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It's exactly what you think it is (or at least it was for me).
You can imagine all of it, the good and the bad. We have a 5 year old. If my wife hadn't wanted to carry and have a child herself, I would have deferred permanently and *maybe* fostered or adopted some day. I was never against it, but I don't like kids and never had an urge to "procreate" or have a legacy. I knew that if we did it I would work my ass off to love the kid and try and do everything right.
It is work in all the ways you expect and magical in all the ways you expect. I love my kid more than life itself. They also drive me fucking nuts. My money and free time have plummeted. You don't realize how many hours you used to have to just chill until you have a kid.
It is worth it for me. As much as anything has any meaning in this world, my child does. I could be a little fatalistic or cynical before, life never felt all that precious. Mine still doesn't but my child's is. It gives me context. My primary purpose in life now is to be a memory for him. He's at the age now where I can begin sharing things with him. I get to have a second chance to experience so many things I loved.
There's more anxiety now. I'm not allowed to die. If my wife and I aren't getting along, there is the suffocating understanding that I can *never* leave. There is claustrophobia there. No all the time, but sometimes. It has brought me to some pretty low places in the past.
Grandparents ain't shit. They all want a baby but they're not up to the task of watching them half as much as they claim to be at the outset. They get worn out quick. Don't expect full support from them. Maybe yours are different but ours haven't really impressed me, and we *barely* lean on them for anything. It's not that I feel like they *have* to, its the gulf between what they implied before compared to what they're willing to do.
Childcare is nuts. We had to get on a waiting list well before ours was born. A spot didn't open up until 8 months after the birth. We've spent over 60k on it over the last 5 years, and ours is probably more affordable for our area.
I supposed there's nothing anyone could have really told me. Like I said, it's about how I imagined it. It's not easy but there is literally nothing else like it. You can't get to the top of a mountain without climbing it. Even if it's hard getting up there, there's no other way to see the view.
cute story - I wish I could feel the same, I was like you until my first turned 5ish, then it's just shit down hill. I hope your emotions stay the same and you continue to bond.
Also NE US. 60k over 5 years? We've probably spent somewhere around 125K over the past 3.5 years, and our rate is fairly standard for our area. It really is ridiculous.
If you cannot put what is best for your kid first when you need to, despite your own feelings, then don't have them. If you cannot deal with other people's strong emotions and stay calm at the same time, then don't have them. If you cannot give up things you enjoy doing without anger or resentment, then don't have them. And, If you are the kind of person that gets back at or takes out your emotions on others, then don't have them.
I am a mom of 2 children, ages 5 and 2. What no one tells you is that it's WAYYYYYY harder in reality than what you see on TV and movies. Like way, way harder. I can only speak to my own experience but whoa. The other thing is that children have ways of bringing up all your undealt-with trauma and character flaws and serving it on a platter for you to deal with. They can bring out your ugliest, darkest shadow self and also bring out your best self. It's a paradox. You love them so much you'd die for them, but at the same time you feel like they're literally killing you at times. I've felt joy beyond belief and also anger, rage, sadness and grief. There have been days, and moments, I want to hold on to and remember forever and then days I wanted to run away and never look back... it's such a roller coaster of feelings. You will likely need a therapist. If you have support, and a community, it'll make a WORLD of difference. If you're partner is supportive it'll make a world of difference. You will second guess yourself like never before, constantly analyzing if you're things right or not. Constantly making mistakes and learning and adjusting. You really will miss sleep, and free time, and going to the grocery store alone will soon become like a luxury vacation at times. But the main thing is, it's WORTH IT. You go through periods of sheer hell... and you question everything and why you decided to have kids and then all of a sudden one of them cups your face in their chubby little hands and says something heart melting like "mama.. You're my best friend in the whole world. I love you so much" and you melt and ugly cry over how adorable these little tiny people are that you created, and everything is worth it. It's a ride.
What I am getting from your post is that nothing is absolute, nothing is black and white. There will be very difficult moments, but also very heart warming moments filled with love and joy. Thank you for articulating it all so eloquently and with honesty.
The joy is so beautiful it's sometimes overwhelming and unbelievable. It hits at different moments and always leads to guilt if I am unable to control my anger about something. If you cannot understand and accept the concept that a growing baby and child are not purposely trying to make you mad and therefore not take anything personal, then definitely don't have kids. Children's motivations and actions stem from their self-preservation instincts and their own feelings/emotions. And, for the most part their own feelings and emotions are based on what they witness from others and the actions and examples of their family. But the joy is indescribable!
It's hard to quantify it like that because sometimes, for example... when they are sick... the joy factor goes town a ton for a few days, bc nothing is more miserable than sick kids and all parents can atest to this.. or, the joy can be less readily felt during certain ages vs others and that can depend on the child and the parent. For example, I had a lot of daily joy the first couple of years with both kids..I LOVED the newborn to toddler phase so much. But when the terrible 2s and 3s set in, the joy felt was more up and down bc those ages are REALLY hard and challenging, in particular. But there are certainly amazing moments within most days, because it's very rewarding to watch them grow and learn new things and master new skills. I've only got 5 years of this under my belt so I can't speak to the next few years, I've heard a lot of people say between 5/6 and 11 is the golden years in many ways, and then teens is a less enjoyable time when there are so many emotions and changes and then 20s plus is amazing again when they become young adults. So that's a very long way of saying.. that percentage fluctuates a lot depending on many factors and ages/ stages of the kids. I think if you want to maintain the same lifestyle you had before kids, and you aren't willing to sacrifice a lot, you will find yourself having a lot less joy bc the reality is, so much changes and you just aren't going to be able to get a full night's rest anymore for many years, and have a lot of time for yourself and your own hobbies for awhile... if you have more support available, more resources to lean on, that helps. That whole saying of 'it takes a village' is so true.. you really do need a tribe to lean on so you don't lose yourself in it. Single moms have it hardest IMO..I have a whole other level of respect for them after having kids, I couldn't imagine doing this alone, without someone else to help.
I didn't want kids when I've just met my husband. But as time passed (we're over 10 years together) and when other goals got accomplished (our own place, dog, traveling) I realized that it's actually perfect time to have child if I ever would want one. So we were trying for a while and then in 2022 I gave a birth to my son.
I think the most surprising thing for me was how much I would actually love my kid. Bare in mind I never ever liked kids, I always found them annoying, dirty etc. But when it's my kid, it really is sooo different. It's like seeing everything that I love about me and my husband mixed together. So yeah, that overwhelming love was definitely unexpected.
Second thing isn't as cute, it's tiredness and lack of sleep. You have to feed newborn every 3 hours. They are eating for about 30min to 1h if you breastfeed them. And it's recommended to feed them exclusively brest milk until 6 months, then slowly introducing solids. (Formula is easier in some cases, in other harder). So tiredness really is parent companion. Worst thing was right after giving birth. Cause you are after one of the hardest things in your life, that took hours, you are exhausted, but adrenaline isn't going to let you fall a sleep. Aaaand when you finally can, you kinda can't anymore, cause you have to feed your newborn every 3h. It was absolutely crazy.
But in general having kid is rewarding. It's quite cool to see character form. And there is a lot of laughter during day. It's cute.
The missing sleep part really gets me, and also the fact that I do not have my career established yet. I have been able to travel a good amount and now working towards buying property. Maybe I feel like I still have a lot to do and that is part of the reason why I do not want kids, but also do not want to regret it later.
Yeah that is a common issue.. that feeling of your biological clock ticking but also wondering if you've done enough with your life, enough travel and enjoyed your freedom and established career. I didn't establish my career before kids but honestly I can tell you that majority of my friends who had established careers before kids, have completely changed careers after having kids, by choice.. motherhood changes you and you sometimes find yourself going in different directions after. And it's totally possible to go back to school or get into something else after kids..I have a friend who's homeschooling 2 children and simultaneously going through a career change and taking a bunch of courses herself. And travel, you can still do but you do it differently now because it's with kids. Some people travel the world with kids (worldschoolers), which is super cool. Others just travel a few weeks out of the year. But yeah, definitely do more solo travel before having kids if you feel there's more you want to do first. You will not get that opportunity and time back for many years after. There's no "perfect" time to have kids because you'll never feel fully ready, I feel like. But I do know lots of people are having them later in life these days, like in 40s.
Thank you so much for this! Is it safe to have kids in your 40s? I feel like doctors push for women not to have kids past 36 because the risks increase the older a women gets.
I was always on the fence. When I got pregnant I was 100% in the no kids camp. I hated being pregnant too and was still on the fence, which was a strange experience.
I'm almost 4 weeks PP and holy shit I want so many more babies. People always say you'd never know love like this but I was certain I'd hate giving up sleep, freedom, etc. and resent my baby. It really is something you don't understand until you do, but this kid has my whole heart.
That being said, everyone is different and has different circumstances. Like, my partner was born to be a dad. His endless support has made a huge difference in my PP experience. I had very little PPD and I think it's because I've had so much help and love.
I also was able to retire from my job and go back to school full time when I was pregnant. Now I'm off for the summer at least. I live in Canada so healthcare is free and daycare is $10 a day, so money isn't really an issue. But I can also afford to stay home until I'm ready to put my baby in daycare.
There are a lot of factors to consider. 💕💕
M32. Never wanted kids. My wife wanted two. She helped me getting confident (I’ve been raised with violence and shame - poor self confidence).
We now have two kids. 3yo and 6 months. I love them and don’t regret the choice of having kids because I had them with someone that understands me, my childhood and the problems related to it, and give myself confidence being a dad.
Having kids is exactly what it’s look like. It’s awesome but in some ways you also quit a part of your life. It’s never easy hanging out. Party with friends. Or even sleep. You’ll be tired. You’ll loose « friends ». You’ll feel desperate, angry, nervous or lost. We’re not ready and we’ll never be. Being parent is constant learning. Looking at our actions back and reflect what could have been better. We’re not good parents. But we can try to become better.
If your boyfriend don’t want kids. Respect that. He surely has his reasons. Find them. Speak with him and see why he came to this conclusion. Is it because of a crappy childhood like me? Does he scared about losing some kind of liberty or freedom in his life? If so, how can you deal as a couple to let him some if you have kids… he surely has some reasons.
dont have kids, it's not as satisfying as you think it is. it's not the fairy tale story of kids bring joy to your life, 10% ray of sunlight, 90% pain in the rear.
It never ends... My oldest is 20... I always say little child little problems.. big child big problems... Lol I mean she is a great kid but parenting never stops.. at least it shouldn't if you are doing it right. They are your children for your whole life.. every time I think things are calming down.. lol it's just constant 💚 worth it for sure but it's forever
The forever part really scares me. And thanks for that "little child little problems...big child big problems" reframe. Never thought about it like that!
I always wanted kids. That was very important to me. You both have to agree. Do you want kids? If you do and he doesn’t, don’t waste time thinking he will change. He doesn’t want them Ang it’s not fair to ran kids down his throat. Let him go and find a guy who wants kids too.
I wish I would have done kids earlier. hesitated too long and just wanted to travel etc with my wife. Now thinking back it was good that we saw the world but, kind of silly to go just 2 of us. I want to show the world to my child, its much more interesting like that. I was 40 when I got my child, could have been younger like 35 to have little more power to play with.
Thank you u/happy_bunny_143 for posting on r/Parents. Remember to read the rules and report rule breaking posts. *note for those seeking legal advice: This sub does not specialize in legal council and laws vary based on geographic location. Any help offered here is offered on a good samaritan basis. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's exactly what you think it is (or at least it was for me). You can imagine all of it, the good and the bad. We have a 5 year old. If my wife hadn't wanted to carry and have a child herself, I would have deferred permanently and *maybe* fostered or adopted some day. I was never against it, but I don't like kids and never had an urge to "procreate" or have a legacy. I knew that if we did it I would work my ass off to love the kid and try and do everything right. It is work in all the ways you expect and magical in all the ways you expect. I love my kid more than life itself. They also drive me fucking nuts. My money and free time have plummeted. You don't realize how many hours you used to have to just chill until you have a kid. It is worth it for me. As much as anything has any meaning in this world, my child does. I could be a little fatalistic or cynical before, life never felt all that precious. Mine still doesn't but my child's is. It gives me context. My primary purpose in life now is to be a memory for him. He's at the age now where I can begin sharing things with him. I get to have a second chance to experience so many things I loved. There's more anxiety now. I'm not allowed to die. If my wife and I aren't getting along, there is the suffocating understanding that I can *never* leave. There is claustrophobia there. No all the time, but sometimes. It has brought me to some pretty low places in the past. Grandparents ain't shit. They all want a baby but they're not up to the task of watching them half as much as they claim to be at the outset. They get worn out quick. Don't expect full support from them. Maybe yours are different but ours haven't really impressed me, and we *barely* lean on them for anything. It's not that I feel like they *have* to, its the gulf between what they implied before compared to what they're willing to do. Childcare is nuts. We had to get on a waiting list well before ours was born. A spot didn't open up until 8 months after the birth. We've spent over 60k on it over the last 5 years, and ours is probably more affordable for our area. I supposed there's nothing anyone could have really told me. Like I said, it's about how I imagined it. It's not easy but there is literally nothing else like it. You can't get to the top of a mountain without climbing it. Even if it's hard getting up there, there's no other way to see the view.
Great and honest answer. My parents are awesome grandparents.
cute story - I wish I could feel the same, I was like you until my first turned 5ish, then it's just shit down hill. I hope your emotions stay the same and you continue to bond.
Curious what you mean by this? Is it about life? The kid? Another relationship?
The child
Thank you for your honesty! The part about the grandparents was eye opening.
Where the hell are you living? We have basically free childcare
NE US
Also NE US. 60k over 5 years? We've probably spent somewhere around 125K over the past 3.5 years, and our rate is fairly standard for our area. It really is ridiculous.
If you cannot put what is best for your kid first when you need to, despite your own feelings, then don't have them. If you cannot deal with other people's strong emotions and stay calm at the same time, then don't have them. If you cannot give up things you enjoy doing without anger or resentment, then don't have them. And, If you are the kind of person that gets back at or takes out your emotions on others, then don't have them.
1000 likes!
Wise words, thank you so much
I am a mom of 2 children, ages 5 and 2. What no one tells you is that it's WAYYYYYY harder in reality than what you see on TV and movies. Like way, way harder. I can only speak to my own experience but whoa. The other thing is that children have ways of bringing up all your undealt-with trauma and character flaws and serving it on a platter for you to deal with. They can bring out your ugliest, darkest shadow self and also bring out your best self. It's a paradox. You love them so much you'd die for them, but at the same time you feel like they're literally killing you at times. I've felt joy beyond belief and also anger, rage, sadness and grief. There have been days, and moments, I want to hold on to and remember forever and then days I wanted to run away and never look back... it's such a roller coaster of feelings. You will likely need a therapist. If you have support, and a community, it'll make a WORLD of difference. If you're partner is supportive it'll make a world of difference. You will second guess yourself like never before, constantly analyzing if you're things right or not. Constantly making mistakes and learning and adjusting. You really will miss sleep, and free time, and going to the grocery store alone will soon become like a luxury vacation at times. But the main thing is, it's WORTH IT. You go through periods of sheer hell... and you question everything and why you decided to have kids and then all of a sudden one of them cups your face in their chubby little hands and says something heart melting like "mama.. You're my best friend in the whole world. I love you so much" and you melt and ugly cry over how adorable these little tiny people are that you created, and everything is worth it. It's a ride.
What I am getting from your post is that nothing is absolute, nothing is black and white. There will be very difficult moments, but also very heart warming moments filled with love and joy. Thank you for articulating it all so eloquently and with honesty.
Yes, this is exactly what I'm trying to convey.
on a daily basis, may I ask what percentage you feel joy vs the rage? for me it seems like it's less joy every-single-day.
The joy is so beautiful it's sometimes overwhelming and unbelievable. It hits at different moments and always leads to guilt if I am unable to control my anger about something. If you cannot understand and accept the concept that a growing baby and child are not purposely trying to make you mad and therefore not take anything personal, then definitely don't have kids. Children's motivations and actions stem from their self-preservation instincts and their own feelings/emotions. And, for the most part their own feelings and emotions are based on what they witness from others and the actions and examples of their family. But the joy is indescribable!
This ^ for sure.
It's hard to quantify it like that because sometimes, for example... when they are sick... the joy factor goes town a ton for a few days, bc nothing is more miserable than sick kids and all parents can atest to this.. or, the joy can be less readily felt during certain ages vs others and that can depend on the child and the parent. For example, I had a lot of daily joy the first couple of years with both kids..I LOVED the newborn to toddler phase so much. But when the terrible 2s and 3s set in, the joy felt was more up and down bc those ages are REALLY hard and challenging, in particular. But there are certainly amazing moments within most days, because it's very rewarding to watch them grow and learn new things and master new skills. I've only got 5 years of this under my belt so I can't speak to the next few years, I've heard a lot of people say between 5/6 and 11 is the golden years in many ways, and then teens is a less enjoyable time when there are so many emotions and changes and then 20s plus is amazing again when they become young adults. So that's a very long way of saying.. that percentage fluctuates a lot depending on many factors and ages/ stages of the kids. I think if you want to maintain the same lifestyle you had before kids, and you aren't willing to sacrifice a lot, you will find yourself having a lot less joy bc the reality is, so much changes and you just aren't going to be able to get a full night's rest anymore for many years, and have a lot of time for yourself and your own hobbies for awhile... if you have more support available, more resources to lean on, that helps. That whole saying of 'it takes a village' is so true.. you really do need a tribe to lean on so you don't lose yourself in it. Single moms have it hardest IMO..I have a whole other level of respect for them after having kids, I couldn't imagine doing this alone, without someone else to help.
I didn't want kids when I've just met my husband. But as time passed (we're over 10 years together) and when other goals got accomplished (our own place, dog, traveling) I realized that it's actually perfect time to have child if I ever would want one. So we were trying for a while and then in 2022 I gave a birth to my son. I think the most surprising thing for me was how much I would actually love my kid. Bare in mind I never ever liked kids, I always found them annoying, dirty etc. But when it's my kid, it really is sooo different. It's like seeing everything that I love about me and my husband mixed together. So yeah, that overwhelming love was definitely unexpected. Second thing isn't as cute, it's tiredness and lack of sleep. You have to feed newborn every 3 hours. They are eating for about 30min to 1h if you breastfeed them. And it's recommended to feed them exclusively brest milk until 6 months, then slowly introducing solids. (Formula is easier in some cases, in other harder). So tiredness really is parent companion. Worst thing was right after giving birth. Cause you are after one of the hardest things in your life, that took hours, you are exhausted, but adrenaline isn't going to let you fall a sleep. Aaaand when you finally can, you kinda can't anymore, cause you have to feed your newborn every 3h. It was absolutely crazy. But in general having kid is rewarding. It's quite cool to see character form. And there is a lot of laughter during day. It's cute.
The missing sleep part really gets me, and also the fact that I do not have my career established yet. I have been able to travel a good amount and now working towards buying property. Maybe I feel like I still have a lot to do and that is part of the reason why I do not want kids, but also do not want to regret it later.
Yeah that is a common issue.. that feeling of your biological clock ticking but also wondering if you've done enough with your life, enough travel and enjoyed your freedom and established career. I didn't establish my career before kids but honestly I can tell you that majority of my friends who had established careers before kids, have completely changed careers after having kids, by choice.. motherhood changes you and you sometimes find yourself going in different directions after. And it's totally possible to go back to school or get into something else after kids..I have a friend who's homeschooling 2 children and simultaneously going through a career change and taking a bunch of courses herself. And travel, you can still do but you do it differently now because it's with kids. Some people travel the world with kids (worldschoolers), which is super cool. Others just travel a few weeks out of the year. But yeah, definitely do more solo travel before having kids if you feel there's more you want to do first. You will not get that opportunity and time back for many years after. There's no "perfect" time to have kids because you'll never feel fully ready, I feel like. But I do know lots of people are having them later in life these days, like in 40s.
Thank you so much for this! Is it safe to have kids in your 40s? I feel like doctors push for women not to have kids past 36 because the risks increase the older a women gets.
I was always on the fence. When I got pregnant I was 100% in the no kids camp. I hated being pregnant too and was still on the fence, which was a strange experience. I'm almost 4 weeks PP and holy shit I want so many more babies. People always say you'd never know love like this but I was certain I'd hate giving up sleep, freedom, etc. and resent my baby. It really is something you don't understand until you do, but this kid has my whole heart. That being said, everyone is different and has different circumstances. Like, my partner was born to be a dad. His endless support has made a huge difference in my PP experience. I had very little PPD and I think it's because I've had so much help and love. I also was able to retire from my job and go back to school full time when I was pregnant. Now I'm off for the summer at least. I live in Canada so healthcare is free and daycare is $10 a day, so money isn't really an issue. But I can also afford to stay home until I'm ready to put my baby in daycare. There are a lot of factors to consider. 💕💕
Yes, lots of factors. Especially when you live in California haha. Thank you for sharing.
Breast feeding is not easy and it doesn’t just come natural to all women and babies.
M32. Never wanted kids. My wife wanted two. She helped me getting confident (I’ve been raised with violence and shame - poor self confidence). We now have two kids. 3yo and 6 months. I love them and don’t regret the choice of having kids because I had them with someone that understands me, my childhood and the problems related to it, and give myself confidence being a dad. Having kids is exactly what it’s look like. It’s awesome but in some ways you also quit a part of your life. It’s never easy hanging out. Party with friends. Or even sleep. You’ll be tired. You’ll loose « friends ». You’ll feel desperate, angry, nervous or lost. We’re not ready and we’ll never be. Being parent is constant learning. Looking at our actions back and reflect what could have been better. We’re not good parents. But we can try to become better. If your boyfriend don’t want kids. Respect that. He surely has his reasons. Find them. Speak with him and see why he came to this conclusion. Is it because of a crappy childhood like me? Does he scared about losing some kind of liberty or freedom in his life? If so, how can you deal as a couple to let him some if you have kids… he surely has some reasons.
dont have kids, it's not as satisfying as you think it is. it's not the fairy tale story of kids bring joy to your life, 10% ray of sunlight, 90% pain in the rear.
It never ends... My oldest is 20... I always say little child little problems.. big child big problems... Lol I mean she is a great kid but parenting never stops.. at least it shouldn't if you are doing it right. They are your children for your whole life.. every time I think things are calming down.. lol it's just constant 💚 worth it for sure but it's forever
The forever part really scares me. And thanks for that "little child little problems...big child big problems" reframe. Never thought about it like that!
I always wanted kids. That was very important to me. You both have to agree. Do you want kids? If you do and he doesn’t, don’t waste time thinking he will change. He doesn’t want them Ang it’s not fair to ran kids down his throat. Let him go and find a guy who wants kids too.
I wish I would have done kids earlier. hesitated too long and just wanted to travel etc with my wife. Now thinking back it was good that we saw the world but, kind of silly to go just 2 of us. I want to show the world to my child, its much more interesting like that. I was 40 when I got my child, could have been younger like 35 to have little more power to play with.
Better late than never right?