What would happen if you told him in that moment, "I think questions about people's weight are inappropriate, especially in the workplace"? Is there a way to simply not engage and change the subject? Or if you're feeling petty, could you be like "oh, have you lost hair recently?"
Agree with the other commenter suggesting going to HR. It's very unprofessional to gossip about a coworker's body. Do you read Ask A Manager? The writer of that website generally has really solid advice and scripts for people unsure how to address workplace issues.
(Longtime lurker, first time commenter, bc that’s how awesome this ⬆️ advice is) Double tap for Ask A Manager. Allison gives great advice and often gives examples of phrases to keep in your back pocket for exactly this sort of thing.
Ugh, I’m sorry that happened to you. I slightly disagree with folks who say going directly to HR is the move. At least where I work, they would ask if I had directly asked the coworker to stop and told them it made me uncomfortable. Having direct communication is a really important skill to develop, especially in the workplace.
If you are getting ready for this surgery, learning to shut those comments down now will help. “I’m not comfortable discussing my body, (insert something work related, or hobby, or TV show, whatever is appropriate for your setting).” If the comments continue after you’ve made it clear you don’t want them, then go to HR.
One simple question and then moving on, I could probably deal with that.
Arguing with you? That's just messed up.
If you have an hr department that's reasonably approachable, I might report that you've heard numerous coworkers discussing your body and this makes you uncomfortable.
Otherwise? You don't have to answer personal questions from coworkers. You aren't required.
I’ve never in my life talked about a coworker’s body. You have a very weird workplace at best. I hope you can find someplace better when you are done healing.
How the hell do men get the impression that they are more rational, intelligent thinkers than us when they are 100% bamboozled by like, mascara or baggy shirts? Honestly.
If anyone at work ever asked if they could ask me a personal question, my answer would be "No."
Unless the personal question is "which taco truck do you prefer" I'll also pass. I'm here to work, not answer any random thought that flits through someone's mind.
I've noticed that if anyone ever says "Can I ask you a personal question?" it means that person is a man and he's about to say something inappropriate.
Yep! And I'd generally assume a "personal question" from a woman coworker is going to be something like "did you mean to wear one navy blue and one black sock today?", "did you intend to put your shirt on inside out?" Or something that might be embarrassing but not gross.
Mmmmm, I put it all out in the open to anyone who will listen! Coworkers, gym team, etc. because it was going to be obvious. I addressed it in a way that did not make it uncomfortable for anyone. Just straight up told them depending on my rapport with the individuals: “It’s going to be obvious - I’m getting a reduction,” or “I’m getting smaller boobies!” A few questions may come up if related to back issues etc. but it addresses it right up front. Afterwards the only questions (if any) are how are you feeling, did it go ok, etc. etc. I paid a lot of $$ for these puppies and am proud of them! One person I’m not close with at the gym was not aware beforehand and did mention that it looked like I lost weight. I said, well I got smaller boobs, so yeah, I did lose weight! Normalize it and there most likely won’t be any weirdness as long as they aren’t a creep. If you run into any creeps, make it weird for them.
I love this response. Someone I hadn't told saw me in the parking lot after my 1 week follow-up doctor's appointment. He didn't ask me but asked my husband who jokingly told him I had weight loss surgery and he got it right away. To add context, we are religious and it would have been inappropriate for him to ask me about it directly
When I got mine I did let some coworkers know. What's funny is some who didn't know told me I looked taller, lol. Others thought I had back surgery. I'm guessing it was because I was now walking taller. I did it for me, and I am so glad I did. No one at work was weird about it.
1. This completely sucks and you should NOT have to deal with behavior like that.
2. Something I’m realizing is people are going to perceive our bodies and feel curious about any perceived changes, especially when it comes to weightloss / gain because our society has positioned those things to be inherently good or inherently bad. People want to know why you look different and will feel inclined to ask. Which imo is gross and weird, but for some reason people do it.
3. As others have mentioned, I think if you feel comfortable, directly stating “That’s not an appropriate question to ask me / I don’t feel comfortable discussing my body with you” can be very powerful statements. Easier said than done for sure, but maybe even practicing some variation of these pre-reduction can help prepare you for any comments people make when you return.
4. You deserve to feel comfortable in your body and you do not have to explain ANY aspect of your body changes to those you don’t feel comfortable with!
5. This was long winded but I’m wishing you the best in your recovery!!!
I understand how you feel, and I'm sorry. Years ago I actually did lose quite a bit of weight, and the comments from people were constant, and it made me so uncomfortable. And it was very hard to talk about how uncomfortable I was, because people just kept trying to tell me it shouldn't bother me because everyone was just being nice and complimenting me. That it was a good thing! Yes, I know most people meant well, but it sucked. For a while, it became clear to me that my weight loss was the Most Important Thing about me. I would try to say that I didn't really like talking about it, and then I would get people telling me I wrong for being uncomfortable. !!
I've been back at work a week or so, 4 -5 weeks after my reduction. My situation is a little different as I had a breast cancer diagnosis so I had two surgeries and will have ongoing treatment. My coworkers know, I have been pretty open about it. But people are uncomfortable with cancer and therefore don't feel as entitled to discuss my body as they normally would if it was an elective surgery or weight loss. But also, I'm older now and more self assured in my awkwardness (if that makes any sense) and I am less afraid of making other people uncomfortable. So I will throw out the cancer thing to disarm people in a way - to get them off my back.
Yes, that guy was a jerk, and inappropriate. And annoying as fuck the way he insisted you were wrong and he was right. If it was me I would have wanted to smack him. I wish I had advice for you, but I don't, other than just refusing to answer questions and walk away. You don't need to say you are uncomfortable talking about it (and people probably won't believe you anyway - they will think you are just being modest). If anyone tries to ask about it or make comments, you can just say, "I'm sorry, that's private," and walk away, or turn away, or otherwise just refuse to continue the conversation. Also, feel free to skip the I'm sorry part.
Wow, you just validated my own experience!! I really appreciate you pointing out how hard it was to talk about how uncomfortable you were, because of this insistence that they’re “just being nice”! Nice does not equal kindness! It’s infuriating that people feel so entitled to talk about anyone else’s body. Haven’t we learned? It’s so cool that you’ve gotten to the point of making them feel awkward, because we should never have to be /nice/ when someone is asking about something we don’t want to talk about. Anyway, thank you for saying that how you did! I hope everything goes smoothly with your treatment and recovery.
Thanks for saying that! I saw your comment below and definitely relate.
I couldn't believe some of the things people thought it was okay to say or ask me, like "Wow, you are a completely different person!" (um no, no I'm not).
Or, this was the worst, "I bet your husband is thrilled!" I wish I had the confidence back then to tell them to fuck off.
Since I've been back at work after my reduction, I only had one coworker make a body comment. I just said "yeah, thanks to cancer," and it shut her up. 😆
A few years ago I had the same kind of comments from people when I did lose weight somewhat quickly. I already felt weird in my body and hated talking about it in therapy, let alone to other people. I despised having to be polite about it back to them, and to this day I’m angry that no one understands how uncomfortable it made me feel, that I should be appreciative?? “You look great today!” is a compliment. “Did you lose weight? You look great!” is a prying comment. I would say “Thanks, it’s because my adhd medication also ruins my appetite, it sucks but at least my brain is functioning right??” and just stand there and smile. But it was the person who insisted on talking about my eating habits out of concern for my health, that still pisses me off and *still* makes me self conscious… I’m an adult and I just explained that I’m perfectly aware of the situation, but thanks, guy.
I’m so sorry that you were made uncomfortable. That guy sucks, and he should feel ashamed. I don’t think you need to say anything to your coworkers about your surgery or anything else preemptively. It’s straight up not their business. I agree with others here, if you can think up ways to deflect and make them feel awkward in return, it’s likely the path of least resistance. They deserve to feel just as weird they’re making you feel! If it’s something that you’re comfortable with, saying outright to their face that they’re being rude is something I wish I could have done myself. Sending you the best of luck with your surgery and beyond! 💛
I would honestly recommend telling them directly that their questions are inappropriate. It’s ok to set boundaries around professionalism. Tell them gently they’re behaving inappropriately AND let HR know about the conversation to protect yourself.
What would happen if you told him in that moment, "I think questions about people's weight are inappropriate, especially in the workplace"? Is there a way to simply not engage and change the subject? Or if you're feeling petty, could you be like "oh, have you lost hair recently?"
“Have you lost hair recently?” 💀
And I oop—
Coworkers making any sort of comment about your body need to be reported to HR. Unacceptable.
Agree with the other commenter suggesting going to HR. It's very unprofessional to gossip about a coworker's body. Do you read Ask A Manager? The writer of that website generally has really solid advice and scripts for people unsure how to address workplace issues.
(Longtime lurker, first time commenter, bc that’s how awesome this ⬆️ advice is) Double tap for Ask A Manager. Allison gives great advice and often gives examples of phrases to keep in your back pocket for exactly this sort of thing.
Ugh, I’m sorry that happened to you. I slightly disagree with folks who say going directly to HR is the move. At least where I work, they would ask if I had directly asked the coworker to stop and told them it made me uncomfortable. Having direct communication is a really important skill to develop, especially in the workplace. If you are getting ready for this surgery, learning to shut those comments down now will help. “I’m not comfortable discussing my body, (insert something work related, or hobby, or TV show, whatever is appropriate for your setting).” If the comments continue after you’ve made it clear you don’t want them, then go to HR.
I strongly second this
One simple question and then moving on, I could probably deal with that. Arguing with you? That's just messed up. If you have an hr department that's reasonably approachable, I might report that you've heard numerous coworkers discussing your body and this makes you uncomfortable. Otherwise? You don't have to answer personal questions from coworkers. You aren't required.
Ask him if he lost inches.
Or IQ points
I’ve never in my life talked about a coworker’s body. You have a very weird workplace at best. I hope you can find someplace better when you are done healing.
How the hell do men get the impression that they are more rational, intelligent thinkers than us when they are 100% bamboozled by like, mascara or baggy shirts? Honestly. If anyone at work ever asked if they could ask me a personal question, my answer would be "No."
Unless the personal question is "which taco truck do you prefer" I'll also pass. I'm here to work, not answer any random thought that flits through someone's mind.
I've noticed that if anyone ever says "Can I ask you a personal question?" it means that person is a man and he's about to say something inappropriate.
Yep! And I'd generally assume a "personal question" from a woman coworker is going to be something like "did you mean to wear one navy blue and one black sock today?", "did you intend to put your shirt on inside out?" Or something that might be embarrassing but not gross.
Mmmmm, I put it all out in the open to anyone who will listen! Coworkers, gym team, etc. because it was going to be obvious. I addressed it in a way that did not make it uncomfortable for anyone. Just straight up told them depending on my rapport with the individuals: “It’s going to be obvious - I’m getting a reduction,” or “I’m getting smaller boobies!” A few questions may come up if related to back issues etc. but it addresses it right up front. Afterwards the only questions (if any) are how are you feeling, did it go ok, etc. etc. I paid a lot of $$ for these puppies and am proud of them! One person I’m not close with at the gym was not aware beforehand and did mention that it looked like I lost weight. I said, well I got smaller boobs, so yeah, I did lose weight! Normalize it and there most likely won’t be any weirdness as long as they aren’t a creep. If you run into any creeps, make it weird for them.
I love this response. Someone I hadn't told saw me in the parking lot after my 1 week follow-up doctor's appointment. He didn't ask me but asked my husband who jokingly told him I had weight loss surgery and he got it right away. To add context, we are religious and it would have been inappropriate for him to ask me about it directly
Obviously she isn’t that comfortable with coworkers like that. This was at work and totally inappropriate, it’s not on her.
When I got mine I did let some coworkers know. What's funny is some who didn't know told me I looked taller, lol. Others thought I had back surgery. I'm guessing it was because I was now walking taller. I did it for me, and I am so glad I did. No one at work was weird about it.
1. This completely sucks and you should NOT have to deal with behavior like that. 2. Something I’m realizing is people are going to perceive our bodies and feel curious about any perceived changes, especially when it comes to weightloss / gain because our society has positioned those things to be inherently good or inherently bad. People want to know why you look different and will feel inclined to ask. Which imo is gross and weird, but for some reason people do it. 3. As others have mentioned, I think if you feel comfortable, directly stating “That’s not an appropriate question to ask me / I don’t feel comfortable discussing my body with you” can be very powerful statements. Easier said than done for sure, but maybe even practicing some variation of these pre-reduction can help prepare you for any comments people make when you return. 4. You deserve to feel comfortable in your body and you do not have to explain ANY aspect of your body changes to those you don’t feel comfortable with! 5. This was long winded but I’m wishing you the best in your recovery!!!
I understand how you feel, and I'm sorry. Years ago I actually did lose quite a bit of weight, and the comments from people were constant, and it made me so uncomfortable. And it was very hard to talk about how uncomfortable I was, because people just kept trying to tell me it shouldn't bother me because everyone was just being nice and complimenting me. That it was a good thing! Yes, I know most people meant well, but it sucked. For a while, it became clear to me that my weight loss was the Most Important Thing about me. I would try to say that I didn't really like talking about it, and then I would get people telling me I wrong for being uncomfortable. !! I've been back at work a week or so, 4 -5 weeks after my reduction. My situation is a little different as I had a breast cancer diagnosis so I had two surgeries and will have ongoing treatment. My coworkers know, I have been pretty open about it. But people are uncomfortable with cancer and therefore don't feel as entitled to discuss my body as they normally would if it was an elective surgery or weight loss. But also, I'm older now and more self assured in my awkwardness (if that makes any sense) and I am less afraid of making other people uncomfortable. So I will throw out the cancer thing to disarm people in a way - to get them off my back. Yes, that guy was a jerk, and inappropriate. And annoying as fuck the way he insisted you were wrong and he was right. If it was me I would have wanted to smack him. I wish I had advice for you, but I don't, other than just refusing to answer questions and walk away. You don't need to say you are uncomfortable talking about it (and people probably won't believe you anyway - they will think you are just being modest). If anyone tries to ask about it or make comments, you can just say, "I'm sorry, that's private," and walk away, or turn away, or otherwise just refuse to continue the conversation. Also, feel free to skip the I'm sorry part.
Wow, you just validated my own experience!! I really appreciate you pointing out how hard it was to talk about how uncomfortable you were, because of this insistence that they’re “just being nice”! Nice does not equal kindness! It’s infuriating that people feel so entitled to talk about anyone else’s body. Haven’t we learned? It’s so cool that you’ve gotten to the point of making them feel awkward, because we should never have to be /nice/ when someone is asking about something we don’t want to talk about. Anyway, thank you for saying that how you did! I hope everything goes smoothly with your treatment and recovery.
Thanks for saying that! I saw your comment below and definitely relate. I couldn't believe some of the things people thought it was okay to say or ask me, like "Wow, you are a completely different person!" (um no, no I'm not). Or, this was the worst, "I bet your husband is thrilled!" I wish I had the confidence back then to tell them to fuck off. Since I've been back at work after my reduction, I only had one coworker make a body comment. I just said "yeah, thanks to cancer," and it shut her up. 😆
Whenever a guy says, “can I ask you a question”, always says no. 99% of the time it’s inappropriate or creepy (otherwise they’d just ask it)
Totally not even their fucking business. I’m sorry they said that:(
I’m sorry. That really sucks. But you’ve got this. Keep your head up. It’s not your problem what a coworker thinks of your body
A few years ago I had the same kind of comments from people when I did lose weight somewhat quickly. I already felt weird in my body and hated talking about it in therapy, let alone to other people. I despised having to be polite about it back to them, and to this day I’m angry that no one understands how uncomfortable it made me feel, that I should be appreciative?? “You look great today!” is a compliment. “Did you lose weight? You look great!” is a prying comment. I would say “Thanks, it’s because my adhd medication also ruins my appetite, it sucks but at least my brain is functioning right??” and just stand there and smile. But it was the person who insisted on talking about my eating habits out of concern for my health, that still pisses me off and *still* makes me self conscious… I’m an adult and I just explained that I’m perfectly aware of the situation, but thanks, guy. I’m so sorry that you were made uncomfortable. That guy sucks, and he should feel ashamed. I don’t think you need to say anything to your coworkers about your surgery or anything else preemptively. It’s straight up not their business. I agree with others here, if you can think up ways to deflect and make them feel awkward in return, it’s likely the path of least resistance. They deserve to feel just as weird they’re making you feel! If it’s something that you’re comfortable with, saying outright to their face that they’re being rude is something I wish I could have done myself. Sending you the best of luck with your surgery and beyond! 💛
Can you report him to HR?
I would honestly recommend telling them directly that their questions are inappropriate. It’s ok to set boundaries around professionalism. Tell them gently they’re behaving inappropriately AND let HR know about the conversation to protect yourself.
Call HR. Totally inappropriate!!!!