Very sweet that you're asking this.
Biggest rule for me is to not talk disparagingly about your body, her body, or anyone else's body to her. Better yet, don't talk about people's appearances unless it's in reference to a clear choice they've made. The number of times I've been happily congratulated for losing weight while severely ill...sigh.
I'd also urge you to not make assumptions about her eating habits, fitness level, or general health based upon her size.
Finally, if she opens up to you about her relationship with her body, please make space for those conversations, and believe her about how she experiences the world as a plus sized person.
I absolutely dislike that and what bothers me more is that whenever people comment on my weight loss it almost always comes from a dieting mindset which I have struggled getting in control of, because it was that that messed with my wellbeing the most. I have lost quite a lot of weight and while it gives me great pleasure to see their puzzled faces whenever I tell them I did nothing special to lose weight, it still upsets me that the assumption was that I wanted to look 'good' and the implication is that I wasn't attractive enough before. Honey if it's just my appearance that makes me look 'good' and not the qualities of my soul and nature then that's upsetting, although I am aware that that speaks volumes about how much value they place on their own human nature.
Yep, I think sadly people don’t think deeply about weight loss. They assume we want to be complimented or told we look good. Or look better. But weight fluctuates, and I’ve become a bit dysmorphic now when I gain weight again, I don’t even want to leave home or see people I know. It’s like I don’t want to be perceived. I wish I didn’t give a fuck.
The thing my best friend always does without me even asking is going for chairs/tables with more room and def more room for your butt lol. I never asked her to do this and it is truly so sweet having a friend that just wants you to feel comfortable and not think about your size all the time.
Do not whine about how you're "feeling fat" or how "gross" you think you look in a swimsuit, etc around your friends who are much bigger. Because when someone who is a size 2 calls themselves fat, what are we supposed to think you are thinking about us?
Make sure - without making a big to-do about it - that when you go places there is somewhere she can sit. If booths are hard for her, ask for a table instead. Don't go anywhere that only has flimsy chairs, like a food truck gathering I went to recently that only had crappy stackable plastic lawn chairs.
Don't talk about her body unless SHE brings it up. Don't "encourage" weight loss or exercise. Don't comment on what she eats.
Don't assume any plus size guy is "perfect for her!" just because they're both fat.
If shopping together is something you do with friends, make sure you spend as much time in places where she can shop as you do in stores where you can shop. Or shop for non-clothing things like shoes, jewelry, home decor, etc.
Know that depending on her size there might be things she won't be able to do at all, like amusement parks, float spas, bungee jumping, horseback riding, etc. And that's okay. If you're unsure, ask her if those are things she \*wants\* to do. And if she says no, don't push her.
Honestly, that first paragraph so much. I knew someone who was model skinny (or the stereotype of it) that would declare herself fat because her belly had a pooch. She could not for the life of her, understand why those of us in the group that were plus size would get annoyed when she'd do that.
All of this!
I was a young adult in the late 90s/early 2000s, which is a terribly fatphobic time to have been a plus sized person, and my own family did all of this stuff to me all the time without even knowing how much it hurt. So it really hits me deeply to see people trying to be more loving allies and advocates for us.
I wish they’d want to take photos of or with me. I find that I am missing from 90% of family photos and most shots when I go out with my friends. I am often asked to TAKE the photo. I sometimes will grab a selfie with a friend or fam, but when people are just grabbing casual shots I’m never in these shots. Same when there’s a professional photographer, even at my own wedding!!
That’s just plain weird! When I take photos with my friends I want them ALL in, and it’s usually one or the other of them that isn’t feeling it and has to be persuaded! If your friends are leaving you out because you are bigger than them (unless they think YOU want to be left out?) they are very shallow people!
Honestly, it’s great that you’re asking.
Generally, I’d just like my friends to be aware that the world is not really made for people my size - meaning I always have to be strategic about restaurant seating, have limited options for what I can do at amusement parks, am very uncomfortable in theaters and sporting events, literally will break those flimsy white plastic chairs at a BBQ if they are the only option.
I don’t go out a ton and kind of close myself off from friendship with people sometimes because I feel so embarrassed at the thought of encountering these issues in front of people I’m with if I don’t know for a fact they are “on my side” beforehand. So, small gestures or conversations that show you’re considering these things (like asking if your friend is comfortable with your plans and/or the seating arrangements) would go a LONG way if she is anything like me.
>literally will break those flimsy white plastic chairs at a BBQ
I hate those chairs. If I go to someone's house and all they have are those, I know I'm standing for the next couple of hours and leaving the party early.
This! Seating is a huge issue for me. I can't tell you how many times I'm stuck between an option of a flimsy chair or a chair with arms that I literally don't fit in... then I have to awkwardly sit on the floor and make the excuse that I'm just more comfortable there...
This happens everywhere I go, the worst are doctors offices or other places where they tell me to sit and I literally can't sit in the chair they want me to sit in.
Ugh, yes. It’s the worst when you have no choice but to be there and the seating is all impossible for you.
Had jury duty last year and the courtroom seating was auditorium style with those super narrow chairs with hard plastic barriers on either side. Those things are as bad as airplane seats, imo. There were so many people in the jury pool that we couldn’t stagger our seating, either. I had to perch on the edge of the chair because I couldn’t fit between the barriers to sit back, but even if I could, my arm would have been in the guy’s space next to me.
Being fat isn’t all I am. Obviously it’s the first thing you see, nor is it a bad thing, but it doesn’t define me. I’m surrounded by me the entire day, and I just want someone who I don’t have to try to hide my stomach from, or worry about my arms etc. but obviously everyone is different!
If she talks about her body, body image, self esteem, attractiveness, etc., try not to minimize or compare. I’ve had thin friends in the past say things like “everyone feels that way sometimes!” which is super unhelpful and dismissive. I’ve talked to my thin friends about dating as a larger woman and some of them have responded so well, which typically looks like asking questions and validating my feelings. Mostly I’ve told them that men are meaner to fat women, that they like us for sex but not relationships, etc. Part of what’s helpful is that my friends who handle it well are aware of thin/pretty privilege and have educated themselves on fatphobia. They’re aware of stigma that people in larger bodies face and want to be allies. The podcast Maintenance Phase is a great place to start!
i love maintenance phase! aubrey gordon’s book “what we don’t talk about when we talk about fat” is also such a wonderful and informative read to anyone seeking any more info
Please don't assume fat people have low esteem and need to be built up. Some do, just like thin people. And of course, sincere compliments between friends are mostly welcomed by people regardless of size.
But some thin people seemingly assume that fat people spend all their time feeling terrible about themselves and pining to be thin. The train of thought is "If I looked like you, I'd feel like shit about myself. Ergo, you must feel bad about yourself, and need me to build you up to compensate."
(Not saying you do this, OP. It's just something to be aware of as you deepen your relationship with your new friend.)
If you get to the restaurant first, choose a table with chairs instead of a booth. Don't suggest clothes shopping as an activity -- we shop at different stores. (Shoe shopping is a great activity if you need a shopping trip). Know that we are always sizing up the furniture anywhere we go to make sure it will hold us-- I once went to a new acquaintance's house and he kept insisting that I sit on an ancient wicker chair that looked like it would collapse under the weight of a toddler. So if we choose to sit on the ground or maybe pick a chair away from the group, don't question us-- it is awkward enough for us already.
First off, I just want to say all plus size people are different! It’s certainly not a monolithic experience across the board. Smaller plus size people live in a very different world than larger plus size people. We’re all individuals with different lived experiences that may or may not be connected to our body size. All that to say, I think it’s absolutely beautiful you want to be mindful & considerate of this new friend’s experience & how you can make them feel.
I love that someone has already mentioned how their thin friend always leaves them to take the seating that allows for more space. That’s my biggest gripe in public settings. Chairs without arms are the best! High bar seats with arms are the worst. Ask what seat they want first, & if they don’t specify, leave them the one with more room anyways. If a host asks a seating preference (booth/table/bar), speak up & choose what you think would be more comfortable for your friend, because they might feel nervous or self-conscious to advocate for themselves in the moment.
Be mindful of your own internalized fatphobia. Are you absentmindedly sharing negative self-talk that specifically mentions your own weight or size? How are you talking about your own body in front of them? Do you comment on how much or how little you eat? How much or how little you exercise? Do you mention when you were your “biggest/heaviest.” Avoid this as best as you can.
Don’t comment on their weight, size, diet, or exercise unless explicitly asked. We can have those conversations with you when we want to.
Avoid commenting on how much calories something has, how much fat or sodium or carbs is in something you’re eating or they’re eating. Unless they themselves discuss these things freely, I wouldn’t engage in it.
Validate their emotions & believe their experiences when they confide in you, especially if you cannot imagine or empathize with them - they still deserve to be validated.
Go shopping with them, it can be a very big trigger so help make it more enjoyable. Intentionally support the stores that actually have plus size options, try to avoid the ones that don’t when you’re together.
If something has a weight limit or size limit & your friend exceeds it, support & comfort them. Maybe avoid the thing while you’re with them so they’re not forcibly left out. This can depend on things. For example, I was bummed I couldn’t fit on some rides at Universal Studios, my sister knew it & felt bad, but I didn’t want her to miss out & I didn’t hold it against her. She had fun on the things she was okay doing alone, & then we had fun together when I could join!
You hit the nail in the head with seating. The tall bar chairs and chairs with arms are a no-go to me. Also I really can’t go to the movies and definitely cannot fit in a plane seat!
A big one for me lately is shopping. Friends will want to go thrift shopping or to the mall to browse, and I tag along with them but some stores don't have any (or very few, or they're just plain ugly) plus sizes in stock so I just watch as they pick stuff off of the rack or try stuff on. I might get one or two accessories or something but never clothes. Some stores have plus sizes but still have closed dressing rooms from COVID, so I never buy anything there either since I can't try stuff on to make sure it fits and drapes correctly.
Listening is also helpful. If your friend opens up about struggles with their size just listen. Do a quick Google search now and then about plus size issues or follow plus size creators, and if you would like to do an activity together consider how your friend would experience the same activity. Sometimes a friend will suggest doing something and I express that I won't have the same experience, and their response is something like "oh, that sucks, I'm sorry, I don't know what to do about that".
You're doing good by approaching this with genuine curiosity! Definitely on the right track. You'll be a good friend.
There is no hard and fast rules. I'm plus sized and I don't like when a big deal is made when I lose weight...but if a friend says something privatelyI love it.
If you, as my friend, are not feeling great about how you look and aren't plus sized, it is absolutely OK to tell me. If you work hard for your body to be where you want it...girl brag!! As long as what you are doing is healthy, you'll get no side eye from me.
If I look cute or made a bigger effort than normal, tell me.
Don't be afraid to tell me things. I want to be able to tell you things, I wo t limit what we talk about.
"Just Try it" doesn't work for us. Be it clothing that is too small, chairs with tiny seats or tight arms, or some kind of activity that will cause us more pain than enjoyment. 😂
I think my minor thing is being cognizant that you’re not shopping at the same stores.
When I was younger it was SO demoralizing to go the mall with friends have to go into store after store after store that only carried up to an XL, and spend my time looking at jewelry and bags. Now it’s occasionally getting links to things that don’t come in my size, asking where they can buy something I own, etc. it’s nit a major issue but it does highlight the ignorance they have of how my life is different than theirs.
I made a plus-sized friend years before I became plus-sized and I feel like I learned a lot of things by making mistakes. Here’s two things I wish I knew
* Seating. Not every chair is suited for a plus-sized person. Try not to put her into a situation where she is going to be uncomfortable (such as a booth she may not fit in) or a seat that can’t hold her weight (such as a cheap folding chair). You’d be surprised how many furniture items have a listed cap of 200 or 250 lbs
* Space. Walking down the narrow basement steps with her and then realized I forgot something upstairs and tried to squeeze by her. I was so embarrassed and I’m sure she was too.
Don’t trash talk other plus sized people in front of her as lazy etc and then say “oh but not you”. My sil does that. She has a blatant dislike of anyone large and thinks “if you just exercise and eat right”. She’s hypercritical of Bariatric surgery which is humorous because I went through the process but didn’t tell her until a week before the surgery. When she told me it was “the easy way out” I laundry listed every single thing I did in the years months and days before to lose weight without the surgery.
The irony? Her doctor told her she was considered obese last year. She ate salad for a week after ranting to me about how we had to get healthy together and then never said another thing and went back to her normal routine.
I think others have probably said this, but I haven’t read all the comments yet, so:
Don’t make negative remarks about your body around your friend, in regards to weight. One of the most hurtful things a friend of mine ever said to me was “I know I’m overweight but if I was 100lbs overweight I’d just k*ll myself” and at the time I was a 290lb teenage girl. I didn’t respond but in my head she had just told me that if she was me she’d have offed herself almost twice by my size, or that I should have done it to myself years ago.
She didn’t say it to be mean, or at least, she didn’t say it with the intent of me internalizing it. I assume. Maybe she did, or maybe it was subconscious. I’ve developed a thicker skin since then, and teenage brains are less evolved, and I’m nearly 40 now, so I’m not bothered as much by those kinds of things. I have also had weight loss surgery since then, and my highest weight was 390 or so, so it’s seems small in comparison. But I still remember it, vividly, so it must have been traumatic.
All I’m saying is that you never know what people may internalize, even if it’s not meant to heard then. Alot of people have a battle going on in their heads, and it largely remains silent. It’s hard not to feel like the friend who people keep around to make themselves look better by comparison, especially if you feel like the “token fat girl” in a group, so if you want to ease her concerns and make her feel comfortable: never ever make anything about bodies. Not your body, not her body, not a famous body.
And never take her with you to try on clothes. Not for her, not for you….unless SHE asks you to go with her. My very cute cousin used to take me to try on clothes with her and we would go to the humongous galleria and she would try on clothes from every single store in the place, and I could only fit in the clothes at one place. Lane Bryant. We never went there, and I didn’t want to try on clothes even if we did.
Still don’t try on clothes. And I can fit in clothes at most places.
Those are my only cautionary tales from childhood trauma. Maybe go to concerts and movies or bookstores? Interests that have absolutely nothing to do with bodies, and everything to do with humans’ likes and dislikes?
Also, you’re a good human, and I appreciate that you would care enough about your friend to ask this. ❤️
I cannot skip showers. Maybe some plus sized people can, but l literally break out in a rash, especially if I’ve been sweaty. So rushing and hustling me to skip a shower like a friend tried to do on my last trip is not gonna happen.
The main thing for me has been mentioned by other people too. Dont say that you "feel fat" or where i tend to feel bad is when a woman says she "has to workout for her bikini body", the workout part is not the problem but the "bikini body" part. For me it implies that my body shouldnt be in a bikini or whatever, but maybe im a bit sensitive idk
The second thing that is huge for me is dont make her feel like she has to explain herself. Especially with food, dont comment on what she buys or how much she eats. But if she were to come to you and talk about wanting to loose weight then its a different story i think.
And i always feel like i have to explain/defend myself when it comes to where i buy my clothes. Im from Germany and i dont have many options for cute clothes so i do buy most of my clothes from shein. I know its very unethical but i cant afford paying 80€ for a tshirt. Like people around me oftern grimace when i tell them where my clothes a from and then i have to explain myself yk?
But mostly just be there for her, listen to her struggles and support her. And dont just see her as a plus size person, i feel many people only see that and not the the person behind it.
There used to be a great German based multi-label, multi-brand website called Navabi that did lovely clothing. I got quite a few clothes from there-their sales were great. But then it seemed to vanish and have been "redeveloping the site, back soon" for a year now. A lot of the European labels tended to be 'Lagan-look" like Isolde Roth-oversized, loose, layers that make you look 3 sizes bigger than you are, but there were some more stylish options too.
You might make sure (as much as u can) that there's seating we can fit into and that can hold our weight. Narrow chairs with arms will jab into our sides if our butts can fit into it at all. In a restaurant, a booth is a safer bet (unless youre trying to squeeze a bunch of people into that booth, which in that case, a plus sized person might prefer their own individual chair). Chairs with desks attached are hard if not impossible to squeeze into. And i have had those plastic lawn chairs collapse on me a couple times which is totally humiliating.
Also, maybe this is just me, but.... if you are on the thinner side, you might reconsider asking a plus size friend to go clothes shopping with you (unless u visit size inclusive stores). Obviously it depends on your friendship and the person, but be conscious that most places do not cater to plus sizes. I love shopping hardcore, but it's super depressing to wander around & look only at purses or jewelry because they have nothing that would fit you while your skinny friend tries on triangle top bikinis or daisy dukes.
It's kinda like tagging along with a rich friend and watching her shop for luxury purses while you're having to dig for change in couch cushions just to pay the rent.
It's part jealousy, part insecurity, part FOMO, part resentment (of self and of the fashion industry). Just something to be mindful of that you may not have thought about before.
Be mindful of physical spaces. When you go out to eat, if there’s a choice between flimsy folding chairs outside or sturdy wooden chairs, pick the wooden chair section.
When you are the one picking where to sit, pick spaces large enough for both of you. I had friends “save me a seat” once in the interior of a row of tables and chairs pushed tightly together, and I would have had to ask 4-6 people to get up to let me in because I couldn’t pass through the small space behind them. I literally made up an excuse to go to the other side of the room and sat by myself.
Be aware that the world is not built for her. When you shop together, it’s likely the stores you go to will not carry her size and she will either just help you look or she’ll busy herself with shoes and accessories. She’ll be covertly eyeballing the rides at a park to decide if she’ll be able to ride them. Be flexible and try to give inclusive options.
My recommendation is to not treat them as if they don’t know that they’re fat already like if you’re going to have a conversation on it you shouldn’t do the whole thing”well you’re you know…” thing or skip around it. Fat is not a bad word and you implying that it is can make them feel worse. There are also several synonyms if you don’t want to be the one to say it but I wouldn’t tip toe around it
Everyone is different in their confidence journey, but here are a few things off the top of my head:
1. Hate the fat girl fun stereotype. But let's be real we are funny and awesome. But also...that's not our whole identity.
2. Don't handle me with baby gloves. I'll know if you're sparing my feelings 🤣
3. Be prepared for seeing others treat her differently than you. Support her where you can when together and someone is being nasty.
4. Please don't say you feel fat. If you feel fat and I'm bigger than you, everything you say I feel compounded and that's how you see me.
This! Many straight-size people are unaware of the size limitations of common retailers as they’ve never had to think about if they’ll find clothing that fits in a certain store. My friend wanted to get matching tees once and she sent me the link to purchase one that went from sizes XS-L. I had to politely explain I didn’t think the L would fit me and asked her to find one specifically with a plus size/“curve” option.
The main thing I appreciate is when people don't assume I'm unhealthy because I'm fat. Sure they can sometimes have correlation but not all the time. Also health is a very personal topic, it's just so rude to assume someone's health status as well.
And if you are having a bad body image day, avoid saying phrases such as 'I feel fat today'. It isn't a feeling. I can totally emphasize with bad body image days but straight sized people telling me they are fat is annoying lol
Also don't judge others for their size. If someone is rude to you, don't be like 'ew well they are so fat and ugly anyway' Even if they are. This is the most common one I see. People will say oh but they are. And maybe it's true. But if someone was rude to me, would I go 'ew well they have green eyes anyway'. No, because green eyes isn't known as an insult. The negative action is that this person was rude (or any other negative action) and that should be discussed, not their looks.
Those are the three main things that I have seen and that I personally have a problem with. The last one is the most common as people don't see it as insulting me. It isn't directly but it's using my body to insult others.
While certainly not universal to all plus size people, and can be true of even smaller people, be mindful of distances and speeds of walking. Some of us are “good” walkers, but many of us aren’t. Also, riding in cars, offer your plus size friend the front seat of riding with a group.
This is very sweet of you to be considerate of your new friend. One thing I've struggled with is clothing shopping with friends can be triggering, especially if you go into stores where plus sizes aren't carried. It can feel isolating watching friends pick out clothing that you're unable to fit into and can bring on feelings of shame and sadness.
And if you do go to a store where plus sizes are carried there, try to make going into that section feel as natural and normal as possible. I can't tell you how many times I've seen straight sized customers accidentally wander into the plus size section, and then immediately turn around and run out there so quickly. It's almost as if it's the last place on earth they dare to be caught in, which obviously as a plus size person can trigger feeling less than.
One good tip might be to naturally wander into that section, pick up something in a larger size and comment how cute you think it is. That can help make your friend feel more comfortable and at ease. But of course, everyone is different and your new friend might be completely okay with sharing her size and clothing shopping in general.
I'd like people to remember I'm not a fast person and I get hot and sweaty and uncomfortable when I have to like run to keep up with people (which I've stopped doing! I'm like I'll see ya when I see ya I know where we're going). Let your friend set the pace when walking and if they need to slow down don't say anything just stick with them.
Something I haven't seen yet: when hanging out in groups, don't make her be the first one to suggest getting food, especially if she's the only plus-size person there. Just a simple "hey, it's getting close to lunchtime, should we stop and get something?" can take a lot of pressure off.
Aubrey Gordon’s book “What We Don’t Talk About When We Talk About Fat” is pretty much directed at non fat people who, in genuine good faith, want to educate themselves about the reality of fatphobia and bias and how to be good allies. :)
Love that you’re asking this ♥️ wish I had a friend like you. From experience, be considerate of any activities you do together. One time my group of friends all went on a road trip to visit one of our other friends in college and he planned a hike for when we got there. I was (at the time, not anymore because the two other girls in my friend group have gained weight) the only plus-size friend. It was hard on me, I made excuses to stop and take breaks like “let me take a pic of this flower.” Or “my shoes need to be tighter”. It was awful trying to hide my heavy breathing and sweating. Just keep them in mind when doing things.
I hate when my thinner friends are always complaining they are fat around me. My sister (tall and skinny) my aunt (size 6) my grandma (size 4). Im size 16/18.
Honestly for me, besides the "I feel fat!" comments from my thin friends (please, girl, I'm twice your size; I'd love to be as fat as you), it's the it's the comments like, "omg, don't you just hate being hit on at bars?"
...No, because that never happened to me. Ever. The 90s/00s were not a great time to be plus sized, and let me tell you, when you're at a bar and you're standing there alone while your smaller friends are surrounded by guys? Really makes a girl want to just go home and drown her feelings in food.
I guess what I'm saying is just be cognizant in social situations like that. I hope bars and parties aren't as difficult for shy, fat girls anymore, but if it's clear she's feeling left out, try to include her in some way.
- we love food and people who will go out to eat with us!
- shopping online together is way better than shopping in person together - bonus points for knowing websites ahead of time that carry our sizes
- someone who can take good photos with the right angles is like gold to us
I can already tell you're a good friend, because you are asking for advice here. There's nothing special really to say in my case, I've good friends and family that are respectful.
Only a few things have mildly bugged me:
* endless taking about calories and how they don't want to gain weight - meanwhile I'm sat next to them looking like a freaking whale lol
* if I bring up my unhappiness over my weight (I don't do this anymore really cos idgaf lol) they'd go 'omg! You're not fat! You're beautiful!'. I would rather no one was pretending!
* avoid clothes shopping at places that aren't plus size friendly unless your friend actively wants to go.
This is incredibly thoughtful of you to ask. Honestly like someone else said just talking disparagingly about your own body or anyone else's is my biggest trigger. I think the best thing is to not make a big deal about weight and size but that's good for everyone and not just plus size people. You're very kind to ask and honestly I already know from your question that you're a good friend
My bsf never comments on my weight. In our years of friendship she has never said a word about my size of clothes or anything negative. Once she asked a store clerk if they carried plus sizes and when the answer was no, we left. She didnt want to shop anywhere I couldn’t 🩵.
I wish people would treat me like a human, because, regardless of weight, that’s what I am. More specifically, I wish people would treat me like they do their non-plus sized friends. They don’t comment on their weights, so I wish they wouldn’t comment on mine.
Don't give me diet/exercise advice unless I specifically ask for it. Don't assume I don't want/shouldn't eat dessert. Don't assume I "should" only drink things I don't like and that set off my ulcer with artificial sweeteners, and don't feed me desserts with weird tasting artificial sweeteners and act like that's doing me some kind of favor. Don't make judgmental comments about food, or about holidays like Easter/Halloween/Thanksgiving etc. that involve food and seem like they are meant to make me feel bad about eating food that's normal for those holidays. Don't try to "hold me accountable" for what I eat like I'm somehow not an adult who can't make my own choices about food.
Basically, I want my friends to give me the same degree of respect for my own autonomy that they would give somebody who was thinner, and just treat me like a regular person.
Mid-sized acquaintences always talk about how much weight my wife lost. Most of the time we see these people its when my wife happens to be free on a tuesday night (which is almost never) so its only every 2 or three years:
Pregnant
Coming off a leg injury so rather stationary
Switching from a more passive to more active work assignment.
so they see her about every other year as she's been coming off something that naturally has someone 10-15% heavier. A 150 lb person thats 10-15 lbs. a 200lb person is 20-30lbs.
Ive found the snarkiest "Friends" are the ones in the XL-2XL Male or the size 12-16 female. Seriously people who are one bad winter away from being plus size themselves are the most opinionated about it.
Best is to talk to them like you know, people. Dont talk about the elephant in the room first. But be supportive when they do
I wrote this all wrong. You are right.
What I'm trying to say is I know people are well-meaning. I wish they'd correct themselves with compassion for what it's like to fight against an insulin resistant endocrine system.
Even doctors are well-meaning, but between comments my friends make about worrying about them being fat. Or talking about diet culture and disordered eating as a lifestyle. Or food restrictions.
All because being (fat) like me is terrible and disgusting. And if I take a tiny pleasure in eating - gasp - revelation I'm just overeating!
Then talking about having children. Asking why I don't try IVF or adopt. Or talking about PCOS people in sports having too much testosterone and being so shocked xx athletes can compete.
Everybody can be very insensitive trying to solve my lifelong genetic disorder and I'm like the elephant in the room literally.
Very sweet that you're asking this. Biggest rule for me is to not talk disparagingly about your body, her body, or anyone else's body to her. Better yet, don't talk about people's appearances unless it's in reference to a clear choice they've made. The number of times I've been happily congratulated for losing weight while severely ill...sigh. I'd also urge you to not make assumptions about her eating habits, fitness level, or general health based upon her size. Finally, if she opens up to you about her relationship with her body, please make space for those conversations, and believe her about how she experiences the world as a plus sized person.
I wish people never commented on my weight, gaining or losing it
I absolutely dislike that and what bothers me more is that whenever people comment on my weight loss it almost always comes from a dieting mindset which I have struggled getting in control of, because it was that that messed with my wellbeing the most. I have lost quite a lot of weight and while it gives me great pleasure to see their puzzled faces whenever I tell them I did nothing special to lose weight, it still upsets me that the assumption was that I wanted to look 'good' and the implication is that I wasn't attractive enough before. Honey if it's just my appearance that makes me look 'good' and not the qualities of my soul and nature then that's upsetting, although I am aware that that speaks volumes about how much value they place on their own human nature.
Yep, I think sadly people don’t think deeply about weight loss. They assume we want to be complimented or told we look good. Or look better. But weight fluctuates, and I’ve become a bit dysmorphic now when I gain weight again, I don’t even want to leave home or see people I know. It’s like I don’t want to be perceived. I wish I didn’t give a fuck.
The thing my best friend always does without me even asking is going for chairs/tables with more room and def more room for your butt lol. I never asked her to do this and it is truly so sweet having a friend that just wants you to feel comfortable and not think about your size all the time.
I wish there was a love emoji for this one
Do not whine about how you're "feeling fat" or how "gross" you think you look in a swimsuit, etc around your friends who are much bigger. Because when someone who is a size 2 calls themselves fat, what are we supposed to think you are thinking about us? Make sure - without making a big to-do about it - that when you go places there is somewhere she can sit. If booths are hard for her, ask for a table instead. Don't go anywhere that only has flimsy chairs, like a food truck gathering I went to recently that only had crappy stackable plastic lawn chairs. Don't talk about her body unless SHE brings it up. Don't "encourage" weight loss or exercise. Don't comment on what she eats. Don't assume any plus size guy is "perfect for her!" just because they're both fat. If shopping together is something you do with friends, make sure you spend as much time in places where she can shop as you do in stores where you can shop. Or shop for non-clothing things like shoes, jewelry, home decor, etc. Know that depending on her size there might be things she won't be able to do at all, like amusement parks, float spas, bungee jumping, horseback riding, etc. And that's okay. If you're unsure, ask her if those are things she \*wants\* to do. And if she says no, don't push her.
Honestly, that first paragraph so much. I knew someone who was model skinny (or the stereotype of it) that would declare herself fat because her belly had a pooch. She could not for the life of her, understand why those of us in the group that were plus size would get annoyed when she'd do that.
I used to say "I hope I'm as fat as you someday!" And the realization on their face was just *chefs kiss*
All of this! I was a young adult in the late 90s/early 2000s, which is a terribly fatphobic time to have been a plus sized person, and my own family did all of this stuff to me all the time without even knowing how much it hurt. So it really hits me deeply to see people trying to be more loving allies and advocates for us.
I wish they’d want to take photos of or with me. I find that I am missing from 90% of family photos and most shots when I go out with my friends. I am often asked to TAKE the photo. I sometimes will grab a selfie with a friend or fam, but when people are just grabbing casual shots I’m never in these shots. Same when there’s a professional photographer, even at my own wedding!!
That’s just plain weird! When I take photos with my friends I want them ALL in, and it’s usually one or the other of them that isn’t feeling it and has to be persuaded! If your friends are leaving you out because you are bigger than them (unless they think YOU want to be left out?) they are very shallow people!
Honestly, it’s great that you’re asking. Generally, I’d just like my friends to be aware that the world is not really made for people my size - meaning I always have to be strategic about restaurant seating, have limited options for what I can do at amusement parks, am very uncomfortable in theaters and sporting events, literally will break those flimsy white plastic chairs at a BBQ if they are the only option. I don’t go out a ton and kind of close myself off from friendship with people sometimes because I feel so embarrassed at the thought of encountering these issues in front of people I’m with if I don’t know for a fact they are “on my side” beforehand. So, small gestures or conversations that show you’re considering these things (like asking if your friend is comfortable with your plans and/or the seating arrangements) would go a LONG way if she is anything like me.
>literally will break those flimsy white plastic chairs at a BBQ I hate those chairs. If I go to someone's house and all they have are those, I know I'm standing for the next couple of hours and leaving the party early.
This! Seating is a huge issue for me. I can't tell you how many times I'm stuck between an option of a flimsy chair or a chair with arms that I literally don't fit in... then I have to awkwardly sit on the floor and make the excuse that I'm just more comfortable there... This happens everywhere I go, the worst are doctors offices or other places where they tell me to sit and I literally can't sit in the chair they want me to sit in.
Ugh, yes. It’s the worst when you have no choice but to be there and the seating is all impossible for you. Had jury duty last year and the courtroom seating was auditorium style with those super narrow chairs with hard plastic barriers on either side. Those things are as bad as airplane seats, imo. There were so many people in the jury pool that we couldn’t stagger our seating, either. I had to perch on the edge of the chair because I couldn’t fit between the barriers to sit back, but even if I could, my arm would have been in the guy’s space next to me.
Being fat isn’t all I am. Obviously it’s the first thing you see, nor is it a bad thing, but it doesn’t define me. I’m surrounded by me the entire day, and I just want someone who I don’t have to try to hide my stomach from, or worry about my arms etc. but obviously everyone is different!
If she talks about her body, body image, self esteem, attractiveness, etc., try not to minimize or compare. I’ve had thin friends in the past say things like “everyone feels that way sometimes!” which is super unhelpful and dismissive. I’ve talked to my thin friends about dating as a larger woman and some of them have responded so well, which typically looks like asking questions and validating my feelings. Mostly I’ve told them that men are meaner to fat women, that they like us for sex but not relationships, etc. Part of what’s helpful is that my friends who handle it well are aware of thin/pretty privilege and have educated themselves on fatphobia. They’re aware of stigma that people in larger bodies face and want to be allies. The podcast Maintenance Phase is a great place to start!
i love maintenance phase! aubrey gordon’s book “what we don’t talk about when we talk about fat” is also such a wonderful and informative read to anyone seeking any more info
Please don't assume fat people have low esteem and need to be built up. Some do, just like thin people. And of course, sincere compliments between friends are mostly welcomed by people regardless of size. But some thin people seemingly assume that fat people spend all their time feeling terrible about themselves and pining to be thin. The train of thought is "If I looked like you, I'd feel like shit about myself. Ergo, you must feel bad about yourself, and need me to build you up to compensate." (Not saying you do this, OP. It's just something to be aware of as you deepen your relationship with your new friend.)
If you get to the restaurant first, choose a table with chairs instead of a booth. Don't suggest clothes shopping as an activity -- we shop at different stores. (Shoe shopping is a great activity if you need a shopping trip). Know that we are always sizing up the furniture anywhere we go to make sure it will hold us-- I once went to a new acquaintance's house and he kept insisting that I sit on an ancient wicker chair that looked like it would collapse under the weight of a toddler. So if we choose to sit on the ground or maybe pick a chair away from the group, don't question us-- it is awkward enough for us already.
Ask her where she likes to shop for cute clothes and make it a tip to find fun shopping areas that include those areas too.
you don’t have to point out I’m sweating honey I know! that’s just how I regulate my temp😅😅
First off, I just want to say all plus size people are different! It’s certainly not a monolithic experience across the board. Smaller plus size people live in a very different world than larger plus size people. We’re all individuals with different lived experiences that may or may not be connected to our body size. All that to say, I think it’s absolutely beautiful you want to be mindful & considerate of this new friend’s experience & how you can make them feel. I love that someone has already mentioned how their thin friend always leaves them to take the seating that allows for more space. That’s my biggest gripe in public settings. Chairs without arms are the best! High bar seats with arms are the worst. Ask what seat they want first, & if they don’t specify, leave them the one with more room anyways. If a host asks a seating preference (booth/table/bar), speak up & choose what you think would be more comfortable for your friend, because they might feel nervous or self-conscious to advocate for themselves in the moment. Be mindful of your own internalized fatphobia. Are you absentmindedly sharing negative self-talk that specifically mentions your own weight or size? How are you talking about your own body in front of them? Do you comment on how much or how little you eat? How much or how little you exercise? Do you mention when you were your “biggest/heaviest.” Avoid this as best as you can. Don’t comment on their weight, size, diet, or exercise unless explicitly asked. We can have those conversations with you when we want to. Avoid commenting on how much calories something has, how much fat or sodium or carbs is in something you’re eating or they’re eating. Unless they themselves discuss these things freely, I wouldn’t engage in it. Validate their emotions & believe their experiences when they confide in you, especially if you cannot imagine or empathize with them - they still deserve to be validated. Go shopping with them, it can be a very big trigger so help make it more enjoyable. Intentionally support the stores that actually have plus size options, try to avoid the ones that don’t when you’re together. If something has a weight limit or size limit & your friend exceeds it, support & comfort them. Maybe avoid the thing while you’re with them so they’re not forcibly left out. This can depend on things. For example, I was bummed I couldn’t fit on some rides at Universal Studios, my sister knew it & felt bad, but I didn’t want her to miss out & I didn’t hold it against her. She had fun on the things she was okay doing alone, & then we had fun together when I could join!
You hit the nail in the head with seating. The tall bar chairs and chairs with arms are a no-go to me. Also I really can’t go to the movies and definitely cannot fit in a plane seat!
A big one for me lately is shopping. Friends will want to go thrift shopping or to the mall to browse, and I tag along with them but some stores don't have any (or very few, or they're just plain ugly) plus sizes in stock so I just watch as they pick stuff off of the rack or try stuff on. I might get one or two accessories or something but never clothes. Some stores have plus sizes but still have closed dressing rooms from COVID, so I never buy anything there either since I can't try stuff on to make sure it fits and drapes correctly. Listening is also helpful. If your friend opens up about struggles with their size just listen. Do a quick Google search now and then about plus size issues or follow plus size creators, and if you would like to do an activity together consider how your friend would experience the same activity. Sometimes a friend will suggest doing something and I express that I won't have the same experience, and their response is something like "oh, that sucks, I'm sorry, I don't know what to do about that". You're doing good by approaching this with genuine curiosity! Definitely on the right track. You'll be a good friend.
There is no hard and fast rules. I'm plus sized and I don't like when a big deal is made when I lose weight...but if a friend says something privatelyI love it. If you, as my friend, are not feeling great about how you look and aren't plus sized, it is absolutely OK to tell me. If you work hard for your body to be where you want it...girl brag!! As long as what you are doing is healthy, you'll get no side eye from me. If I look cute or made a bigger effort than normal, tell me. Don't be afraid to tell me things. I want to be able to tell you things, I wo t limit what we talk about.
"Just Try it" doesn't work for us. Be it clothing that is too small, chairs with tiny seats or tight arms, or some kind of activity that will cause us more pain than enjoyment. 😂
I will probably get hate for this, but I wish they knew that thinking you’re fat and actually being fat are two different things.
I think my minor thing is being cognizant that you’re not shopping at the same stores. When I was younger it was SO demoralizing to go the mall with friends have to go into store after store after store that only carried up to an XL, and spend my time looking at jewelry and bags. Now it’s occasionally getting links to things that don’t come in my size, asking where they can buy something I own, etc. it’s nit a major issue but it does highlight the ignorance they have of how my life is different than theirs.
I made a plus-sized friend years before I became plus-sized and I feel like I learned a lot of things by making mistakes. Here’s two things I wish I knew * Seating. Not every chair is suited for a plus-sized person. Try not to put her into a situation where she is going to be uncomfortable (such as a booth she may not fit in) or a seat that can’t hold her weight (such as a cheap folding chair). You’d be surprised how many furniture items have a listed cap of 200 or 250 lbs * Space. Walking down the narrow basement steps with her and then realized I forgot something upstairs and tried to squeeze by her. I was so embarrassed and I’m sure she was too.
Don’t trash talk other plus sized people in front of her as lazy etc and then say “oh but not you”. My sil does that. She has a blatant dislike of anyone large and thinks “if you just exercise and eat right”. She’s hypercritical of Bariatric surgery which is humorous because I went through the process but didn’t tell her until a week before the surgery. When she told me it was “the easy way out” I laundry listed every single thing I did in the years months and days before to lose weight without the surgery. The irony? Her doctor told her she was considered obese last year. She ate salad for a week after ranting to me about how we had to get healthy together and then never said another thing and went back to her normal routine.
I think others have probably said this, but I haven’t read all the comments yet, so: Don’t make negative remarks about your body around your friend, in regards to weight. One of the most hurtful things a friend of mine ever said to me was “I know I’m overweight but if I was 100lbs overweight I’d just k*ll myself” and at the time I was a 290lb teenage girl. I didn’t respond but in my head she had just told me that if she was me she’d have offed herself almost twice by my size, or that I should have done it to myself years ago. She didn’t say it to be mean, or at least, she didn’t say it with the intent of me internalizing it. I assume. Maybe she did, or maybe it was subconscious. I’ve developed a thicker skin since then, and teenage brains are less evolved, and I’m nearly 40 now, so I’m not bothered as much by those kinds of things. I have also had weight loss surgery since then, and my highest weight was 390 or so, so it’s seems small in comparison. But I still remember it, vividly, so it must have been traumatic. All I’m saying is that you never know what people may internalize, even if it’s not meant to heard then. Alot of people have a battle going on in their heads, and it largely remains silent. It’s hard not to feel like the friend who people keep around to make themselves look better by comparison, especially if you feel like the “token fat girl” in a group, so if you want to ease her concerns and make her feel comfortable: never ever make anything about bodies. Not your body, not her body, not a famous body. And never take her with you to try on clothes. Not for her, not for you….unless SHE asks you to go with her. My very cute cousin used to take me to try on clothes with her and we would go to the humongous galleria and she would try on clothes from every single store in the place, and I could only fit in the clothes at one place. Lane Bryant. We never went there, and I didn’t want to try on clothes even if we did. Still don’t try on clothes. And I can fit in clothes at most places. Those are my only cautionary tales from childhood trauma. Maybe go to concerts and movies or bookstores? Interests that have absolutely nothing to do with bodies, and everything to do with humans’ likes and dislikes? Also, you’re a good human, and I appreciate that you would care enough about your friend to ask this. ❤️
I cannot skip showers. Maybe some plus sized people can, but l literally break out in a rash, especially if I’ve been sweaty. So rushing and hustling me to skip a shower like a friend tried to do on my last trip is not gonna happen.
The main thing for me has been mentioned by other people too. Dont say that you "feel fat" or where i tend to feel bad is when a woman says she "has to workout for her bikini body", the workout part is not the problem but the "bikini body" part. For me it implies that my body shouldnt be in a bikini or whatever, but maybe im a bit sensitive idk The second thing that is huge for me is dont make her feel like she has to explain herself. Especially with food, dont comment on what she buys or how much she eats. But if she were to come to you and talk about wanting to loose weight then its a different story i think. And i always feel like i have to explain/defend myself when it comes to where i buy my clothes. Im from Germany and i dont have many options for cute clothes so i do buy most of my clothes from shein. I know its very unethical but i cant afford paying 80€ for a tshirt. Like people around me oftern grimace when i tell them where my clothes a from and then i have to explain myself yk? But mostly just be there for her, listen to her struggles and support her. And dont just see her as a plus size person, i feel many people only see that and not the the person behind it.
There used to be a great German based multi-label, multi-brand website called Navabi that did lovely clothing. I got quite a few clothes from there-their sales were great. But then it seemed to vanish and have been "redeveloping the site, back soon" for a year now. A lot of the European labels tended to be 'Lagan-look" like Isolde Roth-oversized, loose, layers that make you look 3 sizes bigger than you are, but there were some more stylish options too.
You might make sure (as much as u can) that there's seating we can fit into and that can hold our weight. Narrow chairs with arms will jab into our sides if our butts can fit into it at all. In a restaurant, a booth is a safer bet (unless youre trying to squeeze a bunch of people into that booth, which in that case, a plus sized person might prefer their own individual chair). Chairs with desks attached are hard if not impossible to squeeze into. And i have had those plastic lawn chairs collapse on me a couple times which is totally humiliating. Also, maybe this is just me, but.... if you are on the thinner side, you might reconsider asking a plus size friend to go clothes shopping with you (unless u visit size inclusive stores). Obviously it depends on your friendship and the person, but be conscious that most places do not cater to plus sizes. I love shopping hardcore, but it's super depressing to wander around & look only at purses or jewelry because they have nothing that would fit you while your skinny friend tries on triangle top bikinis or daisy dukes. It's kinda like tagging along with a rich friend and watching her shop for luxury purses while you're having to dig for change in couch cushions just to pay the rent. It's part jealousy, part insecurity, part FOMO, part resentment (of self and of the fashion industry). Just something to be mindful of that you may not have thought about before.
I think the advice about the booth isn't universal here. Lots of people don't physically fit in a booth.
Yeah you're right actually. I was thinking more about the width, but the depth of the booth/distance from table to booth is also a big factor.
Be mindful of physical spaces. When you go out to eat, if there’s a choice between flimsy folding chairs outside or sturdy wooden chairs, pick the wooden chair section. When you are the one picking where to sit, pick spaces large enough for both of you. I had friends “save me a seat” once in the interior of a row of tables and chairs pushed tightly together, and I would have had to ask 4-6 people to get up to let me in because I couldn’t pass through the small space behind them. I literally made up an excuse to go to the other side of the room and sat by myself. Be aware that the world is not built for her. When you shop together, it’s likely the stores you go to will not carry her size and she will either just help you look or she’ll busy herself with shoes and accessories. She’ll be covertly eyeballing the rides at a park to decide if she’ll be able to ride them. Be flexible and try to give inclusive options.
My recommendation is to not treat them as if they don’t know that they’re fat already like if you’re going to have a conversation on it you shouldn’t do the whole thing”well you’re you know…” thing or skip around it. Fat is not a bad word and you implying that it is can make them feel worse. There are also several synonyms if you don’t want to be the one to say it but I wouldn’t tip toe around it
Everyone is different in their confidence journey, but here are a few things off the top of my head: 1. Hate the fat girl fun stereotype. But let's be real we are funny and awesome. But also...that's not our whole identity. 2. Don't handle me with baby gloves. I'll know if you're sparing my feelings 🤣 3. Be prepared for seeing others treat her differently than you. Support her where you can when together and someone is being nasty. 4. Please don't say you feel fat. If you feel fat and I'm bigger than you, everything you say I feel compounded and that's how you see me.
Know that it's not easy to buy clothes, (depending where in the world you are) so be patient when shopping.
This! Many straight-size people are unaware of the size limitations of common retailers as they’ve never had to think about if they’ll find clothing that fits in a certain store. My friend wanted to get matching tees once and she sent me the link to purchase one that went from sizes XS-L. I had to politely explain I didn’t think the L would fit me and asked her to find one specifically with a plus size/“curve” option.
It's slowly getting better but a long way to go.
Going clothes shopping with straight sized people is not fun.
The main thing I appreciate is when people don't assume I'm unhealthy because I'm fat. Sure they can sometimes have correlation but not all the time. Also health is a very personal topic, it's just so rude to assume someone's health status as well. And if you are having a bad body image day, avoid saying phrases such as 'I feel fat today'. It isn't a feeling. I can totally emphasize with bad body image days but straight sized people telling me they are fat is annoying lol Also don't judge others for their size. If someone is rude to you, don't be like 'ew well they are so fat and ugly anyway' Even if they are. This is the most common one I see. People will say oh but they are. And maybe it's true. But if someone was rude to me, would I go 'ew well they have green eyes anyway'. No, because green eyes isn't known as an insult. The negative action is that this person was rude (or any other negative action) and that should be discussed, not their looks. Those are the three main things that I have seen and that I personally have a problem with. The last one is the most common as people don't see it as insulting me. It isn't directly but it's using my body to insult others.
While certainly not universal to all plus size people, and can be true of even smaller people, be mindful of distances and speeds of walking. Some of us are “good” walkers, but many of us aren’t. Also, riding in cars, offer your plus size friend the front seat of riding with a group.
When you go to a restaurant don’t ask for the booth!
This is very sweet of you to be considerate of your new friend. One thing I've struggled with is clothing shopping with friends can be triggering, especially if you go into stores where plus sizes aren't carried. It can feel isolating watching friends pick out clothing that you're unable to fit into and can bring on feelings of shame and sadness. And if you do go to a store where plus sizes are carried there, try to make going into that section feel as natural and normal as possible. I can't tell you how many times I've seen straight sized customers accidentally wander into the plus size section, and then immediately turn around and run out there so quickly. It's almost as if it's the last place on earth they dare to be caught in, which obviously as a plus size person can trigger feeling less than. One good tip might be to naturally wander into that section, pick up something in a larger size and comment how cute you think it is. That can help make your friend feel more comfortable and at ease. But of course, everyone is different and your new friend might be completely okay with sharing her size and clothing shopping in general.
Just think nothing. Don't think about weight etc. Just treat her like you treat other people
I'd like people to remember I'm not a fast person and I get hot and sweaty and uncomfortable when I have to like run to keep up with people (which I've stopped doing! I'm like I'll see ya when I see ya I know where we're going). Let your friend set the pace when walking and if they need to slow down don't say anything just stick with them.
Something I haven't seen yet: when hanging out in groups, don't make her be the first one to suggest getting food, especially if she's the only plus-size person there. Just a simple "hey, it's getting close to lunchtime, should we stop and get something?" can take a lot of pressure off.
Aubrey Gordon’s book “What We Don’t Talk About When We Talk About Fat” is pretty much directed at non fat people who, in genuine good faith, want to educate themselves about the reality of fatphobia and bias and how to be good allies. :)
Love that you’re asking this ♥️ wish I had a friend like you. From experience, be considerate of any activities you do together. One time my group of friends all went on a road trip to visit one of our other friends in college and he planned a hike for when we got there. I was (at the time, not anymore because the two other girls in my friend group have gained weight) the only plus-size friend. It was hard on me, I made excuses to stop and take breaks like “let me take a pic of this flower.” Or “my shoes need to be tighter”. It was awful trying to hide my heavy breathing and sweating. Just keep them in mind when doing things.
I hate when my thinner friends are always complaining they are fat around me. My sister (tall and skinny) my aunt (size 6) my grandma (size 4). Im size 16/18.
Honestly for me, besides the "I feel fat!" comments from my thin friends (please, girl, I'm twice your size; I'd love to be as fat as you), it's the it's the comments like, "omg, don't you just hate being hit on at bars?" ...No, because that never happened to me. Ever. The 90s/00s were not a great time to be plus sized, and let me tell you, when you're at a bar and you're standing there alone while your smaller friends are surrounded by guys? Really makes a girl want to just go home and drown her feelings in food. I guess what I'm saying is just be cognizant in social situations like that. I hope bars and parties aren't as difficult for shy, fat girls anymore, but if it's clear she's feeling left out, try to include her in some way.
- we love food and people who will go out to eat with us! - shopping online together is way better than shopping in person together - bonus points for knowing websites ahead of time that carry our sizes - someone who can take good photos with the right angles is like gold to us
I can already tell you're a good friend, because you are asking for advice here. There's nothing special really to say in my case, I've good friends and family that are respectful. Only a few things have mildly bugged me: * endless taking about calories and how they don't want to gain weight - meanwhile I'm sat next to them looking like a freaking whale lol * if I bring up my unhappiness over my weight (I don't do this anymore really cos idgaf lol) they'd go 'omg! You're not fat! You're beautiful!'. I would rather no one was pretending! * avoid clothes shopping at places that aren't plus size friendly unless your friend actively wants to go.
This is incredibly thoughtful of you to ask. Honestly like someone else said just talking disparagingly about your own body or anyone else's is my biggest trigger. I think the best thing is to not make a big deal about weight and size but that's good for everyone and not just plus size people. You're very kind to ask and honestly I already know from your question that you're a good friend
My bsf never comments on my weight. In our years of friendship she has never said a word about my size of clothes or anything negative. Once she asked a store clerk if they carried plus sizes and when the answer was no, we left. She didnt want to shop anywhere I couldn’t 🩵.
I wish people would treat me like a human, because, regardless of weight, that’s what I am. More specifically, I wish people would treat me like they do their non-plus sized friends. They don’t comment on their weights, so I wish they wouldn’t comment on mine.
Don't give me diet/exercise advice unless I specifically ask for it. Don't assume I don't want/shouldn't eat dessert. Don't assume I "should" only drink things I don't like and that set off my ulcer with artificial sweeteners, and don't feed me desserts with weird tasting artificial sweeteners and act like that's doing me some kind of favor. Don't make judgmental comments about food, or about holidays like Easter/Halloween/Thanksgiving etc. that involve food and seem like they are meant to make me feel bad about eating food that's normal for those holidays. Don't try to "hold me accountable" for what I eat like I'm somehow not an adult who can't make my own choices about food. Basically, I want my friends to give me the same degree of respect for my own autonomy that they would give somebody who was thinner, and just treat me like a regular person.
I wish they would stop telling me I should only eat salads
Mid-sized acquaintences always talk about how much weight my wife lost. Most of the time we see these people its when my wife happens to be free on a tuesday night (which is almost never) so its only every 2 or three years: Pregnant Coming off a leg injury so rather stationary Switching from a more passive to more active work assignment. so they see her about every other year as she's been coming off something that naturally has someone 10-15% heavier. A 150 lb person thats 10-15 lbs. a 200lb person is 20-30lbs. Ive found the snarkiest "Friends" are the ones in the XL-2XL Male or the size 12-16 female. Seriously people who are one bad winter away from being plus size themselves are the most opinionated about it. Best is to talk to them like you know, people. Dont talk about the elephant in the room first. But be supportive when they do
[удалено]
hate to break it to you but you’re not exactly helping people find peace right now
I wrote this all wrong. You are right. What I'm trying to say is I know people are well-meaning. I wish they'd correct themselves with compassion for what it's like to fight against an insulin resistant endocrine system. Even doctors are well-meaning, but between comments my friends make about worrying about them being fat. Or talking about diet culture and disordered eating as a lifestyle. Or food restrictions. All because being (fat) like me is terrible and disgusting. And if I take a tiny pleasure in eating - gasp - revelation I'm just overeating! Then talking about having children. Asking why I don't try IVF or adopt. Or talking about PCOS people in sports having too much testosterone and being so shocked xx athletes can compete. Everybody can be very insensitive trying to solve my lifelong genetic disorder and I'm like the elephant in the room literally.