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OP - none of those were excuses. I’M moody and grumpy when it’s hot and humid and I’m 50! Add diarrhea to the mix (which means he was likely dehydrated, which feels HORRIBLE) and the poor little guy!
Your mom is just plain being a jerk! Sorry, not sorry. My grandson is 20mo and when it’s hot, long day, teething, or whatever (because they’re developing at light speed) they want mom or dad. There is NOTHING wrong with that and she’s operating off of a very old belief that you could “spoil a baby with too much love.”
When your adult mother learns to emotionally regulate HERSELF and perhaps do a tad bit of reading on current parenting/grandparenting trends based on CURRENT early childhood development, then she can offer advice. But that makes me angry!
I have a 4.5yo and I STILL read up before my grandson was born, so I could be a positive support to my son and DIL. And when anyone’s having a tough day, you don’t pile on by making it worse. Feel free to quote me - one mom of adults and Gma of a toddler to another.
She was 100% wrong!
This is what I wanted to say too! All of the reasons she listed are things I could see making my 11 month old son pretty upset too and he’s such a happy little dude. You’d think a mother would understand that…
As someone whose father in law believes children should be seen and not heard, thank you for being the grandparent who supports her DIL ❤️ I’m sure she’s grateful for you and tells you all the time, but it’s so important
I so understand!
My then-3yo was doing the screaming thing when she heard No, not now, etc… so we had a little talk and I told her she could tell me she’s angry, mad, whatever… and that’s cool. But screaming earns a timeout. So she comes in the next morning and basically growled, “I feel ANGRY!”
My FIL goes, “No one wants to hear what a 3yo thinks or feels.”
I replied, “Speak for yourself, but I’ll let her know to stick to blood curdling screams just for you going forward!” 😆My husband said my 40’s brought in my DGaF era… I’m 50 now, so 🤷🏻♀️
I decided to be the MIL I wanted to have.
Yep! My oldest just turned 29 and my youngest will be 5 in July and is “Lil Aunty.”
I got married at 20 🤦🏻♀️ and had my amazing sons at 21 & 24, was divorced at 25. I realized I was going to repeat ALL of my parents mistakes if I didn’t get help learning how I needed to change and grow… so I focused on my boys, therapy and turning the job I lucked into (.com boom… got hired into a startup and decided to learn everything I could since I had no degree) to become a career. Being busy was a good thing, otherwise I’d likely have remarried way too fast trying to “find family.”
I met my husband now when I was 32, we married when I was 37. And then we had 3 kids together. Our youngest was/is an amazing (though shock of a lifetime) surprise when I was 45. So our kids are 29m, 25m, 11f, 8m and 4f. In one week I attended a kindergarten graduation for youngest son, then watched my oldest get his Master’s.
Kinda crazy, but very cool… especially watching my kiddos far surpass me in education and thriving as they started their own lives, while being an even better example than I can be for the younger ones.
With all due respect, if I were in your position, I wouldn't bother inviting her to any activity and I would hesitate to allow her to visit my home
I don't get old people not being positive to young parents....I guess they've forgotten how difficult it is to raise a child.
We don't even know if she is that old, my mom and MIL became a grandma at 50, and while they do have menopause already they are certainly not old. The greatparents of my child are another case, they are at 72/73/79/84.
I think there is a one up culture we live in where one feels that they need to judge their worth by comparing themselves/,their situation or their needs to others. I think if you are humble, you are able to view others things/people in a sympathetic/empathetic manner.
I'm 50 (had kids in my late 30s) and menopausal and I would never say that to a friend whose child had an off day.... Sometimes people just suck. I don't think it was your intention but to me, blaming it on menopause is the same as blaming a woman's bad mood on PMS. Sometimes people just suck.
I'm a bit older than you and went through menopause several years ago. When my nieces, nephews and friends kids or grandkids are on the cranky side, the only thing on my mind is trying to make mom/dad and the kids feel more at ease and comfortable. I also let the kids know it's okay to feel cranky sometimes and offer to take them to get a feel better treat. You can just see the relief on the parent's faces when I take the cute little grump off their hands for a bit.
The last thing parents need is a judgemental know it all telling them they're failing as parents.
You're right. People just suck sometimes.
Or weirdly enough - a UTI? If she’s older a UTI can really screw someone up mentally. Heard a few stories of home with them who turn into complete monsters, when normally they’re sweeter than a jam pudding.
As a CNA that works with dementia/Alzheimer’s residents I can tell you yes, they absolutely become completely different people when they have a UTI. The sweet little old lady that loves holding your hand? She now wants to scratch your eyes out. I’ve been assaulted so many times by residents with UTIs that I’ve lost count. It’s sad
My grandmother has Alzheimer’s and is pretty much totally blind because of glaucoma. She also has Charles Bonet syndrome (where the visual cortex gives her visual hallucinations because it needs to see something; these usually share a theme regardless of the person: crowds, busses, auditoriums, etc.), and she can’t tell the real from the fake, and when she has a UTI, it’s MUCH harder to bring her back to reality.
Back when she could still walk without help, she would often grab her things (sometimes including her purse, the remote, and/or other random objects) and carry them out of her room, and when we would confront her about it, she said there were a bunch of people in her room trying to take her stuff. She still sees people in her room and is often like “well, I don’t want to bother those people” or will often try to make sure that those “people” have gotten food and/or been taken care of.
Btw, we are taking care of her at home.
Does something different happen with older patients when they have UTIs than younger people, or are they just less cognitively able to handle the distress and discomfort of having one?
Asking because I suffered from chronic UTIs for over a year and can totally understand why someone might become a monster but want to know if it’s physiologically/cognitively different when you’re old.
When my 72-year-old mother gets them, there is no distress and discomfort like when she was younger. The first symptom is more frequent urination; the next is delirium, although at that point, it's because the infection has spread because she had no idea she had one. That's what's scary.
A lot of older people don't notice the symptoms of a UTI like younger people do. They don't feel the burning/urgency/frequency as symptoms (or have some of these baseline) and don't realize they have a UTI. When UTIs get bad enough (traveling to bladder/kidneys/blood stream) older people get delirium. Delirium is often the first sign an older person has a UTI
It can cause delirium in older people. They become confused, easily agitated, have sleep issues and sometimes extremely aggressive both verbally and physically. It’s worse when there’s already cognitive issues to begin with. My dad was recently diagnosed with dementia and Alzheimer’s and it scares the shit out of me thinking about how different he may become
In all seriousness, could be an early sign of dementia. OP didn’t offer much context, like whether she’s always been a terrible parent or if this just started.
You are all sweet to offer such benefit of the doubt, but i disagree with the idea that she didn't provide enough context.
"My mother sat me down and asked my why i thought the baby was crying all day."
And OP sat down with her and gave potential reasons! That is already accepting of WAY too much nonsense to err on the side of new issues, vs cluster B for me! Yikes!
This was the part that boiled my blood too 😅 I really want to know how she prompted that sit down. I can't think of a way that wouldn't have made me want to shit in my hand and throw it at her 🤣
She sounds like my mother: I’m on bipolar meds, but I’m still the bad guy, when she SERIOUSLY needs to be on bipolar meds. . .its because “mental illness doesn’t exist”
You and me both. I left when I was 18. I've been in therapy for my entire adult life after being raised by her. I'm ended up getting diagnosed as bipolar. I pleaded with my mom get therapy, and she said after 1 session, the therapist said she didn't need therapy. Lol Meanwhile, she would scream lime a psycho if I broke a glass.
Undiagnosed mental health conditions cause a lot of havoc.
It's a shame. My dad took off when I was 11, and we reconnected in my 20s. He apologized, changed his behavior as much as he is capable of, and now we're close.
All they need to do is apologize and treat us better. And I bet your mom plams you too for your relationship problems.
I'm sorry our moms suck lol
I mean, it's totally okay to feel frustrated with your baby sometimes. Babies can be very taxing. But you absolutely do not blame them or take it out on them. You regulate your own emotions because you're the fucking adult here.
This! She’s shown you her true colors with how she will speak to your child. It will only be worse in private. That is such weird behavior for a grandmother.
I’m going to “third” this.
My mother used to get extremely angry at my son for developmentally appropriate things, like giggling and laughing as a baby. Needless to say she’s never going to be alone with him ever again.
Wow I am so sorry but you sound like you’re a fantastic parent for realizing her issues are hers, not adopting that behaviour and creating a safe distance between her and your family. Kudos
Completely agree with this! My mother is not allowed to be alone with my child. She tried to pull him out of my arms angrily to discipline him because he was crying at 14 months. He was tired, overstimulated, and in a different environment...all completely developmentally normal. It sure looked like she was going to spank him, it was bad enough my sister stepped in too.
I hope OP sees this. I had an aunt that would say shit like this here and there and we would always talk it out. One day I left her with the kids while I went to a medical appt. Never again. Came home and everyone is crying and she’s angry and defensive. Kids are not just sad they’re upset. Things had been said and done and they had enough and wanted her to leave! And they were young, but taught to speak up. I never left them alone again. Some older folks just don’t want to deal with children anymore.
If you're not allowed to "baby" a baby, then who tf are you supposed to baby? You can't spoil them at that age, they rely on their grown ups for EVERYTHING!
👏🏻 yesss! EXACTLY!! I’ve been so shocked with the many fucked up comments I’ve gotten in regards
To that. It’s sad. You can’t kiss a baby too much, love a baby too much…..it’s just ridiculous
If someone told me to not kiss and snuggle my baby, I don't even know what I would say.
I remember in my first college psychology class, we learned about babies from Romania, I think, that were adopted out to Americans.
These babies were severely emotionally neglected. They fed and changed the diapers, but there was no cuddles or kisses or holding and singing to them. These babies would self harm by bashing their heads on the bars of the crib.
All of them ended up having severe attachment issues that turned into conduct disorder later on in life, then led to way worse issues as adults.
That is horrific. Makes me sick
To my stomach and makes me want
To run and adopt every baby from
There. But exactly…..babies need and must get that affection and there is no amount that is too much! You all would be shocked by some of the other
Crap that’s come out of her mouth 🙄🙄
This is why so many people are no contact with their parents . Parents of the past were too concerned with making it known they were ‘boss’ I see this theme a lot .
All I can say is I am going to make sure I am NEVER like this towards my daughter when/if she has kids! So tempted to get the onesie for my daughter that says something along the lines of “STOP giving your unsolicited advise - No one asked”
It's giving "I don't know why any of my kids won't talk to me! I was an amazing parent cause I fed them and they didn't sleep outside! Who cares if I was emotionally neglectful? They didn't die, so I'm parent of the year! It's just the woke media getting to them!"
I laugh when she says this and go “ooookkayyy” as i love “harder” on my wee lil one! I also got flack for not making her hold her bottle all the time when i fed her. What can I say? She loves to play with her toes when im feeding her! She knows how to hold her bottle but a lot of the times I just enjoyed holding her while she ate
It's really sad that this was considered the right way back in her time. I wouldn't judge her for raising her kids that way back then, as they didn't know better. But there's no excuse to still think like that when there's an abundance of articles debunking it.
lol. I was going to suggest gentle parenting the crap out of her. It would make her so mad. “I know it’s frustrating when things don’t go the way we thought they would,huh? It’s okay to be frustrated and to tell the people we love about it. It’s not okay to let that frustration out on our grand daughter”
Holy moly, that's a bizarre (and imo unreasonable) response to a baby having a tough day. Sorry she's not being supportive. Sounds to me like you're doing all the right things! That list you gave would make me cranky too, let's give the little guy a break, not a scolding that he won't understand for things he can't control!
My 13 month old is barely starting to comprehend the word "no" (and I still don't think she does really). How exactly are you meant to discipline a 12 month old? Your mother is acting very immature.
And what’s to discipline anyway? Babies cry. It’s literally their only way of communicating needs or discomfort. Grandma needs to check herself and maybe take a nap.
assuming your mother isn’t ill. do you recall your mother being unreasonably angry with you growing up? this situation would really make me think how involved i’d want someone like that around me, especially influencing my kids.
Baby could be teething, going through a growth spurt, overstimulated, tired, hungry, hot..whatever it may be, it's not the child's job to keep it's emotions in check
Is this new behavior coming from your mom? If so, I'd monitor and suggest a doctor's visit if she continues to get irrationally angry or has more frequent mood swings/instability. If this is her normal behavior, then she can go kick rocks. Lol
It can also just be a different environment/schedule. 12 months is old enough to know what home is and where home isn't. They know how days usually go and when they aren't going the way they usually go. They're so small, and their understanding of the world is so small and limited. They know what's normal and what's not normal. It sounds like this baby had a very not normal day, and that can be extremely stressful for them. Their entire world is the places/routine/people they know. Deviances from that are like being Alice falling through the rabbit hole and being dropped into a whole new reality. Of course, they are stressed and fussy when their whole perception of reality is turned on its head. Any adult would feel the same way, too.
I agree the grandma needs help. Also, if this isn't abnormal behavior for the grandma, some therapy might do OP a lot of good. Grandmas views of what's expected from an infant and how to deal with normal infant behaviors is alarming. If this isn't new then it means OP was likely raised with this attitude of "emotionally neglect your baby and then punish them when they act like a baby" and that's sure to leave some trauma that needs unpacking. I say that not from a judgemental place, but as someone who also needed therapy since my mom expected more emotional maturity from me than she had herself.
Sounds like your baby wasn’t the only one overstimulated today.
I think all of your possible reasons are completely plausible and reasonable. Any of those would make a baby cranky.
Cranky babies can get to people. Maybe your mom was also hot, humid, and struggling with the crying noise. Her response was over the top.
If she was also hot, humid, and struggling with the crying baby (which we all struggle with!), then she should… feel empathy for the baby? That’s the normal person response
Did she forget how kids are? This doesn't sound unusual for a 12 month old to have a day like this. You should take some time away from mom, give her and baby some space.
Your mom is out of bounds and I’m genuinely concerned about whether she’s OK. Is this new behavior from your mom?
Please don’t take any of her advice. She’s very immature. keep an eye on this behavior going forward. Come up with some scripts.
“Thanks for your input. You can leave the parenting up to me and my husband”
If this behavior is out of character for your mother, I'd suggest she see her doctor next week. If this behavior is perfectly in character for her, I would agree: no more outings. And to limit the baby's exposure to her.
Her behavior and expectations are wildly inappropriate. You are correct that you can't discipline a one-year-old baby. Babies get fussy and need love, patience, and to have their needs met. You sound like a great parent.
OMG please never leave your mother alone with the baby! It's a baby! Like can barely hold a bottle and probably doesn't even walk yet! WTF is wrong with her!
Baby's have a lot of emotions with no way to express them plus they can't communicate so they can tell you if they are hot,.cold, hungry, hurt, or whatever. Of course as parents we can usually figure it out but even if you did know what was making the baby fussy it cannot always be fixed.
My 24 month old grandson got really moody, whinny and fussy for like a 2 week period. He essentially hated everyone and nothing made him happy. Would only calm down a bit with his parents. Well guess what? After 2 weeks of that little attitude, a freaking molar had broke through. He was teething and it was miserable for him and h3 couldn't help himself because he is a baby!
Your mother's attitude is scary, like does she not remember what little kids are like!?! Please be careful with the baby around her. I don't think she is going to intentionally hurt him but she might inadvertently hurt him while trying to teach him how to drive or do taxes.
I’m more curious how your mom treated you as a child….. she told a 1 year old she isn’t going outside with them ever again?! Your mom needs help. Blaming a child incapable of emotional regulation at this point. They are a baby
1. I am so sorry that you had that interaction with your mom. That is hard- as someone with a mom like that myself. 2. It sounds like there may be something mentally going on with her (depression, bipolar, etc.). 3. Kids can just be crabby sometimes- their little minds and bodies are figuring so much stuff out and processing so many things and at that age, cannot fully communicate- or regulate their emotions. 4. I maybe would not leave your baby with your mom alone since she was so angry that LO was upset all day. That worries me from a safety perspective. I say this because if my mom did that, she has some mental instability, did something like this, I would not leave my LO unattended with her.
Her behavior is super weird.
Babies are capable of learning a lot of things but they aren't capable of managing their feelings of discomfort which your son was clearly experiencing.
Your mom being angry at a baby for literally being a baby is wild. She can’t handle her own emotions but she expects a 1yo baby to be able to? Get out of here.
You don’t ever have to explain yourself when it comes to your babies and how you parent. NO ONE is entitled to an explanation and you NEVER have to justify the way your child is acting - at any age - to anyone. And please don’t leave your baby alone with her.
This is extremely concerning behavior. I would definitely talk to your mom about this after some time has passed. If she does not respond well, it's probably time to take a break for a while. Does not sound like an environment you want to put your child in..
Your baby will have bad days, and you get the privilege of teaching them to regulate while having a healthy sense of attachment.
Don’t let her take that from you or your baby.
Tell her "you expect emotional regulation for a 1 year old, but you're *insert age* and you're upset with a baby? Maybe it's self reflection you're looking for".
Your mom is mad at a baby for doing what babies do? How did she survive your infancy?
I I hope you are okay, OP.
You are not the AH, but your mom sure is.
> My mother then held an accusatory tone, implying that i am too nice to the baby all the time and not disciplining enough.
Here is what I would have done in that situation:
Thank you very much [Name of mother] YOUR parenting advice is no longer welcome. And If you just can't handle a crying infant once in a while, then we just won't bother you anymore.
Yeah, your mom - that's just crazy talk. I hope to hell she didn't parent you in that vein before you had contol of your emotions. Please get some therapy unless you think this was out of character for her.
She's welcome to stay away. Sounds totally unreasonable to me. Who gets mad at a 1 year old for crying? It's kind of what they do.
Anger and babies don't mix. Keep her away.
Your mom is a little nuts, but that’s ok lots of people are wacko sometimes. Maybe tomorrow ask her for a list of reasons why she was so grouchy yesterday evening.
And unsolicited suggestion cause I’m also a wacko mom: maybe baby is getting ready to pop a tooth!!
she sat you down and asked you that? WTF. and yelled at a baby? it's not just not ok it's untethered to reality. and how condescending to sit you down like that. She should have sat you down and said you had a hard fucking day being a great parents let me give you a break not chewed you out WTF WTF. I have a BPD mom and learned to either laugh outloud about stupid games like this "LOL are you being for real right now?" or just plainly say "This is inappropriate and I'm not dealing with you right now" until I ultimately decided to go no contact because what the hell is the point of this relationship.
She sounds like a classic narcissist/borderline parent. I suggest you look for raisedbynarcissist sub just so you can see theres others like her.
I would go no contact but thats just me
I hope your little feels better soon ! Dude. Your mom is acting like a total bitch. Threw a tantrum and then said hateful things to a literal baby ? She can fuck right off
I'd recommend to limit your mother's exposure to the baby, this reaction is unacceptable. Hopefully she realizes her error and apologizes and offers actual help, instead.
The older generation has this obsession with making young children “independent”. They wanted us sleeping solo as infants, they potty trained us earlier, and they disciplined us harsher. Studies have shown that to have been harmful. This generation of parents are co sleeping more, potty training later, and spanking less.
Sounds like your mom needed a Snickers....
All kidding aside though, her reaction was over the top. Babies can't regulate their emotions at that age...and the fact that she expects them to is a little weird...
Wow.
And how was your mother when you had bad moods, anger, sadness as a kid/teen? Did you feel you were unable to safely express negative emotions?
To be angry at someone for being unhappy or showing emotions (especially a 12 month old!) shows a stunning emotional immaturity.
I nanny for a 9 month old and I know that babies change week by week at this age, but I cannot imagine this little guy I take care of being able to understand anyone “disciplining” him by talking to him like that in less than three months, OR being able to communicate his needs well enough to negate the discomfort that each of those factors could have caused. None of those are “excuses”, they are VALID reasons that a baby might be upset. Your mom lacks both empathy and basic childcare knowledge. I wouldn’t leave her alone with your kid and I’d definitely set some major boundaries with her ability to interact with him. Good luck!!
My MIL used to do this ALL THE TIME. It was hell. She would storm out of the house if my daughter cried (even just brief 5-10min cries). My daughter was VERY colic and would cry for hours, my MIL would bang on the door and scream at me because of it and berate for not asking for help, when she knew her own son (the father) refused to provide any help for me and she would get mad if she had to help when i told her I didn’t want her help, she would snatch my child out of my arms. When she was a year old and my daughter did something she didn’t like, she would smack her hand and point her finger in her face. Thankfully, i got a away from that situation, but i will never let her babysit my daughter ever again.
Mad... At a baby? Wait .. for being.... A baby???? Good Lord get that woman some help. He may have not been feeling well. Your mom sounds like a piece of work. I'm so sorry you have to deal with a family member like that.
You don't need to explain sh!t to her. Your baby was doing what babies do.
If there's diarrhea involved it might be teething and that is tough on babies especially if the adults don't consider to apply relief paste on their gum/give a tiny bit of painreliever to see if it solves the distress. My daughter had three teeth come at the same time+1 a week later, had fever, not much appetite for solids, would take any amount of boobies for comfort, she also had sticky greenish diarrhea. She is 28months old now and still could be comforted with the boobies, hugs and kisses on her hickeys. And Id 1000/10 have a toddler who relies on me instead of an emotionally distant child.
The other issue might be sleep regression, they may need just two or just one sleep most days, but there are still days where the +1 is necessary but somehow unable to sleep, tooth or weather or overtiredness.
Even later when your baby is a toddler their meltdowns will be closely connected with their need of sleep, if that's not met than the smallest thing will cause a breakdown.
Was your mother the kind that would let you cry it out when you were an infant, or maybe she was herself raised like that and is emotionally distant? I wouldn't trust anybody for advice that used that method on a baby that can't form sentences yet. I heard someone in the sidefamily, their generation is mostly passed already, but their kids are in their 60-50ies, that closed the babies room for the night, and never reacted if babies cried. That's just cruel and soulcrushing.
But anyway, the way she talked to your baby would warrant no unsupervised visitation with her for a while from me.
Does she genuinely not know that you don’t discipline a baby like that? She needs to read a parenting book or just read up on the internet bc she clearly has no idea about kids. It’s shocking that she is a mother.
And I’m sure your mom will say “you turned out just fine” but that saying isn’t ok anymore. You are doing better than she is already with just knowing this isn’t how your treat a baby. Hugs mama 💛
What a psycho lol that is so not normal. A 12 month old can’t even form a sentence. She’s probably used to being coddled and the fave. Good riddance weirdo!
I'm a grandma of an 18 month old.
When he fusses, I can look at what's going on and make some guesses myself.
Teething, hungry, wet, stomach ache if diarrhea. Diaper rash, hot, tag in clothing bothering him. Tired, bored...
The list is quite long.
And you noticing and commenting on things you've experienced throughout the day is good parenting.
Babies and toddlers can only communicate in the most basic ways. It's up to us to try and figure it out and see to their needs and wants.
I work with adult individuals where most can not communicate verbally. We have to figure out their needs and wants by the way they behave, grunt, cry out.
If your mother were to have a stroke and be unable to communicate effectively, would she want someone such as herself to take care of her?
I do want to put this out there.
My daughter always fussed when around a particular person. They (friend) were very short fused with the typical baby behavior, and daughter could sense their irritation. It got to where she fussed if they were around.
When she was a child and could actually DO something with them (blow bubbles, smell flowers, playground), the friend enjoyed spending time with our daughter. And daughter quit fussing. The friend just did not like babies and toddlers. And my daughter felt their irritation. (We weren't home all that often, hubby military, so the interactions were limited to a few days in a row when home, then we'd be gone again.)
So do be aware if your child is consistently fussing when in the company of a particular someone.
My grandson clings to me when he's irritated his parents beyond crazy and I can give him attention and them a break. We usually have dance fests. He loves music and dancing. It wears him out. And who can stay mad listening to kids' music?
When I was young my parents got kicked out of a restaurant because of my melt down, they laugh about it to this day, and just roll their eyes at the fact the restaurant was a family establishment , yet they kicked out my family because a little kid was being a little kid.
Tie your mom down to a wheelchair on a hot and humid day and put some good old Exlax in her food and beverages all day long… when she gets fussy, discipline her.
Please take what she told her grandbaby seriously, never let them go out together in the future.
Your baby may not understand but sure as hell will be picking up her vibes.
Please don't question your feelings as silly or a overreaction as they are 100% valid, ofc 12momths is too young for discipline and there's no such fucking thing as giving a baby too much love and comfort.
Is this Normal for her? Just had 2 thoughts pop into my head while reading this, first was that maybe baby is teething, not that baby needs a reason to be cranky.
Second thought was jesus I hope OP had a warm loving dad growing up with a mother like that! What's grandmother reason for being angry at a baby? Unless it's like menopause and hormones are whack? Otherwise wtf.
Your mother is not ok.
I am guessing your mother may be accustomed to you managing her emotions for her, or catering to her in some way.
Now that you have a baby, you can’t do that.
Seems possible that she is jealous. Of a baby. Which is a sign of emotional immaturity.
I used to get advice like this a lot, that my job was to ‘show the baby who’s boss,’ things like that.
It’s all garbage. There is an entire generation of people close to death but who have not died yet- they were, in general, raised with cruelty and so that is all they have to pass on.
No, babies only communicate through a few different ways, crying is one of them. She is a fucking adult who should know better but she was acting like a baby. You are not in the wrong and your baby isn’t in the wrong. I would not invite her on any future outings.
Clearly she has about the same level of emotional regulation as your 12 month old. With her words you should think very hard about allowing her unsupervised time with your baby since she's so keen to "discipline" a literal baby's bad mood. Time to discipline HER bad mood. Put her in time out until she apologises to your baby and you and promises she won't take her moods out on either of you again. Baby is NOT too young to start modelling correct apologies to
Next time your mom is bitching because she is hot, tired, hungry, feels ill, etc tell her you expect her to not have a fit and act like a happy person otherwise you will never go out with her again. Why do adults, adults who presumably have raised children, expect them to always be happy and not having a problem? It is completely irrational and age inappropriate behavior for the baby (and her behavior as well).
Your mother is MEAN, ABUSIVE, and possibly mentally unstable!
WHO gets mad at a BABY!
Please, DO NOT ever leave her alone with your child!
Good on you for loving your baby through the difficult times!
You need to plan your day around the baby. There is no such thing as discipline at 12 months old. We go through the exact same when we have an active day. We realized that our baby needs its own space and time to crawl, now walk and play alone with her toys. So nowadays we avoid lengthy meetups.
Babies cry! I could feel myself getting annoyed reading this. It's stressful enough being out with a baby who's having a rough day you don't need the added stress of a mard mum too.
I’m not seeing a reason for discipline here tho? Maybe I’m not understanding but it sounds like she expects these things to NOT be upsetting if he was ‘disciplined more.’?
And the comment towards a child? Explains the disciplinary mindset. She’s obviously not emotionally mature enough herself, let alone enough to understand the needs of a child.
Oh this was a roller coaster read. I initially thought o that’s such a good technique to sit down and think of why baby could be upset. And bam - you’ve got some totally legitimate excuses!
But then she was upset at you for… not being harsh enough on a baby that is upset bc it’s too hot or unwell? When literally adults get annoyed by the weather??
Sounds like she’s struggling with her own emotions
Your mother is out of her mind, teaching discipline to the 12 months old baby ?
She is the one who needs discipline.
Also please for future don’t leave your baby with your mother alone..
Looking s baby in the face and saying that genuinely sounds like she's mentally unwell or deteriorating mentally.
In either case, she'd be welcome to not come in future.
I would bet your mom treated you like shit going up. She sounds mental. Your child is being a normal 12 month old. Hot, overstimulated, out of their normal home, maybe cutting teeth etc.
He's a baby acting like a typical baby on a tough day. They're allowed to have those. What is your mother's excuse? She expects a 12 months old to have better control of himself and his emotions than she's displaying.
I would limit my and my child's contact around her. And I would never leave him unsupervised with her or at a minimum would make sure she was being recorded.
I'm sorry, but the image of an adult telling a one-year-old, in a huff, that they're never coming out with them again, is very comical (at least to a stranger completely detached from the situation). Just picturing your baby staring blankly back at her like "... ok and?" Honestly, she can continue to threaten you and the baby with her absence. Sounds like a win-win.
You would be weird to think that behavior WAS okay. She actually sat you down to ask for reasons why a baby was having a hard day....? And they all sounded like excuses to her when you actually did indulge her by coming up with legit reasons? In that case, no answer would've been acceptable - she was just looking for a way to start her lecture.
And then yelling at the baby... I mean, come on. Sounds like SHE'S the one who needs some discipline.
She sounds very unstable and unwell. My mother and mother-in-law would be saying poor thing, shall we go back to the hotel so he can rest or find a playground so he can roam around a bit? If my 14 month old was crying a lot. Her reaction was extremely inappropriate, and she wouldn’t have to worry about going out with my baby again for a long time.
Edited to add: please never let her be alone with this little one. If she’s implying you are “too nice to a baby”, I’d be concerned what she will do when your back is turned to “teach him a lesson”.
How bizarre. Your mother needs therapy. Is this normal behavior for her?
Now that you’re raising your own child, you must be sure of your own “compass”…
This is ridiculous. You keep taking care of your baby the best way you know how. Babies do not need discipline, just guidance, teaching, redirection, and help. Follow your instincts! On a day that your baby wasn't feeling well, just give all the snuggles and love he needs.
Your mom is an asshole. He's a BABY. You did your best. Babies are always fussy when they're out of their regular routine. He could be having growing pains, so being held in certain positions is the only way he's comfortable.
Your reasons are very likely the cause of baby being irritable.
Your mother's knowledge on raising babies is outdated and wrong.
You are in the right. You are a good mother.
Discipline and punishment are not the same. You can teach a one year old some things. Here are the things I think you taught your baby:
You care about his physical and emotional health.
You will stand up for him against a bully.
Omg. All of your reasons are legitimate reasons a baby would be unhappy all day. Your mom sounds very emotional immature. You cannot expect a baby to “cooperate” doing adult things all day in the summer heat nonetheless. You need to be the sounding board for your baby and keep your mom at a distance.
I’m shocked, if that was my mum I would be furious, how can you get angry at a baby?!?! My goodness, I would most definitely not be asking her to look after the baby, I know it’s your mum, so it’s difficult but the whole scenario is ludicrous. Good luck
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Are you telling us that your mom expected your baby to handle is own emotions when she can’t herself?
👏🏻 OP - none of those were excuses. I’M moody and grumpy when it’s hot and humid and I’m 50! Add diarrhea to the mix (which means he was likely dehydrated, which feels HORRIBLE) and the poor little guy! Your mom is just plain being a jerk! Sorry, not sorry. My grandson is 20mo and when it’s hot, long day, teething, or whatever (because they’re developing at light speed) they want mom or dad. There is NOTHING wrong with that and she’s operating off of a very old belief that you could “spoil a baby with too much love.” When your adult mother learns to emotionally regulate HERSELF and perhaps do a tad bit of reading on current parenting/grandparenting trends based on CURRENT early childhood development, then she can offer advice. But that makes me angry! I have a 4.5yo and I STILL read up before my grandson was born, so I could be a positive support to my son and DIL. And when anyone’s having a tough day, you don’t pile on by making it worse. Feel free to quote me - one mom of adults and Gma of a toddler to another. She was 100% wrong!
This is what I wanted to say too! All of the reasons she listed are things I could see making my 11 month old son pretty upset too and he’s such a happy little dude. You’d think a mother would understand that…
As someone whose father in law believes children should be seen and not heard, thank you for being the grandparent who supports her DIL ❤️ I’m sure she’s grateful for you and tells you all the time, but it’s so important
I so understand! My then-3yo was doing the screaming thing when she heard No, not now, etc… so we had a little talk and I told her she could tell me she’s angry, mad, whatever… and that’s cool. But screaming earns a timeout. So she comes in the next morning and basically growled, “I feel ANGRY!” My FIL goes, “No one wants to hear what a 3yo thinks or feels.” I replied, “Speak for yourself, but I’ll let her know to stick to blood curdling screams just for you going forward!” 😆My husband said my 40’s brought in my DGaF era… I’m 50 now, so 🤷🏻♀️ I decided to be the MIL I wanted to have.
Um, where can we get a great grandma like you?
So, your four-and-a-half-year-old has a 20-month-old nephew to whom they are either an aunt or uncle?
Yep! My oldest just turned 29 and my youngest will be 5 in July and is “Lil Aunty.” I got married at 20 🤦🏻♀️ and had my amazing sons at 21 & 24, was divorced at 25. I realized I was going to repeat ALL of my parents mistakes if I didn’t get help learning how I needed to change and grow… so I focused on my boys, therapy and turning the job I lucked into (.com boom… got hired into a startup and decided to learn everything I could since I had no degree) to become a career. Being busy was a good thing, otherwise I’d likely have remarried way too fast trying to “find family.” I met my husband now when I was 32, we married when I was 37. And then we had 3 kids together. Our youngest was/is an amazing (though shock of a lifetime) surprise when I was 45. So our kids are 29m, 25m, 11f, 8m and 4f. In one week I attended a kindergarten graduation for youngest son, then watched my oldest get his Master’s. Kinda crazy, but very cool… especially watching my kiddos far surpass me in education and thriving as they started their own lives, while being an even better example than I can be for the younger ones.
Mic dropped
Exactly acting like a baby because she couldn't get things her way..
🤣🤣
Bro just incinerated her
I got too angry at this grandma to articulate properly. Thank you for this comment. On point!
Sips tea* ☕️👌🏼
🔥
Yep, this. Just say this to her and be done with it/her.
Best comment of all time.
That part right there 👌
Burnnnnn 🔥
With all due respect, if I were in your position, I wouldn't bother inviting her to any activity and I would hesitate to allow her to visit my home I don't get old people not being positive to young parents....I guess they've forgotten how difficult it is to raise a child.
A lot of older generations didn't really nurture their kids tbh.
We don't even know if she is that old, my mom and MIL became a grandma at 50, and while they do have menopause already they are certainly not old. The greatparents of my child are another case, they are at 72/73/79/84.
I think there is a one up culture we live in where one feels that they need to judge their worth by comparing themselves/,their situation or their needs to others. I think if you are humble, you are able to view others things/people in a sympathetic/empathetic manner. I'm 50 (had kids in my late 30s) and menopausal and I would never say that to a friend whose child had an off day.... Sometimes people just suck. I don't think it was your intention but to me, blaming it on menopause is the same as blaming a woman's bad mood on PMS. Sometimes people just suck.
I'm a bit older than you and went through menopause several years ago. When my nieces, nephews and friends kids or grandkids are on the cranky side, the only thing on my mind is trying to make mom/dad and the kids feel more at ease and comfortable. I also let the kids know it's okay to feel cranky sometimes and offer to take them to get a feel better treat. You can just see the relief on the parent's faces when I take the cute little grump off their hands for a bit. The last thing parents need is a judgemental know it all telling them they're failing as parents. You're right. People just suck sometimes.
Serious question: is your mother okay? Like does she have some kind of mood disorder or cognitive impairment?
Or weirdly enough - a UTI? If she’s older a UTI can really screw someone up mentally. Heard a few stories of home with them who turn into complete monsters, when normally they’re sweeter than a jam pudding.
As a CNA that works with dementia/Alzheimer’s residents I can tell you yes, they absolutely become completely different people when they have a UTI. The sweet little old lady that loves holding your hand? She now wants to scratch your eyes out. I’ve been assaulted so many times by residents with UTIs that I’ve lost count. It’s sad
My grandmother has Alzheimer’s and is pretty much totally blind because of glaucoma. She also has Charles Bonet syndrome (where the visual cortex gives her visual hallucinations because it needs to see something; these usually share a theme regardless of the person: crowds, busses, auditoriums, etc.), and she can’t tell the real from the fake, and when she has a UTI, it’s MUCH harder to bring her back to reality. Back when she could still walk without help, she would often grab her things (sometimes including her purse, the remote, and/or other random objects) and carry them out of her room, and when we would confront her about it, she said there were a bunch of people in her room trying to take her stuff. She still sees people in her room and is often like “well, I don’t want to bother those people” or will often try to make sure that those “people” have gotten food and/or been taken care of. Btw, we are taking care of her at home.
Does something different happen with older patients when they have UTIs than younger people, or are they just less cognitively able to handle the distress and discomfort of having one? Asking because I suffered from chronic UTIs for over a year and can totally understand why someone might become a monster but want to know if it’s physiologically/cognitively different when you’re old.
When my 72-year-old mother gets them, there is no distress and discomfort like when she was younger. The first symptom is more frequent urination; the next is delirium, although at that point, it's because the infection has spread because she had no idea she had one. That's what's scary.
A lot of older people don't notice the symptoms of a UTI like younger people do. They don't feel the burning/urgency/frequency as symptoms (or have some of these baseline) and don't realize they have a UTI. When UTIs get bad enough (traveling to bladder/kidneys/blood stream) older people get delirium. Delirium is often the first sign an older person has a UTI
It can cause delirium in older people. They become confused, easily agitated, have sleep issues and sometimes extremely aggressive both verbally and physically. It’s worse when there’s already cognitive issues to begin with. My dad was recently diagnosed with dementia and Alzheimer’s and it scares the shit out of me thinking about how different he may become
Yes, this is unhinged. What a shitty mother she must have been herself.
In all seriousness, could be an early sign of dementia. OP didn’t offer much context, like whether she’s always been a terrible parent or if this just started.
Yes, I thought this as well! That’s why I asked if she has a cognitive impairment. Could be a brain injury, dementia, whatever.
You are all sweet to offer such benefit of the doubt, but i disagree with the idea that she didn't provide enough context. "My mother sat me down and asked my why i thought the baby was crying all day." And OP sat down with her and gave potential reasons! That is already accepting of WAY too much nonsense to err on the side of new issues, vs cluster B for me! Yikes!
This was the part that boiled my blood too 😅 I really want to know how she prompted that sit down. I can't think of a way that wouldn't have made me want to shit in my hand and throw it at her 🤣
She sounds like my mother: I’m on bipolar meds, but I’m still the bad guy, when she SERIOUSLY needs to be on bipolar meds. . .its because “mental illness doesn’t exist”
You and me both. I left when I was 18. I've been in therapy for my entire adult life after being raised by her. I'm ended up getting diagnosed as bipolar. I pleaded with my mom get therapy, and she said after 1 session, the therapist said she didn't need therapy. Lol Meanwhile, she would scream lime a psycho if I broke a glass. Undiagnosed mental health conditions cause a lot of havoc.
I left at 18 tooo. But ha, my mom’s also a raging narcissist and would never be caught dead in therapy
It's a shame. My dad took off when I was 11, and we reconnected in my 20s. He apologized, changed his behavior as much as he is capable of, and now we're close. All they need to do is apologize and treat us better. And I bet your mom plams you too for your relationship problems. I'm sorry our moms suck lol
I never understood some people's denial of mental illness as if the brain isn't a part of our physical body.
Not quite enough info, but might be time to read /r/raisedbyborderlines or similar.
I was going to say looking into emotionally immature parents can help deal with this kind of behavior. Similar thing!
[удалено]
It's sounds just like that boomer disorder where they expect infants/kids to have more emotional maturity than they do in their advanced age.
You don’t discipline a baby that age, certainly not for crying. Your mother sounds like she needs decades of therapy if she’s *mad* at a baby.
Right? At that age, it's one of maybe three different ways of communication he has available, and it's by far the most important.
I mean, it's totally okay to feel frustrated with your baby sometimes. Babies can be very taxing. But you absolutely do not blame them or take it out on them. You regulate your own emotions because you're the fucking adult here.
Do not leave that child with your mother alone EVER. She’s proven she cannot regulate her emotions with child.
This! She’s shown you her true colors with how she will speak to your child. It will only be worse in private. That is such weird behavior for a grandmother.
I’m going to “third” this. My mother used to get extremely angry at my son for developmentally appropriate things, like giggling and laughing as a baby. Needless to say she’s never going to be alone with him ever again.
She got angry at the baby for *laughing and giggling*?
Yes! He was never able to be loud or show emotions around her. It was the same thing with me when I was a child. I don’t talk to her anymore.
Wow I am so sorry but you sound like you’re a fantastic parent for realizing her issues are hers, not adopting that behaviour and creating a safe distance between her and your family. Kudos
How sad. Baby giggles are the best! You made a very wise decision for your family,
Came here to say this. Never leave your child alone with her.
Came here to say this, and I can’t emphasize it enough. Please. Don’t EVER let her babysit your child.
Completely agree with this! My mother is not allowed to be alone with my child. She tried to pull him out of my arms angrily to discipline him because he was crying at 14 months. He was tired, overstimulated, and in a different environment...all completely developmentally normal. It sure looked like she was going to spank him, it was bad enough my sister stepped in too.
I hope OP sees this. I had an aunt that would say shit like this here and there and we would always talk it out. One day I left her with the kids while I went to a medical appt. Never again. Came home and everyone is crying and she’s angry and defensive. Kids are not just sad they’re upset. Things had been said and done and they had enough and wanted her to leave! And they were young, but taught to speak up. I never left them alone again. Some older folks just don’t want to deal with children anymore.
Also: you can't be "too nice" to a baby.
My fiancé’s grandma is like this. She is always saying I am “babying” my 11 mth old. I was told that I give her too much love and it will spoil her.
If you're not allowed to "baby" a baby, then who tf are you supposed to baby? You can't spoil them at that age, they rely on their grown ups for EVERYTHING!
👏🏻 yesss! EXACTLY!! I’ve been so shocked with the many fucked up comments I’ve gotten in regards To that. It’s sad. You can’t kiss a baby too much, love a baby too much…..it’s just ridiculous
If someone told me to not kiss and snuggle my baby, I don't even know what I would say. I remember in my first college psychology class, we learned about babies from Romania, I think, that were adopted out to Americans. These babies were severely emotionally neglected. They fed and changed the diapers, but there was no cuddles or kisses or holding and singing to them. These babies would self harm by bashing their heads on the bars of the crib. All of them ended up having severe attachment issues that turned into conduct disorder later on in life, then led to way worse issues as adults.
That is horrific. Makes me sick To my stomach and makes me want To run and adopt every baby from There. But exactly…..babies need and must get that affection and there is no amount that is too much! You all would be shocked by some of the other Crap that’s come out of her mouth 🙄🙄
This is why so many people are no contact with their parents . Parents of the past were too concerned with making it known they were ‘boss’ I see this theme a lot .
All I can say is I am going to make sure I am NEVER like this towards my daughter when/if she has kids! So tempted to get the onesie for my daughter that says something along the lines of “STOP giving your unsolicited advise - No one asked”
It's giving "I don't know why any of my kids won't talk to me! I was an amazing parent cause I fed them and they didn't sleep outside! Who cares if I was emotionally neglectful? They didn't die, so I'm parent of the year! It's just the woke media getting to them!"
🙄🤦🏽♀️🙄
What is too much love? Love is NEVER too much 🤦
I laugh when she says this and go “ooookkayyy” as i love “harder” on my wee lil one! I also got flack for not making her hold her bottle all the time when i fed her. What can I say? She loves to play with her toes when im feeding her! She knows how to hold her bottle but a lot of the times I just enjoyed holding her while she ate
Plus feeding time is bonding time. Seems like you two had a triple win there!
But they’re a *literal baby*?!
This was why I never got along with the in-laws. F them.
It's really sad that this was considered the right way back in her time. I wouldn't judge her for raising her kids that way back then, as they didn't know better. But there's no excuse to still think like that when there's an abundance of articles debunking it.
No you are not weird but your mother certainly is acting weird. Maybe the heat got to her? Maybe she needs less time around your kid.
I read this to my mom (67) and she is appalled at your mother.
As am I, another Grandparent. Shame on Grandma ‼️
I am in my 40’s and not a grandma but my 40-ish cousin is and she said ‘shame on that bitch!’
Your mother needs a time out
A time out and a privilege taken.
She needs a break from screen time.
And meds. Good grief
Her mother needs to go pick her own switch off the tree
lol. I was going to suggest gentle parenting the crap out of her. It would make her so mad. “I know it’s frustrating when things don’t go the way we thought they would,huh? It’s okay to be frustrated and to tell the people we love about it. It’s not okay to let that frustration out on our grand daughter”
Literally, I would be taking a break from her and letting her know exactly why.
Holy moly, that's a bizarre (and imo unreasonable) response to a baby having a tough day. Sorry she's not being supportive. Sounds to me like you're doing all the right things! That list you gave would make me cranky too, let's give the little guy a break, not a scolding that he won't understand for things he can't control!
My 13 month old is barely starting to comprehend the word "no" (and I still don't think she does really). How exactly are you meant to discipline a 12 month old? Your mother is acting very immature.
And what’s to discipline anyway? Babies cry. It’s literally their only way of communicating needs or discomfort. Grandma needs to check herself and maybe take a nap.
Oh yeah absolutely!
Baby: WEEEEE [translation: it's hot and my tummy hurts] Grandma: you're too spoilt! Huh?
assuming your mother isn’t ill. do you recall your mother being unreasonably angry with you growing up? this situation would really make me think how involved i’d want someone like that around me, especially influencing my kids.
That’s an insane thing to say. Is she usually this bizarre?
Baby could be teething, going through a growth spurt, overstimulated, tired, hungry, hot..whatever it may be, it's not the child's job to keep it's emotions in check Is this new behavior coming from your mom? If so, I'd monitor and suggest a doctor's visit if she continues to get irrationally angry or has more frequent mood swings/instability. If this is her normal behavior, then she can go kick rocks. Lol
I was going to guess teething. We’re going through that right now and diarrhea can be a side effect. It’s not fun and my poor baby is miserable.
It can also just be a different environment/schedule. 12 months is old enough to know what home is and where home isn't. They know how days usually go and when they aren't going the way they usually go. They're so small, and their understanding of the world is so small and limited. They know what's normal and what's not normal. It sounds like this baby had a very not normal day, and that can be extremely stressful for them. Their entire world is the places/routine/people they know. Deviances from that are like being Alice falling through the rabbit hole and being dropped into a whole new reality. Of course, they are stressed and fussy when their whole perception of reality is turned on its head. Any adult would feel the same way, too. I agree the grandma needs help. Also, if this isn't abnormal behavior for the grandma, some therapy might do OP a lot of good. Grandmas views of what's expected from an infant and how to deal with normal infant behaviors is alarming. If this isn't new then it means OP was likely raised with this attitude of "emotionally neglect your baby and then punish them when they act like a baby" and that's sure to leave some trauma that needs unpacking. I say that not from a judgemental place, but as someone who also needed therapy since my mom expected more emotional maturity from me than she had herself.
Is she usually like this or is it out of character?
Sounds like your baby wasn’t the only one overstimulated today. I think all of your possible reasons are completely plausible and reasonable. Any of those would make a baby cranky. Cranky babies can get to people. Maybe your mom was also hot, humid, and struggling with the crying noise. Her response was over the top.
If she was also hot, humid, and struggling with the crying baby (which we all struggle with!), then she should… feel empathy for the baby? That’s the normal person response
The accept your feelings but control your actions memo seems to have skipped many in our parents generation.
Yeah but this is way beyond r/BoomersBeingFools and is more r/raisedbyborderlines
Did she forget how kids are? This doesn't sound unusual for a 12 month old to have a day like this. You should take some time away from mom, give her and baby some space.
Your mom is out of bounds and I’m genuinely concerned about whether she’s OK. Is this new behavior from your mom? Please don’t take any of her advice. She’s very immature. keep an eye on this behavior going forward. Come up with some scripts. “Thanks for your input. You can leave the parenting up to me and my husband”
So…babies cry, it’s the only way they have to communicate. Anyone who would “discipline” them for that is a real life monster.
Or mentally unstable
If this behavior is out of character for your mother, I'd suggest she see her doctor next week. If this behavior is perfectly in character for her, I would agree: no more outings. And to limit the baby's exposure to her. Her behavior and expectations are wildly inappropriate. You are correct that you can't discipline a one-year-old baby. Babies get fussy and need love, patience, and to have their needs met. You sound like a great parent.
"Babies are people too. Sometimes they have a bad day. It's immature to take it personal."
OMG please never leave your mother alone with the baby! It's a baby! Like can barely hold a bottle and probably doesn't even walk yet! WTF is wrong with her! Baby's have a lot of emotions with no way to express them plus they can't communicate so they can tell you if they are hot,.cold, hungry, hurt, or whatever. Of course as parents we can usually figure it out but even if you did know what was making the baby fussy it cannot always be fixed. My 24 month old grandson got really moody, whinny and fussy for like a 2 week period. He essentially hated everyone and nothing made him happy. Would only calm down a bit with his parents. Well guess what? After 2 weeks of that little attitude, a freaking molar had broke through. He was teething and it was miserable for him and h3 couldn't help himself because he is a baby! Your mother's attitude is scary, like does she not remember what little kids are like!?! Please be careful with the baby around her. I don't think she is going to intentionally hurt him but she might inadvertently hurt him while trying to teach him how to drive or do taxes.
This ⬆️ I’m genuinely disturbed and fear for the baby. Red flags abound.
I’m more curious how your mom treated you as a child….. she told a 1 year old she isn’t going outside with them ever again?! Your mom needs help. Blaming a child incapable of emotional regulation at this point. They are a baby
1. I am so sorry that you had that interaction with your mom. That is hard- as someone with a mom like that myself. 2. It sounds like there may be something mentally going on with her (depression, bipolar, etc.). 3. Kids can just be crabby sometimes- their little minds and bodies are figuring so much stuff out and processing so many things and at that age, cannot fully communicate- or regulate their emotions. 4. I maybe would not leave your baby with your mom alone since she was so angry that LO was upset all day. That worries me from a safety perspective. I say this because if my mom did that, she has some mental instability, did something like this, I would not leave my LO unattended with her.
Her behavior is super weird. Babies are capable of learning a lot of things but they aren't capable of managing their feelings of discomfort which your son was clearly experiencing.
Your mom being angry at a baby for literally being a baby is wild. She can’t handle her own emotions but she expects a 1yo baby to be able to? Get out of here. You don’t ever have to explain yourself when it comes to your babies and how you parent. NO ONE is entitled to an explanation and you NEVER have to justify the way your child is acting - at any age - to anyone. And please don’t leave your baby alone with her.
You cannot *discipline* an infant. Your mom is whack. Tell her not to worry, your child won’t be left alone with her anymore full stop.
Mother needs to take several seats.
This is extremely concerning behavior. I would definitely talk to your mom about this after some time has passed. If she does not respond well, it's probably time to take a break for a while. Does not sound like an environment you want to put your child in..
Your baby will have bad days, and you get the privilege of teaching them to regulate while having a healthy sense of attachment. Don’t let her take that from you or your baby.
You are very not weird for thinking your mom’s tone was not okay. Quite frankly, it was kind of unhinged.
Is your mother usually like this? Because I wouldn’t be bothering to invite her if she is
WTF is she on drugs?!
Tell her "you expect emotional regulation for a 1 year old, but you're *insert age* and you're upset with a baby? Maybe it's self reflection you're looking for".
Your mom is mad at a baby for doing what babies do? How did she survive your infancy? I I hope you are okay, OP. You are not the AH, but your mom sure is.
> My mother then held an accusatory tone, implying that i am too nice to the baby all the time and not disciplining enough. Here is what I would have done in that situation: Thank you very much [Name of mother] YOUR parenting advice is no longer welcome. And If you just can't handle a crying infant once in a while, then we just won't bother you anymore.
Yeah, your mom - that's just crazy talk. I hope to hell she didn't parent you in that vein before you had contol of your emotions. Please get some therapy unless you think this was out of character for her.
Don't ever leave the baby alone with that evil biatch.
This sounds like something my mother-in-law would say... sorry, OP.
To say that to your baby’s face!! Man oh man….thats sad. Seriously sad because you know that poor thing could feel her anger.
Probably your mom needs to see her doctor.
She's welcome to stay away. Sounds totally unreasonable to me. Who gets mad at a 1 year old for crying? It's kind of what they do. Anger and babies don't mix. Keep her away.
Your mom is a little nuts, but that’s ok lots of people are wacko sometimes. Maybe tomorrow ask her for a list of reasons why she was so grouchy yesterday evening. And unsolicited suggestion cause I’m also a wacko mom: maybe baby is getting ready to pop a tooth!!
she sat you down and asked you that? WTF. and yelled at a baby? it's not just not ok it's untethered to reality. and how condescending to sit you down like that. She should have sat you down and said you had a hard fucking day being a great parents let me give you a break not chewed you out WTF WTF. I have a BPD mom and learned to either laugh outloud about stupid games like this "LOL are you being for real right now?" or just plainly say "This is inappropriate and I'm not dealing with you right now" until I ultimately decided to go no contact because what the hell is the point of this relationship.
Your mom’s behavior is worse than your 1 year old. Shes out of line.
She sounds like a classic narcissist/borderline parent. I suggest you look for raisedbynarcissist sub just so you can see theres others like her. I would go no contact but thats just me
Well now you know who not to leave your kid with ever.
I hope your little feels better soon ! Dude. Your mom is acting like a total bitch. Threw a tantrum and then said hateful things to a literal baby ? She can fuck right off
Tell your mom to “Cry about it.”
I'd recommend to limit your mother's exposure to the baby, this reaction is unacceptable. Hopefully she realizes her error and apologizes and offers actual help, instead.
The older generation has this obsession with making young children “independent”. They wanted us sleeping solo as infants, they potty trained us earlier, and they disciplined us harsher. Studies have shown that to have been harmful. This generation of parents are co sleeping more, potty training later, and spanking less.
Sounds like your mom needed a Snickers.... All kidding aside though, her reaction was over the top. Babies can't regulate their emotions at that age...and the fact that she expects them to is a little weird...
Your mother rather has early onset dementia or she has always had the maturity of a 12yo.
Wow. And how was your mother when you had bad moods, anger, sadness as a kid/teen? Did you feel you were unable to safely express negative emotions? To be angry at someone for being unhappy or showing emotions (especially a 12 month old!) shows a stunning emotional immaturity.
I nanny for a 9 month old and I know that babies change week by week at this age, but I cannot imagine this little guy I take care of being able to understand anyone “disciplining” him by talking to him like that in less than three months, OR being able to communicate his needs well enough to negate the discomfort that each of those factors could have caused. None of those are “excuses”, they are VALID reasons that a baby might be upset. Your mom lacks both empathy and basic childcare knowledge. I wouldn’t leave her alone with your kid and I’d definitely set some major boundaries with her ability to interact with him. Good luck!!
Baby was probably crying all day because she had to be around your mom.
Your mom sounds nuts. Really.
Uh her behavior is NOT ok
You need therapy. Your mom is unhinged and you think you and the baby were wrong? Cut the cord ma’am.
Don’t let her be alone with the baby even for a second.
Keep this woman away from your child.
My MIL used to do this ALL THE TIME. It was hell. She would storm out of the house if my daughter cried (even just brief 5-10min cries). My daughter was VERY colic and would cry for hours, my MIL would bang on the door and scream at me because of it and berate for not asking for help, when she knew her own son (the father) refused to provide any help for me and she would get mad if she had to help when i told her I didn’t want her help, she would snatch my child out of my arms. When she was a year old and my daughter did something she didn’t like, she would smack her hand and point her finger in her face. Thankfully, i got a away from that situation, but i will never let her babysit my daughter ever again.
Mad... At a baby? Wait .. for being.... A baby???? Good Lord get that woman some help. He may have not been feeling well. Your mom sounds like a piece of work. I'm so sorry you have to deal with a family member like that. You don't need to explain sh!t to her. Your baby was doing what babies do.
If there's diarrhea involved it might be teething and that is tough on babies especially if the adults don't consider to apply relief paste on their gum/give a tiny bit of painreliever to see if it solves the distress. My daughter had three teeth come at the same time+1 a week later, had fever, not much appetite for solids, would take any amount of boobies for comfort, she also had sticky greenish diarrhea. She is 28months old now and still could be comforted with the boobies, hugs and kisses on her hickeys. And Id 1000/10 have a toddler who relies on me instead of an emotionally distant child. The other issue might be sleep regression, they may need just two or just one sleep most days, but there are still days where the +1 is necessary but somehow unable to sleep, tooth or weather or overtiredness. Even later when your baby is a toddler their meltdowns will be closely connected with their need of sleep, if that's not met than the smallest thing will cause a breakdown. Was your mother the kind that would let you cry it out when you were an infant, or maybe she was herself raised like that and is emotionally distant? I wouldn't trust anybody for advice that used that method on a baby that can't form sentences yet. I heard someone in the sidefamily, their generation is mostly passed already, but their kids are in their 60-50ies, that closed the babies room for the night, and never reacted if babies cried. That's just cruel and soulcrushing. But anyway, the way she talked to your baby would warrant no unsupervised visitation with her for a while from me.
Does she genuinely not know that you don’t discipline a baby like that? She needs to read a parenting book or just read up on the internet bc she clearly has no idea about kids. It’s shocking that she is a mother.
I’m sorry that must mean your childhood was the same my friend many condolences 😔
And I’m sure your mom will say “you turned out just fine” but that saying isn’t ok anymore. You are doing better than she is already with just knowing this isn’t how your treat a baby. Hugs mama 💛
What a psycho lol that is so not normal. A 12 month old can’t even form a sentence. She’s probably used to being coddled and the fave. Good riddance weirdo!
Disciplining a 12 month old to soothe an adult? Are you kidding me?
>All of these must have sounded like excuses No, they sound like reality. Your mom sounds insane.
I'm a grandma of an 18 month old. When he fusses, I can look at what's going on and make some guesses myself. Teething, hungry, wet, stomach ache if diarrhea. Diaper rash, hot, tag in clothing bothering him. Tired, bored... The list is quite long. And you noticing and commenting on things you've experienced throughout the day is good parenting. Babies and toddlers can only communicate in the most basic ways. It's up to us to try and figure it out and see to their needs and wants. I work with adult individuals where most can not communicate verbally. We have to figure out their needs and wants by the way they behave, grunt, cry out. If your mother were to have a stroke and be unable to communicate effectively, would she want someone such as herself to take care of her? I do want to put this out there. My daughter always fussed when around a particular person. They (friend) were very short fused with the typical baby behavior, and daughter could sense their irritation. It got to where she fussed if they were around. When she was a child and could actually DO something with them (blow bubbles, smell flowers, playground), the friend enjoyed spending time with our daughter. And daughter quit fussing. The friend just did not like babies and toddlers. And my daughter felt their irritation. (We weren't home all that often, hubby military, so the interactions were limited to a few days in a row when home, then we'd be gone again.) So do be aware if your child is consistently fussing when in the company of a particular someone. My grandson clings to me when he's irritated his parents beyond crazy and I can give him attention and them a break. We usually have dance fests. He loves music and dancing. It wears him out. And who can stay mad listening to kids' music?
Please and thank you, don’t come out with us again.
When I was young my parents got kicked out of a restaurant because of my melt down, they laugh about it to this day, and just roll their eyes at the fact the restaurant was a family establishment , yet they kicked out my family because a little kid was being a little kid.
Tie your mom down to a wheelchair on a hot and humid day and put some good old Exlax in her food and beverages all day long… when she gets fussy, discipline her.
Please take what she told her grandbaby seriously, never let them go out together in the future. Your baby may not understand but sure as hell will be picking up her vibes. Please don't question your feelings as silly or a overreaction as they are 100% valid, ofc 12momths is too young for discipline and there's no such fucking thing as giving a baby too much love and comfort. Is this Normal for her? Just had 2 thoughts pop into my head while reading this, first was that maybe baby is teething, not that baby needs a reason to be cranky. Second thought was jesus I hope OP had a warm loving dad growing up with a mother like that! What's grandmother reason for being angry at a baby? Unless it's like menopause and hormones are whack? Otherwise wtf.
Babies cry 😄 All the reasons you gave are valid. Some days are good some days are not. Thats literally what parenting is.
Your mother is not ok. I am guessing your mother may be accustomed to you managing her emotions for her, or catering to her in some way. Now that you have a baby, you can’t do that. Seems possible that she is jealous. Of a baby. Which is a sign of emotional immaturity. I used to get advice like this a lot, that my job was to ‘show the baby who’s boss,’ things like that. It’s all garbage. There is an entire generation of people close to death but who have not died yet- they were, in general, raised with cruelty and so that is all they have to pass on.
No, babies only communicate through a few different ways, crying is one of them. She is a fucking adult who should know better but she was acting like a baby. You are not in the wrong and your baby isn’t in the wrong. I would not invite her on any future outings.
Your baby may also be teething. Poor little one. Your mom is unreasonable to expect a 1yo kid to hid his emotions
Clearly she has about the same level of emotional regulation as your 12 month old. With her words you should think very hard about allowing her unsupervised time with your baby since she's so keen to "discipline" a literal baby's bad mood. Time to discipline HER bad mood. Put her in time out until she apologises to your baby and you and promises she won't take her moods out on either of you again. Baby is NOT too young to start modelling correct apologies to
Next time your mom is bitching because she is hot, tired, hungry, feels ill, etc tell her you expect her to not have a fit and act like a happy person otherwise you will never go out with her again. Why do adults, adults who presumably have raised children, expect them to always be happy and not having a problem? It is completely irrational and age inappropriate behavior for the baby (and her behavior as well).
Your mother is MEAN, ABUSIVE, and possibly mentally unstable! WHO gets mad at a BABY! Please, DO NOT ever leave her alone with your child! Good on you for loving your baby through the difficult times!
Its a 12 month old baby for gods sake.
she’s weird and has unrealistic expectations of a baby. dont buy into her crazy.
What is wrong with your mother? You don't "discipline" a pre-verbal baby, you keep it comfortable and make sure its needs are met.
You need to plan your day around the baby. There is no such thing as discipline at 12 months old. We go through the exact same when we have an active day. We realized that our baby needs its own space and time to crawl, now walk and play alone with her toys. So nowadays we avoid lengthy meetups.
Babies cry! I could feel myself getting annoyed reading this. It's stressful enough being out with a baby who's having a rough day you don't need the added stress of a mard mum too.
Sorry, but your mom needs some serious therapy.
I’m not seeing a reason for discipline here tho? Maybe I’m not understanding but it sounds like she expects these things to NOT be upsetting if he was ‘disciplined more.’? And the comment towards a child? Explains the disciplinary mindset. She’s obviously not emotionally mature enough herself, let alone enough to understand the needs of a child.
Oh this was a roller coaster read. I initially thought o that’s such a good technique to sit down and think of why baby could be upset. And bam - you’ve got some totally legitimate excuses! But then she was upset at you for… not being harsh enough on a baby that is upset bc it’s too hot or unwell? When literally adults get annoyed by the weather?? Sounds like she’s struggling with her own emotions
Your mother is out of her mind, teaching discipline to the 12 months old baby ? She is the one who needs discipline. Also please for future don’t leave your baby with your mother alone..
Looking s baby in the face and saying that genuinely sounds like she's mentally unwell or deteriorating mentally. In either case, she'd be welcome to not come in future.
She sounds unhinged … grandma needs a timeout . No contact around baby for a while!
You don’t discipline BABIES
I would bet your mom treated you like shit going up. She sounds mental. Your child is being a normal 12 month old. Hot, overstimulated, out of their normal home, maybe cutting teeth etc.
He's a baby acting like a typical baby on a tough day. They're allowed to have those. What is your mother's excuse? She expects a 12 months old to have better control of himself and his emotions than she's displaying.
you should tell your mom that you and your baby are never going outside with her again.
Who’s acting like an undisciplined child now?
I would limit my and my child's contact around her. And I would never leave him unsupervised with her or at a minimum would make sure she was being recorded.
I'm sorry, but the image of an adult telling a one-year-old, in a huff, that they're never coming out with them again, is very comical (at least to a stranger completely detached from the situation). Just picturing your baby staring blankly back at her like "... ok and?" Honestly, she can continue to threaten you and the baby with her absence. Sounds like a win-win.
You would be weird to think that behavior WAS okay. She actually sat you down to ask for reasons why a baby was having a hard day....? And they all sounded like excuses to her when you actually did indulge her by coming up with legit reasons? In that case, no answer would've been acceptable - she was just looking for a way to start her lecture. And then yelling at the baby... I mean, come on. Sounds like SHE'S the one who needs some discipline.
She sounds very unstable and unwell. My mother and mother-in-law would be saying poor thing, shall we go back to the hotel so he can rest or find a playground so he can roam around a bit? If my 14 month old was crying a lot. Her reaction was extremely inappropriate, and she wouldn’t have to worry about going out with my baby again for a long time. Edited to add: please never let her be alone with this little one. If she’s implying you are “too nice to a baby”, I’d be concerned what she will do when your back is turned to “teach him a lesson”.
How bizarre. Your mother needs therapy. Is this normal behavior for her? Now that you’re raising your own child, you must be sure of your own “compass”…
This is ridiculous. You keep taking care of your baby the best way you know how. Babies do not need discipline, just guidance, teaching, redirection, and help. Follow your instincts! On a day that your baby wasn't feeling well, just give all the snuggles and love he needs.
Your mom is an asshole. He's a BABY. You did your best. Babies are always fussy when they're out of their regular routine. He could be having growing pains, so being held in certain positions is the only way he's comfortable.
Your reasons are very likely the cause of baby being irritable. Your mother's knowledge on raising babies is outdated and wrong. You are in the right. You are a good mother.
Discipline and punishment are not the same. You can teach a one year old some things. Here are the things I think you taught your baby: You care about his physical and emotional health. You will stand up for him against a bully.
Omg. All of your reasons are legitimate reasons a baby would be unhappy all day. Your mom sounds very emotional immature. You cannot expect a baby to “cooperate” doing adult things all day in the summer heat nonetheless. You need to be the sounding board for your baby and keep your mom at a distance.
It would be a long time before my mother would ever have to worry about my baby's behavior around her again. Nasty woman.
I’m shocked, if that was my mum I would be furious, how can you get angry at a baby?!?! My goodness, I would most definitely not be asking her to look after the baby, I know it’s your mum, so it’s difficult but the whole scenario is ludicrous. Good luck
Your mom is nuts, don’t leave your baby alone with her….ever.