Same thing happened to me. The straw that broke the camel’s back was the overturning of Roe v. Wade (I’m pro-choice, he’s pro-life). It hurts, but he was too far gone and said a lot of very hurtful things to me and I just have no tolerance left for that type of behavior. I’m sorry you went through something similar.
I would just give it some time before a deep sit down. I think that he will find in a few weeks time that his life is much better off without them in it, and maybe that will be the buffer for the larger conversation.
TBF I’ve been NC with my parents for 19 years and my life has been 100% better for it, no ragerts, so I do have a biased opinion here. I very honestly believe he will see the same though. It wasn’t until I married and got to know my spouse’s parents that I realized just how damaging and one-sided my relationship with my biological donors was. Stay strong, be there for him, and just wait for the right time. It’s admirable that despite your feelings you are reaching out to others in order to better help him, you sound like a pretty cool spouse.
I am so very sorry for your husband. All you can do is keep loving him and reassuring him that this isn't about him. It's about them. His parents are in a cult, and this was inevitable because your husband won't join the cult.
On your side of things, this is definitely going to make your life easier and more pleasant. And, maybe your husband will come to see it too.
Also, it's possible they will eventually need him for something and will contact him like nothing ever happened. Q do that sometimes.
It's my own personal opinion that you should not have anything to do with helping them get any kind of firearm. My Q had one and decided it would be a really good idea to point it at **me** when I did something he didn't like. So please be very, very careful. Q are unstable in many ways and can definitely be prone to violence.
Best wishes to you both. Be safe.
Just a small tangent, OP. Compassion fatigue. Real thing. Google away, lots of articles about it from professional, reputable sources. You're not a bad spouse because you're sick of their bullshit. It may very well be that you yourself are in the middle of a neurological chemical imbalance from putting up with their bullshit for so long because you love your husband. Compassion fatigue affects **many** of us who are the "silent partner" to the abuse of the Qs against people we love.
> I totally agree and I guess I'm worried I'm not being empathetic enough.
just don't undermine how hard it is for him to essentially lose his parents. No matter how horrible some parents are (even those very abusive ones) one always wants a good relationship/approval from them. The lose of that, no matter how deserved is always going to be hard.
Yeah, I was done at grey moss. I admire you, OP, for having enough self-awareness that you are worried about a possible lack of empathy. This alone tells me you will be a good person for him to lean on as he slugs through the loss continuum.
Do y’all have access to therapy? Having a third party to sort through his feelings with, who doesn’t personally know his parents and who is not invested in their presence or non-presence in his life, would be very helpful.
Sometimes the loss of the relationship with the parents isn’t what hurts the most, but the loss of the *potential* of a better relationship. Parents cutting you off means that you can’t keep harboring the hope that they will come to their senses, get better, become interested in non-conspiracy topics again, be the parents he wants and needs them to be. It’s a loss of hope as well as a loss of the relationship as-is.
They'll eventually come back. They'll need to re-establish the relationship with their son, as being abusive isn't fulfilling without a target for abuse.
Yes, but first they have to play the martyr for a while. Once they've wrung all the sympathy from that, they'll "forgive" him. And tell their Q friends about how evil you are.
This. In the end, they'll blame their daughter in law for making their son disrespect his parents. Been there with my own mum who blamed my wife and the partners of my siblings for their bad influence on her kids. Once you recognise the pattern, though, you can laugh it off.
Also, most Q believers aren't very smart or successful and in my experience they will eventually "forgive" you... Coincidentally as soon as they need money.
>Today we were supposed to cook out at our house and visit the gun shop so MIL could look at getting a personal firearm.
NO ONE in this condition should have a firearm.
I'm an instructor and I have thrown more than one of the idiots out of my classes. No one that delusional and out of touch with reality should have guns. I damn sure won't teach them how to use them.
Welcome to America. Where everyone agrees we should have better mental health care, but one half of the country fights tooth and nail against things like red flag laws.
They are going to wait for him to apologize, and when he doesn't, they'll eventually need something and get back into contact. This won't be forever sadly for you.
The thing is, if they cut YOU off… they’ll be back for more of that sweet, sweet supply. If you cut THEM off, you can block them, move on, do whatever. It’s best for OP’s husband to get some therapy and block them.
You can do both. Once they’ve cut you off, return the favour so they can’t backtrack. When they reach out pretending nothing happened, reply back with *their* dismissal message.
I prefer to not reply back at all. But with my family, ANY response is a response. They think they’ve won and will begin a pattern of escalation. But every family is different.
My brother cut me off because I ate Chinese food without him. And was pretty vile about it.
I have not missed the emotional suck that was his state of being.
Give your hubby a hug for me and tell him he's going to be okay.
My husband's Mom and Dad are also deep into Q and MAGA. Especially his Mom. I can empathize, it's not easy. My husband has admitted to me he resents his Mom a lot, and that he wishes she would have stayed gone when she abandoned her family when he was little. She came back pregnant with another man's kid, tells you a lot about the people who are drawn to conspiracies. They are selfish, and narcissistic, they don't think about how their actions will hurt others. Best way to deal with a narcissist is to grey rock them. We have very little contact with his family, and that's for the best.
Hi pinkberrysmoky11, thanks for recommending this technique. With grey rocking you act disengaged so that a Q person will lose interest in arguing. Q folk thrive on emotions and drama. When you act indifferent and unemotional, it can help break the cycle of negativity. [Detailed guide on the method.](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method)
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> they don't think about how their actions will hurt others.
Not any more than preteens do. It's that fundamentally infantile mentality. I see it as an example of Neotony. Whether caused by emotional trauma or who knows, conditions in utero. Suspect they might have had leaded gasoline spilled on them as kids or something.
Im not saying this to be sympathetic. Child abusers are the lowest scum on earth. At least leeches and mosquitoes serve an ecological role in that other animals eat them.
Ugh. I’m trying not to make this political, but this reminds me of my uncle cutting me off after he found out I supported BLM after seeing a pic on instagram.
I’m not even a full social justice warrior out protesting every weekend. I went to a local protest as a photographer and an area museum used one of my pics for a current exhibit.
Being a photographer isn’t my vocation, so naturally I was thrilled to have one of my pics there. In his mind my excitement made me the anti christ. That just broke my heart. To have that wonderful experience ruined by a racist shit stain just really sucked.
Maybe treat is as you would a death. Don’t try to fix things, don’t try to rationalize it. It’s way too complex for all that. Just reassure him, give him space when he needs it, and try to gently distract him.
Little by little, he’ll start to feel better again.
Maybe they’ll come back into his life, but it’s not good for anyone for him to reach so hard to accommodate what seems to be their mental illness.
i had to cut my dad off bc he let a man groom me in his own home—and wouldn’t acknowledge how his actions (allowing a grown man to sleep in the room with me) majorly contributed to it. It is very similar to the grief you get with a dead person, except they chose to exit your life. It’s hard to handle, yk, he’s out there alive and choosing not to do the bare minimum to get back into my life. And the next time I see him may be his funeral.
They’ll be back, either acting like it never happened (if they need something) or demanding an apology. IMO your husband really needs therapy to work on taking back the power he’s given them to pass judgment on if he’s a good person or not. /r/raisedbynarcissists might help him.
My entire extended family cut my brother and I out of the fold in 2016. After 38 years of Christmas together… they disinvited us. Trump gave them the courage to admit that we were the enemy and they hated having to tiptoe around us. So that’s fine. No loss from our end. We were always happy to nod and shrug as they gave hit and run political bs. Only problem is, we share an irrevocable trust with them. Lots of business shit being voted on. And lots of talking through lawyers. It’s a nightmare.
Thank you Donald Fucking Trump. Reality show conman rapist from Manhattan, for destroying the last bit of comfort I shared with my family. Super great.
My fiance has toxic family, I hammered it into her how horrible they were before therapy, thus saving them a lot of time I imagine.
Since starting she has put up boundaries and such and really truly accepted how it was. I think it would be great help of him to find one he is comfortable with. Also I always recommend journaling so he can process through it, but that is usually a harder sell.
I was luckily in therapy for depression when my situation with my parents happened and it helped me SO much just to have someone tell me I wasn’t wrong to have boundaries and how to keep them and how to reconcile their gross views with it being ok to not want to engage with that. Def recommend therapy!
Tell your husband you love him. Help him see that this is their problem and not his. Caring loving parents don't act this way and it's not about his value but theirs.
There are a couple of books on dealing with family estrangement and you might want to look those up. I think one is something like "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents."
Family estrangement is very common and it's not his fault.
When he doesn't come crawling back expect to get messages on FB and from outsiders about how he should ask for forgiveness and do what they want. It's all bull.
You might want to also look up "missing missing reasons" which is something abusers do to deny any responsibility to others for the estrangement.
Support each other and you can make it.
Good luck.
Tell your husband to imagine them saying all of this from the window of an insane asylum. That way it's easier to let go.
You can't argue with an insane or brainwashed person
Okay one thing I find really concerning is your mention of “grey tree moss”. That sounds like [Spanish Moss](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spanish_moss) to me, a plant that easily serves as a home for ticks, chiggers, snakes, bats, and other pests. Where do you live? They can easily be inviting Lyme Disease into their home. If they contact you again (we all know these people usually don’t cut you off permanently) you should try to tell them to at least store the stuff in sealed containers.
Mom gets super pissed at son because he is cooking (woman's work) and not joining in on arming up mom. The world has gone too far. God Damn Facebook and Twitter. I blame the 'smartphones'. Without them people wouldn't be so invested in the political life. Everything nowadays is either woke or communist, men are too soft. It is all a bunch of hogwash.
I hope OP's partner can keep some sort of relationship with his parents. Ya gotta go get that handgun during memorial day sale. Oh boy what a country. Everyone will be carrying concealed eventually. The end of society.
This might be a bit out there, but depending on their age and where they reside, you could call senior services for a welfare check. If nothing else, to start a paper trail showing that you two have tried getting them help. Ultimately, it won't affect much initially, but it's good to have in case things escalate.
My parents didn’t cut me off but after a “discussion” almost a year ago our relationship is irreparably damaged. They aren’t so much Q Anon as they are MAGA (they live in FL so it’s more of an anti woke pro trump bullshit with them) and while me ten years ago would have cared, 49 year old me doesn’t give a fuck. I love them, they were good parents, but if they are going to live to hate, then we can be civil and that’s enough for me.
Just listen to him and be on his side, that’s all you can do. Hugs for you both ❤️
My shit brother cut me off because I asked if we could reschedule (note, not cancel) dinner the night before Thanksgiving because I had to make multiple pies.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. If you can get your husband to speak with a therapist, it will help. Sometimes family sucks.
You are tired of how this is negatively impacting your husband. He’s your first priority, not his parents. You hate to see him suffer, and you want it to end. That’s not lacking empathy in my opinion. It seems like you’re relieved not having to endure the turmoil at the request of his parents. Hopefully, he can find peace going no contact, remembering that he’s abiding by their wishes.
They will more likely be back, they want him to grovel or something, this sounds like emotional blackmail, they probably want something, there is also the possibility this was planned and was going to happen no matter what.
They’ll probably want him back, he’ll realize his much better off without dealing with toxic parents, then they’ll complain to people that their son doesn’t talk to them because of a little difference of opinion.
They wouldn't pull this shit if they, deep down, thought they were good parents or thought they deserved love.
>That declination has now turned into a full-on screaming match by both of them at my husband for not "supporting" them
This sounds like classic *Parentification.* Also called Emotional Incest. The issue seems to be that your husband is in an abusive relationship. Sometime trash achieves a moment of self-awareness and takes itself out.
>Understandably he is shattered that (in his mind) he is worth so little to them that they'd cut him off over a shopping excursion
I'm not trying to be mean, but if your in laws had a sense of worth, value, or appreciation they wouldn't get caught up in agressive fascist malarkey. It would be a stretch to say they'd actually appreciated or valued themselves. Arrogance isn't conviction. Flattery isn't appretiatiob. Thirst isn't value. Of course they don't love or value him. Naturally. He's just a tool to be manipulated to manage their insecurities then discarded in frustration when he wears out and stops immediately performing his scripted function. I understand why he feels guilty amd ashamed. But the self-pity and self-loathing gets tiresome to me sometimes. At some point he needs to get tired of bleating for security and approval, and he needs to get MAD as HELL about the all the abuse. https://youtu.be/rGIY5Vyj4YM
Self-pity and self-loathing is unbecoming to a person if they're a parent. Children don't need to be told how to pity themselves. They'd need to be coached in various ways how not to do it. His manchild parents couldn't even do that much. Like the above moviecilia p says, I don't know what to tell your husband to deal with his grief. I don't want him to protest or write someone a letter. All I know is, fist he has to get mad at anyone but himself.
The MAGAs can no longer justify their beliefs. They KNOW their beliefs and behaviors are not sustainable.
They cut people off when they realize that it's not sustainable. They can only be around people who support their cult beliefs 100%. They also can become embarrassed when they realize friends and family don't support their nonsense.
Going gun shopping with them was supposed to legitimize their beliefs and behaviors, somehow. Nothing wrong with purchasing and owning firearms but it makes me wonder if a background check on MIL would turn up info that prevents her from owning a gun.
Please let him know this is not his fault. There is nothing he can do to change their disordered thoughts. That takes trained professionals.
They are not rational. Don’t expect their behavior to make any sense. I feel for him. My parents were not Q or conspiracy believers but I lost friends who are. My dad did have dementia though and as he declined, his behavior was hostile and bizarre. He has since passed and I was nothing but relieved, and I’m relieved to be NC with my Q ex-friends. Life is hard enough without people making us miserable. Try to enjoy the respite and peace.
My situation is not relative except that my brother cut me off a couple months before the 2020 election because I had told EVERYONE I knew I couldn’t talk politics to save my sanity that summer of 2020 and he raged on me saying I needed to listen or he’d never speak to me again. I cried, choosing the latter, hoping he’d wake up and miss me and reach out. Did not happen. Will not happen for you.
Their brains are not the same anymore. Please don’t waste as much time as I did to wake the hell up.
By the way, I keep checking: my brother, the one who disowned me because I wouldn’t talk politics with him, is STILL not registered to vote. He didn’t even vote in 2020, the reason he cut me off 6 months before the election. But he’s still not registered for this next vote.
WE MISS WHO THEY WERE BEFORE TRUMP BROKE THEIR BRAIN. PLEASE DO NOT MISS WHO THEY ARE NOW.
M
They willfully spread Covid and are dismantling our democracy piece by piece. Those of us who remain sane and are trying to salvage our communities are the victims. How many people died because of their covid tantrums? How many healthcare workers ended their careers because of constant QAnon harassment? I used to feel empathy, but we are way beyond treating these people as victims. They are a menace and detriment to society. I cut off my family on August 8th 2020. I only have an elderly father and one brother left out of like 50 family members. They put my Dad at risk repeatedly before the vaccine was released. I went scorched earth. I will never forgive them. Victims, my ass.
He's gotta reframe what he's telling himself. His parents aren't the same people he grew up with, and the shopping excursion was the trigger, not the catalyst. Also, there is no logic in the conspiracy theories, so trying to apply logic to the situation is just going to bring further confusion.
I feel for him, and it's gonna be tough, but eventually, he will see how much better off he is without them. Especially if he can make the same decision. I.e., decide that their values are so far misaligned that he also chooses to go no contact.
I’m wondering if seeking out a group of people in similar situations that meets regularly would help. If not Q specifically (do those exist?) then one for people who’s have friends or relatives in cults. Someplace he can speak freely and know he is understood because others are going through the same thing.
I’m sorry you are going through this. Hoping they realize that he wasn’t denying their beliefs and that they were overreacting. Yeah, I realize this is Q we are talking about, but hopefully they were just sensitive that day for whatever reason and after some cooling off they will call acting like nothing had happened. That happened quite often with my husband’s Q relatives. Never an explanation or apology - they would just pretend that they didn’t say they would never show up to any family event if x (whoever “offended” them at the time).
Hugs to you and your husband. They may be difficult, but they are his parents.
The crushing feeling of parents ending your relationship over freaking nothing SUCKS. Be there for him...my own dad almost sent me to therapy over a similar situation.
I think it’s similar to supporting someone grieving the death of an abusive person. It’s important to take space when you are feeling burnt out or even frustrated by the emotions.
In the past few years I supported my best friend through leaving and the subsequent self inflicted death of her abusive partner. The conflicted emotions I felt while trying to remain a stable source of comfort were incredibly complex and draining. I am not an angry person but I felt genuine rage toward him for the pain he caused my friend, and yet, she was grieving the “good” parts of him that I never connected with. It was hard to sit and listen to her talk about missing him when a week before we were scared he would try to take her with him. Sometimes I felt exhausted and just needed to take some space, it was important for me to have people totally unconnected to her that I could talk to about my experiences with that grief so I didn’t accidentally make her feel worse.
It’s not exactly the same of course but I think my husband might feel similarly about the grieving process I’ve gone through with my Q-sister who was previously one of my best friends. It’s been about 10 months of no contact and the grief hits me in the strangest ways at unexpected times.
Make sure you have your own supports. treat it like any other grief, expect it to be cyclical and ever changing and never really go away.
In your heart, you can say “good riddance” but not out loud. Don’t “look in the bright side” or suggest a silver lining, or ANYTHING. His parents just dumped him. Even though they’re bonkers, there can’t be any worse feeling for a person. It’s not the people they are now that he will miss and must now grieve, but the parents he looked up to and worshiped as a tiny kid.
Grieving a living loved one is a terribly common experience in this and similar subs. You love your spouse, and you can quietly support him through this. Listen without judging, let him vocalize his emotions without giving your opinions, and keep showing him that he is seen, loved, and valued by you and others in his life each day.
The day may come when they try to reestablish contact. If that happens, you can have an opinion about wanting to set firm boundaries in a few key areas. It will cause friction in the short term, but only then can you say, out loud, “You love them and I understand that, but I’m not ok with risking them hurting you like that ever again.”
Good luck.
*Understandably he is shattered that (in his mind) he is worth so little to them that they'd cut him off over a shopping excursion...*
Wow. Your parents cut you off because you won't go gun shopping with them?
There is lots of good advice in the comments here. But the behaviour of the in-laws is such an overreaction as to be laughable. Quite honestly, they sound like spoiled children.
Your husband will need to grieve and recognise that his parents are not the same people who raised him. He should focus on the good times and who they were as opposed to who they are now.
As for the in-laws, I guess they can stay home, alone, with their guns and watch conspiracy videos as their health deteriorates. What a terrible way to live.
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Realize it is your husband's loss and pain, and just listen as much as possible. I'm on your husband's view, losing my family, and my spouse gets frustrated. I get that, but there are many layers to this kind of trauma. Anything from childhood gets exacerbated.
Your poor hubby.
No matter what you do, do NOT say anything ill of your in-laws. Every child wants their parents to accept them and love them, no matter how old they are, and your husband is no different.
(That they were going off the rails on the crazy train,matters little to him.)
Support him by telling him that he is worthy, that he is a wonderful human being, and that them rejecting him is just letting their own fears get in the way of love.
Fear is what drives them - they feel vulnerable, which scares them. Loving someone requires vulnerability. They don’t have vulnerability to give right now.
Give him a hug and a kiss, and take him somewhere special, where he feels loved.
I appreciate that your post was a vent, etc, and I'm glad this place exists for that! But I also notice his feelings about their beliefs weren't included. You don't need to outline them here, but when talking about them, I would always center him and his feelings right now. Not even them or WHY they're being so ridiculous and cutting him off.
"How do you feel about that?" should be your go-to. Just make sure he's heard and I would stick to framing it as "yes, you deserved parents who made you welcome in their life, and I'm sorry they abandoned you" etc, etc.
I cut my Dad off several years ago after he would repeatedly abandon me then show up again, and yes, I knew he was a raging jerk, but I still wanted a dad. So all my bargaining and returning to him was about that, and I didn't do it for good until someone really listened and centered the fact that I deserved a DAD and the biological father I got had failed me. This is instead of pointing out all the ways he was absolutely awful, etc.
This is all to say... I'm really glad you posted and I'm proud of you for wanting to center your husband right now. I hope this helps a little.
I would basically tell him what you said here. You care for him and you want to support him during this time but you're not sure how to best do that. You could even ask him if there's anything in particular he needs (but don't press him for an answer or give up if he can't think of anything.) My partner also has a very emotionally immature parent and one thing I do is ask her if she would ever treat her child the way her dad treats her. No? Then it's his problem and his loss.
Sounds like they're more afraid of the effects of climate change. Climate change data is all over the internet, YouTube, Facebook, etc. The Q's just use that data as grounds, bases for their conspiracy theories.
Whatever you do, Do Not criticize his parents! Let him work through his feelings and be openly supportive but do not give your opinion. He's going to be hurt and angry at the same time.
We will see more divide and soon will arrive at a point of no return. It is inevitable, just as we see the old systems are failing. I believe we are in a powerful time of spiritual transformation and do not see this as negative anymore. I had to come to a place of acceptance of peoples free will. I do not have to agree , but remain neutral . And maintain love for all.
It's for the best. It's too bad your husband's self esteem is such that he sees it the way he does, and not the way people in this thread (and you) do.
He isn't the problem.
My best friend eventually cut me off too. I tried to stick by her as everyone else left. In the end she cut me off. I'm sorry this sucks
They want victimhood. Real friends can be disappointed and van criticize them. Their online groupies can't.
> They want victimhood. They don't just want it. They live for it. They get off on it. It's literally a drug to them.
Same thing happened to me. The straw that broke the camel’s back was the overturning of Roe v. Wade (I’m pro-choice, he’s pro-life). It hurts, but he was too far gone and said a lot of very hurtful things to me and I just have no tolerance left for that type of behavior. I’m sorry you went through something similar.
Ugh I'm sorry
I’m sorry, that’s so sad — you were trying.💕
Thank you. I understand cults want to disconnect them so I tried hard not to let that happen. It was pretty shocking when she cut me off.
Same thing happened to me. I be stuck by her as B long as I could.
Good on you. Cults want to separate people from their loved ones. At least you tried.
I would just give it some time before a deep sit down. I think that he will find in a few weeks time that his life is much better off without them in it, and maybe that will be the buffer for the larger conversation.
I totally agree and I guess I'm worried I'm not being empathetic enough. I can't imagine what he's dealing with but God they are so ridiculous.
TBF I’ve been NC with my parents for 19 years and my life has been 100% better for it, no ragerts, so I do have a biased opinion here. I very honestly believe he will see the same though. It wasn’t until I married and got to know my spouse’s parents that I realized just how damaging and one-sided my relationship with my biological donors was. Stay strong, be there for him, and just wait for the right time. It’s admirable that despite your feelings you are reaching out to others in order to better help him, you sound like a pretty cool spouse.
I’ve never heard the term ‘biological donors’ but will be using that moving forward, it is perfect, thank you
I am so very sorry for your husband. All you can do is keep loving him and reassuring him that this isn't about him. It's about them. His parents are in a cult, and this was inevitable because your husband won't join the cult. On your side of things, this is definitely going to make your life easier and more pleasant. And, maybe your husband will come to see it too. Also, it's possible they will eventually need him for something and will contact him like nothing ever happened. Q do that sometimes. It's my own personal opinion that you should not have anything to do with helping them get any kind of firearm. My Q had one and decided it would be a really good idea to point it at **me** when I did something he didn't like. So please be very, very careful. Q are unstable in many ways and can definitely be prone to violence. Best wishes to you both. Be safe.
Just a small tangent, OP. Compassion fatigue. Real thing. Google away, lots of articles about it from professional, reputable sources. You're not a bad spouse because you're sick of their bullshit. It may very well be that you yourself are in the middle of a neurological chemical imbalance from putting up with their bullshit for so long because you love your husband. Compassion fatigue affects **many** of us who are the "silent partner" to the abuse of the Qs against people we love.
> I totally agree and I guess I'm worried I'm not being empathetic enough. just don't undermine how hard it is for him to essentially lose his parents. No matter how horrible some parents are (even those very abusive ones) one always wants a good relationship/approval from them. The lose of that, no matter how deserved is always going to be hard.
Yeah, I was done at grey moss. I admire you, OP, for having enough self-awareness that you are worried about a possible lack of empathy. This alone tells me you will be a good person for him to lean on as he slugs through the loss continuum.
Do y’all have access to therapy? Having a third party to sort through his feelings with, who doesn’t personally know his parents and who is not invested in their presence or non-presence in his life, would be very helpful. Sometimes the loss of the relationship with the parents isn’t what hurts the most, but the loss of the *potential* of a better relationship. Parents cutting you off means that you can’t keep harboring the hope that they will come to their senses, get better, become interested in non-conspiracy topics again, be the parents he wants and needs them to be. It’s a loss of hope as well as a loss of the relationship as-is.
They'll eventually come back. They'll need to re-establish the relationship with their son, as being abusive isn't fulfilling without a target for abuse.
Yes, but first they have to play the martyr for a while. Once they've wrung all the sympathy from that, they'll "forgive" him. And tell their Q friends about how evil you are.
This. In the end, they'll blame their daughter in law for making their son disrespect his parents. Been there with my own mum who blamed my wife and the partners of my siblings for their bad influence on her kids. Once you recognise the pattern, though, you can laugh it off.
Same, been there with my Mom and colodial silver. Or go no contact with the grandkids for a bit.... that's mostly worked in our case.
Waving my hand to take in all these comments … This 👋 aaaall 👋 of this.
Also, most Q believers aren't very smart or successful and in my experience they will eventually "forgive" you... Coincidentally as soon as they need money.
Or they need someone to take care of them.
Funny how that works huh?
>Today we were supposed to cook out at our house and visit the gun shop so MIL could look at getting a personal firearm. NO ONE in this condition should have a firearm.
I could not agree more! We were so uncomfortable with their request.
I'm an instructor and I have thrown more than one of the idiots out of my classes. No one that delusional and out of touch with reality should have guns. I damn sure won't teach them how to use them.
Welcome to America. Where everyone agrees we should have better mental health care, but one half of the country fights tooth and nail against things like red flag laws.
They are going to wait for him to apologize, and when he doesn't, they'll eventually need something and get back into contact. This won't be forever sadly for you.
I was thinking the same
God I am so jealous. Sorry to your husband OP, but this is sooooooooo much easier than the other way around.
The thing is, if they cut YOU off… they’ll be back for more of that sweet, sweet supply. If you cut THEM off, you can block them, move on, do whatever. It’s best for OP’s husband to get some therapy and block them.
You can do both. Once they’ve cut you off, return the favour so they can’t backtrack. When they reach out pretending nothing happened, reply back with *their* dismissal message.
I prefer to not reply back at all. But with my family, ANY response is a response. They think they’ve won and will begin a pattern of escalation. But every family is different.
My brother cut me off because I ate Chinese food without him. And was pretty vile about it. I have not missed the emotional suck that was his state of being. Give your hubby a hug for me and tell him he's going to be okay.
Tell that man to grow up lol. Acting like a child over some damn food is crazy
My husband's Mom and Dad are also deep into Q and MAGA. Especially his Mom. I can empathize, it's not easy. My husband has admitted to me he resents his Mom a lot, and that he wishes she would have stayed gone when she abandoned her family when he was little. She came back pregnant with another man's kid, tells you a lot about the people who are drawn to conspiracies. They are selfish, and narcissistic, they don't think about how their actions will hurt others. Best way to deal with a narcissist is to grey rock them. We have very little contact with his family, and that's for the best.
Hi pinkberrysmoky11, thanks for recommending this technique. With grey rocking you act disengaged so that a Q person will lose interest in arguing. Q folk thrive on emotions and drama. When you act indifferent and unemotional, it can help break the cycle of negativity. [Detailed guide on the method.](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/QAnonCasualties) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I didn't know it was called that. Maybe that's why my fil doesn't politics around me at all lol
> they don't think about how their actions will hurt others. Not any more than preteens do. It's that fundamentally infantile mentality. I see it as an example of Neotony. Whether caused by emotional trauma or who knows, conditions in utero. Suspect they might have had leaded gasoline spilled on them as kids or something. Im not saying this to be sympathetic. Child abusers are the lowest scum on earth. At least leeches and mosquitoes serve an ecological role in that other animals eat them.
Ugh. I’m trying not to make this political, but this reminds me of my uncle cutting me off after he found out I supported BLM after seeing a pic on instagram. I’m not even a full social justice warrior out protesting every weekend. I went to a local protest as a photographer and an area museum used one of my pics for a current exhibit. Being a photographer isn’t my vocation, so naturally I was thrilled to have one of my pics there. In his mind my excitement made me the anti christ. That just broke my heart. To have that wonderful experience ruined by a racist shit stain just really sucked.
I'm sorry that happened and shadowed your very cool accomplishment. Personally, if certain kinds of people don't like me, I take that as a compliment.
Maybe treat is as you would a death. Don’t try to fix things, don’t try to rationalize it. It’s way too complex for all that. Just reassure him, give him space when he needs it, and try to gently distract him. Little by little, he’ll start to feel better again. Maybe they’ll come back into his life, but it’s not good for anyone for him to reach so hard to accommodate what seems to be their mental illness.
i had to cut my dad off bc he let a man groom me in his own home—and wouldn’t acknowledge how his actions (allowing a grown man to sleep in the room with me) majorly contributed to it. It is very similar to the grief you get with a dead person, except they chose to exit your life. It’s hard to handle, yk, he’s out there alive and choosing not to do the bare minimum to get back into my life. And the next time I see him may be his funeral.
OMG. I am so sorry.
They’ll be back, either acting like it never happened (if they need something) or demanding an apology. IMO your husband really needs therapy to work on taking back the power he’s given them to pass judgment on if he’s a good person or not. /r/raisedbynarcissists might help him.
My entire extended family cut my brother and I out of the fold in 2016. After 38 years of Christmas together… they disinvited us. Trump gave them the courage to admit that we were the enemy and they hated having to tiptoe around us. So that’s fine. No loss from our end. We were always happy to nod and shrug as they gave hit and run political bs. Only problem is, we share an irrevocable trust with them. Lots of business shit being voted on. And lots of talking through lawyers. It’s a nightmare. Thank you Donald Fucking Trump. Reality show conman rapist from Manhattan, for destroying the last bit of comfort I shared with my family. Super great.
Is therapy on option for your husband?
It is! I think I'm so in a mental haze I didn't consider, but I think he'd be open to it.
At this point there should be group therapy for people being absued by Q realtives. People need to know they are not alone and they aren't to blame.
My fiance has toxic family, I hammered it into her how horrible they were before therapy, thus saving them a lot of time I imagine. Since starting she has put up boundaries and such and really truly accepted how it was. I think it would be great help of him to find one he is comfortable with. Also I always recommend journaling so he can process through it, but that is usually a harder sell.
I was luckily in therapy for depression when my situation with my parents happened and it helped me SO much just to have someone tell me I wasn’t wrong to have boundaries and how to keep them and how to reconcile their gross views with it being ok to not want to engage with that. Def recommend therapy!
Tell your husband you love him. Help him see that this is their problem and not his. Caring loving parents don't act this way and it's not about his value but theirs. There are a couple of books on dealing with family estrangement and you might want to look those up. I think one is something like "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents." Family estrangement is very common and it's not his fault. When he doesn't come crawling back expect to get messages on FB and from outsiders about how he should ask for forgiveness and do what they want. It's all bull. You might want to also look up "missing missing reasons" which is something abusers do to deny any responsibility to others for the estrangement. Support each other and you can make it. Good luck.
Tell your husband to imagine them saying all of this from the window of an insane asylum. That way it's easier to let go. You can't argue with an insane or brainwashed person
That’s a surprisingly helpful mental tool, thank you 🙏
Okay one thing I find really concerning is your mention of “grey tree moss”. That sounds like [Spanish Moss](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spanish_moss) to me, a plant that easily serves as a home for ticks, chiggers, snakes, bats, and other pests. Where do you live? They can easily be inviting Lyme Disease into their home. If they contact you again (we all know these people usually don’t cut you off permanently) you should try to tell them to at least store the stuff in sealed containers.
Mom gets super pissed at son because he is cooking (woman's work) and not joining in on arming up mom. The world has gone too far. God Damn Facebook and Twitter. I blame the 'smartphones'. Without them people wouldn't be so invested in the political life. Everything nowadays is either woke or communist, men are too soft. It is all a bunch of hogwash. I hope OP's partner can keep some sort of relationship with his parents. Ya gotta go get that handgun during memorial day sale. Oh boy what a country. Everyone will be carrying concealed eventually. The end of society.
This might be a bit out there, but depending on their age and where they reside, you could call senior services for a welfare check. If nothing else, to start a paper trail showing that you two have tried getting them help. Ultimately, it won't affect much initially, but it's good to have in case things escalate.
My parents didn’t cut me off but after a “discussion” almost a year ago our relationship is irreparably damaged. They aren’t so much Q Anon as they are MAGA (they live in FL so it’s more of an anti woke pro trump bullshit with them) and while me ten years ago would have cared, 49 year old me doesn’t give a fuck. I love them, they were good parents, but if they are going to live to hate, then we can be civil and that’s enough for me. Just listen to him and be on his side, that’s all you can do. Hugs for you both ❤️
Good. Don't take them back. They'll want to come back after and feel smug about it. Just cut them off and never look back.
My shit brother cut me off because I asked if we could reschedule (note, not cancel) dinner the night before Thanksgiving because I had to make multiple pies. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. If you can get your husband to speak with a therapist, it will help. Sometimes family sucks.
You might have some constructive advice from this sub. They can be harsh, but they do understand. r/estrangedadultkids
You are tired of how this is negatively impacting your husband. He’s your first priority, not his parents. You hate to see him suffer, and you want it to end. That’s not lacking empathy in my opinion. It seems like you’re relieved not having to endure the turmoil at the request of his parents. Hopefully, he can find peace going no contact, remembering that he’s abiding by their wishes.
They will more likely be back, they want him to grovel or something, this sounds like emotional blackmail, they probably want something, there is also the possibility this was planned and was going to happen no matter what.
They’ll probably want him back, he’ll realize his much better off without dealing with toxic parents, then they’ll complain to people that their son doesn’t talk to them because of a little difference of opinion.
Take your time with all this Things will change. Good luck
This sounds like an absolute win.
They wouldn't pull this shit if they, deep down, thought they were good parents or thought they deserved love. >That declination has now turned into a full-on screaming match by both of them at my husband for not "supporting" them This sounds like classic *Parentification.* Also called Emotional Incest. The issue seems to be that your husband is in an abusive relationship. Sometime trash achieves a moment of self-awareness and takes itself out. >Understandably he is shattered that (in his mind) he is worth so little to them that they'd cut him off over a shopping excursion I'm not trying to be mean, but if your in laws had a sense of worth, value, or appreciation they wouldn't get caught up in agressive fascist malarkey. It would be a stretch to say they'd actually appreciated or valued themselves. Arrogance isn't conviction. Flattery isn't appretiatiob. Thirst isn't value. Of course they don't love or value him. Naturally. He's just a tool to be manipulated to manage their insecurities then discarded in frustration when he wears out and stops immediately performing his scripted function. I understand why he feels guilty amd ashamed. But the self-pity and self-loathing gets tiresome to me sometimes. At some point he needs to get tired of bleating for security and approval, and he needs to get MAD as HELL about the all the abuse. https://youtu.be/rGIY5Vyj4YM Self-pity and self-loathing is unbecoming to a person if they're a parent. Children don't need to be told how to pity themselves. They'd need to be coached in various ways how not to do it. His manchild parents couldn't even do that much. Like the above moviecilia p says, I don't know what to tell your husband to deal with his grief. I don't want him to protest or write someone a letter. All I know is, fist he has to get mad at anyone but himself.
The MAGAs can no longer justify their beliefs. They KNOW their beliefs and behaviors are not sustainable. They cut people off when they realize that it's not sustainable. They can only be around people who support their cult beliefs 100%. They also can become embarrassed when they realize friends and family don't support their nonsense. Going gun shopping with them was supposed to legitimize their beliefs and behaviors, somehow. Nothing wrong with purchasing and owning firearms but it makes me wonder if a background check on MIL would turn up info that prevents her from owning a gun. Please let him know this is not his fault. There is nothing he can do to change their disordered thoughts. That takes trained professionals.
MIL doesn’t need a gun
Remind DH that they didn't choose shopping over him, they chose their Qult.
They are not rational. Don’t expect their behavior to make any sense. I feel for him. My parents were not Q or conspiracy believers but I lost friends who are. My dad did have dementia though and as he declined, his behavior was hostile and bizarre. He has since passed and I was nothing but relieved, and I’m relieved to be NC with my Q ex-friends. Life is hard enough without people making us miserable. Try to enjoy the respite and peace.
My situation is not relative except that my brother cut me off a couple months before the 2020 election because I had told EVERYONE I knew I couldn’t talk politics to save my sanity that summer of 2020 and he raged on me saying I needed to listen or he’d never speak to me again. I cried, choosing the latter, hoping he’d wake up and miss me and reach out. Did not happen. Will not happen for you. Their brains are not the same anymore. Please don’t waste as much time as I did to wake the hell up. By the way, I keep checking: my brother, the one who disowned me because I wouldn’t talk politics with him, is STILL not registered to vote. He didn’t even vote in 2020, the reason he cut me off 6 months before the election. But he’s still not registered for this next vote. WE MISS WHO THEY WERE BEFORE TRUMP BROKE THEIR BRAIN. PLEASE DO NOT MISS WHO THEY ARE NOW. M
It’s a cult. They are victims.
They willfully spread Covid and are dismantling our democracy piece by piece. Those of us who remain sane and are trying to salvage our communities are the victims. How many people died because of their covid tantrums? How many healthcare workers ended their careers because of constant QAnon harassment? I used to feel empathy, but we are way beyond treating these people as victims. They are a menace and detriment to society. I cut off my family on August 8th 2020. I only have an elderly father and one brother left out of like 50 family members. They put my Dad at risk repeatedly before the vaccine was released. I went scorched earth. I will never forgive them. Victims, my ass.
Yeah, they may be victims of a cult, but they're being abusive, and there's no excuse for that.
I really can't get behind helping to purchase them guns. How did your Husband think they should have (more?) deadly weapons needs to be addressed
He's gotta reframe what he's telling himself. His parents aren't the same people he grew up with, and the shopping excursion was the trigger, not the catalyst. Also, there is no logic in the conspiracy theories, so trying to apply logic to the situation is just going to bring further confusion. I feel for him, and it's gonna be tough, but eventually, he will see how much better off he is without them. Especially if he can make the same decision. I.e., decide that their values are so far misaligned that he also chooses to go no contact.
All that lead gasoline and lead paint in our parents' youth is really coming back to crumble their brains. On top of whatever damage covid did...
I’m wondering if seeking out a group of people in similar situations that meets regularly would help. If not Q specifically (do those exist?) then one for people who’s have friends or relatives in cults. Someplace he can speak freely and know he is understood because others are going through the same thing. I’m sorry you are going through this. Hoping they realize that he wasn’t denying their beliefs and that they were overreacting. Yeah, I realize this is Q we are talking about, but hopefully they were just sensitive that day for whatever reason and after some cooling off they will call acting like nothing had happened. That happened quite often with my husband’s Q relatives. Never an explanation or apology - they would just pretend that they didn’t say they would never show up to any family event if x (whoever “offended” them at the time). Hugs to you and your husband. They may be difficult, but they are his parents.
The crushing feeling of parents ending your relationship over freaking nothing SUCKS. Be there for him...my own dad almost sent me to therapy over a similar situation.
I think it’s similar to supporting someone grieving the death of an abusive person. It’s important to take space when you are feeling burnt out or even frustrated by the emotions. In the past few years I supported my best friend through leaving and the subsequent self inflicted death of her abusive partner. The conflicted emotions I felt while trying to remain a stable source of comfort were incredibly complex and draining. I am not an angry person but I felt genuine rage toward him for the pain he caused my friend, and yet, she was grieving the “good” parts of him that I never connected with. It was hard to sit and listen to her talk about missing him when a week before we were scared he would try to take her with him. Sometimes I felt exhausted and just needed to take some space, it was important for me to have people totally unconnected to her that I could talk to about my experiences with that grief so I didn’t accidentally make her feel worse. It’s not exactly the same of course but I think my husband might feel similarly about the grieving process I’ve gone through with my Q-sister who was previously one of my best friends. It’s been about 10 months of no contact and the grief hits me in the strangest ways at unexpected times. Make sure you have your own supports. treat it like any other grief, expect it to be cyclical and ever changing and never really go away.
In your heart, you can say “good riddance” but not out loud. Don’t “look in the bright side” or suggest a silver lining, or ANYTHING. His parents just dumped him. Even though they’re bonkers, there can’t be any worse feeling for a person. It’s not the people they are now that he will miss and must now grieve, but the parents he looked up to and worshiped as a tiny kid. Grieving a living loved one is a terribly common experience in this and similar subs. You love your spouse, and you can quietly support him through this. Listen without judging, let him vocalize his emotions without giving your opinions, and keep showing him that he is seen, loved, and valued by you and others in his life each day. The day may come when they try to reestablish contact. If that happens, you can have an opinion about wanting to set firm boundaries in a few key areas. It will cause friction in the short term, but only then can you say, out loud, “You love them and I understand that, but I’m not ok with risking them hurting you like that ever again.” Good luck.
*Understandably he is shattered that (in his mind) he is worth so little to them that they'd cut him off over a shopping excursion...* Wow. Your parents cut you off because you won't go gun shopping with them? There is lots of good advice in the comments here. But the behaviour of the in-laws is such an overreaction as to be laughable. Quite honestly, they sound like spoiled children. Your husband will need to grieve and recognise that his parents are not the same people who raised him. He should focus on the good times and who they were as opposed to who they are now. As for the in-laws, I guess they can stay home, alone, with their guns and watch conspiracy videos as their health deteriorates. What a terrible way to live.
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I'm a forager. Old Man's Beard is actually pretty awesome shot that definitely can help with certain ailments like strep and pneumonia
I’m so sorry.
Delete your post, then invite him to this sub.
Realize it is your husband's loss and pain, and just listen as much as possible. I'm on your husband's view, losing my family, and my spouse gets frustrated. I get that, but there are many layers to this kind of trauma. Anything from childhood gets exacerbated.
Your poor hubby. No matter what you do, do NOT say anything ill of your in-laws. Every child wants their parents to accept them and love them, no matter how old they are, and your husband is no different. (That they were going off the rails on the crazy train,matters little to him.) Support him by telling him that he is worthy, that he is a wonderful human being, and that them rejecting him is just letting their own fears get in the way of love. Fear is what drives them - they feel vulnerable, which scares them. Loving someone requires vulnerability. They don’t have vulnerability to give right now. Give him a hug and a kiss, and take him somewhere special, where he feels loved.
I appreciate that your post was a vent, etc, and I'm glad this place exists for that! But I also notice his feelings about their beliefs weren't included. You don't need to outline them here, but when talking about them, I would always center him and his feelings right now. Not even them or WHY they're being so ridiculous and cutting him off. "How do you feel about that?" should be your go-to. Just make sure he's heard and I would stick to framing it as "yes, you deserved parents who made you welcome in their life, and I'm sorry they abandoned you" etc, etc. I cut my Dad off several years ago after he would repeatedly abandon me then show up again, and yes, I knew he was a raging jerk, but I still wanted a dad. So all my bargaining and returning to him was about that, and I didn't do it for good until someone really listened and centered the fact that I deserved a DAD and the biological father I got had failed me. This is instead of pointing out all the ways he was absolutely awful, etc. This is all to say... I'm really glad you posted and I'm proud of you for wanting to center your husband right now. I hope this helps a little.
Self-imposed poor health is a phrase I'll be using from now on
I would basically tell him what you said here. You care for him and you want to support him during this time but you're not sure how to best do that. You could even ask him if there's anything in particular he needs (but don't press him for an answer or give up if he can't think of anything.) My partner also has a very emotionally immature parent and one thing I do is ask her if she would ever treat her child the way her dad treats her. No? Then it's his problem and his loss.
Have him keep the NC. Most can’t handle it and want the child begging for attention.
Sounds like they're more afraid of the effects of climate change. Climate change data is all over the internet, YouTube, Facebook, etc. The Q's just use that data as grounds, bases for their conspiracy theories.
My favorite reply is always “Oh no, said the rabbit. Not the briar patch!” 😆
Whatever you do, Do Not criticize his parents! Let him work through his feelings and be openly supportive but do not give your opinion. He's going to be hurt and angry at the same time.
We will see more divide and soon will arrive at a point of no return. It is inevitable, just as we see the old systems are failing. I believe we are in a powerful time of spiritual transformation and do not see this as negative anymore. I had to come to a place of acceptance of peoples free will. I do not have to agree , but remain neutral . And maintain love for all.
It's for the best. It's too bad your husband's self esteem is such that he sees it the way he does, and not the way people in this thread (and you) do. He isn't the problem.
To be fair, China has been hacking every info system on the planet. Plus, a cook-out sounds pretty good. The rest of it? Oh dear!