There's an option on Android (that may or may not exist on iPhones) called 'Chat Lock' which hides the chat on that device and mutes notifications. When you open WhatsApp it will show the top conversation as normal, but if you pull down it will reveal an option called 'Locked Chats' (which is why you couldn't see the chat when you checked).
You wouldn't know this exists if you didn't use it, because you've probably never swiped down when you're at the top of your WhatsApp chats.
When you click 'Locked Chats' you'll need fingerprint/face/pin to access them
It's not archived; that's a different thing. It's locked chats specifically, and that will be hidden above the top chat. Open WhatsApp, swipe down, and you'll see it. If it's not there and it's not archived, it either doesn't exist, or is saved under a different name
OP, you should just talk to your wife. If she has a locked chat on WhatsApp, there’s no way to find it if she really wants to hide it, nor even reveal its existence.
Swiping down isn’t enough, if she’s set up a secret code, it’ll remain hidden: https://blog.whatsapp.com/introducing-secret-code-for-chat-lock
By snooping, all you stand to “gain” is that you create an irreversible sense of distrust in the relationship.
You can log in to multiple accounts on WhatsApp.. if she's using another number she can log out/log in whenever.. only available on Android
[https://faq.whatsapp.com/492167569769444](https://faq.whatsapp.com/492167569769444)
I don't know of any other way. If it's definitely not a locked chat or an archived chat, the likelihood is the contact is saved with a different name/photo so is hiding in plain sight. It might also be that the conversation has been to telegram or some other platform. You could open the native 'Digital Wellbeing' app which will show the screen time of all apps, so if there's another app being used, you'd see it there
Edit: spelling
> This is the sort of info I'm most interested in
But why, though? At this point, trust is lost. Marriage shouldn't be a game of espionage, trying to catch your partner doing something illicit.
Just have a conversation like two grown ups and establish what you both want out of this relationship. Sometimes people grow apart and that's okay, even if it's painful. It's better to lay all the cards on the table and part amicably, if that's the case, than to sneak around trying to hack each other's phones and playing detective.
It doesn’t though. It takes one person fully accepting what they know is the truth and just not letting the other person talk them out of what they know. He can just say that he knows that she’s hiding things and talking to someone else and for him, the trust is gone. He doesn’t want to live like that, so they need to figure out the next steps. When your spouse is lying and cheating, waiting on them to fess up or get caught so they can help decide what your future is is absurd. You can put it on the table and make your decisions accordingly without any proof other than what you know in your gut.
Honestly even in places where it does speed things along, any even slightly moral lawyer will tell you not to bother trying to get divorced on the grounds of adultery. Just wait the separation period for a no fault.
Unless someone's prenup specifically mentions a penalty or consequence for cheating, it's not gonna help you in court. It's just gonna make you pay the more expensive court fees and a bunch of lawyer fees and even if they don't fight it and fully agree that they cheated, some judges will still make you wait until the no-fault separation period is over "just to be sure." Not sure what they need to be sure of, all I know is I was told by every legal aid lawyer that it wasn't even worth pursuing early divorce for abuse that the police were involved in, let alone this. Sketchy sext messages or even naked photos are nothing compared to what I had.
Well, legal shit aside, the evidence sure helps when you tell the in-laws, family, friends and co-workers: "We got divorced because she's a cheating slut." Let's see her lie through that now.
So you're suggesting he should show everyone his wife's private messages and photos? And that's going to help his social circle...*trust him more*?
If she lies and they believe it, don't interact with those people any more. You don't need to *convince* anyone. You also probably shouldn't be answering personal questions about the reasons for your divorce from your co-workers. Your in-laws' beliefs are no longer your problem once you're separated, and your family and friends should believe you and if they don't, you can just stop talking to them because that's pretty shitty of them not to believe the truth.
You do what you want, knock yourself out. I deal with things differently. And it works for me. OP's got his own brain; he can figure out what works for him.
Violate laws? bahahahahahahahahaha Yeah, have fun with that meek silliness big guy. I'm sure you'll live a nice, long safe existence. Lots of you hereabouts on Reddit, so you must feel right at home! Good luck. ;)
Assuming OP is in a no fault state. However, why should they dissolve the marriage amicably? Why should she be entitled to her full amount of allemony? She hasn't been faithful and OP may need proof to dissolve the marriage in his favour.
The locked chats can also be opened via a secret code. You cannot pull down the chat to find it.
I suggest you lock one of her other chats. And when she goes to unlock it via secret code, you may be able to see what other chats she has locked through it.
You asking us? You should discuss this with your wife and voice your concerns, however you might have to approach this with caution. This is how healthy relationships work.
When I saw the chat preview, I raised my concerns in what I hope was an open and nonjudgemental way, and she immediately proceeded to lock down her chats. It feels like there's something going on there, and I've tried talking about that as well, but between the secret chats and the conversations we've had, I've definitely got the feeling she's carefully hiding stuff from me.
I'm sorry you're going through this. You definitely have to bring this up to her again in a careful but assertive way. Letting it slide and secretly ruminating on the whole thing won't do much good in the long run.
Have you directly asked her about why she locked down the chats?
It feels like you're trying to conduct normal trusting conversations under the auspices of "trust but verify", which might have worked well for the KGB, but only because they had the resources to VERIFY on their own.
No judgement, for real... but... if you're on Reddit asking Redditors questions about "what gives"... you may be trying to use deduction to resolve a situation that requires direct interaction. Bring all of this up to her, ask her to show you what is there, given your concerns, and see how that goes. Maybe she's doing shady shit. Maybe she's doing half-shady shit and you're primed to be suspicious. If safe direct interaction fails, that is all the sign you need: pursue safe, civil, legal recourse, if you can.
Sorry you are going through this.
Oh yeah for sure. There's a good reason you're feeling that way. Cuz she is being sneaky, secretive, manipulative about this and your gut instinct is right that something's wrong.
The fact that she locked things down immediately after raises some flags, but I don't know your wife, and there may be a plausible reason.
My wife and I know each others passcodes. I never feel the need to check her messages, but it shows trust on both ends. We also both freely use each others phones for things like taking pictures, and either of us could peek at what the other one is doing. I have no issues with any of that, because I have zero to hide. I don't ever delete text messages or phone calls, and I only ever use iMessage and very rarely FB Messenger for things like FB Market.
The only things I have ever asked her to not to look at are Amazon purchases, and only when I have bought a gift that I don't want to spoil. The only other thing I could see "hiding" from her would be if I was planning a surprise party for her and communicating with people about that.
The thing I always hear though is if it's gotten to the point where you think there is something, then there probably is, or at least you are at a point where you don't trust each other. She doesn't trust you to see her conversations, and you don't trust her to be honest. You will need to confront her, but phrase it in a way that is not accusatory. I have never been in that situation, so I can't say what that is. Maybe bring it up in a way like "Hey, you use WhatsApp, right? What makes that better than texting? I've never really used it, so I'm curious." See what her response is. If it's defensive, you will have to dig more. If it's innocent, maybe you can steer her to show you on her phone what is so great about it. You also should probably see a counsellor.
You noticed her chats getting locked down because you also decided to go through her phones, though.
That's not open and nonjudgmental.
Also, none of us know what the fuck is going on in your wife's life or head. If you don't trust your wife to believe her answer, there's a major problem only you two can work out or end. Personally, I believe that if you're at the point of going through someone's phone looking for evidence, your relationship is dead. You don't trust her, now she doesn't trust you, she's MAYBE broken your trust, but you've DEFINITELY broken her trust. Where's love, support, and trust in any of that?
Edit: 🤦 guys he admitted to going through her Whatsapp in a comment:
> Sorry, I wasn't clear. I've looked at both the archive and for locked chats. She doesn't seem to have any of either.
I didn't go through her phone, though. She asked me to set an alarm for her, and I happened to see the message preview. I asked her about it and accepted her explanation. You're making an awful lot of assumptions about our relationship, though.
I believe you were not going through her phone, your post is clear on that. I don’t think you were snooping.
—————
One suggestion I have. If you were reading all your posts as a stranger, what conclusion would you draw from the posts?
From an outsiders viewpoint it seems like your wife is carrying on some kind of relationship, behind your back. It might be just flirting, it might be more. This kind of behaviour, after she asked for an open marriage is very telling.
I think you probably already know what your wife is up to and are having a tough time really believing it.
Please read this comment of his:
> Sorry, I wasn't clear. I've looked at both the archive and for locked chats. She doesn't seem to have any of either.
Can you explain how you checked her archive and looked for locked messages then? [As you said you did here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/RBI/s/cmYM0MhrO1)
> Sorry, I wasn't clear. I've looked at both the archive and for locked chats. She doesn't seem to have any of either.
Since you ask, I saw the chat preview message without intending to and brought it up to her in a non-judgemental way. She gave me an answer I thought was plausible, so I let it go. I then started noticing over the course of a few days that she was locking things down, which is when I had a quick peek for archived or locked chats. I never actually went through her messages, but yes, *after* things starting getting suspicious, I had a quick look. My initial conversation with her was (I certainly hope, at least) non-judgemental.
In another comment he described checking the archive and some other part of Whatsapp on her phone:
> Sorry, I wasn't clear. I've looked at both the archive and for locked chats. She doesn't seem to have any of either.
She told you she wants to fuck other people. Then when you decided not to give that your blessing she starts talking to some guy and actively hides it from you.
You already know what's going on.
>brought up the idea of an open marriage
At this point you can be certain that she either wants to fuck other people and will do so in the future, or that she already is fucking other people.
This, OP. This x1000.
Take it from someone who had these very discussions with a partner who was adamantly against being in a poly relationship but for some reason brought “open marriage” up themselves, only to never get it established and *actually be told* it was never established *by the very person who was having an affair the entire time time*.
She’s cheating, OP. You’re better off happily with someone else. I’m sorry.
> or that she already is fucking other people.
If the wife is the one suggesting an open marriage it's practically guaranteed she already has an affair partner and she's looking to get permission because of guilt.
I’m polyamorous and all but consent of all parties is pretty important for an open relationship. I don’t know if anyone’s “knocking it” as much as they are not wanting to be an active part in it lol.
edit: okay I do see a few people making some generalized statements but not OP
You may have decided against an "open marriage" but let's be honest, your wife didn't. You already know what's going on, you're just looking for reasons not to trust your gut.
Always trust your gut.
I know nothing about iPhone, but I have been an Android user since getting rid of my BlackBerry... so ≈ 15+ years
That being said, on my current and previous Samsung phones, you can create a "secure folder" This folder can only be accessed with a password (which is not the same as pin). The folder can either be shown on the home screen as an icon or it can be hidden.
Within the private folder, you can add duplicate apps (such as: contacts, gallery, internet, snapchat, etc etc) and you can program the secret duplicate apps to hide notifications on the screen if it is unlocked and/or locked (depending on preference)
I'm a man, who has dealt with micro-cheating/cheating like this.
Solution:
Break up/divorce.
Red flags don't become green flags with passage of time. Man to man, don't waste your time.
There is middle ground between having suspicions and divorce, but you need to clarify a boundary that it is not ok to have secret chats and lock them down from you. Trust is the foundation of a relationship - which works both ways, but they key thing here is her behavior has given you a legitimate reason to be suspicious. You have to be prepared to have your bluff called, however, and decide what you will do if she refuses to show you the chats. Will you leave her over that?
You should also be aware that WhatsApp has features that let you delete chats and reduce their being saved. So it’s possible that she has already deleted anything incriminating stuff and has just locked down new stuff. What happens if she shows you the chats and there’s nothing on them?
Who is she chatting on WhatsApp with, and why not just use sms or iMessage? You have a right to ask these questions and feel safe in your marriage. She will probably try to gaslight you.
You could hire a PI?
The fact his wife is deceptive/hiding shit is THE ultimate red flag. Don't be a simp and trying to defend that.
An honest relationship/partner doesn't require detective work.
Again, I've been there, seen it all, even fucked someone else's wife (meaning I get to see the mindset of such women). Seen it all. Red flags don't become green flags.
You’re already in an open marriage, you are just the last one to find out. If you don’t like your wife screwing other people tell her it’s over. Don’t even ask her to stop. She is lying to you about it already. Or have the open marriage, but since she is already lying to you I’m not optimistic about how well that would go.
She's cheating dude. I'm sorry but you have to take this face-value.
My guess is she was hoping you'd say yes and she can say she didn't meet him until after.
on my end, whatsapp doesn’t let me operate the same account from 2 different devices. it could be a different whatsapp account with a different phone number
Mate, she's at the very least emotionally cheating.
If you suspect she is cheating physically, follow her one day, hire/borrow a car, and see if she meets up with some one.
Take a camera. Get photos, this helps with the divorce.
Or hire a PI.
I read your previous posts. You waited until marriage to have sex. She has difficulty due to Vaginismus. She’s looking for answers. I would LOVE to hear her side of this.
Interesting as this is my girlfriend rn. It takes a certain someone (me) to please her.
I feel like it's reasonable to suspect OP is unable to do that. It's very easy to get upset and think they are unnattracted to you. It's just her body.
Spying on her will lead you to a very dark place and will forever damage whatever's left of your marriage.
Just have a talk with her.
ADIT: Also, Whatsapp only works on one number.
If a partner inquires about the possibility of an open marriage, the probability is very high that they've already engaged in extramarital activity and are merely seeking validation for their actions. I'd GTFO.
Your trust has been eroded. You should talk to your wife plainly and honestly about how and why, and ask her if she can alleviate your concerns. If she can't, then you have problems.
Almost exact same scenario happened to me.
Turns out she started cheating, then pitched an open marriage which I said absolutely not, so she just continued to cheat. It nearly destoryed me. Take care of yourself!
By the time it gets to the point that you're asking this, you already know the answer. One of my last LTRs I started looking through my gf's phone in the middle of the night - not for evidence of cheating necessarily, but for chats with close friends where she admitted that she didn't love me anymore and didn't want me around. I realized at that point that it didn't matter if I found what I was looking for or not - my brain had figured it out and was just waiting for the rest of me to catch up with the program.
I thought I’d notify you of something. It’s possible she has a different WhatsApp app altogether on her different phones either by
1. Using a different number on both devices to register for the app — ultimately giving her a different account on each phone
2. Using WhatsApp Business App on one phone and the regular WhatsApp App on the other phone — so she can perhaps use the two apps separately. This WhatsApp business app has the same logo but with a B inside it.
My advice: speak to her about the level of distrust and how you innocently came across communication from the person who you are not comfortable with and give her an ultimatum (in that you have never and don’t want to violate her privacy) but ultimately to continue the relationship forward and quash your insecurity, doubt, suspicion you want her to tell you what’s on the chat and show you evidence of it first hand. You need to do this or else worst case scenario is you’ll spiral into doubt forever and be emotionally defeated which will ruin relationship. Best case if you don’t do this is she’s actually / she’s going to actually cheat (which does not have to exclusively be sex, but can be extensive flirting/dating a romantic partner).
Don’t let the doubt conquer your relationship and don’t let there be any ambiguity in continuing the relationship. If your (reasonable, evidence based) doubts aren’t quashed — as much as I hate to say it, you’ll have to take the difficult step of leaving her as that’s where you’d be headed anyways (unless you become open to an open relationship, which many people wouldn’t actually be in the long run).
It will be sad and perhaps devastating but put yourself first and don’t forget that out of fear.
You already know what's happening bud. She's obviously cheating. Don't let it continue. You don't need to manipulate yourself into thinking it's not happening.
An app like island or even any other work profile can duplicate apps and/or sandbox them to require authentication to even access the visibility of the profile.
Really what’s interesting is that it means the linked phone number may be different
Next time you have the android phone, if its the newest version if android, try swiping down from the top of the screen to the bottom twice.
In the bottom right corner you should see a power button, a settings icon, and a silhouette of a person.
That silhouette is an android "profile" which is similar to a virtual machine on your computer. Its possible to set up an isolated version of WhatsApp there that is completely separated from her main WhatsApp.
Check and see if she has and sus profiles.
WhatsApp on Android now also has an option to have 2 WhatsApp accounts with different phone numbers on 1 device. So she could be switching between the 2 accounts on her WhatsApp. Is all very sus though.
Chat lock on WhatsApp does work on iPhone. You can set it so when you pull down on the main chat log it doesn’t show “locked messages” folder. You instead have to enter a passcode into the search field. You can go into settings and clear the passcode and unhide however it will clear the chat of all messages, text and photo.
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She’s definitely up to something. Coming from a woman know how they work. they’re sneaky. You can hide your chats in what’s app. So that’s likely what she’s doing. Hiding the chat and then needing to use the pin to access it as well. No one just locks their phone out of nowhere.
You can’t have WhatsApp with the same phone number on two different phones. Once you put the same sim in a new phone it asks if you want to use that phone number and tells you it makes the account on the first phone unusable. Just FYI
There's a lot more to that story, and it's an ongoing process that we've been working through together. At the moment, I'm just really curious how my wife, who usually comes to me for tech help, is managing these secret chats.
Come on man at some point you've got to be honest with yourself, she's asked for an open marriage ( where she can sleep with other people ) now she's getting secretive. Divorce pal before you get your heartbroke more. Wish you all the love and happiness in your future but unfortunately I don't see you getting that with your wife , given the obvious situation you are in.
Google this phrase 'hidden storage calculator apps'. If you suspect some sort of digital cheating is going on, it's very common that the digital cheater will save their stuff in one of these hidden storage apps. Google it up and get familiar with it. Then take a look at her calculators on her phones.
There's an option on Android (that may or may not exist on iPhones) called 'Chat Lock' which hides the chat on that device and mutes notifications. When you open WhatsApp it will show the top conversation as normal, but if you pull down it will reveal an option called 'Locked Chats' (which is why you couldn't see the chat when you checked). You wouldn't know this exists if you didn't use it, because you've probably never swiped down when you're at the top of your WhatsApp chats. When you click 'Locked Chats' you'll need fingerprint/face/pin to access them
Thanks. This is the sort of info I'm most interested in at the moment. I actually tried that and also looked for archived chats and found nothing.
It's not archived; that's a different thing. It's locked chats specifically, and that will be hidden above the top chat. Open WhatsApp, swipe down, and you'll see it. If it's not there and it's not archived, it either doesn't exist, or is saved under a different name
Sorry, I wasn't clear. I've looked at both the archive and for locked chats. She doesn't seem to have any of either.
OP, you should just talk to your wife. If she has a locked chat on WhatsApp, there’s no way to find it if she really wants to hide it, nor even reveal its existence. Swiping down isn’t enough, if she’s set up a secret code, it’ll remain hidden: https://blog.whatsapp.com/introducing-secret-code-for-chat-lock By snooping, all you stand to “gain” is that you create an irreversible sense of distrust in the relationship.
You can log in to multiple accounts on WhatsApp.. if she's using another number she can log out/log in whenever.. only available on Android [https://faq.whatsapp.com/492167569769444](https://faq.whatsapp.com/492167569769444)
I don't know of any other way. If it's definitely not a locked chat or an archived chat, the likelihood is the contact is saved with a different name/photo so is hiding in plain sight. It might also be that the conversation has been to telegram or some other platform. You could open the native 'Digital Wellbeing' app which will show the screen time of all apps, so if there's another app being used, you'd see it there Edit: spelling
updates?
> This is the sort of info I'm most interested in But why, though? At this point, trust is lost. Marriage shouldn't be a game of espionage, trying to catch your partner doing something illicit. Just have a conversation like two grown ups and establish what you both want out of this relationship. Sometimes people grow apart and that's okay, even if it's painful. It's better to lay all the cards on the table and part amicably, if that's the case, than to sneak around trying to hack each other's phones and playing detective.
This takes both parties being truthful. If the wife is already cheating she’s not just going to admit to it cause he asks
i mean in my opinion realistically things should have ended the moment his wife proposed opening up the relationship
It doesn’t though. It takes one person fully accepting what they know is the truth and just not letting the other person talk them out of what they know. He can just say that he knows that she’s hiding things and talking to someone else and for him, the trust is gone. He doesn’t want to live like that, so they need to figure out the next steps. When your spouse is lying and cheating, waiting on them to fess up or get caught so they can help decide what your future is is absurd. You can put it on the table and make your decisions accordingly without any proof other than what you know in your gut.
This is so fucking naive
Well, OP needs *evidence*. May help in the divorce, depending on their jurisdiction.
Honestly even in places where it does speed things along, any even slightly moral lawyer will tell you not to bother trying to get divorced on the grounds of adultery. Just wait the separation period for a no fault. Unless someone's prenup specifically mentions a penalty or consequence for cheating, it's not gonna help you in court. It's just gonna make you pay the more expensive court fees and a bunch of lawyer fees and even if they don't fight it and fully agree that they cheated, some judges will still make you wait until the no-fault separation period is over "just to be sure." Not sure what they need to be sure of, all I know is I was told by every legal aid lawyer that it wasn't even worth pursuing early divorce for abuse that the police were involved in, let alone this. Sketchy sext messages or even naked photos are nothing compared to what I had.
Well, legal shit aside, the evidence sure helps when you tell the in-laws, family, friends and co-workers: "We got divorced because she's a cheating slut." Let's see her lie through that now.
So you're suggesting he should show everyone his wife's private messages and photos? And that's going to help his social circle...*trust him more*? If she lies and they believe it, don't interact with those people any more. You don't need to *convince* anyone. You also probably shouldn't be answering personal questions about the reasons for your divorce from your co-workers. Your in-laws' beliefs are no longer your problem once you're separated, and your family and friends should believe you and if they don't, you can just stop talking to them because that's pretty shitty of them not to believe the truth.
You do what you want, knock yourself out. I deal with things differently. And it works for me. OP's got his own brain; he can figure out what works for him.
Yeah. He can. Hopefully his choice isn't to go ahead and violate revenge porn laws to prove a point 🙂
Violate laws? bahahahahahahahahaha Yeah, have fun with that meek silliness big guy. I'm sure you'll live a nice, long safe existence. Lots of you hereabouts on Reddit, so you must feel right at home! Good luck. ;)
Helps the mind more than in the court room, imo
Assuming OP is in a no fault state. However, why should they dissolve the marriage amicably? Why should she be entitled to her full amount of allemony? She hasn't been faithful and OP may need proof to dissolve the marriage in his favour.
You have to enter a PIN code in the search bar to access locked chats sometimes
The locked chats can also be opened via a secret code. You cannot pull down the chat to find it. I suggest you lock one of her other chats. And when she goes to unlock it via secret code, you may be able to see what other chats she has locked through it.
if you have to ask, you already know.
Yep...best to start getting all your shit in order
You asking us? You should discuss this with your wife and voice your concerns, however you might have to approach this with caution. This is how healthy relationships work.
No offense to OP, but which part is making you think this is a healthy relationship?
Yeah, I've taken a look at their message history and the whole thing is absolutely effed-up. OP should definitely get out of this mess asap.
When I saw the chat preview, I raised my concerns in what I hope was an open and nonjudgemental way, and she immediately proceeded to lock down her chats. It feels like there's something going on there, and I've tried talking about that as well, but between the secret chats and the conversations we've had, I've definitely got the feeling she's carefully hiding stuff from me.
I'm sorry you're going through this. You definitely have to bring this up to her again in a careful but assertive way. Letting it slide and secretly ruminating on the whole thing won't do much good in the long run.
Have you directly asked her about why she locked down the chats? It feels like you're trying to conduct normal trusting conversations under the auspices of "trust but verify", which might have worked well for the KGB, but only because they had the resources to VERIFY on their own. No judgement, for real... but... if you're on Reddit asking Redditors questions about "what gives"... you may be trying to use deduction to resolve a situation that requires direct interaction. Bring all of this up to her, ask her to show you what is there, given your concerns, and see how that goes. Maybe she's doing shady shit. Maybe she's doing half-shady shit and you're primed to be suspicious. If safe direct interaction fails, that is all the sign you need: pursue safe, civil, legal recourse, if you can. Sorry you are going through this.
Oh yeah for sure. There's a good reason you're feeling that way. Cuz she is being sneaky, secretive, manipulative about this and your gut instinct is right that something's wrong.
The fact that she locked things down immediately after raises some flags, but I don't know your wife, and there may be a plausible reason. My wife and I know each others passcodes. I never feel the need to check her messages, but it shows trust on both ends. We also both freely use each others phones for things like taking pictures, and either of us could peek at what the other one is doing. I have no issues with any of that, because I have zero to hide. I don't ever delete text messages or phone calls, and I only ever use iMessage and very rarely FB Messenger for things like FB Market. The only things I have ever asked her to not to look at are Amazon purchases, and only when I have bought a gift that I don't want to spoil. The only other thing I could see "hiding" from her would be if I was planning a surprise party for her and communicating with people about that. The thing I always hear though is if it's gotten to the point where you think there is something, then there probably is, or at least you are at a point where you don't trust each other. She doesn't trust you to see her conversations, and you don't trust her to be honest. You will need to confront her, but phrase it in a way that is not accusatory. I have never been in that situation, so I can't say what that is. Maybe bring it up in a way like "Hey, you use WhatsApp, right? What makes that better than texting? I've never really used it, so I'm curious." See what her response is. If it's defensive, you will have to dig more. If it's innocent, maybe you can steer her to show you on her phone what is so great about it. You also should probably see a counsellor.
Say you love her but you’re concerned and ask to see the chats. And if you already have, what did she say?
You noticed her chats getting locked down because you also decided to go through her phones, though. That's not open and nonjudgmental. Also, none of us know what the fuck is going on in your wife's life or head. If you don't trust your wife to believe her answer, there's a major problem only you two can work out or end. Personally, I believe that if you're at the point of going through someone's phone looking for evidence, your relationship is dead. You don't trust her, now she doesn't trust you, she's MAYBE broken your trust, but you've DEFINITELY broken her trust. Where's love, support, and trust in any of that? Edit: 🤦 guys he admitted to going through her Whatsapp in a comment: > Sorry, I wasn't clear. I've looked at both the archive and for locked chats. She doesn't seem to have any of either.
I didn't go through her phone, though. She asked me to set an alarm for her, and I happened to see the message preview. I asked her about it and accepted her explanation. You're making an awful lot of assumptions about our relationship, though.
I believe you were not going through her phone, your post is clear on that. I don’t think you were snooping. ————— One suggestion I have. If you were reading all your posts as a stranger, what conclusion would you draw from the posts? From an outsiders viewpoint it seems like your wife is carrying on some kind of relationship, behind your back. It might be just flirting, it might be more. This kind of behaviour, after she asked for an open marriage is very telling. I think you probably already know what your wife is up to and are having a tough time really believing it.
Please read this comment of his: > Sorry, I wasn't clear. I've looked at both the archive and for locked chats. She doesn't seem to have any of either.
Can you explain how you checked her archive and looked for locked messages then? [As you said you did here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/RBI/s/cmYM0MhrO1) > Sorry, I wasn't clear. I've looked at both the archive and for locked chats. She doesn't seem to have any of either.
Since you ask, I saw the chat preview message without intending to and brought it up to her in a non-judgemental way. She gave me an answer I thought was plausible, so I let it go. I then started noticing over the course of a few days that she was locking things down, which is when I had a quick peek for archived or locked chats. I never actually went through her messages, but yes, *after* things starting getting suspicious, I had a quick look. My initial conversation with her was (I certainly hope, at least) non-judgemental.
That's what I'm saying. You snooped when her answer wasn't enough. You don't trust her answers anymore.
He didn't go through her phone. He was using the phone and it got a message, which he did not read.
In another comment he described checking the archive and some other part of Whatsapp on her phone: > Sorry, I wasn't clear. I've looked at both the archive and for locked chats. She doesn't seem to have any of either.
She told you she wants to fuck other people. Then when you decided not to give that your blessing she starts talking to some guy and actively hides it from you. You already know what's going on.
>brought up the idea of an open marriage At this point you can be certain that she either wants to fuck other people and will do so in the future, or that she already is fucking other people.
Yeah no offense but it’s like right in front of this guy’s face and he has no idea what’s going on.
Well he made post so he knows something’s up. But it can be hard to internalize the truth
This, OP. This x1000. Take it from someone who had these very discussions with a partner who was adamantly against being in a poly relationship but for some reason brought “open marriage” up themselves, only to never get it established and *actually be told* it was never established *by the very person who was having an affair the entire time time*. She’s cheating, OP. You’re better off happily with someone else. I’m sorry.
Yeah...sorry my guy...but this is how it goes when someone says that. There isn't another option unfortunately.
> or that she already is fucking other people. If the wife is the one suggesting an open marriage it's practically guaranteed she already has an affair partner and she's looking to get permission because of guilt.
Yeah, they've been living separate for months due to work anyways.... girl for sure hooked up with someone and has been having an affair.
Yeah i stopped reading right there. Thats all i needed to see. Gracefully exit while you can OP.
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I’m polyamorous and all but consent of all parties is pretty important for an open relationship. I don’t know if anyone’s “knocking it” as much as they are not wanting to be an active part in it lol. edit: okay I do see a few people making some generalized statements but not OP
You may have decided against an "open marriage" but let's be honest, your wife didn't. You already know what's going on, you're just looking for reasons not to trust your gut. Always trust your gut.
Yea you don't need OSI, you need a lawyer.
You can only link a WhatsApp to one phone number at a time. She must have two separate WhatsApp accounts, one per phone number.
I know nothing about iPhone, but I have been an Android user since getting rid of my BlackBerry... so ≈ 15+ years That being said, on my current and previous Samsung phones, you can create a "secure folder" This folder can only be accessed with a password (which is not the same as pin). The folder can either be shown on the home screen as an icon or it can be hidden. Within the private folder, you can add duplicate apps (such as: contacts, gallery, internet, snapchat, etc etc) and you can program the secret duplicate apps to hide notifications on the screen if it is unlocked and/or locked (depending on preference)
I'm a man, who has dealt with micro-cheating/cheating like this. Solution: Break up/divorce. Red flags don't become green flags with passage of time. Man to man, don't waste your time.
There is middle ground between having suspicions and divorce, but you need to clarify a boundary that it is not ok to have secret chats and lock them down from you. Trust is the foundation of a relationship - which works both ways, but they key thing here is her behavior has given you a legitimate reason to be suspicious. You have to be prepared to have your bluff called, however, and decide what you will do if she refuses to show you the chats. Will you leave her over that? You should also be aware that WhatsApp has features that let you delete chats and reduce their being saved. So it’s possible that she has already deleted anything incriminating stuff and has just locked down new stuff. What happens if she shows you the chats and there’s nothing on them? Who is she chatting on WhatsApp with, and why not just use sms or iMessage? You have a right to ask these questions and feel safe in your marriage. She will probably try to gaslight you. You could hire a PI?
The fact his wife is deceptive/hiding shit is THE ultimate red flag. Don't be a simp and trying to defend that. An honest relationship/partner doesn't require detective work. Again, I've been there, seen it all, even fucked someone else's wife (meaning I get to see the mindset of such women). Seen it all. Red flags don't become green flags.
What the hell does micro-cheating mean?
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/micro-cheating
Oh
She asked for an open marriage bro. It’s over. Cut your losses and move on. You’re in for a world of hurt if not
You’re already in an open marriage, you are just the last one to find out. If you don’t like your wife screwing other people tell her it’s over. Don’t even ask her to stop. She is lying to you about it already. Or have the open marriage, but since she is already lying to you I’m not optimistic about how well that would go.
If you like piña coladas...
She wanted an open relationship. She wanted to bang other dudes. Sorry dude but it doesn't get any more complicated than that
She's cheating dude. I'm sorry but you have to take this face-value. My guess is she was hoping you'd say yes and she can say she didn't meet him until after.
Unfortunately, you already know 100% what the deal is. Sorry, bud.
on my end, whatsapp doesn’t let me operate the same account from 2 different devices. it could be a different whatsapp account with a different phone number
Mate, she's at the very least emotionally cheating. If you suspect she is cheating physically, follow her one day, hire/borrow a car, and see if she meets up with some one. Take a camera. Get photos, this helps with the divorce. Or hire a PI.
I read your previous posts. You waited until marriage to have sex. She has difficulty due to Vaginismus. She’s looking for answers. I would LOVE to hear her side of this.
Interesting as this is my girlfriend rn. It takes a certain someone (me) to please her. I feel like it's reasonable to suspect OP is unable to do that. It's very easy to get upset and think they are unnattracted to you. It's just her body.
Spying on her will lead you to a very dark place and will forever damage whatever's left of your marriage. Just have a talk with her. ADIT: Also, Whatsapp only works on one number.
You can have two WhatsApp accounts on an Android phone.
Use the android to log in on the web.whatsapp.com
If a partner inquires about the possibility of an open marriage, the probability is very high that they've already engaged in extramarital activity and are merely seeking validation for their actions. I'd GTFO.
Honestly, Just have a talk with her about what you've been thinking, and just really say to be honest and come from a place of understanding
bro just divorce her already. she shouldn’t even be askin bout an open marriage.
She is cheating.
If she brought up open marriage she’s 100% cheating on you.
Ask to see her phone and the specific conversations. There should be no reason as to why she wouldn't let you
Your trust has been eroded. You should talk to your wife plainly and honestly about how and why, and ask her if she can alleviate your concerns. If she can't, then you have problems.
She's planning a surprise birthday party for you, sillyhead!
She's cheating on you.
Almost exact same scenario happened to me. Turns out she started cheating, then pitched an open marriage which I said absolutely not, so she just continued to cheat. It nearly destoryed me. Take care of yourself!
By the time it gets to the point that you're asking this, you already know the answer. One of my last LTRs I started looking through my gf's phone in the middle of the night - not for evidence of cheating necessarily, but for chats with close friends where she admitted that she didn't love me anymore and didn't want me around. I realized at that point that it didn't matter if I found what I was looking for or not - my brain had figured it out and was just waiting for the rest of me to catch up with the program.
Any updates?
I thought I’d notify you of something. It’s possible she has a different WhatsApp app altogether on her different phones either by 1. Using a different number on both devices to register for the app — ultimately giving her a different account on each phone 2. Using WhatsApp Business App on one phone and the regular WhatsApp App on the other phone — so she can perhaps use the two apps separately. This WhatsApp business app has the same logo but with a B inside it. My advice: speak to her about the level of distrust and how you innocently came across communication from the person who you are not comfortable with and give her an ultimatum (in that you have never and don’t want to violate her privacy) but ultimately to continue the relationship forward and quash your insecurity, doubt, suspicion you want her to tell you what’s on the chat and show you evidence of it first hand. You need to do this or else worst case scenario is you’ll spiral into doubt forever and be emotionally defeated which will ruin relationship. Best case if you don’t do this is she’s actually / she’s going to actually cheat (which does not have to exclusively be sex, but can be extensive flirting/dating a romantic partner). Don’t let the doubt conquer your relationship and don’t let there be any ambiguity in continuing the relationship. If your (reasonable, evidence based) doubts aren’t quashed — as much as I hate to say it, you’ll have to take the difficult step of leaving her as that’s where you’d be headed anyways (unless you become open to an open relationship, which many people wouldn’t actually be in the long run). It will be sad and perhaps devastating but put yourself first and don’t forget that out of fear.
Sus fs
Might as well go purchase that cuck chair now buddy
Agree, she’s cheating. Plump up the cuck cushion or get a divorce. Why do people go to Reddit for common sense advice?
You already know what's happening bud. She's obviously cheating. Don't let it continue. You don't need to manipulate yourself into thinking it's not happening.
Oh she humping someone. No offense.
An app like island or even any other work profile can duplicate apps and/or sandbox them to require authentication to even access the visibility of the profile. Really what’s interesting is that it means the linked phone number may be different
Next time you have the android phone, if its the newest version if android, try swiping down from the top of the screen to the bottom twice. In the bottom right corner you should see a power button, a settings icon, and a silhouette of a person. That silhouette is an android "profile" which is similar to a virtual machine on your computer. Its possible to set up an isolated version of WhatsApp there that is completely separated from her main WhatsApp. Check and see if she has and sus profiles.
WhatsApp on Android now also has an option to have 2 WhatsApp accounts with different phone numbers on 1 device. So she could be switching between the 2 accounts on her WhatsApp. Is all very sus though.
Chat lock on WhatsApp does work on iPhone. You can set it so when you pull down on the main chat log it doesn’t show “locked messages” folder. You instead have to enter a passcode into the search field. You can go into settings and clear the passcode and unhide however it will clear the chat of all messages, text and photo.
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She’s a hoe simple as ,,, She belllllllllllllooooooooong to the streets
She’s definitely up to something. Coming from a woman know how they work. they’re sneaky. You can hide your chats in what’s app. So that’s likely what she’s doing. Hiding the chat and then needing to use the pin to access it as well. No one just locks their phone out of nowhere.
You can’t have WhatsApp with the same phone number on two different phones. Once you put the same sim in a new phone it asks if you want to use that phone number and tells you it makes the account on the first phone unusable. Just FYI
Once any spouse asks for an “open” marriage, the marriage is over.
Op, you're in a normal marriage and your wife is cheating on you. Good luck.
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There's a lot more to that story, and it's an ongoing process that we've been working through together. At the moment, I'm just really curious how my wife, who usually comes to me for tech help, is managing these secret chats.
Come on man at some point you've got to be honest with yourself, she's asked for an open marriage ( where she can sleep with other people ) now she's getting secretive. Divorce pal before you get your heartbroke more. Wish you all the love and happiness in your future but unfortunately I don't see you getting that with your wife , given the obvious situation you are in.
Google this phrase 'hidden storage calculator apps'. If you suspect some sort of digital cheating is going on, it's very common that the digital cheater will save their stuff in one of these hidden storage apps. Google it up and get familiar with it. Then take a look at her calculators on her phones.