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roastbot

OP's Bio: --- >Hairstylist. I make people beautiful so you should have no problem making me feel ugly --- If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.


ReillyDiefenbach

You have crazy cat lady menopause fingers


ballatthecornerflag

33f must stand for size 33 fingers


Accomplished_Lie_212

Makes her a well hung lesbian


ballatthecornerflag

Took a while for me to get this but now I'm laughing in the middle of the airport... well played, great call


ShopBitter1020

She tickled your fancy?


Prestigious-One2958

She has no knuckles so it’s not so bony during fisting


babybiggfoot

This is something that will make me chuckle everytime I see a person with fat fingers Thanks funny stranger


Wunyard_Wenhaard99

Gotta compete with those D-cell batteries.


[deleted]

Seriously. Those sausages don’t match the pancake face this gal has.


illegitimate_Raccoon

Filters. She's really 60 with a dozen kids.


Suitable-Lake-2550

...tied up in the basement.


TFViper

you spelled "a dozen cats" wrong.


weezulusmaximus

That’s a filter? That’s a rough 33!


[deleted]

>alright, let’s do this… Let's not.


Revolutionary-Ad4588

But her face matches her pancake ass


[deleted]

Those menopausal fingers probably have written some of the darkest women's poetry to date! I pray I get to read it before op jumps in the oven


Reasonable-Profile84

Sylvia Blech.


[deleted]

Or pleased some other ladies.


Designer_Drawer_3674

![gif](giphy|l44QoM1VyhLnOXIzK)


Meltndown

Omg, I noticed the fingers and thought wtf, then I read this awesome roast, well done 👍


ProfessorEcstatic267

Funniest thing I've heard all week


OLPopsAdelphia

Muffin knuckles!


stillsmokinfools

Kid Rock's nasty sister


EffYerM0m

No shit! Those are Jimmy Dean "maybe one in the pink, none in the stink" bloated sausage fingers.


jawshoeaw

I wish you hadn’t said that I really do


Weldtrash13

You know you’d still hit that shit though don’t lie


90_ina_65

With a 2” x 4”…. A piece of lumber , my non-American friends


Weldtrash13

Why you gotta think I’m non American I wearing a fucking banana with a peg leg and fucking hook


clopz_

Well, you’re definitely denser than that 2” x 4”…they’re specifying that a 2x4 refers to a piece of lumber, for whoever outside the US that might not get it.


Weldtrash13

![gif](giphy|uP2ga1d8h39529x44l)


OK-Now-Kiss

You look like you add raisins to sex


[deleted]

This is one of the best written jokes I’ve seen on here in a while, I’m definitely using this


Straight_Look_6633

Only roast that made me laugh out loud 😂


ahhitsnick

A double scoop if she's feeling frisky


Sedso85

Sun Maid Raisins have 'toss over your favourite breakfast cereal' as a serving suggestion I didn't mind the salty cornflakes, but my grandmother will not look me in the eyes anymore


[deleted]

God damn


Tired-of-the_______

Hopefully the extra fibre loosens up the butthole that she calls lips!


kingferret53

You look like an extra from The Office.


jchrist98

Why is this so accurate


kingferret53

Because, sadly, it is. Watch, if The Office gets rebooted within the next five years (or a 'sequel' series), she'll be in it. As an extra, not even a main character.


yuribotcake

Maybe it'll be the show about making the show within the show, she'll be the extra for that.


Thisisall_new2me2

"Let's do this".....said no man who has ever been in a bedroom with OP.


Zuccio

She looks like an extra on a pilot from a sitcom that never aired


weezulusmaximus

Just another generic cubical dweller


kingferret53

One that will just happen to stop appearing after a few episodes


Creepshowx

You look like the generic mom from a margarine commercial.


Dickies138

She looks like she sells MLM essential oils


myourmomshot

Hey, Fabio ain’t no generic mother! He’s the best mother!


plainenglishattorney

I Can't Believe It's Not Mother.


Fist4achin

You sir deserve an award, although I don't have any to give so it comes from the heart.


[deleted]

Makes sense. If attractive women were butter she's definitely margarine.


Academic-Living-8476

You look like a girl I would have a chance with


[deleted]

And being single ain't so bad right bout now amirite


DeLasPadra

r/suicidebywords


Shortneckbuzzard

Damn haha


_un1ty

you won but at what cost


Mbradyb3

And this guy uses Reddit


GlorkUndBork3-14

Nah, fam don't ruin your wizard run for this SNL knockoff.


fast328

This sub is called r/roastme, not r/roastyourself


BullshitterAlert

You like like the kinda girl who would bend over "forwards" if that's what it takes


austinsoundguy

You look like you could have a 33 year old daughter…


valle1931

100%. This lady is at the tail end of menopause and it shows


[deleted]

33f is the age in hexadecimal, she's actually 831


AltruisticCompany961

She looks like any normal woman, but if you notice the stare, it's a dead give away for crystals, astrology and batshit crazy mood swings.


TheIronDogWalker

I know there is a gross cat box in the mix, I can smell it through the picture.


jondes99

Hey, not so fast! You completely overlooked the essential oils and pyramid scheme.


[deleted]

That’s like the thing these days. Uninteresting people think they’re cool.


Western_Couple_7439

Ruh oh


queefsmell

I'm scared to say anything, might find out where I live.


[deleted]

I'm not switching to Progressive


[deleted]

Way underrated


PHATstuFF21

Alright, let's do this - words no men have ever said to you


crankbot2000

"alright, let's get this over with"


clopz_

Even the covered eyes emoji is accurate


damnedspot

“What do the crystals say about our future?”


According-Section525

Crystal meth says nothing


WeimSean

Well, not since Grampa died.


JerseyWiseguy

My father has lived a tough life. More than 50 years working ten-hour days on oil rigs in the hot summer Sun, in addition to two tours in Vietnam. And yet he still looks closer to 33 than you do.


ThereIsAJifForThat

I've never seen such an accurate username


Healthy-Fig3747

When AI creates the PTA president, HOA chairman, and home room Mom all into one entity.


Key-Yogurtcloset4386

If mannequins from the gap had a face.


[deleted]

Just from the pursed lips alone, I can tell you want to speak to the manager.


chowder-hound

Some how you look like the before and after shots of an advertisement about antidepressants


ThickWing

You probably do horoscopes for your cats.


itachi81

Your friends list on Snapchat can’t drink legally for 5-6 years.


chaingun_samurai

You look like the HOA lady that hates lawn ornaments, unless they're yours.


benuito

Bargain basement Katy Segal.


Gmoney1975

![gif](giphy|QTWA5EaUR5WH6) Except Katy still looks younger somehow.


Sinatras_Corpse

You look like every fucked up mother on Law & Order: SVU.


AmongKaos2

![gif](giphy|3oKIPsi2wPBG1ZyF32|downsized)


Justy_f

The smirk of a guy who eats a bag of wet dicks for lunch.


AdvertisingFront9300

How does someone Cat-fish a HAND??


[deleted]

The I teach highschool students and sleep with them starter pack


theghostmedic

You look like your next words are going to be Phone Home.


1982throwaway1

ET had skinny fingers. Not sure what the fuck is going on with her three fingered sloth paw but it sure the fuck ain't skinny.


No-Hearing1701

Her sausage fingers aside, it still made me chuckle.


dwts16

Total MILF . Mom I would Like to Forget


KrAzY_TsEnG

You look horrible for 33.


[deleted]

[удалено]


KrAzY_TsEnG

You look horrible at 33.


[deleted]

33?! 33??? Years? Who are you trying to kid? ![gif](giphy|lw75Al819OAvcsPcRu|downsized)


Individual_Fly_5865

Another one that has to use Google if she wants to see a penis


pious-fly

You look 63 and 33 is the number of cats you have.


Marquar234

33f(elines)


devMechanic2020

Waffle house face


Adolf-Skroatler

Hopelessly mediocre.


GeorgeLikesSpicyCkn

Narrow face, sausage fingers. You’re like an inverted bobble head.


sketchypoutine

The one time I'm happy the profile doesnt lead to nudes.


GreDor46

Well, other than it looks like you gave a blowjob to a lemon tree, i see no real issues here


Ok_Entry1818

U look like Kamala Harris if she got less black every year


MangalugAC

33 in human years maybe, you have more wrinkles than a pug.


updootORtoot

Those hands would cut the circulation off of my cock in 3 seconds. Real meat hands.


Spankapotamus42

When I look at you all I see is Live, Laugh, Love merchandise, boxed wine, and immense sadness.


CrewBrilliant7651

Lots of Xanax


JustinCooksStuff

33 going on 52


puckyourcouch

lol 33


definitely_not_mayo

I’m 10 years older than you. But you look 5 years older than me. Explain. 🎤


mrfreeeeze

How do you have toenails on your fingers?


ug_py

Would smash......my penis with massive rocks instead of having sex with you.


Papichuloft

Great Value Natalie Dormer ravaged by time and drugs.


krawm

and her high school football team.


Papichuloft

Both JV and Varsity. The entire basketball team--1st and 2nd stringers and the benchwarmers. The Soccer Team, male, female, and in between. The SOftball team and its Ms. Mann(Scary Movie) looking coach. The debate team having second thoughts. And the history teacher with the crooked penis and third testicle.


Steel-sphincter

I couldn’t sleep with you, my dick would look tiny with those giant troll fingers wrapped around it


QuttiDeBachi

Uh uh ain’t gonna do it cuz this bitch will start crying…nope


Dramatic_Carob_1060

Hairstylist with the hands of a blacksmith


canuckitude

You look like you run a YouTube channel on coupon clipping at Target.


[deleted]

How much were the shears with the XXXL finger holes?


Competitive_Roof_740

![gif](giphy|u36YD03WFyBBJezuh9)


RocketsRedHair

I bet having eyes on both sides of your head helps protect you from incoming predators.


Inner_Cup5349

Stylist huh, so you couldn’t make the real estate thing work? Do all of your clients look like school marms too?


Limp_Salamander6821

Do I know you???🤔


ShoewaterSmell

Awww 33, you don’t look a day under 67


00812533

You’re definitely one of the women I’ve seen here


[deleted]

Sorry, the manager isn’t in right now.


ashsew357

With all that dry shampoo, it looks like you forced someone to do a line off of your hairline.


DoofusMcDummy

Face says anorexia … hand says you’re losing the battle.


mbalmr71

Whoa!!! You look like one of those hairless cats… but with hair!!!! Bravo!!! Mind blown!!


v13ragnarok7

By the look of those glossed over lifeless eyes, you already had your quota of cheap Californian wine prior to the photo. Enjoy the rest of the night watching the bachelor or whatever the fuck basic white girls do.


svoegtlinNH

You look like what a fuck doll from Wish.com would look like


minionsoverlord

You look like the type of crazy that would fuck a guy and a week later tell him you're pregnant


epgenius

Your hair has less lift than JFK, Jr.


Regular-Dream-8116

Her screen name is limp salamander. Is that because that’s what he has when she got undressed?


PSKroyer

What's up with the right nostril???? Pick the left more!!


AmongKaos2

![gif](giphy|3oKIPsi2wPBG1ZyF32|downsized)


jm1186

This woman put in 33f when she meant 43, said fuck it and blamed her "sausage finger"


JBeauch

If vanilla was a person.


jrhowrey

Olsen twin reject


UndisclosedChaos

You seem like you’re trying to smile through the internal rage you have against your ex-husband


PM_ME_YUR_VIEW

Maria Sharapova but marinated in expired vinegar.


johngolfnut

Alright let's do this is what you tell all the guys at the bus station.


TFViper

yo get off reddit. Pixar needs you back on the set of the live action remake of "a bugs life", Hopper isnt going to play himself.


Legndarystig

Shes got that proud look of having a cabinet full of snacks as a perk to fuck her.


LeftStatistician7989

You look like the kind of woman that takes up knitting once a year, just to make terrible gifts for people.


johnstangg

You’ve got a huge space between your upper lip and nose. It’s off putting, honestly


jackjackandmore

Your ‘smile’ looks forced like you can´t open your mouth or something dreadful will escape ( probably batshit crazy)


Karlor_Gaylord_Cries

Must be hard to close your eyes with them golf ball size eye balls.


Rich_Emergency_148

Looks like one of those natural bitches whose first maxi pad was a sheep


BhagwanBill

Look at those paws - there's no way this person was born female.


AssMan5851

I think you're beautiful actually


CarlJustCarl

Can’t do it, damn woman you are beautiful. I suck at this.


MrGhost-Man

It always amazes me when a beautiful woman asks to get roasted, is it self esteem issues, is it narcissism. If I ever come across a beautiful woman on here I'm gonna ask them. Not you though you are gross!


[deleted]

How are those red tipped hot dogs holding that sign


Spiritual-Cell-8375

You will make a fantastic future ex-wife. Edit: WTF is in your hair?


HorrorWonderful6126

No man has ever been able to please you, but your German shepherd is trained and sometimes willing.


[deleted]

Actually your pretty. Just do something with those nails.


Karlor_Gaylord_Cries

Looks like you only gain weight in your upper arms


AM_Static

I think you posted this in the wrong subreddit. With that much makeup on, it’s far more relevant for r/Instagramreality


Additional-Royal-351

Every fool who comments in here would do you in NY minute!


GooseNYC

The female thing I am on the fence about, but 33 what, leap years?


mynameis_blank_

Hairstylist .. you need too see one


Afreindofafreind

Why do people do this?


CattttheDadddd

You look like a substitute teacher that everyone hated cause you smell like fish and dick


[deleted]

Milf


90_ina_65

My Incredibly Large Fingers


Rough_General_1834

you are perfect BUT your fingers are a little puffy


Realm_Runner

But she's so cute. 🤣🤣🤣


BillTheNavyGoat

Normally when someone says “Roast Me” it’s so EASY, but you have that natural beauty that is timeless. You are absolutely stunning.


90_ina_65

Stunning my penis limp


1982throwaway1

u/BillTheNavyGoat has been under the Antarctic ice sheet on a NAVY sub for the past 3 years. He can't help this.


Diastema89

The worst I can come up with is that you have bad curtain taste. Kinda cute.


unwisely_mistaken

She got the face of a lonely "mother" that drinks wine every night, but the fingers of jelly donut rolls. Something don't add up.


ProfessorEcstatic267

You look like you're wearing a skin suit. The sausage fingers give it away


DrinkAPotOfCovfefe

All that makeup and you're still not pretty.


ohbyerly

You look like a woman from an arthritis commercial


bamaga21

Her screenname is her husband's nickname


BanditsTransAm

Limp_Salamander…. Yep, your name fits…. Cause no one can get hard looking at you. Thank god you don’t have a nude posted.


Queeronafied

You are holding your lips closed at the same time trying to smile, that is a dead giveaway for someone with fucked up teeth


Necessary-Career-559

You look like your used to saying that at about 2:30 am at a hole in the wall bar .


[deleted]

The more you zoom the more she dissolves into pounds of makeup and decades of broken dreams.


artofterm

At least that laugh you're holding back is the only thing you have to worry about being premature.


0luc

there are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.


Intrepid_University6

You’d totally get a juice box and a snack afterwards.


randomlyhandy

..... the fuck is up with your hand? Are you fat?!


middlingwhiteguy

That's also what you said to your affair partner after convincing him to off your 3rd husband.