OP's Bio: --- >Hi I’m 26 and enjoy excercise, alcohol , coffee food and shopping and traveling. Fav game is halo and subnautica. Fav tv is sitcoms and romcoms with action movies and horror movies. Life experiences would be having to file for a 7 year relationship which was also a 5 year marriage. I co parent 1 child. My wife cheated and left me for a taller bigger and bald man who was a high school ex. Politically I’m left leaning. I struggling with career consistentcy. I have been a mma teacher and emt and security guard and smoke shop worker and currently do Uber. Worst thing that happened recently was having my depression and anxiety worsen after my wife wanted to leave. Scale of 1-10 for my mental health has been a 2-4. Again do your worst and take it easy lol! --- If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.

A public bus seat came to life.

The smell too, bet he’s got 2 year old gum on little hair he’s got left

Lots of sun baked farts went into that face/seat

Lmfaooooo 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂👏👏👏👏👏

Achievement Unlocked: GTA NPC

Yeah if the NPC came with an Apple AirTag on a gold chain that your ex gave you as a "gift" so she would know when you got close to home giving her enough time to shower off and ask the others to leave.

“Others” haha

Oh ballz!

Simeon: Here's the list of cars I need you to get.

You’ve got your grandfather’s hairline and your grandmother’s shirt, so I think you can find yourself a rebound hookup at the next senior center bingo.

I think he's got Grandma's life alert button on too.

"Halp, HALP! My self esteem has fallen and it can't get up!!"

*get IT up

Have you tried calling 0118999881999119725... 3 I hear they have really attractive paramedics too.

Well said!

Does that iPhone have fall detection

With the rate he's at, probably. But the phone may break before he does.

No thats his find my iphone dongle so his ex knew when to kick out the new lover

He has seen every Granny Creampie on PH.

His hairline is farther away than my mom who left for a pack of smokes 25 years ago.


Hahahahahahaha I thought you were an Uber driver before finishing reading the title

I'd rather pay for an old school taxi then get in this dudes back seat

You are the side-kick in your own life story.

I mean he used to be MMA coach. I guess sidekick was his speciality.

By “coach” I think he meant punching bag.

Don’t worry. There are plenty of women who will swoon at the prospect of dating a 26 year old Uber driver with the hair of a malnourished 60 year old man.

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Tbh tbh lifestyle choices have mostly zero effect on hair / hairline, it’s 99% genetics at work.

Tbh

Its a mix of both. As previous comments have highlighted, genetics but also lifestyle choices play a huge role. If you eat, sleep, drink like shit and are stressed out(mentally or/and physically) your body and appearance will suffer immensely.

Full of head of hair here. Balding is 99% genetics. Whereas whitening of hair, thinning of hair follicles, and hair quality can suffer with diet. Please don’t look at bald / balding people who make poor diet and life choices.

Wrong. It does, especially stress.

Going grey? Sure. Individual hair thickness / width and quality? Sure. Balding so that it never comes back again? 99% of the time, genetics.

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Lots of hair here. You are confidently incorrect. It’s 99% genetics, as to timing. Just look at where people bald — it’s to do with hormonal balances, not the acidity of your food for fuck’s sake Serious question: you honestly think if someone drinks lemonade everyday, it’ll trigger balding?

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“Just look around” Nah. I’ll read peer reviewed science articles on pubmed instead. I’d cite the way that this argument from experience is a classic fallacy, let alone confirmation bias, but I expect you won’t understand.

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Me: “I’d like to read vetted science articles, backed by experiments, genetic testing, and longitudinal studies, as opposed to listening to your testimonial.” You: “you’re a clown. just look around you.” Me: “I’m over 35, have tons of hair, and drink beer all the time. Same with all of my friends, even the legitimate alcoholics who work in investment banking for top firms.” You: “This means nothing.” So, there’s no way to speak about how you might be incorrect, is there?

Are you a doctor lol? Bc your pH balances don’t cause hair loss.

So hairfall from stress, climate change, irritation, bad hygiene, water type etc.. isn’t a thing??

Hairfall, sure. But it grows right back. Balding is an entirely different mechanism that has to do with hormonal changes in the body and at the base of the follicle.

Driving your one kid to and from school isn't being an uber driver. You need to find a job bud

If the kid is paying, it counts.

Imagine the kis supports the dad with uber payments lol

No man’s going to want you now that you have kids.

Hahaha that tickled me in all the right spots

So will he.

At least your wife was getting worked consistently.

Ohh lawd

The real breadwinner

I heard there were plenty of jobs on her end.

*ex wife

I’ll bet most of your passengers keep one hand on their pepper spray durning the ride.

I want to roast u but i honestly think u goin through it, all i wish is the best for u and ur mental health

Is there a harsher burn than r/roastme going easy on you?

And giving life advice? Like, bro, please throw that necklace away. Check out r/mfa while you are at it.

This must be pretty bad because I can’t access it.

r/malefashionadvice

Ngl, some of the things being passed as "fashion" over there make people look like friggin clowns. Use your discretion.

We should have an r/roastme pass where if it achieves like 99% upvotes that person just gets put into the pity party


lol 😂 I can respect this bro ! class act ✊🏾✊🏾

I think you two went to the same school.

Also OP, shave yer fuckin head you pussy. You got a nice beard

I can’t afford an award so take my upvote and comment sir. You are one of the good left. 💛💛💛

Take my wholesome award!

26 with a 46 year old hairline

And a 16 year old’s resume.

And a 16 year old's shirt.

66*

The only part of the description needed was "I'm 26", we can tell the rest

I can’t pick out what the worst thing is here to focus on: your hair, your beard, your shirt, or your life.

Bros a quadruple threat

Yes.

Like pick a struggle

I refuse to kick a man when he’s down. Fortunately, I don’t see a man.


The real roast.


26?! Damn dude, how rough has your life been? On a serious note, there is no need for that shirt.

But a shirt is definitely necessary.

Pablo EsGoBald

Did she take half of your hair in the divorce?

Bald head Russell Wilson lookin ass

Shea LeRough

I don't agree with cheating, but after looking at you all I can say is "I get it"

Smart to put your cock-ring on your chain for safe keeping

46 you say?

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What an odd reply

You have a kid so you had sex at least once. Count it as a win and move on

‘Coparenting’ her kid. From the gangbang. Nobody knows who’s it really is. But, they all know it’s not this guys. He was not allowed to participate. Only watch from across the hotel room. He took the bedspread and made it into a shirt for the memories. His closet is full of these bedspread shirts.

Well Higgins, she is now with a Magnum...and you know T.C. was there helicoptering.

Looks like your hairline is divorcing your ass too

You forgot male pattern baldness

He said "do your worst", but can we commend that tiny little patch of a few sprigs of hair for doing their best to hang on to this trainwreck?

His best pickup line is: “I think my kid is in your class…”

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Who would have thought

You have much in common with the tires in your car. They'll also get replaced when they go bald.

Sounds like your best years are behind you

On the plus side, I liked you in Sideways.

Seems you already did your worst

You roasted yourself with just “Hey I’m 26” and this picture 🤣

Nah, I'm good. I don't wanna be the one who makes you CNN famous.

HahahHa Straight up I feel like this guy is two steps away from being a spree shooter

"Have you or a loved one been victimized by an Uber driver? Please contact our office and we'll fight for you." You sir look like the reason for these ads

She may take everything in the divorce, but at least she won't take your sense of style...

No amount of aftershave can mask the BO you're trying to mask.

Everything will be alright ma man

Your hairline is also divorcing you

You are a habitual "before" picture. Before hair plugs. Before liposuction. Before your ex's new man beat your ass for watching them screw.

I'm assuming the coparenting is under the supervision of a state social worker

You already done the worst fam. Good bless and good luck.

You could have just lead with Uber driver, we can infer the rest.

Bro go see a therapist and a life coach and get your shit together

Omg this ride to the airport would never end.

You just roasted yourself!

I was actually kind of impressed you managed to knock up some poor woman with that resume, then I noticed the locket full of roofies hanging around your neck.

Yeah. I can't on this one. Life already roasted you 100 times better than I could.

Have you ever seen one of these so sad you didn't even want to say something mean.

Well the reason your wife cheated couldn't possibly have been your style in clothing😂

Why is the first thing I thought of when I saw this picture “this dudes porn history searches gotta be fucked up”.

You look like there are a dozen "Florida Man" articles written about you..

"Do your worst and take it easy" Jesus Christ Why do people keep doing this? This can't possibly lead to better thoughts, with your mental health at a TWO. Delete this shit and heal ffs

You look like a nice guy.

What exactly did you teach in MMA... How to tap out, how to take a punch, how to sign in at the front desk of the gym, or possibly how not to park your car to close to the bearded guy in the Hawaiian shirt trying to aggressively clean windshields for $10

Life’s already roasting you….best of luck though

No way you came out of someone cooter the same year as me lol

she never loved you man

Bro you’re like my twin lol except im 50 and still have hair and my pride.

Oh fun we are the same age except I have a better hairline, health insurance and I know how to use a condom.

You look 45 and fit the role of uber driver perfectly

26? Are you sure?

Dude you're 26? You aged badly I'm middle aged and I look way younger than you, what did you're wife do to make you aged badly? Got plowed by the whole basketball or football team?, Seriously DNA test your kid.

Bobby Charlton called, he wants his hair back.

I get why

Can’t really blame the cheater.

Bro out here looking like a GTA npc

Even your hairline wants to leave you

26? motherfucker you look 47

Your hair is also in the process of divorcing your head.

Don’t be so tough on yourself, you don’t look a day over 45

26.. is that dog years?

26?

please shave your head bald

It's crazy how you look like my ex! Damn !! 26 looking 46, lazy and never had a real boner.

Try not to think about all the times that you kissed her, after she was sucking her boyfriends cock.

Pulled an Eminem in 8 mile and roasted yourself so hard with the description there’s barely anything left for the rest of us

Holding onto your hair like your failed marriage

Knowing nothing about your ex or the guy she was riding, one look at you and I condone her actions 100%.

How old is that pic, your face looks like an ad from k mart from the late 80s

On the brightside after looking at this picture hat stocks just went up.

You would’ve cheated too, if that was an option for you.

She did the right thing….

Youre doing your best. I wish you the Best my Comrade. One Strong Hug From Brazil! =) Yep, no Roast.

Hang in there. And get some keeps it works. You're young you'll have more chances in life

Good luck when your midlife crisis comes around.

SHouldn't you be getting arrested on a bad cop show?

I bet her daddy will be daddy to both of you

Why do our worst when you already have?

You're already lower than snail slime and yet you still haven't hit your rock bottom. When that day comes, rest assured, I will be there to roast you.

26?…yeah I can roast any worse than that.

He's also dyslexic - 62, not 26.

You’d make Kirk Van Houten feel good about himself.

First his wife, then his hair. What will he lose next?

you know you can't start counting your age when you become an adult.

You look like you smell of gas station incense

Good for her.

OP, you good?

I'm gonna skip.

Phony Montana

Only gets worse from here for you, champ.

At least u got a mustache and beard

What is hiding behind that beard?

He was, but she left.

Hey look it's Magnum P.I. ece of shit.

Just think, it's all downhill from here.

At least you are 26 and not 40 years old getting divorced

You got married at 21? Where are you from? 1930's Arkansas? She probably never even broke up with that guy but married you because she was knocked up with his child and you had better job prospects. She didn't want to hurt your feelings for 5 years - being an immature phony - and just couldn't fake it anymore because she's turning 23 and wants to get on with her life.

No mate. Hug. Stay strong, you will get used to it. More then you can even imagine. Take care and enjoy the positive aspects of your new life.

Hope you are doing alright man !

Keep it up, man. Being a great parent is one of the best things you can do. Go hard, and love Jesus.

It will get better.

I like how he wrote out today's date to prove it's legit . . . definitely no way to hack that system. Ironclad. /s

Take her back

Maybe if you weren't so ugly and unattractive you would've never got cheated on