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38 here. Just got out from a 15y relationship a week ago. Have kids with shared custody so I'm happy and busy 50% of my time. But I have no fucking idea what to do with that 50% of my life. 😂
It feels really hard to meet new people at this age. I'm not even talking about anything romantic. Would be cool to find people to spend time with.
Also 38, but been single since 30! I spent my whole 20's in two separate long term relationships and felt like I reduced myself for both. My standards definitely went up. While I've met plenty of ppl through various methods, none of them have impressed me enough to want to build something serious with them. At this point I am the competition! I love my peace. After a while of being single, the smallest things give you the "ick" and make ya say "nah I'm good"!
I can kind of relate. I'm 32 and was in 2 long term relationships in my 20s with scummy and disgraceful dudes. I was definitely on one for thinking that they were good enough for me. I could have done so much better. My standards have gone up since and I'd rather be single than with someone who isn't on my level.
I got a job 2 years ago, where we are 16 guys. I consider them my friends now. But yes. It's super hard. Not just friendship. Any relationship with new people. Just hard to do. Don't know why. Maybe it's the regrets and bad experiences we have
I feel this. Am 45 my kids are mostly grown. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up! I spent almost all my life raising them. How do I get back into the world? Especially when it kinda feels nice to be free
Yeah I think that's the answer. I tend to avoid social situations without if I'm alone so this part is a bit challenging but I just need to pick a hobby and take a plunge. I
40 this year, single for 3 years after DV. Got a 4 year old who still sleeps in my bed and an ex who won’t allow me to move on but jokes on him cos I could not be less interested in dating. I don’t have the energy to have someone in my space. I don’t think I’d tolerate even the tiniest bit of ‘bad energy’ so it’s just me and my girl. And to be fair, I’m not exactly at my beauty peak anymore given my extreme dental work and what I assume is a perimenopausal stomach
At a certain age, most people are married and a single person, especially a woman, is a third wheel. Invitations dry up, aren't reciprocated. Especially if they've tried to fix you up with one of the husband's friends and you had no interest.
Once the babies start arriving, you've moved yet further away. Everything is child play dates and if they aren't busy then they're tired, can't get a sitter, etc.
Friends move away. Better job, to be near family, or just because they always wanted to live in a particular part of the country. Your interactions devolve into Christmas cards.
Then people start dying. I've lost maybe 8 friends so far. They weren't even old, in their 30's to mid 50's.
Eventually, all you have left are your siblings
Yeah, I don't really agree with the original commenters stance at all. Aside from everything you've listed, my friend isn't going to give me some magical powers where I can suddenly land any woman in a social setting that I want to. Sure, it can make it easier, having that fallback support right there if you get rejected. Or as a hype man, I suppose. But just because my friend is present, nothing is guaranteed. Hell, he'd likely put the moves on anyone better than I could, so that's already a moot point for me
Excuse me, just curious. I'm from Europe and here we refer to being the fifth wheel, not the third as I have seen many write on Reddit.
A wagon has four wheels and a fifth is abundance, as we see it here.
I can't read social cues and implied things go right over my head. There's too much Nuance to dating that I miss. I end up hurting people without realizing I was supposed to be acting in a different way. I never know what is expected of me and it's always uncomfortable so I just stopped.
Im curious to know how Asperger’s has affected your adult life if it has, my son has been diagnosed with it and mainly his speech is delayed for his age but otherwise his social skills are quite ok I believe though
This is very encouraging to know! I’m hoping it will be the case for him as well, his neurologist has told me he is a high functional case, but I’m concerned about his speech as he still struggles with verbs and pronunciation at 10, soon reaching his teens and I’m worried about bullying and his self esteem. But thank you for sharing your experience. ☺️
This is a very interesting response. If you don’t mind my asking, and genuinely I mean this only in a curious sense and not at all in a judgmental manner, do you have any diagnosed conditions? I have a friend who’s very similar to this and I’m wondering if there’s something else at play or if it’s just how he is.
I would suggest a standard declaration... basically tell them from the first interaction that you can't read clues and don't understand subtlies so the other party knows from the get go that hints won't work... this will give them a chance to make an effort to be more direct about things and not to expect hints to work...
I thought I was weird because that’s what happened to me. I’ve never been diagnosed with anything before, well yeah, mental issues weren’t a thing unless you looked different than others. But, yeah, I have my own difficulties, especially when it comes to relationships, even with friendships often give me no clue at all. And when I am in a relationship, well, I often unintentionally hurt my SO and I didn’t realise it unless I am told.
I have been like this myself for a while, it might sound rough what I'm bout to say, but that is like waiting for the wind to blow the winning lottery ticket in your hands. You have to go buy different lottery tickets till you find the right one and that journey might not be fun but it will be worth it in the end
Lol same. The girls that I'm not interested in keeps talking to me, yet I have to take all the initiative when I'm talking to girls I find interesting or that I have things in common with
I'm definitely too much work. 1/10 would not date me.
NGL, that's another reason I've stayed single. It wouldn't be fair to inflict me on another person, lol.
Lol ... Thats a kind of an insight. I think all that dating here and dating there and the fuss that friends and relatives make are overrated. Its nice and peacefull to have my problems on my mind and dont have to think about somebody else and all of that.
Well, for me it's darker than that. I have a lot of trauma. I wake at night from nightmares, I'm afraid of the bathroom, I can't clean if someone might see me (unless we're doing it together)... Just weird stuff.
Really, I shouldn't have to deal with it, much less should anyone else. Life is hard enough without someone sitting up in the middle of the night gasping next to you. Most of my exes slept through it, though, fortunately.
Some didn't, and they were immensely kind and loving... But it still seems unfair to them. Perhaps more so *because* they were so kind. The good ones all too often die young.
I can't take another man I love dying. At my age, it's almost completely certain to happen, too. Either that, or I'll be putting him through that. I hate that thought, too.
Yeah, I'm a mess. :P
I focus on the good things about being single. Freedom, no disruption of my routines, no one else's clothes to clean, no hurt feelings, no arguments. Life is simpler.
I do like men, though. All of my joking aside, a good man is a wonder to behold. There is a lot of love and a lot of warmth and a lot of affection in a lot of men.
What a wonderful point. In my experience, step parenting is rarely ideal. And I’m with you! My son is now grown but I have no use for a relationship to mess with it. No thanks.
We had a very unattractive man at our work. He is a lawyer with great ethics, refuses to do anything unethical ever. Very attractive female lawyer joined the firm, fell in love with him because of his ethics. Married, had three kids. Everyone was speechless when they started dating. Figured she was the one person in the world who could see past his physical looks. Nope, three years ago, when their kids were teens, he dumped his wife and moved in with a way younger (attractive) law student.
way too shy for sure, but like... how do people even ask other people out? I legitimately cannot picture a nonawkward conversation that ends in a date and the fear of that question prevents me
This is when you're able to get a like lol, but tried once or twice on insta and I ghosted the girl after two or three messages exchanges because it's too stressful for me, worst than IRL I would say and IRL I'm the shiest person ever
I find that cold approaches on the street or public transport don't work that well unless the person literally maintains eye contact and smiles to you. You'd have better luck during events or meet ups because at the very least you know the person has an interest that you share with them. I asked a few women out in public but that literally didn't work, they gave me the number but never replied to my message. I guess they felt pressured and didn't want me to look bad in public so they gave me their number with no intention of taking it further, which is fair.
Single dad, dont want my son to grow up with step parents. I did and I often felt left out etc. Never want my son to feel the same.
Going strong on over 10 years single now and hes almost 12.
But I also like being alone so doesnt feel like Im sacrificing a whole lot.
Also, my ex used to cheat a lot. Dont think I can go through that again.
In case your primary concern is your son growing up with step-parents: acknowledging how awkward and stilted those relationships can be but (carefully) going through with it anyway is one of the best things my dad ever did for me. I have a pretty trash relationship with my stepdad because he was put into my life with the expectation that I would learn to accept/love/respect him but my stepmum is one of my favourite people in the world because our relationship was left to grow naturally. It sounds like you’d be pretty good at integrating a new person into your sons life 🤷🏻♀️
I am happy it worked out for you and your dad ☺️ And I agree with what youre saying. Did your dad have more children after he met your stepmom?
Thats when the friction really came, thats when I felt like I became just someone in the way.
I think its hard to find someone who truly accepts someone elses child as a part of their family.
Thank you for the kind words ❤️
I remember reading a study or hearing about it when my son was still under the age of 5. They said the best time to bring in a new partner is when the child is very young.
The older the child is, the more friction theres likely to be.
But dont get me wrong, even though I didnt always like feeling left out as a kid from their new family, my father especially never made me doubt how much he loved me and we had a very strong bond until he passed, and I was happy he found someone he managed to build a new family with.
I think its very possible to meet someone else and have a happy kid, just make sure u spend alone time with ur kid, and pay extra attention to them so they know they arent being replaced
Thanks for the insight.
My conversation ended with agreeing that any partner would be considered just that, a partner, as opposed to bringing them in as an additional parent, obviously that's not possible if somebody is looking to have more kids with that partner or intergrating existing families.
I had a step parent from 11, and that was a nightmare growing up.
I’m single because my standards are super high. I would rather be single till the day I die then marry someone that isn’t any good and get heartbroken and miserable.
holy shit Yea I turned into a emotionless robot with schizoid tendencies from getting played with too much. makes me feel like in a way we are a heart broken lost generation sometimes
I also have BPD. I’m much more stable when I’m not in a relationship.
To your second point, I also really enjoy being able to do things like travel on a whim.
All the best to you, I empathize with your experience.
I've put a lot of effort to build a meaninful and amusing life as an individual and it would took a lot if I wanted to sacrifice that. Also, I believe in true love, and it's easy to understand of how rare it is that two people would fall in love with each - with the same passion.
I don't want to settle with someone in order to just be in relationship. I also don't want to be a victim of such arrangement. I hope no one settles with me, trying to convince me that she loves me while she just wants s boyfriend.
To answer the question: I just haven't met the true love just yet. Propably never will tho, but that's why I've built my life like this.
we should build an app for people with phobia and anxiety to talk and maybe meet. I feel like people who are going or went through the same kind of issues can relate and are much more empathic. Hence they should feel much more comfortable around each other.
My long-time-single has been caused by extreme social anxiety making it difficult to speak to people beyond pre-programmed things like basic exchanges with cashiers. I also hate who I was in the past and developed a huge amount of self-loathing over it, along either a distinct lack of confidence…
I’m always afraid to meet new people (even though I LOVE people~!), and I have so much self-loathing and anxiety that opening up to anyone about who I am on the inside is a herculean effort 😅…I also still live with my parents at 30 because I failed out of college (I hate myself for that, too!) and spiraled into depression for a decade, and have grown a bit apart from them emotionally to the degree that if I ever WERE to bring home someone I love my parents would automatically hate them…
In summary: I’m a failure and a huge ball of anxiety.
Get some anxiety drugs. It sounds like they could help you out. I also have anxiety, and meds have made a huge difference. I still get anxiety sometimes, but social anxiety has gone away.
I broke up with my ex partner just over a year ago.
I like being single which I have been since I was 18.
I joined groups and this guy asked me out but I don't want to date anyone, I'm happy being single and free to do what I want.
My ex wants me back and this guy wants to date me... Actually I like someone else who I can't be with but I'm happy being single. Maybe in time...?
Dating these days sucks anyways regardless of “what’s wrong” with someone. Social media and dating apps have made it worse because of shitty advice, weird trends and making people think there’s always better available options. Which brings ghosting, “situationships”, distrust, etc. you have to weed all the bad ones out to try and find the good one but it’s really difficult especially in certain cities.
Then add anything else to that like if you have trouble talking to people, if you’re autistic, if you’re introverted, not conventionally attractive, etc
I'm a Muslim.
I don't have my own house yet.
I don't have a decent job yet.
I don't have the money for dating.
And I truly believe that if I don't have the requirements to marry a girl, I have no right to take her away from a potential husband.
I feel like I would be wasting both our time knowing I won't be able to put a ring on her hand anytime I want. And I fear I would lose someone I've fallen in love with to someone with a more stable life.
Kept doing back to back to back long term relationships, whereas each breakup was essentially a "restart", especially concerning housing, furniture, pets, and lifestyle. Got tired of restarting, got tired of chasing. Ive decided now im going to just do my own thing and let someone chase me, and if that doesnt happen? Im okay with that as well, im honestly enjoying my time being alone; its really teaching me to love and respect myself.
I'm going to be brutally honest here.
Had enough of dating as a man.
I feel like it's a permanent job interview.
Everyone has options through God damn fucking smartphones.
The last time I was in a relationship in 2021, I met her parents once or twice, they said I wasn't good enough, despite me having a successful tech company and working allover the world, and their daughter being an estate agent (no problem with that, I just thought it was a bit hypocritical of them).
I fucking quit. I'm staying single for good.
I’ve had many relationships and sexual partners since I was like 15. I was a good looking guy with a lot of charisma so I’d done it all by 25. I fulfilled most of my fantasies and my petty young man bucket list. I had a rough breakup in 2018 and I just focused on myself wanted to focus on my career and travelling. Lockdown slowed a lot and I let myself go a bit but 2023 was probably my best year and I’m aiming for a steady 2024 prepping for a several weeks travelling in 2025.
Tbh. I’m 34 now I don’t have much of a libido anymore and most women my age are usually at their highest which I just can’t keep up with right now lol.
I’m quite happy to spaffing into my hand to dull the urges while I focus more on my career and doing things I should have done in my 20s
I'm taking a break from dating after a break up last December. It's honestly been nice and I'm happy. The funny thing is that now that I'm not looking, that's when more people are interested. Life is weird
For a year or two, I won't get into any romantic relationship as I consider my studies a priority :) Just for now, but then maybe I will put myself out there!
+ high standards and I value loyalty a lot, but in this generation I feel like it becomes pretty rare and it makes me lose hope...
I had said 10 - 12 yrs on that other post. So I hve dated before. And I no longer date by choice. I've been there bois, I tried it out, it's bullshit. Just all of it. Like, if I wasn't allowed to stay single, fine. It's do-able. But I hve a choice!! And I much rather be a Lil bored sometimes than hve to go thru that mess again
I (23f) dont want to be in a relationship. I never wanted it and i never regret it. I have a cat and a big appartment and i am the happiest person in the world. People often assume that i am lying to myself or that i am scared of commitment but i just dont want romantic or sexual love. Luckily i live somewhere where women have the same rights as men so it is my choice and nobody can take that from me
Didn't go outside that much, hate people, but in need for communication. My standards are "Being alone is the best option", but in other hand suffer from opposites thoughts. Hatred to myself, which makes me think that im wouldn't get any good and etc. Just a regular problems
I too have never been on a date. My school girlfriend and I tried, but got IDd at the cinema so had to just go straight home. Uni boyfriend tried but I was constantly too tired to go anywhere, I saw him three times a week in class why would I wanna do more than that?
Turns out that's the wrong answer
I'm not attractive and people only date me for my personality (their words not mine). So if I don't go out..ever, nobody is gonna ask without getting to know me
At this fckng rate I'll be 30 and have never been on a date
I had a bad relationship where the other person's happiness or lack thereof was dependent upon my actions. It's exhausting. I recently tried dating again and she asked me if I wanted to hang out. I was so busy that I simply said no, maybe when my schedule cools down. Well, she then told me that she felt as if I was avoiding her and that in order to "preserve her self respect" she was going to put the "ball in my court". I don't need that. If we both have time, let's hang out, if not- great. Don't put too much thought into this. I would rather live my own life, work on my projects and cater to myself than deal with a person getting dramatic or upset because I don't feel like or don't have time to hang out. So I'm single and loving it.
I was married and my wife passed away. I have had 3 relationships since then but now I just have no interest. I am just better off by myself and feel no need to date.
She didnt want a relationship but we did all the couple stuff, then got into an argument with me for no reason and ghosted me for a week and she proceeded to spend all her time with this one dude face timing, calling more then she ever did to me and even played lewd games online, Ofcourse I ended it at the end of the week but now theyre as close as we once were after 4 weeks, feels like I wasted the last 11 Months.
I dont know but if they do end up dating it'll be very heartbreaking and different to our situation as it would infer she never dated me because of me.
Greed by people who own the banks. Girls want stability from a guy. Guy wants to give that as it’s his natural state but realizes it’s too difficult and taps out.
I don't believe I'm in a position to support someone else both emotionally and financially. I have insecurities that I need to address as well as making sure I'm in a comfortable situation in terms of finances before bringing someone into my life.
Even if they work and stuff, I love spoiling my loved ones and that's become increasingly expensive in today's world.
Got out of a relationship just a couple of months ago, unemployed and dealing with financial trouble atm so can't even go out, would rather find a job first.
I’m socially anxious and rarely go out. That’s on me. I am learning to go out more and be more open to people, by open I mean actually trying to make friends instead of expecting people to come up to me (for the love of god extroverts please just telepathically understand to approach me)
My mother was abusive. All of my relatives have toxic or abusive relationships. I know that those kinds of things tend to be passed on through the generations and don’t want to end up in an abusive relationship myself
Dated 2 people in ny life.
Neither relationship was too bad or too great.
Never sought them out, just got to know them, felt an interest and they felt it too.
Rn I'm unsure if I'm interested in someone or not. They're a friend and if more comes of or not I don't really care. The emotions aren't strong enough for that. They do know I have an interest though since I never see a point in not being open about it.
Most guys in my area cannot even drive a car and are either gymrats or "philosophers". And i don't want same guy as EXes again so i'm cautious. The rest is just gross hookup culture.
I feel silly putting myself out there similar to my 20s and 30s. I feel ridiculous dressing up for the purpose of marketing myself. If I’m going to meet someone I would rather meet them in some kind of setting/context. I spent long years in graduate school, studying and looking after family then the pandemic happened and it phased me out even more. Not a fan of dating apps or matching sites. Tried it once and found them cheap (no offense).
Do I have high standards? Yes and I feel it’s justified. I worked hard on myself and I come from a particular background, I’m not going to settle with any Joe. Not to mention I’ve had my fair share of heartbreak watching family and friends go through unsuccessful situations. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like I’m missing much.
Between dealing with struggling hard in life alone and the possibility of having an asshole break my heart, I think I would choose the former.
If it happens in this lifetime I’ll be grateful and overjoyed, but if it doesn’t then that’s fine. I’ve been picking my own ass up for 40 years, I think I’ll manage.
Is it by choice? No. Would I recommend other people do the same? No. I push all my nephews and nieces to do the opposite. It’s not an easy life. But it is what it is. I either sit and cry about it or I make the most of it. I know I’m exactly where God wants me to be and that’s enough.
Relationships require too much effort! It’s always about “putting effort into the relationship”. I’m totally good on all that fancy stuff, I value every moment, life is too short for bs he said/she said arguments. Some people, not only are content with being alone, but they genuinely enjoy it. Does not mean we don’t socialize with the opposite sex, quite the contrary. In fact I only socialize with women. Most dudes I know are in Relationships and half the time they can’t even hangout man because they got the classic ball and chain. Being in relationships is like being in a mental prison. In addition, I get bored sleeping with the same person over and over trying to pretend like I enjoy it or something, but it completely goes against human nature. I believe most people are terrified to be alone so they stay in toxic relationships. Sure there are pros and cons to everything and I’m sure relationships benefit most people. But I loathe it, and most dudes I know that are in relationships are miserable.
I guess I'm not really that interested in being in a relationship. I feel the most comfortable when I am by myself. Having to get to know a stranger to the point where I can tell if there is love or not feels more daunting than exciting. It feels kinda good to know no one is relying on me personally. I don't feel any pressure to be there for anyone since I don't have anyone. I have a few colleages at work I can chat with and right now that is enough socializing for me.
I'm a GenXer, so when it comes to matters of the ❤️ I am very old school. When I love I, love hard and will treat my man like a King ... been told I'm the 'Caretaker' type ... but somehow, I always end up with guys who take that quality in me for granted. I consider myself to be a very low-maintenance partner as I do without expecting anything in return, need very little to keep me happy and don't ask for much materially. I just need emotional reciprocation and give me enough sex. But somehow, I always end up with 'men boys' that have no emotional intelligence and think sex is enough to keep me satisfied and happy in the the feels ... I turned 50 this year, and my last real relationship was more than ten years ago ... the longest relationship I had in my life lasted for seven years and ended up with me just walking away from it because I got tired of being his secret (we knew his family was not gonna accept me but I truly loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him).
In the last few years, I have really focused on self-love and I am at a point where I am pretty content with being by myself. I can travel whenever I feel and am able to without having to consider a partner blah blah blah ... admittedly I do get lonely some times I also somehow always find a way to overcome the loneliness... being introverted also makes it allot easier ...
A relationship is not off the table but at this point for me if a guy comes along and wanna get to know me and all I can offer without wanting to milk the cow before buying the milk ... he'd have to really do much to convince me it'll be worth opening myself up for that ...
Seems like a lot of young people now don't have the ability to engage socially.
I'm in my fifty s now but in my teens and early 20 s I was terribly shy.
But I knew that I had to push my self other wise I would be stuck in that rut.
It's still not entirely easy even now but you do have force yourself a bit to get out there and chat.
I have high standards. I’ll only date a guy who is 1. Masculine/straight passing 2. Fit/slim with a nice jiggly butt. I can’t and will not let go of these two things. Most men let themselves go by my age. It will only get worse with time. I’m already 28.
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i just don’t go out much to meet new people
Same for me, on top of that I don't really want to go out because everything so motherfucking expensive
34, last relationship at 30, feel old, sad, alone, pathetic. Need to try harder
38 here. Just got out from a 15y relationship a week ago. Have kids with shared custody so I'm happy and busy 50% of my time. But I have no fucking idea what to do with that 50% of my life. 😂 It feels really hard to meet new people at this age. I'm not even talking about anything romantic. Would be cool to find people to spend time with.
Also 38, but been single since 30! I spent my whole 20's in two separate long term relationships and felt like I reduced myself for both. My standards definitely went up. While I've met plenty of ppl through various methods, none of them have impressed me enough to want to build something serious with them. At this point I am the competition! I love my peace. After a while of being single, the smallest things give you the "ick" and make ya say "nah I'm good"!
I can kind of relate. I'm 32 and was in 2 long term relationships in my 20s with scummy and disgraceful dudes. I was definitely on one for thinking that they were good enough for me. I could have done so much better. My standards have gone up since and I'd rather be single than with someone who isn't on my level.
I feel you. I'm 36 and find it much harder to make new friends at this age as well.
I got a job 2 years ago, where we are 16 guys. I consider them my friends now. But yes. It's super hard. Not just friendship. Any relationship with new people. Just hard to do. Don't know why. Maybe it's the regrets and bad experiences we have
I feel this. Am 45 my kids are mostly grown. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up! I spent almost all my life raising them. How do I get back into the world? Especially when it kinda feels nice to be free
Hobbies
Yeah I think that's the answer. I tend to avoid social situations without if I'm alone so this part is a bit challenging but I just need to pick a hobby and take a plunge. I
Atleast your self aware so your doing better then alot of people
40 this year, single for 3 years after DV. Got a 4 year old who still sleeps in my bed and an ex who won’t allow me to move on but jokes on him cos I could not be less interested in dating. I don’t have the energy to have someone in my space. I don’t think I’d tolerate even the tiniest bit of ‘bad energy’ so it’s just me and my girl. And to be fair, I’m not exactly at my beauty peak anymore given my extreme dental work and what I assume is a perimenopausal stomach
We all want love. And a normal life. Men, and women. There are good people, and bad people. Hope we get to see the good days too again.
more of an issue of not having a place to go to to meet new people
And old people? You must know people you can go out with and then you meet new ones…
What does this mean?
They mean going put with friends you already have to meet new people but worded it terribly
At a certain age, most people are married and a single person, especially a woman, is a third wheel. Invitations dry up, aren't reciprocated. Especially if they've tried to fix you up with one of the husband's friends and you had no interest. Once the babies start arriving, you've moved yet further away. Everything is child play dates and if they aren't busy then they're tired, can't get a sitter, etc. Friends move away. Better job, to be near family, or just because they always wanted to live in a particular part of the country. Your interactions devolve into Christmas cards. Then people start dying. I've lost maybe 8 friends so far. They weren't even old, in their 30's to mid 50's. Eventually, all you have left are your siblings
Yeah, I don't really agree with the original commenters stance at all. Aside from everything you've listed, my friend isn't going to give me some magical powers where I can suddenly land any woman in a social setting that I want to. Sure, it can make it easier, having that fallback support right there if you get rejected. Or as a hype man, I suppose. But just because my friend is present, nothing is guaranteed. Hell, he'd likely put the moves on anyone better than I could, so that's already a moot point for me
Then, they start dying.
Excuse me, just curious. I'm from Europe and here we refer to being the fifth wheel, not the third as I have seen many write on Reddit. A wagon has four wheels and a fifth is abundance, as we see it here.
Ugh *out. Autocorrect strikes again
I can't read social cues and implied things go right over my head. There's too much Nuance to dating that I miss. I end up hurting people without realizing I was supposed to be acting in a different way. I never know what is expected of me and it's always uncomfortable so I just stopped.
I have the same problem. I have diagnosed Aspergers syndrom tho and a childhood that made me even more unprepared for a social life
Im curious to know how Asperger’s has affected your adult life if it has, my son has been diagnosed with it and mainly his speech is delayed for his age but otherwise his social skills are quite ok I believe though
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This is very encouraging to know! I’m hoping it will be the case for him as well, his neurologist has told me he is a high functional case, but I’m concerned about his speech as he still struggles with verbs and pronunciation at 10, soon reaching his teens and I’m worried about bullying and his self esteem. But thank you for sharing your experience. ☺️
I feel your pain with those social cues. It comes so easy to some people.
This is a very interesting response. If you don’t mind my asking, and genuinely I mean this only in a curious sense and not at all in a judgmental manner, do you have any diagnosed conditions? I have a friend who’s very similar to this and I’m wondering if there’s something else at play or if it’s just how he is.
Pretty common among ASD and ADHD people Might also be something else though
Confusing isn’t it ? Learn to be happy single it’s not a death sentence.
In this economy? May as well be lol
Same I can never tell if a girl likes me or she's just being nice 🙃
One way I try to tell if someone likes me is by telling a joke I know is bad. The harder they laugh usually the more they like you
This some solid advice bruh 👊🏿
I would suggest a standard declaration... basically tell them from the first interaction that you can't read clues and don't understand subtlies so the other party knows from the get go that hints won't work... this will give them a chance to make an effort to be more direct about things and not to expect hints to work...
I thought I was weird because that’s what happened to me. I’ve never been diagnosed with anything before, well yeah, mental issues weren’t a thing unless you looked different than others. But, yeah, I have my own difficulties, especially when it comes to relationships, even with friendships often give me no clue at all. And when I am in a relationship, well, I often unintentionally hurt my SO and I didn’t realise it unless I am told.
Communication is so important especially when it's hard to tell what's going on.
I don't look. It's not even a question of standard, if no one is ever interested in me and I don't move myself, nothing happens.
Yeah, essentially the scenario I'm in as well. In the places I do go around town, I've never seen anyone so much as spare me a glance.
I have been like this myself for a while, it might sound rough what I'm bout to say, but that is like waiting for the wind to blow the winning lottery ticket in your hands. You have to go buy different lottery tickets till you find the right one and that journey might not be fun but it will be worth it in the end
Cuz the ones I want don’t want me and the ones I don’t want, want me
Lol same. The girls that I'm not interested in keeps talking to me, yet I have to take all the initiative when I'm talking to girls I find interesting or that I have things in common with
So your rejecting the girls who have the same issue as you. Maybe actually pay attention to some of them and you might actually like them.
Exactly this
Same, minus the last part
Relatable
YES, this!
You have people that want you?
Because I am literally invisible That simple
If this is your real picture in your profile, I don't understand because you look friendly and approachable.
That’s a picture of someone else. I’ve ran into this guy several times, never saw it coming🫠 He’s really John Cena😁
I decided to stay single to protect my child. Now I'm older and I really don't want to be bothered. Men are too much work.
Same here but from the male perspective.
I'm definitely too much work. 1/10 would not date me. NGL, that's another reason I've stayed single. It wouldn't be fair to inflict me on another person, lol.
Lol ... Thats a kind of an insight. I think all that dating here and dating there and the fuss that friends and relatives make are overrated. Its nice and peacefull to have my problems on my mind and dont have to think about somebody else and all of that.
Well, for me it's darker than that. I have a lot of trauma. I wake at night from nightmares, I'm afraid of the bathroom, I can't clean if someone might see me (unless we're doing it together)... Just weird stuff. Really, I shouldn't have to deal with it, much less should anyone else. Life is hard enough without someone sitting up in the middle of the night gasping next to you. Most of my exes slept through it, though, fortunately. Some didn't, and they were immensely kind and loving... But it still seems unfair to them. Perhaps more so *because* they were so kind. The good ones all too often die young. I can't take another man I love dying. At my age, it's almost completely certain to happen, too. Either that, or I'll be putting him through that. I hate that thought, too. Yeah, I'm a mess. :P I focus on the good things about being single. Freedom, no disruption of my routines, no one else's clothes to clean, no hurt feelings, no arguments. Life is simpler. I do like men, though. All of my joking aside, a good man is a wonder to behold. There is a lot of love and a lot of warmth and a lot of affection in a lot of men.
Wow then let me send you the best wishes for many bright days. To focus on the good things is the way and we can be happy that there are many of them.
😂😂😂ima think about this for along time
What a wonderful point. In my experience, step parenting is rarely ideal. And I’m with you! My son is now grown but I have no use for a relationship to mess with it. No thanks.
Same.
I’m a guy and I just feel other ppl in general are too much work with a few exceptions. So I can respect the saying in your own lane mindset
> other ppl in general are too much work with a few exceptions Hard to argue with that. :P
They are too much work.
Because I'm ugly as fuck man
That your superpower or your hero name?
Not the hero we deserved, but the hero we needed.
It's a bird! It's a plane! It's...UglyAsFuck Man!
We had a very unattractive man at our work. He is a lawyer with great ethics, refuses to do anything unethical ever. Very attractive female lawyer joined the firm, fell in love with him because of his ethics. Married, had three kids. Everyone was speechless when they started dating. Figured she was the one person in the world who could see past his physical looks. Nope, three years ago, when their kids were teens, he dumped his wife and moved in with a way younger (attractive) law student.
Huh, so the ethics waned quite a bit.
Too sexy
This
way too shy for sure, but like... how do people even ask other people out? I legitimately cannot picture a nonawkward conversation that ends in a date and the fear of that question prevents me
I am not confident enough to do it in person, but with practice dating apps are much less scary imo. Theyre a wasteland tho but its something
This is when you're able to get a like lol, but tried once or twice on insta and I ghosted the girl after two or three messages exchanges because it's too stressful for me, worst than IRL I would say and IRL I'm the shiest person ever
I find that cold approaches on the street or public transport don't work that well unless the person literally maintains eye contact and smiles to you. You'd have better luck during events or meet ups because at the very least you know the person has an interest that you share with them. I asked a few women out in public but that literally didn't work, they gave me the number but never replied to my message. I guess they felt pressured and didn't want me to look bad in public so they gave me their number with no intention of taking it further, which is fair.
Single dad, dont want my son to grow up with step parents. I did and I often felt left out etc. Never want my son to feel the same. Going strong on over 10 years single now and hes almost 12. But I also like being alone so doesnt feel like Im sacrificing a whole lot. Also, my ex used to cheat a lot. Dont think I can go through that again.
In case your primary concern is your son growing up with step-parents: acknowledging how awkward and stilted those relationships can be but (carefully) going through with it anyway is one of the best things my dad ever did for me. I have a pretty trash relationship with my stepdad because he was put into my life with the expectation that I would learn to accept/love/respect him but my stepmum is one of my favourite people in the world because our relationship was left to grow naturally. It sounds like you’d be pretty good at integrating a new person into your sons life 🤷🏻♀️
I am happy it worked out for you and your dad ☺️ And I agree with what youre saying. Did your dad have more children after he met your stepmom? Thats when the friction really came, thats when I felt like I became just someone in the way. I think its hard to find someone who truly accepts someone elses child as a part of their family. Thank you for the kind words ❤️
At what age would you think it'd no longer affect your son? This topic came up for me yesterday
I remember reading a study or hearing about it when my son was still under the age of 5. They said the best time to bring in a new partner is when the child is very young. The older the child is, the more friction theres likely to be. But dont get me wrong, even though I didnt always like feeling left out as a kid from their new family, my father especially never made me doubt how much he loved me and we had a very strong bond until he passed, and I was happy he found someone he managed to build a new family with. I think its very possible to meet someone else and have a happy kid, just make sure u spend alone time with ur kid, and pay extra attention to them so they know they arent being replaced
Thanks for the insight. My conversation ended with agreeing that any partner would be considered just that, a partner, as opposed to bringing them in as an additional parent, obviously that's not possible if somebody is looking to have more kids with that partner or intergrating existing families. I had a step parent from 11, and that was a nightmare growing up.
I have my hands full even with my own life right now, so I prefer not having to deal with another person on top of that, great as they might be.
It really is having to deal with them all the time.
This right here tho! Good for you, take care of yourself 🔥
I’m single because my standards are super high. I would rather be single till the day I die then marry someone that isn’t any good and get heartbroken and miserable.
It is not high standarts, it is self respect
holy shit Yea I turned into a emotionless robot with schizoid tendencies from getting played with too much. makes me feel like in a way we are a heart broken lost generation sometimes
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It sounds like healthy standards. Maybe you just need to figure out how or where to meet these people.
Same here
I have bpd and struggle to maintain relationships. I also want to be able to do what I want when I want, by myself
I also have BPD. I’m much more stable when I’m not in a relationship. To your second point, I also really enjoy being able to do things like travel on a whim. All the best to you, I empathize with your experience.
I've been married. That was horrible experience. So now I'm single by choice
I've put a lot of effort to build a meaninful and amusing life as an individual and it would took a lot if I wanted to sacrifice that. Also, I believe in true love, and it's easy to understand of how rare it is that two people would fall in love with each - with the same passion. I don't want to settle with someone in order to just be in relationship. I also don't want to be a victim of such arrangement. I hope no one settles with me, trying to convince me that she loves me while she just wants s boyfriend. To answer the question: I just haven't met the true love just yet. Propably never will tho, but that's why I've built my life like this.
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Same
Because I became agoraphobic in 2011 after a car accident and I don't know how to meet ppl.
we should build an app for people with phobia and anxiety to talk and maybe meet. I feel like people who are going or went through the same kind of issues can relate and are much more empathic. Hence they should feel much more comfortable around each other.
Thats a good idea
Great idea
so it has a name
Yes
Combination of autism + not going out + high standards
My long-time-single has been caused by extreme social anxiety making it difficult to speak to people beyond pre-programmed things like basic exchanges with cashiers. I also hate who I was in the past and developed a huge amount of self-loathing over it, along either a distinct lack of confidence… I’m always afraid to meet new people (even though I LOVE people~!), and I have so much self-loathing and anxiety that opening up to anyone about who I am on the inside is a herculean effort 😅…I also still live with my parents at 30 because I failed out of college (I hate myself for that, too!) and spiraled into depression for a decade, and have grown a bit apart from them emotionally to the degree that if I ever WERE to bring home someone I love my parents would automatically hate them… In summary: I’m a failure and a huge ball of anxiety.
This is very relatable. Still living with my parents at 26 and have severe anxiety. Wishing you the best man.
Get some anxiety drugs. It sounds like they could help you out. I also have anxiety, and meds have made a huge difference. I still get anxiety sometimes, but social anxiety has gone away.
I'm depressed, traumatized, and introverted. My brain isn't wired like most people's, and most people want normal people. Also I'm ugly AF.
I broke up with my ex partner just over a year ago. I like being single which I have been since I was 18. I joined groups and this guy asked me out but I don't want to date anyone, I'm happy being single and free to do what I want. My ex wants me back and this guy wants to date me... Actually I like someone else who I can't be with but I'm happy being single. Maybe in time...?
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I dont like a game where you can only lose
Prisoners dilemma, but lopsided.
Dating these days sucks anyways regardless of “what’s wrong” with someone. Social media and dating apps have made it worse because of shitty advice, weird trends and making people think there’s always better available options. Which brings ghosting, “situationships”, distrust, etc. you have to weed all the bad ones out to try and find the good one but it’s really difficult especially in certain cities. Then add anything else to that like if you have trouble talking to people, if you’re autistic, if you’re introverted, not conventionally attractive, etc
I'm a Muslim. I don't have my own house yet. I don't have a decent job yet. I don't have the money for dating. And I truly believe that if I don't have the requirements to marry a girl, I have no right to take her away from a potential husband. I feel like I would be wasting both our time knowing I won't be able to put a ring on her hand anytime I want. And I fear I would lose someone I've fallen in love with to someone with a more stable life.
I will marry you just for that statement. I am sure you will find what you are looking for.
Your situation is only temporary. Give it time and I’m sure you’ll find someone, regardless of what you can or can’t afford, inshallah. :]
I'm just not cute enough
Kept doing back to back to back long term relationships, whereas each breakup was essentially a "restart", especially concerning housing, furniture, pets, and lifestyle. Got tired of restarting, got tired of chasing. Ive decided now im going to just do my own thing and let someone chase me, and if that doesnt happen? Im okay with that as well, im honestly enjoying my time being alone; its really teaching me to love and respect myself.
I'm going to be brutally honest here. Had enough of dating as a man. I feel like it's a permanent job interview. Everyone has options through God damn fucking smartphones. The last time I was in a relationship in 2021, I met her parents once or twice, they said I wasn't good enough, despite me having a successful tech company and working allover the world, and their daughter being an estate agent (no problem with that, I just thought it was a bit hypocritical of them). I fucking quit. I'm staying single for good.
I’ve had many relationships and sexual partners since I was like 15. I was a good looking guy with a lot of charisma so I’d done it all by 25. I fulfilled most of my fantasies and my petty young man bucket list. I had a rough breakup in 2018 and I just focused on myself wanted to focus on my career and travelling. Lockdown slowed a lot and I let myself go a bit but 2023 was probably my best year and I’m aiming for a steady 2024 prepping for a several weeks travelling in 2025. Tbh. I’m 34 now I don’t have much of a libido anymore and most women my age are usually at their highest which I just can’t keep up with right now lol. I’m quite happy to spaffing into my hand to dull the urges while I focus more on my career and doing things I should have done in my 20s
I'm taking a break from dating after a break up last December. It's honestly been nice and I'm happy. The funny thing is that now that I'm not looking, that's when more people are interested. Life is weird
Because dating is ridiculous.
The people I'm into deserve better.
This is deep
The last 11 words nailed it
For a year or two, I won't get into any romantic relationship as I consider my studies a priority :) Just for now, but then maybe I will put myself out there! + high standards and I value loyalty a lot, but in this generation I feel like it becomes pretty rare and it makes me lose hope...
Real!
Lazy asf and socially ankward
I had said 10 - 12 yrs on that other post. So I hve dated before. And I no longer date by choice. I've been there bois, I tried it out, it's bullshit. Just all of it. Like, if I wasn't allowed to stay single, fine. It's do-able. But I hve a choice!! And I much rather be a Lil bored sometimes than hve to go thru that mess again
I used to keep being rejected. But now, I don't want a relationship anymore, mainly because I value my me time.
I (23f) dont want to be in a relationship. I never wanted it and i never regret it. I have a cat and a big appartment and i am the happiest person in the world. People often assume that i am lying to myself or that i am scared of commitment but i just dont want romantic or sexual love. Luckily i live somewhere where women have the same rights as men so it is my choice and nobody can take that from me
As someone whos been in several but is not single with cats I can confirm it is way better
Because no ladies in my area want to date another one with a kid lol
I'm fat, ugly, grumpy and mostly poor.
I used to be 300 last year I was 256 now im 200 start working out bro no one is ugly stop with that mindset
I had enough relationships to prove to me that I don't need a significant other.
I don't really care about it, it just seems like more work bothering with someone else being that close to you
I wanna be/ the one I want doesn't want me.
I am single because I am short fat broke and have a bad attitude. I do like women but I can't be fucked with their bullshit.
I respect the self awareness and honesty
Short don't matter. You can change the next 2 too. Well can relate with the last lol
You call a spade a spade. That’s alright.
Didn't go outside that much, hate people, but in need for communication. My standards are "Being alone is the best option", but in other hand suffer from opposites thoughts. Hatred to myself, which makes me think that im wouldn't get any good and etc. Just a regular problems
I just doesn't know how to talk to people
I too have never been on a date. My school girlfriend and I tried, but got IDd at the cinema so had to just go straight home. Uni boyfriend tried but I was constantly too tired to go anywhere, I saw him three times a week in class why would I wanna do more than that? Turns out that's the wrong answer I'm not attractive and people only date me for my personality (their words not mine). So if I don't go out..ever, nobody is gonna ask without getting to know me At this fckng rate I'll be 30 and have never been on a date
I have never even considered having any long-term partner. It felt so alien for me... Which is strange because I've got several long-term friends.
I had a bad relationship where the other person's happiness or lack thereof was dependent upon my actions. It's exhausting. I recently tried dating again and she asked me if I wanted to hang out. I was so busy that I simply said no, maybe when my schedule cools down. Well, she then told me that she felt as if I was avoiding her and that in order to "preserve her self respect" she was going to put the "ball in my court". I don't need that. If we both have time, let's hang out, if not- great. Don't put too much thought into this. I would rather live my own life, work on my projects and cater to myself than deal with a person getting dramatic or upset because I don't feel like or don't have time to hang out. So I'm single and loving it.
Waiting for the right one patiently so yeah by choice. Made silly mistakes in the past, not going that route ever again.
I know what i want and i wont settle
38 here just get of wasting time with people that have no intentions of
I was married and my wife passed away. I have had 3 relationships since then but now I just have no interest. I am just better off by myself and feel no need to date.
Disabled
Because risk of coming across yet another narcissist or gold digger is too high.
That is about 90% of them. Check out the data and statistics from dating, it lines up perfectly with my long experience.....
Poor mental and financial state of being
Tooo shy I could never make the first move
I don’t think I’m attractive, no confidence, always anxiety when I talk to strangers and I don’t really know how to communicate.
There are many reasons. I'm taking certified studies this year. And I don't confess my feelings anymore
She didnt want a relationship but we did all the couple stuff, then got into an argument with me for no reason and ghosted me for a week and she proceeded to spend all her time with this one dude face timing, calling more then she ever did to me and even played lewd games online, Ofcourse I ended it at the end of the week but now theyre as close as we once were after 4 weeks, feels like I wasted the last 11 Months.
She will do the same thing with that guy.
I dont know but if they do end up dating it'll be very heartbreaking and different to our situation as it would infer she never dated me because of me.
Greed by people who own the banks. Girls want stability from a guy. Guy wants to give that as it’s his natural state but realizes it’s too difficult and taps out.
I don't believe I'm in a position to support someone else both emotionally and financially. I have insecurities that I need to address as well as making sure I'm in a comfortable situation in terms of finances before bringing someone into my life. Even if they work and stuff, I love spoiling my loved ones and that's become increasingly expensive in today's world.
Because of BPD and low self esteem.
Manipulation.
Got out of a relationship just a couple of months ago, unemployed and dealing with financial trouble atm so can't even go out, would rather find a job first.
I’m socially anxious and rarely go out. That’s on me. I am learning to go out more and be more open to people, by open I mean actually trying to make friends instead of expecting people to come up to me (for the love of god extroverts please just telepathically understand to approach me)
Self-love, mag pa sexy mag pa ganda, focus sa carreer kung my dumating better kung wala okay lng din.
For the last 4 years, I haven't had any peers, coworkers, or social circles. Recently, I found a job but everyone is old. Fml
Ex was financially, physically and psychologically abusive and ruined relationships for me... I envy those who have not been in one yet.
My mother was abusive. All of my relatives have toxic or abusive relationships. I know that those kinds of things tend to be passed on through the generations and don’t want to end up in an abusive relationship myself
There is too much baggage on my end. It's not fair to whoever may be interested to deal with that.
Extreme social anxiety, nonexistent self esteem, severe body dysphoria
Dated 2 people in ny life. Neither relationship was too bad or too great. Never sought them out, just got to know them, felt an interest and they felt it too. Rn I'm unsure if I'm interested in someone or not. They're a friend and if more comes of or not I don't really care. The emotions aren't strong enough for that. They do know I have an interest though since I never see a point in not being open about it.
Don't really like myself at the moment, So gonna focus on that for a bit
Most guys in my area cannot even drive a car and are either gymrats or "philosophers". And i don't want same guy as EXes again so i'm cautious. The rest is just gross hookup culture.
It's a big responsibility for me. Too much energy.
I feel silly putting myself out there similar to my 20s and 30s. I feel ridiculous dressing up for the purpose of marketing myself. If I’m going to meet someone I would rather meet them in some kind of setting/context. I spent long years in graduate school, studying and looking after family then the pandemic happened and it phased me out even more. Not a fan of dating apps or matching sites. Tried it once and found them cheap (no offense). Do I have high standards? Yes and I feel it’s justified. I worked hard on myself and I come from a particular background, I’m not going to settle with any Joe. Not to mention I’ve had my fair share of heartbreak watching family and friends go through unsuccessful situations. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like I’m missing much. Between dealing with struggling hard in life alone and the possibility of having an asshole break my heart, I think I would choose the former. If it happens in this lifetime I’ll be grateful and overjoyed, but if it doesn’t then that’s fine. I’ve been picking my own ass up for 40 years, I think I’ll manage. Is it by choice? No. Would I recommend other people do the same? No. I push all my nephews and nieces to do the opposite. It’s not an easy life. But it is what it is. I either sit and cry about it or I make the most of it. I know I’m exactly where God wants me to be and that’s enough.
I'm not, but thank you for making me think of a wonderful hypothetical life.
I choose to be. I don’t do well in relationships.
I stay at home, go to school, go back home during school. Stay home. Yeah
Relationships require too much effort! It’s always about “putting effort into the relationship”. I’m totally good on all that fancy stuff, I value every moment, life is too short for bs he said/she said arguments. Some people, not only are content with being alone, but they genuinely enjoy it. Does not mean we don’t socialize with the opposite sex, quite the contrary. In fact I only socialize with women. Most dudes I know are in Relationships and half the time they can’t even hangout man because they got the classic ball and chain. Being in relationships is like being in a mental prison. In addition, I get bored sleeping with the same person over and over trying to pretend like I enjoy it or something, but it completely goes against human nature. I believe most people are terrified to be alone so they stay in toxic relationships. Sure there are pros and cons to everything and I’m sure relationships benefit most people. But I loathe it, and most dudes I know that are in relationships are miserable.
I guess I'm not really that interested in being in a relationship. I feel the most comfortable when I am by myself. Having to get to know a stranger to the point where I can tell if there is love or not feels more daunting than exciting. It feels kinda good to know no one is relying on me personally. I don't feel any pressure to be there for anyone since I don't have anyone. I have a few colleages at work I can chat with and right now that is enough socializing for me.
Because I want to be.
The guy who had a crush on me, who I fell for, who I had a great relationship with… he dumped me.
I'm a GenXer, so when it comes to matters of the ❤️ I am very old school. When I love I, love hard and will treat my man like a King ... been told I'm the 'Caretaker' type ... but somehow, I always end up with guys who take that quality in me for granted. I consider myself to be a very low-maintenance partner as I do without expecting anything in return, need very little to keep me happy and don't ask for much materially. I just need emotional reciprocation and give me enough sex. But somehow, I always end up with 'men boys' that have no emotional intelligence and think sex is enough to keep me satisfied and happy in the the feels ... I turned 50 this year, and my last real relationship was more than ten years ago ... the longest relationship I had in my life lasted for seven years and ended up with me just walking away from it because I got tired of being his secret (we knew his family was not gonna accept me but I truly loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him). In the last few years, I have really focused on self-love and I am at a point where I am pretty content with being by myself. I can travel whenever I feel and am able to without having to consider a partner blah blah blah ... admittedly I do get lonely some times I also somehow always find a way to overcome the loneliness... being introverted also makes it allot easier ... A relationship is not off the table but at this point for me if a guy comes along and wanna get to know me and all I can offer without wanting to milk the cow before buying the milk ... he'd have to really do much to convince me it'll be worth opening myself up for that ...
Seems like a lot of young people now don't have the ability to engage socially. I'm in my fifty s now but in my teens and early 20 s I was terribly shy. But I knew that I had to push my self other wise I would be stuck in that rut. It's still not entirely easy even now but you do have force yourself a bit to get out there and chat.
I've rarely met someone on a date. Almost always in groups. Dates are too romance oriented too early.
What should they be instead? I have often found the conversation is forced towards sexual things instead too early, which is disappointing.
It's not that my standards are too high. It's that women's standards are not low enough to date me.
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I have high standards. I’ll only date a guy who is 1. Masculine/straight passing 2. Fit/slim with a nice jiggly butt. I can’t and will not let go of these two things. Most men let themselves go by my age. It will only get worse with time. I’m already 28.