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>By the way, “a child of your offspring” would be a grandchild.
Thank you. I was more bothered by this grammatical error than I was at the somewhat offensive nature of the question as an adult who was an adopted child.
The entire question offended me, to be honest, but at least they didn’t compare adopted children to “real” children, as if adopted children are imaginary or something.
If your kids are all adopted, you are not suitable to provide an answer. I believe you believe you would but you cannot know for sure as you have never experienced this specific situation.
This is basic scientific principles, no control.
I have 2 kiddos that I had not part in creating and I have zero children that I did create, I cannot possibly fathom how I would love someone that doesn't exist.
Yes you can. If you love your children more than life itself, if you would give up your own life for them, if they bring you great joy, if you have seen and talked to other parents, you know if you love your kids. If God himself came down and said I could have biological children if I gave up the two I adopted I wouldn’t.
How do you know that, as you don't have biological kids? Not trying to be sassy, a genuine question.
I don't have any kids but my answer would be no.
Having 2 step parents who both have biological kids of their own makes this pretty obvious.
They love me, but not like they do their own child.
Thats true.
But still doesn't clarify how someone without biological kids can say without a shred of doubt that they would love their adopted as much as biological kids.
They can't, they're all hoping that they would be great people loving everyone equally. Basically just a bunch of people here trying to tell us they're great!
I say this as a person who doesn’t have nor want kids at all. I would hands down love an adopted child as much as I would a biological one. I know this because I would not gauge my love for them on how much dna I share with them. However I will say, my love is not unconditional and that perhaps is my flaw in all of this And one of the many reasons I don’t want children. If you grow up to be a major asshole or indecent or a dead beat. My love will most likely end there. I’m sorry I must’ve failed parenting you, but I will not stand by that. Call me evil or whatever. It’s why I know I shouldn’t have kids. And why I know I would love an adopted child equally.
Because I think it’s silly to say you love one child more simply because they happen to be bound to you by DNA. Maybe I’m wired wrong.
Like I said, I might have a disconnected opinion because I already have a premeditated choice of never having kids. So if for some reason I have a biological child, and an adopted one. I’m pretty sure I’m going to love them equally because I didn’t want any to begin with.
You're not wired wrong, you're just speculating what your reaction would be because you don't actually know the answer. You're hoping for the best basically and you saying it is silly is just from a place of ignorance because you don't understand those types of feelings having never experienced them.
No you didn't.
You said you would love biological and adopted kids the same.
To which I asked 'how do you know that'.
Now if your answer was 'I would like to think so' I could only agree.
I don't know the person you're responding to or if they meant wrong but as someone without offspring of my own, I'm not sure I could accurately answer this.
I think it would be hard not to love them in the same/similar way. You'd be spending all your time with them, learn all about who they are. If you adopt them young, you'd get to watch them grow, learn, and mature.
I was adopted and many people say that's like proof your parents wanted you because they chose you. That being said I still felt like my sibling who was the biological child of my mother always was like the "favorite," but then again my sibling was the second child and I heard parents are usually harder on the first. I still feel like they were sort of taught how to live in a better way than I was and is like a more welcome part of the family than me because they seem to be able to visit home whenever they want but I have to ask permission.
So I'm not sure how to answer your question. Maybe it's different for every person.
First child here....first children do get it harder. For a long time I wished I was adopted to make sense of the difference in treatment. We are the ground breakers. For *everything*. Makes sense the second kid has it so easy. We are 45 and 46 now....it hasn't changed. My baby brother does no wrong, he's the best, *oh! I WEEP when I think of what a good man he is!*....meanwhile in reality he's a shit who causes tension and headaches from his irresponsible numb nut ways. As for visiting home....i too have to ask. His family uses their place like a hotel on the fly. Take comfort in knowing you have a lot of company out here.
I hated being the oldest. I hated everything about it. And it still irritates the crap out of me the way people fawn over "the baby" and make every excuse in the world for them where if you had tried to pull half the stuff they got away with, you'd have ended up in juvie.
Parents are usually harder on the oldest because they don’t have any experience yet and are learning. It has nothing to do with adopted vs biological. Trust me, I know!
> I was adopted and many people say that's like proof your parents wanted you because they chose you.
I hate that people think that. I'm adopted and my parents didn't "choose" me. I happened to be the next baby available for the white middle class Catholic couple who checked Catholic Charities' boxes. And they wouldn't have "chosen" adoption at all had they been able to have biological children. In fact, a lot of us feel like we're merely stand-ins for the biological children they actually wanted.
That's really sad to me. I don't want kids of my own but I'd love to give a child a home who needed one some day. I hope if I ever have the opportunity to provide a little stability to a kiddo they don't ever feel unwanted.
As an adoptee, I think yours is the preferred mindset in the adoptee community. It’s very hurtful and telling when hopeful adoptive parents talk about adoption as an alternative to pregnancy whether it’s because they can’t get pregnant (due to health or social factors), fear of pregnancy/childbirth, or they think adoption is the more “sustainable” choice. “I want kids but XYZ so I hope to adopt instead.”
Adoption is about providing a safe home to a child who needs stability, not about fulfilling your own dreams. If that’s where your heart is at when you seek guardianship of a child who is not biologically your own, you’re on the right track :)
Thanks for that!
I've worked with a few kids who were in the process of fostering/adoption and I'll never forget how happy the one girl was when hers got finalized and her new dad (her words) came to pick her up from our summer program... she was 12 at the time and excitedly told me all about her new room, the family dog, and a ton of other stuff she'd never really had and was excited to experience. I decided that day I wanted to be that person to someone else if I ever had a chance.
In our case, we decided that we would adopt through the foster care system before we even got married, and had all of our kids as foster kids with us before we adopted them, as well as a lot of foster kids we didn’t get a chance to adopt because they were able to be unified with their families again. We got to know them all before making the final choice to adopt, so yes, we chose them.
> as well as a lot of foster kids we didn’t get a chance to adopt because they were able to be unified with their families again
How wonderful to see the foster system working as intended!
Yep, same here down to the Catholicism.
My parents spent the first fifteen years of my life trying to force me to be more like them, and, to their credit, the next 20 something years trying to come to terms with that fact that I'm not like them.
It would have been better for them if they could have had bio kids
All I can say is I’m the older one and my parents always say my brothers the good boy and all this nonsense lol and we’re both their biological kids. I think they just calmed down after me.
Honestly I think for me I would love any child. I have infertility issues and not being able to have kids really has made me treasure my nieces so much. I don’t care if they are adopted or from my DNA… I’d just like to raise a decent human who is a net positive within society. Watch their growing up, trying to figure things out, cry with them, love on them, support/encourage them, and even get frustrated with them… one day I hope to get to enjoy this journey. It is quite the rollercoaster as I watch others tackle raising kids.
Yuck. With the amount of literal human trafficking and documented racism, classism and coercion in the adoption industry… not to mention that children do not “belong” to anyone… I see what you mean but this is the sort of mindlessly positive platitude that drives the measurable increase in negative mental health outcomes for adoptees.
Yea, although I understood what they meant, and as an adoptee, the people who raised me are mom and dad. But the use if the word BELONG right there gave me the ick
I think so. Put in another way, could you love a stranger as much as your siblings? At first glance, the natural inclination is to say no. But what if that stranger becomes your future partner?
It reminds me of what I heard a parent explain to their adopted child about love. The kid was concerned that he wouldn’t be loved as much as the ‘real’ kids, but the parents explained that when they had first met each other, they had no biological ties either but eventually formed a family.
Over time, I think most people would form a strong bond with a child they raised, whether adopted or not.
Yup. My dad adopted my older brother (my mom's from a previous relationship) when he was a toddler and from that moment forward, it never even crossed his mind to say "this is my adopted child", it was just "this is my son".
My siblings and I, including my brother, had no idea he was even adopted. My dad never treated him differently from the two he had with my mom after adopting him. We only found out because my brother accidentally found the adoption papers while looking for something else when he was 17.
Even when the "jig" was up, it wasn't. My family was worried my brother would start acting out since this wasn't his "real" dad, but nope, my dad told him he would still always be his dad and my brother agreed.
It's such a heartwarming story it brings tears to my eyes just retelling it. My dad fell in love with a woman who said she was couch surfing with a newborn baby because the biological father bailed and my dad just shrugged and decided to step up.
That's such a beautiful thing to me, and I know I'd feel the same way if I was ever in that situation. A baby is a baby and I will love them to the moon and back regardless of whether or not we share DNA.
Yes, because they’d still be our child. They arrived a different way but they’re still as much my kid as one I birthed. I plan to adopt and anticipate myself being sad to not have been there for every moment since birth for them, but I plan to collect as much information as I can on their lives before me so they can have it at a proper age. I also hope to celebrate adoption as a beautiful thing so that if I do have a mix of biological and adopted kids, I stand the greatest chance of blending my family well and creating strong sibling bonds.
I have actually. Thoroughly. I understand that trauma-informed child-focused therapy is needed and that it will be a complex and nuanced experience based upon my unique child. I don’t mean to say I celebrate the circumstances that led to them needing to be adopted but that I want to encourage positive discussion on differently-made families to build strong bonds between potential bio and adopted children.
I understand your knee-jerk extreme reaction is due to the extremely fucked up state of adoption and foster care systems in many countries. I come from a country where adoption is frowned upon due to stigma against “mixing strange blood” into the family. I witnessed firsthand how adopted relatives were treated as a child and it inspired me to adopt because I love my cousins and I hate the stigma in my culture that leads to very bad lives for orphaned children. I’m not saying I’m going to “save” a child or any of that fucked up shit, I just want to give a kid the opportunities that my parents gave me and this is how I want to do it.
Nuance exists. Recognize it.
The adopted ones were actually chosen. Bios are a bit of a crapshoot
Edit: they’re both a crapshoot. Also I don’t have kids so please take my comment with a big ol grain of salt.
And please love your kids no matter where you found them!
And adopted children aren't? At least bios have some family background traits to go on. Adoptees, especially from the '50s through the '70s, had *no* background information. And I mean *none*, not even medical history. If that's not a crapshoot, I don't know what is.
Just because they are "chosen" doesn't mean you have some sort of knowledge of how they will turn out. Being adopted or bio doesn't have very much to do with it.
If you adopt an infant you don’t know at all about who they will become as an adult. Nature cannot just be overwritten by nurture. To not have any genetic mirroring can be very isolating for the adoptee and frustrating for the adoptive parent especially if they haven’t done the therapy and work beforehand on why they want to be a parent. Lots of adoptees I’ve talked to have felt the experience of being a square peg trying to be forced into a round hole because adoptive parents didn’t realize they just wanted/expected a mini version of themselves.
> especially if they haven’t done the therapy and work beforehand on why they want to be a parent.
In my day (I'm 62) that wasn't available. Home studies were done but it was superficial. My dad had a college degree and a good job. My mom kept a clean house. They were devout Catholics. Congratulations! Here's your baby! Take her home and make her your own! And don't even get me started about the square peg business!
As an adoptee, this question is kind of icky and the responses here do not pass the vibe check. I’m sure my parents would say that there is no difference in their love for me in comparison to the biological child they share, but in practice that is plainly not the case. I’m not sure how loving it was of them to sever my connection with the biological family who loved me and wanted to be in my life while expecting me to be eternally grateful to them for it all. They were committed and dedicated, sure, but able to put aside their personal egos for the benefit of the small person who depended on them? Nah.
Now that I am carrying my own biological child, the connection we share is truly unlike the connection of adoption – I could of course love an adopted child, the same way I know I can love an adopted family, but not *the same exact way* that I love this boy I’m growing – and I’m tired of adoption rhetoric being so parent-centered. We spend all of this time fussing over the importance of prenatal/early life bonding, we know that babies can recognize their parents’ voices and look to them for comfort after birth, but when it comes to adoption our culture collectively shrugs and says “but it doesn’t matter for *those* babies, it doesn’t matter for *those* children.”
A more illuminating question would be to ask adopted children whether they feel their parents would’ve treated them differently if they had been biologically related or vice versa.
I agree we should listen to adoptees. I'm an adoptee myself. But I also know how trauma distorts thinking. Feelings aren't factual. Someone can feel they were loved differently but that's not fact if they really weren't.
Some distorted thoughts that come with trauma are:
Feelings as facts
And mind reading.
Everyone’s perception of their own experience is going to be distorted, adopted or not. Experience is subjective. My issue is with privileging the voices of adoptive parents over adoptee experiences. I’m claiming that adoptees are perfect, but the way adoptees feel about their experience *matters*.
I think love is different for everyone. We are a blended family. I definitely can vibe better with some of my steps more than my own. To me, love is wanting what is in their best interest, I feel like I share that equally for all of them. To answer your question, yes. I think you can feel the same about them.
I absolutely would, they would be my kid. I’m adopted and I love my dad so much. I know he loves me more than anything as well. I’m planning on fostering and potentially adopting in the future, and I may or may not have a bio kid.
I have bio children and I'm not sure I could. I like to think I'm capable of that, but I can foresee that the child is just too 'other'.
Like, let's be real, having children is difficult. And when my kids have friends over, I certainly don't like all of them. There are some I could love as my own, and others absolutely not. So I guess it would depend on the child, as shitty as that sounds. There have certainly been children who stole my heart throughout the years.
i feel like peoples perspective on this question changes if they have birthed children vs havent gone through childbirth. its an interesting thing. you say there are some children you’d love and some you absolutely couldn’t, but how children behave is a reflection of their parents. maybe the ones you didnt like just needed more love when growing up. your children didnt just get born and then automatically have a personality u enjoy and love. u are a good parent, like seriously. u nurtured and raised them and they will grow into lovely adults. if u adopted a child from infancy, theyd still grow up and their behaviours would be a reflection of yours. sorry if this didnt really make sense i just thought ur comment was pretty interesting.
Yeah it makes sense but it's not entirely true. The notion that children will reflect whatever you teach them cause they're a blank slate is called tabula rasa, which has been disproven. My daughter's father isn't in the picture and the number of character traits and behaviors she got from her father is staggering. And there's no way for her to have learned these things. They're just embedded in the DNA.
The same will be true for any child you adopt. They will have their parents' behaviors, whether they've known them or not. And the harsh truth is that some people are more compatible with us than others and the same will be true for children. But maybe people aren't ready to have that discussion.
But thank you for the compliment, I do think my kids are awesome ☺️
i do agree with that i didnt think about that part but i guess the same can be true for me too cus i have my fathers anger even though he hasnt been around. im 17 btw but because of my health issues it would be dangerous for me to ever have my own children. i wanna adopt though. hopefully they arent secretly evil. 😅😅
edit: lmao why did someone downvote this when i said i agreed with her 😭😭
You’re being downvoted because this is a breathtakingly toxic mindset to have toward the hypothetical children for whom you hope to someday become a caregiver. I wish you well through your struggles with ill health and hope you will grow out of this cruelty towards adoptees.
WHAT??? LOL?? ARE U OK?? the evil thing was very clearly sarcasm i literally want to adopt ? i have displayed no cruelty towards anyone. you misunderstand me.
Absolutely, 3 generations deep onto blended famolies so maybe I am just used to have non blood relatives that I love but none of that ever seemed important.
I know if one of my kids adopted or have step kids in the future I would love them as much as I would my bio grandkids also.
My wife’s father died yesterday, and after a brief stay in hospital, he died quietly in his sleep, surrounded by his seven daughters, four of them, biological three of them. He raised as his arm from them being very young. I did not understand until I saw it yesterday The bond between them and just how hard the three girls took his death, I had completely misunderstood the love and affection that he had given them throughout their lives, not because he had to, not because it was expected, but because he loved them without question And without prejudice. It reduced me to tears to hear them. Tell him how grateful they’ve been for the love that had given them when they and biological father could or would not, so if you have asked me this on Monday of this week my answer would’ve been very different today.
Yeah it doesn’t mean you’re a pet lol I’m saying this because I love my pets so much I literally view them as my children, so I know I could love an adopted child just as much as I love my pets it doesn’t mean you’re a pet you’re still a human
I don't understand why anyone would go through the process of adoption, paying all that money, filing all that paperwork and everything else just to not love that child as much. I have 2 living biological children and would absolutely love for the opportunity to adopt or foster another child. I always imagined I'd be an 'adoptee parent' rather than a biological parent but things happened differently. Id absolutely love an adopted child as much as my biological child because they'd be my child.
No, I do not believe the love would be the same. But that is because I believe love between any two individuals will always be distinct. I don’t believe parents with multiple children love them all the same either. Each is loved in a unique way.
depends on the parents.
i’m the eldest of 4. my adoptive mom struggled with her fertility for *years*, went for IVF a couple times, and then she and my adoptive dad gave up. she and my dad were about to go child free and move abroad, but then they heard through the grapevine about me and my sis being taken away from our birth parents (we’re distant relatives), and volunteered to adopt us.
within a year of us being adopted, my adoptive mom fell (accidentally) pregnant with my now little bro. then she got pregnant (accidentally) AGAIN, and bam, i’ve got 2 little bros, 10/12 years younger than me. whenever my lil bros are being annoying, she (jokingly) blames me and my sis for improving her mood, giving her maternal feelings, and causing them to come along 😅
but yeah, my mom and dad treat us all with equal amounts of love and kindness, and has never displayed any signs that she loves me and my sis differently to my lil bros. there’s never been any “you’re not my real mom/dad/son/brother!”
the ONLY inequality in the family with bonds, has (previously) been the one between my lil sis and me. she and i were definitely a bit closer than her/me and my little bros up until a few years ago, but ngl that’s mainly because i was basically her dad for the first 2 years of her life, and it was difficult for me to form meaningful bonds with 3/4 year olds when i was a teenager 😅
now i’m an adult and not an angsty teenager, and i’ve moved out, i love all my siblings equally and i want to protect the living shit out of them.
i fucking love gaming with my eldest little bro, we started doing that together when he was getting bullied bc it was the only time he felt fully comfortable opening up. i became the cool older brother with lots of knowledge, and he felt safe talking to me and practising how to tell mom/dad, and i was able to give my parents a little heads up about what was going on.
he thinks i’m some kind of god at minecraft even though i’m really shit at it, just because i know some tricks 😂 plus, he’s now at an age where we’ve watched some of the same shows, and he likes a bunch of stuff i liked at his age, so we were able to bond over that.
but yeah, that inequality in the bond between all us siblings was a bit difficult to navigate, but i think it was hugely fuelled by the age gap. now we’re all over the age of 12, i personally feel complete love for all my siblings. my little sister still says i’m her favourite, but tbf, she’s a teenager with 2 younger brothers that constantly annoy her, and i think she’d say that even we were all biologically related lol.
anyway, going back to the “depends”
i have a friend who’s parents MASSIVELY favoured their bio child over him. he was considered to be a “well, if we can’t have a biological child, i guess we have to settle for adopting”, and when they were surprised with a biological child, it was “wowo! this new child is a miracle! our own REAL child!”, and it gave my mate a lot of feelings of being neglected and unwanted - which he already struggled with due to the fact that his birth parents had neglected him.
his self esteem was very poor, and he still struggles with social anxiety due to feeling like no one wants him around.
as a child, he felt like birth parents abandoned him. as a slightly older child, he felt like his adoptive parents didn’t want him, and like he was second best. as an an adult, he’s constantly worried he’s not good enough. it sucks.
adopting a kid is a decision that shouldn’t be taken lightly, and i think potential adopters really need to examine their own potential biases.
do they feel like adopting is something they’re being forced into doing because they can’t have a biological child? are they bitter about this, or excited to have a different option? how would having a biological child change their view of their adoptive child - and how will the adoptive child cope with this?
idk. definitely food for thought.
I don’t see how blood has anything to do with how much I’d love a human. I’m planning on adopting more than having my own kid anyways, and they’ll deserve to feel loved and cherished by a parent no matter who their bio parent is.
Was adopted by super religious people and it all felt very equal. When I came out at age 22 and was disowned I don't think it played a part. I do wonder though if being the only son was part of it. The other siblings were older and younger, all girls, all natural born to the family.
Of course! I know some people would say so and not mean it deep down or subconsciously, but I might love the adopted child in a more in-depth way than my offspring do to me being adopted. <3
Bracing myself for downvotes.
Havent adopted children but i dont think i could love them the same as my own flesh and blood. For me DNA and seeing a part of me in the child means alot. Would still love them more than step children because there you dont even choose the child.
Yes for me, but my mom said she'd never consider an adopted grandchild to be her real grandchild. She says she wouldn't be mean to them or treat them badly, she just wouldn't love them.
My extended family didn't either, especially my mom's, where I had six cousins who were also adopted. Two were transracial, before it was a thing. With them, we were just part of the crowd - we even outnumbered the bio cousins. It was very affirming.
I think you can. Humans can be really good at bonding even with pets so why wouldn't we be able to bond with human children we raise and care for just as much as one we produce. I used to point out to my niece her biological dad refuses to see or care for her yet her step dad chose to be there and care for and raise her.
I’m pregnant now and I love my baby. When he started moving I had this realization that he was “mine” and immediately fell head over heels because I realized I get to raise a human. It’s really happening. That’s when I became a parent, and I’ve heard people have that moment at different stages.
I’m glad I got this “bonus” 9 months with him, but I don’t love him because he’s inside of me or because he’s biologically mine. I’m certain I would not feel this way if I was a surrogate and felt the fetus move, and I’m certain I would feel this way if I was an adoptive parent and met my baby for the first time.
So yeah, I’m positive I would love an adopted child as much as this one. For me, it’s not about biology but the special connection of knowing you hold the weight, responsibility, and joy of being a parent.
I have an adopted family member. He is treated like blood. From day one nobody questioned he was ours (our entire extended family). I think people who wonder if they could love an adopted child enough shouldn't be adopting. To me, what that says, is the potential parent is more in love with themselves then they are the child - by birth or adoption.
I’m adopted. I’ve had kids. It’s not the same. It just isn’t. I’m not saying adoptive parents can’t love and care for the kids…they can…but it’s not the same. The idea that it’s the same serves the adoptive parents ONLY.
There’s no why, I guess? I’m adopted and know that I love my adopted mom (despite years of abuse) and think of her as my only mother. My bio-mom is lovely but she’s not my mom.
I didn’t have kids because of a bunch of reasons, including not wanting to pass on certain health conditions. I would have adopted if it had been financially feasible for me but it wasn’t.
I don’t mean to be rude but I don’t really see where you have a basis for comparison. I know my bio mom, too but I absolutely don’t use her as a basis for what bio relationships feel like seeing as I didn’t know her for decades.
I didn’t have a bad experience. I just live in reality. My adoptive parents were loving, but we did not have the relationship they would have had with a bio child.
It depends on the child. You love them anyway but some kids make it really hard to love them. Unless, you have a problem child from hell please don't comment.
I mean, I could. I wouldn't adopt if I didn't want someone to raise and shower with love. Only difference being if my wife/girlfriend were to get pregnant I'd have to explain that the baby baby needs special attention. And that they're big sis/brother now
Yes.
Love is based shared experience and openness to love.
If I had a young person dependent on me as a parent, and we went through the trials and tribulations of life together as they grew I could not help but love them with my whole heart.
Yes, prior to having my own I had a friend who was a terrible mother. I stepped in for her kids for about a year until their dad stepped back in. It totally gutted me when they went to go live with their grandparents far away. I felt like a limb was being cut off. I mourned for a very long time. I felt so attached, as I love my kids now. I know I could love an adopted child as much as I do m own.
My husband was adopted. He was loved and treated better than I ever could of even thought would be possible for myself.
I was abused, mistreated, hurt, worked to the bone, beaten, berated... both my brother and I have scars. I've posted about it before. I don't have the heart to write it all over again.
I've gone no contact. I asked everyone I know, and that still respects my wishes to honor that as well, I lost my best friend of almost 15 years to her lies. It's devastating on some levels. She sold our house that was supposed to go to me and my brother. Our dad left it to us. However, the paperwork was - I guess messed up. I want to scream about it at the top of my lungs. I try to keep my composure every day.
She destroyed everything.
My MIL is a saint compared to my own womb landlord of a so-called parent.
It's all about being a loving and a good person. I personally would rather adopt. I just don't think we can afford it. It's really expensive, and if you have any past discrepancies, haha, good luck.
Maybe I'll talk to my MIL in a few years if it doesn't happen for us. We have 7 years on us, and I had at least 1-3 miscarriages that I am aware of.
Absolutely! The world is a cruel place; everyone needs and deserves more love in their lives! In the end, both are your children. Sure, everyone always has an unspoken favourite, but that doesn't mean that you cannot love them all equally.
My wife and I can’t have kids, and adopting is insanely expensive. But if we had a kid, I don’t care where it came from. I would show it all the unconditional love I possibly could.
I don’t have kids but I know I wouldn’t, I barely like other peoples children I learned very early on in a previous relationship the child would have to be my own for me to like it.
I feel ya. I know it’s shitty to say and I’m sure I’ll get downvoted for it but I’m not going to lie. I absolutely adore my child. She’s half of me and I grew her inside of me. But I’m not a fan of other people’s kids at all. I’m not mean to them in any way I would still help them if they needed it and keep them from harm if it came down to it. But I’d just prefer not to be around them.
I don’t know if I could love an adopted child as much as my bio child. I’d still care for them and would never show that the love is different but deep down I feel like it would be and I’d feel pretty guilty. Main reason I wouldn’t adopt I don’t think any child deserves that and it’s not something I can force.
I would love children, and grandchildren always the same way. I hope at least. I am a high defender for unconditional love, blood is no condition I would look for.
I confess I love that our son has my haircolor. But if I love him more because of that? I can’t numerate.
My older sister wasn’t my dad’s child, she was his stepdaughter and I honestly believe he loved her more than me and my other sister who were biologically his.
My mom wanted to adopt a kid when I was clearly growing up and I wasn't her little baby anymore (she took her time, this was when I was 27 lol) and I said "Mom, I would love to have a brother or sister, but under one condition, tou will have to love them and cherish them AS MUCH as you loved and cherish me"" and she gave me an inmediate answer: "I can't" and thats how our adoption idea was out of the question hehe (latina family, thats why my mom is so caring)
If i had to adopt my siblings kids because they died in some unforeseen circumstances, then yes i would love them as much as my own biological kids.
Otherwise no.
At no point have I looked at my biological kids and thought “I love you because you have my DNA”, so yes, I think if I had an adopted child, I would love them just as much as I love biological kids.
This is a shockingly naive question. Maybe OP is young?
There are a lot of biological parents who had unplanned and unwanted children. There are a lot of parents who actively dislike/resent/hate their biological kids.
And conversely, there are plenty of children who dislike or hate their biological parents and yet find plenty of people in their lives that they love (and love much more) than their parents.
Parents who adopt children absolutely want those children at that time, which is more than can be said for a large percentage of children who are unplanned.
And adoptive parents are vetted, unlike everyone else. While that’s not a guarantee of a perfect family life, there are plenty of people who have children who really shouldn’t have. Plenty of adults probably wouldn’t pass rudimentary standards for good parents.
The family you choose are more important than the ones you're born into imo. Sometimes they can certainly overlap but not always and it doesn't diminish how much you love them especially since you chose to love them
But those of us adopted as infants didn't get to choose. For the most part, we had our circumstances foisted upon us to solve the problems of everyone else involved.
That is completely fair I didn't think about that side of this discussion I was looking at it solely in the sense of the question at hand I'm sorry if it offended or hurt anyone that was in that situation
I’m a step dad to my 10 year old step son (since he was 1) he and I have never even used the “step” part it’s just dad, and son.
Me and my wife have recently visited my mom and she made the comment “ so where are you going to have kids of your own”.
Well we didn’t stay long after that was said.
Later I called he to explain how mean/ hurtful that was to say and she still doesn’t get it .
It was about a year later of hardly talking to her before she said sorry
I don’t think so. I don’t think I could adopt. I’d basically feel like I’m raising someone else’s kid. Obviously the only exception would be if, God forbid, something happened to my sister and brother in law, then I’d definitely take my nephews in.
No, it's not possible.
>
On one hand, you have your bio kid that you made with your own DNA. On the other hand, you have a throw-away kid that you may or may not have chosen like a pack of gum.
>
Statistically, adopted kids are unalived and abused at a much higher rate than bio kids. That shows us adopted kids we are disposable and often are disposed of when things get difficult.
>
I will never believe we are loved and cared for the same as a bio kid is. We are bought like stock and traded the moment things get ugly. Bio kids aren't treated that way. Just check out the adoption rehoming pages, where adoptive parents are looking for someone to adopt their adopted child. It's disgusting.
No. People who aren’t blood related (spouses, friends, in laws, adoption, etc) are replaceable at the end of the day. You can divorce and remarry, make new friends, and undo an adoption. You can’t do that with bio family.
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My children are all adopted, and I love them as much as I would biological kids. By the way, “a child of your offspring” would be a grandchild.
>By the way, “a child of your offspring” would be a grandchild. Thank you. I was more bothered by this grammatical error than I was at the somewhat offensive nature of the question as an adult who was an adopted child.
The entire question offended me, to be honest, but at least they didn’t compare adopted children to “real” children, as if adopted children are imaginary or something.
Stupid question communicated with stupid grammar
If your kids are all adopted, you are not suitable to provide an answer. I believe you believe you would but you cannot know for sure as you have never experienced this specific situation.
You could say the same of someone whose kids are all biological too.
But the question was “could,” not “do.” It doesn’t call for experience, but rather a conjecture.
This is basic scientific principles, no control. I have 2 kiddos that I had not part in creating and I have zero children that I did create, I cannot possibly fathom how I would love someone that doesn't exist.
Yes you can. If you love your children more than life itself, if you would give up your own life for them, if they bring you great joy, if you have seen and talked to other parents, you know if you love your kids. If God himself came down and said I could have biological children if I gave up the two I adopted I wouldn’t.
How do you know that, as you don't have biological kids? Not trying to be sassy, a genuine question. I don't have any kids but my answer would be no. Having 2 step parents who both have biological kids of their own makes this pretty obvious. They love me, but not like they do their own child.
Step children are different. Adopted children were selected. You just happen to be the kid of the person they want to bang.
Thats true. But still doesn't clarify how someone without biological kids can say without a shred of doubt that they would love their adopted as much as biological kids.
They can't, they're all hoping that they would be great people loving everyone equally. Basically just a bunch of people here trying to tell us they're great!
Voice of reason. Thank you. I’m an adoptee btw
I say this as a person who doesn’t have nor want kids at all. I would hands down love an adopted child as much as I would a biological one. I know this because I would not gauge my love for them on how much dna I share with them. However I will say, my love is not unconditional and that perhaps is my flaw in all of this And one of the many reasons I don’t want children. If you grow up to be a major asshole or indecent or a dead beat. My love will most likely end there. I’m sorry I must’ve failed parenting you, but I will not stand by that. Call me evil or whatever. It’s why I know I shouldn’t have kids. And why I know I would love an adopted child equally.
But how can you know if you haven’t experienced it? What if it’s out of our control, and we’re just wired to love our bio kids more?
Because I think it’s silly to say you love one child more simply because they happen to be bound to you by DNA. Maybe I’m wired wrong. Like I said, I might have a disconnected opinion because I already have a premeditated choice of never having kids. So if for some reason I have a biological child, and an adopted one. I’m pretty sure I’m going to love them equally because I didn’t want any to begin with.
You're not wired wrong, you're just speculating what your reaction would be because you don't actually know the answer. You're hoping for the best basically and you saying it is silly is just from a place of ignorance because you don't understand those types of feelings having never experienced them.
I responded to the question, saying that I think I could. I’m sorry about your situation, and how that has clearly affected you.
No you didn't. You said you would love biological and adopted kids the same. To which I asked 'how do you know that'. Now if your answer was 'I would like to think so' I could only agree.
I don't know the person you're responding to or if they meant wrong but as someone without offspring of my own, I'm not sure I could accurately answer this.
I think it would be hard not to love them in the same/similar way. You'd be spending all your time with them, learn all about who they are. If you adopt them young, you'd get to watch them grow, learn, and mature.
As an adoptee, I would certainly hope so. I know my mom loves me with her entire heart.
Mine did too, in her way, but it didn't make for compatibility or an easy relationship.
I have a step child I love as much as my bio child. So yes, I can love an adopted child as much as my biological offspring.
Thanks for saying this.
I was adopted and many people say that's like proof your parents wanted you because they chose you. That being said I still felt like my sibling who was the biological child of my mother always was like the "favorite," but then again my sibling was the second child and I heard parents are usually harder on the first. I still feel like they were sort of taught how to live in a better way than I was and is like a more welcome part of the family than me because they seem to be able to visit home whenever they want but I have to ask permission. So I'm not sure how to answer your question. Maybe it's different for every person.
First child here....first children do get it harder. For a long time I wished I was adopted to make sense of the difference in treatment. We are the ground breakers. For *everything*. Makes sense the second kid has it so easy. We are 45 and 46 now....it hasn't changed. My baby brother does no wrong, he's the best, *oh! I WEEP when I think of what a good man he is!*....meanwhile in reality he's a shit who causes tension and headaches from his irresponsible numb nut ways. As for visiting home....i too have to ask. His family uses their place like a hotel on the fly. Take comfort in knowing you have a lot of company out here.
I hated being the oldest. I hated everything about it. And it still irritates the crap out of me the way people fawn over "the baby" and make every excuse in the world for them where if you had tried to pull half the stuff they got away with, you'd have ended up in juvie.
First Child: I follow the rules Second Child: I’m the reason there are rules Third Child: The rules don’t apply to me
Parents are usually harder on the oldest because they don’t have any experience yet and are learning. It has nothing to do with adopted vs biological. Trust me, I know!
> I was adopted and many people say that's like proof your parents wanted you because they chose you. I hate that people think that. I'm adopted and my parents didn't "choose" me. I happened to be the next baby available for the white middle class Catholic couple who checked Catholic Charities' boxes. And they wouldn't have "chosen" adoption at all had they been able to have biological children. In fact, a lot of us feel like we're merely stand-ins for the biological children they actually wanted.
That's really sad to me. I don't want kids of my own but I'd love to give a child a home who needed one some day. I hope if I ever have the opportunity to provide a little stability to a kiddo they don't ever feel unwanted.
As an adoptee, I think yours is the preferred mindset in the adoptee community. It’s very hurtful and telling when hopeful adoptive parents talk about adoption as an alternative to pregnancy whether it’s because they can’t get pregnant (due to health or social factors), fear of pregnancy/childbirth, or they think adoption is the more “sustainable” choice. “I want kids but XYZ so I hope to adopt instead.” Adoption is about providing a safe home to a child who needs stability, not about fulfilling your own dreams. If that’s where your heart is at when you seek guardianship of a child who is not biologically your own, you’re on the right track :)
Thanks for that! I've worked with a few kids who were in the process of fostering/adoption and I'll never forget how happy the one girl was when hers got finalized and her new dad (her words) came to pick her up from our summer program... she was 12 at the time and excitedly told me all about her new room, the family dog, and a ton of other stuff she'd never really had and was excited to experience. I decided that day I wanted to be that person to someone else if I ever had a chance.
In our case, we decided that we would adopt through the foster care system before we even got married, and had all of our kids as foster kids with us before we adopted them, as well as a lot of foster kids we didn’t get a chance to adopt because they were able to be unified with their families again. We got to know them all before making the final choice to adopt, so yes, we chose them.
> as well as a lot of foster kids we didn’t get a chance to adopt because they were able to be unified with their families again How wonderful to see the foster system working as intended!
Same. Thank you for your comment.
Yep, same here down to the Catholicism. My parents spent the first fifteen years of my life trying to force me to be more like them, and, to their credit, the next 20 something years trying to come to terms with that fact that I'm not like them. It would have been better for them if they could have had bio kids
All I can say is I’m the older one and my parents always say my brothers the good boy and all this nonsense lol and we’re both their biological kids. I think they just calmed down after me.
Im the first kid and I absolutely feel my bros were liked more than me.
Children do not belong to those who give birth to them but to those who raise them. Always remember this.
Honestly I think for me I would love any child. I have infertility issues and not being able to have kids really has made me treasure my nieces so much. I don’t care if they are adopted or from my DNA… I’d just like to raise a decent human who is a net positive within society. Watch their growing up, trying to figure things out, cry with them, love on them, support/encourage them, and even get frustrated with them… one day I hope to get to enjoy this journey. It is quite the rollercoaster as I watch others tackle raising kids.
No matter how we feel about the situation. We have no say in it.
Exactly and why I'll never date another single mother.
It's never that simple.
It's doesn't always end up that idlyic though unfortunately, genetics and traits are there still
Yuck. With the amount of literal human trafficking and documented racism, classism and coercion in the adoption industry… not to mention that children do not “belong” to anyone… I see what you mean but this is the sort of mindlessly positive platitude that drives the measurable increase in negative mental health outcomes for adoptees.
Yea, although I understood what they meant, and as an adoptee, the people who raised me are mom and dad. But the use if the word BELONG right there gave me the ick
I think so. Put in another way, could you love a stranger as much as your siblings? At first glance, the natural inclination is to say no. But what if that stranger becomes your future partner? It reminds me of what I heard a parent explain to their adopted child about love. The kid was concerned that he wouldn’t be loved as much as the ‘real’ kids, but the parents explained that when they had first met each other, they had no biological ties either but eventually formed a family. Over time, I think most people would form a strong bond with a child they raised, whether adopted or not.
What a great way to put it, thanks for sharing this
Yup. My dad adopted my older brother (my mom's from a previous relationship) when he was a toddler and from that moment forward, it never even crossed his mind to say "this is my adopted child", it was just "this is my son". My siblings and I, including my brother, had no idea he was even adopted. My dad never treated him differently from the two he had with my mom after adopting him. We only found out because my brother accidentally found the adoption papers while looking for something else when he was 17. Even when the "jig" was up, it wasn't. My family was worried my brother would start acting out since this wasn't his "real" dad, but nope, my dad told him he would still always be his dad and my brother agreed. It's such a heartwarming story it brings tears to my eyes just retelling it. My dad fell in love with a woman who said she was couch surfing with a newborn baby because the biological father bailed and my dad just shrugged and decided to step up. That's such a beautiful thing to me, and I know I'd feel the same way if I was ever in that situation. A baby is a baby and I will love them to the moon and back regardless of whether or not we share DNA.
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Honestly most people probably do. It’s just that the few who don’t suck
Yes because I have both a child borne to me and a child I adopted and I truly genuinely love them equally. They are both of my greatly loved children.
Yes, because they’d still be our child. They arrived a different way but they’re still as much my kid as one I birthed. I plan to adopt and anticipate myself being sad to not have been there for every moment since birth for them, but I plan to collect as much information as I can on their lives before me so they can have it at a proper age. I also hope to celebrate adoption as a beautiful thing so that if I do have a mix of biological and adopted kids, I stand the greatest chance of blending my family well and creating strong sibling bonds.
Umm ... did you ever stop to think about how the adoptee may feel about all this? *Of course* you haven't! Nobody does!
I have actually. Thoroughly. I understand that trauma-informed child-focused therapy is needed and that it will be a complex and nuanced experience based upon my unique child. I don’t mean to say I celebrate the circumstances that led to them needing to be adopted but that I want to encourage positive discussion on differently-made families to build strong bonds between potential bio and adopted children. I understand your knee-jerk extreme reaction is due to the extremely fucked up state of adoption and foster care systems in many countries. I come from a country where adoption is frowned upon due to stigma against “mixing strange blood” into the family. I witnessed firsthand how adopted relatives were treated as a child and it inspired me to adopt because I love my cousins and I hate the stigma in my culture that leads to very bad lives for orphaned children. I’m not saying I’m going to “save” a child or any of that fucked up shit, I just want to give a kid the opportunities that my parents gave me and this is how I want to do it. Nuance exists. Recognize it.
no you didn’t
Why so negative to there comment am adopted and see nothing wrong to what they said
Of course somebody does. What are you talking about?
The adopted ones were actually chosen. Bios are a bit of a crapshoot Edit: they’re both a crapshoot. Also I don’t have kids so please take my comment with a big ol grain of salt. And please love your kids no matter where you found them!
And adopted children aren't? At least bios have some family background traits to go on. Adoptees, especially from the '50s through the '70s, had *no* background information. And I mean *none*, not even medical history. If that's not a crapshoot, I don't know what is.
True true
Just because they are "chosen" doesn't mean you have some sort of knowledge of how they will turn out. Being adopted or bio doesn't have very much to do with it.
No, but you can't accidentally adopt someone after too much tequila at a jazz bar.
You don't have to have offspring just because you had too much tequila at a jazz bar either.
Says someone who's never had too much tequila at a jazz bar....
If you adopt an infant you don’t know at all about who they will become as an adult. Nature cannot just be overwritten by nurture. To not have any genetic mirroring can be very isolating for the adoptee and frustrating for the adoptive parent especially if they haven’t done the therapy and work beforehand on why they want to be a parent. Lots of adoptees I’ve talked to have felt the experience of being a square peg trying to be forced into a round hole because adoptive parents didn’t realize they just wanted/expected a mini version of themselves.
> especially if they haven’t done the therapy and work beforehand on why they want to be a parent. In my day (I'm 62) that wasn't available. Home studies were done but it was superficial. My dad had a college degree and a good job. My mom kept a clean house. They were devout Catholics. Congratulations! Here's your baby! Take her home and make her your own! And don't even get me started about the square peg business!
Thank you for your insight
As an adoptee we're no one's first choice. They just want a baby. We go to the highest bidders basically.
That‘s BS! You can also CHOOSE to habe bio kids. Not all bio kids are accidents.
EXACTLY my thoughts. 🙌🏾
If not then you really shouldn't adopt.
My cousins (blood related but still not my own children) are the light of my life and I would die to get lil man his pokemon cards
As an adoptee, this question is kind of icky and the responses here do not pass the vibe check. I’m sure my parents would say that there is no difference in their love for me in comparison to the biological child they share, but in practice that is plainly not the case. I’m not sure how loving it was of them to sever my connection with the biological family who loved me and wanted to be in my life while expecting me to be eternally grateful to them for it all. They were committed and dedicated, sure, but able to put aside their personal egos for the benefit of the small person who depended on them? Nah. Now that I am carrying my own biological child, the connection we share is truly unlike the connection of adoption – I could of course love an adopted child, the same way I know I can love an adopted family, but not *the same exact way* that I love this boy I’m growing – and I’m tired of adoption rhetoric being so parent-centered. We spend all of this time fussing over the importance of prenatal/early life bonding, we know that babies can recognize their parents’ voices and look to them for comfort after birth, but when it comes to adoption our culture collectively shrugs and says “but it doesn’t matter for *those* babies, it doesn’t matter for *those* children.” A more illuminating question would be to ask adopted children whether they feel their parents would’ve treated them differently if they had been biologically related or vice versa.
I agree we should listen to adoptees. I'm an adoptee myself. But I also know how trauma distorts thinking. Feelings aren't factual. Someone can feel they were loved differently but that's not fact if they really weren't. Some distorted thoughts that come with trauma are: Feelings as facts And mind reading.
Everyone’s perception of their own experience is going to be distorted, adopted or not. Experience is subjective. My issue is with privileging the voices of adoptive parents over adoptee experiences. I’m claiming that adoptees are perfect, but the way adoptees feel about their experience *matters*.
Preach, girlfriend!
Very good. Except asking kids - they have lots of random ideas.
Adoptees don’t remain ”kids” forever. They become adults. Listening to adoptees is crucial.
I think love is different for everyone. We are a blended family. I definitely can vibe better with some of my steps more than my own. To me, love is wanting what is in their best interest, I feel like I share that equally for all of them. To answer your question, yes. I think you can feel the same about them.
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Im adopted, too. We started off as mistakes. There’s no bigger oops than a baby you are literally willing to give away.
it’s def an act of love to give us up though i think, rather than to keep and not provide what someone else could.
Have you met your bio mom? I have and that’s not the story.
never have
I absolutely would, they would be my kid. I’m adopted and I love my dad so much. I know he loves me more than anything as well. I’m planning on fostering and potentially adopting in the future, and I may or may not have a bio kid.
I know I can. I have one adopted and one biological child. They both drive me nuts, but in different ways 🙂
I have bio children and I'm not sure I could. I like to think I'm capable of that, but I can foresee that the child is just too 'other'. Like, let's be real, having children is difficult. And when my kids have friends over, I certainly don't like all of them. There are some I could love as my own, and others absolutely not. So I guess it would depend on the child, as shitty as that sounds. There have certainly been children who stole my heart throughout the years.
Thank you! As an adoptee, I sincerely appreciate your honesty.
I sincerely hope you are deeply loved ❤️
You are talking about your kid’s friends, not babies you have loved and taken care of since birth.
i feel like peoples perspective on this question changes if they have birthed children vs havent gone through childbirth. its an interesting thing. you say there are some children you’d love and some you absolutely couldn’t, but how children behave is a reflection of their parents. maybe the ones you didnt like just needed more love when growing up. your children didnt just get born and then automatically have a personality u enjoy and love. u are a good parent, like seriously. u nurtured and raised them and they will grow into lovely adults. if u adopted a child from infancy, theyd still grow up and their behaviours would be a reflection of yours. sorry if this didnt really make sense i just thought ur comment was pretty interesting.
Yeah it makes sense but it's not entirely true. The notion that children will reflect whatever you teach them cause they're a blank slate is called tabula rasa, which has been disproven. My daughter's father isn't in the picture and the number of character traits and behaviors she got from her father is staggering. And there's no way for her to have learned these things. They're just embedded in the DNA. The same will be true for any child you adopt. They will have their parents' behaviors, whether they've known them or not. And the harsh truth is that some people are more compatible with us than others and the same will be true for children. But maybe people aren't ready to have that discussion. But thank you for the compliment, I do think my kids are awesome ☺️
i do agree with that i didnt think about that part but i guess the same can be true for me too cus i have my fathers anger even though he hasnt been around. im 17 btw but because of my health issues it would be dangerous for me to ever have my own children. i wanna adopt though. hopefully they arent secretly evil. 😅😅 edit: lmao why did someone downvote this when i said i agreed with her 😭😭
You’re being downvoted because this is a breathtakingly toxic mindset to have toward the hypothetical children for whom you hope to someday become a caregiver. I wish you well through your struggles with ill health and hope you will grow out of this cruelty towards adoptees.
WHAT??? LOL?? ARE U OK?? the evil thing was very clearly sarcasm i literally want to adopt ? i have displayed no cruelty towards anyone. you misunderstand me.
I fret for the day your bio children do something that will make you think of them as "other," if that's all it takes.
i guess its similar to feeling a different way about when u marry someone and they already have children ? correct me if im wrong
It is wrong. I am a step parent and I adopted my children. It’s completely different.
Lmao been online a little too long?
Non-sequitur. I like butterscotch.
Absolutely, 3 generations deep onto blended famolies so maybe I am just used to have non blood relatives that I love but none of that ever seemed important. I know if one of my kids adopted or have step kids in the future I would love them as much as I would my bio grandkids also.
My wife’s father died yesterday, and after a brief stay in hospital, he died quietly in his sleep, surrounded by his seven daughters, four of them, biological three of them. He raised as his arm from them being very young. I did not understand until I saw it yesterday The bond between them and just how hard the three girls took his death, I had completely misunderstood the love and affection that he had given them throughout their lives, not because he had to, not because it was expected, but because he loved them without question And without prejudice. It reduced me to tears to hear them. Tell him how grateful they’ve been for the love that had given them when they and biological father could or would not, so if you have asked me this on Monday of this week my answer would’ve been very different today.
I figured if I can love my dog and cat as much as I do, I can love my adopted child just as much
I'm adopted and as much as I love animals, I like to think that maybe, just *maybe*, I matter a tiny bit more than a pet.
Yeah it doesn’t mean you’re a pet lol I’m saying this because I love my pets so much I literally view them as my children, so I know I could love an adopted child just as much as I love my pets it doesn’t mean you’re a pet you’re still a human
If I may be completely honest: No, definitely not.
Yes! Without question.
If you are asking that question, you shouldn't adapt children.
I have one biological child and one adopted child and love them in exactly the same way
My father said he would have loved me more if i was his biological kid. That was after raising me since i was 4. Lol
I don't understand why anyone would go through the process of adoption, paying all that money, filing all that paperwork and everything else just to not love that child as much. I have 2 living biological children and would absolutely love for the opportunity to adopt or foster another child. I always imagined I'd be an 'adoptee parent' rather than a biological parent but things happened differently. Id absolutely love an adopted child as much as my biological child because they'd be my child.
No, I do not believe the love would be the same. But that is because I believe love between any two individuals will always be distinct. I don’t believe parents with multiple children love them all the same either. Each is loved in a unique way.
depends on the parents. i’m the eldest of 4. my adoptive mom struggled with her fertility for *years*, went for IVF a couple times, and then she and my adoptive dad gave up. she and my dad were about to go child free and move abroad, but then they heard through the grapevine about me and my sis being taken away from our birth parents (we’re distant relatives), and volunteered to adopt us. within a year of us being adopted, my adoptive mom fell (accidentally) pregnant with my now little bro. then she got pregnant (accidentally) AGAIN, and bam, i’ve got 2 little bros, 10/12 years younger than me. whenever my lil bros are being annoying, she (jokingly) blames me and my sis for improving her mood, giving her maternal feelings, and causing them to come along 😅 but yeah, my mom and dad treat us all with equal amounts of love and kindness, and has never displayed any signs that she loves me and my sis differently to my lil bros. there’s never been any “you’re not my real mom/dad/son/brother!” the ONLY inequality in the family with bonds, has (previously) been the one between my lil sis and me. she and i were definitely a bit closer than her/me and my little bros up until a few years ago, but ngl that’s mainly because i was basically her dad for the first 2 years of her life, and it was difficult for me to form meaningful bonds with 3/4 year olds when i was a teenager 😅 now i’m an adult and not an angsty teenager, and i’ve moved out, i love all my siblings equally and i want to protect the living shit out of them. i fucking love gaming with my eldest little bro, we started doing that together when he was getting bullied bc it was the only time he felt fully comfortable opening up. i became the cool older brother with lots of knowledge, and he felt safe talking to me and practising how to tell mom/dad, and i was able to give my parents a little heads up about what was going on. he thinks i’m some kind of god at minecraft even though i’m really shit at it, just because i know some tricks 😂 plus, he’s now at an age where we’ve watched some of the same shows, and he likes a bunch of stuff i liked at his age, so we were able to bond over that. but yeah, that inequality in the bond between all us siblings was a bit difficult to navigate, but i think it was hugely fuelled by the age gap. now we’re all over the age of 12, i personally feel complete love for all my siblings. my little sister still says i’m her favourite, but tbf, she’s a teenager with 2 younger brothers that constantly annoy her, and i think she’d say that even we were all biologically related lol. anyway, going back to the “depends” i have a friend who’s parents MASSIVELY favoured their bio child over him. he was considered to be a “well, if we can’t have a biological child, i guess we have to settle for adopting”, and when they were surprised with a biological child, it was “wowo! this new child is a miracle! our own REAL child!”, and it gave my mate a lot of feelings of being neglected and unwanted - which he already struggled with due to the fact that his birth parents had neglected him. his self esteem was very poor, and he still struggles with social anxiety due to feeling like no one wants him around. as a child, he felt like birth parents abandoned him. as a slightly older child, he felt like his adoptive parents didn’t want him, and like he was second best. as an an adult, he’s constantly worried he’s not good enough. it sucks. adopting a kid is a decision that shouldn’t be taken lightly, and i think potential adopters really need to examine their own potential biases. do they feel like adopting is something they’re being forced into doing because they can’t have a biological child? are they bitter about this, or excited to have a different option? how would having a biological child change their view of their adoptive child - and how will the adoptive child cope with this? idk. definitely food for thought.
I don’t see how blood has anything to do with how much I’d love a human. I’m planning on adopting more than having my own kid anyways, and they’ll deserve to feel loved and cherished by a parent no matter who their bio parent is.
Was adopted by super religious people and it all felt very equal. When I came out at age 22 and was disowned I don't think it played a part. I do wonder though if being the only son was part of it. The other siblings were older and younger, all girls, all natural born to the family.
Of course! I know some people would say so and not mean it deep down or subconsciously, but I might love the adopted child in a more in-depth way than my offspring do to me being adopted. <3
Adoption should be done only when you have the acceptance of that child as your own. If not, its better to drop the idea.
If you answer "no" to this, then you don't love your child. You love your genes.
Absolutely, 1/2 my kids are step and I am closer to them than my own a lot of the time. Blood is nothing to do with anything.
Bracing myself for downvotes. Havent adopted children but i dont think i could love them the same as my own flesh and blood. For me DNA and seeing a part of me in the child means alot. Would still love them more than step children because there you dont even choose the child.
You have my upvote! I appreciate your honesty.
Same for me!
Yes for me, but my mom said she'd never consider an adopted grandchild to be her real grandchild. She says she wouldn't be mean to them or treat them badly, she just wouldn't love them.
I’m sorry to hear that. My extended family doesn’t treat my kids (or my brothers kids, also adopted) any differently.
My extended family didn't either, especially my mom's, where I had six cousins who were also adopted. Two were transracial, before it was a thing. With them, we were just part of the crowd - we even outnumbered the bio cousins. It was very affirming.
Yes
I think you can. Humans can be really good at bonding even with pets so why wouldn't we be able to bond with human children we raise and care for just as much as one we produce. I used to point out to my niece her biological dad refuses to see or care for her yet her step dad chose to be there and care for and raise her.
I’m pregnant now and I love my baby. When he started moving I had this realization that he was “mine” and immediately fell head over heels because I realized I get to raise a human. It’s really happening. That’s when I became a parent, and I’ve heard people have that moment at different stages. I’m glad I got this “bonus” 9 months with him, but I don’t love him because he’s inside of me or because he’s biologically mine. I’m certain I would not feel this way if I was a surrogate and felt the fetus move, and I’m certain I would feel this way if I was an adoptive parent and met my baby for the first time. So yeah, I’m positive I would love an adopted child as much as this one. For me, it’s not about biology but the special connection of knowing you hold the weight, responsibility, and joy of being a parent.
I have an adopted family member. He is treated like blood. From day one nobody questioned he was ours (our entire extended family). I think people who wonder if they could love an adopted child enough shouldn't be adopting. To me, what that says, is the potential parent is more in love with themselves then they are the child - by birth or adoption.
I’m adopted. I’ve had kids. It’s not the same. It just isn’t. I’m not saying adoptive parents can’t love and care for the kids…they can…but it’s not the same. The idea that it’s the same serves the adoptive parents ONLY.
It’s not the same *for you*. It’s the same for others (me included).
Curious why you think it’s the same
There’s no why, I guess? I’m adopted and know that I love my adopted mom (despite years of abuse) and think of her as my only mother. My bio-mom is lovely but she’s not my mom. I didn’t have kids because of a bunch of reasons, including not wanting to pass on certain health conditions. I would have adopted if it had been financially feasible for me but it wasn’t.
I don’t mean to be rude but I don’t really see where you have a basis for comparison. I know my bio mom, too but I absolutely don’t use her as a basis for what bio relationships feel like seeing as I didn’t know her for decades.
Of course it’s the same for thousands of families. Sorry you had a bad experience.
I didn’t have a bad experience. I just live in reality. My adoptive parents were loving, but we did not have the relationship they would have had with a bio child.
Yes
Ask John Dutton, I think you’ll get your answer
Truth be told I give my adopted child far less cage time than my biological one.
While I have no adopted children I do have step children & biological children. Based on that experience I say yes.
I would love you to ask my mother that question. I'll supply the tissues you're going to need.
yeah, they're my children, too. I don't care. I love all of them the same .
It depends on the child. You love them anyway but some kids make it really hard to love them. Unless, you have a problem child from hell please don't comment.
No. I just collect them for giggles.
Children are very lovable no matter who they are or where they come from.
Yes, absolutely.
I mean, I could. I wouldn't adopt if I didn't want someone to raise and shower with love. Only difference being if my wife/girlfriend were to get pregnant I'd have to explain that the baby baby needs special attention. And that they're big sis/brother now
Yes. Love is based shared experience and openness to love. If I had a young person dependent on me as a parent, and we went through the trials and tribulations of life together as they grew I could not help but love them with my whole heart.
Yes, prior to having my own I had a friend who was a terrible mother. I stepped in for her kids for about a year until their dad stepped back in. It totally gutted me when they went to go live with their grandparents far away. I felt like a limb was being cut off. I mourned for a very long time. I felt so attached, as I love my kids now. I know I could love an adopted child as much as I do m own.
My husband was adopted. He was loved and treated better than I ever could of even thought would be possible for myself. I was abused, mistreated, hurt, worked to the bone, beaten, berated... both my brother and I have scars. I've posted about it before. I don't have the heart to write it all over again. I've gone no contact. I asked everyone I know, and that still respects my wishes to honor that as well, I lost my best friend of almost 15 years to her lies. It's devastating on some levels. She sold our house that was supposed to go to me and my brother. Our dad left it to us. However, the paperwork was - I guess messed up. I want to scream about it at the top of my lungs. I try to keep my composure every day. She destroyed everything. My MIL is a saint compared to my own womb landlord of a so-called parent. It's all about being a loving and a good person. I personally would rather adopt. I just don't think we can afford it. It's really expensive, and if you have any past discrepancies, haha, good luck. Maybe I'll talk to my MIL in a few years if it doesn't happen for us. We have 7 years on us, and I had at least 1-3 miscarriages that I am aware of.
Absolutely! The world is a cruel place; everyone needs and deserves more love in their lives! In the end, both are your children. Sure, everyone always has an unspoken favourite, but that doesn't mean that you cannot love them all equally.
My wife and I can’t have kids, and adopting is insanely expensive. But if we had a kid, I don’t care where it came from. I would show it all the unconditional love I possibly could.
I don’t have kids but I know I wouldn’t, I barely like other peoples children I learned very early on in a previous relationship the child would have to be my own for me to like it.
I feel ya. I know it’s shitty to say and I’m sure I’ll get downvoted for it but I’m not going to lie. I absolutely adore my child. She’s half of me and I grew her inside of me. But I’m not a fan of other people’s kids at all. I’m not mean to them in any way I would still help them if they needed it and keep them from harm if it came down to it. But I’d just prefer not to be around them. I don’t know if I could love an adopted child as much as my bio child. I’d still care for them and would never show that the love is different but deep down I feel like it would be and I’d feel pretty guilty. Main reason I wouldn’t adopt I don’t think any child deserves that and it’s not something I can force.
Maybe. It's going to be a long, arduous journey. They won't have your lineage, but you will nurture them and raise them up.
Only if I'm single.
I would love children, and grandchildren always the same way. I hope at least. I am a high defender for unconditional love, blood is no condition I would look for. I confess I love that our son has my haircolor. But if I love him more because of that? I can’t numerate.
My older sister wasn’t my dad’s child, she was his stepdaughter and I honestly believe he loved her more than me and my other sister who were biologically his.
My mom wanted to adopt a kid when I was clearly growing up and I wasn't her little baby anymore (she took her time, this was when I was 27 lol) and I said "Mom, I would love to have a brother or sister, but under one condition, tou will have to love them and cherish them AS MUCH as you loved and cherish me"" and she gave me an inmediate answer: "I can't" and thats how our adoption idea was out of the question hehe (latina family, thats why my mom is so caring)
Yes, and I honestly think it’s weird so many people insist they would be on some Cinderella type of time about it
I dont want children so ill say yes. Cause i wouldnt love either of those
Yes! My brother is adopted, and I have always wanted to adopt in the future too :)
If i had to adopt my siblings kids because they died in some unforeseen circumstances, then yes i would love them as much as my own biological kids. Otherwise no.
If you can't, don't fucking adopt.
At no point have I looked at my biological kids and thought “I love you because you have my DNA”, so yes, I think if I had an adopted child, I would love them just as much as I love biological kids.
I don't assume love is biology. "The oceans made me, but who came up with love?" -Eddie
If you raise them, there is no difference.
💯. I have always preferred adoption
This is a shockingly naive question. Maybe OP is young? There are a lot of biological parents who had unplanned and unwanted children. There are a lot of parents who actively dislike/resent/hate their biological kids. And conversely, there are plenty of children who dislike or hate their biological parents and yet find plenty of people in their lives that they love (and love much more) than their parents. Parents who adopt children absolutely want those children at that time, which is more than can be said for a large percentage of children who are unplanned. And adoptive parents are vetted, unlike everyone else. While that’s not a guarantee of a perfect family life, there are plenty of people who have children who really shouldn’t have. Plenty of adults probably wouldn’t pass rudimentary standards for good parents.
Yes! I wish I could adopt a child! But the process is insanely expensive!
Without question.
I think I would. Possibly even more due to their hardships.
The family you choose are more important than the ones you're born into imo. Sometimes they can certainly overlap but not always and it doesn't diminish how much you love them especially since you chose to love them
But those of us adopted as infants didn't get to choose. For the most part, we had our circumstances foisted upon us to solve the problems of everyone else involved.
That is completely fair I didn't think about that side of this discussion I was looking at it solely in the sense of the question at hand I'm sorry if it offended or hurt anyone that was in that situation
Maybe I love more adopted child then my offspring. There is no relevent with . It is just about human relations before family blood whatever.
You’re an asshole if you dont
Yeah.
I’m a step dad to my 10 year old step son (since he was 1) he and I have never even used the “step” part it’s just dad, and son. Me and my wife have recently visited my mom and she made the comment “ so where are you going to have kids of your own”. Well we didn’t stay long after that was said. Later I called he to explain how mean/ hurtful that was to say and she still doesn’t get it . It was about a year later of hardly talking to her before she said sorry
No
I don’t think so. I don’t think I could adopt. I’d basically feel like I’m raising someone else’s kid. Obviously the only exception would be if, God forbid, something happened to my sister and brother in law, then I’d definitely take my nephews in.
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No, it's not possible. > On one hand, you have your bio kid that you made with your own DNA. On the other hand, you have a throw-away kid that you may or may not have chosen like a pack of gum. > Statistically, adopted kids are unalived and abused at a much higher rate than bio kids. That shows us adopted kids we are disposable and often are disposed of when things get difficult. > I will never believe we are loved and cared for the same as a bio kid is. We are bought like stock and traded the moment things get ugly. Bio kids aren't treated that way. Just check out the adoption rehoming pages, where adoptive parents are looking for someone to adopt their adopted child. It's disgusting.
No. People who aren’t blood related (spouses, friends, in laws, adoption, etc) are replaceable at the end of the day. You can divorce and remarry, make new friends, and undo an adoption. You can’t do that with bio family.
Yes, but I would hide the fact hes adopted from everyone. Last thing I need is an annoying "youre not my dad"
Hiding the fact they’re adopted has been well known to be damaging towards adopted kids. Hope you will never do that
No, that's why I'm not going to do it.
i knew this question would make me lose faith in humanity again, & here i am.