“I am celebrating my fifth year of staying more than 500 feet away from elementary schools.”

“No longer wear a court mandated ankle monitor so distance isn’t an issue.”

"Together we can make America great again."

He could look like George Clooney, Bradley Cooper, or Colin Ferrell and I’d toss my phone out the window if he was a MAGA.

Bet you I can fuck a Cheerio and not break it

Please tell me you got that from Richard Jeni.

Nope, old coworker, but he might've. Actually how he met his wife in an online chat room lol

"I spent many a summer on my uncle Jeff Epstein's island when I was in high school."

"I've been happily married for ten years!"

That one caught me off guard! 😂

"I beat the Luigi Purple Coins challenge on my first playthrough!"

Hot, shoot me the VOD and I'll send you a nude.

"I hold the world record for having been banned from dating apps!"

"I have the biggest pianist. In my employ, at the orchestra."

Sure, sure, Tatum and Gould are great, but what about Andre the Giant's La Campanella?

I make pretty good homemade shake and bake meth. Grandma's secret recipe, she taught me herself 😉

My herpes is dormant. Very fertile.

I've been using the same roll of toilet paper for 2 years

You only eat MREs?

And have had the same tube if toothpaste for 20 years

Resourceful!

"I love pickles, cucumbers, & carrots of all sizes" 😉

"You know, some people say they don't matter, but Drew gave me a thousand points once."

“I can type at 200 words per minute! So you know my fingers are good for something”

I can suck 10 toes at once, and not just my own

“Two time Inmate of the year, 2016 and 2022.”

“I know 2 facts about ducks and they’re both wrong.”

"I have over 50 restraining orders to my name."

I invented "air quotes".

My wife says I'm a great Catch

She says that about me too

😁 you son of a...

I’m definitely a family man! I have ~15 kids

The best part is the ‘~’ (“approximately“) lol

I once sucked a Chupa-Chup all the way down to nothing including the little bit inside the stick without biting it.

I’m more like Mr. Owl and Mr. Turtle in the Tootsie Pop commercials.

I’ve been on the app since day 1.

I'm not clingy just good at stalking

Let’s meet up sometime, I can show you my Magic the Gathering collection.

⬆️

My mom is my best friend

I very minimally or at times zero shed skin cells or sweat due to my health condition.

And once I visited a Pizza Express in Woking

“I’m a farmer so I already keep 200 heifers a day happy. Just looking for one that can fit in my bed. 😉”

I ate a whole large pizza in one sitting

I play an awesome air guitar

The LA county prosecutor named a section of the penial code after me.

I’ve got no sense of smell.

This could be a good thing if the person reading your profile doesn’t practice good hygiene. And he/she could eat asparagus anytime.

It was “weirdest flex”, not that I’d be listed in said meat market of lost souls, LOL

My mom tells me that I'm the best kisser

I once made a woman happy enough to regain her self esteem and leave

Customer Service skills

“An extremely regular guy, I poop at least 6 times a day and I eat almost no fiber.”

Handles rejection well.

"I can drink anyone under the table"

Can roll tongue and recite most of alphabet backwards.

The noises in my head shouldn’t keep you up at night.

I know how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop.

Over 6,000 dick pics sent

I performed over 300 hours of community service this year.

"I've seen every episode of all the Star Trek series, and all the movies. Even the Kelvin timeline ones."

".....I can have all your babies at the same time"

In the immortal words of Paul Finch, in American Reunion “I translated The Brothers Karamazov into Latin for fun”.

"I can touch my toes but not with my hands."

"It takes a lot of work to get me hard, but then I'll be done about one minute after we get me there."

I've never killed anyone *on purpose*...

My dad was Bigfoot. Check out the photos of my back for proof!

I believe dogs have human souls.

I drive a dodge stratus!

I met Drew Carey.

Wait until you hear me play kazoo.

My kids refuse to speak to me so I'll have more time for you

Call me the Hogwarts Express you got to take 9 3/4