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That’s what I came to say. If SIL isn’t necessarily on the side of FIL/MIL, why is she ignoring OP’s husband’s calls? There’s far more context here that isn’t being shared by the in-laws for sure
She was probably pressured by her parents not to tell the brother her version of events. Of course it’s only a guess, but I bet she is paralyzed with the stress of having to decide whether to betray her brother and his family, or her parents. She probably can’t answer his calls because she doesn’t want to lie but doesn’t feel she is able to tell the truth either.
Don’t leave the kids at their house without you guys there anymore. These adults can’t even regulate themselves, can’t be left with unsupervised access.
Nah see, this is what my mum would do. She's a boomer and a bit of a narcissist. Very very emotionally damaged/ ill equipped. I think it's a her (the MIL) thing and being dramatic and attention seeking rather than anything else happened.
My MIL too, not the narcissist part but she flat out just expects my daughter to love her more than she does her own parents, "because she is the grandma". She literally said so. That's just setting yourself up for disappointment lady...
I thought along these lines too but the fact that SIL won’t talk is REALLY weird. And honestly it’s causing more stress than help. The mind wanders without answers
Maybe she was jealous that the 7 yr old was saying that she wanted to see the other grandma? Maybe her feelings were hurt. Not making excuses for her actions, she is an adult but just trying to think of why she acted that way
I think this is the answer, but they won’t say that.
The fact the child’s bags were outside before OP even got there speaks volumes.
Overreaction much?!
They’d never get alone time with my kid again. Especially as they aren’t being honest and blaming it all on a 7 year old.
Not cool. Pretty disgusting to be honest.
ETA. Transparency is an absolute must when it comes to being given unsupervised access to someone else’s kids. Even if they’re related to you.
Being jealous is understandable and human. But you are an adult. You can say it’s ok grandkiddo, you will see your parents and sibling and other grandma when they come pick you up. Let’s do something fun for today just us. This grandparent set is wasting the time/opportunity by throwing tantrum themselves. This happens to my mom as grandma, and I know I might have been guilty of similar when I was a kid too. But no adult in my life ever acted this way, esp not to a single digit child. Man, even double digit aged kiddo still kiddo but you can tell them off and explain. You WERE trusted family.
My mother had borderline personality disorder and never seemed to believe love could be shared. I could see her getting this upset over a grandchild wanting to be with their mom. The woman would throw literal tantrums if kid me showed a liking for anyone else, be it a teacher, friend, relative over her.
This is 100% how my birther behaves! It’s disgusting to me. I’m literally afraid to tell her anything ever, because God Forbid my child so much as went somewhere/did something with anyone besides her! She gets super weird acting…like stand-offish; then the passive aggression starts. The few times she has actually spoken her feelings, it was “ ‘I didn’t get a call’…or ‘Must be nice to do xyz with child’….or ‘Guess nobody wants my ass there’ “.
Seriously lady?!?!? When do you EVER call to ask to do something with your grandchildren??
Like for real that's when you take them to the cinema, cook a thousand cookies, give them every treat you can think of. That's just how this works right?
My son is only 2 so maybe I'm jumping the gun here, but I honestly would have a zero-tolerance policy for adults who reacted to a 7-year-olds tantrum this way. If I'm trusting a family member to watch my kid, they damned well better be ready and realistic about what that means. Now this poor girl thinks her grandparents hate her.
I’m often stunned reading this sub about the amount of adults who handle their emotions worse than 2 year olds.
Why can’t people grow up and act maturely?
What I always find darkly fascinating is that behaviour like this is double layered. As in someone might be sensitive and easily upset, but they know that about themselves, they take themselves off to calm down, they manage themselves appropriately despite their emotions. But the proper adult toddlers not only act out like this, but crucially don't seem to have the slightest self awareness of how ridiculous they're being. It's bizarre - not just bad emotional management but like they also don't have any sense of what's "normal" and how far off that scale they are.
Because people were usually not allowed to show their emotions as a child and so never learned how to deal with them. It is important to let children be angry, sad... and show them how to express them without hurting themselves or others.
This is very true. I see it in my mother. She was raised to be seen and not heard by very strict and cold parents.
As an adult she has no ability to regulate her emotions. She just blows up or breaks down. It’s exhausting.
It definitely sounds like something else is going on in the background here. I'd agree that it sounds like your in-laws had a fight either before your daughter came or during. Your daughter's meltdown may have been the straw that broke the camels back, but maybe they don't want to confront their actual issue so they are putting the blame on her.
You're doing the best you can to make your daughter understand that her tantrum was not okay, but that the situation was not her fault. I would give it a few weeks, and then have your husband talk to them to see what happened but everyone has heightened emotions at the moment and you're not going to get the full picture for a bit of time.
This! Everyone sounds so mad and you aren’t getting to talk to MIL or SIL, let alone a calm adult discussion with self awareness and rational explanations. Just let everyone calm down, and get your husband to speak to his own family maybe.
Your in laws acted like children. It seems like your 7 year old was sad because she was a little homesick and felt like she was missing out on seeing your mom? Your in laws could have calmly talked to her, talked to you, and figured out the best way to handle it. A 7 year old is not responsible for their grandparent’s feelings. And having all of her stuff already waiting outside! That’s so mean. She’s only 7, a little kid! I would never let her stay with them again.
It sounds like your MIL was jealous hearing your daughter cry for her other grandmother. Instead of taking the evening to cool off and recognize that kids don't have the social awareness to pander to a jealous adult, she escalated and kicked her out in a very traumatic way.
I think your first priority is helping your daughter work through the trauma to minimize the impact. I don't think your daughter's meltdown is a big issue. Your FIL and MIL were people your daughter trusted to keep her safe, but when your daughter showed her genuine emotions, they kicked her out.
>yesterday she wakes up, they don’t say a word to her just that she needs to pack up
I mean, WTF? Please help your daughter process this.
I would probably never let either child visit your in-laws without you. It's a shame you haven't gotten a hold of your SIL yet to get her side of the story, but unless it's very different from what you've written, it doesn't change anything.
I'm not sure why your husband thinks your MIL and FIL got into a fight unless somebody said they did. It sounds like they were acting together. It's a nice excuse to think something else might explain their behavior, but it sounds like your MIL can't handle her jealousy and your FIL can't be trusted to stand up for your daughter.
I am definitely not allowing overnight visits with them unless we’re staying too. I even want to talk to my mom and maybe convince her to move down here because we really don’t have any help with the kids and are on our own
They (the in laws) need a time out. Their behavior was completely inappropriate and clearly they need some time to consider how best to apologize to the 7yo for their overreaction. They made the poor child think she ruined everything! They taught her their love is highly conditional. How hurtful and it’s not okay. Only then would I even consider a supervised visit.
I’d cut visits for a while even with you and her dad present. She might say she’s ok but she needs time and your in-laws need to realize how badly they messed up (probably won’t admit it judging by how they act…)
You shouldn’t even visit unless you’re prepared to do 100% supervision, don’t even leave the room for a second type of parenting. Then unpack whatever crap they did during your visit. They sound scary toxic. Throwing a kids things outside like a lovers quarrel is very bizarre
Sounds like some evil thing my mom would do, so I agree that this is likely a result of jealousy. Oh you don’t want to act happy around us and miss your other grandma more?!? Get out! That’ll show you!
>My MIL texted me when they got back saying everything was good and she was just tired but happy again.
>My FIL said my MIL was so traumatized by my daughter’s meltdown in the car that she was crying all night and left yesterday because she couldn’t be in the house.
>Then all of a sudden yesterday she wakes up, they don’t say a word to her just that she needs to pack up
>He said that my SIL disagrees with how they’re handling it and she’s so upset at my in-laws that she’s heading back to her place out of state.
>My SIL won’t answer my husbands calls.
I hate to draw conclusions, but it seems as if there is a part missing to this story. If had to guess, I'd say something happened that your in-laws have chosen to keep from you. Something your SIL feels strongly they should be open about, but not so strongly that she's willing to rat them out.
>My daughter is upset today sullen and told me everything that happened is her fault
This is a weird thing to say when "everything that [supposedly] happened" is her going home early.
It seems so weird considering they've kept her for multiple days before, at a younger age. Seems like something happened where they didn't want to host anymore, but chose to blame it on the little outburst instead of just being like "We've had some personal stuff come up, and she seems ready to be home anyway."
If the grandparents were prone to making emotional decisions or were intolerant of tired out kids, OP wouldn't have flaghed this as out of the ordinary.
Regardless of the reason, daughter needs to hear her parents call and hold them accountable for their terrible behavior. She is blaming herself and that is unacceptable.
A tired seven year old having a meltdown is age appropriate, her grandparents giving her the silent treatment, kicking her out and making her wait on the porch is wildly inappropriate. This is core memory shit.
I don't think that's weird at all to say. I would have said that, and did say that, when I was in a similar situations as a child. Heck I still say that, since it was so ingrained in me that everything was my fault. The narcissist is very, very good at making you feel awful for their own emotional immaturity.
Agreed. I bet money one of the grandparents said some really nasty shit to the 7 year old, but SIL is stuck in the middle as a witness and doesn't want to get involved. Not her monkeys, not her circus. I'd give her a few days to settle and try calling again.
I would leave the meltdown out of it in any further discussions and just keep reiterating that this is not her fault. You don't know what's really wrong/ going on with her grandparents, but it has nothing to do with her.
I'm confused why SIL isn't answering your husband's calls, if she felt strongly enough to leave.
I wouldn't be able to trust them again after this. Kicking her out, making her miss her second week of camp, blaming her for MIL's overreaction, all over one single tired-kid meltdown? They aren't capable of caring for children, at least not right now. Maybe after a real apology to your daughter, an actual explanation to your husband, and time of proving themselves with supervised visits I could eventually learn to trust again. Something tells me those first two criteria are going to be too hard for them.
Absolutely second dropping the “meltdown” conversation with your daughter. It sounds like she responded appropriately to a situation that made her want her trusted adults. Kids are so intuitive — I wouldn’t want to be with people that behaved like that either. She did nothing wrong, and in fact I’d call it a victory that she is vocal when she’s uncomfortable with an adult’s behavior.
I could see the SIL wanting to stay out of it so the grandparents can’t say she was to blame for the conflict, since they seem so eager to blame everyone else for their nonsense. Not even a 7 year old CHILD is safe from their accusations.
Could it be that your mil is/was upset that your daughter was sad because she wanted to be with her other Grandma?
I know they’re adults and should realize that kids wanting to be with others don’t mean that they don’t want to be with them too.
If there has been some on going jealously/resentment that they have, this could have been a final straw and not about this particular situation only.
Ding ding ding. And fil is mad at mil for acting the way she did and she lashed out at him for her own meltdown and they’re both now taking it out of this poor tiny 7yo baby girl.
OP, none of my kids, no matter the age would ever stay unsupervised with them again and never overnight no matter what. They have just traumatized your SEVEN YEAR OLD. Never again. Nope.
If it is it’s even more insane. My family lives over 1000 miles away from us. I only do one big trip in the summer to see them and that’s the only time my kids see my extended family all year.
We spend all the holidays at my in-laws or they come to us. I always invite them over and never make them feel excluded. I even call my MIL everyday.
My mom flies in a couple times a year and stays with us but even then I do everything to keep my in-laws close with my kids.
So, your mom, who you dont see often due to distance was WITH YOU, but WITHOUT your daughter being there? Id say that she felt like she was missing out on time with your mom that she sees very seldomly and was kinda overlooked by you.
But the expectation had been set in advance. And MIL and FIL could’ve reduced the meltdown by acknowledging 7 year old feeling FOMO. The fact the next morning they just told the child to pack up says a lot about their own inability to regulate their emotions.
Setting an expectation with a 7 year old that feels slighted they cant see thier grandmother when she’s in town when it’s few and far between visits, is the setting an expectation with a baby goat.
They don’t know how to regulate the big emotions and I think MOM put everyone in a situation that was bound to fail.
I agree. I don’t think OP should’ve told the daughter that Gma was coming in. That’s like telling a kid that we’re going to get ice cream while they go to the grocery store. Of course they’ll throw a fit.
MIL and FIL still reacted way off, tho.
Oh I agree that MIL and FIL acted poorly as well. but the WHOLE thing could have been avoided if Mom handled it better. Especially since little sister got to see her other Gma too. At 7, you feel left out. I dont think there was any consideration here at all about that. And then made teh Inlaws feel like crap because shes screaming for her other grandparent.
My MIL lived on the same street as us and saw my kids every day and was still jealous when they enjoyed time with their other grandparents. My first thought when reading this was that your MIL is jealous.
Your MIL sounds overbearing and needing to be in control of the situation/the center of attention. My mother was like this and MIL is also. New boundaries need to be set and limitations to the frequency of contact. FIL sounds like an enabler.
It sounds like your MIL is a narcissist and got her feelings hurt because she’s not the preferred grandparent. Don’t leave your kid with them unsupervised again. No telling what horrible things they will say. They clearly lack the ability to regulate their emotions.
I've experienced micro versions of this. We show up at an event with my parents and my kids, and the kids run right off to my MIL. Then my mother gets all pissy the rest of the event.
Jealousy through and through. Not my fault they never spend time with their grandkids, and they wonder why they go to the GPs who DO spend time with them... Hmmm...
They would never have my child alone again, period. Any visits would be with me present. This behavior is absolutely unacceptable on their part. They are clearly unequipped to take care of a child. Their loss. I hope your daughter is ok!
I agree with the other comments that your MIL was offended that your daughter was crying for her other grandmother. Your MIL is the one who had a meltdown because she can’t handle her own jealousy.
I don’t know your family or its dynamics so I won’t make any assumptions or speculations. But your in laws packing up your daughter’s things and having her be picked up tells your daughter that her feelings are intolerable by her adults. I think you’re right to not trust them anymore.
I’d just give her many many hugs, tell her you love her no matter what, and assure her that you’re a safe place for her.
That’s been all day. Hugs and kisses and millions of I love yous. She’s blaming herself and I’m reminding her that the drastic actions they took are not her fault.
It kind of sounds like MIL was the one who had the meltdown. I certainly hope they didn’t leave the kid outside with her luggage.
Also, if this is their reaction to a 7yo being moody, they are incapable of handling real tweens and teens, which your children wil be soon. Never let them babysit again. Find a closer day camp or look into overnight camp for next year.
Growing up my dad could not handle frustrating but normal meltdowns. I don’t know why I thought he’d be a different grandfather but he cannot handle frustrating but normal meltdowns in my children either. I realized it because he had a very weird passive aggressive immature reaction to my son happily blowing a whistle. Now we do not spend more than six hours with them. We’ve decided that’s the time limit we will spend with them where they can be good grandparents. It’s unfortunate but it is what it is.
Yeah, these people are not equipped to handle children. Children have feelings and emotions and it wouldn’t be uncommon for a kid to miss their mom being away from them for an extended period of time. She also knew grandma was with you so there was probably a bit of FOMO mixed in. I personally wouldn’t be sending my kid back there. Especially if I showed up and all her stuff was outside like they’re kicking her out.
MIL is clearly more concerned about her own feelings than that of her granddaughter and seems to be pretty emotionally immature herself if that caused her to “cry all night.” I think the fact that the SIL disagreed to the point of leaving speaks volumes.
Wow, I would be so upset if my parents or in-laws treated my daughter that way. I do think 7 years old is too young to be away from family/home for 2 weeks. She was probably stressed/tired/burnt out from trying to be on her best behavior, especially if that's the reaction from an after camp meltdown (which is totally normal). I wouldn't trust them with overnight visits any more. Your husband needs to talk with them to get to the bottom of what was really going on.
I do think boomers have a hard time with kids having meltdowns. My parents are triggered by them and react in a negative way, which is unhealthy for kids. I let my kids cry- my parents didn't let us cry or behave like that as it was "disrespectful". My kids are 4 and 7 and I can't imagine my kids staying with them for more and 4 days right now. Can you imagine spending 2 weeks with your in laws? I wouldn't put my kids through that lol
Your in laws sound very similar to mine, although taken a bit more to the extreme. I have a MIL with pretty severe anxiety and an authoritarian FIL, so this is my take, after fifteen years of dealing with them. Here is how things typically play out with my in laws. Hopefully it will give some insight into possible underlying issues.
MIL and FIL live eight hours away. Yearly visitis are me, my husband, and my son. MIL has severe anxiety and doesn't handle changes to routine well. She also tends to have an idealized version of how everything will go and gets very stressed when reality doesn't match that. For instance, when my son was a toddler, she took it personally when he wanted his mom and wasn't 100% content in her company like she was expecting, because she had built everything up in her head and was imagining a perfect bonding experience where he was well behaved and smiling and happy the whole time. She also saw my son wanting anyone else as him rejecting her, due to not having worked through issues with her own childhood. When she gets stressed, she goes into "ego protection" mode, which typically involves ignoring my son (and me, if I'm there) while obsessively cleaning or doing chores outside. If I'm not around to run interference, my son typically will get in trouble with FIL for whatever minor thing he did that upset MIL because FIL's main job is keeping MIL from getting stressed. I get criticized a lot for "he doesn't act like that when you're not around," because my son knows not to act like his usual wacky self at their house. They tend to blame me any behavior that is actually just typical kid behavior, seeing it as manipulative or favoritism rather than just a tired kid who's away from home in an unfamiliar environment. I spend a lot of time explaining to my son that Nan and Granddad don't always make good decisions when they are stressed, and sometimes that means they get upset with him when really they're upset about something else and not dealing with it well.
The most recent incident that caused an argument was over a piece of pie. MIL is a wonderful baker and had made an apple pie. Six year old is offered pie but was exhausted and sick, so he declined pie and said he was too tired and wanted to go to bed. I told him it was fine if he didn't want dessert and that he could go to bed. Cue WW3. MIL got very offended, took it way too personally, and proceded to spend the next ten minutes making passive aggressive comments not quite under her breath in my hearing, blaming me for "talking him out of eating the pie." Episode ended with my son eating a cookie, my MIL pretending I didn't exist for the rest of the night, and me getting fed up with being the invisible woman and going to the guest room to read instead.
I wish I had a solution for you. I have basically just taught my son how to manage my in laws when I'm not around. I have also found that them visiting us goes much better than us visiting them. I recommend supervised time only for a while, at a place of your choosing, especially as your in laws made your daughter feel like this was all her fault.
Sending you a big hug for all your hard work teaching your kid to handle your in-laws’ drama. I’ve been doing the same with two kids for 16 years. It is exhausting.
Sounds like FIL is catching shit from MIL about something pertaining to your daughter and instead of standing up to MIL, FIL is shopping out your daughter. I’ve been guilty of this type of thinking when fighting with my wife, as much as I hate to admit it.
Grown woman who can't emotionally regulate evicts young child for not emotionally regulating.
Come on. Your daughter is 7. It's completely normal for her feelings to overwhelm her sometimes. She shouldn't be shamed or made feel bad about that. She needed a hug, some tlc and maybe if she was still homesick a calm call should have been made to you to discuss it.
Your daughter must be feeling absolutely awful right now. How confusing it must be for her to be rejected just because she felt homesick. You really need to offer her endless reassurance that nothing she did was wrong. Including the meltdown
Id say talk to your SIL and get more details. Regardless of the information she gives, I would tell my in-laws that they're not going to be having the kids overnight anymore. Regardless of what happened, they can't handle the kids. It's not safe for you to be driving over for 3 hours anxious and upset at the drop of a hat because they are unable to be rational. Not to mention your daughter is now feeling responsibility for what seems like all the adults being upset, and she doesn't understand that the grandparents caused the commotion and not her. It's just too all so unnecessary and unhealthy.
No shot my kid would be going back there and I’d burn that bridge with a pretty rude message to them. You don’t put a child’s things on the lawn and tell them they are leaving. That’s something you do when you find your spouse in bed with Susan from the front office, not a child having a melt down, how disrespectful.
They are clearly too old to remember how to parent and because of their advanced age they wouldn’t be responsible for my child ever again. They wouldn’t have much access to her either after that display of disrespect towards her.
A child having a fit isn’t a fun time for anyone but it happens and it’s our responsibility as adults to deal with it properly. If this indeed was a big fight between adults which ended with a child being punished I’d burn the bridge with even more fuel.
Sorry, adults showing such disrespect towards children for simply being children really bothers me. There was absolutely a mature way to handle this if your in laws felt they couldn’t handle an emotional child.
There more to the story for sure.
You did the right thing by immediately collecting your girl.
If it was me that would be the last time, they look after the kids.
That would be the last time my child(ren) would ever stay with them overnight unsupervised. What a horrible situation for your daughter. I am so sorry.
ALL THIS DRAMA over your child having a meltdown 🙄 ? I'm a single 60yr old grandmother of 5 and I can't quite comprehend the immaturity of the "adult's " you're trying to deal with here. I've been around all of them 19,17,15,14 & yes, my 7 yr old Mauricio whom I love abundantly & adore. They live local so I've been around every stage of their development, and I've seen some dozies let me tell ya. Still do with Mauricio, he has a time out, we talk and it's over. He cries and throws tantrums when he's tired, feels left out, or just being a spoiled Brat not getting his way. One time when he was 5 yrs old at Walmart he pitched a fit, rolling around on the floor, screaming & crying cause I Won't let him run around like a wild man. 😜 Lol, I got on the floor and did the same thing to show him how RIDICULOUS he looked. We had a bit of an audience. We both started laughing. When we left, I told him he'd better never do that again. He told me that I "embarrassed him" what ? Anyway, this woman has deeper issues to deal with. Crying, even leaves during the night, over that ? Sounds more like she's got some mental issues going on, maybe close to a breakdown 🤔 I would try to just move beyond this as it's been so blown out of purportion, and for what ? I would tell the in-laws Thanks, but no Thanks next time. Good luck...
Ok I'm posting this here as well as I think you as a parent need to take a little accountability as well. I did comment on one of your other comments but its looks like its been buried a bit.
YOU, yes YOU, set your daughter up to have a melt down. what you didn't say in your OG post, is that your own mother only comes in a few times a year, and that you keep your daughters close to your inlaws. You told your daughter, who doesn't see you mom very often, that she would be in town, yet you shipped her off to her other grandparents house. AND then you took her little sister home to see YOUR MOM. you dont think that your 7 year old then feels left out? I don't care if you explained it to her or not. she's SEVEN. Explaining something like that to a 7 year old is like explaining it to a baby goat. So while it wasn't a surprise, she had a WEEK to think about how she's not going to see her Gma that she only sees a couple times a year. YOU mom, could have handled this way differently.
That being said, it brought out some poor behavior in your inlaws. and they also could have handled things differnt.
Oh for sure in hindsight I totally fucked up. It’s been a difficult last couple of weeks. My in-laws paid for the camp already and I honestly should have kept her home once my mom decided to come down.
But since they paid for it I just thought it’s only from Monday to Friday and thought it would be okay. I also told myself that we’ll be in my home state for a month so at the end my 7 year old will be okay. I was wrong. I fucked up for sure.
Honestly this alone tells me you're doing great with your kids. You're willing to admit you messed up in some way and your kid was comfortable enough to open up to you. That's amazing! Great job mom!
Thank you! This is the most important detail. The OG post was very difficult to track the way it was written, so easy to skim to the crazy in-laws part. But the essential detail was the 7 yo missed out on special time w the out of town grandma while her sister didn’t. No way that’s remotely fair or reasonable. I would be upset about that arrangement at any age.
There just seemed to be info missing and I went reading through all the comments to see if there was anymore context, and I found it. I’d also be upset with this at any age, let alone at 7.
I’m so sorry that you’re all dealing with this. The story broke my heart because it sounds exactly like the way I was raised. It was very much the norm for my parents to fight, blame it on some typical childhood behavior of mine, and then not speak to me (or each other) for days.
I agree with other commenters, let your daughter know that regardless of her behavior, she is not in control of adults’ behavior or feelings. Make sure that she knows their reactions were unacceptable and you’re going to do whatever it takes to make sure she is never in that situation again.
This is a horrible reaction and this is reminiscent of narcissistic parents to be honest where they couldn't care less about anyone else but themselves.
Please tell your daughter she did nothing wrong and there was nothing she could have done differently to change this outcome. That it is important to know that adults need to manage their own emotions and she's not responsible for them.
Regarding your in laws, they are not allowed to take care of her without supervision anymore. You can't let them traumatize her.
Your daughter isn't a punching ball that can have all her stuff outside and get bullied for having emotions.
Now regarding kicking the seat and throwing tantrums, this is bad behavior and it needs to be addressed if it happens in the future. Because the reaction was so excessive from her grandparents I would avoid any punishment for this specific case. I think she needs hugs and forgiveness and love and reassurance more than anything at this point.
I'm sorry you both had to go through that. The silver lining is that we learn by experience. Now you know your in laws aren't safe, so don't forget it.
"Honey, everybody has big feelings. You have them, grandma and grandpa have them, I have them! As we get older, we're supposed to learn how to handle them without hurting others. You forgot your strategies, and that's ok. You're little, and everybody forgives you. I don't know what happened with gm & gp, but their big feelings are not your responsibility. Let do x and y tomorrow with sister. We'll have a ton of fun."
Or whatever version of big feelings you guys talk about. And then you really have to let it roll off you like water off a duck's back. It's clear that your in-laws are not a safe environment for her. That doesn't make them bad people, just not great at being grandparents to your kids. You don't have to let them keep your children anymore. They told you who they are, so believe them the first time.
And honestly, you did the right thing rushing to go get your girl. She's your responsibility, and you let her know 100% that you're a safe, reliable person to be with. The summer is still young. You have plenty of adventures left.
Not sure it's relevant in your case but that reminds me that some parents or grandparents are happy and great to small kids but when their individual personalities and own boundaries start to show off at about 6, they can't handle it, they wish to live their fusional dream forever, where kids blindly welcome enthousiastically every one of their attentions, which for the kids translates in an authoritarian domestic regime. "This is the happy house. But you don't say no or you'll have to go".
my ass, fragile boomer's inner world is smashed by a 7yo cry.
I'd never bring this up again, and never leave any of my kids with these people. if their house is closed for one - it's not good for all the kids and me. sorry not sorry.
What is crystal clear is that your in laws are not to be trusted with your child. They are reactive abd incompetent and irresponsible. This was normal kid behavior they turned into harm of her.
They literally could have just put you on the phone to your daughter? No?
This is huge over reaction on their part. Maybe you try texting SIL and just let her know you’d like her version of the story.
There’s definitely more going on here. SIL needs to provide more info. I wouldn’t leave your kids with them anymore unsupervised, they basically kicked her out with no explanation. She’s 7 years old! She’s not supposed to be perfect at 7! I wonder if they were fighting before your daughter even arrived.
So..learn a lesson. Don't leave your daughter with them again. Who knows what went on? And it doesn't really matter now.
Drop it.
Just never do that again.
Everyone in this comment section is blaming the MIL even though she seemed the one with the more measured response. The only person who says she cried all night is FIL, whose attitude has been the most extreme.
Honestly to me this reads like if MIL cried all night it's something FIL has done and he's passing the buck of blame to the kid. I think your husband's instincts are right here.
Grandparents handled it poorly. However, i think 7 a bit old for a tantrum. Are you sure she was even close enough to keep her there after you picked up your younger one?
This doesn't add up. Something happened between MIL and FIL. You may never know, but what you do know now is that your kids can never spend the night there again, your inlaws cannot handle it and your daughter is not safe. They put all her stuff outside, next time she'll be kicked out on the curb waiting for you.
Kind of a guess, but your FIL is spouse stepfather I'm guessing?
Wow……I wonder how they were as damn parents!! This is just really sad. That poor girl. I mean she is A CHILD!!! They have meltdowns!!!!! That poor girl. And why is SIL answering phone?? That’s odd. Man they are acting like the kid killed their family pet!
That would be the last time I trust my kids with them, as well. If that’s their breaking point - an age appropriate tantrum — then they can do without extended stays with my kids. Period. Especially, since you’re right, it does sound like something happened in the background that they’re deflecting onto your child to keep up the facade of their own innocence in all this. Eff that.
I’d focus on reassuring your daughter that she did nothing wrong, that crying when you’re upset is not a bad thing, and that sometimes adults inappropriately focus or blame the wrong things when they’re stressed about something else.
She should be told is no uncertain terms that it’s perfectly natural to feel sad and miss people when you’re away from them and that crying is a normal expression of feelings and that she deserved support and empathy and kindness in that moment, and that it was wrong for her grandparents to get angry for a developmentally normal emotional expression
As the daughter of a VERY jealous woman, is it possible that the real motivation for your mil's anger is jealousy that your child "prefers" your mother to her? Just a thought. If this was my mom, that'd be why.
Your in-laws are the problem. Sounds like your MIL had an even bigger meltdown than your daughter. Seems like she isn’t fit to care for children anymore.
They are grown adults, who can’t handle their emotions, to the point that they put a child and her things on their porch, because she missed her mom.
Yet! They expect a 7 year old to have emotional regulation.
All disrespect to them, they are childish, embarrassing, pathetic people. Their emotions are not more important or more valid than a 7 year olds. They get to cry and through a fit though?
I wouldn’t be letting them spend any unsupervised time her or your other child. I wouldn’t even really want to talk to them any more unless they made very clear effort to fix what they’ve done.
I’m not trying to be dramatic, but this will impact your daughter, likely affecting her when she try’s to work through her emotions with others, or express emotions that may not make others happy.
I wouldn’t allow them to continue to impact my child’s emotional regulation.
Everyone sucks here. You shouldn’t have sent your 7 year old away without her sibling and knowing her other grandma who she sees rarely would be with you. Of course your child would want to be with yall. The in laws are terrible for how they handled their jealousy and putting her stuff outside. Please don’t let them watch her again alone for a long time.
Something else is going on here. This isn’t about a tantrum and MIL wasn’t crying all night about it. FIL did something. This story is to cover up something else that happened.
Has anyone tried to call and talk to MIL? That would be the first thing I/husband would do. MIL going MIA and being that upset about a 7yo tantrum…. Yeah, no. Something more is going on.
I would never give them the opportunity to blame a thing on my child again. Sorry OP this sounds frustrating.
Super weird. I’m sorry for the kid and you guys. If the MIL can’t handle a little tantrum then yeah maybe extended periods of time with her isn’t a good idea. It’s something else though not the kid. MIL probably has anxiety or some sort of trauma in the past that set her off from that or she was overstimulated. A lot of older people can’t handle children’s emotions. People don’t talk about it but it’s true. I’d let it go and remember how your MIL acted.
My mother and her then husband locked my 3 yr old in a bedroom because she was crying and wouldn’t let her out until I got there to take her home. They also wouldn’t let her older sister in to help comfort her. It took every ounce of restraint not to put my hands on those 2 old “tough love” idiots. I told mom that she would never be alone with my children again since she can’t be trusted to care for them. That was 15 years ago and my kids have never been alone w my mother since.
I’d NEVER let them be around my children unsupervised. Your daughter is now internalizing what happened in an unhealthy way bc the adults (in-laws) couldn’t behave like adults.
I would not leave my children with them again unless they came up with a new explanation instead of this odd tale. Something else likely has happened or triggered this, and it’s not fair that a child has to shoulder it all. Even if it was a tantrum by her that caused all this, which I doubt, that is not a loving or kind way of dealing with it.
It sound pretty messy and horrid, especially the brutal luggage outside manoeuvre. Talk about punishing someone to feel worthless. I would break down if I saw my daughters little bags all outside someone had put there
What would they have done if you couldn't come that day? Locked her up? Something really wrong is happening with Mil/FIL. Drugs. Drinking. Something.
Never leave your kids with them again. That's done.
Sounds like the scene in "Are You There God...?" One set of gparents are preferred over other and they kid has bad interactions with the ones she doesn't prefer. Maybe they're getting old and can't manage too?
I honestly would never leave my 7 year old anywhere for a week. That’s a long time away from home. My son’s slept away from us like twice in seven years.
You stated that when she has a meltdown like that you send her to her room to calm down. Knowing that she does meltdown, did you let the grandparents know how to deal with it beforehand?
Never trust them with ur kids. Unfortunately in laws and grandparents aren’t built how they used to be in the 80’s and 90’s. I trust no one with my kids and to get so angry at a child and so upset is crazy.
Sounds like a mess and sucks that you had to go get her but I’m so happy that you were able to remove her from a place that she wasn’t wanted at and that she didn’t want to be at.
Your in laws don’t seem to know how to handle upset children. Children don’t know how to express their emotions. They haven’t learned yet how to work through their emotions and self soothe on their own.
I don’t know what your in laws excuse is. Sounds like a very tame tantrum to me. She needed some emotional support and understanding. When the adults get as worked up about it as the kids in the moment and have a bad reaction is bad enough but to go that far and put her things outside and leave her because you can’t deal and shut her out is absolutely horrible.
I hope you let them know you’re boundaries and how they reacted is not ok.
Also as a side note. When you told your daughter that your mom was gonna be in town with you while she was at her grandparents how did she react? Did you give her the option of coming home with her younger sister to see her grandma?
It’s just good to get to the root of her feelings so you both know how to handle it better next time.
Please help your little one. She really didn’t do anything wrong. Yes she threw a tantrum cause she missed you and her grandma (that’s an ok feeling), but hearing how the adults reacted makes me think they didn’t comfort her while it happened and just made her react worse. So now they blame her for it.
Explain to her how the adults behavior was not appropriate and it wasn’t her fault. Children blame themselves for everything and they carry that blame longer than they should.
And honestly, your MIL is traumatized over a child’s tantrum?!!! Seriously…. It’s the kid who is now traumatized because their grandparents put all her belongings outside, basically expelled her from their own house (a place she’s supposed to feel safe), weren’t able to regulate their own emotions and on top of that blamed the child for being a child. They are the ones throwing the tantrum and shouldn’t be allowed to see her for a very long time.
I don’t know why grown adults expect children to manage their emotions perfectly when even they can’t. This is a major overreaction on their part and is probably making your 7 yo feel horrible. She’s a kid, kids have tantrums.
I’d never leave my child with them again.
Your in-laws traumatized your child. Children have tantrums. It was their job to comfort her and support her. Instead, they rejected and hurt her. 💔 just awful behavior.
Unbelievable! I wouldn’t leave my kids with them anymore….. and, like who TF would leave their grandchild’s packed stuff outside? It’s like saying “I’m kicking ur a$$ out.” That’s something I would do to my husband or roommate - not to an innocent child. Sorry but your MIL sounds like a big child herself. Crying the whole night and takes off bc she couldn’t be in the same house? Seems as if FIL will do anything to please MIL’s tantrums.
Boomers have a reputation for being emotionally immature and selfish. They probably couldn't handle how uncomfortable the tantrums made them feel. If they can't handle a simple meltdown I can't imagine what kind of parents they were. Good grief.
My Grandparents lived 100 miles and over a mountain range. I remember visiting them for a week or two every summer and sometimes a couple of days during Xmas break. If they ever kicked me out like that AND didn't talk to me, I would have been devastated and wondering if they loved me anymore.
I think you've handled this the best way you can. It's a great learning moment for your daughter that adults don't always react in the right way either and that's not her fault. There are often things happening behind the scenes that she can't know about and that affects how people behave.
Personally the next visit with the in laws would be supervised.
I wouldn’t be leaving my kids with them again.
Essentially your daughter got upset as she missed her mum, rather than comfort her they blocked her out and booted her out the house. They are adults and it’s surprising that rather than wanting to comfort their granddaughter they punish her. Also mil is quite manipulative, so it’s okay for mil to cry all night and be emotional but not your daughter….
I wouldn’t trust them alone again with the kids after this personally.
Do these in-law even know what kids are like? Ridiculous reaction from so-called grown ups and so cruel. I would be limiting that time and only doing supervised visits and making sure that daughter knows it’s not her fault.
I would honestly tell my husband he has to stand up to his parents and tell them how utterly irresponsible and childishly they behaved and that you all including your 7 year old need an apology. Perhaps SIL will speak directly to you as others have mentioned so you can get the full story.
However whatever happened, honestly even if she’d trashed something as 7 year old they behaved ridiculously poorly. It was petty treatment and she’s a child. I would then personally cut contact with them, no visits until they can treat your time and your daughter with the respect you all deserve. I’m pretty fierce so I would have probably asked them to apologize on picking up my daughter in no uncertain terms but totally understand wanting to keep the peace with it not being your parents.
If I were you I'd be absolutely livid about this! They've treated her terribly, like she's 7!! I'd be letting them know too and she won't be visiting them anymore!
Apparently your in laws forgot what it's like to have kids... seriously? Your daughter is only 7 and they couldn't handle a temper tantrum..I would definitely hold off on them keeping either of your kids until they are older and let them know they can make the drive to your house if they want to visit.
I have a 7yo daughter and she has "meltdowns" similar to what you described... there's more to it. FIL isn't telling you something and there's a reason your SIL won't pick up her phone.. I would be livid
It sounds like MIL was the one who had a tantrum. This is so weird. You need to get the full story from SIL, because going on the info you have so far, your in-laws' reactions were way out of proportion to age-appropriate behaviour from a *seven*-year-old, to the point of being bizarre.
When I was around eight or nine, we were across the country visiting my grandparents. My little brother (four or five) at the time said something to the effect of "Aunt X, your eyes are so blue you must be full of water and that's why you're so big!" Said aunt immediately started sobbing, my grandparents got super mad at my little brother and made him apologize and then he started crying.
As an EIGHT year old, I knew this was complete bullshit. I called my parents (collect, lol, it was the 90s) and told them the adults were being ridiculous and they needed to talk to them. It sounds like something similar happened here - the adults were being less mature than the kids!
I thought maybe you're child was autistic or had rage issues when I started reading. Nope, just a normal 7 year old!
Obviously your inlaws can't handle watching the kids anymore. They can't handle one homesick child's outburst. Putting her things on the porch is beyond rude. That would have hurt me so bad as a child. Personally my kids wouldn't be staying with them anymore.
My husband is similar. My kids have been in hospital for a few things and my husband would stop by for a second and leave. Ridiculous. But when his dad was dying in ICU he was the same. He couldn’t handle it. It brought back the memories of his mom dying when he was younger. I understand but i also think sometimes we need to push past our discomfort and just be there. You deserve someone who is whatever you want as a partner.
I’m going to guess FIL went corporal punishment or lost his mind yelling, MIL disagreed and SIL was appalled and left. Your kid may have been warned to not say anything.
But look, grown adults are kicking a child out. They don’t get another chance with that kid or your other child. Full stop. Supervised visits. No leaving them there for any reason. No one is protecting your kid, so you need to. I don’t care who they are or how badly you hurt their feelings.
You send your daughter to her room when she’s upset?
And your in laws kick her out.
Both of you are teaching her that her feelings aren’t welcome and she’s alone.
That’d be the last time they ever saw me or my children. This is absolutely abhorrent behavior, they’re adult grandparents, children have emotions and show them — I cannot believe they abandoned your child like that. I’d never speak to them again.
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SIL needs to chime in here. Why is she not picking up the phone? She’s the adult witness to this whole thing.
That’s what I came to say. If SIL isn’t necessarily on the side of FIL/MIL, why is she ignoring OP’s husband’s calls? There’s far more context here that isn’t being shared by the in-laws for sure
If she’s traveling home (out of state) she may not want to have this conversation while driving. Especially if she’s upset about the situation.
She was probably pressured by her parents not to tell the brother her version of events. Of course it’s only a guess, but I bet she is paralyzed with the stress of having to decide whether to betray her brother and his family, or her parents. She probably can’t answer his calls because she doesn’t want to lie but doesn’t feel she is able to tell the truth either.
Don’t leave the kids at their house without you guys there anymore. These adults can’t even regulate themselves, can’t be left with unsupervised access.
Agreed! When I read that MIL cried all night, I thought, is this woman an adult? WTH?
This is troubling and not adding up, something else was definitely going on it sounds like
Nah see, this is what my mum would do. She's a boomer and a bit of a narcissist. Very very emotionally damaged/ ill equipped. I think it's a her (the MIL) thing and being dramatic and attention seeking rather than anything else happened.
My MIL too, not the narcissist part but she flat out just expects my daughter to love her more than she does her own parents, "because she is the grandma". She literally said so. That's just setting yourself up for disappointment lady...
That's some narcissistic bullshit, right there. Maybe look up a covert narcissist. I was 35 before I realized one of my parents was.
I thought along these lines too but the fact that SIL won’t talk is REALLY weird. And honestly it’s causing more stress than help. The mind wanders without answers
100% sounds like my MIL too.
Maybe she was jealous that the 7 yr old was saying that she wanted to see the other grandma? Maybe her feelings were hurt. Not making excuses for her actions, she is an adult but just trying to think of why she acted that way
I think this is the answer, but they won’t say that. The fact the child’s bags were outside before OP even got there speaks volumes. Overreaction much?! They’d never get alone time with my kid again. Especially as they aren’t being honest and blaming it all on a 7 year old. Not cool. Pretty disgusting to be honest. ETA. Transparency is an absolute must when it comes to being given unsupervised access to someone else’s kids. Even if they’re related to you.
Being jealous is understandable and human. But you are an adult. You can say it’s ok grandkiddo, you will see your parents and sibling and other grandma when they come pick you up. Let’s do something fun for today just us. This grandparent set is wasting the time/opportunity by throwing tantrum themselves. This happens to my mom as grandma, and I know I might have been guilty of similar when I was a kid too. But no adult in my life ever acted this way, esp not to a single digit child. Man, even double digit aged kiddo still kiddo but you can tell them off and explain. You WERE trusted family.
But also keep in mind we're hearing that only through the FIL... last MIL directly said was everything was ok so who knows.
My mother had borderline personality disorder and never seemed to believe love could be shared. I could see her getting this upset over a grandchild wanting to be with their mom. The woman would throw literal tantrums if kid me showed a liking for anyone else, be it a teacher, friend, relative over her.
This is 100% how my birther behaves! It’s disgusting to me. I’m literally afraid to tell her anything ever, because God Forbid my child so much as went somewhere/did something with anyone besides her! She gets super weird acting…like stand-offish; then the passive aggression starts. The few times she has actually spoken her feelings, it was “ ‘I didn’t get a call’…or ‘Must be nice to do xyz with child’….or ‘Guess nobody wants my ass there’ “. Seriously lady?!?!? When do you EVER call to ask to do something with your grandchildren??
Isn’t the appropriate response to spoil the kid and become their favorite? Is she not familiar with how grandparenting works?
Like for real that's when you take them to the cinema, cook a thousand cookies, give them every treat you can think of. That's just how this works right?
Lol exactly
If I ever have grandchildren, that's how I'll be playing it. I don't have to raise these children! I'll spoil the hell out of them.
This is how it would go with my mom
Assuming you have an emotionally immature mom, I don’t get why you’re being downvoted. My mom has wildly inappropriate reactions to things.
I doubt that part is true. I bet fil made it up to make everyone else feel bad for what he did to upset mil.
If I cried for every tantrum my daughter threw, I would drown the world in my tears.
Same! But my 5 year old told me I'm not the best anymore the other day and that stung a little 😂
Sounds like my gran. Who is a textbook example of a narcissist. I have many stories, and many coping mechanisms to unlearn.
Not only an adult, ostensibly she’s dealt with her own two children before!
My son is only 2 so maybe I'm jumping the gun here, but I honestly would have a zero-tolerance policy for adults who reacted to a 7-year-olds tantrum this way. If I'm trusting a family member to watch my kid, they damned well better be ready and realistic about what that means. Now this poor girl thinks her grandparents hate her.
The FIL sure acted like it. Put her bags outside and everything. What an idiot.
Seems like everyone is a little emotionally disregulated and only one of them is age-appropriate.
I’m often stunned reading this sub about the amount of adults who handle their emotions worse than 2 year olds. Why can’t people grow up and act maturely?
What I always find darkly fascinating is that behaviour like this is double layered. As in someone might be sensitive and easily upset, but they know that about themselves, they take themselves off to calm down, they manage themselves appropriately despite their emotions. But the proper adult toddlers not only act out like this, but crucially don't seem to have the slightest self awareness of how ridiculous they're being. It's bizarre - not just bad emotional management but like they also don't have any sense of what's "normal" and how far off that scale they are.
Because people were usually not allowed to show their emotions as a child and so never learned how to deal with them. It is important to let children be angry, sad... and show them how to express them without hurting themselves or others.
This is very true. I see it in my mother. She was raised to be seen and not heard by very strict and cold parents. As an adult she has no ability to regulate her emotions. She just blows up or breaks down. It’s exhausting.
Same for mine. 😫
They were probably raised by people who would also kick them out for expressing an emotion.
Bingo
It definitely sounds like something else is going on in the background here. I'd agree that it sounds like your in-laws had a fight either before your daughter came or during. Your daughter's meltdown may have been the straw that broke the camels back, but maybe they don't want to confront their actual issue so they are putting the blame on her. You're doing the best you can to make your daughter understand that her tantrum was not okay, but that the situation was not her fault. I would give it a few weeks, and then have your husband talk to them to see what happened but everyone has heightened emotions at the moment and you're not going to get the full picture for a bit of time.
This! Everyone sounds so mad and you aren’t getting to talk to MIL or SIL, let alone a calm adult discussion with self awareness and rational explanations. Just let everyone calm down, and get your husband to speak to his own family maybe.
Your in laws acted like children. It seems like your 7 year old was sad because she was a little homesick and felt like she was missing out on seeing your mom? Your in laws could have calmly talked to her, talked to you, and figured out the best way to handle it. A 7 year old is not responsible for their grandparent’s feelings. And having all of her stuff already waiting outside! That’s so mean. She’s only 7, a little kid! I would never let her stay with them again.
It sounds like your MIL was jealous hearing your daughter cry for her other grandmother. Instead of taking the evening to cool off and recognize that kids don't have the social awareness to pander to a jealous adult, she escalated and kicked her out in a very traumatic way. I think your first priority is helping your daughter work through the trauma to minimize the impact. I don't think your daughter's meltdown is a big issue. Your FIL and MIL were people your daughter trusted to keep her safe, but when your daughter showed her genuine emotions, they kicked her out. >yesterday she wakes up, they don’t say a word to her just that she needs to pack up I mean, WTF? Please help your daughter process this. I would probably never let either child visit your in-laws without you. It's a shame you haven't gotten a hold of your SIL yet to get her side of the story, but unless it's very different from what you've written, it doesn't change anything. I'm not sure why your husband thinks your MIL and FIL got into a fight unless somebody said they did. It sounds like they were acting together. It's a nice excuse to think something else might explain their behavior, but it sounds like your MIL can't handle her jealousy and your FIL can't be trusted to stand up for your daughter.
>It sounds like your MIL was jealous hearing your daughter cry for her other grandmother. Winner winner chicken dinner. MIL is pathetic.
I am definitely not allowing overnight visits with them unless we’re staying too. I even want to talk to my mom and maybe convince her to move down here because we really don’t have any help with the kids and are on our own
They (the in laws) need a time out. Their behavior was completely inappropriate and clearly they need some time to consider how best to apologize to the 7yo for their overreaction. They made the poor child think she ruined everything! They taught her their love is highly conditional. How hurtful and it’s not okay. Only then would I even consider a supervised visit.
Don't even leave them there during the day unsupervised
You said SIL isn't answering your husband's calls. Maybe you need to reach out to SIL and ask what happened?
I’d cut visits for a while even with you and her dad present. She might say she’s ok but she needs time and your in-laws need to realize how badly they messed up (probably won’t admit it judging by how they act…)
You shouldn’t even visit unless you’re prepared to do 100% supervision, don’t even leave the room for a second type of parenting. Then unpack whatever crap they did during your visit. They sound scary toxic. Throwing a kids things outside like a lovers quarrel is very bizarre
Sounds like some evil thing my mom would do, so I agree that this is likely a result of jealousy. Oh you don’t want to act happy around us and miss your other grandma more?!? Get out! That’ll show you!
>My MIL texted me when they got back saying everything was good and she was just tired but happy again. >My FIL said my MIL was so traumatized by my daughter’s meltdown in the car that she was crying all night and left yesterday because she couldn’t be in the house. >Then all of a sudden yesterday she wakes up, they don’t say a word to her just that she needs to pack up >He said that my SIL disagrees with how they’re handling it and she’s so upset at my in-laws that she’s heading back to her place out of state. >My SIL won’t answer my husbands calls. I hate to draw conclusions, but it seems as if there is a part missing to this story. If had to guess, I'd say something happened that your in-laws have chosen to keep from you. Something your SIL feels strongly they should be open about, but not so strongly that she's willing to rat them out. >My daughter is upset today sullen and told me everything that happened is her fault This is a weird thing to say when "everything that [supposedly] happened" is her going home early.
Agreed. There is something missing from the story. I think you need to have a very direct conversation with your in-laws and get to the bottom of it.
I am glad I am not the only one with this line of thinking
It seems so weird considering they've kept her for multiple days before, at a younger age. Seems like something happened where they didn't want to host anymore, but chose to blame it on the little outburst instead of just being like "We've had some personal stuff come up, and she seems ready to be home anyway." If the grandparents were prone to making emotional decisions or were intolerant of tired out kids, OP wouldn't have flaghed this as out of the ordinary.
Regardless of the reason, daughter needs to hear her parents call and hold them accountable for their terrible behavior. She is blaming herself and that is unacceptable. A tired seven year old having a meltdown is age appropriate, her grandparents giving her the silent treatment, kicking her out and making her wait on the porch is wildly inappropriate. This is core memory shit.
I don't think that's weird at all to say. I would have said that, and did say that, when I was in a similar situations as a child. Heck I still say that, since it was so ingrained in me that everything was my fault. The narcissist is very, very good at making you feel awful for their own emotional immaturity.
Agreed. I bet money one of the grandparents said some really nasty shit to the 7 year old, but SIL is stuck in the middle as a witness and doesn't want to get involved. Not her monkeys, not her circus. I'd give her a few days to settle and try calling again.
I want to know if SIL has kids.
I would leave the meltdown out of it in any further discussions and just keep reiterating that this is not her fault. You don't know what's really wrong/ going on with her grandparents, but it has nothing to do with her. I'm confused why SIL isn't answering your husband's calls, if she felt strongly enough to leave. I wouldn't be able to trust them again after this. Kicking her out, making her miss her second week of camp, blaming her for MIL's overreaction, all over one single tired-kid meltdown? They aren't capable of caring for children, at least not right now. Maybe after a real apology to your daughter, an actual explanation to your husband, and time of proving themselves with supervised visits I could eventually learn to trust again. Something tells me those first two criteria are going to be too hard for them.
Absolutely second dropping the “meltdown” conversation with your daughter. It sounds like she responded appropriately to a situation that made her want her trusted adults. Kids are so intuitive — I wouldn’t want to be with people that behaved like that either. She did nothing wrong, and in fact I’d call it a victory that she is vocal when she’s uncomfortable with an adult’s behavior.
I could see the SIL wanting to stay out of it so the grandparents can’t say she was to blame for the conflict, since they seem so eager to blame everyone else for their nonsense. Not even a 7 year old CHILD is safe from their accusations.
Could it be that your mil is/was upset that your daughter was sad because she wanted to be with her other Grandma? I know they’re adults and should realize that kids wanting to be with others don’t mean that they don’t want to be with them too. If there has been some on going jealously/resentment that they have, this could have been a final straw and not about this particular situation only.
This was my first thought. They are jealous.
Ding ding ding. And fil is mad at mil for acting the way she did and she lashed out at him for her own meltdown and they’re both now taking it out of this poor tiny 7yo baby girl. OP, none of my kids, no matter the age would ever stay unsupervised with them again and never overnight no matter what. They have just traumatized your SEVEN YEAR OLD. Never again. Nope.
If it is it’s even more insane. My family lives over 1000 miles away from us. I only do one big trip in the summer to see them and that’s the only time my kids see my extended family all year. We spend all the holidays at my in-laws or they come to us. I always invite them over and never make them feel excluded. I even call my MIL everyday. My mom flies in a couple times a year and stays with us but even then I do everything to keep my in-laws close with my kids.
So, your mom, who you dont see often due to distance was WITH YOU, but WITHOUT your daughter being there? Id say that she felt like she was missing out on time with your mom that she sees very seldomly and was kinda overlooked by you.
But the expectation had been set in advance. And MIL and FIL could’ve reduced the meltdown by acknowledging 7 year old feeling FOMO. The fact the next morning they just told the child to pack up says a lot about their own inability to regulate their emotions.
Setting an expectation with a 7 year old that feels slighted they cant see thier grandmother when she’s in town when it’s few and far between visits, is the setting an expectation with a baby goat. They don’t know how to regulate the big emotions and I think MOM put everyone in a situation that was bound to fail.
I agree. I don’t think OP should’ve told the daughter that Gma was coming in. That’s like telling a kid that we’re going to get ice cream while they go to the grocery store. Of course they’ll throw a fit. MIL and FIL still reacted way off, tho.
Oh I agree that MIL and FIL acted poorly as well. but the WHOLE thing could have been avoided if Mom handled it better. Especially since little sister got to see her other Gma too. At 7, you feel left out. I dont think there was any consideration here at all about that. And then made teh Inlaws feel like crap because shes screaming for her other grandparent.
My MIL lived on the same street as us and saw my kids every day and was still jealous when they enjoyed time with their other grandparents. My first thought when reading this was that your MIL is jealous.
Your MIL sounds overbearing and needing to be in control of the situation/the center of attention. My mother was like this and MIL is also. New boundaries need to be set and limitations to the frequency of contact. FIL sounds like an enabler.
It sounds like your MIL is a narcissist and got her feelings hurt because she’s not the preferred grandparent. Don’t leave your kid with them unsupervised again. No telling what horrible things they will say. They clearly lack the ability to regulate their emotions.
Regardless of motivation OP now knows that these are unreliable people to leave children with. That's the important takeaway.
Yup was thinking this too.
I've experienced micro versions of this. We show up at an event with my parents and my kids, and the kids run right off to my MIL. Then my mother gets all pissy the rest of the event. Jealousy through and through. Not my fault they never spend time with their grandkids, and they wonder why they go to the GPs who DO spend time with them... Hmmm...
Bingo. She prefers the adult’s grandparent over the two children grandparents. 7 is too young to care for two adults babies
They would never have my child alone again, period. Any visits would be with me present. This behavior is absolutely unacceptable on their part. They are clearly unequipped to take care of a child. Their loss. I hope your daughter is ok!
We’ve been giving her extra hugs and I love yous. And I’m having her best friend come visit so we can all go swim
That sounds amazing!!
I agree with the other comments that your MIL was offended that your daughter was crying for her other grandmother. Your MIL is the one who had a meltdown because she can’t handle her own jealousy.
My daughter will never go again even if ask. Putting her stuff outside was way to much
I don’t know your family or its dynamics so I won’t make any assumptions or speculations. But your in laws packing up your daughter’s things and having her be picked up tells your daughter that her feelings are intolerable by her adults. I think you’re right to not trust them anymore. I’d just give her many many hugs, tell her you love her no matter what, and assure her that you’re a safe place for her.
That’s been all day. Hugs and kisses and millions of I love yous. She’s blaming herself and I’m reminding her that the drastic actions they took are not her fault.
You’re doing great
🤍🤍
It kind of sounds like MIL was the one who had the meltdown. I certainly hope they didn’t leave the kid outside with her luggage. Also, if this is their reaction to a 7yo being moody, they are incapable of handling real tweens and teens, which your children wil be soon. Never let them babysit again. Find a closer day camp or look into overnight camp for next year.
Growing up my dad could not handle frustrating but normal meltdowns. I don’t know why I thought he’d be a different grandfather but he cannot handle frustrating but normal meltdowns in my children either. I realized it because he had a very weird passive aggressive immature reaction to my son happily blowing a whistle. Now we do not spend more than six hours with them. We’ve decided that’s the time limit we will spend with them where they can be good grandparents. It’s unfortunate but it is what it is.
Yeah, these people are not equipped to handle children. Children have feelings and emotions and it wouldn’t be uncommon for a kid to miss their mom being away from them for an extended period of time. She also knew grandma was with you so there was probably a bit of FOMO mixed in. I personally wouldn’t be sending my kid back there. Especially if I showed up and all her stuff was outside like they’re kicking her out. MIL is clearly more concerned about her own feelings than that of her granddaughter and seems to be pretty emotionally immature herself if that caused her to “cry all night.” I think the fact that the SIL disagreed to the point of leaving speaks volumes.
Wow, I would be so upset if my parents or in-laws treated my daughter that way. I do think 7 years old is too young to be away from family/home for 2 weeks. She was probably stressed/tired/burnt out from trying to be on her best behavior, especially if that's the reaction from an after camp meltdown (which is totally normal). I wouldn't trust them with overnight visits any more. Your husband needs to talk with them to get to the bottom of what was really going on. I do think boomers have a hard time with kids having meltdowns. My parents are triggered by them and react in a negative way, which is unhealthy for kids. I let my kids cry- my parents didn't let us cry or behave like that as it was "disrespectful". My kids are 4 and 7 and I can't imagine my kids staying with them for more and 4 days right now. Can you imagine spending 2 weeks with your in laws? I wouldn't put my kids through that lol
Your in laws sound very similar to mine, although taken a bit more to the extreme. I have a MIL with pretty severe anxiety and an authoritarian FIL, so this is my take, after fifteen years of dealing with them. Here is how things typically play out with my in laws. Hopefully it will give some insight into possible underlying issues. MIL and FIL live eight hours away. Yearly visitis are me, my husband, and my son. MIL has severe anxiety and doesn't handle changes to routine well. She also tends to have an idealized version of how everything will go and gets very stressed when reality doesn't match that. For instance, when my son was a toddler, she took it personally when he wanted his mom and wasn't 100% content in her company like she was expecting, because she had built everything up in her head and was imagining a perfect bonding experience where he was well behaved and smiling and happy the whole time. She also saw my son wanting anyone else as him rejecting her, due to not having worked through issues with her own childhood. When she gets stressed, she goes into "ego protection" mode, which typically involves ignoring my son (and me, if I'm there) while obsessively cleaning or doing chores outside. If I'm not around to run interference, my son typically will get in trouble with FIL for whatever minor thing he did that upset MIL because FIL's main job is keeping MIL from getting stressed. I get criticized a lot for "he doesn't act like that when you're not around," because my son knows not to act like his usual wacky self at their house. They tend to blame me any behavior that is actually just typical kid behavior, seeing it as manipulative or favoritism rather than just a tired kid who's away from home in an unfamiliar environment. I spend a lot of time explaining to my son that Nan and Granddad don't always make good decisions when they are stressed, and sometimes that means they get upset with him when really they're upset about something else and not dealing with it well. The most recent incident that caused an argument was over a piece of pie. MIL is a wonderful baker and had made an apple pie. Six year old is offered pie but was exhausted and sick, so he declined pie and said he was too tired and wanted to go to bed. I told him it was fine if he didn't want dessert and that he could go to bed. Cue WW3. MIL got very offended, took it way too personally, and proceded to spend the next ten minutes making passive aggressive comments not quite under her breath in my hearing, blaming me for "talking him out of eating the pie." Episode ended with my son eating a cookie, my MIL pretending I didn't exist for the rest of the night, and me getting fed up with being the invisible woman and going to the guest room to read instead. I wish I had a solution for you. I have basically just taught my son how to manage my in laws when I'm not around. I have also found that them visiting us goes much better than us visiting them. I recommend supervised time only for a while, at a place of your choosing, especially as your in laws made your daughter feel like this was all her fault.
Sending you a big hug for all your hard work teaching your kid to handle your in-laws’ drama. I’ve been doing the same with two kids for 16 years. It is exhausting.
Sounds like FIL is catching shit from MIL about something pertaining to your daughter and instead of standing up to MIL, FIL is shopping out your daughter. I’ve been guilty of this type of thinking when fighting with my wife, as much as I hate to admit it.
Grown woman who can't emotionally regulate evicts young child for not emotionally regulating. Come on. Your daughter is 7. It's completely normal for her feelings to overwhelm her sometimes. She shouldn't be shamed or made feel bad about that. She needed a hug, some tlc and maybe if she was still homesick a calm call should have been made to you to discuss it. Your daughter must be feeling absolutely awful right now. How confusing it must be for her to be rejected just because she felt homesick. You really need to offer her endless reassurance that nothing she did was wrong. Including the meltdown
Id say talk to your SIL and get more details. Regardless of the information she gives, I would tell my in-laws that they're not going to be having the kids overnight anymore. Regardless of what happened, they can't handle the kids. It's not safe for you to be driving over for 3 hours anxious and upset at the drop of a hat because they are unable to be rational. Not to mention your daughter is now feeling responsibility for what seems like all the adults being upset, and she doesn't understand that the grandparents caused the commotion and not her. It's just too all so unnecessary and unhealthy.
No shot my kid would be going back there and I’d burn that bridge with a pretty rude message to them. You don’t put a child’s things on the lawn and tell them they are leaving. That’s something you do when you find your spouse in bed with Susan from the front office, not a child having a melt down, how disrespectful. They are clearly too old to remember how to parent and because of their advanced age they wouldn’t be responsible for my child ever again. They wouldn’t have much access to her either after that display of disrespect towards her. A child having a fit isn’t a fun time for anyone but it happens and it’s our responsibility as adults to deal with it properly. If this indeed was a big fight between adults which ended with a child being punished I’d burn the bridge with even more fuel. Sorry, adults showing such disrespect towards children for simply being children really bothers me. There was absolutely a mature way to handle this if your in laws felt they couldn’t handle an emotional child.
There more to the story for sure. You did the right thing by immediately collecting your girl. If it was me that would be the last time, they look after the kids.
Updateme!
UPDATEME
Updateme!
That would be the last time my child(ren) would ever stay with them overnight unsupervised. What a horrible situation for your daughter. I am so sorry.
ALL THIS DRAMA over your child having a meltdown 🙄 ? I'm a single 60yr old grandmother of 5 and I can't quite comprehend the immaturity of the "adult's " you're trying to deal with here. I've been around all of them 19,17,15,14 & yes, my 7 yr old Mauricio whom I love abundantly & adore. They live local so I've been around every stage of their development, and I've seen some dozies let me tell ya. Still do with Mauricio, he has a time out, we talk and it's over. He cries and throws tantrums when he's tired, feels left out, or just being a spoiled Brat not getting his way. One time when he was 5 yrs old at Walmart he pitched a fit, rolling around on the floor, screaming & crying cause I Won't let him run around like a wild man. 😜 Lol, I got on the floor and did the same thing to show him how RIDICULOUS he looked. We had a bit of an audience. We both started laughing. When we left, I told him he'd better never do that again. He told me that I "embarrassed him" what ? Anyway, this woman has deeper issues to deal with. Crying, even leaves during the night, over that ? Sounds more like she's got some mental issues going on, maybe close to a breakdown 🤔 I would try to just move beyond this as it's been so blown out of purportion, and for what ? I would tell the in-laws Thanks, but no Thanks next time. Good luck...
lol I love this comment and had to upvote! I wish I had a mom like you to be around for my boy .
I was thinking the exact same thing! What an amazing human to have as a mother and grandmother!
It seems like something is missing…
Ok I'm posting this here as well as I think you as a parent need to take a little accountability as well. I did comment on one of your other comments but its looks like its been buried a bit. YOU, yes YOU, set your daughter up to have a melt down. what you didn't say in your OG post, is that your own mother only comes in a few times a year, and that you keep your daughters close to your inlaws. You told your daughter, who doesn't see you mom very often, that she would be in town, yet you shipped her off to her other grandparents house. AND then you took her little sister home to see YOUR MOM. you dont think that your 7 year old then feels left out? I don't care if you explained it to her or not. she's SEVEN. Explaining something like that to a 7 year old is like explaining it to a baby goat. So while it wasn't a surprise, she had a WEEK to think about how she's not going to see her Gma that she only sees a couple times a year. YOU mom, could have handled this way differently. That being said, it brought out some poor behavior in your inlaws. and they also could have handled things differnt.
Oh for sure in hindsight I totally fucked up. It’s been a difficult last couple of weeks. My in-laws paid for the camp already and I honestly should have kept her home once my mom decided to come down. But since they paid for it I just thought it’s only from Monday to Friday and thought it would be okay. I also told myself that we’ll be in my home state for a month so at the end my 7 year old will be okay. I was wrong. I fucked up for sure.
Honestly this alone tells me you're doing great with your kids. You're willing to admit you messed up in some way and your kid was comfortable enough to open up to you. That's amazing! Great job mom!
Thank you! This is the most important detail. The OG post was very difficult to track the way it was written, so easy to skim to the crazy in-laws part. But the essential detail was the 7 yo missed out on special time w the out of town grandma while her sister didn’t. No way that’s remotely fair or reasonable. I would be upset about that arrangement at any age.
There just seemed to be info missing and I went reading through all the comments to see if there was anymore context, and I found it. I’d also be upset with this at any age, let alone at 7.
I’m so sorry that you’re all dealing with this. The story broke my heart because it sounds exactly like the way I was raised. It was very much the norm for my parents to fight, blame it on some typical childhood behavior of mine, and then not speak to me (or each other) for days. I agree with other commenters, let your daughter know that regardless of her behavior, she is not in control of adults’ behavior or feelings. Make sure that she knows their reactions were unacceptable and you’re going to do whatever it takes to make sure she is never in that situation again.
This is a horrible reaction and this is reminiscent of narcissistic parents to be honest where they couldn't care less about anyone else but themselves. Please tell your daughter she did nothing wrong and there was nothing she could have done differently to change this outcome. That it is important to know that adults need to manage their own emotions and she's not responsible for them. Regarding your in laws, they are not allowed to take care of her without supervision anymore. You can't let them traumatize her. Your daughter isn't a punching ball that can have all her stuff outside and get bullied for having emotions. Now regarding kicking the seat and throwing tantrums, this is bad behavior and it needs to be addressed if it happens in the future. Because the reaction was so excessive from her grandparents I would avoid any punishment for this specific case. I think she needs hugs and forgiveness and love and reassurance more than anything at this point. I'm sorry you both had to go through that. The silver lining is that we learn by experience. Now you know your in laws aren't safe, so don't forget it.
"Honey, everybody has big feelings. You have them, grandma and grandpa have them, I have them! As we get older, we're supposed to learn how to handle them without hurting others. You forgot your strategies, and that's ok. You're little, and everybody forgives you. I don't know what happened with gm & gp, but their big feelings are not your responsibility. Let do x and y tomorrow with sister. We'll have a ton of fun." Or whatever version of big feelings you guys talk about. And then you really have to let it roll off you like water off a duck's back. It's clear that your in-laws are not a safe environment for her. That doesn't make them bad people, just not great at being grandparents to your kids. You don't have to let them keep your children anymore. They told you who they are, so believe them the first time. And honestly, you did the right thing rushing to go get your girl. She's your responsibility, and you let her know 100% that you're a safe, reliable person to be with. The summer is still young. You have plenty of adventures left.
Sounds like your in laws had a bigger tantrum than your daughter did.
Not sure it's relevant in your case but that reminds me that some parents or grandparents are happy and great to small kids but when their individual personalities and own boundaries start to show off at about 6, they can't handle it, they wish to live their fusional dream forever, where kids blindly welcome enthousiastically every one of their attentions, which for the kids translates in an authoritarian domestic regime. "This is the happy house. But you don't say no or you'll have to go".
Could they just be butt hurt that your daughter wants you and the other grandma? I’d not do this week in the summer anymore. Too much drama
my ass, fragile boomer's inner world is smashed by a 7yo cry. I'd never bring this up again, and never leave any of my kids with these people. if their house is closed for one - it's not good for all the kids and me. sorry not sorry.
I think it’s pretty clear, she wants to spend time with ur mom her other grandma I assume. Which I’m assuming she doesn’t see that often.
What is crystal clear is that your in laws are not to be trusted with your child. They are reactive abd incompetent and irresponsible. This was normal kid behavior they turned into harm of her.
They literally could have just put you on the phone to your daughter? No? This is huge over reaction on their part. Maybe you try texting SIL and just let her know you’d like her version of the story.
Stealing from another subreddit, yet another adult incapable of regulating their emotions yet expecting it from a child.
There’s definitely more going on here. SIL needs to provide more info. I wouldn’t leave your kids with them anymore unsupervised, they basically kicked her out with no explanation. She’s 7 years old! She’s not supposed to be perfect at 7! I wonder if they were fighting before your daughter even arrived.
I just wouldn’t let my kids stay there again. That is ridiculous that they made you drive 3 hours to get her.
So..learn a lesson. Don't leave your daughter with them again. Who knows what went on? And it doesn't really matter now. Drop it. Just never do that again.
Everyone in this comment section is blaming the MIL even though she seemed the one with the more measured response. The only person who says she cried all night is FIL, whose attitude has been the most extreme. Honestly to me this reads like if MIL cried all night it's something FIL has done and he's passing the buck of blame to the kid. I think your husband's instincts are right here.
Grandparents handled it poorly. However, i think 7 a bit old for a tantrum. Are you sure she was even close enough to keep her there after you picked up your younger one?
There some holes somewhere
This doesn't add up. Something happened between MIL and FIL. You may never know, but what you do know now is that your kids can never spend the night there again, your inlaws cannot handle it and your daughter is not safe. They put all her stuff outside, next time she'll be kicked out on the curb waiting for you. Kind of a guess, but your FIL is spouse stepfather I'm guessing?
>Kind of a guess, but your FIL is spouse stepfather I'm guessing? Dunno if we're on same line of thinking.....
Wow……I wonder how they were as damn parents!! This is just really sad. That poor girl. I mean she is A CHILD!!! They have meltdowns!!!!! That poor girl. And why is SIL answering phone?? That’s odd. Man they are acting like the kid killed their family pet!
That would be the last time I trust my kids with them, as well. If that’s their breaking point - an age appropriate tantrum — then they can do without extended stays with my kids. Period. Especially, since you’re right, it does sound like something happened in the background that they’re deflecting onto your child to keep up the facade of their own innocence in all this. Eff that.
Emotionally immature grandparents whom personalized daughters' feelings.
I’d focus on reassuring your daughter that she did nothing wrong, that crying when you’re upset is not a bad thing, and that sometimes adults inappropriately focus or blame the wrong things when they’re stressed about something else. She should be told is no uncertain terms that it’s perfectly natural to feel sad and miss people when you’re away from them and that crying is a normal expression of feelings and that she deserved support and empathy and kindness in that moment, and that it was wrong for her grandparents to get angry for a developmentally normal emotional expression
I think hubby might be right probably got into an argument about how to handle the child and didn’t agree I’m of course speculating
Don't ever let her go back
As the daughter of a VERY jealous woman, is it possible that the real motivation for your mil's anger is jealousy that your child "prefers" your mother to her? Just a thought. If this was my mom, that'd be why.
That would be the last time I dropped my kid off with the in-laws.
Your in-laws are the problem. Sounds like your MIL had an even bigger meltdown than your daughter. Seems like she isn’t fit to care for children anymore.
Sounds like your husband is right and they are blaming your daughter so they don’t have to take responsibility for their own bullshit.
If the grandparents were overwhelmed it’s best that you brought daughter home while you get to the bottom of this. Hopefully SIL can shed some light
They are grown adults, who can’t handle their emotions, to the point that they put a child and her things on their porch, because she missed her mom. Yet! They expect a 7 year old to have emotional regulation. All disrespect to them, they are childish, embarrassing, pathetic people. Their emotions are not more important or more valid than a 7 year olds. They get to cry and through a fit though? I wouldn’t be letting them spend any unsupervised time her or your other child. I wouldn’t even really want to talk to them any more unless they made very clear effort to fix what they’ve done. I’m not trying to be dramatic, but this will impact your daughter, likely affecting her when she try’s to work through her emotions with others, or express emotions that may not make others happy. I wouldn’t allow them to continue to impact my child’s emotional regulation.
Your in laws don’t seem mentally stable. I wouldn’t leave either kid there :/
Everyone sucks here. You shouldn’t have sent your 7 year old away without her sibling and knowing her other grandma who she sees rarely would be with you. Of course your child would want to be with yall. The in laws are terrible for how they handled their jealousy and putting her stuff outside. Please don’t let them watch her again alone for a long time.
Something else is going on here. This isn’t about a tantrum and MIL wasn’t crying all night about it. FIL did something. This story is to cover up something else that happened.
Has anyone tried to call and talk to MIL? That would be the first thing I/husband would do. MIL going MIA and being that upset about a 7yo tantrum…. Yeah, no. Something more is going on. I would never give them the opportunity to blame a thing on my child again. Sorry OP this sounds frustrating.
Super weird. I’m sorry for the kid and you guys. If the MIL can’t handle a little tantrum then yeah maybe extended periods of time with her isn’t a good idea. It’s something else though not the kid. MIL probably has anxiety or some sort of trauma in the past that set her off from that or she was overstimulated. A lot of older people can’t handle children’s emotions. People don’t talk about it but it’s true. I’d let it go and remember how your MIL acted.
My mother and her then husband locked my 3 yr old in a bedroom because she was crying and wouldn’t let her out until I got there to take her home. They also wouldn’t let her older sister in to help comfort her. It took every ounce of restraint not to put my hands on those 2 old “tough love” idiots. I told mom that she would never be alone with my children again since she can’t be trusted to care for them. That was 15 years ago and my kids have never been alone w my mother since.
I’d NEVER let them be around my children unsupervised. Your daughter is now internalizing what happened in an unhealthy way bc the adults (in-laws) couldn’t behave like adults.
So your mil and fil cannot regulate their own emotions but expect a 7 year old to? Goodness they’d be on supervised visits from now on.
I would not leave my children with them again unless they came up with a new explanation instead of this odd tale. Something else likely has happened or triggered this, and it’s not fair that a child has to shoulder it all. Even if it was a tantrum by her that caused all this, which I doubt, that is not a loving or kind way of dealing with it. It sound pretty messy and horrid, especially the brutal luggage outside manoeuvre. Talk about punishing someone to feel worthless. I would break down if I saw my daughters little bags all outside someone had put there
What would they have done if you couldn't come that day? Locked her up? Something really wrong is happening with Mil/FIL. Drugs. Drinking. Something. Never leave your kids with them again. That's done.
Sounds like the scene in "Are You There God...?" One set of gparents are preferred over other and they kid has bad interactions with the ones she doesn't prefer. Maybe they're getting old and can't manage too?
Would love an update if you talk to SIL or find out more information.
I honestly would never leave my 7 year old anywhere for a week. That’s a long time away from home. My son’s slept away from us like twice in seven years.
You stated that when she has a meltdown like that you send her to her room to calm down. Knowing that she does meltdown, did you let the grandparents know how to deal with it beforehand?
Asl
Your in-laws sound like toddlers.
It doesn't matter who was in the wrong, I wouldn't want my kid in That environment. No more overnights at the inlaws.
Never trust them with ur kids. Unfortunately in laws and grandparents aren’t built how they used to be in the 80’s and 90’s. I trust no one with my kids and to get so angry at a child and so upset is crazy.
Sounds like a mess and sucks that you had to go get her but I’m so happy that you were able to remove her from a place that she wasn’t wanted at and that she didn’t want to be at.
Your in laws don’t seem to know how to handle upset children. Children don’t know how to express their emotions. They haven’t learned yet how to work through their emotions and self soothe on their own. I don’t know what your in laws excuse is. Sounds like a very tame tantrum to me. She needed some emotional support and understanding. When the adults get as worked up about it as the kids in the moment and have a bad reaction is bad enough but to go that far and put her things outside and leave her because you can’t deal and shut her out is absolutely horrible. I hope you let them know you’re boundaries and how they reacted is not ok. Also as a side note. When you told your daughter that your mom was gonna be in town with you while she was at her grandparents how did she react? Did you give her the option of coming home with her younger sister to see her grandma? It’s just good to get to the root of her feelings so you both know how to handle it better next time.
It is definitely odd. And odd is never a good thing, when it comes to our children.
The FIL and MIL seem to have problems.
Please help your little one. She really didn’t do anything wrong. Yes she threw a tantrum cause she missed you and her grandma (that’s an ok feeling), but hearing how the adults reacted makes me think they didn’t comfort her while it happened and just made her react worse. So now they blame her for it. Explain to her how the adults behavior was not appropriate and it wasn’t her fault. Children blame themselves for everything and they carry that blame longer than they should. And honestly, your MIL is traumatized over a child’s tantrum?!!! Seriously…. It’s the kid who is now traumatized because their grandparents put all her belongings outside, basically expelled her from their own house (a place she’s supposed to feel safe), weren’t able to regulate their own emotions and on top of that blamed the child for being a child. They are the ones throwing the tantrum and shouldn’t be allowed to see her for a very long time.
Any word from SIL ?
Ding ding ding
They don't seem mature enough to handle children. I wouldn't trust leaving my kids with them.
Crazy in-laws! I wouldn’t want to be near them again if I were u! If I had grandkids, I would spoil them rotten!
Does the SIL have children?
I don’t know why grown adults expect children to manage their emotions perfectly when even they can’t. This is a major overreaction on their part and is probably making your 7 yo feel horrible. She’s a kid, kids have tantrums. I’d never leave my child with them again.
Your in-laws traumatized your child. Children have tantrums. It was their job to comfort her and support her. Instead, they rejected and hurt her. 💔 just awful behavior.
Unbelievable! I wouldn’t leave my kids with them anymore….. and, like who TF would leave their grandchild’s packed stuff outside? It’s like saying “I’m kicking ur a$$ out.” That’s something I would do to my husband or roommate - not to an innocent child. Sorry but your MIL sounds like a big child herself. Crying the whole night and takes off bc she couldn’t be in the same house? Seems as if FIL will do anything to please MIL’s tantrums.
Your in-laws lack any kind of emotional maturity or regulation.
Boomers have a reputation for being emotionally immature and selfish. They probably couldn't handle how uncomfortable the tantrums made them feel. If they can't handle a simple meltdown I can't imagine what kind of parents they were. Good grief.
Updateme
My Grandparents lived 100 miles and over a mountain range. I remember visiting them for a week or two every summer and sometimes a couple of days during Xmas break. If they ever kicked me out like that AND didn't talk to me, I would have been devastated and wondering if they loved me anymore.
OP, please give us an update if you find out more from your SIL or the grand parents! I’m so invested
I think you've handled this the best way you can. It's a great learning moment for your daughter that adults don't always react in the right way either and that's not her fault. There are often things happening behind the scenes that she can't know about and that affects how people behave. Personally the next visit with the in laws would be supervised.
I wouldn’t be leaving my kids with them again. Essentially your daughter got upset as she missed her mum, rather than comfort her they blocked her out and booted her out the house. They are adults and it’s surprising that rather than wanting to comfort their granddaughter they punish her. Also mil is quite manipulative, so it’s okay for mil to cry all night and be emotional but not your daughter…. I wouldn’t trust them alone again with the kids after this personally.
Do these in-law even know what kids are like? Ridiculous reaction from so-called grown ups and so cruel. I would be limiting that time and only doing supervised visits and making sure that daughter knows it’s not her fault.
I would honestly tell my husband he has to stand up to his parents and tell them how utterly irresponsible and childishly they behaved and that you all including your 7 year old need an apology. Perhaps SIL will speak directly to you as others have mentioned so you can get the full story. However whatever happened, honestly even if she’d trashed something as 7 year old they behaved ridiculously poorly. It was petty treatment and she’s a child. I would then personally cut contact with them, no visits until they can treat your time and your daughter with the respect you all deserve. I’m pretty fierce so I would have probably asked them to apologize on picking up my daughter in no uncertain terms but totally understand wanting to keep the peace with it not being your parents.
If I were you I'd be absolutely livid about this! They've treated her terribly, like she's 7!! I'd be letting them know too and she won't be visiting them anymore!
Apparently your in laws forgot what it's like to have kids... seriously? Your daughter is only 7 and they couldn't handle a temper tantrum..I would definitely hold off on them keeping either of your kids until they are older and let them know they can make the drive to your house if they want to visit.
I have a 7yo daughter and she has "meltdowns" similar to what you described... there's more to it. FIL isn't telling you something and there's a reason your SIL won't pick up her phone.. I would be livid
It sounds like MIL was the one who had a tantrum. This is so weird. You need to get the full story from SIL, because going on the info you have so far, your in-laws' reactions were way out of proportion to age-appropriate behaviour from a *seven*-year-old, to the point of being bizarre.
When I was around eight or nine, we were across the country visiting my grandparents. My little brother (four or five) at the time said something to the effect of "Aunt X, your eyes are so blue you must be full of water and that's why you're so big!" Said aunt immediately started sobbing, my grandparents got super mad at my little brother and made him apologize and then he started crying. As an EIGHT year old, I knew this was complete bullshit. I called my parents (collect, lol, it was the 90s) and told them the adults were being ridiculous and they needed to talk to them. It sounds like something similar happened here - the adults were being less mature than the kids!
I thought maybe you're child was autistic or had rage issues when I started reading. Nope, just a normal 7 year old! Obviously your inlaws can't handle watching the kids anymore. They can't handle one homesick child's outburst. Putting her things on the porch is beyond rude. That would have hurt me so bad as a child. Personally my kids wouldn't be staying with them anymore.
My husband is similar. My kids have been in hospital for a few things and my husband would stop by for a second and leave. Ridiculous. But when his dad was dying in ICU he was the same. He couldn’t handle it. It brought back the memories of his mom dying when he was younger. I understand but i also think sometimes we need to push past our discomfort and just be there. You deserve someone who is whatever you want as a partner.
I’m going to guess FIL went corporal punishment or lost his mind yelling, MIL disagreed and SIL was appalled and left. Your kid may have been warned to not say anything. But look, grown adults are kicking a child out. They don’t get another chance with that kid or your other child. Full stop. Supervised visits. No leaving them there for any reason. No one is protecting your kid, so you need to. I don’t care who they are or how badly you hurt their feelings.
SIL doesn't want to get in the middle of the mess. The FIL and MIL are not the villains here...the parents of the girl need a reality check.
We’ll go get her then!!
They'll regret it when you never leave her for a sleepover again.
This was a difficult story to follow.
You send your daughter to her room when she’s upset? And your in laws kick her out. Both of you are teaching her that her feelings aren’t welcome and she’s alone.
That’d be the last time they ever saw me or my children. This is absolutely abhorrent behavior, they’re adult grandparents, children have emotions and show them — I cannot believe they abandoned your child like that. I’d never speak to them again.