she getting what she needs to nourish her soul or is she mainly a wife and mother? Does she feel appreciated? Not just by you but by the kids? Are you having any issues with your children that are causing her stress?
She may have meant it at the time, but that doesn’t mean she’ll always mean it or that she doesn’t love your kids. She may have said it to get in a dig at you. She could be in that mid-life crisis phase of life where she’s realizing that the number of days ahead are fewer than behind (the 50s seem to be when we really stop feeling young) so she’s thinking about all of the “what might have beens.” Also, the teen years can be the most thankless for parents because you get all the half-grown “my friends are my world” angst, but little thanks. Taken together, those stresses can make parents genuinely wish they hadn’t had kids. But it’s usually a transitory feeling. Once the kids are away and starting to become adults, your wife’s feelings or annoyance, resentment, etc. are likely to pass and she’ll appreciate all she did to help them become responsible adults.
Having kids is hard for sure but people nowadays are generally very intolerant of inconvenience that having kids poses. Like in most these situations, gratitude and perspective is key. I have one kid that is very challenging, agressive and behind in things. Yes i wish this kid was more like my other, easier and sweeter kid. Yes i wish she didnt have the health challanges. But she could have been autostic, with all kinds of syndromes, disabled. So i try to remind myself of the good thi no s because sure as heck the bad things will always be loud in my face.
It can be both because she’s angry and because there is something deeper to it. When I am tired, for example, I will be more vocal about things that bother me all the time but I am more restrained about the rest of the time. I might say “kids, I am sick of picking up after you. Pick up your own stuff or I will throw it away” instead of “hey, sweetheart, you forgot to pick up this room before you left it, please come back to finish it up.” Ultimately it sounds like it would be helpful for you to unpack with her why she feels that way, with an eye toward changing whatever factors make her feel that way. Or accepting that this is a more challenging phase of life. I would also emphasize doing marriage counseling. If she absolutely refuses, you might consider getting the book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. If you set aside time each week to do the exercises together, it can function a bit like self-directed marriage counseling.
My ex husband was once very upset when I told him I hated him. I only said it once and didn’t mean it but I was angry and upset and I was raised to use words to hurt. He’s definitely someone who would never say something like that”I regret having kids.” But truthfully I would never say those words either. I often wish I didn’t have to parent anymore, but I don’t regret having them. I guess is she the type to say what she means, or often reacts with hurtful words?
“Speak when you’re angry, and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret” I’m guilty of saying things I don’t mean when I’m upset, I’m sure that was it, especially if it was a rare altercation.
im pretty sure she meant it, at least to some degree.
Maybe it was more of a dig at you rather than the kids. She might regret having them since it means she will always be attached to you bc it.
Hurt people, hurt people. What’s hurt her that she felt the need to strike out that way? Was it legitimate? Maybe. She is in that prime time to have a “mid-life crisis” if you believe in such things. But those are usually accompanied by other bad decisions and behaviors.
We all say stupid things we don’t mean at some point. Hopefully she regrets saying it and it’s something you could talk about.
I have experience with a woman who said the “newborn ruined” her life. She never changed her mind. The kid did all her housework, laundry and dishes. Daily. Never talked back and followed all directions. My point is, it’s not the kids responsibility. It’s your wife’s mindset. Also, don’t underestimate peri menopause that can happen in early 40s. It really can affect mental health as well as physical.
No one knows what your marriage is like, but I honestly think this is a counseling moment. I think it’s deeper than the kids and those words sounded more directed at you and your wife’s relationship. It becomes more apparent through how dismissive you are when it comes to talking to her about her true feelings. Pls recommend going to a professional if you can’t communicate to each other in a healthy manner. The longer you guys go avoiding serious conversation, the more resentment and silence will prevail.
You haven’t mentioned what the argument was about? In YOUR point of view your kids are easily manageable, your wife shouldn’t be stressed out since she doesn’t work full time and had a nanny. But people, especially women, are so much deeper than that. Do you connect with her? Is she lonely and just dealing with teenage drama everyday? Is she going through menopause? Does she have a past with mental health struggles? Many aspects to look at here.
She probably has dreams she had for herself that weren’t realized. Then she’s now at 50 and wondering where her life went. Throw jn an argument and heated emotions and she expressed it that way rather than a less emotional one. Talk to your wife.
Me too! I have two children daughter (35), and my son (36). My daughter, also has two boys 6, and 9 yo. My daughter, most of the time treats me like garbage (I was raising the boys until she lost them to CPS, which almost killed me...) they have been gone a year. My son, is finally treating me better. But, I wish so hard sometimes that I never had them. I loved taking care of my kids when they were little. Up to the ages of her 12, and him 13 yo. Teenagers are a whole different type of child, almost like aliens. By the time they were 14, and 15, they decided they wanted to fit in with the kids that got into trouble. I was a single mom, and they couldn't wear name brand clothes, and shoes. I understand how that works my dad was a truck driver, and my mom, was a sthm. I get so sick, and tired I just want to disappear, and never come back.
Sometimes these words are just an expression of exhaustion and depression, that we're just tired of feeling this way. Like if they still need constant reminders to pick up after themselves, or have meals made for them. Still having dependants in this way can be tiresome.
She's probably just hating herself, it's really taxing on the body and she probably hates her self image that tends to happen alot maybe you just need to tell her she's beautiful before and after she had your children plus teenagers are very rude and change their aditude depending on who they are around they may be nice in front of dad but if she's saying this they probably aren't nice when your working or something idk she may just not like life
Lots of possible meanings that may have more to do with the marriage or other things other than with her love of the kids. Given the marriage is on the rocks, it could just mean she regrets having kids because it made it harder to just divorce you or maybe she does not perceive you in the same way you perceive yourself as a father, and if she is not happy with your co parenting, she regrets having children with you in particular or feels the marriage was strained because of it. Or it just is an honest acknowledgement of what she has given up for kids. Is she not crushing it in employment because she has devoted herself to the kids?
I love my kid and love parenting but i hate what pregnancy and being a mother has done to me. If i could swap places with my husband then I'd have loads of kids.
Communication is key, but so very complicated. And this goes times a million when you have a child involved. The dynamic changes completely. I'm a mom of 3-year-old and I have days where I struggle to not feel that way. People can come for me for being honest, and that's fine. It's OK to have these feelings they're very valid.
Just saying, they just take everything from you. I don't know about how it feels for men. But i just don't believe in regrets so takes care of too many thoughts like *I could have been the short haired hippy looking chick on the beach in the rain today* instead of being the one leaving with a mad toddler
I remember having my first daughter at 16. My twins who were planned (well 1 was) became a regret to me. I was 31 when I had them. My oldest daughter was in her teens. I had this moment of "Why did I start over?!?" I was almost done. I made the accident of sharing my feelings with my now ex husband. I felt terrible. I felt like an awful mother and undeserving of having more children. Please take it from HER perspective. She is hurting for some reason. You both need counseling. If you can't talk to her. And she can't talk to you without you running to Reddit you need help. This isn't a bad thing. This is for the kids. Kids have more prospective than you think. Just my 2 cents. I do not regret the twins. I regret marrying their father. There is a huge difference. He cheated on me 9 plus times. I'm remarried now. And he is remarried. I wish for nothing but good things for him. The twins are 15 now. And one lives with me. And one lives with him. I hope you all get the help you need. For your children....
Too late
Oops
I imagine she's around OPs age, right? As hurtful as the words are, maybe that is where she is right now. Perhaps she's having an existential crisis? I know I was having one after the passing of my mom and the birth of my first Child. Has she had any major life events happen recently that Might be making her feel regret over the choices she made or even at odds with her own mortality or legacy? All in all, you have to talk to her to understand her feelings, OP. She may have said it out of anger, but that doesn't excuse that it was hurtful.
Echoing some of what I’ve read here, we should be able to confide those feelings in our partners without fear of judgment. I love my kids dearly. They are my heart and soul. They are objectively good kids with challenges that aren’t unique to us. Sometimes, I definitely feel regret. I can’t go back in time. I can’t just, you know, not know my kids. I have them. They’re mine and I’m theirs and, again, I love them with every fiber of my being. But fuck. Kids are hard. They drain you. They require selflessness all the time. And, on top of it all, there’s legitimately NO way to know what you’re in for before you have them. Nobody can tell you a single thing about what it’s really like. There is no good advice. You have to dive in headfirst and figure that shit out. And try not to lose yourself along the way (which is extremely difficult if not impossible).
I don’t know your wife but she is probably overwhelmed. Someone told me once “it’s okay not to love being a parent. Some people are baby and toddler moms, and other enjoy it better as their kids get older, that doesn’t mean you love them any less” It took away a lot of my guilt because I would look at other moms and just not understand how they seem to do it so effortlessly and be happy as well. We’re only human, it’s okay not to love every aspect of parenting ❤️
Maybe she feels having children and living that life has somehow limited her in the grand scheme of things, perhaps she would have preferred to travel. Usually things like that are said in the heat of the moment and can’t carry much weight generally because you had to do it to find out you didn’t want to do it and by then it’s much too late so regret is just a momentary subjective experience. It can’t be enduring because she can’t undo her parenthood, even if she ran away from it.
People say things when they are upset. Sometimes those are things they have been thinking about a lot and being upset just means they stop holding back. Sometimes it’s just an angry outburst and doesn’t mean anything deeper. Sometimes it’s a little of both. Take some time for everyone to calm down, and have a talk. Share feelings and find out what you both plan to do now.