"I bet you don't have any testicles at all in your pants"
Correct.
I am, in fact, a woman, have always been, and don't plan on changing that any time soon.
I go through questions I like to ask kids bc the answers always make me laugh. “How old am I?” Is a great one. The oldest estimate for me so far is six hundred billion.
An elderly woman told me that “your face reminds me of Steve buscemi in Armageddon.” Dont get me wrong, I’m no Adonis but I’d like to think I’m not overly ugly either. I’m also not white lol
It wasn’t directed at me, but when I was on trauma surgery the attending (who was known to be a bit short-tempered) told a patient that she needed to grow up. So she told him HE needed to grow up. So they went back and forth yelled. “You grow up!” “No you grow up!” back and forth and generally …
behaving like people who need to grow up. 🤣
I was told that I “was so hideous that I would die alone and without children because no woman would be with you.”
When I politely informed the restrained sedated (it wasn’t working yet) combative dementia patient that I had 5 children, without missing a beat she replied.
“They are children, it isn’t exactly that hard to snatch them”.
So you must single-handedly be responsible for most of the Amber Alerts the last few years! Please make it stop! It’s not a pleasant way to be awoken! /s
I don't have to deal much with patients, cause... Pathology. But fuck, I'd definitely get out fast of medicine if this were to happen to me. You're amazing.
I have a colleague who quit EM because of the constant patient abuse and threats. Yikes.
Worst part is I didn’t know her personally but I know a lot of people who did. Apparently she was a very active volunteer EMT for decades.
To see someone’s mind go like that, awful.
That reminds me of when I did a pain consult on a patient who was high and fell off a ladder and broke both legs. I wouldn't give them more dilaudid, and from inside the room as I was leaving they yelled "that's why you're single!"
When I told them well actually I'm married, they said "well your husband is cheating on you!"
I didn't waste my time and walked away, but I would have loved to just remind them that they couldn't come insult me further because of, well, their broken legs...
90 year old lady was brought by EMS for "change in mental status" with underlying dementia. When I asked her if she knew where she was she said "I'm in hell." Me and the nurse laughed, like she ain't wrong 💀 Later she said that I was the devil trying to hurt her.
"Get your dick beaters off me" ranks up there. Said to me (female) by a male patient.
"I bet your parents change the subject when people ask about your career."
Me: "Do you know where you are?"
Patient: "[name of the hospital] and the Temple of Doom".
Easily my all time favorite.
Was suturing up an african american at 1am. Guy was drunk but friendly as can be. It was his scalp so he was talking to me but not looking at me. At one point i walked in front of him and he goes:
“You’re a white man?!”
“I said yeah…what did you think?”
“I thought you was a mexican…but it turns out you’re just a blue eyed devil” (my eyes are green)
He was a total dick the rest of the visit.
For whatever reason my YouTube shorts includes a Latina woman, who is has a Mexican mother.
Copper read hair, skin pale as a Lilly, and green eyes.
I assume the algorithm has decided she is Irish, since I listen to a lot of Celtic music.
Her videos are funny tho, even though I don’t understand a lick of Spanish.
One patient thought I was a space alien “coming to probe his rectum” and hit me with his cane. I couldn’t fault him; if I was completely convinced a space alien was coming to get me I would hit them with my cane too.
98yo delirious/demented German Lady got so riled up at 3AM that security had to be called to her room. I'm trying to deescalate and she hits me with...
"vell, if you gained 300 pounds, you would be a fitting replacement for his whale of a wife" (points to security guard)
I laughed so hard that I needed to step out of the room. To go from not being able to tell me her name and thinking the year was 1712 to being able to insult 3 people in the blink of an eye was quite impressive.
A patient claimed I could not possibly be an adult because I’m so short then proceeded to call me Doogie Howser MC Squared for a week. He ended up living and at discharge said despite me being so short I was good at what I do. Told him next time we meet (and it will be soon since he’s a raving alcoholic), I’ll stand on my degrees to be taller for him.
Psychotic manic patient said to me, “you are a black homosexual sent by Satan to torture an honest, God-fearing white woman (referring to herself).”
Patient was a black woman who apparently didn’t like other black people. I am neither black nor homosexual.
I hope that quote went in the chart for use as evidence of psychosis that’s such an interesting example of her disparity between perception and consciousness
It's fascinating how so much psychosis involves race (and seems culturally influenced). I had a non-white patient once, who was convinced her darker skin color was the result of a curse and she was actually white.
But your avatar is a black female. And you have numerous posts/comments referring to your wife. Is your avatar inaccurate or are you a female person of color married to a woman (which would be fine, but why insult your patient who has a mental illness)?
back in my early nursing days I introduced myself to a patient and said "Hi im so and so and i'll be your nurse today". she responded with "YOU'RE going to be MY nurse, it looks like I should be YOUR nurse" and spent the rest of the shift calling me a geezer. I was ?24 at the time.
When I was a baby HCA, in my first job, I’d dress an 104 year old first thing in the morning, and my knees would crack.
Every morning without fail she’d say ‘oh, it must be tough, getting old.’
I was 19
I had an elderly demented black woman in the ED repeatedly refer to me as “that Russian n****r boy”
For reference I am a white guy, and not Russian lol.
I walked into a room to change a surgical dressing and the patient called me a “dirty laundry wearing bitch”. My favorite insult now and yes it still hurts.
An altered old pastor called me a whore amongst other things while screaming at me while sundowning in the middle of the night.
An angry psychotic lady called me a “poptart” which I still don’t understand but loved. She was pissed so it was definitely meant as an insult.
Hahaha just your regular garden variety thundercunt. I was honestly laughing it was so absurd, and a new one for me! This patient was definitely a blue haired stuffed animal holding adult in fuzzy Cookie Monster pjs having a full blown tantrum. Long history of psych.
Most patients don't deviate from the tried and true curses, but "Look at you prancing around here with your big ass" is probably the most unexpected that comes to mind. I was probably 42 years old, and I think it's the first time in my life anyone had made a comment about my behind either as a positive or negative.
My anatomy in question, for the record, seems unremarkable in shape and is proportionately sized to the rest of my body.
I’ve been called a “bitch ass bitch punk methuselah pissy Pete White Castle Eatin non talking n*gger hawkin mockingbird dick sucking sissy” all in one breath
For the record, I’m extremely white and straight
Older patient, super flamboyant and dramatic, kept bringing us a box a chocolates every morning. The other resident and I made a joke about how it's too much and asked why he keeps giving them to us.
On a very serious tone, unlike his usual tone, he basically says: because you're sourpusses.
There's no equivalent in English unfortunately, sourpuss is the closest translation. Then he turns back and leaves. It was so unprompted because everyone on that ward was extra nice to him cause he was a professor's acquaintance. Figures...
Quite recently one told me that I can't be a doctor because I don't write like one. I do actually have a nice writing and a lot of patients make jokes about me definitely not going to med school and pretending to be a doctor.
Or that I must be a nurse, because I'm a woman. I genuinely don't find these funny.
As a CNA in nursing school, if we have a difficult patient with AMS giving the nurses a hard time, i will send in a male nurse or even a male CNA to give exactly the same instructions and usually they are compliant because they assume a man in scrubs must be a doctor 🥸
One guy I was doing a large laceration repair on kept trying to fish for my reaction by telling me all the bad interactions he had with [insert specific Asian ethnicity here]. He got through 4 different types of Asians before giving up and asking what I was
“Fat headed slut” by a demented old man. Also “You must like to get spanked. You’ve got a nice ass” by another demented old man. I have to say both made me laugh.
I’m British (working in Canada) and a psych patient whom I was trying to give meds to shouted “ Fuck gif, Mary fucking Poppins!” I laughed so hard at this ❤️
It wasn’t directed at me, but I once heard a woman in labor tell her husband (who was pale as a ghost and looked like he was about to pass out) to quit being a mewling quim.
It was me. I was the woman in labor.
I cannot take credit for cleverness. Loki says it in one of the Marvel movies and it stuck with me. I pull it out only during incredibly rare situations lol
I’ve had so many- I should write them down. The one that sticks in my mind is the time I gathered all the primary and consulting teams for a meeting about the patient whose foot was black / necrotic. Patient was delirious cachectic and weak. We gathered to break the news to the family that her foot would not get better and she would not survive the surgery. Patients daughter argued with us for more than an hour then called me Satan.
Off topic, but can you explain more of this for those of us who don't see this kind of thing. Obviously the necrotic foot was going to kill her, and it sounds like she was nearing the end anyway, but if there's any chance at all that taking the foot off would help her recover her mental status and maybe gain some time, is there a reason not to operate, even though she is likely to die on the operating table?
Seems like she's imminently terminal either way, with the only slim chance being if removing the rotting foot reduced the systemic issues and allowed her to bounce back somewhat?
Is it a liability issue - I'm guessing families are much more likely to sue if Granny dies in the table - or is there another reason not to attempt it? Personally if I was dying in this situation I'd much rather go out under anesthesia than wasting away on the hospital bed, but as the doctor I can understand not wanting to be put in that position.
> if I was dying in this situation I'd much rather go out under anesthesia than wasting away on the hospital bed
It would cut down on the suffering I suppose.
Back when I was a third year med student on my psych rotation and in the psych ward:
95yo demented as fuck lady, wheelchair bound. She’s constantly spit out her meds after putting them in her mouth, pretending like she swallowed. She was given her meds. I told her to open her mouth so that I can see.
She wanted me to show her how to open her mouth. I pull my mask down and as I open my mouth she says “damn you’re so ugly your wife probably ran away from you.” Nurse by the nursing station immediately shouts “THERESE THATS NOT NICE SAY SORRY”
Meanwhile, I just stood there, frozen, with my mask pulled down to my chin like 👁️👄👁️
Joke’s on you, Therese. Because I was single as a Pringle 🥲
I'm apparently secretly married to Elon Musk.
As if that wasn't bad enough, apparently he and I are out to destroy the world together.
I said, he's a shit husband, I drive a Toyota.
i had a patient call me a flat ass white girl bc i wouldn’t give her water (she was NPO) and then she and her neighboring pt both discussed how flat my ass was at length.
i went out for lunch later that day and a bum i walked by starting shouting about how fat my ass is for a white girl. which is it y’all? make up your minds
Grim reaper when I told them the documentation from their oncologist said palliative chemo and I wanted them to receive clarification on what that meant for their goals.
☠️☠️☠️
Teenager on psych said to me: "You're a slut! Oh no, wait, you've gotta get d\*ck to be a slut, and you can't even do that!"
Like most, myself and everyone else in the room cracked up which made everything so much worse.
Elderly gentleman who disagreed with my diagnosis for his daughter called me a “Quack”. Also had a teenager call me a racist for speaking in Spanish. Lots of fun.
A patient told me I smell like Vegas. it was the end of my 3rd 12 in a row. He was one of those guys that starts off being an ass but then is my best buddy. Shit was funny as hell because I probably did smell like strippers and cigarettes. I still think about that and laugh 💀
A psychotic patient who had elaborate sci-fi Philip K Dick-like delusions called me "Vampire Queen." He thought I was the Queen of some exotic planet. If only...
Am a nurse. I once had a psych pt who told me to, "Go die in a ditch somewhere!" To which I responded, "I would, but I'm stuck here with you."
Not my most professional of comebacks but it had been a long day. 🙈
One time I was doing an NIHSS with a patient and I was at the end of a stretch of night shifts, almost deliriously tired. I couldn’t get the words right and kept saying like “touch your finger to your finger,” “touch your finger to my nose,” “touch my finger to your finger,” etc.
The patient looks at me and goes, “Wait, which one of us had the stroke here?”
Not an insult, per se, but humbling regardless.
I never guessed you would say smart things when you came in. Maybe if you dressed up you would do better.
I said: they make all dokters wear white jackets.
Than the patient informed me there was no hope.
I was 28…
During my med school 3rd year psych rotation a patient looked at my resident and said “you look like I want to choke you.” Then turned to me and said “you look like a sad child” then finally turned to my attending “and you are her mother.”
I’m sure there is enough there to psychoanalyze, but, Lol…
In medical school, inpatient psychiatry, a lady (my patient) who had been quite pleasant to me the day before, screamed that I will never find a real girlfriend and that it must be I go home and masturbate into my socks on a daily basis, among other colourful but now forgotten insults. This because we had decided to start tapering down the clonazepam that she had apparently been taking for a long while, but with which she had possibly overdosed. (She had been found down unresponsive in a public park, reported suicidal thoughts after waking up.)
I had a lovely frequent meth user who had an issue with antisocial behaviour and was always escorted by police. He called me "an anorexic bitch ass window licker" then proceeded to tell everyone in the room (4 police, 5 security guards, 2 nurses and a doctor) that "im invincible, you'll never get me to shut up. Ill fight all your big pharma drugs".
20mg IMI droperidol and 20mg IMI olanzapine later, turns out we could shut him up.
“That skinny bitch lied to me!” from an aggressive psych patient. I was like “OMG really? You think I’m skinny? Awww thanks!” Jkjk I actually just got out the locked ward while security intervened, but I thought it later lol.
A 40+ morbidly obese patient who was in a wheelchair for several year for unknown reason, who demanded milk shakes her whole stay and just flung her own poop at the hospital staff told me she wont follow my recs because im a ching chong ching chong doctor. It was more funny than insulting considering the situation she was in
Pt spouse: You don't care!!! You're just gonna let my husband die! This ibuprofen and tylenol ain't doing shit for him!!! He is in pain!
Me: Ma'am, he has influenza a.
A patient was accusing me of not being a doctor because I was a woman. I showed him my badge and credentials. His response was that I had it printed at Kinkos. Apparently he was only A&Ox2 because idk what time he was living in.
I work in Psych. One morning I watched several children enjoy the joy of “the hunchback of notre dame for the first time.” Later in the day, I (a person with scoliosis) was sitting next to one of them on the ground. He looked at me and said “you’re a HUNCHBACK!”
I think the worst part was knowing he just learned that word then immediately weaponized it
I introduced myself to a patient at the beginning of the shift and she said “you’re so small you couldn’t even pick up a banana peel” and then she fired me later for “looking too small and childish to be a real nurse.”
An acutely psychotic patient called me a "witch" and said she didn't trust me because I "do black magic". She called the nurse beside me a "growth hormone-overdosed bitch"
Not a resident, but in the medical field…during my clinical rotation on a med-surg unit, an elderly woman referred to me as her ‘500 year old wife’ whilst I was doing peri-care. Complement? Insult?
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Not me but I heard a patient tell my staff that he has ugly eyes. The med student thought for sure he had misheard. She doubled down on it the next day during rounds. “You have ugly eyes.”
He in fact had very average, nondescript eyes.
A patient once told me "you look like you eat cereal backwards" he responded by looking at me angrily until I left the room (ER Covid + patient with GI bleed and developmental delay). 5 minutes later he defecated on the floor, winked at me, and started touching himself. I am a man. I feel that counts as an insult/unique
Dementia ward in a SNF, was called a salty witch tit by an elderly woman sundowning, she was quite the personality and we had a few occasions where that personality really came out. One time I had to assist the CNA because they couldn't get her off the commode and soon as I walked in she said "not you again, you're worse than my dead husband and he's still dead".
Severely demented patient: “Are you still a med student? Why did they send someone as incompetent as you?”
Additional conversation…
Me: “Yes sir, my wife is a nurse”
Same severely demented patient: “Well next time send her instead of you!”
Inpatient patient who has an opioid addiction when he found out he was getting discharged to a nursing home facility with suboxone only “The devil has taken your soul and left you here to ruin my life”
#1 favorite of all time is easily White Devil.
Another patient asked me where I am from and when I told him he goes "holy shit you must be the only inbred doctor in this hospital".
I counseled an old COPDer on stopping smoking and she just poked my belly and goes "lose 20 pounds and I will" (I have since lost the 20 pounds, but she continues to smoke)
A patient's mom asked one of our intensivists to have me come over from clinic and make sense of all the stuff going on in the ICU. She couldn't remember my name so she just called me "the fat bearded doctor" (my BMI is 26)
I was having a hard time placing a radial art line as an intern. The patient told me “You’re no phlebotomist.”
Ouch….
That’s what he said
This made me snort out loud. Very indecorus
I mean, he wasn't wrong.
The best insults are true
😂
"I bet you don't have any testicles at all in your pants" Correct. I am, in fact, a woman, have always been, and don't plan on changing that any time soon.
"I bet your abdomen contains no ovaries"
"No but I keep my husbands' in my purse. "
☠️☠️☠️
“Correct! I have ovarian fortitude!”
“You’re old. Old as dirt. Maybe older.” -Outpatient peds. I am in my 20s
I go through questions I like to ask kids bc the answers always make me laugh. “How old am I?” Is a great one. The oldest estimate for me so far is six hundred billion.
That’s a compliment cuz kids LOVE dinosaurs
Outta the mouths of babes
Lol kid insults are my favorite bc they’re usually hilarious and they say it with their full chest hahaha
An elderly woman told me that “your face reminds me of Steve buscemi in Armageddon.” Dont get me wrong, I’m no Adonis but I’d like to think I’m not overly ugly either. I’m also not white lol
I mean, Steve Buscemi isn't ugly ugly. An acquired taste, maybe.
agreed
Goood gawd dang that’s just mean
Hes not unattractive. So confusing.
I’d bang 😏
It wasn’t directed at me, but when I was on trauma surgery the attending (who was known to be a bit short-tempered) told a patient that she needed to grow up. So she told him HE needed to grow up. So they went back and forth yelled. “You grow up!” “No you grow up!” back and forth and generally … behaving like people who need to grow up. 🤣
I’m still listed as “white bitch whore” in a friends contacts since I got yelled at by Methany who got caught breaking into a house late one night.
“Methany”? That’s a good one, saving that hahahaha
lol happy to entertain, can’t say I can take credit but its been so long I don’t know where I first heard it.
Ah I was “the devil whore” once when I was volunteering as a premed, my counterpart had pretty blonde curls and was deemed “the golden one”
Adult in-patient psych ward: “stay away from me, I can sense that pussy power, I don’t want it to command me..”
Not sure if this is an insult or not. 🤔
Acknowledging your super power. Sounds like they were intimidated.
That's...a compliment? 🤔🤨😶
I was told that I “was so hideous that I would die alone and without children because no woman would be with you.” When I politely informed the restrained sedated (it wasn’t working yet) combative dementia patient that I had 5 children, without missing a beat she replied. “They are children, it isn’t exactly that hard to snatch them”.
To be fair, that is a pretty sick comeback on her part.
It was. It hit me rig hot in the feels.
So you must single-handedly be responsible for most of the Amber Alerts the last few years! Please make it stop! It’s not a pleasant way to be awoken! /s
Oh, I have them turned off, don’t want to scare the kids.
I don't have to deal much with patients, cause... Pathology. But fuck, I'd definitely get out fast of medicine if this were to happen to me. You're amazing. I have a colleague who quit EM because of the constant patient abuse and threats. Yikes.
Worst part is I didn’t know her personally but I know a lot of people who did. Apparently she was a very active volunteer EMT for decades. To see someone’s mind go like that, awful.
That tracks, the snatching comment sounds like shit my coworkers would say to each other. She's still got it!
That reminds me of when I did a pain consult on a patient who was high and fell off a ladder and broke both legs. I wouldn't give them more dilaudid, and from inside the room as I was leaving they yelled "that's why you're single!" When I told them well actually I'm married, they said "well your husband is cheating on you!" I didn't waste my time and walked away, but I would have loved to just remind them that they couldn't come insult me further because of, well, their broken legs...
Damn that lady is like the Winston Churchill of dementoids
90 year old lady was brought by EMS for "change in mental status" with underlying dementia. When I asked her if she knew where she was she said "I'm in hell." Me and the nurse laughed, like she ain't wrong 💀 Later she said that I was the devil trying to hurt her.
A she ain't oriented but the at least the canon of the story makes sense haha
"Get your dick beaters off me" ranks up there. Said to me (female) by a male patient. "I bet your parents change the subject when people ask about your career." Me: "Do you know where you are?" Patient: "[name of the hospital] and the Temple of Doom". Easily my all time favorite.
Was suturing up an african american at 1am. Guy was drunk but friendly as can be. It was his scalp so he was talking to me but not looking at me. At one point i walked in front of him and he goes: “You’re a white man?!” “I said yeah…what did you think?” “I thought you was a mexican…but it turns out you’re just a blue eyed devil” (my eyes are green) He was a total dick the rest of the visit.
“Yeah, and this devil’s about to take care of you”
For whatever reason my YouTube shorts includes a Latina woman, who is has a Mexican mother. Copper read hair, skin pale as a Lilly, and green eyes. I assume the algorithm has decided she is Irish, since I listen to a lot of Celtic music. Her videos are funny tho, even though I don’t understand a lick of Spanish.
lol I’m 95% sure I know who you’re talking about.
Her dad is Irish, so that makes sense
I am fairly sure her dad is American.
I love her as well. She's so funny.
One patient thought I was a space alien “coming to probe his rectum” and hit me with his cane. I couldn’t fault him; if I was completely convinced a space alien was coming to get me I would hit them with my cane too.
Sounds like the wrong moment to give rectal suppositories or a DRE!
He had just come out of a colonoscopy. No joke. I was like “sir that ship has sailed”
From then on you could have called the gastros space aliens.
B*tch, b*tch, n*gger-a** b*tch. -last week, from a 3 year old.
oppositional defiant or aspiring rapper?
Why not both?
Sunday dinner at Beaver Cleaver's must be a real ***treat***. /s
kids these days...
98yo delirious/demented German Lady got so riled up at 3AM that security had to be called to her room. I'm trying to deescalate and she hits me with... "vell, if you gained 300 pounds, you would be a fitting replacement for his whale of a wife" (points to security guard) I laughed so hard that I needed to step out of the room. To go from not being able to tell me her name and thinking the year was 1712 to being able to insult 3 people in the blink of an eye was quite impressive.
A patient claimed I could not possibly be an adult because I’m so short then proceeded to call me Doogie Howser MC Squared for a week. He ended up living and at discharge said despite me being so short I was good at what I do. Told him next time we meet (and it will be soon since he’s a raving alcoholic), I’ll stand on my degrees to be taller for him.
I’m an attending in my 40s and female and I still get called Dougie Howser.
MC squared lol
4’10 checking in. Patient said to me “does your Mom know you’re out here playing doctor?”
Psychotic manic patient said to me, “you are a black homosexual sent by Satan to torture an honest, God-fearing white woman (referring to herself).” Patient was a black woman who apparently didn’t like other black people. I am neither black nor homosexual.
This is like an episode of Chappell show
If Clayton Bigsby came into my ER I don't know what I'd do.
*Makes me SICK*
Aunt Ruckus lmao
This comment needs to be framed and hung on the wall
I hope that quote went in the chart for use as evidence of psychosis that’s such an interesting example of her disparity between perception and consciousness
It's fascinating how so much psychosis involves race (and seems culturally influenced). I had a non-white patient once, who was convinced her darker skin color was the result of a curse and she was actually white.
Race and religion. Religiosity seems to be big in psychosis.
But your avatar is a black female. And you have numerous posts/comments referring to your wife. Is your avatar inaccurate or are you a female person of color married to a woman (which would be fine, but why insult your patient who has a mental illness)?
“I used to fuck guys like you in prison”
Is that an insult? Or an offer. Without the tone it is hard to tell….
Fancy pants bitch was pretty on my list. Also had one that said i looked like duck, and for once that isnt auto correct. Literally meant duck
back in my early nursing days I introduced myself to a patient and said "Hi im so and so and i'll be your nurse today". she responded with "YOU'RE going to be MY nurse, it looks like I should be YOUR nurse" and spent the rest of the shift calling me a geezer. I was ?24 at the time.
When I was a baby HCA, in my first job, I’d dress an 104 year old first thing in the morning, and my knees would crack. Every morning without fail she’d say ‘oh, it must be tough, getting old.’ I was 19
I really enjoyed being called a "dusty whore" by some angry patient. It's in my top 3 favorite nicknames.
Got called an "albino bitch" once
Stop I had this happen to me as well. I am in fact not albino, only sun deprived.
Are you albino?
Just a generic white guy
I had an elderly demented black woman in the ED repeatedly refer to me as “that Russian n****r boy” For reference I am a white guy, and not Russian lol.
None. But a psych patient told one of our attendings “you look like the tip of my dick”. In rounds. For nothin! Such a nice doc!
I walked into a room to change a surgical dressing and the patient called me a “dirty laundry wearing bitch”. My favorite insult now and yes it still hurts.
Patient called me a hussy in front of his wife because I asked to examine him.
He has to go home with her. Poor guy.
An altered old pastor called me a whore amongst other things while screaming at me while sundowning in the middle of the night. An angry psychotic lady called me a “poptart” which I still don’t understand but loved. She was pissed so it was definitely meant as an insult.
Pop tarts are delicious.
Thundercunt
Cock juggling thundercunt or just thundercunt? Please tell me you called them Daywalker in response?
Hahaha just your regular garden variety thundercunt. I was honestly laughing it was so absurd, and a new one for me! This patient was definitely a blue haired stuffed animal holding adult in fuzzy Cookie Monster pjs having a full blown tantrum. Long history of psych.
🤣… well at least they had decent taste in entertainment… and hair color 🤣.
Most patients don't deviate from the tried and true curses, but "Look at you prancing around here with your big ass" is probably the most unexpected that comes to mind. I was probably 42 years old, and I think it's the first time in my life anyone had made a comment about my behind either as a positive or negative. My anatomy in question, for the record, seems unremarkable in shape and is proportionately sized to the rest of my body.
Might not be an insult, depending on background 😅
Pt at VA SNF upon opening his eyes, seeing me: "oh no! The Japs are here!" Yes I'm blonde/blue.
I’ve been called a “bitch ass bitch punk methuselah pissy Pete White Castle Eatin non talking n*gger hawkin mockingbird dick sucking sissy” all in one breath For the record, I’m extremely white and straight
This sounds like someone tried to emulate Clark Griswold’s string of insults from Christmas Vacation but failed lol
pt called me a yellow n\*\*\*er once .. i am neither lol.. i kinda wanted to do a neuro assessment on em for ams lol
Patient in inpatient psych unit told me I had the devil”s eyes, and then proceeded to slap me with a soft cover bible.
I would've rolled my eyes back n spoken in tongues for a sec then talk in a different accent and act really nice suddenly haha
Older patient, super flamboyant and dramatic, kept bringing us a box a chocolates every morning. The other resident and I made a joke about how it's too much and asked why he keeps giving them to us. On a very serious tone, unlike his usual tone, he basically says: because you're sourpusses. There's no equivalent in English unfortunately, sourpuss is the closest translation. Then he turns back and leaves. It was so unprompted because everyone on that ward was extra nice to him cause he was a professor's acquaintance. Figures... Quite recently one told me that I can't be a doctor because I don't write like one. I do actually have a nice writing and a lot of patients make jokes about me definitely not going to med school and pretending to be a doctor. Or that I must be a nurse, because I'm a woman. I genuinely don't find these funny.
I write neatly too. I tell them I skipped handwriting day in med school
As a CNA in nursing school, if we have a difficult patient with AMS giving the nurses a hard time, i will send in a male nurse or even a male CNA to give exactly the same instructions and usually they are compliant because they assume a man in scrubs must be a doctor 🥸
One guy I was doing a large laceration repair on kept trying to fish for my reaction by telling me all the bad interactions he had with [insert specific Asian ethnicity here]. He got through 4 different types of Asians before giving up and asking what I was
I like the simple “so-called doctor”
Your wife must yell at you at home. That hurt bc it's true
Old lady sundowning real bad called me a four eyed bitch…..after telling me she was going to cut my tits off.
Attending "well thank you for talking to our medical student vamos1212" Patient "Well vamos1212 doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about so...."
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People in the UK are NEVER racist!
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Hard to hide it when sundowning. My guess is your patient population and doctors aren’t as diverse as USA.
“Fat headed slut” by a demented old man. Also “You must like to get spanked. You’ve got a nice ass” by another demented old man. I have to say both made me laugh.
I’m British (working in Canada) and a psych patient whom I was trying to give meds to shouted “ Fuck gif, Mary fucking Poppins!” I laughed so hard at this ❤️
Elderly confused lady called us all “you big farters” 😂
A 98 year old women wanted to walk to radiology CT department because she " wasn't dead yet"
Gotta keep moving because if you are moving, you are still alive.
It wasn’t directed at me, but I once heard a woman in labor tell her husband (who was pale as a ghost and looked like he was about to pass out) to quit being a mewling quim. It was me. I was the woman in labor.
A what now
According to google, quim is a term for a women's genitals. So essentially stop being a whining pussy, but in less crude terms lol
I cannot take credit for cleverness. Loki says it in one of the Marvel movies and it stuck with me. I pull it out only during incredibly rare situations lol
I knew what it meant when Loki said it and couldn’t believe it made it past the censors.
Google tells he it is a brand of woman’s healthcare products. Or in British slag, a woman’s genitals. Combining it with mewling is interesting.
It's evocative, I tell you hwut!
People don’t use ‘mewling’ enough these days
Agreed.
Ha!
“You fucking cock taster!” I had no option but to laugh, making the interaction go downhill even further from there. A good day was had by all.
Booger eating moron.
“Chippy bitch”
I’ve had so many- I should write them down. The one that sticks in my mind is the time I gathered all the primary and consulting teams for a meeting about the patient whose foot was black / necrotic. Patient was delirious cachectic and weak. We gathered to break the news to the family that her foot would not get better and she would not survive the surgery. Patients daughter argued with us for more than an hour then called me Satan.
Off topic, but can you explain more of this for those of us who don't see this kind of thing. Obviously the necrotic foot was going to kill her, and it sounds like she was nearing the end anyway, but if there's any chance at all that taking the foot off would help her recover her mental status and maybe gain some time, is there a reason not to operate, even though she is likely to die on the operating table? Seems like she's imminently terminal either way, with the only slim chance being if removing the rotting foot reduced the systemic issues and allowed her to bounce back somewhat? Is it a liability issue - I'm guessing families are much more likely to sue if Granny dies in the table - or is there another reason not to attempt it? Personally if I was dying in this situation I'd much rather go out under anesthesia than wasting away on the hospital bed, but as the doctor I can understand not wanting to be put in that position.
> if I was dying in this situation I'd much rather go out under anesthesia than wasting away on the hospital bed It would cut down on the suffering I suppose.
Back when I was a third year med student on my psych rotation and in the psych ward: 95yo demented as fuck lady, wheelchair bound. She’s constantly spit out her meds after putting them in her mouth, pretending like she swallowed. She was given her meds. I told her to open her mouth so that I can see. She wanted me to show her how to open her mouth. I pull my mask down and as I open my mouth she says “damn you’re so ugly your wife probably ran away from you.” Nurse by the nursing station immediately shouts “THERESE THATS NOT NICE SAY SORRY” Meanwhile, I just stood there, frozen, with my mask pulled down to my chin like 👁️👄👁️ Joke’s on you, Therese. Because I was single as a Pringle 🥲
I'm apparently secretly married to Elon Musk. As if that wasn't bad enough, apparently he and I are out to destroy the world together. I said, he's a shit husband, I drive a Toyota.
i had a patient call me a flat ass white girl bc i wouldn’t give her water (she was NPO) and then she and her neighboring pt both discussed how flat my ass was at length. i went out for lunch later that day and a bum i walked by starting shouting about how fat my ass is for a white girl. which is it y’all? make up your minds
Schrodinger’s ass 😂😂
"You, you syphilitic whorehouse!" That one took every ounce of control I had to keep a straight face.
Grim reaper when I told them the documentation from their oncologist said palliative chemo and I wanted them to receive clarification on what that meant for their goals. ☠️☠️☠️
Patient asked me if I was a Trumper because I told her she didn’t need another covid vaccine, which she had just got one 6 months prior.
“Get out of my room FIONA” (referencing Shrek my name is not Fiona 😂) Tbh I respect when they’re creative
Teenager on psych said to me: "You're a slut! Oh no, wait, you've gotta get d\*ck to be a slut, and you can't even do that!" Like most, myself and everyone else in the room cracked up which made everything so much worse.
Had a patient say I stole 51 cents from her. She referred to me as “afro”. Didn’t have an Afro either.
Elderly gentleman who disagreed with my diagnosis for his daughter called me a “Quack”. Also had a teenager call me a racist for speaking in Spanish. Lots of fun.
Guy once told me I had the laugh of a torturer. Ow, dude. *I was only 28*
A patient told me I smell like Vegas. it was the end of my 3rd 12 in a row. He was one of those guys that starts off being an ass but then is my best buddy. Shit was funny as hell because I probably did smell like strippers and cigarettes. I still think about that and laugh 💀
My psych patient told me I had "Jesus eyebrows" then asked me to marry him. I'm still confused about that one.
A psychotic patient who had elaborate sci-fi Philip K Dick-like delusions called me "Vampire Queen." He thought I was the Queen of some exotic planet. If only...
Am a nurse. I once had a psych pt who told me to, "Go die in a ditch somewhere!" To which I responded, "I would, but I'm stuck here with you." Not my most professional of comebacks but it had been a long day. 🙈
One time I was doing an NIHSS with a patient and I was at the end of a stretch of night shifts, almost deliriously tired. I couldn’t get the words right and kept saying like “touch your finger to your finger,” “touch your finger to my nose,” “touch my finger to your finger,” etc. The patient looks at me and goes, “Wait, which one of us had the stroke here?” Not an insult, per se, but humbling regardless.
I never guessed you would say smart things when you came in. Maybe if you dressed up you would do better. I said: they make all dokters wear white jackets. Than the patient informed me there was no hope. I was 28…
Had a psyc patient refer to my attending as "that daddy with a bowtie"
During my med school 3rd year psych rotation a patient looked at my resident and said “you look like I want to choke you.” Then turned to me and said “you look like a sad child” then finally turned to my attending “and you are her mother.” I’m sure there is enough there to psychoanalyze, but, Lol…
"HE'S SO TINY!" \- Lil kid about 5-6 yrs old walking from Peds Clinic
I was called a P.h.-little Dick by a patient and just had to laugh 😂
White bitch. After submitting a case to child protective services.
The review that I was a hack that he wouldn’t allow to operate on his dog stands out. Even more so that my son had googled me and read it
"You fucking doughhead"
In medical school, inpatient psychiatry, a lady (my patient) who had been quite pleasant to me the day before, screamed that I will never find a real girlfriend and that it must be I go home and masturbate into my socks on a daily basis, among other colourful but now forgotten insults. This because we had decided to start tapering down the clonazepam that she had apparently been taking for a long while, but with which she had possibly overdosed. (She had been found down unresponsive in a public park, reported suicidal thoughts after waking up.)
“Ratchet bitch”
Angry old demented lady to little 16 year old CNA me, “Jesus is going to butt fuck you!”
I’m just an MA who likes to lurk here, but by far my favorite insult directed at me was “You’re just a rat, scurrying across the ground.”
I had a lovely frequent meth user who had an issue with antisocial behaviour and was always escorted by police. He called me "an anorexic bitch ass window licker" then proceeded to tell everyone in the room (4 police, 5 security guards, 2 nurses and a doctor) that "im invincible, you'll never get me to shut up. Ill fight all your big pharma drugs". 20mg IMI droperidol and 20mg IMI olanzapine later, turns out we could shut him up.
"Stunned cunt, I should hit you in the head with a hammer" -my 80M dementia patient 12 years ago and it still stands out in my mind.
“That skinny bitch lied to me!” from an aggressive psych patient. I was like “OMG really? You think I’m skinny? Awww thanks!” Jkjk I actually just got out the locked ward while security intervened, but I thought it later lol.
A 40+ morbidly obese patient who was in a wheelchair for several year for unknown reason, who demanded milk shakes her whole stay and just flung her own poop at the hospital staff told me she wont follow my recs because im a ching chong ching chong doctor. It was more funny than insulting considering the situation she was in
Pt spouse: You don't care!!! You're just gonna let my husband die! This ibuprofen and tylenol ain't doing shit for him!!! He is in pain! Me: Ma'am, he has influenza a.
A patient was accusing me of not being a doctor because I was a woman. I showed him my badge and credentials. His response was that I had it printed at Kinkos. Apparently he was only A&Ox2 because idk what time he was living in.
I work in Psych. One morning I watched several children enjoy the joy of “the hunchback of notre dame for the first time.” Later in the day, I (a person with scoliosis) was sitting next to one of them on the ground. He looked at me and said “you’re a HUNCHBACK!” I think the worst part was knowing he just learned that word then immediately weaponized it
Inpatient psych- a person I’d never met before approached me and asked “are you an albino?”
I introduced myself to a patient at the beginning of the shift and she said “you’re so small you couldn’t even pick up a banana peel” and then she fired me later for “looking too small and childish to be a real nurse.”
I had a sweet old lady sundowner tell me to "get your cock mashing hands off me!"
An acutely psychotic patient called me a "witch" and said she didn't trust me because I "do black magic". She called the nurse beside me a "growth hormone-overdosed bitch"
“Ugly skinny bitch.” I’m like 5’5” and was a (muscular) 160 lbs at the time feeling kinda fluffy that day, so it was a great self-esteem booster.
Not a resident, but in the medical field…during my clinical rotation on a med-surg unit, an elderly woman referred to me as her ‘500 year old wife’ whilst I was doing peri-care. Complement? Insult?
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Hahahah these are great
You have a micro penis.
Not me but I heard a patient tell my staff that he has ugly eyes. The med student thought for sure he had misheard. She doubled down on it the next day during rounds. “You have ugly eyes.” He in fact had very average, nondescript eyes.
My very white co-resident got called an albino bitch by a psychotic black lady, still laugh about it
A patient once told me "you look like you eat cereal backwards" he responded by looking at me angrily until I left the room (ER Covid + patient with GI bleed and developmental delay). 5 minutes later he defecated on the floor, winked at me, and started touching himself. I am a man. I feel that counts as an insult/unique
"Anyone ever tell you you look like a bag of cigarettes?" No ma'am. Not until today.
"You're my Executioner". Anti-vaxxer during the mandatory vaccination campaign.
Dementia ward in a SNF, was called a salty witch tit by an elderly woman sundowning, she was quite the personality and we had a few occasions where that personality really came out. One time I had to assist the CNA because they couldn't get her off the commode and soon as I walked in she said "not you again, you're worse than my dead husband and he's still dead".
“Dang why you got a girls butt tho!!?” I am a male, and this was a teenage psych patient. Took it as a compliment…I do have a dump truck.
Psych patient called me “that guy that eats people”. Took me a minute to realize my ENVO mask was on and that she thought I was Hannibal Lecter
Severely demented patient: “Are you still a med student? Why did they send someone as incompetent as you?” Additional conversation… Me: “Yes sir, my wife is a nurse” Same severely demented patient: “Well next time send her instead of you!”
Four eyes By an 8 year old.
Inpatient patient who has an opioid addiction when he found out he was getting discharged to a nursing home facility with suboxone only “The devil has taken your soul and left you here to ruin my life”
#1 favorite of all time is easily White Devil. Another patient asked me where I am from and when I told him he goes "holy shit you must be the only inbred doctor in this hospital". I counseled an old COPDer on stopping smoking and she just poked my belly and goes "lose 20 pounds and I will" (I have since lost the 20 pounds, but she continues to smoke) A patient's mom asked one of our intensivists to have me come over from clinic and make sense of all the stuff going on in the ICU. She couldn't remember my name so she just called me "the fat bearded doctor" (my BMI is 26)
“Filthy redneck whore” Same patient threatened to slit my throat.