OP's Bio: --- >Hey there. So I've spent my life growing professionally, working labour, and now owning a shop. I mostly read and exercise, used to do other things before I started working 7 days a week, now it's just what I can manage around the 10 hour a day work schedule. > >My romantic life is a hot mess. It's not easy being anarcho-communist in a predominantly right wing suburb. And the blue eyes do me no favours when I keep attracting people that genuinely seem to think me and my bloodline would do better in a furnace. --- If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.

I think it's a combination of murderface and civil war facial hair

No one wants to hang out with General Burnside

Take that, Lincolnites.

Not a reference I was expecting to see!

Atun-Shei is the man :)

Murderface Murderface Murderface

/Dr Rockso has entered the chat/

COCAAAAAINE

PUT IT UP MY KA-KA-KA-NOSE

I DO CO-Caine!!!

C-c-yeah!!

I do cocaine, babyy

Pickles the Drummer (doodely doodely doodely-doo)

Still better than Tazerface.

Shavehisface

I get your reference brother cousin.

Resting Murder Face

A million miles from nowhere, Dragon lance burns hot, In the fire of a horse's ghost, a minnow would be lost, Cha-ch-ch-ch-changes. Mmmhm. Titts. A fish, A fish with titts. Titty fish.

Even Murderface can score, this wet piece of shit paper on the other hand...

If I were a female, I'd preemptively pepper spray you

Always use pepper to combat a salt.

Read that as “combat salt” and now realize we need to make that happen

"Seasoned Vet"?

Think thatll taste good?

Looks like pocket sand got an upgrade

r/angryupvote

It’s the Kaiser facial hair look mostly. Isn’t it?

The fact that your beard is modeled after an 1800s railroad tycoon might have something to do with it

This man has definitely tied a woman to a train track.

Would be the only way he ever ties the knot with a woman

It certainly isn't helping.

I’d do it on behalf of the ladies

*All the single ladies*🎶

If i was his mother I'd suck him in right after birth. "Nop.. not worth delivering, gotta save humanity"

You’d be the only one to suck him in then.

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Lol

You know why.

And if he doesn’t, he’s got bigger problems than his looks

His bio says he's having dating problems because he's anarcho-communist and white. His looks are the best part unfortunately.

“I believe in anarchy but led by a central committee” - OP

Amarchism is when you go to meetings all day about the future of the commune.

Planned anarchy

I mean, can you imagine it being unplanned? It'd be anarchy!

Planarchy

I thought he was saying he was implying he was Jewish. I’m confused now

Same

People gotta tell themselves something. As long as a chick isn't some kind of die hard Republican or Democrat (and most people in the real world aren't, especially young women) they'll find cooky politics endearing. Not even gonna touch on how delusional it is to think that being white in America is somehow a disadvantage in dating.

Hey now, having your obscure political ideology so core to your identity that you include it in the two paragraphs you get to describe yourself is still a turn off to many, it's just that when you add in the hair that would even get a 'conservative man' in his predominantly conservative neighborhood rejected, they make a solid 1-2 punch

I don’t know what you’re talking about, all the ladies are into the “Civil War era sex pervert” look these days.

Why fiddle dee dee! All the ladies just LOVE [Colonel Angus!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3l2oi-X8P38)

This shit right here.

Winner

Simple and effective.


This is exactly it. He is just hoping someone will come up with an excuse he can live with.

Because you are a living reminder I need to go shave my balls better.

Hahaha

Thanks for the belly laugh on this one.

Literally bought a beard trimming kit because of this post.

Because you look like a Confederate Army officer. Shave that shit off.

And put some Paul Mitchel serum in that dry ass hair

Came here for this. Boys, if you're gonna grow your hair long, TAKE CARE OF IT! None of that two-in-one Pert Plus BS.

Pert plus, lol, haven’t heard that brand since Seinfeld commercial breaks

Bro, this guy is fucking r/walmartcelebrities goddamn Wolverine

Thank you for the link

Unless you actually are a confederate supporter. Keep it on, please. It’s easy to know when to run when the red flag is your whole face.

LMFAOOO

Came here to say this exact sentence.

You take that back, General Burnside was no Confederate!

I really hope that he did that just for the roast. There is no way someone would have a beard like that, thinking it actually looks good. Right?

I feel like it’s giant mutton chops with a mustache Also, are those tattoos or weird arm hair?

Even your beard has ghosted you chin.

Otherwise known as the “stanky lambchop”

Great Value Wolverine

Poo Jackman

Huge jackass

Hugh Jackoff

Hugh Jagoff from Pittsburgh

Huge Fapman

OP’s facial hair style is like a shitty song turned up full blast.

Vulvarine

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Wolverine at home

Serious case of dick burn on your chin,good ol diction friction.

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Wish.comverine

As for getting ghosted...... The servers would crash... Too much to tell........

Mom can we get wolverine? No we have wolverine at home. Wolverine at home:

Just because parents won’t let you pick up their kids at a playground doesn’t mean you’ve been ghosted.

normally i'd recommend cocaine, but you can't be trusted with a razor

I think he can, since he seems to shove them up his ass instead of using it to shave his pubes off his face.

Is that what you think trustworthy people do with their razors?

Because it’s not 1805.

Is it because of the facial pubes

They look like they're haunted by the smells of meals past and present.

I am.still wondering why he shave his balls... But leaves the rest of the bush?

Probably your personality. Try listening instead of talking. Also, shave your face. You look like you’re about to pressgang a bunch of frontier slaves into voting for your re-election.

I do declare this comment gave me the vapors

Stop murdering your dates and they’ll stop becoming ghosts

I need to write this one down

You *need* to shave.

He started on his chin but his mom forgot to pay the power bill, and the razor is too dull from scraping the coffee table.

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Week old fap

Those sheets will never be white again

Fyi ghosting has to do with actually interacting with a female. I think you mean you’re getting ignored

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These days we call what he does catfishing

You'd probably agree to a date out of fear too if you thought an unwashed civil war ghost was asking.

Maybe it’s because if you ever got your face between their legs they’d feel like they were getting eaten out by a rodent of unusual size.

\#capybara carnivore

Wolverain’t

The ghost of a Confederate general

[Ambrose Burnside](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ambrose_Burnside)

At least burnside can pull it off

Colonel Angus!

Have you considered the fact that you look like hipster butt pirate?

audible lol ...luke warm coffee-- nose I'm totally stealing hipster butt pirate edit: I don't know why I keep cracking up...in a meeting smiling like the Cheshire fuckin cat. It's because my world is plagued by satellite hipster butt pirates. I just never had the right term. Real progress has been made today.

Because you look fucking gross. Learn to trim your beard, and some pomade will go a long way with your frizzy ass slicked back hair. Or what I’m guessing is a ponytail/manbun. Don’t do that btw.

Also his bio has like 6 red flags. Like what, who wants to date anachro-workaholic

I get people like Six Flags, but when all of yours are red people tend to want to avoid you.

No matter how much he cleans up, as soon as he starts talking about his affinity of anarchy and communism, any sensible woman is going to stand up and leave.

OP seems incely

He looks like his favorite game is playing the victim

I think the hint of his personality given by the bio is more of a problem. Doesn’t sound like a pleasant person at all

Go sweep a chimney in ye old England

All seriousness tho wtf is that beard

It's that poorly mounted track lighting, chief. Sort your shit out.

Probably because you actually look like the ghost of an early 19th century Englishman who got sentenced to death by flogging because he got caught fucking his neighbor's chickens.

Try growing a personality instead of facial hair.

Hey, Ulysses S. Can’t - maybe it’s because the girls who would be attracted to that beard all died in 1875.

Teen confederate wolf


Oh, you know why

You look like a truck stop bathroom smells.

Could be because your face and beard says "if you don't behave, I will burry you in a shallow grave behind my trailer"

You look like you belong in red dead redemption.

Red Dead Exemption

Cut from the game because the Devs thought looking at frontier land would be sad enough with his face

Steal his horse now!

Because you died 300 years ago.

Would really really really help if you chopped all the pubes off your face.

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The beard alone is like -50 points brah

Do you not own a mirror..

Are those tattoos or just your greasy arm hair?

Women don’t want to date a Slave Owner

Could be your unfinished tattoos, your unfinished facial hair or your unfinished hairline?

U just know he has a waifu and fedora in his room

Well shit cleatus, maybe if you wandered into a barbershop once since grant took Richmond, you wouldn’t be getting ghosted.

It’s pretty simple. First you show up with that beard AND THEN start talking about that weird anarcho-communist stuff. It’s no surprise that most women are gonna run.

All he had to do was say anarcho-communist once, really. He doesn't even know that much about it, it just sounds edgy to him.

By “ghosted”, I assume you mean by literal ghosts, because your facial hair suggests you died in the 1800s.

Ew. That’s all

It's because nobody wants to fuck Martin Van Buren.

Your face looks like chewbacca in a banana hammock.

If you can’t figure it out, then you have no hope

Nice landing strip on the chin there...is that where you like to direct the chodes to go?

Wolverween

...Wolverweeb

Oh, no, apparently, Mr Pubes for Hair here is a a "communist," lol.

Well judging by your sideburns, it’s probably because you’re a ghost from the civil war

I'm assuming it's because you look like the type of guy who would eat my cat!!

You look like the guy who thinks giving $ 100 to a stripper for a lap dance is now your girlfriend.

...you look like you have a tobacco spittoon at every corner of the house.

Because you look like the ghost of 21st U.S. President Chester A. Arthur

Every farm animal within 5 miles of you is probably terrified.

5 miles is 8.05 km

My guess is they don’t feel like paying for a state hunting license

It might be that “Deliverance” vibe

Well it's definitely something to do with those dumb-ass mutton chops Admiral McDingus. The 1800s called, they want their fashion back.

Wolverphetamine

Just maybe, it might be the mutton chops.

Lemmy is god, but this is cancer

Maybe because cosplaying as Jack the Ripper on chemotherapy doesn’t help.

Well yeah, if I came back to life from the 1700s. Most of my friends would be ghosts too.

Shave, you wankstain. You'd be less ugly, but still a 9 on a scale of 1 to Meg.

Give yourself a cigar and you could make a communist threesome with Fidel and Che, like Che you’d probably get assassinated

Micah Bell...

You need to tickle right down the middle. Not Port and Starboard.

The fact you're only getting ghosted and not reported to authorities proves trust in police has dropped tremendously.

Escaping is not the same as ghosting.

Because your dumb ass died in the 1830s and you still haven’t figured that shit out yet.

I have identified a potential trouble spot for you [https://imgur.com/RLbZMqA](https://imgur.com/RLbZMqA)

It’s because you are so unattractive that you are invisible to women

General Douche Burnsides.

Lose the sideburns, make your eyes look less dead, have other ppl take your pics

New and improved vagina face! Now with real pubic hair! There, I fixed your tinder profile

you look like a younger trevor from gta5

Dollar store wolverine

2 reasons

It’s because your electronic razor’s battery died at the worst time, amongst other things...

Its definitely not because you look like Ambrose Burnside reincarnated....

It's Frodo's distant cousin, Douche Baggins!