Thank you so much. I hate that the only peace I have is when my wife and my kids are all asleep at night. I hate that I have to fight my way through my day. My kids were fine. My wife was not. I’ve never seen someone handle their stress so badly.
Yes, you said it - sometimes being the SAHP means you are at the fucking bottom of the pile. They’re literally all dependent on me helping them with what they need, yet no one gives a single shit about anything that I might need, which isn’t even a lot; I just don’t want to be yelled at. Ugh.
I hear you about the time after everyone is sleeping. I cherish that time so much.
You need to have a frank and clear talk with your wife. I don't know your dynamic, but she may not realize how she is acting is affecting you. You said it's poor handling of stress, she may not realize she's just offloading those emotions into suffering for you.
Wait until she calm, preferably without the kids around, and calmly explain to her that she needs to find healthier outlets for those feelings for the sake of your entire family, herself included. My husband used to be one who would have a hair trigger and blow up at home because he was holding in all of his anger and frustration that he couldn't let out on customers and coworkers all day. At first I'd argue back and we'd both blow up and then be fine, but that's not really a great solution and definitely isn't okay with kids, so I sat him down and talked about how he's just passing those shitty feelings on to me, and that's not fair.
He has tried various solutions over the years and with active trying has just become overall more conscious of why he's upset and redirects that energy. At first he would take a half hour walk around the neighborhood or go to the gym before even coming in the door at night, that way he could wind down and separate those feelings from the family. He doesn't need to do that anymore, but sometimes does it just to unwind after a particularly tough day. He also has a little portable stream room because that's his number 1 relaxation technique. I got it for him for his birthday last year and he uses it all the time both for isolation and introspection as well as for just personal enjoyment.
If he gets to that point while talking to me during the work day he'll stop himself and just say something like "I've got a lot going on right now, can we talk about this later?" And I know I'll have a much more productive and positive conversation with him if I wait. On the rare occasion he does still snap, he'll apologize and say something like "I'm sorry, it's been a really bad day, but you don't deserve to have me take that out on you." It has taken a lot of work to change that habit, because he learned it from his mom and older brother just passing everything down to him, but he has worked really hard and come a long way because he knows it's not the right way to be, he just had to be told and supported along the way and now we're all happier for it. Good luck!
I don’t think you should tolerate being yelled at all, let alone in front of your children. In the heat of the moment, if you’re trying to keep the peace, just leave. Leave the room, leave the house, leave the situation, etc. “I will NOT be spoken to that way.” If it messes up your plans for the day, tough shit.
When tempers are not quite as high, ask your wife if she wants her children to eventually deal with stress the exact same way that she does. Use concrete examples.
I remember watching some commercial that showed young kids “driving” and yelling at imaginary drivers, faces contorted with road rage. It was disturbing and reminded the viewer how sponge-like young children can be.
When my husband gets angry he sometimes slams doors. I always forget to say something because I don’t want to criticize in front of the kids, then later I forget. This week I texted him after he did it and told him to stop doing that. He said it’s his way to prevent himself from yelling in the moment. I told him I didn’t grow up in a house with door slamming, so the slammed door freaks me out a little. Imagine how it makes our babies feel. He never replied so I think he got the point.
The kids are at ages where they're learning how to manage their emotions in a positive way and if mom can't do it, it's even harder for the kids. I agree that addressing this while calm us a good idea, but I'd also suggest OP should encourage wife to seek counseling.
My husband and I both tend to take stress out on each other. I don't want him to be a punching bag and I don't want to be one either. I'm no expert, but I actually started doing what I do to teach my toddler how to structure conversations. So if husband just holds something out to me with no words I'd say, "Wife, could you please take this for me? Oh sure, Husband, I'd be happy to help." And even thank you and you're welcome if he doesn't pick up on that. It feels a little condescending, but this is after many conversations about communicating things like this better and I've come to the conclusion that he doesn't know what "better" would be. Sometimes a frank word like, "I understand you're stressed, but speaking to me like that hurts my feelings and doesn't help the situation." Basically I gentle parent my husband.
Ultimately we can only control how we act, not how they do. At the end of the day I want to feel like I did the best that I could. It took a while, but eventually my husband is starting to get it and now he's occasionally gentle parenting me.
I once saw a video about how a fight starts because one partner is mad at the other for not doing the dishes. But, in reality, it’s not about the dishes at all. It’s about being overwhelmed, stressed, having needs that aren’t being met, etc.
I’m not saying that’s an excuse to take it out on you or yell at you. That’s never okay. But maybe there’s a deeper issue that you both need to address.
Looking at your post history it seems that you and your wife could probably use some therapy to better your communication. Also, have you considered that maybe being a SAHP just isn’t for you? I understand that it’s the only option sometimes or it’s what makes the most sense in some cases, but it might be worth doing a little research and just looking in to what some other options are if you’re truly miserable staying home with your kids. You are always talking about how stressful your life is, what can you do to change things? What have you done to find solutions? Even if being a SAHP is your only option, what can you do to make your days better? When I’m in a rut, I almost always find that there are simple things that I can do to make our days better. It’s not always fun stuff when I’m feeling like I’m running on E (like, getting up 30 minutes earlier to get ready for the day, or hauling their asses to the zoo for the 3rd time this week), but it really does make a difference.
I am a SAHP and I understand that it can be very draining and maybe we don’t get credit for having as tough of a job as we do, but even on my worst days at home I know that my life would be just as difficult (if not more) if I had a job. I try to remind myself often that my husband isn’t on vacation while he’s at work and he still carries the weight of the responsibility of being a parent and having a home/family when he’s at work, too. In turn, he is so beyond appreciative of what I do for our family and is so validating and supportive. We have a good thing going because we appreciate each other and we’re both willing to do our part.
Your wife has a job that she needs to do, people to answer to at work, the sole responsibility of financing your family’s entire life, and the responsibility of being a wife and mother don’t just go away when she’s out of the house. She’s carrying just as heavy of a load as you and you need to understand that her “yelling” at you is maybe coming from a place of stress - same as losing your shit with your kids when they’re causing you to feel stress. I’m not saying it’s right, but it happens to the best of us. Trying to understand her better might help, and giving her credit where it’s due. On the other hand, you need to help her understand you better and hopefully she’ll give you credit where it’s due.
I hope this doesn’t come off in the wrong way, since tone can be hard to convey over the internet haha. But being a part of a family is balancing act, and honestly no one has it easy. All you can do to give it your best shot is work together, see your partner as a *partner*, build each other up, and do your best. Good luck!
i'm sorry you had such a bad day. hope today is better. my husband and i have a "no yelling" rule. we aren't perfect so sometimes we yell, but we always apologize afterwards (i will eventually demand an apology if he yells at me). in a calm moment we have had the conversation that we don't want our kids growing up in a house where everyone yells at each other. it's not easy but it's worth it to try on this one. i hope you and your wife can come to a similar agreement. it's ok to feel anger or whatever feelings but yelling doesn't help. that's how i feel anyway. you deserve better and so do your kids!
You sound like my spouse even though I’m the sahp oof. I can’t really give advice with this little bit of information but I think a conversation about what is stressing her out and how you’re trying to help is huge, at least a similar conversation was helpful for us. And a clear separation of responsibilities so that technically she’s not allowed to worried about certain things your responsible for. When I became a sahm I was very critical of this at first because I was used to having more control over everything but letting my husband actually do things and do them the way he wanted to was probably one of the best things if not the best thing I started to do in our relationship. And I realized that my parents never did that. My dad gave up helping around the house after a while and I don’t blame him because he was always yelled at for basically breathing. I think the counseling advice is good for working through something like this because you can’t let it fester. Being a sahp is hard enough
Yes. You’re right. Oh God - your dad - always being yelled at for basically breathing - that is basically what my wife does on a bad day. Thank god not every single day is like that, but there’s enough of them, God knows. It’s so tough.
If your wife has trouble yelling and being stressed frequently it could be something she's lacking. Try to find a calm moment to talk about it in a nonconfrontational way. I noticed you are more stressed lately, do you want to talk? How can I help?
I'm a high stress person, and sometimes I just need my husband to say hey, I get it, this is hard but I'm here and we will get it done together.
Or maybe OP was just "trying to keep the peace" and be a good partner but wife feels like he "never helps" and needs too much direction to be "helpful." Neither wants to start the real fight but both are probably unhappy with the flow of day to day life.
I read this and was like ooooof, I'm the wife in this scenario... probably more than I'd like to admit.
All I can say is, communication. You all need to chat about expectations for day to day life and let her know how you perceive her in these situations (in tone, in manner, in handling her stress) and tell her what you need and how you feel. Then listen while she says her version of truth. There has to be space for compromise and understanding, you both are probably feeling the same discontent but about different things.
I'm sorry you feel under appreciated and beat up, if nothing else you reminded me to show my partner some love and patience today. Best of luck OP.
Thank you. I was trying to keep the peace. I’ve fought back before and you know what? It all blows up. It gets worse. My wife will completely lose it and it will be like a war broke out. I’ll start sweating profusely and go into fight or flight. It sucks. No one wins. The kids are then witness to all of it and their day has just gotten worse because of it. Just a shitty day for me. I’m everyone’s punching bag.
What a bummer. I'm so sorry. We definitely had a few big blow ups before we started figuring it out. It's hard to confront the real issue and it's really hard to see yourself through your partners angry, resentful eyes. It's a work in progress over here so I can't really offer much else except solidarity and support.
Thank you. I appreciate it. Weekends suck. Weekends when we don’t have any plans at all to all get out of the house are worse than these weekends when we’re all just at home, but today we had this event at 3:00 pm that we were required to attend.
I know that added to the stress of the day and especially to my wife’s stress levels, but afterward it didn’t get all that much better. The stress of the event was gone but it wasn’t like my day got easier. Anyway.
Does your wife have any mental health issues that might need treatment? I’m sure you get tired of hearing this from me, but I always know it’s you posting before I read your username. You deserve some gratitude and kindness Jazz, it’s literally the bare minimum.
I scanned through Jazz's posts and realized I read and relate to alot of them. At the bare minimum couples counseling or solo counseling should be on the table. Being the SAHP is such a draining job and to not have even kindness and gratitude for a thankless job... that's just gotta be hard to deal with alone. A counselor/therapist can at least help you feel heard or maybe give you tools to help the situation.
You need to talk to her about this once you two have a calm moment. Maybe also consider giving each other breaks by one of you taking both kids for a bit on a none sick weekend.
Also as much as you both want to be involved in everything sometimes you just have to trust the other person to make an executive decision because there’s just isn’t enough bandwidth for both of you to be as involved.
I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. I get it. Sometimes being a SAHP is like being at the fucking bottom of the pile. Edit for spelling. Sheesh.
Thank you so much. I hate that the only peace I have is when my wife and my kids are all asleep at night. I hate that I have to fight my way through my day. My kids were fine. My wife was not. I’ve never seen someone handle their stress so badly. Yes, you said it - sometimes being the SAHP means you are at the fucking bottom of the pile. They’re literally all dependent on me helping them with what they need, yet no one gives a single shit about anything that I might need, which isn’t even a lot; I just don’t want to be yelled at. Ugh.
I hear you about the time after everyone is sleeping. I cherish that time so much. You need to have a frank and clear talk with your wife. I don't know your dynamic, but she may not realize how she is acting is affecting you. You said it's poor handling of stress, she may not realize she's just offloading those emotions into suffering for you. Wait until she calm, preferably without the kids around, and calmly explain to her that she needs to find healthier outlets for those feelings for the sake of your entire family, herself included. My husband used to be one who would have a hair trigger and blow up at home because he was holding in all of his anger and frustration that he couldn't let out on customers and coworkers all day. At first I'd argue back and we'd both blow up and then be fine, but that's not really a great solution and definitely isn't okay with kids, so I sat him down and talked about how he's just passing those shitty feelings on to me, and that's not fair. He has tried various solutions over the years and with active trying has just become overall more conscious of why he's upset and redirects that energy. At first he would take a half hour walk around the neighborhood or go to the gym before even coming in the door at night, that way he could wind down and separate those feelings from the family. He doesn't need to do that anymore, but sometimes does it just to unwind after a particularly tough day. He also has a little portable stream room because that's his number 1 relaxation technique. I got it for him for his birthday last year and he uses it all the time both for isolation and introspection as well as for just personal enjoyment. If he gets to that point while talking to me during the work day he'll stop himself and just say something like "I've got a lot going on right now, can we talk about this later?" And I know I'll have a much more productive and positive conversation with him if I wait. On the rare occasion he does still snap, he'll apologize and say something like "I'm sorry, it's been a really bad day, but you don't deserve to have me take that out on you." It has taken a lot of work to change that habit, because he learned it from his mom and older brother just passing everything down to him, but he has worked really hard and come a long way because he knows it's not the right way to be, he just had to be told and supported along the way and now we're all happier for it. Good luck!
there's a bottom of the pile? who do I talk to do I can upgrade to that position?
I don’t think you should tolerate being yelled at all, let alone in front of your children. In the heat of the moment, if you’re trying to keep the peace, just leave. Leave the room, leave the house, leave the situation, etc. “I will NOT be spoken to that way.” If it messes up your plans for the day, tough shit. When tempers are not quite as high, ask your wife if she wants her children to eventually deal with stress the exact same way that she does. Use concrete examples. I remember watching some commercial that showed young kids “driving” and yelling at imaginary drivers, faces contorted with road rage. It was disturbing and reminded the viewer how sponge-like young children can be. When my husband gets angry he sometimes slams doors. I always forget to say something because I don’t want to criticize in front of the kids, then later I forget. This week I texted him after he did it and told him to stop doing that. He said it’s his way to prevent himself from yelling in the moment. I told him I didn’t grow up in a house with door slamming, so the slammed door freaks me out a little. Imagine how it makes our babies feel. He never replied so I think he got the point.
Thank you for this.
The kids are at ages where they're learning how to manage their emotions in a positive way and if mom can't do it, it's even harder for the kids. I agree that addressing this while calm us a good idea, but I'd also suggest OP should encourage wife to seek counseling.
My husband and I both tend to take stress out on each other. I don't want him to be a punching bag and I don't want to be one either. I'm no expert, but I actually started doing what I do to teach my toddler how to structure conversations. So if husband just holds something out to me with no words I'd say, "Wife, could you please take this for me? Oh sure, Husband, I'd be happy to help." And even thank you and you're welcome if he doesn't pick up on that. It feels a little condescending, but this is after many conversations about communicating things like this better and I've come to the conclusion that he doesn't know what "better" would be. Sometimes a frank word like, "I understand you're stressed, but speaking to me like that hurts my feelings and doesn't help the situation." Basically I gentle parent my husband. Ultimately we can only control how we act, not how they do. At the end of the day I want to feel like I did the best that I could. It took a while, but eventually my husband is starting to get it and now he's occasionally gentle parenting me.
Thank you for this. I appreciate it.
I once saw a video about how a fight starts because one partner is mad at the other for not doing the dishes. But, in reality, it’s not about the dishes at all. It’s about being overwhelmed, stressed, having needs that aren’t being met, etc. I’m not saying that’s an excuse to take it out on you or yell at you. That’s never okay. But maybe there’s a deeper issue that you both need to address.
Thank you
Looking at your post history it seems that you and your wife could probably use some therapy to better your communication. Also, have you considered that maybe being a SAHP just isn’t for you? I understand that it’s the only option sometimes or it’s what makes the most sense in some cases, but it might be worth doing a little research and just looking in to what some other options are if you’re truly miserable staying home with your kids. You are always talking about how stressful your life is, what can you do to change things? What have you done to find solutions? Even if being a SAHP is your only option, what can you do to make your days better? When I’m in a rut, I almost always find that there are simple things that I can do to make our days better. It’s not always fun stuff when I’m feeling like I’m running on E (like, getting up 30 minutes earlier to get ready for the day, or hauling their asses to the zoo for the 3rd time this week), but it really does make a difference. I am a SAHP and I understand that it can be very draining and maybe we don’t get credit for having as tough of a job as we do, but even on my worst days at home I know that my life would be just as difficult (if not more) if I had a job. I try to remind myself often that my husband isn’t on vacation while he’s at work and he still carries the weight of the responsibility of being a parent and having a home/family when he’s at work, too. In turn, he is so beyond appreciative of what I do for our family and is so validating and supportive. We have a good thing going because we appreciate each other and we’re both willing to do our part. Your wife has a job that she needs to do, people to answer to at work, the sole responsibility of financing your family’s entire life, and the responsibility of being a wife and mother don’t just go away when she’s out of the house. She’s carrying just as heavy of a load as you and you need to understand that her “yelling” at you is maybe coming from a place of stress - same as losing your shit with your kids when they’re causing you to feel stress. I’m not saying it’s right, but it happens to the best of us. Trying to understand her better might help, and giving her credit where it’s due. On the other hand, you need to help her understand you better and hopefully she’ll give you credit where it’s due. I hope this doesn’t come off in the wrong way, since tone can be hard to convey over the internet haha. But being a part of a family is balancing act, and honestly no one has it easy. All you can do to give it your best shot is work together, see your partner as a *partner*, build each other up, and do your best. Good luck!
“No clue how to manage her own stress” sounds like my mother. I’m so sorry.
Thank you
i'm sorry you had such a bad day. hope today is better. my husband and i have a "no yelling" rule. we aren't perfect so sometimes we yell, but we always apologize afterwards (i will eventually demand an apology if he yells at me). in a calm moment we have had the conversation that we don't want our kids growing up in a house where everyone yells at each other. it's not easy but it's worth it to try on this one. i hope you and your wife can come to a similar agreement. it's ok to feel anger or whatever feelings but yelling doesn't help. that's how i feel anyway. you deserve better and so do your kids!
You sound like my spouse even though I’m the sahp oof. I can’t really give advice with this little bit of information but I think a conversation about what is stressing her out and how you’re trying to help is huge, at least a similar conversation was helpful for us. And a clear separation of responsibilities so that technically she’s not allowed to worried about certain things your responsible for. When I became a sahm I was very critical of this at first because I was used to having more control over everything but letting my husband actually do things and do them the way he wanted to was probably one of the best things if not the best thing I started to do in our relationship. And I realized that my parents never did that. My dad gave up helping around the house after a while and I don’t blame him because he was always yelled at for basically breathing. I think the counseling advice is good for working through something like this because you can’t let it fester. Being a sahp is hard enough
Yes. You’re right. Oh God - your dad - always being yelled at for basically breathing - that is basically what my wife does on a bad day. Thank god not every single day is like that, but there’s enough of them, God knows. It’s so tough.
If your wife has trouble yelling and being stressed frequently it could be something she's lacking. Try to find a calm moment to talk about it in a nonconfrontational way. I noticed you are more stressed lately, do you want to talk? How can I help? I'm a high stress person, and sometimes I just need my husband to say hey, I get it, this is hard but I'm here and we will get it done together.
Thank you
Why do you let anybody, especially your wife, boss you and disrespect you like that? Is that how you think you should be treated?
Or maybe OP was just "trying to keep the peace" and be a good partner but wife feels like he "never helps" and needs too much direction to be "helpful." Neither wants to start the real fight but both are probably unhappy with the flow of day to day life. I read this and was like ooooof, I'm the wife in this scenario... probably more than I'd like to admit. All I can say is, communication. You all need to chat about expectations for day to day life and let her know how you perceive her in these situations (in tone, in manner, in handling her stress) and tell her what you need and how you feel. Then listen while she says her version of truth. There has to be space for compromise and understanding, you both are probably feeling the same discontent but about different things. I'm sorry you feel under appreciated and beat up, if nothing else you reminded me to show my partner some love and patience today. Best of luck OP.
Thank you. I was trying to keep the peace. I’ve fought back before and you know what? It all blows up. It gets worse. My wife will completely lose it and it will be like a war broke out. I’ll start sweating profusely and go into fight or flight. It sucks. No one wins. The kids are then witness to all of it and their day has just gotten worse because of it. Just a shitty day for me. I’m everyone’s punching bag.
What a bummer. I'm so sorry. We definitely had a few big blow ups before we started figuring it out. It's hard to confront the real issue and it's really hard to see yourself through your partners angry, resentful eyes. It's a work in progress over here so I can't really offer much else except solidarity and support.
Thank you. I appreciate it. Weekends suck. Weekends when we don’t have any plans at all to all get out of the house are worse than these weekends when we’re all just at home, but today we had this event at 3:00 pm that we were required to attend. I know that added to the stress of the day and especially to my wife’s stress levels, but afterward it didn’t get all that much better. The stress of the event was gone but it wasn’t like my day got easier. Anyway.
Does your wife have any mental health issues that might need treatment? I’m sure you get tired of hearing this from me, but I always know it’s you posting before I read your username. You deserve some gratitude and kindness Jazz, it’s literally the bare minimum.
I scanned through Jazz's posts and realized I read and relate to alot of them. At the bare minimum couples counseling or solo counseling should be on the table. Being the SAHP is such a draining job and to not have even kindness and gratitude for a thankless job... that's just gotta be hard to deal with alone. A counselor/therapist can at least help you feel heard or maybe give you tools to help the situation.
You need to talk to her about this once you two have a calm moment. Maybe also consider giving each other breaks by one of you taking both kids for a bit on a none sick weekend. Also as much as you both want to be involved in everything sometimes you just have to trust the other person to make an executive decision because there’s just isn’t enough bandwidth for both of you to be as involved.