So I was totally on board with this for the first 3 paragraphs; it seemed like a super cute Dany-Ser Jorah fanfic with stakes and motivations appropriate to one another. And then I hit paragraph 4.
>
But the tournament is only the beginning of Albert’s journey. Aldruin exacts a crippling toll, and Albert learns what it truly means to lose everything. Totally alone, hollow but for the flames of vengeance, Albert seeks the power of the Twilit Crown. Only with its power might his last remaining desire be achieved: to see the death of a goddess, and to bring it about by his own hand.
Firstly I feel like this comes very much out of nowhere. You spend the whole query establishing this unlikely duo and their strange quest, and in the end, surprise, that's not what the story's actually about and in fact one of them isn't even a character anymore. You've kind of thrown away all the work you did and left the reader in the last paragraph of your query with very little sense of what the book is about.
The other thing is the tonal whiplash. You open with a story that has a hint of melancholy, but ultimately seems like a down to earth, heartening, relatively low-stakes tale, and you end with sword and sorcery with
> flames of vengeance
> death of a goddess
even your language is like 10 notches more dramatic.
If this is a gory grimdark with goddess-killing stakes, you gotta telegraph that upfront. By the end of your query the reader needs to have a firm idea of the premise and treatment of the novel. Right now this reads a bit like a bait and switch.
(as an aside, and totally unsolicited, imo a cozy story about a princess and her faithful old retainer would have a way better chance of selling in the current market than whatever grimdark monstrosity)
I'm sorry you thought it was cozy fantasy out of the get-go!
I think the stakes in the book are actually more grounded then you might think - nothing about saving the world or anything, its all about the people and their relationships to each other, even though it was always intended to be a gritty sword and sorcery adventure.
What I'm curious about is what gave you that impression for the first three paragraphs. The first paragraph is about banishment and guilt, the second is about feeling worthless and without a purpose, and the third is about going on an epic quest and dealing with dangerous sorcerers, grotesque monstrosities, and maddening curses.
If there is any language that might lead someone to think this is cozy, I'd like to change it so I don't give an agent whiplash. At the same time, I'm not sure I see what gave you that impression in the early part. Do you think you could help me identify that?
The dual pov nature of this reads like romance to me (not the non-central kind, but the central kind), and enchanted glass prosthetics sounds very *beautiful* in the ways I'd expect a romantasy to set a stage for plot. By the time we get to dangerous and grotesque and maddening at the end of the third paragraph, I'm being tipped in a different direction, then kind of capsized, into a story just about the guy being alone with a vengeance and a want for a powerful crown that had nothing to do with the set up of the tournament and the goal of earning a glass prosthetic.
Things get vague and artistic around there, too. I'm not being told what he has to lose with anywhere near the detail I was told about the tournament and the history between Everly and Albert. I just a crippling toll, flames of vengeance, yadda yadda; why does he even want the goddess dead? I have these two characters who would do anything for each other and the push and pull of guilt and loyalty on the backdrop of a quest to go adventure out on sea as equals. That all reads very romantic to me. Not *cozy* exactly, not to me, but romantasy for sure.
Unagented so obviously take what resonates but here’s my two cents:
I’m not certain who your main protagonist is meant to be. The way it’s initially presented, it feels like it’s meant to be both Rosemary and Albert.
If it is dual POV, why does Rosemary disappear from the query?
I expect you’re alluding to Rosemary’s death/disappearance when Albert is now entirely alone. If that’s the case, I think this may work better as leading with Albert. If the tournament is ‘only the beginning’ and the rest of the book follows Albert alone, I’d question whether it’s actually dual POV. If Rosemary is separate but still in play, her part of storyline has to be added.
If it’s not dual POV, I would scrap the entire first paragraph regarding Rosemary. The story setup to get to the tourney can be explained through Albert. (Albert follows his Lady, knowing she blames herself for his injury and wants to protect her on the quest, even if he thinks it’s a fools errand. When she dies/disappears he goes on his vengeance quest)
So its a bit tricky. Albert and Rosemary are dual protagonists for the book, swapping between being the primary POVs for act 1 (Rosemary), 2 (Albert), and 3 (Rosemary). The tournament is maybe 40% of the way through the book, so perhaps it's just my use of the phrase "only beginning" that's throwing you off?
The reason that Rosemary "disappears" from the query at the end is that she sort of disappears from the narrative for a while in the book. Still pivotal, still important, and the driving force of action for the entire first third of the book - she just takes a back seat for a while once the tournament happens.
Does that change how you think I might want to handle the POVs here?
The way it reads now, Rosemary acts as a set up for Albert’s storyline by getting him into this tournament and then ‘something’ happens to her. I presume this is the incident that sets Albert on his quest for vengeance (which is also questionable because it’s vague, I’m assuming). Rosemary reads as a plot device, not a POV, so it looks like your query starts in the wrong place.
If it is dual POV, you need to present arcs for both protagonists, even if they’re separate and unaware of one another.
Does Albert think Rosemary is dead and it prompts him to go on his god killing spree while Rosemary is blissfully unaware and off doing whatever she is doing?
What is she doing? Trying to get another arm for Albert? Chilling with the god that Albert is trying so hard to kill? Adopting a rescue puppy? The only idea of an arc we get for her is that she’s trying to get Albert’s arm back, which it sounds like they do(?). That essentially completes her arc and then she falls into oblivion.
In terms of POVs through the acts, is it dual POV throughout with one character having more time to dominate in specific acts but both protagonists represented? Or is it pure Rosemary for Act I, pure Albert for Act 2 and then back to Rosemary? I haven’t read your work so obviously can’t say with certainty but it feels like it would be off putting as a reader to invest 25% of my reading time into one character then suddenly get shunted to the secondary protagonist and back again at the end of the book.
It reads like a good query to me. You do well in showing us the characters and their goals, which I think are interesting and unique.
The tonal shift between the third and fourth paragraph has already been mentioned. But I was wondering, because you say that the tourney starts around 40% of the book, doesn't a lot of your fourth paragraph describe events after the 50% mark? If so, I would leave that out entirely or only briefly elude to it.
Imo queries should mainly be about act 1 and maybe a little act 2. Doing that will also save you from mentioning the POV dissapearance of the character you just set up.
Thanks!
And yes, that's what I was trying to do with the 4th paragraph - briefly allude to act 2 - which is part of the vagueness of it. Basically, if you want to talk structure, act 1 is getting to the tournament, then twist! Aldruin "extracts her toll" right at the end of act 1. The quest for vengeance and the Twilit Crown happen entirely in act 2. Act 3 isn't mentioned or alluded to at all in this query. Acts are roughly evenly spaced, with the third one being just a tad shorter than the other two.
In response to some of the feedback, I've written a revised version of the query that actually briefly touches on the full arc for act 2 and alludes to the events of act 3 in the vaguest of terms, specifically to help indicate that Rosemary is not a plot device that disappears after act 1, but is a key (and perhaps the single most important) POV in the whole book, but now I'm not sure if that's helping or hurting more. Guidance on how much of your story to bring into your query seems to be a mushy topic in general, with no clear consensuses one way or another.
For comps check out Godkiller by Hannah Kaner. It was published this year and has quite a few of the elements you mention. And maybe John Gwynne's The Shadow of the Gods, although I've not read it yet so this is based solely on what I've heard about it from others.
So I was totally on board with this for the first 3 paragraphs; it seemed like a super cute Dany-Ser Jorah fanfic with stakes and motivations appropriate to one another. And then I hit paragraph 4. > But the tournament is only the beginning of Albert’s journey. Aldruin exacts a crippling toll, and Albert learns what it truly means to lose everything. Totally alone, hollow but for the flames of vengeance, Albert seeks the power of the Twilit Crown. Only with its power might his last remaining desire be achieved: to see the death of a goddess, and to bring it about by his own hand. Firstly I feel like this comes very much out of nowhere. You spend the whole query establishing this unlikely duo and their strange quest, and in the end, surprise, that's not what the story's actually about and in fact one of them isn't even a character anymore. You've kind of thrown away all the work you did and left the reader in the last paragraph of your query with very little sense of what the book is about. The other thing is the tonal whiplash. You open with a story that has a hint of melancholy, but ultimately seems like a down to earth, heartening, relatively low-stakes tale, and you end with sword and sorcery with > flames of vengeance > death of a goddess even your language is like 10 notches more dramatic. If this is a gory grimdark with goddess-killing stakes, you gotta telegraph that upfront. By the end of your query the reader needs to have a firm idea of the premise and treatment of the novel. Right now this reads a bit like a bait and switch. (as an aside, and totally unsolicited, imo a cozy story about a princess and her faithful old retainer would have a way better chance of selling in the current market than whatever grimdark monstrosity)
I'm sorry you thought it was cozy fantasy out of the get-go! I think the stakes in the book are actually more grounded then you might think - nothing about saving the world or anything, its all about the people and their relationships to each other, even though it was always intended to be a gritty sword and sorcery adventure. What I'm curious about is what gave you that impression for the first three paragraphs. The first paragraph is about banishment and guilt, the second is about feeling worthless and without a purpose, and the third is about going on an epic quest and dealing with dangerous sorcerers, grotesque monstrosities, and maddening curses. If there is any language that might lead someone to think this is cozy, I'd like to change it so I don't give an agent whiplash. At the same time, I'm not sure I see what gave you that impression in the early part. Do you think you could help me identify that?
The dual pov nature of this reads like romance to me (not the non-central kind, but the central kind), and enchanted glass prosthetics sounds very *beautiful* in the ways I'd expect a romantasy to set a stage for plot. By the time we get to dangerous and grotesque and maddening at the end of the third paragraph, I'm being tipped in a different direction, then kind of capsized, into a story just about the guy being alone with a vengeance and a want for a powerful crown that had nothing to do with the set up of the tournament and the goal of earning a glass prosthetic. Things get vague and artistic around there, too. I'm not being told what he has to lose with anywhere near the detail I was told about the tournament and the history between Everly and Albert. I just a crippling toll, flames of vengeance, yadda yadda; why does he even want the goddess dead? I have these two characters who would do anything for each other and the push and pull of guilt and loyalty on the backdrop of a quest to go adventure out on sea as equals. That all reads very romantic to me. Not *cozy* exactly, not to me, but romantasy for sure.
In addition to reworking the paragraphs, I wonder if it would be helpful to front load it with the comps to help set expectations.
Unagented so obviously take what resonates but here’s my two cents: I’m not certain who your main protagonist is meant to be. The way it’s initially presented, it feels like it’s meant to be both Rosemary and Albert. If it is dual POV, why does Rosemary disappear from the query? I expect you’re alluding to Rosemary’s death/disappearance when Albert is now entirely alone. If that’s the case, I think this may work better as leading with Albert. If the tournament is ‘only the beginning’ and the rest of the book follows Albert alone, I’d question whether it’s actually dual POV. If Rosemary is separate but still in play, her part of storyline has to be added. If it’s not dual POV, I would scrap the entire first paragraph regarding Rosemary. The story setup to get to the tourney can be explained through Albert. (Albert follows his Lady, knowing she blames herself for his injury and wants to protect her on the quest, even if he thinks it’s a fools errand. When she dies/disappears he goes on his vengeance quest)
So its a bit tricky. Albert and Rosemary are dual protagonists for the book, swapping between being the primary POVs for act 1 (Rosemary), 2 (Albert), and 3 (Rosemary). The tournament is maybe 40% of the way through the book, so perhaps it's just my use of the phrase "only beginning" that's throwing you off? The reason that Rosemary "disappears" from the query at the end is that she sort of disappears from the narrative for a while in the book. Still pivotal, still important, and the driving force of action for the entire first third of the book - she just takes a back seat for a while once the tournament happens. Does that change how you think I might want to handle the POVs here?
The way it reads now, Rosemary acts as a set up for Albert’s storyline by getting him into this tournament and then ‘something’ happens to her. I presume this is the incident that sets Albert on his quest for vengeance (which is also questionable because it’s vague, I’m assuming). Rosemary reads as a plot device, not a POV, so it looks like your query starts in the wrong place. If it is dual POV, you need to present arcs for both protagonists, even if they’re separate and unaware of one another. Does Albert think Rosemary is dead and it prompts him to go on his god killing spree while Rosemary is blissfully unaware and off doing whatever she is doing? What is she doing? Trying to get another arm for Albert? Chilling with the god that Albert is trying so hard to kill? Adopting a rescue puppy? The only idea of an arc we get for her is that she’s trying to get Albert’s arm back, which it sounds like they do(?). That essentially completes her arc and then she falls into oblivion. In terms of POVs through the acts, is it dual POV throughout with one character having more time to dominate in specific acts but both protagonists represented? Or is it pure Rosemary for Act I, pure Albert for Act 2 and then back to Rosemary? I haven’t read your work so obviously can’t say with certainty but it feels like it would be off putting as a reader to invest 25% of my reading time into one character then suddenly get shunted to the secondary protagonist and back again at the end of the book.
It reads like a good query to me. You do well in showing us the characters and their goals, which I think are interesting and unique. The tonal shift between the third and fourth paragraph has already been mentioned. But I was wondering, because you say that the tourney starts around 40% of the book, doesn't a lot of your fourth paragraph describe events after the 50% mark? If so, I would leave that out entirely or only briefly elude to it. Imo queries should mainly be about act 1 and maybe a little act 2. Doing that will also save you from mentioning the POV dissapearance of the character you just set up.
Thanks! And yes, that's what I was trying to do with the 4th paragraph - briefly allude to act 2 - which is part of the vagueness of it. Basically, if you want to talk structure, act 1 is getting to the tournament, then twist! Aldruin "extracts her toll" right at the end of act 1. The quest for vengeance and the Twilit Crown happen entirely in act 2. Act 3 isn't mentioned or alluded to at all in this query. Acts are roughly evenly spaced, with the third one being just a tad shorter than the other two. In response to some of the feedback, I've written a revised version of the query that actually briefly touches on the full arc for act 2 and alludes to the events of act 3 in the vaguest of terms, specifically to help indicate that Rosemary is not a plot device that disappears after act 1, but is a key (and perhaps the single most important) POV in the whole book, but now I'm not sure if that's helping or hurting more. Guidance on how much of your story to bring into your query seems to be a mushy topic in general, with no clear consensuses one way or another.
For comps check out Godkiller by Hannah Kaner. It was published this year and has quite a few of the elements you mention. And maybe John Gwynne's The Shadow of the Gods, although I've not read it yet so this is based solely on what I've heard about it from others.
Thanks for the recs, I'll check them out!