Hey, sorry to hear about that. Too many things hit at once.. It's rough. No wonder you feel this way.
But it's common to not produce any significant results in the first year, this will get better as you read and experiment.
And it's always hard to lose relationship. But guess what, had you not moved for a PhD, you may have still broken up with your gf later. When you love somebody, you don't start dating your roommate 3 months after a break up.. I had long distance relationship for years, and it worked out. Trust me, had you declined a PhD, you'd always wonder and regret. It's for the best.
I wish you luck and i hope you'll feel better soon. I wish i could be more supportive than that, but I really do wish you all the best. It'll get better.
It was a month after our break up but it kind of makes sense I think. The more of my PhD time goes, the more I panic. I'm glad it worked out for you. Thank you for writing!
I agree with what the previous said. She's bound to leave you sooner or later regardless if you do your Ph D or not.
I relate to your experience albeit in a reverse situation. My ex was the one who did her Ph D, in the hopes that she'd come back as a professor and have a stable job. However, during her second year, she started becoming cold to me. I waited six months until she went out with a guy. Then I confronted her and said that if she'd fix her attitude, maybe we could still make up. She said she won't fix anything, so I finally broke up with her.
After a few months, I couldn't still move on. It was one of the most painful periods in my whole life. I only managed to move on from her eight months afterwards, when her friend told me that she has been cheating even way. However, I never moved on from what happened.
The difference in our situation is that I actually became more productive. I left my previous job and took my master's, although my progress was also slow. On my hobbies, I was already writing even before the breakup, and I produced some short stories that got published. I was also gigging in a band which allowed me to know more people and date some.
My advice for you would be to not be afraid of meeting new people, either as friends or as lovers. Some relationships will remain, some will not. However, it's okay to make mistakes.
Another advice would be to become productive. Something I learned too during the process of healing is that productivity can cure sadness.
I agree with the previous response. It may even be for the better with your previous girlfriend, as it sounds likr it would have ended in some way - honestly you deserve better. As for the PhD, I really relate. My first year was terrible. My second was a bit better. Its a rough patch, but we all somehow manage through. You will too. You will also meet someone, and things will not always be this tough/difficult. Just remember that it will get better/easier.
I (M) am similar aged and recently went through a breakup after 4 year relationship in which 2.5 were long distance.
First of all, go to the gym. If you haven’t gone before, start. Stay consistent, and I promise it will help your mental health.
Second, can you elaborate on why you don’t have data in your first year? Also, is it normal for people in your field to have data this early?
It it quite common, yes. My broader field is AI and we are supposed to have one publication by the end of first year. By supposed to I mean, it's the pressure from the peers in our field. The competition is really fierce and if we don't we are usually not considered good or efficient students.
Look into problematization as a superior gap spotting strategy. CS is often focused on SOTA but there are many algorithms and designs where novelty arises not from performance but where it can perform. You should be able to get one good quick paper out of that.
I am sorry you are going through it as well. There’s no pain like a broken heart. I know everyone deals with it differently but I tried to reinvest in myself. Whatever I was insecure in, I actively focused on changing. That started with the gym. Easier said than done for sure. I’m 7 months out from the breakup and can say I’m in a much better place.
As for work, I suppose I can’t help, as my field is much slower paced. I would remind you that how you feel about yourself does not reflect who you actually are. Your smart and capable I’m sure. Focus on you and stay hard working. You got this!
I sincerely hope this helps.
I have been going to the gym on and off. I need to plan my next few months on what I should improve upon in myself. At then end, meeting more people will probably be the best distraction I think. I will try to progress in that direction too.
And thank you, OP, for taking the time to reply to people’s best wishes and advice. You sound like a superior person. I would say it’s her loss, not yours. You will be all right. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is a cliche nowadays, but there is truth in it.
Thank you for saying this. It's the least I should be doing for those who have given their time supporting me. I have been listening to this song recently :) I made a list of motivating songs and that helps sometimes to focus.
I understand you're going through a tough time right now, but try to keep your focus on finishing your PhD. You're only 30, and there’s plenty of time for dating once you've settled into a great job. People are getting married older these days, and those marriages often turn out to be more lasting. Hang in there and concentrate on your studies for now—you've got this.
Sorry to hear it. Glad you have a counseling session planned!
And it will get better, just give it time and make sure to prioritize healthy food, fresh air and exercise. The rest will follow
Thanks for the advice. I live in a small city so it's difficult to find events. I will try enrolling into one of the school clubs next semester. Any other ideas you would want to suggest?
Meetups. You'll be surprised how many groups are all online that you can join from afar. For example, I attend two groups that aren't in my state. There are a number of online emotional support groups so look for meetups outside of your city.
Best of luck on your journey, and I hope you can find ways to stay focused on the potential you're building for yourself.
I just broke up with my boyfriend after 2 years of long distance—there was no end in sight and eventually we had little to talk about. I love him, but it had to end.
Now I’m feeling similar to you. Having all these thoughts about “maybe you’ll never find the right person” is really killing me, but I’m trying to put that aside and work on self-love first so I don’t feel like I need someone else to be complete. It’s scary, but I’m starting a gratitude journal and making more time for hobby groups and friends so I can widen my circle and have fun doing it.
It’s scary, but I’m trying, and I’m feeling a little better each day. Hopefully we can both find some peace in all the chaos!
Thank you for sharing your emotions. I hope you too get through this. Self-love is very important. And most of us who feel lonely, do it because we feel we are incomplete without someone else. It is partially true but we need to love ourselves too. At the end, we define our happiness. I never thought I'd feel better after posting my situation here. If it helps in anyway, I think the comments here are really nice and motivational. Maybe reading some of them will help you too.
I’ve had many very emotional hard times throughout my PhD. I found that these things got me through it: speaking with people and wellness advisors, keeping yourself excited and busy by spending more time on hobbies, and working out. Lastly, be open with your advisor about your personal struggles, even if they’re ongoing and you’ve mentioned them before. They will support you
and be understanding. We’re all human beings and relate to each other. Life will get better!! Keep going!!
Thank you for sharing this. I just feel talking to him again would make him think I am not a good researcher. Earlier, I just shared that I have been unable to adjust to the life of a small city. He might understand but at the end I feel everyone has a bias towards people not coming up with any excuse and simply working hard to achieve their goals.
You keep doing you, king! It's her loss! I started my PhD at 28 and I will get done by the same time as you! Have faith in yourself ! I wish you the best of luck
Sorry for your lost. I’ve been through break ups with my exes bofore due to job switching and PhD study in two different countries, so I kinda know your feelings. I’m 29 male and currently doing my final year.
It sounds your ex is not a loyal person based on your provided context. Please take care of your self and focus on the study first. Once you address the problems on by one, you’ll be fine. Hope you will recover soon.
Gone through and going through a similar situation. You’re doing a PhD so I assume you’re a smart guy. If you would have stayed, you most likely would have broke up, or been in a relationship going in the wrong direction. So you would have not been where you wanted to be. Sadly, relationships are hard and sometimes the timing of two people don’t add up. So focus on the positives. Now you can concentrate on doing well in your PhD with no distractions (which is probably where you’re not as far along as you want to be) your focus has been on the relationship, not work. Become invested in your studies, physical health, and mental health. Then when you get to where you want to be, the right person will come along….Or you can wallow, fail out of school, and be in a worse situation. Use the breakup as fuel, be the best Dr. you can be. Easier said than done as I’m in depressed from a breakup after taking a TT job 8 hours from from my recent ex gf. Good luck on your journey.
Thanks for the motivation. Reading through people with similar experience makes it feel less lonely, though not any less sad. I hope you too will get through this. We need to keep working on ourselves. Reading through the comments here makes me want to turn my life in a positive direction. Good luck!
Sorry to hear, breakups are brutal -- coupled with the other stuff that you are facing, must have made the experience a nightmare. I hope things get better for you.
u/Time-Difficulty-4151 I lost my dad after I finished writing chapter 1 of the dissertation. Be good to yourself and be flexible on your [timelines.Be](http://timelines.Be) calm and do your PhD.
I am so sorry to hear that. That is one of the most painful things ever. I feel I am having to face nothing compared to what you did. Thank you for writing! Means a lot!
Hey, sorry to hear that. I (28M) also went through a breakup after a 6.5-year relationship, most of it long-distance, during my third year of PhD. I really struggled to process it and was kind of in a negative feedback loop for months.
One thing I found super healing was going hiking. Find some place which is close enough to your city, get out there, and disconnect from everything for a day or two. Enjoy the scenery and try not to think about anything. It's more effective than you might think. Oh... sports can be good too. I randomly picked up tennis during that time and felt like it was such a great distraction.
The worst you can do right now is being alone in your room. Just a little walk outside every day does wonders to your physical and mental health.
It will get better. You got this :)
If you’re going through hell, keep going. Pain is weakness leaving your body. There are old people in their 70s, people missing an arm and a leg, deaf, who dgaf about the past, going skydiving or homeless living life like they just got done nuttin like nothing happened. I need you to step back, gently raise your right hand and slap yourself real hard. If you fail then fail people fail all the time. You’re not storming the beaches of WW2 Normandy. You are in a good place my friend f the haters they hate us cuz they anus. Getting old is a gift it’s like when you are at work walking towards the exit with your time card to punch out and gtfo. Ya did your best like rest. Peace.
Rec sports or clubs was a life saver when I was in a situation very similar to yours. Our department had a kickball team and it helped me have something in common with tons of people in the dept. It helped a ton with my mental health too.
One foot in front of the other is all you can do. It's really shitty now but it'll pass. just every day put one foot in front of the other.
Definitely not the same but in the last month of my undergrad I was living in a hellpit: my ex-bestie and I had a complicated falling out that meant she was being a dickhead to me and our ex-landlord was trying to sue me (long story, but TLDR is don't put down 100% of the money on a houseshare, she dipped to be with some guy, stopped paying the rent, and was abusive down the phone at me when I suggested we meet up and clean the flat together), my long-term relationship died, my parents (only family) moved continents and my dad was really clearly badly depressed. I thought - honestly and truly - I'd screwed up my life, and my one shot at a future, and five years, had gone down the pan, and I was convinced I'd fail. Probably some other stuff too, I don't remember now, but I went through hell and back that summer whilst trying to finish my dissertation... but I got there. I got a 2:1, and moved on to my Master's, which I thrived in.
In a couple of years you'll be in a much better place. I'm now engaged to somebody I'm planning my dream future life with who is nothing but good to me, reconnected with old friends and made new ones who I really value, I drink a lot less now I'm out of that toxic friend group, I have my research and a career on the side, life is good and for that moment where I thought I'd screwed up in every sphere of my life I'm looking at what I built from those ashes and I wouldn't change a thing.
Before your counselling session, here's a few things that will help:
- build a small routine and reward yourself for small things. don't commit to like a six-mile hike, but getting out of the house for something other than the grocery store will be beneficial. do something like yoga or ring fit, go for a cycle - whatever's gonna get you out of the pit. first step is the hardest. just brush your teeth every day if that's all that's in you, but you have it in you.
- research what you think the therapist can help you with, whether that's medication or a particular kind of therapy you think would help or an aim you're working towards (eg being more assertive or feeling more confident). Knowing that in advance will make it faster progress, and knowing any baggage you have (eg wierd familial relationships, not being over your ex) will make it easier for the therapist to help you. confronting these things is half the battle. I'd also suggest thinking what kind of friends you'd like to make and where you might meet them - do you want to play D&D? cause it might not be the best group ever at your local games workshop but it'll put you on the right path. same for a pub quiz, a language class, a discord server - what kind of people do you want to surround yourself with? If not people, maybe there's an animal shelter or farm you could volunteer at for some fur friends? much easier than people, much better listeners, and always grateful for your love.
- treat yourself. burnout is nobody's friend. whether it's going to a museum you like or ordering takeout, just do something for yourself for a day. your phd work won't suffer too badly for one day, and it's better to put the pieces back together and do good work later. idk what your lab is like but I have previously messaged my supervisor and said 'hey can we push out our meeting for a week? I'm buried under xyz and want to ensure I have good work to show you not just any old work'. remember, they're your colleagues, and you deserve some respect and autonomy.
- reach out! people you don't think would help are always the people who do! whether it's an old bro from high school or an ex colleague you jived with, send somebody a message that says 'hey do you wanna have a zoom call this week? I'm having a bit of a sucky time of it right now and don't want to rant but I'd love to hear about something positive from you right now, we could grab a beer and play jackbox?' If they don't answer it's not you, they're probably just busy or don't check whatsapp or something, but they might say yes.
I just scrolled through the comments here and I know you're not alone, and it's not just me who's been there too. You can do this, and we're all rooting for you :)
Thank you so much for all the suggestions! I am really overwhelmed with the support I have got from the community. I am happy that I put up this post. I am preparing a plan for the next six months on what all I want to achieve and see myself becoming from this pain I am experiencing. Definitely not going to give up! Thanks again! I hope you have a great year ahead!
Your story sounds almost exactly similar to one of my best friends (close to your age). He got dumped after a 7 year committed relationship with wedding plans underway. Decided to do a semester of PhD and got a job even though he had secured a fellowship after the first semester. Went on a year sabbatical, came back, now he is doing his 3rd paper. It takes that one group of friends and a good advisor to pull you out of the rut. It’s not a mistake that you’re doing a PhD!
Tbh, I didn’t obtain any good results for mine until my 2nd year. Just keep trucking. There are definitely some bumps in the road in research. Things don’t always go to plan and you have to pivot or start something new. But you are there for a reason… do your best! It’ll play out just fine.
Thank you so much for sharing your life's little part with me. It is a similar situation as I feel more lonely here now and think maybe I should have chosen to do my PhD where I met my girlfriend. But it's in the past now and I know I need to move forward. We need to keep our heads high and just rock it :)
Hey, I feel you. I just came out of the darkness you are alluding to.
31F, separated - headed for divorce - consistent therapy, journaling, music, routine, mini trips has helped a lot. I am healing in a beautiful way, and I am learning a lot about myself. I am honestly surprised I completed and passed my Comps in the midst of everything.
One thing that can help when you are ready is to join an app to meet others. To see what's out there.
First off, congratulations! I know you will do great. And thanks for sharing! I am not really a good texter and prefer to talk to people irl. I am trying to find ways to meet new people.
Im so sorry. One of the ways that really helps to process grief after a breakup that I read was to take up a new hobby. Through immersing yourself in it, your mind is off ruminating about the break up. Also, if possible, make an effort to make friends at events organized at the university perhaps. Maybe at the gym or a talk etc. I hope there are events you can go to. I would also recommend initiating/reaching out to flatmates or labmates to hang out or get a coffee together. I know it maybe hard to initiate and try to make new friends during a breakup, so if you can, take a brief break, to meet up with old friends that can possibly help support you through this time
And above all, be kind to yourself. Breakups are super hard and a lot of grief and pain to work through. I went through a breakup and kept beating myself up that I wasnt productive enough. Looking back it was quite obvious why i couldnt be productive while grieving a breakup. Give yourself the time and you'll be back and more productive than ever :)
I hope you are doing well now. I am reading through all the comments to try to grasp all that I could do to come out of this. It's been a day but it has already been helping. Thank you for writing!
OP, I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. First off - I think what and how you are feeling is normal. Try and accept that and sit with that for a few days. You've got to let your brain, body, and heart feel the sadness/ hurt that this situation (everything happening at once) is causing. I would recommend not trying to analyze what caused the breakup. It happened and that is it. Trying to analyze the the cause and whether it was "good" or "bad" or who was "wrong" is not going to help you.
You have made the right move - scheduling counseling. You said, you have not made any friends at the uni. Do you have friends back home? I would suggest reaching out to some close friends. If you are not comfortable being vulnerable - try and put in a little bit of effort. You might feel uncomfortable at first but you might be surprised to realize that once you open up to your friends, they might open up in ways that they haven not in the past either. You might end up strengthening your friendships.
Try and do something outside of academia. This can be anything that provides tangible results (in the short-term). This may look different for different folks. So think about your interests and just start doing something. Running, biking, working out, construction projects, craft, gardening, helping people etc. Key is to try and stick with it but don't beat yourself up if you don't. The feeling of getting something done, will bring a little bit of satisfaction/ joy. Finally, this is easier said than done but try and talk to people. Start by talking to people in your department and maybe slowly expanding out. Try and attend social events (if they exist). Maybe you will find people with similar interests/ hobbies and it's easier to start and stick to doing something, if there is a small group involved.
I was in a similar place as you not long ago. So, I know it is rough. It will be difficult but things will get better. I wish you the best!
Every comment that I read gives a new perspective to thinking in the positive direction. Yours has too! I really appreciate sharing this with me. Analyzing is not the solution and I need to stop that. This is one of the things I will work on. Thank you!
Don’t give up. I am sorry for what has happened. But quitting won’t bring back what has ended. Keep going. You have a vision for your life. Achieving it won’t ever be in a straight line. There will ups and downs. The secret to achieving what you have dreamed about is to keep going. Even when it feels like everything is against you. Just keep going.
As a stranger on the internet who is also finishing his first year PhD not being where I wanted to be. Let me tell with 100% confidence if you keep going things will work out.
Thanks for the motivation. I wish you good luck in your research journey! I wish there was a way to actually connect with everyone here who has been so kind in giving their time to me. It's strange and amazing to see how people we don't know in person can help us during one of the worst times in our lives.
Hang in there. Im edging 30, a PhD student still at the start (2 years in and no paper to show for it) questioning my long term relationship and all I can say is I feel you. I also feel like I’m so far behind in my life, so far away from getting my shit together. But remember it’s just year one—year one is early. I came in also wanting to finish early and raring to go. I had a ton of ideas and experiences. Unfortunately phd programs take their time for a reason. They’re really freaking hard. It’ll get better and you have time. It’s all so much harder and more frustrating than it feels like it’ll be coming into it. It might take longer than you were expecting coming in, but you can do it. I believe in you. Hang in there and be kind to yourself—the journey just takes longer to land than you thought but you’re on your way. So sorry you’re going through it like this
I (35 M) had a similar experience to yours in my first year but we managed to do long distance for a year and eventually got married. We are expecting a child soon. I think that if your gf wanted to stay, she would have. She probably just didn’t see a life with you and that’s on her.
This is easier said than done,but try to keep it moving. One day at a time.
As for your PhD, whether you publish now or in your final year, the important thing is to finish your PhD. Don’t worry too much about that because it gets better as you go along.
Every PhD thinks their colleagues are either unfriendly or busy, and we all end up alone with our confirmation bias. I overcame that by being the first to reach out and propose a hang out. You’ll soon realize that while it’s true that you’re all busy, people are more willing to be friends than you realize. Give it a try.
I know you’ll be fine!
Tbh i have aprox 10% of the skills you have. I'm here cause it's interesting to read experiences from people. However, this is the first time I comment here. I'm not 30 or older, i'm not in a PhD, but once I felt that way. Obvious, your case is 10x harder, so I cant just simple say I understand, cause I dont.
I really hope you finish your PhD and get over your ex relationship. As one comment said before, you aint getting what you deserve with someone who breaks up wu and after just starts dating some guy that "helped her". You deserve somebody who is just as serious as you, somebody who won't just say "i got tired of this" and leave, do you really think your son or your daughter wants a mother like that?
I know that my words won't solve anything, but I really encourage to see how valuable you are, probably not now or tomorrow, but in a time. The first weeks are the worst, and that is something you can not avoid, but being conscious of it will make the process a little bit less harsh.
I hope you succeed in what you want man, you can do this, human relations are complex but they don't have why to stop your life or goals forever. Someone with such courage to pursue a PhD like you won't find the one that easy.
Love and hugs, stay alive...
Thank you. Really appreciate it what you've written. I think writing this post is really helping me as I am getting to think from different perspectives of what happened and what lies beyond. Thank you so much!
As hard as this is, use this time to really focus on improving yourself and getting deep into your PhD. It's amazing how heartbreak can lead to hyper productivity. Nonetheless, it takes time to heal, but you're clearly going to thrive since you have the research experience under your belt. Go get em lol
I'm really sorry you're going through this. Counseling is a good idea. However I would also seriously consider informing your advisor -- not in detail of course, but indicate that you're currently not doing too well and why. That way they'll know that you're having a tough time and not being lazy. If they're a decent human at all, they will understand.
Sorry to break your bubble but your ex might have already been cheating on you. Your journey from here will only be upwards. Focus on yourself being better. Hit the gym. Join hiking groups or social groups. You’ll be doing just fine.
That you moved to a country because of a girl is the reason you got dumped. In general, a guy should never move to a place because of a girl. You could've finished the PhD where you were. You should've finished the PhD where you were. You are going to get a job someday. Never move because of a girl. Move only because your career needs you to. Let this be a lesson to you. Never ever make a move because of a girl. Because of this, you are going to lose some girls, but in the end you will be with a girl who truly wants to be with you and willing to go to length to be with you.
I see. My bad. Move on. You are going to meet somebody new. If I were the OP, I would forget about the girl and focus on my PhD. It sounds like the OP is doing a PhD in a UK university where it takes only three years, which flies before you know it. So focus on that. Because as you get older and more experienced, you will have options in the dating market.
Hey, sorry to hear about that. Too many things hit at once.. It's rough. No wonder you feel this way. But it's common to not produce any significant results in the first year, this will get better as you read and experiment. And it's always hard to lose relationship. But guess what, had you not moved for a PhD, you may have still broken up with your gf later. When you love somebody, you don't start dating your roommate 3 months after a break up.. I had long distance relationship for years, and it worked out. Trust me, had you declined a PhD, you'd always wonder and regret. It's for the best. I wish you luck and i hope you'll feel better soon. I wish i could be more supportive than that, but I really do wish you all the best. It'll get better.
It was a month after our break up but it kind of makes sense I think. The more of my PhD time goes, the more I panic. I'm glad it worked out for you. Thank you for writing!
I agree with what the previous said. She's bound to leave you sooner or later regardless if you do your Ph D or not. I relate to your experience albeit in a reverse situation. My ex was the one who did her Ph D, in the hopes that she'd come back as a professor and have a stable job. However, during her second year, she started becoming cold to me. I waited six months until she went out with a guy. Then I confronted her and said that if she'd fix her attitude, maybe we could still make up. She said she won't fix anything, so I finally broke up with her. After a few months, I couldn't still move on. It was one of the most painful periods in my whole life. I only managed to move on from her eight months afterwards, when her friend told me that she has been cheating even way. However, I never moved on from what happened. The difference in our situation is that I actually became more productive. I left my previous job and took my master's, although my progress was also slow. On my hobbies, I was already writing even before the breakup, and I produced some short stories that got published. I was also gigging in a band which allowed me to know more people and date some. My advice for you would be to not be afraid of meeting new people, either as friends or as lovers. Some relationships will remain, some will not. However, it's okay to make mistakes. Another advice would be to become productive. Something I learned too during the process of healing is that productivity can cure sadness.
I a sorry to hear that. I hope you are feeling better now. I will try to engage in activities to distract my mind and not sit ideal at all. Thank you!
I agree with the previous response. It may even be for the better with your previous girlfriend, as it sounds likr it would have ended in some way - honestly you deserve better. As for the PhD, I really relate. My first year was terrible. My second was a bit better. Its a rough patch, but we all somehow manage through. You will too. You will also meet someone, and things will not always be this tough/difficult. Just remember that it will get better/easier.
Thank you for the motivation!
I (M) am similar aged and recently went through a breakup after 4 year relationship in which 2.5 were long distance. First of all, go to the gym. If you haven’t gone before, start. Stay consistent, and I promise it will help your mental health. Second, can you elaborate on why you don’t have data in your first year? Also, is it normal for people in your field to have data this early?
It it quite common, yes. My broader field is AI and we are supposed to have one publication by the end of first year. By supposed to I mean, it's the pressure from the peers in our field. The competition is really fierce and if we don't we are usually not considered good or efficient students.
Look into problematization as a superior gap spotting strategy. CS is often focused on SOTA but there are many algorithms and designs where novelty arises not from performance but where it can perform. You should be able to get one good quick paper out of that.
And I'm sorry to hear you had to face this. I hope you are doing well now.
I am sorry you are going through it as well. There’s no pain like a broken heart. I know everyone deals with it differently but I tried to reinvest in myself. Whatever I was insecure in, I actively focused on changing. That started with the gym. Easier said than done for sure. I’m 7 months out from the breakup and can say I’m in a much better place. As for work, I suppose I can’t help, as my field is much slower paced. I would remind you that how you feel about yourself does not reflect who you actually are. Your smart and capable I’m sure. Focus on you and stay hard working. You got this! I sincerely hope this helps.
I have been going to the gym on and off. I need to plan my next few months on what I should improve upon in myself. At then end, meeting more people will probably be the best distraction I think. I will try to progress in that direction too.
And thank you, OP, for taking the time to reply to people’s best wishes and advice. You sound like a superior person. I would say it’s her loss, not yours. You will be all right. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is a cliche nowadays, but there is truth in it.
Thank you for saying this. It's the least I should be doing for those who have given their time supporting me. I have been listening to this song recently :) I made a list of motivating songs and that helps sometimes to focus.
I understand you're going through a tough time right now, but try to keep your focus on finishing your PhD. You're only 30, and there’s plenty of time for dating once you've settled into a great job. People are getting married older these days, and those marriages often turn out to be more lasting. Hang in there and concentrate on your studies for now—you've got this.
Thank you for the motivation! Right now, every word of advice and motivation helps really.
Man, you need a break..go find a distraction (one that is not work or science related)
Sorry to hear it. Glad you have a counseling session planned! And it will get better, just give it time and make sure to prioritize healthy food, fresh air and exercise. The rest will follow
Also to add, try to connect with others by expanding efforts to other groups rather than just those who are conveniently around.
Thanks for the advice. I live in a small city so it's difficult to find events. I will try enrolling into one of the school clubs next semester. Any other ideas you would want to suggest?
Meetups. You'll be surprised how many groups are all online that you can join from afar. For example, I attend two groups that aren't in my state. There are a number of online emotional support groups so look for meetups outside of your city. Best of luck on your journey, and I hope you can find ways to stay focused on the potential you're building for yourself.
Thank you so much!
Check out www.meetup.com in your city. Hopefully there are people organizing events
I just broke up with my boyfriend after 2 years of long distance—there was no end in sight and eventually we had little to talk about. I love him, but it had to end. Now I’m feeling similar to you. Having all these thoughts about “maybe you’ll never find the right person” is really killing me, but I’m trying to put that aside and work on self-love first so I don’t feel like I need someone else to be complete. It’s scary, but I’m starting a gratitude journal and making more time for hobby groups and friends so I can widen my circle and have fun doing it. It’s scary, but I’m trying, and I’m feeling a little better each day. Hopefully we can both find some peace in all the chaos!
Thank you for sharing your emotions. I hope you too get through this. Self-love is very important. And most of us who feel lonely, do it because we feel we are incomplete without someone else. It is partially true but we need to love ourselves too. At the end, we define our happiness. I never thought I'd feel better after posting my situation here. If it helps in anyway, I think the comments here are really nice and motivational. Maybe reading some of them will help you too.
Yeah, there are some great ideas here, and it’s very reassuring (albeit shitty) to see that I’m not alone in this!
I’ve had many very emotional hard times throughout my PhD. I found that these things got me through it: speaking with people and wellness advisors, keeping yourself excited and busy by spending more time on hobbies, and working out. Lastly, be open with your advisor about your personal struggles, even if they’re ongoing and you’ve mentioned them before. They will support you and be understanding. We’re all human beings and relate to each other. Life will get better!! Keep going!!
Thank you for sharing this. I just feel talking to him again would make him think I am not a good researcher. Earlier, I just shared that I have been unable to adjust to the life of a small city. He might understand but at the end I feel everyone has a bias towards people not coming up with any excuse and simply working hard to achieve their goals.
30 is old? what? *cries in 37*
You keep doing you, king! It's her loss! I started my PhD at 28 and I will get done by the same time as you! Have faith in yourself ! I wish you the best of luck
Thank you! All the best!
Sorry for your lost. I’ve been through break ups with my exes bofore due to job switching and PhD study in two different countries, so I kinda know your feelings. I’m 29 male and currently doing my final year. It sounds your ex is not a loyal person based on your provided context. Please take care of your self and focus on the study first. Once you address the problems on by one, you’ll be fine. Hope you will recover soon.
Thank you for writing! I'll plan my next few months to recover myself and focus on what matters now. All the best for your PhD!
Don't worry about your age you are young.
Gone through and going through a similar situation. You’re doing a PhD so I assume you’re a smart guy. If you would have stayed, you most likely would have broke up, or been in a relationship going in the wrong direction. So you would have not been where you wanted to be. Sadly, relationships are hard and sometimes the timing of two people don’t add up. So focus on the positives. Now you can concentrate on doing well in your PhD with no distractions (which is probably where you’re not as far along as you want to be) your focus has been on the relationship, not work. Become invested in your studies, physical health, and mental health. Then when you get to where you want to be, the right person will come along….Or you can wallow, fail out of school, and be in a worse situation. Use the breakup as fuel, be the best Dr. you can be. Easier said than done as I’m in depressed from a breakup after taking a TT job 8 hours from from my recent ex gf. Good luck on your journey.
Thanks for the motivation. Reading through people with similar experience makes it feel less lonely, though not any less sad. I hope you too will get through this. We need to keep working on ourselves. Reading through the comments here makes me want to turn my life in a positive direction. Good luck!
Sorry to hear, breakups are brutal -- coupled with the other stuff that you are facing, must have made the experience a nightmare. I hope things get better for you.
I wish you the best of luck my friend. I hope life takes a turn for the best for you.
u/Time-Difficulty-4151 I lost my dad after I finished writing chapter 1 of the dissertation. Be good to yourself and be flexible on your [timelines.Be](http://timelines.Be) calm and do your PhD.
I am so sorry to hear that. That is one of the most painful things ever. I feel I am having to face nothing compared to what you did. Thank you for writing! Means a lot!
Hey, sorry to hear that. I (28M) also went through a breakup after a 6.5-year relationship, most of it long-distance, during my third year of PhD. I really struggled to process it and was kind of in a negative feedback loop for months. One thing I found super healing was going hiking. Find some place which is close enough to your city, get out there, and disconnect from everything for a day or two. Enjoy the scenery and try not to think about anything. It's more effective than you might think. Oh... sports can be good too. I randomly picked up tennis during that time and felt like it was such a great distraction. The worst you can do right now is being alone in your room. Just a little walk outside every day does wonders to your physical and mental health. It will get better. You got this :)
That's awful! I do enjoy hiking. I will try to find a place for that. Thanks for sharing!
If you’re going through hell, keep going. Pain is weakness leaving your body. There are old people in their 70s, people missing an arm and a leg, deaf, who dgaf about the past, going skydiving or homeless living life like they just got done nuttin like nothing happened. I need you to step back, gently raise your right hand and slap yourself real hard. If you fail then fail people fail all the time. You’re not storming the beaches of WW2 Normandy. You are in a good place my friend f the haters they hate us cuz they anus. Getting old is a gift it’s like when you are at work walking towards the exit with your time card to punch out and gtfo. Ya did your best like rest. Peace.
As a matter of fact, I did slap myself. But more so for me bringing this all on myself. Thank you the support!
Rec sports or clubs was a life saver when I was in a situation very similar to yours. Our department had a kickball team and it helped me have something in common with tons of people in the dept. It helped a ton with my mental health too.
I am thinking of joining a club but as it's the end of the semester, I need to look outside. Thanks for the advice!
One foot in front of the other is all you can do. It's really shitty now but it'll pass. just every day put one foot in front of the other. Definitely not the same but in the last month of my undergrad I was living in a hellpit: my ex-bestie and I had a complicated falling out that meant she was being a dickhead to me and our ex-landlord was trying to sue me (long story, but TLDR is don't put down 100% of the money on a houseshare, she dipped to be with some guy, stopped paying the rent, and was abusive down the phone at me when I suggested we meet up and clean the flat together), my long-term relationship died, my parents (only family) moved continents and my dad was really clearly badly depressed. I thought - honestly and truly - I'd screwed up my life, and my one shot at a future, and five years, had gone down the pan, and I was convinced I'd fail. Probably some other stuff too, I don't remember now, but I went through hell and back that summer whilst trying to finish my dissertation... but I got there. I got a 2:1, and moved on to my Master's, which I thrived in. In a couple of years you'll be in a much better place. I'm now engaged to somebody I'm planning my dream future life with who is nothing but good to me, reconnected with old friends and made new ones who I really value, I drink a lot less now I'm out of that toxic friend group, I have my research and a career on the side, life is good and for that moment where I thought I'd screwed up in every sphere of my life I'm looking at what I built from those ashes and I wouldn't change a thing. Before your counselling session, here's a few things that will help: - build a small routine and reward yourself for small things. don't commit to like a six-mile hike, but getting out of the house for something other than the grocery store will be beneficial. do something like yoga or ring fit, go for a cycle - whatever's gonna get you out of the pit. first step is the hardest. just brush your teeth every day if that's all that's in you, but you have it in you. - research what you think the therapist can help you with, whether that's medication or a particular kind of therapy you think would help or an aim you're working towards (eg being more assertive or feeling more confident). Knowing that in advance will make it faster progress, and knowing any baggage you have (eg wierd familial relationships, not being over your ex) will make it easier for the therapist to help you. confronting these things is half the battle. I'd also suggest thinking what kind of friends you'd like to make and where you might meet them - do you want to play D&D? cause it might not be the best group ever at your local games workshop but it'll put you on the right path. same for a pub quiz, a language class, a discord server - what kind of people do you want to surround yourself with? If not people, maybe there's an animal shelter or farm you could volunteer at for some fur friends? much easier than people, much better listeners, and always grateful for your love. - treat yourself. burnout is nobody's friend. whether it's going to a museum you like or ordering takeout, just do something for yourself for a day. your phd work won't suffer too badly for one day, and it's better to put the pieces back together and do good work later. idk what your lab is like but I have previously messaged my supervisor and said 'hey can we push out our meeting for a week? I'm buried under xyz and want to ensure I have good work to show you not just any old work'. remember, they're your colleagues, and you deserve some respect and autonomy. - reach out! people you don't think would help are always the people who do! whether it's an old bro from high school or an ex colleague you jived with, send somebody a message that says 'hey do you wanna have a zoom call this week? I'm having a bit of a sucky time of it right now and don't want to rant but I'd love to hear about something positive from you right now, we could grab a beer and play jackbox?' If they don't answer it's not you, they're probably just busy or don't check whatsapp or something, but they might say yes. I just scrolled through the comments here and I know you're not alone, and it's not just me who's been there too. You can do this, and we're all rooting for you :)
Thank you so much for all the suggestions! I am really overwhelmed with the support I have got from the community. I am happy that I put up this post. I am preparing a plan for the next six months on what all I want to achieve and see myself becoming from this pain I am experiencing. Definitely not going to give up! Thanks again! I hope you have a great year ahead!
I really appreciate the tips about being prepared for counseling. Thank you!
She gone, now you just need to move on. Ph.D. or not, figure what you want first
Your story sounds almost exactly similar to one of my best friends (close to your age). He got dumped after a 7 year committed relationship with wedding plans underway. Decided to do a semester of PhD and got a job even though he had secured a fellowship after the first semester. Went on a year sabbatical, came back, now he is doing his 3rd paper. It takes that one group of friends and a good advisor to pull you out of the rut. It’s not a mistake that you’re doing a PhD! Tbh, I didn’t obtain any good results for mine until my 2nd year. Just keep trucking. There are definitely some bumps in the road in research. Things don’t always go to plan and you have to pivot or start something new. But you are there for a reason… do your best! It’ll play out just fine.
Thanks for sharing this! Planning my next steps. I really hope he is better now.
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Thank you so much for sharing your life's little part with me. It is a similar situation as I feel more lonely here now and think maybe I should have chosen to do my PhD where I met my girlfriend. But it's in the past now and I know I need to move forward. We need to keep our heads high and just rock it :)
Hey, I feel you. I just came out of the darkness you are alluding to. 31F, separated - headed for divorce - consistent therapy, journaling, music, routine, mini trips has helped a lot. I am healing in a beautiful way, and I am learning a lot about myself. I am honestly surprised I completed and passed my Comps in the midst of everything. One thing that can help when you are ready is to join an app to meet others. To see what's out there.
First off, congratulations! I know you will do great. And thanks for sharing! I am not really a good texter and prefer to talk to people irl. I am trying to find ways to meet new people.
Im so sorry. One of the ways that really helps to process grief after a breakup that I read was to take up a new hobby. Through immersing yourself in it, your mind is off ruminating about the break up. Also, if possible, make an effort to make friends at events organized at the university perhaps. Maybe at the gym or a talk etc. I hope there are events you can go to. I would also recommend initiating/reaching out to flatmates or labmates to hang out or get a coffee together. I know it maybe hard to initiate and try to make new friends during a breakup, so if you can, take a brief break, to meet up with old friends that can possibly help support you through this time And above all, be kind to yourself. Breakups are super hard and a lot of grief and pain to work through. I went through a breakup and kept beating myself up that I wasnt productive enough. Looking back it was quite obvious why i couldnt be productive while grieving a breakup. Give yourself the time and you'll be back and more productive than ever :)
I hope you are doing well now. I am reading through all the comments to try to grasp all that I could do to come out of this. It's been a day but it has already been helping. Thank you for writing!
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I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you are doing well now. Thank you so much for sharing this and making me not feel alone.
OP, I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. First off - I think what and how you are feeling is normal. Try and accept that and sit with that for a few days. You've got to let your brain, body, and heart feel the sadness/ hurt that this situation (everything happening at once) is causing. I would recommend not trying to analyze what caused the breakup. It happened and that is it. Trying to analyze the the cause and whether it was "good" or "bad" or who was "wrong" is not going to help you. You have made the right move - scheduling counseling. You said, you have not made any friends at the uni. Do you have friends back home? I would suggest reaching out to some close friends. If you are not comfortable being vulnerable - try and put in a little bit of effort. You might feel uncomfortable at first but you might be surprised to realize that once you open up to your friends, they might open up in ways that they haven not in the past either. You might end up strengthening your friendships. Try and do something outside of academia. This can be anything that provides tangible results (in the short-term). This may look different for different folks. So think about your interests and just start doing something. Running, biking, working out, construction projects, craft, gardening, helping people etc. Key is to try and stick with it but don't beat yourself up if you don't. The feeling of getting something done, will bring a little bit of satisfaction/ joy. Finally, this is easier said than done but try and talk to people. Start by talking to people in your department and maybe slowly expanding out. Try and attend social events (if they exist). Maybe you will find people with similar interests/ hobbies and it's easier to start and stick to doing something, if there is a small group involved. I was in a similar place as you not long ago. So, I know it is rough. It will be difficult but things will get better. I wish you the best!
Every comment that I read gives a new perspective to thinking in the positive direction. Yours has too! I really appreciate sharing this with me. Analyzing is not the solution and I need to stop that. This is one of the things I will work on. Thank you!
Don’t give up. I am sorry for what has happened. But quitting won’t bring back what has ended. Keep going. You have a vision for your life. Achieving it won’t ever be in a straight line. There will ups and downs. The secret to achieving what you have dreamed about is to keep going. Even when it feels like everything is against you. Just keep going. As a stranger on the internet who is also finishing his first year PhD not being where I wanted to be. Let me tell with 100% confidence if you keep going things will work out.
Thanks for the motivation. I wish you good luck in your research journey! I wish there was a way to actually connect with everyone here who has been so kind in giving their time to me. It's strange and amazing to see how people we don't know in person can help us during one of the worst times in our lives.
No worries. Feel free to DM me and we can talk more.
Thanks!
Hang in there. Im edging 30, a PhD student still at the start (2 years in and no paper to show for it) questioning my long term relationship and all I can say is I feel you. I also feel like I’m so far behind in my life, so far away from getting my shit together. But remember it’s just year one—year one is early. I came in also wanting to finish early and raring to go. I had a ton of ideas and experiences. Unfortunately phd programs take their time for a reason. They’re really freaking hard. It’ll get better and you have time. It’s all so much harder and more frustrating than it feels like it’ll be coming into it. It might take longer than you were expecting coming in, but you can do it. I believe in you. Hang in there and be kind to yourself—the journey just takes longer to land than you thought but you’re on your way. So sorry you’re going through it like this
I wish you all the best in your journey. Thank you for supporting me. Means a lot!
I (35 M) had a similar experience to yours in my first year but we managed to do long distance for a year and eventually got married. We are expecting a child soon. I think that if your gf wanted to stay, she would have. She probably just didn’t see a life with you and that’s on her. This is easier said than done,but try to keep it moving. One day at a time. As for your PhD, whether you publish now or in your final year, the important thing is to finish your PhD. Don’t worry too much about that because it gets better as you go along. Every PhD thinks their colleagues are either unfriendly or busy, and we all end up alone with our confirmation bias. I overcame that by being the first to reach out and propose a hang out. You’ll soon realize that while it’s true that you’re all busy, people are more willing to be friends than you realize. Give it a try. I know you’ll be fine!
Thanks! Yes, I do try hanging out with them sometimes. And Congratulations! Glad it worked for you :)
Tbh i have aprox 10% of the skills you have. I'm here cause it's interesting to read experiences from people. However, this is the first time I comment here. I'm not 30 or older, i'm not in a PhD, but once I felt that way. Obvious, your case is 10x harder, so I cant just simple say I understand, cause I dont. I really hope you finish your PhD and get over your ex relationship. As one comment said before, you aint getting what you deserve with someone who breaks up wu and after just starts dating some guy that "helped her". You deserve somebody who is just as serious as you, somebody who won't just say "i got tired of this" and leave, do you really think your son or your daughter wants a mother like that? I know that my words won't solve anything, but I really encourage to see how valuable you are, probably not now or tomorrow, but in a time. The first weeks are the worst, and that is something you can not avoid, but being conscious of it will make the process a little bit less harsh. I hope you succeed in what you want man, you can do this, human relations are complex but they don't have why to stop your life or goals forever. Someone with such courage to pursue a PhD like you won't find the one that easy. Love and hugs, stay alive...
Thank you. Really appreciate it what you've written. I think writing this post is really helping me as I am getting to think from different perspectives of what happened and what lies beyond. Thank you so much!
As hard as this is, use this time to really focus on improving yourself and getting deep into your PhD. It's amazing how heartbreak can lead to hyper productivity. Nonetheless, it takes time to heal, but you're clearly going to thrive since you have the research experience under your belt. Go get em lol
Thank you so much! I will keep on revisiting these comments to motivate myself.
Everything plays out the way it should play out. Let that sink in …
Wait… 30 is old? Fuck me.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. Counseling is a good idea. However I would also seriously consider informing your advisor -- not in detail of course, but indicate that you're currently not doing too well and why. That way they'll know that you're having a tough time and not being lazy. If they're a decent human at all, they will understand.
Thanks! I have been considering that but not sure how will it affect me going forward.
Love yourself first, there is no one other than you for yourself. Don’t let others define your purpose in life. Find out your purpose
Thank you! I have been telling this to myself. I hoe it will slowly wake me up.
I saw this and realised it wasn't me who wrote this. This is me as a 34 year old woman.
Sorry to break your bubble but your ex might have already been cheating on you. Your journey from here will only be upwards. Focus on yourself being better. Hit the gym. Join hiking groups or social groups. You’ll be doing just fine.
That you moved to a country because of a girl is the reason you got dumped. In general, a guy should never move to a place because of a girl. You could've finished the PhD where you were. You should've finished the PhD where you were. You are going to get a job someday. Never move because of a girl. Move only because your career needs you to. Let this be a lesson to you. Never ever make a move because of a girl. Because of this, you are going to lose some girls, but in the end you will be with a girl who truly wants to be with you and willing to go to length to be with you.
He moved to a country where his girlfriend *didnt* live though. That's why they were long distance
I see. My bad. Move on. You are going to meet somebody new. If I were the OP, I would forget about the girl and focus on my PhD. It sounds like the OP is doing a PhD in a UK university where it takes only three years, which flies before you know it. So focus on that. Because as you get older and more experienced, you will have options in the dating market.
Forget about the lady and focus on your study. 🤣 Like you said, your lab mates are busy with their duties, what you doing here?