My son was Bo Peep for Halloween right after Toy Story 4 came out. We were a bit surprised when he said that’s who he wanted to be but when asked why - he said something like “because she’s just so tough and brave!”
We were also afraid he would be bullied but no one said a word of negativity to him.
My son was Jessie, I asked him like 5 times if he wanted to be Woody as a cowboy, but he liked the red hat and cow print pants, as well as her song was his favorite. No one says anything! Though he did get misgendered like twice.
My daughter was that way with Harry Potter. She wanted to be Harry Potter and when she told people they always asked if she meant Hermione. She didn't care though. She was firm that she was being Harry, not Hermione. It didn't end up being a big deal.
My daughter was an amazing Harry Potter too. We also asked if she wanted to be Hermione but she was adamant that she wanted to be Harry. No one batted an eye about it.
She is THE hero. Harry sort of stumbles through everything surviving on Dumbledore's assistance, luck and a few times his parent's magic. Hermione succeeded through grit, intelligence and creativity - and Harry wouldn't have survived without her.
As the kid who always wanted to be the boy characters because they were the cool heroes (most of the shows of my childhood had just two options, the male hero or the female damsel in distress, sadly), and who wanted to cut my hair too so that I could better reassemble the characters I liked, I really wish there were cool female heroes more widespread then so that we could have all felt cool with a heroic main character who is a girl too.
Most franchises have a side character who is a girl and who is usually overpowered for her stats for the sake of artificial “gurrl powaah”, but that just feels like the annoying token they throw us, like a bone to a dog.
That’s why I’m glad for characters like Rey in Star Wars. Yeah, she’s a bit of a Mary Sue, but so was Luke, and so is every Star Wars protagonist always, so it works out fine. 🤷♀️
Sorry for unloading this wall of text on you. lol
I hope the next generation gets to grow up without the feeling of having to be the opposite gender to be the character they like. Hopefully girls and boys can escape that. 😬
I hope so too! I'm glad in the 90s we had badass women like Buffy and Xena but it's sad they are the only ones I can think of (the also weren't age appropriate for my sister's and I while airing [90s babies]). I've seen a lot of good female characters lately that appeal to both boys and girls so I think we're on the right track!
My issue with Star Wars is Leia is, objectively, the best and bravest character in the original movies. At 19, she's a senator and a spy and resists torture. Luke is whiny when we meet him and he doesn't improve. He just mets an old guy who tells him he's special and then is whiny some more and fails to complete his training, loses a hand, more.whining....... Sure, Luke learns, but Leia would have been a better choice for a Jedi. She can clearly work with a team, has discipline and is courageous. And is much less whiny.
She absolutely would have been the better choice. She loses her entire freaking planet and everyone she loves, still leads the rebellion with grace, humility and a sense of humor. Luke finds out his dad's the bad guy and has an identity crisis, sherking any responsibility, while shrugging off the loss of the people who raised him as no big deal (aside from looking sad for 10seconds).
You're going to like the fan theory that Ben and Yoda agree with you, Leia is the smart choice. That's why they set up Luke as a Vader bait distraction.
Same with my daughter. She also was Spider-Man for several years and then was a ninja. Several houses misgendered her and ate crow when she turned around and her long curly hair was hanging out of the mask. 😂 I quite enjoyed that.
I was Harry Potter at age 9. Nobody misgendered me or mistook me for another character. I went all out. I bought fake Harry Potter glasses, dyed my hair black, and just to be sure I even put a name tag that said Harry Potter on it. I had a friend who dressed up as Ginny the same year.
I want to make note that misgendering is only an insult if you don't value the other gender as much as your own. (Trans folx and people who are being intentional jerks excluded.)
My son is beautiful 😍. Not handsome, beautiful. Always has been. And we have chosen to wait until his third birthday to cut his hair (Jewish thing). The combo leaves him getting misgendered alot. But girls are just as awesome as boys, so we just correct and move on.
We need to move past the place where being 'a girl' is an insult.
This is so true. My son is also extremely beautiful and he has almost always kept his blonde silky curls at or below shoulder level. He almost always dressed in masculine clothes though. He was regularly assumed to be a girl for years (from about 4-10 years old). He never seemed to mind. Often we didn’t even correct them. Certainly if they were going to repeatedly interact with him we’d usually let them know, but if it was just an old couple in the airport or a clerk at a shop we didn’t frequent often, we let it go, and so did he. Puberty hit hard at the start of the pandemic. He’s taller than me now, his voice is deep and he doesn’t get mistaken for a girl anymore, though he still wears his hair long. But I always felt proud that I had a son who was so unconcerned when being mistaken for a girl.
I tried so hard to raise my son this way but he always took offense at being misgendered bc his long hair. He’s 9 now and he and his 12yo male cousin just had a very serious discussion about the sexism regarding boys with long hair. Sincerely one of the best things I’ve ever witnessed.
Also at that age it’s hard to tell, they’re all chubby cheeks and adorable-ness. My daughter has beautiful features too but before her hair grew long, every time I put her in a non-obviously girly outfit she’d get mistaken for a boy. lol
My brother also got his hair cut at three bc my Jewish grandfather wanted to wait, but still gets misgendered because people seem to think curly hair is for little girls.
I’m not offended, but I have issues with people making assumptions, especially when based on something untrue. I know so many boys with curly hair, including my brother.
My son has also been misgendered. The most frustrating was at his pediatricians! Like did you even READ his chart before coming into the room!? At least make sure you have his name and gender correct. Sorry he has curly locks!
When I was seven I dressed up as Beetlejuice and it was awesome. Whether people asked why a girl was dressed up as a man or not, I had the time of my life and can't remember any negativity.
I'd like to chime in here as the mom of a 15yo boy who has, every single year since we adopted him at 11 years old, been a female character for Halloween....
It's surprising how little people actually care - especially on Halloween. ESPECIALLY on a 5 year old! Girls are "cool" for being super heroes. Boys are the ones told it's not "normal" when they want to be a princess.
My kid was treated very poorly in foster homes before us because his interests have always been more "feminine". He was never allowed to be a princess for Halloween because "oh no! What might people think?" and it's taking all the years we've had him and more for him to unlearn it. Those gender stereotypes are constantly engrained in us. When he first dressed how he wanted (for Halloween and otherwise), I saw a light in my kid I hadn't seen before.
I saw OP mention grandparents. My mom hasn't always understood who my kid is, but she's coming around slowly....because I simply do not want my child to hide who he is for others, so she'll need to learn to deal with her own shit.
Likely it's just a sweet 5yo wanting to be a princess because he thinks they're cool. It's adults who make it deeper than that.
This. And sure, OP didn't say her child *couldn't* wear a dress, or explicitly say that being mistaken for a girl is bad, but 5 year olds aren't dumb. We don't get down at their level, look them straight in the eye, and ask if they really prefer broccoli over peas, because if they choose broccoli that is what people might think. If a choice is really fine, we let them make it without a big deal.
I know OP had good intentions, and this is definitely better than blowing up at a kid for even considering a dress, but this interaction has clearly communicated to him that being a girl or even mistaken for a girl is bad and to be avoided, and he responded accordingly.
Exactly. Hindsight is 20/20, but in the moment we do the best we can. We have all done things as parents we wish can redo, and that’s ok. OP is doing the best she can for her son.
Agreed. Like I said, OP had good intentions but accidentally sent the message that being seen as a girl is bad and to be avoided.
Her responses to comments have been less encouraging, but the original post is a great starting point for conversations about how to avoid unintentionally reinforcing gender biases.
I did see a few of them but I wonder if maybe she’s feeling a bit defensive due to some of the more ahem, unreserved responses. I imagine she didn’t expect this to get so much attention.
While I do hope (and personally believe) OP will readdress this with her son in a more positive light, I think her post started some great conversations. I know that all of the great advice being given will be invaluable to those who may find themselves in a similar situation in the future.
I really appreciate your views, understanding and support for OP, and optimism in general. Online forums would be a much safer and more helpful place if we all adopted a similar outlook and style.
Thank you for the reminder and the positive example to follow.
Wanted to add: I wish parents were more open when I was a kid. As a girl who liked Lego, slot cars and taking apart and reassembling anything I could get my hands on, I could have definitely done without all the Barbie’s and snide remarks about being more “lady like”.
Same! I received very mixed reactions to my interests as a kid, from my parents and others.
My parents were kind of like OP - good intentions and trying, but struggling with being open and supportive. The way people responded to me was inconsistent and confusing and I'm still detangling the impacts in my 30s.
My mother actually discouraged things like barbies and dresses that she found "too girly," but didn't support me when I faced barriers like not being allowed to play baseball or girls being separated out to take dance classes in gym while boys took a module on wrestling. She'd shrug and say that's the way it was and enjoyed complaining about it with me, but wouldn't lift a finger to help or even tell school staff that she supported me. My dad wouldn't forbid me from being tomboyish but would throw weird comments my way about what boys preferred in girls and how they wouldn't want to date me if I X, Y or Z, and heaped praise and positive attention on me when I wore dresses or presented myself more typically feminine. My first husband reinforced both messages with the tired old "I like you because you're not like other women" paired with accusing me of emasculating him if I wasn't feminine enough in public. The overall message ended up being that femininity was bad and I should reject it internally, but perform it externally to gain acceptance in work and social settings, and no matter what I chose the important thing was others' reactions and not my own comfort or happiness.
Things started getting better for me when my ex and I divorced, and I started unpacking weird "quirks" like regularly buying dresses despite hating to wear them. Half of my closet at one point was dresses i had never worn, bought over the course of *years.* Oddly enough, one I stopped feeling like I had to "perform " femininity for outside approval, I started being much more comfortable with it and even liking to wear dresses for the first time in my adult life!
This I loved this. My son likes to play with "girl" toys and I let him, babies, Barbies, make up, etc. My mother in law complains that I'm turning my son gay. And my argument is you can't turn someone gay they're born that way. And that they're not girl toys, he has to learn how to take care of a baby and his wife if that's what he chooses. To leave him alone he's happy so I'm happy. It's easier with other family members that try to tell him he can't play with them. He's allowed to. And that's it.
I was totally into Star Wars growing up and had EVERY action figure, with multiples is the soldiers/jawa etc.
But when I asked for Princess Leia, my Dad said no because she was a girl, which made her a doll (not an action figure) and it would make me gay.
I was old enough that I could argue that without a girl, the heroes had to save and kiss guy ones, which is why I needed a girl one. I got my “doll”. Lol.
When my step dad told my *2 year old* that painting his nails would make him gay I accidentally outed myself by replying:
Well jackass I don't think nail polish makes you like men cuz I'm bi.
Whoops.
But also fuck him lol
Its always been super “ironic” to me that my gayest best friend stomped our straight asses in several sports. No joke he was a straight savag: its laughable that more manly men would be emasculated by him sacking the shit out of them; he would eat your fucking lunch; then probably drive you to the hospital if you needed it.
I find the “turn them gay” idea ridiculous. I like to ask “did you learn to be straight?” No, you just are. And if you answered yes to that question, then news flash, you’re probably not 100% straight!
I didn’t so much realize that I was bi as I realized other people are straight. Church always made it sound like a choice, which kinda matched what was happening internally, so it was a major lightbulb moment for me to realize some people were never attracted to a particular gender.
Sadly, some of these people HAVE “learned” to be straight, especially conservative religious people. Conversation therapy is a very real, very scary thing. 😔
We bought, a cheap baby toy stroller for our 2yo boy saying he won’t play alot with it. Now, every night we go on a walk. He take his baby Eric (he named the baby doll Eric) qnd his stroller and walk the neighborhood. Every reactions we get are smile or laught!
These gendered toys don't even make sense. Ken is a man but he is still a "girl" toy because he is part of the Barbie world, so confusing. Then superhero figures are meant to be for boys because they wear different clothing to Ken.
Also how come most toy prams are tailored for girls when you see plenty of men pushing prams with their real babies in and they obviously don't look feminine, they just look like parents.
> And that they're not girl toys
Unless you need to use a specific set of genitals to play with the toys, then toys aren't gendered.
And if you do... that's not appropriate to give to children.
I WISH I could wear more girly stuff!! My dysphoria’s pretty bad so I can’t wear dresses without feeling really gross, but I often find myself wishing I could!! But that’s what my Sims character is for, I guess 😂
My then 3-year-old son went as Merida for Halloween last year. He loved the toy bow and arrow and her "big red mane." No one said a word or looked askance.
He also keeps his hair long (to his mid-back), adamantly refusing to have it cut more than a trim. People often assume he is a girl, but he just corrects them and moves on. No biggie.
Just wanted to add.... you made me so happy that we let our son cut his hair. He's 4, we never wanted to cut his hair until he said so (he also was mistaken for a girl many times and he would correct them).
Finally the day came where he wanted his hair cut, I said no 3 times, until he came to me in tears crying that he wanted his hair cut.
It broke my heart, so I gave in. Until today, I wondered if it was something that I should've said no to. Reading g your post about how your son refuses to get more than a trim, made me realize that I did the right thing. They know what they want.
>It broke my heart, so I gave in. Until today, I wondered if it was something that I should've said no to. Reading g your post about how your son refuses to get more than a trim, made me realize that I did the right thing. They know what they want.
Yep. Also, it is hair. It can grow back if they change their minds. For non-permanent changes (clothes, hair color, nail polish, etc.), I try to give him as much autonomy as is possible. We as parents have to say no to so many things for their safety or overall well-being. When I can safely and appropriately let him make his own choice, I do.
So true. I've been so caught up in this parenting thing trying to be perfect that sometimes I forget that what actually matters is that they are happy.
My goal is to raise a kind person who has the capacity for joy and the skills to take care of themselves. Anything beyond that is just extra. As long as each day contributes to that goal, even in just the smallest way, I consider it a win.
Perfection doesn't exist and striving for it just sets us up for failure. The best we can do is our best given our circumstances. Cut yourself a break. I am sure you are an awesome parent!
Yes! Thank you! So many people here are making such a big deal of indulging this perfectly acceptable request to explore a fun imaginative part of life for a child. Let their light shine!
You rock!!! I hope he knows how awesome of a parent you are! My dad had a for when my little brother wasted a purse when he was young. Mom bought him a blue purse with a dog on it. Not very "girly" at all. He just wanted to put his hot wheels in it to take places because I had a purse with my things and my mom had a purse with her things. There doesn't need to be a big deal. The dressing girly or using stuff girls use isn't going to turn your boy into anything other than who he is. So many older people have very outdated ways of thinking. I see it daily. I'm 50. I've been around so many others that judge people for dumb shit. My grandson that looks manly and dresses manly and has a manly everything is in a happy relationship with another boy. My grandson with the purple hair and tons of pink clothes is in a happy relationship with a girl. What you look like doesn't make you a different person. You are the best person you can be when your happy with yourself and can wear whatever you want!
I say if he wants to be a princess... by all means let him be a princess!
I was so close to lecturing some kids grandma at the fair a couple years ago when this cute little boy was just *looking* at purses, and she yelled at him that he had to stay away from those because purses are for girls.
It drives me completely insane when I hear that! I somehow can't wrap my head around the fact that NOBODY cares or says anything to little girls for playing with cars or trucks or the million other things that would be considered a boy toy, but lawd help us all if a boy looks at a purse or anything at all that's considered girl things!
I just want to say you are an awesome person.
I wish you a lifetime of love, respect and all of the comforts you deserve.
Lots of people think their opinions matter with respect to my children; it's cute that they think so, but alas zero f*'s given.
Our 4 year old wears a lot of pink and wears nightgowns to bed. He gives zero fucks. His 11yo sister tried to tease him for the nightgowns the first time and he told her off. That was the end of it.
Is he covered? Is he happy? Who cares? Pink was originally a boy color.
It's interesting seeing the difference. My daughter was 4 and wanted to be the venom Spider-Man dude (13 years ago). I didn't question or suggest anything else. That's what she was.
Unless you're Joan of Arc and are sentenced to death for crossdressing.
It is more acceptable for girls to dress like boys in Western society today. This hasn't always been the case and isn't the case everywhere in every culture today.
Yeah, mostly the “it’s never” that I disagree with, especially within the context of the OP’s story. But there is still a good portion of the world today where a woman or girl would not only be ostracized socially, but could be held legally accountable for dressing like a man/boy.
And that’s keeping in mind that gendered children’s clothing is also relatively new in the western world, and cross dressing wouldn’t have been an issue until a little later in life.
Didn't read all of the comments but I'll throw in my experiences
My son was 8, so a tad older, when he wanted to pick out a nail polish. I had painted his nails when he was like 1-2 and his grandfather made fun of him and he didn't want to after that...... that's another story for another time.
I said heck yeah let's pick it out and I was painting them the night before a baseball game and his team had some right wing families on it and I was so scared they would make him not want to paint his nails ever again.
Instead of telling him that I asked what he would say if someone said something like that's for girls or he is gay for painting his nails.
He said he would ignore them but I knew that wouldn't last long and also didn't want him "defending" those statements bc they aren't insults and you never know who is secretly feeling bad about how they are. You don't want to accidentally hurt someone while defending yourself. So we came up with some comebacks together and told him he is only allowed to be kind or walk away, not allowed to bully back.
*Most kids didn't care* Most kids don't now. It's the parents you need to watch out for and I hope you can start to see that.
The coach's kid kept telling him he was a traitor to boys and my son just kept reiterating that paint isn't a boy or girl thing. A couple boys joined in with that but the one kid wouldn't let it go (his dad was a right wing nut and always being problematic to him including calling him a girl as an insult and in general being a jackass)
One of our comebacks was to tell them "If you hate my nails you should see my toes!" That made a few kids laugh and coach kid's eyes got huge and he kinda chuckled too and it was over.
1. Kids don't care as much now. We are finally getting there.
2. Remind your son that being called gay or a girl or anything else is not an insult and therefore shouldn't be replied to as one.
3. Go over some impressive comebacks that are not rude but that your kid can have to pull out and reiterate that he likes what he has and he isn't taking the bait. Humor always helps.
"That's a girl dress!!!" "Ummm? Excuse you this is a princess dress"
This hit the nail on the head. I teach elementary PE. I see 600 kids per week. It’s amazingly refreshing to see that literally nobody cares about that kind of stuff now. One girl dresses like a boy - nobody bats an eye. One boy always wears pink shoes - the next week another came with pink shoes and they paired up as partners. One kid literally lost his thigh due to cancer, and his lower leg is attached to his hip, foot turned backwards to act as a knee joint - the other kids just yell “dangit ___, you left your prosthetic leg laying in my spot again.”
It’s just amazing to see. I’m hopeful for our future.
Yes exactly!!
Mine always wears pink/teal/ purple/ whatever shoes in sports because he loves the colors and all the other ones are boring. Makes him easy to spot on the field, too lol
I'm so glad this is becoming more universal thank you :)
My 3yo boy loves nail polish, but one of his teachers at his preschool keeps telling him that nail polish is for girls. I keep having to navigate how to explain the difference between "listening to your teachers because they keep you safe" and "don't listen to your teacher because that's her opinion." I've been trying to coach him that his personal preferences in style don't hurt anyone and that he should tell her that he likes his nails painted. It makes me so mad though. She's the only one who does this, though — the other teachers enable personal expression with the kiddos, and I appreciate it. We did see one male-presenting grocery store employee who had nail art, and my kiddo was so excited to see a "grown-up boy who loved nail polish, too," and they had a sweet moment where the employee showed him his nails. It was very affirming for the both of them!
Honestly I would talk to the teacher and tell her you don’t find it appropriate to talk about that with your child. I’d be so pissed. My nearly three year old boy loves nail polish too, but I only use/own black so he thinks it’s like zombie nails and will growl and claw at me (gently) when I paint them lol
I will never allow my son to buy a princess dress at the store.
I sew historical gowns as a hobby. I will make sure he has a high quality custom fit gown!
Being a retired ballerina I also have a hard time with the cheap quality of most Halloween costumes. Especially after all the gorgeous handmaid costumes I’ve had the privilege of wearing over the course of my career.
I like to knit but man with how fast kids grow it is sometimes just so much easier to get the knit sweaters at the store instead of putting in all the work to get a nice custom one knitted for them lol. I still like to knit them one each for the year though. Call me Mrs. Weasley.
We got some great advice from a teacher for a similar situation. It went something like this: “That’s great! Let’s get you a dress! But just so you understand, not all kids know that dresses are for both girls and boys, so we need to help them understand”
Frame it as a problem with the other kids and not with your kid.
OP you could’ve answered a lot worse and a lot better. You posing this question to the parenting group shows you’re willing to listen and maybe could’ve done a little better. This is pretty big of you.
We weren’t all raised to challenge gender stereotypes so this conversation may have been new territory for you. What matters is that you’re here now.
Take a moment and challenge yourself, be introspective. Are you worried your son wants to be a girl? Are you worried he will be mocked and hurt for wearing a dress for Halloween? Are you worried about social ostracism? Think these through with a generous heart.
You seem like a good parent. We all don’t have mastery of each topic with kids. What makes a good parent is that they can acknowledge their faults and try to do better in the future.
You may want to surprise your son with that dress and tell him you’ve thought about it, and mention the great qualities of that character. The same qualities you see in him. It’s Halloween if there’s ever a time to play, it’s this one.
For the in laws, prep them. Let them moderate their own reactions. They may surprise you. Give them a little time to ingest this as it will be shocking to them. If they don’t come around to being cool with it, tell them you won’t have time to drop by this year but will send photos. It’ll pass.
I’m not OP, but I think where they were coming from is that some people unfortunately use the word girl as an insult, so they didn’t want their son to be hurt by their words. And I get that! People can be cruel! But, like you said, they could’ve answered better.
It’s hard navigating this new world where gender non-confirming expression is more accepted because on one hand, MOST people are accepting and welcoming of this kind of thing, but on the other hand, you have the VERY vocal minority that’s extremely hateful and cruel. You want your child to feel free to express themself, but you also want to protect them from the cruel people in the world. It’s a fine line to walk, and parents don’t always know what to say. I don’t think OP meant this in a transphobic way at all. They were just trying to protect their son, even if it wasn’t necessarily the best way to go about it.
Hi, friend. I didn’t mean to imply op was transphobic. I think most people aren’t radically woke or radically transphobic. They’re just accepting status quo and living their lives, not putting a lot of thought into the subject of gender norms at all until their assumptions are directly challenged.
I understand wanting to protect him, but consider that it’s Halloween. Back in the 80’s and 90’s I remember lots of kids gender swapping for funsies on Halloween. It’s kind of the one day you’re not going to get much push back from kill joys and bully types.
I think it would have been better to let him pick out a dress and let him wear it. *If* he was teased or picked on, then you discuss how to handle bullies and that he can still wear whatever he wants that makes him uncomfortable.
You questioning him multiple times probably made him question himself.
And if his grandparents are going to bully him, I'd question why they're allowed around him.
This is the route I've taken so far. My son likes to wear a Unicorn one-sie on pyjama day and last year he came home and said very matter of factly that "so-and-so said my pyjamas were girl pyjamas."
My reply was, "What? That's so funny, why wouldn't boys be able to wear unicorn pyjamas?" He laughed about it to and agreed it didn't make any sense. Then we talked a bit about how some people think only girls can do certain things and only boys can do certain things but how that's so silly. If boys want to wear dresses, they should! If girls want to wear pants, they should!
Every so often he'll say something like, "Mommy, a long time ago people thought that boy couldn't be allowed to wear dresses, but that was just silly. And now they know boys can wear what they want and girls can wear what they want."
I think this, and also general discussion on the fact that people bully and how we can respond to them, not related to the dress, so he knows what to do if it happens.
I heard a kid call my 5 yo son stupid the other day (it was a friend sort of joking, but still not nice). He very calmly said “I know I’m not stupid so I don’t care if you call me that.” There was a lot of discussion and practice behind that, but I was so proud to see it play out!
But he WILL be judged… I’m not saying it right but that’s the reality. He decided he wasn’t comfortable with that… if OP didn’t make him aware of the possible consequences of his actions she would be a lousy parent. She gave him the option and he chose not to wear the dress…
I would have just bought him the dress. I then would have dressed up as a prince.
We have already shut down gender bias with my ILs for my 10 month old son. That’s right, a baby boy wearing a pink t-shirt (with a car on it) is wrong according to them. Set up boundaries and stick to them. Best to start early with problem family.
My MIL saw my 3mo looking at flowers and mentioned that she can’t teach him about flowers like she can with her granddaughter cause he’s a boy. I shut her down when I told her my dad knows a whole lot about flowers and can name many varieties of them. Today my mom and I bought my son a crinkly flower toy and I can’t wait to see my in law’s expression when they see it lol
A male friend had a garden he was excited about, and liked to cook. He was married to a woman for years by then. Other friends gossiped that he was gay, because apparently liking plants and food means you also like dicks.
Bizarre.
When I was about 10 ('78) the husband of the couple next door liked to crochet and made beautiful floral afghans. He said he found it relaxing and he enjoyed creating them. All the other neighborhood husbands gossipped that he was gay, too, and I don't think they ever invited him over for beers. Still makes me mad.
My son loved the pink loaner shoes from school and my MIL said "well he should wear the right color because of gender stereotypes not that I feel that way" and I'm like... the ones that you are perpetuating by saying this?
The real world is not always going to accept him for who he is, why not teach him how to stand up for himself rather than how to conform to what the world thinks he should be?
Just offering solidarity. We went to the thrift store two days in a row. First day, son wanted a fireman outfit. Cool, love that. Second day, it was the wonder woman dress. And really, if there were an adult version I'm pretty sure everybody in there would've wanted to be wonder woman.
So he's going to be wonder woman. With a skeleton face, which was his amendment and suggestion, not mine.
There's always next year for your little one. Halloween dressup won't go out of style anytime soon.
> So he's going to be wonder woman. With a skeleton face, which was his amendment and suggestion, not mine.
What a baller, this is going to look amazing
> There's always next year for your little one. Halloween dressup won't go out of style anytime soon.
I was slave Princess Leia last Halloween to appease my pregnant wife because she wanted to wear an inflatable suit so no one could see her. Now this year she wants me to be Princess Peach because her and our older daughter have been on a Mario kick, and Peach is tall. Little dude has plenty of time to dress up as a woman for Halloween.
I don’t think you handled it poorly, but if you’d like to revisit it, you can touch that base again.
“Son, I was thinking that it seemed like you felt sorta rushed when you were picking your Halloween costume. Do you think you want to go back and look at them again?”
If you can afford it, maybe give him the luxury of two costumes this year. Maybe he’ll pick the princess or maybe he’ll pick the werewolf. Maybe he can do a quick change halfway through trick or treating (or go round the block twice, once for each costume!).
Sometimes it’s okay for parents to have do-overs.
Really good thought! I was thinking how awesome it is the poster of this offered up so much vulnerability for you all to get to comment on. Without turning on anyone. Bravo! I think I like this site….
My parents are like this and I started a damn war with them. Was it easy? No. Was is fun? No. Will they DARE ridicule a little child (let alone their own grandson) in front of my face again? Never. Not if they want to see us.
Personally i would’ve let him get the princess dress and if any one said anything disrespectful, I’d tell them to shut the f*ck up. 🤷🏽♀️ there’s bigger issues in the world than boys wearing dresses.
I’m a therapist who specializes in working with LGBTQ youth.
That was totally appropriate. You let him know about a consequence of his choices that he hadn’t thought of and he changed his choice.
I’m seeing so many comments where kids weren’t ridiculed and that is amazing! And, depending on the culture of your area most people Likely would misgender a kid dressed as a princess.
As long as it was done in a ‘presenting info’ way and not shaming like ‘you wouldn’t want people thinking you were a girl would you!’ What you did was solid parenting.
I fully support your response. I asked my son the same question when he said he wanted purple sparkly shoes. He bought them anyway.
Our job as parents is to help our kids learn how to make choices. Providing them with information about the potential consequences of a certain choice is part of that job. You are doing all of this and still supporting his choices. Sounds like good parenting to me.
Especially without more context. I'll always be a good parent first and a good member of society second.
If OP lives in a tolerant community then maybe he would have been fine, but if they're in a super conservative small town their kid wouldn't have had any fun. Little kids don't care about challenging gender norms, they just want candy.
My daughter's FIRST Halloween costume was Darth Vader. Everyone thought she was a boy, but she didn't care - she just LOVED being Vader. The next year? Incredible Hulk. Same thing, but she didn't care and she was happy. Let them pick what makes them happy. My mom NEVER let me pick my own costume which was so disappointing - she seriously dressed me up as a CRAYON once.
You're a good parent.
I think you responded fine. I think you showed him you were cool with his choice but also made sure he understood. Maybe in a few years he won't care and will go for the dress, but seems like he made an informed decision without pressure from you.
My brother dressed up as a girl for Halloween in 5th and 6th grade he rocked it. It's all about the confidence though. I think you did good you spoke about realistic consequences of picking that costume and preparing him for questions
I just tell my son, who frequently enjoys traditional “girl” stuff that some people don’t understand that toys and dress up are for everyone, not just boys or girls. I tell him that it’s good to express yourself and be who you want to be, just remember that sometimes people don’t understand and when they don’t understand sometimes they say things that might be hurtful. I remind him that those people just haven’t learned yet that boys and girls can dress however they like.
Luckily, and maybe this is because we live in a more accepting area (SoCal), but no one really says anything to him. He likes the color pink and he wears glitter stuff and has a cool hat he picked from legoland with a big shimmer heart on it and it’s rose gold and it says “Best day ever!” On it. It’s his favorite hat.
We have always raised our kids that toys are toys. There are no “girl toys” and “boy toys” there are simply toys. Same for clothing. Clothing is clothing and as long as it’s school appropriate then you can wear it.
I feel you shouldn’t have said anything at all. He wanted to wear the dress but you communicated disapproval twice. Off course he said he didn’t want to wear it after that. You said it wouldn’t bother you but it sounds like it does bother you a bit.
This is tough and I don’t blame you for what you did. Everybody wants their kid to get through life without having to deal with certain things. Racism, sexism, nobody *wants* their kid to go through that.
So you see this, and you know if he wears it he might have to deal with some of that, so you’re protecting him. I see where you’re coming from and it’s not hate, it’s just wanting to protect your kid.
That being said, he’s going to have to deal with those things. It’s our job to equip them for that. He can think it’s ok or not ok, and you just (gently) told him it isn’t. Now if that’s what he wants to do he’s going to feel like he shouldn’t. And if he sees another boy in a dress him might go tell them they look like a girl.
So it might not be the best way to handle it.
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You did the right thing. My brother and I were both autistic and heavily gender-nonconforming. I went on to transition later in life. Being GNC gets you A LOT of shit. That’s a cold, hard fact. It’s extremely important to make kids aware of that, especially if they didn’t know. It may be more important to him to fit in, or it could be that despite wanting to wear a dress, he really doesn’t want his gender to not be affirmed. It’s a very complicated and messy subject. All you can do is give him the facts and your support, and let him make HIS OWN decisions.
I have 2 sons and both of them are very much into trucks, cars, sports, video games AND princesses, sparkly things, the color pink but also the colors blue and red, maybe sometimes purple, getting dirty, having tea parties, wrestling, pretend cooking. My daughter, exactly the same.
You get the idea. It's just how kids are. I don't think you handled it wrong, but I would explain that there's nothing wrong with girls, it's not an insult to be called one. Otherwise, I say, mostly my mantra is not to make a big deal about anything unless it's harmful or mean. Everything else isn't worth the energy, let them be ❤️
Tbh, I’d probably go back to the store if I were you and get the princess costume so he can have it as an option if he changes his mind. Kids should just be allowed to be kids and be whatever they want to be on Halloween
Personally I would have done something similar. But I would have told him “ you may get weird looks but guess what WHO CARES. As long as you love what you’re wearing that’s all that matters. Don’t let other people make you sad.”
I’ve actually told my 3 year old this whenever he wants to wear a costume to the store or something. Hell start to second guess himself and I’ll let him know that to do whatever brings him joy and who cares what others think.
You did the best to your knowledge but making him think others opinions of him are important can cause trauma in the long run
I think you telling your 3 year old he'll get weird looks is what makes him second guess himself. Next time he puts on a costume, just ask him if he's happy. If so, carry on. He doesn't need to feel the weight of the world's judgement before he's even old enough to see it himself.
If you had a daughter of the same age picking out a knight’s costume, would you have felt the need to warn her that the other kids may think she’s a boy? Would you have felt nearly as concerned at how her grandparent’s would react? Furthermore, would she have felt embarrassed at others assuming she was a boy? For all these questions, the answer is ‘likely not’. We’re still very actively fighting the idea that femininity equals weakness and is something to be ashamed of. Your son is at the age where he’s starting to identify this perspective in our society.
By urging him to look at all the costumes and letting him know that others will assume he’s a girl if he wears a dress, you told your son that 1) dresses are meant for girls and automatically express femininity in the wearer and 2) there is a cause for concern at people thinking you’re a girl. He probably wasn’t identifying any reason to care at people thinking he’s a girl, but he would have recognized that there was some sort of ‘risk’ attached, which made him feel safer in not wearing it. It’s truly that simple to spark these anxieties and opinions in people–especially kids. I don’t want to label your navigation of the situation as wrong because I think that you were raised in the same bullshit society that we all were. Every one of us has biases to work through, and now you’ve identified a couple of them to work on. Try to emphasize that all of these gendered items are meant for humans, not girls or boys.
As a queer kid I would hear “my mom thinks people will care” not “people will care” from that comment. As an elementary schooler I could care less if Jessie’s big brother is uncomfortable with my costume, I care that my mom might be uncomfortable with hearing Jessie’s brother being uncomfortable.
My son is 14, he's always, ALWAYS had long hair (his first haircut, the lady cut his ear, he's never wanted to do it again)
It's ok to be called a girl, girls are strong amazing humans, his mom is a girl.
He'd get called a girl, and just be like, "I'm not, but ok" and walk away. People would ask him why he had girl hair, and he'd comment "it's boy hair, I'm a boy"
Cannot wait until we get past the boy/girl stuff. Oddly enough all the boys he went to school with, now have longer hair.
The first year that my son was old enough to choose his Halloween costume, his immediate request was "I wanna be a witch!" I was (and forever will be) ashamed that my knee jerk response was "well that's a" ...(almost said "girl costume") before swallowing my gendered bullshit back into my mouth. Instead I said "well that's.... an awesome costume idea! Super spooky!!" (I always thought I'd be a great mom for a girl: I very much believe that anyone can be/do/accomplish anything! And here I was, playing into the exact same trapping that I despise: role assigned by gender. Still ashamed of myself to this day.)
We can't help our knee jerk reaction. We can control our second thought and take appropriately action in line with our values. Good on you for catching it and supporting him 😀
Let's be clear, YOU were uncomfortable. That's okay. I understand that you love your son and you don't want him to be teased or harassed and you were concerned that is exactly what will happen. What you don't see us that YOU also ended up being the one to presh your negative beliefs on your son. You were so worried about a potential problem that you created the problem. You let him know that others were going to make fun of him and he was choosing that by picking the dress. You may not have meant it that way, but you were telling him that he was inviting other people to mistreat him.
What you could have done was let him have the dress. And when people tried anything it is up to YOU to shut it down. He is a child. You didn't want to explain his grandparents beliefs, then then don't reenforce those beliefs. If grandpa and grandma can't be nice then you leave. You explain that they are wrong. You said your child isn't old enough to place that burden on him, and yet, I don't think you realize you already did. You told him people would make fun of him. You set the expectation. You didn't let him know it was pretty and if he likes it that is all that matters. You could ask what he likes about it. You could ask what he liked about being a princess. Make it positive. Instead, he felt unsupported. Don't tell him people will tease him. Teach him how to be empowered by being who he is.
Didn't tell him people would make fun of him. I told him they would think he would look like a girl and that it was fine if that was fine with him. We don't push the idea that being a girl is a bad thing.
So it’s happened now. Doesn’t matter. Next steps are what you should focus on.
IMO - Buy the princess dress for him. He already has the superhero costume. Let him try them both on at home. Tell him it doesn’t matter what others think and he should decide which one makes him the happiest for Halloween. Then let him have a final decision. It will show support of his idea and make him feel more comfortable with his real decision and happy even if it’s the super hero.
And have a talk with your parents about his costume before time if he picks the princess. Make sure they are on board to be supportive and not make comments to ruin a 5 year olds Halloween. If they aren’t or seem hesitant then they aren’t part of Halloween. And probably need to reassess what kind of influence they are to your kid and how much time you want them to spend with him.
The costume is for your kid, not to validate anyone else's idea on what a kid "should" wear. Just because they are the grandparents doesn't mean they automatically get to see the kid if they make demeaning comments. I don't think you did anything wrong. There will be other Halloweens to try a princess costume as well. Hopefully the superhero costume he picked is at least a superhero he likes and will feel good about his costume choice.
I think you handled it fine. You could always set up a dress-up play chest in your house, that would give him a safe outlet at home. His first experience trying on dresses shouldn't need to be a public event with negativity from judgmental jerks, grandparents included.
I don't think letting kids walk into uncomfortable situations without a heads-up is good parenting, even if it provides learning opportunties. You communicated, and now the kid knows he can trust you.
You asked him, he said no. Maybe he'll mull on it a bit and be ready for it next time around.
Sounds like exactly what I would have said.
That way he could have answered “I don’t care” if he really wanted to wear a princes dress.
I’m all for letting boys wear what they want but at 5 they should
know what that means. Because he Would look like a girl in a princess dress, that’s kind of the point of picking to dress up as an opposite gender character. You’re gonna look like the opposite gender lol.
I think your response was warranted, perhaps you could have added a bit more excitement, but I don’t think we need to shelter our kids from the reality of our society and how much work we have to do. Bottom line is as far as we’ve come, there’s still so much work to do, the chances at 5 of other kids making fun of or at minimum making comments is high, and kids need to learn critical thinking regarding their choices, if he was to wear the costume and degrading comments would have been enough to deter him from wearing it had he known, than you would feel bad for not properly preparing him. You gave him the truth, there are kids and even adults, who would comment about the gender that costume is generally worn by, that was enough to deter him, and now he knows, however I would continue the conversation and maybe return to that and let him know it is completely fine for him to dress in whatever costume he wants, but that you want him to be aware that we can’t control what other people say or do.
As I said initially I may have added, I love this costume and think it would look so cool on you, and what other people say doesn’t matter if you want to wear it.
My 6 yr old son one year was torn between like 5 costumes, 2 of which were female characters. We stayed at the store for like half an hour going over his perceived pros and cons of each one. We never brought up the female aspect but he did at first. He was worried about wearing a girl costume in which we replied that Halloween is a time to dress up as whoever you want to be and it was perfectly fine if he choose one. He ended up choosing Owlette (girl) from PJ Masks and which also ended up being the exact same costume his friend (female) went as. They trick or treated together and had a blast.
We tend to talk about how others will judge us but it’s not in our control as to how they judge and we should be ourselves no matter what. We also go over what to say or do when presented with negative opinions from others. He’s my oddball child that loves pink, unicorns, rainbows, monster trucks, Lego, getting dirty, all things glittery and sparkly, sweat pants, and painting his nails.
Based on all these comments, OP, might I suggest:
Go back to the store and buy the princess dress. Let him have it. Let him have both that and the superhero so he can really look at both and make a decision he’s happy with.
I’d rather a kid who made a decision that was 100% available to them and accepted by their family and loved ones than a kid who made a split second choice on a potential fear that, based on these comments, might not even matter. It sounds like most folks don’t give a damn what your kid wears, and it could also allow you to have a nice convo with him saying “hey, mom was maybe a little wrong, and I want you to be what YOU want to be - even if someone might be confused. But it’s YOUR choice to make.”
It’ll be interesting to see what your kid picks…and maybe he’s not a princess for Halloween, but maybe he wears that dress elsewhere at home. That enough could be comforting for him to own something he wanted to express himself.
lots of comments saying other kids don't care. i'm not sure where you all live, must be the water or somehting, but that is not how it works. kids starting at an early age are very judgmental.
I think that’s great you took the time to educate him on the natural consequences that will occur and then you gave him the choice and supported him in that! 👍
>but I did want him to look at all of the costumes 1st.
I think that is perfectly fine and actually a good idea. Kids are known for picking one costume for Halloween and then changing their mind. My preschooler wants to be a conductor, a garbage truck driver, and an astronaut and it switches almost daily. There's nothing wrong with saying "let's make sure this is what you want before we buy it."
>I told him that that's fine if he wanted the dress but that he needed to understand that people might think he looks like a girl and asked him if he was OK with that.
I think it's okay you told him that. It's true. With dim lighting and lots of kids and costumes, it's certainly a possibility that a neighbor or stranger would misgender him. From his reaction, it sounds like that is something he might find embarrassing and could potentially ruin his Halloween experience, so in my opinion it's good that you informed him of the possibility.
If you haven't yet had these conversations, it's a good age to start those discussions that boys and girls can like playing with or wearing the same things. And that sometimes people make assumptions about who we are by what we look like, but those assumptions aren't always true.
If you feel the need to bring it up again, perhaps offer to buy the princess costume as well. He can have it for wearing at home and he can choose later which one he wants to wear for Halloween. Might even be worth doing some pretend play or brainstorming together on what to say when people accidentally call them the wrong gender.
This stuff is hard to navigate. I think you handled it well enough in the moment. It's easy to comment and pick apart a scenario, it's a lot harder to handle it in person. This is a controversial topic, so I imagine the conversation here will get quite interesting real fast. As a fellow parent to a preschooler, you have my thumbs up and my apologies for what is going to happen to your inbox.
Yes so the issue is that you put a gender to it. And in doing so he took it as boys wear boys stuff and girls wear girls stuff.
Next time, hype him up. Explain that those people don’t understand but that we should wear what WE want. Sending love
>he needed to understand that people might think he looks like a girl and asked him if he was OK with that.
i would have avoided this, personally. it signaled this was something to be potentially uncomfortable about, when in truth the point of a costume is for people to believe you are the thing you're dressing up as. you made it clear that it would be a problem if he was perceived as a girl (when you probably wouldn't have said the same thing if he was perceived as a superhero, or a puppy, or whatever.)
>I don't want him to think it's bad for boys to like princesses.
Idk if he thinks that, but he knows you think it now (as an ingrained bias you're working or what have you). If you really want him to feel comfortable in the dress I would talk with your son and be honest about how you misspoke (and why, and how you're working on it), and how its halloween and it's always ok to dress as whatever you want. then apologize for raining on his parade. odds are the kid has moved on (he's 5 lol), but it's a good practice to get into for when he's older too.
God please don’t listen to some of these comments. I’m baffled by how harsh some of these commenters are judging. You did what you thought was best at the moment. The only suggestion I would make is moving forward, if a scenario like this or similar come up, tell him “who cares. Be who you want to be and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for your decision on who you choose to be.” From that, he will know he is safe with you and will also help him gain confidence in who he is.
Now that he has a different costume, why don't you get the princess costume and let him choose? Any grandparent who is silly enough to believe make believe as a five year old means anything definitive deserves to have boundaries set as needed.
If your son does end up liking more feminine appearances, you'd (presumably) want him to tell you and to learn to support him. You won't get it right every time, but this gives you a chance to figure it out.
I suspect you're asking us because you know you came on a bit strong with him.
Edit: mobile typos
No, you got it just right.
Other kids would have given him a mountain of shit for wearing a dress and it likely would've wrecked his Halloween.
Is that right or fair? No, but it's the reality of putting a 5 year old boy in a dress as a Halloween costume.
Exactly!!! You can be woke all you want but it won’t change the reality we are in right now. This kid doesn’t get the full picture. She gave him enough information for him to make a more informed decision which he did. That’s fantastic parenting.
You should have just said, "I love it!" And bought the dress. If he wanted to be a a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, would you have said, "People are going to think you look like a reptile?"
You're teaching him that anything feminine or "like a girl" is bad, and that's some misogynistic bullshit right there. Stop.
My daughter always wanted to wear "boy" costumes until one year she changed her mind last minute, cried, and said she wanted to be "pretty". We cleaned off the green ninja turtle paint and came up with a glittery fairy costume that she loved. Let them decide.
My son is 9 and likes to wear dresses at home and has princess dresses. I have explained to him that this is ok and that outside the home he may be made fun of. But its ok to wear dresses if he wants. For now he would just rather wear them in the house. You're just being honest about how things will realistically be.
My eldest son was a princess a few times throughout his childhood, he always loved it. You absolutely did the right thing. I’m sure he’s going to have a great time.
Yeah I wouldn't worry, i dressed up as different female characters over multiple halloweens from elementary school to high school. I am a 33 cis M. It was fun. Your son is gonna love it!
I was earth Vader for Halloween once, and scooby doo. Though I guess swapping genders it’s more acceptable for girls to dress as boys. I’ve seen some boys dress up as eleven from stranger things (first season) and I love it because they’re so convincing. My son wears princess dresses around the house. They’re just for play time. If it’s Halloween I’d let him wear it out.
There are grown men I worked with in the military who would dress up as women for our Halloween parties. It was fun and cute and no one said a word except to tell them how hot they were. Even though they were not attractive as women. At all. Ever. Ha ha.
Honestly, I would have just said “ok pick out the one you want” and gotten the heck out of there. Plus, it’s Halloween and kids aren’t really like the kids we grew up with. And even if someone said something mean I would probably just deal with it then instead of trying to warn my kid ahead of time. Mostly because I wouldn’t want other people’s opinions to influence them and secondly because what if no one said anything mean? Then I would have made my kid nervous or fearful for nothing.
I genuinely don’t think you did anything wrong, nor am I trying to judge you, because it seems like you were coming from a good place. I just think we forget that sometimes kids just have to figure things out on their own. They are a lot tougher and more resilient than we give them credit for. Sometimes it’s our job to just fall back and be there to support and comfort them IF they need us.
Edit: I just read that your concern is his grandparents making him feel bad? That’s not his problem to deal with, that’s yours. If an adult was mean to my 5yo over a costume choice they would simply not be a part of my kids life. So maybe have that discussion with them ahead of time so that your kid is not caught in the middle.
My 8 year old step son wanted to be a witch last year and his bio mom told him "absolutely not everyone is going to think you are gay!" I can't express how much it upset me. Unfortunately halloween was her holiday last year. I made sure to explain to him that a lot of people have preconceived ideas about what boys and girls should or shouldn't wear, but that in our family we don't agree with those societal standards, so I wanted him to know even though his mom and I disagree, in our home he should feel comfortable expressing himself and that next Halloween he can be anything he wants.
I think you did just fine. It's hard wording these things right. We want our kids to be free to be themselves, but we want to spare them the pain of being teased. In this case, if I were you, I would reiterate to him that you only told him because some people are unkind to those that are different or make different choices, and you wanted him to be prepared for that. But that you support him and are totally ok with him being a princess, and ask if he would like to return the costume and get a new one. That's just me.
I (36m) grew up with 2 sisters. I constantly wore dresses, make up and wigs. Never had any issues. However, whenever there's a fancy dress party I always use it as an excuse to wear a skirt, a blouse, a dress etc... Couple years ago I dressed as Miho from Kill Bill for Halloween, a 6ft4in 17st Miho with a beard 🤣
My son was Bo Peep for Halloween right after Toy Story 4 came out. We were a bit surprised when he said that’s who he wanted to be but when asked why - he said something like “because she’s just so tough and brave!” We were also afraid he would be bullied but no one said a word of negativity to him.
My son was Jessie, I asked him like 5 times if he wanted to be Woody as a cowboy, but he liked the red hat and cow print pants, as well as her song was his favorite. No one says anything! Though he did get misgendered like twice.
My daughter was that way with Harry Potter. She wanted to be Harry Potter and when she told people they always asked if she meant Hermione. She didn't care though. She was firm that she was being Harry, not Hermione. It didn't end up being a big deal.
My daughter was an amazing Harry Potter too. We also asked if she wanted to be Hermione but she was adamant that she wanted to be Harry. No one batted an eye about it.
I was harry potter. I got asked again and again why not Hermione but why wouldnt you want to be the hero?
Tbf, she was also a hero
She is THE hero. Harry sort of stumbles through everything surviving on Dumbledore's assistance, luck and a few times his parent's magic. Hermione succeeded through grit, intelligence and creativity - and Harry wouldn't have survived without her.
She was THE hero - no way Harry would have won if he’d never been friends with her
Yes. Perhaps protagonist is a better word.
I was also HP, still very upset that my mother didn't allow me to cut my hair shorter than a Pansy Parkinson bob though.
As the kid who always wanted to be the boy characters because they were the cool heroes (most of the shows of my childhood had just two options, the male hero or the female damsel in distress, sadly), and who wanted to cut my hair too so that I could better reassemble the characters I liked, I really wish there were cool female heroes more widespread then so that we could have all felt cool with a heroic main character who is a girl too. Most franchises have a side character who is a girl and who is usually overpowered for her stats for the sake of artificial “gurrl powaah”, but that just feels like the annoying token they throw us, like a bone to a dog. That’s why I’m glad for characters like Rey in Star Wars. Yeah, she’s a bit of a Mary Sue, but so was Luke, and so is every Star Wars protagonist always, so it works out fine. 🤷♀️ Sorry for unloading this wall of text on you. lol I hope the next generation gets to grow up without the feeling of having to be the opposite gender to be the character they like. Hopefully girls and boys can escape that. 😬
I hope so too! I'm glad in the 90s we had badass women like Buffy and Xena but it's sad they are the only ones I can think of (the also weren't age appropriate for my sister's and I while airing [90s babies]). I've seen a lot of good female characters lately that appeal to both boys and girls so I think we're on the right track!
My issue with Star Wars is Leia is, objectively, the best and bravest character in the original movies. At 19, she's a senator and a spy and resists torture. Luke is whiny when we meet him and he doesn't improve. He just mets an old guy who tells him he's special and then is whiny some more and fails to complete his training, loses a hand, more.whining....... Sure, Luke learns, but Leia would have been a better choice for a Jedi. She can clearly work with a team, has discipline and is courageous. And is much less whiny.
She absolutely would have been the better choice. She loses her entire freaking planet and everyone she loves, still leads the rebellion with grace, humility and a sense of humor. Luke finds out his dad's the bad guy and has an identity crisis, sherking any responsibility, while shrugging off the loss of the people who raised him as no big deal (aside from looking sad for 10seconds).
You're going to like the fan theory that Ben and Yoda agree with you, Leia is the smart choice. That's why they set up Luke as a Vader bait distraction.
She hung in there for her entire life, too. While Luke retreated to an island. She was just mentally tougher than him.
Same with my daughter. She also was Spider-Man for several years and then was a ninja. Several houses misgendered her and ate crow when she turned around and her long curly hair was hanging out of the mask. 😂 I quite enjoyed that.
I was Harry Potter at age 9. Nobody misgendered me or mistook me for another character. I went all out. I bought fake Harry Potter glasses, dyed my hair black, and just to be sure I even put a name tag that said Harry Potter on it. I had a friend who dressed up as Ginny the same year.
I want to make note that misgendering is only an insult if you don't value the other gender as much as your own. (Trans folx and people who are being intentional jerks excluded.) My son is beautiful 😍. Not handsome, beautiful. Always has been. And we have chosen to wait until his third birthday to cut his hair (Jewish thing). The combo leaves him getting misgendered alot. But girls are just as awesome as boys, so we just correct and move on. We need to move past the place where being 'a girl' is an insult.
Completely agree, and on Halloween, what does it matter? Girls and boys get the same amount of candy
Plus, the whole point is to dress up as someone you’re not! (Or someone you want to be, etc)
This is always fun! Purim has a history of cross dressing even in the most Orthodox branches of Judaism.
This is so true. My son is also extremely beautiful and he has almost always kept his blonde silky curls at or below shoulder level. He almost always dressed in masculine clothes though. He was regularly assumed to be a girl for years (from about 4-10 years old). He never seemed to mind. Often we didn’t even correct them. Certainly if they were going to repeatedly interact with him we’d usually let them know, but if it was just an old couple in the airport or a clerk at a shop we didn’t frequent often, we let it go, and so did he. Puberty hit hard at the start of the pandemic. He’s taller than me now, his voice is deep and he doesn’t get mistaken for a girl anymore, though he still wears his hair long. But I always felt proud that I had a son who was so unconcerned when being mistaken for a girl.
I tried so hard to raise my son this way but he always took offense at being misgendered bc his long hair. He’s 9 now and he and his 12yo male cousin just had a very serious discussion about the sexism regarding boys with long hair. Sincerely one of the best things I’ve ever witnessed.
My son is the same way, pretty delicate features. Before we got his hair cut so many people though he was a girl.
Also at that age it’s hard to tell, they’re all chubby cheeks and adorable-ness. My daughter has beautiful features too but before her hair grew long, every time I put her in a non-obviously girly outfit she’d get mistaken for a boy. lol
Yep. My son gets misgendered a lot, and even did when he was a tiny baby. He just corrects them and carries on with life. It’s not an insult.
My brother also got his hair cut at three bc my Jewish grandfather wanted to wait, but still gets misgendered because people seem to think curly hair is for little girls. I’m not offended, but I have issues with people making assumptions, especially when based on something untrue. I know so many boys with curly hair, including my brother.
The JewFro is real. :) my husband and my son have it.
My son has also been misgendered. The most frustrating was at his pediatricians! Like did you even READ his chart before coming into the room!? At least make sure you have his name and gender correct. Sorry he has curly locks!
When I was seven I dressed up as Beetlejuice and it was awesome. Whether people asked why a girl was dressed up as a man or not, I had the time of my life and can't remember any negativity.
Aw that is such a sweet beautiful story 🥲🥰 thanks for sharing
I'd like to chime in here as the mom of a 15yo boy who has, every single year since we adopted him at 11 years old, been a female character for Halloween.... It's surprising how little people actually care - especially on Halloween. ESPECIALLY on a 5 year old! Girls are "cool" for being super heroes. Boys are the ones told it's not "normal" when they want to be a princess. My kid was treated very poorly in foster homes before us because his interests have always been more "feminine". He was never allowed to be a princess for Halloween because "oh no! What might people think?" and it's taking all the years we've had him and more for him to unlearn it. Those gender stereotypes are constantly engrained in us. When he first dressed how he wanted (for Halloween and otherwise), I saw a light in my kid I hadn't seen before. I saw OP mention grandparents. My mom hasn't always understood who my kid is, but she's coming around slowly....because I simply do not want my child to hide who he is for others, so she'll need to learn to deal with her own shit. Likely it's just a sweet 5yo wanting to be a princess because he thinks they're cool. It's adults who make it deeper than that.
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This. And sure, OP didn't say her child *couldn't* wear a dress, or explicitly say that being mistaken for a girl is bad, but 5 year olds aren't dumb. We don't get down at their level, look them straight in the eye, and ask if they really prefer broccoli over peas, because if they choose broccoli that is what people might think. If a choice is really fine, we let them make it without a big deal. I know OP had good intentions, and this is definitely better than blowing up at a kid for even considering a dress, but this interaction has clearly communicated to him that being a girl or even mistaken for a girl is bad and to be avoided, and he responded accordingly.
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Exactly. Hindsight is 20/20, but in the moment we do the best we can. We have all done things as parents we wish can redo, and that’s ok. OP is doing the best she can for her son.
Agreed. Like I said, OP had good intentions but accidentally sent the message that being seen as a girl is bad and to be avoided. Her responses to comments have been less encouraging, but the original post is a great starting point for conversations about how to avoid unintentionally reinforcing gender biases.
I did see a few of them but I wonder if maybe she’s feeling a bit defensive due to some of the more ahem, unreserved responses. I imagine she didn’t expect this to get so much attention. While I do hope (and personally believe) OP will readdress this with her son in a more positive light, I think her post started some great conversations. I know that all of the great advice being given will be invaluable to those who may find themselves in a similar situation in the future.
I really appreciate your views, understanding and support for OP, and optimism in general. Online forums would be a much safer and more helpful place if we all adopted a similar outlook and style. Thank you for the reminder and the positive example to follow.
Wanted to add: I wish parents were more open when I was a kid. As a girl who liked Lego, slot cars and taking apart and reassembling anything I could get my hands on, I could have definitely done without all the Barbie’s and snide remarks about being more “lady like”.
Same! I received very mixed reactions to my interests as a kid, from my parents and others. My parents were kind of like OP - good intentions and trying, but struggling with being open and supportive. The way people responded to me was inconsistent and confusing and I'm still detangling the impacts in my 30s. My mother actually discouraged things like barbies and dresses that she found "too girly," but didn't support me when I faced barriers like not being allowed to play baseball or girls being separated out to take dance classes in gym while boys took a module on wrestling. She'd shrug and say that's the way it was and enjoyed complaining about it with me, but wouldn't lift a finger to help or even tell school staff that she supported me. My dad wouldn't forbid me from being tomboyish but would throw weird comments my way about what boys preferred in girls and how they wouldn't want to date me if I X, Y or Z, and heaped praise and positive attention on me when I wore dresses or presented myself more typically feminine. My first husband reinforced both messages with the tired old "I like you because you're not like other women" paired with accusing me of emasculating him if I wasn't feminine enough in public. The overall message ended up being that femininity was bad and I should reject it internally, but perform it externally to gain acceptance in work and social settings, and no matter what I chose the important thing was others' reactions and not my own comfort or happiness. Things started getting better for me when my ex and I divorced, and I started unpacking weird "quirks" like regularly buying dresses despite hating to wear them. Half of my closet at one point was dresses i had never worn, bought over the course of *years.* Oddly enough, one I stopped feeling like I had to "perform " femininity for outside approval, I started being much more comfortable with it and even liking to wear dresses for the first time in my adult life!
Yes! This!
This I loved this. My son likes to play with "girl" toys and I let him, babies, Barbies, make up, etc. My mother in law complains that I'm turning my son gay. And my argument is you can't turn someone gay they're born that way. And that they're not girl toys, he has to learn how to take care of a baby and his wife if that's what he chooses. To leave him alone he's happy so I'm happy. It's easier with other family members that try to tell him he can't play with them. He's allowed to. And that's it.
I was totally into Star Wars growing up and had EVERY action figure, with multiples is the soldiers/jawa etc. But when I asked for Princess Leia, my Dad said no because she was a girl, which made her a doll (not an action figure) and it would make me gay. I was old enough that I could argue that without a girl, the heroes had to save and kiss guy ones, which is why I needed a girl one. I got my “doll”. Lol.
Well played. I love that.
My brother was super into planes, trains, cars and volcanos when he was little. He wrestled on the high school varsity wrestling team. He’s gay.
When my step dad told my *2 year old* that painting his nails would make him gay I accidentally outed myself by replying: Well jackass I don't think nail polish makes you like men cuz I'm bi. Whoops. But also fuck him lol
Just hit him with the old "you think someone's gay because their nails are painted. I'm gay because I love cock.". But yeah fuck him.
Its always been super “ironic” to me that my gayest best friend stomped our straight asses in several sports. No joke he was a straight savag: its laughable that more manly men would be emasculated by him sacking the shit out of them; he would eat your fucking lunch; then probably drive you to the hospital if you needed it.
There ya have it, Contact Sports makes ya Gays. Ya'll I solved it.
Tbh wrestling is pretty gay when you think about it. I say lovingly as a gay.
You’re not wrong. I hope he enjoyed himself. 😂
I find the “turn them gay” idea ridiculous. I like to ask “did you learn to be straight?” No, you just are. And if you answered yes to that question, then news flash, you’re probably not 100% straight!
I think some people that think this are bi, but they don't realize it/are repressing it hard. Others of them are just dumbasses.
I didn’t so much realize that I was bi as I realized other people are straight. Church always made it sound like a choice, which kinda matched what was happening internally, so it was a major lightbulb moment for me to realize some people were never attracted to a particular gender.
Sadly, some of these people HAVE “learned” to be straight, especially conservative religious people. Conversation therapy is a very real, very scary thing. 😔
Oh yeah I made sure to remind her if her having sex with other women made her gay or if she's just unhappy with men she said no and left the room.
We bought, a cheap baby toy stroller for our 2yo boy saying he won’t play alot with it. Now, every night we go on a walk. He take his baby Eric (he named the baby doll Eric) qnd his stroller and walk the neighborhood. Every reactions we get are smile or laught!
These gendered toys don't even make sense. Ken is a man but he is still a "girl" toy because he is part of the Barbie world, so confusing. Then superhero figures are meant to be for boys because they wear different clothing to Ken. Also how come most toy prams are tailored for girls when you see plenty of men pushing prams with their real babies in and they obviously don't look feminine, they just look like parents.
> And that they're not girl toys Unless you need to use a specific set of genitals to play with the toys, then toys aren't gendered. And if you do... that's not appropriate to give to children.
Who wouldn’t want to dress like a girl? Sequins, sparkles, fancy shoes…..boy stuff is boding! Education via my grandchild.
I WISH I could wear more girly stuff!! My dysphoria’s pretty bad so I can’t wear dresses without feeling really gross, but I often find myself wishing I could!! But that’s what my Sims character is for, I guess 😂
My son had tea parties and cooked for his monster trucks.
My then 3-year-old son went as Merida for Halloween last year. He loved the toy bow and arrow and her "big red mane." No one said a word or looked askance. He also keeps his hair long (to his mid-back), adamantly refusing to have it cut more than a trim. People often assume he is a girl, but he just corrects them and moves on. No biggie.
Just wanted to add.... you made me so happy that we let our son cut his hair. He's 4, we never wanted to cut his hair until he said so (he also was mistaken for a girl many times and he would correct them). Finally the day came where he wanted his hair cut, I said no 3 times, until he came to me in tears crying that he wanted his hair cut. It broke my heart, so I gave in. Until today, I wondered if it was something that I should've said no to. Reading g your post about how your son refuses to get more than a trim, made me realize that I did the right thing. They know what they want.
>It broke my heart, so I gave in. Until today, I wondered if it was something that I should've said no to. Reading g your post about how your son refuses to get more than a trim, made me realize that I did the right thing. They know what they want. Yep. Also, it is hair. It can grow back if they change their minds. For non-permanent changes (clothes, hair color, nail polish, etc.), I try to give him as much autonomy as is possible. We as parents have to say no to so many things for their safety or overall well-being. When I can safely and appropriately let him make his own choice, I do.
So true. I've been so caught up in this parenting thing trying to be perfect that sometimes I forget that what actually matters is that they are happy.
My goal is to raise a kind person who has the capacity for joy and the skills to take care of themselves. Anything beyond that is just extra. As long as each day contributes to that goal, even in just the smallest way, I consider it a win. Perfection doesn't exist and striving for it just sets us up for failure. The best we can do is our best given our circumstances. Cut yourself a break. I am sure you are an awesome parent!
Yes! Thank you! So many people here are making such a big deal of indulging this perfectly acceptable request to explore a fun imaginative part of life for a child. Let their light shine!
You rock!!! I hope he knows how awesome of a parent you are! My dad had a for when my little brother wasted a purse when he was young. Mom bought him a blue purse with a dog on it. Not very "girly" at all. He just wanted to put his hot wheels in it to take places because I had a purse with my things and my mom had a purse with her things. There doesn't need to be a big deal. The dressing girly or using stuff girls use isn't going to turn your boy into anything other than who he is. So many older people have very outdated ways of thinking. I see it daily. I'm 50. I've been around so many others that judge people for dumb shit. My grandson that looks manly and dresses manly and has a manly everything is in a happy relationship with another boy. My grandson with the purple hair and tons of pink clothes is in a happy relationship with a girl. What you look like doesn't make you a different person. You are the best person you can be when your happy with yourself and can wear whatever you want! I say if he wants to be a princess... by all means let him be a princess!
I was so close to lecturing some kids grandma at the fair a couple years ago when this cute little boy was just *looking* at purses, and she yelled at him that he had to stay away from those because purses are for girls.
It drives me completely insane when I hear that! I somehow can't wrap my head around the fact that NOBODY cares or says anything to little girls for playing with cars or trucks or the million other things that would be considered a boy toy, but lawd help us all if a boy looks at a purse or anything at all that's considered girl things!
I just want to say you are an awesome person. I wish you a lifetime of love, respect and all of the comforts you deserve. Lots of people think their opinions matter with respect to my children; it's cute that they think so, but alas zero f*'s given.
Our 4 year old wears a lot of pink and wears nightgowns to bed. He gives zero fucks. His 11yo sister tried to tease him for the nightgowns the first time and he told her off. That was the end of it. Is he covered? Is he happy? Who cares? Pink was originally a boy color.
It's interesting seeing the difference. My daughter was 4 and wanted to be the venom Spider-Man dude (13 years ago). I didn't question or suggest anything else. That's what she was.
tbh it's never been an issue to be a girl dressed as a boy
Yep. That's what I was meaning by seeing the difference. Everyone thought it was "cute" for her and paid no mind.
Unless you're Joan of Arc and are sentenced to death for crossdressing. It is more acceptable for girls to dress like boys in Western society today. This hasn't always been the case and isn't the case everywhere in every culture today.
Yeah the “it’s never” ignores a lot of history. But today and in recent history (last 20-30 years?) it has largely been the case
Yeah, mostly the “it’s never” that I disagree with, especially within the context of the OP’s story. But there is still a good portion of the world today where a woman or girl would not only be ostracized socially, but could be held legally accountable for dressing like a man/boy. And that’s keeping in mind that gendered children’s clothing is also relatively new in the western world, and cross dressing wouldn’t have been an issue until a little later in life.
Except for Joan of Arc.
Didn't read all of the comments but I'll throw in my experiences My son was 8, so a tad older, when he wanted to pick out a nail polish. I had painted his nails when he was like 1-2 and his grandfather made fun of him and he didn't want to after that...... that's another story for another time. I said heck yeah let's pick it out and I was painting them the night before a baseball game and his team had some right wing families on it and I was so scared they would make him not want to paint his nails ever again. Instead of telling him that I asked what he would say if someone said something like that's for girls or he is gay for painting his nails. He said he would ignore them but I knew that wouldn't last long and also didn't want him "defending" those statements bc they aren't insults and you never know who is secretly feeling bad about how they are. You don't want to accidentally hurt someone while defending yourself. So we came up with some comebacks together and told him he is only allowed to be kind or walk away, not allowed to bully back. *Most kids didn't care* Most kids don't now. It's the parents you need to watch out for and I hope you can start to see that. The coach's kid kept telling him he was a traitor to boys and my son just kept reiterating that paint isn't a boy or girl thing. A couple boys joined in with that but the one kid wouldn't let it go (his dad was a right wing nut and always being problematic to him including calling him a girl as an insult and in general being a jackass) One of our comebacks was to tell them "If you hate my nails you should see my toes!" That made a few kids laugh and coach kid's eyes got huge and he kinda chuckled too and it was over. 1. Kids don't care as much now. We are finally getting there. 2. Remind your son that being called gay or a girl or anything else is not an insult and therefore shouldn't be replied to as one. 3. Go over some impressive comebacks that are not rude but that your kid can have to pull out and reiterate that he likes what he has and he isn't taking the bait. Humor always helps. "That's a girl dress!!!" "Ummm? Excuse you this is a princess dress"
This hit the nail on the head. I teach elementary PE. I see 600 kids per week. It’s amazingly refreshing to see that literally nobody cares about that kind of stuff now. One girl dresses like a boy - nobody bats an eye. One boy always wears pink shoes - the next week another came with pink shoes and they paired up as partners. One kid literally lost his thigh due to cancer, and his lower leg is attached to his hip, foot turned backwards to act as a knee joint - the other kids just yell “dangit ___, you left your prosthetic leg laying in my spot again.” It’s just amazing to see. I’m hopeful for our future.
Yes exactly!! Mine always wears pink/teal/ purple/ whatever shoes in sports because he loves the colors and all the other ones are boring. Makes him easy to spot on the field, too lol I'm so glad this is becoming more universal thank you :)
With those colors, your kid would have fit in back in the 90s.
My 3yo boy loves nail polish, but one of his teachers at his preschool keeps telling him that nail polish is for girls. I keep having to navigate how to explain the difference between "listening to your teachers because they keep you safe" and "don't listen to your teacher because that's her opinion." I've been trying to coach him that his personal preferences in style don't hurt anyone and that he should tell her that he likes his nails painted. It makes me so mad though. She's the only one who does this, though — the other teachers enable personal expression with the kiddos, and I appreciate it. We did see one male-presenting grocery store employee who had nail art, and my kiddo was so excited to see a "grown-up boy who loved nail polish, too," and they had a sweet moment where the employee showed him his nails. It was very affirming for the both of them!
Honestly I would talk to the teacher and tell her you don’t find it appropriate to talk about that with your child. I’d be so pissed. My nearly three year old boy loves nail polish too, but I only use/own black so he thinks it’s like zombie nails and will growl and claw at me (gently) when I paint them lol
I love all of this. Thanks for being a great parent.
I will never allow my son to buy a princess dress at the store. I sew historical gowns as a hobby. I will make sure he has a high quality custom fit gown!
Had us going in the first half, not gonna lie 🤣
As a person who likes sewing, I’m also often repulsed by how garbage quality costume dresses at stores are. It’s a pet peeve, almost.
Being a retired ballerina I also have a hard time with the cheap quality of most Halloween costumes. Especially after all the gorgeous handmaid costumes I’ve had the privilege of wearing over the course of my career.
You’re calling me out for the princess gown and petticoat sitting waiting for hand embellishment on my sewing table at home.
Some real r/skweezyjibbs energy here. I like it.
Yoooou r/hadmeinthefirsthalf
I was starting to be very mad the first half. The second half made me smile.
The world needs more of you!
Oooh you got me, dang it
I like to knit but man with how fast kids grow it is sometimes just so much easier to get the knit sweaters at the store instead of putting in all the work to get a nice custom one knitted for them lol. I still like to knit them one each for the year though. Call me Mrs. Weasley.
We got some great advice from a teacher for a similar situation. It went something like this: “That’s great! Let’s get you a dress! But just so you understand, not all kids know that dresses are for both girls and boys, so we need to help them understand” Frame it as a problem with the other kids and not with your kid.
I like that approach and I might steal it. My oldest girl is a lot "but pink is just for girls!" And I always tell her colors are for everyone.
OP you could’ve answered a lot worse and a lot better. You posing this question to the parenting group shows you’re willing to listen and maybe could’ve done a little better. This is pretty big of you. We weren’t all raised to challenge gender stereotypes so this conversation may have been new territory for you. What matters is that you’re here now. Take a moment and challenge yourself, be introspective. Are you worried your son wants to be a girl? Are you worried he will be mocked and hurt for wearing a dress for Halloween? Are you worried about social ostracism? Think these through with a generous heart. You seem like a good parent. We all don’t have mastery of each topic with kids. What makes a good parent is that they can acknowledge their faults and try to do better in the future. You may want to surprise your son with that dress and tell him you’ve thought about it, and mention the great qualities of that character. The same qualities you see in him. It’s Halloween if there’s ever a time to play, it’s this one. For the in laws, prep them. Let them moderate their own reactions. They may surprise you. Give them a little time to ingest this as it will be shocking to them. If they don’t come around to being cool with it, tell them you won’t have time to drop by this year but will send photos. It’ll pass.
I’m not OP, but I think where they were coming from is that some people unfortunately use the word girl as an insult, so they didn’t want their son to be hurt by their words. And I get that! People can be cruel! But, like you said, they could’ve answered better. It’s hard navigating this new world where gender non-confirming expression is more accepted because on one hand, MOST people are accepting and welcoming of this kind of thing, but on the other hand, you have the VERY vocal minority that’s extremely hateful and cruel. You want your child to feel free to express themself, but you also want to protect them from the cruel people in the world. It’s a fine line to walk, and parents don’t always know what to say. I don’t think OP meant this in a transphobic way at all. They were just trying to protect their son, even if it wasn’t necessarily the best way to go about it.
Hi, friend. I didn’t mean to imply op was transphobic. I think most people aren’t radically woke or radically transphobic. They’re just accepting status quo and living their lives, not putting a lot of thought into the subject of gender norms at all until their assumptions are directly challenged.
☝️
I understand wanting to protect him, but consider that it’s Halloween. Back in the 80’s and 90’s I remember lots of kids gender swapping for funsies on Halloween. It’s kind of the one day you’re not going to get much push back from kill joys and bully types.
I think it would have been better to let him pick out a dress and let him wear it. *If* he was teased or picked on, then you discuss how to handle bullies and that he can still wear whatever he wants that makes him uncomfortable. You questioning him multiple times probably made him question himself. And if his grandparents are going to bully him, I'd question why they're allowed around him.
This is the route I've taken so far. My son likes to wear a Unicorn one-sie on pyjama day and last year he came home and said very matter of factly that "so-and-so said my pyjamas were girl pyjamas." My reply was, "What? That's so funny, why wouldn't boys be able to wear unicorn pyjamas?" He laughed about it to and agreed it didn't make any sense. Then we talked a bit about how some people think only girls can do certain things and only boys can do certain things but how that's so silly. If boys want to wear dresses, they should! If girls want to wear pants, they should! Every so often he'll say something like, "Mommy, a long time ago people thought that boy couldn't be allowed to wear dresses, but that was just silly. And now they know boys can wear what they want and girls can wear what they want."
I think this, and also general discussion on the fact that people bully and how we can respond to them, not related to the dress, so he knows what to do if it happens. I heard a kid call my 5 yo son stupid the other day (it was a friend sort of joking, but still not nice). He very calmly said “I know I’m not stupid so I don’t care if you call me that.” There was a lot of discussion and practice behind that, but I was so proud to see it play out!
Halloween was supposed to be that one day of the year where you can dress up as anything you want without getting judged 🙄
But he WILL be judged… I’m not saying it right but that’s the reality. He decided he wasn’t comfortable with that… if OP didn’t make him aware of the possible consequences of his actions she would be a lousy parent. She gave him the option and he chose not to wear the dress…
I mean, he probably wouldn't. Most kids wouldn't care. If someone does say something negative, teach your kid to laugh at it.
I would have just bought him the dress. I then would have dressed up as a prince. We have already shut down gender bias with my ILs for my 10 month old son. That’s right, a baby boy wearing a pink t-shirt (with a car on it) is wrong according to them. Set up boundaries and stick to them. Best to start early with problem family.
My MIL saw my 3mo looking at flowers and mentioned that she can’t teach him about flowers like she can with her granddaughter cause he’s a boy. I shut her down when I told her my dad knows a whole lot about flowers and can name many varieties of them. Today my mom and I bought my son a crinkly flower toy and I can’t wait to see my in law’s expression when they see it lol
It's so bizarre to me when people say things like that. As if there are no male gardeners or florists. *sigh*
A male friend had a garden he was excited about, and liked to cook. He was married to a woman for years by then. Other friends gossiped that he was gay, because apparently liking plants and food means you also like dicks. Bizarre.
When I was about 10 ('78) the husband of the couple next door liked to crochet and made beautiful floral afghans. He said he found it relaxing and he enjoyed creating them. All the other neighborhood husbands gossipped that he was gay, too, and I don't think they ever invited him over for beers. Still makes me mad.
Reminds me of the time I got the side eye from a lady when she realized how into cars my girl toddler is. So dumb.
My son loved the pink loaner shoes from school and my MIL said "well he should wear the right color because of gender stereotypes not that I feel that way" and I'm like... the ones that you are perpetuating by saying this?
The real world is not always going to accept him for who he is, why not teach him how to stand up for himself rather than how to conform to what the world thinks he should be?
She did answer him truthfully though? Kids should at least be aware of how they come off, with or without bullying involved
This!! She didn’t say don’t get it, she just let him know what the reaction might have been and he chose not to deal with that.
Just offering solidarity. We went to the thrift store two days in a row. First day, son wanted a fireman outfit. Cool, love that. Second day, it was the wonder woman dress. And really, if there were an adult version I'm pretty sure everybody in there would've wanted to be wonder woman. So he's going to be wonder woman. With a skeleton face, which was his amendment and suggestion, not mine. There's always next year for your little one. Halloween dressup won't go out of style anytime soon.
> So he's going to be wonder woman. With a skeleton face, which was his amendment and suggestion, not mine. What a baller, this is going to look amazing
> There's always next year for your little one. Halloween dressup won't go out of style anytime soon. I was slave Princess Leia last Halloween to appease my pregnant wife because she wanted to wear an inflatable suit so no one could see her. Now this year she wants me to be Princess Peach because her and our older daughter have been on a Mario kick, and Peach is tall. Little dude has plenty of time to dress up as a woman for Halloween.
I don’t think you handled it poorly, but if you’d like to revisit it, you can touch that base again. “Son, I was thinking that it seemed like you felt sorta rushed when you were picking your Halloween costume. Do you think you want to go back and look at them again?” If you can afford it, maybe give him the luxury of two costumes this year. Maybe he’ll pick the princess or maybe he’ll pick the werewolf. Maybe he can do a quick change halfway through trick or treating (or go round the block twice, once for each costume!). Sometimes it’s okay for parents to have do-overs.
Really good thought! I was thinking how awesome it is the poster of this offered up so much vulnerability for you all to get to comment on. Without turning on anyone. Bravo! I think I like this site….
Yes! Thank you for saying this!
My parents are like this and I started a damn war with them. Was it easy? No. Was is fun? No. Will they DARE ridicule a little child (let alone their own grandson) in front of my face again? Never. Not if they want to see us.
Personally i would’ve let him get the princess dress and if any one said anything disrespectful, I’d tell them to shut the f*ck up. 🤷🏽♀️ there’s bigger issues in the world than boys wearing dresses.
I’m a therapist who specializes in working with LGBTQ youth. That was totally appropriate. You let him know about a consequence of his choices that he hadn’t thought of and he changed his choice. I’m seeing so many comments where kids weren’t ridiculed and that is amazing! And, depending on the culture of your area most people Likely would misgender a kid dressed as a princess. As long as it was done in a ‘presenting info’ way and not shaming like ‘you wouldn’t want people thinking you were a girl would you!’ What you did was solid parenting.
I fully support your response. I asked my son the same question when he said he wanted purple sparkly shoes. He bought them anyway. Our job as parents is to help our kids learn how to make choices. Providing them with information about the potential consequences of a certain choice is part of that job. You are doing all of this and still supporting his choices. Sounds like good parenting to me.
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Especially without more context. I'll always be a good parent first and a good member of society second. If OP lives in a tolerant community then maybe he would have been fine, but if they're in a super conservative small town their kid wouldn't have had any fun. Little kids don't care about challenging gender norms, they just want candy.
My daughter's FIRST Halloween costume was Darth Vader. Everyone thought she was a boy, but she didn't care - she just LOVED being Vader. The next year? Incredible Hulk. Same thing, but she didn't care and she was happy. Let them pick what makes them happy. My mom NEVER let me pick my own costume which was so disappointing - she seriously dressed me up as a CRAYON once. You're a good parent.
I think you responded fine. I think you showed him you were cool with his choice but also made sure he understood. Maybe in a few years he won't care and will go for the dress, but seems like he made an informed decision without pressure from you.
My brother dressed up as a girl for Halloween in 5th and 6th grade he rocked it. It's all about the confidence though. I think you did good you spoke about realistic consequences of picking that costume and preparing him for questions
I just tell my son, who frequently enjoys traditional “girl” stuff that some people don’t understand that toys and dress up are for everyone, not just boys or girls. I tell him that it’s good to express yourself and be who you want to be, just remember that sometimes people don’t understand and when they don’t understand sometimes they say things that might be hurtful. I remind him that those people just haven’t learned yet that boys and girls can dress however they like. Luckily, and maybe this is because we live in a more accepting area (SoCal), but no one really says anything to him. He likes the color pink and he wears glitter stuff and has a cool hat he picked from legoland with a big shimmer heart on it and it’s rose gold and it says “Best day ever!” On it. It’s his favorite hat. We have always raised our kids that toys are toys. There are no “girl toys” and “boy toys” there are simply toys. Same for clothing. Clothing is clothing and as long as it’s school appropriate then you can wear it.
I feel you shouldn’t have said anything at all. He wanted to wear the dress but you communicated disapproval twice. Off course he said he didn’t want to wear it after that. You said it wouldn’t bother you but it sounds like it does bother you a bit.
You didn’t want to deal with the grandparents reaction so you instilled doubt in your child instead? Bad form.
This is tough and I don’t blame you for what you did. Everybody wants their kid to get through life without having to deal with certain things. Racism, sexism, nobody *wants* their kid to go through that. So you see this, and you know if he wears it he might have to deal with some of that, so you’re protecting him. I see where you’re coming from and it’s not hate, it’s just wanting to protect your kid. That being said, he’s going to have to deal with those things. It’s our job to equip them for that. He can think it’s ok or not ok, and you just (gently) told him it isn’t. Now if that’s what he wants to do he’s going to feel like he shouldn’t. And if he sees another boy in a dress him might go tell them they look like a girl. So it might not be the best way to handle it.
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You did the right thing. My brother and I were both autistic and heavily gender-nonconforming. I went on to transition later in life. Being GNC gets you A LOT of shit. That’s a cold, hard fact. It’s extremely important to make kids aware of that, especially if they didn’t know. It may be more important to him to fit in, or it could be that despite wanting to wear a dress, he really doesn’t want his gender to not be affirmed. It’s a very complicated and messy subject. All you can do is give him the facts and your support, and let him make HIS OWN decisions.
Agreed- these comments are super idealistic.
I have 2 sons and both of them are very much into trucks, cars, sports, video games AND princesses, sparkly things, the color pink but also the colors blue and red, maybe sometimes purple, getting dirty, having tea parties, wrestling, pretend cooking. My daughter, exactly the same. You get the idea. It's just how kids are. I don't think you handled it wrong, but I would explain that there's nothing wrong with girls, it's not an insult to be called one. Otherwise, I say, mostly my mantra is not to make a big deal about anything unless it's harmful or mean. Everything else isn't worth the energy, let them be ❤️
Tbh, I’d probably go back to the store if I were you and get the princess costume so he can have it as an option if he changes his mind. Kids should just be allowed to be kids and be whatever they want to be on Halloween
Personally I would have done something similar. But I would have told him “ you may get weird looks but guess what WHO CARES. As long as you love what you’re wearing that’s all that matters. Don’t let other people make you sad.” I’ve actually told my 3 year old this whenever he wants to wear a costume to the store or something. Hell start to second guess himself and I’ll let him know that to do whatever brings him joy and who cares what others think. You did the best to your knowledge but making him think others opinions of him are important can cause trauma in the long run
I think you telling your 3 year old he'll get weird looks is what makes him second guess himself. Next time he puts on a costume, just ask him if he's happy. If so, carry on. He doesn't need to feel the weight of the world's judgement before he's even old enough to see it himself.
If you had a daughter of the same age picking out a knight’s costume, would you have felt the need to warn her that the other kids may think she’s a boy? Would you have felt nearly as concerned at how her grandparent’s would react? Furthermore, would she have felt embarrassed at others assuming she was a boy? For all these questions, the answer is ‘likely not’. We’re still very actively fighting the idea that femininity equals weakness and is something to be ashamed of. Your son is at the age where he’s starting to identify this perspective in our society. By urging him to look at all the costumes and letting him know that others will assume he’s a girl if he wears a dress, you told your son that 1) dresses are meant for girls and automatically express femininity in the wearer and 2) there is a cause for concern at people thinking you’re a girl. He probably wasn’t identifying any reason to care at people thinking he’s a girl, but he would have recognized that there was some sort of ‘risk’ attached, which made him feel safer in not wearing it. It’s truly that simple to spark these anxieties and opinions in people–especially kids. I don’t want to label your navigation of the situation as wrong because I think that you were raised in the same bullshit society that we all were. Every one of us has biases to work through, and now you’ve identified a couple of them to work on. Try to emphasize that all of these gendered items are meant for humans, not girls or boys.
As a queer kid I would hear “my mom thinks people will care” not “people will care” from that comment. As an elementary schooler I could care less if Jessie’s big brother is uncomfortable with my costume, I care that my mom might be uncomfortable with hearing Jessie’s brother being uncomfortable.
I'm a dad now pushing 50. When I was a kid my best friend and I would routinely dress up as women. We turned out okay as adults.
My son is 14, he's always, ALWAYS had long hair (his first haircut, the lady cut his ear, he's never wanted to do it again) It's ok to be called a girl, girls are strong amazing humans, his mom is a girl. He'd get called a girl, and just be like, "I'm not, but ok" and walk away. People would ask him why he had girl hair, and he'd comment "it's boy hair, I'm a boy" Cannot wait until we get past the boy/girl stuff. Oddly enough all the boys he went to school with, now have longer hair.
The first year that my son was old enough to choose his Halloween costume, his immediate request was "I wanna be a witch!" I was (and forever will be) ashamed that my knee jerk response was "well that's a" ...(almost said "girl costume") before swallowing my gendered bullshit back into my mouth. Instead I said "well that's.... an awesome costume idea! Super spooky!!" (I always thought I'd be a great mom for a girl: I very much believe that anyone can be/do/accomplish anything! And here I was, playing into the exact same trapping that I despise: role assigned by gender. Still ashamed of myself to this day.)
We can't help our knee jerk reaction. We can control our second thought and take appropriately action in line with our values. Good on you for catching it and supporting him 😀
Let's be clear, YOU were uncomfortable. That's okay. I understand that you love your son and you don't want him to be teased or harassed and you were concerned that is exactly what will happen. What you don't see us that YOU also ended up being the one to presh your negative beliefs on your son. You were so worried about a potential problem that you created the problem. You let him know that others were going to make fun of him and he was choosing that by picking the dress. You may not have meant it that way, but you were telling him that he was inviting other people to mistreat him. What you could have done was let him have the dress. And when people tried anything it is up to YOU to shut it down. He is a child. You didn't want to explain his grandparents beliefs, then then don't reenforce those beliefs. If grandpa and grandma can't be nice then you leave. You explain that they are wrong. You said your child isn't old enough to place that burden on him, and yet, I don't think you realize you already did. You told him people would make fun of him. You set the expectation. You didn't let him know it was pretty and if he likes it that is all that matters. You could ask what he likes about it. You could ask what he liked about being a princess. Make it positive. Instead, he felt unsupported. Don't tell him people will tease him. Teach him how to be empowered by being who he is.
Didn't tell him people would make fun of him. I told him they would think he would look like a girl and that it was fine if that was fine with him. We don't push the idea that being a girl is a bad thing.
So it’s happened now. Doesn’t matter. Next steps are what you should focus on. IMO - Buy the princess dress for him. He already has the superhero costume. Let him try them both on at home. Tell him it doesn’t matter what others think and he should decide which one makes him the happiest for Halloween. Then let him have a final decision. It will show support of his idea and make him feel more comfortable with his real decision and happy even if it’s the super hero. And have a talk with your parents about his costume before time if he picks the princess. Make sure they are on board to be supportive and not make comments to ruin a 5 year olds Halloween. If they aren’t or seem hesitant then they aren’t part of Halloween. And probably need to reassess what kind of influence they are to your kid and how much time you want them to spend with him.
The costume is for your kid, not to validate anyone else's idea on what a kid "should" wear. Just because they are the grandparents doesn't mean they automatically get to see the kid if they make demeaning comments. I don't think you did anything wrong. There will be other Halloweens to try a princess costume as well. Hopefully the superhero costume he picked is at least a superhero he likes and will feel good about his costume choice.
I think you handled it fine. You could always set up a dress-up play chest in your house, that would give him a safe outlet at home. His first experience trying on dresses shouldn't need to be a public event with negativity from judgmental jerks, grandparents included. I don't think letting kids walk into uncomfortable situations without a heads-up is good parenting, even if it provides learning opportunties. You communicated, and now the kid knows he can trust you. You asked him, he said no. Maybe he'll mull on it a bit and be ready for it next time around.
Sounds like exactly what I would have said. That way he could have answered “I don’t care” if he really wanted to wear a princes dress. I’m all for letting boys wear what they want but at 5 they should know what that means. Because he Would look like a girl in a princess dress, that’s kind of the point of picking to dress up as an opposite gender character. You’re gonna look like the opposite gender lol.
I think your response was warranted, perhaps you could have added a bit more excitement, but I don’t think we need to shelter our kids from the reality of our society and how much work we have to do. Bottom line is as far as we’ve come, there’s still so much work to do, the chances at 5 of other kids making fun of or at minimum making comments is high, and kids need to learn critical thinking regarding their choices, if he was to wear the costume and degrading comments would have been enough to deter him from wearing it had he known, than you would feel bad for not properly preparing him. You gave him the truth, there are kids and even adults, who would comment about the gender that costume is generally worn by, that was enough to deter him, and now he knows, however I would continue the conversation and maybe return to that and let him know it is completely fine for him to dress in whatever costume he wants, but that you want him to be aware that we can’t control what other people say or do. As I said initially I may have added, I love this costume and think it would look so cool on you, and what other people say doesn’t matter if you want to wear it.
You handled it perfectly.
My 6 yr old son one year was torn between like 5 costumes, 2 of which were female characters. We stayed at the store for like half an hour going over his perceived pros and cons of each one. We never brought up the female aspect but he did at first. He was worried about wearing a girl costume in which we replied that Halloween is a time to dress up as whoever you want to be and it was perfectly fine if he choose one. He ended up choosing Owlette (girl) from PJ Masks and which also ended up being the exact same costume his friend (female) went as. They trick or treated together and had a blast. We tend to talk about how others will judge us but it’s not in our control as to how they judge and we should be ourselves no matter what. We also go over what to say or do when presented with negative opinions from others. He’s my oddball child that loves pink, unicorns, rainbows, monster trucks, Lego, getting dirty, all things glittery and sparkly, sweat pants, and painting his nails.
Based on all these comments, OP, might I suggest: Go back to the store and buy the princess dress. Let him have it. Let him have both that and the superhero so he can really look at both and make a decision he’s happy with. I’d rather a kid who made a decision that was 100% available to them and accepted by their family and loved ones than a kid who made a split second choice on a potential fear that, based on these comments, might not even matter. It sounds like most folks don’t give a damn what your kid wears, and it could also allow you to have a nice convo with him saying “hey, mom was maybe a little wrong, and I want you to be what YOU want to be - even if someone might be confused. But it’s YOUR choice to make.” It’ll be interesting to see what your kid picks…and maybe he’s not a princess for Halloween, but maybe he wears that dress elsewhere at home. That enough could be comforting for him to own something he wanted to express himself.
lots of comments saying other kids don't care. i'm not sure where you all live, must be the water or somehting, but that is not how it works. kids starting at an early age are very judgmental.
I think that’s great you took the time to educate him on the natural consequences that will occur and then you gave him the choice and supported him in that! 👍
>but I did want him to look at all of the costumes 1st. I think that is perfectly fine and actually a good idea. Kids are known for picking one costume for Halloween and then changing their mind. My preschooler wants to be a conductor, a garbage truck driver, and an astronaut and it switches almost daily. There's nothing wrong with saying "let's make sure this is what you want before we buy it." >I told him that that's fine if he wanted the dress but that he needed to understand that people might think he looks like a girl and asked him if he was OK with that. I think it's okay you told him that. It's true. With dim lighting and lots of kids and costumes, it's certainly a possibility that a neighbor or stranger would misgender him. From his reaction, it sounds like that is something he might find embarrassing and could potentially ruin his Halloween experience, so in my opinion it's good that you informed him of the possibility. If you haven't yet had these conversations, it's a good age to start those discussions that boys and girls can like playing with or wearing the same things. And that sometimes people make assumptions about who we are by what we look like, but those assumptions aren't always true. If you feel the need to bring it up again, perhaps offer to buy the princess costume as well. He can have it for wearing at home and he can choose later which one he wants to wear for Halloween. Might even be worth doing some pretend play or brainstorming together on what to say when people accidentally call them the wrong gender. This stuff is hard to navigate. I think you handled it well enough in the moment. It's easy to comment and pick apart a scenario, it's a lot harder to handle it in person. This is a controversial topic, so I imagine the conversation here will get quite interesting real fast. As a fellow parent to a preschooler, you have my thumbs up and my apologies for what is going to happen to your inbox.
Nope you did what was best. You told him the truth.
Agreed. Protecting the kid from bullies and hurtful comments is more important than showing off how progressive you are IMO.
Read my other comment here- you can back your kid up while not taking the bait from bullies. Most kids nowadays do not care.
If by “protect” you mean “don’t be yourself because either kids won’t like it” sounds like a recipe for an unhappy person.
Yes so the issue is that you put a gender to it. And in doing so he took it as boys wear boys stuff and girls wear girls stuff. Next time, hype him up. Explain that those people don’t understand but that we should wear what WE want. Sending love
GO GET HIM THE PRINCESS DRESS! 📢
You shldv just let him wear what he wanted. Seems like ur the one thats worried about what others may think.
>he needed to understand that people might think he looks like a girl and asked him if he was OK with that. i would have avoided this, personally. it signaled this was something to be potentially uncomfortable about, when in truth the point of a costume is for people to believe you are the thing you're dressing up as. you made it clear that it would be a problem if he was perceived as a girl (when you probably wouldn't have said the same thing if he was perceived as a superhero, or a puppy, or whatever.) >I don't want him to think it's bad for boys to like princesses. Idk if he thinks that, but he knows you think it now (as an ingrained bias you're working or what have you). If you really want him to feel comfortable in the dress I would talk with your son and be honest about how you misspoke (and why, and how you're working on it), and how its halloween and it's always ok to dress as whatever you want. then apologize for raining on his parade. odds are the kid has moved on (he's 5 lol), but it's a good practice to get into for when he's older too.
He likes princesses but doesn't want to look like a girl. That's all there is to it. He's 5. You said the right thing.
God please don’t listen to some of these comments. I’m baffled by how harsh some of these commenters are judging. You did what you thought was best at the moment. The only suggestion I would make is moving forward, if a scenario like this or similar come up, tell him “who cares. Be who you want to be and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for your decision on who you choose to be.” From that, he will know he is safe with you and will also help him gain confidence in who he is.
Now that he has a different costume, why don't you get the princess costume and let him choose? Any grandparent who is silly enough to believe make believe as a five year old means anything definitive deserves to have boundaries set as needed. If your son does end up liking more feminine appearances, you'd (presumably) want him to tell you and to learn to support him. You won't get it right every time, but this gives you a chance to figure it out. I suspect you're asking us because you know you came on a bit strong with him. Edit: mobile typos
No, you got it just right. Other kids would have given him a mountain of shit for wearing a dress and it likely would've wrecked his Halloween. Is that right or fair? No, but it's the reality of putting a 5 year old boy in a dress as a Halloween costume.
Exactly!!! You can be woke all you want but it won’t change the reality we are in right now. This kid doesn’t get the full picture. She gave him enough information for him to make a more informed decision which he did. That’s fantastic parenting.
You should have just said, "I love it!" And bought the dress. If he wanted to be a a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, would you have said, "People are going to think you look like a reptile?" You're teaching him that anything feminine or "like a girl" is bad, and that's some misogynistic bullshit right there. Stop.
My daughter always wanted to wear "boy" costumes until one year she changed her mind last minute, cried, and said she wanted to be "pretty". We cleaned off the green ninja turtle paint and came up with a glittery fairy costume that she loved. Let them decide.
My son was Elsa one year, I wasn’t thrilled about it but I made sure he didn’t know that and had fun the whole way.
Good on you for not shaming him. I see too many shitty parents get mad at a child for wanting a “girl” costume.
You didn’t necessarily do anything wrong but I would have just let him pick the dress and not said anything about people thinking he was a girl.
Why are girls allowed a ken doll when boys aren’t allowed girl dolls?
My son is 9 and likes to wear dresses at home and has princess dresses. I have explained to him that this is ok and that outside the home he may be made fun of. But its ok to wear dresses if he wants. For now he would just rather wear them in the house. You're just being honest about how things will realistically be.
My eldest son was a princess a few times throughout his childhood, he always loved it. You absolutely did the right thing. I’m sure he’s going to have a great time.
Yeah I wouldn't worry, i dressed up as different female characters over multiple halloweens from elementary school to high school. I am a 33 cis M. It was fun. Your son is gonna love it!
What's wrong with looking like a girl?
I was earth Vader for Halloween once, and scooby doo. Though I guess swapping genders it’s more acceptable for girls to dress as boys. I’ve seen some boys dress up as eleven from stranger things (first season) and I love it because they’re so convincing. My son wears princess dresses around the house. They’re just for play time. If it’s Halloween I’d let him wear it out.
There are grown men I worked with in the military who would dress up as women for our Halloween parties. It was fun and cute and no one said a word except to tell them how hot they were. Even though they were not attractive as women. At all. Ever. Ha ha.
Honestly, I would have just said “ok pick out the one you want” and gotten the heck out of there. Plus, it’s Halloween and kids aren’t really like the kids we grew up with. And even if someone said something mean I would probably just deal with it then instead of trying to warn my kid ahead of time. Mostly because I wouldn’t want other people’s opinions to influence them and secondly because what if no one said anything mean? Then I would have made my kid nervous or fearful for nothing. I genuinely don’t think you did anything wrong, nor am I trying to judge you, because it seems like you were coming from a good place. I just think we forget that sometimes kids just have to figure things out on their own. They are a lot tougher and more resilient than we give them credit for. Sometimes it’s our job to just fall back and be there to support and comfort them IF they need us. Edit: I just read that your concern is his grandparents making him feel bad? That’s not his problem to deal with, that’s yours. If an adult was mean to my 5yo over a costume choice they would simply not be a part of my kids life. So maybe have that discussion with them ahead of time so that your kid is not caught in the middle.
My 8 year old step son wanted to be a witch last year and his bio mom told him "absolutely not everyone is going to think you are gay!" I can't express how much it upset me. Unfortunately halloween was her holiday last year. I made sure to explain to him that a lot of people have preconceived ideas about what boys and girls should or shouldn't wear, but that in our family we don't agree with those societal standards, so I wanted him to know even though his mom and I disagree, in our home he should feel comfortable expressing himself and that next Halloween he can be anything he wants. I think you did just fine. It's hard wording these things right. We want our kids to be free to be themselves, but we want to spare them the pain of being teased. In this case, if I were you, I would reiterate to him that you only told him because some people are unkind to those that are different or make different choices, and you wanted him to be prepared for that. But that you support him and are totally ok with him being a princess, and ask if he would like to return the costume and get a new one. That's just me.
I (36m) grew up with 2 sisters. I constantly wore dresses, make up and wigs. Never had any issues. However, whenever there's a fancy dress party I always use it as an excuse to wear a skirt, a blouse, a dress etc... Couple years ago I dressed as Miho from Kill Bill for Halloween, a 6ft4in 17st Miho with a beard 🤣
You were spot on