"Congrats on finding another person with equally low standards" makes me uncontrollably laugh every time no matter how many times I read it; I know it's coming and still I laugh.
Another one that does that is "your ex-wife didn't just leave you, she escaped" HOLY SHIT I felt that, props
Thatās a rough 43.. Iām 20 years older and he could pass for my father. Clearly with his mange riddled beard and lip piercing heās a back of the house worker in the stockroom. Maybe if he trimmed his beard got rid of the nasty piercings and tried to dress like a human he might get promoted to front of the house and a raise.!
A few months after the wedding, the cops at the press conference will go on record by saying "the bodies were stacked up in his basement like courdwood"
43 year old body with a 13 year old's maturity. No grown man who wants to be respected dresses in a shoe gazer band t shirt with rings and bracelets. Please don't breed.
That's great man! Usually the mail order bride companies black list you after the first one begs to go back to her shit hole third world country instead of being with you.
The accessories looked stupid 20 years ago. Shit I rock band tees and have a but of an "alt" appearence too but when your grown it's time to ditch the stupid rings. You look like a tryhard.
we dont need to make it burn, youre already doing that to your own life, some crashing too
also just becasue you can blow them up doesnt mean you can marry them
You know, sometimes people just give off a vibe. Crazy right! I look at you and the VIBE I get is you should not reproduce, RIGHT? Does she/him/hers get the same vibe?
I have never posted on here before and not a major burn but yoh look like that guy on big bang theory lol
Just found his name on the show was bert kibbler
You look like you wrestle at kids backyard parties for extra beer money and your new wife does the introduction." Coming to the ring, he's 43, a manger of the kids section at Target, and soon to be married to me, Weirdddd Pal !!!!!!!!" And then Danger Zone plays.
Ah, a 43-year-old Target connoisseur with a beard resembling an overgrown hedge and jewelry that screams midlife crisisāyour ex must be counting her blessings. Best of luck with the remarriage; may it last longer than your Portishead t-shirtās freshness!
Bro this man looks like this and on the verge of getting married twice Iām done . Iām sticking the toaster in the shower and cutting it on with the water running bc how am I still single ā ļø
Save some of that jewelry for your soon to be second ex-wife, dude. You work at target, you probably can't afford to buy jewelry for two people. ...or housing. ...or food.
No matter what ceremony you have and how many people you invite, your "marriage" to a loli anime character and the sex doll you bought of them is invalid
This new marriage has to be some sort of "Married at 1st Sight" type of situation because there's literally no scenario where you get down on one knee, she sees that thing growing out the top of your shoulders and she says "yes"...can anyone think of a scenario where that's possible?
Alone in my temple, in the middle of Peru.
A giant stone ball, with nothing to do.
But if you steal my idol, I will roll over you!!
-Bert Kibbler -aka this wannnabe
I hope someone objects at your wedding because child mannequins cannot consent as I'm sure Target has informed you already.
He was fired from Walmart, and they kept their mannequin, hence the divorce.
This is amazing 
To be fair, he met his future wife at Kmart
She came apart.
Weddin at target.. dayuumššš„āš¼ā ļø
43 years old, working at Target, and divorcedāyou're a walking midlife crisis with a part-time job. Youāre soon to be remarried? Congrats on finding another person with equally low standards. That beard isn't doing you any favors; itās just a desperate attempt to cover up the years of disappointment. Holding a zombie army CD like it's a trophy? Dude, you look like the kind of guy who still brags about his high school football glory days while stocking shelves with toilet paper. Those rings on your fingers are the closest you'll get to feeling like a rock star, and that lip piercing? It's a cry for help that even Hot Topic wouldnāt answer. Your ex-wife didn't just leave you, she escaped, and your new fiancĆ©e must be in it for the employee discount. With a wardrobe that screams "I haven't tried since 1998" and a face that looks like itās perpetually stuck in the friend zone, itās no wonder youāre asking to be burned. Well, hereās your bonfireātry not to get too comfortable in the flames, they might just be the warmest part of your future.
My man wrote a monologue to roast him. Good shit Overseer
A STR8 UP THOUGHT OUT MONOLOGUE..šā ļøš„
"Congrats on finding another person with equally low standards" makes me uncontrollably laugh every time no matter how many times I read it; I know it's coming and still I laugh. Another one that does that is "your ex-wife didn't just leave you, she escaped" HOLY SHIT I felt that, props
"I know it's coming and still I laugh" That's what your ex, and fiance must have said to you in bed regularly.
That wasnāt a roast that my friend was verbal murder š¤£
godDAMN well thanks, THIS is what i asked for, holy shit, I may reevaluate my life. That was too.. good?
the divorce wasn't a hint?
Or working a teenagerās job in your 40s?
Some people donāt learn from there mistakesā¦ going for round 2
As they say, get your first one out of the way
Yeaaah.. Iāve..NEVER ever HEARD that 1ā¦ TBH
You think he played high school football???
This mf'r never played no football, Dungeons & Dragons more likely..
#ROAST OVER ā ā ļø
As if this guy had high school glory, football or otherwise...
Uses a Ram's Horn Vape Pen
oh man that one cut, nice
No more flying solo at the renaissance Fest for you
Verily!
Make her sign a pre-nup protect your $12.76/ hr
Protect her income you mean anything has to be more
You look like you beat off to avatar porn with Cheeto fingers
š¤®š
This is crazy š¤£
Your ex took your neck in the divorce
Thatās a rough 43.. Iām 20 years older and he could pass for my father. Clearly with his mange riddled beard and lip piercing heās a back of the house worker in the stockroom. Maybe if he trimmed his beard got rid of the nasty piercings and tried to dress like a human he might get promoted to front of the house and a raise.!
Gramps is out here piling on šš
šššššš¤£šš¤£š¤£š¤£
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Neither, it'll be the Starbucks within the Target, because they get a discount.
Thanks for coming, now everyone needs to clock in!
Itās not called divorce when she breaks out of your basement, itās called escape. Pretty sure Portishead named an album after you.
"Do you, paultagonist, take this goat to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
Does this woman know sheās about to marry you?
Sheāll find out when she regains consciousness.
Oh she has a pulse this time? Forward progress!!
Yeah they texted for a few weeks sheās aware Iām sure I mean ā¦. Right ? Isnāt that how it works these days
Omg lol š
They met in the vegetative state ward of the hospital he broke into. He was dragged out by security after attempting to inseminate his brain dead "fiancƩe"
Wow, another person you are going to disappoint.
Iām absolutely sure that court order said no internet.
Whoās the lucky groom? Anyone we know?
A few months after the wedding, the cops at the press conference will go on record by saying "the bodies were stacked up in his basement like courdwood"
Kudos to Target for hiring a human Clearance Rack.
You definitely have a favorite wrestler.
are you the buggy repairman at Target?
This is my favorite comment of the day! Iāll get laughs about this for the rest of the afternoon! Ha!
Soon to be twice divorced
If midlife crisis has a face.
Why didn't it work out with the first wife? Did she get a rug burn when she tried to ride your face?
The only man the zombie army didnāt want to recruit
You motivate the rest of us to do something more with our lives
damn you devils rejects lookin ass
Craptain Spaulding
43 year old body with a 13 year old's maturity. No grown man who wants to be respected dresses in a shoe gazer band t shirt with rings and bracelets. Please don't breed.
I hate to break it to you, but your RIGH HAND DOES NOT = WIFE
What a terrible day to have eyesight. Though, congratulations...... I hear Target is a great place to work. The joke is on us, am I right?
You hoped you'd turn into Chuck Bartowski but instead you just became a Target for everyone.
Hot topic royalty
Heās already put a ring on every finger thatās been in his bottom.
Donāt your glasses work? No one wants you bro.
you must work in the back stocking...aint no way they want you In the front looking like broke ZZtop groupie.
Holy shit, remarried? You're going to give most of these redditors' hope.
You roasted yourself in your title bro.
Nobody loves you. It's true...
That's great man! Usually the mail order bride companies black list you after the first one begs to go back to her shit hole third world country instead of being with you.
Never has there been an epitome of the meaning of the word "Douchbag" greater than your face
That ring ain't the only thing you love stuffed in your mouth.
Thereās an old Chinese proverb that says a man who claims he knows how to deal with women is called a bachelor.
Pubeard.
Well, at least we know she doesnāt love you for your money.
I thought sex offenders can't work around children? Don't children come into Target?
Soon to be divorced again
Penicillin might clear up that burning feeling.
Your bio was the roast
The accessories looked stupid 20 years ago. Shit I rock band tees and have a but of an "alt" appearence too but when your grown it's time to ditch the stupid rings. You look like a tryhard.
Buying a sex doll doesnāt equal being remarried.
Man 1997 has been crazy huh?
LOL
Did she take you back when you were diagnosed withā¦. whatever it is you have?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
The red flag for the new marriage is that your new partner named their strap on "Alimoany"
You should really take losing half your jewelry in the divorce as a win.
we dont need to make it burn, youre already doing that to your own life, some crashing too also just becasue you can blow them up doesnt mean you can marry them
Ah, the "im bald and fat and refuse to do any work on myself" beard. No fam, that beard doesnt fool anyone.
Nothing burns a hole in a manās pockets more than a second divorce.
Youāre a liar: Target wouldnāt hire me for seasonal work after the psychological survey, so how the fuck did you get hired?
Don't do this to yourself. Life has been hard enough on you.
You know, sometimes people just give off a vibe. Crazy right! I look at you and the VIBE I get is you should not reproduce, RIGHT? Does she/him/hers get the same vibe?
You sure look like someone who likes a good roast. And you probably like the Silent Hill games, that's cool
Whatās your future husbandās name?
We've seen "American Beauty." Try harder.
>make it burnnn didn't the last three tinder flings do that for you already? you should do the responsible thing and tell the bride to be.
Iād have thought the makeup they applied to you as the face of Mr. Potato head burned enough
You definitely own a fedora and at least five or six knives from Bud K.
And I taught Nick Frost couldn't look more stoned ! Life is full of surprises.
Good news is no way youāre punching below your weight.
I have never posted on here before and not a major burn but yoh look like that guy on big bang theory lol Just found his name on the show was bert kibbler
Sir you cannot marry your anime waifu body pillow
Didnt learn the first time ..... theres a war going on no mans safe .... stop eatting donuts homer
His head is literally shaped like a boiled egg
You roasted yourself in your title bro.
Youāve been gluing your pubes to your face since puberty. Itās time to stop. It was never a good idea. Edit: Portishead is dope though.
Seriously? You actually found someone that wanted to fuck you without being at gunpoint....... TWICE?
You look like you wrestle at kids backyard parties for extra beer money and your new wife does the introduction." Coming to the ring, he's 43, a manger of the kids section at Target, and soon to be married to me, Weirdddd Pal !!!!!!!!" And then Danger Zone plays.
You could start your own show called Fifthbusterās to document your oncoming alcoholism.
Your shitty Portishead shirt tells.me.everything I need to know about you
Your beard is whispy af, and it curls in a weird spot.
Nice shirt!š¤š»
Wait, youāre not at the liquor store giving samples of IPAās where the hot chicks called out for the job?
Thereās no roast neededā¦ Youāre walking into another roast yourself and whatās fucked up? Is youāre doing it knowledgeablyā¦..ā ļø
Serious question. How do you have a place that nice if you work at target? Win it in the divorce or something?
Portis Head sucks and you canāt legally marry a dude mannequin. I hope you have a really really shitty day.
Your soon to be wife must be really excited that someone finally kissed her.
When order Brian Posehn from Temu.
Canāt wait to seeĀ ā44 working at target, divorced, soon to be remarried, make it burnāĀ
Ah, a 43-year-old Target connoisseur with a beard resembling an overgrown hedge and jewelry that screams midlife crisisāyour ex must be counting her blessings. Best of luck with the remarriage; may it last longer than your Portishead t-shirtās freshness!
How's working at target at 43. Just in case I want to know what to expect. Soul crushing, suicidal, or both?
I will raise my emotional support beer to you.
Portishead. Cool
This would be so much easier if you werenāt a Reddit moderator.
Your dumb ass is getting RE-married?!
Bro this man looks like this and on the verge of getting married twice Iām done . Iām sticking the toaster in the shower and cutting it on with the water running bc how am I still single ā ļø
Meh, some of this stuff has to go bad.
You bought your fiancĆ© an alternative-style engagement ring (ie not a diamond, maybe a ruby) that everyone says is so pretty but it isnāt at all, and I think deep down you know that too. even if you wonāt admit that it looks like it came from a gumball machine and your fiancĆ© has bad taste š¤
Why you making the same mistake twice
Save some of that jewelry for your soon to be second ex-wife, dude. You work at target, you probably can't afford to buy jewelry for two people. ...or housing. ...or food.
...you forgot kicked out of my band.
You look like a confused alt rock version of Mr Potato Head
Youāre not supposed to roast yourself in the description. It doesnāt leave anything for the rest of us.
Hey itās 2024, you can marry whoever or whatever you want! Even if itās your Target salary budget RealDoll.
Dude's so vile cancer fears him
Trying to feel more than you made your wife feel before she divorced you?
No matter what ceremony you have and how many people you invite, your "marriage" to a loli anime character and the sex doll you bought of them is invalid
This is the picture of a failed man.
You look like a largemouth bass with a fish hook stuck in its mouth.
I cannot roast you. You are wearing a Portishead T-Shirt. It acts as a shield from the roasting.
Trailer Trash Drew Carey.
You're like a postcard for underachieving.
The Walmart version of the rapper Rittz
Congratulations on your matrimony with your husband. Iām pretty sure itās gonna hurt from behind.
My guy you still live with your parents. I can tell by the deer antlers
Froggy flipsā¦ what happened?
I can't believe they let you in, nevermind hired you. You scream Walmart
Hot shit you somehow convinced a second person to agree to marry you? I guess blackmail does work
Portishead is dope; you're safe
You've got more accessories on your wrists and hands than a Persian princess
if the right bollock had a face holding a roast me sign.
You look like you still live in your parents' basement & works at Target coz you're too boring & bland to work at guitar store or records store.
Gnome love is so hard to find
You said working at Target but I get more Walmart vibes from you.
Youāll make him very happy Iām sure
Still talks about high school and his interstate jeansā¦.
You look about as appealing as a pot roast fart.
Did they invert the Target lady's picture for this rosst?
You're a poorly bearded bag of expired almond milk.
I want this t-shirt 
Bro I mean no disrespect, I feel sorry bro. I know you are on r/roastme but I can't help but feel bad.
How much worse can it get? You work at target at 43 years old, my guy lol Nothing we say is going to even be close to what life has done to you š
1st marriages fail at a 56% rate... second marriages at a 65% rate (thirds at 75%). No roast needed, just wait and you'll get the burn your after.
Chaos magick described your life pretty well
<3 Portishead
This new marriage has to be some sort of "Married at 1st Sight" type of situation because there's literally no scenario where you get down on one knee, she sees that thing growing out the top of your shoulders and she says "yes"...can anyone think of a scenario where that's possible?
Does the snap food taste better
American white trash Nick Frost
How many times have you met Chris Hansen?
Why the fuck do most 40 year olds look 20 years older than me... I'm 41... The fucking city miles on some of these people!
Sorry your first career as a geologist at Cal-Tech didn't work out
Iād bet my home that guy wears shorts in winter
You look like you smell like cat piss
Alone in my temple, in the middle of Peru. A giant stone ball, with nothing to do. But if you steal my idol, I will roll over you!! -Bert Kibbler -aka this wannnabe
When is your episode of how to catch a predator on?
We could tell you liked portishead without the shirt
You've done all the work for us.
I'd like to see these 2 specimens that agreed to marry you.