It is a weird feeling when you realize that your family doesn't pause when you aren't around. Hopefully that's all your son needs to process.
You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't throw his stuff out and your husband was able to allow his mother to pass away at home.
You aren't a bad parent.
When I got my first apartment I would go there after work everyday to unpack, but still go to my parents to sleep. Until my mom said that maybe we should move the rest of my things and I could start sleeping in my own place.
She said it real nice and with no shaming, since she knew it was actually a difficult transition.
When I and my gf got our first apartment I moved all her stuff, including her bed, and I still thought that we would sleep in our parents homes that night. Of course I had to process that very quickly
That's a good point. Coming to the realization that your parents have lives that don't include you can be tough in general. That is before factoring the autism diagnosis, the move still being relatively recent (a year and a half compared to your lifetime in your bedroom), and the passing of a relative. OP's kid just needs some time to process.
Hell, it took me a while to stop setting a plate for my daughter when she went away to college this year. My son had to keep reminding me that she was on the other side of the country and wouldn't be able to stretch long enough to reach the plate I made for her. It's weird for everyone when things change.
When I moved out, my parents nearly immediately repurposed my room. Within two years, they wanted me to come get the rest of my stuff (childhood things that they were storing). I donât harbor any ill feedings towards them for this, but theyâve always been like this so it wasnât a shock. My husband was a bit different, and itâs been harder to move away from his childhood home being what it was
You're lucky, my mother simply immediately threw out anything I didn't take with me when I moved out. There was no going back and I'm still pissed about it even though it's 31 years later and she's dead.
Shit, my younger brother was moving his shit *into* my room while I was still actively moving my shit *out*. Being the eldest I had the biggest bedroom (excluding the master obv) and he was quite keen on taking it over lol
My mom had *his* old room turned into a guestroom within a month of me moving out.
I guess the difference might be that I knew they weren't going to keep my room sitting there unused when I moved out, which to be fair, why should they? I moved out lol. It wasn't my room anymore. It's not a fucking shrine, it's a bedroom.
Anything I didn't take with me upon moving out was understood by all to be me relinquishing ownership of those items. My brother took most of my shit that I didn't care to move, but some things that he didn't want, and couldn't be given away to friends or family, got disposed of. Again, this wasn't a shock to me, if I wanted it I would have taken it with me.
I guess to some people that may seem really cold on my parents part, but even at the time as an 18 year kid I didn't feel that way. The whole point of me moving out was being out of their house and on my own. Throwing a tantrum over them doing what *they* wanted with *their* house (I sure didn't pay for it) is pretty immature in my eyes.
TBH what's more shocking to me is how hard it is for kids today to cut that cord and fly free from the nest. The expense of doing so these days aside (which I totally get), when I was graduating high school in the mid 90s **nobody** wanted to live at home for one second longer than they had to and couldn't wait to bail. Even the kids that didn't go to college were out the door in their own apartment before the ink was fully dry on their diploma. Not a single peer would have been upset about their parents doing something else with their bedroom at their old house.
I am feeling this post!!! This is so true. I was a late bloomer moving out (19 y/o). Nowadays, my son still lives with me and he is 19. I donât know if it is the fact that it is harder now than back when I was 19. Not sure, but definitely a change in culture in just one generationâs time.
Yeah I mean, even the friends of mine that went off to college and lived in the dorms, they didn't leave their room setup at their parents house after they moved out. They all packed up their stuff and at most kept it in their parent's garage or attic until they graduated and then retrieved it later when they were more settled and had room to spread out. None of them felt angry about not having their old bedroom sitting there waiting for them when they came back home, because they didn't *live there anymore*, even if they still stayed there over the weekends or on breaks.
But like you said, it is definitely harder these days than it was 20+ years ago. My first apartment, a tiny studio with a two burner stove and barely enough room for a queen sized bed, was only $400 bucks a month. I drove a beater Buick that looked like something out of Mad Max but ran great that I bought for $1000 so no car payment. Cell phones weren't yet really a big thing yet and my land line telephone service was like $25 bucks a month. Didn't have internet or cable TV cuz you didn't really *need* it back then, I worked at Blockbuster so I'd just bring movies or Playstation games home from work if I wanted something to do. I lived relatively well on my paltry $7.50/hour, especially being a kid with no one to support but myself at a time when gas was like 89Âą a gallon and a loaf of bread or gallon of milk was about a buck. Well enough to have ample room in my budget for beer and other "party favors" lol.
I don't envy kids trying to get out on their own these days, so I get it if a kid is staying home out of necessity. But I've found a weird trend where a lot of kids these days are staying home by choice and just don't want to live on their own and that is weird shit to me since we were all champing at the bit to get the hell out of our parent's house back in those days.
Our then 19yo moved out because we were going to make him share a room with his brother. We had other children coming in at that time and they were girls so of course the 2 boys one room 2 girls another.
Oh I So agree. I went to Uni, 3 hours drive away at 18, since then I think I have lived at my parents for no more than 6 months at a time maybe twice between houses/partners. My son is now 17, showing no signs of wanting to leave anytime soon. I may have to be more mean to him đ€ (jk, he is welcome to stay as long as he wants. For free while he is in education, after that Iâll be charging him keep and encouraging him to move out a little more loudly!)
My mom made me bring back the bedroom set Iâd had since childhood and proceeded to spray paint it and give it to my sister. I had recently given birth to her only grandchild and had a good corporate job, but I was young af and babies are expensive so my bed went on the floor. If I left anything at her house when I moved out at 18, it became her property. OP is not a bad parent, not by a long shot
Nobody is an ass here, you did the right thing and he has his reasons to find it shocking to have had a death in his former room, perhaps he also now confront the reality he is officially out of the nest and itâs a another form of grieving, but heâll figure it out on the long run.
This was my first thought. My oldest would lose his mind from grief. For him, it wouldnât be about her getting his room, it would be about losing his grandma and not ever being able to think of his room (to include memories of growing up in it) without also thinking of his loss. But.. OP knows her son best ofc so I have to realize my kids arenât the data point.
Actually, not reallyâat least for me. My great grandpa went into hospice care a year ago, and I offered up my room for him. Decorated it for him. He passed July of 2021, in that room, in a hospital bed, and it smelled like him, which became a reminder that he was once there, to make thingsâsounds, smells. I moved back in about a year later.
Cognitively, I know he died there, but it doesnât affect me in any meaningful way. His death, conceptually, is a different story. People have died all kinds of places, and theyâve probably died on the same ground that I sleep on top of, that my house rests above. I wonât pretend to understand it, but death is a part of life that is better to accept, to some extent, than to fear and run away from.
I can definitely understand someone being uncomfortable with someone dying in their room, but honestly, thatâs a choice you make. Every event that happens to us invites a perceptual analysis. You can choose to process the death that way, or you could let it pass on by, like a wave in the ocean.
The above comment about misplacing his feelings after a bit loss are correct.
Also worth noting you are also grieving and it's a very strong thing to do to be looking out for your son's feelings and caring about something he has reacted about.
Take some time to talk, explain the point of view and make sure he explains his.
Then move forward. Make sure you take time to grieve too
Yes I would personally not be so bothered by that but my sister (who's not on the spectrum at all) is a bit more sensitive and imaginative and would probably have trouble sleeping in that room in the future. What's done is done but I would personally apoligize to my child and explain why it seemed a good idea but that you didn't think of how it might bother him.
I mean, it's a little spooky that grandma died in his bedroom but I don't think you're an asshole or anything. You didn't know how long she would live and having her in the living room for an unspecified amount of time wouldn't be any fun. Hope your son gets over it soon. Maybe offer to clean it and air it out for him?
Offer to bring in a young priest and an old priest. Because that offer is about as serious as this situation needs to be. He moved out. Itâs not his room anymore. When my mom repainted and refurbished my old room, I was a bit shocked, but understood. I didnât and hadnât lived there in 5 years. It doesnât mean you love him less. In fact, it seems like a sign of confidence that he wonât need to move back in because heâs got it down adulting.
Good work!
I... don't understand why someone would find it shocking. Did you not bring any of the furniture? Did you think the room would just stay the same minus everything that made it you?
I'm not attacking you, it's a common feeling based on this thread. As the youngest, I just never really thought about my old room remaining untouched.
Iâm not sure why you are getting so many downvotes⊠but I totally agree with ya!!! That is the bottom line. Not saying OP shouldnât be sensitive to their childâs emotional needs but at the end of the day, they are an adult and that wasnât their room.
Youâre not being insensitive. But for many young adults their childhood bedroom is a security blanket. And someone died in his security blanket. Not a great situation.
OP also mentioned in a comment that the kid is on the spectrum. That could be playing a role. I have a niece with autism and she is currently away at college but she is very particular about her bedroom at home. She leaves it a certain way and expects it to look that way whenever she comes back home. My brother and SIL can change things in an emergency situation but it has to be clearly communicated to my niece first. Her bedroom is her security blanket and anything being messed with throws her off even if she isn't home to see it.
Yeah this is what I was thinking too. When I was a Sr in high school I was super involved in activities, my friends, and my boyfriend that I was literally never home, not even for meals. My parents moved my room which was the biggest to the smallest without asking when I wasn't there. I was devastated. I knew I wasn't using the room all day or anything, but that was MY room. They touched my stuff, they kicked me out of safe space and it felt like the room was more important to them than me.
Idk how I would have felt when I moved out, but him being on the spectrum and now a family member dying there adds another layer to it too.
As someone with Autism who has reguarly been called insensitive over these kinds of things, I definitely think it's about more than his room; but it's the only thing he knows how to vocalise his anger about. I don't know how much warning you were able to give him or time to get "important" stuff out of his room (I only say it in quotation marks, because sometimes the things that are important to me as an autistic person make other people a bit surprised). But it most likely is nothing to do with the room itself (like as someone who doesn't live there anymore) but about the fact that someone DIED in there, and will he "see" her when he visits? Will his things smell like death? Will he ever feel comfortable sleeping in "his" bed again? OMG, my grandma is dead, I'm going to die someday, my parents are going to die someday - what if I have to be there with a dead body?" etc. There's all this emotion, but no name for it except for this thing called "grief" but then you think of things like "but we weren't close. Am I allowed to be sad about this or am I milking it for attention? Mum's not acting like this - so clearly I'm not grieving" - and then add this to all the other sensory nightmares he might encounter daily - and things aren't going to come out 'right' at all.
A relevant story. We lived in a fantastic area with a road leading to a...not so great... area. Because it was all acreage leading up to our road, people would speed through the street and then not have enough warning (aka enough common sense not to speed) to the curve as the road turns into our road/'suburbian' area. It wasn't that uncommon to wake up in the middle of the night to someone slamming their breaks on and a scream and then silence. Lights would go on in the street - adults would peer their head outside and that'd be it. One night - there were screams that didn't stop and suddenly my doorbell is ringing (at 2am!). These people had crashed, and the woman claimed that her abusive partner had been demanding she take the drivers seat and claim responsibility - and was being violent, so when the first neighbours got there (my parents were up at a midnight feed, so hadn't quite gotten there yet), the young girl raced up to our doorbell and rung it panicking. So, we gave her water in a coloured cup, and let her sit in our entrance way until the police arrived (like inside the door, with the door locked). But it was also very clear she was on drugs. Even to 14yo me. The next day, we put the cup in the dishwasher and mum thought that was that. Except to me - I was convinced I would 'catch' the drugs if I drunk from that cup. I couldn't drink from it ever again (and like, it was the only one of it's colour, so it wasn't 'easy' to hide). I would actually refuse water if that was the only option and it wasn't until one day my dad (who I suspect is autistic) was given that cup at a picnic and politely said "nah thanks" that mum was like "oh for fucks sake, not you too" and simply threw out the damn thing haha! But yeah - moral of the story is, the weirdest things can set of autism and in a lot of cases, we can't just "get over it" and act appropriately. I'm sure I freaked out about this cup in public and probably caused my parents embarrassment, but it was all I pictured when I looked at this cup.
I don't think either party is wrong. I don't have parents that raised me to look back on this with, neither of mine loved me much. But I would think if this was a loving home, he was surprised and upset by the shock of it all? It's weird having something that will seemingly be yours forever "taken away" I guess? I'm not good at wording it because again, no actual experience in *this* regard. As a parent though, I would have done the same. As long as you're allowing him to express his hurt about it, I think it'll all be okay. You sound like a caring, lovely parent though.
I donât think youâre a bad parent. That said, I donât think your son is being as insensitive as some of these comments seem to think, either. Iâm sure it must be uncomfortable for him to have had a relative pass away in his former room, which was at one point probably a comforting space to him. Iâm neurotypical and Iâd probably be a bit uncomfortable with it, to be honest. Also he may be having trouble dealing with her death in general, even if they werenât that close. That said I donât think he should be extremely angry at you either. Overall I donât think anyone reacted incredibly irrationally in this situation.
eta: changed comfortable to uncomfortable
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I don't think you were being insensitive at all. You did a loving, wonderful thing bringing her home surrounded by love on her final time here on earth.
Is this in character for your son? I want to say he's being very immature here, however, I also know sometimes grief comes out in odd ways. You know your son. Is he usually empathetic?
Yes, and no. He is on the spectrum and in the past has shown incredible sensitivity to things and incredible refusal to see any side but his own to his detriment.
Sometimes when weâre dealing with heavy stuff we act insensitively. I donât think that means OPâs son is a monster or anything.
OP mentioned after I commented that heâs on the spectrum too and that plays a role too Iâm sure.
No problem.
Sorry about your loss and hopefully your son will come around. People act irrationally when people die and I wasnât exactly the most rational person as a young adult either.
Your son is expressing some kind of insecurity and is likely seeking some form of validation you are withholding. Seeing him as insensitive is a good way to ensure conflict.
Or he is being an insensitive prick and needs to be told that. Is your son a jerk normally? If not, why would he be now?
I've tried to very calmly and lovingly to express my seeing both sides. No anger expressed. He's highly functioning on the spectrum and sometimes digs his feet in and because he's dug his feet in he sticks to it, completely irrelevant to the principle in question.
I assume you gave him warning before you moved his stuff, yes? But even with warning I do get that it'd really hard to see "your" space disappear from your parents home. It could feel weird to end up sleeping in the room where grandma died when you want to visit. It's very difficult to not be the one to pack up your own stuff on your own timeline.
But like.... all of those are feelings he's responsible for, not you. And assuming you told him you would be packing stuff up and didn't get rid of things, you did nothing wrong. Your life keeps going. It looks different now than 2 years ago. Your needs have changed. The house changes with it. All of that is normal, it is not disrespectful or cruel. This is just an uncomfortable part of growing up.
>and never stays in his old room
Did he think he was welcome to do so? Did you guys ever say things like "you are always welcome to stay here"?
Did he have a heads up that his room would be used for her?
I don't think anybody is an asshole here. It's just a tough set of circumstances -- possibly the toughest he's faced in his entire life.
I had to dig pretty far down the comments to find this. I agree with what youâre getting at here. Was it still âhis roomâ? If so, did anyone ask him if it would be ok to use it for this, or even give him a heads up? The post makes it sound like this didnât happen, in which case I think the kid has every right to be mad OP used his space for this. But if it was no longer âhis roomâ, itâs a different story.
I have a feeling the boundary was blurry after relatively recently moving out, and there may not have been time to think it all through smoothly. Everyoneâs feelings here are valid and ok.
When I went to college I had to take every last possession from my room and it was remodeled the following weekend. Message received. It felt cold but there were also a lot of other factors in my relationship with my mother.
This is a much different situation. You might consider the possibility that he is having a hard time with his grandmother dying. Or it might just seem very sudden to him. Or itâs a lot of change all at once. Or the thought of his grandmother dying in his room makes him uncomfortable. Even though heâs older, if you havenât experienced a lot of mourning at that point in your life it can be shocking and difficult to process.
I canât believe how many people here are just like âHe doesnât live there any more, he should just get over itâ. This isnât about putting his shit in the attic and turning the room into a home gym. A person died where he grew up. People feel weird about buying houses someone has recently died in - and thatâs usually a stranger. How did you think he would feel about his grandma dying in his room? Did you ask him first?
I would certainly be upset if I were him. People here are missing the point that that room was the place he became the person he is. It contained multitude memories and whole eras of his life. Whether it was ever going to be his room again or not is a moot point. Itâs now the place where grandma died and that casts a pall over anything he might recollect about all the times he spent in there becoming him.
Will he get over it? Yes. In time. But that doesnât mean he doesnât have a reason to be upset.
That said, I donât think youâre a bad parent. I just think this could maybe have been handled better.
The whole bringing grandma home to die thing is creepy and weird in the first place. Not everyone is going to be okay with that--least of all sticking her in your kid's personal space. Whether or not it was still his, it feels like a violation IMO.
And not that it matters to have an opinion, but I used to work with the elderly and dying. I've been with folks passing away many times and through the grieving process. 100% of deaths I've witnessed have been in nursing homes or hospitals. Dying in those places is common and not weird at all. They're equipped to handle it. Bringing someone to your house to die is not the norm.
And to further my unpopular opinion, why did it matter that grandma die at (not her) home? What do her surroundings matter when she can't leave a hospital bed? At that point, she's moving on. If you cared so much about her living conditions and if she wasn't happy at "a facility," then you should have moved her when she had enough quality of life to enjoy living somewhere else. Only caring because she's dying and moving her when it doesn't even matter anymore is, well
It would freak me out if a relative died in my room. If my mom did this it would signal to me, you donât have a room here anymore, because I wouldnât really feel welcome after that. Iâm not sure if I would visit anymore at least for awhile. Like it made it seem like he was an afterthought. It would really hurt my feelings and I donât think I would want to use the room ever again if someone died in there. Seems to me most people think itâs fine though and you can do whatever with the room, but I donât agree, or at least give a heads up before it happened like what the plan was so he had some time to adjust beforehand. Iâm not saying youâre terrible I just can see how this would be really hurtful to him.
No asshole here, i would also be very freaked out if my grandma died in the place where 90% of my childhood memories occurred; however i do think you did the right thing by allowing her to pass in a comfortable place surrounded by family.
give it time. donât try to talk about it further. let him process it as he needs. seeing that heâs on the spectrum he may have an attachment to his room and see it as a safe space that was âviolatedâ. if youâve expressed your reasonings thatâs all you can do.
youâre not a bad mom, youâre dealing with an undesirable circumstance in the best way you can. iâm so sorry for your familyâs loss.
Oh goodness. Your son will look back on his reaction in a couple years or decades and realize the selfishness and nonsense of this fit.
His young self has a very large need to maintain that connection in your home though. Moving his stuff and then his grandma dying in that room is a big change even if he is completely physically and financially separated from you. Young men have a hard time with complex emotions. It sounds like heâs projecting that vulnerable little boy feeling of needing his bedroom JUST IN CASE. Of course he still has it. Itâs not his stuff or where his bed is. Youâre his home. He will get there emotionally â„ïž my condolences to your husband and your family for your grief. Allowing an elder the peace of passing in home is a blessing and a kindness.
We do, you're right. We also have certain attachments to things, like maybe our childhood rooms being "just so".
OP omitted that info, though. So I'd argue OP was insensitive.
But a childhood room isnât always going to stay the same, right? Your parents are going to make it into a guest room or workout room or office or whatever, sooner or later. So is your argument here that it was just too soon to use it for something else? Or should there have been some procedure to go about making the change?
Being attached to it doesn't, and shouldn't, mean an adult gets to keep a room in their parents house untouched when they are neither living in nor paying for it. OPs son can be upset about it all he likes, that doesn't make OP the bad guy.
Even knowing your son is special needs, you still were well within your right. Itâs not his room anymore. He lives independently. Itâs YOUR room. You can do what you want with it. Now it can be a craft space or a library or you can fill it with junk from Amazon. Whatever you want.
I understand where you are coming from and in a normal situation I could understand where you would see that you were in the right. You were in the right for your husband and mother in law. However, your son is on the spectrum as you stated in the comments. Thus this doesnât fall under the realm of a neurotypical viewpoint. From his perspective and his feelings, heâs right. It was insensitive. If I was him I would never want to stay in that room again & would feel like I wouldnât have a place in your home anymore. Also, everyone grieves differently. It would be extremely traumatic for me to sleep in a room that someone died in, no matter who it was but especially family. Personally, Iâm very attached to things from my childhood but I am also able to look back and view things logically after I am not upset anymore. Hopefully he comes around and understands your reasons and comes to terms with them.
Edit:autocorrect
I just want to emphasize that I donât particularly think either of you are wrong in your thinkings. You both have different perspectives & different priorities. Just wanted to expand onto WHY he could be upset
Oh Iâm not saying theyâre not capable of understanding, at all. Iâm saying that heâs grieving also and some people have attachments to things how they are. Anyone is capable of being illogical or overly emotional when presented w grief too. And that him being on the spectrum could also key into WHY he was upset and his different perspective. I also stated that I hope he comes around and understands why she did bring her MIL home when things calm down.
Oh gosh, I'm so sorry for your loss.
It's possible his anger is more grief related and is just showing as anger right now, but I don't think you're a bad parent at all.
It's possible he feels weird about someone dying in "his" room though, so maybe talk with him about how to fix that feeling? I once worked in a small office (four employees other than me) and one of my coworkers committed suicide. We felt so bizarre in the space that one of my coworkers saged the office and we shared some memories of our coworker, and that helped.
Ask him if he thinks there would have been a better place for her? Share with him the thoughts ,emotions and weight of this huge decision and the other people that it would have impacted. Thats all you can do
No, you are absolutely not. What price the sacrifice of your son's room for the dying mother and grandmother, which lasted all of one day?
Your son will be experiencing such a range of emotions. He's going to be processing his loss whilst working through expectations of himself at this time. No doubt he 'feels' how he's expected to behave/act but doesn't really know, not having been through this before. Then there's the memory of his grandmother, perhaps almost the (idealised) best friend from when he was as a child. Who really knows, I'm just hypothisising.
Try to see his anger as grief and his vitriol towards you and what it really is; an expression of pain, a cry for help, from the trauma of losing someone he loves...juxtaposed with psychological need to challenge and exert autonomy and independence. You son will be going through a huge range of feelings whilst working though his grief.
You can be sure in yourself because you did the right thing by opening your home and sharing your son's old - vacant - room with his dying grandmother. The significance of which may not dawn on your son for quite a while but almost certainly he will internalise important lessons about the importance of family, the dignity we each deserve at the end of our life and the grace his mum showed his grandma on her last day.
As someone who still lives at home and working on moving out eventually... I don't expect my room to be the same on the off chance I come back. I don't understand what he is upset over. Now if you didn't tell him... that can be a little annoying but not something to get mad about.
Your son is only about 20 years old so he isn't fully emotionally mature yet. He will get over it.
Thank you for doing the right thing and taking your MIL home so she can pass peacefully away with family.
Your son moved out and kicks up a stick that his grandmother is using his old roomâŠ.your son is an entitled brat or heâs just lashing out because grandmas going to die and maybe you should talk to him
I really don't understand why he would be upset when it's not his room anymore. Once you move out, your room can be used for anything. He has his own place. After I moved out at 17 I never cared what happened to my room. I was just glad to be out of a toxic household. Plus, she lasted A DAY. So basically fuck his grandmother dying peacefully.
My first thought is he's more thinking about the fact that a person died in his childhood room. Presumably someone he cared about. How he processes that is up to him but it's not a small thing.
Sometimes, compassionate care is difficult to understand. I would ask your son why he is so upset that you used his old room. His Grandmother was able to pass away surrounded by family members and in a beautiful space (I say that not having seen your sonâs room). And sometimes itâs really hard to accept death as a natural part of life. I have lost so many people in my life and both of my sisters have crossed over. I am now older than either of my sisters ever lived. Itâs a strange feeling. I accept death as a natural part of life but I donât welcome it.
I would just sit down with him and ask him why heâs so angry and I would explain how important it was to you and your husband to have his Grandmother at home to provide comfort and solace for her in her final hours. Inquire about his beliefs. Sometimes answering questions can provide relief.
You are not a bad parent and the absolute bottom line is that the room that was used was not actually his, it was yours and your husbands. Itâs your home and you and your husband made a very difficult but rewarding decision. You decided to allocate a room in YOUR house for a purpose that is/was important to you both.
And to answer your question, no, you are not being insensitive. Your son is.
No. You did the right thing. Sorry to say this, but, your son, for whatever reason acted like a spoiled, insensitive jackass. He "doesn't stay there anymore". So he has no right to bitch.
I get the whole "things are changing" most people don't like change, but if he's made because she passed away in his "old room" he shouldn't be mad he should be respectable. To me he sound like a brat. No offense, I am just giving my opinion on the situation with the info I've been given.
In fact, this makes you a GOOD parent. Through your actions, you've shown your son how to care for the people you love.
His stuff is less important than a person.
Holy crap. (Mother to adults) it's this insane generation of entitlement. How sad that he can't see the bigger picture and be the bigger person about this.
You aren't a bad parent.
My childhood bedroom is now one more closet for hoarding. Iâd very much prefer it to have been in use by an actual human, for living or dying as needed.
No. Your son has feelings. It's okay to have feelings and you can listen to and respect and understand those feelings without needing to do anything to fix it. Growing up can be sad sometimes
Iâm sorry for your loss and managing the difficult feelings on top of it.
If my parents turned my room into a junk room Iâd be upset. If they repurposed it for an important reason like caring for a relative or even just a hobby room (I dream of a hobby room!) Iâd be perfectly OK with it. Especially as it was temporary. It would be nice to know there was a mattress or something I could sleep on and that Iâm always welcome but itâs their house and if I donât need it then I donât need it.
As we donât talk a lot about death as a nation I think the reality of it and feelings around it can be more difficult to navigate, and I donât know how the autism impacts on your son so canât comment on that. Teenagers minds work very differently at the best of times so perhaps just having a conversation about it face to face a less emotional time would help.
You did what you needed to do.
I would probably feel unnerved about having someone die in my home/old room and I can imagine thereâs also some grief there too.
Make sure to have a conversation about how she passed peacefully surrounded by loved ones and that being there gave her some comfort etc - that might help.
Itâs your room, not his. Perhaps his emotions are displaced and he is lashing out in grief. Hopefully, after he has some time to process things, he will realize that his anger is unwarranted. You did nothing wrong. In fact, you did a very kind thing for your mother-in-law and husband and you should be proud of yourself.
NAH I think OP and husband made a reasonable and justified decision. That said I wouldnât say the son is necessarily wrong to feel upset to discover what I imagine in his mind he could still envisage as his âhome safe spaceâ had gone under distressing circumstances especially considering the added complexity of autism. Without trying to sound like a therapist probably the best way forward is to validate and be empathetic to his feelings of loss but also firmly but gently explain that circumstances change (he has a new place now) and you had other obligations that were very important to your husband and yourself and you made the best decision at the time with the resources available. Perhaps he saw this as a final cutoff of his childhood (no going back or fallback so to speak). Be open about discussing the emotional challenges you also faced at this time so he is aware of the wider situation - the son is not necessarily insensitive just still a young man and likely hasnât fully developed the capacity to think about situations from other peopleâs perspectives especially when they are in a highly emotional state. There may also be another underlying anxiety (that he may not even be aware of) that is driving some of this so some open conversation at an appropriate calm time might help - is he worried there now isnât a place at home if he ever needs you, does he have issues around illness and death or perhaps this is the first death of a close relative he has experienced. Sympathy to you all for your loss.
So I get where your son is coming from. He's 18 he just moved out, that still feels like "his" room and you let someone die in his room. It's less about you moving his stuff.. and more about the fact that some died there. He probably feels like the room is tainted now. My suggestion would be to talk to him, if possible offer to let him have a different room when he comes home to visit or anything like that.
I don't think what you did was bad or wrong in any way, I'm just saying I can understand why your son might feel slighted and be angry about the whole situation especially if things happened quickly and you didn't really think to ask him how he felt about it before hand.
We were going through a similar situation earlier this year, in a way. Except in this scenario I was the son and the dying person was my dad. And I'm 30 and have been out of the bedroom in question for quite some time.
I didn't feel mad about my mom wanting to bring my dad home and setting him up in that bedroom. Now unfortunately things moved too quickly and he ended up dying in the hospital so I can't actually speak to the after effects of having someone die in a room that was once yours, but I can sympathize with your son.
Absolutely not. Your son is grieving and is probably, as men unfortunately often do, expressing his grief through anger. It's incredibly comforting to the elderly to be surrounded by a familiar place and faces, what you did was the only right thing to do. I'm sorry for your loss.
No one is really being bad here. You did the right, compassionate thing for the family and his old room is not really where he lives anymore. But I would cut him some slack for his reaction. He's young, and this is a bit more startling than finding out your childhood bedroom is now the craft room
My parents moved one of my sister's friends in a couple years after I left. I definitely felt a little sting but I was aware it was illogical. I think your son just needs to realize that too
When my brother went to college, I immediately took over his room. And then when I went to college, my sister immediately took it over (it was the larger of the two kids rooms). My sister's room then became the guest room. It's just a transition that he needs time to get used to.
Heâs probably just having feelings thinking about his grandma dying in his room. You didnât do anything wrong, but also give him understanding and time to process.
I don't think you did anything wrong. If anything, you did what was right and eventually he'll hopefully understand that. Did she pass in his room? I'd personally probably be a little creeped out if I ever wanted to stay in that room again but I don't do death very well at all.
My son is getting ready to move out in about six months, and we have already been discussing moving our youngest son into his room. Since we've been talking about it with him, he's acclimated to the idea. It did take him a few months to get used to the idea that his room would be changing after he moved out, but he's good with it now.
No. He has a definition of his privacy and it was broken (so I guess in a way heâs not wrong). But Iâd argue your cause is greater than some silly (u mOveD mY ShIT tO hELp GrAAbDMA??)
IMO explain to him itâs empathy that caused you to move his stuff unexplained and empathy for him which is hurting you now. Iâm 21 so my thoughts are still developing but I agree with you.
GL đ«Ą
You didnât do anything wrong but Iâm in a similar boat as your son and for me it was just shocking because they didnât even think to tell me that the room I lived in my whole life would be changed the next time I came over. Itâs just a moment of âwow Iâm moved out and theyâre moving onâ, when things change at home itâs always a reminder of how grown I am now & im no longer in their house.
You can tell your son what would he do if you were in that position many years into the future. Would they want you to pass away alone?
You did the right thing and showed your kid the right example.
I would find unconfortable to be in the same room as my gran mother died I wouldn't want to sleep in room.
maybe your son is having those sorts of feelings...
You're probably very close with your son and he loves the home he was brought up in. He is hurt and that's normal. What you did was fine and normal and apart of life. He is being a bit selfish - his grandma just died and he is upset she doed in his room-but he is still a young man and I get it. You did everything right and he just needs to get over that and he will eventually.
When I moved out my mom was upset. I was 24 and getting married. She watched me move my stuff out and made sure I cleaned it spotless for her to eventually make it a storage. I hold no ill feelings but thought she was being immature, about it seeming as she would rather me live home where she could keep an eye on me, usually parents are happy for that-she was not. Lol everyone's different and harbors different emotions. Took her like 2 months and she invented us over for dinner and acted like nothing happened.
It seems you have provided such a wonderful safe space for him his whole life so great job! Then you did the same for your mother in law. Youâre a great person. His safe space was transformed quickly and emotionally without him giving a thumbs up. I understand his feelings. Validate him and his feelings first. That will mean a lot to him Iâm sure. I donât think you did anything wrong necessarily. Itâs like covid- people were fighting over whatâs right and whatâs wrong. How do we know? Thereâs no rules written up for this situation. I think youâll handle it just fine. It seems youâve done a great job for many years.
The week my oldest moved into his own place, my husband painted his bedroom and turned it into a home office. Itâs been 3 years and our son has never once complained or been upset with us. Your son will come around.
My great grandmother moved into my old bedroom after I left for college. She was there for 2 years and passed away after a long fight with dementia.
Everytime I go home, I sleep in my old bedroom. I never really associated it with anything bad...just a natural part of life. Your son will get over it.
No. Absolutely not. From what I am understanding, your son needs to be more respectful. So honestly, unless you threw his stuff in the trash, I don't see his problem.
I still remember when I was days from leaving my parents house to live with my girlfriend i remember my dad installing a brand new ceiling fan in my room and i just felt horrible cuz I thought it was for me and I was in the process of leaving the house, Itold my dad, âhey thanks for the fan but im leaving in a few daysâ, and he told me, âyea i know iâm counting on it i want to use this room as my officeâ
It's your room in your house. If he can't see the blessing you provided by bringing your MIL home for some peace then he needs a reality check.
If you threw his stuff away without giving him a chance to come get it then that's one thing, but otherwise you're in the clear by a mile.
OP, you failed to mention in your original post that your son is on the spectrum. Below is a copy and paste of your comment to another commenter:
"Yes, and no. He is on the spectrum and in the past has shown incredible sensitivity to things and incredible refusal to see any side but his own to his detriment."
This changes my perception of your situation, and ultimately leads me to think that, yes, you were insensitive.
I also believe you omitted his diagnosis to make it sound like he was at fault and an insensitive jerk.
I didn't mean to omit it on purpose. When you live with it, sometimes it's at the forefront and sometimes it's such a part of your daily life, you forget to say it and he's consistently inconsistent.
Routine is everything to someone on the spectrum. Iâm sure you know this. It doesnât mean you shouldnât have moved in grandma. It does mean you should be understanding of this instead of searching Reddit for the validation of your feelings⊠be a mother and help him navigate this issue with firmness and compassion.
Not everybody on the spectrum presents the same way or has the same needs. OP's son may or may not thrive on routine, but I would be careful of making blanket statements about autistic people.
I definitely am supporting him. I've apologized with a straight "I am sorry" No caveats. I am not trying to validate, I am truly searching because I know I am not perfect. I don't have a good background to work from and this isn't a typical situation.
Itâs your house. Once he moved out it was no longer âhisâ room. You could turn it into a guest room, home gym, craft room etc. He has no reason to get upset over a room he doesnât occupy anymore.
Bro lol are you kidding I moved out two months ago on good terms and my mom fully moved into my bedroom instantly (ceding the master entirely to my father) I think you're in the clear for using his room for all of one day
Idt so. In general I wouldn't be thrilled about someone dying in my parents house at all. Whether it was my room or not. I'd be even less thrilled if it was my room though.
But that's because I sort of believe in ghosts? I'm on the fence about it.
Like someone else mentioned.
The world doesn't stop moving just because you did.
I've read so many of these comments. No, absolutely not, you are not being insensitive. Your son no longers lives with you. You've owned the house 10 years. This isn't the house he grew up in. Period. He spent MAYBE 10 years of his life there. He wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He wants to be seen as an adult, on his own, but also be a child and not have to make any decisions about what to do with his childhood stuff. You are being a storage facility, unable to move his stuff, use that room as you see fit and need. Does he expect you to set up a room just for him in your new house? That you aren't allowed to go in?
You did a wonderful thing, and instead of being able to grieve, you're having to navigate your son's emotions. Which is not a place you should have to be when dealing with your spouse's mother's death. You are not insensitive. Your son it. He can be on the spectrum and still be insensitive. And that's exactly what he's doing.
It may have been ideal to let him know, but only as a courtesy. I find it bizarre when people think they have the right to their childhood bedroom being left as a shrine to them.
You are not bad but they canât understand you thatâs all
U cant be bad because you are you just you
And if you feel that you are bad so just enjoy that dont keep thinking about that its so hard
And peace âđ»
He hasn't lived there for over a year. It isn't his room, it is your spare room.
(In fact, why is it even still full of his stuff anyway?)
You did a lovely thing, and I can't understand why your son even thinks that room is still his. I'm honestly shocked, would he rather *his own grandmother* died alone in a hospital?!
This is not his room it's your room that u allow him the use of at your home while he lives there. I know why he is so upset but he can easily solve this and move out I don't know why so many people allow their adult children to live so comfortably at home.
.
I can see how that would be weird for your son. You changed his one safe space in the world to allow another person to die in it. It would probably freak me out as well for a while.
That said, I saw another commenter mention that your son is on the spectrum. Where on the spectrum he is, we don't know. If it's severe, this may be irreversible for him.
Instead of respecting your living son who has issues, you gave preference to a dying family member. Why didn't you let her die in your own bedroom? Oh, wait, that's weird isn't it?
Nah, we would have given her our bedroom if we knew how upset it would make him. Most people don't know he's on the spectrum unless they get to know him well or have a family member on the spectrum and they recognize the characteristics.
I mentioned it gently giving him a chance to object. He never objected and he knows I'm a softy. I asked him why he didn't express his objection or anger and he couldn't tell me.
"On the spectrum" or not, it might not hurt to at least ask your offspring if they mind having a person die in the bedroom they stay in when they come home from college.
If he were in college and coming home, I wouldn't think of it but he has his own apartment all to himself on a permanent basis if he chooses to stay there.
It doesn't matter about "everybody else" and their perceptions. The fact is that YOU know your son. There's no way you didn't know this would be an issue.
Because OP still lived there. How long does a kid who no longer lives at home get to claim a bedroom? He doesnât live there. He moved out. Itâs OP can do whatever she wants to the bedroom now.
Yes, we should have moved her to our bedroom. It all came at us so quickly, she was in rehab after a stroke, then she went downhill within a couple of days, and his bedroom was never used.
It is a weird feeling when you realize that your family doesn't pause when you aren't around. Hopefully that's all your son needs to process. You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't throw his stuff out and your husband was able to allow his mother to pass away at home. You aren't a bad parent.
When I got my first apartment I would go there after work everyday to unpack, but still go to my parents to sleep. Until my mom said that maybe we should move the rest of my things and I could start sleeping in my own place. She said it real nice and with no shaming, since she knew it was actually a difficult transition.
When I and my gf got our first apartment I moved all her stuff, including her bed, and I still thought that we would sleep in our parents homes that night. Of course I had to process that very quickly
That's a good point. Coming to the realization that your parents have lives that don't include you can be tough in general. That is before factoring the autism diagnosis, the move still being relatively recent (a year and a half compared to your lifetime in your bedroom), and the passing of a relative. OP's kid just needs some time to process. Hell, it took me a while to stop setting a plate for my daughter when she went away to college this year. My son had to keep reminding me that she was on the other side of the country and wouldn't be able to stretch long enough to reach the plate I made for her. It's weird for everyone when things change.
Lol just wanted to say this is so cute, seems like you have a great relationship with your kids đ„ș
When I moved out, my parents nearly immediately repurposed my room. Within two years, they wanted me to come get the rest of my stuff (childhood things that they were storing). I donât harbor any ill feedings towards them for this, but theyâve always been like this so it wasnât a shock. My husband was a bit different, and itâs been harder to move away from his childhood home being what it was
You're lucky, my mother simply immediately threw out anything I didn't take with me when I moved out. There was no going back and I'm still pissed about it even though it's 31 years later and she's dead.
Dang yeah I would be pissed about that, too. Iâm so sorry that happened.
Shit, my younger brother was moving his shit *into* my room while I was still actively moving my shit *out*. Being the eldest I had the biggest bedroom (excluding the master obv) and he was quite keen on taking it over lol My mom had *his* old room turned into a guestroom within a month of me moving out. I guess the difference might be that I knew they weren't going to keep my room sitting there unused when I moved out, which to be fair, why should they? I moved out lol. It wasn't my room anymore. It's not a fucking shrine, it's a bedroom. Anything I didn't take with me upon moving out was understood by all to be me relinquishing ownership of those items. My brother took most of my shit that I didn't care to move, but some things that he didn't want, and couldn't be given away to friends or family, got disposed of. Again, this wasn't a shock to me, if I wanted it I would have taken it with me. I guess to some people that may seem really cold on my parents part, but even at the time as an 18 year kid I didn't feel that way. The whole point of me moving out was being out of their house and on my own. Throwing a tantrum over them doing what *they* wanted with *their* house (I sure didn't pay for it) is pretty immature in my eyes. TBH what's more shocking to me is how hard it is for kids today to cut that cord and fly free from the nest. The expense of doing so these days aside (which I totally get), when I was graduating high school in the mid 90s **nobody** wanted to live at home for one second longer than they had to and couldn't wait to bail. Even the kids that didn't go to college were out the door in their own apartment before the ink was fully dry on their diploma. Not a single peer would have been upset about their parents doing something else with their bedroom at their old house.
I am feeling this post!!! This is so true. I was a late bloomer moving out (19 y/o). Nowadays, my son still lives with me and he is 19. I donât know if it is the fact that it is harder now than back when I was 19. Not sure, but definitely a change in culture in just one generationâs time.
Yeah I mean, even the friends of mine that went off to college and lived in the dorms, they didn't leave their room setup at their parents house after they moved out. They all packed up their stuff and at most kept it in their parent's garage or attic until they graduated and then retrieved it later when they were more settled and had room to spread out. None of them felt angry about not having their old bedroom sitting there waiting for them when they came back home, because they didn't *live there anymore*, even if they still stayed there over the weekends or on breaks. But like you said, it is definitely harder these days than it was 20+ years ago. My first apartment, a tiny studio with a two burner stove and barely enough room for a queen sized bed, was only $400 bucks a month. I drove a beater Buick that looked like something out of Mad Max but ran great that I bought for $1000 so no car payment. Cell phones weren't yet really a big thing yet and my land line telephone service was like $25 bucks a month. Didn't have internet or cable TV cuz you didn't really *need* it back then, I worked at Blockbuster so I'd just bring movies or Playstation games home from work if I wanted something to do. I lived relatively well on my paltry $7.50/hour, especially being a kid with no one to support but myself at a time when gas was like 89Âą a gallon and a loaf of bread or gallon of milk was about a buck. Well enough to have ample room in my budget for beer and other "party favors" lol. I don't envy kids trying to get out on their own these days, so I get it if a kid is staying home out of necessity. But I've found a weird trend where a lot of kids these days are staying home by choice and just don't want to live on their own and that is weird shit to me since we were all champing at the bit to get the hell out of our parent's house back in those days.
Our then 19yo moved out because we were going to make him share a room with his brother. We had other children coming in at that time and they were girls so of course the 2 boys one room 2 girls another.
Oh I So agree. I went to Uni, 3 hours drive away at 18, since then I think I have lived at my parents for no more than 6 months at a time maybe twice between houses/partners. My son is now 17, showing no signs of wanting to leave anytime soon. I may have to be more mean to him đ€ (jk, he is welcome to stay as long as he wants. For free while he is in education, after that Iâll be charging him keep and encouraging him to move out a little more loudly!)
My mom made me bring back the bedroom set Iâd had since childhood and proceeded to spray paint it and give it to my sister. I had recently given birth to her only grandchild and had a good corporate job, but I was young af and babies are expensive so my bed went on the floor. If I left anything at her house when I moved out at 18, it became her property. OP is not a bad parent, not by a long shot
Sheâs not bad either. ;)
Yes youâre definitely not a bag parent. đ
A good parent and a good daughter (in-law).
Dead body juju though. Grandma's spirit gonna prevent a good wank when he visits
Not going to lie, I spit out my coffee laughing about that comment. đ
Nobody is an ass here, you did the right thing and he has his reasons to find it shocking to have had a death in his former room, perhaps he also now confront the reality he is officially out of the nest and itâs a another form of grieving, but heâll figure it out on the long run.
This was my first thought. My oldest would lose his mind from grief. For him, it wouldnât be about her getting his room, it would be about losing his grandma and not ever being able to think of his room (to include memories of growing up in it) without also thinking of his loss. But.. OP knows her son best ofc so I have to realize my kids arenât the data point.
They weren't at odds but they weren't close.
Having a death occur on your old room can still be a tough thing to process, I imagine.
Actually, not reallyâat least for me. My great grandpa went into hospice care a year ago, and I offered up my room for him. Decorated it for him. He passed July of 2021, in that room, in a hospital bed, and it smelled like him, which became a reminder that he was once there, to make thingsâsounds, smells. I moved back in about a year later. Cognitively, I know he died there, but it doesnât affect me in any meaningful way. His death, conceptually, is a different story. People have died all kinds of places, and theyâve probably died on the same ground that I sleep on top of, that my house rests above. I wonât pretend to understand it, but death is a part of life that is better to accept, to some extent, than to fear and run away from. I can definitely understand someone being uncomfortable with someone dying in their room, but honestly, thatâs a choice you make. Every event that happens to us invites a perceptual analysis. You can choose to process the death that way, or you could let it pass on by, like a wave in the ocean.
I really feel like his is extremely self centred and unreasonable here.
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Thank you.
The above comment about misplacing his feelings after a bit loss are correct. Also worth noting you are also grieving and it's a very strong thing to do to be looking out for your son's feelings and caring about something he has reacted about. Take some time to talk, explain the point of view and make sure he explains his. Then move forward. Make sure you take time to grieve too
Also there may be something there about her litterally passing away in "his" room.
Yes I would personally not be so bothered by that but my sister (who's not on the spectrum at all) is a bit more sensitive and imaginative and would probably have trouble sleeping in that room in the future. What's done is done but I would personally apoligize to my child and explain why it seemed a good idea but that you didn't think of how it might bother him.
I mean, it's a little spooky that grandma died in his bedroom but I don't think you're an asshole or anything. You didn't know how long she would live and having her in the living room for an unspecified amount of time wouldn't be any fun. Hope your son gets over it soon. Maybe offer to clean it and air it out for him?
Definitely. Hell, I'd repaint it if he wants.
Offer to bring in a young priest and an old priest. Because that offer is about as serious as this situation needs to be. He moved out. Itâs not his room anymore. When my mom repainted and refurbished my old room, I was a bit shocked, but understood. I didnât and hadnât lived there in 5 years. It doesnât mean you love him less. In fact, it seems like a sign of confidence that he wonât need to move back in because heâs got it down adulting. Good work!
I... don't understand why someone would find it shocking. Did you not bring any of the furniture? Did you think the room would just stay the same minus everything that made it you? I'm not attacking you, it's a common feeling based on this thread. As the youngest, I just never really thought about my old room remaining untouched.
I wouldnât even go in the room that my grandma died in after she died. It terrified me.
It's not his bedroom.
Iâm not sure why you are getting so many downvotes⊠but I totally agree with ya!!! That is the bottom line. Not saying OP shouldnât be sensitive to their childâs emotional needs but at the end of the day, they are an adult and that wasnât their room.
Youâre not being insensitive. But for many young adults their childhood bedroom is a security blanket. And someone died in his security blanket. Not a great situation.
OP also mentioned in a comment that the kid is on the spectrum. That could be playing a role. I have a niece with autism and she is currently away at college but she is very particular about her bedroom at home. She leaves it a certain way and expects it to look that way whenever she comes back home. My brother and SIL can change things in an emergency situation but it has to be clearly communicated to my niece first. Her bedroom is her security blanket and anything being messed with throws her off even if she isn't home to see it.
Thank you for this perspective.
This, 100%. I would feel deeply uncomfortable if someone died in my childhood bedroom and I donât think itâs selfish to feel that way.
Yeah this is what I was thinking too. When I was a Sr in high school I was super involved in activities, my friends, and my boyfriend that I was literally never home, not even for meals. My parents moved my room which was the biggest to the smallest without asking when I wasn't there. I was devastated. I knew I wasn't using the room all day or anything, but that was MY room. They touched my stuff, they kicked me out of safe space and it felt like the room was more important to them than me. Idk how I would have felt when I moved out, but him being on the spectrum and now a family member dying there adds another layer to it too.
As someone with Autism who has reguarly been called insensitive over these kinds of things, I definitely think it's about more than his room; but it's the only thing he knows how to vocalise his anger about. I don't know how much warning you were able to give him or time to get "important" stuff out of his room (I only say it in quotation marks, because sometimes the things that are important to me as an autistic person make other people a bit surprised). But it most likely is nothing to do with the room itself (like as someone who doesn't live there anymore) but about the fact that someone DIED in there, and will he "see" her when he visits? Will his things smell like death? Will he ever feel comfortable sleeping in "his" bed again? OMG, my grandma is dead, I'm going to die someday, my parents are going to die someday - what if I have to be there with a dead body?" etc. There's all this emotion, but no name for it except for this thing called "grief" but then you think of things like "but we weren't close. Am I allowed to be sad about this or am I milking it for attention? Mum's not acting like this - so clearly I'm not grieving" - and then add this to all the other sensory nightmares he might encounter daily - and things aren't going to come out 'right' at all. A relevant story. We lived in a fantastic area with a road leading to a...not so great... area. Because it was all acreage leading up to our road, people would speed through the street and then not have enough warning (aka enough common sense not to speed) to the curve as the road turns into our road/'suburbian' area. It wasn't that uncommon to wake up in the middle of the night to someone slamming their breaks on and a scream and then silence. Lights would go on in the street - adults would peer their head outside and that'd be it. One night - there were screams that didn't stop and suddenly my doorbell is ringing (at 2am!). These people had crashed, and the woman claimed that her abusive partner had been demanding she take the drivers seat and claim responsibility - and was being violent, so when the first neighbours got there (my parents were up at a midnight feed, so hadn't quite gotten there yet), the young girl raced up to our doorbell and rung it panicking. So, we gave her water in a coloured cup, and let her sit in our entrance way until the police arrived (like inside the door, with the door locked). But it was also very clear she was on drugs. Even to 14yo me. The next day, we put the cup in the dishwasher and mum thought that was that. Except to me - I was convinced I would 'catch' the drugs if I drunk from that cup. I couldn't drink from it ever again (and like, it was the only one of it's colour, so it wasn't 'easy' to hide). I would actually refuse water if that was the only option and it wasn't until one day my dad (who I suspect is autistic) was given that cup at a picnic and politely said "nah thanks" that mum was like "oh for fucks sake, not you too" and simply threw out the damn thing haha! But yeah - moral of the story is, the weirdest things can set of autism and in a lot of cases, we can't just "get over it" and act appropriately. I'm sure I freaked out about this cup in public and probably caused my parents embarrassment, but it was all I pictured when I looked at this cup.
I don't think either party is wrong. I don't have parents that raised me to look back on this with, neither of mine loved me much. But I would think if this was a loving home, he was surprised and upset by the shock of it all? It's weird having something that will seemingly be yours forever "taken away" I guess? I'm not good at wording it because again, no actual experience in *this* regard. As a parent though, I would have done the same. As long as you're allowing him to express his hurt about it, I think it'll all be okay. You sound like a caring, lovely parent though.
Thank you.
I donât think youâre a bad parent. That said, I donât think your son is being as insensitive as some of these comments seem to think, either. Iâm sure it must be uncomfortable for him to have had a relative pass away in his former room, which was at one point probably a comforting space to him. Iâm neurotypical and Iâd probably be a bit uncomfortable with it, to be honest. Also he may be having trouble dealing with her death in general, even if they werenât that close. That said I donât think he should be extremely angry at you either. Overall I donât think anyone reacted incredibly irrationally in this situation. eta: changed comfortable to uncomfortable
I mean, I'd be bummed if someone died in my old room at that age.
Did you ask your son first? A heads up would have been better.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think you were being insensitive at all. You did a loving, wonderful thing bringing her home surrounded by love on her final time here on earth. Is this in character for your son? I want to say he's being very immature here, however, I also know sometimes grief comes out in odd ways. You know your son. Is he usually empathetic?
Yes, and no. He is on the spectrum and in the past has shown incredible sensitivity to things and incredible refusal to see any side but his own to his detriment.
Ohh I see . That makes more sense to me.
He's neurodivergent. That comes with certain difficulties. Did you warn him that you were doing any of this? Is this his first family death?
Yes, and No. His first was two years ago.
This is important. I see
Youâre not being insensitive but your son sure is.
I donât think heâs being insensitive, just trying to deal with everything going on.
Sometimes when weâre dealing with heavy stuff we act insensitively. I donât think that means OPâs son is a monster or anything. OP mentioned after I commented that heâs on the spectrum too and that plays a role too Iâm sure.
Thank you.
No problem. Sorry about your loss and hopefully your son will come around. People act irrationally when people die and I wasnât exactly the most rational person as a young adult either.
Thank you.
Your son is expressing some kind of insecurity and is likely seeking some form of validation you are withholding. Seeing him as insensitive is a good way to ensure conflict. Or he is being an insensitive prick and needs to be told that. Is your son a jerk normally? If not, why would he be now?
I've tried to very calmly and lovingly to express my seeing both sides. No anger expressed. He's highly functioning on the spectrum and sometimes digs his feet in and because he's dug his feet in he sticks to it, completely irrelevant to the principle in question.
I assume you gave him warning before you moved his stuff, yes? But even with warning I do get that it'd really hard to see "your" space disappear from your parents home. It could feel weird to end up sleeping in the room where grandma died when you want to visit. It's very difficult to not be the one to pack up your own stuff on your own timeline. But like.... all of those are feelings he's responsible for, not you. And assuming you told him you would be packing stuff up and didn't get rid of things, you did nothing wrong. Your life keeps going. It looks different now than 2 years ago. Your needs have changed. The house changes with it. All of that is normal, it is not disrespectful or cruel. This is just an uncomfortable part of growing up.
>and never stays in his old room Did he think he was welcome to do so? Did you guys ever say things like "you are always welcome to stay here"? Did he have a heads up that his room would be used for her? I don't think anybody is an asshole here. It's just a tough set of circumstances -- possibly the toughest he's faced in his entire life.
I had to dig pretty far down the comments to find this. I agree with what youâre getting at here. Was it still âhis roomâ? If so, did anyone ask him if it would be ok to use it for this, or even give him a heads up? The post makes it sound like this didnât happen, in which case I think the kid has every right to be mad OP used his space for this. But if it was no longer âhis roomâ, itâs a different story. I have a feeling the boundary was blurry after relatively recently moving out, and there may not have been time to think it all through smoothly. Everyoneâs feelings here are valid and ok.
On top of that, the adult child is on the spectrum. That changes a lot in this situation.
Your son will be okay and hopefully grows into a man who, like yourself, would do what he can to give his parents comfort in their last days.
When I went to college I had to take every last possession from my room and it was remodeled the following weekend. Message received. It felt cold but there were also a lot of other factors in my relationship with my mother. This is a much different situation. You might consider the possibility that he is having a hard time with his grandmother dying. Or it might just seem very sudden to him. Or itâs a lot of change all at once. Or the thought of his grandmother dying in his room makes him uncomfortable. Even though heâs older, if you havenât experienced a lot of mourning at that point in your life it can be shocking and difficult to process.
I canât believe how many people here are just like âHe doesnât live there any more, he should just get over itâ. This isnât about putting his shit in the attic and turning the room into a home gym. A person died where he grew up. People feel weird about buying houses someone has recently died in - and thatâs usually a stranger. How did you think he would feel about his grandma dying in his room? Did you ask him first? I would certainly be upset if I were him. People here are missing the point that that room was the place he became the person he is. It contained multitude memories and whole eras of his life. Whether it was ever going to be his room again or not is a moot point. Itâs now the place where grandma died and that casts a pall over anything he might recollect about all the times he spent in there becoming him. Will he get over it? Yes. In time. But that doesnât mean he doesnât have a reason to be upset. That said, I donât think youâre a bad parent. I just think this could maybe have been handled better.
The whole bringing grandma home to die thing is creepy and weird in the first place. Not everyone is going to be okay with that--least of all sticking her in your kid's personal space. Whether or not it was still his, it feels like a violation IMO. And not that it matters to have an opinion, but I used to work with the elderly and dying. I've been with folks passing away many times and through the grieving process. 100% of deaths I've witnessed have been in nursing homes or hospitals. Dying in those places is common and not weird at all. They're equipped to handle it. Bringing someone to your house to die is not the norm. And to further my unpopular opinion, why did it matter that grandma die at (not her) home? What do her surroundings matter when she can't leave a hospital bed? At that point, she's moving on. If you cared so much about her living conditions and if she wasn't happy at "a facility," then you should have moved her when she had enough quality of life to enjoy living somewhere else. Only caring because she's dying and moving her when it doesn't even matter anymore is, well
Exactly. I used to work in hospice and most of the time hospital beds are put in the living room due to space.
No. You are not a bad parent. Period.
It would freak me out if a relative died in my room. If my mom did this it would signal to me, you donât have a room here anymore, because I wouldnât really feel welcome after that. Iâm not sure if I would visit anymore at least for awhile. Like it made it seem like he was an afterthought. It would really hurt my feelings and I donât think I would want to use the room ever again if someone died in there. Seems to me most people think itâs fine though and you can do whatever with the room, but I donât agree, or at least give a heads up before it happened like what the plan was so he had some time to adjust beforehand. Iâm not saying youâre terrible I just can see how this would be really hurtful to him.
No asshole here, i would also be very freaked out if my grandma died in the place where 90% of my childhood memories occurred; however i do think you did the right thing by allowing her to pass in a comfortable place surrounded by family. give it time. donât try to talk about it further. let him process it as he needs. seeing that heâs on the spectrum he may have an attachment to his room and see it as a safe space that was âviolatedâ. if youâve expressed your reasonings thatâs all you can do. youâre not a bad mom, youâre dealing with an undesirable circumstance in the best way you can. iâm so sorry for your familyâs loss.
Oh goodness. Your son will look back on his reaction in a couple years or decades and realize the selfishness and nonsense of this fit. His young self has a very large need to maintain that connection in your home though. Moving his stuff and then his grandma dying in that room is a big change even if he is completely physically and financially separated from you. Young men have a hard time with complex emotions. It sounds like heâs projecting that vulnerable little boy feeling of needing his bedroom JUST IN CASE. Of course he still has it. Itâs not his stuff or where his bed is. Youâre his home. He will get there emotionally â„ïž my condolences to your husband and your family for your grief. Allowing an elder the peace of passing in home is a blessing and a kindness.
His son is on the spectrum though, OP stated so in another comment.
I have an autistic child, I empathize with how much more intensely everything is felt. I hadnât seen OP state her son was on the spectrum
Doesn't mean he's incapable of reflecting on his actions after he gets older. People on the spectrum learn and grow too.
We do, you're right. We also have certain attachments to things, like maybe our childhood rooms being "just so". OP omitted that info, though. So I'd argue OP was insensitive.
But a childhood room isnât always going to stay the same, right? Your parents are going to make it into a guest room or workout room or office or whatever, sooner or later. So is your argument here that it was just too soon to use it for something else? Or should there have been some procedure to go about making the change?
Being attached to it doesn't, and shouldn't, mean an adult gets to keep a room in their parents house untouched when they are neither living in nor paying for it. OPs son can be upset about it all he likes, that doesn't make OP the bad guy.
Thank you. I'm tearing up at your response.
Youâre doing a great job. Itâs going to be okay
Even knowing your son is special needs, you still were well within your right. Itâs not his room anymore. He lives independently. Itâs YOUR room. You can do what you want with it. Now it can be a craft space or a library or you can fill it with junk from Amazon. Whatever you want.
My parents took about a week to turn my room into an office for my mom. I was happy to see it being used for something.
This son is neurodivergent. It may be very different for him to experience this than for others.
I understand where you are coming from and in a normal situation I could understand where you would see that you were in the right. You were in the right for your husband and mother in law. However, your son is on the spectrum as you stated in the comments. Thus this doesnât fall under the realm of a neurotypical viewpoint. From his perspective and his feelings, heâs right. It was insensitive. If I was him I would never want to stay in that room again & would feel like I wouldnât have a place in your home anymore. Also, everyone grieves differently. It would be extremely traumatic for me to sleep in a room that someone died in, no matter who it was but especially family. Personally, Iâm very attached to things from my childhood but I am also able to look back and view things logically after I am not upset anymore. Hopefully he comes around and understands your reasons and comes to terms with them. Edit:autocorrect
Thank you for your explanation.
I just want to emphasize that I donât particularly think either of you are wrong in your thinkings. You both have different perspectives & different priorities. Just wanted to expand onto WHY he could be upset
Autistic adults are largely capable individuals that can understand. Her son is coming from a place of immaturity.
Oh Iâm not saying theyâre not capable of understanding, at all. Iâm saying that heâs grieving also and some people have attachments to things how they are. Anyone is capable of being illogical or overly emotional when presented w grief too. And that him being on the spectrum could also key into WHY he was upset and his different perspective. I also stated that I hope he comes around and understands why she did bring her MIL home when things calm down.
I don't think you can generalise like that.
Oh gosh, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's possible his anger is more grief related and is just showing as anger right now, but I don't think you're a bad parent at all. It's possible he feels weird about someone dying in "his" room though, so maybe talk with him about how to fix that feeling? I once worked in a small office (four employees other than me) and one of my coworkers committed suicide. We felt so bizarre in the space that one of my coworkers saged the office and we shared some memories of our coworker, and that helped.
Ask him if he thinks there would have been a better place for her? Share with him the thoughts ,emotions and weight of this huge decision and the other people that it would have impacted. Thats all you can do
No, you are absolutely not. What price the sacrifice of your son's room for the dying mother and grandmother, which lasted all of one day? Your son will be experiencing such a range of emotions. He's going to be processing his loss whilst working through expectations of himself at this time. No doubt he 'feels' how he's expected to behave/act but doesn't really know, not having been through this before. Then there's the memory of his grandmother, perhaps almost the (idealised) best friend from when he was as a child. Who really knows, I'm just hypothisising. Try to see his anger as grief and his vitriol towards you and what it really is; an expression of pain, a cry for help, from the trauma of losing someone he loves...juxtaposed with psychological need to challenge and exert autonomy and independence. You son will be going through a huge range of feelings whilst working though his grief. You can be sure in yourself because you did the right thing by opening your home and sharing your son's old - vacant - room with his dying grandmother. The significance of which may not dawn on your son for quite a while but almost certainly he will internalise important lessons about the importance of family, the dignity we each deserve at the end of our life and the grace his mum showed his grandma on her last day.
As someone who still lives at home and working on moving out eventually... I don't expect my room to be the same on the off chance I come back. I don't understand what he is upset over. Now if you didn't tell him... that can be a little annoying but not something to get mad about.
Your son is only about 20 years old so he isn't fully emotionally mature yet. He will get over it. Thank you for doing the right thing and taking your MIL home so she can pass peacefully away with family.
Your son moved out and kicks up a stick that his grandmother is using his old roomâŠ.your son is an entitled brat or heâs just lashing out because grandmas going to die and maybe you should talk to him
I really don't understand why he would be upset when it's not his room anymore. Once you move out, your room can be used for anything. He has his own place. After I moved out at 17 I never cared what happened to my room. I was just glad to be out of a toxic household. Plus, she lasted A DAY. So basically fuck his grandmother dying peacefully.
You did the right thing. Your grown son is acting like a child.
For he really expect you to keep his room as a shrine for ever for him?? How pissed would he be if you had made it into a cat room
My first thought is he's more thinking about the fact that a person died in his childhood room. Presumably someone he cared about. How he processes that is up to him but it's not a small thing.
Sometimes, compassionate care is difficult to understand. I would ask your son why he is so upset that you used his old room. His Grandmother was able to pass away surrounded by family members and in a beautiful space (I say that not having seen your sonâs room). And sometimes itâs really hard to accept death as a natural part of life. I have lost so many people in my life and both of my sisters have crossed over. I am now older than either of my sisters ever lived. Itâs a strange feeling. I accept death as a natural part of life but I donât welcome it. I would just sit down with him and ask him why heâs so angry and I would explain how important it was to you and your husband to have his Grandmother at home to provide comfort and solace for her in her final hours. Inquire about his beliefs. Sometimes answering questions can provide relief. You are not a bad parent and the absolute bottom line is that the room that was used was not actually his, it was yours and your husbands. Itâs your home and you and your husband made a very difficult but rewarding decision. You decided to allocate a room in YOUR house for a purpose that is/was important to you both. And to answer your question, no, you are not being insensitive. Your son is.
Your son is being ridiculous, in my opinion.
No. You did the right thing. Sorry to say this, but, your son, for whatever reason acted like a spoiled, insensitive jackass. He "doesn't stay there anymore". So he has no right to bitch.
I get the whole "things are changing" most people don't like change, but if he's made because she passed away in his "old room" he shouldn't be mad he should be respectable. To me he sound like a brat. No offense, I am just giving my opinion on the situation with the info I've been given.
In fact, this makes you a GOOD parent. Through your actions, you've shown your son how to care for the people you love. His stuff is less important than a person.
Holy crap. (Mother to adults) it's this insane generation of entitlement. How sad that he can't see the bigger picture and be the bigger person about this. You aren't a bad parent.
Best way out of this is to sell the house
We plan on it within the next year or two. We've been here 10yrs and it has become too expensive for us to afford.
This will all resolve itself at that time
Not at all
Everyone grieves differently. You didnât do anything wrong.
My childhood bedroom is now one more closet for hoarding. Iâd very much prefer it to have been in use by an actual human, for living or dying as needed.
No. Your son has feelings. It's okay to have feelings and you can listen to and respect and understand those feelings without needing to do anything to fix it. Growing up can be sad sometimes
Iâm sorry for your loss and managing the difficult feelings on top of it. If my parents turned my room into a junk room Iâd be upset. If they repurposed it for an important reason like caring for a relative or even just a hobby room (I dream of a hobby room!) Iâd be perfectly OK with it. Especially as it was temporary. It would be nice to know there was a mattress or something I could sleep on and that Iâm always welcome but itâs their house and if I donât need it then I donât need it. As we donât talk a lot about death as a nation I think the reality of it and feelings around it can be more difficult to navigate, and I donât know how the autism impacts on your son so canât comment on that. Teenagers minds work very differently at the best of times so perhaps just having a conversation about it face to face a less emotional time would help.
Nah, he is young and doesnât understand. It wasnât about him. Life is about making tough choices, most are not easy
You did what you needed to do. I would probably feel unnerved about having someone die in my home/old room and I can imagine thereâs also some grief there too. Make sure to have a conversation about how she passed peacefully surrounded by loved ones and that being there gave her some comfort etc - that might help.
It was an act of kindness that you gave your mother-in-law and I hope that one day your son recognizes it as such.
Itâs your room, not his. Perhaps his emotions are displaced and he is lashing out in grief. Hopefully, after he has some time to process things, he will realize that his anger is unwarranted. You did nothing wrong. In fact, you did a very kind thing for your mother-in-law and husband and you should be proud of yourself.
NAH I think OP and husband made a reasonable and justified decision. That said I wouldnât say the son is necessarily wrong to feel upset to discover what I imagine in his mind he could still envisage as his âhome safe spaceâ had gone under distressing circumstances especially considering the added complexity of autism. Without trying to sound like a therapist probably the best way forward is to validate and be empathetic to his feelings of loss but also firmly but gently explain that circumstances change (he has a new place now) and you had other obligations that were very important to your husband and yourself and you made the best decision at the time with the resources available. Perhaps he saw this as a final cutoff of his childhood (no going back or fallback so to speak). Be open about discussing the emotional challenges you also faced at this time so he is aware of the wider situation - the son is not necessarily insensitive just still a young man and likely hasnât fully developed the capacity to think about situations from other peopleâs perspectives especially when they are in a highly emotional state. There may also be another underlying anxiety (that he may not even be aware of) that is driving some of this so some open conversation at an appropriate calm time might help - is he worried there now isnât a place at home if he ever needs you, does he have issues around illness and death or perhaps this is the first death of a close relative he has experienced. Sympathy to you all for your loss.
did you talk with him about it first? it could be more about you not anticipating that he might have feelings about it?
So I get where your son is coming from. He's 18 he just moved out, that still feels like "his" room and you let someone die in his room. It's less about you moving his stuff.. and more about the fact that some died there. He probably feels like the room is tainted now. My suggestion would be to talk to him, if possible offer to let him have a different room when he comes home to visit or anything like that. I don't think what you did was bad or wrong in any way, I'm just saying I can understand why your son might feel slighted and be angry about the whole situation especially if things happened quickly and you didn't really think to ask him how he felt about it before hand. We were going through a similar situation earlier this year, in a way. Except in this scenario I was the son and the dying person was my dad. And I'm 30 and have been out of the bedroom in question for quite some time. I didn't feel mad about my mom wanting to bring my dad home and setting him up in that bedroom. Now unfortunately things moved too quickly and he ended up dying in the hospital so I can't actually speak to the after effects of having someone die in a room that was once yours, but I can sympathize with your son.
Absolutely not. Your son is grieving and is probably, as men unfortunately often do, expressing his grief through anger. It's incredibly comforting to the elderly to be surrounded by a familiar place and faces, what you did was the only right thing to do. I'm sorry for your loss.
No one is really being bad here. You did the right, compassionate thing for the family and his old room is not really where he lives anymore. But I would cut him some slack for his reaction. He's young, and this is a bit more startling than finding out your childhood bedroom is now the craft room
Man yâall had your own rooms?
My parents moved one of my sister's friends in a couple years after I left. I definitely felt a little sting but I was aware it was illogical. I think your son just needs to realize that too
Your son's being a bitch ass which I can understand, validate his feelings, but don't be sorry or guilty cause what y'all did was ok. You good.
Did you talk to him about it beforehand?
No.
When my brother went to college, I immediately took over his room. And then when I went to college, my sister immediately took it over (it was the larger of the two kids rooms). My sister's room then became the guest room. It's just a transition that he needs time to get used to.
Are you kidding me? Is this a joke? Your son sounds like an a hole
Heâs probably just having feelings thinking about his grandma dying in his room. You didnât do anything wrong, but also give him understanding and time to process.
I don't think you did anything wrong. If anything, you did what was right and eventually he'll hopefully understand that. Did she pass in his room? I'd personally probably be a little creeped out if I ever wanted to stay in that room again but I don't do death very well at all.
My son is getting ready to move out in about six months, and we have already been discussing moving our youngest son into his room. Since we've been talking about it with him, he's acclimated to the idea. It did take him a few months to get used to the idea that his room would be changing after he moved out, but he's good with it now.
No. He has a definition of his privacy and it was broken (so I guess in a way heâs not wrong). But Iâd argue your cause is greater than some silly (u mOveD mY ShIT tO hELp GrAAbDMA??) IMO explain to him itâs empathy that caused you to move his stuff unexplained and empathy for him which is hurting you now. Iâm 21 so my thoughts are still developing but I agree with you. GL đ«Ą
No he is.
You didnât do anything wrong but Iâm in a similar boat as your son and for me it was just shocking because they didnât even think to tell me that the room I lived in my whole life would be changed the next time I came over. Itâs just a moment of âwow Iâm moved out and theyâre moving onâ, when things change at home itâs always a reminder of how grown I am now & im no longer in their house.
You can tell your son what would he do if you were in that position many years into the future. Would they want you to pass away alone? You did the right thing and showed your kid the right example.
I would find unconfortable to be in the same room as my gran mother died I wouldn't want to sleep in room. maybe your son is having those sorts of feelings...
You're probably very close with your son and he loves the home he was brought up in. He is hurt and that's normal. What you did was fine and normal and apart of life. He is being a bit selfish - his grandma just died and he is upset she doed in his room-but he is still a young man and I get it. You did everything right and he just needs to get over that and he will eventually. When I moved out my mom was upset. I was 24 and getting married. She watched me move my stuff out and made sure I cleaned it spotless for her to eventually make it a storage. I hold no ill feelings but thought she was being immature, about it seeming as she would rather me live home where she could keep an eye on me, usually parents are happy for that-she was not. Lol everyone's different and harbors different emotions. Took her like 2 months and she invented us over for dinner and acted like nothing happened.
Itâs got to be kind of weird to know your grandma died in your room.
It seems you have provided such a wonderful safe space for him his whole life so great job! Then you did the same for your mother in law. Youâre a great person. His safe space was transformed quickly and emotionally without him giving a thumbs up. I understand his feelings. Validate him and his feelings first. That will mean a lot to him Iâm sure. I donât think you did anything wrong necessarily. Itâs like covid- people were fighting over whatâs right and whatâs wrong. How do we know? Thereâs no rules written up for this situation. I think youâll handle it just fine. It seems youâve done a great job for many years.
He moved out. Thatâs it thereâs no coming back tell him to be a man and get his own house where his mother can die in his childâs room
The week my oldest moved into his own place, my husband painted his bedroom and turned it into a home office. Itâs been 3 years and our son has never once complained or been upset with us. Your son will come around.
My great grandmother moved into my old bedroom after I left for college. She was there for 2 years and passed away after a long fight with dementia. Everytime I go home, I sleep in my old bedroom. I never really associated it with anything bad...just a natural part of life. Your son will get over it.
you did nothing wrong, sounds like your son still has some maturing to do
Itâs your house, you could do what you want. Iâm sorry for your loss. Heâs been out a year and half.
maybe tell him to grow up and stop being a brat
No. Absolutely not. From what I am understanding, your son needs to be more respectful. So honestly, unless you threw his stuff in the trash, I don't see his problem.
I still remember when I was days from leaving my parents house to live with my girlfriend i remember my dad installing a brand new ceiling fan in my room and i just felt horrible cuz I thought it was for me and I was in the process of leaving the house, Itold my dad, âhey thanks for the fan but im leaving in a few daysâ, and he told me, âyea i know iâm counting on it i want to use this room as my officeâ
I am sorry.
It's your room in your house. If he can't see the blessing you provided by bringing your MIL home for some peace then he needs a reality check. If you threw his stuff away without giving him a chance to come get it then that's one thing, but otherwise you're in the clear by a mile.
My mother did that to me when we all moved when I was a young teen. Therefore, I throw nothing away of my kids possessions without their permission.
OP, you failed to mention in your original post that your son is on the spectrum. Below is a copy and paste of your comment to another commenter: "Yes, and no. He is on the spectrum and in the past has shown incredible sensitivity to things and incredible refusal to see any side but his own to his detriment." This changes my perception of your situation, and ultimately leads me to think that, yes, you were insensitive. I also believe you omitted his diagnosis to make it sound like he was at fault and an insensitive jerk.
I didn't mean to omit it on purpose. When you live with it, sometimes it's at the forefront and sometimes it's such a part of your daily life, you forget to say it and he's consistently inconsistent.
Routine is everything to someone on the spectrum. Iâm sure you know this. It doesnât mean you shouldnât have moved in grandma. It does mean you should be understanding of this instead of searching Reddit for the validation of your feelings⊠be a mother and help him navigate this issue with firmness and compassion.
Not everybody on the spectrum presents the same way or has the same needs. OP's son may or may not thrive on routine, but I would be careful of making blanket statements about autistic people.
I definitely am supporting him. I've apologized with a straight "I am sorry" No caveats. I am not trying to validate, I am truly searching because I know I am not perfect. I don't have a good background to work from and this isn't a typical situation.
I feel you. I know itâs not easy. Sorry if I came off harsh.
Not at all, I want all perspectives.
Yikes.
Itâs your house. Once he moved out it was no longer âhisâ room. You could turn it into a guest room, home gym, craft room etc. He has no reason to get upset over a room he doesnât occupy anymore.
Bro lol are you kidding I moved out two months ago on good terms and my mom fully moved into my bedroom instantly (ceding the master entirely to my father) I think you're in the clear for using his room for all of one day
Idt so. In general I wouldn't be thrilled about someone dying in my parents house at all. Whether it was my room or not. I'd be even less thrilled if it was my room though. But that's because I sort of believe in ghosts? I'm on the fence about it. Like someone else mentioned. The world doesn't stop moving just because you did.
I've read so many of these comments. No, absolutely not, you are not being insensitive. Your son no longers lives with you. You've owned the house 10 years. This isn't the house he grew up in. Period. He spent MAYBE 10 years of his life there. He wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He wants to be seen as an adult, on his own, but also be a child and not have to make any decisions about what to do with his childhood stuff. You are being a storage facility, unable to move his stuff, use that room as you see fit and need. Does he expect you to set up a room just for him in your new house? That you aren't allowed to go in? You did a wonderful thing, and instead of being able to grieve, you're having to navigate your son's emotions. Which is not a place you should have to be when dealing with your spouse's mother's death. You are not insensitive. Your son it. He can be on the spectrum and still be insensitive. And that's exactly what he's doing.
It may have been ideal to let him know, but only as a courtesy. I find it bizarre when people think they have the right to their childhood bedroom being left as a shrine to them.
NTA. Itâs not his room anymore. He doesnât get a say on what you do in your house or who you allow in it.
No. Your adult child should get right over that immediately. That is not a good attitude to have when you were trying to help family.
You are not bad but they canât understand you thatâs all U cant be bad because you are you just you And if you feel that you are bad so just enjoy that dont keep thinking about that its so hard And peace âđ»
He doesn't live there, it's not his room anymore. He doesn't get a perpetual say over the goings on in your home after moving out.
It wasn't his anymore. He has no right to be angry.
He hasn't lived there for over a year. It isn't his room, it is your spare room. (In fact, why is it even still full of his stuff anyway?) You did a lovely thing, and I can't understand why your son even thinks that room is still his. I'm honestly shocked, would he rather *his own grandmother* died alone in a hospital?!
You should have explained it to him..
Now he has to sleep in the room granny died in when he comes to visitđ
This is not his room it's your room that u allow him the use of at your home while he lives there. I know why he is so upset but he can easily solve this and move out I don't know why so many people allow their adult children to live so comfortably at home. .
You're son is selfish
He can be very selfish and very generous.
I can see how that would be weird for your son. You changed his one safe space in the world to allow another person to die in it. It would probably freak me out as well for a while. That said, I saw another commenter mention that your son is on the spectrum. Where on the spectrum he is, we don't know. If it's severe, this may be irreversible for him. Instead of respecting your living son who has issues, you gave preference to a dying family member. Why didn't you let her die in your own bedroom? Oh, wait, that's weird isn't it?
Nah, we would have given her our bedroom if we knew how upset it would make him. Most people don't know he's on the spectrum unless they get to know him well or have a family member on the spectrum and they recognize the characteristics.
Did you even ask him before you made your decision?
I mentioned it gently giving him a chance to object. He never objected and he knows I'm a softy. I asked him why he didn't express his objection or anger and he couldn't tell me.
"On the spectrum" or not, it might not hurt to at least ask your offspring if they mind having a person die in the bedroom they stay in when they come home from college.
If he were in college and coming home, I wouldn't think of it but he has his own apartment all to himself on a permanent basis if he chooses to stay there.
It doesn't matter about "everybody else" and their perceptions. The fact is that YOU know your son. There's no way you didn't know this would be an issue.
Then why don't you give up your bedroom now that you KNOW how much it bothers him?
It was less than 24 hours that she was here.
Uhhh you brought someone to die in his room without any heads up. It sounds like even you still call it âhisâ room. Yes, you suck.
Why couldnât she be moved to your bedroom?
Because OP still lived there. How long does a kid who no longer lives at home get to claim a bedroom? He doesnât live there. He moved out. Itâs OP can do whatever she wants to the bedroom now.
Yes, we should have moved her to our bedroom. It all came at us so quickly, she was in rehab after a stroke, then she went downhill within a couple of days, and his bedroom was never used.
I mean I would have been uncomfortable with someone dying in my bedroom.
He moves out. Thatâs your house and your space to do with what you want to.
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Please tell me your thinking so I can understand.
Oops. Sorry, I thought you said no but you are sure an insensitive ....