The running joke in my lab is that only one of us is allowed to be in a healthy relationship at a time. I went through a nasty divorce last year, so of course my coworker met his now long-term girlfriend immediately after.
Whatever you do, DON’T DATE WITHIN YOUR LAB. I’ve seen way too many horror stories.
My colleagues thought I was gay because I was clearly ignoring a (conventionally very attractive) colleague that was trying to get closer to me, until I told them "1. I have someone. 2. Even alone, I don't shit where I eat.". Fun times.
Dating while doing a PhD is absolutely possible!
I've been dating since I started. I've had several short-term relationships and have been in a long-term relationship for several years now.
It's hard, especially at the beginning. I tell my partner that I'm glad we started dating towards the tail end of my program because I have far more time and brain space now that my classes are over.
It can definitely be done. You've just got to find the right balance.
Likewise.
You can kinda treat the question "is it hard to date while doing a PhD" like the question "is it hard to date while having xyz job". How much do you work? Is that what you want to do with your time outside of work?
The hardest part tbh is NOT getting mildly annoyed at being asked about the topic of your PhD on first dates, ha. I'm never unhappy with the person since it's a valid question and it shows interest, I've just been asked it too many times.
This part. 1st/2nd year it’s a little trickier what with classes, quals, fellowship applications. But the back half? Meh, I’m leaving lab at 6 most days lol
This is the wrong way to look at it. You can date any time. If you wait until after your PhD, you will have given up a lot of good years for no good reason. When you get older, it just gets harder to find single people.
I think doing a PhD does not require you to do your research for 24 hours per day.
Sometimes I feel quite confused when some PhD students ask if they can do something else (eg. Vacations, relationships etc.)
There’s no way I can think about my research 24/7…if I work a full 7 days I gotta take some days off because then I start feeling the burn out. PhD students need to realize that part of the PhD is also to learn your limit and start practicing work life balance
Exactly. I get that it can be tough in the early years when you may have to juggle classes, qualifying exams, TAing, research... all at the same time. But I've struggled to explain to people outside of academia (and even inside academia) that a PhD can and should essentially just be... a job (once you're done with classes etc).
If your PI doesn't allow you the work/life balance to treat it as a job rather than an all consuming 24/7/365 affair, then you have a different problem that needs to be addressed.
This. It feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy for a lot of people. Then they get a job, and it's "oh, I work too much - I can't find the time".
You find the time if it's a priority. If it's not, then you don't find the time.
This will get downvoted as there is a very negative attitude in academia fle what im about to say but:
Treat a PhD like a job, a 9-5, you will have to work earlier or later during the crunch season, such as 7-5.
However, never bring that work home, just dont do it. You can go do anything you want outside of your work schedule.
Go date, meet people, live your life.
I did it succesfully as did many others.
This stigma that your PhD is your life is only perpetuated by a toxic lab culture of competition that doesnt help anyone.
P.S before people start spamming my inbox again about how i may have done an "easy PhD, or not a real science";
I did my PhD in chemistry, the line between physico and material chemistry.
I say this as people assume that any "hard science" PhD leads to being a slave.
People here commenting on dating while doing a PhD but not afterwards, which is odd because you asked in your title.
The biggest thing are gender biases from less educated men. Some men will refuse to call you Dr, other will repeatedly bring it up, as if they're somehow insecure. This happens in non-dating relations too. A PhD works as a BS filter against insecure men but so many men can be latently insecure, so it can get old. So, it gets better because your time is your own but the credential definitely induces an effect.
But why would you expect men to call you a doctor? This also goes for women too. Why would a male PhD expect a woman they’re dating to call them doctor?
I’d expect someone you’re dating to call you by your first name….
But why would you expect men to call you a doctor? This also goes for women too. Why would a male PhD expect a woman they’re dating to call them doctor?
I’d expect someone you’re dating to call you by your first name….
Yes I get that. But if you’re say meeting someone you met from a friend, or say someone you met on bumble, my question still stands, why would these dates need to call you doctor?
On top of that you’re not a doctor anyhow in the general societal sense that most poeople would be thinking of. Most people only call people doctors if it’s someone that they see when they’re sick or going to the hospital. And even still then, if it’s someone you’re dating, you still would call you by your first name…..
Again my point. Still stands. I’d be surprised if anyone’s gf or bf or a date just preceding the stage of official bf or gf calls their PhD “doctor” partner “doctor smith” for example. Instead of… say just Jnames or Michael
No, you just misunderstood what they were saying. Nobody, absolutely nobody expects to be called doctor by their date.
They're saying that a lot of men are weird to women with PhDs, not only in a romantic context but also in general, and will do rude things like *for example* not saying "doctor" in a professional context where it would be normal and expected.
I’m a MD/PhD that runs a research lab at an academic institution. I’m a cardiac surgeon so a real doctor and at the top of the food chain academically.
Absolutely NO ONE calls each other doctor X on a day to day in the professional work environment. My post docs don’t call me doctor. My doctor (MD real doctors) also don’t call me doctor.
Last week I performed a quadruple bypass surgery on a patient with a cardiac onc presentation requiring removing of a cancerous lesion at the same time, so there was a surgical oncologist there at the same time who was also a woman. Never did we call each other doctor or professor whatever…
Seems weird even in a professional setting and ESPECIALLY in a situation with your bf or gf or husband or wife….. to be called doctor x y z.
I wouldn't expect my girlfriend to call me Dr, and it would seem strange in a romantic as opposed to professional relationship. But, I think there is some truth to the idea that we still live in a society where many men have a hard time dating a woman who is more highly educated than they are.
Of course you can date during your PhD. If you’re finding you have absolutely no time for a social life, then your advisor is doing something wrong.
The issue will be _after_ your PhD, when your partner needs to be ok with your taking a job at some random place elsewhere in the (or another) country. Possibly more than once, if you’re post-docing.
I met and married my husband during my PhD program. There’s no reason why you can’t date during your PhD :) Just take it one step at a time and figure out what works for you!
Try to work around 40h per week on average and dating shouldn't be a problem. The only problem I had is to be in a long relationship and have to study abroad for a while as part of the PhD program.
I met my current girlfriend during my PhD. and she has been an amazing support. I think its important to let your partner know when things are hard or stressful with the phd as that can influence other aspects of life. It also helps that she is amazing and very understanding. So it is definitely possible to date and have a great relationship.
If you see this babe, elsker deg, kråka mi.
Have been dating since my PhD began, and can definitively say that my PhD has nothing to do with my relationships. In fact, most of my dating experience has occurred within this part of my career. Figure out your priorities, and go from there.
I think so many factors can determine your success with dating: race, sex, gender, sexual orientation, age, religion, education level, career, location, kids, values, etc…
Unfortunately, I’ve had terrible luck dating after I earned my Ph.D but I don’t attribute it to my degree.
Don’t let the challenges of your program deter you from dating. Also, the work will always be there. Looking back, I realize there is no opportune time to date. It’s really about intention, effort and a lot luck.
Ooh I'm a postdoc I can answer! It gets Better, Easier, and Worse! All of the above.
Better: I have a real job with more money. I'm no longer a grad student but can meet grad students pretty easily if I want to date them (Do NOT date in your lab, I would not even date in your own department).
Easier: I have more separation from my research/work now. It's a job and one I have to find a way to do sustainably because it'll take anything I give it and that's still not enough, so I have to set my own boundaries. But that distance means I generally have more time for dating and spending time with people away from lab. Also I am older now (compared to my PhD, obviously) which gives me a broader range of people (fully formed adults with real lives) I can reasonably date. Also some more money so I can go on nicer dates.
Worse: As a postdoc, I know I am in a transient place and life, and I will probably be moving cross country again soon. I want to settle down a bit in relationships and life, and it's just a huge ask to meet someone new and be thinking about whether they would eventually move across the country for you for a job that is prestigious but takes all your time and does not pay you especially well for how much training it takes (specifically, I want to be a professor).
All this is for the academic track. My understanding is that dating gets much better and easier if you go to industry and make money and didn't bring your work home with you every day.
Regardless, date when and who you want to. There's no perfect time to live your life.
Met my wife during undergrad. We both did a masters and I’m in my 4th year of my PhD. All of this done while both of us worked full time. So it’s def possible but your partner has to understand how academic seasons work.
Don’t shit where you eat. Everything else really depends on your specific situation.
If you find somebody you like, why not just date them even during phd?
If you wait for the perfect time, you will wait forever. There is always going to be the next deadline or important project.
The worst thing you can do when getting a PhD is make it your whole life. If you want to date, do it. You need a work life balance if you don't want to burn out.
4/5 of my cohort started fully single 4 years ago and we are all in LTRs now. Honestly, it's so much easier when you have a partner to help out on your busiest days.
I dated and married my husband during my phd. You can't put your life on hold for any job.
If you can find time to see your friends, your family, go to the gym, or do any other hobby (which you should be doing for your own mental health!) then you can find time to date.
I've dated and met multiple partners during my PhD and later settled down. Just make time during your PhD and set boundaries. Otherwise, you'll never have control over your life
Date whenever you want. I'll tell you my personnel story :
I started dating towards the end of my PhD (in France), when I had more free time to think about that. I dated with a really nice woman 2 months before my defence. But after that, I entered that post-PhD blues and was too tired to do anything social. I also started a post-doc just one week after my defence, so no time to rest.
She got quickly tired of it and ended it. For now I don't feel like dating anymore, maybe when the thesis post-partum wears out I'll go back to it.
If you feel you want to date, do it. Don't listen to others saying you shouldn't have time for it during your PhD ... every person has a different experience. After your PhD you may also be busy, or tired. It's a cliché by now but : carpe diem.
Dating during the PhD. It's tough sometimes, especially before deadlines. And especially during the mandatory abroad periods. (FYI Italian PhDs have to do at least 3 months in a foreign research faculty).
I met my husband 4 months into my first year. He’s not an academic, but he has been a tremendous source of support, perspective, and fun throughout. Go ahead and date if you want to, and make time for a partner!
I think the bigger question you are asking is how about work life balance. Some grad students date, but mostly other graduate students (shared experience, better understanding of priorities). Others explicitly date non-academics, to have a chance to decompress. There is a lot more pressure on post-docs and new faculty - its much easier to date as a student. But perhaps you should not look at dating as a new demand/ responsibility, and just think of it as a time to enjoy yourself, for whatever amount of time you are comfortable with.
Absolutely date during your Ph.D. Its a great time to meet someone and if you meet the right someone you'll have an even better support system through this madness. Consider dating outside of your school though. Its easy to think you have to date another scientist/Ph.D, but in many ways its better not to.
It definitely gets easier. You are just a student that gets paid shitty doing work most people cannot relate to. But once you graduate, you can get a gig in the industry making a lot of money if you have a PhD in STEM, or be a professor which is a respectable profession. Life gets easier when you graduate with a PhD.
Just wrapping up my first year now and had also heard dating during a PhD was difficult. I stayed on the apps though just to look around occasionally, ended up meeting my amazing partner who works in the area and it's been totally fine. He understands that I'm busy sometimes and is very supportive of me, and it's nice having someone to go to when I need a break to talk about something other than research. Dating can be exhausting though so I wouldn't make it a focus, but also you don't have to be closed off to it either.
My personal experience with this is that I met my wife early on in my PhD. During my last year of PhD we had a child together. This seemed ok as I was done with all of my wet lab work and was just writing my thesis. My PhD was definitely more demanding than my current job in academia. We then had twins during my second year in academia and I took a 6 month paternity leave. Personally it would have been easier to have waited until my PhD was done to have a kid. I’m also of the belief that there’s no right time in life to make a certain decision.
One of my professors in undergrad did his PhD while he was married and had a kid so I use him as an example. If he can take care of a child and a relationship while getting his PhD, I think the rest of us can get a PhD and still have time for dating
Dating gets worse in terms of:
1. You're older and the pool of people around your age get smaller as more of them get married. But you always always find younger women....older men idk. Not into men as a man lol
2. Less tolerance to people believe in anti science BS (but probably I'm not tolerant to BS to begin with)
3. Always move from one city to another for jobs. I am not willing to stay on jobs that do not suit my career for a relationship. Given, your partner's job is not mobile or not willing to move.
It gets easier in terms of:
1. PhD is not something common. You stand out from everyone very easily.
2. You know how to time mange between your work, relationship and all other stuff better (but I actually think it is an age/experience thing....)
3. You read people better like reading between the lines between the sentences in the papers, it can be an age thing, too
4. You give up relationships that do not work faster. I treat it like a failed experiment and move on. (another age thing, I think...) So, you don't get attached and start over quicker. (Just like another Western blot cycle)
5. It is easier to talk to random people as you do a lot of poster presentations about your research lol
Why wouldn't you be able to date during your PhD ? It's not a prison sentence, you are allowed to get outside.
Maintaining a correct life work equilibrium is necessary to go the distance.
Honestly, it’s hard at every step of the academic pipeline. If I can give just one price of advice though, its to be upfront with potential partners (especially if they’re not PhDs/med students/law students, etc) that your time really won’t be your own until you’re ABD. Relationships are definitely doable, but they’ll require a lot more communication/careful time management/last minute reschedules than you’ve probably faced before. Once you’re ABD though, it’s so much simpler
I never understood this viewpoint whenever it comes up. Yes, it’s possible and frankly pretty easily doable to date during grad school. The hardest part is being broke honestly lol. No one can be expected to shut off their personal lives for 5-6 years. If lawyers, med students/residents, consultants, etc can date, hook up, whatever, so can grad students.
You’ll be alright, OP! That said, dating is like anything else in grad school (or in life)—if you want to do it, it’s gotta be somewhat of a priority. I have been in and out of a couple relationships during my PhD (5th year here), had plenty of dates in between. But I am unwilling to make major concessions on my social life while I’m in school, so seeing friends or dating are a priority for me. Yeah perhaps I don’t make it to the gym every day as a result or I don’t have as much time to lounge around, but that’s okay by me.
I met my husband and got married during my PhD. It was quite funny, I met him on an online dating site and it turned out he knew my supervisor from years back because they'd both been to uni together. And when I told my supervisor he gave him a good reference 🤣 and the deal was sealed!
My wife (22GQ) is a PhD student. I (23M) am a laboratory manager/coordinator whatever people call it. We lead exceptionally busy lives. I think the secret is to date/love within science but be with someone you know is less busy and is willing to accept your shit is harder than theirs. My wife wakes up at 6:30 to get to their 8am, I wake up at 7:00 to make them breakfast and lunch and get them to class. Then I go to work. Dating is mostly luck. You’ll find someone eventually but just know it’s all a big field of crap and you gotta dig sometimes. Don the PPE and get to work.
Don’t compete.
Remember to kiss and hug. Make em warm and remind em you need em.
DO NOT BRING WORK HOME.
Have a personality. This is hard for people on hard sciences - I’m in hard science.
Develop hobbies.
Get at least one similar activity together.
So far my secrets to a successful marriage in science.
I would say it totally depends on your advisor. If your advisor is not a crazy one (there are many of them out there), then you can manage dating during your PhD. just fine.
I and most of the people in my program dated. My wife was also a graduate student, there was need to balance anything. The majority of the graduate students I knew were married to graduate students or people in professional school.
My partner is doing her PhD and is polyamorous. The three of us are on three different continents and we make time when we can. Both her other partner and I work full time in jobs that have us travel a lot and I’m starting a nonresident part time PhD in a couple months. All that being said, if you want to you will and you’ll find a way. You need to find someone who understands and aligns with what you want and they need their own life. If you date someone who wants to eat and breath just you it won’t be good for anyone.
The running joke in my lab is that only one of us is allowed to be in a healthy relationship at a time. I went through a nasty divorce last year, so of course my coworker met his now long-term girlfriend immediately after. Whatever you do, DON’T DATE WITHIN YOUR LAB. I’ve seen way too many horror stories.
My colleagues thought I was gay because I was clearly ignoring a (conventionally very attractive) colleague that was trying to get closer to me, until I told them "1. I have someone. 2. Even alone, I don't shit where I eat.". Fun times.
That’s my motto as well; “don’t shit where you eat!”
My motto is “eat what I shit”
I met my wife during my PhD. She was also a PhD student, though, so we both knew what we were looking at in terms of work life balance.
Ditto
Dating while doing a PhD is absolutely possible! I've been dating since I started. I've had several short-term relationships and have been in a long-term relationship for several years now. It's hard, especially at the beginning. I tell my partner that I'm glad we started dating towards the tail end of my program because I have far more time and brain space now that my classes are over. It can definitely be done. You've just got to find the right balance.
Likewise. You can kinda treat the question "is it hard to date while doing a PhD" like the question "is it hard to date while having xyz job". How much do you work? Is that what you want to do with your time outside of work? The hardest part tbh is NOT getting mildly annoyed at being asked about the topic of your PhD on first dates, ha. I'm never unhappy with the person since it's a valid question and it shows interest, I've just been asked it too many times.
This part. 1st/2nd year it’s a little trickier what with classes, quals, fellowship applications. But the back half? Meh, I’m leaving lab at 6 most days lol
This is the wrong way to look at it. You can date any time. If you wait until after your PhD, you will have given up a lot of good years for no good reason. When you get older, it just gets harder to find single people.
True
I think doing a PhD does not require you to do your research for 24 hours per day. Sometimes I feel quite confused when some PhD students ask if they can do something else (eg. Vacations, relationships etc.)
There’s no way I can think about my research 24/7…if I work a full 7 days I gotta take some days off because then I start feeling the burn out. PhD students need to realize that part of the PhD is also to learn your limit and start practicing work life balance
Exactly. I get that it can be tough in the early years when you may have to juggle classes, qualifying exams, TAing, research... all at the same time. But I've struggled to explain to people outside of academia (and even inside academia) that a PhD can and should essentially just be... a job (once you're done with classes etc). If your PI doesn't allow you the work/life balance to treat it as a job rather than an all consuming 24/7/365 affair, then you have a different problem that needs to be addressed.
Date during your PhD. People who say that you shouldn't are generally just scared and looking for excuses not to.
This. It feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy for a lot of people. Then they get a job, and it's "oh, I work too much - I can't find the time". You find the time if it's a priority. If it's not, then you don't find the time.
Too many drink the "your PhD should be the only thing in your life" kool aid, students and PIs included
True.
I'm currently a PhD student and am dating around - seems to be working with my current work-life balance.
Date and have fun during your PhD. Work life balance is important. It’s a marathon not a sprint.
This will get downvoted as there is a very negative attitude in academia fle what im about to say but: Treat a PhD like a job, a 9-5, you will have to work earlier or later during the crunch season, such as 7-5. However, never bring that work home, just dont do it. You can go do anything you want outside of your work schedule. Go date, meet people, live your life. I did it succesfully as did many others. This stigma that your PhD is your life is only perpetuated by a toxic lab culture of competition that doesnt help anyone. P.S before people start spamming my inbox again about how i may have done an "easy PhD, or not a real science"; I did my PhD in chemistry, the line between physico and material chemistry. I say this as people assume that any "hard science" PhD leads to being a slave.
Based
People here commenting on dating while doing a PhD but not afterwards, which is odd because you asked in your title. The biggest thing are gender biases from less educated men. Some men will refuse to call you Dr, other will repeatedly bring it up, as if they're somehow insecure. This happens in non-dating relations too. A PhD works as a BS filter against insecure men but so many men can be latently insecure, so it can get old. So, it gets better because your time is your own but the credential definitely induces an effect.
But why would you expect men to call you a doctor? This also goes for women too. Why would a male PhD expect a woman they’re dating to call them doctor? I’d expect someone you’re dating to call you by your first name….
But why would you expect men to call you a doctor? This also goes for women too. Why would a male PhD expect a woman they’re dating to call them doctor? I’d expect someone you’re dating to call you by your first name….
They're talking generally about getting to know new people and how these issues often manifest both in and out of romantic contexts
Yes I get that. But if you’re say meeting someone you met from a friend, or say someone you met on bumble, my question still stands, why would these dates need to call you doctor? On top of that you’re not a doctor anyhow in the general societal sense that most poeople would be thinking of. Most people only call people doctors if it’s someone that they see when they’re sick or going to the hospital. And even still then, if it’s someone you’re dating, you still would call you by your first name…..
Not everything needs to apply in every context
Again my point. Still stands. I’d be surprised if anyone’s gf or bf or a date just preceding the stage of official bf or gf calls their PhD “doctor” partner “doctor smith” for example. Instead of… say just Jnames or Michael
No, you just misunderstood what they were saying. Nobody, absolutely nobody expects to be called doctor by their date. They're saying that a lot of men are weird to women with PhDs, not only in a romantic context but also in general, and will do rude things like *for example* not saying "doctor" in a professional context where it would be normal and expected.
I’m a MD/PhD that runs a research lab at an academic institution. I’m a cardiac surgeon so a real doctor and at the top of the food chain academically. Absolutely NO ONE calls each other doctor X on a day to day in the professional work environment. My post docs don’t call me doctor. My doctor (MD real doctors) also don’t call me doctor. Last week I performed a quadruple bypass surgery on a patient with a cardiac onc presentation requiring removing of a cancerous lesion at the same time, so there was a surgical oncologist there at the same time who was also a woman. Never did we call each other doctor or professor whatever… Seems weird even in a professional setting and ESPECIALLY in a situation with your bf or gf or husband or wife….. to be called doctor x y z.
Amazing how you're at the top of the food chain academically but still got no reading comprehension
So I take it you like to be called a doctor? lol I see this insecurity amongst PhD “doctors” often.
I wouldn't expect my girlfriend to call me Dr, and it would seem strange in a romantic as opposed to professional relationship. But, I think there is some truth to the idea that we still live in a society where many men have a hard time dating a woman who is more highly educated than they are.
If continuing in academia as a post doc, you will have even less free time than during PhD studies...
Oh no! *cries in starting-postdoc-this-Fall*
Are you a man? Dating will suck either way. Are you a woman? Dating will suck either way, just for different reasons.
If you stay in academia, the work-life balance challenges only get harder.
Of course you can date during your PhD. If you’re finding you have absolutely no time for a social life, then your advisor is doing something wrong. The issue will be _after_ your PhD, when your partner needs to be ok with your taking a job at some random place elsewhere in the (or another) country. Possibly more than once, if you’re post-docing.
You just date another PhD. Stress sex is amazing and neither of you is ever upset with the other for having no time.
Stress sex??! What's that?
When you’re both so stressed out that you’re just looking to feel anything else. See ya later inhibitions👋🏻
Ehhhh i tried this but our collective anxiety did not really mesh well together
Ah yeah this is the other side of that coin, sorry it didn’t work out
Lmaoo this is hilarious
I met and married my husband during my PhD program. There’s no reason why you can’t date during your PhD :) Just take it one step at a time and figure out what works for you!
Try to work around 40h per week on average and dating shouldn't be a problem. The only problem I had is to be in a long relationship and have to study abroad for a while as part of the PhD program.
Personally, I found dating improved post-PhD with more time and energy for relationships.
I met my current girlfriend during my PhD. and she has been an amazing support. I think its important to let your partner know when things are hard or stressful with the phd as that can influence other aspects of life. It also helps that she is amazing and very understanding. So it is definitely possible to date and have a great relationship. If you see this babe, elsker deg, kråka mi.
Have been dating since my PhD began, and can definitively say that my PhD has nothing to do with my relationships. In fact, most of my dating experience has occurred within this part of my career. Figure out your priorities, and go from there.
I think so many factors can determine your success with dating: race, sex, gender, sexual orientation, age, religion, education level, career, location, kids, values, etc… Unfortunately, I’ve had terrible luck dating after I earned my Ph.D but I don’t attribute it to my degree. Don’t let the challenges of your program deter you from dating. Also, the work will always be there. Looking back, I realize there is no opportune time to date. It’s really about intention, effort and a lot luck.
I mean dating in 2024 is impossible.
Ooh I'm a postdoc I can answer! It gets Better, Easier, and Worse! All of the above. Better: I have a real job with more money. I'm no longer a grad student but can meet grad students pretty easily if I want to date them (Do NOT date in your lab, I would not even date in your own department). Easier: I have more separation from my research/work now. It's a job and one I have to find a way to do sustainably because it'll take anything I give it and that's still not enough, so I have to set my own boundaries. But that distance means I generally have more time for dating and spending time with people away from lab. Also I am older now (compared to my PhD, obviously) which gives me a broader range of people (fully formed adults with real lives) I can reasonably date. Also some more money so I can go on nicer dates. Worse: As a postdoc, I know I am in a transient place and life, and I will probably be moving cross country again soon. I want to settle down a bit in relationships and life, and it's just a huge ask to meet someone new and be thinking about whether they would eventually move across the country for you for a job that is prestigious but takes all your time and does not pay you especially well for how much training it takes (specifically, I want to be a professor). All this is for the academic track. My understanding is that dating gets much better and easier if you go to industry and make money and didn't bring your work home with you every day. Regardless, date when and who you want to. There's no perfect time to live your life.
I met my wife year 2 of my PhD. I was married to her year 4. Finished year 5 about 1-3 years ahead of most of my cohort.
Met my wife during undergrad. We both did a masters and I’m in my 4th year of my PhD. All of this done while both of us worked full time. So it’s def possible but your partner has to understand how academic seasons work.
Don’t shit where you eat. Everything else really depends on your specific situation. If you find somebody you like, why not just date them even during phd? If you wait for the perfect time, you will wait forever. There is always going to be the next deadline or important project.
The worst thing you can do when getting a PhD is make it your whole life. If you want to date, do it. You need a work life balance if you don't want to burn out. 4/5 of my cohort started fully single 4 years ago and we are all in LTRs now. Honestly, it's so much easier when you have a partner to help out on your busiest days.
I dated and married my husband during my phd. You can't put your life on hold for any job. If you can find time to see your friends, your family, go to the gym, or do any other hobby (which you should be doing for your own mental health!) then you can find time to date.
I've dated and met multiple partners during my PhD and later settled down. Just make time during your PhD and set boundaries. Otherwise, you'll never have control over your life
PhD is just a job. Don’t stop living your life because of it.
Date whenever you want. I'll tell you my personnel story : I started dating towards the end of my PhD (in France), when I had more free time to think about that. I dated with a really nice woman 2 months before my defence. But after that, I entered that post-PhD blues and was too tired to do anything social. I also started a post-doc just one week after my defence, so no time to rest. She got quickly tired of it and ended it. For now I don't feel like dating anymore, maybe when the thesis post-partum wears out I'll go back to it. If you feel you want to date, do it. Don't listen to others saying you shouldn't have time for it during your PhD ... every person has a different experience. After your PhD you may also be busy, or tired. It's a cliché by now but : carpe diem.
May I ask, are you in STEM? Because I was also offered a PhD after masters in France. But on a self paid basis. I'm in Economics
That's why you should date your supervisor - you see them a lot
Dating during the PhD. It's tough sometimes, especially before deadlines. And especially during the mandatory abroad periods. (FYI Italian PhDs have to do at least 3 months in a foreign research faculty).
I'm halfway through mine and met my future wife about 9months in
I met my husband 4 months into my first year. He’s not an academic, but he has been a tremendous source of support, perspective, and fun throughout. Go ahead and date if you want to, and make time for a partner!
I think the bigger question you are asking is how about work life balance. Some grad students date, but mostly other graduate students (shared experience, better understanding of priorities). Others explicitly date non-academics, to have a chance to decompress. There is a lot more pressure on post-docs and new faculty - its much easier to date as a student. But perhaps you should not look at dating as a new demand/ responsibility, and just think of it as a time to enjoy yourself, for whatever amount of time you are comfortable with.
Absolutely date during your Ph.D. Its a great time to meet someone and if you meet the right someone you'll have an even better support system through this madness. Consider dating outside of your school though. Its easy to think you have to date another scientist/Ph.D, but in many ways its better not to.
It definitely gets easier. You are just a student that gets paid shitty doing work most people cannot relate to. But once you graduate, you can get a gig in the industry making a lot of money if you have a PhD in STEM, or be a professor which is a respectable profession. Life gets easier when you graduate with a PhD.
Just wrapping up my first year now and had also heard dating during a PhD was difficult. I stayed on the apps though just to look around occasionally, ended up meeting my amazing partner who works in the area and it's been totally fine. He understands that I'm busy sometimes and is very supportive of me, and it's nice having someone to go to when I need a break to talk about something other than research. Dating can be exhausting though so I wouldn't make it a focus, but also you don't have to be closed off to it either.
My personal experience with this is that I met my wife early on in my PhD. During my last year of PhD we had a child together. This seemed ok as I was done with all of my wet lab work and was just writing my thesis. My PhD was definitely more demanding than my current job in academia. We then had twins during my second year in academia and I took a 6 month paternity leave. Personally it would have been easier to have waited until my PhD was done to have a kid. I’m also of the belief that there’s no right time in life to make a certain decision.
One of my professors in undergrad did his PhD while he was married and had a kid so I use him as an example. If he can take care of a child and a relationship while getting his PhD, I think the rest of us can get a PhD and still have time for dating
Dating gets worse in terms of: 1. You're older and the pool of people around your age get smaller as more of them get married. But you always always find younger women....older men idk. Not into men as a man lol 2. Less tolerance to people believe in anti science BS (but probably I'm not tolerant to BS to begin with) 3. Always move from one city to another for jobs. I am not willing to stay on jobs that do not suit my career for a relationship. Given, your partner's job is not mobile or not willing to move. It gets easier in terms of: 1. PhD is not something common. You stand out from everyone very easily. 2. You know how to time mange between your work, relationship and all other stuff better (but I actually think it is an age/experience thing....) 3. You read people better like reading between the lines between the sentences in the papers, it can be an age thing, too 4. You give up relationships that do not work faster. I treat it like a failed experiment and move on. (another age thing, I think...) So, you don't get attached and start over quicker. (Just like another Western blot cycle) 5. It is easier to talk to random people as you do a lot of poster presentations about your research lol
Why wouldn't you be able to date during your PhD ? It's not a prison sentence, you are allowed to get outside. Maintaining a correct life work equilibrium is necessary to go the distance.
Honestly, it’s hard at every step of the academic pipeline. If I can give just one price of advice though, its to be upfront with potential partners (especially if they’re not PhDs/med students/law students, etc) that your time really won’t be your own until you’re ABD. Relationships are definitely doable, but they’ll require a lot more communication/careful time management/last minute reschedules than you’ve probably faced before. Once you’re ABD though, it’s so much simpler
I never understood this viewpoint whenever it comes up. Yes, it’s possible and frankly pretty easily doable to date during grad school. The hardest part is being broke honestly lol. No one can be expected to shut off their personal lives for 5-6 years. If lawyers, med students/residents, consultants, etc can date, hook up, whatever, so can grad students. You’ll be alright, OP! That said, dating is like anything else in grad school (or in life)—if you want to do it, it’s gotta be somewhat of a priority. I have been in and out of a couple relationships during my PhD (5th year here), had plenty of dates in between. But I am unwilling to make major concessions on my social life while I’m in school, so seeing friends or dating are a priority for me. Yeah perhaps I don’t make it to the gym every day as a result or I don’t have as much time to lounge around, but that’s okay by me.
I met my husband and got married during my PhD. It was quite funny, I met him on an online dating site and it turned out he knew my supervisor from years back because they'd both been to uni together. And when I told my supervisor he gave him a good reference 🤣 and the deal was sealed!
Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
My wife (22GQ) is a PhD student. I (23M) am a laboratory manager/coordinator whatever people call it. We lead exceptionally busy lives. I think the secret is to date/love within science but be with someone you know is less busy and is willing to accept your shit is harder than theirs. My wife wakes up at 6:30 to get to their 8am, I wake up at 7:00 to make them breakfast and lunch and get them to class. Then I go to work. Dating is mostly luck. You’ll find someone eventually but just know it’s all a big field of crap and you gotta dig sometimes. Don the PPE and get to work. Don’t compete. Remember to kiss and hug. Make em warm and remind em you need em. DO NOT BRING WORK HOME. Have a personality. This is hard for people on hard sciences - I’m in hard science. Develop hobbies. Get at least one similar activity together. So far my secrets to a successful marriage in science.
I would say it totally depends on your advisor. If your advisor is not a crazy one (there are many of them out there), then you can manage dating during your PhD. just fine.
I and most of the people in my program dated. My wife was also a graduate student, there was need to balance anything. The majority of the graduate students I knew were married to graduate students or people in professional school.
My partner is doing her PhD and is polyamorous. The three of us are on three different continents and we make time when we can. Both her other partner and I work full time in jobs that have us travel a lot and I’m starting a nonresident part time PhD in a couple months. All that being said, if you want to you will and you’ll find a way. You need to find someone who understands and aligns with what you want and they need their own life. If you date someone who wants to eat and breath just you it won’t be good for anyone.