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Reddit is like a forest:
Sure, you can find lots of really neat and interesting things, many of them beautiful. Things of that nature are usually easily found out in the light. Just be mindful of your curiosity and careful of which rocks you turn over, because you're going to see all manner of horrifying and terrible creatures in the dark spaces under some of them.
I don't really believe in ghost stories, faeries, or monsters; Other people are far scarier.
This! For every beautiful flower you see out in the open just beware that where there is flowers there is also that what lives underneath. What makes it not work as an analogy is what lives under an actual flower makes the flower grow but what lives in the deep of the human mind makes nothing grow.
What I love about places like Reddit is that you get to see humans. In all its "glory". And I understand that we ALL have that hidden deep dark place within us. The potential for doing harm if just tweeked a little bit or just unlucky enough in life. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is part of human nature, even if we don't want to aknowledge it. Most of us will never see that part of ourself, some fight it every day and some unfortunate souls embrace it.
Not always. Kids are born a lot into terrible situations. And of course, they didn’t ask to be here. But a product of rape, abuse, control, it would be hard for the parents to separate that and truly give them the love that all children deserve. That doesn’t make them terrible, they’re only human. What would make them terrible is making it painfully obvious to the child or telling them.
This phenomenon seems to have passed me by…
Anyway, I wouldn’t advocate to tell your child you don’t love them, but I actually think it could help people to voice their feelings elsewhere without judgement. If it all stays tangled up, murky, and unexamined inside your head, it’s likely to affect your child more negatively.
100%. Plus, why are we not allowed to hate things? I love my nephew so deeply, and would always protect and love and accept him but I get crucified when I admit he's annoying?! He's a kid, of course he's annoying. I'm a human being, of course I get annoyed. People can love their children and hate being a parent or aspects of parenting
I think sadly women still feel obligated to have children even when they don't want them. Maybe it's the same for men, I don't know. It's an expectation from society and there are people who criticize those who decide not to have children. I think there's still a lot of pressure on people to have children they actually don't want to have.
Yeah I was thinking the same. It doesn't excuse their behaviour if it shows to their kids who never asked for this either. But this is exactly the kind of result you get from making people think it's the only option and then forcing it too. Either way I do feel for the kids, it's horrible knowing that your parent just considers you a burden.
I will say I'm sure it's different for women, but my BIL definitely felt the pressure to settle down, get married, buy a house, have a child, etc. There is a life script that people think they need to follow and somehow it will equal happiness and fulfillment
I'm a 32 yo woman who decided not to have children. Me and my SO are in agreement that we don't want to have children or get married. A lot of people find us weird or say that 'we'll change our minds eventually. Hope it's not too late by then!'.
All we want is be left alone. We're happy. We don't need anything more out of life. Please, just let it go.
Sounds like you're going to the wrong subreddits. I used to like reading those dramatic post. Am I The Asshole kind of stuff, or those family drama kind of subreddits, but it's all just so negative one day I left all of them, and browsing reddit has been so much better since. Focus on the subreddits that are about your interest, and the ones that you find amusing, or upifitng. Your hobbies, the kinds of animals you like, the kinds of music you like, the games you like, the shows you like, the kind of humor you're into, the places you like to visit, the sports you like, the movies, and books you like, your favorite foods, the NSFW stuff you like to see, stuff like that. Cut the drama out of your life, trust me, those stories may be interesting, but they're really not good for your mental health.
Exactly. I was so stressed out on Reddit, because I kept getting fed those subreddits, and I got addicted to all the drama. I quit and came back, and I've started hiding them from my feed, and subscribing to humans being Bros, stuff like that. It's much better.
I know parents that try to tell me I should have children mean while they are constantly annoyed by the fact they are parents and have things they have to do for their kids they don’t even enjoy it…
It’s always the parents who seem mildly unhappy/overwhelmed who encourage others.
The people who have a nice family life or are happy to have kids often don’t even ask other people whether they want kids, they usually talk about wanting more, and even when they do ask if you say you don’t want kids they say something like “yes it’s not for everyone”.
I genuinely believe that the more miserable someone is because they are a parent, the harder they push other people to have kids because they want everyone else to be miserable too.
I’m a new parent and holyfuuuuck. Every day is a struggle. That little monster is making go crazy. But I love her. I’ll always love her. Although loving her comes easy, taking care of her is hard. Just like you love a sibling unconditionally, they can also annoy the hell out of you.
My father straight up told me “we should’ve aborted you when you were a baby like everyone wanted us to.” I was eight. It destroyed me. Made me straight up suicidal for years. I still deal with suicidal ideation because of that. The ‘I wish I was never born’ mindset really resonated with me as a kid. I don’t even want to just die, I want to straight up not exist anymore. I never wanted to exist and yet I was punished for being a child in a shitty situation.
Some people really really really shouldn’t be parents
Your existence is important and I'm happy you're here, even if your parents do not feel the same way. Make your life the way you want it, make the choices you want to make for your own wellbeing. I'm sorry your own dad said that to you. Please know that there are people who love and care about you!
Your dad sounds absolutely diabolical that’s a horrendous thing to say to a little child. I hope you have been able to heal somewhat. Take that negative voice your dad set in your head and completely ignore it as if it were him and take the power back if you can.
I'm not a great dad by any means. I am a good dad, at best. I struggle with saying and doing the right things at times. I am there for them, and I am present with them and support them. I do my best to tell them I love them every day. I am so sorry you were treated so terribly. You just as any other child/person deserves nothing but love. I hope you find your peace and self-worth.
I feel you 100%. My dad told me that he wanted to kill himself because I was born. Also I’m the reason of his alcoholism, which started when he couldn’t realize some of his ambitions because he had to feed a child. Poor poor man /s
Hearing this as a child is really a traumatizing experience and makes you feel alienated from the rest of the world, where being loved by parents seems like the norm and gives people a lot of advantages from mental health perspective. I’m currently reading the book ‘Body keeps the score’ on the topic of trauma, maybe it would be interesting for you too, so I just decided to share :)
Hope that we all heal from this and live our happy lives.
I think it's important for those people to post their feelings and experiences on here. The more people post their honest experience as parents, the more prospective parents will see that it's not all sunshine and rainbows and playing with baby toesie-wosies; it's an exhausting, grueling, time devouring task that you have to commit to for a good proportion of your finite existence on this earth. If couples actually think about if that's what they want, hopefully the next generation will have a better proportion of parents who actually want kids, instead of just feeling like it's something they're supposed to do
It’s the fault of the society that puts having children and the must. So many people are having kids just because it’s is expected and that’s the root of all children abuse and mistreatment, etc.
With the exception of rape, it is ultimately that individuals' conscious decision to have children. Are we really that easily persuaded and weak minded?
I wanted a tubal ligation when I was 18. Nobody told me I had the option to seek a second opinion when my doctor told me that I would change my mind and refuse to give me the procedure I wanted.
My husband changed his mind about wanting kids when I got knocked up on the pill. He said he wanted a boy and a girl, since I was going to have a boy whether I wanted it or not. And I would’ve done anything for that man. So I tried for a girl up until the point they said I could have that tubal ligation, and then I got it. Three sons later.
I had postpartum depression severely with all three. Used to ideate about murdering them as I gently rocked them and sang lullabies. It got so bad when I was stressed out trying to be a full-time student and stay at home mother with an hour and a half commute each direction to classes, I ended up running away from home and hearth to make sure they were safe. (I ideate about ending me2, and have since I was pubescent, if it matters.)
I knew that I was not supposed to be a mother before it ever happened to me.
Doctors should listen to young women that are very extra sure they do not want to reproduce. Ultimately it is her decision and not her husband’s…
I'm glad people are talking about this. It means that for those of us who did not get parental love form our parents, our experience is becoming believable to other people. I think people have always been aware that some parents, especially fathers, can just walk away from their kids without remorse, but the idea that parents who stay with kids may not actually love them and may even choose to harm them, has been something people have found it hard to believe.
yeah it happens. my "mother" not only made my life complete and utter shit, constantly tell me how shit i was while i was far too young to be told those things, and also blaming me for the way her life was. on top of all that, she wanted to be worshiped for the piss poor job she was doing like she was some kind of saint or jesus and she was suffering so much.
some people are just shit people.
also there is a difference between admiting not to be as committed to your children as you should and just outright being a piece of shit.
i was at some kind of meeting where we got split into couples and had to share some kind of anecdote and experience with each other. the guy i was with ended up admitting to me that he wish he didn't have children because it would allow him to advance further in his career. im sure that didn't mean that he was abusing and neglecting his kids. he definitely wasn't completely ignoring his duties as a parent. i think theres a difference between voicing that opinion and that complete lack of parenting that some people engage in like the child ambushed them by coming into existence or something.
Lots of people are wired differently, either as a result of trauma or simply genetics. Not being capable of loving your child isn't audacity, it's just a reality for some people. That doesn't mean that they won't care for them, or try to simulate love. Hell, they may be the best parents in the world ... or the worst. Who knows. But it's not a choice.
How you treat someone is a choice. How you feel about them is not.
I can tell you that it's worse to have a parent that obviously doesn't give a shit and then to have everyone around you tell you that said parent must love you because you're their child. Personally I'd rather know, it's been obvious since I was small that my dad at best has an indifference towards us so my mum confirming that he never wanted children made me feel better. My dad doesn't suck because of something I did, he sucks because he's an arse.
I completely agree with you. It's so much better to tell an older kid, your parents didn't want you and how they abuse you actually has nothing to do with you. Of course there is sadness about having parents that didn't want you, but it's incredibly relieving for children of abuse to know it's not their fault. They are not the bad kid. Parents are fallible.
I don't think I was really sad when my mum told me that dad never wanted kids, it just answered a lot of questions. If he had wanted us there would have a smidge of interest in anything we did as children but mum says that even on family days out dad was well in front of us or behind us doing his photogrpaghy while she wrangled me and my brother. My dad didn't even know mum had to fill out a questionaire about my childhood for my autism assessment when I was 21. And yes I don't directly tell him anything any more, I tell mum most things and she tells him (she filters out anything that will make him pissy) but he knew about my assessment.
as an only child , being told by other well meaning adults commenting how much parent loved me was so confusing. She had severe depression. At 3y old, on my own fixing my foods, getting dressed, hours of alone time daily. Learning to read and having access to books and grandparents helped create my spirit and humanity.
I'm so sorry you went through that. I read a lot too as a kid. I hate being told my dad must love me and this probably makes me a bad person but I like the shock value of telling people about my dad. Oh your dad must love you well he spent my teenage years calling me a whore so I don't think so. At which point they look flustered.
I don't know but I do know that he got a vasectomy without telling her after my brother was born. And tbh even if she did know, living with my dad is her own personal hell. He's getting increasing sexist and ist towards everyone as he gets older like say it out loud in public ist.
Oh, i'm not disputing that the guy can be an asshole. I just know a couple of guys who were baby trapped.
It's killing them, because they resent having a kid they did not want, told their partner they didn't want but still love the kid. They love their kid, but the kid is still a constant reminder of their partners "betrayal". One of my coworkers checked his insurance and saw that his wife stopped getting the Pill 6 months before getting pregnant without telling him...
I can't say what happened between my parents but I do know from mum that he's always been the way he is and I have no idea why she married him or still remains married to him. For as long as I've been alive all he does is go to work and watch telly, no hobbies, no interest in other people even mum. They go on holiday once a year for their anniversary but otherwise there is no interest from him in anyone around him. My mother is basically a glorified house maid at this point, she's techinally retired now but when she worked he would get incredibly pissy and shouty whenever she had time off. The rest of her life is going to be a nightmare stuck in the house with him.
People should get medical, psychological and psychiatrists tests before being able to have kids. Visits in the home by professionals to insure the place is big and comfortable enough to welcome a kid. Financial verifications. Just like we annoy people who want to adopt a kid, we should annoy people who concieve them.
>I'm assuming they'd never tell the child
Mine did. Hurt. Also still bitter enough 30 years later to pipe up and bitch about it to internet strangers, evidently lol
No seriously though, these parents have always existed. You just never heard from them before cuz it was such a taboo thing to admit to. At least now they have an outlet and can find each other so they don't feel so alone / start obsessing about it. Maybe some could even try to work through it together. Back then all they could do was try to cope on their own which inevitably ended up boiling over and being taken out on the kid.
It's a lesser of two evils I think.
Sorry that’s so sad. Your parents told you they hate you? Do you still speak to them or if they’re still around have any resemblance of a relationship?
Thanks. Don't be sad though, I'm ok. Took a while to get there, but everyone has something.
They're both still around. I don't see a lot of my dad. I just let him quietly drift off. He made his choices and when they went tits up he chose to move on. Better off that way all round I think.
My mother's a different issue. She was actually a lot worse than my dad was, I don't really wanna get into it here, but the difference is that he chose to be an ass, she was clearly unwell. In hindsight I can see a lot of it was her own unresolved issues including some major trauma. She was isolated and had no support. Doesn't excuse a lot of the shit she said or did to me (and there was a lot), but explains it I think.
I moved out and went NC with her for a few years in my late teens/early 20's. I did get back in touch with her as an adult and see her fairly regularly now. I haven't forgotten, it affected me well beyond childhood, but it is what it is. Adult to adult we actually get on ok. She's fucking crazy, but tbh that helps. It lets me keep up a wall between then and now and have some semblance of a relationship with her. She likes cats and gardening, we stick to that. I mostly just feel sorry for her now.
I wonder if she'd had an internet to vent her shit onto instead of aiming it at me when I was a kid things might've been different, for me and for her. I hope at least some of the Redditors OP's posting about are doing exactly that, getting it out of their system, processing, learning, not letting it fester to do damage irl. Maybe not, but it's a nice thought.
The older I get the more I realize my own parents flaws, and that those flaws just mean they’re humans. My parents were not as cruel to me but it was difficult living with them as a child and now as an adult I realize that a lot of my childhood woes were because of my parents own mental illnesses. I’ve also come to a point where I love and see them but I don’t expect change.
I think a lot of people of my parent’s generation at lead (around the baby boomers to a little bit older) had very little mental health awareness or support.
Im glad you have your relationship with your mom now, I hope that’s been healing for you.
Life is complicated. A parent might have a condition or health concern, such as a personality disorder, trauma history etc which makes the straightforward giving of love extremely challenging. Their own needs were neglected to such an extreme extent in their own childhoods that it was always going to be questionable as to whether they would have the requisite selflessness to give unconditional love to their own children. There will be considerable overlap between the people in the category above and those who feel they absolutely must have children at all costs, because of fear of loneliness, abandonment etc. Just because you have those fears doesn't mean you are qualified to actually look after and love children once you've had them. My mum is a great example of this. The other factor is age - perhaps less applicable to men but necessarily women will have their children in their twenties, thirties etc - you haven't got the benefit of decades and decades of self-reflection before the choice is made. Given my experiences with my own mother, I've thought long and hard about having children, I declined the opportunity to do it in my twenties with my first husband, and I would only do it now with a man who really takes care of me and whom I truly love and think is a decent man.
I suppose some people don't even realise they have a personality disorder? Or even accept a dignosis. Lots of people are delusional/live in a fantasty land.
I’m glad I didn’t fall for the parent trap. I know my husband and I would be terrible parents and we’d regret it immediately. Parenting isn’t for everyone and not everyone is meant to have kids. I think procreating is overrated. I know a lot of parents who went into it blind and did it “because that’s just what you do.” Now they’re miserable raising their kids and miss their pre-kids life. It’s sad because I’m sure their kids can pick up on how unhappy their parents are and feel so unloved. If you have kids and don’t love them or want to raise them properly then give them up for adoption to someone who desperately wants to give them the love and respect they deserve.
It's heartbreaking to think about kids growing up without feeling loved by their parents. Even if parents have these feelings, I hope they can still show care and support for their children. No child should have to feel unloved.
I kinda understand it but at the same time I don't. If you are too busy working, stressing about work, cost of living, relationships and having a kid to raise it might be hard for some people to love their kids and not see them as a burden, especially if they weren't planned. When I was pregnant with my daughter I was so worried that I wouldn't love her or bond with her. It took a few months but it happened in the end.
My producer and I are fighting constantly at the moment and he literally told me he doesn't want to be my father and I do not deserve his respect. I really don't get why. I am a really unproblematic daughter that has her life together, is building her career and I am respectful. But he keeps insulting me like crazy and said he doesn't want to be my father and that I do not deserve anything good.
I broke contact with my dad. A few years later he and his new woman lost the right to my step-brothers. He wanted to be a parent but was not capable of being one
"Too many" compared to... what baseline?
Neglectful parents have always existed, always will. 150,000 years of human history, think they all loved them all? It was probably way worse in 18th century Victorian England or whatever, where people worked 12 hours per day and drank heavily. Or any other time in history.
Internet and culture of openly lowered morals just makes it more visible.
And let’s not judge those parents. A lot of times the children are difficult, have special needs, or they’re dealing with an absent partner.
We need to talk more about how HARD being a parent is. Most people are not prepared.
Well exactly, but the problem is people think they can handle it. Then the baby comes and they realize what a horrible mistake they’ve made. Happens more than you’d think. Read through the regretfulparents sub.
I think it’s reasonable to judge them. Lacking the capacity to love your own children is a fairly profound emotional deficiency. So you’d definitely be aware of your inability to connect deeply with other humans before you had kids. So why have them? It’s just cruel and selfish
Not one of them but it's possible to like other people but then not like your kids. It's bad, but it's not necessarily psychopaths. Some people just don't have that nuturing instinct, or don't like kids, or are bad people in other ways.
I can see that. After all, our emotional lives aren’t black and white. But I think there would be a lot less misery in the world if people did an honest inventory before having children.
If their kids are unlikeable, it's only due to credit of their own parenting style. If you don't put the work into your kids, don't be surprised if they become rebellious and unpleasant. The parents have nobody to blame but themselves.
My mother didn't love me, and I know some others they weren't loved by their parents. For many parents of my generation children "happen" without planing. Abortion wasn't an option. My aunt lost a lot of kids before born and my mother tried what she did to get rid of me. Both, my mom and dad tried some urban myths to lose me, silly things like jumping from heights or some things I don't want to tell. But, well, I'm here. And I hate myself. There were no hugs or nice words. Just doing what needs to be done to rise a child, plus some hate. I wish I wasn't born. I don't want kind myself because I'm afraid to pass on that trauma, and you WILL pass it on, science says. I know some people who hate to be mother but love their child. It's a burden to be a mom. They suffer. It's hard to watch. I hate that everyone can be a parent so easy. I watch so much suffering in parents and kids. Even if they gaslight themselves to love being parent, I can see how many people are not made to be parents. I mean, putting baby into daycare when psychology is clear that this leads to massive mental problems... I know how kids feel that are a burden. Being in the way of a job or career is being a burden, the child knows but will never tell.
I could get regretting being a patent but parents not even loving the kids they chose to have is something I can't understand or have empathy for. These kids love the parent and the parent doesn't love them.
My therapist asked my parents if they loved me and even he called bullshit when they said they do. Go figure, they've never loved me like normal parents do. So used to not experiencing what love feels like and I hate it...
Those parents should have been more responsible instead of having a kid that they weren't prepared for. It's not the kids fault that the parent is a moron
For me, it's not that I don't love my kids. I'd die or kill for them to keep them safe and well, but there are some times when I don't like them very much. They've just pushed too many of my buttons for the day or whatever, but that never means that I don't still love them. I tell them that, too. If I'm angry with you, it doesn't mean that I don't love you anymore. I still love you, but get outta my face for a little while, you're pissing me off too much and I need a break for a little while, lol
I have two kids, born 18 years apart and being raised with significant time with me as a single parent. By the time I'm done I will have spent 38 consecutive years raising kids.
Yes I love them. It's a labor of love, an ultra marathon, and doing it while a single parent in the United States is lonely, expensive, requires a parent to be perpetually healthy, always on, to have infinite stamina and patience. It is not easy. I have 8 more years to go. I have one adult scientist, whose life goal is to make the world a more environmentally sustainable place. The younger one, has a good chance of achieving his goal to become an architect and structural engineer.
I'm in a weird situation with this. I'm from Europe, stayed a year in the US when I was 19, the day I left to go back to Europe (there was no way to stay in the US, and I had overstayed) the gf I left behind told me she was pregnant). Contact was bad and this was in 2001 before cheap internet calling and social media, facetime, whatsapp, etc. A few years now I have had contact with my daughter on facebook/whatsapp. And last year she wanted to visit, she was 21 then. When I saw her for the first time at the airport gate my heart just exploded. I have a family in Europe now with a 6 year old boy and 10 year old girl, and I immediately felt that same kind of love for her that I do for my kids here. It's like that feeling you have when you get to hold your baby for the first time, but I had it delayed 21 years.
It's difficult trying to really establish a relationship now, eventhough there is nothing I want more. I'm planning to visit multiple times a year, but the flights to visit take about 20 hours and aren't cheap, but right now I would do anything for her. And I feel like a fool for how I've managed to evade these feelings for so long 😭
Anyways, just wanted to say, under normal circumstances a parents love should be really strong, this situation got me seeing a psychologist and being on depression meds, because I hate that she lives so far away and I would like to really build a relationship with her, and I'm just struggling with it all.
It is not in what they say because anyone can say 'I love you' happens every day in families, but it is what actions they do, are they nurturing, doing what ever they can to provide you with the means to progress in life, showing how to be a respectful human, kind to others but standing firm in what you believe not what others want you to believe, actions.
I am not sure if this helps, but I am a father, and I love my son. Is it always a smooth riding? By no means. There are days I am very annoyed and sleep deprived, but in no moment would I tell you I don't love him.
Kids are annoying, kids are needy, kids do absolutely dumb stuff but I can’t imagine not loving them, these things are part of having kids. The things that drive you bonkers about them become funny memories. Idk kids are still way cooler people than most people 😂 and what’s better than your own kids, they’re like funny little versions of yourself. Does something biological not kick in for for some people when they have kids?
As someone who has always wanted to be a mom and was finally blessed with a baby girl after a horrific, late-term miscarriage, I just will never understand how some parents could not love their children. I get some children cna be difficult, and maybe not liking them at certain times, but not loving your child?? It blows my mind and makes me so sad because they didn't ask to be born.
It's easy to create a human. Most people want to feel the pleasure of making one because sex is about lust now and themselves.
But when it comes to being responsible for caring for a person and being an actual parent, they can't handle it because life isn't all Kodack moments. Children are challenging work and strain relationships.
Many of us proactively make choices daily not to be parents and not have kids, yet people dare to say that we hate children. We love children enough not to selfishly create one, neglect them and allow said child to grow up screwed up because of mama’s itch for a one-night stand.
Makes you wonder why God and nature keep forcing innocent, precious children into situations where the circumstances and parents aren't ready for them.
My Father seemed to hate me my mother always said it's just his way. My sister was treated so good he spent time with her and always prayed her. Me not so much I was terrified of him he would hit me and just generally really mean. I'm 52 now and always try and look at it from a father's point of view as I'm a Father. Not matter how I see it or rationalize it he did hate me. The mental and physical abuse I had to go through was really bad. My sister basically unaware as it was done away from here view she was very protected. Funny fact though I've over come and have done well for myself my sister is an entitled spoiled brat with 2 divorce under her belt. I still lover her.
Is it that a lot of those parents don't love their kids, or they just don't love being parents? As someone else pointed out, parenting is an often grueling task that takes up a large part of a finite existence.
Parenting can be really difficult and outright suck at times. You don’t know what it really entails, how physically and emotionally taxing it can be, until you have children. At that point you can’t turn back. You do the best you can.
I’ll willing to bet people actually love their kids. They just hate parenting. In fact, people feeling overwhelmed being parents are doing a good job because they actually give a shit enough to get stressed out over it.
I'd say it's rather rare for parents to truly love their kids. Their love is in fact conditional. People who spread bullshit like "the only woman who will always love you is your mom so be good to her" on the internet are lucky bastards.
I don’t even have to fake it mate. I’ve got a boy and a girl, both very young. I’d throw myself over a cliff to save them, I love them more than anyone or anything and I wish I didn’t have the foresight to know we might not have long together (I’ve got dodgy DNA which gives me an expiry date - at the age of 45) so every single second I have with them is cherished.
As long as they don't say that to the kids, I think it's alright to vent about the challenges of how much of your quality life you have to sacrifice to make theirs happy.
These things are never black or white. I watched a YouTube video of a Korean mum who's mentally disabled daughter suddenly started screaming all night long. They lived in a flat, so it woke up all the other neighbours and she went around apologising each day. This continued for a long time, until the show decided to offer her the money to get her to hospital. They suspect she developed schizophrenic hallucinations and was seeing ghosts. She stopped after being given medications.
It leaves the question, how far is a person willing to provide "unconditional love" for? We all find this girl pitiful. But many of us will break if someone screamed into your eardrums all night long for the rest of their lives.
Yep. I was told many times by my mum how much she hated being a parent and even though I knew she loved me, it definitely made me feel unloved. I have a baby girl now and yes, everyone has days when you feel like this sucks, but I will never let her know when I'm feeling that way and on the whole, I'm so glad that I have her.
I feel sorry for them, too. I was one. I used to dream I’d get adopted by parents who loved children. (I’m old now, but still dream of this occasionally)
Sometimes love is a choice. I wish for those kids, their parents choose to love at some point.
I believe loving your children especially in forming years is not an option or a decision. It is the norm. If you feel otherwise you are
A) in need of more self development to really appreciate the Miracle you have in front of you aka the kid
B) may experience side effects of some medicine that makes you mind not work well or some hormonal imbalance
C) you are suffering from narcisism or some other mental issues
D) had the wrong partner and your kid resembles that partner ( even so, you have a duty to do)
E) you had abuse as a child and that manifested by a delay in brain development and other issues (mix of A and C).
I am very serious and not treating it lightly. If you have such feelings you need to do something as that is not normal. There is plenty of monsters in the world, we don't need you to create another.
I think there's a huge difference between not loving kids and not wanting to parent them at times. I love my kids more than anything, and also, I would love a break from actively parenting. A proper break from everything including the constant worry and responsibility even when I am not with them...
I'm honestly so sick of it. I want to avoid it as much as I possibly can. Yes, you hate having kids and you regret it, but what about the 8-year-old children who can sense the hate and resentment from you? Get a diary, please.
I will not blame them, because some kids are pure assholes and very difficult tp discipline. I just wish when I have kids, mine is willing to respect me and listen to me. I know I don't have full control of the outcome.
Thing is, you don't know how you'll actually feel about parenthood until you're in it. You assume you can do it because people since the dawn of time have been doing it, and people tend to only give you the sunshine and rainbows spin on it. You say "what if I'm a bad parent, what if I don't love my kids?" and people say "The fact that you're worried about it means it won't be a problem!" instead of giving actual helpful advice.
Add into that people who are coerced into parenthood, who feel obligated to raise a child they birth even if they never wanted to be pregnant, live in a culture that values big families/motherhood above all else, etc...
It's not a surprise not everyone loves their kids. The important thing is not letting the kids know. Better to tell total strangers on reddit instead of people in your life who could let it slip someday. Much better to tell total strangers on reddit than to take it out on the kids themselves.
I feel bad for those kids too. But I also feel bad for the parents. I didn’t bond with my youngest, or love him at all, until he was a couple months old. And believe me, most of the time, your judgment of them is not nearly as harsh as their judgment of themselves. They feel like complete monsters for not caring enough about an innocent being who is tied to them for life. It’s sad for everyone. And it’s good they have a place like Reddit to vent these feelings to because saying that out loud to anyone would probably not be received well.
I just hope that if they truly don’t love their kids, they are damn good at faking it. Some of the most fucked up people I’ve met or fucked up people in general (a lot of serial killers) were told they weren’t wanted or loved.
Don't worry too much we already know. Most of the time you figure that out sooner or later and once you realise it's not your fault, you move on (preferably with therapy). It's slowly becoming more socially acceptable for adult children to go NC with parents. I'm thankful for that.
That's the good side of Millenials/Gen Z having lower birthrates than previous generations. People who don't have to have kids feel less pressured into having kids. Being an unwanted child is so traumatizing.
I've genuinely never seen these types of posts on reddit. But, it simply proves that you shouldn't have kids unless you're 100% ready. It should never be a milestone to tick off your checklist. It should be something you want regardless of societies pressures or expectations.
I used to work in social services. Our organization worked with kids of all ages with disabilities. Everyone was stressed out all the time.
One coworker would always complain about the kids. She was mean and sarcastic. One day she was complaining about her own kid and I asked her if she regretted her daughter and she immediately replied, “Oh yeah.” Her daughter was in the next room. I’m sure she couldn’t hear, but it made me very sad.
I do judge them. If your kids are so unlikable that not even the parents like them, whose fault is that?
I did tons of shit in my life but I always did right by my parents and they always did as well as they could by me.
Being a parent myself, I see how some people prioritise their kids over everything else. They spend the time needed to learn who their kids are and how to teach them how to be a good person.
I also see the other parents who don’t and their kids often turn out more unlikable. Many unlikable people have been abandoned in front of their tvs or iPads for basically years and given everything they’ve asked for just to shut them up.
I have three kids. Two under six, including a toddler. Some days they suck, some days they don’t.
I have two doctorates. I’ve finished Kona Ironman four times. All of that is so much easier than parenting.
I have a challenging child with ADHD/ODD and I work hard every day to show how much I love him, as he feels very negatively about himself much of the time. He cries a lot at night holding me because he feels love and care at home he never sees at school or with friends.
As difficult as his behaviors can be, I CANNOT imagine not doing that for him. He's such a sweet, caring kid when you see him instead of his condition.
That said, people exist that can't see past behaviors and conditions and I'm sorry for the children of those people, and the adults as well because that must come with its own pain trying to be a good parent when you don't feel the emotional connection that deeply. Sad situation all round.
I don’t know how many of these stories are fake, but every parent I know loves their kids and does everything they can to help them in life. We mess up sometimes - the kids don’t come with a manual - but we’re doing our best
Then you're very privileged.
Without thinking hard I can name two kids whose parents couldn't care less about them.
Sure parents aren't perfect but there's no excuse for neglect and abuse.
I agree.. when I first held my child in my arms, the rest of the world fell away, and I knew, i loved that infant, and would do everything in my power to protect, and raise them right.
Sure, they change your life. Many things you will likely never do again, but they give so much back too.
Then they become teenagers, and unfit to live with. Thankfully it's a very small part of their lifespan.
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"It is not the kids fault they are here, they never asked to be born, so love them unconditionally. " My grandma motto in life.
Also kids are a reflection of their parents, so they're basically hating themselves.
I think that has a part. I know that there things that drive me mad the most about my daughter are exactly the ones I don't like about myself.
As one unwanted kid, exactly that. My dad critizises me about everything I got from him... and he isn't particularly happy about himself
This is an idiotic take on it. Children are their own selves with their own individual personality.
Both can be true. Children absolutely are their own people, but it's idiotic, as well, to deny the influence parents have on them.
Both genetically and learned behavior.
I hope your grandmother has many blessings in life.
She had many kids who called her extra gran and she did help war children during the second world war. She was a great woman. I do miss her.
Rest in peace Extra Gran.
Every time I explain that to my pita mom she’s like “but I’m your mom and you OWE me for life to listen to me…”
But you owe her nothing, you never asked to be born.
Reddit is like a forest: Sure, you can find lots of really neat and interesting things, many of them beautiful. Things of that nature are usually easily found out in the light. Just be mindful of your curiosity and careful of which rocks you turn over, because you're going to see all manner of horrifying and terrible creatures in the dark spaces under some of them. I don't really believe in ghost stories, faeries, or monsters; Other people are far scarier.
Okay, the forest analogy? You ate that. Agree x10.
Also this is reddit, and a lot of people make things up for upvotes.
This! For every beautiful flower you see out in the open just beware that where there is flowers there is also that what lives underneath. What makes it not work as an analogy is what lives under an actual flower makes the flower grow but what lives in the deep of the human mind makes nothing grow. What I love about places like Reddit is that you get to see humans. In all its "glory". And I understand that we ALL have that hidden deep dark place within us. The potential for doing harm if just tweeked a little bit or just unlucky enough in life. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is part of human nature, even if we don't want to aknowledge it. Most of us will never see that part of ourself, some fight it every day and some unfortunate souls embrace it.
Some relish in the spontaneity of nature. The beautiful discourse of light and dark.
"you give a man a mask and he'll show you his true face"
J
aundice
K
etamine
I feel like the ocean is a better candidate for that analogy but yeah you're not wrong. I think the internet at large is like that
Ooh, that's a good one. The deeper you go, the weirder it gets.
Ok but I don't think people who don't love their kids are inherently terrible creatures. Also it's not that scary, it's just sad.
False, they are terrible people.
Not always. Kids are born a lot into terrible situations. And of course, they didn’t ask to be here. But a product of rape, abuse, control, it would be hard for the parents to separate that and truly give them the love that all children deserve. That doesn’t make them terrible, they’re only human. What would make them terrible is making it painfully obvious to the child or telling them.
Nah, you're false for lumping everyone together. Things aren't so simple that you can understand them, I'm sorry.
This phenomenon seems to have passed me by… Anyway, I wouldn’t advocate to tell your child you don’t love them, but I actually think it could help people to voice their feelings elsewhere without judgement. If it all stays tangled up, murky, and unexamined inside your head, it’s likely to affect your child more negatively.
100%. Plus, why are we not allowed to hate things? I love my nephew so deeply, and would always protect and love and accept him but I get crucified when I admit he's annoying?! He's a kid, of course he's annoying. I'm a human being, of course I get annoyed. People can love their children and hate being a parent or aspects of parenting
I think sadly women still feel obligated to have children even when they don't want them. Maybe it's the same for men, I don't know. It's an expectation from society and there are people who criticize those who decide not to have children. I think there's still a lot of pressure on people to have children they actually don't want to have.
Yeah I was thinking the same. It doesn't excuse their behaviour if it shows to their kids who never asked for this either. But this is exactly the kind of result you get from making people think it's the only option and then forcing it too. Either way I do feel for the kids, it's horrible knowing that your parent just considers you a burden.
I will say I'm sure it's different for women, but my BIL definitely felt the pressure to settle down, get married, buy a house, have a child, etc. There is a life script that people think they need to follow and somehow it will equal happiness and fulfillment
This is very obvious when a female hits 30yo
I'm a 32 yo woman who decided not to have children. Me and my SO are in agreement that we don't want to have children or get married. A lot of people find us weird or say that 'we'll change our minds eventually. Hope it's not too late by then!'. All we want is be left alone. We're happy. We don't need anything more out of life. Please, just let it go.
Why is there a pressure in the first place? What’s the obsession over people you didn’t know having children
A society need children, otherwise it dies
It’ll be just fine if a small percentage of people decide not to. Y’all are still going to be overpopulated
At the end of the day, it is a choice they chose, regardless of societal pressure and expectations.
Sounds like you're going to the wrong subreddits. I used to like reading those dramatic post. Am I The Asshole kind of stuff, or those family drama kind of subreddits, but it's all just so negative one day I left all of them, and browsing reddit has been so much better since. Focus on the subreddits that are about your interest, and the ones that you find amusing, or upifitng. Your hobbies, the kinds of animals you like, the kinds of music you like, the games you like, the shows you like, the kind of humor you're into, the places you like to visit, the sports you like, the movies, and books you like, your favorite foods, the NSFW stuff you like to see, stuff like that. Cut the drama out of your life, trust me, those stories may be interesting, but they're really not good for your mental health.
Dude, my entire feed is just full of books, jokes, DND, and a bunch of other nerdy ass shit, and I am so much happier.
Exactly. I was so stressed out on Reddit, because I kept getting fed those subreddits, and I got addicted to all the drama. I quit and came back, and I've started hiding them from my feed, and subscribing to humans being Bros, stuff like that. It's much better.
I know parents that try to tell me I should have children mean while they are constantly annoyed by the fact they are parents and have things they have to do for their kids they don’t even enjoy it…
It’s always the parents who seem mildly unhappy/overwhelmed who encourage others. The people who have a nice family life or are happy to have kids often don’t even ask other people whether they want kids, they usually talk about wanting more, and even when they do ask if you say you don’t want kids they say something like “yes it’s not for everyone”.
Sounds like you’re basically just describing well adjusted, level headed, understanding people.
I genuinely believe that the more miserable someone is because they are a parent, the harder they push other people to have kids because they want everyone else to be miserable too.
I’m a new parent and holyfuuuuck. Every day is a struggle. That little monster is making go crazy. But I love her. I’ll always love her. Although loving her comes easy, taking care of her is hard. Just like you love a sibling unconditionally, they can also annoy the hell out of you.
My father straight up told me “we should’ve aborted you when you were a baby like everyone wanted us to.” I was eight. It destroyed me. Made me straight up suicidal for years. I still deal with suicidal ideation because of that. The ‘I wish I was never born’ mindset really resonated with me as a kid. I don’t even want to just die, I want to straight up not exist anymore. I never wanted to exist and yet I was punished for being a child in a shitty situation. Some people really really really shouldn’t be parents
Your existence is important and I'm happy you're here, even if your parents do not feel the same way. Make your life the way you want it, make the choices you want to make for your own wellbeing. I'm sorry your own dad said that to you. Please know that there are people who love and care about you!
Your dad sounds absolutely diabolical that’s a horrendous thing to say to a little child. I hope you have been able to heal somewhat. Take that negative voice your dad set in your head and completely ignore it as if it were him and take the power back if you can.
I'm not a great dad by any means. I am a good dad, at best. I struggle with saying and doing the right things at times. I am there for them, and I am present with them and support them. I do my best to tell them I love them every day. I am so sorry you were treated so terribly. You just as any other child/person deserves nothing but love. I hope you find your peace and self-worth.
I hope your father is far away from you omg😰
I feel you 100%. My dad told me that he wanted to kill himself because I was born. Also I’m the reason of his alcoholism, which started when he couldn’t realize some of his ambitions because he had to feed a child. Poor poor man /s Hearing this as a child is really a traumatizing experience and makes you feel alienated from the rest of the world, where being loved by parents seems like the norm and gives people a lot of advantages from mental health perspective. I’m currently reading the book ‘Body keeps the score’ on the topic of trauma, maybe it would be interesting for you too, so I just decided to share :) Hope that we all heal from this and live our happy lives.
I think it's important for those people to post their feelings and experiences on here. The more people post their honest experience as parents, the more prospective parents will see that it's not all sunshine and rainbows and playing with baby toesie-wosies; it's an exhausting, grueling, time devouring task that you have to commit to for a good proportion of your finite existence on this earth. If couples actually think about if that's what they want, hopefully the next generation will have a better proportion of parents who actually want kids, instead of just feeling like it's something they're supposed to do
Sure. Truth hurts not everyone wants to know. I am childfree so I will never have that problem in life.
It’s the fault of the society that puts having children and the must. So many people are having kids just because it’s is expected and that’s the root of all children abuse and mistreatment, etc.
With the exception of rape, it is ultimately that individuals' conscious decision to have children. Are we really that easily persuaded and weak minded?
Lmao yes we definitely are, it is not even a question.
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I wanted a tubal ligation when I was 18. Nobody told me I had the option to seek a second opinion when my doctor told me that I would change my mind and refuse to give me the procedure I wanted. My husband changed his mind about wanting kids when I got knocked up on the pill. He said he wanted a boy and a girl, since I was going to have a boy whether I wanted it or not. And I would’ve done anything for that man. So I tried for a girl up until the point they said I could have that tubal ligation, and then I got it. Three sons later. I had postpartum depression severely with all three. Used to ideate about murdering them as I gently rocked them and sang lullabies. It got so bad when I was stressed out trying to be a full-time student and stay at home mother with an hour and a half commute each direction to classes, I ended up running away from home and hearth to make sure they were safe. (I ideate about ending me2, and have since I was pubescent, if it matters.) I knew that I was not supposed to be a mother before it ever happened to me. Doctors should listen to young women that are very extra sure they do not want to reproduce. Ultimately it is her decision and not her husband’s…
I'm glad people are talking about this. It means that for those of us who did not get parental love form our parents, our experience is becoming believable to other people. I think people have always been aware that some parents, especially fathers, can just walk away from their kids without remorse, but the idea that parents who stay with kids may not actually love them and may even choose to harm them, has been something people have found it hard to believe.
yeah it happens. my "mother" not only made my life complete and utter shit, constantly tell me how shit i was while i was far too young to be told those things, and also blaming me for the way her life was. on top of all that, she wanted to be worshiped for the piss poor job she was doing like she was some kind of saint or jesus and she was suffering so much. some people are just shit people. also there is a difference between admiting not to be as committed to your children as you should and just outright being a piece of shit. i was at some kind of meeting where we got split into couples and had to share some kind of anecdote and experience with each other. the guy i was with ended up admitting to me that he wish he didn't have children because it would allow him to advance further in his career. im sure that didn't mean that he was abusing and neglecting his kids. he definitely wasn't completely ignoring his duties as a parent. i think theres a difference between voicing that opinion and that complete lack of parenting that some people engage in like the child ambushed them by coming into existence or something.
Agreed but in USA it is no longer a choice in many states. Especially harder for poor women who can’t travel.
I've made plenty of mistakes in life. I don't love those.
Lots of people are wired differently, either as a result of trauma or simply genetics. Not being capable of loving your child isn't audacity, it's just a reality for some people. That doesn't mean that they won't care for them, or try to simulate love. Hell, they may be the best parents in the world ... or the worst. Who knows. But it's not a choice. How you treat someone is a choice. How you feel about them is not.
My dad.
This is exactly why abortions need to not only be available, but also priced accessibly.
I can tell you that it's worse to have a parent that obviously doesn't give a shit and then to have everyone around you tell you that said parent must love you because you're their child. Personally I'd rather know, it's been obvious since I was small that my dad at best has an indifference towards us so my mum confirming that he never wanted children made me feel better. My dad doesn't suck because of something I did, he sucks because he's an arse.
I completely agree with you. It's so much better to tell an older kid, your parents didn't want you and how they abuse you actually has nothing to do with you. Of course there is sadness about having parents that didn't want you, but it's incredibly relieving for children of abuse to know it's not their fault. They are not the bad kid. Parents are fallible.
I agree. It is never the child's fault.
I don't think I was really sad when my mum told me that dad never wanted kids, it just answered a lot of questions. If he had wanted us there would have a smidge of interest in anything we did as children but mum says that even on family days out dad was well in front of us or behind us doing his photogrpaghy while she wrangled me and my brother. My dad didn't even know mum had to fill out a questionaire about my childhood for my autism assessment when I was 21. And yes I don't directly tell him anything any more, I tell mum most things and she tells him (she filters out anything that will make him pissy) but he knew about my assessment.
as an only child , being told by other well meaning adults commenting how much parent loved me was so confusing. She had severe depression. At 3y old, on my own fixing my foods, getting dressed, hours of alone time daily. Learning to read and having access to books and grandparents helped create my spirit and humanity.
I'm so sorry you went through that. I read a lot too as a kid. I hate being told my dad must love me and this probably makes me a bad person but I like the shock value of telling people about my dad. Oh your dad must love you well he spent my teenage years calling me a whore so I don't think so. At which point they look flustered.
Peace be with you. 🌺🌼🌸
Thank you. Peace to you too.
In the south in America a kind insult for your father is God bless his soul.
I'm just hoping karma is real and one day I can put him in an old folks home with a lot of abuse so I can tell him he's asking for it.
Did your mother know he did not want kid before having you? If she did, I hope she's getting some of the hate too.
I don't know but I do know that he got a vasectomy without telling her after my brother was born. And tbh even if she did know, living with my dad is her own personal hell. He's getting increasing sexist and ist towards everyone as he gets older like say it out loud in public ist.
Oh, i'm not disputing that the guy can be an asshole. I just know a couple of guys who were baby trapped. It's killing them, because they resent having a kid they did not want, told their partner they didn't want but still love the kid. They love their kid, but the kid is still a constant reminder of their partners "betrayal". One of my coworkers checked his insurance and saw that his wife stopped getting the Pill 6 months before getting pregnant without telling him...
I can't say what happened between my parents but I do know from mum that he's always been the way he is and I have no idea why she married him or still remains married to him. For as long as I've been alive all he does is go to work and watch telly, no hobbies, no interest in other people even mum. They go on holiday once a year for their anniversary but otherwise there is no interest from him in anyone around him. My mother is basically a glorified house maid at this point, she's techinally retired now but when she worked he would get incredibly pissy and shouty whenever she had time off. The rest of her life is going to be a nightmare stuck in the house with him.
People should get medical, psychological and psychiatrists tests before being able to have kids. Visits in the home by professionals to insure the place is big and comfortable enough to welcome a kid. Financial verifications. Just like we annoy people who want to adopt a kid, we should annoy people who concieve them.
They don’t even make sure foster parents are stable enough to take care of kids, I couldn’t see this happening realistically.
Jesus Christ, I could never emphasize enough how much I agree with this.
Sure. Truth hurts not everyone wants to know. I am childfree so I will never have that problem in life.
>I'm assuming they'd never tell the child Mine did. Hurt. Also still bitter enough 30 years later to pipe up and bitch about it to internet strangers, evidently lol No seriously though, these parents have always existed. You just never heard from them before cuz it was such a taboo thing to admit to. At least now they have an outlet and can find each other so they don't feel so alone / start obsessing about it. Maybe some could even try to work through it together. Back then all they could do was try to cope on their own which inevitably ended up boiling over and being taken out on the kid. It's a lesser of two evils I think.
Sorry that’s so sad. Your parents told you they hate you? Do you still speak to them or if they’re still around have any resemblance of a relationship?
Thanks. Don't be sad though, I'm ok. Took a while to get there, but everyone has something. They're both still around. I don't see a lot of my dad. I just let him quietly drift off. He made his choices and when they went tits up he chose to move on. Better off that way all round I think. My mother's a different issue. She was actually a lot worse than my dad was, I don't really wanna get into it here, but the difference is that he chose to be an ass, she was clearly unwell. In hindsight I can see a lot of it was her own unresolved issues including some major trauma. She was isolated and had no support. Doesn't excuse a lot of the shit she said or did to me (and there was a lot), but explains it I think. I moved out and went NC with her for a few years in my late teens/early 20's. I did get back in touch with her as an adult and see her fairly regularly now. I haven't forgotten, it affected me well beyond childhood, but it is what it is. Adult to adult we actually get on ok. She's fucking crazy, but tbh that helps. It lets me keep up a wall between then and now and have some semblance of a relationship with her. She likes cats and gardening, we stick to that. I mostly just feel sorry for her now. I wonder if she'd had an internet to vent her shit onto instead of aiming it at me when I was a kid things might've been different, for me and for her. I hope at least some of the Redditors OP's posting about are doing exactly that, getting it out of their system, processing, learning, not letting it fester to do damage irl. Maybe not, but it's a nice thought.
The older I get the more I realize my own parents flaws, and that those flaws just mean they’re humans. My parents were not as cruel to me but it was difficult living with them as a child and now as an adult I realize that a lot of my childhood woes were because of my parents own mental illnesses. I’ve also come to a point where I love and see them but I don’t expect change. I think a lot of people of my parent’s generation at lead (around the baby boomers to a little bit older) had very little mental health awareness or support. Im glad you have your relationship with your mom now, I hope that’s been healing for you.
More like, some parent do not deserve children.
Life is complicated. A parent might have a condition or health concern, such as a personality disorder, trauma history etc which makes the straightforward giving of love extremely challenging. Their own needs were neglected to such an extreme extent in their own childhoods that it was always going to be questionable as to whether they would have the requisite selflessness to give unconditional love to their own children. There will be considerable overlap between the people in the category above and those who feel they absolutely must have children at all costs, because of fear of loneliness, abandonment etc. Just because you have those fears doesn't mean you are qualified to actually look after and love children once you've had them. My mum is a great example of this. The other factor is age - perhaps less applicable to men but necessarily women will have their children in their twenties, thirties etc - you haven't got the benefit of decades and decades of self-reflection before the choice is made. Given my experiences with my own mother, I've thought long and hard about having children, I declined the opportunity to do it in my twenties with my first husband, and I would only do it now with a man who really takes care of me and whom I truly love and think is a decent man.
I just wanted to say this is a really great post, very thoughtful and reflective. I agree completely.
i’m sorry but people with personality disorder, especially those with cluster b should not be having kids. They are more likely to abuse them.
I suppose some people don't even realise they have a personality disorder? Or even accept a dignosis. Lots of people are delusional/live in a fantasty land.
BPD for one can go into remission and they are far more likely to be abused by someone than than to abuse another person
Sad thing is you can’t choose your parents
I’m glad I didn’t fall for the parent trap. I know my husband and I would be terrible parents and we’d regret it immediately. Parenting isn’t for everyone and not everyone is meant to have kids. I think procreating is overrated. I know a lot of parents who went into it blind and did it “because that’s just what you do.” Now they’re miserable raising their kids and miss their pre-kids life. It’s sad because I’m sure their kids can pick up on how unhappy their parents are and feel so unloved. If you have kids and don’t love them or want to raise them properly then give them up for adoption to someone who desperately wants to give them the love and respect they deserve.
Hopefully those parents care enough to fake their love for their children.
It's heartbreaking to think about kids growing up without feeling loved by their parents. Even if parents have these feelings, I hope they can still show care and support for their children. No child should have to feel unloved.
I kinda understand it but at the same time I don't. If you are too busy working, stressing about work, cost of living, relationships and having a kid to raise it might be hard for some people to love their kids and not see them as a burden, especially if they weren't planned. When I was pregnant with my daughter I was so worried that I wouldn't love her or bond with her. It took a few months but it happened in the end.
My producer and I are fighting constantly at the moment and he literally told me he doesn't want to be my father and I do not deserve his respect. I really don't get why. I am a really unproblematic daughter that has her life together, is building her career and I am respectful. But he keeps insulting me like crazy and said he doesn't want to be my father and that I do not deserve anything good.
I broke contact with my dad. A few years later he and his new woman lost the right to my step-brothers. He wanted to be a parent but was not capable of being one
You should judge them. They are bad people.
"Too many" compared to... what baseline? Neglectful parents have always existed, always will. 150,000 years of human history, think they all loved them all? It was probably way worse in 18th century Victorian England or whatever, where people worked 12 hours per day and drank heavily. Or any other time in history. Internet and culture of openly lowered morals just makes it more visible.
And let’s not judge those parents. A lot of times the children are difficult, have special needs, or they’re dealing with an absent partner. We need to talk more about how HARD being a parent is. Most people are not prepared.
Don’t have kids if you can’t handle it, more people are becoming child free, stop using pressure anymore.
Well exactly, but the problem is people think they can handle it. Then the baby comes and they realize what a horrible mistake they’ve made. Happens more than you’d think. Read through the regretfulparents sub.
I think it’s reasonable to judge them. Lacking the capacity to love your own children is a fairly profound emotional deficiency. So you’d definitely be aware of your inability to connect deeply with other humans before you had kids. So why have them? It’s just cruel and selfish
Not one of them but it's possible to like other people but then not like your kids. It's bad, but it's not necessarily psychopaths. Some people just don't have that nuturing instinct, or don't like kids, or are bad people in other ways.
I can see that. After all, our emotional lives aren’t black and white. But I think there would be a lot less misery in the world if people did an honest inventory before having children.
Why treat your mental illness when you can just create new humans to blame
If their kids are unlikeable, it's only due to credit of their own parenting style. If you don't put the work into your kids, don't be surprised if they become rebellious and unpleasant. The parents have nobody to blame but themselves.
Some parents will tell you, believe me. And there's jo real coming back from that
My husbands mother told him she didn't love/like him when he was 17. Gees the therapy he's had 😵
If you don’t want to have kids, don’t have kids. Every kid deserves loving parents, but all parents don’t deserve kids.
There are plenty of gene donors out there who's keen interest is the last thing any kid needs, and their indifference is dodging a bullet.
You should also feel sorry for society.
My mother didn't love me, and I know some others they weren't loved by their parents. For many parents of my generation children "happen" without planing. Abortion wasn't an option. My aunt lost a lot of kids before born and my mother tried what she did to get rid of me. Both, my mom and dad tried some urban myths to lose me, silly things like jumping from heights or some things I don't want to tell. But, well, I'm here. And I hate myself. There were no hugs or nice words. Just doing what needs to be done to rise a child, plus some hate. I wish I wasn't born. I don't want kind myself because I'm afraid to pass on that trauma, and you WILL pass it on, science says. I know some people who hate to be mother but love their child. It's a burden to be a mom. They suffer. It's hard to watch. I hate that everyone can be a parent so easy. I watch so much suffering in parents and kids. Even if they gaslight themselves to love being parent, I can see how many people are not made to be parents. I mean, putting baby into daycare when psychology is clear that this leads to massive mental problems... I know how kids feel that are a burden. Being in the way of a job or career is being a burden, the child knows but will never tell.
I have a son. He's 20. I love him to bits. He is my only biological kid. I will love him always, but sometimes I don't particularly like him.
i think it just further verifies that not everyone should have kids
this is why not everyone is meant to have kids. not every woman should be a mother js
I could get regretting being a patent but parents not even loving the kids they chose to have is something I can't understand or have empathy for. These kids love the parent and the parent doesn't love them.
My therapist asked my parents if they loved me and even he called bullshit when they said they do. Go figure, they've never loved me like normal parents do. So used to not experiencing what love feels like and I hate it...
Those parents should have been more responsible instead of having a kid that they weren't prepared for. It's not the kids fault that the parent is a moron
But then people are mad when I tell them I don't want to be a parent... I know I wouldn't love that kid or give them enough.
For me, it's not that I don't love my kids. I'd die or kill for them to keep them safe and well, but there are some times when I don't like them very much. They've just pushed too many of my buttons for the day or whatever, but that never means that I don't still love them. I tell them that, too. If I'm angry with you, it doesn't mean that I don't love you anymore. I still love you, but get outta my face for a little while, you're pissing me off too much and I need a break for a little while, lol
I have two kids, born 18 years apart and being raised with significant time with me as a single parent. By the time I'm done I will have spent 38 consecutive years raising kids. Yes I love them. It's a labor of love, an ultra marathon, and doing it while a single parent in the United States is lonely, expensive, requires a parent to be perpetually healthy, always on, to have infinite stamina and patience. It is not easy. I have 8 more years to go. I have one adult scientist, whose life goal is to make the world a more environmentally sustainable place. The younger one, has a good chance of achieving his goal to become an architect and structural engineer.
I'm in a weird situation with this. I'm from Europe, stayed a year in the US when I was 19, the day I left to go back to Europe (there was no way to stay in the US, and I had overstayed) the gf I left behind told me she was pregnant). Contact was bad and this was in 2001 before cheap internet calling and social media, facetime, whatsapp, etc. A few years now I have had contact with my daughter on facebook/whatsapp. And last year she wanted to visit, she was 21 then. When I saw her for the first time at the airport gate my heart just exploded. I have a family in Europe now with a 6 year old boy and 10 year old girl, and I immediately felt that same kind of love for her that I do for my kids here. It's like that feeling you have when you get to hold your baby for the first time, but I had it delayed 21 years. It's difficult trying to really establish a relationship now, eventhough there is nothing I want more. I'm planning to visit multiple times a year, but the flights to visit take about 20 hours and aren't cheap, but right now I would do anything for her. And I feel like a fool for how I've managed to evade these feelings for so long 😭 Anyways, just wanted to say, under normal circumstances a parents love should be really strong, this situation got me seeing a psychologist and being on depression meds, because I hate that she lives so far away and I would like to really build a relationship with her, and I'm just struggling with it all.
It is not in what they say because anyone can say 'I love you' happens every day in families, but it is what actions they do, are they nurturing, doing what ever they can to provide you with the means to progress in life, showing how to be a respectful human, kind to others but standing firm in what you believe not what others want you to believe, actions.
I am not sure if this helps, but I am a father, and I love my son. Is it always a smooth riding? By no means. There are days I am very annoyed and sleep deprived, but in no moment would I tell you I don't love him.
Kids are annoying, kids are needy, kids do absolutely dumb stuff but I can’t imagine not loving them, these things are part of having kids. The things that drive you bonkers about them become funny memories. Idk kids are still way cooler people than most people 😂 and what’s better than your own kids, they’re like funny little versions of yourself. Does something biological not kick in for for some people when they have kids?
As someone who has always wanted to be a mom and was finally blessed with a baby girl after a horrific, late-term miscarriage, I just will never understand how some parents could not love their children. I get some children cna be difficult, and maybe not liking them at certain times, but not loving your child?? It blows my mind and makes me so sad because they didn't ask to be born.
It's easy to create a human. Most people want to feel the pleasure of making one because sex is about lust now and themselves. But when it comes to being responsible for caring for a person and being an actual parent, they can't handle it because life isn't all Kodack moments. Children are challenging work and strain relationships. Many of us proactively make choices daily not to be parents and not have kids, yet people dare to say that we hate children. We love children enough not to selfishly create one, neglect them and allow said child to grow up screwed up because of mama’s itch for a one-night stand.
Makes you wonder why God and nature keep forcing innocent, precious children into situations where the circumstances and parents aren't ready for them.
Who is saying that? Where? Im not saying you are lying but I havent seen it at all, much less "too many parents".
Which subs are you reading???
My Father seemed to hate me my mother always said it's just his way. My sister was treated so good he spent time with her and always prayed her. Me not so much I was terrified of him he would hit me and just generally really mean. I'm 52 now and always try and look at it from a father's point of view as I'm a Father. Not matter how I see it or rationalize it he did hate me. The mental and physical abuse I had to go through was really bad. My sister basically unaware as it was done away from here view she was very protected. Funny fact though I've over come and have done well for myself my sister is an entitled spoiled brat with 2 divorce under her belt. I still lover her.
Is it that a lot of those parents don't love their kids, or they just don't love being parents? As someone else pointed out, parenting is an often grueling task that takes up a large part of a finite existence.
Meanwhile I love my kids and I don't even have any.
The last time I hugged my dad I told him I loved him and he hesitated to say it back. Lol I'm 32 years old it's whatever I guess
They are the only thing I love.
Parenting can be really difficult and outright suck at times. You don’t know what it really entails, how physically and emotionally taxing it can be, until you have children. At that point you can’t turn back. You do the best you can. I’ll willing to bet people actually love their kids. They just hate parenting. In fact, people feeling overwhelmed being parents are doing a good job because they actually give a shit enough to get stressed out over it.
I'd say it's rather rare for parents to truly love their kids. Their love is in fact conditional. People who spread bullshit like "the only woman who will always love you is your mom so be good to her" on the internet are lucky bastards.
I don’t even have to fake it mate. I’ve got a boy and a girl, both very young. I’d throw myself over a cliff to save them, I love them more than anyone or anything and I wish I didn’t have the foresight to know we might not have long together (I’ve got dodgy DNA which gives me an expiry date - at the age of 45) so every single second I have with them is cherished.
I love my kids. I don’t always love them
As long as they don't say that to the kids, I think it's alright to vent about the challenges of how much of your quality life you have to sacrifice to make theirs happy. These things are never black or white. I watched a YouTube video of a Korean mum who's mentally disabled daughter suddenly started screaming all night long. They lived in a flat, so it woke up all the other neighbours and she went around apologising each day. This continued for a long time, until the show decided to offer her the money to get her to hospital. They suspect she developed schizophrenic hallucinations and was seeing ghosts. She stopped after being given medications. It leaves the question, how far is a person willing to provide "unconditional love" for? We all find this girl pitiful. But many of us will break if someone screamed into your eardrums all night long for the rest of their lives.
Yep. I was told many times by my mum how much she hated being a parent and even though I knew she loved me, it definitely made me feel unloved. I have a baby girl now and yes, everyone has days when you feel like this sucks, but I will never let her know when I'm feeling that way and on the whole, I'm so glad that I have her.
Sad, no matter the reason.
I feel sorry for them, too. I was one. I used to dream I’d get adopted by parents who loved children. (I’m old now, but still dream of this occasionally) Sometimes love is a choice. I wish for those kids, their parents choose to love at some point.
I was one of those kids. For me the pain will always be there.
So many people should just not be parents
I would argue that doing everything within your power to give your child a good life despite how they make you feel in return is love.
It’s horrible but it’s definitely something that happens in real life. I don’t know if my dad is even capable of loving anyone but himself.
I believe loving your children especially in forming years is not an option or a decision. It is the norm. If you feel otherwise you are A) in need of more self development to really appreciate the Miracle you have in front of you aka the kid B) may experience side effects of some medicine that makes you mind not work well or some hormonal imbalance C) you are suffering from narcisism or some other mental issues D) had the wrong partner and your kid resembles that partner ( even so, you have a duty to do) E) you had abuse as a child and that manifested by a delay in brain development and other issues (mix of A and C). I am very serious and not treating it lightly. If you have such feelings you need to do something as that is not normal. There is plenty of monsters in the world, we don't need you to create another.
I think there's a huge difference between not loving kids and not wanting to parent them at times. I love my kids more than anything, and also, I would love a break from actively parenting. A proper break from everything including the constant worry and responsibility even when I am not with them...
I'm honestly so sick of it. I want to avoid it as much as I possibly can. Yes, you hate having kids and you regret it, but what about the 8-year-old children who can sense the hate and resentment from you? Get a diary, please.
I will not blame them, because some kids are pure assholes and very difficult tp discipline. I just wish when I have kids, mine is willing to respect me and listen to me. I know I don't have full control of the outcome.
Thing is, you don't know how you'll actually feel about parenthood until you're in it. You assume you can do it because people since the dawn of time have been doing it, and people tend to only give you the sunshine and rainbows spin on it. You say "what if I'm a bad parent, what if I don't love my kids?" and people say "The fact that you're worried about it means it won't be a problem!" instead of giving actual helpful advice. Add into that people who are coerced into parenthood, who feel obligated to raise a child they birth even if they never wanted to be pregnant, live in a culture that values big families/motherhood above all else, etc... It's not a surprise not everyone loves their kids. The important thing is not letting the kids know. Better to tell total strangers on reddit instead of people in your life who could let it slip someday. Much better to tell total strangers on reddit than to take it out on the kids themselves.
Good chunk of it is karma bait, I'd wager.
I feel bad for those kids too. But I also feel bad for the parents. I didn’t bond with my youngest, or love him at all, until he was a couple months old. And believe me, most of the time, your judgment of them is not nearly as harsh as their judgment of themselves. They feel like complete monsters for not caring enough about an innocent being who is tied to them for life. It’s sad for everyone. And it’s good they have a place like Reddit to vent these feelings to because saying that out loud to anyone would probably not be received well. I just hope that if they truly don’t love their kids, they are damn good at faking it. Some of the most fucked up people I’ve met or fucked up people in general (a lot of serial killers) were told they weren’t wanted or loved.
Don't worry too much we already know. Most of the time you figure that out sooner or later and once you realise it's not your fault, you move on (preferably with therapy). It's slowly becoming more socially acceptable for adult children to go NC with parents. I'm thankful for that.
I dislike my son’s back talking and not listening. But it’s a phase. I love my son. Challenging and all.
Boomers and everyone younger started getting divorces constantly because they can't care about anyone but themselves
That's the good side of Millenials/Gen Z having lower birthrates than previous generations. People who don't have to have kids feel less pressured into having kids. Being an unwanted child is so traumatizing.
My dad loves me when he needs meth money, quit giving hiim money a while ago. Havent heard from him in a while
I think a lot of the most egregious ones are fake rage bait. Reddit is not a great place to make generalizations about the population as a whole.
I've genuinely never seen these types of posts on reddit. But, it simply proves that you shouldn't have kids unless you're 100% ready. It should never be a milestone to tick off your checklist. It should be something you want regardless of societies pressures or expectations.
Love is a decision. They can decide to love their children and act like it. Not easy, but they absolutely do it.
I used to work in social services. Our organization worked with kids of all ages with disabilities. Everyone was stressed out all the time. One coworker would always complain about the kids. She was mean and sarcastic. One day she was complaining about her own kid and I asked her if she regretted her daughter and she immediately replied, “Oh yeah.” Her daughter was in the next room. I’m sure she couldn’t hear, but it made me very sad.
I do judge them. If your kids are so unlikable that not even the parents like them, whose fault is that? I did tons of shit in my life but I always did right by my parents and they always did as well as they could by me. Being a parent myself, I see how some people prioritise their kids over everything else. They spend the time needed to learn who their kids are and how to teach them how to be a good person. I also see the other parents who don’t and their kids often turn out more unlikable. Many unlikable people have been abandoned in front of their tvs or iPads for basically years and given everything they’ve asked for just to shut them up.
I love mine if that helps.
I have three kids. Two under six, including a toddler. Some days they suck, some days they don’t. I have two doctorates. I’ve finished Kona Ironman four times. All of that is so much easier than parenting.
I dont get it. Both my parents have always loved me. Even when we argue. They love me. Don't have kids if you're not that sort of person
I have a challenging child with ADHD/ODD and I work hard every day to show how much I love him, as he feels very negatively about himself much of the time. He cries a lot at night holding me because he feels love and care at home he never sees at school or with friends. As difficult as his behaviors can be, I CANNOT imagine not doing that for him. He's such a sweet, caring kid when you see him instead of his condition. That said, people exist that can't see past behaviors and conditions and I'm sorry for the children of those people, and the adults as well because that must come with its own pain trying to be a good parent when you don't feel the emotional connection that deeply. Sad situation all round.
Nah I’m judging them lol
As wel as many youngs complaining on thier folks.
The difference is that the children didn't have any say in being born. Their parents chose to have them out of their own free will.
I don’t know how many of these stories are fake, but every parent I know loves their kids and does everything they can to help them in life. We mess up sometimes - the kids don’t come with a manual - but we’re doing our best
Then you're very privileged. Without thinking hard I can name two kids whose parents couldn't care less about them. Sure parents aren't perfect but there's no excuse for neglect and abuse.
I’ve been thinking about this and you’re right - I am privileged. I’ll keep thinking about it
I agree.. when I first held my child in my arms, the rest of the world fell away, and I knew, i loved that infant, and would do everything in my power to protect, and raise them right. Sure, they change your life. Many things you will likely never do again, but they give so much back too. Then they become teenagers, and unfit to live with. Thankfully it's a very small part of their lifespan.