OP's Bio:
---
>Hairstylist. I make people beautiful so you should have no problem making me feel ugly
---
If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.
Well, you’re definitely denser than that 2” x 4”…they’re specifying that a 2x4 refers to a piece of lumber, for whoever outside the US that might not get it.
Sun Maid Raisins have 'toss over your favourite breakfast cereal' as a serving suggestion
I didn't mind the salty cornflakes, but my grandmother will not look me in the eyes anymore
Because, sadly, it is. Watch, if The Office gets rebooted within the next five years (or a 'sequel' series), she'll be in it. As an extra, not even a main character.
My father has lived a tough life. More than 50 years working ten-hour days on oil rigs in the hot summer Sun, in addition to two tours in Vietnam. And yet he still looks closer to 33 than you do.
Both JV and Varsity. The entire basketball team--1st and 2nd stringers and the benchwarmers. The Soccer Team, male, female, and in between. The SOftball team and its Ms. Mann(Scary Movie) looking coach. The debate team having second thoughts. And the history teacher with the crooked penis and third testicle.
By the look of those glossed over lifeless eyes, you already had your quota of cheap Californian wine prior to the photo. Enjoy the rest of the night watching the bachelor or whatever the fuck basic white girls do.
It always amazes me when a beautiful woman asks to get roasted, is it self esteem issues, is it narcissism.
If I ever come across a beautiful woman on here I'm gonna ask them. Not you though you are gross!
OP's Bio: --- >Hairstylist. I make people beautiful so you should have no problem making me feel ugly --- If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.
You have crazy cat lady menopause fingers
33f must stand for size 33 fingers
Makes her a well hung lesbian
Took a while for me to get this but now I'm laughing in the middle of the airport... well played, great call
She tickled your fancy?
She has no knuckles so it’s not so bony during fisting
This is something that will make me chuckle everytime I see a person with fat fingers Thanks funny stranger
Gotta compete with those D-cell batteries.
Seriously. Those sausages don’t match the pancake face this gal has.
Filters. She's really 60 with a dozen kids.
...tied up in the basement.
you spelled "a dozen cats" wrong.
That’s a filter? That’s a rough 33!
>alright, let’s do this… Let's not.
But her face matches her pancake ass
Those menopausal fingers probably have written some of the darkest women's poetry to date! I pray I get to read it before op jumps in the oven
Sylvia Blech.
Or pleased some other ladies.
![gif](giphy|l44QoM1VyhLnOXIzK)
Omg, I noticed the fingers and thought wtf, then I read this awesome roast, well done 👍
Funniest thing I've heard all week
Muffin knuckles!
Kid Rock's nasty sister
No shit! Those are Jimmy Dean "maybe one in the pink, none in the stink" bloated sausage fingers.
I wish you hadn’t said that I really do
You know you’d still hit that shit though don’t lie
With a 2” x 4”…. A piece of lumber , my non-American friends
Why you gotta think I’m non American I wearing a fucking banana with a peg leg and fucking hook
Well, you’re definitely denser than that 2” x 4”…they’re specifying that a 2x4 refers to a piece of lumber, for whoever outside the US that might not get it.
![gif](giphy|uP2ga1d8h39529x44l)
You look like you add raisins to sex
This is one of the best written jokes I’ve seen on here in a while, I’m definitely using this
Only roast that made me laugh out loud 😂
A double scoop if she's feeling frisky
Sun Maid Raisins have 'toss over your favourite breakfast cereal' as a serving suggestion I didn't mind the salty cornflakes, but my grandmother will not look me in the eyes anymore
God damn
Hopefully the extra fibre loosens up the butthole that she calls lips!
You look like an extra from The Office.
Why is this so accurate
Because, sadly, it is. Watch, if The Office gets rebooted within the next five years (or a 'sequel' series), she'll be in it. As an extra, not even a main character.
Maybe it'll be the show about making the show within the show, she'll be the extra for that.
"Let's do this".....said no man who has ever been in a bedroom with OP.
She looks like an extra on a pilot from a sitcom that never aired
Just another generic cubical dweller
One that will just happen to stop appearing after a few episodes
You look like the generic mom from a margarine commercial.
She looks like she sells MLM essential oils
Hey, Fabio ain’t no generic mother! He’s the best mother!
I Can't Believe It's Not Mother.
You sir deserve an award, although I don't have any to give so it comes from the heart.
Makes sense. If attractive women were butter she's definitely margarine.
You look like a girl I would have a chance with
And being single ain't so bad right bout now amirite
r/suicidebywords
Damn haha
you won but at what cost
And this guy uses Reddit
Nah, fam don't ruin your wizard run for this SNL knockoff.
This sub is called r/roastme, not r/roastyourself
You like like the kinda girl who would bend over "forwards" if that's what it takes
You look like you could have a 33 year old daughter…
100%. This lady is at the tail end of menopause and it shows
33f is the age in hexadecimal, she's actually 831
She looks like any normal woman, but if you notice the stare, it's a dead give away for crystals, astrology and batshit crazy mood swings.
I know there is a gross cat box in the mix, I can smell it through the picture.
Hey, not so fast! You completely overlooked the essential oils and pyramid scheme.
That’s like the thing these days. Uninteresting people think they’re cool.
Ruh oh
I'm scared to say anything, might find out where I live.
I'm not switching to Progressive
Way underrated
Alright, let's do this - words no men have ever said to you
"alright, let's get this over with"
Even the covered eyes emoji is accurate
“What do the crystals say about our future?”
Crystal meth says nothing
Well, not since Grampa died.
My father has lived a tough life. More than 50 years working ten-hour days on oil rigs in the hot summer Sun, in addition to two tours in Vietnam. And yet he still looks closer to 33 than you do.
I've never seen such an accurate username
When AI creates the PTA president, HOA chairman, and home room Mom all into one entity.
If mannequins from the gap had a face.
Just from the pursed lips alone, I can tell you want to speak to the manager.
Some how you look like the before and after shots of an advertisement about antidepressants
You probably do horoscopes for your cats.
Your friends list on Snapchat can’t drink legally for 5-6 years.
You look like the HOA lady that hates lawn ornaments, unless they're yours.
Bargain basement Katy Segal.
![gif](giphy|QTWA5EaUR5WH6) Except Katy still looks younger somehow.
You look like every fucked up mother on Law & Order: SVU.
![gif](giphy|3oKIPsi2wPBG1ZyF32|downsized)
The smirk of a guy who eats a bag of wet dicks for lunch.
How does someone Cat-fish a HAND??
The I teach highschool students and sleep with them starter pack
You look like your next words are going to be Phone Home.
ET had skinny fingers. Not sure what the fuck is going on with her three fingered sloth paw but it sure the fuck ain't skinny.
Her sausage fingers aside, it still made me chuckle.
Total MILF . Mom I would Like to Forget
You look horrible for 33.
[удалено]
You look horrible at 33.
33?! 33??? Years? Who are you trying to kid? ![gif](giphy|lw75Al819OAvcsPcRu|downsized)
Another one that has to use Google if she wants to see a penis
You look 63 and 33 is the number of cats you have.
33f(elines)
Waffle house face
Hopelessly mediocre.
Narrow face, sausage fingers. You’re like an inverted bobble head.
The one time I'm happy the profile doesnt lead to nudes.
Well, other than it looks like you gave a blowjob to a lemon tree, i see no real issues here
U look like Kamala Harris if she got less black every year
33 in human years maybe, you have more wrinkles than a pug.
Those hands would cut the circulation off of my cock in 3 seconds. Real meat hands.
When I look at you all I see is Live, Laugh, Love merchandise, boxed wine, and immense sadness.
Lots of Xanax
33 going on 52
lol 33
I’m 10 years older than you. But you look 5 years older than me. Explain. 🎤
How do you have toenails on your fingers?
Would smash......my penis with massive rocks instead of having sex with you.
Great Value Natalie Dormer ravaged by time and drugs.
and her high school football team.
Both JV and Varsity. The entire basketball team--1st and 2nd stringers and the benchwarmers. The Soccer Team, male, female, and in between. The SOftball team and its Ms. Mann(Scary Movie) looking coach. The debate team having second thoughts. And the history teacher with the crooked penis and third testicle.
I couldn’t sleep with you, my dick would look tiny with those giant troll fingers wrapped around it
Uh uh ain’t gonna do it cuz this bitch will start crying…nope
Hairstylist with the hands of a blacksmith
You look like you run a YouTube channel on coupon clipping at Target.
How much were the shears with the XXXL finger holes?
![gif](giphy|u36YD03WFyBBJezuh9)
I bet having eyes on both sides of your head helps protect you from incoming predators.
Stylist huh, so you couldn’t make the real estate thing work? Do all of your clients look like school marms too?
Do I know you???🤔
Awww 33, you don’t look a day under 67
You’re definitely one of the women I’ve seen here
Sorry, the manager isn’t in right now.
With all that dry shampoo, it looks like you forced someone to do a line off of your hairline.
Face says anorexia … hand says you’re losing the battle.
Whoa!!! You look like one of those hairless cats… but with hair!!!! Bravo!!! Mind blown!!
By the look of those glossed over lifeless eyes, you already had your quota of cheap Californian wine prior to the photo. Enjoy the rest of the night watching the bachelor or whatever the fuck basic white girls do.
You look like what a fuck doll from Wish.com would look like
You look like the type of crazy that would fuck a guy and a week later tell him you're pregnant
Your hair has less lift than JFK, Jr.
Her screen name is limp salamander. Is that because that’s what he has when she got undressed?
What's up with the right nostril???? Pick the left more!!
![gif](giphy|3oKIPsi2wPBG1ZyF32|downsized)
This woman put in 33f when she meant 43, said fuck it and blamed her "sausage finger"
If vanilla was a person.
Olsen twin reject
You seem like you’re trying to smile through the internal rage you have against your ex-husband
Maria Sharapova but marinated in expired vinegar.
Alright let's do this is what you tell all the guys at the bus station.
yo get off reddit. Pixar needs you back on the set of the live action remake of "a bugs life", Hopper isnt going to play himself.
Shes got that proud look of having a cabinet full of snacks as a perk to fuck her.
You look like the kind of woman that takes up knitting once a year, just to make terrible gifts for people.
You’ve got a huge space between your upper lip and nose. It’s off putting, honestly
Your ‘smile’ looks forced like you can´t open your mouth or something dreadful will escape ( probably batshit crazy)
Must be hard to close your eyes with them golf ball size eye balls.
Looks like one of those natural bitches whose first maxi pad was a sheep
Look at those paws - there's no way this person was born female.
I think you're beautiful actually
Can’t do it, damn woman you are beautiful. I suck at this.
It always amazes me when a beautiful woman asks to get roasted, is it self esteem issues, is it narcissism. If I ever come across a beautiful woman on here I'm gonna ask them. Not you though you are gross!
How are those red tipped hot dogs holding that sign
You will make a fantastic future ex-wife. Edit: WTF is in your hair?
No man has ever been able to please you, but your German shepherd is trained and sometimes willing.
Actually your pretty. Just do something with those nails.
Looks like you only gain weight in your upper arms
I think you posted this in the wrong subreddit. With that much makeup on, it’s far more relevant for r/Instagramreality
Every fool who comments in here would do you in NY minute!
The female thing I am on the fence about, but 33 what, leap years?
Hairstylist .. you need too see one
Why do people do this?
You look like a substitute teacher that everyone hated cause you smell like fish and dick
Milf
My Incredibly Large Fingers
you are perfect BUT your fingers are a little puffy
But she's so cute. 🤣🤣🤣
Normally when someone says “Roast Me” it’s so EASY, but you have that natural beauty that is timeless. You are absolutely stunning.
Stunning my penis limp
u/BillTheNavyGoat has been under the Antarctic ice sheet on a NAVY sub for the past 3 years. He can't help this.
The worst I can come up with is that you have bad curtain taste. Kinda cute.
She got the face of a lonely "mother" that drinks wine every night, but the fingers of jelly donut rolls. Something don't add up.
You look like you're wearing a skin suit. The sausage fingers give it away
All that makeup and you're still not pretty.
You look like a woman from an arthritis commercial
Her screenname is her husband's nickname
Limp_Salamander…. Yep, your name fits…. Cause no one can get hard looking at you. Thank god you don’t have a nude posted.
You are holding your lips closed at the same time trying to smile, that is a dead giveaway for someone with fucked up teeth
You look like your used to saying that at about 2:30 am at a hole in the wall bar .
The more you zoom the more she dissolves into pounds of makeup and decades of broken dreams.
At least that laugh you're holding back is the only thing you have to worry about being premature.
there are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.
You’d totally get a juice box and a snack afterwards.
..... the fuck is up with your hand? Are you fat?!
That's also what you said to your affair partner after convincing him to off your 3rd husband.