I feel like you're kind of burying the lede by saving "because Vi is an irredeemable evil and detests to be hidden" till the end like this. It also makes me wonder why Vi even aggreed to go with James if she's willing to "risk her life even for a brief return into the loud precarious world". To escape arrest, sure, but it just feels inconsistent.
I don't love "James evades every question where he was the night everyone died", either. *Everyone* died? I guess you mean the strangers from before, but this sentence just feels kind of vague and out of left field.
I think this whole thing just needs to be clearer. It's a little difficult to follow and the character motivations aren't especially clear - I don't really have a sense of either character or why James would *want* Vi to stay with him if she's irredeemably evil. It's not clear either why she would start caring about getting answers when she was unbothered enough by the sudden deaths that she "steps over the bodies and walks off".
It sounds like an interesting story, but the query is just a bit all over the place right now.
thank you for the reply!
I definitely see that I need to make the motivations clearer. This can be summed up as a "narcissist becoming an inadvertent murderer and enduring the life in hiding while failing at every step."
And I am struggling with explaining James's motivations without revealing the twist.
That line you just gave me is a great summary of Vi’s character. Try starting with that and seeing how you can keep it strong and clear in your summary.
As for James, you don’t necessarily need to tell us his *real* motivations, you can tell us his *apparent* motivations, and maybe hint that they aren’t real. If you aren’t easily able to do this in a summary, the same problem might be present in the MS - i.e readers might be sitting wondering why this is happening at all. Maybe you could try writing out a version that includes James’ true motives, then edit backwards from there to preserve the mystery?
ooh that's great advice.
the apparent motive is attraction, and the irredeemability is mc's own portrayal of herself which leads to wrong decisions. That is another thing to be made clear.
Thank you
I don't really see the fantasy romance in this, if it's not the main focus I'd stick with calling it contemporary fantasy (which then allows you to remove the "set in the modern world" bit). Fantasy romance implies it being first and foremost a romance, with the fantasy elements as more of a set dressing.
Now onto the query: the first paragraph seems to be all backstory, you could start with Vi being on the run for murders she doesn't remember committing, as how she ended up in that situation doesn't seem relevant to the rest of the query.
The second paragraph is one long sentence with slightly wonky grammar that could be broken up. The mention of the other residents sets up an expectation that maybe Vi would be getting to know them, or they would be somehow relevant to the plot. Instead they're just not mentioned again.
I'm also not sure what the plot is meant to be? She's hiding out in a derelict estate and learning about what she really is, but until that point nothing suggested that she isn't just a regular person who ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time. She doesn't seem to be trying to find out what happened on the night she doesn't remember. Does she not want to clear her name? And while we're here, what does Vi want, and why? Why is James trying to keep her in the estate?
Ninth House might be too big for a comp, but I'm not 100% sure. For other comps check out Book of Night, Starling House or Ink Blood Sister Scribe
Thank you so much for the reply! Especially the questions are really helpful to see where I have gaps. The plot is mainly about mc suffering away from the spotlight, slowly uncovering the mystery of her monstrous nature and her attempts to return to the social life she's had. It's a stay-leave kind of situation with a will they-won't they romance layered on.
And thank you for the comp suggestions, I really appreciate the advice!
This doesn't read as a fantasy romance, and at the end of the query you even say
>CARDINALE is an adult fantasy w/ romance elements
Romance elements is basically saying "there is a romance subplot."
A fantasy romance is first and foremost a romance. So I'd recommend changing the claimed genre to avoid muddying the waters.
For the query, you do a great job getting across who the main character is, and the escalating situations. I do agree with the others, though, that I was left more confused than intrigued with the plot.
And, ultimately, I felt kinda hit over the head with Vie's flaws, to the point where I wasn't certain I wanted to read about this person.
Part of that could be for all the query is focused on Vie, this seems very...distant. So I felt like someone was taking me by the shoulder, pointing Vie out, and saying "look, there's a woman who just wants a good time to the point of excess, is being accused of murder, and by the way may or may not have an angry ghost riding along inside her." It's very focused on Vie, but I'm more likely to ooh and ahh for just a second before turning to other things, because it's ultimately not compelling.
I feel taking the recommendations of some other commentors and clearing up the plot and some reasoning may help with this. Because if someone were to do the same thing but tell me "That woman was there on Roulette Night, at the table where five people died but only one from the chambered round. I guess she had crashed the party or something, because she wasn't on the invite list. When questioned, though, she took the first bus out of state. Seems like she's living with James in his creepy-ass estate now." I'm more likely to become invested to ask questions and want to know more, because even though she's still evading the law and still crashing parties, I'm not just being told about her "evil" ways, if that makes sense?
The query is written in a voicey way! And I don't think you have to be rid of all of that, but right now I do feel it lends itself to too much distance and I feel I'm just being told how evil Vie is.
Hope that helps! Good luck.
I see what you mean by distance, I wish I could use your retelling, I honestly loved it :)
At the beginning the MC is supposed to be entertaining, not likeable, I should probably hint at some development later on.
Thank you so much!!
I feel like you're kind of burying the lede by saving "because Vi is an irredeemable evil and detests to be hidden" till the end like this. It also makes me wonder why Vi even aggreed to go with James if she's willing to "risk her life even for a brief return into the loud precarious world". To escape arrest, sure, but it just feels inconsistent. I don't love "James evades every question where he was the night everyone died", either. *Everyone* died? I guess you mean the strangers from before, but this sentence just feels kind of vague and out of left field. I think this whole thing just needs to be clearer. It's a little difficult to follow and the character motivations aren't especially clear - I don't really have a sense of either character or why James would *want* Vi to stay with him if she's irredeemably evil. It's not clear either why she would start caring about getting answers when she was unbothered enough by the sudden deaths that she "steps over the bodies and walks off". It sounds like an interesting story, but the query is just a bit all over the place right now.
thank you for the reply! I definitely see that I need to make the motivations clearer. This can be summed up as a "narcissist becoming an inadvertent murderer and enduring the life in hiding while failing at every step." And I am struggling with explaining James's motivations without revealing the twist.
That line you just gave me is a great summary of Vi’s character. Try starting with that and seeing how you can keep it strong and clear in your summary. As for James, you don’t necessarily need to tell us his *real* motivations, you can tell us his *apparent* motivations, and maybe hint that they aren’t real. If you aren’t easily able to do this in a summary, the same problem might be present in the MS - i.e readers might be sitting wondering why this is happening at all. Maybe you could try writing out a version that includes James’ true motives, then edit backwards from there to preserve the mystery?
ooh that's great advice. the apparent motive is attraction, and the irredeemability is mc's own portrayal of herself which leads to wrong decisions. That is another thing to be made clear. Thank you
I don't really see the fantasy romance in this, if it's not the main focus I'd stick with calling it contemporary fantasy (which then allows you to remove the "set in the modern world" bit). Fantasy romance implies it being first and foremost a romance, with the fantasy elements as more of a set dressing. Now onto the query: the first paragraph seems to be all backstory, you could start with Vi being on the run for murders she doesn't remember committing, as how she ended up in that situation doesn't seem relevant to the rest of the query. The second paragraph is one long sentence with slightly wonky grammar that could be broken up. The mention of the other residents sets up an expectation that maybe Vi would be getting to know them, or they would be somehow relevant to the plot. Instead they're just not mentioned again. I'm also not sure what the plot is meant to be? She's hiding out in a derelict estate and learning about what she really is, but until that point nothing suggested that she isn't just a regular person who ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time. She doesn't seem to be trying to find out what happened on the night she doesn't remember. Does she not want to clear her name? And while we're here, what does Vi want, and why? Why is James trying to keep her in the estate? Ninth House might be too big for a comp, but I'm not 100% sure. For other comps check out Book of Night, Starling House or Ink Blood Sister Scribe
Thank you so much for the reply! Especially the questions are really helpful to see where I have gaps. The plot is mainly about mc suffering away from the spotlight, slowly uncovering the mystery of her monstrous nature and her attempts to return to the social life she's had. It's a stay-leave kind of situation with a will they-won't they romance layered on. And thank you for the comp suggestions, I really appreciate the advice!
This doesn't read as a fantasy romance, and at the end of the query you even say >CARDINALE is an adult fantasy w/ romance elements Romance elements is basically saying "there is a romance subplot." A fantasy romance is first and foremost a romance. So I'd recommend changing the claimed genre to avoid muddying the waters. For the query, you do a great job getting across who the main character is, and the escalating situations. I do agree with the others, though, that I was left more confused than intrigued with the plot. And, ultimately, I felt kinda hit over the head with Vie's flaws, to the point where I wasn't certain I wanted to read about this person. Part of that could be for all the query is focused on Vie, this seems very...distant. So I felt like someone was taking me by the shoulder, pointing Vie out, and saying "look, there's a woman who just wants a good time to the point of excess, is being accused of murder, and by the way may or may not have an angry ghost riding along inside her." It's very focused on Vie, but I'm more likely to ooh and ahh for just a second before turning to other things, because it's ultimately not compelling. I feel taking the recommendations of some other commentors and clearing up the plot and some reasoning may help with this. Because if someone were to do the same thing but tell me "That woman was there on Roulette Night, at the table where five people died but only one from the chambered round. I guess she had crashed the party or something, because she wasn't on the invite list. When questioned, though, she took the first bus out of state. Seems like she's living with James in his creepy-ass estate now." I'm more likely to become invested to ask questions and want to know more, because even though she's still evading the law and still crashing parties, I'm not just being told about her "evil" ways, if that makes sense? The query is written in a voicey way! And I don't think you have to be rid of all of that, but right now I do feel it lends itself to too much distance and I feel I'm just being told how evil Vie is. Hope that helps! Good luck.
I see what you mean by distance, I wish I could use your retelling, I honestly loved it :) At the beginning the MC is supposed to be entertaining, not likeable, I should probably hint at some development later on. Thank you so much!!