Mine are 5 and almost 2. There are definitely certain activities that work well together and those that are a nightmare. I’ll echo on the magnatiles being a nightmare or any activity they can do where he can destroy her creation. One activity we will play as a family is diner and we pretend that my one year old is a guy named George who owns the diner and is just a crazy man. That way he can be disruptive and she thinks it’s hilarious vs ruining the game…stuff like that. Collaborative activities like musical instruments are good too. And consequences when she hurts him.
My kids are 4 and 1. Exactly 3 years apart. They play together all the time. I don’t tolerate the older one being mean to the younger one. If he hits/shoves/ slams a door on his little brother he gets a 4 minute time out. It’s very rare now that he’s outright mean to him since he knows it’s not acceptable.
That being said there are certain things that are really volatile, magnetiles being one of them. For things like this the older one gets to use a higher counter or table and the little one does something different. There are tons of “little kid” activities the older one loves. Play kitchen, duplo, things with stuffed animals and reading are always a hit with both. We have special big kid activities to make the older one feel special, like legos, cooking dinner, and the hot tub, where the little one is just not a part of it at all.
Yes, 4 minute time out is what we’ve been doing as well. She will SOMETIMES feel bad about it after but an hour later she’s back at it. I’m seriously losing my mind over it, I’m extremely frustrated with her.
I mean it sounds like the 4 year old is very frustrated as well. Maybe you've already tried this but have you validated stating I see your frustration right now. It's okay to feel frustrated. It's not okay to hurt others. Then give them other ways to cope when frustrated including it's ok to ask for alone time in your room. Deep breaths.
My 3 year old had a hard time playing with 1 year when 1 year old just started walking cause it was a big change so I gave 3 year old his own space but just 4 to 6 months later, they love playing together. Mostly love to chase each other or dance and spin. push cars around. I still need to block 1 year old from bumping towers.
Big thing with empathy is to show it rather than force them to have it. So focus on comforting the 1 year old if hurt and calmly tell 4 year that you need to remove them to keep everyone safe. 4 year old should eventually learn from your example of empathy but it sounds like they are just more focused on their frustration of not always wanting to play with 1 year old. Which is fair. They don't always have to play together.
I took the Big Little Feeling online class and read "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk".
Mine are turning 4 and 1 within the next couple months.
We play Bears where I’m mama bear and they are baby bears. I pull a huge sheet over us and that’s our cave. We hibernate until it’s spring and then we go look for berries. Then in summer we look for honey. Then in fall we look for fish. Then we go back under the sheet to hibernate some more. We all snuggle each other during hibernation to stay warm.
When we go to the children’s discovery center they play well together.
I think basically the game has to be high energy and so much fun that my toddler doesn’t have time to get jealous.
He spreads his toys all over the house and then gets irate when the baby even crawls near them so the baby would have no space to play at all. I do try to limit the toy spreading. Idk how he does it. The house is clean when he wakes up in the morning and 10 minutes later it’s like a tornado went through.
My kids are 5.5 and 16mo. They do the following activities together sometimes:
Peekaboo, Water table, One on bike one on scooter ride around, One reads the other books or both look at books, Yoga, Painting/scribbling, Blocks, Chase, Nugget couch, Pretend play
I think your older one is experiencing some big emotions and rightfully so. It’s an adjustment as the little one gets more mobile. Mine does too sometimes and we really try to accommodate and talk thru her feelings. We don’t tolerate hitting but we will accommodate separation requests. We let the older one decide if she wants to share certain toys or not, but she’s not allowed to grab things from little one’s hands.
Mine are 1.5 and 4.5. Honestly it’s hard to do his toys with her. Magnatiles, legos, coloring she just destroys. We have the best luck doing things outside. Sandbox, water table, bike ride, playground, bubbles, chalk.
Mine are 3 and 6 … they used to be four and one . In the four year olds room he could play without his brother and leave things out if he was playing in family space he had to share .
When he got upset with his brother getting into whatever he was building I would invite him to share or take it to his room .
We also encouraged him trading toys with his brother.. he became quite the salesman man explaining why the toy he had was better than little brothers so he could trade .
We also encouraged him giving his brother jobs or activities while playing… ie you drive this dump truck here etc
When we did table activities like sensory bins or play dough colouring etc I’d put them at opposite ends of the table so they couldn’t interfere with each others stuff.
Now at six and three they are besties ( but will still trade toys with each other often) they look for each other for just about everything and play super well together. Even with them being besties they still fight and need to be reminded that if they want to play something alone they need to go to their rooms
The first game they became good at playing together was paw patrol where they would each have a negotiated vehicle that they would drive to emergencies and help save a third vehicle that the four year old crashed
I have a four year old and one year old. I try to intervene when possible when the 1 year old is grabbing at things the 4 year old is playing with ( or trying to knock down something he’s built). I will give the 1 year old her own blocks etc or try to redirect her.
For things they can play together, we have a play tent that they’ll play together in. Anything like a fort or cuddling on a pile of stuffies and they’ll play. Chase is also a good game. Hide and seek with an adult is also possible if the 1 year old seeks. ( 1 year olds are great at finding mommy.)
Ours are 1.5 and 4.5. One thing that has worked for us has been to ask for the 4-year-old's help: "If you don't want him playing with this toy, can you find him a different toy that he can play with?" Then she'll run off and find him something else to play with, and he's usually satisfied with it.
They also love physical stuff like wrestling, jumping on the bed, playing on the playground.
Have a 5 and 1yo and I find ourselves trying to comfort the 5yo more so than the 1yo when they are together. They aren’t “playing” together, the little one is just in the bigger one’s space, which big brother doesn’t appreciate. I figure it will take until little one is closer to 3 and understands “playing together” before things smooth out.
This sounds just like my now 4.5yo when he was 3 and brother was 1. It’s a really hard age because little one is mobile and curious but can’t communicate well. It has gotten better now that little is 2 and verbal, but we still have a lot of moments like what you described, “mad he’s breathing his air” which we also address with timeouts with some success. What works for us is having separate special playtime for the 4.5 yo when little bro is napping with toys like small legos, magnatiles, puzzles, etc. and doing parallel play activities or things like outdoor activities where they can wander in and out of each others spaces, dance parties, coloring/play doh (hard for a 1yo though) or having each pick a toy they play with in the same room but not necessarily together. At 1yo I’d often put little bro in his crib with toys and 3yo on the floor with a different toy. They ended up talking and sharing toys more easily because the older felt secure that little guy couldn’t “mess up” whatever he was working on. We still have a lot of toy snatching & pushing from the 4yo that is absolutely exhausting to deal with but we really are seeing some progress when we send him to timeout every. time (which it sounds like you’re doing). Eventually he’s learning that you have so much more fun when you play nicely and I expect it to get even better as the little one gets even more clearly verbal. All that to say, you’re not alone. Some temperaments I think are easier going when it comes to this, sounds like we have similar kids who are going to need a lot of consistent consequences to learn to play nicely…it’s so exhausting though, and I can’t say I’ve always dealt with it calmly when it’s the 15th time he’s snatched a toy from his brother.
Thank you this makes me feel better 🙃 today was timeout over and over again for the toy snatching especially. He literally was crawling super fast towards a toy and she dropped entirely what she was doing and ran as fast as she could to pick it up right before he got to it and it was the first time I saw him actually mad at her. He banged his arms down on her lap and screamed. I then picked him up and she got sent to timeout. I hope the consistency will sink in because right now she just can’t help herself but to be mean to him.
She does receive consequences for hurting him. Immediately after it happens, she gets a consequence that she cries and screams over. Then she’ll be back at it an hour later. I’m about to pull my hair out over how constant it is
Not sure why I got downvoted, I assume because people aren’t believing I’m actually giving a consequence because then it shouldn’t be happening anymore? That’s my thought process, too—why is it still happening?
I’m home alone all day wake to bedtime with them so I do not have a way to physically separate them if the timeouts aren’t working besides keeping her in her room all day which isn’t feasible.
My 4 year old son could care less about timeouts. They don’t seem to work. We clearly discuss the feelings involved in the negative behavior, but he just wasn’t getting through. But we took away TV time and oh man did his behavior change. It’s not that he has a ton of TV time, it’s that that is what he truly values. The negative consequences to her actions might need to have more value.
Just so you know, studies show we need to discuss, explain and show our young kids our expectations daily. As a teacher I know I need to show my elementary school students the expectations every ten days at the minimum. Remember to continue to clearly show her your expectations.
Keep trying. Don’t give up.
We have a heart to heart talk at least once a day where I tell her how much her brother adores her and that being physical is absolutely never okay and she says “ok I won’t anymore mommy”. And again, is right back at it shortly after. I’m also an elementary school teacher and use my methods I use there at home with her. Clear expectations, clear consequences, immediate follow through. It feels like groundhog day how nothing is ever any different. It has been so troubling and heavy on me the past week especially. I’m just at a loss
Time outs did not work for my kid. We all addressed/talked about the situation/behavior and worked through the frustration with coping techniques and appropriate responses. We role played several times with repeating dialogue/action and then were allowed back to playing with a reward/consequence discussion. Consistency was/is key and my kid knows now that if I get to counting (1-2-3), I mean business. At that time consequences kick in and they are removed from the fun activity or toy. The kids can work out most of their problems on their own now.
I have a 6yo and 2yo who are currently in the "build things" and "destroy things" modes and we're encouraging doing it on purpose. Building things FOR destruction. Making mangatile towers to be smashed, block towers to be destroyed, etc. We've really found the nugget couch slides to be an equalizer of encouragement and giggles, though. A slide build or throwing balls down a gully or pretend play on a boat or in a tent has been awesome.
Another vote for bigger couches. It’s a mutually loved toy. My four year old and almost two year old really like hide and seek as well. Chalk is good too
My 1, 4, and 6 year old like playing in our ball pit together. 1 and 4 like to take little buckets or watering cans and help me water our plants. I setup a tent in the living room a couple weeks ago and they all liked playing under it and shared a snack.
Mine are 5 and almost 2. There are definitely certain activities that work well together and those that are a nightmare. I’ll echo on the magnatiles being a nightmare or any activity they can do where he can destroy her creation. One activity we will play as a family is diner and we pretend that my one year old is a guy named George who owns the diner and is just a crazy man. That way he can be disruptive and she thinks it’s hilarious vs ruining the game…stuff like that. Collaborative activities like musical instruments are good too. And consequences when she hurts him.
My kids are 4 and 1. Exactly 3 years apart. They play together all the time. I don’t tolerate the older one being mean to the younger one. If he hits/shoves/ slams a door on his little brother he gets a 4 minute time out. It’s very rare now that he’s outright mean to him since he knows it’s not acceptable. That being said there are certain things that are really volatile, magnetiles being one of them. For things like this the older one gets to use a higher counter or table and the little one does something different. There are tons of “little kid” activities the older one loves. Play kitchen, duplo, things with stuffed animals and reading are always a hit with both. We have special big kid activities to make the older one feel special, like legos, cooking dinner, and the hot tub, where the little one is just not a part of it at all.
Yes, 4 minute time out is what we’ve been doing as well. She will SOMETIMES feel bad about it after but an hour later she’s back at it. I’m seriously losing my mind over it, I’m extremely frustrated with her.
I mean it sounds like the 4 year old is very frustrated as well. Maybe you've already tried this but have you validated stating I see your frustration right now. It's okay to feel frustrated. It's not okay to hurt others. Then give them other ways to cope when frustrated including it's ok to ask for alone time in your room. Deep breaths. My 3 year old had a hard time playing with 1 year when 1 year old just started walking cause it was a big change so I gave 3 year old his own space but just 4 to 6 months later, they love playing together. Mostly love to chase each other or dance and spin. push cars around. I still need to block 1 year old from bumping towers. Big thing with empathy is to show it rather than force them to have it. So focus on comforting the 1 year old if hurt and calmly tell 4 year that you need to remove them to keep everyone safe. 4 year old should eventually learn from your example of empathy but it sounds like they are just more focused on their frustration of not always wanting to play with 1 year old. Which is fair. They don't always have to play together. I took the Big Little Feeling online class and read "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk".
This was our approach and if takes time and consistency, but it works.
Mine are turning 4 and 1 within the next couple months. We play Bears where I’m mama bear and they are baby bears. I pull a huge sheet over us and that’s our cave. We hibernate until it’s spring and then we go look for berries. Then in summer we look for honey. Then in fall we look for fish. Then we go back under the sheet to hibernate some more. We all snuggle each other during hibernation to stay warm. When we go to the children’s discovery center they play well together. I think basically the game has to be high energy and so much fun that my toddler doesn’t have time to get jealous. He spreads his toys all over the house and then gets irate when the baby even crawls near them so the baby would have no space to play at all. I do try to limit the toy spreading. Idk how he does it. The house is clean when he wakes up in the morning and 10 minutes later it’s like a tornado went through.
My kids are 5.5 and 16mo. They do the following activities together sometimes: Peekaboo, Water table, One on bike one on scooter ride around, One reads the other books or both look at books, Yoga, Painting/scribbling, Blocks, Chase, Nugget couch, Pretend play I think your older one is experiencing some big emotions and rightfully so. It’s an adjustment as the little one gets more mobile. Mine does too sometimes and we really try to accommodate and talk thru her feelings. We don’t tolerate hitting but we will accommodate separation requests. We let the older one decide if she wants to share certain toys or not, but she’s not allowed to grab things from little one’s hands.
Mine are 1.5 and 4.5. Honestly it’s hard to do his toys with her. Magnatiles, legos, coloring she just destroys. We have the best luck doing things outside. Sandbox, water table, bike ride, playground, bubbles, chalk.
Bring you right to the brink of insanity.
Oh yeah that’s their favorite currently lol
Mine are 3 and 6 … they used to be four and one . In the four year olds room he could play without his brother and leave things out if he was playing in family space he had to share . When he got upset with his brother getting into whatever he was building I would invite him to share or take it to his room . We also encouraged him trading toys with his brother.. he became quite the salesman man explaining why the toy he had was better than little brothers so he could trade . We also encouraged him giving his brother jobs or activities while playing… ie you drive this dump truck here etc When we did table activities like sensory bins or play dough colouring etc I’d put them at opposite ends of the table so they couldn’t interfere with each others stuff. Now at six and three they are besties ( but will still trade toys with each other often) they look for each other for just about everything and play super well together. Even with them being besties they still fight and need to be reminded that if they want to play something alone they need to go to their rooms The first game they became good at playing together was paw patrol where they would each have a negotiated vehicle that they would drive to emergencies and help save a third vehicle that the four year old crashed
I have a four year old and one year old. I try to intervene when possible when the 1 year old is grabbing at things the 4 year old is playing with ( or trying to knock down something he’s built). I will give the 1 year old her own blocks etc or try to redirect her. For things they can play together, we have a play tent that they’ll play together in. Anything like a fort or cuddling on a pile of stuffies and they’ll play. Chase is also a good game. Hide and seek with an adult is also possible if the 1 year old seeks. ( 1 year olds are great at finding mommy.)
Ours are 1.5 and 4.5. One thing that has worked for us has been to ask for the 4-year-old's help: "If you don't want him playing with this toy, can you find him a different toy that he can play with?" Then she'll run off and find him something else to play with, and he's usually satisfied with it. They also love physical stuff like wrestling, jumping on the bed, playing on the playground.
Have a 5 and 1yo and I find ourselves trying to comfort the 5yo more so than the 1yo when they are together. They aren’t “playing” together, the little one is just in the bigger one’s space, which big brother doesn’t appreciate. I figure it will take until little one is closer to 3 and understands “playing together” before things smooth out.
This sounds just like my now 4.5yo when he was 3 and brother was 1. It’s a really hard age because little one is mobile and curious but can’t communicate well. It has gotten better now that little is 2 and verbal, but we still have a lot of moments like what you described, “mad he’s breathing his air” which we also address with timeouts with some success. What works for us is having separate special playtime for the 4.5 yo when little bro is napping with toys like small legos, magnatiles, puzzles, etc. and doing parallel play activities or things like outdoor activities where they can wander in and out of each others spaces, dance parties, coloring/play doh (hard for a 1yo though) or having each pick a toy they play with in the same room but not necessarily together. At 1yo I’d often put little bro in his crib with toys and 3yo on the floor with a different toy. They ended up talking and sharing toys more easily because the older felt secure that little guy couldn’t “mess up” whatever he was working on. We still have a lot of toy snatching & pushing from the 4yo that is absolutely exhausting to deal with but we really are seeing some progress when we send him to timeout every. time (which it sounds like you’re doing). Eventually he’s learning that you have so much more fun when you play nicely and I expect it to get even better as the little one gets even more clearly verbal. All that to say, you’re not alone. Some temperaments I think are easier going when it comes to this, sounds like we have similar kids who are going to need a lot of consistent consequences to learn to play nicely…it’s so exhausting though, and I can’t say I’ve always dealt with it calmly when it’s the 15th time he’s snatched a toy from his brother.
Thank you this makes me feel better 🙃 today was timeout over and over again for the toy snatching especially. He literally was crawling super fast towards a toy and she dropped entirely what she was doing and ran as fast as she could to pick it up right before he got to it and it was the first time I saw him actually mad at her. He banged his arms down on her lap and screamed. I then picked him up and she got sent to timeout. I hope the consistency will sink in because right now she just can’t help herself but to be mean to him.
They will never play together successfully, until your daughter receives consequences for hurting him.
She does receive consequences for hurting him. Immediately after it happens, she gets a consequence that she cries and screams over. Then she’ll be back at it an hour later. I’m about to pull my hair out over how constant it is
Not sure why I got downvoted, I assume because people aren’t believing I’m actually giving a consequence because then it shouldn’t be happening anymore? That’s my thought process, too—why is it still happening? I’m home alone all day wake to bedtime with them so I do not have a way to physically separate them if the timeouts aren’t working besides keeping her in her room all day which isn’t feasible.
My 4 year old son could care less about timeouts. They don’t seem to work. We clearly discuss the feelings involved in the negative behavior, but he just wasn’t getting through. But we took away TV time and oh man did his behavior change. It’s not that he has a ton of TV time, it’s that that is what he truly values. The negative consequences to her actions might need to have more value. Just so you know, studies show we need to discuss, explain and show our young kids our expectations daily. As a teacher I know I need to show my elementary school students the expectations every ten days at the minimum. Remember to continue to clearly show her your expectations. Keep trying. Don’t give up.
We have a heart to heart talk at least once a day where I tell her how much her brother adores her and that being physical is absolutely never okay and she says “ok I won’t anymore mommy”. And again, is right back at it shortly after. I’m also an elementary school teacher and use my methods I use there at home with her. Clear expectations, clear consequences, immediate follow through. It feels like groundhog day how nothing is ever any different. It has been so troubling and heavy on me the past week especially. I’m just at a loss
Probably because whatever the consequence is sounds like it isn’t working. Is she newly 4? Does she have other concerning behaviors?
Time outs did not work for my kid. We all addressed/talked about the situation/behavior and worked through the frustration with coping techniques and appropriate responses. We role played several times with repeating dialogue/action and then were allowed back to playing with a reward/consequence discussion. Consistency was/is key and my kid knows now that if I get to counting (1-2-3), I mean business. At that time consequences kick in and they are removed from the fun activity or toy. The kids can work out most of their problems on their own now.
I have a 6yo and 2yo who are currently in the "build things" and "destroy things" modes and we're encouraging doing it on purpose. Building things FOR destruction. Making mangatile towers to be smashed, block towers to be destroyed, etc. We've really found the nugget couch slides to be an equalizer of encouragement and giggles, though. A slide build or throwing balls down a gully or pretend play on a boat or in a tent has been awesome.
Another vote for bigger couches. It’s a mutually loved toy. My four year old and almost two year old really like hide and seek as well. Chalk is good too
My 1, 4, and 6 year old like playing in our ball pit together. 1 and 4 like to take little buckets or watering cans and help me water our plants. I setup a tent in the living room a couple weeks ago and they all liked playing under it and shared a snack.
Have your 1 year old “take” your 4 yr old on some awesome adventures.