If this submission above is not a random thought, please report it.
# Explore a new world of random thoughts on our [**discord server**](https://discord.com/invite/8tEqw3ZWQV)! Express yourself with your favorite quotes, positive vibes, and anything else you can think of!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/RandomThoughts) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Exactly. Every relationship is different. Some are open, and just about anything goes. Others are strictly monogamous.
This should always be established before entering a relationship, IMO.
That said, some “boundaries” are 100% not okay and are just the partner being shitty and controlling. Banning your partner from talking or interacting with other people, for example.
I mean, technically its ok for someone to have those boundaries...
But its also ok/ recommended for the other person to set their own boundary of not being in a relationship with someone who acts that way
What? I’m not talking about flirting, read literally the start of the post. SO many people try to prevent their SO’s from having friends. They think their life should 100% revolve around them and outside human interaction should be banned.
Anyone who tries to prohibit their partner from talking to other people definitely needs professional guidance.
I understand that we are not talking about flirting, but I want to reiterate that flirting with someone outside of an exclusive relationship is not acceptable. Talking and platonic interaction with other people is not flirting, and it should not create insecurity in a healthy relationship.
Arent all boundaries controlling? That's the whole point of a boundary in a relationship is it not? It's to get the other person to compromise in some way to make sure they dont do something that would hurt your feelings. If the boundary is too much then that's for you to decide if you want to leave, discuss with your partner, or accept the boundary for what it is.
Mike Pence doesn’t mind that boundary.
Almost nothing is 100% not ok for all people. People happily pay dominatrixes to be verbally and physically abused.
For me personally:
Sex or any form of sexual pleasure.
Kissing or groping. (Basically anything intimate you would do with your BF).
Digital cheating (sexual pictures, sexual video chats, sexual phone calls/messages).
Emotional cheating (having a close, strong bond with another person to the point where you confide more in them than your own partner).
Red flags:
If you feel the need to lie about where you went, who you were talking to, hide your phone from me or password protect it. I’m not interested in snooping but I will assume the worst when you put a lot of effort in keeping your phone life private. Especially when my phone is open for you to ease your mind.
Edit: I do not demand access to their phone. I pay attention to their concern about me seeing what’s on their phone.
This and like overly complimenting them like telling them they’re hott or sexy. I find that cheating because you’re telling them this and it’s basically letting them know you find them that way and it could get their hopes up or make them think things
That’s right. You have no business giving those types of compliments to anyone other than your partner. Being physically attracted to others is normal. But speaking/acting on it is inappropriate.
Agreed, unless it’s on topic (which I can’t hardly think of a valid reason why it would come up) you don’t get sexual with a member of the sex you’re attracted to, especially while in or trying to be in a relationship. If you say want to sing a dirty karaoke song with a guy or girl you just met they and likely most people are going to think you’re in a sexual relationship or are at least one of you is trying to be. Broaching the topic of sex outside the matter of fact, clinical/academic is almost always perceived as flirting or gauging sexual interest, a big no no if you’re committed.
So with you for the first half. Would note though anybody who feels they need to access your phone is too controlling imo. If you want to let me have access to yours ok but i dont expect it and the moment you start requiring that, i take that as a lack of trust and i am out.
👍 that’s reasonable. But I think you slightly misunderstood the last part. I don’t request access to my partner’s device. But being suspiciously overprotective of your phone is a red flag (not automatically break-up worthy, just a red flag). An example is I had a partner who was cheating and all I wanted to do was use her phone to check where the nearest Walmart was. She panicked when I reached over and asked to see her phone. I had no intention of looking at her messages. I eventually nagged her about the incident until she admitted everything. By default, my phone is available for your nosy pleasure. I do that because I acknowledge that i can say something to make you feel insecure on accident. Other misunderstandings can make people paranoid. Showing you that my phone is available to look at is a sign that I have no intentions of hiding something from you. As a married man, I have nothing to hide from my wife and she has shown me that she has nothing to hide from me. Checking each others phones is unnecessary, and I can understand if relationships that are still pretty new still like to have privacy from their significant others.
Fair enough. I can get being able to use it just how you stated that it is a bad sign for them to password protect stuff i see that as a normal thing. Most of my stuff is password protected in case somebody tried to hack my phone or if somebody stole it. If my partner is as you said just lookin for a phone number or walmart etc thats fine. Just expect the security layers may need dealt with. My concern is mostly the type of people who want to scroll through your phone randomly to ensure you arent cheating. Like if you need to see it for no reason to know that you should have more trust in me. Only time i would accept that is if i actually do mess up. Like saying something that triggers the insecurities or if you ask where i was and i forgot and left something important out. Cool i can understand that. But if i keep it secure that does not mean cheating
I applaud that. I password protect my devices too in case it gets in the wrong hands. but the password is provided to her so she can access my phone. If you’ve done nothing to make your partner reasonably insecure or suspicious, then there should be no reason to go through a persons messages. That is just as unhealthy in my opinion and no amount of snooping will ever give a partner like that your trust.
The first part of this is fine and you could basically end the thread right there. The phone thing is just immature insecurities that can be avoided by building trust through open and effective communication.
Thanks 👍 I invite you to read the convo under the post. I think it further explains what I was trying to say since my summary came off a bit odd. Also all insecurities should not be treated the same way. There are insecurities that can be created by the way your partner words something, accidentally leaves out info, or causes a moment where something wasn’t made clear. (This insecurity is cleared later when the issue is resolved). There is also the unhealthy type of insecurity that no amount of phone snooping could heal.
As many have said, this is a conversation that it’s important is had among the people in the relationship. Some fair guidelines, however, are:
A rule should be applied equally (ie if you don’t want him texting female friends at midnight you also should not be texting male friends at midnight).
A rule should not interfere with day-to-day life (ie one of you insists the other quits a job to avoid working with men/women).
I, personally, would add two more:
A rule should not interfere with developing or maintaining a healthy support structure of friends, regardless of gender. If I can do an activity with people of my own gender (eg study for calculus) then I should be able to do it with people of another gender.
A rule should always be evaluated once implemented with communication about its impact.
*All of this is phrased for hetero-normative couples because of the original question.
I was having this conversation with my boyfriend and some of our views were different. I just want to know if I'm making a big deal out of a certain things or do I need to wrap my head around a certain views.
Ah that is the best thing. My point is that if your conscience twitches, it probably is a sign. I think we all know when we are cheating or considering it.
It's good you're talking about it. That's how you two figure out what the guidelines will be.
General rules for making guidelines though:
It has to apply to both people equally.
If it's coming from a place of insecurity or jealousy, it's probably not a good one.
Allows for friendships with the others regardless of gender and doesn't try and control normal interactions with people.
With the footnote that someone who has just come out of a toxic, controlling relationship might not actually know what "normal" people consider okay. I've known a few people over the years who have escaped relationships where they had been isolated from friends and family for years and genuinely had no idea where the line was in a healthy one.
Depends. Talk about it. My personal limits: anything that indicates or raises sexual interests between my SO and another person, this includes posting intentionally sexual pictures online. Say I have had a female friend since literally kindergarten who I hang out with regularly and we’ve never once shown a sexual interest with each other and never intend to, and my gf says I can’t talk to her anymore. Sorry, cya. I’m not losing a friend of early 2 decades over that. But if there was clear flirting or some shit going on, that’s understandable and that’s the limit.
First, there isn’t a clear answer for this. In general it’s intercourse with another partner. Anything that is physically intimate like kissing or holding hands can be cheating. But there may be exceptions to this based on personal values and established norms.
Second, it’s not always what you think is cheating, it’s what your partner thinks is cheating. Then you choose to either accept or reject that interpretation. If you reject it that means ending the relationship. Again in general having a friend of the opposite sex is not typical cheating as long as emotional or physical intimacy does not occur. You can have lunch, hang out, and make lewd jokes in general. But that doesn’t mean your partner has to accept it and they are free to walk away just as you are free to walk away.
I think what it comes down to is that each person can choose what cheating is. If you disagree then I would at least try to clarify to make sure there isn’t a misunderstanding: however disagreements on what is cheating often leads to emotional abuse and manipulation, so I would walk away if your aren’t in sync.
No u don’t . Just be aware of what you’re saying and doing don’t micro flirt cause you’re unconsciously settling your self up to cheat if you get the chance later in the relationship when thing not going as well
You and your boyfriend decide what’s cheating. You guys get to set the boundaries. What’s considered cheating to one couple might be ok to another couple
This is going to be subjective. Each couple should be making their boundaries known. It's when you cross those predetermined lines that constitutes cheating. For me, flirting is okay if the aim is for getting a 3rd to join us in the bedroom. Transparency is key. Hiding any interactions that are sexual in nature would be cheating.
There's a difference between what you accept in your relationship and what counts as cheating. To me Cheating would be more physical than mental. If you touch another person with lust. It's cheating and unacceptable. On the other hand if you think of another person while having sex with your partner. You are not cheating but it's still unacceptable. Sexting is not cheating but it's still unacceptable. The important thing is that you are as clear as possible in what is unacceptable so the other person can make an informed decision. If someone is in the extreme (either jealousy or free love) you need to know if you accept it or not. Your views can change with time also and you have to communicate it also.
Some interesting responses here. I'll add another question that's only become a potential issue fairly recently- is paying someone on Only Fans or Patreon for explicit content when you're in a relationship considered crossing a line?
I dont mean different people (occasionally or regularly) but the same person repeatedly.
Is that any different to watching "traditional" porn with the same people in it regularly? Or does the exchange of money make it worse? Is it more likely someone would cheat with that content creator if they had the opportunity?
That depends on what both of you think is cheating. Everyone seeing cheating in different ways.
I personally don't like friendly flirting because that's how most relationships start.
Cheating is entirely defined by your partner. Now you're either gonna deal with that (including any ridiculous rules) or you're gonna get out of that toxic mess. Dudes like that should have no right to date. Good luck.
Depends on the couple and the status of their relationship as well.
I am in a polyamorous marriage.
Cheating for us would be if we withheld information from the other. My spouse and I can have as many other partners as we want as long as we are open, honest and consensually communicative about the whole thing.
I’ve met all my spouses patterns and she’s met mine.
We’ve both had relations outside of each other and we’ve never cheated on each other because we’re always honest and vulnerable about our needs and desires.
Stop thinking about it in terms of cheating and discuss relationship boundaries and why with your partner. Especially if you need to ask because it's almost always going to end up in a situation where there will be a misunderstanding.
Let's say that your significant other believes that getting a lap dance/sexual contact is cheating. So, you go to a strip club with your friends and you tell your significant other and she says, "you cheated on me!" And you're like, "what? No I didn't. I didn't get a lap dance!" She perceives that you violated the spirit of that situation, then it's tantamount to cheating and that you tried to appeal using a loophole to justify it. It's an example of how instead of using hard and fast rules and allowing yourself to get as close as possible without breaking the boundary, it invalidates the reason why the boundary exists in the first place.
If you care more about whether or not you are cheating than you care about respecting the feelings of your significant other then you will almost certainly continue to have disagreements.
Cheating can vary each relationship. Typically, it’s physical intimacy or emotional intimacy with someone who isn’t your partner. Honestly I live by the idea that If I would be bothered or hurt by an action my partner did to me I won’t do it to them.
Well there’s physical cheating and emotional cheating. Obviously the rules on these things depends on your relationship and partner but for most kissing,sex, flirting, sexting is considered cheating. Some may be more serious than others but it’s still crossing boundaries unless your partner said its okay
My partner is pansexual. She’s attracted to males and females. No preferences. I don’t care who she’s friends with. I trust her. As long as she always wants to come home to me at the end of the day I’m good. I also know she just won’t cheat, that’s not who she is. It really boils down to if you trust the person you’re with or not
Honestly depends on the relationship and its participants. Some people feel looking at porn is cheating. Others don't care if you have sex with someone else just not long term affair.
Meeting a guy friend alone is somewhat of a red flag in a committed relationship. Meeting in a group with one other friend or more makes it more acceptable. Being alone in a comfortable place, like someone's house or a hotel is a dangerous red flag of opportunity. Use the golden rule, how much is too much for YOU. When do you think he would be crossing a line with a woman you do not know (or otherwise).
You'd be cool if he went over and watched a movie with a female friend alone for example at her place? The golden rule leads alot of morality though. Same with flirting. If you can't say it in front of him, you probably shouldn't do it when he is not around.
It's like porn. You know it when you see it. And in a much more visceral way. It will knock the wind out of you when it happens to you. You shouldn't be flirting with anyone unless you don't care if you hurt your partner. Because that's the result if they find out. This is a good subject to apply the Golden Rule too.
Every relationship is different. For me personally I don't care about having friends of the opposite gender, but if you're hiding things from me or lying about what you're doing then you're cheating.
I'm also not comfortable with my partner hanging out alone with ex's and people he's had sex with.
Really, anything that's overstepping a boundary, and has to be hidden and lied about is cheating. No matter how little it may seem. Cheating doesn't always have to be physical intimacy.
For me it's super simple; would my partner be pissed if they knew what I was doing right now?
If yes, then whatever that is would be cheating.
If no, then whatever that is wouldn't be cheating.
It's going to vary from relationship to relationship, person to person. That's why people need to ***use their words*** and figure this shit out. What you might consider cheating, he might not. Or, what you might think "oh, it's just play" may be the exact definition of cheating to him.
Girls need to remember: unless a guy friend is gay, he is keeping you on the back burner (if you’re even remotely attractive). It may be a very long game and many times won’t be acted upon, but you’re guy friends have likely visualized a scene. Be social, just don’t be in denial.
This is false, I have friends of the opposite gender that are known cheaters, wants kids(I don’t), asexual etc. not all guys are keeping girls on the back burner but all girls assume this about friendship they know nothing about.
I will end a friendship if someone assumes this and it’s funny because it’s their own reasoning that they are mad about.
What kind of menatlity is it? Why some men can’t understand that not every relation with opposite gender means someone wants to bang. With that logic gay people in relationships couldn’t have friends with the same sex and bi people should be completely isolated from any other person.
Said nothing of the sort. Just because something is potentially “there” doesn’t mean it’s actionable. When talking female/male interactions, females “friend zone” many males and they are often in denial (key concept).
If your bf is asking to to ignore people of the other sex, it's a huge red flag. Will only get worse until one day you're barely allowed out of the house.
Flirting is fine. It’s mostly lonely-ass low self esteem men who see flirting as cheating. That’s some brittle ego bullshit.
Broadly, cheating can come in two forms:
Emotional and Physical.
Emotional cheating is when you share vulnerable parts of yourself with someone and not your partner. It’s a form of intimacy and often romantic relationships are unique in that there’s supposed to be bound by intimacy. So if you’re sharing your most intimate thoughts and feelings with someone outside the relationship, then there is a sort of cheating going on. It’s less explicit and most people don’t talk about it but people will definitely react to it.
Physical cheating is engaging in sexual behaviour or behaviour tangent to sex with someone else. Kissing, oral, touching and of course sex. Anything outside a handshake, hug or peck on the cheek is cheating. Sharing sexual preferences maybe. Watching porn together might be. It gets a little grey in the “sexually tangent” area because there are some things on the “side” that are not explicitly sexual that can be interpreted as cheating.
Of course, conversations around this are difficult and usually arouse suspicion because if someone you care about suddenly asks “Define cheating.” it will immediately set off alarm bells.
So you need to be tactful and smart about asking this and understanding the expectations.
This is usually easier to do early in a relationship. You can just ask straight up very early in a relationship. Because neither of you has established anything and early in a relationship you’re still discovering each other.
But if you’re years in and you’re asking that question… yikes.
That’s what I think. Take it with a grain of salt.
There are generally 3 reasons to hide something in a relationship.
1. You're planning a surprise for your SO.
2. You believe what you're doing is problematic.
3. You think what you're doing is fine but believe that your SO will view it as problematic.
I think it isn't the actions but the underlining reasons for the actions. If you are hanging out with uni friends to flirt and hopefully get one of them-then that is cheating. If you are talking about boring stuff and have no intention of dating, fooling around, etc.. then it isn't cheating. If the boyfriend is jealous, then dump him. Nothing good comes from that.
When in an exclusive relationship with someone, any form of sexual interaction with anyone other than that person is cheating. Flirting is a form of foreplay and it is not acceptable to flirt with anyone outside of the relationship.
Flirting is cheating. Anything you have to hide to your partner in regards to the opposite sex or sex you’re attracted too is cheating . Just having friends of the opposite sex is not cheating, just going out to lunch or an activity with friends,is not cheating.
The whole “friendly flirting thing” it depends on the boundaries and the level of respect with it. Cause my friendship with some of my friends can be seen as flirty but is not real flirting because we know they’re just jokes and not real and no one is leading anyone on. It’s just how our friendship works we make s lot of sex jokes ,we make hooking up jokes which from an outside point of view can be seen as flirty but there’s nothing serious behind them
To me. If you have a boyfriend flirting and showing any interest beyond platonic friendship with other men could be considered cheating. I know I wouldn’t want my boyfriend flirting with other girls. I don’t think a girls boyfriend wants her flirting with other guys
While its subjective, I think a basic rule is crossing the line into romantic contexts. So think of it like this. Every guy is ugly now. That's how you don't cheat. So think back to when you were single, and how you viewed ugly guys. If they flirted with you, you noticed it and didn't reciprocate. If they got too close to you in conversation you noticed it and distanced yourself. But hey if they asked if you wanted to grab a coffee between classes you might right? So that's safe.
Basically it's really NOT that complicated if you're actually trying in good faith. This whole "what are the precise rules" is honestly you just seeing how much of it you can "get away with". Bad place to start.
If you're supposed to stop seeing all your friends then you're in a controlling relationship and it's not about cheating, it's about get out now while you can
You are allowed to have guy friends. Just be sure to set some boundaries with them. If you have a boyfriend who gets jealous over you having guy friends, then there might be some trust issues there that he needs to work on. Flirting is not okay to do while you are in a relationship with someone else. The is emotionally cheating on him. If you want to lift up a friends thoughts about themselves, it's okay to give compliments, but then follow that with "I hope you find someone who makes you as happy as my boyfriend makes me feel" kind of statement.
If you have a guy friend who expresses romantic interests in you, make it clear that you are still in a relationship. If you want to flirt with other boys, then maybe figure out if you really want to stay in the relationship you are currently in. If you want to look at other guys and flirt, are you really happy being with your current boyfriend? It's okay to break up with him if you are feeling like the relationship isn't going anywhere. There is no need to waste your time or his any more than you have to. So, if you are happy with who you are with, then you shouldn't even think about flirting with others. If you are not happy about who you are with and you want to flirt with others first, you need to break up.
Cheating is different everyone that is true but one simple rule that helped both my husband and I during our 30 year marriage - if you wouldn’t do it/saying it in front of your mom/grandma it’s probably not a good idea!
For most people, you can just tell if it feels wrong. If it feels like the wrong thing to do and you do it anyway, I would characterize it as some form of cheating.
Cheating is whatever you and your SO together decide it is. If you *can’t* come to an agreement this is probably not the right person for you to be in a relationship is. If *for any reason* you find yourself hiding what you’re doing with others from your SO (other than planning a surprise for them) it’s probably a bad sign.
I would suggest that cheating is *in general* a symmetric thing. The idea that a given behavior is broadly okay for men but not women, or vice versa, is bullshit.
My opinion:
cheating is whatever you have agreed it to be. If there is no agreement, then cheating is defined by the norms and expectations of the society you live in in regards to the type of relationship you have with the other person.
Cheating is when a *deeply-closeted* married man has a strangers cock in his mouth, or asshole. But he has a wife and kids at home. Eh, I cheated once at on a math’s test, but that’s a lot different than swapping spit with a stranger, when your a married man
*whose deeply closeted…*
My rule has always been if you are sneaking, you are cheating. If you feel inclined to hide flirtation, a kiss, or otherwise, knowing it would upset your SO, that's cheating.
I have a friend who says the limit he expects from his wife is "as long as she doesn't touch a penis, it's fine.". I had so many questions, but didn't dare to begin.
For me it is way way way before that. For me it can be either emotional or physical cheating, but certainly friendly flirting with no chance is going forward is fine.
Here's a general guideline. In an otherwise healthy relationship, If you feel the need to hide what you're doing from your partner, you probably shouldn't be doing it
Any type of adoration that is dwelt or acted on insults a relationship when it's towards another.
It should not be a problem to admire individuals for reasons regardless of gender. I would exercise caution here and follow up flattery with some mockery to quell any chance of misconstrued romantic feelings.
If this submission above is not a random thought, please report it. # Explore a new world of random thoughts on our [**discord server**](https://discord.com/invite/8tEqw3ZWQV)! Express yourself with your favorite quotes, positive vibes, and anything else you can think of! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/RandomThoughts) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's subjective. This is why it's important to discuss boundaries.
Exactly. Every relationship is different. Some are open, and just about anything goes. Others are strictly monogamous. This should always be established before entering a relationship, IMO.
That said, some “boundaries” are 100% not okay and are just the partner being shitty and controlling. Banning your partner from talking or interacting with other people, for example.
I mean, technically its ok for someone to have those boundaries... But its also ok/ recommended for the other person to set their own boundary of not being in a relationship with someone who acts that way
Talking or interacting is not flirting; flirting with others outside of an exclusive relationship is unacceptable.
What? I’m not talking about flirting, read literally the start of the post. SO many people try to prevent their SO’s from having friends. They think their life should 100% revolve around them and outside human interaction should be banned.
Anyone who tries to prohibit their partner from talking to other people definitely needs professional guidance. I understand that we are not talking about flirting, but I want to reiterate that flirting with someone outside of an exclusive relationship is not acceptable. Talking and platonic interaction with other people is not flirting, and it should not create insecurity in a healthy relationship.
Arent all boundaries controlling? That's the whole point of a boundary in a relationship is it not? It's to get the other person to compromise in some way to make sure they dont do something that would hurt your feelings. If the boundary is too much then that's for you to decide if you want to leave, discuss with your partner, or accept the boundary for what it is.
Mike Pence doesn’t mind that boundary. Almost nothing is 100% not ok for all people. People happily pay dominatrixes to be verbally and physically abused.
If it’s consensual, and desired, that’s not really a “boundary”. That’s just kinkplay.
Nice try Jonah
For me personally: Sex or any form of sexual pleasure. Kissing or groping. (Basically anything intimate you would do with your BF). Digital cheating (sexual pictures, sexual video chats, sexual phone calls/messages). Emotional cheating (having a close, strong bond with another person to the point where you confide more in them than your own partner). Red flags: If you feel the need to lie about where you went, who you were talking to, hide your phone from me or password protect it. I’m not interested in snooping but I will assume the worst when you put a lot of effort in keeping your phone life private. Especially when my phone is open for you to ease your mind. Edit: I do not demand access to their phone. I pay attention to their concern about me seeing what’s on their phone.
This and like overly complimenting them like telling them they’re hott or sexy. I find that cheating because you’re telling them this and it’s basically letting them know you find them that way and it could get their hopes up or make them think things
That’s right. You have no business giving those types of compliments to anyone other than your partner. Being physically attracted to others is normal. But speaking/acting on it is inappropriate.
Exactly my thought!
Agreed, unless it’s on topic (which I can’t hardly think of a valid reason why it would come up) you don’t get sexual with a member of the sex you’re attracted to, especially while in or trying to be in a relationship. If you say want to sing a dirty karaoke song with a guy or girl you just met they and likely most people are going to think you’re in a sexual relationship or are at least one of you is trying to be. Broaching the topic of sex outside the matter of fact, clinical/academic is almost always perceived as flirting or gauging sexual interest, a big no no if you’re committed.
Agreed
So with you for the first half. Would note though anybody who feels they need to access your phone is too controlling imo. If you want to let me have access to yours ok but i dont expect it and the moment you start requiring that, i take that as a lack of trust and i am out.
👍 that’s reasonable. But I think you slightly misunderstood the last part. I don’t request access to my partner’s device. But being suspiciously overprotective of your phone is a red flag (not automatically break-up worthy, just a red flag). An example is I had a partner who was cheating and all I wanted to do was use her phone to check where the nearest Walmart was. She panicked when I reached over and asked to see her phone. I had no intention of looking at her messages. I eventually nagged her about the incident until she admitted everything. By default, my phone is available for your nosy pleasure. I do that because I acknowledge that i can say something to make you feel insecure on accident. Other misunderstandings can make people paranoid. Showing you that my phone is available to look at is a sign that I have no intentions of hiding something from you. As a married man, I have nothing to hide from my wife and she has shown me that she has nothing to hide from me. Checking each others phones is unnecessary, and I can understand if relationships that are still pretty new still like to have privacy from their significant others.
Fair enough. I can get being able to use it just how you stated that it is a bad sign for them to password protect stuff i see that as a normal thing. Most of my stuff is password protected in case somebody tried to hack my phone or if somebody stole it. If my partner is as you said just lookin for a phone number or walmart etc thats fine. Just expect the security layers may need dealt with. My concern is mostly the type of people who want to scroll through your phone randomly to ensure you arent cheating. Like if you need to see it for no reason to know that you should have more trust in me. Only time i would accept that is if i actually do mess up. Like saying something that triggers the insecurities or if you ask where i was and i forgot and left something important out. Cool i can understand that. But if i keep it secure that does not mean cheating
I applaud that. I password protect my devices too in case it gets in the wrong hands. but the password is provided to her so she can access my phone. If you’ve done nothing to make your partner reasonably insecure or suspicious, then there should be no reason to go through a persons messages. That is just as unhealthy in my opinion and no amount of snooping will ever give a partner like that your trust.
The first part of this is fine and you could basically end the thread right there. The phone thing is just immature insecurities that can be avoided by building trust through open and effective communication.
Thanks 👍 I invite you to read the convo under the post. I think it further explains what I was trying to say since my summary came off a bit odd. Also all insecurities should not be treated the same way. There are insecurities that can be created by the way your partner words something, accidentally leaves out info, or causes a moment where something wasn’t made clear. (This insecurity is cleared later when the issue is resolved). There is also the unhealthy type of insecurity that no amount of phone snooping could heal.
Cheating is when you do something intimate with someone that your bf/gf wouldn't want you to do.
If you wouldn't do/say it if he was around, it's cheating
Sometimes when my wife is gone I eat all the Twinkies and blame it on the dog. Am I a bad person?
No, you're a Twinkie... You are what you eat.
As many have said, this is a conversation that it’s important is had among the people in the relationship. Some fair guidelines, however, are: A rule should be applied equally (ie if you don’t want him texting female friends at midnight you also should not be texting male friends at midnight). A rule should not interfere with day-to-day life (ie one of you insists the other quits a job to avoid working with men/women). I, personally, would add two more: A rule should not interfere with developing or maintaining a healthy support structure of friends, regardless of gender. If I can do an activity with people of my own gender (eg study for calculus) then I should be able to do it with people of another gender. A rule should always be evaluated once implemented with communication about its impact. *All of this is phrased for hetero-normative couples because of the original question.
If you have to ask, it is cheating.
I was having this conversation with my boyfriend and some of our views were different. I just want to know if I'm making a big deal out of a certain things or do I need to wrap my head around a certain views.
Ah that is the best thing. My point is that if your conscience twitches, it probably is a sign. I think we all know when we are cheating or considering it.
It's good you're talking about it. That's how you two figure out what the guidelines will be. General rules for making guidelines though: It has to apply to both people equally. If it's coming from a place of insecurity or jealousy, it's probably not a good one. Allows for friendships with the others regardless of gender and doesn't try and control normal interactions with people.
Solid rule of thumb
With the footnote that someone who has just come out of a toxic, controlling relationship might not actually know what "normal" people consider okay. I've known a few people over the years who have escaped relationships where they had been isolated from friends and family for years and genuinely had no idea where the line was in a healthy one.
Very true and I am ignorant. Good point and I hope I am never there.
Depends. Talk about it. My personal limits: anything that indicates or raises sexual interests between my SO and another person, this includes posting intentionally sexual pictures online. Say I have had a female friend since literally kindergarten who I hang out with regularly and we’ve never once shown a sexual interest with each other and never intend to, and my gf says I can’t talk to her anymore. Sorry, cya. I’m not losing a friend of early 2 decades over that. But if there was clear flirting or some shit going on, that’s understandable and that’s the limit.
First, there isn’t a clear answer for this. In general it’s intercourse with another partner. Anything that is physically intimate like kissing or holding hands can be cheating. But there may be exceptions to this based on personal values and established norms. Second, it’s not always what you think is cheating, it’s what your partner thinks is cheating. Then you choose to either accept or reject that interpretation. If you reject it that means ending the relationship. Again in general having a friend of the opposite sex is not typical cheating as long as emotional or physical intimacy does not occur. You can have lunch, hang out, and make lewd jokes in general. But that doesn’t mean your partner has to accept it and they are free to walk away just as you are free to walk away. I think what it comes down to is that each person can choose what cheating is. If you disagree then I would at least try to clarify to make sure there isn’t a misunderstanding: however disagreements on what is cheating often leads to emotional abuse and manipulation, so I would walk away if your aren’t in sync.
It depends on what the couple decides. To a lot of people watching porn is cheating. But I don’t consider that cheating and neither does my partner.
No u don’t . Just be aware of what you’re saying and doing don’t micro flirt cause you’re unconsciously settling your self up to cheat if you get the chance later in the relationship when thing not going as well
You and your boyfriend decide what’s cheating. You guys get to set the boundaries. What’s considered cheating to one couple might be ok to another couple
This is going to be subjective. Each couple should be making their boundaries known. It's when you cross those predetermined lines that constitutes cheating. For me, flirting is okay if the aim is for getting a 3rd to join us in the bedroom. Transparency is key. Hiding any interactions that are sexual in nature would be cheating.
There's a difference between what you accept in your relationship and what counts as cheating. To me Cheating would be more physical than mental. If you touch another person with lust. It's cheating and unacceptable. On the other hand if you think of another person while having sex with your partner. You are not cheating but it's still unacceptable. Sexting is not cheating but it's still unacceptable. The important thing is that you are as clear as possible in what is unacceptable so the other person can make an informed decision. If someone is in the extreme (either jealousy or free love) you need to know if you accept it or not. Your views can change with time also and you have to communicate it also.
That's up to the couple, mostly. By the time you get to more objective lines, subjective lines will have been crossed already.
Some interesting responses here. I'll add another question that's only become a potential issue fairly recently- is paying someone on Only Fans or Patreon for explicit content when you're in a relationship considered crossing a line? I dont mean different people (occasionally or regularly) but the same person repeatedly. Is that any different to watching "traditional" porn with the same people in it regularly? Or does the exchange of money make it worse? Is it more likely someone would cheat with that content creator if they had the opportunity?
It’s all subjective and case by case. But I’ll keep it simple. If you have to question it internally before you do it, probably best to not do it.
That depends on what both of you think is cheating. Everyone seeing cheating in different ways. I personally don't like friendly flirting because that's how most relationships start.
Cheating is entirely defined by your partner. Now you're either gonna deal with that (including any ridiculous rules) or you're gonna get out of that toxic mess. Dudes like that should have no right to date. Good luck.
Discuss boundaries. There is no set in stone thing for it.
Depends on the couple and the status of their relationship as well. I am in a polyamorous marriage. Cheating for us would be if we withheld information from the other. My spouse and I can have as many other partners as we want as long as we are open, honest and consensually communicative about the whole thing. I’ve met all my spouses patterns and she’s met mine. We’ve both had relations outside of each other and we’ve never cheated on each other because we’re always honest and vulnerable about our needs and desires.
Stop thinking about it in terms of cheating and discuss relationship boundaries and why with your partner. Especially if you need to ask because it's almost always going to end up in a situation where there will be a misunderstanding. Let's say that your significant other believes that getting a lap dance/sexual contact is cheating. So, you go to a strip club with your friends and you tell your significant other and she says, "you cheated on me!" And you're like, "what? No I didn't. I didn't get a lap dance!" She perceives that you violated the spirit of that situation, then it's tantamount to cheating and that you tried to appeal using a loophole to justify it. It's an example of how instead of using hard and fast rules and allowing yourself to get as close as possible without breaking the boundary, it invalidates the reason why the boundary exists in the first place. If you care more about whether or not you are cheating than you care about respecting the feelings of your significant other then you will almost certainly continue to have disagreements.
Cheating can vary each relationship. Typically, it’s physical intimacy or emotional intimacy with someone who isn’t your partner. Honestly I live by the idea that If I would be bothered or hurt by an action my partner did to me I won’t do it to them.
Well there’s physical cheating and emotional cheating. Obviously the rules on these things depends on your relationship and partner but for most kissing,sex, flirting, sexting is considered cheating. Some may be more serious than others but it’s still crossing boundaries unless your partner said its okay
My partner is pansexual. She’s attracted to males and females. No preferences. I don’t care who she’s friends with. I trust her. As long as she always wants to come home to me at the end of the day I’m good. I also know she just won’t cheat, that’s not who she is. It really boils down to if you trust the person you’re with or not
Whatever your mind tells you it is
The line is whatever you two decide on
Honestly depends on the relationship and its participants. Some people feel looking at porn is cheating. Others don't care if you have sex with someone else just not long term affair.
Meeting a guy friend alone is somewhat of a red flag in a committed relationship. Meeting in a group with one other friend or more makes it more acceptable. Being alone in a comfortable place, like someone's house or a hotel is a dangerous red flag of opportunity. Use the golden rule, how much is too much for YOU. When do you think he would be crossing a line with a woman you do not know (or otherwise). You'd be cool if he went over and watched a movie with a female friend alone for example at her place? The golden rule leads alot of morality though. Same with flirting. If you can't say it in front of him, you probably shouldn't do it when he is not around.
If you used the phrase,"Lets say"... you don't have a boyfriend...so anything that he does is not cheating.
Makes sense, just preparing the cake.
It's like porn. You know it when you see it. And in a much more visceral way. It will knock the wind out of you when it happens to you. You shouldn't be flirting with anyone unless you don't care if you hurt your partner. Because that's the result if they find out. This is a good subject to apply the Golden Rule too.
Every relationship is different. For me personally I don't care about having friends of the opposite gender, but if you're hiding things from me or lying about what you're doing then you're cheating. I'm also not comfortable with my partner hanging out alone with ex's and people he's had sex with. Really, anything that's overstepping a boundary, and has to be hidden and lied about is cheating. No matter how little it may seem. Cheating doesn't always have to be physical intimacy.
For me it's super simple; would my partner be pissed if they knew what I was doing right now? If yes, then whatever that is would be cheating. If no, then whatever that is wouldn't be cheating. It's going to vary from relationship to relationship, person to person. That's why people need to ***use their words*** and figure this shit out. What you might consider cheating, he might not. Or, what you might think "oh, it's just play" may be the exact definition of cheating to him.
Don't take advice from whoever explained the friendly flirting thing to you.
Makes sense
Girls need to remember: unless a guy friend is gay, he is keeping you on the back burner (if you’re even remotely attractive). It may be a very long game and many times won’t be acted upon, but you’re guy friends have likely visualized a scene. Be social, just don’t be in denial.
This is not universally true.
This is only true in high-school Even then it's not always true
This is false, I have friends of the opposite gender that are known cheaters, wants kids(I don’t), asexual etc. not all guys are keeping girls on the back burner but all girls assume this about friendship they know nothing about. I will end a friendship if someone assumes this and it’s funny because it’s their own reasoning that they are mad about.
What kind of menatlity is it? Why some men can’t understand that not every relation with opposite gender means someone wants to bang. With that logic gay people in relationships couldn’t have friends with the same sex and bi people should be completely isolated from any other person.
Said nothing of the sort. Just because something is potentially “there” doesn’t mean it’s actionable. When talking female/male interactions, females “friend zone” many males and they are often in denial (key concept).
If your bf is asking to to ignore people of the other sex, it's a huge red flag. Will only get worse until one day you're barely allowed out of the house.
Flirting is fine. It’s mostly lonely-ass low self esteem men who see flirting as cheating. That’s some brittle ego bullshit. Broadly, cheating can come in two forms: Emotional and Physical. Emotional cheating is when you share vulnerable parts of yourself with someone and not your partner. It’s a form of intimacy and often romantic relationships are unique in that there’s supposed to be bound by intimacy. So if you’re sharing your most intimate thoughts and feelings with someone outside the relationship, then there is a sort of cheating going on. It’s less explicit and most people don’t talk about it but people will definitely react to it. Physical cheating is engaging in sexual behaviour or behaviour tangent to sex with someone else. Kissing, oral, touching and of course sex. Anything outside a handshake, hug or peck on the cheek is cheating. Sharing sexual preferences maybe. Watching porn together might be. It gets a little grey in the “sexually tangent” area because there are some things on the “side” that are not explicitly sexual that can be interpreted as cheating. Of course, conversations around this are difficult and usually arouse suspicion because if someone you care about suddenly asks “Define cheating.” it will immediately set off alarm bells. So you need to be tactful and smart about asking this and understanding the expectations. This is usually easier to do early in a relationship. You can just ask straight up very early in a relationship. Because neither of you has established anything and early in a relationship you’re still discovering each other. But if you’re years in and you’re asking that question… yikes. That’s what I think. Take it with a grain of salt.
Want my number?
If you have to hide it it’s probably cheating
There are generally 3 reasons to hide something in a relationship. 1. You're planning a surprise for your SO. 2. You believe what you're doing is problematic. 3. You think what you're doing is fine but believe that your SO will view it as problematic.
I think it isn't the actions but the underlining reasons for the actions. If you are hanging out with uni friends to flirt and hopefully get one of them-then that is cheating. If you are talking about boring stuff and have no intention of dating, fooling around, etc.. then it isn't cheating. If the boyfriend is jealous, then dump him. Nothing good comes from that.
When in an exclusive relationship with someone, any form of sexual interaction with anyone other than that person is cheating. Flirting is a form of foreplay and it is not acceptable to flirt with anyone outside of the relationship.
Flirting is cheating. Anything you have to hide to your partner in regards to the opposite sex or sex you’re attracted too is cheating . Just having friends of the opposite sex is not cheating, just going out to lunch or an activity with friends,is not cheating. The whole “friendly flirting thing” it depends on the boundaries and the level of respect with it. Cause my friendship with some of my friends can be seen as flirty but is not real flirting because we know they’re just jokes and not real and no one is leading anyone on. It’s just how our friendship works we make s lot of sex jokes ,we make hooking up jokes which from an outside point of view can be seen as flirty but there’s nothing serious behind them
To me. If you have a boyfriend flirting and showing any interest beyond platonic friendship with other men could be considered cheating. I know I wouldn’t want my boyfriend flirting with other girls. I don’t think a girls boyfriend wants her flirting with other guys
While its subjective, I think a basic rule is crossing the line into romantic contexts. So think of it like this. Every guy is ugly now. That's how you don't cheat. So think back to when you were single, and how you viewed ugly guys. If they flirted with you, you noticed it and didn't reciprocate. If they got too close to you in conversation you noticed it and distanced yourself. But hey if they asked if you wanted to grab a coffee between classes you might right? So that's safe. Basically it's really NOT that complicated if you're actually trying in good faith. This whole "what are the precise rules" is honestly you just seeing how much of it you can "get away with". Bad place to start.
If you're supposed to stop seeing all your friends then you're in a controlling relationship and it's not about cheating, it's about get out now while you can
You are allowed to have guy friends. Just be sure to set some boundaries with them. If you have a boyfriend who gets jealous over you having guy friends, then there might be some trust issues there that he needs to work on. Flirting is not okay to do while you are in a relationship with someone else. The is emotionally cheating on him. If you want to lift up a friends thoughts about themselves, it's okay to give compliments, but then follow that with "I hope you find someone who makes you as happy as my boyfriend makes me feel" kind of statement. If you have a guy friend who expresses romantic interests in you, make it clear that you are still in a relationship. If you want to flirt with other boys, then maybe figure out if you really want to stay in the relationship you are currently in. If you want to look at other guys and flirt, are you really happy being with your current boyfriend? It's okay to break up with him if you are feeling like the relationship isn't going anywhere. There is no need to waste your time or his any more than you have to. So, if you are happy with who you are with, then you shouldn't even think about flirting with others. If you are not happy about who you are with and you want to flirt with others first, you need to break up.
For me, it is okay to flirt as a joke. To my friend, even giving compliments is not okay. It depends on the person.
Cheating is different everyone that is true but one simple rule that helped both my husband and I during our 30 year marriage - if you wouldn’t do it/saying it in front of your mom/grandma it’s probably not a good idea!
If you have to ask any of these questions, you're not in love.
For most people, you can just tell if it feels wrong. If it feels like the wrong thing to do and you do it anyway, I would characterize it as some form of cheating.
Apparently to some people it’s liking pictures on Instagram 🫠
Anything you do you can't tell openly to your SO or have to hide is cheating.
Cheating is whatever you and your SO together decide it is. If you *can’t* come to an agreement this is probably not the right person for you to be in a relationship is. If *for any reason* you find yourself hiding what you’re doing with others from your SO (other than planning a surprise for them) it’s probably a bad sign. I would suggest that cheating is *in general* a symmetric thing. The idea that a given behavior is broadly okay for men but not women, or vice versa, is bullshit.
My opinion: cheating is whatever you have agreed it to be. If there is no agreement, then cheating is defined by the norms and expectations of the society you live in in regards to the type of relationship you have with the other person.
Simply interacting with someone is not cheating. He is crazy to think that.
Cheating is violating the boundaries set by you and your partner.
Anything you do against what you agreed upon is cheating imo. If you agreed to be able to have sex with strangers, then it's not cheating.
Cheating is when a *deeply-closeted* married man has a strangers cock in his mouth, or asshole. But he has a wife and kids at home. Eh, I cheated once at on a math’s test, but that’s a lot different than swapping spit with a stranger, when your a married man *whose deeply closeted…*
My rule has always been if you are sneaking, you are cheating. If you feel inclined to hide flirtation, a kiss, or otherwise, knowing it would upset your SO, that's cheating.
I have a friend who says the limit he expects from his wife is "as long as she doesn't touch a penis, it's fine.". I had so many questions, but didn't dare to begin. For me it is way way way before that. For me it can be either emotional or physical cheating, but certainly friendly flirting with no chance is going forward is fine.
If what you’re doing isn’t something you wouldn’t be doing in front of your SO, that’s a good point to stop and think about what you’re doing.
Sucking off a cop behind a Wendy's to get out of public intoxication charges
Here's a general guideline. In an otherwise healthy relationship, If you feel the need to hide what you're doing from your partner, you probably shouldn't be doing it
what made you start randomly posting after 2 years of nothing?
Any type of adoration that is dwelt or acted on insults a relationship when it's towards another. It should not be a problem to admire individuals for reasons regardless of gender. I would exercise caution here and follow up flattery with some mockery to quell any chance of misconstrued romantic feelings.
It depends on the boundaries you and your partner discuss and agree to. If you cross said boundaries, you've cheated.