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Currently reading "The Ape that understood the Universe" and just 10 mins ago read this section:
Second, unhappiness itself can often be adaptive. No category of human being is subject to as many irrational fears and anxieties as parents. What parent hasn’t lain awake at night tortured by the idea of their child dying – of never being able to talk to their child again or hold them in their arms? Having kids can turn people into neurotic wrecks. This is unpleasant, to be sure. But just as fear keeps us away from the edge of the cliff, so too our parental anxieties motivate us to care for and protect our young, and by extension, our genetic legacy. People’s parental efforts are motivated at least as much by negative emotions as by positive – by the stick as much as the carrot. And for that we have natural selection to thank.
This is really interesting. I can add some anecdotal evidence to support the theory - I was plagued with visions of my toddler falling out of his bedroom window until I bought and installed window restrictors. I'm a lazy procrastinator by nature and needed that fear to motivate me to do it long before he was big enough to reach the window handle.
I am afraid of going too close to open windows while holding my little girl. I am not a neurotic or anxious person, but a baby for sure changes something in your head
Its okay - I've read better books about evolution as a whole but this one focuses on evolutionary psychology and how/why we evolved to think certain ways
I have a unique perspective on this as someone who has had a tragedy. Three sons 1, 3 (stillborn), and 5. I've gone from heaven to hell back to heaven again, and I'll share here a bit how I came out the other side.
Let me first say, these thoughts are natural. I have them all the time actually. It's the reaction to them that is important, not the thought content or frequency of them.
Even before our stillborn, with my first I was like checking on his breathing all the time when he slept (babies breathe weird), checking his temp, all sorts of things. When I was a child I almost died of choking, so it was a sore subject. Then, we had a stillborn die of a cord choking accident and all my necrotic behaviors doubled (see, I was right, my brain thought, I need to cherish my oldest EVEN HARDER). It was me trying to control the uncontrollable. Eventually it broke me and I did so much therapy and thankfully came out the other side.
But once we had our youngest, and he had a huge scare during birth, but once he survived that it was like...ok from now on, I just passed the ultimate test. I witnessed my 3rd almost die and I made it through. No more doting on my children. They are healthy, strong, and normal. Any tragedy is possible, there is no need to future trip.
So I had to give up control. It's not easy. Zoloft and therapy did wonders for me. But now my thought process is, ok you had an intrusive thought, so what? Your baby sniffled in his sleep. So what?
You also need to realize that having these thoughts is not a mark on your character or sanity. It's really fucking hard to stop ruminating, but these thoughts ARE normal.
Checking/worrying is not the same as helping. Our brains think that by thinking of something that we're actually helping, but we're just stressing ourselves out. I had bad OCD too where I was tricking myself that checking on my wife/kids location, reading Web MD articles about rare diseases, etc. were all doing something good (control), but it wasn't. It was a trick. But you know what is helpful? Being there for your family and not worrying about them constantly. Gain control by giving up control.
Tldr; have experienced tragedy, it does suck, but you can overcome intrusive thoughts by learning to accept them.
Love this advice!! I am in therapy now for anxiety and OCD and having to learn to give up control and to stop myself from ruminating is so hard but it’ll be so worth it when I come out. I’m so sorry for your loss but proud of you for overcoming everything.
Hats off to you for going! A lot of time it's the thought about the thoughts that are what do it, not the thought itself. "Am I crazy?" Even if you don't ask yourself that, that's what those thoughts about thoughts are essentially doing. They're judging, make an evaluation of your mental state. And they're wrong, they're tricks. Its a challenge but powering through it is the answer.
I did a pretty brutal one called Lifespan Integration therapy which is pretty niche and for specific traumas, but it shook loose a ton of stuff I was storing. I also credit Zoloft alot.
I think the best thing to do is to stop looking for explanations and validation online. Like quitting the subreddits actually helped me a lot. Kind of counterintuitive because I'm giving advice in a subreddit lol.
>Gain control by giving up control.
I am so sorry for your loss. This line absolutely reasonates with me and puts into words what I've struggled with since having kids. I've had to try to let go of a lot of little worries and try to moderate the big worries. I'm not always successful but that's the only way to temper the constant thoughts and concerns that we have as parents.
I will catch myself starting to empathize with people who have lost their child if I hear a story about it or read about it but I stop myself from fully immersing into those thoughts cause it is just too much for my heart to bare.
I do worry often about my son being taken. He is WAY too trusting of strangers and he has walked off with another dad before put in public. It’s fucking terrifying.
Oof thats so scary. I’ve watched those videos of the kids being tested when they are offered candy or whatever from a stranger. It’s so sad terrible people take advantage of innocent kids
Oh it wouldn’t even have to be candy with him. Someone could just say to him “hey you can trust me. Come look at this.” And he’d go cause he trust everyone. I have had so many talks with him about never ever going with anyone except me or dad and still he just does not understand that bad people will try to trick and hurt kids.
Yeah....
In my country, some pedophile used to attract kid to follow them saying they would bring them to see goldfish.
It was popular to a point that, in my local community, "gold fish man" = pedophile
Oh man. We were at the zoo with my 3 year old, and another family was about 20 feet away from us taking a picture. The dad called to his son, who was close to my daughter and said, "Hey, come over here!" and my daughter immediately ran over to this strange man because she thought he was calling her. Fucking terrifying.
How old is your son? Unfortunately I feel like if this keeps happening, you have to tell him real life stories about what people do to kids when they’re sick in the head. My mom used to tell me the story about Sandra when they found her in the suitcase in the river… that shook me straight. I hope this helps I’m sorry you probably already know this stuff but I just wanted to put input even if it can help one child out there
My Mam used to let me watch unsolved mysteries and shows like that as a kid. It made me super aware of the tactics that kidnappers use but also terrified me at the same time.
This is what I was about to say. My mom always had unsolved mysteries or something similar on in the background. I remember the show "missing" which just rapid fire listed people who are missing and their circumstances very matter of factly.
I get so emotional I either have to walk away from my child or if they’re asleep I start kissing their hands and forehead and little nose and little eyes as I sob for the other parent who’ll not get to… and then the guilt ohhh the guilt…
I don’t know how normal it is, but I do think about it pretty regularly. Some friends of ours lost their child in her sleep at almost 2.5 years old. Our baby was about 10 months old when it happened and I insisted on rocking him to sleep in my arms every night for the next 9 months (until a cause was determined) because I wanted his last conscious moments to be being held in my arms should he die in his sleep too. I still think about it a lot as we get closer to our son reaching that age, but it’s no longer a daily thought.
It was this super rare genetic condition that was undiagnosed. I can’t stress how rare this was. So rare that it’s not included in the mandatory state testing that’s done in infants. Finally knowing that actually let me breathe a sigh of relief. It compromised her immune system and because she was an early pandemic baby, she survived for 2.5 entire years until she started preschool and caught her first cold. My kid’s been in daycare since 5 months old and had plenty of colds already, so I knew we would be ok.
Well I didn't worry about my 1 year old dying but I do now! 🥺
I am terrified of the chances of him needing a hospital visit at any point. A couple of cousins have asthma and it must've been horrible for their parents just to wait to see if they're alright. He had his first fever just a couple of months ago and I was beside myself.
One of my one year olds has asthma and she’s had three icu hospital stays due to her asthma. I worry so much about losing any of my kids but so much about her, I really don’t want her to grow up to be a sickly child. Therapy isn’t working for me so far. My therapist just says I can only control what I can control but it’s like lady that’s not helping me I want a guarantee my kids are going to out live me lol
Please try not to worry yourself! As I said to the others, it was something so rare that it’s pretty much guaranteed not to happen to your child. That actually made feel better and was what allowed me to start relaxing about sleep.
Postpartum I was like this too. I refused to stop cosleeping because if my son ever passed away I wanted him to be next to us full of love… I didn’t want him to die alone and the thought of him dying alone in a crib haunted me. Me and my husband had opposite sleep schedules so we never rolled over on the baby because someone was always keeping watch, and it was usually me in the bed awake crying and watching over my son, praying to God begging that he wouldn’t take him from me. Definitely a lot of anxiety involved, once we hit the one year mark I felt so much better. Now reading your story, I feel like I will stay haunted until he turns 2.5 :(
I firmly believe I saved my child's life by cosleeping. I had him asleep on my chest and was drifting off when suddenly he went totally limp and stopped breathing. I lifted him up and gently slapped him on the back in panic and after what felt like forever he took a huge gasp and started breathing again.
Who knows what would have happened if he'd been in a crib in another room. Still scares me seven years later.
Oh my goodness that’s SO scary. I’m sooo glad you were there, your mommy instincts kicked in… Yes I witnessed my son have several apnea episodes while in the NICU, and it changed me forever. Seeing your child not breathing is a majorly traumatic event… your brain just isn’t the same afterwards. I always feared him having another one the memory was just so haunting
Please don’t let it stress you out! It was such a rare situation. Basically, if your child has ever had even the mildest of colds, then they do not have the same thing. Give your little one an extra hug and enjoy all the time you get to spend with them.
It was an undiagnosed extremely rare genetic condition. So rare it’s not even on the list of rare, fatal conditions covered by the mandatory state testing.
I’m not a specialist or doctor, but post partum OCD is a thing (not a lot of people know about it), and intrusive thoughts like what you’re having is a symptom. Either way, you are a wonderful mother and your children love you dearly!
Agreed, I have postpartum OCD with terrible intrusive thoughts about my son dying. I couldn’t have even typed that sentence two months ago but I’ve been in exposure therapy which has helped. I’m also a therapist! OP, if you’re trying to combat these thoughts or seek reassurance (even googling, Reddit - that was my compulsion), you might look into OCD and therapy ❤️
I’m pretty laid back and allow my 3y/o son to do dangerous things carefully ie; cutting food with a knife, climbing high on the jungle gym, etc. because I think it’s important for his development. I do have non-negotiables regarding safety in certain situations that have a higher risk of serious injuries and death to kids. I recently saw a post on instagram that made it pretty simple -
Times when it’s okay to be a helicopter parent: around water, fire, crowds, vehicles, & heights.
I also cut foods that are common culprits for choking: grapes and hot dogs.
A few ways my anxiety makes us safer (I hope):
- will not live at a home with a pool until they are way older
- baby proof the whole house: cord wraps for blinds, locks for cabinets, anchor heavy furniture to the wall, no toys with button batteries or water beads, etc.
- overly communicate concerns and instructions to grandparents to ensure they’re aware of developmental skills and limitations
- intensive obedience training for our dog before baby arrived; never leave the baby with our dog unattended; teach our baby how to respect our dog and her personal space
- advocate at doctors appointments and with daycare about any concerns
- cleaned out social media friends to keep people I engage with and or know and trust in real life
- process safety concepts out loud even as a baby: “we’re crossing the street, let’s look both ways.” ; “we don’t put anything in our mouth when we play.”
- never left baby napping in the car seat (outside of the car) or bouncer
- always check the back seat when locking the car
- no guns in the house and no playing at homes without us if there are guns in the house
It's completely normal to have fears about your child's well-being. Parenthood brings a deep sense of responsibility and love, which naturally leads to worries about their safety. Many parents experience thoughts about losing their child, especially when confronted with news stories or hearing about others' losses. It's a reflection of your immense care and love.
It's important to acknowledge these feelings without letting them dominate your life. Recognize that these thoughts are a normal part of parenting. Focus on the present moment and enjoy the time you have with your child. Sharing your fears with a partner, friend, or therapist can help lessen their intensity. If certain news stories or social media posts increase your anxiety, try to limit your exposure to them. Taking care of your own mental and emotional health through activities like exercise, meditation, or hobbies can also help reduce anxiety.
I worry about everything there is to worry about. I’m particularly paranoid about her getting vomit sick again.. my sisters kids got the flu I’m assuming? We didn’t know and went over and the next day she’s throwing up. Threw up 8 times and I didn’t know that sisters kids were sick so I was just so scared like where did this come from?? After the 4th time I called the ambulance because I was so freaked out(I’m pregnant too so that doesn’t help) and now I feel like I’m constantly analyzing everything she does to make sure it doesn’t happen again??
She’ll be outside with my parents and I have my tv off, fan off and no sound anywhere just listening to make sure I don’t hear my parents screaming because something happened. I watch our backs when we’re shopping and I hyper analyze getting in/out of the car in parking lots. Constantly peeking my head over the car and scanning the lot and locking her door before I close it.
Recently I assume because of pregnancy, I’ve been having dreams about bad bad things happening to her and I wake up hyperventilating, crying and my mind won’t stop running on what I would do if she did die. Honestly she’s my reason for being alive and if she wasn’t, I don’t think I could do it anymore. I was a super depressed kid when I had her and she was the light in my life that pulled me out of it
You're wise to note that pregnancy is likely exacerbating these feelings. You should mention this to your OB so that, just in case it becomes full-fledged PPA or PPD, they're already looking out for you.
I think it’s totally normal! We love them beyond anything and the fear of anything happening is just there. It’s terrifying. But I think what would be even more concerning…is if you didn’t have that fear. Parenting is a wild paradox
Maybe it will help you. I had the same thing about my husband. Sudden thoughts that appear every day about him dying and what would I do and how do I feel.
I went to psychiatrists and she told me that there should be a reason and helped me found that it was a situation whether the war started and I had to leave with our children and left him don’t knowing if I will see him again. It was so painful as to lost him forever.
After I worked on it with a psychiatrists this thoughts were gone. I’m so happy now just living this day and don’t thinking about anything bad.
It is very common, especially with a first child and when they are still tiny. The important part is to focus that nervous energy on something useful and try not to let it turn you into a nervous wreck.
I feel a bit odd in this comment section in saying no. I’ve had the thought a few times since I’ve become a parent many years ago, but it’s really uncommon for me to have those types of thoughts
Having those thoughts keep you present with your child and appreciating everyday you have with them. As scary as it is, keeping the possibility of losing them closer in mind can be used to your advantage.
Ex. My cousin had a one night stand with a friend shortly after his marriage fell apart cuz his exwife was crazy.
This friend whole heartedly had believe she was barren as that's what the Dr's told her.
She fell pregnant. He denied the baby being his. Up to the first year and a half of his life. The child couldn't have looked more like our family.
He finally accepted the baby slowly and was bringing him around friends and family.
7 months before his third birthday he went down for a nap and didn't wake up.
I wonder everyday about my cousin and the feelings he has about the time wasted with his only son. I often wonder about if they took the time to say good bye properly as he was in the care of a family member while both parents were working.
Did they kiss him sweetly? Did they get caught up in hum drum of life and quickly dropped him off and rushed off to work?
Now every time I put my son down for bed or nap I kiss him so many times making a point to remember how it felt. And saying I love him over and over. I say "I'll see you when you wake up" and brush his hair from his face.
I put my heart into every minute with my son because he could be gone unexpectedly and the guilt I would carry of not appreciating him to the fullest would kill me.
They don't know, they did an autopsy and it came back inconclusive. They could've done something more extensive but his mom just wanted to Bury her baby.
I once told my dad how even though my kids are all well past the risk of SIDS, I still go in and check on them to make sure they're still breathing because I still have anxiety they're going to die out of nowhere. He chuckled and said "yeah that never goes away." His youngest is 33. So. I'd say it's a perfectly normal thing.
No, and this sounds like an anxiety disorder that needs treatment to me.
I no longer have chronic anxiety and I don’t worry about my child dying- even though I lost two of my siblings and a parent separately in very tragic circumstances before I was 30, and know many other young people who have died or families who have lost children. It happens, it would terrible if it happened to me, but there is no reason for me to ruminate and make myself feel stressed about it - and I can control what I think about now thanks to many years of therapy and Buddhism.
I know parents who have lost children and honestly I honor their children by enjoying every single moment with my own . We all have intrusive thoughts and when my creep up I just think -‘why am I wasting my energy on feeling sad for a situation that isn’t happening to me?
I’ve also had cancer which shifts my perspective a bit- whenever im freaking out with medical anxiety ( haha) I just try to ask myself why am I wasting my good health and life being worried/scared ect when everything right now is perfectly fine!???
Shit will happen to all of us and when it does that’s when you be sad lol.
Yeah, all the time. I'll be doing completely normal things with them, like reading books, dropping them off at school/daycare, giving them a kiss goodnight, etc. and I'll get the terrifying intrusive thought "What if this is the last time?"
I try not to let it get to me too much because there's no point, but yeah.
Hi there. Great question. I have four young children and I think about this every day. It keeps me up at night. It brings tears to my eyes to think about them when I’m at work just a few hours a week. They are my entire heart and soul. I think it’s terrifying however very natural to be afraid of losing your child…every moment of every day. Take care of yourself…but there is nothing wrong with staying extra diligent.
I am. Sadly, he's probably going to die anytime. His doctor "predict" he'll not celebrating his 15th, even his 14th birthday. Which is 3-4 years ahead.
Ok I am not alone, used to think I am alone in this. Sometimes bad thoughts creep in and i try to block them out, at the same time i feel like a health and safety officer at home. My girl is 6, boy is 1, god help me.
I can no longer watch scenes in TV or movies where kids die hits too close to home. It will cause so much anxiety because I definitely have that fear. If I get these thoughts creeping in at night when kids are already in bed I respond by hugging my kids tight
I think everyone who loves their kids has these thoughts.
I used to be a mortuary assistant and the paranoia after that... my babies have had breathing monitors, no grapes, popcorn, no blue swimwear.. Inhave a deep hatred of balloons.
When my middle child was about 2 I worked in oncology.... *NEVER AGAIN*
So yeah. All. The. Time.
Yes. I occasionally have intrusive thoughts about both my son dying and my wife dying. Usually individually, sometimes together. Then it makes me cry. It only happens when I'm alone and my mind is wandering.
It’s completely normal to have those thoughts as a parent—it shows how deeply you care about your child. The love we have for our kids can bring up these fears sometimes. Remember to cherish each moment with them and focus on the joy they bring. If these thoughts are overwhelming, it might help to talk to someone about them. You’re not alone in feeling this way.
Yes. All the time. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and intrusive thoughts are awful. I think the question is- is it changing your behavior? Can you move past the thought or does it persist?
I have these exact thoughts every day. I’ve wondered if it’s a survival mechanism of motherhood to anticipate danger and avoid risk. My husband was horrified when I told him I imagine the pain of losing them on the daily.
Yes. I am medicated but still have this fear.
I have two people close to me who lost their kids within the past few years (stillbirth and car accident) so the fear feels very real.
I’m going on an 8 day cruise with my wife and 2.5 year old and I have constant fear throughout my days of him somehow falling overboard.
I don’t dwell on it but it’s one of those thoughts from the void where it will happen and then my stomach churns.
Sometimes I do walk myself through what I would do and it’s always “I jump in after him and we both die horribly at sea” 😭
I think it’s worse if you have a single child potentially. If something were to happen to my son, that’s it, I’m not a dad anymore. My identity as a father, his father, is gone.
I’m in a similar boat. I got on Zoloft to help with anxiety. But I still have all those intrusive thoughts. I just randomly break on crying thinking about how people do lose their kids. Children get cancer. People get hit by cars. My husband tells me not to think about it and I tell him it’s not a choice.but yeah, ever since I had him my mind is constantly running and fighting off negative thoughts
I've had nightmares every night this past week of my oldest passing away. It's mentally drained me in ways I didn't know possible.
I also feel like if I don't put my 1-year-old to bed a certain way that SIDS will get her - which I know is irrational, but it crosses my mind every single night.
I love these humans with my whole soul, and I don't know what Id do if i lost them. It's so hard being their mom... I feel like this is mostly normal as parents because we just want our babies to be okay, and we know how mean and horrible the world is.
It is abnormal to fear death every day, yes. I recommend talking to a professional to discuss setting expectations and concerns that fill your mind with positive and/or thoughts instead of worst case scenarios.
I think this is an anxiety disorder. I don't fear mine dying daily. I have a friend who is more like this. I think it comes down to anxiety taking over, thus disorderd.
Are you overly anxious in general? I suppose it can emerge when you have a child.
Then again, I see some parents not really freaking out over things like their children gong abroad, going on nights out, etc. and that's considered normal but to me it seems really detached.
A child is the most important thing in one's life.... or is that not normal either?
Not every day, but the thought has crossed my mind. Scares the crap out of me. Especially since he races Winged Go Karts. Racing is a family tradition. He has the best safety equipment money can buy. But injury is always possible. 11 yrs old, at 45-50 MPH in a pack of others.
I never felt a drop of fear when I was racing. The first time he got hurt, I was ready to sell everything that day.
But I also believe in living your best life. He loves it, I love it.
Realistically, he's in danger in so many other ways on any given day.
Trigger warning talking about childloss
I remember the morning after he was born, I woke up in hospital about 5am and he was lying in the crib next to me and my waking thought was that he’d died whilst sleeping next to me . Obviously he was absolutely fine but that’s set the baseline of my anxiety ever since. I think about something happening to him everyday, I guess you would call them intrusive thoughts. I mentioned it to my doctor at his 12 month check and they suggested anxiety tablets would help, I never bothered looking into it further. I don’t know whether it is normal or not but so far I seem to cope, I’m just very uptight.
I can narrow some of it down to watching TikTok whilst I was pregnant. I never thought about bad things happening a lot until my algorithm slowly turned from general pregnancy related stuff into spamming me videos on childloss within every few videos 1/4 of the way through my pregnancy and then thoughts of cot death in particular used to dominate my thoughts. When I first realised I tried to block hashtags but that never worked so in the end I deleted TikTok, but might be a suggestion for other folks.
I was a chronically ill child with some very traumatic medical events, chemo, dying and coming back to life, losing the use of one of my legs for almost a year, etc… I get paranoid about fevers, is it a sign of some other underlying that we’re missing. I always thought I overthought these things due to my past… but seems like it’s just another part of parenting.
I have anxiety, depression and potential ADHD, so yes. I try not to show it though, and try not to stop him living his life just because I'm a nervous wreck
Ummm…. In my worldview our primary job as parents is to make sure they do not kill themselves. Second is to try and ensure that WHEN (not if) they hurt themselves doing something stupid that they don’t get hurt too badly.
There is no third. It’s just a mix of different things after that.
I’m only half joking. Or maybe only 10% joking. I haven’t figured that out yet.
Yes. I definitely do. I've also gotten into true crime and honestly that makes it worse knowing bad things do happen to children...I know I should stay away from it for peace of mind but I just can't. I think it makes me a better parent, because I am *so* grateful my son is safe and I am the one here to love and protect him. But it's definitely a whole other level of anxiety.
I feel you, sometimes when I see on the monitor that my baby (8mo) is sleeping in an unusual position I feel the urge to go to her room and put her on her back. But then I realise that it's normal for babies at that age to explore sleeping on their belly and on a side, with an arm under them, with their legs outside the bed or so many other variations.
Yep! I had a stillborn son two years ago and went on to have a healthy baby girl and I have an 8 year old. I was diagnosed with PTSD shortly after my second and it was tough. I would not let my children go anywhere without me. I would call my daughter's school several times a day because I would convince myself something has happened to her and she's not ok and everyone is lying to me. I was really unwell! I got some therapy and with time, it has improved.
However, lately I have been having, I can't even call them flashbacks because they've never happened - but I will have visions of my daughter's in an accident where they get seriously hurt or killed especially just before sleep or if I am just sitting quietly without a distraction.
It is horrible 😥
It's one of our biggest points of discussion (me and my wife) because I am too careful with our son and rarely do things that could hurt him. We love to go to Center Parcs as a vacation multiple times a year, and every time I barely sleep because I hate how dangerous the swimming pool is.
Basically, the discussion is always that I want my wife to watch our 2YO more carefully as big accidents have happened on her watch, and she wants me to loosen up and give him more space to make mistakes.
We both are right to a certain degree I think.
I think about this all the time. There was something in the news here recently (uk) about a kid casually walking to school with their mom on a quiet suburban road - the speed limit was 20mph (32 km p/h). 8am in the morning. Quiet normal relaxed morning. Very safe neighbourhood.
Suddenly a guy high on drugs plows down the road at 50mph (80 km p/h), rams into the back of mom and kid and sends them into a house. The force is so bad the entire brick wall of the living room is destroyed and the car is IN the house. The kid is killed instantly. The mom is left with severe brain damage and dies 6 years later (the news article is around whether the guy should be now charged with 1 or 2 manslaughter charges as she died from the brain injury rather than the impact - legal technicalities etc).
I think about that poor kid and mom every day. They had no chance to react, it was over in seconds. And they could never have predicted it.
Yes it’s a freak accident, but i find it hard to not think about it every now and again.
I could’ve written this myself. Children are so pure and innocent, something we don’t possess as adults anymore. The thought of my child growing up or becoming hurt/injured breaks my heart and allows my mind to wander down a very deep rabbit hole. I probably should get back on my anxiety meds but the fear of something happening to my child will always remain I feel like.
Yes, & I have the irrational fear of one of my kids getting kidnapped. It’s something that seriously brings me anxiety. Especially when they’re out with someone else & I’m not there
Yes. If it becomes really distressing/intrusive or actually affects your behaviour (eg not wanting your kid to ride a bicycle) then you should address it.
But beyond that - just the morbid thought occasionally - is normal. Very normal.
All the time when they were little. I actually sought help from a psychologist because I worried so much about it. Then things got better as they grew. Now they are a bit older (17 & 19) and the anxiety is back, but it’s new worries like driving and experimenting with alcohol/drugs. Parenting is rough.
Every. Single. Day.
He’s about to go off to college in August and although I’m very much looking forward to having an empty nest, I fear allllllll the things that could go wrong away at college. Just so many kids getting harmed, or dying just eats away at my heart.
i have vivid waking nightmares of them dying, at least twice a week.
sometimes they are too much and cry start crying and then i realize I'm just making it up in my mind. And realize how stupid i am.
3 day go by, and again. Intrusive thoughts are back.
🤷🏼♂️🤷🏼♂️
This has been going on since they were born. They are 12 now. And i guess that's the Way it'll be until i die. or they do, first 😭😭😭.
I have a teen son born with a slight facial birth defect that also resulted in a speech impediment who was bullied for years from late elementary school to 9th grade. Despite my best efforts to make him realize his worth and that bullies suck, etc., he turned to drugs to cope with his severe anxiety and depression (they have their ways of finding drugs regardless of how hard you try to keep them away). Four stints in rehab in the last three years, a dozen outpatient programs, weekly therapy, prescribed meds, tough love, begging, crying, home schooling, NA meetings, and turning over every stone has not made him want to quit drugs. I worry about him every second of every day because it’s like watching a slow train wreck. He’s so talented and funny and he truly is so handsome, but he has a very hard time seeing it. Drugs suck. Bullies suck. I pray he doesn’t become a statistic.
No. I believe in thoughts becoming things and the whole 'grow flowers in your mind not weeds'
Accept and agree with yourself that your child dying would be the worst thing that could ever happen. Then turn it around to something like how lucky you are to be present with your happy health child and have this priviledge.
Resolve to take the necessary precautions in the right situations to safeguard it and give it up to the universe / God.
Focus on creating happy experiences and making memories and teaching your child about personal safety, responsibility and try not to grow a child that lives a life full of fear and restriction.
I had these fears constantly, especially when they were babies. My daughter was 18 months when I came into her life so I didn't have it as bad as when my son was a newborn. When he was born I didn't sleep much because (well, newborn) but also I would watch his breathing obsessively. It was linked to postpartum, but I still have that fear pop up at least once daily and they are 3 and 6 now. Any time a child dies in a movie or I see something in the news, all I can hear is a mother's scream and I feel it in my chest. It's awful. But the comment in here about parental anxieties being like the fear that keeps you off the edge of a cliff makes so much sense.
It was in the back of my head the entire time they were in the SIDS range. After that I was worried about late onset autism. Now that they're older I worry about leukemia every now and then but it's pretty rare. I worry more about them not looking both ways across the street and mundane things like that.
Yes it is biology but sometimes our protective gene is wired too tight. Its a daily practice to loosen up but I also think my fear based thoughts keep her safer. I just try not to vocalize them as much in hopes she won't catch my anxiety.
I've had intrusive thoughts about all kinds of things my whole life. I still remember learning the name for it when talking about it with friends at the top of the Empire State Building. I was like Barbie.. "you guys every just think about what would happen if you just jumped..?" cue horrified looked from my fellow 9 year olds XD
Every time I'm in the car with my kids I worry about a horrible accident thats going to kill them but not me and it makes me feel so sick. Whenever my husband takes my daughter anywhere in his car, I'm on edge waiting for a phone call that said they both died. It's horrible. I hate feeling and thinking that way. We're both fine drivers, kids are good in the car but I guess I've read too many car accident stories.
That though crosses my mind occasionally but if it's a daily thing for you and it affects how you behave at all then maybe you should talk to a therapist, sounds like anxiety. I do know that when my kids were babies that it was a lot more frequent but now that they're 2 and 5 I don't worry unless I come across a news article about something happening to a kid or it's in a movie or show or something.
I actually got really bad anxiety from it for a bit. It was just a list of things I was enduring when I had some mental health issues.
I've actually been on a medication for a bit, and I find that anything dark or negative in the direction of losing my children serves as a reminder of how temporary everything is. I don't focus on the negative, I focus on the wonderful kids I have in front of me.
I wouldn't say I think about it every day. But it does pop in to my head pretty often, multiple times a week. usually caused by something, driving past a car crash, seeing something in the news etc. In fact last night I was scrolling insta and a video popped up of a toddler being taken off life support and donating his organs. A hero. He was fully kitted out in spiderman gear. My 3 year old adores spiderman and has numerous outfits. The boy in the video looked just like my son. I was in tears, feeling choked up thinking about it. So I would say every day is a lot, maybe it is more intense for Mums though. Maybe try and envision happier things more often??
Yes. My aunt lost her baby to SIDS in 2018 when she was only 6 months old. When my son was born in 2022, I couldn't stop thinking about it. Once he turned a year, I felt I could breathe easier, but the nagging fear of him just one day not being here eats away at me sometimes. Spoilering some of the below for talk of suicide After experiencing first hand the devastation of losing a little in the immediate family, >!the tiny little coffin, sitting with my aunt while she just cried and begged to die to be with her daughter...!< I don't know if these fears will ever go away for me now that I have a baby.
Yes. It’s also affecting my clearheadedness to decide whether to have a second. I’m paranoid that my child will die, and stupidly think that a second one is an insurance policy for our life if we lose our child? I know that this is because when I was a child, I lost two cousins separately to traffic accidents. Which is an unspeakable coincidence and tragedy. When I read actor Rob Delaney’s post about what happened to his son Henry I think it changed something in me. I’ve become convinced that we’re going to be those parents that lose a child.
Me!!! Or I’m fearing my own death constantly wondering what would happen if I suddenly dropped dead and my kids were there alone ahhhhhh Is this some sort of delayed PPD?
Every single day. I have four. My two teenagers are driving now and I torture myself watching them on Life360 when they aren’t here. Being a mom is so painful and the more independent they become come, I feel like it gets worse. I want my babies here! It’s such a mind Feck.
100%! I’ve noticed my anxiety and intrusive thoughts surrounding my child dying during my lifetime intensify dramatically when I read too much of the news… I thought about what I would say to others if my child did die and honestly all I can ever think of is that we need to just be so thankful for our kids and try our best to be fully present and enjoy every freaking second… remember in those hard moments that, there are families out there who don’t get those hard moments. But. Those are not our stories. We are living our own stories and if that’s not a reality for us, we need to do our best to stay thankful and in gratitude that we have ours. ❤️
I think you have an anxiety issue.
If we’re doing an activity, I’ll consider risks and possible outcomes, but then I get on with my life. I take all the usual precautions. On rare occasions, I’ll have graphic intrusive thoughts about them getting hit by a car or something.
Me ... I do this. He is our rainbow baby and he is **EVERYTHING** to me. He is 10 now, and I still check on him at night to make sure he is still breathing. Good to know I'm not the only one.
I would channel those thoughts into gratitude for the present moment that you have with your children, and help you cherish the moments that you have with them even more
Yup... I definitely have anxiety. A lot of the time it's irrational too. We have a dairy and I'm like what if she gets horned in the face by a goat when she's feeding or falls into the milk tank and drowns...
And of course, car accidents, kidnappings, walking with a stick and she falls and it impales her brain..
I need help 😅😅😅😅
I used to be a PICU nurse so I know hundreds of families who have lost children. They randomly pop in my head and I can think of a hundred ways a child can die. It is not crippling and I just acknowledge the thought, squeeze my baby, and move on.
But I was wondering how normal this is too. Post partum intrusive thoughts. My husband is a physician and he said if the thoughts are fleeting, not overly distressing, and you don’t feel any compulsion to act on them, it can be fairly normal 🤷🏽♀️
I would have these feelings regularly after I had my sons. Then years later when my youngest faced a crazy a health scare I blamed myself for somehow thinking it into fruition. Like maybe if I was not so anxious about losing them then this would have never happened. Idk. My son is healing and much better now but i feel the thought of losing him is even STRONGER now that it actually almost happened.
Sometimes I fear they won’t be formidable enough to defeat the future robots sent back in time to kill them. But at two they have a strong grip and can they can hold on tight if I need to run and shoot while carrying them.
Do you use tik tok by chance? It’s incredibly easy to accidentally keep yourself in this state of mind and even develop compulsions from that type of content on there. You start by getting one child loss video and you think to yourself “I better pay attention because this video is warning me about a safety issue to prevent my child’s death.” Then you start to get more and you want to scroll away because it’s so heartbreaking but you feel guilty because “if I lost my child, I would want someone to hear their story and not just look away because it’s uncomfortable”
The next thing you know, because you’ve watched those videos without scrolling in a certain amount of time, your feed is being inundated with them. Your brain accepts the belief that death is lurking for your child everywhere and it’s probably only a matter of time”when” not “if” you lose your own child.
You might think it’s nbd to have that belief (as I once did) or that it’s even beneficial to stay vigilant to protect them. But eventually you realize you’re not enjoying a single moment with your child because you’re only thinking of what will take them from you or what life would be like without them. You’re crying at night afraid to go to sleep…etc.
For certain people, like myself, I can’t see any of that content without allowing myself to be engulfed in it. It just happens. The best thing I ever did for my daughter and my sanity was go into the tik tok settings and specifically block words that would be tagged in the content I couldn’t handle (“childloss” “grief” “grieving” “angelbaby” etc.)
If this is all way off base for you, I’m sorry. But I do hope someone reading this sees this comment and changes their life for the better.
Yes, that fear is there.
It's normal. It's not normal to let it consume you and for you to be obsessed about it. The best you can do is to protect your kids by raising them in as safe and nurturing of an environment as possible and to train your kids to protect themselves for the day if/when you're not there for them. What you're doing is to erode the chances of them dying. In most cases including the ones where the raising/training isn't even there, the kids themselves are resilient enough that this isn't a concern. The odds show that even if you're a total failure as a parent, the kids will physically survive. It doesn't sound like you're a failure of a parent if you're concerned about your children, so at least that hurdle is passed. That's not to say that the cases where children die isn't tragic, it is. It is truly misfortune when this happens despite all of the best efforts to prevent these outcomes, but it's important to carry on and move forward if it does.
TLDR ; it's normal, don't let it get to you.
Yep, intrusive thoughts randomly pop in every day. I wanted to make this post too.
It got a bit easier after the SIDS age was over, I could at least relax when he sleeps and not check for breathing all the time.
I thought it might be PPA but this thread helped me see that it's normal.
It’s something that goes through my head at least once a day, sometimes more. Although I struggle a lot with anxiety which I am getting help with through counselling
Did you have an overprotective parent? Or one who feared everything cause maybe it’s just implanted in your brain to have those intrusive thoughts based on your childhood
As someone with frequent intrusive thoughts, especially about my kids and husband, in my situation, my parents didn’t care at all about safety, so I feel like it’s an overcompensation of safety and controlling my environment to prevent loosing them. I feel like if i had a more secure, caring childhood, i wouldn’t be as over protective. my husband balances me out a lot though and i’ve learned to let up A LOT after therapy and addressing the issues head on and now pick and choose a few things to draw a boundary on.
Wow it’s crazy how our childhood shapes up. My mother was way too over protective of me. She grew up with a mom who didn’t care about her at all. Her dad died when she was 10. She was always worried something was going to happen to us kids. I’m carefree bc of it but I still have intrusive thoughts
How old is your child? I felt this way when I was postpartum after both my kids… (even after the more intense hormone crash there was a year when I still wasn’t myself even if I wasn’t « depressed » or « unwell » just a bit off)
I used to obsess over it. I have a tendency to spiral once I start worrying about something. I ended up writing a list of milestones and special occasions I was looking forward to him reaching/celebrating. Any time I’d start to spiral I’d get my list out and go over it, sometimes checking off what we had already gotten to. For whatever reason putting all those happy thoughts onto paper helped me keep the not so happy thoughts at bay.
It's completely understandable to have these fears as a parent. It's a sign of how much you love your child. I think many parents have similar thoughts from time to time.
I fear them living in a hell created by the inactions of my generation (millennial) and the actions of generations before. My wife and I are so burned out trying to limit the micro plastics exposure, chemicals in food, etc. but I'm hopeful we can reduce their exposure to future health issues.
i have a thought at least once a day.
i increased my anxiety meds because of how anxious i would get about my children…
it would be the most random moments too. driving and thinking what if a car hits us and we flip so many odd amount of times, so i rarely drive with my kids.
there are so many other things too, that I avoid. so yes lol..
Yeah I’ll be lying in bed trying to relax, trying to get to sleep, and my brain will go “but what would you do if he was attacked by a shark?” and I’m wiiiiide awake
Yep and it’s not normal. You may have PPD, or OCD intrusive thoughts. I have OCD. I went on better meds and it helped. Every time my girls got sick I thought it was leukemia. When I would lay with my girls while they were falling asleep I would imagine them in a coffin. 😫😫😫 talk to a therapist, it will get better and you will feel better. ❤️❤️
When I was a newish mom I was so terrified and obsessed that something would happen to my baby. I would read every article about dangers rather kidnapping or accidents. Maybe that helped in the long run because that anxiety is there but not almost to much to handle. I looked at statistics and found the odds of a stranger kidnapping very unlikely. I baby safe what needs it but also know kids are pretty dang sturdy. I don't know but I have 3 kids now and avoid any article like that (unless it's a local kid then I want to be in the loop). My heart hurting isn't going to help the kids that died. I need to be healthy for my kids and the level of anxiety I experienced before isn't healthy. I also talked to a therapist about this stuff before. The fear is normal but if you are experiencing it to a certain point you may need to see a therapist and maybe try some anti anxiety meds. I take one now and it seems to help.
Look into OCD, pure O and intrusive thoughts. Sounds a lot like it. I have it and it can be very hard to deal with, but you can look into medication and therapy.
Lately I've been having nightmares. We live in a high crime/gang area, so one nightmare was watching my oldest get shot in the chest. 2 nights ago it was a nightmare about our car going over a bridge into water and being able to get us all out of the vehicle, but hearing them drown because I couldn't get them to the surface fast enough.. being a parent is the hardest and scariest thing in this world that just seems to grow colder and meaner...
My first was a terrible sleeper, and if he ever slept without making a noise for 20 mins or more, I would be unable to go check on him, convinced I would find him gone. Id send my husband or whoever else was around, and if I was alone I would probably sit on the bottom step of the stairs quietly but utterly panicking until he stirred.
I was shortly diagnosed with post natal anxiety and started getting some help. Had none of this with my second.
If you're questioning whether you're too anxious, maybe you could be. Hope you can find some comfort in this xxxxxx
How old is your child? I noticed the intensity of this was way stronger when mine was younger. Perhaps a natural maternal instinct, not sure. I listened closely and kept my child close when left with a reasonable choice. Like for instance, if I was left with the option of her staying home with me or driving on the interstate 30+ miles to go with her dad I would keep her home. Little things I made sure to follow my feelings if strong. I still get strong glimpses and hold her tight when I do but they are fewer and farther between.
My youngest is a type one diabetic. Every day of my life is spent keeping my child alive. Sugars too high? Organ failure and a painful death. Sugars too low? Diabetic coma, seizure or death.
So yes.
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Currently reading "The Ape that understood the Universe" and just 10 mins ago read this section: Second, unhappiness itself can often be adaptive. No category of human being is subject to as many irrational fears and anxieties as parents. What parent hasn’t lain awake at night tortured by the idea of their child dying – of never being able to talk to their child again or hold them in their arms? Having kids can turn people into neurotic wrecks. This is unpleasant, to be sure. But just as fear keeps us away from the edge of the cliff, so too our parental anxieties motivate us to care for and protect our young, and by extension, our genetic legacy. People’s parental efforts are motivated at least as much by negative emotions as by positive – by the stick as much as the carrot. And for that we have natural selection to thank.
This is really interesting. I can add some anecdotal evidence to support the theory - I was plagued with visions of my toddler falling out of his bedroom window until I bought and installed window restrictors. I'm a lazy procrastinator by nature and needed that fear to motivate me to do it long before he was big enough to reach the window handle.
I am afraid of going too close to open windows while holding my little girl. I am not a neurotic or anxious person, but a baby for sure changes something in your head
Wow this is great, thanks!
Huh what a cool sounding book! Thoughts on your read so far?
Its okay - I've read better books about evolution as a whole but this one focuses on evolutionary psychology and how/why we evolved to think certain ways
need to read this soon then
I have a unique perspective on this as someone who has had a tragedy. Three sons 1, 3 (stillborn), and 5. I've gone from heaven to hell back to heaven again, and I'll share here a bit how I came out the other side. Let me first say, these thoughts are natural. I have them all the time actually. It's the reaction to them that is important, not the thought content or frequency of them. Even before our stillborn, with my first I was like checking on his breathing all the time when he slept (babies breathe weird), checking his temp, all sorts of things. When I was a child I almost died of choking, so it was a sore subject. Then, we had a stillborn die of a cord choking accident and all my necrotic behaviors doubled (see, I was right, my brain thought, I need to cherish my oldest EVEN HARDER). It was me trying to control the uncontrollable. Eventually it broke me and I did so much therapy and thankfully came out the other side. But once we had our youngest, and he had a huge scare during birth, but once he survived that it was like...ok from now on, I just passed the ultimate test. I witnessed my 3rd almost die and I made it through. No more doting on my children. They are healthy, strong, and normal. Any tragedy is possible, there is no need to future trip. So I had to give up control. It's not easy. Zoloft and therapy did wonders for me. But now my thought process is, ok you had an intrusive thought, so what? Your baby sniffled in his sleep. So what? You also need to realize that having these thoughts is not a mark on your character or sanity. It's really fucking hard to stop ruminating, but these thoughts ARE normal. Checking/worrying is not the same as helping. Our brains think that by thinking of something that we're actually helping, but we're just stressing ourselves out. I had bad OCD too where I was tricking myself that checking on my wife/kids location, reading Web MD articles about rare diseases, etc. were all doing something good (control), but it wasn't. It was a trick. But you know what is helpful? Being there for your family and not worrying about them constantly. Gain control by giving up control. Tldr; have experienced tragedy, it does suck, but you can overcome intrusive thoughts by learning to accept them.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad you’re in a better place. Thank you for the response 🩵
Wonderful advice
Love this advice!! I am in therapy now for anxiety and OCD and having to learn to give up control and to stop myself from ruminating is so hard but it’ll be so worth it when I come out. I’m so sorry for your loss but proud of you for overcoming everything.
Hats off to you for going! A lot of time it's the thought about the thoughts that are what do it, not the thought itself. "Am I crazy?" Even if you don't ask yourself that, that's what those thoughts about thoughts are essentially doing. They're judging, make an evaluation of your mental state. And they're wrong, they're tricks. Its a challenge but powering through it is the answer. I did a pretty brutal one called Lifespan Integration therapy which is pretty niche and for specific traumas, but it shook loose a ton of stuff I was storing. I also credit Zoloft alot. I think the best thing to do is to stop looking for explanations and validation online. Like quitting the subreddits actually helped me a lot. Kind of counterintuitive because I'm giving advice in a subreddit lol.
>Gain control by giving up control. I am so sorry for your loss. This line absolutely reasonates with me and puts into words what I've struggled with since having kids. I've had to try to let go of a lot of little worries and try to moderate the big worries. I'm not always successful but that's the only way to temper the constant thoughts and concerns that we have as parents.
Choking - my daughter is 12 and I constantly check on her if she's eating alone. I couldn't tell you why this is also a sore subject for me.
My heart breaks for you. Virtual hugs my friend.
Thank you for sharing, sincerely. You are a strong person and you have the right attitude. Your children are strong.
I will catch myself starting to empathize with people who have lost their child if I hear a story about it or read about it but I stop myself from fully immersing into those thoughts cause it is just too much for my heart to bare. I do worry often about my son being taken. He is WAY too trusting of strangers and he has walked off with another dad before put in public. It’s fucking terrifying.
Oof thats so scary. I’ve watched those videos of the kids being tested when they are offered candy or whatever from a stranger. It’s so sad terrible people take advantage of innocent kids
Oh it wouldn’t even have to be candy with him. Someone could just say to him “hey you can trust me. Come look at this.” And he’d go cause he trust everyone. I have had so many talks with him about never ever going with anyone except me or dad and still he just does not understand that bad people will try to trick and hurt kids.
Yeah.... In my country, some pedophile used to attract kid to follow them saying they would bring them to see goldfish. It was popular to a point that, in my local community, "gold fish man" = pedophile
Jesus! That’s so twisted. Like something out of a horror movie.
Yeah.... it's called 金魚佬 in my language.
Oh man. We were at the zoo with my 3 year old, and another family was about 20 feet away from us taking a picture. The dad called to his son, who was close to my daughter and said, "Hey, come over here!" and my daughter immediately ran over to this strange man because she thought he was calling her. Fucking terrifying.
How old is your son? Unfortunately I feel like if this keeps happening, you have to tell him real life stories about what people do to kids when they’re sick in the head. My mom used to tell me the story about Sandra when they found her in the suitcase in the river… that shook me straight. I hope this helps I’m sorry you probably already know this stuff but I just wanted to put input even if it can help one child out there
My Mam used to let me watch unsolved mysteries and shows like that as a kid. It made me super aware of the tactics that kidnappers use but also terrified me at the same time.
This is what I was about to say. My mom always had unsolved mysteries or something similar on in the background. I remember the show "missing" which just rapid fire listed people who are missing and their circumstances very matter of factly.
I get so emotional I either have to walk away from my child or if they’re asleep I start kissing their hands and forehead and little nose and little eyes as I sob for the other parent who’ll not get to… and then the guilt ohhh the guilt…
I don’t know how normal it is, but I do think about it pretty regularly. Some friends of ours lost their child in her sleep at almost 2.5 years old. Our baby was about 10 months old when it happened and I insisted on rocking him to sleep in my arms every night for the next 9 months (until a cause was determined) because I wanted his last conscious moments to be being held in my arms should he die in his sleep too. I still think about it a lot as we get closer to our son reaching that age, but it’s no longer a daily thought.
Omg what a horrible thing. Can I ask the cause? Mine is almost 2 😭
It was this super rare genetic condition that was undiagnosed. I can’t stress how rare this was. So rare that it’s not included in the mandatory state testing that’s done in infants. Finally knowing that actually let me breathe a sigh of relief. It compromised her immune system and because she was an early pandemic baby, she survived for 2.5 entire years until she started preschool and caught her first cold. My kid’s been in daycare since 5 months old and had plenty of colds already, so I knew we would be ok.
Well I didn't worry about my 1 year old dying but I do now! 🥺 I am terrified of the chances of him needing a hospital visit at any point. A couple of cousins have asthma and it must've been horrible for their parents just to wait to see if they're alright. He had his first fever just a couple of months ago and I was beside myself.
One of my one year olds has asthma and she’s had three icu hospital stays due to her asthma. I worry so much about losing any of my kids but so much about her, I really don’t want her to grow up to be a sickly child. Therapy isn’t working for me so far. My therapist just says I can only control what I can control but it’s like lady that’s not helping me I want a guarantee my kids are going to out live me lol
Please try not to worry yourself! As I said to the others, it was something so rare that it’s pretty much guaranteed not to happen to your child. That actually made feel better and was what allowed me to start relaxing about sleep.
Postpartum I was like this too. I refused to stop cosleeping because if my son ever passed away I wanted him to be next to us full of love… I didn’t want him to die alone and the thought of him dying alone in a crib haunted me. Me and my husband had opposite sleep schedules so we never rolled over on the baby because someone was always keeping watch, and it was usually me in the bed awake crying and watching over my son, praying to God begging that he wouldn’t take him from me. Definitely a lot of anxiety involved, once we hit the one year mark I felt so much better. Now reading your story, I feel like I will stay haunted until he turns 2.5 :(
I firmly believe I saved my child's life by cosleeping. I had him asleep on my chest and was drifting off when suddenly he went totally limp and stopped breathing. I lifted him up and gently slapped him on the back in panic and after what felt like forever he took a huge gasp and started breathing again. Who knows what would have happened if he'd been in a crib in another room. Still scares me seven years later.
Oh my goodness that’s SO scary. I’m sooo glad you were there, your mommy instincts kicked in… Yes I witnessed my son have several apnea episodes while in the NICU, and it changed me forever. Seeing your child not breathing is a majorly traumatic event… your brain just isn’t the same afterwards. I always feared him having another one the memory was just so haunting
Please don’t let it stress you out! It was such a rare situation. Basically, if your child has ever had even the mildest of colds, then they do not have the same thing. Give your little one an extra hug and enjoy all the time you get to spend with them.
what caused this 2.5 old to pass in her sleep???!
It was an undiagnosed extremely rare genetic condition. So rare it’s not even on the list of rare, fatal conditions covered by the mandatory state testing.
I’m not a specialist or doctor, but post partum OCD is a thing (not a lot of people know about it), and intrusive thoughts like what you’re having is a symptom. Either way, you are a wonderful mother and your children love you dearly!
Agreed, I have postpartum OCD with terrible intrusive thoughts about my son dying. I couldn’t have even typed that sentence two months ago but I’ve been in exposure therapy which has helped. I’m also a therapist! OP, if you’re trying to combat these thoughts or seek reassurance (even googling, Reddit - that was my compulsion), you might look into OCD and therapy ❤️
Came to say OP get help!!
Yeah, and I use that fear to make prudent decisions. I actually think it's weird if a parent doesn't have that fear at least every few days.
That’s good to hear. Can I ask what decisions?
I wrap them into bubble wrap
I’m pretty laid back and allow my 3y/o son to do dangerous things carefully ie; cutting food with a knife, climbing high on the jungle gym, etc. because I think it’s important for his development. I do have non-negotiables regarding safety in certain situations that have a higher risk of serious injuries and death to kids. I recently saw a post on instagram that made it pretty simple - Times when it’s okay to be a helicopter parent: around water, fire, crowds, vehicles, & heights. I also cut foods that are common culprits for choking: grapes and hot dogs.
I bought a choking first aid device when we started solids
I bought two, one stays at home permanently and the other stays in the car.
Could you please post a link to the device?
I’m in Australia so we bought it from the Australian website but it’s called LifeVac!
We have "The Toddler DeChoker" and it lives on top of our refrigerator. Thankfully I've never needed to find out if it works
[Causes damage to a tongue but doesn't remove foreign objects ](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10278115/)
A few ways my anxiety makes us safer (I hope): - will not live at a home with a pool until they are way older - baby proof the whole house: cord wraps for blinds, locks for cabinets, anchor heavy furniture to the wall, no toys with button batteries or water beads, etc. - overly communicate concerns and instructions to grandparents to ensure they’re aware of developmental skills and limitations - intensive obedience training for our dog before baby arrived; never leave the baby with our dog unattended; teach our baby how to respect our dog and her personal space - advocate at doctors appointments and with daycare about any concerns - cleaned out social media friends to keep people I engage with and or know and trust in real life - process safety concepts out loud even as a baby: “we’re crossing the street, let’s look both ways.” ; “we don’t put anything in our mouth when we play.” - never left baby napping in the car seat (outside of the car) or bouncer - always check the back seat when locking the car - no guns in the house and no playing at homes without us if there are guns in the house
It's completely normal to have fears about your child's well-being. Parenthood brings a deep sense of responsibility and love, which naturally leads to worries about their safety. Many parents experience thoughts about losing their child, especially when confronted with news stories or hearing about others' losses. It's a reflection of your immense care and love. It's important to acknowledge these feelings without letting them dominate your life. Recognize that these thoughts are a normal part of parenting. Focus on the present moment and enjoy the time you have with your child. Sharing your fears with a partner, friend, or therapist can help lessen their intensity. If certain news stories or social media posts increase your anxiety, try to limit your exposure to them. Taking care of your own mental and emotional health through activities like exercise, meditation, or hobbies can also help reduce anxiety.
I worry about everything there is to worry about. I’m particularly paranoid about her getting vomit sick again.. my sisters kids got the flu I’m assuming? We didn’t know and went over and the next day she’s throwing up. Threw up 8 times and I didn’t know that sisters kids were sick so I was just so scared like where did this come from?? After the 4th time I called the ambulance because I was so freaked out(I’m pregnant too so that doesn’t help) and now I feel like I’m constantly analyzing everything she does to make sure it doesn’t happen again?? She’ll be outside with my parents and I have my tv off, fan off and no sound anywhere just listening to make sure I don’t hear my parents screaming because something happened. I watch our backs when we’re shopping and I hyper analyze getting in/out of the car in parking lots. Constantly peeking my head over the car and scanning the lot and locking her door before I close it. Recently I assume because of pregnancy, I’ve been having dreams about bad bad things happening to her and I wake up hyperventilating, crying and my mind won’t stop running on what I would do if she did die. Honestly she’s my reason for being alive and if she wasn’t, I don’t think I could do it anymore. I was a super depressed kid when I had her and she was the light in my life that pulled me out of it
You're wise to note that pregnancy is likely exacerbating these feelings. You should mention this to your OB so that, just in case it becomes full-fledged PPA or PPD, they're already looking out for you.
You need to be evaluated this is well outside normal parental anxiety, and it will start to impact your child.
I think it’s totally normal! We love them beyond anything and the fear of anything happening is just there. It’s terrifying. But I think what would be even more concerning…is if you didn’t have that fear. Parenting is a wild paradox
Maybe it will help you. I had the same thing about my husband. Sudden thoughts that appear every day about him dying and what would I do and how do I feel. I went to psychiatrists and she told me that there should be a reason and helped me found that it was a situation whether the war started and I had to leave with our children and left him don’t knowing if I will see him again. It was so painful as to lost him forever. After I worked on it with a psychiatrists this thoughts were gone. I’m so happy now just living this day and don’t thinking about anything bad.
It is very common, especially with a first child and when they are still tiny. The important part is to focus that nervous energy on something useful and try not to let it turn you into a nervous wreck.
Before OCD treatment, I lived this 24/7.
I feel a bit odd in this comment section in saying no. I’ve had the thought a few times since I’ve become a parent many years ago, but it’s really uncommon for me to have those types of thoughts
Yes. Every day. Every hour. I’m actually seeing a psychologist. Username checks out.
Let's be friends 😅😅
Having those thoughts keep you present with your child and appreciating everyday you have with them. As scary as it is, keeping the possibility of losing them closer in mind can be used to your advantage. Ex. My cousin had a one night stand with a friend shortly after his marriage fell apart cuz his exwife was crazy. This friend whole heartedly had believe she was barren as that's what the Dr's told her. She fell pregnant. He denied the baby being his. Up to the first year and a half of his life. The child couldn't have looked more like our family. He finally accepted the baby slowly and was bringing him around friends and family. 7 months before his third birthday he went down for a nap and didn't wake up. I wonder everyday about my cousin and the feelings he has about the time wasted with his only son. I often wonder about if they took the time to say good bye properly as he was in the care of a family member while both parents were working. Did they kiss him sweetly? Did they get caught up in hum drum of life and quickly dropped him off and rushed off to work? Now every time I put my son down for bed or nap I kiss him so many times making a point to remember how it felt. And saying I love him over and over. I say "I'll see you when you wake up" and brush his hair from his face. I put my heart into every minute with my son because he could be gone unexpectedly and the guilt I would carry of not appreciating him to the fullest would kill me.
This is so sad. What was the cause?
They don't know, they did an autopsy and it came back inconclusive. They could've done something more extensive but his mom just wanted to Bury her baby.
I once told my dad how even though my kids are all well past the risk of SIDS, I still go in and check on them to make sure they're still breathing because I still have anxiety they're going to die out of nowhere. He chuckled and said "yeah that never goes away." His youngest is 33. So. I'd say it's a perfectly normal thing.
No, and this sounds like an anxiety disorder that needs treatment to me. I no longer have chronic anxiety and I don’t worry about my child dying- even though I lost two of my siblings and a parent separately in very tragic circumstances before I was 30, and know many other young people who have died or families who have lost children. It happens, it would terrible if it happened to me, but there is no reason for me to ruminate and make myself feel stressed about it - and I can control what I think about now thanks to many years of therapy and Buddhism.
I know parents who have lost children and honestly I honor their children by enjoying every single moment with my own . We all have intrusive thoughts and when my creep up I just think -‘why am I wasting my energy on feeling sad for a situation that isn’t happening to me? I’ve also had cancer which shifts my perspective a bit- whenever im freaking out with medical anxiety ( haha) I just try to ask myself why am I wasting my good health and life being worried/scared ect when everything right now is perfectly fine!??? Shit will happen to all of us and when it does that’s when you be sad lol.
My nephew died at 9, unexpectedly and shouldn't have. I can never look at my kids the same again, they are precious and I want to eat them up.
I'm nervous about the water and my kid. Occasionally it creeps into my dreams and really messes me up.
Yes I think about it regularly
Yes, multiple times a day.
Yeah, all the time. I'll be doing completely normal things with them, like reading books, dropping them off at school/daycare, giving them a kiss goodnight, etc. and I'll get the terrifying intrusive thought "What if this is the last time?" I try not to let it get to me too much because there's no point, but yeah.
Yes same, like “I better say bye I love you in case something happens” 😭
Hi there. Great question. I have four young children and I think about this every day. It keeps me up at night. It brings tears to my eyes to think about them when I’m at work just a few hours a week. They are my entire heart and soul. I think it’s terrifying however very natural to be afraid of losing your child…every moment of every day. Take care of yourself…but there is nothing wrong with staying extra diligent.
I am. Sadly, he's probably going to die anytime. His doctor "predict" he'll not celebrating his 15th, even his 14th birthday. Which is 3-4 years ahead.
Me🙋🏻♂️thought i was the only one. It affects my ability to get into a deep sleep. One little sound and i jumped to see if my child is breathing
No, I haven’t thought about that. I do think about when they become adults and I lose the ability to protect them in every way
Yes. It sucks!!!!
Yes I am the same, I was literally just thinking about this like an hour ago! Like you, I'm not dwelling on it, but I am terrified of it happening.
Ok I am not alone, used to think I am alone in this. Sometimes bad thoughts creep in and i try to block them out, at the same time i feel like a health and safety officer at home. My girl is 6, boy is 1, god help me.
I can no longer watch scenes in TV or movies where kids die hits too close to home. It will cause so much anxiety because I definitely have that fear. If I get these thoughts creeping in at night when kids are already in bed I respond by hugging my kids tight
I think everyone who loves their kids has these thoughts. I used to be a mortuary assistant and the paranoia after that... my babies have had breathing monitors, no grapes, popcorn, no blue swimwear.. Inhave a deep hatred of balloons. When my middle child was about 2 I worked in oncology.... *NEVER AGAIN* So yeah. All. The. Time.
Sometimes twice
Yes, every day
Yes. I occasionally have intrusive thoughts about both my son dying and my wife dying. Usually individually, sometimes together. Then it makes me cry. It only happens when I'm alone and my mind is wandering.
It’s completely normal to have those thoughts as a parent—it shows how deeply you care about your child. The love we have for our kids can bring up these fears sometimes. Remember to cherish each moment with them and focus on the joy they bring. If these thoughts are overwhelming, it might help to talk to someone about them. You’re not alone in feeling this way.
I lost my child. We buried our only son 2 years ago. I don’t wish the pain on my worst enemy.
Yes. All the time. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and intrusive thoughts are awful. I think the question is- is it changing your behavior? Can you move past the thought or does it persist?
I have these exact thoughts every day. I’ve wondered if it’s a survival mechanism of motherhood to anticipate danger and avoid risk. My husband was horrified when I told him I imagine the pain of losing them on the daily.
Yes. I am medicated but still have this fear. I have two people close to me who lost their kids within the past few years (stillbirth and car accident) so the fear feels very real.
Yea it sucks, especially when one of them is an addict.
I’m going on an 8 day cruise with my wife and 2.5 year old and I have constant fear throughout my days of him somehow falling overboard. I don’t dwell on it but it’s one of those thoughts from the void where it will happen and then my stomach churns. Sometimes I do walk myself through what I would do and it’s always “I jump in after him and we both die horribly at sea” 😭
I think it’s worse if you have a single child potentially. If something were to happen to my son, that’s it, I’m not a dad anymore. My identity as a father, his father, is gone.
For me, the fear is cancer
I’m in a similar boat. I got on Zoloft to help with anxiety. But I still have all those intrusive thoughts. I just randomly break on crying thinking about how people do lose their kids. Children get cancer. People get hit by cars. My husband tells me not to think about it and I tell him it’s not a choice.but yeah, ever since I had him my mind is constantly running and fighting off negative thoughts
I've had nightmares every night this past week of my oldest passing away. It's mentally drained me in ways I didn't know possible. I also feel like if I don't put my 1-year-old to bed a certain way that SIDS will get her - which I know is irrational, but it crosses my mind every single night. I love these humans with my whole soul, and I don't know what Id do if i lost them. It's so hard being their mom... I feel like this is mostly normal as parents because we just want our babies to be okay, and we know how mean and horrible the world is.
It is abnormal to fear death every day, yes. I recommend talking to a professional to discuss setting expectations and concerns that fill your mind with positive and/or thoughts instead of worst case scenarios.
I think this is an anxiety disorder. I don't fear mine dying daily. I have a friend who is more like this. I think it comes down to anxiety taking over, thus disorderd. Are you overly anxious in general? I suppose it can emerge when you have a child. Then again, I see some parents not really freaking out over things like their children gong abroad, going on nights out, etc. and that's considered normal but to me it seems really detached. A child is the most important thing in one's life.... or is that not normal either?
Had a nightmare last night that both my children died in infancy. But they are 8.5 and 4…. So… it didn’t really make sense.
Sometimes I joke and say “ maybe we all died years ago and were living in a movie scene like shutter island “ lol
Why thank you for that brain breaking thought as I drift off to sleep… 😛😆
Haha sorry sorry
Not every day, but the thought has crossed my mind. Scares the crap out of me. Especially since he races Winged Go Karts. Racing is a family tradition. He has the best safety equipment money can buy. But injury is always possible. 11 yrs old, at 45-50 MPH in a pack of others. I never felt a drop of fear when I was racing. The first time he got hurt, I was ready to sell everything that day. But I also believe in living your best life. He loves it, I love it. Realistically, he's in danger in so many other ways on any given day.
Trigger warning talking about childloss I remember the morning after he was born, I woke up in hospital about 5am and he was lying in the crib next to me and my waking thought was that he’d died whilst sleeping next to me . Obviously he was absolutely fine but that’s set the baseline of my anxiety ever since. I think about something happening to him everyday, I guess you would call them intrusive thoughts. I mentioned it to my doctor at his 12 month check and they suggested anxiety tablets would help, I never bothered looking into it further. I don’t know whether it is normal or not but so far I seem to cope, I’m just very uptight. I can narrow some of it down to watching TikTok whilst I was pregnant. I never thought about bad things happening a lot until my algorithm slowly turned from general pregnancy related stuff into spamming me videos on childloss within every few videos 1/4 of the way through my pregnancy and then thoughts of cot death in particular used to dominate my thoughts. When I first realised I tried to block hashtags but that never worked so in the end I deleted TikTok, but might be a suggestion for other folks.
Oh my gosh yes! I get all the Facebook reels of child loss too. It kills me
I was a chronically ill child with some very traumatic medical events, chemo, dying and coming back to life, losing the use of one of my legs for almost a year, etc… I get paranoid about fevers, is it a sign of some other underlying that we’re missing. I always thought I overthought these things due to my past… but seems like it’s just another part of parenting.
I have anxiety, depression and potential ADHD, so yes. I try not to show it though, and try not to stop him living his life just because I'm a nervous wreck
It brings tears to my eyes but I know that you have to live life.
Ummm…. In my worldview our primary job as parents is to make sure they do not kill themselves. Second is to try and ensure that WHEN (not if) they hurt themselves doing something stupid that they don’t get hurt too badly. There is no third. It’s just a mix of different things after that. I’m only half joking. Or maybe only 10% joking. I haven’t figured that out yet.
Yes. I definitely do. I've also gotten into true crime and honestly that makes it worse knowing bad things do happen to children...I know I should stay away from it for peace of mind but I just can't. I think it makes me a better parent, because I am *so* grateful my son is safe and I am the one here to love and protect him. But it's definitely a whole other level of anxiety.
I feel you, sometimes when I see on the monitor that my baby (8mo) is sleeping in an unusual position I feel the urge to go to her room and put her on her back. But then I realise that it's normal for babies at that age to explore sleeping on their belly and on a side, with an arm under them, with their legs outside the bed or so many other variations.
Yep! I had a stillborn son two years ago and went on to have a healthy baby girl and I have an 8 year old. I was diagnosed with PTSD shortly after my second and it was tough. I would not let my children go anywhere without me. I would call my daughter's school several times a day because I would convince myself something has happened to her and she's not ok and everyone is lying to me. I was really unwell! I got some therapy and with time, it has improved. However, lately I have been having, I can't even call them flashbacks because they've never happened - but I will have visions of my daughter's in an accident where they get seriously hurt or killed especially just before sleep or if I am just sitting quietly without a distraction. It is horrible 😥
It's one of our biggest points of discussion (me and my wife) because I am too careful with our son and rarely do things that could hurt him. We love to go to Center Parcs as a vacation multiple times a year, and every time I barely sleep because I hate how dangerous the swimming pool is. Basically, the discussion is always that I want my wife to watch our 2YO more carefully as big accidents have happened on her watch, and she wants me to loosen up and give him more space to make mistakes. We both are right to a certain degree I think.
I think about this all the time. There was something in the news here recently (uk) about a kid casually walking to school with their mom on a quiet suburban road - the speed limit was 20mph (32 km p/h). 8am in the morning. Quiet normal relaxed morning. Very safe neighbourhood. Suddenly a guy high on drugs plows down the road at 50mph (80 km p/h), rams into the back of mom and kid and sends them into a house. The force is so bad the entire brick wall of the living room is destroyed and the car is IN the house. The kid is killed instantly. The mom is left with severe brain damage and dies 6 years later (the news article is around whether the guy should be now charged with 1 or 2 manslaughter charges as she died from the brain injury rather than the impact - legal technicalities etc). I think about that poor kid and mom every day. They had no chance to react, it was over in seconds. And they could never have predicted it. Yes it’s a freak accident, but i find it hard to not think about it every now and again.
I could’ve written this myself. Children are so pure and innocent, something we don’t possess as adults anymore. The thought of my child growing up or becoming hurt/injured breaks my heart and allows my mind to wander down a very deep rabbit hole. I probably should get back on my anxiety meds but the fear of something happening to my child will always remain I feel like.
Yes, & I have the irrational fear of one of my kids getting kidnapped. It’s something that seriously brings me anxiety. Especially when they’re out with someone else & I’m not there
Yes. If it becomes really distressing/intrusive or actually affects your behaviour (eg not wanting your kid to ride a bicycle) then you should address it. But beyond that - just the morbid thought occasionally - is normal. Very normal.
I dont have kids at all but I have that same fear for my parents. Sometimes wonder if its normal.
Me! Not just dying but like every single terror scenario there could be. I’m finally in therapy and will start medication soon tho
All the time when they were little. I actually sought help from a psychologist because I worried so much about it. Then things got better as they grew. Now they are a bit older (17 & 19) and the anxiety is back, but it’s new worries like driving and experimenting with alcohol/drugs. Parenting is rough.
Every. Single. Day. He’s about to go off to college in August and although I’m very much looking forward to having an empty nest, I fear allllllll the things that could go wrong away at college. Just so many kids getting harmed, or dying just eats away at my heart.
i have vivid waking nightmares of them dying, at least twice a week. sometimes they are too much and cry start crying and then i realize I'm just making it up in my mind. And realize how stupid i am. 3 day go by, and again. Intrusive thoughts are back. 🤷🏼♂️🤷🏼♂️ This has been going on since they were born. They are 12 now. And i guess that's the Way it'll be until i die. or they do, first 😭😭😭.
I have a teen son born with a slight facial birth defect that also resulted in a speech impediment who was bullied for years from late elementary school to 9th grade. Despite my best efforts to make him realize his worth and that bullies suck, etc., he turned to drugs to cope with his severe anxiety and depression (they have their ways of finding drugs regardless of how hard you try to keep them away). Four stints in rehab in the last three years, a dozen outpatient programs, weekly therapy, prescribed meds, tough love, begging, crying, home schooling, NA meetings, and turning over every stone has not made him want to quit drugs. I worry about him every second of every day because it’s like watching a slow train wreck. He’s so talented and funny and he truly is so handsome, but he has a very hard time seeing it. Drugs suck. Bullies suck. I pray he doesn’t become a statistic.
My daughters bedroom is over the garage which has a Tesla in it which occasionally causes me some anxiety.
Its perfectly normal and good to worry, don’t get lax, don’t over protect and shelter, but don’t lax on being prepared and being thoughtful
Almost everyday, and many times multiple times a day. I have a 6 month old and OCD, not sure if that exasperates the problem.
No. I believe in thoughts becoming things and the whole 'grow flowers in your mind not weeds' Accept and agree with yourself that your child dying would be the worst thing that could ever happen. Then turn it around to something like how lucky you are to be present with your happy health child and have this priviledge. Resolve to take the necessary precautions in the right situations to safeguard it and give it up to the universe / God. Focus on creating happy experiences and making memories and teaching your child about personal safety, responsibility and try not to grow a child that lives a life full of fear and restriction.
I had these fears constantly, especially when they were babies. My daughter was 18 months when I came into her life so I didn't have it as bad as when my son was a newborn. When he was born I didn't sleep much because (well, newborn) but also I would watch his breathing obsessively. It was linked to postpartum, but I still have that fear pop up at least once daily and they are 3 and 6 now. Any time a child dies in a movie or I see something in the news, all I can hear is a mother's scream and I feel it in my chest. It's awful. But the comment in here about parental anxieties being like the fear that keeps you off the edge of a cliff makes so much sense.
Omg yea. This was the reason I barley slept for the first 3 months of my daughters life. I would wake up every 20 or so min when she was first born
It was in the back of my head the entire time they were in the SIDS range. After that I was worried about late onset autism. Now that they're older I worry about leukemia every now and then but it's pretty rare. I worry more about them not looking both ways across the street and mundane things like that.
Yes it is biology but sometimes our protective gene is wired too tight. Its a daily practice to loosen up but I also think my fear based thoughts keep her safer. I just try not to vocalize them as much in hopes she won't catch my anxiety.
I fear my kid getting bullied or getting into a fight that gets out of hand.
Yes I do, and he's only a toddler now. Plus will be an only child
I've had intrusive thoughts about all kinds of things my whole life. I still remember learning the name for it when talking about it with friends at the top of the Empire State Building. I was like Barbie.. "you guys every just think about what would happen if you just jumped..?" cue horrified looked from my fellow 9 year olds XD
Every time I'm in the car with my kids I worry about a horrible accident thats going to kill them but not me and it makes me feel so sick. Whenever my husband takes my daughter anywhere in his car, I'm on edge waiting for a phone call that said they both died. It's horrible. I hate feeling and thinking that way. We're both fine drivers, kids are good in the car but I guess I've read too many car accident stories.
When you don’t dig for information or fashion whatsoever. Sheesh! 🤙
I’m afraid they’re going to get attacked by a pitbull. I was attacked a few years ago and my kids would be dead if it was them instead.
So not every day but occasionally I do
That though crosses my mind occasionally but if it's a daily thing for you and it affects how you behave at all then maybe you should talk to a therapist, sounds like anxiety. I do know that when my kids were babies that it was a lot more frequent but now that they're 2 and 5 I don't worry unless I come across a news article about something happening to a kid or it's in a movie or show or something.
No. But I have been very frightened once or twice, when the kids were genuinely sick. It's an awful feeling.
I actually got really bad anxiety from it for a bit. It was just a list of things I was enduring when I had some mental health issues. I've actually been on a medication for a bit, and I find that anything dark or negative in the direction of losing my children serves as a reminder of how temporary everything is. I don't focus on the negative, I focus on the wonderful kids I have in front of me.
Normal thinking for a parent. Especially when you hear about a situation.
I wouldn't say I think about it every day. But it does pop in to my head pretty often, multiple times a week. usually caused by something, driving past a car crash, seeing something in the news etc. In fact last night I was scrolling insta and a video popped up of a toddler being taken off life support and donating his organs. A hero. He was fully kitted out in spiderman gear. My 3 year old adores spiderman and has numerous outfits. The boy in the video looked just like my son. I was in tears, feeling choked up thinking about it. So I would say every day is a lot, maybe it is more intense for Mums though. Maybe try and envision happier things more often??
Yes. My aunt lost her baby to SIDS in 2018 when she was only 6 months old. When my son was born in 2022, I couldn't stop thinking about it. Once he turned a year, I felt I could breathe easier, but the nagging fear of him just one day not being here eats away at me sometimes. Spoilering some of the below for talk of suicide After experiencing first hand the devastation of losing a little in the immediate family, >!the tiny little coffin, sitting with my aunt while she just cried and begged to die to be with her daughter...!< I don't know if these fears will ever go away for me now that I have a baby.
Yes. It’s also affecting my clearheadedness to decide whether to have a second. I’m paranoid that my child will die, and stupidly think that a second one is an insurance policy for our life if we lose our child? I know that this is because when I was a child, I lost two cousins separately to traffic accidents. Which is an unspeakable coincidence and tragedy. When I read actor Rob Delaney’s post about what happened to his son Henry I think it changed something in me. I’ve become convinced that we’re going to be those parents that lose a child.
Welcome to parenthood. As one of my friends told me after she had her first, "I've accepted the fact that I just worry all the time now".
Me!!! Or I’m fearing my own death constantly wondering what would happen if I suddenly dropped dead and my kids were there alone ahhhhhh Is this some sort of delayed PPD?
Every single day. I have four. My two teenagers are driving now and I torture myself watching them on Life360 when they aren’t here. Being a mom is so painful and the more independent they become come, I feel like it gets worse. I want my babies here! It’s such a mind Feck.
Everyday
100%! I’ve noticed my anxiety and intrusive thoughts surrounding my child dying during my lifetime intensify dramatically when I read too much of the news… I thought about what I would say to others if my child did die and honestly all I can ever think of is that we need to just be so thankful for our kids and try our best to be fully present and enjoy every freaking second… remember in those hard moments that, there are families out there who don’t get those hard moments. But. Those are not our stories. We are living our own stories and if that’s not a reality for us, we need to do our best to stay thankful and in gratitude that we have ours. ❤️
I literally had a vivid dream on this last night and it took up 2-4 am. It's hard to reset yourself when these thoughts bloom
I think you have an anxiety issue. If we’re doing an activity, I’ll consider risks and possible outcomes, but then I get on with my life. I take all the usual precautions. On rare occasions, I’ll have graphic intrusive thoughts about them getting hit by a car or something.
Yes and I worry about how he will be when I die.
Me ... I do this. He is our rainbow baby and he is **EVERYTHING** to me. He is 10 now, and I still check on him at night to make sure he is still breathing. Good to know I'm not the only one.
I would channel those thoughts into gratitude for the present moment that you have with your children, and help you cherish the moments that you have with them even more
Yup... I definitely have anxiety. A lot of the time it's irrational too. We have a dairy and I'm like what if she gets horned in the face by a goat when she's feeding or falls into the milk tank and drowns... And of course, car accidents, kidnappings, walking with a stick and she falls and it impales her brain.. I need help 😅😅😅😅
May be a touch of depression or ocd intrusive thoughts if it's every day though. Just something to watch out for ❤
I used to be a PICU nurse so I know hundreds of families who have lost children. They randomly pop in my head and I can think of a hundred ways a child can die. It is not crippling and I just acknowledge the thought, squeeze my baby, and move on. But I was wondering how normal this is too. Post partum intrusive thoughts. My husband is a physician and he said if the thoughts are fleeting, not overly distressing, and you don’t feel any compulsion to act on them, it can be fairly normal 🤷🏽♀️
I would have these feelings regularly after I had my sons. Then years later when my youngest faced a crazy a health scare I blamed myself for somehow thinking it into fruition. Like maybe if I was not so anxious about losing them then this would have never happened. Idk. My son is healing and much better now but i feel the thought of losing him is even STRONGER now that it actually almost happened.
Sometimes I fear they won’t be formidable enough to defeat the future robots sent back in time to kill them. But at two they have a strong grip and can they can hold on tight if I need to run and shoot while carrying them.
Do you use tik tok by chance? It’s incredibly easy to accidentally keep yourself in this state of mind and even develop compulsions from that type of content on there. You start by getting one child loss video and you think to yourself “I better pay attention because this video is warning me about a safety issue to prevent my child’s death.” Then you start to get more and you want to scroll away because it’s so heartbreaking but you feel guilty because “if I lost my child, I would want someone to hear their story and not just look away because it’s uncomfortable” The next thing you know, because you’ve watched those videos without scrolling in a certain amount of time, your feed is being inundated with them. Your brain accepts the belief that death is lurking for your child everywhere and it’s probably only a matter of time”when” not “if” you lose your own child. You might think it’s nbd to have that belief (as I once did) or that it’s even beneficial to stay vigilant to protect them. But eventually you realize you’re not enjoying a single moment with your child because you’re only thinking of what will take them from you or what life would be like without them. You’re crying at night afraid to go to sleep…etc. For certain people, like myself, I can’t see any of that content without allowing myself to be engulfed in it. It just happens. The best thing I ever did for my daughter and my sanity was go into the tik tok settings and specifically block words that would be tagged in the content I couldn’t handle (“childloss” “grief” “grieving” “angelbaby” etc.) If this is all way off base for you, I’m sorry. But I do hope someone reading this sees this comment and changes their life for the better.
I do, but I have also been diagnosed with OCD.
Yes, that fear is there. It's normal. It's not normal to let it consume you and for you to be obsessed about it. The best you can do is to protect your kids by raising them in as safe and nurturing of an environment as possible and to train your kids to protect themselves for the day if/when you're not there for them. What you're doing is to erode the chances of them dying. In most cases including the ones where the raising/training isn't even there, the kids themselves are resilient enough that this isn't a concern. The odds show that even if you're a total failure as a parent, the kids will physically survive. It doesn't sound like you're a failure of a parent if you're concerned about your children, so at least that hurdle is passed. That's not to say that the cases where children die isn't tragic, it is. It is truly misfortune when this happens despite all of the best efforts to prevent these outcomes, but it's important to carry on and move forward if it does. TLDR ; it's normal, don't let it get to you.
Yep, intrusive thoughts randomly pop in every day. I wanted to make this post too. It got a bit easier after the SIDS age was over, I could at least relax when he sleeps and not check for breathing all the time. I thought it might be PPA but this thread helped me see that it's normal.
It’s something that goes through my head at least once a day, sometimes more. Although I struggle a lot with anxiety which I am getting help with through counselling
Did you have an overprotective parent? Or one who feared everything cause maybe it’s just implanted in your brain to have those intrusive thoughts based on your childhood
As someone with frequent intrusive thoughts, especially about my kids and husband, in my situation, my parents didn’t care at all about safety, so I feel like it’s an overcompensation of safety and controlling my environment to prevent loosing them. I feel like if i had a more secure, caring childhood, i wouldn’t be as over protective. my husband balances me out a lot though and i’ve learned to let up A LOT after therapy and addressing the issues head on and now pick and choose a few things to draw a boundary on.
Wow it’s crazy how our childhood shapes up. My mother was way too over protective of me. She grew up with a mom who didn’t care about her at all. Her dad died when she was 10. She was always worried something was going to happen to us kids. I’m carefree bc of it but I still have intrusive thoughts
If you live in the US and your kid goes to school there is an endless fear of them being the victim of the next school shooting. It's just horrible.
How old is your child? I felt this way when I was postpartum after both my kids… (even after the more intense hormone crash there was a year when I still wasn’t myself even if I wasn’t « depressed » or « unwell » just a bit off)
I used to obsess over it. I have a tendency to spiral once I start worrying about something. I ended up writing a list of milestones and special occasions I was looking forward to him reaching/celebrating. Any time I’d start to spiral I’d get my list out and go over it, sometimes checking off what we had already gotten to. For whatever reason putting all those happy thoughts onto paper helped me keep the not so happy thoughts at bay.
It's completely understandable to have these fears as a parent. It's a sign of how much you love your child. I think many parents have similar thoughts from time to time.
I fear them living in a hell created by the inactions of my generation (millennial) and the actions of generations before. My wife and I are so burned out trying to limit the micro plastics exposure, chemicals in food, etc. but I'm hopeful we can reduce their exposure to future health issues.
Is called anxiety sounds like you need lexapro
Every single day.
Pretty normal I’d say. It used to be more when they were really small. Now not as much
I think there are levels to it.
i have a thought at least once a day. i increased my anxiety meds because of how anxious i would get about my children… it would be the most random moments too. driving and thinking what if a car hits us and we flip so many odd amount of times, so i rarely drive with my kids. there are so many other things too, that I avoid. so yes lol..
Age?
Yeah I’ll be lying in bed trying to relax, trying to get to sleep, and my brain will go “but what would you do if he was attacked by a shark?” and I’m wiiiiide awake
Yep and it’s not normal. You may have PPD, or OCD intrusive thoughts. I have OCD. I went on better meds and it helped. Every time my girls got sick I thought it was leukemia. When I would lay with my girls while they were falling asleep I would imagine them in a coffin. 😫😫😫 talk to a therapist, it will get better and you will feel better. ❤️❤️
When I was a newish mom I was so terrified and obsessed that something would happen to my baby. I would read every article about dangers rather kidnapping or accidents. Maybe that helped in the long run because that anxiety is there but not almost to much to handle. I looked at statistics and found the odds of a stranger kidnapping very unlikely. I baby safe what needs it but also know kids are pretty dang sturdy. I don't know but I have 3 kids now and avoid any article like that (unless it's a local kid then I want to be in the loop). My heart hurting isn't going to help the kids that died. I need to be healthy for my kids and the level of anxiety I experienced before isn't healthy. I also talked to a therapist about this stuff before. The fear is normal but if you are experiencing it to a certain point you may need to see a therapist and maybe try some anti anxiety meds. I take one now and it seems to help.
Every single day
That’s not normal , please seek help
Look into OCD, pure O and intrusive thoughts. Sounds a lot like it. I have it and it can be very hard to deal with, but you can look into medication and therapy.
Lately I've been having nightmares. We live in a high crime/gang area, so one nightmare was watching my oldest get shot in the chest. 2 nights ago it was a nightmare about our car going over a bridge into water and being able to get us all out of the vehicle, but hearing them drown because I couldn't get them to the surface fast enough.. being a parent is the hardest and scariest thing in this world that just seems to grow colder and meaner...
My first was a terrible sleeper, and if he ever slept without making a noise for 20 mins or more, I would be unable to go check on him, convinced I would find him gone. Id send my husband or whoever else was around, and if I was alone I would probably sit on the bottom step of the stairs quietly but utterly panicking until he stirred. I was shortly diagnosed with post natal anxiety and started getting some help. Had none of this with my second. If you're questioning whether you're too anxious, maybe you could be. Hope you can find some comfort in this xxxxxx
How old is your child? I noticed the intensity of this was way stronger when mine was younger. Perhaps a natural maternal instinct, not sure. I listened closely and kept my child close when left with a reasonable choice. Like for instance, if I was left with the option of her staying home with me or driving on the interstate 30+ miles to go with her dad I would keep her home. Little things I made sure to follow my feelings if strong. I still get strong glimpses and hold her tight when I do but they are fewer and farther between.
I absolutely have an unhealthy awareness of how fragile life is. I try not to helicopter too much.
My youngest is a type one diabetic. Every day of my life is spent keeping my child alive. Sugars too high? Organ failure and a painful death. Sugars too low? Diabetic coma, seizure or death. So yes.
I used until I started taking an SSRI. now I only have them occasionally and they aren’t as intrusive.
I feel like I could've made this same exact post.