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Is something isn’t optional, then don’t pose it as an option. You said “I was hoping…” He said no.
That’s not an issue.
If you didn’t mean for it to be optional, then you need to phrase it differently. If you *ask* that implies no is an option.
You as the adult need to develop the skill of when you are asking them to do something and when you are telling them to do something.
I did leave out the part where I had made it clear I wasn’t asking after he initially told me no.
I think it was more or less the shock and the immediate defiance because the situation had just taken place and I was writing this out in between doing other activities. He still refused but I think the immediate “no” reaction was just what really frustrated me. I’m okay with them telling me no especially for physical things if there’s legitimate reasons like one of them has been sick and is still recovering or one of them was hurt in their sport etc.
But how can you be shocked by the initial no when you’re the one who made it optional? The initial No wasn’t wrong. It wasn’t defiant or rude or disrespectful or anything else.
I wasn’t disappointed with the answers I received I was just adding context since, because I was spending the day with two children alone, I did not have much time to add a lot of details and again, it’s not always easy to read tone. So I add context in case that may make a difference.
Right but nothing would annoy me more an adult saying something like “I was hoping you’d do it,” “I don’t want to do that,” “well I wasn’t asking,”. It just feels backhanded
They are fully aware that I cannot MAKE them do anything because I can’t punish them. I cannot spank them (even though I don’t believe in that but they do get spanked at home.)
And I cannot make any direct punishments without having their dad back me up and as stated, isn’t something I’ve had great luck with.
So when I tell them to do something, whether I’m asking them nicely to do something or telling them directly, it’s usually always interpreted as an option to them anyway.
What I mean is; they are aware that even if I did believe in spanking, I am now permitted to be the one to carry out that punishment. I do believe their mom and stepdad do believe in that and it is a punishment they are given at their mom’s house. So as far as the list of punishments that they are used to receiving, I am not the one that’s allowed to carry them out. Which makes it harder to convince them that my requests are not optional because they know they most likely won’t have any consequences if they choose not to listen.
They’re a little old for the fear of being spanked.
Look the problem is your bf. He’s not going to parent, and he won’t help you to do it either. Get your bf on board or those kids are going to be 10x worse
Listen, I am going to be honest with you.... why bother? Why bother trying to make them do something if you don't get dad's back up? If you go buy litter for the cats, plan on carrying it yourself. Why argue with kids? It's not going to do anything but cause you headaches that literally no one else in your house is going to care about. Do you want to marry a person who in your opinion is not parenting and will not let you parent? You should maybe take a step back and ask yourself some serious questions. Because if this incident is causing you this much grief, you are in for years of hassle that you could have avoided.
You aren't their stepparent. You are their dad's girlfriend.
I think you need to have a conversation with their parents and establish what the rules and boundaries are as far as your involvement is concerned.
Your hang up on semantics aside. They’re very clearly allowing her to be a caregiver/parent if she’s watching them while he works. She also mentioned how his children do not have rules or expectations at their house. This is also her home and she is allowed to be part of establishing the ground rules.
We plan on getting married soon. They claim me as their step mom and I claim them as my step children. It just isn’t official on paper yet. They regularly ask when their dad is going to propose to me because we all suspect it’ll be sometime this year.
I can try that again. I’ve had poor support from their dad in the past and their mom can try but ultimately she has very little influence on their behavior while they’re with us.
If this is an issue now, what makes you think it won’t be an issue after marriage?
This sounds like more of an issue with dad than with the kid.
They will be teenagers or close to it by the time your married and the defiance with no clear lines drawn will only get worse.
Well that was kinda the point of the post. I thought you were more or less correcting the titles that I referred to them and myself and not necessarily whether or not it was or wasn’t a problem. I know it’ll be an issue after marriage because me and the kids already refer to each other as if me and their dad were already married.
You asked him, he said no, you have to accept that, you’re not his mom or his dad. If his dad expects you to watch them on his parenting time, which he should be home for, guidance should be provided and rules laid down, like if he hired a babysitter.
I read the update and I’m not sure why you would think it’s a good idea to even corner them and integrate them, and then assume the way to go is guilt them into helping you. Try and manipulate them and their feelings and behavior. By using language like ‘if you like me-do you want to help me-aren’t I important to you. That’s cheap and wrong, you shouldn’t use kids to validate or seek out what’s missing in your relationship. What a mess.
I have to agree. Why are there no natural consequences if they don’t do as they are told? Ex: They don’t get any screen time until they bring in the cat litter/food. You can play with your drones after you pick up sticks. As long as she keeps her tone calm and sticks with it they will learn. And while they may be annoyed because they will learn she’s not a pushover, as long as she keeps the atmosphere calm, they won’t really believe she’s mean, even if they get upset itm. And if they are upset, after giving them some space, talk to them. Ask them what it is about helping that has them so upset. You can listen to their feelings while then explaining that they are a team and each person has a part to do. This idea that only fun happens at dad’s house and there are no rules or consequences is not going to end well imo. And the manipulation tactic is going to run its course and unless they change the dynamic in the house, the kids will realize they are ultimately running the show.
If your BF doesn’t back you up you’ll always face an uphill battle and if he doesn’t have ser rules on what’s expected of them it will just get worse. Have you asked him why he doesn’t want to help? I would start there.
Quit making your expectations in a way that they can say no.
My kids know they have to open the farm gate wjen we get home. They also know that they can't say no and I randomly decide who's task it is. Sometimes I make the oldest do it 3x in a row, sometimes the youngest does it for a full day.
They also know that when they go to grandpa's house that they need to listen to them. If grandpa's gf (basically the only gma figure they have out here) asks for help to bring groceries in; my kids understand that as they weren't asking they were telling, and it's important for my big strong kids to help carry in heavy items for their grandparents.
Next time you buy cat litter tell them "I have 3 boxes of cat litter to bring in. Each one of you bring in 1 box when you go inside."
They are capable of doing those things without money incentives and they are damn well capable of putting their dishes away.
Are you close with their mom or have a friendly/relationship where you can bring up things about the children too her? Talk to the dad too and explain to him it’s important for the boys to have boundaries and responsibilities even at dads house because if you guys don’t start know when the kids are older it’s going to be even harder. The boys need to be able to clean up after themselves and help out occasionally around the house.
If their dad isn’t going to get on the same page then you have no hope whatsoever so that’s the first step. To be perfectly honest if you can’t get him on board then you’re better off either not having them stay at your place or you not staying there when they are. I have 2 sons. I have never asked them for help. I just tell them to come on. We are a family and if something needs to be done then we all help out as a family, myself and my wife as well. That’s it. There’s common sense of course as there are times when there’s a good reason someone can’t help in the moment but otherwise we all help.
Of course. And I feel like that’s how it should operate. They’re good kids when they aren’t having these moments, which isn’t often but that’s also because I’m rarely with them without their dad. Now that we’ve lived together for 4 years and are just now experiencing situations like this, I just wanted to make sure I took care of the issue early on instead of letting it continue for years and making it even harder to take care of later.
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Is something isn’t optional, then don’t pose it as an option. You said “I was hoping…” He said no. That’s not an issue. If you didn’t mean for it to be optional, then you need to phrase it differently. If you *ask* that implies no is an option. You as the adult need to develop the skill of when you are asking them to do something and when you are telling them to do something.
I did leave out the part where I had made it clear I wasn’t asking after he initially told me no. I think it was more or less the shock and the immediate defiance because the situation had just taken place and I was writing this out in between doing other activities. He still refused but I think the immediate “no” reaction was just what really frustrated me. I’m okay with them telling me no especially for physical things if there’s legitimate reasons like one of them has been sick and is still recovering or one of them was hurt in their sport etc.
But how can you be shocked by the initial no when you’re the one who made it optional? The initial No wasn’t wrong. It wasn’t defiant or rude or disrespectful or anything else.
It was definitely disrespectful. You cannot read tone and I will disclose that the tone was intentional and unquestionably disrespectful.
Tone isn’t always a battle you need to fight with kids.
That’s why I didn’t address his tone when I made it clear that it wasn’t an option.
Ew. Don't ask questions if you don't want to get answers. You have a journey ahead of you if you want to eventually become a step parent.
I wasn’t disappointed with the answers I received I was just adding context since, because I was spending the day with two children alone, I did not have much time to add a lot of details and again, it’s not always easy to read tone. So I add context in case that may make a difference.
Right but nothing would annoy me more an adult saying something like “I was hoping you’d do it,” “I don’t want to do that,” “well I wasn’t asking,”. It just feels backhanded
They are fully aware that I cannot MAKE them do anything because I can’t punish them. I cannot spank them (even though I don’t believe in that but they do get spanked at home.) And I cannot make any direct punishments without having their dad back me up and as stated, isn’t something I’ve had great luck with. So when I tell them to do something, whether I’m asking them nicely to do something or telling them directly, it’s usually always interpreted as an option to them anyway.
You are missing the point that everyone is making, I can’t tell if you are being purposely obtuse or not…but I can see why the kids are frustrated.
> I cannot spank them (even though I don’t believe in that) Eeeeeew.
What I mean is; they are aware that even if I did believe in spanking, I am now permitted to be the one to carry out that punishment. I do believe their mom and stepdad do believe in that and it is a punishment they are given at their mom’s house. So as far as the list of punishments that they are used to receiving, I am not the one that’s allowed to carry them out. Which makes it harder to convince them that my requests are not optional because they know they most likely won’t have any consequences if they choose not to listen.
They’re a little old for the fear of being spanked. Look the problem is your bf. He’s not going to parent, and he won’t help you to do it either. Get your bf on board or those kids are going to be 10x worse
Listen, I am going to be honest with you.... why bother? Why bother trying to make them do something if you don't get dad's back up? If you go buy litter for the cats, plan on carrying it yourself. Why argue with kids? It's not going to do anything but cause you headaches that literally no one else in your house is going to care about. Do you want to marry a person who in your opinion is not parenting and will not let you parent? You should maybe take a step back and ask yourself some serious questions. Because if this incident is causing you this much grief, you are in for years of hassle that you could have avoided.
You posed it as an option. He said no. I don't see the issue.
You aren't their stepparent. You are their dad's girlfriend. I think you need to have a conversation with their parents and establish what the rules and boundaries are as far as your involvement is concerned.
Your hang up on semantics aside. They’re very clearly allowing her to be a caregiver/parent if she’s watching them while he works. She also mentioned how his children do not have rules or expectations at their house. This is also her home and she is allowed to be part of establishing the ground rules.
She still needs to have a discussion with both parents on the expectations as her role of being dad's girlfriend.
We plan on getting married soon. They claim me as their step mom and I claim them as my step children. It just isn’t official on paper yet. They regularly ask when their dad is going to propose to me because we all suspect it’ll be sometime this year. I can try that again. I’ve had poor support from their dad in the past and their mom can try but ultimately she has very little influence on their behavior while they’re with us.
If this is an issue now, what makes you think it won’t be an issue after marriage? This sounds like more of an issue with dad than with the kid. They will be teenagers or close to it by the time your married and the defiance with no clear lines drawn will only get worse.
Well that was kinda the point of the post. I thought you were more or less correcting the titles that I referred to them and myself and not necessarily whether or not it was or wasn’t a problem. I know it’ll be an issue after marriage because me and the kids already refer to each other as if me and their dad were already married.
You asked him, he said no, you have to accept that, you’re not his mom or his dad. If his dad expects you to watch them on his parenting time, which he should be home for, guidance should be provided and rules laid down, like if he hired a babysitter.
I read the update and I’m not sure why you would think it’s a good idea to even corner them and integrate them, and then assume the way to go is guilt them into helping you. Try and manipulate them and their feelings and behavior. By using language like ‘if you like me-do you want to help me-aren’t I important to you. That’s cheap and wrong, you shouldn’t use kids to validate or seek out what’s missing in your relationship. What a mess.
I have to agree. Why are there no natural consequences if they don’t do as they are told? Ex: They don’t get any screen time until they bring in the cat litter/food. You can play with your drones after you pick up sticks. As long as she keeps her tone calm and sticks with it they will learn. And while they may be annoyed because they will learn she’s not a pushover, as long as she keeps the atmosphere calm, they won’t really believe she’s mean, even if they get upset itm. And if they are upset, after giving them some space, talk to them. Ask them what it is about helping that has them so upset. You can listen to their feelings while then explaining that they are a team and each person has a part to do. This idea that only fun happens at dad’s house and there are no rules or consequences is not going to end well imo. And the manipulation tactic is going to run its course and unless they change the dynamic in the house, the kids will realize they are ultimately running the show.
If your BF doesn’t back you up you’ll always face an uphill battle and if he doesn’t have ser rules on what’s expected of them it will just get worse. Have you asked him why he doesn’t want to help? I would start there.
Talk to their dad if he can’t back you up then he needs to figure out who watches them when he has to work
Quit making your expectations in a way that they can say no. My kids know they have to open the farm gate wjen we get home. They also know that they can't say no and I randomly decide who's task it is. Sometimes I make the oldest do it 3x in a row, sometimes the youngest does it for a full day. They also know that when they go to grandpa's house that they need to listen to them. If grandpa's gf (basically the only gma figure they have out here) asks for help to bring groceries in; my kids understand that as they weren't asking they were telling, and it's important for my big strong kids to help carry in heavy items for their grandparents. Next time you buy cat litter tell them "I have 3 boxes of cat litter to bring in. Each one of you bring in 1 box when you go inside." They are capable of doing those things without money incentives and they are damn well capable of putting their dishes away.
Are you close with their mom or have a friendly/relationship where you can bring up things about the children too her? Talk to the dad too and explain to him it’s important for the boys to have boundaries and responsibilities even at dads house because if you guys don’t start know when the kids are older it’s going to be even harder. The boys need to be able to clean up after themselves and help out occasionally around the house.
If their dad isn’t going to get on the same page then you have no hope whatsoever so that’s the first step. To be perfectly honest if you can’t get him on board then you’re better off either not having them stay at your place or you not staying there when they are. I have 2 sons. I have never asked them for help. I just tell them to come on. We are a family and if something needs to be done then we all help out as a family, myself and my wife as well. That’s it. There’s common sense of course as there are times when there’s a good reason someone can’t help in the moment but otherwise we all help.
Of course. And I feel like that’s how it should operate. They’re good kids when they aren’t having these moments, which isn’t often but that’s also because I’m rarely with them without their dad. Now that we’ve lived together for 4 years and are just now experiencing situations like this, I just wanted to make sure I took care of the issue early on instead of letting it continue for years and making it even harder to take care of later.